Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.30 Cream and Kissy Two Lips
Episode Date: March 26, 2018Sloss without Humphries joined by a blast from the podcast past Andrew "Kissy Two-Lips" Stanley who you may remember as Kai's stand in co-host from 2017's Australia tour. They're in Australia now and ...in true Sloss form, recording from the bottom of an empty well.Â
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Sloss and Humphreys on the road!
Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream.
That's our intro.
Fuckin' muggles!
Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh.
Woohoo!
Ha ha ha!
They said it can't be done!
Are we in the same seats?
That's hack.
Aww, muggles.
Accidental rim job in the park.
Kiss, kiss, kiss.
Or a magic bean cynical.
Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia.
Where have you been since 9-11?
Good morning, fuckers.
It's me, Crane, back with the Slauson Humphreys podcast
on the road with no Humphreys, as you guessed it,
because we're still not even in the same fucking hemisphere.
But I do have, it's only him, it's Mr. Kissy Tulips.
Hello.
It's been a while since you've been on the podcast.
Yeah, maybe August
July maybe
yeah
and I've not listened
to the last one
Elliot and Kai did
but apparently
they marked you on it
so
yeah
I don't know on what
I'm going to assume
it was valid
oh yeah probably
yeah I haven't listened
to it
I'm going to go
yeah okay
just do it
just do it
when you're in the gym
just get a fucking
rage on
yeah just be like
where do you want to pump
these muscles
put the thing up
to 18 kilometers an hour
this is the fastest
I've ever run
I always feel like
if I ever want to go
like you know
you can listen to like
fucking rap music
pump some people up
in the gym
some people it's fucking hard rock
I just feel like
if I listen to Elliot Steele
being an idiot
I'll break all my
personal best
yeah that's why I
said that again as much as I'm like oh
you got Murtha I'm like yeah but by
Elliot you know it's like you came first
in the children's race yeah yeah yeah
it's egg and spoon but you don't have to
carry an egg just a spoon yeah we had to
do we never did the egg and spoon races
at school ours was always with a fucking
potato potato yeah.
I didn't know if that was an Irish thing or not.
I mean, it does sound like.
It sounds so Irish.
To any of the international podcast listeners, which we have a surprising amount of,
that just sounds like a stereotype that they're not going to believe is true. Whatever is it, yeah.
It's like we went, we had so few of them in the family.
Now we've loads.
Let's race with them
look guys
we've got an abundance
now
just in memory
why can't we use
a football on the pitch
we've got a big potato
it's like Abu Dhabi
having a water park
did you ever
did you ever
have like
people cheating
in the
oh when they put
their fucking thumb
on top
I think kids
just put like
blue tack on it
and stuff
I'm like how badly
do you want to win
this potato and spoon race
like are you now
playing for the
Australian cricket team
topical
I don't know the
controversy
oh my god
you're in Australia
you need to know this
because
but I've always just
felt like cricket
I've tried to get into
I've watched matches
I've
look I get
I respect
I respect five days
of drinking
right that is I've got no problem with that like as a fat matches of... I respect five days of drinking, right?
I've got no problem with that.
As a fan, I would never
be like muggles or cricket
fans because I know people who are just...
It's just a sport I don't do.
It's that way that you're like, yeah, I actually really want to protect the five-day series
tests, but for drinking, not for the sport.
Not for the sport at all.
What do you think of the T20? Way too short.
That's like a lunchtime session.
If you can have a meal, and if that's not enough. Not for the sport. Not for the sport at all. What do you think of the T20? Way too short. That's like a lunchtime session. Yes.
If you can have a meal in it, that's not enough.
Yes, because I can't day drink and then go on the rest of my day.
You have to do it for five days.
Yes, there's nothing sadder than like... You should join the Barbie Army.
You should follow the English Cricket Team around, but only for five days.
Yes, I've never done the two-ball.
I always feel like there's those people that when you go day drinking, you know that thing
where they're like, should we get a bottle of wine?
Oh, you know, we will get a bottle of wine.
And then at the end of it, you're half cut.
And then the other person's like, right, I've got stuff to do.
And it's like, what are you doing?
That happened to me the other day.
Somebody said, oh, do you want to get like a pint of Guinness?
Because I was in Auckland.
So a couple of friends of mine that I didn't even know were in town were there.
They're like, do you want to get a couple of lunchtime pints of Guinness?
I was like, yeah.
I went and had three pints of Guinness. They lunchtime points of Guinness? I was like, yeah. I went and had three points of Guinness.
They had a glass of Guinness.
Then they had one pint
and then switched back to a glass
and then went,
I've got to pick up the kids.
I was like,
what am I doing?
Now I'm just sad.
I'm like,
I'm a dick.
No five hours.
I can't go to sleep.
Now I'm just a sad man
during the day.
And they left
before I finished my last one
so I was just
on my own
an Irish man
in an Irish bar
having a Guinness
halfway through the day
and then just running
around with a pate
on the spoon
and be like
just like in the good old days
I remember I was a kid
so the Australian
cricket team
the Australian cricket team
they got
so they were getting
beaten
so they're all
over the base moment
right
a few of
them fought
in a tunnel
at a game
three weeks
ago.
It was all
caught on
camera.
The vice
captain and
captain had
to be
separated.
A physical
fight.
A physical
fight,
yeah.
Crazy.
It's always
over arm
punches.
They run
from 50
meters away.
I'm going
to punch
you.
He's in
with the
approach.
I don't
worry about
running.
He's in with the approach. He's doing the abro thing.
He's gone round the side.
Oh, it's a curveball.
It's right at the last minute.
He's going with the googly.
Curveball's close enough.
Wait, did you just call that
a googly?
Googly, yeah.
That's not the name
of a thing.
It is.
It's it?
Oh my God,
you should watch cricket.
You'd love it.
Punches for the silly names.
The more I talk about it,
yeah, the Duckworth Lewis method.
Duckworth Lewis sounds like a fucking
villain
so Duckworth Lewis
is when a team
sets a score
and then rain
causes delay of play
so they have to reduce
the amount of time
they play
so then the score
they've set
is reduced to an actual
target that they can
maintain
so it's like yeah
ratio
it makes sense
but it's mental
like imagine playing
a game of soccer
and it's 5-0 at halftime
and then it's rain they go it's only. Like imagine playing a game of soccer. And it starts raining. And it's 5.30 at halftime.
And it starts raining. And they go, it's only 2.00 now.
And you're like, I got a hat trick.
It's my first ever hat trick.
That's weird, right?
But anyway, so then they're playing South Africa at the moment.
I think it was South Africa.
Yeah, they said Africa.
And they're being beaten.
They're being destroyed.
And so on the third, I think it was the third day of a five-day series,
one of the players in his pocket had a piece of sandpaper.
So he takes it out, hands it to the bowler.
The bowler scratches the ball down so they can put a divot in it so they can try to land on that divot to make the ball move more.
Then they hand it back to the first guy and he takes it out of his pocket and puts it down his boxer shorts because the umpire's asked to speak to him.
And then he comes over and he's like,
no, no, no, that's my sunglasses case.
But he forgets that it's 2018 and there's a million cameras on him.
So now there's a slow motion of him
taking sand,
and you can see the sandpaper,
and putting it in his pocket.
And then...
Did he go for the Trump defense
and just be like, it's all fake,
it's all bullshit?
The whole time, right?
Really?
The coach is in the stands
on a walkie-talkie.
Go on,
I think they can see you.
And you're like,
they can see you as well
and they can hear you.
You're like,
it's amazing.
And then the captain came out
and it turns out
everybody was involved.
The whole team knew.
The captain came out and went,
yes, it is bad that we cheated
but you know what?
This won't happen again
while I'm captain.
I was like,
why are you still captain?
What are you talking about?
So he got removed.
Him and the vice captain got removed.
But they're still on the team.
They're still on the team.
And let me tell you,
the thing about cricket is cricket fans
do not let anything go.
So a thing happened 28 years ago,
I think it was,
against New Zealand, I think,
where there was one ball left in the game.
And Australia, that's amazing, right?
So basically, when you're throwing a ball,
you have the risk of them scoring runs.
Or if you throw a wide, there'll be another ball.
They'll get automatic runs.
So the Australian bowler went up
and rolled the ball along the ground.
Just long enough to get to the wickets.
Are you allowed to do that?
It's allowed.
It's 100% round-a-bond because you're a dickhead.
I'll bet thathead which is amazing
of course
I love that
sort of thing
it's important
see in football
see with the
referees
like okay
just do an
honourable thing
where it's a foul
just pass it back
to the goalkeeper
see if you run
and score that goal
you were my
favourite player
of all time
like fuck you
I don't care
you just won
the FA Cup
well done
I hope it doesn't
rain though
because they'll take
that ball
and just kick it
all up you
so anyway
so basically
that's what's
happening at the
moment
and it's in the
middle of the
series
they're still
playing the series
they're still
playing the rest
of the game
it's just such a
dog thing
to just
sand a fucking
ball
well there's loads
of ways of doing it
so you always see
that's why they always
try
you'll see when
they're holding
the cricket ball
they're trying to
compress it in
with their hands they're trying everything to just kind they hold the cricket ball they'll try and like compress it in with their hands
they're trying everything
to just kind of
make the ball
a little malleable
yeah yeah
cricket ball is like
rock hard
you know what I mean
so it's kind of
to sand it down
it's just so
but it's just so blatant
like it's so blatant
in a time of like
when you've
washed yourself
on countless
fucking replays
you're in a stadium
full of people
you're like,
I am so subtle.
In fairness,
the bowler,
you don't see him
do anything.
Yeah.
You just see him
moving and stuff.
You don't see him
like properly scraping it.
Oh,
so he was...
He nails it.
This guy should get an Oscar.
Okay.
Like,
Weinstein's going to be
in touch with him
because he's got his character.
Yeah,
and he's great
at covering things up.
He's like,
he'll spot on. So, yeah, so that's what's happening in the Australian him because he's got his character. Yeah, and he's great at covering things up. He's real spot on.
So, yeah, that's what's happening in the Australian cricket.
It's amazing.
But this will last.
It'll be 50 years.
Like, they'll be getting sledged by everybody.
And the worst thing that could happen now is if they win the game.
Because then they've won it on a cheating thing.
So is there, like, an investigation into this?
No, there's no investigation because it's filmed and shown.
Yeah,
that's what I'm saying.
That's why,
because I don't follow cricket at all in any way
but I follow people
who,
on Twitter,
who enjoy cricket
and just all of them
have just been like,
this investigation
is going to be interesting.
I'm like,
why is,
why is there an investigation?
There's no investigation at all.
It's just,
they're just going to get
fined massively.
Yeah.
And they've admitted it.
And even if they didn't,
I like it,
they're like,
look,
we hold our hands up.
You have to!
You were holding your hand up
when somebody ran in.
Yeah.
It's like,
we're going to do
the honourable thing
and admit.
It would be like
OJ Simpson coming out now
and just being like,
all right.
Which he kind of did.
See that interview
that came out
about three weeks ago?
The one where he was like,
look, I didn't do it,
but if I were to do it,
this is where I bury the body.
And then he got so into it then,
he would then kept going,
so I killed her,
right?
And then I buried her,
brought her here.
And I was like,
you're not saying hypothetical anymore.
Like,
now you're just saying it.
But of course,
in the States,
they only have a,
I don't know what it's called,
but it's only a one chance conviction.
So because he's gone to trial for it, he could hold up her body right now.
Yeah.
And they'd be like, he was found innocent.
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
They can't go back again.
They can't go back.
Because if they do then, it's like, there's a word for it.
I don't know what the word is.
But it's like in Australia, there's this, if new evidence is found in Australia, for
example, you can go to the case again.
You can bring it up.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
In the United States. I mean, to the seven American podcast listeners we have.
That's the place to go.
It really is.
And it's so easy, which is why, I mean, you know,
this is something I've tried to talk to Americans about all the time.
Not suggesting,
I'm fucking up to listen to the podcast,
why am I adding it?
Like, oh, am I getting trouble for this?
I don't understand how Donald Trump hasn't been shot yet.
Yeah.
I'm not saying he should.
Right?
But I don't understand.
The security must be...
Who would shoot him?
It's true.
The left.
It would be someone from the left and they hate guns.
So it would be...
I think every president before Donald Trump, right, It would be someone from the left and they hate God. So it would be the left person being very hypocritical.
So I think every president before Donald Trump, right, had an actual risk of being shot for political reasons.
Oh, Barack Obama, first black president.
First black president.
Racist.
I mean from other countries.
You know what I mean?
I mean from Russia would have a reason to take out the American president.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
North Korea, sorry, would have the reason to take out the American president.
Something like that.
What is Trump? Trump, they're going, he's fine. Yeah, yeah. Let's make sure he gets in president. Yeah, yeah. North Korea, sorry, would have the reason to take out the American president. Something like that. When Trump, they're going,
he's fine.
Let's make sure he gets in again.
Yeah.
Let's get it so he can do his return.
What you're saying is
there's probably actually
Russian bodyguards
surrounding the FBI.
That's why you have to be tough.
Yeah.
The Russian bodyguards
are also protecting
the bodyguards of Trump.
They don't even protect
Putin anymore.
Yeah.
King Jong-un has sent
his crack team over.
That's why his body bodyguards that are all
like shaved,
blonde-haired guys,
like small,
aged,
sucking guys.
There's no Americans
protecting him anymore.
It's a crack team
of every single
most amazing protector.
I was at the inauguration.
It was just FBI
and field agents
from every country
in the world.
I was the actual
only spectator there.
Everyone there.
Eric Lamper. Me and Eric only spectator there. Everyone there.
Me and Eric Lamper were there. Everyone else there was just making sure that me and Eric
didn't shoot Donald Trump.
These were like, we enjoy this.
That was one of the things
I did love about Trump's inauguration.
We went down there.
Genuinely.
We went down to talk to people.
I think it's stupid
to hate people
based on one thing
I disagree with these people
they voted in Trump
but to see if I can
try and get into their
that doesn't make a whole person
it is a genuine
don't judge a book
by its cover
but I'll tell you this
upon getting down there
don't judge a book
by its cover
but you can't judge
70% of the book
by the cover
I would come 92
there's a fair bunch
I was like
nailed that straight away
straight away you're an idiot but one of the guys who I loved I might have mentioned 92. Yeah. There's a fair bunch. I was like, nailed that straight away. Yeah, straight away,
you're an idiot.
But one of the guys
who I loved,
I might have mentioned this
on the podcast before,
was there was a black guy
selling Make America Great
at Ken Hanks.
And I was like,
bought a hat from him
because I was like,
genuinely,
can I just ask you a question?
I'm like,
do you support Donald Trump?
And he was like,
no,
I'm just here to make money
off of idiots.
Amazing.
I was like,
so good.
Amazing.
That is genuine capitalism. Yeah. That is what America's built on. He's like, yeah, fuck'm just here to make money off of idiots. Amazing. I was like, so good. That is genuine capitalism.
Yeah.
That is what America's built on.
He's like, yeah, fuck.
That is him living the dream and seeing an opportunity.
And he must have...
How many Hillary Clinton t-shirts did he have in the warehouse?
He's just there.
They're one of his kids' categories.
He's like, oh, my God.
How easy is it to change 2016 to 2020?
Yeah.
Well, can she run again?
Yeah.
You can run more than once. Oh, can you? Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can definitely run more than once. Like, it's just when you've been Yeah. Well, can she run again? Yeah, you can run more than once.
Oh, can you?
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can definitely run more than once.
Like, it's just when you've been a president,
you can't run again.
You can run for two turns, but you can't.
So I wonder, actually, you know what?
I don't know if...
Oh, I wonder if, like, Trump gets beaten.
Let's say Trump gets beaten in the next one.
Aye.
I don't think he can run again.
I don't think he can either.
I don't know.
I don't know that.
Yeah.
Hey, Americans, let us know.
Yeah, let us know on the...
Educate us on your political system.
That's flawless.
Speaking of politics,
I was a fucking idiot the other day.
I'll tell you this.
So I was in Canberra.
Thank you to everyone.
Oh, also, yeah,
thank you to everyone
who came to my shows in Brisbane
and Canberra
and thank you to the first five shows
of Adelaide and the Sunday crowd.
You can honestly go fuck yourself.
Weirdest gig I've had in my life.
Really?
Man, I've heard for years and years how difficult Adelaide can be.
And I was like...
Oh, I know.
Yeah.
Turn up there, and the first five shows are great.
I'm like, I don't know what people are talking about.
This crowd is great.
I don't sell as much as I do in other places in Australia,
but there's a lot going on.
That's the second biggest fringe in the world, as they keep telling us. And as I do in other places in Australia, but there's a lot going on. Well, it's the second biggest fringe in the world,
as they keep telling us.
And as I keep having to explain to people,
Edinburgh's so much bigger,
if you haven't been to the Edinburgh Fringe,
that it's like going,
well, New York's the biggest city in the world.
Well, the second biggest, Wellington.
So that's the second biggest.
That is the difference in size between these two places.
Yeah, it's...
On this Sunday,
and this, I cannot stress, like, it's, on the Sunday, and this,
I cannot,
like,
it was one of the most,
it was a very humbling experience and I like this in comedy,
like,
whenever you get too big
for your boots,
it's as if,
and the universe doesn't know
I'm not a hippie,
but it's almost as if it's like,
you need your ass kicked.
Yeah,
let's bring you down
nine pegs.
Yeah,
yeah,
yeah.
So I've just had a great
three weeks of fucking gigs.
It's held everywhere.
Sunday,
I get there,
backstage, 60 people in the audience, right that everywhere. Sunday, I get there.
Backstage, 60 people in the audience, right?
60.
60.
How many do you remember?
You had founders, right?
Yeah, so about 100.
Right, okay.
But last Sunday, the thing.
Of course.
It was a very playable audience.
I was happy everyone there.
Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Mr. Daniel Sloss.
Three people clapped.
What?
Right?
And I've got like big fucking rap music picking me up
that I talk over the top of.
Three people.
Slow clapping as well?
Yeah.
Like, none of them
not even
at a
for the first part
They didn't have
the leadership scope.
Credit Kai
Kai O'Brie's
and Tom Hotton.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gotta pay credit
where credit is due. That is, that joke belongs to both Tom Horton. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gotta pay credit where credit is due.
That joke belongs to both Tom Horton and Kyle.
I think it was Tom's first.
Was it Tom's first?
And then he had the leadership skills
and Kyle followed him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I thought it was a prank for the first 10 minutes.
Like, honestly, I was like, there's...
Like that old stock line.
Like, you know,
it's like you all had a meeting beforehand.
It was like they'd all had a meeting before because in those things like i've done it too
many times where i've gone into the audience and i think there's some communities that are very good
at going yourself and john hastings for example going in getting the audience inside yeah when
i get aggressive with the audience doesn't come across as nice i've got to like i can't so i'm
just like what do none of you know who I am?
And the thing is, all you're doing is your character
on stage. You know what I mean? Because that is your character
on stage, which is this... Big showy cunt.
Yeah, well, just very, like,
arrogant, I would say.
Confident to a fault,
you know what I mean? Yeah, hypocrite
and challenging. I'll challenge you on anything.
So, of course, if it seems like they're not playing
the game, because the audience have a job as well,
of course,
as much as they do pay to see us perform,
the audience have a job.
It's a deal.
It's a deal.
Yeah, you know what I mean?
It would be like me going to the cinema
and just watching the...
Bring your own crisps.
Yeah.
No, that's fine.
But just watching,
being like,
oh yeah,
I guess at no point
I'm paying upon coming to the cinema,
don't we agree?
You have to watch the movie. Yeah, yeah, exactly. no point on paying upon coming to the cinema do we agree you had to watch
the movie
but we just assumed
that like
coming to the cinema
you'd rather watch
a TV series
yeah that you would
watch
it was just
and look
they were under
no obligation
to the audience
so I'm just like
well anyway
apart from that
Anthony was great
yeah yeah
go through the rest
even when I came
off stage
my manager over here
she was like
I've never seen
anything like that
in my life
like she was just like I don't and that was the in my life. She was just like, I don't.
And that was the 18th, I remember, because it was the day after Paddy's Day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Paddy's Day was mental in Adelaide.
Yeah.
Of course, as it always is.
But yeah, so I've been, yeah, I guess you were in Perth very briefly.
Were you in Perth?
No, I go to Perth.
Oh, you were in Perth Comedy Festival.
Yeah, yeah.
So I go to Perth in a couple of weeks.
But when I was in Canberra, to get onto politics, I don't know were Yeah, yeah. So I got back in a couple of weeks. But when I was in Canberra, so to get onto politics,
I don't know.
Oh, yes.
So John Hastings.
You should describe Canberra to people who've never been.
Canberra is like,
it's such a weird city.
Yeah, it's the capital of Australia,
but it's like the most popular city.
But it's the capital of Australia
because they couldn't decide
between Sydney and Melbourne.
And so they just went somewhere,
not in the middle.
No, they built it.
It wasn't a place.
But you didn't know this.
No, I didn't know this.
That's why the government
is there.
So it was basically
going to be Sydney or Melbourne
and they were like,
well, you know what?
You're about to be
in set ball, boys.
Neither of you get it.
Yeah, we're going to build it
in the middle of nowhere.
And then they went,
let's go, you can't.
And so that's why
it's all government officials
who live there
from Monday to Friday
and then they all
walk off. And it's, look, it's a very nice, live there. Yeah. Monday, Friday, and then they all walk off.
And it's a very nice, I guess, a fucking hard time.
I think the crowds there are great.
Because they love it.
Because nobody fucking goes there.
They're just like, thank you.
It's the perfect mix.
The camera audience is a perfect mix of intelligent and desperate for you to be.
Yeah, they're like, you're a traveler on the road.
You're like, come in, we'll give you food.
Yeah, please, please.
We've got this.
Come and set the upside down. Yeah, tell us the tales you're a traveler on the road. You're like, come in, we'll give you food. Yeah, please, please. We've got this. Tell us about the outside world.
Yeah, tell us the tales.
It's just, yeah.
It brings news from afar.
Yeah.
You guys are the government, but still, like.
We are government.
Yeah.
Nobody really takes this seriously.
Cranberry and vapor.
What?
So we go there, right?
So John Hastings messaged me a bit.
I'm like, do you want to go to the government building?
And I was like,
no.
Number one
source of
detractor
in Canberra.
It is.
And John was like,
oh, come on.
I was like,
oh, fuck it.
So we go along
and they confiscated
my ball.
They gave me a
stress ball
at one of the
galleries.
Oh, we had that
last night, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
So I just had it
in my pocket, right?
It's very fun to
play with,
just fucking walk
down the street
like I'm a prisoner
just counting down the days
till I'm free again
just bouncing off a wall
they don't confiscate my vape
they don't confiscate my phone
it's just the ball
and I'm like
why have they confiscated my ball
and then there was an opportunity
where we were allowed
to sit in on the Senate
so we could
Senate was in session
and we were allowed
to sit in and watch it
and then Pauline Hanson
what mental things
would be allowed to happen
oh man so we could just say this
we go in there
and then Pauline Hanson walks out and I be allowed to happen oh man so we could just say this we go in there and then Pauline Hanson
walks out and I'm like
that's why I'm not
allowing my butt off
because the phone
that's dispensable
yeah yeah
your mind isn't involved
you're flinging out
Pauline Hanson
I'm not fucking
I'm not throwing my phone
at Pauline Hanson
because what will I film
at Wesley's
yeah yeah yeah
like unless it hits her
at the right angle
like the image
unless you're the best
director I've ever seen
unless you're Chris Rinaldin
yeah
and I throw it
and it just hits her spot on
but then I've got to
shout at her being like
can you upload that
to Twitter
yeah yeah
can you hand that back
can you hand that
take these handcuffs off me
I really need to log into my pocket
just put my thumb on it
yeah just put it
I can fingerprint access
so we're sitting in it
we're like
do you want to watch the Senate
I was like sure
now I don't understand
anything they're fucking talking about right we're sat there we're watching the Senate we're like John do you want to watch the Senate I was like sure now I don't understand anything they're fucking talking about
right
we're sat there
we're watching the Senate
but every time a new bill comes up
right
they get up
and they walk over
it's a musical chairs
right
so they're swapping over
I mean they're like
where the fuck are they moving all the time
and they're heckling each other
of course
like all the way through
like very you know
politics like shouting at each other
and laughing
and just calling each other names
and we're like,
this is kind of interesting.
And then another bill
comes up
and they all swap sides
and John goes,
oh, they're swapping sides.
They're voting.
They're voting.
Left for yes,
right for no.
I'm like,
there's no way
the basis of a government
is left side yes,
right side no.
Because surely,
I mean,
it isn't that you're sitting
with your party.
Exactly. But no, but some people in the party disagree. Apparently not, I mean, isn't it that you're sitting with your party? Exactly, but no, but some people
in the party disagree, so they, apparently
not, right? So me and John are laughing so hard
that they literally swap sides
for the fucking vote, like, well Bill's this,
oh the one on, oh, and they run over,
they fight for chairs, like,
it's really the funniest
thing ever. I don't think that happened to the UK in Ireland.
I've watched the doll
of the Irish government on TV.
Well, I've been bored.
Because I was making fun of the audience.
On stage that night, I was like,
you guys, it's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life,
you absolute idiots.
And they went, it's based on British government.
You brought government over here.
It definitely is.
But I don't think they do that.
I don't think they swap seats either.
I don't think they do that.
I think they just count the hands.
Because I think you get given your seat.
Yeah.
In Ireland, I think,
people can correct me if I'm wrong here,
but I think you sit in the same seat every time.
That's what you win.
You win your seat in the government.
Yeah, and that's your actual seat.
Yeah, that's why even when they're empty,
like a small bill is being passed or whatever,
if you oppose it or you're putting it forward,
you're still in that top right seat.
That's the seat you're always in.
You're always beside the same person.
No, no, no.
That's, I don't...
It's very simple.
Left side, yes.
And of course, they're going to think it's normal because you always think your own thing's
normal.
Yeah.
Until you leave the country.
Yeah.
Until there's a Canadian and a Scottish man in the audience going, what the fuck is this?
Yeah, yeah.
There's so many questions there.
And I mean, who else has ever gone to...
Yeah.
Oh, man.
Because it was one of the only like 30 days
of the year
that senate's
in session
right
so it's not
every day
so there's
sometimes
parliaments
and the
senate's
it's always
done there
so just
that day
was literally
the day
that me and
John were like
fuck it
yeah let's
absolutely go in
yeah
and you know
how in most
government buildings
like they go
this is the
prime minister
from this
this
here's the
little portraits
fucking hell
they got a lot
of photos
in Australia
because the
amount of
prime ministers they have oh yeah of course in Australia because the amount of prime ministers
they have
oh yeah of course
because they change
every two days
yeah and there was
that prime minister
and I had to ask
the question
I was like
you know Australia
has a prime minister
that just
swam into the sea
and never returned
oh my god
did you not know this
I did not know this
that's the most
Australian thing
I've ever heard
honestly right
why
no right
he just went out
for a dive and they've just...
So I'm like, where's the prime minister?
Which one of these prime ministers is...
He was like, well, that bill's a bit
controversial. I'll be back later.
Left side's no.
Right side's yes. What's the C?
That's where this phrase
get the C comes from.
Yeah.
He's really too hard-cannot, see.
He's like like I fucking will
I disagree
with this
Bill
his name was
Prime Minister
Littrell
honestly
so
that's amazing
how long ago
was that
oh in the
60s or 70s
oh no
it might have
been a bit
earlier
but basically
I asked the woman
I was like
which one of the
ones who was
drowning
he didn't drown
he just went missing
I'm like
if he goes missing
in the sea
he drowns
his castaway
yeah
he's not Tom Hanks
it might be
it might be
he might be
sitting on an island
somewhere
he's probably
going to stir that up
he's probably
going to stir that up
he's got his
coconut lemon
grapefruits
oh should we
have fish today
it's a yes
from everyone again
we're so hungry.
But even because he's an Australian Prime Minister
and he's the only man on the island,
somehow gay marriage still isn't legal.
It's still a huge debate.
None of the coconuts are allowed to fuck.
They can only fuck the bananas.
Sometimes people come on boats and he doesn't let them off.
Because he's found there.
Yeah, yeah.
Even though he wants to be saved,
he's still one of my boat people.
Come over and save me.
Even though he wants to be saved,
he knows he can't go back
to Australia on a boat.
Yeah, he's fucked.
He only likes his swimming back.
Yeah.
Honestly,
I think that's the funniest thing.
He just went out,
apparently went like,
he went out with his mask and stuff.
So he intended to come back,
apparently did it in the morning,
and just disappeared,
and he just,
they've never found his body,
I think they found his goggles,
that's it,
he just fucked off.
They found his goggles?
I think so.
So he's dead?
He's dead.
Yeah,
I mean,
he died then,
you know what I mean,
it's not like,
he was washed up somewhere
and he just made it back.
No,
no,
no,
no,
like they,
yeah,
he definitely,
they just haven't said that.
No.
That's a level of delusion.
That's very impressive.
I didn't...
Why isn't he technically still Prime Minister?
Everybody's just acting Prime Minister as well.
Yeah, yeah.
Because in Australia, he's never been voted out.
He's the longest-serving Prime Minister.
My Prime Minister.
I believe in him.
He's my Prime Minister.
Hashtag my Prime Minister.
Yeah, I wish... I just think that's just so... My Prime Minister. I believe in him. He's my Prime Minister. Hashtag my Prime Minister.
Yeah, I wish.
I just think that's just so... Because where is the security guard?
Donald Trump would not be allowed to just go swimming in the sea.
And if he was...
I don't think he could swim.
He can't walk upstairs.
Like, he's a slinky.
He can't walk upstairs.
He's a bizarre bag of flesh, isn't he?
Yeah. Like, it's a bizarreinky. He can't walk upstairs. He's a bizarre bag of flesh, isn't he? Yeah.
It's a bizarre shape.
Everything.
Not even like...
It's not just all together as one.
His fingers, his face.
Everything's a little melted.
I don't know how much of me is biased.
I'm obviously fucking left-wing and I don't agree with Trump and stuff.
But even then, there are photos of George Bush
who I didn't agree with.
I'm like,
George Bush looks nice
in that photo.
That's him holding a kid.
You can see why
he got voted into the...
Yeah.
You can see why
he still gets
a quarter of a million
to speak.
Yeah,
he's a bit affable.
Look,
disagree with what he did.
He was,
you know,
all that sort of stuff.
But he said
some stupid things
at points,
but he was affable.
And then after
Obama left
there was all
those amazing
photos of
all of his days
in office
and him doing
everything
and I thought
he was just
such a likeable
fucking person
I've still yet
to see it
and I've tried
like googling
pictures of Donald Trump
to just
to see if there's
anyone where he looks
where it's
not in the 80s
you know what I mean
when he looked
really good in the 80s
70s and 80s
as opposed to now
where it's just everyone is just even when he looked really good in the 80s 70s and 80s as opposed to now where it's just
everyone is just
even when he's smiling
he's got that
fucking jab of the heart
so much gel
yeah
so it's like
so I was in
Auckland last week
for the first time
in ages
Auckland which is
so I was in the room
where we birthed
Geisha Placing
right so let's
let's
explain this
have we explained
Geisha Placing
on the podcast
I don't think so I don't think so.
I don't think so.
So basically, myself, Pajama Man, Gareth Waugh,
another guy called Zach, he's an Australian guy,
who's in the game technically, but we never see him ever yet.
So we come up with this game called geisha placing,
where we would take a picture of a geisha
and have to place it on one of the other people.
They'd have to receive it from you and the other people they'd have to receive it from
you and willingly take it they have to willingly you can't just sneak it into their pockets yeah
they've got to take the picture from yes exactly so um so we had some back in the day where like
we would in the hotel we were staying in we would get the concierge to deliver a picture of a geisha
to somebody in an envelope um one of the pajama men.
I still don't know how he did this.
I thought about it the other day.
I think he must have,
so I walked into his room and there was a bowl of fruit
and I was like, oh, can I have the mandarin?
And he went, yeah.
And I opened the mandarin
and there was a rolled up geisha inside.
So I think he must have put one in every piece of fruit.
Yeah, yeah.
That's the only way.
Yeah, and then,
but then probably all the other bits of food.
He must have been going, man, he likes fruit.
Yeah.
He just wants to be with it.
So then you got involved maybe three years ago.
Three years ago when you told me about it.
At the end of the year, I think.
Yeah, yeah.
So I brought myself into the game by Geisha Plays and You.
My two finest moments.
I've got one fine moment with Geisha Plays I got.
This could be the best one.
Was for my Christmas, Gene bought me a Polaroid printer
so you can
connect your phone
wirelessly to this
printer and it
prints out a
Polaroid picture
of the one you've
just taken on your
phone and I had
this very stupid
game where I would
just hand people
the printer and
then leave the room
and then print out
something awful
in the hands.
I hand it to
Gareth, I go
downstairs, I print
out a picture of
a geisha and I
wait two minutes
for him to be
like, what's
going on?
And all I hear
is laughing, laughing, laughing, and then
you absolute cunt.
And so then that was the one, so using that one, he got me, or one of you got me at Christmas,
or at the anniversary, under a double game, in a joypad, and then...
On the bottom of the toilet seat seat so you lifted up the toilet seat
yeah I still
debate that one
you lifted it up
yeah
anyway
so then I took that one
and then
when you arrived
into Adelaide
I'm so angry
so I was in the middle
of a show
and I just brought
an act on
so I did a 15 minute
window
so I ran around
to meet you
at the Belgian
Beer Cafe
and I put my hand
in the back of your pocket
and you obviously thought I was giving you something lovely.
Yeah, yeah.
So you went, oh, thanks.
And then you took it out and fell on the ground crying like a little baby.
I was fucking furious because it was so simple.
Because my moment with Gareth was simple but clever.
You needed that.
This was just you in.
Here you go.
And I went, okay.
All right, I know what I want, Jones.
Like you needed that.
This was just you in.
Here you go.
And I went,
okay.
So then I got you back about two hours later
by folding it up
and putting it
in the top of your pipe.
Another very simple one.
Yeah.
Another simple one.
And then this one
fucks me off to no end.
We're out drinking.
It's like 3am
and you just stood
with your backpack on
and it's too tight
and you look like an idiot.
And I'm like,
sit down.
And you're like,
no,
I've got my backpack.
I'm like,
take it off.
I was like, I'm going to the toilet. I'm like, take your take no i was like i'll go to the toilet i'm like take your backpack off
if you're gonna go to the phone you kept calling me a nerd yeah because you look like a nerd yeah
and you go you take my bag then i was like fine and you went open it and i was like no no i said
i'm never taking that back oh that was it yeah and i was like and in my head i was like there's
no way it's in the bag because...
Because we'd lost it.
Because we'd, yeah,
we'd thrown the photo away
and there's no way,
and I open it up
and there's a picture of a fuck.
So I had,
I had rang ahead,
or I had texted ahead
one of the girls
who was the manager
of the bar we were going to
and gotten her to print out
a picture of a geisha
and place it in my bag.
Weird phone call to make,
by the way.
Why?
Shut up!
Don't ask questions.
I'll explain later. And she printed two. She printed one in my bag and one in my bag. Weird phone call to make, by the way. One shot. Don't ask questions. I'll explain later.
And she breathed in two.
She breathed in one
and put it in my bag
and put one in my pocket.
So it's two ready to go.
And so then as a result then,
Rich Hall was there.
He fell on the ground
again crying.
Yeah.
Amazing.
So Rich Hall asked us
to explain the game.
We explained the game to him
and he was like,
very, very interesting.
Cut to a fucking week later
in Canberra.
I'm on,
doing the gala.
Rich is on doing the gala. I come off stage, Rich Hall's there'm on, doing the gala, Rich is on doing the
gala, I come off stage, Rich Hall's there, and Rich, I forgot about this, Rich isn't
in the game, right?
And he goes...
Yeah, you have nothing to worry about, you're on different continent from every player.
It's absolutely fine, yeah, you were in New Zealand, I was safe, right, unless I randomly
bumped into the pyjama man, I was a safe little boy.
Yeah.
But Rich did it even better, because, you you know there's certain ways to play to me
there's simplicity
in my ego
and he goes
hey Dan
I was out smoking
outside
and there was a girl
who asked if I was
on the same bill as you
and she wanted me
to give you this
and then ready
gave me a bit of
fold up paper
with very feminine writing
and said
for Daniel Sloss
and I was like
I even gloated
about it
I was like
oh mate
you know
mate
I'm probably mad because I was like, oh, mate, you know. Mate, mate. You're clowning it.
You knew that whole time.
Mate, I basked.
I probably basked.
You knew that whole time.
Because I was like, look at the little right in there.
You're like, oh, it's probably a really hot girl.
He's like, oh, it's a hot girl.
Yeah, it is.
It's a hot fucking geisha.
I open it up.
Honestly, I could have punched the fucking cunt.
I didn't.
And then he said, in an amazing way, he went, there's a new player in the game.
So Ritz Hall is now another player in the game.
So the classic in Auckland, which is where I was on.
So at the same time, Barack Obama was there, really weirdly.
He was there for like four days doing a talk at something.
Wait, this time you were in Auckland?
Yeah, just three days ago.
Did you meet old Barry?
No, so wait, this, right?
So he was getting paid half a million dollars for his speech,
right?
The greenskeeper
from the course
he played was
in my show on
Saturday night.
He came to
both shows.
He was in the
first show and
he had such a
good time, he
came to the
second show and
I was like,
well now it's
weird.
But then he
tells us in the
second show that
he had met
Obama that day
and he had
pictures of him
playing the last
hole and
flying off in
his helicopter
and everything. I was like, playing the last hole, and like, flying off in his helicopter and everything.
I was like,
this is so weird.
It's so strange.
Oh yeah.
But I was in Oxford for the week,
and then the,
so Taylor,
I don't know if you've met Taylor,
she's a girl who works in the classic,
so she's producing shows
with Dan Willis over here.
So she tried to get the tech
to mess me up every day
when he was bringing me on.
So he kept bringing me on
to weird music.
Yeah.
But,
so they'd bring me on to weird music so they'd bring
me on to the
Wiggles and stuff
but I don't
know the Wiggles
so I'd just
be like
okay
the Wiggles
is like an
Australian
TV show for kids
yeah yeah
it's been on
for 30 years
it's mental
like that
and really weirdly
the female one
in it now
is married
to one of the
old Wiggles
they met on it and then they got married but she grew up watching him it's weird right And really weirdly, the female one in it now is married to one of the old wriggles. Okay.
They met on it and then they got married.
But she grew up watching him.
Oh, that's weird, right?
Yeah.
I mean, that's okay if that's her dream.
But if that was his dream, jail time, boy.
Wiggly, wiggly.
And so that's the only one that was kind of, that stood out in my mind.
Wiggly, wiggly sounds like the sort of throwaway line,
you know, in the 70s sitcoms,
where, like, it's just very, very sexy.
Sounds like something I have on Williams would have said.
Like in Mork and Mindy.
Or Cosby.
Oh, well, yeah, in a different way.
Wiggly Wiggly?
Wiggly Waggle?
And then on Saturday,
the only one that stood out in my mind
that was actually kind of weird
but I actually left the plate
where I was the Imperial March
so I was just standing there
and I was like
how we all doing?
so yeah, if you saw Obama
very different show this one
I'm denoting
but yeah, so anyway
I haven't been into Obama.
So, you know how I'm friends with Cal Payne?
Yes.
Your best friends.
Best friends.
Lovers.
Lovers.
Well, you know, sometimes.
Gentle.
Yeah, gentle lover.
Cal Payne, he wrote for Barack Obama.
It was a speech, right, for Barack Obama.
He wrote his dinner speech, right?
Yeah, yeah.
But worked with Obama for years.
I've heard from him.
He's just, like, Obama's just such a cool, genuinely nice dude.
Of course.
I did my favorite trick to Cal Penn.
I'll upload this onto Instagram.
I think it's already on there, but if you want to see the video.
My favorite trick to do is the dumbest thing in the world.
You convince someone you're doing a magic trick.
I spoke on the podcast last year with Katie Marks.
Okay.
I tell you I'm going to
make a penny disappear
in my hand
I put the penny in my hand
I put a napkin over it
I do a blah blah blah
I lift it up
and I'm just giving you
the middle finger
that's classic
it's a classic
I don't know why
you haven't gone to Vegas
with that
look you know
because it would be hard
to do it
and like turn it
into a network
I don't think it would be
just every
just build up
every other
no no only one reveal
59 minutes 59 minutes.
59 minutes build up.
Dubs.
Dubs, pennies, a car, a bowling ball.
How big do you think my hands are?
Pretty big.
Pretty big.
You're welcome.
And then right at the end, one finger.
And then you go, for a minute.
Or I saw a woman in half and she dies
and the reveal is
I didn't say that
because it's a given
yeah
no all the magic
all the magic
it's the same magic
it's several magic tricks
but every one
is just me giving you
the finger afterwards
me putting a rabbit
into a hat
bringing it out
it's just my middle finger
check out your pants
what's there
it's my finger
wiggly wiggly
I pull it out from behind your ear it's all the time I do it to babies It's just my middle finger. Check out your pants. What's there? It's my finger. Wiggly, wiggly.
I pull it out from behind your ear.
It's all the time.
I do it to babies.
I go, got your nose?
And then I just flip them off in the face.
Except without the nose part.
You just give babies the finger.
I just.
So I did it to Cal Penn.
And he loved it.
He lost his mind.
It made him laugh so very, very hard.
And he's promised me that he's going to do it to Obama and film it.
Amazing.
Well, realistically, the ultimate goal now is that Obama does it to someone.
To Trump.
I mean, that would be good.
To a baby.
Yeah, I guarantee you. If Obama did that to Trump, Trump would bring back the death penalty.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, say bring back.
It's there.
It's there.
Make sure he does it in a statement.
It'd be like
once Obama makes his money
you know what I mean
because then once he hits
a certain target
he doesn't have to make any more
then he should just start
doing it to babies
yeah
like when he hits
20 minutes
you know what I mean
so let's take it
let's take it
he was kind to babies
he's done so many photos
of him kissing babies
just to be good
in the public eye
you're good with babies
for years
and you give one baby
the finger
and you're an asshole.
Jesus.
Okay.
I'm going to go hard
and go home
just flipping off babies
doing a mug.
Fingering babies.
Yeah.
Not fingering.
I would not be okay
with them doing that.
Right.
Should we go on to
You can go first
for your moogly corners.
Okay.
All right.
I have two. Tell me, what do muggles do oh my god muggles get sunburned oh okay because because you should because you
shouldn't you shouldn't get you shouldn't we know how not to yeah right i've done so the last time i
got properly sunburned like before the one i'm going to say now was when
i was 16 in like on a family holiday in a water park in swan yeah and then you learn how painful
it is and you make sure that it never happens again yeah i got sunstroke and i had like blisters
on my shoulders it was meant it was really bad like really really bad and so then cut to now 21
years later you're a grown adult i know how to do it right so i've done
numerous holidays exactly well maybe well you know but i've done numerous holidays with numerous
people in various states of like what you're going to do you know i mean a couple of holidays
like lads holidays everything i've been to aust and New Zealand 15 times.
Never got burnt.
Never got burnt.
Second day this year, I got burnt.
So sun cream everywhere, but I had a t-shirt on.
So I put sun cream on while I was wearing the t-shirt.
Went to Cottesloe Beach in Perth.
Second day, maybe third day I was here.
Took my top off just for a bit of sun.
There's no joke.
I timed it.
Eight minutes. Yeah yeah it's just
doing something and then it's on my instagram feed from that day it is like tomato red just
totally the whole thing the whole thing burns a bit that you can't defend it because you're an
idiot but do you not do you not think like you and i are at a disadvantage because we are pasty
irish and scottish men like i got sunburned on my left arm the other day.
I got picked up by Demi Lardner
from the airport.
It was a bit sunny.
Not sunny.
A bit.
The sun was up there.
Rolled down the window.
Left arm out.
Seven minutes.
Seven minutes.
Why would I put
sun tan lotion on?
But that's the thing you see.
I think you're saying
we're at a disadvantage
because we're fair skin
or whatever,
but Australians just
put sun cream on all the time.
Do they?
Because they know. Do they? because they know
do they?
yeah
I've never seen them do it
because they do it
do they do it
do they?
I'm telling you
they're doing it right now
people listen to this
doing it
no doubt in my mind
it's night time
they do it before
they get into bed
they probably do it
in bed
their bed is like
the inside of like
a plastic bag
that holds margarine
it's just layers of oil
all the time
it's a weird image yeah and also I feel like people the inside of like a plastic bag that holds margarine. It's just layers of oil all the time.
It's a weird image.
And also,
every light bulb in Australia is a UV
light one as well.
Yeah, we're getting
burnt right now.
That's why they're
not on.
I just opened the
window.
I thought you were
really cheap.
I'll tell you what,
here's why I know
I'm an idiot, right?
You know there's
some stuff in the
world where you're
just like, me and Kai were talking about this a while there's some stuff in the world where you're just like,
me and Kai were talking about this a while ago,
some stuff, no matter how often you explain this thing to me,
I will never, ever understand how it works.
You will never be able to ever explain to me how telephones work, right?
I do not get how I say a word, that word becomes electricity,
flies down a wire at speed, and then turns into my voice again over there.
It doesn't matter
how long,
you can never explain
how that works to me,
ever.
I can explain it to you
right now.
Go.
Okay, you ready?
How does it become
electricity?
So you speak into the phone
and then...
And then you do
the flip through.
And then I flip my finger
at you.
That was a great reveal
for a podcast.
I think we could explain it.
Yeah, of course.
There's things that they,
telecoms and things like that
are things that you have to know the very basic of.
Otherwise, there's no point in trying to explain it to anybody.
You know what I mean?
And honestly,
telecoms is the only time I understand religious people
because I would much rather you just told me magic.
I'd be like, yeah, all right, great.
That's how they work.
Harry Potter.
Harry Potter on every phone.
So this is another one. Where's
sunlight, right? Sunlight, it comes fucking
all the way from the sun, which is, I don't know if you know this,
fucking miles away. Six miles away.
Oh, it's, yeah. Honestly.
You couldn't walk it.
Mainly because it's up.
Flat Earth.
I've noticed a lot more
flat Earthers than usual at the moment.
It's bizarre. in well because in Australia
the fucking flatest country
on the planet
I don't think it's
anyway
I think it's still
all around
no
but as in
online I've been noticing
a lot more
flat earthers
I don't know how many
of them are just being
trolls though
because in the same
one guy finished a video
the other day
and he explained it by
let me see
so he's talking about
how do floods happen if the Earth is round, right?
And he held up a lemon.
Oh, yeah, and he poured some water on it.
And then he held up a plate, and he poured the water on it, and it pulled up.
And then he poured the water up, and he went, challenge me.
And I was like, oh, my God.
I don't bother.
But it's that level of stupidity where you're just like, I can't.
I can't argue with this.
You're so
it's like arguing
with Elliot Steele
he didn't say challenge me
he said try me
oh
I love this
I want to like go
kick his head in
right
but right
give him the sun
right honestly
try putting the sun
into a fucking sat-nav
right
the sat-nav would be like
mate
no I did
I can get it on Google Maps
and Uber there
yeah
fill up on petrol
but not as long as you get there
because you know
how does the sunlight...
The sunlight's a fucking bitch, mate, right?
And I know this because
it can come all the way down...
What is your question here?
A million miles away
and it'll burn me, right?
Yeah.
But just one fucking window,
none.
Yeah.
Well, a little fucking pussy
can't burn me through a fucking window.
Yeah.
I don't...
How does that...
It goes all the way through space.
Millions and millions and millions...
It's not a laser. Yeah, but how does it... But goes all the way through space. Millions and millions and millions... It's not a laser.
Yeah, but how does it...
But it can still burn me.
It can still burn
my fucking skin.
Yeah, your teeth.
It's not that you're...
See, you're picturing
as a ray.
Yeah.
But it's not.
It's a heat.
So I'm just getting...
Maybe that's an easier
way of imagining it.
So like, why don't you
get burned standing
in front of an oven?
But sunburn's different
from actual burn, isn't it?
No, it's still burn. It's like, if you get a really bad burn, itburn's different from an actual burn, isn't it? No, it still burns.
Like if you get a really bad burn, it's like a first to be burnt, second to be burnt.
It's a burn.
Really?
It's not a flame burn.
Yeah.
But it's still burnt.
But it's just...
You're heating up.
Oh.
I thought it was like a...
So like you put a chicken in the oven.
Yeah.
That's where the skin goes crispy.
Yeah.
So it's essentially sunburned chicken.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, sure.
Thanks for...
Why do I feel like I'm the new Elliot Steele?
I feel like he's replaced me
on the podcast.
I think the problem is
you're imagining it as a rat.
Yeah, that's what it is.
Because that's a great way,
it's a good way of visualizing it.
But realistically,
it's a heat.
But again,
how does it,
why does the heat change
to a fucking,
so if I put an oven
outside that window,
you're saying it's not
going to burn me through.
I guess it's got a window
in the oven,
that's a good point actually.
Exactly, that is my point. The oven door is a window. So imagine it's not going to burn me through I guess it's got a window in the oven that's a good point actually exactly that's my point
the oven door is a window
so imagine it like that
imagine the oven's the sun
why doesn't that burn you
if you put your hand
right in front of the oven door
but then if you open
the oven door
put your hand in front of it
it would heat your arm up
alright
I've literally explained
it to you very easily
I guess I get it
magic
I get it
so muggles get somewhere
yeah I do think I don't know if muggles get sunburned
yeah I do think
I don't know
if muggles get sunburned
yeah
because it's preventative
it is preventative
and I
there's no reason
to get sunburned
I will say
I will
I love it
because
whenever I get sunburned
I feel like a muggle
I'm a fucking moron
like yeah
I just
I forgot
the sun
yeah you have to go
I'm an idiot
yeah
yeah there's no other way
alright
alright we'll put it in.
And I think that's a very light one.
I think we can all agree that we feel like a fucking muggle
whenever we get sunburned.
And you never want to do it.
Right.
Muggles criticize other people's music tastes.
Totally.
I am not that massively into music,
which is a concept that upsets so many people.
It's bizarre. It is a bizarre thing to comprehend, especially for me because I'm into all music.
Yeah, yeah. I've just, music has never spoken to me.
I would disagree with you saying that because you love Eminem.
Aye, but the other example is like, I like listening to Eminem, but if I could go the
rest of my life and never hear music and it would not change me in any single way.
Now, I understand that's different
from other people's things,
but just,
so my music takes forever.
I love Imagine Dragons,
and I'm getting fucking ripped on all the time.
I'm like,
why do you give a shit
what is in my ears?
Yeah, yeah.
Like, if I'm at a party,
I'll never offer to be the DJ,
just because I,
and not because I don't love it.
Whereas I love it.
I don't, I would love to be the DJ, because I want to because I don't know I Don't I would love to be the DJ cuz I want to put the music the booze feeling
Imagine dragons. See you listen to the president. It's very it's a very risky move being the DJ
Yeah, well, it's for me. I just get fucking my pretty for anybody. Yeah, cuz you're really going what's this?
Yeah, this is my really own. I know what you all want
Yeah, but it's also good, but you also the risk like, this is, I won't let people listen to my playlist
because I listen to Spotify
daily discover
and I'll just save things
that I like.
Look,
I've got a type.
It's just fucking
white men acoustically singing.
I'm massively into it.
Oh my God.
It's my man.
Honestly,
if you look at my thing,
Vance Joyce has got a song,
right?
I don't know who the fuck he is.
Vance Joyce, yeah?
Yeah,
fucking love him.
He's got,
I can tell from your face.
You should listen to Cigarette.
You should enjoy Cigarette.
Yeah, but I've never understood music,
and I will admit that's my problem,
but it's so hard to get into music now
because whenever I'm like,
I like this song,
people go,
that's shit.
I'm like, all right,
I just want to enjoy the thing I like then.
I'll listen to your...
I'm not a depressed person, right?
I don't have anxiety and stuff.
I understand music can speak to people.
So if you're somebody who on,
you know,
inside you suffer from,
you know,
you're going through a heartbreak or you've lost someone that you love,
there are any of these number of things and you find a band that speaks to you.
I would never,
that's what you listen to because it makes you happy.
It talks to you.
Grant,
fucking have that.
You're not unique by the way.
It was a multi-planned,
I'm selling album
and you're singing
in a stadium
of 40,000 people
you're the opposite
of a snowflake
you're the most
and I'm a muggle
for saying that
so I'm absolutely
in the corner
it's like when
anybody goes
through a breakup
or whatever
because it's like
you listen to it
and everything
speaks to you
and you go
oh that's exactly
like it was mine
that's why it was
so popular
I don't want to
listen to fucking
music with deep
lyrics
I like to think
I'm quite a deep
person
I'm happy in my own head so I like to think I'm quite a deep person. I'm happy with my
own head.
So I like happy,
upbeat fucking
da-da-da-da-da.
I don't even know
what songs are about
most of the time.
People are like,
that's a really deep
song.
I'm like, is it?
I still don't know
what Mr. Brightside
is about.
That's so funny.
We were literally
talking about Mr.
Brightside last night
because I played
it on Jukebox.
You know, Mr.
Brightside has been
in the charts forever
since it was released.
Very important.
It's never left
the top 100.
Incredible.
Which is...
It makes perfect sense.
It's a banger.
It's a banger.
And also,
on this note,
this is an opinion
I've had for a while
and feel free to
credit me here.
How have we...
Why are musicians cool?
What do you mean?
Because what part...
No matter what type of fucking band you're in,
to me, being a musician,
and I'm sorry to say musicians out there,
and I know I'm wrong here,
that's one of the lamest things in the world.
You get your heart broken,
so you go around a little pond.
It's in the title, isn't it?
Rock and roll.
But it's not rock and roll.
But it's perceived as this thing.
And then every so often, a proper bad boy comes out,
and then everybody is tired is the wrong word,
but it is what they are, tired with a certain image now,
whether they be doing it.
Even Ed Sheeran, apparently, is like...
I like Ed Sheeran.
But apparently, even he goes on.
He seems like the most middle-of-the-road,
boring, should-be-an-accountant guy like, boring, should be an accountant guy.
Right.
But apparently he goes on
vendors.
Right.
Massive,
like,
straight bottles of vodka
vendors.
Yeah,
he absolutely gets on it.
But like,
even with,
So that's why it's cool.
I think that's the reason.
And then to be on stage,
in a way,
comedians being on stage
is perceived as a cool thing.
Yeah,
but I'm being on stage
and I'm being,
you know,
funny talking about this stuff,
like,
you don't stay singing about a
time that God
made you cry
grow up
if you're in a
band
to be in a
band to me
all I can
find is
here's what it's
like to be in a
band
you're in a
band
and you get
your heart
broken by
somebody
which is
obviously sad
but there's
a thousand
ways to deal
with it
which isn't
writing a snidey
song about it
said the comedian
who wrote
Show About
His Ex-Cuffin
yeah
I'm seeing my
hypocrisy here
I feel like I
might not
talk for this
part
I was just
letting you go
with this one
but so you
get your heart
broken
I've been about
yeah were you
yeah I've been
about
I'll get onto
this in a second I want to hear this so much you get your heart broken right I've heard about it. Were you? Yeah, I've heard about it. I'll get onto this in a second.
I want to hear this so much.
You get your heart broken, right?
You go write a little fucking song
about how sad your fucking little fucking heart is.
Wah, wah, wah.
Then you get your mates come round to your house
and you're like,
Sarah broke my heart.
Would you mind, like,
when I sing this bit,
would you all join in
and we can all sing about my emotions together?
How is that cool?
What part of you and four of your
friends sitting and playing
your fucking little recordings or whatever?
Recorders?
What music are you listening to?
Even a fucking...
Also, like rappers, right?
No matter how baller
rappers claim to be, mate,
you're singing like you've wrote a poem. Doesn't matter what beat you put down. You can act as baller rappers claim to be, mate, you're singing. Like, you've wrote a poem.
Doesn't matter what beat you put down.
You can act as baller as you want
with all your fucking money,
all your cars, whatever.
At one point, you sat down
and you wrote poetry.
You're not cool.
It's not cool.
Poetry is not cool.
It's lame.
I feel like you're getting that out of your chest.
I also realize that in this
I've become the muggle.
Like I'm 100%
I'm 100%
I feel like this
this one should be called
Daniel's in the corner.
Yeah.
I think you should go
in the corner.
Yeah.
No I can't.
Don't go in the corner.
We're doing a podcast.
So tell me about your band.
I did a band with Derek.
Okay your friend Derek.
Yeah yeah.
Okay you dropped that
as if everyone was like
oh Derek.
Everybody knows Derek.
Yeah I did a band with with him what was your band called
Prufrock
after a poem
you were one
R off
no it was P R U
it's a character in a poem
P
P R U
F R O C K
okay
Prufrock
Prufrock
Prufrock
yeah for about maybe
four years.
Did you just sing?
Guitar and sing.
You could play the guitar?
Eh.
Oh, no, I was in a band.
I could play the guitar, yeah, yeah.
I wouldn't do, like, we had two other guitars in the band as well.
Can you remember any of your songs?
What are the names of one of them?
One of them was called Pocket Sized.
Okay, what was that about
um
it was about a girl
obviously
obviously
she was pocket sized
in the song she was
little tiny girl
in the pocket
um
what was the other one
um
one called
Undefined Reality
great name for a song
so good name
I cannot believe
that you gave
G-Tip
Gareth Ross
so much shit
for being a rapper
yeah but I still
respect him
unlike you
unlike you
you don't expect
I mean roll
poetry
about living
in a crib
offshore
what's the other
one
there's probably
I think we definitely
wrote
about 15
20 songs
yeah
and then we recorded
a couple
we recorded an EP
about 6 I think.
The EP was called
User Friendly.
I mean, I like how you're being your own hype man.
Just remember, I could insult you
for all of the shit names
that you've been coming up with.
You're Donald Trumping yourself.
Right.
Great name.
One of the best names ever.
I was actually the first person
to use User-friendly.
And it was such a
momentous song.
There was no such thing as an EP.
So your two songs
were Pocket-sized
and user-friendly.
Was it always about phones?
It was about your phone. Pocket-sized and user-friendly.
I want to define reality. User-friendly is
an MVP. Come on.
There's another called Serato. Oh, sorry. Okay.
There's another one called
Toronto.
Toronto is another one.
Did you ever, like,
gig?
Yeah, yeah.
In front of audiences?
No, no, just ourselves.
Of course, in front of audiences.
Okay.
I've never...
I've known you for, what,
eight years?
We played in...
Where did we play?
We played in a place...
Aimee Doran's used to be,
like, the big music venue.
It was owned by Fun Lumber Criminals.
And then we did our EP launch in Doyle's bar in Dublin.
But then I started doing comedy, same time.
And then it was period.
But you never did musical comedy?
No, no, no.
That's so...
God, no, I would never do that.
I would do that already.
Yeah, you... God, no. I would never do that. I would do that for idiots.
So yeah, and then it was basically then I genuinely made a choice and I was like
right, it's unfair
of me to go and be like, hey, could you come see me
with this role in a band doing sad music
and then come see me and be like
hey, everything's fine
on the inside
yeah
that's why
I stopped doing it
I am fully in the
corner
but I would like
to point out
the reason I
attack other
people's music
is because
I'm just so
defensive about
my one
because it
gets attacked
all the time
I totally agree
I think anybody
can listen to
anything
it shouldn't be
because I listened
to Bruno Mars
when I arrived
here
but yesterday people like Elliot Because I listened to Bruno Mars when I arrived here. Yeah.
But yesterday.
But people like Elliot Stewart would be like,
Bruno Mars.
Bruno Mars is probably one of the best musicians in the last 50 years.
I mean, Nelson just exploded somewhere.
Amazing.
Oh, I know.
He just won six Grammys.
Can't argue with it.
I mean, people do.
But they say people will. People will.
I don't get Adele.
I've listened to a bunch of her songs.
But it's not for me.
I would never criticize it.
If listening to Adele, I don't know who you are.
And also, Adele's music is not fucking made for me.
If you're listening to Adele, it makes your day easier.
It makes you fucking happy.
You enjoy it.
I'm not going to take that away from you.
And I hate the fact that people are trying to rob me
of the things
I like saying
I have two of her
albums up on Spotify
she's great
she's got a fucking
belting voice
really good to run to
yeah
and neither does she
oh
what
what
what
you got slammed
Adele
yeah
Adele
how good is it
that Adele
can you get slammed
the reason I love Adele
is because apparently
I've got a friend
that knows her
and apparently
she just regularly
just drinks tinnies
in the street
and I'm like
baller
I love that
she's hands on stage
yeah
fucking
she played
the biggest gig in Perth
ever last year
when I was over there
in November I think it was
and it was 82,000 people
or something like that
yeah
and she's just
fucking baller
I love that you know she doesn't care I think She's just fucking balling. I love that.
You know,
she doesn't care.
I think there's
nothing better than that.
Yeah,
I totally agree.
Yeah,
if you criticize
other people's music.
Yeah,
just let people,
especially,
especially unprovoked
as well.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
If you're having a discussion
about music,
you're fine.
Oh, yes.
If you're going,
well, no,
this is why I don't like
the blah, blah, blah.
But if somebody goes,
oh, I just listened to
this new Bruno Mars album
and you go,
well, yeah, like you don't, because even though I don't like them, blah, blah, blah. But if somebody goes, oh, I just listened to this new Bruno Mars album, and you go, well,
yeah,
like,
you don't,
because even though I don't,
and music doesn't speak to me,
I understand that it speaks to some people,
and it would never,
if that,
and for some people,
it's a really good coping mechanism,
right?
There are songs that genuinely make them happier,
and whatever.
I wouldn't,
I wouldn't,
I wouldn't rub that on someone.
So what I'm saying is,
allow me to,
like,
fucking,
Imagine Dragons,
please.
Allow me to fuck Imagine Dragons. Okay please we've not got time for one more
so just
your one was
yeah we'll do
another one
yeah
oh dude
we'll do one more
no no we'll do
another podcast
oh yes okay
cool
alright
we should
play starts
well let's just
plug shows first
oh yeah
so first of all
again thank you
to everyone who
came to my shows
in Canberra, Brisbane
and Adelaide.
Melbourne I am doing
this festival
I start on Thursday
and I am on at 9.30
oh no I'm not
I'm full of shit
I am on at 9pm
every day
except for Sundays
where I'm on 8pm
Mondays I'm not on
and I'm at the Acme
in Melbourne.
So please come and see me there.
Very nice.
I'm doing two shows here in Melbourne, Warren.
Best of Irish, or the full Irish, it's called.
Yeah.
6.15 in Kix, the venue on Elizabeth Street.
Just selling really well, actually, so that's good.
Nice.
And a solo show in the Carlton on, you know, Brook Street?
I do know Brook Street, yeah.
Yeah, so it's there at 9.30.
Is that more classic Stanley?
That's more classic Stanley.
More classic Stanley.
So every day except, no Mondays and Wednesdays.
No Mondays and Wednesdays.
No Mondays and Wednesdays.
Oh, come on down and see us.
Yeah, do.
You want to start with your dad jokes?
Your dad's hymen was broken on his wedding night.
Your mum met your dad at a yard sale.
He was 10 euros but she haggled his previous owner down to 6.
Your dad is a tender lover.
Of course he was, he lost his hymen on his wedding night.
He's lived and done it for a couple of years.
Your dad eats bananas with a knife and fork.
Your dad gets travel sick when he cycles a bike. When your mum's dad died, your dad learned how to play the world's smallest violin so he could perform at the wake.
Your dad's middle name is Chipoo.
Your dad's got two left eyes.
Your dad wasn't even invited to his own stag.
Your dad runs around a football pitch blowing his whistle.
He's not a referee, he's just got an irrational fear of men in shorts and he thinks they're all going to sexually assault him. his own stag. Your dad runs around a football pitch blowing his whistle.
He's not a referee.
He's just got an irrational fear of men
in shorts and he thinks
they're all going to
sexually assault him.
Oh, well,
they have to follow on.
When he played football,
your dad used to always
make the joke,
oh, I play left back
in the dressing room.
The irony was that
he never got his game.
Your dad's got a tattoo
of Eeyore on his inner thigh.
Your dad recently met up
with a guy from school.
He used to bully him
and acted real nice to his face, but then went home and cried into his pillow. Your dad recently met up with a guy from school. He used to bully him and acted real nice to his face,
but then went home and cried into his pillow.
Your dad sleeps standing up like a pony.
That's weird.
Your dad can't drink craft beer as he can taste the alcohol.
Your dad's banned from the racetracks for putting peanut butter on his balls
and running the opposite direction than the rabbit.
Your dad pronounces meme, me, me.
I was trying to write that.
I was genuinely trying to write that.
That's the one that made me laugh earlier.
Your dad names his farts like hurricanes.
Is that him?
I'll go one more.
Oh, yeah, okay.
And your dad just isn't right
until he's had his morning coffee.
He's not.
He's just not
he has a nice
skinny latte
alright
thanks for listening
to the podcast
Cans
and I'll catch you
in a couple of weeks
bye