Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.33 Cream Team

Episode Date: April 9, 2018

Sloss has made a complete reputation U-turn and now is know for having too many friends. He's assembled an incredible squad of legends fot this podcast. Next thing you know kissy two lips will buy a round. Cream joined by Crusher Cody, Luke Heggie and Bart Freebairn making this an instant classic before it begins. Also. Crusher has an announcement!  

Sloss and Humphrey's on the road! Muggins and Cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats? That's hack

Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11? Hello, Kans. It's me, Daniel Sloss. Craig, back for Sloss and Humphreys on the road,

without, obviously, Humphreys. I have three special guests today, just to prove the ongoing lies that I have no friends. A lie. I'm joined by Crushy Neck Cody. Hello. Special new guest, Mr. Bart Freebear. Hello. And Mr. Luke Hagee. Yep. You're both excited to be on? Man, this is the first podcast for me. It's actually

the first time I've spoken. It feels so weird. She said dada this morning. It's up to this. I've been listening to words a lot that haven't made any sense and I just got it that's how geniuses work it's very impressive for the first time you've really

really fucking nailed it I've got a beautiful mind yeah and beautiful lips I'm assuming you've spoken before yeah yeah

plenty we have to talk for the show so we're here for the Melbourne Comedy Festival how are your shows going standard question

has to be asked standard answer go get it what's the hack I think it's the word brilliant unappreciated

would be the underappreciated I think my favourite it's like great but I'm just tired 10 days into working maximum an hour a night. I've never understood that.

I'm tired. I'm so exhausted. From an hour a day? Anyone saying that has never played sport or worked a job. Nine to five. The problem I have with the festival show is I get up, first joke, standing ovation for 55 minutes. Nothing else. I just have to stand in front of them it's loud yeah and then i have to quiet them down to get off stage and sometimes i'm like that's

enough come on come on and then they stand up on their chairs because they know i'm leaving yeah bart walks out bart walks out and they start clapping and don't stop until he leaves like a North Korean leader you know what I mean he kills them if someone stops midway through

yeah you've got today you see a room but four of you are always paying audience members but the other four of you are the comps

you've got for the men holding guns in the back of their heads yeah yeah that's right yeah men and women I'm a you know equal opportunity employer yeah yeah but also equal opportunity you're threatening both as well yeah that's right yeah yeah men and women i'm i'm a you know equal opportunity employer

yeah but also equal opportunity you're threatening both as well yeah that's right yeah it would be sexist to only threaten the men of course even though it's 2018 yeah you've got to be gonna shoot someone it's good you can't discriminate yeah men women children yeah yeah so yeah and people who identify as neither yeah that's right or people who identify as children let's definitely kill those ones yeah first that's one of the ones when it comes to sexual kinks or whatever

whatever you're into whatever you do in the privacy of your home if you wear a nappy go to fucking jail like that is do you mean if you're wearing a nappy and you don't shit yourself all the time yeah yeah no but like there's people who have the fet mean if you're not, if you're wearing a nappy to Zanel and you don't shit yourself all the time?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but like, you know, there's people who have the facts. Who you might not notice. Oh, so, oh, mate, I will send you some documentaries that will make you so... Have you heard of furries? No.

Just tell me. I don't need to see docos. Right, so basically... Furries are people that dress up in like a bunny costume. But the arses cut out. Yeah. And foxes.

And then other animals. And they sniff around each other what like in a bush setting no in a hotel they'll have a giant litter box

that everyone's allowed to shit in somewhere in the hotel Hickey's face right now if you have met him

you know exactly what it is litter box in the foyer well I think maybe not in the foyer but somewhere public they're genuinely brought in on leads and stuff has met him you know exactly what it is it walks in the foyer well I think maybe not in the foyer

but somewhere public they're genuinely brought in on like leads and stuff balls and then they

all fuck each other and they're trying to claim that it's a genuine culture

and you'd be amazed there's not many intelligent model looking types look guys it's a very

inclusive subculture of course you have to be because you can't turn people down. There's not enough members. You're all monastics. Everyone's welcome as long as you're wearing an outfit. If you're not wearing an outfit, then you're not so inclusive.

If you just walk around nude with poo smeared on your back... What if my thing... I'm a big animal. Everyone's like, no, you're not. Where's your outfit? No, I don't have any money i live in the forest oh they charge at the door what if my thing were bestiality would they include that me i think that's your i think that's cultural appropriation to that

furries it's like that's a sneaky workaround hey i want to fuck animals but i've just got someone to dress up as one yeah yeah i don't think don't think their whole argument is that it's not bestiality even though you're getting off because their argument is like I'm also a dog I'm a dog and I'm fucking a fox and that's fine a lot of people are talking though, it's happened more than once

it's probably what do you think, it was an accidental no I just think it's a convention I think that yeah yeah what do you think there was an accidental no I just think yeah it's a convention it's a convention it's probably yeah

I think that it'd be a very small amount of people and it's so fucking outrageous they get a lot of press yeah yeah yeah because

but there's at least a thousand I can comfortably say that oh sure minimum yeah yeah yeah

and the worst one for me is that there's like like if your thing is like a school teacher fetish or fucking police officer

when it starts getting like school girl I'm like alright this is getting a little bit I'm not comfortable with this but there's

grown men that their whole thing is they want to be in nappies and they want yeah suck on a titty suck on a fucking titty

shit their pants shit their pants just giant literally custom built giant cribs for them to sleep in themselves. Are they out in public getting pushed around in large prams and shit? My thing is that I identify as an aircraft hangar, and I want planes to drive into my house. Like full-size planes. Yeah, it is very hard to find someone.

We've just got someone with two table tennis bats yeah so far i haven't like haven't even got this might work for me because my phase is actually to be a ryanair stewardess but just in the check-in procedure okay so it's just before people come well we could do you need people in the plane that flies up your ass or is it just the plane itself? Well, the plane's got to get in there somewhere. Obviously, there's a

pilot. But actually sits five kilometers away from the airport with his bike lights on the dirt and his asshole facing up just try and trick

the planes into what's a runway at night. Yeah. It's like Lethal Weapon 2 where they chase. Is it Lethal

Weapon 2? It was the one where they made the plane crash because they put all the fog up and they fuck with the... Oh, I don't know that. It's like The Weapon 2 where they chase... Is it The Weapon 2? It was the one where they made the plane crash because they put all the fog up and they fuck with the... Oh, I don't know that. It sounds like Jump the Shark. If bad guys are pumping fog into the sky.

You know that one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the new terrorist weapon. It's not this mother of all bombs. It's just a fucking smoke machine. Yeah. That's great. It's a legit

air crash investigations episode I've seen them all there's a plane going into land in bad weather and the pilot sees that the

runway lights are off and he realises he's about to land on a road an actual just yeah it was that the fog

was that low that he didn't see until last minute and then had to take off why were the street lights off no street lights were to take off why were the street lights off no street lights were on

oh right you saw the street lights yeah so he's coming into land thinking those were the runway lights and then he realised it was a bit off and then he was like

oh fuck there's cars on the outfield that just sounds like the pilot excuse of I thought it was your pussy like it's just a much

cooler thing to do oh no it's bad weather you're going to get sacked anyway go out of your fucking bag control tower control tower control, it's bad weather. You're going to get sacked anyway. Go out and fucking bang. Control tower, control tower, control tower. It's bad weather up here.

I'm just going to thumb it in. You're going to spit on the person. It was foggy, not rainy. I don't think, when it comes to, I think those are the two worst fetishes I've heard of, apart from your. Oh, that's a, mine is, I don't think when it comes to I think those are the two worst fetishes I've heard of apart from your oh that's a mine is

I don't think that's bad it's just it's my passion yeah it's not you're not fetish no it's not a fetish it's a way of life

oh no it's great but I mean the thought of it because I haven't been able to fit any size plane in my ass yet except for the toy planes they don't really count

the only plane he's got in there is a dad with jelly on a spoon telling him it's a plane. That's literally the baby steps. Yeah. It's the baby steps blowing up. That's how it started.

I want a bigger plane. It's got a tablespoon of jelly. I flew on a 47, what is it, 747 and thought, I know what I need to do with my life. Get inside me. Do you have any weird fetishes?

Look. No. Being normal, evidently, is fucking weird now. Which is called vanilla, isn't it? You get called vanilla. I have to get called vanilla if I don't have to put stuff in my fucking freckle. If you think about it, vanilla is a concept. It's like the most exotic shit ever.

Vanilla. Just common now, but kings would fucking kill thousands of people to get vanilla back in the 1500s. I just want someone to fuck, I just want to fuck someone missionary without them calling me down. Whereas to me,

I think someone's had a bad upbringing if they order a vanilla thick shake. I'm like, what happened to you? Who touched you? Why don't you get chocolate or strawberry you fucking weirdo are you saying you reckon like sexual deviancy

is getting to such a point that people like look are now seen as a classic yeah like just missionary is you're retro you're a retro

fucker basic yeah missionary should be going to an island full of savages and fucking them until they believe in God.

That's what I'm saying. Not again. Say Hail Mary. Oh, okay. Do it in front of the kids so they say, we'll save our gracious king. Yeah, do it. How's your festival, Sloss? It's good

we both had you and I were talking we had not shiders on a Saturday the one is about

the Saturday crowd I think it's fucking generally at a festival I think it's because you get like

anyone that's going to see a show I would say Tuesday to Thursday including Sunday like you are your fans of comedy you've chosen to say that person Fridays and Saturdays is a bit like fucking Black Friday in the UK I would say Tuesday to Thursday, including Sunday. Like, you are fans of comedy.

You've chosen to say that person. Friday and Saturday is a bit like fucking Black Friday in the UK, where it's all the amateur drinkers come out. Like, it's their office work party, and they're the worst drugs. No, but the problem is that actual fans of comedy that have just wanted a good Saturday night out, if I just get swamped. It's like people that like a beer and then go out for New Year's Eve. It's like there are good people in the mix,

but generally it's going to be shitty people that have beers twice a year. I'd like to one day be a millionaire and just not ever do a Friday or a Saturday night. Daniel Kitson does that. I'd go, fuck you, cunts. Daniel Kitson does Wednesday at 11pm and all other hours.

11am? Yeah, he does. Oh no, in Scotland he does oh no in Scotland he does weird he pushes it to the max though he's like you need all to wear red no look me in the eye

it's in a farm a house 20 miles away from town is the first person to ask Bart are you serious the man who's airplane hanger arsehole yeah

which is currently stocked 6.8 billion dollars worth of airplanes no no no Kitson does do weird late show which I think it's like

you're losing people that work actual jobs and just want to have a nice he's got such a market it doesn't matter everyone will

he'll sell out regardless yeah but they just don't know where you sort of get yourself into the fucking echo chamber yeah I know

that's the problem. But I still would like to occasionally just tell every Saturday night audience member to get the fuck out. There's an envelope full of cash at the door for every single one of you. Get out of my sight. I don't want to see you ever again. Minus booking fees, of course. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's out of your control. I'm keeping that two bucks. They've come out for comedy. They don't know what comedy is they don't know how to act no yeah they would much rather

they would much rather just go to like the comics lounge and you you want a night where there's fucking seven comedians doing five each so you don't have enough time

to get bigoted about that person yeah like a woman will walk on stage and you go and then by the time she's gone someone else and you're like

no I had so many about her whereas if you're watching an hour long fucking show with someone, you've got enough time to be stupid and disagree with so many points. I definitely think there is a skill to an hour. There's a skill to a 15, 20-minute spot. A three-minute spot. A three-minute spot is probably the hardest.

Those really weird short ones. 15, but then an hour is, yeah, they really don't have a chance to know who you really are in a 10, 15-minuter. But an hour, you're bits of you. You've exposed yourself. Yeah, the difference in an hour is in 10 minutes, they can just hate your jokes. But if they hate you in an hour, they fucking hate you. They listen to all of your thoughts and they're like, nah.

And they've paid. I understand their rage. Yeah. of your thoughts and they're like nah yeah and they've paid i understand their rage yeah i the thing i find weird about it though is that they get in and say they hate you for half of it why do you fucking stay i don't know like why do you if you're hating something but then you know yeah what did you walk out of uh like fuck what was it Isla Dr Moreau oh I walked out of

bloody I think he's been on here Eric Lampart oh Valerian Valerian yeah Kyron Kyron Wheatley

Damien Power Lucha myself went and saw it in Edinburgh last year Valerian fuck it Eric was great in it but two hours

into the two and a half hours of that shit we looked at each other and went, we've got to go. We left. I've never walked out of a cinema, and the only movie I've ever turned off was Vanilla Sky, 15 minutes before the end.

I thought, I don't want to turn it on being called Vanilla something. Yeah. Mate. Too tame. No anal. You want your sky to be able to take multiple dicks while being choked.

Don't worry about vanilla sky, chocolate hull. That's what Higgy's all about. Getting in there. Yeah, chocolate tempest.

Furry sky, they're just all being kicked out of planes. I would watch that. Yeah. I watched this Spirit Samuel Jackson's

it was like a comic book movie but done in the same style of Sin City. I like Sin City because it was just unnecessarily violent and like it was done in the same style of Sin City oh yeah I like Sin City because it was just unnecessarily violent and fucked up

that's great and then this one it was just just feels for me I rarely walk out of a cinema just because I'm like

I paid for it it's like giving up on a wank you're like I've put this much time into it like even if like when you're

having a fucking stubborn wank and you don't want to fucking the reason you do it is it's just to beat yourself yeah it's like I'm not I'm not the only thing sad a fucking stubborn wank and you don't want to fucking the reason you do it is just to beat yourself I'm not

the only thing sadder than a wank is an uncompleted wank quit it don't give up your heart's beating, you're sweaty, you're lying on your bed wondering what's happened to your life just take an hour off, go for a walk come back, you'll be ready

do some soul search. Yeah. Just go meditate quietly in the room. Burn some incense. You know, insert a glass into your anus. Yeah. But I don't need to blue ball myself. I can get that, you know, in public.

Yeah. With people, with women specifically. Oh. Or men. Yep. Not planes. Yeah. Not planes.

No, no, not vehicles. No, not yet. No, I'm just not fully committed to it. I'm assuming Yeah. Not planes. No, no, not vehicles. No, not yet. I'm just not fully committed to it. I'm assuming not propeller planes. Oh, no, I think Cessna would be a great time. A what? The double. A Cessna.

Twin prop. Yeah, twin prop or just a real big angry propeller on the front. But you want to make sure that some 1942 pilots have also drawn pictures of their wives, like very sexual. And you want them to, as they're going in, machine gun it a little bit just to loosen it up you have the water landing pads as well yeah that's their version of spang on it yes it's just you want to wind it out it's got well you know it's you can't have it i mean you most most people's colons are pretty strong

bite the pillow while I'm flying and dry it's going to be a rough landing just how I like it the runway's too short

I'm sorry it's my first time oh it was a jungle would you say it was the most reprieved thing you've done sexually then

apart from the plate of your arsenal or is that it I am I actually I know this sounds fucked

inserted a small child into a woman that's now growing that's amazing it's like a time bomb gotcha yeah I'm gonna leave in nine months from now she is it's like a time bomb gotcha yeah

I'm gonna leave I've been nine months from now she's yeah you've made a woman pregnant yeah unintentionally

which is good yeah yeah love it yeah I think so I don't know he's had two

yeah do you love your kids yeah all the time am I a fucking animal no yeah am I a fucking idiot

on the record those are the two Do you love your kids? Yeah. All the time? I'm a fucking animal? No. Am I a fucking idiot? On the record. Those are the two extremes. Idiot, animal. Just trying to sit in the middle of vanilla heggie. Vanilla parenting. Sitting in between the strawberry and the chocolate.

Neutral vanilla. I just figured like because all other dads I talk to people like a friend of mine, Milo McCabe who is a massive hippie and if you talk to him

about his kids he's like the love transcends time I'm like yeah I know the spiel but what's the reality yeah but you know what Milo's like

he also is probably a fan of DMT and he's always thinking very hippie-ish thoughts while not living a life like that the kind of person that's there for

I'm just very hippie I was not grounded is what a life like that the kind of person that's dead for I'm just very I was not grounded is what you're saying no no he's like some of it doesn't make sense Milo will

see a psychic but then claim that star signs are bullshit and it's like no you can't you don't get to pick a juice

pick a lane oh you do but people will yeah life makes no sense I'm one with the universe we're on a very small rock floating in the middle of the infinite. Anyway, guys, I've got to run off.

I've got a 20-pound spot. Yeah, I guess that matters. We're all stardust, but if I don't get my tax return back, and it's not decent, I'm going to glass a cup. Yeah, you're cheating you're cheating until about mid February yeah

like that's it um you can't we're all made of stardust yeah so it's the money you owe me you fucking can't and the house

that your kids live in pay up it's the real world turns out some stardust is nastier than us um I owed a lot of invoices yeah

send the lawyers. Like you're on one of those vibrating chairs. I'm at the airport making a business call. Maybe that's where Buddhism started. Maybe it was just a guy sat in a vibrating chair. I'm going to kill this cunt, so I'm just going to sit under a tree for 10 years. Guys, I've just got to sit under a banyan tree for a while.

Turns out it's a bit shaky. He's just getting massaged on the basis of all religion. Isn't he just a rich dude who left his wife and kid? What, John Buddhist? Yeah. John Buddha. Buddha. Buddha.

Buddha dog. Well, he also fucking, fucking like was at one with everything but clearly ate a lot of it as well yeah the stuff that he

was at one with yeah what better way to become at one with something than to eat it yeah that's how you

truly know it yeah you say you love animals you're big and I love them so much

I eat them I'm actually at one with them I want to travel with them at all times until I shit them out 45 minutes from now. I am a menagerie. I'm a legend. My stomach is a zoo.

It's a party park. I'm Noah's Ark. When I get into bed, I'll be Noah's fart. That is an animal coming out of you. It's spirit. That's the soul of the animal going to heaven. It's the call of the beasts. The antelope is free.

To roam the plains once more is wind. Mate, we should move on to our first game. Heggie, I imagine you have, as a... Would you describe yourself as a miserable person? No. No? What would be your way that you would describe yourself? Because I've seen your comedy.

It's very good, but it's very much an assassination on the lower dregs of society and some of the upper ones. Just people you generally... Everybody. Yeah. Just punch them down. You're punching in all directions at once you're like

that Hindu cunt with all the arms from Street Fighter yeah no Goro Goro from Mortal Kombat Vishnu Vishnu

yeah there's no one up there so fucking of course yeah everywhere else yeah he's still got crack still punching up

yeah right in the eye I honestly don't think Heggie's miserable Just fucking right Misanthropic? Maybe Like 20% misanthrope

Maybe Does not suffer fools Yeah Which is when I hear that I always think I wish I'm like that But I suffer fools All the time

I've had good chats With every Uber driver I've ever Yeah Even i'll be furious i told you about mine today no i got in his it was muhammad i got in and said assalamu alaikum he thought i was muslim he asked me what mosque i worshiped and he started kick off with a bit he started speaking arabic to me and I was there just going, oh. And he's like, how long have you been in Melbourne?

I said, I moved here 10 years ago from Queensland. He's like, where did you immigrate from? I'm like, I'm from Queensland. I told you. And you're just being like, look in the rear view mirror. Do I look like him? Yeah, yeah. It was weird.

It was good. Five stars. It was great. Yeah, of course. Shukran? Did you say that at the end? No, I shouldn't. Yeah, shukran.

Shukran in Arabic, yeah. What's the first thing you say? at the end no I shouldn't yeah shukran shukran in Arabic yeah what's the first thing you say assalamu alaikum assalamu alaikum yeah it just means how's it going

yeah how are ya salaam yeah maalaikum assalam is that Arabic Arabic of course yeah

I think so but I just thought it'd be nice it's like a weird like God be with you and then they say the same thing yeah

yeah not into any of it yeah mate you gotta do gigs for the troops you gotta go through some airports

where me looking like me but saying that at a desk gets things moving a lot quicker yeah like oh he's one

of the good ones it's like when you're in Thailand and there's a little Indian bloke that goes get a cunt you go for the

West Coast Eagles you're like man I'm buying something little Indian bloke that goes, Get a cunt, you go for the West Coast Eagles. You're like, man, I'm buying something from your shop just because you've learned how to speak exactly how I'm speaking and learned a footy team. You target your audience very, very well. Oh, man, it's mind-block. As soon as I say, get a cunt, where are you from? Adelaide, Melbourne?

Get a sheila. It's like a little Indian bloke nailing. Like if they did it here there would be a blogger that would be like that was a very racist accent but over there you're like

this is a very smart businessman I really am jealous of that story that's where you got in Thailand I was in Thailand for two days in September before the jingle there

because I was just enjoying my time on the beach and I just I'm from Scotland and I took my car and just a guy walking past me was off in pedicures selling flowers and all that stuff, just saw me. And I won't do the voice, but I cannot stress to you how much it was the most stereotypical,

but it was like South Park level of like, that's the voice he did. And was just like, hey white boy, why are you so white? That's all he shouted at me for a time. And it was the funniest fucking thing. Oh, it's hilarious Yeah Man when I I was a nanny When I was 18

I went on tour With the Australian Shakespeare company We were putting on A show around Australia And I got hired As a nanny Lead actor and actress

Husband and wife They had two boys I looked after them And one of the performances That Shakespeare company did Was in Like indigenous land Where you'd need a

permit as a white person to go in there so they got the permit to do the show it was on this little tiny little island with water around it and uh the generators blew and so there was no fucking lights it's at night time and a couple young indigenous kids one of them goes boy white boy take your shirt. You can be the lamp. And I fucking fell out. It's the funniest. So I did. It was so funny.

They're like, we got a lamp, everyone. I'm like, who doesn't get on board this? They start rubbing you because they think a genie's going to come out. That's not a genie, kid. It's like ectoplasm, but he's not giving you wishes, but you did grant mine. Isn't it great to celebrate our differences while being the same and different yeah while being four white men on a podcast yeah we did it you know how would these people know what color we all are oh that's on them

his name's cream like that you can sound the color they They sound white. White sounded like anything. It sounds like being great. Game? Yes. I was bringing Hagia to it because I imagine this is ideal for you because you, much like myself, hate most people in the world. Yeah.

What do you think muggles do? Once you're suggested. Oh, we're doing one muggles corner. Is it one muggles corner. one muggles corner. Is it one muggles corner? There's one, we'll probably do, well, we'll go around.

Once it gets to 10 minutes from the end is when I will bring in your dad jokes, which I know you're all there. 10 minutes. All right. 10 minutes from the end. 10 minutes right now. All right.

Okay. For me, muggles, people are using terms like soulmate and baby girl to describe people who are still alive. It's only excusable when you're

strapping a big teddy bear to a tree beside the highway otherwise don't ever say baby girl you're saying any sort of

pet nicknames for her disgusting it's in the realm of baby talk and shit I've been claimed to

if it's a name which it probably is I'm definitely you don't have any nicknames for your wife no she's got a name call her a fucking name and hold on though

you were also married to a French woman yeah and there's many stereotypes we've pointed out tonight let's say the French aren't the most

fucking shuckers chilled out they're very just yeah it's considered streets they're street shooters yeah it's considered streets they're street shooters

oh fuck man I tried to slide we're getting a dog soon I tried to slide a couple of names past and they just got vetoed but to be fair

the names what were the names now before you say them say because they were why did you want to name them this thing the dog

well because I'm the fuckhead who's got to run around the neighbourhood looking for the dog that's the last nine. So, now knowing that, the names you try to get by were? John Bonnet.

And Madeleine McCann. Madeleine McCann. And? Well, there was Azaria as well, which you might not know. The dingo took my baby. Dingo took my baby. Yeah, yeah. there was Azaria as well which you might not know but Dingo took my baby Dingo took my baby yeah

that's Azaria but I love when he first pitched it to me he goes Cody you know I'm getting a dog yeah it's

fuck man I wanted a statue but it's not one of those you saw the picture you know what it is poofed a dog I don't want to say but right

I've thrown these names past and vetoed no good here they are Madeleine McCann I'm like of course like he said it to me

like like she's been unreasonable the old ball the chains that's the best name you could ever have what would anyone

ever say no to that it's a great idea it's a great idea does your wife not have Any like French pet names For you No No

She just calls you Luke or dad I assume And not dad in a sexy way But like in front of you They say Mon chou Or

Mon chéri But it's just A typical French My love Like Dahl Or me saying Dahl So do you say Mon chéri to her

Ma chéri Ma chéri She's not a man Oh okay I forget her French my love like Dahl or me saying Dahl so do you say one shitty to her uh Marsherry Marsherry she's not a man oh okay I forget her French words what about you call the dog Harold Holt

yeah that'd be alright yeah down at the beach it's been done though yeah down at the beach I mean yeah Harold Holt's been done

Harold's a good name for a dog Harold's a great name but if it was a boy it'd be Daniel Walkam yeah oh Daniel Walkam's a kid that was found dog. What's Harold's great name? Yeah. But if it was a boy, it'd be Daniel Morecambe. Yeah. So. Oh,

Daniel Morecambe's a kid that was found in a shallow bush grave in Queensland. So why are you showing his name? You know what he is. Like, he's one of the, like, the most,

I can't get, where is she? In the ocean is the answer. Yeah. But. Oh, figure it out. Conspiracy man.

I, I, I've definitely I I've definitely I've definitely called ex-girlfriends nicknames I call my friends nicknames

I call Gene Gene Beanie or Pooh Bear so I'm definitely I also call any of my ex-girlfriends nicknames

just to piss them off though yeah I mean it's not I'm not you still talk to your exes yeah which means you weren't

with them for that long yeah you never lived with them for that long yeah you never lived with them no no no it just means I broke their heart and not vice versa no no no I just mean

you you've clearly never lived with an ex for a couple years and then had to do the when's the removalist coming for you you're not talking after that

no if it's a few months in it's always an amicable whatever and or you should just grow the fuck up their ex for a reason. Don't ever speak to one again.

I was going to... The hand movement. Nah, nah. One of my ex-girlfriends did one of the funniest things to me when I broke up. I was like, did that thing, I broke up with her. And I was like, I'm just not intending more love. But we can still be friends, just throwing that out there into any more Mothra but we can still be friends just throwing that out there

she was like you saying we can still be friends is like having your dog die but being told you can still play with it I haven't spoken to her since what a fucking

good name she's done a good thing there very much so very good indeed you've got nicknames for Looch don don't you? Oh, heaps. Yeah.

Stunner, little one. Sexy face. Do you know how they're... Well, at the minute she's pregnant, so fatty. Which, fuck, saying that on air, she's going to hate that. But, fucking look who's blowing our facts. Facts are facts and the fats are facts. Fats are fats.

You have a breakfast, you? In that state I say things like that True love True love Yeah But it's not It's Fuck

It's one of those I'm just saying If he's putting this In the corner You're going in the corner I would have thought You would have been Willing to

Man I'm the softest You really are You're a big Man I'm a fucking Big softy It's not the And you've got a big softy. No, a little one.

A big softy. That's why I'm surprised about this kid news. Not just swimmers, marathon swimmers. You thumbed come up. Somehow it got there from her knee. Just crawled up. Just navy seal. This kid is the Neil Armstrong of sperm

It's just gone farther Than any of your Edmund Hillary When she said I'm pregnant I just yelled I threw that sock In a bin for a reason

It's just Middle of the night Snuck in Hi Looch I'm trying to think Of the fucking The worst names I can definitely

call my ex-girlfriend schnookums because she fucking hated her but that still counts we always argue that it still counts because even if you're

being an ironic muggle there's still a level of it so my wife calls me cunty that's her nickname for me cunty right

because early on it was just a funny cunt's such a bad thing to call someone and you are what you eat which is why she is my arsehole

and to me she's Sloss's arsehole you're looking a lot like Sloss's arsehole at the moment well thank you don't ask how I know you know how I know but cunty is such a funny just to call somebody

like hey hey cunty should we go there for dinner it's so funny and then she realised in America people hate the word

cunt so much that she started to call me enty so now it's enty if we're in public it'll be like hey enty

do you want to grab lunch here but then at the wedding when we get married in her vow she's like enty and then some people giggling, she's like,

I say Enty because it's a nickname for him, but this is a nice version. And I took the mic off her and yelled, her nickname for me is Cunty. And then I was told it may be the first time that cunt has been said during someone's wedding vows. To laughter. I disagree. Yeah, to laughter. It's actually, it's probably been said a thousand times that day in Australia.

Before you said it. It's actually in the marriage act. Yeah. Hey, do you do cunts? Yeah. Oi, cunts, hook it up. Do you want to name your dog that? Cunt?

Just be allowed to give a cunt a poke? You can't knock a dog. What's the French word for cunt? Butcher's dustbin. What's the French? for gum? Butcher's dustbin. What's the French? Is that the right accent? Ah, it's a lot of fun to say. Je m'appelle Butcher's dustbin.

Is that a male or female? Is it le or la? The butcher's dustbin stinks of milk. Mate, you're in the wrong one. They've got such a way with the words in French. Ah, the old language de la romance. Great. And I'm absolutely glorified.

I will agree with that. I think it is. Especially in public as well oh shoot nicknames emsky doodles emsky doodles baby talk

I'm going to walk into the corner now for this and buy a car and your bathroom absolutely no dude baby talk in baby talk in general

and then on top of that in public I don't even like it to babies like to babies it's associating wait you just talk to a baby

like it's a human being absolutely that's I'm telling you that's also a baby thing you can't be talking about your fucking tags when you're talking to a toddler

it's the tone of course you fucking can it's not the subject the tone they grow up knowing how people talk yeah what's the day when you switch

from to fucking hello young man get up yeah stop that so yeah I have met your kids

and they are very well spoken and I imagine that's just because you were having full conversations I was speaking at two weeks and one week old respectively

as soon as they came out they came out going excuse me it was awfully tight in there father it's very good to be outside where are we going for dinner?

Or mum's titties? Very well. I understand how it works now. I'm zero old. Also have a concept of time. Not just language. Time, language. Yeah, because you were whispering to just through in your

throat. Mate, you're coming out. Make sure you read those books I shoved up there. They also come out with a sense of mortality as well. Just first words are, why am I here, Father? We know how this ends. Well, I suppose I'll enjoy it while it lasts. However long that is, you look a bit fucked up. You're going to end up like you

we're like papa alright what's your muggle corner alright do you have one I got two

sweet well we can go back to here because I've been doing this podcast for two fucking years and I'll be honest I'm running out of people to hate

and I prefer other people's suggestions yeah alright so bluetooth speakers in public is this at me? hmm oh because oh you mean not

no like speakers speakers that's why that's why I said speakers yeah at the beach

I was I was in New Zealand going on a hike in the middle of nowhere and there was a dude pushing psytrance out of a Bluetooth speaker hanging off a carabiner off his $2,000 backpack. A lot of things there.

A lot of things. So the other one that I mentioned. Yeah, you'll get this. Bluetooth speakers, yeah. Just a carabiner in public. I do think there is, because I think it's the, these cunts, people that do this, I feel like they would be the same people that if they were on a bus and a bogan or a nag was playing music through their phone. They'd be like, that's fucking shit.

But they'll happily just go to a park on a sunny day and just inflict their shit. I think it's just people that they're filming stuff for YouTube, but they don't realize you can just add in a song later. They're trying to get their own copyright. But you see a group of three guys walking and one of them's holding the speaker up like as if to say, hey, everyone, check out this music. Hey, guys, welcome to the soundtrack of our life. Well done for being background characters of the universe that clearly revolves around us. Since the invention of headphones, I don't feel like anyone has a right to play anything in public. I'm a bit of a cunt, though.

I do that when we're in the van. If someone's like, you want to listen to the radio? I'm like, no, definitely not. Put your headphones on. Don't care if you're driving for 18 hours. Put your headphones on, mate. You don't like hearing any songs? No, no, no.

I don't want to listen to other people's music. I get that. Yeah. Because you've got some friends of mine that are just like, look, I enjoy Eminem. And that's as far as my rap taste goes. So you've got to come up with something to hit yourself in clinical. Massive rap.

I'm like, at what point do you think I relate to this man that grew up in the suburbs of New York? Yeah. You only like the white one. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. No, I like... to this man that grew up in the suburbs of New York yeah like I want the white one yeah what you're saying yeah no I like

you know that's what I'm saying no no no I just mean to say it's like I enjoy Eminem because it's comedic

yeah he is funny he's a funny fucking bloke and all of his struggles are I love drugs I don't want to kill people

I'm like can relate but if you're like I grew up in a broken family what's that like 2 Chainz says one a guy, I grew up in a broken family. What's that like? 2 Chainz has one of my favorite openings to a song ever for a fucking rapper.

His whole job is to rhyme things. And he opens it with, she got a big booty, so I call her big booty. Scoot, scoot. It's like, man, the opening line, he hasn't even bothered to... I understand if a few verses in you go, I'm fucking out. But to open with that... Also, it was not a freestyle. You had wicked your chores when that song was recorded. He printed it off.

He was like, yeah. In his mum freedom, she was like... He could have just said, I called her Big Booty and we would have fucking realised. Yeah, nobody said that with a magnifying glass because you don't need one because she's got a big booty. She could have been a pirate with a lot of treasure. He needs to be more specific.

There is misinterpretation there. The second verse is about the parrot on her shoulder. You're like, oh. If he had been like she's got a big booty so I call a big booty yar yar he'd be like

what's he trying to say maybe Scoot Scoot was the parrot yeah rat big booty rat rat follow the X

but yeah bluetooth speakers are brutal yeah it's just because there's they've got people just, the way they're advertised is they can be taken everywhere. But what the adverb missed out is, but they shouldn't.

Don't take them anywhere. Just because you can't take them anywhere doesn't mean you should. Take them anywhere means anywhere in your house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it means. I can listen to a podcast while doing a shit. Yeah. That's what it's for.

The upside is because they are wireless you can pick them up and throw them as far as you can in the can the ones that shake like a can quite far

it's built it's just like a fucking can it's built to sell it's the modern version of a it's the most it's the least dangerous but most effective grenade

is you just play nickelback yeah and then you throw it to a group of people and just watch them scatter. If you can't throw

it fast, far enough that Nickelback stop playing by the time it lands, you're a fucking pussy. Should be a test. Should be like

30, 40 metres. It's one of the trials of manhood. You have to throw it outside of Bluetooth. Bluetooth 5 is going to be pretty,

it's going to be 50 metres. It's going to be tough, it's going to be 50 metres. It's going to be tough. You've got to do it, and then they come out, instead of a medal, they just pin a beard on your face. I'm clearly still waiting, 23 metres is my record. I like Nickelback, and I don't want to hit. Either I don't have the arm strength,

or secretly part of me wants to listen to Nickelback at a distance. You can't deal with Chad Kroger being too far away from you. Because he's always in here. Yeah. I'll absolutely 100% put that straight in the corner. I imagine there's no disagreement from them. No. There won't be.

I can fairly solidly say there won't be any disagreement in this section. Yeah. Go stand in the corner and let us listen to your music that you're playing off your Bluetooth speaker from that corner. We can leave it over here. You go stand in the corner. Do us listen to your music that you're playing off your Bluetooth speaker from that corner. We can leave it over here. You go stand in the corner. Jevon?

Yeah, mate. Muggles love a banquet menu or an all-inclusive drinks package. Whoa. No, I've never done the second one, but it does sound ideal. No, no, no. You're missing out. You're not crunching numbers. It's the same as a banquet. If someone thinks banquet no you're missing out you're not crunching numbers it's the same as a banquet someone thinks banquet you're like well fuck it's more expensive than what an entree and a

made meal and a dessert is together but it says banquet it must be more it's like you you've got more you've got a certain amount of money but you still can't make decisions for yourself it's like an all drinks included all drinks included say it's 200 bucks you are not going to drink 200 bucks worth of the shit drinks that are in fucking I all drinks inclusive disgusting

you will try very hard yeah which is what it does but is that the same for like my friends have gone to all inclusive

holidays I'm assuming in the end it's cocktails and shit oh it depends no it really depends

if it is cocktails they are watered down cocktails yeah I think sometimes people take the simplicity of the, here's the number equals infinity things, but they're not looking into what those things are. You're not getting anything you like.

You know what I mean? Like if it said you can have as much as you want of this shit thing, but for that price you could just have four of the things you actually like I'd rather just have four of the things I actually like it's a sales tactic that traps people and by people I mean muggles

Sizzler is an embodiment of that really, all you can eat but it's like all you can eat buffet I have a bit which is everywhere's all you can eat all you can eat buffet but then i mean i have a bit which is everywhere's all you can eat when you're growing up yeah if you've got a credit card you're not afraid of debt you never finish a meal and go i'm still hungry i better go home if you do that then you what are you fucking doing it's for children it is for children all you can eat is for children

just because they're they're only allowed a certain amount so for them to get all you can eat and they don't have money, it's exciting. But if you're an adult and you get excited by that, yeah, you're an idiot slash muggle. All you can eat in Pizza Hut is a fond memory being 10. Yeah, so that's what I've always equated it with. Maybe that's, I've no experience that fucking says, but just the thing where you're like, oh, you can eat pizza, which is all of the fucking best words when you're seven years old and you've just been in the fucking cinema

what it means is four pieces yeah but I've just never said no but the reason why it's all you can eat is because your whole life

you're told that's enough that's enough and it's the opposite of that yeah it's your parents just agreeing to give you seven as opposed to four but you get money

and you can as Bart said just do whatever you want so anyone that gets hooked into a just a banquet menu it's like you can't bart said just do whatever you want so anyone that gets hooked into a just a banquet menu it's like you can't choose it's super effective being i've been a waiter for so many years of course at a restaurant the kitchen must love people in and it's higher spend per head and it's zero work on your behalf ultimately i end up i did end up just going hey how about i just build you a little mini banquet for half the price which the the customers love and the kit like the bosses hate all the

bosses hate it but then i'm like who am i what's my job to make the customers as happy as possible yeah good we'll get better tips doing that one yeah you get better you don't get good tips when you get spent per head over a certain amount because people are just tapped out yeah and they're like we want to spend per head super high i'm like lick my arsehole for 80 dollars yeah or pay me more and i'll get you more money otherwise if i'm just getting the same amount of money i'm gonna just make these people really happy yeah same as people be like oh they're no takeaway at this fancy restaurant i worked at because there was a legality of getting food poisoning. Oh, H&S. Occupational Health and Safety shit in Australia.

Yeah. If you let someone take fucking chicken home, they might forget that you should refrigerate that. Yeah, yeah. And then they serve. I go to the windowsill and I eat it seven days later and it's like, the restaurant gave me food poisoning. No, you're a dumb cunt. Yeah, that's right. Well, you would like to think that's how the world works.

But you can't have it the other way where you let companies run what they can do to people. Otherwise, that's a nightmare. So it probably is better than it. I'm just genuinely devastated to find out that all you drink is not, because that to me has always been my retirement plan. It's no good. Is it not?

What do you mean? Just buy the drinks you need. Oh, just, yeah drinks you need you cannot drink $200 worth of fucking cider or whatever you're drinking that night but that's what

they say it's all drinks included but that's not going to be top shelf it's not going to be

shit drinks shit drinks I'm definitely in the corner for fucking falling for that I'm glad UK came and stopped

this I feel like this was an intervention before it happened interventions you all came back you all went into time machine

instead of going back and doing it kill Hitler drinks packages you just come back to stop me just being that sad lonely bloke

on a cruise being like it's all you can drink it's $700 cruise ships is the prime place for it as well is it? because that's the one

I was generally I was like because cruise ships like seven days if you've got $400 you can drink I can drink $400 worth of booze in fucking seven days

yeah but then you've got to think are these grubby fucking profiteering cunts doing this for the benefit of you

they're running a business of course but I just assume I feel like I would be the anomaly like they're planning for they're planning for seven so i that's what i feel like i would i would be the one i would be the fat kind that turned up to the buffet being like ah there's a guy here

in australia comedian like radio personality ed cavalli is one of the captains on have you been paying attention and he's been kicked out of i believe believe, six all-you-can-eat buffets. So he's a guy that doesn't drink and does heavy lifts. He's a fucking shredded unit and only eats meat. So they're like, here's some potatoes. He's like, nah. They're like, here's bread. Nah.

And just eats meat, meat, meat. And they're like, here's vegetables and salad. He's like, no. Meat, meat, meat. And they just eventually go, you've got to go. And he's like you said all you can eat sorry I didn't fall

for your fucking bread horse shit I'm not a dumb cunt bring me protein that's great yeah just eating protein until you get booted

which is the he's broken it yeah yeah he's broken it so much that he's legit but we had Brazilian BBQ

remembering Brisbane and I remember years ago on a US radio show Obi and Anthony the host and comedian

Bob Kelly Patrice O'Neill went to a BBQ Brazilian BBQ place and Patrice and Bobby were saying the secret is don't take the meat

they offer you at the start it's the shit cuts of meat wait until the good cuts come out and there were times at that place I was going

nah nah I don't want that nah nah nah till you get the fancy shit do you want this sausage I'm like

no it's not first thing out it's not going to be good it's just yeah you look going for value but you're never

really going to beat them really beat the game and it was 60 bucks a head yeah you could easily go yeah you could go to fucking Rockpool

Rockpool and have a steak or go to fucking rockpool rockpool and have a steak or go to fucking coles and buy three kilograms of grapes gotta clean it

yourself though yeah but even if you beat them your fucking organs don't they'll get you yeah

yeah I don't mind if I beat me I still want to beat the system yeah I have one muggle corner

I imagine it's straight in I understand some of the reasoning behind it but Mugga's watched Wrestlemania watching it

like live or television on television no today yeah today Wrestlemania's on people pulled out the demo

I'm surprised they didn't know this yeah because they're going to watch it now again I understand that like

we do the same with UFC but that's like legit violence in sports now again I understand that like you know we do the same with UFC but that's like legit violence in sports Wrestlemania I understand it's a soap

wrestling is a soap opera in the same way that people who watch Kardashians are like it's the male version of that but I would also argue

Kardashians is muggle therefore it's soap opera it's male soap opera you like to enjoy it it doesn't make you a bad person females too

Ronda Rousey was on it yeah it's big business Wrestlemania I mean I'm definitely going to watch it I watched it as a kid until I realised

there were actual adults fighting like properly fighting the second you watch UFC you're like oh this shit UFC wrecked boxing I grew up on boxing

my godfather was Australasia welterweight champ grew up with boxing love it and then saw UFC and went Fuck there's two other limbs And all these other things they can use Boxing is

Watching Mayweather fight Is incredible because he's a defensive genius Obviously a fucking shit bloke Doesn't need to be said But he's a defensive genius It's great But the whole time you're like Why doesn't he kick his leg

Or choke him out or grab his back and when McGregor kept accidentally grabbing his back and the ref had called it off you're like

oh stop in a real fight rules rules rules in sport so let's just go around this Wrestlemania

yours was Bluetooth speakers in public all inclusive banquet or drinks package and baby talk and shitty little names I'm definitely in the corner

I think I'm in the corner for I'm away for two minutes No not Wrestlemania I'm going to watch it But not live I still think even then I'm still going to be a fucking bloke Sitting on a couch smoking a joint

I'm going to watch it I'm in the corner for a fucking bloke sitting on a couch smoking a joint being like, I'm going to watch it, man. Download it tonight. I'm watching it. I'm in the corner for WrestleMania. Let's do it. Cute nicknames. I don't think I'll do it, but my baby cake's standing.

Sloss, mate, disagree. Bang. Bang. And I've definitely, I've definitely in parks used Bluetooth speakers. I would never... In a park?

What? Yeah, well, not me. I was with somebody who did it and they didn't stop them. Oh, yeah, you are guilty. I was eating in a park what yeah well not me I was with somebody that did it and I didn't stop them oh yeah you are guilty I was eating in a bed yeah if you let that go

I was an accessory to their accessory what is it good men only fucking stop evil yeah yeah doing nothing is

all they need to do is do nothing before we go to the dad jokes plug your shows because we do genuinely have a fair bunch

of fucking fans in Melbourne sweet it is not me there's a long one boys there's a long one

51 oh yeah we've got dad jokes super joke volcano 7.30 in the city do a google come along

it's a fucking great show fun show it's real silly it's in a little bloody little underground basement yeah nice that's where all the best comedy is yeah Google, come along. It's a fucking great show. Fun show, it's real silly. It's in a little bloody, little underground basement. Yeah,

nice. It's where all the best comedy is. Yeah. I'm at Loose Unit, Nick Hardy, Loose Unit, Vic Hotel, 9.45,

8.45 Sundays, and then all Perth, Auckland, Sydney. Luke Heggy, Tip Rat, I'm at 8.15 at the Mantra Hotel, 7.45 Mondays in the Town Hall.

Then I'm going to Perth, Auckland, Sydney myself, same times. And you're on, I'm on Melbourne every day at 9. Google it, you can't, you know what to do. Yes. Right, I will start. So obviously direct your dad jokes at someone otherwise. Oh, right. Yeah, we change it as we go.

So I'll start with you but maybe I'll go first because I can't find my yeah you go first

Sloss your dad only buys soft drink at duty free but your dad buys his

light brown velcro shoes at the hospital the left one's built up Your dad buys his light brown Velcro shoes at the hospital. The left one's built up. Heggie, your dad wears a sports bra during sex.

Great. All right. Cody, your dad sheds a small old shoe box full of cum Peggy Your dad says Every Friday is a good Friday Sloss When your dad has a shower He sits on a plastic chair

And drinks at least two beers And one iron brew Soft drink in the shower is fucking sad so that is but it's the chaser two beers and then go i better go back to a softy yeah i do have work soon nick your dad has a list of five celebrities he's allowed to cheat on your mum with.

They are Angelina Jolie, Big Bird, Lois from Family Guy, Mrs. Potato Head and me. All right.

Peggy, your dad does yard work even though he lives in an apartment. He breaks the balcony. What a cunt.

Sloss, your dad doesn't like Conor McGregor anymore. Cody, your dad's bum bag is filled with after dinner mince and a yo-yo. Because you never know. Bart, your dad licks his finger before turning the page on a Kindle okay

sloths your dad wears hiking gear in the city with when always says you never know but when doing push-ups your dad kisses the ground and when doing sit-ups, your dad kisses the ground, and when doing sit-ups, kisses his arsehole. Sloss, your dad thinks strippers are falling in love with him. Haggy, your dad does the smell test on condoms to check if they're used. Outside or inside? Ask him. smell test on condoms to check if they're used. That's on the inside. Ask them. Cody, your dad's toolbox is full of signed Tony Robbins motivational books. Because it's the only tool he needs.

It's what you need to fix anything. But your dad holds his dick real hard when he wanks and calls it WrestleMania. But when your dad goes to the beach, he packs his guitar so he can initiate a no woman, no Christ sing-along. But there are loads of women and they're all Christ. It's very ironic. It's great. Cody, your dad turned up

to couples therapy with a doll to point out where on his body your mum touched him and he pointed it nowhere and cried and asked if she thought he was fat. Alright. Sloss, your dad is a small Endangering mammal

And this is my last one Sloss Your dad is your dad It's like a joke Cultist act Perfect So good Cody

When you told your dad You thought you might be gay, he asked you if your skid marks were red. So good. Hagi, your dad has never been in a conga leg because he's scared of commitment. Sloss, your dad cries when he watches Sisterhood of the

travelling pants but when your dad built a Balinese rice terrace on the front lawn he ordered too much bamboo

so he made a chair all his friends talk behind his back about how shit the chair is Cody your dad doesn't wipe his arse because he says

it counts as manscaping just save it for the yearly wax no wax needed just fucking chisel you gotta chisel it off Peggy

your dad built a time machine and used it to travel back for the first time that someone said, pull my finger. Cody, your dad feeds his connect four mistakes back up through the holes and tries to take his fucking turn again. Oh.

Eggie, your dad paid a dominatrix two grand to make him stand on Lego. Cody, your dad's favourite board game is Minions themed Monopoly. Sloss. Instead of having dinner, your dad stands outside the exhaust fans at McDonald's and breathes in the meaty air. Alright, yeah. Sloss. Your dad brings leftovers to an airport.

In his arsehole. That's where the stuffing's meant to be. yeah sloss your dad brings leftovers to an airport in his asshole that's where the stuffing's meant to be yeah but your dad keeps a condom in his velcro wallet

peggy your dad is an ancient mummy cursed to walk the earth forever alright well done alright Peggy, your dad is an ancient mummy cursed to walk the earth forever. Fucking excellent work, boys. I've got one more.

Go on, Dad. Everybody, your dad yells bromance when he sees fashion-conscious men walking together. Boys, we'll have to do that one again that was a very very good one thank you very much for being on it yay bye cunts