Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 23 Garf and Cream

Episode Date: December 27, 2016

SUPES SOZZLEBERRIES ABOUT THE DELAY!  Not really though. Cream here. Muggins is off in Alicante on holiday, so I grabbed Gareth Waugh to be the replacement Muggins, and honestly, he did a better job. So listen, enjoy and the next one will be out on time, I promise. Ish.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and Cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream. And that's our intro. Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Awww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss kiss kiss! Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

All right, we are back. It's me, Craig. Apologies should be in order because it's been a while since we put out a podcast and that's because I did one and I was too drunk to post it and then realised I didn't know how to post it. So I had to go see Kai for him to post it

and it was late and now this one's late too because me and Connie aren't together I would apologise but it's free so fuck yourselves so like what do you want me to do miracle work

no so I've done a little bit of miracle work I've got guests on the show did we come up with a nickname for you last time can you remember we just used the one

I had from high school which was Garth Garth it's Garth it's Garth Waugh who did his first one the absolutely fucking hammered shit face one that went out last it's Cream and Garth. It's Garth. It's Garth Waugh who did his first one, the absolutely fucking

hammered shit face one that went out last. It's Cream and Garth. Garth and Cream. It's Cream and Garth. Straight up barfing, living the dream. Do you remember any of the one

we did in that episode? No, none at all. We listened to it the other day and I was going, I don't remember saying that. I think there was some good stuff in it. Yeah.

But I think there was a lot of talking over each other and a lot of shit. So there's a lot of pressure on you now to make this podcast seem good for two reasons. One, their first introduction to you was you hammered. Yeah. And two, this is like the first podcast I've done without Kai. So if it's shit, it's either your fault or my fault and you know

well luckily Kai's the only one who knows how to upload it oh that is true yeah yeah we will have to wait for him to come back no one will ever find out

Kai's off in Tenerife or something having a fucking as a ginger just daring daring cancer to take him

yeah melanomas what are melanomas it's cancer I think it's might actually be the mole you get from cancer. The mole cancers. Merry Christmas everybody. Yeah. Did you have a good Christmas? It was alright. Yeah what did you do? I spent the morning at my mum's and then I went to my girlfriend's mum and dad's in the day. Yeah. And my dad's as well. I went to his house for a bit your parents divorced yeah I wish I knew that before I'd written your dad jokes

yeah they would have been way more brutal some of them might now knowing that now that I wrote them out of context might make funnier everyone goes on

about how it's like two Christmases how great it is but all that happens is you realise two times during the day how much your parents know nothing about you. Oh, really?

Like, gifts were all right, but... Oh, you mean gift, what did you get? I got... What did I... My mum paid for some of my holiday that I had in Altitude, which was nice for... Oh, that's a good gift for a seven-year-old. Yeah.

What did my dad get? My dad just gave me money. So actually, he does know me pretty well. Take it back. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, Dad. Yeah, you need this. Is there not an age where it gets weird to get money as a present?

A little bit. I used to get money when I was 18. My grandparents, because they've got loads of funds and stuff that they saved for years because they loved their grandkids. I think when I turned 18 they gave me a large chunk of money as a present

but that was like for a house deposit in the future I feel like that's fine because there's a large amount of money it's got to be something weird

like if you're 22 and your dad just gives you 50 quid 27 27 my dad's giving me well he phoned me and he was like what do you want

and I went to be honest I don't know like I was like there and I went to be honest I don't know like I was like there's nothing that I want that I haven't already bought myself

yeah yeah yeah because that was the other thing my mum went onto my Amazon wish list and she was like oh everything's so expensive

I went yeah it's a wish list yeah yeah I wish I could have that yeah yeah if it was something that I could afford it wouldn't be

on the wish list it would be in my house I would physically have it yeah yeah yeah yeah nobody goes to a wishing well for lasagna

it's never well if I hadn't thrown that money in the well I could have probably bought lasagna because my brother's one of them's 16 and for birthday

I've got no problem giving you money but maybe this is just my Nazi regime upbringing of love of Christmas my mum has, would refuse to ever give me money because it's Christmas. You've got to have something to unwrap.

You've got to open, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I guess you can wrap each thing individually. But then again, I don't know how much money to fucking give my brothers because, like, I mean, I'm going to sound like such an old person here, but when I was young,

the tooth fairy left you two quid. Yeah, yeah. It was about two quid. Yeah, yeah. Now, I know for some people, the older listeners of the podcast, that's going to seem like so much fucking money. They're going to be like, you were lucky if she didn't kiss you while you were sleeping. I love that you think old people listen to this.

We're not, no, because we're not down with the kids, so therefore I can only assume we're with the oldies all the Brexit boys all the Brexit boys yeah now I do know some people over the age

of 40 that listen to this looking at you my old math teacher Mr Lethem also looking at you mum and dad and also looking at you mum

massively taking the compliment there when I said over the age of 40 felt like I could have been a little bit more specific oh that's an interesting this is about a friend of ours of 40. Felt like I could have been a little bit more specific.

That's interesting. This is about a friend of ours who's going to remain anonymous for this thing. Not really a friend, but an associate. A friend of a friend. Right, okay. Apparently was bragging about having a ten and three quarter inch dick. Okay. Now, apart from the fact that I just

there's many reasons I don't believe that, but the main one being once you get past 10 inches, surely you stop measuring quarters. Yeah, you call that 11. Yeah, you just... Take the win. Yeah, you don't. Or even just say

10. Yeah. Like it's who's going to be like, oh fuck, my clit's actually three quarters of the way up it's so close another clit obviously the clitoral cluster I don't know how the genit works three quarters

yeah I've never once heard anybody yeah like LeBron James isn't fucking seven foot half an inch he's just like

I'm seven foot I'm fucking tall as shit mate yeah I just the unnecessary specification to me suggests it might be full of shit yeah I think that the unnecessary specification to me suggests it might be full of shit

yeah I think that's something you do more like so I'm 5 foot 6 and 3 quarter inches right

that's so I mean 5'7 let's call it that when you're going down so like yeah like if your dick's

4 inches 3 quarter 4 and 3 quarter inches that's when you bring in cross fuck it bring in 7 bring in 8 at that point

get every little fucking bit this is where you shave your pubes to make it seem longer suck in your belly a bit look at it yeah look at it now hold on

it's almost on my belly come on yeah I want to know who that is oh I'll tell you after the podcast yeah yeah yeah it will not surprise you and you will also be

seeing him tonight at the party that we're both attending oh okay but don't bring it up because I think he said it when he was drunk yeah

but yeah I just for me that's such a it's so weird because it's it's really something I get the obsession

men have with the sort of sizes of their dick which definitely goes away in later life. Yeah, I haven't measured mine for, I'm going to guess, like eight years. No, I guess you haven't needed to. There's a nature where it stops growing.

Yeah, I think once you're 18, that's what you're fucking stuck with. Not shut up on the wall. Yeah, just a high chart. God. Yeah. But it's like, for for some reason it's higher up when you were younger you're like oh no

either I'm shrinking or my dick was bigger back then because we went for out in Altitude we went for a lot of naked spas yeah yeah yeah

one of the spas in Altitude it's great it's got a pool it's got a bunch of it's got a jacuzzi like three saunas steam rooms

but you've got to be fully fucking naked yeah in that environment and we went pretty much every day you, me, Kai yeah yeah

Rick is Andrew, Max there's a point we all just go right just to check just everywhere we're all going to see eventually

take an itinerary yeah but I don't think girls have that I guess it would be with their boobs I don't think girls are made for the size

of their fanny I think I think it's probably they're not even looking specifically, they're looking for every flaw, I reckon. Because girls are kind of like that. Like, they'll be looking,

going, oh, her belly button's a bit outy. Oh, and then again, because there were some chicks in our one, in the naked spa we were in, and they were just absolutely owning it. And that was the point where it's, like, even, like, there were women walking there,

and I was just like, do I, it's the same with men, because because with men I would just look. If a man walks past me naked, I've got no problem being like, looking at your mantids, looking at your belly, looking at your dick, looking at your butt crack. That's a hitty butt crack, no problem. But the second, like, I just got to pretend that I'm in the huff with them. Yeah, yeah.

Like I don't see them. I'm like a dog that's taking a shit but not like, it's not, I'm not doing anything wrong. There was a point when we were in one of the saunas and a girl came in

and she was chatting and I remember just having like Jedi levels of eye contact. Oh yeah. Yeah. What? Yeah.

I am looking only at your eyes. Just like a Buddhist level focus of just, ooh. I wonder if she thought I was rude. She's like, my tits are down here. Yeah, come on. Hey, hey, hey.

Down here, mister. I'm so confident in these that I've got them. Come on. I've walked into a largely 99% milk club with these out. Yeah. The other one was like, the most fun I have is once you get past it, you realise that there's no way at least I like to think where you grow out

of stupidity because all we were doing in that pool together was doing backstrokes past each other's faces so our dicks were out of the water doing the Jaws

thing like there was one where me and Rick were trying to doggy paddle so only our ass stuck out of the water

it was so hard I tried it I could not do it oh yeah i i think i've got quite a good i reckon if i learned how to twerk i'd be quite good at it i got a big badonga don't i got a tiny little ass little flat white boy bum yeah yeah you're gonna see i got i got some uh i'm dragging a white boy it's like it's almost like a concave lens it's so straight but yeah and then like the water jets come on and we all swim to that end so we can put our butts on the water jets that that also we realize how filthy that pool must be because you're in the pool you're like this will be clean but the first thing i did there's jets there i'm like well my butthole's going up against this yeah and i keep my butthole clean

right i do i shave it regularly i wipe with wet wipes. Like, I keep this. But just because I do doesn't mean every man in there keeps her butt. Oh, God, no. But every man in there has done the exact same thing. Yeah. I refuse to believe any man's ever walked into a fucking naked pool, seen a jet and been like, oh. That's not for me. Yeah, no, no, no, no. I'll respect this place that I come to once a year.

Now, my butthole's going there. See if I can make myself fart. And I think it's less of a thing now my butthole's going there see if I can make myself fart and I think yeah I think it's less of a thing now but somebody's pissed in there

do you know what I mean yeah oh well this is a horrible story from last year that I'll shoot I'm basically digging into this

yeah me, Kai, Ricketts and Chris Quayle and Agent were in a steam room and you've met our friend Ricketts

Craig Adam he's just he's the funniest man but he's just filth and depraved and horrible we're just all in this steam room it's just the four of us and Kai just starts freaking out stands up when I turn around and Ricketts is just pissing on him

just pissing on the back of Kai and laughing so hard that Kai couldn't be mad because the level of laughter he was offering her was just like this is so I'm laughing too and then Kai starts peeing on it and I'm laughing and I'm like oh look

I don't want to be involved in this fight but if I get pissed on I'm involved in the fight I'm not going to be the last person pissed on right I'm not going to I'm not going to sit there like fucking stoic I'm not going to be a pacifist during a piss fight right I don't care who there's no fucking stoic. I'm not going to be a pacifist during a piss fight, right? Pacifist?

Yeah, pacifist. There's no way I'm going to be sat there being pissed on by two blokes and be like, this is very immature. I'll be the bigger man. No, you're just getting fucking pissed on, Cans. Chris Quayle, though, very lovely middle class man, could not handle it.

I dare ask this is fully unacceptable there's no retaliation to being pissed on other than to then piss on that pair you've got to that's animal kingdom shit yeah it is a bit animal kingdom but for me it's just like

that's this story, the second you pee on me this is a story that's going to be told which I've just proven right but I can't have the story be I got pissed on

that was it yeah yeah so he pissed on you what did you do oh well I was obviously very angry obviously as you would be it's an unforgivable

stupid thing that he did but if you don't do it in return you're a fucking mug yeah totally yeah do you pee in the shower this is something

I want to bring up yeah yeah yeah I feel see like before I go in if I feel like

oh I need to pee then I'll pee in the toilet but if I'm in there and then I go oh I need to pee fucking go for it yeah I'm not getting out or Gabe

because the way I would work would be I'm not getting out of the shower and my only other option then is the more technical one of like let's see if I can get it in the toilet

from the shower I've tried it but that's more and when it pays off it's great which is never there's 60% of it there's the

no no no yay no no no there's a bell curve of when the bell your bell end was pissing at the bell when I'm really drunk

if I'm in the toilets by myself and I start I'll have a little look around and I'll start just going back and going really drunk, if I'm in the toilets by myself, and I start, I'll have a little look around, and I'll start just going back, and going really far back as I can, and like getting a look, and then you feel it's lacking,

and I come back in. Yeah, it's, yeah, it's, you're just trying to keep, you're always listening to the noise, it's like water,

water, water, porcelain, porcelain, porcelain. yeah. I do that all the time. I'm like,

fuck, this is the kitchen. Girl's screaming, oh my god oh my god I've also I will admit that it's been

within the last four years that I checked how high I can shit from oh I've never done that you've never

checked how high you can shit from that's a fun game yeah if your aim's good if it's not it's an awful game which Gene does not

care for the explanation of at all it doesn't matter how much you try it's besides I'm's an awful game, which Gene does not care for the explanation of at all. It doesn't matter how much you try and say it's besides. I'm going to have to try that. Have you ever pissed in a cupboard or something

by mistake? Oh, while drunk? Yeah. No, no, never. I know people that have. I'll have Tom Houghton on the podcast at one point and he'll tell a horrific story.

Yeah, I woke up and then, well, I woke up from somebody shouting at me and they were shouting my name and I woke up and then well I woke up from somebody shouting at me and they were shouting my name and I woke up

and I was pissing in the top drawer of my like desk of my like desk of drawers yeah

like sorry in my room yeah so the top drawer where I kept all my underwear so I literally pissed all my pants

at once the only clean pants I had were the ones I was wearing which was ridiculous you pissed your pants in the worst way

yeah but in my defense that then seeps through to the socks and then to the socks as well yeah so I covered all that

but like I was only halfway through so I got most of it but in my defense save the second drawer for the shit the toilet is like

right behind that where the drawers were. So I was only probably about like 10 feet from the toilet. But just in the wrong room. In the wrong room. Yeah. And I pulled out the drawer like it's a toilet seat. That's the wrong way. Oh my God.

See, I don't get that type of... I've only done it once. I don't get that type of drunk. Nah. I'm always on. But I was asleep. That's the thing. I was asleep that's the thing I was asleep as well

so I was really drunk and then I've been like sleepwalking and did it but that's the only time I've ever had anything like that because I used to

always listen to stories like that and be like what are you talking about yeah what kind of fucking moron it's a cupboard I would have been freaked out like

I've never encountered a sleepwalker nah me neither I've never encountered one but it freaks me people are like oh it's funny I know friends of mine who've got partners that sleepwalk because I've even had one but it freaks me people like us funny I know friends of mine who've got partners that sleep well because I've even had people who sleep talk just a bit and sleep talking terrifies

me I was um I was having sex with a woman a while ago and again well yeah and she wasn't a girl that I'd seen before so I was just sort of staying over and I put in a text. She fell asleep and I just couldn't sleep so I just stayed up on my phone and she started talking

to me and I genuinely thought it was conversation. It was making no sense but I just thought she was mumbling it, her face was in the pillow and she was like,

we need to, we need to go get the gremlins and I was like, what do you, what do you need me to do? And she's just like, we just need to get it done by Sunday. And it was three, what do you need me to do? And she's just like, you need to get it done by Sunday. And it was three minutes before I realised,

oh, you're sleepwalking. But she's got no control. So for me, sleepwalking. She could just murder you. Yeah. I've had it before when I've been sharing a bed with someone and they've started sleep laughing, which was one of the worst things that's ever happened.

Just while you're trying to sleep. What the is that about what are you doing yeah just yeah that's one of the last noises you want to hear in the middle of the dark yeah or just while drifting off to sleep yeah the last thing you hear is laughter bad times laughter or a zip going down yeah yeah yeah very bad time two worse noises to hear just about as you're off oh oh

alright shall we get on to our first game yeah right so you've been on the podcast before because there was four people on that one we sort of sped

through them as much whereas this one now gives you the chance to play them properly so we'll start off as always with Muggle Corner.

Yay! And for any people that don't listen to the podcast, and to the seven people that have come back from our very long gap, Muggle Corner is basically... There are people in the world who... They're just a bit normal. Yeah. It doesn't make them bad people, but they just...

You're never gonna see their name in the newspaper unless it's like the obituary that their muggle partner also paid to put like it's just they're they do stuff they

contribute they're not bad people but they just if if they were to die and you were to go to like there's go down to another alternative universe where they didn't die

same universe in 20 years is all I'm saying. Exact same universe. Nothing's changed. Go back a million years, step on a butterfly. We've got a monkey tail. We've got lion heads and we fly spaceships that are shaped like cows. Kill this person 20 years ago.

Nothing. Trump's still president and you're still a loser. So these people, it's not a bad thing but we just nominate things we think muggles do and if we both agree you have to go stand in the corner for 30 seconds now just to reiterate it doesn't make a bad person i'm guilty of half the muggle things i nominate uh but you just you got to just admit that you're just a little bit shit yeah uh my first one and this is perfect timing as well people give grief about people who grieve celebrity deaths

like you know whenever a celebrity dies the perfect one was after George Michael just died, people being like oh but nobody's crying for the 50,000 Syrian children that died this year and you go first of all valid point in the sense that obviously that's much worse than the death of

George Michael but I I didn't hear those kids sing like they weren't a big part of my life like I didn't know their names

every day they were like it's obviously awful and people and I agree it's not getting as much

sympathy as but to compare the two like because sometimes celebrity deaths I don't get great I see people being

affected by ones I'm like oh really that yeah that person affected your life but I'll never mention it because I've got

stupid ones Ryan Dunn yeah when Ryan Dunn from Jackass died devastated like I grew up on Jackass

yeah he was a fuckhead yeah he died like a fuckhead yeah but that doesn't change for six years I laugh my fuck

but I'm not gonna be like yeah yeah I like yeah it seems like a fuckhead but that doesn't change for six years I laugh my fuck but I'm not going to be like yeah yeah I like yeah it seems like with Barry like I've listened to a couple of his songs but people were devastated about Barry

and I get it you're allowed to be sad about stuff yeah people giving grief about the George Michael one being like I didn't even like his music

you go regards to that I imagine I can't relate to it but I imagine there were you know gay people in the fucking 70s and 80s

and there was just this unapologetic man just coming out and just owning what he was not being ashamed not just going

for the different and even to us that seems like nothing because that doesn't affect us I reckon if you're growing up young then that's a big

for you to be like whoa but the Syrian refugees none of those Syrian kids helped those they didn't write they didn't write

faith did they they didn't make a stylish t-shirt popular yeah how many episodes of extras were they in that's what I want

to ask you none well that's mainly Ricky Gervais fault massive racist for legal purposes I have to say that's not true

and also for truth purposes I also have to say that's not true and also for truth purposes they also have to say that's not true yeah totally give you that one I think it's the

same thing it's like just when you get upset about anything and people are like oh what about this like when there was a

terrorist attack somewhere and everyone went what about the terrorist attack that happened in Turkey it's like I can't keep up

with everything I'm sorry why are you more concerned about the attack in Paris than the one in Turkey it's like I can't keep up with everything I'm sorry fuck and I feel like why are you more concerned about the attack in Paris than the one in Turkey because I don't live in Turkey

like I'm not it's awful that it happened I can speak bits of French I can't say a fucking word in Turkish other than Donner yeah I've been to France

seven times I've never been to Turkey yeah but I also feel that when people are doing that people that are saying that you're not Yeah. I've been to France seven times. I've never been to Turkey. Yeah. But I also feel that when people are doing that, people that are saying that, you're not, you also don't care

about those fucking kids. You're not doing anything. You're not, these people are never the ones. If they cared about it, they'd be talking about it rather than talking about the people not talking about it.

Yeah, exactly. They'd be going, this is all, nobody should do anything about this. Neither did you, you cunt. Yeah. This is the first time

you've brought up you're putting a hierarchy on grief like how the way I use my grief and sadness is actually much better than the way the rest of you waste your grief and sadness on these false gods shut up cunt

no absolutely give you that one straight into Muggle Corner my first one is a christmas related one and it's when somebody gets a gift that's in the shape of a bottle yeah and they go i wonder what this is or i think i know what this might be i 100% agree but I am absolutely in the corner because I did that twice on Christmas Day but my other one to give people that gift

like abolish it and be like it's a puppy I did that joke at least three times on Christmas, twice to my dad two separate presents fully admit it's muggly yeah that's just

stupid I love those types of jokes I love them as well but I it's just such a muggly thing that we all do

but when it gets done to me I'm like oh shut up you fucking muggle yeah if I watch

somebody do it I hate it oh totally but if I do it's just because I'm doing it ironically it's different when I do it

you're doing it because you find it humorous whereas I'm a genius I'm subverting the art itself I think even guessing gifts

before you get them is a bit weird like just open it up yeah I'll still get I guessed eight of mines did you?

right yeah I was opening and I did like a few in a row to the point where it actually became quite impressive so I was going this one's shower gel and it was opening and I did like a few in a row to the point where it actually became quite impressive so I was going

this one's shower gel and it was shower gel and I was like fucking hell and then there was one what was it I went this one's a toothbrush and it was a toothbrush

I went first of all don't give me a toothbrush you cheeky cunt yeah also this one's shower gel this one's toothbrush this is soap

guys what are you hold on what are you trying to say here's some bleach drink it you cunt yeah I think your family this is soap guys what are you hold on what are you trying to say here's some bleach drink it you cunt yeah I think your family think you stink

yeah probably but eh there was another one there was another really specific one that I got and I was like first of all

mental that you're giving me this second of all how did I get that like it's nuts I was impressing myself but I think yeah just open it up

you got toothbrush see I would get toothbrushes and stockings but they would always be but I think yeah just open it up you got toothbrush see I would get toothbrushes and stockings but they would always be like I was just talking about it but we wrapped up yeah my mum would

she'd get like those knobbly ones that like you remember those old ones that used to allegedly play if you brush your teeth it would play music

no no is that a lie that your mum told you no no if you brush them it'll play okay

the things themselves might have been lies but the pseudoscience I remember it being No. Is that a lie that your mum told you? No, no, no. If you brush them it'll play as a okay. The things themselves might have been lies but the pseudoscience I remember it being is like when you brush your teeth it doesn't there's no speaker on the thing

it's just played through the thing but because your teeth are connected to your ears or whatever the science was it goes into your head so you hear the music. I have never heard of that. Never?

No. Oh, I definitely got maybe it's an American thing my mum would always come back with weird ones but those were definitely but they're not just in speakers it's like

but it was never like who brushes their teeth for three and a half minutes there are dentists going everyone yeah like

I don't know like two minutes but I give a like I don't do longevity I fucking I get it like I'm trying to get rid of

gum disease and you're trying to make your gum stronger and you're trying to get shit off I'm not polishing them I don't need them to be white I need them to get rid of gum disease and you're trying to make your gum stronger and you're trying to get shit off I'm not polishing them I don't need them to be white I need them to be functional it's a mission

I'll focus on one area as well that bit's clean now I won't go all over the place people that just do freestyle respect your mouth I go back right I go top back right and then I go in the inside

always gotta get the insights right same thing up and down up and down up and down a little bit and people say that's bad

no it's for your gums yeah but then also that's because I'm very harsh because I'll go sometimes if I'm drunk I'll forget to brush

my fucking teeth yeah like there's been a couple of days sometimes I'll forget toothbrushes and just not I'll not leave the house yeah so by that third day i'm like all right i need to

punish myself you can feel your own oh god yeah whenever i whenever i fucking spat at the end it's like that bit in the shining when the elevator's open just all the oh my god oh yeah no i i reckon yeah i've had i've been after long periods of time when i spat it looks like i've been in a fight that I lost massively like I just fucking Tyler Durden'd myself but with a toothbrush

but just going back to that one yeah pretending you're obviously wrapped gift is something else and that and that is

just to have another crisp one in there that I also did when the turkey comes out when you go what's everyone else having oh

I did of course I did that yeah but that's also in the corner and I'll join anyone who though in my books

I know you're a muggle but you're my kind of muggle 30 seconds it's just quite banning um this is another side of Christmas day related one

people go to boxing day sales oh yeah fuck those people genuinely what are you like the people were up at

8am yep it's boxing day people were queuing be hungover and watch Doctor Who do beer bubble that way you don't leave the house

you don't leave the house on Christmas people will go for Christmas walks do your family do that no of course not because you can't drink on the streets Christmas. People will go for Christmas walks. Have you done? Do your family do that? No, of course not. Because you can't drink on the streets. Yeah.

Can we go for a Christmas walk? No. Yeah. I'm not going outside. Stay warm and be disgusting. I want to eat until I feel shit and then drink until I can eat some more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't go for a walk in the cold like a psycho.

Yeah. I'll walk my dog every Christmas morning. But it's me alone just going, I'll walk my dog every Christmas morning but it's just me alone just going I'll do this at 11 and I'll just lay right for the rest of the fucking night

yeah there was people in Edinburgh that were queuing at 2 in the morning for Boxing Day sales what are you it's like

what does next have that you need to get for a half price yeah I mean that you can't wait a day for I feel like with Boxing Day sales

you're not going to expensive... Like, if you're going to, like, a... I don't know, a Ralph Lauren shop or Ray-Ban, right? If... Or fucking Lexus. If they're doing a half-day... Yeah! Half-price car, queue.

Half-price houses, right? If the real estate agent, they're doing a half-price box and sales, fucking queue over Christmas. Fuck your family. That's a bargain. You get a fucking you're getting a fucking choker

for a five or less it's never luxury items no it's even the TVs you're not you're getting the

ones that weren't bought for Christmas and the clothes that fitted no human being alive yeah

because these are other stuff that weren't bought during Christmas you were buying it's a little bit big but it was only 20 quid it doesn't fit during Christmas you were buying it's a little bit big but it was

it was only 20 quid it doesn't fit you you can't you're the person who's enjoying the leftover meal more than the Christmas meal like oh it's better than no

you're bidding on all the shit stuff yeah and just to queue with all just animals Lauren Patterson

on Twitter made a very good point Lauren Patterson by the way very very funny Geordie comic she made an excellent point

that made me feel a bit like shit she was like all the people moaning about the Boxing Day people queuing for Boxing Day sales

who are then moaning about it in the pub that same day realised the hypocrisy I was like oh yeah because I would

definitely go to the pub on Boxing Day yeah and it's just as bad yeah that's totally fair actually and I would I would totally do it I've done it loads and I don't see it's just as bad yeah that's totally fair actually and I would I would totally do it

I've done it loads and I don't see it at all as being the same thing whereas it totally should be but I guess that's the thing we never said Muggle Corner was perfect

we're all aware that it's very fucking you know biased and stuff it's always if I do it it's not Mugly but when you do it

it is yeah my version of your thing is the cool version because it's my version and I'm obviously right but yeah that's a bit I love the pub on because it's my version and I'm obviously right but yeah that's a bit

I love the pub on Boxing Day oh that's great or New Year's Day just for a oh not New Year's Day like the second second yeah because January 1st

I never leave the house who does I'm dead does anything happen outside the house I bet there are some people that go fucking hill walking yeah

start just did a triathlon like that's the thing I feel like New Year's resolutions people go I'm like no it starts in the second

nobody's New Year's resolution starts this year I'm going to do less drugs you stopped at 7am on the first

like wait you started it in the worst position don't pretend New Year knew me when at fucking midnight when the bells rang

you were doing Jager bombs and singing Auld Lang Syne with your fucking tits out second of second of January

that's the new you that's the first of January yeah yeah that's the real first of January when I say triathlon I just remember there is a triathlon

on Edinburgh on the first of January and somebody asked me if I wanted to do it and I was like fuck no I don't want to do a triathlon at any point in my life

if you can do that though I will say oh fucking well done proper respect for that but just you and I live very different lives like you

go we have fun yeah and you go for a swim yeah you go for those natural highs that don't kill you

you fucking disgusting but yeah the Boxing Day sales for me is just just don't kill you you fucking disgusting uh but yeah the boxing day sales for me is just just don't do it it's how much how much do you need it like yeah if you wait a day if you really need it if you really need it and this is the only day i will let you off right i will i'll let you off if there's something like this is the cheapest it'll ever be i've wanted it for six months i specifically timed it for this day i'll i'll ever be. I've wanted it for six months. I specifically timed it for this day. I'll say that's not muggly.

That's logical. But if you're just going there because shit's half price just to throw your money and see what it fucking sticks. Yeah. Like, that's on you. You're a muggle.

Go in the corner for 30 seconds with your new fucking high heels. Okay. Another kind of like jokey thing that people say is if you ask somebody if you can have a cigarette and then you can't find the lighter and you go sorry could I get a lighter as well and then they go do you want me to smoke it for you too yeah when they do that if anybody does that I go yeah and I give them it back

and I leave because I'm like yeah please do because otherwise I'm going to have to chat to you for like a minute or two minutes and I can already tell

that your banter is fucking atrocious I'd rather in fact if anything thank you for doing that because you just you saved me five minutes of my life

and also 20 minutes of what at least would have felt like I saw the trailer to the movie and none of the funny bits were in minutes of what at least would have felt like that. I saw the trailer to the movie and none of the funny bits were in it. Yeah, not good. You could have hangover-thread me.

The problem with that one is, right, the bodily thing's a little bit funny. Like, it's a little bit funny. When they go, do you want me to smoke a... It's such a negative kind of joke that it's not... Nobody has ever laughed at that.

It's the one I always used to get whenever I went down to the chippy and get lots of brown I love brown sauce yeah loads of brown sauce

and we'll be like do you want some chips with this brown sauce oh shut up nobody's laughed at that it's like oh shut

up you fucking Michael yeah oh that's that's one of the ones this week I talked about this a while ago in the

podcast is is the difference of the intention of the ones this week I talked about this a while ago in the podcast is the difference of the intention of the joke like if it's if you're doing it to specifically I don't think they're saying it to be funny that's the other thing they're just saying it they're disguising a dicky comment

as a joke as opposed to disguising like a joke in a dicky way like I feel like if you're just making a shit joke as long as youising like a joke as a in a dicky way like I feel like if you're just making a shit joke you know what even as long as

you make the face I always do if you're doing an awful joke because you know I'm gonna fucking cringe and more carry on

because I'll do that to you in the future but like if you if you're these are the things that strangers say to

you as well like do you want any story chips with that fucking sauce yeah I'm trying to think about any fucking other ones if you've got any suggestions on there on twitter please let us know there's one it's not quite the same but like if you've

been standing with a friend waiting in mcdonald's and they go i thought this was supposed to be fast food oh god yeah we've been here a minute just alright alright shitty batter alright because I would say that's

what a dad joke is a dad joke the victims of the jokes are the ones who hear it that's it it's never

like that's why I think they're so innocent and great because it's just they're like

pans I would guess like pans I find so excruciating but I understand why people like them because you just go and great because it's just they're like pans I would guess like pans I find so excruciating but I understand why people like them because you just go

oh lowest form of gravity yeah yeah no I'll totally give it so what was that full one there

so people when you ask to borrow a cigarette and then a lighter go do you want me to smoke it for you too alright I'll totally

give you that one this might be one that's open for debate because I feel like I have to specify a little bit but muggles take photos on holiday

right now the reason this is now I'm a very bad tourist me and Kai when we were in Paris on tour we got there like two

he's like do you want to go see the Eiffel Tower and I said fucking google it like that's what it looks like. Like, I've seen it before. It's fine.

But that's what it, I don't need to see it because I've seen it a thousand times. And if the, unless it's like the Grand Canyon, which is just this thing that I've not seen it, but I've been told that you just can't comprehend until you see it. That's not the Eiffel Tower. It's also not the Statue of Liberty. It's just go like can you believe a person built this yeah

yeah planes go higher than it yeah I can if you told me someone made the Grand Canyon I'd be like what the fuck it's just been ages

yeah like if Mount Rushmore if that's how they found it totally would go right but that's pretty impressive is it

it's fucking faces carved into the height of a hill but I feel it's smaller than we think it is is it it's fucking faces carved into the side of a hill but I feel it's smaller than we think it is is it small because I think yeah see I've never seen it

it's the same with the Statue of Liberty the reason I haven't gone is everyone said the Statue of Liberty is fucking tiny in your head it's this big

fucking thing yeah because I've only ever seen it on like movies and shit so for me there's two types of photos you take

on holiday there's one you're taking a picture of a thing you saw like a landmark right they're that the you're taking a picture of a thing you saw like a landmark right there are professional everything you've taken

a photograph of a professional has done it better than you and I'll just look at his pictures of it right I don't need your shit version

of what the fucking linen tower of Pisa looks like the second version is selfies right do you want me to look at you with a thing

right here's me in front of the thing no decision do you want me to look at you want me thing right is me in front of the thing no decision do you want me to look at you want me to acknowledge the fact that you're

there right yeah if you're just on the phone here I am or you could just check in I'm not gonna

I'm not gonna call your bluff and you're going to fucking Alicante it'd be a shit lie yeah

and if you are lying to me about that I don't want to bring it up with you you're clearly going through a bad time

yeah I think yeah if it's because I mean originally it I don't want to bring it up with you you're clearly going through a bad time yeah and I think yeah if it's because I mean originally it was just for memories wasn't it so you could look at memories but nobody's looking at them anymore you know what I mean

no for me I've never found the need to take the pictures I take I get one of the weird things I do is I get disposable cameras I love disposable cameras

because I love I love my mum and dad from their generation just have loads of photo albums of when they were teenagers and and and getting married and stuff and they were all those I feel are like stills in time I go oh that's that's cool it's never everyone's posing someone brought out a disposable camera while everyone else was talking and they took a photo so it's like a

genuine and those are the photos I like taking real moments yeah yeah where it is I agree and it's nice to have because then with the fucking disposable camera you don't have anyone

going no take it I looked awful in that one you just whatever photo you took you lived with that's the way

you're remembered for life whereas now we just have no I need to cheat more this more your photo holiday

should be like you in the pool fine you at the beach fine you doing holiday things fine food

I'll even let you take a picture of your food but when it's like here's me in front of the thing I don't care I've seen you I've seen the thing

at no point when I saw that thing and I saw you was I like do you know one thing that would make this better if Dave was in front of it

in a fucking sweater vest. Yeah. I wish, talking about holiday, I wish I took more photos than I do, though. I wish you had more from my altitude. Yeah, almost 10. And I looked at my phone and I was like, I swear I had more than that.

And I've only got like maybe 15 or something, which seems like quite a lot, but that's two a day. But the good thing is, and this is, again, my constant argument that muggles are not bad people and when we say you do a muggly thing it doesn't make you a full muggle

the advantage of that was there were people in Altitude Brothers who took so many photos and we just went send them to us so it's sheer laziness on my part

like the fact that I'll let someone else go and do the muggly thing so I can sit in my smug little high horse but then I'll enjoy them in the privacy of my home just being like, oh, I look good in that one. That was a fun day. And I mean, another thing, like the problem with the muggly people is they don't really take good photos.

Like the ones I took were pretty good. Like there was one where I've got Brett like sitting on the mountain and all the mountains and shit behind him. And I've not put him banging him like, Brett, turn around. I've like caught him in the corner and got most of them out. And I've not put them back in and went like, Brett, turn around. I've like caught them in the corner and got most of them out. And I was like, fucking yeah, that's pretty decent. And there's one of us playing pit-putt where everyone's like laughing

and the sun's just about behind the mountain. And I was like, fucking yeah, that's pretty cool. Yeah, okay. So I'll let those folks in because I'm guilty of the other ones. I'm that. See, with my phone camera, I'm the one that goes,

everyone turn around! As much as I've just given that speech on how much I love disposable camera I think it's because I'm not given the option on disposable camera yeah yeah like I just have to yeah where is it yeah because I do that thing all my all my photos on my phone are selfies like me places me with friends like we're having a fun night out why am I why am I capturing that moment I feel really self-conscious really self conscious doing this I don't like doing them because I'm worried about the stigma attached and I know everybody does it and there's no real stigma there

it's all in my head so I've got a couple of selfies and I was like man I must have been pissed to have done that because I don't do them is it just you doing nothing selfies no it's a well yeah there's a couple of us all just like sitting having a drink

so it's not well yeah it's there's a couple of us all just like sitting having a drink oh it's not just like me like me like hey that'll be good for later i've realized with this one i've totally completely and utterly i've put myself in the corner yeah because i'm but i'm acknowledging it we're acknowledging that just doing whenever i'm like on holiday I think the point I think the core of your thing what you were saying was right like if it's just

the Leaning Tower or if it's somebody touching the top of the Eiffel Tower look how tall I am you know fuck

a thousand people have done that the other ones that people haven't been called on yet I feel right because the

Leaning Tower pizza ones obviously holding up the Eiffel Tower obvious one people that't been called on yet I feel right because the Leon Tower pizza ones are the obvious ones holding up the Eiffel Tower obvious one people that have been getting way

people that go to the fucking salt flats or to the desert and three of them stand really far away and one of them stands close and either pretends

to like pick them up or hold them in their hand perspective is like that's what they did for movies in the 50s that's what they did for Godzilla then people are like that's amazing no it's not in the 50s that's what they did for Godzilla then

people were like that's amazing no it's not it's like one of the oldest fucking things people never give those people shit I'm doing it now

if you're one of those fuckers or if you're one of those people that all jump at the same time for a photo why? nobody jumps

yeah this is me and my friends when we were all in the dinner jumping for joy it's the only time you've jumped was there

then again I do the same fucking thing I've got the Danny selfie face which is just me with my mouth open that's when everyone

makes fun of me because I look like Beaker and this is the worst thing and someone made that joke I think it was me

that made the joke originally and then all my friends found I think it was at least 10 photos of Beaker and then 10 photos

of me and they crossed over far Beaker and then 10 photos of me and they crossed over far too well like there's generally one of me on stage doing a TED talk when there's light

behind me I've got my hands out and just making and there's one of Beaker doing the exact same thing the only difference is he's not doing a fucking TED talk

there's one where I couldn't there's one where it was like a girl was kissing Beaker on the cheek someone found a bullet of a girl

kissing my cheek and it's same facial expression biggie dead eyes wide open grin shit hair man's hand up my arsehole

right let's do your last one and then I'll do a pause because I would like a joint break and also I need to change the batteries

muggles still use text to speak oh so when they're texting you they'll say like

even just shortening the words is very annoying but like when they use the old acronyms like BRB yeah BRB WUBU2

yeah WBU2 what have you been up to WUBU2 ASL yeah that was Wubu 2. Yeah. W-B-U 2. What have you been up to? Wubu 2. ASL. Yeah. There was every, I believe, every single person from the 90s.

That was your first ever version of flirting ever. Ever. No matter what gender you are. First of all, flirting was you on MSNN Messenger it was like hey hey we go to NFM USN KL that's it

I had that conversation 50 times with different women it was mental as well like I spoke to Laura Young last night what did you talk about

well she's not up to much but neither was I so we've got that in common. So it was all cool. But, like, if you saw somebody... Shout out to Laurie Young there,

my childhood crush. Yeah. If you saw somebody, you'd be like, oh, I'll chat to you on MSN later. It could be like 20 minutes and then you'd be on MSN

and you'd just go, hey, how are you? You've just seen them. You've just seen them. It's just, that's how you... MSN was great though. It was really good it's just that's how MSM is great though

it was really good oh that's how you knew people were in relationships because like in your little your little sub what's the word sub headline

yeah you could have like a little you could have your name with all the remote cons and also if you found remote this was remote cons weren't

readily available on the keyboards you had to go online and find them people could make weird faces and stuff but your tagline was always there was always

a Panic at the Disco quote mine was Maroon 5 yeah Maroon 5 and then what's a band you like and then some fucking thing that Buddha said that you a 15 year old

white kid relates to Buddha gets me he just asking a girl if she would go on webcam because you saw a little webcam logo and then it disappears

as she unplugged it going it's broken oh god MSA yeah when the ultimate sign of desperation back then

was the the nudge oh yeah the conversation shake the conversation bell what is it

I'll talk to you in a minute oh god yeah I do miss MSN I have entire relationships with girls

who I never spoke to in the playground never spoke to and I'm not saying playground I'm not talking I'm like 9, 10

I'm 14, 15 yeah yeah right pretty much an adult I'm a young adult and I had at least two relationships with people who only spoke to them online i uh i was talking to my friends about this today actually which is where i didn't even think um about and they told me a great story hold on

let me see if i can find it they um they were right hold on i've got it here in front of me so we were talking about MSN and like the the webcam stuff and uh one of them was like hey remember when you were chatting to a girl and you got her to get her on her bra but she forgot she was on webcam with me as well I was like I was like so I like I wingman's a peach but then one of them told me I'm gonna have to censor so many names so my mate Cammy was like me and Brucey had a girl with webcam on her and her friend were steaming she was actually stripping and dancing for us they went to get toast and Ryan's fucking internet cut out for the entire night and the best part of it is

apparently when before they went to get toasted the girl said you'll see more once I finish this toast. The sexiest sentence there's ever been. The second time for this toast. Webcam was always such a weird thing because I used to sometimes with girls but this was even before the idea the idea of doing anything on it ever occurred to it was just you'd watch someone

else have conversations with other people but you weren't the only MSN conversation they were having he'd be there going

I wonder who she's talking to I'll ask her who you talk to but just get back to the but yeah so using it

still like using it in a text when you're still using that language yeah like I feel like anyone uses LMA or ROFL now we've got more accounts But just get back to the... But yeah, so using it still, like using it in a text when you're still... Using that language, yeah. Like, I feel like anyone who uses LMA or ROFL now... We've got motocons.

And I'm fully aware that in two, three years' time, we'll look back and a motocon will be a new fucking thing. Yeah. They'll seem old, but ROFL, lol. And even just like wood, W-U-D. Yeah, you can spell... Just spell wood. Yeah, you've got the thing there.

Like, it's not quicker. It corrects it for you. Yeah, it's not quicker anymore. It's slower now. Yeah, you've got the thing there. It corrects it for you. It's not quicker anymore. It's slower now. Yeah, you're putting particular effort into being fucking illiterate nowadays. Or you're so dumb that you've overridden your iPhone's ability to correct you anymore. Like it's just like, I don't know. I don't know what you mean.

Just go. Have free reign. Mash whatever fucking things you want to you fucking twelve thumbed bastards what does any of this mean like it's not yeah

go do your own thing I'm so bored god I miss Steven oh right let's pause there because we're almost out of battery I think we've only got time

for one more game but that's absolutely fine right smoke a joint see you in a sec bye love you right we are back we'll just go straight to do your dad

jokes as our final game you've played this before you've played the live version the only ever live version we did out in Altitude which was absolutely belter I may add for those of you that didn't go to Altitude in the last gig

we encountered a spot where we told stories for like 10 minutes. But then we had yourself, Nick Cody, Ed Hedges and Barry Castanola

up doing Six Man, Your Dad Jokes and it was, there was some belters that I've, two of mine from there

into this because I'm so proud of them. Yeah, I've got a couple from there, yeah. So, you've got a couple from there, yeah. So you know how the game works. You're the guest. I'll let you go first. Okay.

Your dad doesn't use a bag to pick up dog shit. Because he's trying to save the planet. Just uses his teeth. He takes his shoe off and gets it with his sock. Just kind of pinches it between his toes. He just kicks it into the sea your dad's mouth has a five star rating

on Deliveroo your dad has a personalised licence plate on his remote control car oh yeah he painted it himself there's no place that does that

it's his killer but it's with a E yeah that's with a 3 sorry it's with a B your dad was the flower girl at his own wedding

and a bloody beautiful one at that a beautiful it was the costume change that fucked your mum off one of the first reasons for the divorce she said

your dad goes to McDonald's orders a burger and asks them to hold the bun meat and cheese just put some lettuce in my hand

wrapped up pickle your dad's bulimic your dad attaches his socks to his trouser leg like little mittens. In case he loses them. Your dad is a strong, independent woman who don't need no man. Power to him. Your dad gets up early on holiday to put his beach towel out,

but puts it really far away from the pool One of the ones that's never taken Yeah, in the shade Your dad goes down on your mum and blows her fanny like a SNES cartridge It's not working Get all the dust out Your dad gets embarrassed

if he's watching a movie with your mum and a sex scene comes on he has to hold his hands I'm not looking your dad is the teacher's pet

still to this day he's not been to school in 35 years but still gives her an apple every day

hand up for every question snitches on kids in the playground. He's just there in the playground going, Jimmy pushed over Susan. Roger, should you be at work? I'm looking after Susan.

She's my bae. If your dad spills ketchup, he has to throw some over his shoulder. Just superstitious. I once saw your dad At a Pilates class for dogs And he hadn't brought a dog He was wearing a collar though He's the teacher's pet of course

Your dad won't eat ice cream After what Richard Hammond said Your dad won't eat ice cream after what Richard Hammond said Your dad drunk sex me every Tuesday at 4pm Happy hour? Oh, like clockwork I don't know what he's doing I never know where he is He never tells me

Roger, shouldn't you be at work? Your dad likes bacon and sausage But not pigs in blankets It's unnatural. Oh, well I kind of agree with that. I don't like pigs in blankets. What?! Yeah, I don't know. It's totally weird. I like sausages, I like bacon but when you combine them... Well he's passed it on.

Yeah, he traumatised me to them. Your dad has drawn lips. But he still does a wound mascara. If he's in quest, he'll get a fire. He's going through a cough phase. Your dad gets red wine lips drinking Ribena. Bloody loves it. Your dad tried to sue me when I killed his character on RuneScape lovely

that brings us to the end of the podcast which I'll let's try and upload this now just for a go again sorry

for the delay in this I've just come up with a what a go your dad goes into pubs and goes can I get a coke and with a, what a go. Your dad goes into pubs and goes,

can I get a Coke? And they go, is Pepsi okay? And he goes, no. Your dad's going through a goth phase. But he keeps telling me

it's not a phase. It's who I am. Yeah, sorry for the delay. Hopefully, over the next couple of weeks, it'll be a bit better. Me and Kyra are going to work on

getting another one of these so we can do one separately with guests so we can have more guests on when we're separated but still give you two a week so we'll be more consistent now Kai will also be back on the next one I think because well who gives a fuck you'll see

but thank you to Gareth for coming on the podcast if you enjoyed Gareth please do let him know. Also, if you enjoyed this episode without Kai, please do feel free to tell me that because it will give me the confidence to go into the other ones in the future where inevitably Kai won't be there for some.

Finally drop that dead weight on Geordie. Take this thing to the TV because it's him that's the only reason we're not on TV. Don't look at the camera. Well, look, one eye's always going to be watching the camera but if you didn't enjoy

the lack of Kai don't tell him doesn't need to know he's arrogant enough as he is nobody needs a smug muggins fucking walking around

smugging smugging McGee but yeah have a good life fuck you bye bye Gary bye