Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.34 Historically Accurate

Episode Date: April 13, 2018

Kai teaches Elliot a history lesson about WW1 after reading a lot off books not quite letting them all sink in and filling in the blanks himself. Elliot being Elliot he isn't the man to correct any inaccuracies so we don't suggest listening to this podcast if you have a history exam coming up. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and Cream, Cream and Muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' Muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aww, Muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

My mind's telling me cream, but my Muggins, my Muggins is telling me milk. Even I'm getting sick of these now. That was fucking diabolical. That was a fucking good one, wasn't it? That was awful. And we are off the block. Sloss and Humphries on the road. Main of Sloss.

When's Sloss coming back? He's been fucking on form lately he's been he's released three podcasts in the last two weeks yeah but

I didn't listen to the last one it's got Heggie Bart Freeburn and Cody on and I haven't listened to it

because I've got a long journey coming up tomorrow where are you off to I'm going to let them keep me company I'm going to Dublin ah

Northern Ireland very nice it's all Northern Ireland. It's all Northern Ireland. You're just going over there and tearing open fucking old scars, weren't you? Oh yeah. Oh,

what did you do again? You went over and this is one of your bits. I'm not asking you to fuck the audience, but this is a bit that's based on something that happened. Yeah. I went, you went, go on.

Oh, do you want me to, I went, I went over there when I was 17 to do The Empire. So this was in Belfast, in Northern Ireland? Yeah, in Belfast. I've never been to the Republic. And I went over there when I was 17 and I didn't really understand

what was going on with them. Yeah, I still don't. Because I was born in 96 i think the good friday agreement was signed in 96 or something i think we've done them so it's best that we don't do a history lesson all right yeah basically i think we got northern ireland in the transfer market on a loan it come over it got a few goals with us so we got a great on loan to buy and then um and then i so i went over there when I was 17 years old, didn't really understand, walked on stage in the Empire,

and I fucking am bombing. And I did a joke where I mentioned I was from Croydon, and my opening joke back then was, oh, hello, my name's Elliot, I'm from Croydon, don't worry, I survived the riots. Also got a TV out of it. So it all worked out. And they just fucking looked at me.

What do you know about riots? Yeah. What a fucking buff I swear. An armed militia faking the actual fucking army. Oh yeah, they just looked so unimpressed. And then someone, someone came up to me afterwards and went, you know the last time we heard your accent, it was telling us to put our hands against the wall and i was like oh okay and i went back a year later and blew a threesome yeah yeah

i got uh two girls back to my hotel room and uh one of them fell off the bed and slipped a disc. Like generally this isn't an excuse. That's what happened. Had to call like an ambulance thing. And so I walked down past the guy who'd let us up into our room. And there's a girl getting into it. It's like an ambulance like cab thing. And that guy was just looking at me me like what the fuck is this English bastard

being doing it was a proper tragic moment as well new hip for Cheryl it was a proper tragic moment as well where I had to go to the girls

I was helping them out I was like I just had to know was it on it was then was it yeah it was then I was like 18 at the time

and it was I'm surprised they booked you back that quick oh no no fucking they haven't I haven't been back since But I was like 18 at the time, man. I'm surprised they booked you back that quick. Oh, no, no, fucking... They haven't. They're with Off The Curb. Yeah, I haven't been back since. They'll fucking take a lot of people there

because it's a midweek gig for low-paying cash. And I think if you're from a certain part of England, you're in for a tough time in that gig. Turbulent. Yeah. I get away with being Geordie, right? They could say, in Scotland and Wales and Ireland and Northern Ireland like they could say like in scotland and wales and ireland and northern ireland they could say all the way from england right or and throws under

the bus as a compare he's come up from england and there'd be like a little bit of unrest in the audience as they collectively hit on the english and then they hear a jordy accent in here like oh you got fucked by the british government too oh yeah they'll be like oh they pulled the back guy they pulled the backbone out of all of the industry in the north east and all the transport links and just

fucking left you there so I get a pass you don't no you don't get that pass but you know what

I do get I get an underground in London and I'd rather have that than the fucking respect of a certain

part of people is that attitude why people hate you? yeah but you know what like I don't understand any of the things with like those whenever I watch basically I watch the Ross Kemp episode

so I kind of understand it all there's some guys who walk up and down in orange and they all get fucked off but like the rest of the country get fucked or there's a part of them get fucked off by it i'm with the guys who get fucked off because i think the people walking up and down in the orange they're doing that as like silly boys like yeah and i've i understand that because uh brighton palace sometimes the brighton fans deliberately walk past the palace pub with the police walk and it's like deliberately antagonistic yeah it's antagonistic and like some fans i don't condone it will like throw a beer can or something and then the police

go and have to shut the place down and make it out there was a riot when it wasn't it was like one what is like the death of english hooliganism is now someone will launch a beer can at like and it will go nowhere near the fans and the police will shut the whole of Croydon down. And then they go, you see, this is why. And you're like, well, yeah, because you walked them by all the palace. But what did you think was going to happen? It's causing trouble. Do we live in a real world? I was in Derry, which is the, I think they call it Slash Town,

a stroke town or something, because they have a stroke between Derry, London Derry. Derry, stroke, London Derry. So whichever way you want to call it, depending on where you're inclined. Right. And I didn't, you know,

normally you get up like, oh, it's good to be here in Liverpool. It's good to be here in Birmingham, right? It's good to be here in, I'm going to upset half the room here. It's good to be here.

What do you call this place when you couldn't give a fuck? That's how I opened in Dry and i was just like honestly because i just like i love all of you but i just don't i feel like i'm at my mate's house when he's arguing with his missus and you're like you're like i get along with you both really well but can one of you give me a lift home it's like when you uh when you gig in edinburgh and you'll do a thing and you'll be like hey fuck Glasgow am I right and you think like please never come see me

in Glasgow because when I'm there it's way more hey fuck Edinburgh am I right yeah like I do I used to say in Glasgow like I've moved to Edinburgh

with the rest of the English people like calling people from Edinburgh English but like I'm English and I'm going I'm English and I've moved to Edinburgh but they're all English

in Glasgow like they fucking are English oh you feel like a proper race traitor when you're in Scotland then you start slagging up I've moved to Edinburgh and they're all English. And Glasgow are like, they fucking are English. You feel like a proper race traitor when you're in Scotland and you start slagging off. Like when I'm there and I start slagging off London. I'm like,

hey, fuck London, am I right? And I'm like, I can't wait to get back and get a night bus. Glasgow does have an underground though. Oh, not really. It's got one that covers the whole place. I'm sorry, Glasgow,

you haven't got an underground. No, hold on. That doesn't count hold on a minute in Glasgow you've got one loop that goes clockwise and counterclockwise that hits every fucking spot in Glasgow in London you've just got that fucking

mishmash of cable you've got going on in there get off at the central lane and then walk across bank to the station to the northern lane and then go up and you're just like could have just got a fucking Uber build the 1800sgow built it when the fuck i don't know i'm peddling fucking knowledge i don't have but by the seams of it glasgow built it when they when they had their shit together yeah the the problem with london is that that

underground is like 100 and something years old oh yeah it's mentioned in dracula and and so because some of it's like 100 it's like the same thing with uh why the the trains in london the out of london trains are fucked like if you go down to where i live they're hundreds of years old there's stations that are there that probably don't need to be there but there's line stopping it's the same with i found out that you know the m25 around london right uh it was originally just meant to be one stop in every borough so you jump on it you jump off depending where you're going the problem was all the small towns around the m25

started complaining it was going to take away business so once one small light little place got a thing that went off for him all of them got it so it completely fucking destroyed the point of the m25 so now as a as a ring road of it's just meant to be like one giant ring road like okay you live in south london you want to get to the edge of north london but now there's too many ons and offs too many ons and offs so people just jump on it to go a little distance so it defeats the purpose of it oh what my point is but like basically south london hasn't got an underground my point is it's a it's an old city that if you could start again with london you do it very differently oh like, absolutely. I feel like, I'm genuinely unsure about when Glasgow became a city,

but I feel like it's way more modern because it's got that New York-style grid roads a lot of the time. It has got, we had meandering motorways, which are cool as fuck because they bypass everything. But if you look at Edinburgh, none of that's fucking gridded. They built that city when you are getting the quickest route from A to B on a horse. Everything's interlocked. if you're on a horse

right you wouldn't go on like down two blocks and then left and then go on two blocks and wait at traffic lights right you just want to fucking

go on up and over the hills and shit oh man Edinburgh's like a game of Sim City Creator that's gone fucking wrong you know what I mean getting drunk

yeah you don't know how to pave the cobbles on the streets and then you just put a castle in the middle of it and then a festival and then a tram lane i like that tram line oh man what a fucking mess that city was for years as they went over budget and fucking over time just trying to like you could probably like i said a modern city that's

more of a grid system you can probably get a tram and then oh by the way you'd like block some roads and divert and all that but they just did not have the fucking it like don't get me wrong you could give me several trillion pounds and went put a tram system in edinburgh and i couldn't have done it right with all of the money at my back i couldn't have done it so it's easy for me to go what what a mess that is i wouldn't like to be the guy with that challenge somebody did it i quite like i thought the trams were quite useful because when i was when i did a reading this year and had to come back up to the festival so you have to leave early in the morning fly down get picked up do reading get dropped off fly back i got to the to the airport and jumped on the tram and it was actually quite quick to like Princes Street

me and Sloss raced it right we've mentioned it on the podcast already but just people that haven't caught up he was adamant

that it wasn't as quick on the tram and I was like it's a fucking tram it's a straight line if you get in a taxi you're getting every traffic light on the way

so he took the taxi and I got the tram and he managed to get in three games of FIFA oh yeah he lives quite close to the taxi and I got the tram and he managed to get in three games of FIFA. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He lives quite close to the airport, though.

He got back so quick. Like, I thought he was, like, joking about how long he'd been back, but, like, he'd finished a spliff. He had his record. Like, you can see

the games he played. And I was just like, oh, right, like, you just come in and fucking run. He went back to the airport, went on holiday. Ah, yeah.

Fucking, he'd actually started putting posters up on lampposts to see where I am while you were on a tram a missing sign appeared on the tram and yeah

it's not even that cheap really it's like five minimum five but six years Croydon has trams and I get them maybe once a year

when i accidentally go to west cradon instead of east cradon and have to jump on the tram it's the only time i ever get the tram did you worry your trams came off yeah yeah a lot of people died yeah holy shit but if that happened at edinburgh no one would get hurt because they just like pushed them a little bit like gently nudged them doing the street because they're fucking slow oh like six mile an hour or something it's mad it happened uh you just be in the middle of a conversation the tram would come off the tracks and they'd just be going oh two seconds mate i'm just getting pushed doing the road by this tram dude it's it's it's insane like there's someone like i think it's like an old line because the way it bends it doesn't like just bend it like it's like some

formula one sort of bend you know you got them striped pavements yeah yeah it's like it's just it's just a pure but i don't know why i'm signaling like the podcast listeners are able to see but they can feel your body language oozing through the microphone and it just like bend and one went down there too fast and i came off i'm sure i've mentioned this on the podcast before people started marking themselves safe who lived in brighton and i was like you what are you fucking doing i live in croydon and i don't get on that tram muggles yeah that is mugglery when people mark themselves safe when they're not near the area i think we might have covered we've covered

it so many times. Surely. Speaking of marking ourselves safe, have you seen the news of Russia and America about a go at war again? Oh, fucking... They're like Ross and Rachel, man. Just fucking get it over with. Go for each other.

Bunch of pussies always talking. No one's from nukes. Make it get exciting. So that's what's going on. The Syrian government poisoned some rebels, gassed some rebels or something. Oh, yeah. Mate, again, a pedal of knowledge I don't have.

This is what's wonderful about this podcast. You just get fucking information from me and you. If there's any Syrian rebels listening, tweet us at ElliotSteelcom. So Trump isn't there. Trump isn't going to go on his visit to Latin America and instead he's going to

work out what he's going to do with the Syrian government and Russia not like fucking go for it bitch I think that's what's happening hey I've done a lot more

research on World War One since the last time we talked about it okay do you want to know how World War One started go on is it the Archduke of

Ferdinand Archduke of Ferdinand the Archduke Les Ferdinand of New Castle archduke of ferdinand archduke of ferdinand the archduke les ferdinand of newcastle frank ferdinand right i'll talk you through it it's all about allegiances right france had an allegiance with russia i'm not sure where that allegiance stemmed from but russia weren't seen as a big powerhouse at the time they just lost a little skirmish with japan right but russia and france they're big powerhouse at the time. They just lost a little skirmish with Japan. But Russia and France, they're buddies. And at the same time, Germany and the Austro-Hungarian Empire are buddies. But for no other reason than they're the central power. They're together.

They're the axis, right? They're right in the middle. Yeah, but they were called the axis. Axis of evil. Is that what that is? No, they were just called the axis. That's never come up in any of my literature that I've read so far. Oh. Yeah, but they were called the Axis. Axis of Evil. Is that what that is? No, they were just called the Axis. That's never come up in any of my literature that I've read so far.

Oh, right. Maybe they were. There was the Allies and the Axis, or that might be World War II. Right. So you've got Austro-Hungarian, European, Germany, who are just like,

they're just brothers, right? They're like, we don't necessarily get along. They've got no real reason to be partners. Describing your brothers. Me and Gab. your relationship with Gab we had a boxing match we don't necessarily get along

but he's there you wouldn't say aye-nye me and Gab get along great we've had some we've had some business arguments so we'll have but we're fucking buddies so they're

they're getting along just for the sake of we're surrounded by France by Russia by the Ottoman Empire. Did that just do a little blink? Yeah. It seems to have full battery. Oh, okay, cool.

I don't know what that was. So they're surrounded by people. Syria, not Syria, Serbia, which is like, fuck. I don't even know if that's in the Ottoman Empire. I don't think it is. But Serbia, oh, with Russia, right? fuck I don't even know if that's in the Ottoman Empire I don't think it is but Serbia or with Russia

right England aren't with France right England even though England went and fought with France we didn't give a fuck

about them we were just like crack on they asked us for help and we were just like when it kicked off and we were just like nah I'm grand

you seem to have your thing going on over there we're just going to sit here and have some industry but we did have an agreement with Belgium that they remain neutral. I think it's because we had trade routes to the Antwerp, to the port.

We were just buddies with Belgium, but Belgium were neutral. And they didn't really have big armies because Britain's got that back. So that's where we're at at the minute. But then this fucking Serbian guy, and it wasn't even in Serbia, it was in Bosnia. It was in Sarajevo this Serbian guy Gavali Princip shot the Archduke Franz Ferdinand

who was there making like I don't know he had like he had very progressive plans actually he would have probably been the person

that they shouldn't have shot they should have probably shot the other fucking Franz was this year like they wanted a war and this was the reason

to go to war like weren't they already looking to go they was the reason to go to war like weren't they already looking to go they were already looking to go right so austria austral hungarian empire just fucking checked in with germany you've got my back right in germany we're like of course we'll get it back where the fucking central power was surrounded right and then austria just fucking ran in and just done a passion like in hot blood fucking attack on serbia right and then austria all of a sudden germany what it war, and then, bloody Austria, all of a sudden, Germany,

at war, right, and they'd already fucking, made plans of fucking attacking shit, so they already had plans in order, for when war kicked off, because they were probably going to invade anyway, right,

but then, Russia, stuck up for fucking Serbia, so all of a sudden, Germany, attacked Russia, then all of a sudden, France,

attacked Germany on the other front, because, it's the kick off of all of the fucking, the allegiances and then fucking England is still sat there just going, no, we're cool the fucking stupid Germans went and marched right through fucking Belgium, but marched with force

through Belgium, them big Bertha bombs like blowing up the, like and England fucking got involved and then all of a sudden it's fucking and then, on top of that, Germany fucking docked some of their ships in turkey right and fucking the turkish like well like oh well you've given away that we're not neutral by parking here so the fucking germans put feathers on so they would

look turkish and just go oh just pretend you bought my boats so they're just doing this fucking big battleship with feathers on and then when we went er Turkey I'm not found for your little hat routine that's almost as bad as the glasses with the nose it was it was that on a global war scale it was fucking that level

of bullshit right there's fucking photographs of this big German battle cruise of a fucking German guy with fucking feathers on swear to god and then and then Britain

would just say just say how I take you you fucking mugs and then we sent in our forces from India and Anzac like the Australia

and New Zealand parts of the British Empire so that's when it became a global war when the rest of the fucking continent started rushing in on and

what's the place called again begins with G Nacho Brula. People are screaming at the podcast now. But anyway, I think in a nutshell, that's how World War I kicked off. Right.

I thought it was to do with like, the reason they were arguing was over empires. Like a lot of it was to do with Africa. So it was like, kind of like, oh, we want, like it was,

and it wasn't. I haven't went back that far, but there was shit going on, like the Bois Wars were against the Dutch, weren't they? Yeah, all of that stuff, but then...

I feel like I've joined in on season three. Right, yeah. You know what I mean? Because, as bad as World War I was, right, how good is Battlefield 1

as a video game? Is that a World War I game? Yeah, mate. I've never played it. Mate, you've got to get on board of Battlefield 1. Oh, it's the shit oh it's what what platform uh ps4 this is this is because i thought like if battlefield fucking fours out or something i thought it might have been on the ps3 no no no no battlefield there's like battlefield four but battlefield one is

world war one it's the newest one oh really battlefield 1 oh shit mate you've got to get on it it's the best first person shooter it's better than Call of Duty oh yeah I want to take that on just to fucking amass myself in it and cry I don't think Sloss is ever going to be angrier

while listening to a podcast and then be nobads you explain World War 1 to me you could have made anything up I mean I filled in some blanks I'm going to be honest it's me you could have been like oh yeah and there was this guy

named Jonathan and he just decided he was going to streak all through Europe and everyone went at war I'll just put this up as a Facebook status because I enjoyed it did you read it? No I'll tell it to the podcast there was this young boy 14 years old like in 1914

and he was in juvenile detention and he escaped by squeezing through the bars. He fucking snuck out of his detention centre by squeezing through the bars. And then he went, actually, he'd done this on purpose. It wasn't just like, it just didn't transpire to happen. But he picked a victim who was a soldier that was going back on the front line, right?

Like a few years older than him because he was at the age of consent for war. And he got him drunk drunk got him pissed stole his rifle his papers and his badges and got on the fucking whatever the boat the the transport to the front line in france as the guy who got pissed 14 years old right and he's in the fucking front line by his own admission at the age of 14 and he's just not enjoying the banter and his battalion this bunch of people he doesn't know

and aren't really accepting of him and that and he's like oh fuck this these bellends and he just whacked through the trenches until he found other people that were from where he was from and fucking obviously

he's a scouser he just went for a wander down the trenches and he just went for a wander down the trenches and fucking funned some other scousers and just went for a one down doing the trenches and fucking fun some of their scouts

and just went like oh fuck I'll fight with these guys you know my brother and then he got funned out and sent home but still hilarious

that's an actual legend so what was so he broke out of prison and then decided I've had enough of prison

I fancy going to war I just went out to war just like I had my own admission 14 years old fucked 14 years old fucked 14 years

old Zano couldn't get the bus to Newcastle I want to do a bit about this yeah but this is I've been doing a bit about this

you see like when I say this thing now where I go people have to be patient between with men aged 16 and 30

because it's such a difficult time for us and it really is because when shit kicks off with Russia it's me who's going to be fucking drafted like it's me who's going to be drafted and dropped out over in russia and i'm like you know i go to the gym i train a little bit they're going to look at me and go yep put him on the front line he could be killed by eagle yeah like and we're not

winning that war i don't think i don't think that's so true now because you know like if you if you didn't what's it called conscientious rejection no that's not conscientious object conscientious object object where you say no

and like in the past they would get fucking locked up and they would be like frowned upon by society I think like in today's society

you'd be celebrated for saying no this is your fault yeah but I'm not a wee bitch well you were going there no they need little

fucking jaw heads like you no I'd be that guy like no no I'm not a wee bitch. Well, you were going there. No. They need little fucking jawheads like you. No. I'd be that guy, like, no, no, I've got a fucking feeling for sloths on the podcast. I got my dad to... The people need laughter. I got my dad to sing this form, like a fucking...

Like, I forgot my uniform, fucking excuse. Oh, man, it's mad when, like, things get weird with Russia, because, you know, like, people... Napoleon couldn't invade because of the winter. Hitler couldn't invade because of the winter. oh man it's mad when like things get weird with russia because you know like people napoleon couldn't invade because of the winter hitler couldn't invade because of the winter and we think we're gonna win we'll send out a fucking tank replacement bus you ever tried to get from one bit of britain to the other when it's snowing and we think we're gonna get through siberia we need to cool our hype when shit gets off with them. That's my bit of logic on what's going on in the world right now.

Russia's a fucking interesting beast. It's just massive. Why is it so massive? How do you fucking claim that much land? Is it because it's flat? I started reading that book you were talking about, Prison as a Geography, and I think it's just because it's such an expanse of flatness after there's

some mountains like a third not even a third like a quarter of the way in Russia there's some mountains and everything east of that

like the European side of it is like you know like Moscow and everything that's more European and then the rest of it Siberia that's all like

fucking flat land so I guess the only way you can defend it if you haven't got any like geographical borders is to just keep expanding until you reach until you reach

a geographical border that's what the book says isn't it like sea or mountain range so I think that's why it's such a big place but

it's just which makes it impossible to invade I don't know I don't know I wouldn't know how to invade a country like I ain't gonna say

that's my area of expertise which I don't think anyone was ever gonna ask me innit do you know if I was gonna invade a country do you know where i'd invade fucking san marino bruv like so we could stop playing them in the qualifiers what sort of their players can play for you now no i'm just like why am i having to stop the premier league because i've got to watch fucking England play Montenegro okay

just bruv go over there take that and just be like look you could be part of us why did Luxembourg have to be neutral

could you not just go and vomit even if Jeremy took your woman right just fuck me man you don't need to be you're ruining

the Premier League every week that's again my London-centric side. It's coming through, isn't it? Self-pity. Should we... How long have we done? Is it Muggle time?

We've done 25 minutes. I think we could probably get into some... I've got to defend my thing. I was involved in a Facebook status. Is this part of your Muggle corner? Is this something you want to talk about? Oh, it's something I want to talk about. You got blamed.

I got blamed? I was put up in a victim... I wouldn't even know how to explain it. Somebody made a parody account of a comedian who we know called Sophie Hagen, who is controversial in some of our opinions. I always get along with Sophie. I don't get along with Sophie I don't get along with

I don't agree with a lot of the things that she says online she should be allowed to say it but she's allowed to say that and you know what I don't reply to anything

with me disagreement because this is her feed this is her opinion and I don't want to I don't want to be that guy that gets into a trolling war

but you have once or twice engaged you engaged once where she was trying to say that coconut water were fat shaming people be that guy that gets into a trolling war but you have once or twice engaged you engaged once where she was trying to say that coconut water were fat shaming people yeah and you were just like that's your battle you're trying to bring down coconut water yeah which is very funny and very valid but like it's a why you're getting into that i just i just got involved i just found it funny like just like coconut water like i was sending it tweets going fuck you with your

refreshing and replenishing taste like it's not it's not providing a lovely service for yeah and it is it she was like going at it for like a stance of like because it had a thing saying uh get that beach body and it's like i try to get a beach there is a market for that i know i can understand i can see the point of people but guess what i get involved in the whole get you to get a beach body sort of whatever that is that's a marketplace for me someone like me who tries to do it and i buy into that service me too i've seen the the retaliation to get a beach body and it wasn't that advertising campaign it was to the one that was at the london underground protein world one the protein world one get a big beach body ready and then there was this thing that went around how to be beach body ready one find a beach to have a body and then i just want to write

three brackets optional workout yeah eat well there's no harm in it i love getting i'll say this i like getting into shape like at the moment i'm because of all that the stuff that i do i can't i can't go to muay thai or anything and it's a it frustrates me like i feel a little bit like oh that's that's one thing i like doing you feel good you wake up with a bit of a fucking get up and go the connection between the body and the mind there's no negative side effects to trying to pursue a beach body and if people don't want to do it that's fine i think it's a bit muggly to be like oh i'm not gonna do it i'm gonna and it's like okay i understand but then you you can't be upset you can't get jealous of the person who it's like anything if you put a bit of time and effort into something you're gonna get a bit more of a result

than someone who's anyway that's not the point the biggest victim of this campaign was the the model in the poster the girl who worked out like to a point that she looked fantastic in a bikini and she fucking did yeah right not in a pervy point of view but as a person who worked out like to a point that she looked fantastic in a bikini and she fucking did right not in a pervy point of view but as a person who works out going you fucking

really worked hard it's her job to look to look fucking wonderful and look you are pleasing on the eye that's just the way it is just the same

some smells smell good and some smells smell bad right it's not objective farts stink right and I was looking at that going yep that is a nice smell for the eyes what the fuck was that i went down on that i was saying if that was a fucking

overweight person it would be like getting cupcakes it would be like getting your eyes and it's not the wrong way but you don't want to see the Sloss will be listening to this one after the World War 1 chat just tearing his hair out this is what I want

my podcast to be guys no flat shaming I'm not flat shaming I am just saying objectively for me the fucking

people marketing called it that I would enjoy looking at that and I fucking did so when I looked at that I would enjoy looking at that and I fucking did so when I looked at that I was like

cool she looks great now she got fucking her poster campaign pulled down she's probably dead excited telling her family I've got this big gig

I'm the face of the protein advert I'm in a bikini dad on the underground you're gonna be proud you were worried I was gonna get a beer porn star weren't you pops oh well guess what

now that they've fucking brought down my posters fucking I've got to make ends meet and now that girl is taking loads on her face because people got insecure about their weight

so I've got my opinions you know I don't lock horns I don't lock horns I don't lock horns with anybody and if anybody locks horns with me on this because of

it's exactly the point I make is Hagen's allowed her point to allow you're on your podcast you're allowed

your place absolutely and we both do get along and someone made a parody account of her and she sort of wrote

a status accusing me of being one of the people who made the parody account but the thing was one i think parody accounts at the best of time are shit like they've got to be really good like boring james milner the twitter account of that that is put so much dedication and it makes me go every now and then like they're not for me sick little this parody account was dog shit so i was more offended that she thought it was me because it was a load of shit jokes you think you would have made some more astute comments oh yeah it just there wasn't subtlety wasn't its strong point shall i say yeah like and thirdly it was like what what annoyed me afterwards was loads of people started making these statuses, tagging me in them, like coming to my defence without me. I just ignored the entire situation.

And even when you don't agree with the people that stick it up for you, like you feel like they're talking with your voice. Yeah. And you're like, oh, this isn't how I want to project myself right now. Yeah. It's like you see like people who with Brexit, it's like people probably voted leave for a valid reason. Then you get these people go, I blow passport. And passport and you go oh they're on my team yeah like you are not helping oh you fucking idiots you're on my team you know i mean i felt like that i felt like there was just a load of things going on that were to do with with me and you just suddenly go like why in this situation do i do I make a comment but it's almost as if

if I comment that's an admission or if I say I didn't do it people also but if I stay silent is that an admission of guilt and do you know what I did Kai? I went and played Fortnite

and I had a great time you had a good time you just let it you just let it simmer in the background you let it bubble that's the best way is just stay fucking silent

it blows over quicker but the thing is you didn't do it you didn't do the account no and she assumed you did the account and she was talking that you were turning your followers onto her and stuff that but then she turned her followers onto you so the hypocrisy behind it was just a bit icky i got 1600 followers on twitter five of them reply every now and then like I my followers on Twitter nobody sat there

going new Elliot Stiltweet they're all off this podcast exactly and I've tried to bang all of no my dad listens to this

he tried to bang my dad if he starts a Twitter nah but yeah it was I was just felt like I was in the middle of you know what it felt like I felt like I was in the middle of like some

sort of controversy like I was at raw imagine what Bill Clinton felt like when he was going through his thing where he just got he just went and got a blouser and he's no longer president which is I'm sure

how it went down in a nutshell yeah pretty much I feel like this cunt at the minute he could get blown by a goat and be like ah fuck this sound ah it's fucking

what's he like you've got to admire it he's been accused of everything he's fucking Teflon you see that scene on Band of Brothers where the fucking guy's running

and bullets are just fucking whizzing past him and he gets from one end of the battlefield to the other and I'm just looking at the

fucking Donald Trump hand is there anything you could do that you wouldn't get fucking blown up he said grab them by the

pussy if I said that on this podcast I'd be in trouble yeah you can you can literally Podcasts are being troubled. Yeah, you can literally do an address like he can get up from behind the desk and be in no pants and just start rubbing his dick across the desk

while going like, we're going to bomb the shit out of Russia or Tezmenistan or whatever the fuck you want to call it. There's people that are going, you've got to give it to him. He says it how it is. It's what we're all thinking.

Oh, I would have thought that we went straight. Oh, fucking... It does make you think... How has saying what you're thinking ever been a good thing? Saying what you're thinking got me thrown out of a stripper. Strippers?

Out of a stripper. Out of her. She did have bad breath. Everyone was thinking it. why did you get thrown out of a strippers I got thrown out for spewing once in em

was it during a lap dance because that would have really ruined her day I woke up actually yes and no I was asleep in a strip in a strip club

right and it was I was 21 I was the age you are now and I know this I would never do nothing like that and I know this because I had one of my

21st birthday presents in my wallet right right oh well whatever you're thinking not that

right I woke up to boob on face contact right this stripper is having a laugh with me mates and me mates have dared her

to wake me up with her tits right and she was like it's on right and she woke me up

with her boobs in my face and I just woke up just like this is great but I'm gonna spew I fucking ran right

I ran and went to the toilet and fucking kneeled down at the toilet and fucking spewed down the side of the, down the side of the toilet bowl. I don't know how it happened because I made it to the toilet, but I spewed down the side of the toilet bowl

and the toilet attendant started kicking us. Started like actually fucking physically kicking us in the ribs while I was on my hands and knees spewing. This story just gets better and better on my hands and knees spewing the story just goes gets better and better so I fucking stopped spewing I wipe my face down

and he's like fucking angry like mopping the fucking place up after I was writing like shouting at us and I went in my wallet to like tip him something

and I only had a ten pound top man voucher that bro's put in one of my birthday cards and I tipped the the toilet attendant with a top man voucher so he's putting one of me birthday cards and i i tipped the the toilet tenant with a top man voucher so he's got a nice shirt man i feel like donald trump could tell that story and people would just they'll be like you gotta give it to me man have a good time

i like a president with experiences um i that was What I like about this podcast Is we went from you Detailing how World War 1 started To you Actually we'll put a full stop on that And we'll be talking about you getting thrown under the bus online So that went from you being Shamed on the internet

For a crime you didn't commit. Guilty. Free the Elliot one. I am the Nelson Mandela of the internet. Yes. Oh, you're dead. We're going to do Muggle Corners. Yeah, go on then.

Muggles are basic bitches. Yep. That's what Muggles are. Mm-hmm. So what do you consider to make someone a basic bitch? Just lacking that little spark of not just originality, not even going with the herd, just saying something because they feel it,

or doing something sort of because part of the herd does it. It's seen as like the herd should be doing this. It's not always that the herd, sometimes there's things the herd needs to do like if you ever watch Attenborough Wildebeest sometimes they've got to stick together

otherwise they're going to get murked by a lion yeah yeah you don't want to just go off on a pure tan we're not like suggesting that everybody should be fully blown

eccentric fucking weirdo like everybody's guilty of mugglery we're guilty of it fucking I would say like half of the things

that were put in were being guilty of the crime themselves but we're guilty of it fuck it I would say like half of the things that we put in we've been guilty of the crime ourselves but it's sometimes recognising it and going ah I'm being a muggle yes

it's the first step to salvation so do you want me to open the open gambit yeah go on muggles spend money on fortnite

no right I'm going to put in a disclaimer to defend myself in a way right £7.99 for £ 7.99 you unlock a bunch of challenges which are fun in the routine game and it's actually a part of the game um

i don't think that's that muggly i it's a bit rich come from me because like i i did this so this isn't muggly but i actually got more joy out of spending that 7.99 and it's a game that there's free so I'm like what difference does it make spending £8 on a game that I'm getting this much joy out of

and now I can join in with a bunch of challenges right if people don't know what Fortnite is it's a game like the Hunger Games it's on the Playstation 4

or the Xbox I think on the iPad now too but you 100 people going to an island and it's last man standing and you fight you duke it out

but there's an option I don't know if we've got it on right now. We can put the, turn it up. Turn it down a little bit. We'll keep it on in the background while we talk about Fortnite.

Right. There's an option at the top to go to the store and you can, let's go to it now. You can go to the store and you can buy 399 gets you 500 V-Bucks,

799 gets you 1,000 V-Bucks. Plus 100 500 V-Bucks, £7.99 gets you 1,000 V-Bucks. Plus 100 bonus V-Bucks which doesn't help. Let's go right to the end. 10,000 V-Bucks for £80 plus a bonus 3,500 V-Bucks.

V-Bucks is fake currency. Is it a bonus? I've spent £80 for 10,000 V-Bucks and I get a bonus three and a half? No, I've spent 80 pounds and got 1,300, 500 V-Bucks. Yeah, fucking bonus. Oh, look at that little bargain. So some people, that means the fact it's an option,

some people are spending 80 pounds. Now let's go to the locker and see what you can get once you've spent your 7.99, right? Once you've spent your 7.99, the only other things you can get is you can get a dance move called Disco Fever. You can get a lucky pickaxe harvesting tool. It doesn't help the game, by the way. It doesn't help the game. It's just how you look, right?

You can get this Love Ranger outfit, which makes you look like Michelangelo's David. Is that you? Is that the guy who's like proper naked and that yeah and that costs two thousand right let's do the maths on this two thousand

of your ten thousand you've not got the guess for that no no no this is the fucking two thousand is a fifth forget about your

bonus points right a fifth it's a fifth of your ten thousand is that fourteen quid that no a fifth that has to be

fourteen quid fifteen quid no no no because go to be 14 quid 15 quid no no no because go back go back you see you see a thousand V-Bucks

is 7.99 that's 1,000 yeah that's a thousand V-Bucks so yeah but you get I mean if you get the big one

or the bonus rate so if you get 20 quid get your fucking outfit some people actually right now when you're playing Fortnite

and you see a guy wearing a fucking suit like that like an avatar he's a muggle you spend fucking 20 quid he's a you see a guy wearing a fucking suit like that, like an avatar. He's a muggle. You spend fucking 20 porn on it. He's a muggle. The guy's probably fucking in his overdraft.

He's a muggle. I didn't agree at the beginning, but after working that out, I agree. And I'll tell you what else I think is muggly with it. The way, what was I going to say? It's the way like, it defeats the point that would be great if you could unlock that by leveling up yeah that's what i find muggly about it that's that looks cool as fuck and you can't want that thing you can get it by leveling up actually because you can get bonus v books when you level up but not that amount it would

take forever it would take a while and it just it just becomes like oh the whole point of a video game i used to play a lot of fif like oh the whole point of a video game i used to play a lot of fifa yeah the last state of the goal right i used to i used to play fifa ultimate team all the time which is basically an online version of fifa and used to be able to open packs and stuff then they brought money into it where you could buy the packs and i used to graft my ass off at it and then i remember some one time i put 20 quid and got as good and i remember just thinking like i've just this defeats the entire purpose of what I'm doing here. Like, I play a video game because part of it is the challenge.

When you play, like, old-school Metal Gear Solid, you used to have to do so much shit. You used to, on any Metal Gear Solid game, you used to have to do so much shit. Complete it twice without dying or saving it, and you get the invisibility cloak. And then when you use the invisibility cloak, it makes the game better.

Yeah, exactly. But then, or getting skins on Call of Duty guns. You used to have to get headshots online and things. It was really difficult. And now you can buy it, and it just comes. Why? Why? You've defeated the point of video games.

But then I think on the flip side of that, it's kind of like Build-A-Bear. Do you know what I mean? You ever go Build-A-Bear and sometimes you buy a bear. All right, you can get a bear for like eight quid, but you want the cool shit. It's going to cost you. So you could spend more than actual clothes cost.

When you're fucking buying that, you're trying to get your dick sucked. What, Build-A-Bear? I only ever went there on like a year nine birthday party. It's not like a fucking Valentine's gift or something. I was never trying to get a dick sucked. Trying to fucking lay some game down so you can fucking build a bear

that's also muggly building a bear aye yeah let's go build a just buy a fucking bear I don't know but let's not lose sight of the goal

if you are fucking buying an avatar for your for your character I'm in muggle corner I paid the money on Fortnite I paid the 7.89

for the challenges. And with the challenges, I got enough V-Bucks that I bought one of the fucking lower level skins just because it was a Leprechaun one and I was about to play with Ryan Cullen. I bought the Electroshock dance move. Yes, I could do the dance.

You big spender. Let's see what that's worth. What are the dance floors? 800. I had enough V-Bucks. Yeah, that was eight quids worth. Yeah, I spent that on a... It's a cool dance move, that.

Like, you can be a millionaire, right, and you'd still not get fleeced by this kind of shit, right, without being a muggle. Because you just have, like, it's like with them things, sometimes I'll look at something and go, I'm not spending that. Like, cash point, £1.50 to pay for a cash point at £1.99. Suck your mum about pay for that.

Give me my money, bruv. Yeah, exactly. Going for a piss at a train station. Jump the barrier. Jump the barrier, piss on the fucking floor. Fucking charging me to do one of these fucking... Civil rights being violated. Because if you put them in to fucking keep homeless people out,

fucking that's even more shameful. That is even more fucking shameful. I think the the logic is it i think it works like this with toilets built at train stations i think what it is is they charge until the amount it costs i don't know i might have just made this up completely uh but that's never stopped me before in this podcast um if the amount they charge 30p because once they make the money it costs to create the toilets at the train station it then becomes free

that's why certain train stations then have like King's Cross now has free toilets Victoria Station now has free toilets well you know

what it costs 135p to get Newcastle and back spend some of that on me piss you know what I mean let fucking Richard Branson pay for it

oh man it's ridiculous train prices the other thing is fucking wifi in hotels there's wifi free in the lobby I've got wifi that I've paid for at home

I've got data on my phone right and you are clearly taxing me for my porn let me yeah that is porn tax that is wank tax this is prostitution

but not even a good kind oh man if I'm wanking in your restaurant fucking that's because you try to charge me for a wank right what's your muggle corner If I'm wanking in your restaurant, fucking that's because you tried to charge me for a wank.

Right, what's your Muggle corner? How many are we doing? Just one? We're just going to do one each. Okay. I'll go with this one. What one do I go with? Muggles do martial arts how we do martial arts.

What? You know fucking everything about it because you've been doing it three months. Yeah. Oh my God. But then when we're in the gym we're timid little beasts aren't we yeah we are fucking we god it's the old bugger um i i say this because over the last couple of weeks you there's been a video on us online of us sparring me and david longley who i i love dearly we've been having banter back and forth on facebook with us. I've uploaded a video of me hitting a bag and stuff and it's just,

and I'll admit to it, it's a little bit of me going, look at this cool shit I can do, everyone. You can't do it. You're posturing. You're posturing. Yeah, a little bit,

but also like, it's something you work at, like we said earlier, so you kind of show it off. It's like when you walk, I won't walk around with my top off now, but when I've got a six pack,

I will like you know in the middle of winter yeah your muscles tense so it looks better but yeah it's that little bit

of like but when we're in the gym and the fortnight music don't know oh shit wrong button when I'm in the gym I have

zero banter very full and it's just like but when you're outside and people find out you do martial arts you do start sometimes speaking like you're bruce lee and you're like you do catch yourself doing it every now and then and you gotta go i've got i've got to calm down for someone that is pretty much a white belt because yeah i i hate that when if even if you catch someone talking

about martial arts that like you're higher level than but they don't know that and you hear them you think what a fucking muggle like he is posturing like if he's got a little bit of information now when we talk about martial arts there's somebody that's better than us that could be eavesdropping just can't fucking hear what he's muggle what are they talking about yeah yeah because that's what i was saying when i went in eject was that like i will talk a good game and i like and you know what i'm fucking pretty handy at my tie with when it comes to the general public but when I'm in that gym I know fucking nothing absolutely fucking jack shit do you remember when you're in there and you go like

wait wait wait what's that basic thing I'm meant to know I keep getting told why I'm wrong well like even sometimes you throw a kick and they go, Jesus, twist your hip more, pivot more. And you go, I thought I was. Yeah, I catch myself being an absolute mongrel with it sometimes. However, what brought this to light with me is when I put a video up of me on a bag, someone posted a comment going, you drop your right every time you throw a kick,

you drop your right hand, which to people who listen, you're meant to do that to help generate force and power. Yeah, but you brought your left across your face. So you actually, even though you were hitting a bag, you were very conscientious that, like if that wasn't a fake, that's drilled into you.

So the person who said that, then like a load of people sort of liked in agreement with and I didn't write but I wanted to write none of you know what you like that's real basic day one shit

that was one thing where I come and defended you because I saw that and I was like oh but he's doing it right yeah I know he's doing it right this person's just been

like a fucking backseat driver yeah in an armchair and then it made me think how many times have I probably done that and someone's bit their lip with me yeah and just sat there and be like uh-huh yeah sure whatever

and i've noticed it sometimes if i got annoyed and i go into an intro class and there'll be sometimes i turn up late and i realize i've come at the wrong time there's an intro class i'll jump in and it might be someone in there who doesn't realize you're a high level who starts then telling you how to do something and you're there going i'm not doing it properly because i'm taking it really light sort of thing and you dang and then it's that thing of going i probably have done that a thousand times to someone like i there's probably people who listen to this podcast who know so sorry like ari uh who's uh estonian ari oh yeah who uh who could genuinely if i jumped into spa with him it would last as long as he wanted it to show his full professionally

yeah exactly and i'm sure i've probably at some point said something to him where he's just probably bit his lip and be like what is this fucking sunday school martial arts talking about. Fucking noob. Well, you know what I think it is with beginners, which we are beginners, right, is when you're in your first six months to a year of a sport and you get good at it, you instantly go from into the top 10% of hardest people in the world, right? Right.

I feel like you do that, but the people above you are so much further above you than the people below you, than the 90 right right i feel like you do that but the the people above you are so much further above you than the people below you than the 90 percent right that claim from 10 to the top one percent right is a much but it's fucking siberia yeah yeah it's like when you look at someone even if you go even if when i'm in top training i go five times a week there's people in there who go like three times a day or six times a week. So you're nowhere near it. And they aren't even ranked?

Yeah, exactly. But saying some of the hardest, I'll tell a story the other day where I absolutely bottled it in a fight. Did you? Yeah. I came out of a session, ordered an Uber, and Uber said it was three minutes away. I waited about ten minutes and uber still wasn't there so i called the uber driver and i was like to him listen mate uh i don't want this uber anymore it's taking too long but if i cancel it i've got to pay a fair charge i can see on the map you just sat around the corner he's like look

mate i'll be there in a minute so i was like all right and the uber pulled up and the two lads got out with McDonald's. So that Uber had been around there waiting because they'd been in McDonald's. They'd made the Uber driver wait, but they were only around the corner. Yeah. Like they were around the corner. But it was their Uber. But it was their Uber.

So when I got out, I heard one of them go, God, that guy on the phone, what a dick. And I just went, I'm not a dick. I was like, I ordered an Uber. It said it'd be three minutes. It's not been three minutes. And there was a bit of back and forth. And one. I was like, I ordered an Uber. It said it would be three minutes. It's not been three minutes. And there was a bit of back and forth. And one of them was like, get in your cab. I was like, I won't get in my cab.

I'll do what I want. And I, what do you mean? I've ordered this Uber. I've moaned this knock. It's turned off. And now I'm not getting in the Uber. Because someone's telling you what to do. But these two lads, I'm pretty sure they were gay, right?

They were staying at a travel lodge. So it would have looked like a head cream. Right. So then one of them starts advancing towards us and i'm like what am i fucking doing i've got punch drunk like in a couple of days like why am i getting in why am i in this ridiculous argument with someone i'm probably gonna get along with if we meet under different circumstances and i get in the cab and i just looked at the driver and i went did I just bottle it with a gay blood and then and he started laughing

and I went there's no good outcome of that I get the shit kicked out of me and I've got to go oh this nail's gay and it's your fucking

own ill preconceived judgements to think that he would be at a disadvantage because you know what it is he's probably fucking harder than most people he's met because

he's had to deal with adversity and bullying and fucking all kinds of shit so that guy is probably fucking tougher than you are as a street guy. Way, way more nails than me.

And also, the other bit of me thought, if I win this fight, all that's going to happen is Comedian Elliot Steele, homophobic attack. Yeah, it looks bad, right? Then another Sophie Hagen post

comes out going, I knew it. And if you get beat, your friends behind closed doors will fucking go back to the archaic way of insult and be like you got beat by a gay guy yeah exactly what is this the 90s

but this is the other thing why I never got any from the confidence of Muay Thai when I fight I don't have any because I look at the people in my gym and none of them look like they could beat you in a fight not a lot of them do no and not a lot of them do so i always think what the fuck does everyone else train because i'm soft as shit it's like what is everyone else doing yeah you never like second guess anyone it's a fucking gamble if you're gonna get into a fight a rule

in the dice with are they imagine imagine someone new jujitsu and then you're just on the floor being choked and you're like slightly turned on and slightly they don't have to fucking like answer to the top when it's a street fight you know you start tapping their arm and they're like what you think i'm gonna stop yeah you know you just be a big joke please i'm sorry i'll order another rooibos uncle uncle daddy so yes I'm going to put it

in my corner that to summarise what yours was people who start learning this thing it's mainly

a martial art and start talking like they're an authority for it yeah you notice it sometimes with stand ups

like if you do I noticed it one time I was doing red roar at the stand and Iups. Like if you do a, I've noticed it one time I was doing Red Raw at the stand and I was closing it and there was a guy I was chatting to who didn't realise I was closing it and I was a pro comedian

and started dishing out stand-up advice. It happens a lot in Red Raw. And it's that very much that new guy posturing. They think everybody else is an open spot. Yeah. So chat to everybody as if they're the better open spot.

Yeah. And you walk in as a pro guy about to do some new shit. Yeah. You have to be given advice by someone. And you sit there and take it. Yeah. And you sit there going, oh, yeah, cool, I'll try that.

Yeah, I'll email them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, what's that? What is it you do? Try write a new joke every day. Cool, yeah. Try write topical more. Cool.

Do you want any special introductions when I walk in yeah anybody trying to be an authority on something that they're new at

it's like none of us are going to be doing seminars about fucking white why the fuck would we start acting like we know

I had a great one and also hold on we'll just wrap the corner and the other one is if. And also, hold on, we'll just wrap the Muggle Corner and the other one is if you're paying for money on Fortnite. Yeah.

Yeah. Any variation of that way, it doesn't affect the game any, but makes you look pretty. Yeah. Like fucking 20 quid. Go to the shop and buy clothes. You've got an avatar called you.

Put some clothes on that. You're fucking... Right. Do you have anything to plug? Yeah, I'm going to be in Dublin this weekend. I'll put this out tomorrow so you can catch me tonight. As in you'll listen to this on Thursday. Thursday the 12th, Friday the 13th.

Woohoo. That's muggly as well, isn't it? Woohoo. Woohoo. You're going to fly on Friday the 13th? Are you crazy? as well isn't it you're gonna fly on Friday the 13th are you crazy it's just a day

so I've been a muggle and Saturday the 14th cool I'm at this weekend there is a goat gang line up by the way

we're not greatest of all time goat gang Gareth Waugh once made a joke about a goat so we're called the goat gang

because of that me Mark Nelson Gareth Waugh will be in Edinburgh at the Monkey Barrel. Yes, that's the fucking lane of. It's fucking insane. Go see them on Friday because they are going to be fucked on Saturday.

No, I'm not. I can't go out on the Saturday because I have a thing to record on a Monday, which I'll be out soon. I'm doing a thing for Comedy Central. So if you want to look up my page or something, that will be out at some point in the next month or so so if you're in edinburgh if you're in dublin you can spend time with me and elliot and i think daniel right now is at the melbourne comedy festival so if you're in australia yeah he he really needs the yeah he needs he needs the help

to me yeah um it's not been going well for us right we've got some dad jokes. Cool. You want me to go first? Yeah, I'll go first. Your dad gets really nervous before making phone calls. He has to really cheer himself up every time. And nine times out of ten, he'll hang up after one ring. Your dad reckons his air rifle could kill a man. Because of the bayonet. Your dad rubs his own tummy when he's a good boy

your dad owns every Linkin Park album he cried when Chester died that was a sad little that was a sad day your dad playfully whips your mum with a tea towel as a joke

and then gets carried away and makes her cry that's one of my favourites ever. Because it's true. Oh, Mark, what are you like? Mr Socialist on stage, Mr Domestic Abuse at home. It's not a tea towel. Your dad carries a Swiss army knife for protection.

Your dad carved his name in a tree with his front teeth. Your dad has never won a game of Fortnite. Don't do that for a second. He hates it. I don't know why. We kicked him from the WhatsApp group. Remember when he slagged a Fortnite and kicked him from the whatsapp group remember when he slagged a fortnight and kicked him from

the ps4 whatsapp group your own dad yeah I remember that I put him back in didn't I yeah he doesn't sound anything anymore yeah because he's

fucking he's he's calling duty through and through feels like a blood trail I've been in that group sorry where was I your dad doesn't

like dipping biscuits in his tea because obviously he gets crumbs in and stuff so he slowly pours the tea onto the biscuit instead sorry where was I your dad doesn't like dipping biscuits in his tea because obviously he gets crumbs in and stuff so he slowly pours the tea onto the biscuit instead your dad thinks he's a sneaker head

because he owns a pair of Adidas Gazelles your dad used to record Top of the Pops when he was at the bingo Your dad shoplifts from charity shops Your dad genuinely thinks he has cancer because his hand's bigger than his feet Your dad wrote a Facebook post

thanking Jordan Peterson for his newfound confidence. Oh, no, I don't know who that is. You know, the 12 steps to get the chaos out of your life guy, Jordan Peterson. Oh, yeah? Yeah. You really tend to dad's life around. He's one of 10, Jordan. Tom Horton posts about him a lot.

I'm going to look this guy up. Is he cool to like him? Is he public enemy? No. Is Sophie Hagen like him? Is he public enemy? Nah. Does Sophie Hagen like him? No, no, no. He's like one of those guys who's like, all right, bro, I get it.

You've got some interesting points. He's like, ah, man. It's just like, if you're putting Facebook posts up about how you're going to go see that guy, it's kind of like, oh, bro, come on. Do you know what I mean? It's kind of like going to a... Is it righteous? It's sort of like a seminar where it's like men yeah it's kind of like that other side it's that meninism oh really yeah no not not quite that not quite that like he has some

interesting points but like to be like it worked better as a dad joke without explaining it. Yeah, sorry, mate. I'll just, I'll look them up. I'll do research. And reset. Your dad keeps... He's been love explaining on his podcast. Your dad keeps telling everybody he had a lump removed, but what he really means is his divorce came through. And it did, and he's fucking ecstatic. And he's telling everybody he had a lump removed.

Take that, Natasha. You cunt. No, I'm joking. Does your mum sometimes listen to this? No, that's not my mum. That's my dad's ex-wife. Sorry, mate. I thought I was calling your mum a lump.

No, no, no, no. There's Natasha Steele. Gotta keep the surname, don't you? No, sorry. your dad goes to the dentist every week just so he can sit in the waiting room and read hello magazine without feeling he's being judged your dad always asks for the old batteries from our podcast and equipment so you can put them in the fail alarm because they're intermittent beeps keeping company. And scene.

No, I've got a couple more. A couple more? Oh, fucking hell. Your dad reckons he cooked a mean spaghetti carbonara. I've got one more. Your dad owns a, if found, please return to the pub despite being a recovering alcoholic. Oh, no. Oh, I meant to put shirt.

Oh, fuck it. Yeah, I got you out of mode. You lost all your flow and confidence and everything, but the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. I've not had a lot of sleep. All right, well, go get some.

That summarises this podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for tuning in. Please share it. Please leave your comments and reviews on iTunes and just please keep being with us every month.