Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.30 Cream and Kissy Two Lips

Episode Date: March 26, 2018

Sloss without Humphries joined by a blast from the podcast past Andrew "Kissy Two-Lips" Stanley who you may remember as Kai's stand in co-host from 2017's Australia tour. They're in Australia now and ...in true Sloss form, recording from the bottom of an empty well. 

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!
Starting point is 00:00:13 Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or a magic bean cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?
Starting point is 00:00:27 Good morning, fuckers. It's me, Crane, back with the Slauson Humphreys podcast on the road with no Humphreys, as you guessed it, because we're still not even in the same fucking hemisphere. But I do have, it's only him, it's Mr. Kissy Tulips. Hello. It's been a while since you've been on the podcast. Yeah, maybe August
Starting point is 00:00:45 July maybe yeah and I've not listened to the last one Elliot and Kai did but apparently they marked you on it so
Starting point is 00:00:54 yeah I don't know on what I'm going to assume it was valid oh yeah probably yeah I haven't listened to it I'm going to go
Starting point is 00:01:00 yeah okay just do it just do it when you're in the gym just get a fucking rage on yeah just be like where do you want to pump
Starting point is 00:01:06 these muscles put the thing up to 18 kilometers an hour this is the fastest I've ever run I always feel like if I ever want to go like you know
Starting point is 00:01:15 you can listen to like fucking rap music pump some people up in the gym some people it's fucking hard rock I just feel like if I listen to Elliot Steele being an idiot
Starting point is 00:01:23 I'll break all my personal best yeah that's why I said that again as much as I'm like oh you got Murtha I'm like yeah but by Elliot you know it's like you came first in the children's race yeah yeah yeah it's egg and spoon but you don't have to
Starting point is 00:01:37 carry an egg just a spoon yeah we had to do we never did the egg and spoon races at school ours was always with a fucking potato potato yeah. I didn't know if that was an Irish thing or not. I mean, it does sound like. It sounds so Irish. To any of the international podcast listeners, which we have a surprising amount of,
Starting point is 00:01:57 that just sounds like a stereotype that they're not going to believe is true. Whatever is it, yeah. It's like we went, we had so few of them in the family. Now we've loads. Let's race with them look guys we've got an abundance now just in memory
Starting point is 00:02:08 why can't we use a football on the pitch we've got a big potato it's like Abu Dhabi having a water park did you ever did you ever have like
Starting point is 00:02:16 people cheating in the oh when they put their fucking thumb on top I think kids just put like blue tack on it
Starting point is 00:02:23 and stuff I'm like how badly do you want to win this potato and spoon race like are you now playing for the Australian cricket team topical
Starting point is 00:02:31 I don't know the controversy oh my god you're in Australia you need to know this because but I've always just felt like cricket
Starting point is 00:02:38 I've tried to get into I've watched matches I've look I get I respect I respect five days of drinking right that is I've got no problem with that like as a fat matches of... I respect five days of drinking, right?
Starting point is 00:02:46 I've got no problem with that. As a fan, I would never be like muggles or cricket fans because I know people who are just... It's just a sport I don't do. It's that way that you're like, yeah, I actually really want to protect the five-day series tests, but for drinking, not for the sport. Not for the sport at all.
Starting point is 00:03:01 What do you think of the T20? Way too short. That's like a lunchtime session. If you can have a meal, and if that's not enough. Not for the sport. Not for the sport at all. What do you think of the T20? Way too short. That's like a lunchtime session. Yes. If you can have a meal in it, that's not enough. Yes, because I can't day drink and then go on the rest of my day. You have to do it for five days. Yes, there's nothing sadder than like... You should join the Barbie Army. You should follow the English Cricket Team around, but only for five days.
Starting point is 00:03:19 Yes, I've never done the two-ball. I always feel like there's those people that when you go day drinking, you know that thing where they're like, should we get a bottle of wine? Oh, you know, we will get a bottle of wine. And then at the end of it, you're half cut. And then the other person's like, right, I've got stuff to do. And it's like, what are you doing? That happened to me the other day.
Starting point is 00:03:35 Somebody said, oh, do you want to get like a pint of Guinness? Because I was in Auckland. So a couple of friends of mine that I didn't even know were in town were there. They're like, do you want to get a couple of lunchtime pints of Guinness? I was like, yeah. I went and had three pints of Guinness. They lunchtime points of Guinness? I was like, yeah. I went and had three points of Guinness. They had a glass of Guinness. Then they had one pint
Starting point is 00:03:49 and then switched back to a glass and then went, I've got to pick up the kids. I was like, what am I doing? Now I'm just sad. I'm like, I'm a dick.
Starting point is 00:03:57 No five hours. I can't go to sleep. Now I'm just a sad man during the day. And they left before I finished my last one so I was just on my own
Starting point is 00:04:06 an Irish man in an Irish bar having a Guinness halfway through the day and then just running around with a pate on the spoon and be like
Starting point is 00:04:14 just like in the good old days I remember I was a kid so the Australian cricket team the Australian cricket team they got so they were getting beaten
Starting point is 00:04:22 so they're all over the base moment right a few of them fought in a tunnel at a game three weeks
Starting point is 00:04:27 ago. It was all caught on camera. The vice captain and captain had to be
Starting point is 00:04:30 separated. A physical fight. A physical fight, yeah. Crazy. It's always
Starting point is 00:04:35 over arm punches. They run from 50 meters away. I'm going to punch you.
Starting point is 00:04:41 He's in with the approach. I don't worry about running. He's in with the approach. He's doing the abro thing. He's gone round the side.
Starting point is 00:04:47 Oh, it's a curveball. It's right at the last minute. He's going with the googly. Curveball's close enough. Wait, did you just call that a googly? Googly, yeah. That's not the name
Starting point is 00:04:57 of a thing. It is. It's it? Oh my God, you should watch cricket. You'd love it. Punches for the silly names. The more I talk about it,
Starting point is 00:05:02 yeah, the Duckworth Lewis method. Duckworth Lewis sounds like a fucking villain so Duckworth Lewis is when a team sets a score and then rain causes delay of play
Starting point is 00:05:12 so they have to reduce the amount of time they play so then the score they've set is reduced to an actual target that they can maintain
Starting point is 00:05:18 so it's like yeah ratio it makes sense but it's mental like imagine playing a game of soccer and it's 5-0 at halftime and then it's rain they go it's only. Like imagine playing a game of soccer. And it starts raining. And it's 5.30 at halftime.
Starting point is 00:05:25 And it starts raining. And they go, it's only 2.00 now. And you're like, I got a hat trick. It's my first ever hat trick. That's weird, right? But anyway, so then they're playing South Africa at the moment. I think it was South Africa. Yeah, they said Africa. And they're being beaten.
Starting point is 00:05:38 They're being destroyed. And so on the third, I think it was the third day of a five-day series, one of the players in his pocket had a piece of sandpaper. So he takes it out, hands it to the bowler. The bowler scratches the ball down so they can put a divot in it so they can try to land on that divot to make the ball move more. Then they hand it back to the first guy and he takes it out of his pocket and puts it down his boxer shorts because the umpire's asked to speak to him. And then he comes over and he's like, no, no, no, that's my sunglasses case.
Starting point is 00:06:11 But he forgets that it's 2018 and there's a million cameras on him. So now there's a slow motion of him taking sand, and you can see the sandpaper, and putting it in his pocket. And then... Did he go for the Trump defense and just be like, it's all fake,
Starting point is 00:06:25 it's all bullshit? The whole time, right? Really? The coach is in the stands on a walkie-talkie. Go on, I think they can see you. And you're like,
Starting point is 00:06:31 they can see you as well and they can hear you. You're like, it's amazing. And then the captain came out and it turns out everybody was involved. The whole team knew.
Starting point is 00:06:39 The captain came out and went, yes, it is bad that we cheated but you know what? This won't happen again while I'm captain. I was like, why are you still captain? What are you talking about?
Starting point is 00:06:47 So he got removed. Him and the vice captain got removed. But they're still on the team. They're still on the team. And let me tell you, the thing about cricket is cricket fans do not let anything go. So a thing happened 28 years ago,
Starting point is 00:06:59 I think it was, against New Zealand, I think, where there was one ball left in the game. And Australia, that's amazing, right? So basically, when you're throwing a ball, you have the risk of them scoring runs. Or if you throw a wide, there'll be another ball. They'll get automatic runs.
Starting point is 00:07:13 So the Australian bowler went up and rolled the ball along the ground. Just long enough to get to the wickets. Are you allowed to do that? It's allowed. It's 100% round-a-bond because you're a dickhead. I'll bet thathead which is amazing of course
Starting point is 00:07:27 I love that sort of thing it's important see in football see with the referees like okay just do an
Starting point is 00:07:33 honourable thing where it's a foul just pass it back to the goalkeeper see if you run and score that goal you were my favourite player
Starting point is 00:07:39 of all time like fuck you I don't care you just won the FA Cup well done I hope it doesn't rain though
Starting point is 00:07:46 because they'll take that ball and just kick it all up you so anyway so basically that's what's happening at the
Starting point is 00:07:50 moment and it's in the middle of the series they're still playing the series they're still playing the rest
Starting point is 00:07:54 of the game it's just such a dog thing to just sand a fucking ball well there's loads of ways of doing it
Starting point is 00:08:00 so you always see that's why they always try you'll see when they're holding the cricket ball they're trying to compress it in
Starting point is 00:08:04 with their hands they're trying everything to just kind they hold the cricket ball they'll try and like compress it in with their hands they're trying everything to just kind of make the ball a little malleable yeah yeah cricket ball is like rock hard
Starting point is 00:08:11 you know what I mean so it's kind of to sand it down it's just so but it's just so blatant like it's so blatant in a time of like when you've
Starting point is 00:08:20 washed yourself on countless fucking replays you're in a stadium full of people you're like, I am so subtle. In fairness,
Starting point is 00:08:29 the bowler, you don't see him do anything. Yeah. You just see him moving and stuff. You don't see him like properly scraping it.
Starting point is 00:08:35 Oh, so he was... He nails it. This guy should get an Oscar. Okay. Like, Weinstein's going to be in touch with him
Starting point is 00:08:40 because he's got his character. Yeah, and he's great at covering things up. He's like, he'll spot on. So, yeah, so that's what's happening in the Australian him because he's got his character. Yeah, and he's great at covering things up. He's real spot on. So, yeah, that's what's happening in the Australian cricket. It's amazing.
Starting point is 00:08:50 But this will last. It'll be 50 years. Like, they'll be getting sledged by everybody. And the worst thing that could happen now is if they win the game. Because then they've won it on a cheating thing. So is there, like, an investigation into this? No, there's no investigation because it's filmed and shown. Yeah,
Starting point is 00:09:05 that's what I'm saying. That's why, because I don't follow cricket at all in any way but I follow people who, on Twitter, who enjoy cricket and just all of them
Starting point is 00:09:13 have just been like, this investigation is going to be interesting. I'm like, why is, why is there an investigation? There's no investigation at all. It's just,
Starting point is 00:09:18 they're just going to get fined massively. Yeah. And they've admitted it. And even if they didn't, I like it, they're like, look,
Starting point is 00:09:24 we hold our hands up. You have to! You were holding your hand up when somebody ran in. Yeah. It's like, we're going to do the honourable thing
Starting point is 00:09:33 and admit. It would be like OJ Simpson coming out now and just being like, all right. Which he kind of did. See that interview that came out
Starting point is 00:09:41 about three weeks ago? The one where he was like, look, I didn't do it, but if I were to do it, this is where I bury the body. And then he got so into it then, he would then kept going, so I killed her,
Starting point is 00:09:53 right? And then I buried her, brought her here. And I was like, you're not saying hypothetical anymore. Like, now you're just saying it. But of course,
Starting point is 00:09:59 in the States, they only have a, I don't know what it's called, but it's only a one chance conviction. So because he's gone to trial for it, he could hold up her body right now. Yeah. And they'd be like, he was found innocent. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:10:12 Really? Yeah, yeah. They can't go back again. They can't go back. Because if they do then, it's like, there's a word for it. I don't know what the word is. But it's like in Australia, there's this, if new evidence is found in Australia, for example, you can go to the case again.
Starting point is 00:10:23 You can bring it up. Yeah, yeah, of course. In the United States. I mean, to the seven American podcast listeners we have. That's the place to go. It really is. And it's so easy, which is why, I mean, you know, this is something I've tried to talk to Americans about all the time. Not suggesting,
Starting point is 00:10:40 I'm fucking up to listen to the podcast, why am I adding it? Like, oh, am I getting trouble for this? I don't understand how Donald Trump hasn't been shot yet. Yeah. I'm not saying he should. Right? But I don't understand.
Starting point is 00:10:56 The security must be... Who would shoot him? It's true. The left. It would be someone from the left and they hate guns. So it would be... I think every president before Donald Trump, right, It would be someone from the left and they hate God. So it would be the left person being very hypocritical. So I think every president before Donald Trump, right, had an actual risk of being shot for political reasons.
Starting point is 00:11:13 Oh, Barack Obama, first black president. First black president. Racist. I mean from other countries. You know what I mean? I mean from Russia would have a reason to take out the American president. Yeah, yeah, yeah. North Korea, sorry, would have the reason to take out the American president.
Starting point is 00:11:24 Something like that. What is Trump? Trump, they're going, he's fine. Yeah, yeah. Let's make sure he gets in president. Yeah, yeah. North Korea, sorry, would have the reason to take out the American president. Something like that. When Trump, they're going, he's fine. Let's make sure he gets in again. Yeah. Let's get it so he can do his return. What you're saying is there's probably actually
Starting point is 00:11:32 Russian bodyguards surrounding the FBI. That's why you have to be tough. Yeah. The Russian bodyguards are also protecting the bodyguards of Trump. They don't even protect
Starting point is 00:11:40 Putin anymore. Yeah. King Jong-un has sent his crack team over. That's why his body bodyguards that are all like shaved, blonde-haired guys, like small,
Starting point is 00:11:48 aged, sucking guys. There's no Americans protecting him anymore. It's a crack team of every single most amazing protector. I was at the inauguration.
Starting point is 00:11:57 It was just FBI and field agents from every country in the world. I was the actual only spectator there. Everyone there. Eric Lamper. Me and Eric only spectator there. Everyone there.
Starting point is 00:12:08 Me and Eric Lamper were there. Everyone else there was just making sure that me and Eric didn't shoot Donald Trump. These were like, we enjoy this. That was one of the things I did love about Trump's inauguration. We went down there. Genuinely. We went down to talk to people.
Starting point is 00:12:24 I think it's stupid to hate people based on one thing I disagree with these people they voted in Trump but to see if I can try and get into their that doesn't make a whole person
Starting point is 00:12:31 it is a genuine don't judge a book by its cover but I'll tell you this upon getting down there don't judge a book by its cover but you can't judge
Starting point is 00:12:38 70% of the book by the cover I would come 92 there's a fair bunch I was like nailed that straight away straight away you're an idiot but one of the guys who I loved I might have mentioned 92. Yeah. There's a fair bunch. I was like, nailed that straight away. Yeah, straight away, you're an idiot.
Starting point is 00:12:46 But one of the guys who I loved, I might have mentioned this on the podcast before, was there was a black guy selling Make America Great at Ken Hanks. And I was like,
Starting point is 00:12:54 bought a hat from him because I was like, genuinely, can I just ask you a question? I'm like, do you support Donald Trump? And he was like, no,
Starting point is 00:13:00 I'm just here to make money off of idiots. Amazing. I was like, so good. Amazing. That is genuine capitalism. Yeah. That is what America's built on. He's like, yeah, fuck'm just here to make money off of idiots. Amazing. I was like, so good. That is genuine capitalism. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:13:06 That is what America's built on. He's like, yeah, fuck. That is him living the dream and seeing an opportunity. And he must have... How many Hillary Clinton t-shirts did he have in the warehouse? He's just there. They're one of his kids' categories. He's like, oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:13:17 How easy is it to change 2016 to 2020? Yeah. Well, can she run again? Yeah. You can run more than once. Oh, can you? Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can definitely run more than once. Like, it's just when you've been Yeah. Well, can she run again? Yeah, you can run more than once. Oh, can you? Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:13:26 You can definitely run more than once. Like, it's just when you've been a president, you can't run again. You can run for two turns, but you can't. So I wonder, actually, you know what? I don't know if... Oh, I wonder if, like, Trump gets beaten. Let's say Trump gets beaten in the next one.
Starting point is 00:13:39 Aye. I don't think he can run again. I don't think he can either. I don't know. I don't know that. Yeah. Hey, Americans, let us know. Yeah, let us know on the...
Starting point is 00:13:46 Educate us on your political system. That's flawless. Speaking of politics, I was a fucking idiot the other day. I'll tell you this. So I was in Canberra. Thank you to everyone. Oh, also, yeah,
Starting point is 00:13:56 thank you to everyone who came to my shows in Brisbane and Canberra and thank you to the first five shows of Adelaide and the Sunday crowd. You can honestly go fuck yourself. Weirdest gig I've had in my life. Really?
Starting point is 00:14:06 Man, I've heard for years and years how difficult Adelaide can be. And I was like... Oh, I know. Yeah. Turn up there, and the first five shows are great. I'm like, I don't know what people are talking about. This crowd is great. I don't sell as much as I do in other places in Australia,
Starting point is 00:14:22 but there's a lot going on. That's the second biggest fringe in the world, as they keep telling us. And as I do in other places in Australia, but there's a lot going on. Well, it's the second biggest fringe in the world, as they keep telling us. And as I keep having to explain to people, Edinburgh's so much bigger, if you haven't been to the Edinburgh Fringe, that it's like going, well, New York's the biggest city in the world.
Starting point is 00:14:34 Well, the second biggest, Wellington. So that's the second biggest. That is the difference in size between these two places. Yeah, it's... On this Sunday, and this, I cannot stress, like, it's, on the Sunday, and this, I cannot, like,
Starting point is 00:14:47 it was one of the most, it was a very humbling experience and I like this in comedy, like, whenever you get too big for your boots, it's as if, and the universe doesn't know I'm not a hippie,
Starting point is 00:14:54 but it's almost as if it's like, you need your ass kicked. Yeah, let's bring you down nine pegs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:59 So I've just had a great three weeks of fucking gigs. It's held everywhere. Sunday, I get there, backstage, 60 people in the audience, right that everywhere. Sunday, I get there. Backstage, 60 people in the audience, right? 60.
Starting point is 00:15:07 60. How many do you remember? You had founders, right? Yeah, so about 100. Right, okay. But last Sunday, the thing. Of course. It was a very playable audience.
Starting point is 00:15:16 I was happy everyone there. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Mr. Daniel Sloss. Three people clapped. What? Right? And I've got like big fucking rap music picking me up that I talk over the top of.
Starting point is 00:15:27 Three people. Slow clapping as well? Yeah. Like, none of them not even at a for the first part They didn't have
Starting point is 00:15:36 the leadership scope. Credit Kai Kai O'Brie's and Tom Hotton. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gotta pay credit where credit is due. That is, that joke belongs to both Tom Horton. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gotta pay credit where credit is due. That joke belongs to both Tom Horton and Kyle.
Starting point is 00:15:49 I think it was Tom's first. Was it Tom's first? And then he had the leadership skills and Kyle followed him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought it was a prank for the first 10 minutes. Like, honestly, I was like, there's... Like that old stock line.
Starting point is 00:16:02 Like, you know, it's like you all had a meeting beforehand. It was like they'd all had a meeting before because in those things like i've done it too many times where i've gone into the audience and i think there's some communities that are very good at going yourself and john hastings for example going in getting the audience inside yeah when i get aggressive with the audience doesn't come across as nice i've got to like i can't so i'm just like what do none of you know who I am? And the thing is, all you're doing is your character
Starting point is 00:16:28 on stage. You know what I mean? Because that is your character on stage, which is this... Big showy cunt. Yeah, well, just very, like, arrogant, I would say. Confident to a fault, you know what I mean? Yeah, hypocrite and challenging. I'll challenge you on anything. So, of course, if it seems like they're not playing
Starting point is 00:16:43 the game, because the audience have a job as well, of course, as much as they do pay to see us perform, the audience have a job. It's a deal. It's a deal. Yeah, you know what I mean? It would be like me going to the cinema
Starting point is 00:16:54 and just watching the... Bring your own crisps. Yeah. No, that's fine. But just watching, being like, oh yeah, I guess at no point
Starting point is 00:17:02 I'm paying upon coming to the cinema, don't we agree? You have to watch the movie. Yeah, yeah, exactly. no point on paying upon coming to the cinema do we agree you had to watch the movie but we just assumed that like coming to the cinema you'd rather watch
Starting point is 00:17:09 a TV series yeah that you would watch it was just and look they were under no obligation to the audience
Starting point is 00:17:14 so I'm just like well anyway apart from that Anthony was great yeah yeah go through the rest even when I came off stage
Starting point is 00:17:21 my manager over here she was like I've never seen anything like that in my life like she was just like I don't and that was the in my life. She was just like, I don't. And that was the 18th, I remember, because it was the day after Paddy's Day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:29 Paddy's Day was mental in Adelaide. Yeah. Of course, as it always is. But yeah, so I've been, yeah, I guess you were in Perth very briefly. Were you in Perth? No, I go to Perth. Oh, you were in Perth Comedy Festival. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:41 So I go to Perth in a couple of weeks. But when I was in Canberra, to get onto politics, I don't know were Yeah, yeah. So I got back in a couple of weeks. But when I was in Canberra, so to get onto politics, I don't know. Oh, yes. So John Hastings. You should describe Canberra to people who've never been. Canberra is like, it's such a weird city.
Starting point is 00:17:53 Yeah, it's the capital of Australia, but it's like the most popular city. But it's the capital of Australia because they couldn't decide between Sydney and Melbourne. And so they just went somewhere, not in the middle. No, they built it.
Starting point is 00:18:04 It wasn't a place. But you didn't know this. No, I didn't know this. That's why the government is there. So it was basically going to be Sydney or Melbourne and they were like,
Starting point is 00:18:12 well, you know what? You're about to be in set ball, boys. Neither of you get it. Yeah, we're going to build it in the middle of nowhere. And then they went, let's go, you can't.
Starting point is 00:18:20 And so that's why it's all government officials who live there from Monday to Friday and then they all walk off. And it's, look, it's a very nice, live there. Yeah. Monday, Friday, and then they all walk off. And it's a very nice, I guess, a fucking hard time. I think the crowds there are great.
Starting point is 00:18:30 Because they love it. Because nobody fucking goes there. They're just like, thank you. It's the perfect mix. The camera audience is a perfect mix of intelligent and desperate for you to be. Yeah, they're like, you're a traveler on the road. You're like, come in, we'll give you food. Yeah, please, please.
Starting point is 00:18:44 We've got this. Come and set the upside down. Yeah, tell us the tales you're a traveler on the road. You're like, come in, we'll give you food. Yeah, please, please. We've got this. Tell us about the outside world. Yeah, tell us the tales. It's just, yeah. It brings news from afar. Yeah. You guys are the government, but still, like. We are government.
Starting point is 00:18:55 Yeah. Nobody really takes this seriously. Cranberry and vapor. What? So we go there, right? So John Hastings messaged me a bit. I'm like, do you want to go to the government building? And I was like,
Starting point is 00:19:06 no. Number one source of detractor in Canberra. It is. And John was like, oh, come on.
Starting point is 00:19:12 I was like, oh, fuck it. So we go along and they confiscated my ball. They gave me a stress ball at one of the
Starting point is 00:19:19 galleries. Oh, we had that last night, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So I just had it in my pocket, right? It's very fun to play with,
Starting point is 00:19:23 just fucking walk down the street like I'm a prisoner just counting down the days till I'm free again just bouncing off a wall they don't confiscate my vape they don't confiscate my phone
Starting point is 00:19:32 it's just the ball and I'm like why have they confiscated my ball and then there was an opportunity where we were allowed to sit in on the Senate so we could Senate was in session
Starting point is 00:19:39 and we were allowed to sit in and watch it and then Pauline Hanson what mental things would be allowed to happen oh man so we could just say this we go in there and then Pauline Hanson walks out and I be allowed to happen oh man so we could just say this we go in there and then Pauline Hanson
Starting point is 00:19:45 walks out and I'm like that's why I'm not allowing my butt off because the phone that's dispensable yeah yeah your mind isn't involved you're flinging out
Starting point is 00:19:54 Pauline Hanson I'm not fucking I'm not throwing my phone at Pauline Hanson because what will I film at Wesley's yeah yeah yeah like unless it hits her
Starting point is 00:20:00 at the right angle like the image unless you're the best director I've ever seen unless you're Chris Rinaldin yeah and I throw it and it just hits her spot on
Starting point is 00:20:07 but then I've got to shout at her being like can you upload that to Twitter yeah yeah can you hand that back can you hand that take these handcuffs off me
Starting point is 00:20:15 I really need to log into my pocket just put my thumb on it yeah just put it I can fingerprint access so we're sitting in it we're like do you want to watch the Senate I was like sure
Starting point is 00:20:23 now I don't understand anything they're fucking talking about right we're sat there we're watching the Senate we're like John do you want to watch the Senate I was like sure now I don't understand anything they're fucking talking about right we're sat there we're watching the Senate but every time a new bill comes up right they get up
Starting point is 00:20:31 and they walk over it's a musical chairs right so they're swapping over I mean they're like where the fuck are they moving all the time and they're heckling each other of course
Starting point is 00:20:39 like all the way through like very you know politics like shouting at each other and laughing and just calling each other names and we're like, this is kind of interesting. And then another bill
Starting point is 00:20:47 comes up and they all swap sides and John goes, oh, they're swapping sides. They're voting. They're voting. Left for yes, right for no.
Starting point is 00:20:53 I'm like, there's no way the basis of a government is left side yes, right side no. Because surely, I mean, it isn't that you're sitting
Starting point is 00:21:03 with your party. Exactly. But no, but some people in the party disagree. Apparently not, I mean, isn't it that you're sitting with your party? Exactly, but no, but some people in the party disagree, so they, apparently not, right? So me and John are laughing so hard that they literally swap sides for the fucking vote, like, well Bill's this, oh the one on, oh, and they run over, they fight for chairs, like,
Starting point is 00:21:18 it's really the funniest thing ever. I don't think that happened to the UK in Ireland. I've watched the doll of the Irish government on TV. Well, I've been bored. Because I was making fun of the audience. On stage that night, I was like, you guys, it's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life,
Starting point is 00:21:33 you absolute idiots. And they went, it's based on British government. You brought government over here. It definitely is. But I don't think they do that. I don't think they swap seats either. I don't think they do that. I think they just count the hands.
Starting point is 00:21:44 Because I think you get given your seat. Yeah. In Ireland, I think, people can correct me if I'm wrong here, but I think you sit in the same seat every time. That's what you win. You win your seat in the government. Yeah, and that's your actual seat.
Starting point is 00:21:56 Yeah, that's why even when they're empty, like a small bill is being passed or whatever, if you oppose it or you're putting it forward, you're still in that top right seat. That's the seat you're always in. You're always beside the same person. No, no, no. That's, I don't...
Starting point is 00:22:08 It's very simple. Left side, yes. And of course, they're going to think it's normal because you always think your own thing's normal. Yeah. Until you leave the country. Yeah. Until there's a Canadian and a Scottish man in the audience going, what the fuck is this?
Starting point is 00:22:17 Yeah, yeah. There's so many questions there. And I mean, who else has ever gone to... Yeah. Oh, man. Because it was one of the only like 30 days of the year that senate's
Starting point is 00:22:26 in session right so it's not every day so there's sometimes parliaments and the
Starting point is 00:22:30 senate's it's always done there so just that day was literally the day that me and
Starting point is 00:22:34 John were like fuck it yeah let's absolutely go in yeah and you know how in most government buildings
Starting point is 00:22:37 like they go this is the prime minister from this this here's the little portraits fucking hell
Starting point is 00:22:41 they got a lot of photos in Australia because the amount of prime ministers they have oh yeah of course in Australia because the amount of prime ministers they have oh yeah of course
Starting point is 00:22:46 because they change every two days yeah and there was that prime minister and I had to ask the question I was like you know Australia
Starting point is 00:22:51 has a prime minister that just swam into the sea and never returned oh my god did you not know this I did not know this that's the most
Starting point is 00:22:59 Australian thing I've ever heard honestly right why no right he just went out for a dive and they've just... So I'm like, where's the prime minister?
Starting point is 00:23:07 Which one of these prime ministers is... He was like, well, that bill's a bit controversial. I'll be back later. Left side's no. Right side's yes. What's the C? That's where this phrase get the C comes from. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:23 He's really too hard-cannot, see. He's like like I fucking will I disagree with this Bill his name was Prime Minister Littrell
Starting point is 00:23:31 honestly so that's amazing how long ago was that oh in the 60s or 70s oh no
Starting point is 00:23:39 it might have been a bit earlier but basically I asked the woman I was like which one of the ones who was
Starting point is 00:23:44 drowning he didn't drown he just went missing I'm like if he goes missing in the sea he drowns his castaway
Starting point is 00:23:49 yeah he's not Tom Hanks it might be it might be he might be sitting on an island somewhere he's probably
Starting point is 00:23:54 going to stir that up he's probably going to stir that up he's got his coconut lemon grapefruits oh should we have fish today
Starting point is 00:24:01 it's a yes from everyone again we're so hungry. But even because he's an Australian Prime Minister and he's the only man on the island, somehow gay marriage still isn't legal. It's still a huge debate. None of the coconuts are allowed to fuck.
Starting point is 00:24:17 They can only fuck the bananas. Sometimes people come on boats and he doesn't let them off. Because he's found there. Yeah, yeah. Even though he wants to be saved, he's still one of my boat people. Come over and save me. Even though he wants to be saved,
Starting point is 00:24:31 he knows he can't go back to Australia on a boat. Yeah, he's fucked. He only likes his swimming back. Yeah. Honestly, I think that's the funniest thing. He just went out,
Starting point is 00:24:41 apparently went like, he went out with his mask and stuff. So he intended to come back, apparently did it in the morning, and just disappeared, and he just, they've never found his body, I think they found his goggles,
Starting point is 00:24:54 that's it, he just fucked off. They found his goggles? I think so. So he's dead? He's dead. Yeah, I mean,
Starting point is 00:24:58 he died then, you know what I mean, it's not like, he was washed up somewhere and he just made it back. No, no, no,
Starting point is 00:25:03 no, like they, yeah, he definitely, they just haven't said that. No. That's a level of delusion. That's very impressive.
Starting point is 00:25:10 I didn't... Why isn't he technically still Prime Minister? Everybody's just acting Prime Minister as well. Yeah, yeah. Because in Australia, he's never been voted out. He's the longest-serving Prime Minister. My Prime Minister. I believe in him.
Starting point is 00:25:22 He's my Prime Minister. Hashtag my Prime Minister. Yeah, I wish... I just think that's just so... My Prime Minister. I believe in him. He's my Prime Minister. Hashtag my Prime Minister. Yeah, I wish. I just think that's just so... Because where is the security guard? Donald Trump would not be allowed to just go swimming in the sea. And if he was... I don't think he could swim.
Starting point is 00:25:36 He can't walk upstairs. Like, he's a slinky. He can't walk upstairs. He's a bizarre bag of flesh, isn't he? Yeah. Like, it's a bizarreinky. He can't walk upstairs. He's a bizarre bag of flesh, isn't he? Yeah. It's a bizarre shape. Everything. Not even like...
Starting point is 00:25:49 It's not just all together as one. His fingers, his face. Everything's a little melted. I don't know how much of me is biased. I'm obviously fucking left-wing and I don't agree with Trump and stuff. But even then, there are photos of George Bush who I didn't agree with. I'm like,
Starting point is 00:26:06 George Bush looks nice in that photo. That's him holding a kid. You can see why he got voted into the... Yeah. You can see why he still gets
Starting point is 00:26:13 a quarter of a million to speak. Yeah, he's a bit affable. Look, disagree with what he did. He was, you know,
Starting point is 00:26:19 all that sort of stuff. But he said some stupid things at points, but he was affable. And then after Obama left there was all
Starting point is 00:26:26 those amazing photos of all of his days in office and him doing everything and I thought he was just
Starting point is 00:26:31 such a likeable fucking person I've still yet to see it and I've tried like googling pictures of Donald Trump to just
Starting point is 00:26:37 to see if there's anyone where he looks where it's not in the 80s you know what I mean when he looked really good in the 80s 70s and 80s
Starting point is 00:26:44 as opposed to now where it's just everyone is just even when he looked really good in the 80s 70s and 80s as opposed to now where it's just everyone is just even when he's smiling he's got that fucking jab of the heart so much gel yeah
Starting point is 00:26:50 so it's like so I was in Auckland last week for the first time in ages Auckland which is so I was in the room where we birthed
Starting point is 00:26:58 Geisha Placing right so let's let's explain this have we explained Geisha Placing on the podcast I don't think so I don't think so.
Starting point is 00:27:05 I don't think so. So basically, myself, Pajama Man, Gareth Waugh, another guy called Zach, he's an Australian guy, who's in the game technically, but we never see him ever yet. So we come up with this game called geisha placing, where we would take a picture of a geisha and have to place it on one of the other people. They'd have to receive it from you and the other people they'd have to receive it from
Starting point is 00:27:25 you and willingly take it they have to willingly you can't just sneak it into their pockets yeah they've got to take the picture from yes exactly so um so we had some back in the day where like we would in the hotel we were staying in we would get the concierge to deliver a picture of a geisha to somebody in an envelope um one of the pajama men. I still don't know how he did this. I thought about it the other day. I think he must have, so I walked into his room and there was a bowl of fruit
Starting point is 00:27:51 and I was like, oh, can I have the mandarin? And he went, yeah. And I opened the mandarin and there was a rolled up geisha inside. So I think he must have put one in every piece of fruit. Yeah, yeah. That's the only way. Yeah, and then,
Starting point is 00:28:00 but then probably all the other bits of food. He must have been going, man, he likes fruit. Yeah. He just wants to be with it. So then you got involved maybe three years ago. Three years ago when you told me about it. At the end of the year, I think. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:28:13 So I brought myself into the game by Geisha Plays and You. My two finest moments. I've got one fine moment with Geisha Plays I got. This could be the best one. Was for my Christmas, Gene bought me a Polaroid printer so you can connect your phone wirelessly to this
Starting point is 00:28:28 printer and it prints out a Polaroid picture of the one you've just taken on your phone and I had this very stupid game where I would
Starting point is 00:28:33 just hand people the printer and then leave the room and then print out something awful in the hands. I hand it to Gareth, I go
Starting point is 00:28:39 downstairs, I print out a picture of a geisha and I wait two minutes for him to be like, what's going on? And all I hear
Starting point is 00:28:44 is laughing, laughing, laughing, and then you absolute cunt. And so then that was the one, so using that one, he got me, or one of you got me at Christmas, or at the anniversary, under a double game, in a joypad, and then... On the bottom of the toilet seat seat so you lifted up the toilet seat yeah I still debate that one you lifted it up
Starting point is 00:29:08 yeah anyway so then I took that one and then when you arrived into Adelaide I'm so angry so I was in the middle
Starting point is 00:29:16 of a show and I just brought an act on so I did a 15 minute window so I ran around to meet you at the Belgian
Starting point is 00:29:22 Beer Cafe and I put my hand in the back of your pocket and you obviously thought I was giving you something lovely. Yeah, yeah. So you went, oh, thanks. And then you took it out and fell on the ground crying like a little baby. I was fucking furious because it was so simple.
Starting point is 00:29:37 Because my moment with Gareth was simple but clever. You needed that. This was just you in. Here you go. And I went, okay. All right, I know what I want, Jones. Like you needed that. This was just you in.
Starting point is 00:29:42 Here you go. And I went, okay. So then I got you back about two hours later by folding it up and putting it in the top of your pipe. Another very simple one.
Starting point is 00:29:53 Yeah. Another simple one. And then this one fucks me off to no end. We're out drinking. It's like 3am and you just stood with your backpack on
Starting point is 00:30:00 and it's too tight and you look like an idiot. And I'm like, sit down. And you're like, no, I've got my backpack. I'm like,
Starting point is 00:30:04 take it off. I was like, I'm going to the toilet. I'm like, take your take no i was like i'll go to the toilet i'm like take your backpack off if you're gonna go to the phone you kept calling me a nerd yeah because you look like a nerd yeah and you go you take my bag then i was like fine and you went open it and i was like no no i said i'm never taking that back oh that was it yeah and i was like and in my head i was like there's no way it's in the bag because... Because we'd lost it. Because we'd, yeah,
Starting point is 00:30:27 we'd thrown the photo away and there's no way, and I open it up and there's a picture of a fuck. So I had, I had rang ahead, or I had texted ahead one of the girls
Starting point is 00:30:35 who was the manager of the bar we were going to and gotten her to print out a picture of a geisha and place it in my bag. Weird phone call to make, by the way. Why?
Starting point is 00:30:43 Shut up! Don't ask questions. I'll explain later. And she printed two. She printed one in my bag and one in my bag. Weird phone call to make, by the way. One shot. Don't ask questions. I'll explain later. And she breathed in two. She breathed in one and put it in my bag and put one in my pocket. So it's two ready to go.
Starting point is 00:30:50 And so then as a result then, Rich Hall was there. He fell on the ground again crying. Yeah. Amazing. So Rich Hall asked us to explain the game.
Starting point is 00:30:57 We explained the game to him and he was like, very, very interesting. Cut to a fucking week later in Canberra. I'm on, doing the gala. Rich is on doing the gala. I come off stage, Rich Hall's there'm on, doing the gala, Rich is on doing the
Starting point is 00:31:05 gala, I come off stage, Rich Hall's there, and Rich, I forgot about this, Rich isn't in the game, right? And he goes... Yeah, you have nothing to worry about, you're on different continent from every player. It's absolutely fine, yeah, you were in New Zealand, I was safe, right, unless I randomly bumped into the pyjama man, I was a safe little boy. Yeah. But Rich did it even better, because, you you know there's certain ways to play to me
Starting point is 00:31:25 there's simplicity in my ego and he goes hey Dan I was out smoking outside and there was a girl who asked if I was
Starting point is 00:31:30 on the same bill as you and she wanted me to give you this and then ready gave me a bit of fold up paper with very feminine writing and said
Starting point is 00:31:36 for Daniel Sloss and I was like I even gloated about it I was like oh mate you know mate
Starting point is 00:31:43 I'm probably mad because I was like, oh, mate, you know. Mate, mate. You're clowning it. You knew that whole time. Mate, I basked. I probably basked. You knew that whole time. Because I was like, look at the little right in there. You're like, oh, it's probably a really hot girl. He's like, oh, it's a hot girl.
Starting point is 00:31:53 Yeah, it is. It's a hot fucking geisha. I open it up. Honestly, I could have punched the fucking cunt. I didn't. And then he said, in an amazing way, he went, there's a new player in the game. So Ritz Hall is now another player in the game. So the classic in Auckland, which is where I was on.
Starting point is 00:32:10 So at the same time, Barack Obama was there, really weirdly. He was there for like four days doing a talk at something. Wait, this time you were in Auckland? Yeah, just three days ago. Did you meet old Barry? No, so wait, this, right? So he was getting paid half a million dollars for his speech, right?
Starting point is 00:32:26 The greenskeeper from the course he played was in my show on Saturday night. He came to both shows. He was in the
Starting point is 00:32:33 first show and he had such a good time, he came to the second show and I was like, well now it's weird.
Starting point is 00:32:36 But then he tells us in the second show that he had met Obama that day and he had pictures of him playing the last
Starting point is 00:32:42 hole and flying off in his helicopter and everything. I was like, playing the last hole, and like, flying off in his helicopter and everything. I was like, this is so weird. It's so strange. Oh yeah.
Starting point is 00:32:49 But I was in Oxford for the week, and then the, so Taylor, I don't know if you've met Taylor, she's a girl who works in the classic, so she's producing shows with Dan Willis over here. So she tried to get the tech
Starting point is 00:32:59 to mess me up every day when he was bringing me on. So he kept bringing me on to weird music. Yeah. But, so they'd bring me on to weird music so they'd bring me on to the
Starting point is 00:33:05 Wiggles and stuff but I don't know the Wiggles so I'd just be like okay the Wiggles is like an
Starting point is 00:33:14 Australian TV show for kids yeah yeah it's been on for 30 years it's mental like that and really weirdly
Starting point is 00:33:20 the female one in it now is married to one of the old Wiggles they met on it and then they got married but she grew up watching him it's weird right And really weirdly, the female one in it now is married to one of the old wriggles. Okay. They met on it and then they got married. But she grew up watching him.
Starting point is 00:33:28 Oh, that's weird, right? Yeah. I mean, that's okay if that's her dream. But if that was his dream, jail time, boy. Wiggly, wiggly. And so that's the only one that was kind of, that stood out in my mind. Wiggly, wiggly sounds like the sort of throwaway line, you know, in the 70s sitcoms,
Starting point is 00:33:47 where, like, it's just very, very sexy. Sounds like something I have on Williams would have said. Like in Mork and Mindy. Or Cosby. Oh, well, yeah, in a different way. Wiggly Wiggly? Wiggly Waggle? And then on Saturday,
Starting point is 00:34:02 the only one that stood out in my mind that was actually kind of weird but I actually left the plate where I was the Imperial March so I was just standing there and I was like how we all doing? so yeah, if you saw Obama
Starting point is 00:34:17 very different show this one I'm denoting but yeah, so anyway I haven't been into Obama. So, you know how I'm friends with Cal Payne? Yes. Your best friends. Best friends.
Starting point is 00:34:31 Lovers. Lovers. Well, you know, sometimes. Gentle. Yeah, gentle lover. Cal Payne, he wrote for Barack Obama. It was a speech, right, for Barack Obama. He wrote his dinner speech, right?
Starting point is 00:34:42 Yeah, yeah. But worked with Obama for years. I've heard from him. He's just, like, Obama's just such a cool, genuinely nice dude. Of course. I did my favorite trick to Cal Penn. I'll upload this onto Instagram. I think it's already on there, but if you want to see the video.
Starting point is 00:34:57 My favorite trick to do is the dumbest thing in the world. You convince someone you're doing a magic trick. I spoke on the podcast last year with Katie Marks. Okay. I tell you I'm going to make a penny disappear in my hand I put the penny in my hand
Starting point is 00:35:07 I put a napkin over it I do a blah blah blah I lift it up and I'm just giving you the middle finger that's classic it's a classic I don't know why
Starting point is 00:35:13 you haven't gone to Vegas with that look you know because it would be hard to do it and like turn it into a network I don't think it would be
Starting point is 00:35:19 just every just build up every other no no only one reveal 59 minutes 59 minutes. 59 minutes build up. Dubs. Dubs, pennies, a car, a bowling ball.
Starting point is 00:35:31 How big do you think my hands are? Pretty big. Pretty big. You're welcome. And then right at the end, one finger. And then you go, for a minute. Or I saw a woman in half and she dies and the reveal is
Starting point is 00:35:46 I didn't say that because it's a given yeah no all the magic all the magic it's the same magic it's several magic tricks but every one
Starting point is 00:35:54 is just me giving you the finger afterwards me putting a rabbit into a hat bringing it out it's just my middle finger check out your pants what's there
Starting point is 00:36:02 it's my finger wiggly wiggly I pull it out from behind your ear it's all the time I do it to babies It's just my middle finger. Check out your pants. What's there? It's my finger. Wiggly, wiggly. I pull it out from behind your ear. It's all the time. I do it to babies. I go, got your nose? And then I just flip them off in the face.
Starting point is 00:36:13 Except without the nose part. You just give babies the finger. I just. So I did it to Cal Penn. And he loved it. He lost his mind. It made him laugh so very, very hard. And he's promised me that he's going to do it to Obama and film it.
Starting point is 00:36:25 Amazing. Well, realistically, the ultimate goal now is that Obama does it to someone. To Trump. I mean, that would be good. To a baby. Yeah, I guarantee you. If Obama did that to Trump, Trump would bring back the death penalty. Oh, yeah. Oh, say bring back.
Starting point is 00:36:42 It's there. It's there. Make sure he does it in a statement. It'd be like once Obama makes his money you know what I mean because then once he hits a certain target
Starting point is 00:36:50 he doesn't have to make any more then he should just start doing it to babies yeah like when he hits 20 minutes you know what I mean so let's take it
Starting point is 00:36:56 let's take it he was kind to babies he's done so many photos of him kissing babies just to be good in the public eye you're good with babies for years
Starting point is 00:37:04 and you give one baby the finger and you're an asshole. Jesus. Okay. I'm going to go hard and go home just flipping off babies
Starting point is 00:37:10 doing a mug. Fingering babies. Yeah. Not fingering. I would not be okay with them doing that. Right. Should we go on to
Starting point is 00:37:20 You can go first for your moogly corners. Okay. All right. I have two. Tell me, what do muggles do oh my god muggles get sunburned oh okay because because you should because you shouldn't you shouldn't get you shouldn't we know how not to yeah right i've done so the last time i got properly sunburned like before the one i'm going to say now was when i was 16 in like on a family holiday in a water park in swan yeah and then you learn how painful
Starting point is 00:37:52 it is and you make sure that it never happens again yeah i got sunstroke and i had like blisters on my shoulders it was meant it was really bad like really really bad and so then cut to now 21 years later you're a grown adult i know how to do it right so i've done numerous holidays exactly well maybe well you know but i've done numerous holidays with numerous people in various states of like what you're going to do you know i mean a couple of holidays like lads holidays everything i've been to aust and New Zealand 15 times. Never got burnt. Never got burnt.
Starting point is 00:38:29 Second day this year, I got burnt. So sun cream everywhere, but I had a t-shirt on. So I put sun cream on while I was wearing the t-shirt. Went to Cottesloe Beach in Perth. Second day, maybe third day I was here. Took my top off just for a bit of sun. There's no joke. I timed it.
Starting point is 00:38:44 Eight minutes. Yeah yeah it's just doing something and then it's on my instagram feed from that day it is like tomato red just totally the whole thing the whole thing burns a bit that you can't defend it because you're an idiot but do you not do you not think like you and i are at a disadvantage because we are pasty irish and scottish men like i got sunburned on my left arm the other day. I got picked up by Demi Lardner from the airport. It was a bit sunny.
Starting point is 00:39:09 Not sunny. A bit. The sun was up there. Rolled down the window. Left arm out. Seven minutes. Seven minutes. Why would I put
Starting point is 00:39:17 sun tan lotion on? But that's the thing you see. I think you're saying we're at a disadvantage because we're fair skin or whatever, but Australians just put sun cream on all the time.
Starting point is 00:39:24 Do they? Because they know. Do they? because they know do they? yeah I've never seen them do it because they do it do they do it do they?
Starting point is 00:39:31 I'm telling you they're doing it right now people listen to this doing it no doubt in my mind it's night time they do it before they get into bed
Starting point is 00:39:38 they probably do it in bed their bed is like the inside of like a plastic bag that holds margarine it's just layers of oil all the time
Starting point is 00:39:44 it's a weird image yeah and also I feel like people the inside of like a plastic bag that holds margarine. It's just layers of oil all the time. It's a weird image. And also, every light bulb in Australia is a UV light one as well. Yeah, we're getting burnt right now. That's why they're
Starting point is 00:39:56 not on. I just opened the window. I thought you were really cheap. I'll tell you what, here's why I know I'm an idiot, right?
Starting point is 00:40:02 You know there's some stuff in the world where you're just like, me and Kai were talking about this a while there's some stuff in the world where you're just like, me and Kai were talking about this a while ago, some stuff, no matter how often you explain this thing to me, I will never, ever understand how it works. You will never be able to ever explain to me how telephones work, right?
Starting point is 00:40:19 I do not get how I say a word, that word becomes electricity, flies down a wire at speed, and then turns into my voice again over there. It doesn't matter how long, you can never explain how that works to me, ever. I can explain it to you
Starting point is 00:40:31 right now. Go. Okay, you ready? How does it become electricity? So you speak into the phone and then... And then you do
Starting point is 00:40:37 the flip through. And then I flip my finger at you. That was a great reveal for a podcast. I think we could explain it. Yeah, of course. There's things that they,
Starting point is 00:40:48 telecoms and things like that are things that you have to know the very basic of. Otherwise, there's no point in trying to explain it to anybody. You know what I mean? And honestly, telecoms is the only time I understand religious people because I would much rather you just told me magic. I'd be like, yeah, all right, great.
Starting point is 00:41:01 That's how they work. Harry Potter. Harry Potter on every phone. So this is another one. Where's sunlight, right? Sunlight, it comes fucking all the way from the sun, which is, I don't know if you know this, fucking miles away. Six miles away. Oh, it's, yeah. Honestly.
Starting point is 00:41:13 You couldn't walk it. Mainly because it's up. Flat Earth. I've noticed a lot more flat Earthers than usual at the moment. It's bizarre. in well because in Australia the fucking flatest country on the planet
Starting point is 00:41:27 I don't think it's anyway I think it's still all around no but as in online I've been noticing a lot more
Starting point is 00:41:35 flat earthers I don't know how many of them are just being trolls though because in the same one guy finished a video the other day and he explained it by
Starting point is 00:41:42 let me see so he's talking about how do floods happen if the Earth is round, right? And he held up a lemon. Oh, yeah, and he poured some water on it. And then he held up a plate, and he poured the water on it, and it pulled up. And then he poured the water up, and he went, challenge me. And I was like, oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:41:58 I don't bother. But it's that level of stupidity where you're just like, I can't. I can't argue with this. You're so it's like arguing with Elliot Steele he didn't say challenge me he said try me
Starting point is 00:42:09 oh I love this I want to like go kick his head in right but right give him the sun right honestly
Starting point is 00:42:15 try putting the sun into a fucking sat-nav right the sat-nav would be like mate no I did I can get it on Google Maps and Uber there
Starting point is 00:42:21 yeah fill up on petrol but not as long as you get there because you know how does the sunlight... The sunlight's a fucking bitch, mate, right? And I know this because it can come all the way down...
Starting point is 00:42:30 What is your question here? A million miles away and it'll burn me, right? Yeah. But just one fucking window, none. Yeah. Well, a little fucking pussy
Starting point is 00:42:37 can't burn me through a fucking window. Yeah. I don't... How does that... It goes all the way through space. Millions and millions and millions... It's not a laser. Yeah, but how does it... But goes all the way through space. Millions and millions and millions... It's not a laser. Yeah, but how does it...
Starting point is 00:42:47 But it can still burn me. It can still burn my fucking skin. Yeah, your teeth. It's not that you're... See, you're picturing as a ray. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:42:55 But it's not. It's a heat. So I'm just getting... Maybe that's an easier way of imagining it. So like, why don't you get burned standing in front of an oven?
Starting point is 00:43:02 But sunburn's different from actual burn, isn't it? No, it's still burn. It's like, if you get a really bad burn, itburn's different from an actual burn, isn't it? No, it still burns. Like if you get a really bad burn, it's like a first to be burnt, second to be burnt. It's a burn. Really? It's not a flame burn. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:43:11 But it's still burnt. But it's just... You're heating up. Oh. I thought it was like a... So like you put a chicken in the oven. Yeah. That's where the skin goes crispy.
Starting point is 00:43:18 Yeah. So it's essentially sunburned chicken. Does that make sense? Yeah, sure. Thanks for... Why do I feel like I'm the new Elliot Steele? I feel like he's replaced me on the podcast.
Starting point is 00:43:28 I think the problem is you're imagining it as a rat. Yeah, that's what it is. Because that's a great way, it's a good way of visualizing it. But realistically, it's a heat. But again,
Starting point is 00:43:37 how does it, why does the heat change to a fucking, so if I put an oven outside that window, you're saying it's not going to burn me through. I guess it's got a window
Starting point is 00:43:43 in the oven, that's a good point actually. Exactly, that is my point. The oven door is a window. So imagine it's not going to burn me through I guess it's got a window in the oven that's a good point actually exactly that's my point the oven door is a window so imagine it like that imagine the oven's the sun why doesn't that burn you if you put your hand
Starting point is 00:43:51 right in front of the oven door but then if you open the oven door put your hand in front of it it would heat your arm up alright I've literally explained it to you very easily
Starting point is 00:43:58 I guess I get it magic I get it so muggles get somewhere yeah I do think I don't know if muggles get sunburned yeah I do think I don't know if muggles get sunburned
Starting point is 00:44:07 yeah because it's preventative it is preventative and I there's no reason to get sunburned I will say I will
Starting point is 00:44:13 I love it because whenever I get sunburned I feel like a muggle I'm a fucking moron like yeah I just I forgot
Starting point is 00:44:20 the sun yeah you have to go I'm an idiot yeah yeah there's no other way alright alright we'll put it in. And I think that's a very light one.
Starting point is 00:44:28 I think we can all agree that we feel like a fucking muggle whenever we get sunburned. And you never want to do it. Right. Muggles criticize other people's music tastes. Totally. I am not that massively into music, which is a concept that upsets so many people.
Starting point is 00:44:44 It's bizarre. It is a bizarre thing to comprehend, especially for me because I'm into all music. Yeah, yeah. I've just, music has never spoken to me. I would disagree with you saying that because you love Eminem. Aye, but the other example is like, I like listening to Eminem, but if I could go the rest of my life and never hear music and it would not change me in any single way. Now, I understand that's different from other people's things, but just,
Starting point is 00:45:10 so my music takes forever. I love Imagine Dragons, and I'm getting fucking ripped on all the time. I'm like, why do you give a shit what is in my ears? Yeah, yeah. Like, if I'm at a party,
Starting point is 00:45:20 I'll never offer to be the DJ, just because I, and not because I don't love it. Whereas I love it. I don't, I would love to be the DJ, because I want to because I don't know I Don't I would love to be the DJ cuz I want to put the music the booze feeling Imagine dragons. See you listen to the president. It's very it's a very risky move being the DJ Yeah, well, it's for me. I just get fucking my pretty for anybody. Yeah, cuz you're really going what's this? Yeah, this is my really own. I know what you all want
Starting point is 00:45:40 Yeah, but it's also good, but you also the risk like, this is, I won't let people listen to my playlist because I listen to Spotify daily discover and I'll just save things that I like. Look, I've got a type. It's just fucking
Starting point is 00:45:51 white men acoustically singing. I'm massively into it. Oh my God. It's my man. Honestly, if you look at my thing, Vance Joyce has got a song, right?
Starting point is 00:46:02 I don't know who the fuck he is. Vance Joyce, yeah? Yeah, fucking love him. He's got, I can tell from your face. You should listen to Cigarette. You should enjoy Cigarette.
Starting point is 00:46:10 Yeah, but I've never understood music, and I will admit that's my problem, but it's so hard to get into music now because whenever I'm like, I like this song, people go, that's shit. I'm like, all right,
Starting point is 00:46:19 I just want to enjoy the thing I like then. I'll listen to your... I'm not a depressed person, right? I don't have anxiety and stuff. I understand music can speak to people. So if you're somebody who on, you know, inside you suffer from,
Starting point is 00:46:31 you know, you're going through a heartbreak or you've lost someone that you love, there are any of these number of things and you find a band that speaks to you. I would never, that's what you listen to because it makes you happy. It talks to you. Grant, fucking have that.
Starting point is 00:46:42 You're not unique by the way. It was a multi-planned, I'm selling album and you're singing in a stadium of 40,000 people you're the opposite of a snowflake
Starting point is 00:46:48 you're the most and I'm a muggle for saying that so I'm absolutely in the corner it's like when anybody goes through a breakup
Starting point is 00:46:54 or whatever because it's like you listen to it and everything speaks to you and you go oh that's exactly like it was mine
Starting point is 00:46:57 that's why it was so popular I don't want to listen to fucking music with deep lyrics I like to think I'm quite a deep
Starting point is 00:47:04 person I'm happy in my own head so I like to think I'm quite a deep person. I'm happy with my own head. So I like happy, upbeat fucking da-da-da-da-da. I don't even know what songs are about
Starting point is 00:47:10 most of the time. People are like, that's a really deep song. I'm like, is it? I still don't know what Mr. Brightside is about.
Starting point is 00:47:17 That's so funny. We were literally talking about Mr. Brightside last night because I played it on Jukebox. You know, Mr. Brightside has been
Starting point is 00:47:22 in the charts forever since it was released. Very important. It's never left the top 100. Incredible. Which is... It makes perfect sense.
Starting point is 00:47:30 It's a banger. It's a banger. And also, on this note, this is an opinion I've had for a while and feel free to credit me here.
Starting point is 00:47:36 How have we... Why are musicians cool? What do you mean? Because what part... No matter what type of fucking band you're in, to me, being a musician, and I'm sorry to say musicians out there, and I know I'm wrong here,
Starting point is 00:47:50 that's one of the lamest things in the world. You get your heart broken, so you go around a little pond. It's in the title, isn't it? Rock and roll. But it's not rock and roll. But it's perceived as this thing. And then every so often, a proper bad boy comes out,
Starting point is 00:48:08 and then everybody is tired is the wrong word, but it is what they are, tired with a certain image now, whether they be doing it. Even Ed Sheeran, apparently, is like... I like Ed Sheeran. But apparently, even he goes on. He seems like the most middle-of-the-road, boring, should-be-an-accountant guy like, boring, should be an accountant guy.
Starting point is 00:48:26 Right. But apparently he goes on vendors. Right. Massive, like, straight bottles of vodka vendors.
Starting point is 00:48:30 Yeah, he absolutely gets on it. But like, even with, So that's why it's cool. I think that's the reason. And then to be on stage, in a way,
Starting point is 00:48:38 comedians being on stage is perceived as a cool thing. Yeah, but I'm being on stage and I'm being, you know, funny talking about this stuff, like,
Starting point is 00:48:44 you don't stay singing about a time that God made you cry grow up if you're in a band to be in a band to me
Starting point is 00:48:53 all I can find is here's what it's like to be in a band you're in a band and you get
Starting point is 00:48:59 your heart broken by somebody which is obviously sad but there's a thousand ways to deal
Starting point is 00:49:04 with it which isn't writing a snidey song about it said the comedian who wrote Show About His Ex-Cuffin
Starting point is 00:49:09 yeah I'm seeing my hypocrisy here I feel like I might not talk for this part I was just
Starting point is 00:49:17 letting you go with this one but so you get your heart broken I've been about yeah were you yeah I've been
Starting point is 00:49:22 about I'll get onto this in a second I want to hear this so much you get your heart broken right I've heard about it. Were you? Yeah, I've heard about it. I'll get onto this in a second. I want to hear this so much. You get your heart broken, right? You go write a little fucking song about how sad your fucking little fucking heart is. Wah, wah, wah.
Starting point is 00:49:33 Then you get your mates come round to your house and you're like, Sarah broke my heart. Would you mind, like, when I sing this bit, would you all join in and we can all sing about my emotions together? How is that cool?
Starting point is 00:49:45 What part of you and four of your friends sitting and playing your fucking little recordings or whatever? Recorders? What music are you listening to? Even a fucking... Also, like rappers, right? No matter how baller
Starting point is 00:50:01 rappers claim to be, mate, you're singing like you've wrote a poem. Doesn't matter what beat you put down. You can act as baller rappers claim to be, mate, you're singing. Like, you've wrote a poem. Doesn't matter what beat you put down. You can act as baller as you want with all your fucking money, all your cars, whatever. At one point, you sat down and you wrote poetry.
Starting point is 00:50:15 You're not cool. It's not cool. Poetry is not cool. It's lame. I feel like you're getting that out of your chest. I also realize that in this I've become the muggle. Like I'm 100%
Starting point is 00:50:27 I'm 100% I feel like this this one should be called Daniel's in the corner. Yeah. I think you should go in the corner. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:50:34 No I can't. Don't go in the corner. We're doing a podcast. So tell me about your band. I did a band with Derek. Okay your friend Derek. Yeah yeah. Okay you dropped that
Starting point is 00:50:42 as if everyone was like oh Derek. Everybody knows Derek. Yeah I did a band with with him what was your band called Prufrock after a poem you were one R off
Starting point is 00:50:51 no it was P R U it's a character in a poem P P R U F R O C K okay Prufrock Prufrock
Starting point is 00:51:00 Prufrock yeah for about maybe four years. Did you just sing? Guitar and sing. You could play the guitar? Eh. Oh, no, I was in a band.
Starting point is 00:51:12 I could play the guitar, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't do, like, we had two other guitars in the band as well. Can you remember any of your songs? What are the names of one of them? One of them was called Pocket Sized. Okay, what was that about um it was about a girl
Starting point is 00:51:26 obviously obviously she was pocket sized in the song she was little tiny girl in the pocket um what was the other one
Starting point is 00:51:36 um one called Undefined Reality great name for a song so good name I cannot believe that you gave G-Tip
Starting point is 00:51:44 Gareth Ross so much shit for being a rapper yeah but I still respect him unlike you unlike you you don't expect
Starting point is 00:51:50 I mean roll poetry about living in a crib offshore what's the other one there's probably
Starting point is 00:51:58 I think we definitely wrote about 15 20 songs yeah and then we recorded a couple we recorded an EP
Starting point is 00:52:04 about 6 I think. The EP was called User Friendly. I mean, I like how you're being your own hype man. Just remember, I could insult you for all of the shit names that you've been coming up with. You're Donald Trumping yourself.
Starting point is 00:52:20 Right. Great name. One of the best names ever. I was actually the first person to use User-friendly. And it was such a momentous song. There was no such thing as an EP.
Starting point is 00:52:31 So your two songs were Pocket-sized and user-friendly. Was it always about phones? It was about your phone. Pocket-sized and user-friendly. I want to define reality. User-friendly is an MVP. Come on. There's another called Serato. Oh, sorry. Okay.
Starting point is 00:52:46 There's another one called Toronto. Toronto is another one. Did you ever, like, gig? Yeah, yeah. In front of audiences? No, no, just ourselves.
Starting point is 00:52:54 Of course, in front of audiences. Okay. I've never... I've known you for, what, eight years? We played in... Where did we play? We played in a place...
Starting point is 00:53:02 Aimee Doran's used to be, like, the big music venue. It was owned by Fun Lumber Criminals. And then we did our EP launch in Doyle's bar in Dublin. But then I started doing comedy, same time. And then it was period. But you never did musical comedy? No, no, no.
Starting point is 00:53:20 That's so... God, no, I would never do that. I would do that already. Yeah, you... God, no. I would never do that. I would do that for idiots. So yeah, and then it was basically then I genuinely made a choice and I was like right, it's unfair of me to go and be like, hey, could you come see me with this role in a band doing sad music
Starting point is 00:53:40 and then come see me and be like hey, everything's fine on the inside yeah that's why I stopped doing it I am fully in the corner
Starting point is 00:53:50 but I would like to point out the reason I attack other people's music is because I'm just so defensive about
Starting point is 00:53:55 my one because it gets attacked all the time I totally agree I think anybody can listen to anything
Starting point is 00:53:59 it shouldn't be because I listened to Bruno Mars when I arrived here but yesterday people like Elliot Because I listened to Bruno Mars when I arrived here. Yeah. But yesterday. But people like Elliot Stewart would be like,
Starting point is 00:54:09 Bruno Mars. Bruno Mars is probably one of the best musicians in the last 50 years. I mean, Nelson just exploded somewhere. Amazing. Oh, I know. He just won six Grammys. Can't argue with it. I mean, people do.
Starting point is 00:54:23 But they say people will. People will. I don't get Adele. I've listened to a bunch of her songs. But it's not for me. I would never criticize it. If listening to Adele, I don't know who you are. And also, Adele's music is not fucking made for me. If you're listening to Adele, it makes your day easier.
Starting point is 00:54:39 It makes you fucking happy. You enjoy it. I'm not going to take that away from you. And I hate the fact that people are trying to rob me of the things I like saying I have two of her albums up on Spotify
Starting point is 00:54:47 she's great she's got a fucking belting voice really good to run to yeah and neither does she oh what
Starting point is 00:54:56 what what you got slammed Adele yeah Adele how good is it that Adele
Starting point is 00:55:01 can you get slammed the reason I love Adele is because apparently I've got a friend that knows her and apparently she just regularly just drinks tinnies
Starting point is 00:55:09 in the street and I'm like baller I love that she's hands on stage yeah fucking she played
Starting point is 00:55:14 the biggest gig in Perth ever last year when I was over there in November I think it was and it was 82,000 people or something like that yeah and she's just
Starting point is 00:55:22 fucking baller I love that you know she doesn't care I think She's just fucking balling. I love that. You know, she doesn't care. I think there's nothing better than that. Yeah, I totally agree.
Starting point is 00:55:29 Yeah, if you criticize other people's music. Yeah, just let people, especially, especially unprovoked as well.
Starting point is 00:55:34 Yeah. You know what I mean? If you're having a discussion about music, you're fine. Oh, yes. If you're going, well, no,
Starting point is 00:55:39 this is why I don't like the blah, blah, blah. But if somebody goes, oh, I just listened to this new Bruno Mars album and you go, well, yeah, like you don't, because even though I don't like them, blah, blah, blah. But if somebody goes, oh, I just listened to this new Bruno Mars album, and you go, well, yeah,
Starting point is 00:55:46 like, you don't, because even though I don't, and music doesn't speak to me, I understand that it speaks to some people, and it would never, if that, and for some people,
Starting point is 00:55:54 it's a really good coping mechanism, right? There are songs that genuinely make them happier, and whatever. I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't rub that on someone. So what I'm saying is,
Starting point is 00:56:01 allow me to, like, fucking, Imagine Dragons, please. Allow me to fuck Imagine Dragons. Okay please we've not got time for one more so just your one was
Starting point is 00:56:12 yeah we'll do another one yeah oh dude we'll do one more no no we'll do another podcast oh yes okay
Starting point is 00:56:16 cool alright we should play starts well let's just plug shows first oh yeah so first of all
Starting point is 00:56:22 again thank you to everyone who came to my shows in Canberra, Brisbane and Adelaide. Melbourne I am doing this festival I start on Thursday
Starting point is 00:56:30 and I am on at 9.30 oh no I'm not I'm full of shit I am on at 9pm every day except for Sundays where I'm on 8pm Mondays I'm not on
Starting point is 00:56:43 and I'm at the Acme in Melbourne. So please come and see me there. Very nice. I'm doing two shows here in Melbourne, Warren. Best of Irish, or the full Irish, it's called. Yeah. 6.15 in Kix, the venue on Elizabeth Street.
Starting point is 00:56:59 Just selling really well, actually, so that's good. Nice. And a solo show in the Carlton on, you know, Brook Street? I do know Brook Street, yeah. Yeah, so it's there at 9.30. Is that more classic Stanley? That's more classic Stanley. More classic Stanley.
Starting point is 00:57:11 So every day except, no Mondays and Wednesdays. No Mondays and Wednesdays. No Mondays and Wednesdays. Oh, come on down and see us. Yeah, do. You want to start with your dad jokes? Your dad's hymen was broken on his wedding night. Your mum met your dad at a yard sale.
Starting point is 00:57:26 He was 10 euros but she haggled his previous owner down to 6. Your dad is a tender lover. Of course he was, he lost his hymen on his wedding night. He's lived and done it for a couple of years. Your dad eats bananas with a knife and fork. Your dad gets travel sick when he cycles a bike. When your mum's dad died, your dad learned how to play the world's smallest violin so he could perform at the wake. Your dad's middle name is Chipoo. Your dad's got two left eyes.
Starting point is 00:57:58 Your dad wasn't even invited to his own stag. Your dad runs around a football pitch blowing his whistle. He's not a referee, he's just got an irrational fear of men in shorts and he thinks they're all going to sexually assault him. his own stag. Your dad runs around a football pitch blowing his whistle. He's not a referee. He's just got an irrational fear of men in shorts and he thinks they're all going to sexually assault him.
Starting point is 00:58:09 Oh, well, they have to follow on. When he played football, your dad used to always make the joke, oh, I play left back in the dressing room. The irony was that
Starting point is 00:58:15 he never got his game. Your dad's got a tattoo of Eeyore on his inner thigh. Your dad recently met up with a guy from school. He used to bully him and acted real nice to his face, but then went home and cried into his pillow. Your dad recently met up with a guy from school. He used to bully him and acted real nice to his face, but then went home and cried into his pillow.
Starting point is 00:58:28 Your dad sleeps standing up like a pony. That's weird. Your dad can't drink craft beer as he can taste the alcohol. Your dad's banned from the racetracks for putting peanut butter on his balls and running the opposite direction than the rabbit. Your dad pronounces meme, me, me. I was trying to write that. I was genuinely trying to write that.
Starting point is 00:58:52 That's the one that made me laugh earlier. Your dad names his farts like hurricanes. Is that him? I'll go one more. Oh, yeah, okay. And your dad just isn't right until he's had his morning coffee. He's not.
Starting point is 00:59:04 He's just not he has a nice skinny latte alright thanks for listening to the podcast Cans and I'll catch you
Starting point is 00:59:13 in a couple of weeks bye

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