Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.3 AirOAP

Episode Date: October 1, 2017

Muggins and Cream accidentally lodge with two lovely pensioners in Inverness on the Scottish leg of the tour. In this episode they revisit the passive aggressive, remarkably cathartic game "I love you, but..." sharing their gripes about one another. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Here we go.

A muggins in the hand is worth two in the cream. Keep going. Pick your mic up. I didn't have my mic up. Is it recording? It is recording. Because you didn't do a sound check, so I don't trust you. If this is one of the ones we lose, I'm going to kill you.

No, it's not flashing. Oh, no. Got battery life. And, yeah, it's recording. All right, well, that's just... You didn't want to lose that gold. That's what you all tuned in for. Speaking of which,

thank you for tuning back in to Sloss and Humphries on the road with Muggins and Cream. He's Muggins. I'm Cream. I'm Muggins. Yep, I literally just...

That's our cash visit, isn't it? He's Muggins. I'm Muggins. I hope it's not. I don't think we're going to sell much shirts cream cream good for the heart the more I eat the more I fart the more I fart the better I feel cream cream

let me be your meal that's a catchphrase it's a long one you'd think it'd be better when you fucking put it down to the anagram. Oh, not anagram. What's the word when you shorten down words?

Acronym. Acronym, aye. Not anagram. Fuck me, that's a long one. Let's start with C1. It's a long acronym too. What? It's a long acronym too.

Aye, yeah, that's what I meant. It's a long acronym. It's a long anagram. No, it's the same length if it's an anagram. Yeah, because an acronym would shorten every word. Yeah, an anagram would be the same length because it's a fucking anagram. it's the same length If it's an anagram Yeah because that Linguage shortened Every word by a minute Yeah an anagram

Would be the same length Because it's a fucking anagram Yeah you're wrong Nah We're both high What's the point Of this argument We are pretty high

That happened real quick As well So we've just come back From tour We were up in We did Barnum Then we did Aberdeen

Aberdeen Then we did Inverness Inver did... Aberdeen. Aberdeen, then we did... Inverness. Inverness. Where we stayed with Pinchless. We'll get to that in a second. And then tonight, we did Aberdeen,

tomorrow we're in Newcastle, but by the time you listen to this, we'll have done Newcastle. Thank you to everyone who came to all the shows, except for everyone in Burnham. That was such a weird gig. Oh, man.

So Perth used to be one of our favourite places To gig on tour The Perth Theatre When we went there Like four years ago In the two years previous It was just a bell

It was always It was like Dundee In Aberdeen It's like a big Nice full theatre Big nice full theatre Scottish sort of crowd And

But it's gone in For renovations Or whatever So we don't go back Until next year So we haven't done Perth For two years And then Marlene

Promised us She was like Barnum's just out of Per until next year. So we haven't done Perth for two years, and then Marlene had promised us, she was like, Barnum's just out of Perth. The Perth people will travel. And the Perth people did not travel. What? Seven miles away? Aye.

And it was, to the fans that turned up, who were actually fans of ours, which was about 20% of the audience. Yeah, wonderful. They were great. But I'm just sorry for those guys that they got to sit in that environment.

Oh, yeah. In a room full of people that weren't there to see us, but were there to support them. Support a local... Stop supporting your local art centre. It's the worst thing. I remember so many gigs

where you just walk out and they're like, how many tickets were sold? And you're like, 70. And you're like, that's a 90-seater in a place we've never been before. This is lucky.

And then you realise 50% of those are people who support the local art centre and they've never heard of you. we've never been before. This is lucky. And then you realise 50% of those are people who support the local art centre and they've never heard of you. They've never seen live stand-up comedy. They think I would stop doing peoples and stuff. Yeah, they haven't heard people say the word cunt. They haven't heard people making fun of paedophiles. They're just there being like,

Last week was Swan Lake! Well, maybe the poster has got them like, they'll go to the art centre for a coffee and a scone and they see the poster and go, oh, that fucking two-bit magician looks good. Yeah,

that's a fair point. People are like, I've got loads of dead relatives. The psychic's going to be able to talk to them all. Fuck, everyone I know is dead. I'm so alone.

So Burnham was fine. Everyone else was fucking better though. Yeah, that's the thing, we're spoiled. The gig was actually fine spoiled the gig was actually fine

the gig was actually fine but it just wasn't what Perf used to be and compared to Aberdeen and Inverness and

Dundee and we're on tour next week I'll give you the tour dates later on we're doing more English dates

I'm kidding and when we were in Aberdeen we stayed in a hotel when we were in Aberdeen, we stayed in a hotel. Yep. When we were in Dundee, which is the night we drove back and got high. On Friday though, last time we've been to Inverness for the past

seven years, we've stayed in the same hotel. Best Western hotel. Big shout out there. I've stayed there at least 12 times. It's got a lovely spa facility. Lovely spa facility. You can go swimming. They've got a good gym They've got valet parking Oh yeah

You can get a key You can get a key The breakfast buffet is brilliant They've got hash browns and beans And all the fancy little things You've got fancy stuff like this You should see me in post apocalypticocalyptic futures like, oh, beans! I'm sorry, I wasn't aware I was living with the queen.

Bean, beans, the musicals. Fruit. The more I eat, the better for every meal. I've stayed there at least 12 times. It's a good price. The best Western hotel spot on. So this year, we drive up to Inverness. We park the car in the valet spot,

we walk in, we're like, there's all our old friends and our names aren't on the thing and I'm like, it might be booked under Marlena's second name

so we check Marlena's second name, not booked under Marlena's name. Oh, agent. Yeah, so we're just cussing at her about being like, fucking stupid bitch, stupid bitch,

she's booked them in wrong, sorry, booked us in under different names, go in. Oh, she's used dictate again oh yeah oh she dictates that email

she fucking talks she presses the audible the what's the button record kind of like record I mean it's exactly it's dictate

yeah yeah yeah it's dictate and reads it out but doesn't spell check our message so it's typing it out for her and just sends it to us and I thought she just booked it like that

yeah and it doesn't sound well when she does it it doesn't translate imagine Stephen Hawking had dyslexia as well like that's what her texts are like like when I use

Siri I once used Siri and went hey Siri play Soul Sister by Train and it killed itself it went I do not

know taught us like co-creative oh um I didn't even bother that I'm just listening to Soul Sister by Train to Soul Sister my twin

hey Soul Sister sister sister sister radio hey your sister's on radio listen more so we check our itinerary

and turns out these two idiots were like oh what idiots we've actually gone to the wrong place Marlene's booked a different one

we'll apologise to her then we turned up at the place. Fucking bitches get no apology. Oh, my God. We typed in the postcode. Just around the corner? Just around the corner, yeah. Oh, convenient.

Row full of, like, hotels and places to stay. Right by the river. Must be a new one that's cheaper and with further spa facilities. And much more hash browns and beans. Probably twice as many, I'd imagine. If we've been here 12 years maybe we've gone premium we've stayed there 12 times

so many beans we could swim in them oh man the beans are all spaffed while floating on the hash browns just on the beans if you're ever hungry

they do service don't need the beans people just want them in that one star one star result he's getting shut down for hygiene purposes actually

so we typed in the postcode and no it wasn't Bean Paradise where we turned up it was a residential area quite nice houses

oh yeah yeah lovely place to die so yeah like this is retirement village and then we see the house that is

the address that we've got and it doesn't have any signs so I'm like that can't be it that's a house and is the address that we've got and it doesn't have any signs or things so I'm like that can't be it that's a house and I go why don't you phone

and we check in and he goes oh it's an Airbnb type thing just phone the guys and we're like oh if we phone him he's obviously going to

come and drop the keys off to this lovely establishment so you phoned the number he's waving at the bedroom window looking at me in the car it's me you're phoning me

turns out we're not staying in an airbnb his phone was actually one of them rotary phones finger in to dial the number turns out uh it was a bed and breakfast one of those situations uh where you're just sleeping in someone else's house now before we go any further absolutely full love and defense of anne and dave anne and dave were wonderful people. Oh, wonderful hosier. Oh, man, if you thought beans and hash browns was fancy, the breakfast we had this morning.

Oh, strawberries and porridge. Oh, strawberries and porridge, honey croissants, warm croissants, fresh made coffee, a pot each. There was no beans, though. There was genuinely no beans. There was no beans. We had a nice breakfast with eggs and patty scone. In fact, you know what

they were so fancy they were above beans and hashbrowns it was a the bed was lovely they didn't even have tins of beans they would have

bottles of beans in there and keep them in the cellar they've aged very well you've got to let them breathe before you eat them as well the beds were

comfortable the shower was hot the wifi was absolutely spot on they couldn't have been better hosts but the pensioners that remained in the house spot on they couldn't have been better hosts but the pensioners that remained in the house throughout yeah I don't

I wouldn't say pensioners they were tired well they looked good for their age Dave looked like John Major did you click that imagine John Major a bit skinnier maybe

like AIDS right he kept right i'll get into this and say he did they were a lovely company but just for the first of you all right big shout out uh they were absolutely wonderful hosts but at the end of the day i want to stay in a hotel i want to fucking masturbate myself into a horrible i want to like when i go when i go when I go on hotel Wi-Fi, I'm very aware that going into incognito, like, if the FBI turned up, they're going to be able to crack through the incognito

and they can see what horrible porn I've watched. I'm not risking Anne and Dave knowing what depraved things I watch. So I'm just fucking... What depraved things do you watch? Oh, man, last night I was just typing in stuff like good Christian porn milk ladies gone wild

consensual Christian couples casting shades long Debbie does a guy who she's actually dated for a few couple of weeks they've been going steady this is actually her first time

and she's very excited in Dallas so you just watched soap opera porn oh I hands on heart did not wank in Aaron and Dave's house

I didn't either nah I couldn't do it I couldn't do it to myself nobody's had a wank in their house it was just it was so clean and lovely

and that's the thing that's the only bad thing I have to say about it it was just like in a hotel I get to be a different type of person in a hotel I get to be a different type of person. In a hotel I get to turn up drunk.

I can pop outside for a fucking joint. I can masturbate. I can just drool on the sheets. I can leave my bed unmade. I can leave stuff on the floor. I'll leave towels anywhere. I'm a horrible... I've toured for too long.

Do you sleep on the floor not to mess up the bed? I can't do that. In the middle of the night, I was like the bed? Oh, I can't do that. Oh man, middle of the night just felt silly. I was like, oh, you know what? Not actually that sleepy yet.

She showed me how the window worked and it worked like a window. I thought she was going to show us how to open the windows if there was some secret technique to it but it was just like the window opens like this. I'm like, oh my God,

are you going to show us how the fucking toilet flushes as well? I was up at one in the morning and I was playing FIFA on my Nintendo Switch and I was like you know what do you know what

do you know what I can't get a Travelodger Premier Inn or even Hilton I imagine a fucking Tannock's tea cake oh there's a Tannock's tea cake there was a fucking caramel wafer are you kidding me

there's one of each they didn't they didn't scribble the whole thing about hotels as you've always said is you can tell a good hotel by whether they leave biscuits. Imagine going to an establishment so fancy.

Tannocks, tea cakes. I mean, I didn't eat them anywhere near the bed. I did it over the sink. And it was lovely. I was quiet as a mouse when I came back in. It was funny because there was times when there was girls of about your age chatting to you after the gig. And I was like, good luck fucking...

Oh, man, yeah. Tonight, yeah, yeah, last night would have been the night of all times. Like, look, you know me. I get on tour, I get laid maybe two or three times on average. I'm not... Occasionally. Aye, very occasionally. It's always someone you set up,

someone that you've been chatting to for a bit. Aye, or someone I've met before. But there has been an odd time when it's been someone you've met after the day you've been along. Oh, yeah, and we've maybe gone out and we've met someone there. But it's not...

Look, I don't go... You weren't going to be smuggling a Tinder date into Anna and Dave's house, Oh, man. If I can wake up in the morning and then say, oh, sorry. You start setting a third place at the breakfast table.

Because it literally was... We just stayed at the house. I can't stress that enough. It was just a house. Like, they, yes, they put a lock on the bedroom door. Why the fuck I had that when I lived with my mum and dad?

But that was for their safety. That's when they were grounded from my room. Right, you know, allowed in my room for 24 hours. Aye.

I did feel as well, like, in a hotel, like, I've always got that thing of, and it's a horrible thing to have, but I'm like, I'm not in charge of any of you

and you're not in charge of any of me. This is just a mutual agreement. I want to sleep in this room. As long as I don't destroy anything, you're fine with whatever happens in there. I was a guest in Anne and Dave's home. I had to be a gracious guest. Even when we had breakfast,

we sat there, obviously each other at the breakfast table. Playing footsie. And they would just keep bringing different dishes. I was worried that I wasn't going to be able to eat it all it was proper

that pressure put heart into this yeah I had slaved away for like half an hour they put effort into everything had all the cleaning up

to do it's that thing when your gran cooks lunch for you and you're like I've got to eat everything she thinks I'm going to die otherwise

just sitting there just spoonful after spoonful yeah so there was so much love went into it because you know what I love about hotel breakfast? I can go along,

fill my plate, decide I'm too hungry, I'm going to eat. I go, fuck all the children in South Africa. They're probably fine. The most affluent district of the continent.

Yeah, but they don't have hash browns and beans, which is, by the way our new nicknames of the podcast Muggers do cream with season one welcome to hash brown

and beans you're hash brown and beans obviously yeah I've got to have syllables right so because you hash

a brown wife hash browns hash browns everywhere, and only drop the beans. Right, so we're having breakfast. They've slaved away. They've given us every course that we're getting. We're just there like...

It was breakfast with courses. That's a very good point. Normally breakfast for me is it's one bowl and a drink. Man, this was a five course breakfast. The first one was muesli, yoghurt and strawberries. And then it was porridge and compote, which was, do you want to put some strawberries in as well? Aye. And then toast.

Toast. A little apple. Aye. And then there was croissants. The croissants. And then there was the fire. And then there was the, I could tell that the coffee we were given was for the first three courses

we didn't go through it enough yeah we got given a cafetiere each a big gallon fucking cafetiere each so there we are fucking tweaking our box off full to the brim and they just stood at either end of the table stood up just chatting away

and it was nice but I was like oh I've got to put on a, I've got to put on, I've got to put on a mask. I've got to put on a face. We can't swear. Yeah, yeah, it was like,

that can't be myself. Like, I'm a guest in someone else's house. It was such a ridiculous situation, dude. And, David, they lived a very interesting life,

Dave and Anne. I keep wanting, I keep wanting to call them Anne and Frank. Because I can't not relate it to being a prisoner in an attic right and we weren't

in an attic we were in the lovely beautiful upstairs but the second we turned up I'm like

I'm locking myself in this fucking room I mean I started having kind of dark thoughts about like what are these two up to? Like,

what's this like, kind of, like it was so, it was like, you've seen the film Misery, from the Stephen King book, where this like, lovely woman puts him up there when he's injured,

and then she fucking smashes his legs up. I can't remember the full story, but she smashes his legs up, and keeps him a hostage as an injured person in her house. But her house is all prim and proper, and she's unassuming. I was just like, oh my God,

it's Caffey Bates. Even when I locked the door, it got in my bed, right? There was part of us going, you haven't checked under the bed? Yeah, and also, they also gave you the key for this side of the door.

They definitely have the key for the other one. Yeah. Like, that's just a show really being like, this is for your privacy. It's your house. Yeah, you can get in there

so when I walked in I'll admit that I was quite I was just mad at the things I'd lost I didn't realise how great it was going to be and I walked upstairs and proudly on the little table

upstairs they've got a 9.8 rating on some sort of thing that's the only thing in the whole building outside our inn that makes it yeah yeah

aware that you're in it and I was like and I was like 9.8 we'll see oh and I was like 9.8 we'll see oh god this place get 9.8 right

tell you what I have to leave this morning who docked to the fucking points who's that honestly I'm genuinely considering going on on like

finding who gave that bad review and just being like right you Frank is a lovely man and I Dave I know yeah

whatever you're going to say about Anna and Dave you say it in my fucking face who dogged them two points what was it for not enough for you it might have been like a beans

it might have been like a beans but you know what who does breakfast with beans but you know what I reckon I had to ask I think the reason

you should I had to ask for beans Anne would have gone out and got a beans that's the type of person Anne is yeah no no

she would have said Dave Dave would have done it oh he was pretty submissive wasn't he but he was good he was telling me very interesting they lived in

Hong Kong Hong Kong 27 years 27 years it didn't pick up the accent no and

I didn't understand what he said he said something very casually but he was like yeah so I was like head night at one point I was like what he was like yeah oh the round like head knight at one point and I was like what

he was like yeah oh the round table he kept mentioning the round table round table because they were from the round table too and I don't know what it was I nearly went

oh is that a Freemasons thing or something but I thought ooh what if the Freemasons in the round table are like sharks in the jets like Crips and Bloods

the Bloods and the Crips do you play do you play for the other team? No, not gay. I didn't mean that. When I fucking got to that Irish guy in Belfast that time, he wouldn't tell us what he did for a living. He was clearly something shady,

like he was fucking this tattooed up fucking Northern Irish hard cunt. And I just went, what are you, in the army? And then there was just this, ooh, in the room, as I'd called some Irish guy, and I fucking said, what are you, a squaddy? I said, what are you, a squaddy, which should be British Army. He might have been, I don't even know the politics behind it, but I was just like, oh!

But you're very well, you can offend 50% of people. I'm like, is that probably the worst four-park? It is like a fucking politically Irish thing by accident, and look like it's meant like I meant it. So I didn't want to mention the three Masons in case I was wrong.

I'm genuinely fascinated anyway that was it we should look it up actually aye one of these council tell us we were head night in the fucking road

is he King Arthur that's what I was saying but I was saying one of these council probably tell us on Twitter because also big shout out to whoever after episode one

tweeted me letting me know that frogs can decompose in less than 30 days but also not thank you for not putting any source and just going I'm a science person and frogs I was like because I believe you but you didn't give

any credible sources the one thing that they said is they didn't say it dissolves it did I reckon you could dissolve a frog on an amphibian it would dissolve and it would think it would dissolve a frog or an amphibian it would dissolve and it would work it would work

alright let's get back on track right she said humans disintegrate I'm using all the wrong words she said frog humans decompose in 30 days so sure frogs less and a human decomposes in 12 years.

No, no, you're thinking down to like... Bone. Like, yeah, but it's, I'm pretty sure it's different because of the moisture. It's down to bone

because that's what the frog was. No, I think that's in a coffin is 12 years. I think... No, it's like without a coffin, underground, that's what it says.

I believe that... That's underground though, but it's got to do with the air. I think it might give you to leave a... No, you rust in the air. What's it like? No, air. No, you start bubbling. That's lava. That was rust.

Right. Anyway, shall we get on to our first game? What's our first game? Our first game is... I'll explain the game. It's called I Love You But... Now, obviously, me and Kai, we're best friends. We're best friends.

You and me. We're best friends in the whole wide world. We are the best friends. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Can I just explain to the listeners what just happened there? You're obviously looking for your phone, which has your notes on it. And you literally picked up the landline. You literally went, oh, this is it.

Are you so high that all your brain didn't always go, phone, phone. Well, Daniel, when you pick up the mic and stop talking, you're at the candy fridge. So we're best friends, but obviously we spend a lot of time in each other's company when we're on tour. It's pretty much 24 hours a day. Are you just repeating we're best friends, we're best friends, because you know Mattie listens to this?

Yeah, yeah. My other best man. But there's some little things that annoy us about each other occasionally little things like it's not nothing major

but just like you want to pull them up on a thing just to get just fucking correct that awful fucking personality trait they have in the thing

and it's not an aggressive way it's just a way of letting us each other know because it's a passive aggressive way it's a passive aggressive way

but it's a very nice way of being like hey this is something we'll both make fun of it just to make you aware of this thing that I fucking hate about you. Yep.

I'll go first. Oh, none of this will change my things. Oh, no, not at all. Right. I love you, Kai, but...

There's going to be a butt. You couldn't just leave it at that, could you? Fucking hell, every time you play this game you just have to butt, butt, butt. Yeah, because I'll be honest with you,

I didn't know the button to fucking be a shit game 10 minutes of you just going I love you no I love you you hang up I love you but

if you keep loudly exclaiming how unfair a Nintendo Switch game is in public because you're fucking shit at it I'm going to have to confiscate it

and put you in time out mate I get hit by too many shells in a row mate no no this isn't even just, it's more than just,

don't get me wrong, it's more than just Mario Kart. It's not just, whenever I'm beating you in Mario Kart, you're in second and third. I hear every time you go down a place,

it's like, oh man, oh this is bullshit. I'm like, second, third, oh what's this? Oh yes, oh third click.

That's the third of the game. No, that's the third of the game. No, no, no, because when you win, it's super exciting because when you get fucked over, you allow yourself to be gutted.

If you do it like, oh, that's not fair. No, but I'm going to. No, I'm going to. Just do it internally. Either that or everybody else knows how I feel. You nearly bit the fucking ear off a woman on the Ryanair flight. Oh, my God.

She interrupted his mid-match. You had your headphones in. Can you take your headphones in can you take your headphones off it was fine I was taking my headphones

off when we came could you not have just took them off my head I need to clarify

didn't have his headphones in to listen to Mario Kart had his headphones in to listen to the fucking soundtrack of

the movie Drive as if it makes you baby drive does it seem like it oh my god it's fucking getting in the proper zone man there's times when backstage I just touched my As if it makes you... Baby driver. You get pumped. Oh, it doesn't seem like it.

Oh my God, it's fucking getting in the proper zone. Man, there's times when backstage... When she touched my headphones, it was like fucking... There's something about Mary. No. It's just like when... It was the airplane equivalent. I was like, you know the handy thing about Switch is nobody will ever be able to walk in front of the screen.

And God, that bitch on the right found out a way to do the equivalent. She did. It was literally standing in front of the equivalent she did it was literally standing in front of the screen because it was an online game against you

it was a wireless game you kind of paused that shit she just came up she stabbed him on the shoulder get sensitive cow but it's not just that

there's been times when we've been backstage at gigs and because you I've brought this up in a previous I love you bar you forget

that noise cancelling headphones only cancel the noise going into your fucking ears and not the noise coming out of your mouth. So you're being made deaf to how you're much. It's not just like, you're like, oh, man, if you were just whispering silently, self-reprimanded, being like, oh, man, fuck that one up. It's all right. Can I get back at the game? It's the fact that you're like, the fuck? No! I got Dan!

Dan! I got, Dan! Dan! I got a blue shield! I got, Dan! Like, earphones, earphones. Right?

People are coming downstairs being like, is everything okay? It's just. I just think everyone's got headphones on. No, you do.

Are they also supposed to be listening to loud music? I love you, but you're a lovely bitch. Sandra, the techie's been in for two minutes being like, all right, do you want some sandwiches? And you're like, fucking bananas! Fucking bananas! You can throw bananas forwards?

What the fuck is that? But the thing is, Wade, with that Mario Kart game, is I get royally fucked sometimes because I know I'm better than With that Mario Kart game Is I get royally Fucked sometimes Because I know I'm better than you On Mario Kart Because you can't

Beat my ghost On any track But that's not the game That's like saying That's like you're saying The best of free kicks I can get round the track Faster

I can get round the track Faster than you And you can never Beat my ghost However You sometimes beat it Sometimes 63 to 10

Because I get Bathed all over my shells And you just Pot a room With Daisy Fucking Playing along With the green crosscoats I used something it was Venus sometimes 63 to 10 bathed Arlo up on shelves and he'd just pot a room with Daisy fucking playing along with the green crosscord

stopping the traffic lights I'm fucking whizzing around down the perfect corner I'm just getting spaffled shelves and I swear to god it just puts it

wait I get your point alright you're next you got it go on spank me daddy if you taught us doing it again

then held up a mirror right I would just like to clarify before you come out with your first one right I can't I genuinely

I reckon I could be upset by some of these because I reckon I've done nothing wrong in ages you've done nothing wrong in ages no

well I love you bud when I've lost something could you just act a little bit more like you care like if I feel like

I've lost like my fucking Nintendo Switch right like you've got this glint in your high leg hope you fucking have a man

I'd definitely do that right because because you say I've lost I definitely do that because because you say I've lost something at least 20 times a day and what happens is you do the same thing Gene does is you look

in one of 360 degrees of direction then your second port of call is to look at me and go I've lost this thing there's 360 options and you bail out after the first one you're like well the odds aren't good right i lose my switch i put a cartridge underneath your nose and give you a smell go go find a point right and you do it so often and you always find it and you never need me because

the first time i thought you lost something oh buddy I was so concerned I was like oh no Kai's lost his phone oh he's on it he's seen a cry wolf too many times it's because I've lost my wolf and it just

right at this point it's always in my bag where it's meant to be or you've just not looked and it shouldn't be it'll be my concern at a point

when you've looked everywhere or all the places that I would have worked and we've put our heads together. We've talked about this on the podcast before because this is what brought up that when Jean had lost something, she was asking for your help and you didn't know where it was and then you had it.

And then I snuck it back into her jacket because I showered her. And then you looked in her jacket pocket and went, it's in your jacket pocket. Bastard. Like the fucking Just one day Me fucking Both headphones QC35s

Started making A funny noise Right Started like So like I took them off And you're driving And I'm like Fuck my headphones

I fucking knocked them off And knocked them back on again Coming at the speakers And he just had this Like glow Like it's the first time He's been happy in years I feel your aura

I do god I am such a bastard I don't know I know I'd be sad about it in the long run because I'd probably be like no I wouldn't what is that part of me that's good

I don't know what it is but that is a really shit part like every time you break your vape and you fucking break your vape a lot you've got nothing but concern I'm like oh no

now he's got to go through the rigmarole and the costume right the second you're like my headphones are broke what is the one that he had oh no that one was a gift the second your headphones breaks

I've got that smile of that girl in that meme where she's standing outside of the burning house as if I had something to do with it I love it when a plan

comes together alright now that's a fair one I'm sorry about that one that is a proper shit thing that I do oh right this one might hurt your feelings but it needs to be said I love you but That is a proper shit thing That I do Oh right This one might hurt your feelings

But it needs to be said I love you But If you don't trim your nose hair I'm gonna have to fuck Natalie Nose hair? Why? I have nose hair

All inside out Both I got nose hair in my head Who knows Because normally You're quite good at self grooming You're normally better Like more often

Shaving than I am You get a haircut more regularly Right And you know what Nowadays You actually dress quite well because normally you're quite good at self grooming you're normally better like more often than shaving the knife you get a haircut more regularly right and you know what nowadays you actually dress quite well you moisturise

you look after yourself take your vitamins every morning I actually floss my teeth floss your teeth flosses his ears spreads it through both sides

floss my cockies but there are points where I'm just looking and I'm like can you not see that though oh man you know what I should streamlay it

a bit better there's points where like the other day I think you saw you cut it quickly and maybe we should

just do my I think it's also because we spent so much time together that I'm literally watching it grow in real time but you didn't have

a proper long eyebrow I'm like is that for getting through doors? Natalie pointed it out she was like that fucking eyebrow that eyebrow's massive

and I went I'll pull it out she was like no it'll hurt just trim it when you've got scissors do you know what the second I fucking

wrote that one on my phone and I was like can you trim your nose here and your eyebrow here I guarantee I was like this is one that Natalie's going to text me about afterwards being like

thank you! She's dropped a million hints. She'll just not date for us. Because I've got awful nose hair. I've got real fucking awful nose hair. That's why I've got the fucking trimmer. Because within four days, it's like I've got a little fucking goth nose piercing.

So do you trim it with a little... So you know when you trimmed your nose hairs with a thing, where you know when you Trimmed your nose That's where the thing Where you dropped hints Oh no Because you just busted I was brushing my teeth And you come in And just stare at us

With a fucking Trimmed your nose And I was like Don't want to knock Because you know It's up there No no Maybe subconsciously

No my nose When I When I turn the shower on I come up in the steam Fucking trim your nose is that a hint yeah I don't even like trimming your toenails

either like you know what I let them grow far too long and then I'll kind of go to I'll kind of go to Muay Thai I'll go to I'll go to Muay Thai

and I'll be like oh I can't walk in with them talons kick someone in the head shave them I don't know if that's I don't know if that's, I don't know if that's a bad girlfriend or a bad fiance, but.

I'm sorry, are you complaining that your girlfriend doesn't cut your fucking? I think she should. I bet, I'm fucking begging you. I do it for her. You know what I'd do?

I'd dress up if she asked for it. That's not the same thing. I'd just help someone out with something that they'd find tricky about to do it themselves. Mate, that's, no, that's. I'm not sure I'd trim someone else with something that they found tricky they had to do it themselves mate that's no I'd much rather trim someone else's toenails

than my own clearly I'm left handed you can't expect her to mate she sucks your dick and even that's not as disgusting I thought it was a problem

who said you on where did these standards suddenly come from who said you on you're fucking that's a perfect argument aye you suck my dick

because I can't do that on my own I used to bite my toenails aye there was some like room I went I'd like to think the reason I

I'd like to think the reason I stopped because I grew out of it and realised it's disgusting but I reckon it's because I can't reach because your toenails

start to smell like a breath I can't believe you It's because your toenails start to smell like a breath. I can't believe you would want now, you not only want to expect her to fucking cut your toenails. I hope it'd be nice. Hint, hint. I'll tell you what she'd do. Next time she brushes her teeth, go and start cutting her toenails and see if she gets the hint.

I don't think a plaster's a trimmer, no I'd say. I'd deal with her. I don't think like a plaster's a trimmer no no say I doubt for her look at me he's been doing something cut your own toenails fuck you guys there you guys had a little paradox

didn't you what's your next one what are there four I've ran out I love you bud and this is going to sound rich coming from me other floor. I've ran out. I love you, bud.

And this is going to sound rich coming from me, but could you piss in the toilet? That's entirely fair. At least when I pissed, not in the toilet. I was fucking munted and lost. You're like 15 feet away from your toilet. You just fucking got out the door, and I follow you, thinking, oh, here we go, he's got a spliff. Because you're good at that, from your toilet you just fucking go out the door and I follow you

thinking oh yeah we're going he's got a spliff because you're good at that oh I thought you meant because I wasn't

I didn't aim well oh no you're going to the back you just pop out the back door I'm not going downstairs I'm high but you're just like

you pop out the back door and I fucking think oh he's gone for a spliff and then he went out the back and he's got a coat and out the front months ago this hasn't been mentioned on the podcast And I fucking think, oh, he's gone for a spliff and then he went in the back. He's got a coat.

And out the front, months ago, this hasn't been mentioned on the podcast because it was when the podcast was down. He's already know the punchline. But let me talk you through it, right? I fucking come outside on the gravel, sat down next to Daniel while he was having a spliff, right? And I went, how long's it been raining and he went it hasn't been raining

and went the floor's soaking and you just went and we fucking beat myself up and went off your piss I wear shoes outside also that's why Natalie

won't go totally she's like like shitting me fucking splodging running sausage piss out do you

I do just get so lazy and start pissing about this happens when I just gotta start sticking out and get ants

ants running off and carrying away I do I get weirdly hypocritical I'll just pee in my garden at this point it's not regularly but like whenever I'm

drinking so it's most days and someone else will be like can I piss in your garden I'm like that's disgusting he actually stops I've stopped loads of people

I'm like are you doing your fucking dirty grub it's my tree I just don't stand you literally cut you get your territory you piss on your territory

and then don't let anyone else piss on it and fucking bark that's not a character whenever your Nintendo Switch is on table I just slowly bat it off and smile when it's broken what do you mean by bat it off? I mean that is

that is absolutely a fair one oh fuck we need to play three of these one more right I love you but

if you don't start paying attention to anywhere we are or have previously lived and continuously drive down the wrong fucking road to a house you've

literally fucking lived in for three fucking years and rely on me getting you back I'm gonna glue a satin up to your wrist how long did you live in the house? No, no, it's not that you took the wrong turn

I took the wrong turn No, no, you have driven You've driven from the Forth Road Bridge back to Edinburgh on at least at least 70 occasions. Bare minimum. It's a new bridge I know but it's the same route into Edinburgh You've driven that same, at least 70 That bare minimum it's a new bridge no no no

but it's the same round to Edinburgh you've driven that same round at least 70 that's not an exaggeration right so how come

the second you get there I've got to undo my headphones and give you directions to the place you've driven to 70 times right because

when I go to when I go into Surrey when I'm driving because I always start the fucking navigation after I've started driving when I go to Surrey give me directions to because I always start the fucking navigation after I've started driving I go Surrey

give me directions to can I say your street name Goss Cube Terrace and then it'll be like I don't know Arse Lube Terrace give me directions to Ravelston Dykes

because oh fuck it's actually give me directions it'll say I do not know taught us like co-creative

and then I'll just go give me directions to Edinburgh Zoo and it's here Edinburgh Zoo from a million different sources so it just gives directions there so like after a point

I'm a little bit lost right so but why haven't you I just don't understand because what happens is right I get there and I know that you go straight on

and it's making us go right for Edinburgh Zoo and it's making us turn around and it's giving us all these wrong directions but why don't you remember and I stop the directions and then when I get

pushed into that little world of I don't know it from here but also if you've taken that wrong direction so many times how do you also not know the directions

from there because I'm always hammered just for the sake of disclaimers I've never drunk drove me neither I think there might have been I kind of technically have in Scotland Just for the sake of disclaimers, I've never drunk a drove. Me neither. I think there might have been... I kind of technically have in Scotland because the change is from one unit to zero

and I've had a shanty before. So I know I'd be in trouble if I got pulled. I think the only time I've ever done it is one of those morning after ones where you're like, you know when you got better at five and then you drive the next day at one. And you're like You're like I mean I probably Fail a test here

Yeah I just It's not even about The failing the test thing And losing my licence I think that's the thing I can cope with The worst case scenario

Is hitting someone Right But the other worst The bad scenario Not the worst case Because that's obviously Fucking Due to fatality

Right But if someone crashes into you and it's their fault, they're like texting at the wheel or whatever, fucking swerving you all the way in,

fucking smash you up, right, you both get breathalysed, regardless, right, of the accident, right,

both parties get breathalysed, all of a sudden, you shoulder all the fucking blame for that muppet, and you're like, I can handle me liquor,

and they're there, and the fucking cop's like trying to calm us down and I'm like I got hit by a fucking blue shell I'm not even in first place blue shell's not in case the fucking foot runner

in a fucking ploughed through me and then he threw a banana forward and then the fucking bomb went off mate just fucking bad form

this thing glitch glitch in the game bad thing what's your next one em what's that what's that song I don't know I love you bud will you just drink juice with pulp in it it's just fucking pulp It's glitching the game. Bad thing. What's your next one? What's the last one?

I don't know. I love your butt. Will you just drink juice with pulp in it? It's just fucking pulp. Nah. Fucking bang it on. You're absolutely wrong. Every day.

It's disgusting. Just get it down here. Nah, it's rank. It's just a fucking... Just deal with it. Nah. Just close your teeth. Drink it through your teeth. No, because then I've got fucking...

Then you wipe your teeth off with your finger and flick it to the curb. It's disgusting. It's like, why is it... Nah, why is it good? Nah, I don't want lumpy juice. Nah, I don't it to the curb It's disgusting It's like why is it Nah why is it Nah why I don't want lumpy juice Nah I don't want Boo hoo

Nah I don't want Oh Like if you got If you got lumpy milk Or can I have a bit of juice If you got lumpy milk You'd be like If you got lumpy coffee

Right If you got lumpy fucking tea Right If you got fucking lumpy Coca-Cola Lumpy Iron Brew Lumpy Iron Brew Lumpy any other fucking drink You'd be like

Fuck is this Like Why would there be lumps In any of those things Why is there not lumps in apple juice Why is there not lumps in fucking mango Why is pineapple juice Just got its shit together

But even if there was Even if there was lumps in apple juice Just nom nom nom No No Why is every other juice Got its shit together Except for fucking orange juice

Why is it Why is it You know smoothies Smoothies No Diva No Tell you what though orange juice why is it why is it do you know smoothies smoothies no diva no tell you what though

Anna Dave oranges popless I was like you've got no idea how much your fucking your 9.8 rating

hinged on that juice oh man would have been down a fucking one I would have created multiple accounts right what the hell

are we on? Well, that was very cathartic and therapeutic. I feel like... I'm glad I got that off your chest. I'm glad I said those things to you, and I'm glad you might have said some lies off your chest. My journal's going to get some heavy entries tonight. Tears. We'll go into Muggle Corner.

I think we've only got really time for probably two each. Okay. Now, a lot of you podcast listeners are guilty of this. But again, I just need to clarify when it comes to mugglery. This doesn't mean I hate you. Muggles are not bad people. They're not awful people. But this is something a lot of you do.

And it's not bad. And I don't hate you for it. But it is very muggly. Muggles say, here's one for you. To us. After the show. Oh, my God. I hate it so bad. say, here's one for you, to us, after the show. Oh my god. I hate it so bad.

Like, I understand why you do it, and I understand, but there's two reasons I'm not a fan of it. One, I've heard the joke. Nine times out of ten,

I've heard the joke. It's never funny. And it's never that funny. It can never appropriate its way into your set. Yeah, and I do all my own. The second reason is,

like, a lot of the time, there's a queue. Like, people are being like, here's one for you, and it's like, I'm trying to my own. The second reason is, like, a lot of the time there's a queue. Like, people are being like, here's one for you, and it's like, I'm trying to meet everyone. Uh-huh. And that is tricky

when someone wants to, like, spend some time and joke and all that stuff. Oh, man, I'd love to spend time with everyone, but if I spent five minutes with each person... It would take you a full fucking day. And people would leave. If everyone had, yeah. If I spent that much time

with, like, the first fucking five people, the next three are going to leave. And it's an annoying thing, which is, again, why I have to the next 30 you're going to leave and it's annoying thing which is again why I have to clarify it's when I say muggle thing it's not something

that I think is a bad thing I understand why you do it and I love it but fucking muggle there was one at Cumbernauld where he goes

he made a list of his broadcasts so take it on board you were talking about the aerosol cans using it to get like your mum thought you were using aerosol cans to get high, but when really you were just using it to disguise the smell

of the weed. So you've done that bit of routine, and this guy went, oh, you're going to want to put this in. I need to tell you this, you can put it in your set for the rest of your tour. His MI friend used to like fucking drink the cans, like used to drink the whole can and empty it. Put that one in your set. I'm like dude fucking stop stop there a second what do you reckon would happen with the audience if you just went and then there was this guy

in Cumbernauld you know and then there was this guy in Cumbernauld come up and he told me his friend used to drink it even if you put a performance on it

a bit of a flourish used to drink a whole can before school I put that in my set don't get me wrong it was an interesting tidbit and it did make me think what gets you what gets you high off of that but I'm like it doesn't that in my set don't get me wrong it was an interesting tidbit and it did make me think what gets you high off of that

but it doesn't belong in the set though does it? yeah he could have pitched that information he would be like oh my god when you were talking about the when you were talking about the Jordan cans it made me think

there was this kid in my school who used to fucking down the lot like a fucking psycho kid it just triggered that thought not hey here's one for you hey I'll give you this one

for free yeah just give me a credit at the end of it or here's yeah funny stories and again

some of the times the stories aren't actually very very funny but the whole time I'm struggling to laugh because I'm just looking at people over your shoulder going

I've got to wrap this up like it's that thing I'm terrible at being rude so I'm just looking at people over your shoulder going I've got to wrap this up like it's that thing I'm terrible at being rude so I'm assuming you agree that's it yes I feel dead guilty about that

I feel like that was an I love you but but to the fans I think if you're telling someone if you're telling someone that you like a joke or something

don't pitch it as put this in your routine don't pitch it on oh you can use this in your skit. Like, just tell us the anecdote. Alright, we're friends.

As the anecdote. Like, you're not trying to like, fucking squeeze some of your fucking inane banter into me. But to be fair, in fairness. I think we're going to hear your anecdotes though.

I just don't want you to write for us. In fairness though, I reckon we're both in the corner though, technically, if it's saying, here's one for you. Oh yeah, because I don't know anyone who would do that, I've well measured it.

Yeah. Fuck man, you're not in the corner if you've come up and went, here's one for you, and it's a genuine solid bit. Yeah. And we sit here, oh shit, fuck, I haven't thought of that, you know, if we react like that. You're safe. Right, you're safe. Right, what's your one the Muggles so I got one off

Twitter I have Nikki Gibson Bunny's Bakery she comes to all the push-up gigs and is full full hardcore listener she is

big shout out now while she's making her fucking sprinkle Victoria cakes delicious did you see the did you see the cake she made

it's from me it was fucking ridiculous had a big spliff on it some pills lines of coke delicious did you see the did you see the cake she made us for me aye it was fucking ridiculous had a big spliff on it aye some pills lines of coke aye

good egg good egg good couple of eggs I imagine thanks Nicky Gibson said muggles just love a greeting card like love getting one

love sending one aye you can't even doubt this one like it's straight I can't but again it's one of those things where like I feel bad putting it in the But again It's one of those things Where like

I feel bad putting it in the corner Because it is One of those things That's just so genuinely nice On both sides Like It's definitely It's very much

It's like It's the same level of sweetness As like Dave Isn't it Yeah Oh sweetheart It's just real sweet

Like see if someone goes Oh I can't remember Well it goes Something happened to me And somebody sent me A congratulations card And I was like aw that's

I loved I'm a muggle, I loved it when I was getting engagement cards when I got back from Australia just because they addressed them to both of you so you finally remembered their name oh Natalie, Natalie so yeah Natalie

had gotten like a hundred fucking cards like in the post from relatives that she hadn't seen in years and shit

like all of her friends like and when I got back I was like there was fucking cards all over the thing and then I

I got up a punch drunk and I started receiving them and I got like three alright but you did it very differently to Natalie every time you got one

you opened the letter to see if any money was falling quid sell it tape it alright I do I can see

why it's muggly I'll absolutely admit it I say quid sell it tape it in I have actually had quid sell it tape it in

the cards before I've received cards from relatives with quid sell it tape it in I used to get a back transfer from the tooth fairy

did you no why would you have a bag a fucking goose chair yes yes it's taken two podcasts but I finally got them back

for the geese thing gooses and also the fact that you believed it was from the tooth fairy Obviously I knew it was your mum and dad Your mum

Oh good Dad doesn't give a fuck about your teeth I'm definitely the coroner because you know what it is it's borrowed sentiments that's why

I also do feel when I send them I'm like whenever I send someone a card because I rarely send cards no Christmas cards no birthday cards

I'll tell you or I don't love you it's one or the other I'm just lazy I just don't do it I don't have the time but see what I do send a card to someone

like I send Jean care packages in Australia and whenever I send them I'm like lazy I just don't do it I don't have the time but see what I do send a card to someone like I send Jean care packages in Australia and whatever I send them I'm like she'll like this it's definitely a very muggly feeling yeah

I sent Natalie a moon pig Valentine's Day card because she's a pig as big as the moon I'll set the moon you knock this down she couldn't accept the moon pig card because she's muslim

at least for days i said our moon pig where i'd screen captured um all of the screens that were original text messages. Oh, gross. So the front pages of the card were first ever conversations in text messages. You've got to listen to your fucking shit chat. Listen, read. Musical card.

Alright, my next one. I'm a muggle because I do get a little tingly feel in my loins when I receive one. I'm definitely in the corner as well. I'm in the corner for this next one I'm about to nominate but I haven't done it in years but I'll still go in the corner.

And you are too. Muggles go to the midnight launch of games. I've done it once. I've done it several times. Me and my mate Ali we used to go to the midnight launches of every fucking Halo game. We used to stay up through the night

and then just go into school, sleep in the class. I've done it for a chat manager as well. There was another day when we were in Aberdeen and I was going to the nightclub. You know how I know it was Mugley? It's because I fucking felt it in me. I was walking up to the next bar

with a bunch of our friends and I walked past Gabe and I was like, where's Gabe open at midnight? I saw a queue of like five people and I past Game and I was like, why is Game open at midnight? And I saw a queue of like five people and I saw FIFA and I was like,

oh my god, it's midnight again and I literally looked at my friends and I looked at FIFA and I was like, I could, I could just join the queue,

get this and just Just mug off your friends? I'd not wake up with a fucking hangover. Didn't do it though. But we went straight there in the morning and I give you

my fucking games card so that I can get the points on it. And you nearly... I was so tempted to... You took a beat. He asked you if you wanted to spend the £4.30 that you had on your game card

when I was giving you it so that you would get us some more points. I was like, this would be the funniest fucking thing. I could get this game for a little bit cheaper. Not even a valuable amount. Not a life-changing amount. Like a valuable amount not a life changing amount just like a start

like the just just a piggy bank you know I spent my little bit of game because I would now I went back I would have gotten

all my shit from different places so alright Midnight Launch is a game like it's Midnight Launch

I know why you do it I've done it I'll probably do it again I am bitten so by the bug of gaming again thanks to the Switch since we got that Switch I was loving the puzzles

on Zelda like the frustration of the car games and I'm getting my love for football again by playing FIFA 18 I have been so deprived of computer games

since living on the road since not having a real fixed abode because we did one year where we managed to get those briefcases but they were still very big and cumbersome an extra thing to carry living on the road since not having a real fixed abode. Right, because we did one year where we managed to get those briefcases that had TVs in them but they were still

very big and cumbersome. It was still an extra thing to carry, an extra item of luggage. Where is this Nintendo Switch? It's fucking... If anyone works at Nintendo and wants to give us

a bunch of free shit for all the free advertising... And also, Nintendo, this is a message to all the people in the Nintendo office, why can't I use both headphones?

We quite come for 35s with them. You have to link up with the cable I genuinely thought you were going to be like here's another question for people at Nintendo

right how the fuck can when I'm in first place I get blue shelled right and while we're here asking questions you may as well

answer that one but yeah I can't link my Bluetooth headphones with them oh no but you'd know but what you still do

is plug your fucking earphones into your fucking thing so you get sound effects and then stick your noise cancelling headphones again

so you can shout loudly on airplanes oh double headphoned up like a boss just don't understand it's that woman stops and is playing

me game and I had to take off all my multiple sets of headphones like a Russian doll of music alright I think those were both

in do we have any more we'll just do two when we're in the end so Muggles say again

I don't know why you did this but you are Muggles Muggles say here's one for you at the end of the

show so next time you think you've got a bit for me or Kai go in the corner for 30 seconds to help to the corner and also time you think you've got a bit for me or Kai go in the corner for 30 seconds to help to the corner

and also Muggles go to the midnight launch a game so at midnight tonight get in the fucking corner for 30 seconds yes Muggles

wait for what's that one Daddy 2 aye what are the two greeting cards greeting cards and the one we literally just discussed.

That was yours, Games. Oh, was it? I happen to be second one. You were second one? Aye. I do this one. Wait for the penny change. Eh?

When you get a penny change, hang around. Time is money. Wait for the penny. Oh, what am I going to spend it on? Yeah, yeah, that's like petrol stations and stuff. Yeah, I always did.

I was waiting for my penny. You know what, you kind of just can't keep the change. Oh, fucks. Don't be just saying put it in the charity box. Oh, that kid's going to get his new... I've just cured cancer. He's going to get his new fucking second load. Aye, but that's why they have them there.

It's for the change. It's because it all adds up, Coy. Every penny counts. Right, we'll set that one in. Right. And, Emil, that one was the greetings cards. All right. Oh, before we get into your dads,

just so you can't fuck off with the tour dates, ha, ha, ha, I've conned you, ha, ha. Now you have to stay for the tour dates. Because I reckon people just turn off the second of the year. I don't think so. They're probably fast forwarding right now. Oh fuck. Smart bastards.

Wait so we'll actually put them in the dad jokes as well. Aye. Your dad goes to Cambridge on the 3rd of Tuesday. The 3rd of Tuesday. The 3rd of Tuesday. On Tuesday the 3rd of October we will be in Cambridge at the Junction that is pretty much

sold out so get on that rewind one day on Monday Daniel is having a day off where he's just going to be playing FIFA however

Punch Drunk Comedy is happening and we've got Gareth Waugh from the podcast is going to be at the gig Eddie Brimson who is Dynamite

and Rob Dearing who's going to fucking take the roof off the place I'm going to be hosting on Monday and then if you live in the North East and you're going to be nowhere near Cambridge, you can go to Blythe on the Tuesday.

And then Kissy Tulips is doing the rest. Yes, Andrew Stanley. If you listened when I was in Adelaide and Perth, I recorded the podcast with Kissy Tulips, Andrew Stanley. He's going to be hosting the Punch Drunk shows in my absence while I'm at Cambridge on Tuesday and on Wednesday. We are in Lincoln on the 4th of

October at the Engine Shed on the 5th of October which is Thursday on the 6th which is

Friday we will be in Hemel Hempstead at Old Town Hall Saturday and Norwich Sunday in Coventry but

we'll talk to you again on fucking Thursday anywho right about your dad your dad you right about your dad your da

you go first your dad's cushions on his couch are all filled with his own hair your dad has a minstrel cycle once a month

he does outdated and hugely offensive impressions of minorities your dad sits arm wrestling himself arm wrestling himself for hours your dad's doing career mode on FIFA as the groundskeeper.

Your dad doesn't know the difference between lettuce and cabbage. He never taught me. The orange doesn't fall too far from the tree. Your dad's getting plastic surgery To look like the bunny Snapchat filter The points on your dad's boots at marriage card Could buy him a three bedroom house in London Your mum took your dad's name after the marriage Out of self respect, hope and will to live

Your dad has forgotten the face of his father. Your dad keeps trying to make water angels in the swimming pool. Turns out he's just swimming. I reckon I got that wrong. Slander. Your dad was born on a leap year and whenever anyone asks his age he says he's 14. Your dad thinks wet dreams are when you wake up crying. Your dad swims backstroke when he's swimming out to rescue someone.

He's making water angels. Your dad asked Dunkin' Donuts to make the holes smaller so he could fuck him better. Your dad takes his wedding ring off a bingo. Your dad takes Domino's pizza back. NM, what about you?

ASL. TB. Your dad's a cat. He's a kitty cat. Meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow. Man, anyone who gets that reference is going to die and another 99% are going to fucking hate that. Jean, somewhere in Australia, just burst into laughter.

Natalie's going to overcook on that one now. Gina's just sat somewhere right now and she's just burst into fucking tears. Which isn't unusual for her. Gina's cried because the elevator was smaller than last year. And she thought it was because loads of people had died there's so many more businesses oh this is capitalism

let's take it over for media man we should do one special where it's only your dad jokes it's just Gene jokes Oh Gene It's just Gene jokes Next show do this

next show do a Gene special Gene special Yeah Your Gene jokes I mean we could just Oh no I was going to say we could just send them to her

but I guess that's just bullying If we were to just do voice recordings of us saying horrible things. We'd watch the crowds. That would be one of them. You cry when you get texts off your mates. Because they're all abusive.

It's all you tell me stuff I do. Your dad arches his back and hisses Whenever another dad comes into the garden Yes, he's a cat Your dad leaves a water pistol Under his bed in case it's intruders Your dad keeps one under his pillow For his truth. Your dad poses

as a 13 year old online forum just to remind himself of what it's like to be wanted. End of chat with your dad because he's 14 good fun

fun with friends alright bon week mon latimer no mon latimer yeah so come see us on Tuesday it's weird now

because we don't know how to wrap up because we've already done the plugs oh I can't plug my download bye