Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.32 Cream has another friend

Episode Date: April 6, 2018

Daniel is finally showing off his array of friends as his road takes him Muggins free through Australia. Here he is at it again keeping up his end of the Podcast, this time with the charasmatic yankee Alex Edelman. 

Sloss and Humphrey's on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! We're in the same seats.

That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental rent job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? What's up, Cans?

It's me, Daniel Sloss, back for another episode. I was sick of Cans saying I've got no friends, so I've now knocked out. This is my second podcast in as many days, and it's a brand new exciting guest. It's Alex Needleman. Hi. I'm only doing this because you paid me some money.

Yeah, yeah. I've got a... I'm getting a hard time on the podcast because apparently when I'm in America, I don't have any friends, so I don't do podcasts. That's not true, though. You were away. Yeah, I'm getting a hard time on the podcast because apparently when I'm in America I don't have any friends so I don't do podcasts. That's not true though.

You were away. Yeah, I was away. And Eric was away. So my only two friends were gone. Oh, that's, well what about Hammy and Mike?

Well, it's pretty much a comedy friend. Yeah, yeah, comedians, yeah. Even though we have had a couple guests on who

aren't Kyle's best friend, Matty, we just bring him on the podcast. Is he hilarious? He is very funny. And we just say horrible,

horrible things about him. And he's got to sort of fill up with it. Perfect. Um, yeah. So we're both in Melbourne. I got off a plane less than two hours, about two hours ago.

Are you, do you get jet lag? Do you do a lot? I'm so fucking jet lag. But I mean, like it's one of those things where like, if you can't power through in three or four days, fuck you.

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like what I just did was a very muggly question that's the one that's the second you go are you jet lagged it's like first of all i've been off the plane for one hour i have no idea i have no idea i have no idea you know you travel more than i do man you travel you travel just professional yeah i tend not to get a jet lag though because what i always do is i'll look at what time i land right so if i landed like seven in the morning i'm like right so i need to sleep on the plane and i've got no problem sleeping on planes for two reasons one i've trained my body to just like associate planes with sleep sure and two i drink like a goddamn fucking i just told you yeah so i told you the

one i don't get drunk much but like before i got on the plane here's the thing i have i have enough points that i can like get into a or i'm in a status with some airlines where I can just get into the business lounge automatically. What I always do is try the first class lounge just in case someone is not paying attention. So I was walking into the first class lounge and there were – just was like saw me and lots of you recognized me. It was like, you're good. You're good. Like didn't even check my ticket. So while I'm in the first class lounge, I ordered an old fashioned and then another old fashioned because our plane was delayed.

And then the guy was like, need to try a gin martini. And I drank it. And he went, that was vodka. This is a gin martini. Enjoy this. And then when I was finished, he was like, wait, wait, wait. We have a 40-year-old bottle of Lagavulin scotch. If you don't try it, you're out of your mind.

So I had like not just five different drinks. I had so many. I've been mixing. And a little bit of an edible. So I'm sitting there on the plane. I felt bad for the people sitting around me because I kept trying to shut my window, the shade on my window. I was doing it for literally five minutes. I'm like, why can't I shut the shade?

And then this guy from another row got up, walked and he went it's a button there's a button oh man i wish you'd watch that guy just him just getting so frustrated like he's clearly just been watching you do it he's like there's a button like his wife's there she's like dude just don't he's not i've got to tell him i've got to tell just ignore him just i can't i can't ask for help it's just the guy in front of me was like i'm just not getting relaxed out of the window so i'm just stroking the top of the window and trying to pull it down and just everyone around me he was a hero on the plane that's like when in public if somebody tells somebody who's being it down and just everyone around me. See, like just, yeah.

He was a hero on the plane. That's like when in public, if somebody tells somebody who's being rude to like shut the fuck up or whatever, and I was like, great. That, that guy was the hero in that situation. The best thing I've ever seen in an airplane. Do we have time for this? Yeah, of course. So the best thing I've ever seen in an airplane was a few months ago, I was on this plane. It was like London to somewhere, London maybe to New York.

And it was one of those things where first class or business class ended at row eight and economy started in row 11. Yeah. So someone had said to them when they got on the plane, these people,

she got, oh, you're two seats behind, you're two seats behind row eight or you guys are in row 10. So she just looked at the ticket and went, they're in row 10 because she just saw them as two seats behind row eight or you guys are in row 10. So she just looked at the ticket and went, they're in row 10 because she just saw them

as two seats behind. And they got to it and even though their tickets were clearly said like 13 or whatever, they looked and the number that the woman had said to them

was between eight and 11. So they're like, oh, well, she just must be in row eight, the last row of business class. Of course, that's what she meant.

So they sat down even though they very clearly not. And like, you could tell that they don't belong there because i was in primitive economy and i could see them like behaving a certain way just like yeah the way i do whenever i get upgraded yeah it's happened very few times the first time i got even bring the economy to me was an upgrade i was like oh my god yeah i'm a prince you're just touching everything and like except except for the shut the window fucking but of course she's over the jack because you're blitzed but like the woman comes over and she goes or the stewardess comes over and she goes you guys aren't sitting here you're in row 13 so the two women who had upgraded themselves get up and they walk back initially with no protest

and then they realize what a downgrade it's been, and they're like, no, no, we're going to make some travel. They lived the life for three minutes and then became entitled to it that quickly. Exactly. It's like, the grass is greener. I've tasted the next one. I can't go back. We're there for three and a half. Excuse me, we belong in Elysium? I've sat in the chair

now. It's memory foam. Come on. It's mine. It remembers. Yeah, exactly. So she starts making a fight and then another issue arises which is they've opened their blankets and they don't have extra blankets on the plane. So what's going to happen to these two? So the stewardesses are

both holding blankets and they're standing there genuinely not knowing what to do. Wait, they don't have spare blankets for a person? Maybe business class don't have spare blankets for a business class. Maybe business class don't spill. Maybe that's the thing. They didn't have spare, yeah, they had no spare blankets or maybe there were supposed

to be spare blankets on the plane. So then we start getting delayed. We're delayed by 20 minutes. And someone in premium economy goes, I bet this is because of, I bet this is because of the blanket situation. They're waiting to restock our plane with more blankets. I bet this is because of the blanket situation. They're waiting to restock our plane with more blankets.

So now everyone's angry at these two women because they're sitting in premium economy, but they're loudly protesting. So economy starts, like, picking a side, basically, because one of those things in premium economy is just the rows ahead of economy. So economy is picking a side. Business class is picking a side. The two sections of the plane are fucking yelling at each other. Just going, 30 years. No, 30 years. No, but the economy was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

They should be upgraded. They definitely should be upgraded. And then, meanwhile, business class is like, fuck that. We don't want that scum down here. No, business class was like, yes, business class was like, we don't want that scum. And economy was like, fuck you. This is a class issue. And like two of us belong up there because they were told the wrong number. I mean their tickets didn't say the number.

Yeah. So that's a small mistake but not one that there's any retribution for. So there's a separate crisis brewing, which is that the stewardesses are also upset about the delay. They have no idea why they're being delayed. No one has told them anything. And one of them thinks it's because of the thing with the blankets because now the blankets are open. So one of them says loudly enough for, like, the passengers to hear, like, why don't we just use the blankets? Why don't we just give the blankets back?

Or, like, why don't we just, like, leave the blankets there in case, you know, like, that's acceptable enough, right? Yeah, who gives a shit? They've just been touched. They've not been spilled on yeah exactly and but the two passengers sitting there go no no we want these blankets and there are two empty seats anyway so like why don't we just take those blankets and they're like you can't take blankets we need enough blankets and like it's our policy that we have to have enough blankets now so like we need to wait a little bit yeah so one steward starts loudly complaining

about how his boss has handled it and all of us are like you shouldn't be like to the passenger's like can you believe this fucking idiot who's my boss yeah and also behind me on this enclosed vessel who hears him the boss comes over and he bitches him out in front of us and all of a sudden everyone is like invested in this drama like it's totally encompassed the entire plane. Because it's the only thing on at this point I'm assuming. Oh yeah there's no the entertainment systems aren't yet. There's one black woman narrating the entire

thing basically like as it's happening she's like I remember when that guy was complaining I just remember her going he should not be complaining and then the boss came up and she went oh shit so then the boss there up and she went, oh shit! So the boss steward is bitching out the plan that's ended.

Just meanwhile, the world's greatest running commentary. I'm enjoying the whole thing and I'm also trying to start some shit because premium economy is in the middle, so they're not business class, but they're not economy, so the opinions are mixed and I'm starting to lobby for... It's literal class where it's the Tordy's versus the Labour Post. Lefty's in the middle are mixed. And I'm starting to like lobby. It's literal class words.

The Tordes versus the labor post. All the lefties in the middle just being like, I hear points and points. Yeah, absolutely. I can hear from the upper classes. You don't want to be saddled with the lower classes. But it would be nice if the lower classes represented in the upper classes. And like also all of us were hoping like we hope the compromise here is a premium economy. Then this is what ratchets it up.

We just see a woman, a female flight attendant, comes steaming down the aisle from business class. And she stops right in front of the two girls, the two passengers. And she goes, where are the toiletry kits? And the two girls, like, pull out the toiletry kits and business class. They're like, like oh you mean these like you know the toilet gets to get to

business class and they open up the toilet and the woman's like don't you dare don't you dare and the black woman's like exploding

don't you dare she's like oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god and she goes don't you dare and they start like

opening stuff and the toilet trees gets and like they had it brushing their teeth they genuinely all of a sudden went like this had her knees on the seat start like opening stuff in the toiletries kits and like brushing their teeth and stuff. They genuinely all of a sudden

went like this, had her knees on the seat, was like leaning back looking towards economy and brushing her teeth. People in economy are cheering at this point. They're like yes, these are our people! Represent! Yeah, exactly. It was one of the trashiest things I've ever seen. It was the most petty.

Just barely brushing your fucking teeth. The woman across the aisle from these two people in premium economy is vocally anti-them. She's like, you're disgusting. Sit down. Shut up. Like, to the point where we were like sort of on the girl's side for a minute. Then they get the blankets on the plane. The stewardess does.

The one who got bitched out by her boss. Yeah. Or the guy. I'm sorry. does. The one who got bitched out by her boss. Yeah. Or the guy. Sorry. It was a guy who got bitched out by his boss. But the stewardess who challenges them at the toiletries. Sorry. That was fun.

She gets on the intercom. And I've never seen this. This ends it. But it. We went bananas. She upgrades. To those two empty seats in business class. The two women sitting across the aisle

from the two ladies who had upgraded themselves. It was a spite upgrade. She upgraded herself. And I just remember the black woman going, Oh! Just like, Oh! And not just the rest of the flight. The whole plane erupted.

It was like, we couldn't believe what had just happened in front of us. And like... How did the teeth brushers deal with this? They settled down in exchange for the blankets they had ruined in business class. So they sat in regular economy, each holding in business class. So they sat and were in the economy, each holding a business class blanket, and agreed to be quiet for the rest of the flight. But they were like little heroes for the rest

of the flight. Every 20 minutes, someone would come up and be like, hey, what happened back there? We were hearing it in the back of the plane, but what really happened? And of course, they would lie and revise histories, and by the end of the flight, we hated them. I was getting a pedicure at the back of the bus, and they rudely moved me. My father works in law yes but they were saying stuff like that like these were like big big like one was a woman and the other like a larger heavyset woman the other

was her daughter with like a real pinched face and they were just like the embodiment of like white privilege just like you know if we were sat like the kindiment of like white privilege. Just like, you know, if we were sat, like the kind of people who would put their feet up with no shoes on the tray table. Or the girls that put their hair over the back of the seat so it goes out in front of your fucking. Oh, God. Like people are trying to watch that and you're just like, why does this tiny theater have a fucking curtain? Like just her hair. Oh, my God. It's the worst.

But you know what's so funny though? Because it was so weird because it was like a microcosm of America a little bit. People who didn't feel strongly about the gals were polarized by other people being like,

hey, what do you think? They're like, well, I kind of see the girl's point. Well, then you're fucking idiots because they insult them. They're like, no, no, we're really

team gals at this point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now you force me to double down. It was crazy. It took like an hour for us to get up. I didn't even register that we were delayed.

I just registered this ridiculous amount of class warfare happening in front of me. It was crazy. Sorry, that was a long No, no, no. Good fucking story

but I've never and also this podcast is largely just talking shit. Sure, sure. That's why we get high for it and you know trust me you should listen

to some of the episodes these poor cunts had to listen to. We did one in Amsterdam apparently with me and Kyle. We're so stood. We thought it was the

funniest thing we've ever done. Apparently it was just unintelligible. We released the podcast and people were like, we have international fans from Estonia and

New York and stuff. They're like, no idea what any of you were saying. That's so funny. I'm going to bring up, I've got a couple of things. Sure, sure.

First of all, congratulations on joining the Conan Club. Thank you. It's so funny. It's like I feel like Jerry Seinfeld. It's like, hey, you got a guest episode of Seinfeld. Good for you. You're like, oh, you mean the thing that bears your name? Yeah.

But you know what? I really genuinely think that – I thought your show was great on it. Thanks, man. It was – the nicest thing about it – there were three really nice things about it. One, the guy who books at J.P. Buck. It's just the greatest man on the planet. As well as you very much well know, his taste in comedy is impeccable.

So it's really awesome to do Conan, but it's also cool to get the stamp of approval from that guy. And also all the people that have done it before and all the people, especially in your generation, who have done it before. Like I think of myself in terms of like you and Andrew Santino and other young guys who have done Conan. So it was really amazing. The third best thing was Conan and I are from the same hometown. So he was so freaking nice to me. He was so nice. And he came over and they left his reaction in the clip online,

which I like when he kind of came over at the end of my set. And I got a DM from someone saying that like it was a gift from the Conan people to me basically. Yeah. His reaction. He was so nice and he was so effusive. It was so cool. First time I did it, if you watch the end of the video, when he comes over to me,

there's genuine shock in his voice about how well I did. He was like, that was great! He thought I was going to... He was like, that was great! I think they must have so many guests on that networks make him have for PR, so whenever good comedy happens in front of him, he's like,

oh my god, yeah! And he's mastered it, the comedy. I whenever like, good comedy happens in front of him, he's like, oh my God, yeah. And he's mastered the comedy. I did like, that was my one joyous moment of trolling you this year. Did you know, on your Facebook, you did a really nice

and sincere post about like, oh, this was a dream come true. I was on Conan tonight. You can watch the thing. I was really, being opposed, and then just underneath,

I just wrote eight. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I've done it eight times. I love just watching the likes come in just to see who understood the dick. Because it looks like I've just done a little typo, but I'm actually being a giant arsehole. No, no, no. It's so funny because I didn't want to post anything because I feel like that is

it won't count as my muggle corner, but that is a bit of a muggle move. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, for comedians to post something they're doing in a sort of subtle way. Like, I'm an absolute muggle for that. But whenever I did Conan for the first time, I just took a photo of my name on the Conan sign. But that's what I put up.

I put up my name on the Conan sign. I'm like, I'm trying to pretend this isn't a big deal. You undersell it all the time. It's like, so Ian Ian Sterling one of our fucking good friends is amazing he's doing the Hammersmith Apollo

right which is fucking huge for the Apollo or something no no for his own show for his own solo show oh my god yeah yeah

well that's Love Island isn't it yeah so it's Love Island it's always been so funny yeah and every post he's done

is absolutely just been like just gonna try and fill out this little thing. And it's like, because you've got to sometimes at this job, undercut. You stop at a grandizing. Yeah, that's a humble brag is the worst kind of brag.

Yeah, yeah. That's why I always go for earnest now instead of being like, well, I can't believe I'm going to have to try to kill on Conan where many of my friends have also. I just go full arrogant. Yeah, you do. I hate full humbleness, and I hate real genuine humbleness. I'm just like, have also like it's i just go full i go full arrogant i think it's yeah you do i hate i hate

full humbleness and i hate real genuine humbleness i'm just like just act like conor mcgregor 24 hours a day a hundred percent i'm so into that because like yeah that's the fucking uh i just see i get so sick of like there's a type of comedy that's happening which is good right there's not even besmirching it in any way but just one thing that really annoys me about a lot of comedians just going on and acting beta right i've been like i'm a beta i'm a beta i'm like no comedian regardless of fucking gender or anything is better you are standing on stage you're standing on stage but there's a whole bunch of comedians uh you know like that sort of that sort of like you know you know it's worse When people go – well, I really dislike the word awkward. Everyone in that room is listening to just you.

Even if you're shy and bashful, in that moment, you're not fun. You've got all those people to sit and face in the same direction for you. Oh, if you're getting heckled, then yes, you're beta in those situations. No, no. But hold on. When someone goes, I'm a beta, that's – that always – it's always – because like I don't think there's anything wrong with being a beta. But self-identifying as a beta to me feels like wrong because like a beta is someone who – let's say this kindly about someone who's classically defined as a beta. There's someone who is like not the most physically fit person

and perhaps spent more time playing Dungeons and Dragons than working out. I'm just using the most basic example. Yeah, Elliot was too. What you're supposed to do is, the reason you're supposed to do that isn't because you think,

I'm a beta, so I'll do beta shit. You're supposed to think, my priorities are flipped versus other people. So you're supposed to think, I'm an alpha. But the things that I choose to do aren't jock stuff. They're like fucking, you know, classic nerd shit. But fucking, yeah, I play fucking stupid games. I play Fortnite constantly. It's a super little game I play.

Even in little cards. Like, we've got little games. I play Fortnite constantly. Sure, sure. It's a super low game I play. Even in low cards. Like, we've got low cards. We've got double. I go alpha in those situations. Sure, but you're definitely an alpha. But like, those people, no one should ever go, I'm a beta. They should go, I'm an alpha with different priorities. Yeah, absolutely.

So like, whenever anyone goes, I'm a beta, they're lying to you. Because no one thinks they're a beta. It's like thinking you're the like everyone thinks so that unless you live in north korea you think you're the center of your own universe yeah yeah so like a beta is someone saying i'm a background player in my own universe that's not fucking happening like we're not in packs anymore there isn't a fucking leader like you know it just yeah i just find it so very very weird yeah well on the topic of a comedy i want, I'm going to do what I imagine happens to you all of the time. Anytime something Jewish comes up in the newspaper,

it's a comedian. Yeah, of course. Of course. But we'll get a Jewish perspective. So, Count Dankula. So for the listeners that don't know what's happening overseas, this guy posted a video online of basically, he was like, my girlfriend loves her dog.

She thinks it's the sweetest thing in the entire world. So he then taught it to raise its hand like a little sea Kyle and then, uh, would say gas the Jews. And then the pug would do the sea Kyle. Now it's, he, his,

his claim is, you know, that it was a joke. It went viral. People complain, but he's not being, he's been found guilty of hate speech or some shit like that and they're going to recommend some sort of like custodial sentence yeah yeah he might go to prison

for this now as a comedian uh for me look i look that for me is one of the jokes that you just don't go out there i'm not saying i've not said horrific things in my whatsapp group specifically in front of people i know i know i can't't shock my friends. Sure, you and I do, you make jokes about my Judaism all the time. All the time. I would never say, I would never say that because in public it would be me condoning it. I know this is about to be a big but, though. Your but is, your but is that

it's a joke and no one should go to jail for a joke, right? Well, I mean, yes. Yes. Alright, well, let me say this. I think you should go to jail because i think all youtube comedians should spend some time in prison yeah but that's just where they've got to stream it's fucking ridiculous he shouldn't be first of all it's not a great joke if it was a really good joke what he would do is buy a little hitler outfit for the thing and then say sieg

heil and then just like yeah then just have it because then it's then he's doubled down. Here's the thing. I, but I also like, I laugh at the idea of like a pug doing it and I'm not like, here's the thing. I'm not offended by the joke, but even if the joke was offensive, that's still not

a criminal offense. There is a genuinely hateful comic on the planet. His name is Doudanet. He's French. And he's got this little... You know how Dane Cook has that, like, Sufi gesture? You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah, sure. He's got a

gesture that's a downwards... That's like a downwards... It's an inverted Nazi salute. Oh, okay. So, like... So, it's the other half of the dab. It's the other half of the dab, yeah. It's the dab without the outstretched arm. But like, Nicolas Anelka, you know the French football player? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He used to play for Chelsea.

I know this. So he did the salute. He did it as a goal celebration, and he got suspended for like a whole bunch of games. Because, you know. But in that situation, I don't feel like that was a joke. No, no. No. It's a comic who also does hate speech, dude, and he's been,

not in prison, but he's been convicted and fined for it a bunch of times. So jokes can be hate speech. But that thing with the pug, that's a joke. That's clearly just a joke. And the joke is that it's slightly offensive.

Yeah, the joke is it's an adorable pug. It's the juxtaposition. It's an adorable plug. I'm going to teach it to do the worst possible thing. I do think he could have chosen much better language to use. And I think there should be absolute ramifications because you have to be held accountable for your jokes, but not to a criminal degree. No. Like if I was to make a horrible joke, I would, let's say I'd fucking misread the room or something like that.

And I just, I think I something like that and i just i think i'm being clever and i just i just get it wrong what's happened before can i ask your question have you ever genuinely crossed the line not like in terms of like offensiveness but in terms of offensiveness that was hacky that when you finished it you're like you know i wish i hadn't said that do you know what i mean yeah yes your jokes in your past you're like i wouldn't do that now yeah there's plenty of jokes in my past that i're like, I wouldn't do that now. Yeah, there's plenty of jokes in my past that I just, yeah, wouldn't do anymore.

And there's also been times when I've definitely said, it's not only with hecklers, just like, because I hate hecklers so much, I'll just say the worst possible thing. I love that Chappelle joke

about Michael Richards. Which was a? He goes, as a black man, I was offended by him saying the N word a bunch, but as a comic, I was like,

damn, he's having a rough set. Hang in there, Kramer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard a bunch but as a comic I was like damn he's having a rough set. Hang in there Kramer. That was it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just there's so many things that I have said. The thing is he made it public

so I think there should be ramifications in the sense that yeah he should deal with the consequences of it if he is a comedian he doesn't fucking get booked by certain things.

Sure he probably shouldn't be allowed on not shouldn't be allowed on YouTube but like I don't think he was massively famous anyway. I don't think he was massively famous anyway. I think he was. And also, apparently he is also, I've not read too much up on this just because I got bored by the conversation instantly.

Yeah. Apparently he is apparently a big alt-right boy. Sure. But even then, I would much rather, look, you don't silence people I disagree with. Allow me to argue with them. Sure. I also feel like, there are a whole bunch of things that bother me about this. One of them is that this is an easy hill for us to die on.

Do you know what I mean? I don't think it takes that much bravery for us to be like jokes shouldn't – you shouldn't go to prison for a joke. Yeah, yeah. So a lot of people are using it on both the left and the right are using it as easy points for righteousness. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so a lot of people are using it, on both the left and the right, are using it as easy points for righteousness. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Self-grandization.

They shouldn't go to jail. You know, like, on the other hand, I've seen comedians, and this surprises me, who, who seem to be like, yeah, he should go to jail.

And in my opinion, it's a very clear-cut issue that he shouldn't so like any community that's doing that is just what it's going to be one of those social justice or just shit comedians like i think they'll be the ones that just like you know they don't like offensive comedy which is absolutely fine uh and they don't like you know they don't like certain stuff but yeah it's the social justice one's been like no there should be consequences and you go absolutely but it's the social justice one being like, no, there should be consequences. And you go,

absolutely. But it's not jail time. You can't. Of course not. The government can't. Socially, we can punish him. Socially, we can punish him by, you know, the way he has been. Like, he was fucking hounded. He got fucking abuse and death threats, which I don't condone. But like, that's still a consequence of his actions. Sure. Yeah, that's right.

You say it's a shame. Yeah, yeah. Look, yeah. His name is going to be tarnished for the rest of his fucking life. his actions. Sure, yeah, that's right. You say tons of shit. Yeah, yeah, look, yeah, and I, you know, his name is going to be tarnished for the rest of his fucking life. And, uh...

Unless he becomes a free speech hero, which I would rather he not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I'm sure there's some people who are like,

we have Count Dankula from the, like, from the... But yeah, you're right. Yeah, yeah, because now he's going to become a, like, if he gets out, he's going to become

a fucking spokesperson and if he is, alt-right, like some people claim again I'm not saying he's is or isn't I just haven't fucking read enough

here sure sure but yeah I don't want him to fucking become like if he is I don't want him to become

Katie Hopkins I don't want to fucking watch this cunt on a celebrity I can't imagine how annoying it's going to be

if he has like a second act like oh yeah like if he I'm sure he worked at like a car phone warehouse or something

like that and now he's like now he's like a public figure he's like it's so funny because like I think Julian he worked at like a car phone warehouse or something like that and now he's like – now he's like a public figure. He's like – it's so funny because like I think Julian Assange is like – has done some like genuinely heroic stuff. But I look at him and I'm like, oh, this guy is just a real piece of shit and I'm so annoyed that he is the guy that we have to be like, oh, thank you for exposing some like stuff the government wanted to keep quiet. But being sort of like creepy. And with this guy, I don't –. But being sort of creepy about it. And with this guy, I've never heard of him before this.

So he might be the nicest man in the world. He might not be. I've got no opinion on that. I think he's probably not the nicest man in the world, but I also bet that he's probably not the fucking supervillain. Yeah. Yeah, it's probably – yeah. Probably just a dumb guy who – like he's doing his open mic comedian with slightly... You've been to open mics where, like... It's where the comedians, what they've done is they've watched Jim Jefferies and...

Bill Burr. And Stan Hope and stuff. And they've heard these comedians talk about such, like, sexual assault and prostitutes and murder and death and stuff. And even... Because those comedians talk about intelligently all these dumb open spots here is that oh, rape is a punchline and then I killed her as a punchline. But there's a reason for that.

They're not as intelligent about it because they missed the actual mark. But I don't even know that that's just that. It's also that comedy is so much... And a lot of your comedy in particular, by the way, is about generating tension and then relieving it. And if you do it really well, people who really know comedy, like the jokes about your sister, people go, wow, it's great that he's built the tension and then he's relieved it in an

expert way that doesn't make you feel like he built the tension artificially. You know what I mean? So open spots don't understand that. They just know how to build the tension, but they don't necessarily know how to relieve it, which is why you go to see an open mic in London or New York or Los Angeles. And it's just people making rape jokes without ever really figuring out how to skillfully talk about it in a unique and fresh way. So like, yeah,

I think this guy's a fucking YouTube open spot. He was like, Oh, I'll do a thing that's like edgy and funny and weird, but he doesn't know how to like, like I looked at that video and I was like, I can make this so much funnier

with like 15 to 20 minutes of just chat. All I needed was another couple of takes. Yeah, it's probably hard to get a Nazi pug uniform, but you can find them online. Oh, Meg, honestly, nowadays I was just like to do,

that's the thing, RC Max has definitely gone out. I always think one day I might learn how to sew or stitch and stuff. Make your own Nazi pug thing. I'm not specifically doing it for that. It's not like I watched that video and was like, there's a hole in the market!

It's like, I'm not! You're really driving the protest because six to eight months from now you really want people taking photos of your Nazi pug uniform? Absolutely. I want it to be viral in the sense that I want to, like, the week before Halloween, I just make a fucking killing

people are just going they're dressing up as him they're dressing the dog up here's my question like what a stupid world we live in where you have to be like do you defend

Count Dankula like oh yeah there's again she's like yeah yeah it's just gonna be a shit conversation

after a while I don't think you should Lenny Bruce George Carlin. Constacula TV. Yeah. Oh, God. And just before we move on to my recorder,

a genuinely interesting thing. You went to the Korean Olympics. Yeah, I went to the fucking Olympics. Because you're fucking... So first of all, I've got so many questions about Korea itself, but then also let's get the story out. Your younger brother.

Yeah, AJ. AJ was competing for Israel in the Skeleton Bobsleigh. Which is terrifying, by the way, to watch. Oh, I can't imagine. They're going at like 82 miles an hour. 82, 85, sometimes 90 miles an hour. I just hit this thing where there's brakes. Head first.

No brakes. No brakes. There there's brakes. Head first. No brakes. No brakes. The brakes are, at the end, it goes slightly uphill and you just sort of, like, coast to a stop. Jesus. I mean, like, I can't imagine doing it would terrify me. Imagine this. I'll say this because he's finished with the sport, so I feel super comfortable saying it in public.

I'm really impressed that he made it for one reason, which is, it is the fucking dirtiest sport I've ever heard of. In the sense that the top athletes. That's actually, they've come for us. They just kicked out the door. They're like, if you want to dress up in the fucking uniform. You said gas the Jews.

I was in context, but we don't take context anymore. No context. It's a dirty sport and people they cheat like madmen. How do you cheat? That's 100% equipment. Is it?

So much of it is equipment based. So people cryogenically freeze the blades to make them more resistant to the ice and people rub their runners with glycerin so that it doesn't get wet. It's a really dirty

sport. And the guy who... You're not allowed to do any of that. It's all meant to be... You're not. It's so funny. You're allowed to do certain things but you're not allowed to do other things. It seems to arbitrarily change from race to race. Yeah. But it's not... By race you mean the seems to arbitrarily change from race to race. Yeah. But it's not crazy. By race, you mean the type of race, not the color of people's skin. The color.

Well, yeah. If you're black, you're not allowed to do anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Though they did do a movie about it. Yes. Although it's so weird because, like, it's also odd to see these people, including my brother, by the way, competing for countries that they're not from. Yeah, so you're...

My brother lives in Israel, and he loves Israel, and it's a big part of his thing. He wouldn't do it if someone was like, hey, you can automatically make it if you compete for this country. He would never do that. He just does it because he loves Israel. He couldn't make the U.S. team,

but if you gave him a choice between the two countries who he'd like to represent, I think for him, Israel's a bigger thing because he's a much more culturally conscious Jew than I, I have my own issues with that. But like, um,

it's weird to like, you meet the guy from Italy and he's just like a cop from New Jersey. He just really wants to make the Olympics. And like, he knows you can't get in the American team. So yeah. So he goes to Italy or like the guy from Ghana, a quasi frimpong had like never been to Ghana before he was like named their skeleton athlete.

And like he made a really big deal out of it. And like – He's like, Dan, that's where my heart is. Point to it on a map. Yeah. I genuinely thought – I genuinely wish that would be one of the questions. Be like, can you point out Ghana on a map of Africa? And he'll be like, oh, yeah.

No, I know it's in Africa. I'm like – Yeah, no. He actually thinks Africa is a country. Yeah, no, I know it's in Africa. Yeah. No, he actually thinks Africa is a country. Yeah. He's like, it's in West Africa. It's North and West Africa.

But like he came in, he was like 125th in the world and automatically qualified for the Olympics. Like, like your brother had to go through. My brother had to, I was going to say the audition process. That's how in Hollywood. Yeah.

Yeah. Did he audition? He turns up with the casting. He did audition. He just pretends. He did auditions. I'd say the audition process. That's how in Hollywood I am. Yeah, yeah. Did he audition? He turns up with the cast? He did audition. He just pretends? He did audition. Qualify. I'd say the entire qualification process is one big Harvey Weinstein.

And it's like, you spend a lot of money, and you definitely, there's some rape going on. It's like a really bad, I feel really bad for a lot of these athletes, because for, let me say this real quick, sorry olympics is all about expectations so there are some people who go into the olympics in any given event only about like six to eight people can really win yeah like in figure skating only six people can win because if you don't land quads, you won't win a medal. And only like six to eight people on the planet can do a quad. What's a quad? Like a quadruple jump. Oh, right.

Jump and spin four times and then land, which is crazy. And only a few people on the planet have the strength to do it. So like same with skeleton. There are only a few people who can actually win. And in the last three Olympics, the winner is always the person from the country hosting the Olympics. Any reason to guess why? They've got the most money to spend on equipment? No.

They've done the course so many times. Oh. So, like, this year, the guy who won was a South Korean. And four years ago, the person who won was the Russian because it was in Sochi. And four years before that, the person who won was Canadian because it was in Vancouver. So like they'll have literally like 1,500, 1,600 runs on the track and every other Olympian is only allowed to start training when the Olympics begin. So, you know. And then you're in a fucking queue.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So like and the South Koreans don't even practice during the practice days to the Olympics because they don't want everyone to see how they run the course. Okay, because they've done it for so long. I mean, how much... Because for me, Bob's like, it's one of the

many things I don't... I watch her and it's very fascinating to watch. But I'm just like, I don't see how you get good at it. What control do you have over the thing? Other than holding on and not screaming. It's 90 90 pushing like that start at the run where you run and like uh you know you know where like all the little frozen dips are on the course on the way down that's called piloting your sled and that's not easy but like so you're shifting your weight you shift your way you lean into a thing you where you start based on like how high you let yourself go in a turn.

Like, yeah, it's all about body control. And keep in mind, these guys have to keep their legs lifted the entire time and their head pointed straight. Oh, yeah. I can imagine it's an excellent fucking core workout. It is the most ridiculous core workout. Is your brother just ripped? He's so ripped. But he had to change

the way he was ripped because he was ripped before he started. He's always been like a fitness guy but he was upper body ripped like most douchebags. So like,

he had to redistribute that weight to his legs so that he could become like a bit of a sprinter. A lot of them are former sprinters. I did a bit of like fucking,

it was the timer, the sound timer. The hourglass? Yeah, hourglass. He had to do that to himself. He genuinely did. He had to totally redistribute his weight to like here, here, nothing up here. So like it's so weird to watch him do it and like – what was I saying?

Also, the qualification process is genuinely crazy. There's strategy and numbers and events that are worth different points. You go to the events based on who else is going to be there and how many points you think you're going to be able to get. There's so much paperwork. The dude who qualified after AJ was this guy Jeff from Luxembourg. The famous Luxembourgian name.

Yeah, Jeff. You know Jeff. You know Jeff. Luxembourg forgot to send Jeff's paperwork and accept the Olympic spot. So it went to another guy. Oh, from? From Jamaica.

Oh. From Jamaica who had never left New Jersey before. Yeah, of course. So you get far enough down the list. But how gutted would you be if you're that guy you spent tens of thousands of dollars doing nothing and you've been offered the spot they said you're going

to the Olympics you have told your friends and family because you've qualified they booked flights yeah they've qualified for the Olympics

and then the Olympics goes bad news no one accepted the spot when it was offered to you so you don't get to go to the Olympics

oh fucking hell and what is South Korea like it's crazy and did you meet any North Koreans offered to you so you don't get to go to the olympics oh fucking hell and what what is a south korea like it's crazy and did you meet any north koreans were they allowed yes i met some north koreans this was nuts i'll show you some photos and some video after after this so here's what the south koreans think they could give less of a fuck about the North Koreans. And to be honest, they think we're a bit obsessed with it and they wish we'd let it go.

Oh really? They find our obsession with North Korea. Just like genuinely odd. You know why? Cause North Korea doesn't bother South Koreans for the most part. They think of them as really irritating and truly evil. But like, you know,

60 years ago, the countries were split. So for, you know 60 years ago the countries were split so for you know so people probably there are people still alive in korea who remember being united with their families but they're over 60 yeah so the younger generation is like we don't care they don't often like poison south koreans or shoot at us across the border so like unless you're like crazy conservative you never think about it they're never really threatened by a missile because South Korea and North Korea are so close together that if they bombed Seoul, then Seoul would – like it would still hurt North Korea. Yeah, yeah. You can't talk about atomic war in countries that small because the radiation of a whole lot more.

Exactly. They're sort of – it's like they're inside the punch radius of a really beefy guy so they don't understand why like everyone else is so threatened by him yeah they do they did get really pissed when north korea and south korea announced that they were going to do some olympic teams together oh really they weren't fond of that well they were like they're taking credit they're like we don't need to make nice now why are we doing this like this is our olympics which is it's the o Olympics just being like, go play with your brother. But mom, I want to play with my brother.

My friends are over. Go play with your brother. Exactly that. Nobody doesn't know the... Let him play the PlayStation. He doesn't know the buttons. Yeah. It's my PlayStation. No, it's your PlayStation. Oh, just... But that's... I do get the point because it was built

as the... First of all, they built the entire city for the Olympics. It's bullshit. Which is weird because you imagine North Koreans are very good at manual labor. Like, the fee is way down. They should have just – They should have had North Korea build the thing. They built a $3 billion train from Seoul just to get to this place. has a three billion dollar train from seoul just to get to this place and it's so funny because some of it was so new and then everything else was just like this is a mountain town that should

not have had anything going for it it's like it's like they picked a random place or like that's cold that's a cold part we should have a winter olympics there they had a summer olympic 60 miles away yeah in 1988 so it's like it was so weird they could have reused it? They thought about it. They thought about having an Olympic village in Seoul, but the Olympians rebelled. They're like, we're not having an Olympic village that's 60 miles away. As it was, it was still, or 600 miles away. As it was, it was still very hard to get from place to place. It's like any fucking event, Dan.

You've been to like these, like Glastonbury. You know, it's all queues and buses. And you got to get to one place. So is it sitting fucking round? It's round. It's random people from all over the world, which is kind of beautiful. You see countries you never think of represented. Everyone's obsessed with collectibles. So everyone's trading pins for the various nations that they're from.

Muggles. And like. You muggles. A hundred percent. And looking for like, you know know ice hockey celebrities or whatever the fuck oh yeah like they'll get like they'll get really excited

about someone who's got like 2,000 Twitter followers yeah exactly they're like dude I swear to god I swear to god that is

the Swedish fencing champion but they really do no way they really do my brother got approached all the time they'd be like

Adam Edelman like people were coming up to him fucking hell I mean it's great but you just never because I'm not into that level of sports

in the same way that if I saw if I saw Didier Drogba I would lose my fucking shit but for me there must be some Olympic fans

these people are their Didier Drogba but you know what's so funny imagine you spent a week just totally as not a sports fan

totally immersed at like the FIFA World Cup. After a few hours even, you'd be like, I'm all about soccer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because this – because it does to people. I see the Turkish laugh back and I'm like, oh my god. Yes, because he's a big deal in your little universe that you're there for. So like you're right. It means nothing.

But like I sat next to a woman because we would buy tickets and then just sneak down to the best seats every time because they were fucking empty the whole stadium was empty every time because they send the tickets to sponsors the olympics is one big corporate fuck fest yeah so like they send uh like it's sponsored by like mcdonald's and coke and procter and and Visa. If you don't have a Visa card, you can't use a credit card anywhere at the Olympics. Oh, really? So it's owned by the sponsors. So all the sponsors have all the tickets. So like they're empty because the tickets to that

game are sat on like some middle manager's desk. Yeah, yeah. Like a thousand miles away. He said he was going to come, but he's just going to get killed. He's like, I'll get the second round. Yeah, but they don't. So that's exactly it. They were like, we're going to come, but they don't come. So like no one ever goes. So we were sitting down at some of the seats.

And I looked to my right and Prince Albert of Monaco was sat there. I have no idea who that is. He's just like a prince from – Oh, okay. And I introduced myself to him because he's sitting next to me. Is he like a – does he look princely? Has he got a lot to bling on? sitting next to me.

Does he look Prince Lee? Has he got a lot to bling on? No, but he's got the most expensive normal clothing item but the most expensive version of it. A cashmere scarf. When you look at the scarf, you're like, that scarf is worth probably $10,000.

His shoes are the most beautiful brown leather you've ever seen. Yeah, they're fucking made from dodo it's just something that's extinct exactly that's a better joke than i have time to give a credit for but like yeah yeah you're right like that's exactly how it is and like you can tell his cufflinks were like passed down from generation to generation or shit like that but like they're all around there so it's on one hand it's the most muggly people on the planet who eat nothing but soft pretzels for a week because they don't want any ethnic food.

And they're like, I do hear that about British people who go to like the expats in Thailand. They'll be like, you can't get a decent hamburger around here. I'm like, it's Thailand. They're like, a guy makes noodles for 50 fucking cents. It's fresh and frothy. What are you talking about? And these are the same ones that were like fucking Brexit's going to ruin Britain. It's fresh in front of you. What are you talking about? And these are the same ones that were like,

fucking Brexit's going to ruin bread. It's like, you don't live there. So I'm at the figure skating. I'm at the figure skating and like, and I notice the entire section next to where I'm sitting

is empty. I'm like, that's interesting. The entire section is empty. And then 250 North Korean cheerleaders that have been flown in for the event come walking in.

Each with a guard with a gun pointed at the back of his head. You know what? So the aisles were filled with these cheerleaders. But sitting on either end of every aisle to make sure they didn't go anywhere were people in like the most serious face people I've ever seen in plain clothes. And you could tell that they were like the binders. So I was on the aisle next to them, and I was like, I'm going to get a selfie with one of these cheerleaders if it kills me. Yeah.

And it might. And it might. It will kill you. It will just kill her. But that's exactly what happened, because I learned from the person sitting next to me. I said, how do you say, are you having fun in Korean? And so he tells me a me. I said, how do you say are you having fun in Korean? And so he says, he tells me like a sentence. I keep practicing

it. And then they get up to go after like the scariest coordinated song and dance routine I'd ever seen in my entire life. They train them with no joy or skill. Oh, it's probably like the water glass on the head posture, the whole fucking thing.

They were clapping in like perfect unison with like their elbows totally locked in like like for joy it's so crazy

and they're looking they were trying not to do this but every time anyone held up a smartphone to take a picture they were like

not taking a picture of them they had been prepared for that just like a picture in general because I didn't know this

North Koreans aren't allowed smartphones oh wow so to them they're like holy shit had been prepared for that. Just like a picture in general because I didn't know this. North Koreans aren't allowed smartphones. Oh, wow. So to them, they're like, holy shit, everyone's got a computer.

They don't even tell them about it. Oh, so they're still playing fucking Snake on the Nokia 3310. They don't even, I doubt they even have those capabilities because maybe a snake can be seen as a symbol

of resistance. No, no, what it is is their game of Snake is they've changed it's no no what it is is their game of snake is they've changed it it's Kim Jong Un which is instead of little sweets

it's just little American flags it's just Kim Jong Il which one's this Kim Jong Un like

Kim Jong Un has never pooped he's never pooped that's why he gets longer when he eats he's never pooped exactly the mentality though is like Kim Jong Un's He's never pooped. He's never pooped. That's why he gets longer when he eats. He's never pooped. Exactly. The mentality, though, is like Kim Jong-un's – they had a few North Korean fans, but it seemed like everything North Korea was there for had been bought and paid for.

Someone was telling me – I'm like, what happens when they go out in public? They're like, are you crazy? Here's what's happening. They're keeping them on boats in the harbor, the cheerleaders and the athletes to prevent them from defecting. Then they get them to shore. They put them on buses under armed guard.

The buses drive to the parking lots of the venue, let them off into the venue. They're herded into their section. Then they get back on the buses and go back to the boat. These poor people don't even know. What an oppressive, horrible life these people have. Yeah, yeah. So they're coming down the aisle and I'm like standing there shamelessly.

I was like, I won't be shamed like away from this. And like they're clogged up a little bit as they're getting up. And one woman is standing right next to me. And I said to her in Korean, are you having fun? Yeah. And she looked at me. And then the person next to her burst into tears and I was like,

oh, I can't talk to these people. Holy shit. I'm like, I can't do it. She's just like trying so hard not to look at me. I follow them out.

I follow them out just to like see them and they're standing in front of, they were there as purely as a media prop. So I'm standing behind them as people are like filming them. And they're all a solid block, like a row of

troops. Yeah, literally trained to be in the fucking army. And they're waving. They had these little North Korean flags. The handler had a little North Korean flag. Whenever he waved it, he would stand right behind the cameras. Whenever he waved it, they would wave at the flag and the cameras would take a whole bunch of pictures. The whole display was for the press.

Jesus Christ. They're jangling keys with a baby. Genuinely. Jangling nationalist keys with a baby. Genuinely. Oh, like nationalist keys, the baby. And there was a woman walking around behind them with a bun wearing their uniform, but she wasn't a cheerleader. She was like their trainer and she would jab one of them with two fingers if

they weren't like straight up enough. So what the fuck? Oh my God. I'm filming this on my camera phone, on my smartphone. And I looked behind me and I notice there are three security guards who look murderously upset, like really upset. One of them's got one of those surgical face masks. It's on, like a black surgical face mask.

And I just see him look like – I don't turn, but I see in, like, the reverse angle of my Instagram video. I see him look at the other security guards and i realize like oh i am the only person in this block of north koreans facing this giant block of cameras and civilians and then i'm like oh that's weird yeah there are no other civilians in this area i'm in the middle of this block of north koreans and i'm like well why aren't they moving me out and then i realized like the cameras are videoing everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm like, I need to get out of here before.

Yeah. Before. While the cameras are still on. Because the second they go, you disappear. I genuinely was like, for a second, I was more scared than I'd ever been. Because I had just watched 200-something people act like not human beings for a solid hour and a half. Yeah, yeah.

And you filmed it from the angle that they don't want that 100 and so i start edging towards the thing and they start like moving to sort of like box me like box me like out like they want me to leave yeah so like they and as soon as like uh they stop waving this guy in the black surgical mask he just puts one hand really firmly on my, like, left arm and, like, one hand behind my back and he just gives me a solid but, like, very efficient push out of the, like, out of their circle. Like, he... Oh, my God. I was terrified, though, for, like, a solid few seconds.

I mean, in that situation, what the fuck did you think was going to happen? Like, I... In terms of, like, you have minimal sympathy for me. Like, if I start going to the North Koreans, I'm going nowhere near them. You know what the problem is? The Olympics are one giant spectacle. Yeah. And so it's just weird shit just happens around you all the time.

Brass bands start playing 10 feet from your face for no reason. Someone throws T-shirts into a crowd. Everyone goes mad. Like, you know, New Zealand dancers will, like like rip off their shirts in the middle of the street and do like one of those. Hackers. Yeah, do a hacker. And so you're like, this is just another bit of spectacle. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. It's such an unreal little, it's like it's a small world that Disney come to life. And this is just the only dark part of the ride. Yeah, yeah. So like. There is no North Korea on that ride. I wonder part of the ride yeah yeah so like there is no there is no North Korea on that ride

I wonder I wonder I gotta feel bad for just a civilian from North Korea oh man it sounds fucking dire

right let's go to Muggle Corner I'll allow you to go first no you go first because I'm still you know okay

so my one is and I've got experience in this, muggles do paintball. They're like stags ahead. So the reason I was thinking about this is because me and Matt, you're organizing Kai's stag do at the moment, and we're sort of thinking of other things to do

apart from just get absolutely mullered and try and kill Kai. Like our genuine mission is to make sure Kai doesn't get to his wedding, even though his fucking stag do is at an undisclosed location. He doesn't even know the... He doesn't know when or where it is.

All he knows is it's happening at some point. We'll get him the information when he needs it, but for now... It's on a need-to-know basis. That's such a good muggle to do paintball

for a stag do thing. Because for me, I used to be a paintball referee when I was my first ever job, right? In Edinburgh, that place where we've gone. Oh, no, no, no. Way, way up north. No, no.

This is like way up near Aberdeen. Okay. I used to have to... My boss was like an ex-army commander. He'd pick me up Saturday morning at 6 a.m. Fucking... Was it fun or was it... It was awful.

I mean, I enjoyed the thing. If you ever get hit, you'd get hit. All the fucking time. So I'm in bright red, right? Because I'm a marshal, right? I've got a yellow mask on. And I have a marker. That's what we call the people.

They're called markers. And I take the fucking things out. The people out. So it's two. I'm 16. There's two groups of fucking 20 on either side. Like drunk, hungover, fucking mad. Bad at shooting.

Bad at shooting, coked up. And of course, if they can't see them, they're just fucking shooting. Because there's nothing I can do my marker doesn't have paintballs in it this is just a spare this is if your marker breaks I give you mine

we swap the hopper which is the yeah no the ammunition on top and then I'll fix your marker so I'm always walking around being like you go ahead

you go ahead and if you tell someone all the fucking time you go you go ahead but it didn't burst I'm like it doesn't fucking matter

I saw the thing hit you it's an honor base system you're out you go away and you just get one in the fucking time you go you go hit but it didn't burst I'm like it doesn't fucking matter I saw the thing hit you it's an honour based system you're out you go away and you just get one in the fucking back of the neck and there's nothing you can do because I'm 60 years old and he's a 45 year old man

on a heap of cocaine and I just don't get me wrong paintball is fun it's an absolute scam no we haven't oh no sorry we've done laser tag together

we've done laser tag together which is yeah yeah significantly more low impact yeah low impact. Yeah, low impact. When I was 16, because I didn't tell anyone I had the job at first, just because I just couldn't be arsed.

Whenever you get hit on the neck. Yeah, you're a welt. She thought it was a love bite. She was like, is that a love bite? I was like, no. If this is a love bite, you're assuming anything else that looks like this is a love bite. She's like, yeah, absolutely.

Why do I have one on my inner arm? Why do I have one on my ankle? Why do I really kinky cheating? Why do I have one right in my fucking cleaves? You're right in one of my faces. It's just a girl just sucking in the middle of my fucking tase. That's so funny. Like in what world is that fucking thing?

Oh, man, they used to fucking kids, like troubled kids, like if they'd been good for three weeks they were rewarded with fucking live munitions and I'm the fucking referee so they're just getting fucking at one point I had to take a fucking stick off someone because they were just like they covered it in paint he covered the stick in paint and was running at his friend

with it being like his logic was it's a paint sword I put paint on the thing so if I hit him with it that counts, his logic was, it's a paint sword. I put paint on the thing. So if I hit him with it, that counts. And I'm like, no, that's physical assault,

you fucking... Did it work though? No, I had to fucking, I pretty much rugby tackle the cut. Like it was a big stick. Like it's a fucking punch. It's about to be an absolute genuine assault.

That's genius. Have you ever done paintball? I'm, same with laser tag. It's one of the few things I'm good at. It's so useless. I'm so good at – I remember when we went in Enneagram. I was really, really good at laser tag.

That was when Anna Glompierre started. Yes. And Joel Dahmer. I just remember going, Adam, what the fuck? Like why would you be good at this? Like I do also that thing where like like, you slide and shoot upwards. Oh, yeah, yeah. And people hate that because it's bullshit.

You play like a hyper nine-year-old at his birthday. The most I'll ever hear the words, if I ever want to know where you are in a Laser Quest game, I'll just listen to the Marshal go, no running. No running. No running. No running. There he is. That's where Edelman is. But you know what? Stop jumping.

Get off the wall. The thing is like not with Laser Tag obviously but in Israel, paintball, like we did basic training and the way to make it fun for us was – Did you get conscripted? No. I just did – I guess three courses of basic training while I was there. Do you have to do it? No, but I lived there in a time where, I lived there in 2008, 2009, and there were a whole bunch of terrorist attacks at schools right around mine.

And one of them was a school that I would study at every Thursday. And like, something like seven or eight kids were killed on a Thursday, and they offered us a chance to do it again. So you live to America America where that never happens. Yeah, where every school is saved. That's so funny. I never think about that. I enlisted basically.

I volunteered to do basic training and the funny thing is they were like, at the end of basic training, they're like, so how do you feel about the army? I was like, I would never do the army here. It's crazy. It's politically problematic. They're like, okay, as soon as you bring up your politics, when asked a question about joining the army, they're like, we don't want you in there anyway. Just in case. Just go get the fuck out.

We don't want you being like, everyone here. You can see both sides, right? They don't want that. But I became really good at paintball for that. The one thing that always frustrates me is the limited amount of ammunition oh man it's an art it's an utter scam as well right i used to go there it was 50 you turn up you get 125 paintballs you're playing fucking eight rounds right it's not that is you go through it in about 45 seconds and it's 15 quid for another 100 every

time it doesn't cost that much to no man i was i was filling up these little tiny tubes from huge bags these bags can get about 10 000 paintballs cost about 100 quids i'm doing one cup full of going 15 quid 50 quid it's an utter utter scam so i always hate that because like if you really want to this will sound so wanky this is very muggly but like if you want to run a proper paintball exercise where like you cover for a teammate or you try to like pins like you try to like yes you've got to be firing the whole time or you need to like not firing the whole time but you need to at least be able to not have to be like, how many was that?

And also these guns unless you have an angel gun of your own or something, these guns sometimes don't fire. Yeah, and they veer off to the left and right. So you don't know how accurate you're being. So I know some guys who when we do paintball

training in Israel, they would lie lie down and then focus on a fixed point, fire at the fixed point and literally figure out which way their gun was biasing. So like if it was to the left, they knew their gun fires a little bit to the left. So they did it a little bit to the right. But like you can't spare that in like everyday average paintball. So there were plenty of paintball games where like I was the last one left or something and then you just run out of ammunition yeah and you're just there it's like and that's when you get a little knife out a little stick and you just cover it in paint and like paint you know the worst thing is like when you're trying to do rambo paint and the second you put it on your face i'm like you're out that counts

you're just there i'm like no rambo you're out that's paint on your face that counts oh that's amazing i should imagine what kimmy is like yeah he's just there i'm like no ramble you're out that's pain in your face that counts the worst thing about paintball is being hit by friendly fire you just get so fucking angry like you're like you knew i was funny i i think i've had people do it on my team who just didn't like me or people if they would mix up teams after a particularly contentious paintball game they'd be like right well i hate you from the first round it doesn't matter that you're on my team. I would, like if I, because sometimes

obviously paintballs don't burst, they would fall down. If I ever saw a paintball on the ground, me and my mate Adam would just pick it up and put it in our pocket, and at any point somebody was fucking us off, you just slip it into the chamber of your broken marker, and you fire at someone in the back of the leg, or the back of the neck,

you know, you got hit and they're like, what? I'm like, friendly fire, someone on your scene must have, I'm like,

if I don't want to fucking deal with you anymore, trust me, if anyone of this play paintball is a stag do, I guarantee you at least one of your marshals

has shot you. Are you serious? That's the coolest shit I've ever heard. Man, if you're pissing me, if you piss me off, I'll shoot you in the fucking, fuck it.

I got paid five pounds an hour. Really? Yeah, to take fucking shit. I'm not fucking kidding what also those although i'm telling you a dirty paintball i always would tell like teammates like it's never worth the trouble it's not like you think you're picking it up it's got a pie needle there that's gonna ruin your day like just don't uh don't do it but yeah hey that's a good model corner people should i do should i do one yeah do one we'll – because we've not got much time. So we'll do one more and then we'll move on. Okay. I'm going to pick one.

Where you make this joke, someone offers you weed and you pat your stomach and go, I'm trying to cut down. I mean it's 100% in but I would genuinely laugh at that. It's like a – so this has come with the podcast, and I'll always defend it. It is 100% muggly. I love lame jokes. Oh, sure. I love lame jokes. Sure, sure, sure.

The other ones that I have, we don't have time for them. I'll only get into one. Have you put serious thought into shopping for a greeting card? Yeah. Oh, God. Being like, oh, yeah, Dad does like top gear. But do I get something more festive? Is it festive or is it a serious occasion, this christening?

The way I look at greetings cards is how can I make this funnier? Like what's, I would, and this is probably Mugly as well, I will absolutely, for my male friend's birthdays, get them princess cards with a badge. I do that all the time. It's literary and it says 13 on it because that's that is muggly though it is muggly there's also if you make reservation days in advance for a restaurant a restaurant but not even a good one no no never a good one

like pizza express can i get a table can i get a table for six on thursday uh at 7 p.m and they're just like yeah yeah there's a hundred fucking just calm down I love that when you call because you don't

know the restaurants in another city and they're like just come just come in we're never crowded we're not we're not important

there's nothing in this we are a pizza hut what are you doing unless you've got a fucking kids birthday party you don't need to vote

it's a pizza hut it's going to be small it's a hut look it's very popular we live in a big Italian community this is I imagine where they all go It's a birthday party. You don't need to vote. It's a pizza hut. It's going to be small. It's a hut. Look, it's very popular. We live in a big Italian community. This is, I imagine, where they all go. I want to hear your dad jokes.

Well, first of all, before we go on to them, plug your shows. This will come out on Thursday. I'm doing Melbourne Comedy Festival. I'm here for the entire month. What's your show called? It's called Just For Us. And where is it on? It's on at the Greek Center every night at

9.30. Sweet. And I am on every day at 9.15 at Acme. Are you doing Mondays? No, are you? No, fuck. Absolutely not. There's always overlap with everyone I want to see.

Alright. Your dad went to see. All right. Okay. Your dad went to Comic-Con as Hitler. Okay. Your dad's so basic his favorite novelist is God. Your dad's Facebook profile pic is of a baby that isn't his. Your dad owns a tea kettle, but he only uses it for urine to drink. Your dad has stabilizers on his car.

Your dad doesn't like The Simpsons because he finds it disrespectful. He's just there the whole time being like, I'm not like that. Eskimos have 500 words for snow, and your dad has 700 words for Muslims. Your dad hums when he eats, and if you lived in a rougher neighborhood, he'd be dead because of it. Your dad dips dog biscuits in his tea. Your dad gets boners from seeing an apartment store mannequin

whose body type he likes to describe as surprisingly supple. from seeing an apartment store mannequin whose body type he likes to describe as surprisingly supple? Your dad puts a notch in his bedpost every time he cries himself to sleep. It looks like a 15-year-old emo's wrist. Your dad thinks Bradley Cooper is very handsome and he's brought it up too many times for it not to mean anything.

Your dad has light-up underwear. Your dad tries to get a Mexican wave going at every sporting event he's ever been to. But he has never failed to this. Your dad calls oysters nature's vagina. I'm never getting seafood with him ever again. Your dad has started ascendance with as a white man.

And once used the phrase you gotta hand it to him when talking about Bill Cosby. Your dad wrote a Me Too status after his prostate exam. That's really good. Your dad's favorite movie is Happy Feet and you don't want to know why. Your dad puts a bobblehead of the Pope on your mom's back during doggy style

so it looks like the Vatican is approving the whole thing. I think I'm out. I think that was good for me. Perfect. That was great. Amazing. That think that was good for me. Perfect. That was great. Amazing. Thank you. That was a lot of fun.

They are great. We've changed the game. Your mom jokes are sexist and fattest and whatnot. Your dad's jokes are just your dad's life. Yeah, your dad's mom. And a lot of times

slightly racist. Thank you for having me on, man. We'll get you on later on in the festival. And also, you would not believe how many of these fuckheads actually come and see

shows of the case it's a small fan base but they are disgustingly loud please come and see me and please go continue to see Mr. Sloss talk to you later cats, bye