Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.35 Two Woke Cucks

Episode Date: April 17, 2018

Guess who's back, back again, Sloss is back, tell your face. Still in Melbourne Austaya, this time with debut guest but all time legend Cameron James, sticking it to pseudo feminists and discussing the dangers of the inverted 69. Amongst many other important topics you're finally ready to hear.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Good morning, and you are listening to Two Woke Cucks with Daniel Sloss and Cameron James.

We're the two workers' cucks in the biz, baby. We're just here to just let you know, one, how woke we are, and two, how fine I am with men railing my wife. I'm super fine with it. It's oppressive for me to not let my wife gargle other men's cum. Well, that's how I think about it. I think that it's a feminist act to let her honestly just cop a full load of cum right up the old baby's neck. That's what the suffragettes threw themselves in front of horses for.

Exactly. I've not read the books or the theory. That's not what woke cucks do. I've read a couple of headlines from articles retweeted and I've just pieced my opinions together based off of those. Yeah, I've read

several tweets and I've faved all of them. I've not retweeted because that would be sexist i think yeah and also i don't want my bros to know no that's gotta be i do think that is one of the most passive-aggressive things as a comedian you could do is to like someone's tweet and not be like look i liked it, but I know my people won't. The worst thing you can do is when you see that it's been four hours

and it's only got a handful of likes and then you just give it one four hours later so they get that notification. But it's just been retweeted. Just a reminder that their tweet bombed.

Yeah. It's like that Ben and Ed match where it's like, witness me. Yeah. Witness, this tweet is dying. Do you delete tweets?

Um, the only time and this is a real shit act, the only time I've ever deleted tweets was when I was tweeting about how much I hated fucking people. Like how sad I think it is that people reply to Donald Trump. Oh yeah.

No matter what, he doesn't read them, his people don't read them. Your fans, they're not funny. And then I realized that like in back in 2001, when I first got Twitter, like I really went after Donald Trump. Just angry 21 year old me.

Just fucking do like, you thought. So you went back through the timeline and deleted some old shit. Uh, yeah, yeah. Just there because I was like, cause they were also just like, they were just really not fucking funny.

Oh, but that's the thing. When you're young and you have Twitter and all you know about it is that you have a direct line of access to a celebrity or something. That's all you do. I'm pretty sure if I went back through my timeline, it would just be me replying to comedians with just lol and stuff like that. Just weird. Like the favorite buttons there,

but you wanted to add a personal level to it. Yeah, like I would have saved a Ricky Gervais tweet and then written like LMAO and then a smiley face or something. What the fuck? It's humiliating. It really is. Like I always think if I could get a time machine, I wouldn't go back in time and kill Hitler.

I would just go back. I would honestly just beat the fuck out of myself just because i want the old me to get to current me way faster he needs the cynicism beat into him yeah i really want to go back to the time when uh just like i would genuinely stand on instead of just doing material that was like you know woke like pro-feminist or pro-gay rights just doing the material was like, you know, woke, like pro feminist or pro gay rights, just doing the material and let it speak for itself instead of opening all of those jokes with.

So I'm a feminist. And, uh, did you ever do that? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Like 22, 23 read a couple of Caitlin Moran books.

Yeah. I need to say this funny joke, but I need everyone to like me first. Yes. I'll paint it up in a really pretty way. Yeah. As opposed to me just going, just do material and I have people then decide whether you're a feminist or a massive racist.

Because I've only known you in your current form. And I think it's your final form. Yeah. I'm done. I'm nearly done. You're perfect. Were you ever a bright eyed-eyed like happy like full of optimism what are you young like when you were young in comedy were you all like ever starstruck by people

and um yeah yeah i think when i was like 17 18 that way i was so thrilled to like just be in the business um and you know yeah yeah I don't think it was ever fucking beaten out me I guess I just dropped the act like the second I the second the second I got to a stage of my career where my levels of kindness to people would not affect my career I'm like oh it's all unnecessary it's like it's the equivalent of when you've been with like a girl for a couple years and you no longer have to dress up around them you don't have to shave as much they've stopped waxing you're like this is us this is who i really am it's all been a facade up until i've been lying through my fucking teeth for years i can't believe you did woke material like that that's so brave of you

I went through my angry 22-23 year old atheist stage because Cameron, religion is stupid and people mention it you're talking to the fucking king of atheism yeah, that's it's Ricky Gervais

so sad that he passed away I know, it's real it's Ricky Gervais alright yes so sad that he passed away I know it's real it's real shit it's real shit this is how people find out I guarantee at least one of these

fucking idiots googled it I guarantee at least one of them fucking did you morons anyway I'll introduce you

to the podcast probably it's Cameron James hey thanks for having me on the podcast thanks for coming on so tell us about yourself listen just like buzzwords who are you what is I'm here camera james hey thanks for having me thanks for coming on so tell us about yourself listen

just like buzzwords who are you what is i'm here i'm queer and i'd love a beer get used to me i'm not queer but i may as well be same as you actually man at this stage like you know i don't know I don't know if I'm at this stage now. I don't know what it would take for me to, you know, those, like, I know so many comedians have done bits on this. But, like, would you suck a dick for, like, $10,000? I'm like, you can pay me to do most things I don't want to do because I'm financially stable. So none of those things work for me. Like, unless it's, like, billions upon billions.

But at this point, like, I don't know. Would I suck a dick for a dare? Would you suck a dick for warmth? For warmth? It's like whiskey. It's like when they were going down in the Titanic and the bar ran out of whiskey. They all just started being like, boys, it's the only warm thing we all got left. They all just had to suck off the guys in steerage.

Yeah. That's the, that's Titanic Uncut. I would love to watch that movie. Yeah. Floating on the, on the door out in the ocean. It was one of the,

like, suck my dick rolls. Come on. It'll go, come on. I'm done. You're on the fucking thing. I guess she couldn't suck his dick because like he'd have to get up on the thing and

then she'd be a bit under the. Yeah. And that's not feminist. It's not like it's not. They should have both been on it. They should have both. 69 could have worked. That's true.

Yeah. And that's my favorite position. It's real good. Let's talk about the 69 because there's one way in which 69 is amazing and that is obviously, oh, I'm not going to make it

fucking sexy, but like man on the back and the woman on top because they just got like a face full of pussy. The ass is there. It's all great. And you know,

it's always who's a mystery. I know who I think is sucking my dick but I can't see nor confirm maybe this is maybe it's Ashton Kutcher

maybe I'm being punked like maybe there's no way to check I don't know who's down there like I'm I trust

the girl that I'm with that she's not brought yeah Ashton Kutcher Ashton Kutcher you know would I be starstruck would I be annoyed questions about Ashton Kutcher. Ashton Kutcher. Would I be starstruck? Would I be annoyed?

Questions about it. I always feel like the other version of 69 is just when you're plugging... You mean the other way around? Yeah, like going down your door where you're just plugging the bath and you're not sure if she's alive. Yeah, I do not.

Because if you're on top... It's crossed my mind to go on top. I've done it sometimes and I'm like this this is, like, this can, because the girl's been like, you go on top and I'm like, there's no, this is very bad. It's dangerous. It's real bad. Because, like, if you're on top and I have one of those spasms where my hips go up, I'm just knocking your head back. Whereas if your head's on the couch or the thing and I, boom, that is,

the exit wound's bigger than the entry wound. Exactly, exactly. You come right through the other side. No, I couldn't handle that. Like when I come in here, it's just like that bit in Wolverine where he fills her full of the adamantium and it starts coming out of her eyes. I can't do that to the woman I love. And I never would.

No, no, no. Plus, you know, look, I know a fair bit about making chicks cum. Like, you wrote the book on it. I did. I have a signed copy of it. Yeah, and by the way, thanks for buying it and endorsing it.

That's why you're on the podcast. Sorry for two of those pages of stuff together. But I come in, I personally come in every time. Yeah, and it's all the, it's the chapter about how to make him come. And it's clearly

just so good. This is just like, you'll never get to read it, but this is proof that it works because all these pages are stuck together. I actually think

it's probably better for her if she's on top of you, 69 star, because then she just can fucking grind down on your tongue. That's a lot easier than you slamming into her throat and then also trying to jab your

tongue. Yeah. Like it's not a, yeah. You can't eat pussy upside down, but it does get rid of hiccups. It's like, you know,

instead of drinking water from the other side of the glass, eat an upside down pussy. It gets right. I swear shit this is good stuff it's really good i need to write an updated version of my book yeah i genuinely here's another one of my sad uh not sad because it's kind of when i was um 22 years old i i did read two books on eating pussy because that's how low my ego was at that point i was like i've got to be the best at read two books on eating pussy because that's how low my ego was at that point. I was like, I've got to be the best at this. Two books? Yeah. I had a girlfriend who, she was like.

Please don't tell me she bought you the book. No, no, no, no. We were together for a bit and she was like, I don't cum during sex. And I was like, what? She was like, I don't cum during sex. I was like, that's, I don't, what? That's not. Wait a minute.

Women can cum? I was like, whoa, wait a minute. All right, Neil degrasse tyson with your facts all right show me a little bit of evidence um and yeah that just it became a proper challenge i was like she could only come from like going down on it no not even that she's like she'd never like she'd never had an orgasm before and i just that was like really she'd given herself an orgasm i don't think she had i think like i don't know what it maybe she had given herself one yeah maybe that was it

maybe that's where my ego got really bruised like and that's that's what i think that's real shit because this wasn't just like oh god this is clearly now that i've read the book i understand you know it's mental for women as well yeah it. What it is, it's like, oh, she doesn't trust me enough to fully open up them fluids for me. By the time I was like, fucking, all right.

I'm like, the YouTube commenter that just sits like first on all posts. Like, that's what I wanted to be for her. Yeah, of course.

So I read two books on eating pussy and... Holy shit. Fucking, they did work. Really? Oh, mate. What tricks did you pick up from them? Oh, could get to the real i'm gonna sound so dirty here but so that there are seven

parts to the clitoris it's not just that it's not just the little bit on the thing okay that's like five percent of the clitoris goes inside it goes through the back and down the sides if you just if you have the muscle of the clitoris it looks it goes through the back and down the sides if you just if you have the muscle of the clitoris it looks like an alien fucking spaceship yeah it goes all the way

through the back it goes down through the fucking labia yeah and it's the most sensitive part on top but the most sensitive part of the clitoris

is if you cut it down into two quarters it's the upper right hand quadrant which is about the two o'clock position okay it's the most

and the ideal amount of weight that you're meant to put on it at the start is the weight of two sheets of paper oh that's how sensitive it is that is sensitive yeah because our the clitoris and the penis actually when they're both the same bit like it's but obviously they when you become a bloke it turns into the it goes it becomes an outie it becomes an outie and when you become aie. And when you become an innie, it goes on the inbits. All right. Okay.

So you actually studied it like biology. I did a little bit, but just... You studied the clip. Yes, I studied it. While you were at parties, I studied the clip. And now that we're at the end of times times you have the audacity to come to me for help two things I've studied, the katana and the clip

and look I will never make those two art forms meet, I would not dare why would you? I said two sheets of paper, not something the thickness of two sheets of paper designed for wounding more ill people this is such a great insight into you, that you read two books designed for wounding morally people.

This is such a great insight into you that you read two books on how to... Because that's how my ego works. Like, it's absolutely... You're like, I need to win. I need to win. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I did. I mean, I would be lying if I said I hadn't read a lot of online articles when I was younger as well.

Yeah. The first girlfriend I had when I was in high school, when we decided we were going to, you know, like go down on each other and shit very early on. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, cool. I'm coming around tonight. And then immediately went home and just Googled every tip you could possibly. You were Googling like how to eat. How to eat vagina. I've been Googling, like, how to eat.

How to eat vagina. And I've got every fucking tip from every GQ article and all that shit, make the vowel sounds and all that stuff. What's the make the vowel sound? You, like, you make your tongue do the shape that it would make when you're doing different vowels, like A, I, O, and all this kind of shit. It's always when you're doing it, you're always at the edge. I just go, and sometimes why? Sometimes why am I eating this pussy yeah i yeah i did the exact same thing it's such a young man thing because you ultimately i think we're fucking uh and this is me semi back into my

i think we are fucking intimidated when we're young because we're the generation that grew up in porn so I'm just used to seeing women screaming with joy during sex and obviously the first that's not until you're in your late 20s 30s does porn become well does sex become as depraved

as it is the porn but yeah up until then it's just everyone's nervous and they're obviously not making all the same noises you're like i must be bad at this it's like you are smashing a hymen buddy they're just like this is a real they're not they're not going to be screaming with joy at this point i know oh my god i remember yeah the first time you have sex it's it's so fucking quiet everyone's quiet everyone yeah you are so silent just like trying not even to breathe yeah it's like this tense from the scenes it's a fucking like movies where they're just a bomb diffuser oh yeah of course just i think my catchphrase

during sex uh when i was younger was don't move like it was always a little bit like going good you can't good rhythm you're about to come and why did you stop you're like don't don't move like there's always a little bit like going good you can't good rhythm you're about to come and why did you stop you're like don't don't we are on the brink right now like this is and they go what and you're like oh damn it god so much of that the first time i had sex i don't think i even let go of the base of my dick were you worried it was gonna fall off i don't know what i thought was gonna happen but i like guided it in and then just never let go of it the whole time. One hand on the base of my dick, one hand on a tit for like four minutes, and then that was it.

It's like you're unlocking a safe. And I don't know why to this day I was holding onto it. I think I was just terrified something was going to happen. I don't know what to this day I was holding onto it I think I was just terrified something was going to happen I don't know what I thought was going to happen I my first

I don't I to this day don't know if my first time counts as sex oh really just me and this girl we were really really drunk

and I thought I thought the vag started way way higher up the strut than it did I remember the fear and confusion

when I was putting my hands on her pants. I was like, it should be here by now. Oh, of course, yeah. Because it's under, it's under. I thought it was like a dick, and it was like on the front. Just a VHS slot on the front. Yeah, like, yeah,

I thought you could literally just walk into each other and have sex. Because, and I remember just going to her like, where the fuck is this thing? Oh, there it is. There it is. Oh, life change. Yeah. First time I fingered someone, I went too far down.

I went right to the asshole. That is true. I went straight to the arsehole. That is true. I went straight to the arsehole. Why did she not say anything? She did. She did. Oh, a little higher. Did you miss it? I don't know. I just was too excited.

I think my hand went too fast. Straight to the arsehole. You just did the hand equivalent of the person who's missed their junction just reversing down the freeway. He just refused. Whoops, sorry. And there it is.

Yeah. You're just like, no, look, I've missed the turn off. I got it. We got to stay here. Oh, my God. Yeah. That was my first time. I do think, yeah, like, I don't know what, because obviously sex education, I think,

everywhere is very, very bad. Even in the UK where it's decent to teach it I don't I didn't listen to it because first of all you're putting

boys and the girls in the same room so we're all the girls are like the guys everything's gross to the guys because we've never

considered the women they're probably giving their own things but guys are just like take a fucking condom on a fucking banana but they never teach you how to fucking thumb it in.

No. Yeah, exactly. Just so you guys know, this is going to make the banana worse. Yeah. But it is better for everyone. There'll be no feeling in the banana. Yeah.

My God. I know. And apparently, apparently the girls get their own little talks about all sorts of shit that we don't get. I think for a bit, they should be taught, because there's way more to it, Apparently the girls get their own little talks about all sorts of shit that we don't get. I think for a bit they should be taught, because there's way more to it, but I think the guys should also be taught about the girl stuff, but separately.

Just so, I think it should be by a fucking guy that goes, right, it should be us doing it. Be like, listen here, you little fucks. Listen, there's seven parts to the clip. This is what you need to know, right? This is what you need to know, right? once a month they bleed if they're not pregnant they're going through a real shit time but you can fuck them on it get that out of your head

it's real good it's like going to NAMM get blood on your sword I've heard that get blood on your sword oh that's good that's so medieval go slay a dragon

go into the cave look it's fine you're going to get some injuries but life experience bro also I do want to teach them the one best stand up I've always wanted to do but I never can because it's exactly that it's just me being too woke cuck

which is but it's a joke in teaching uh men start fucking banging feminists because feminists are filth yeah they're filth the best sex i've ever had in my life consistently is from like staunch fucking left goes because they're confident as shit and in public they want to be treated with respect and some of them do not want that in the bedroom at all because it's the difference between fantasy and reality. It's real good.

It's a genuine... That's the best part about feminism. Is? The fucking disgusting sex involved. I remember the first time I was that bag she was just like, she was like, I want you to is the fucking disgusting sex involved. It's real. I remember the first time I was at a party, she was like, I want you to choke me and spit on me.

And I remember saying the words, I was inside of her, and I went, my mother raised me better than that. Which is a mood killer for both, I may add. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it weren't for me, I would have calmed at that point. Because I was talking about my mother. Who knows while I'm in the room?

You're 16 outing and I'm the one she's tricked to blow you. Oh, no, I got pumped again. Oh, you're not Ashton Kutcher. This is the lower portion of it. This is shit. No, calm down. I'm just doing my own spin-off series in the UK. It's called Spunked.

UK it's called Spunked yeah it's my show where I basically get guys and their girlfriends and I get them to do the 69 position and then I come

out and I blow the guy and then the guy jumps off and I'm like yay and when they got upset I accused them of being homophobic

yeah you got spunked I called homophobic and the realanked I called homophobic and the real twist is there are no cameras it's just a hobby it's just something I do yeah

I do have a Patreon page though oh good you got a crowd fund yeah yeah you got it so like for for $20 a month I'll

I won't film it but what I will do is just as he before the reveal I'll put you on loudspeaker so that you can hear how angry he is. For 50, I'll spit his load into a vial for you to do as you please. It's not, you know.

No, no, no, no judgment. No judgment. Possession is nine-tenths of the law. Yeah. And for 100, that's, I'll come around to your house. I'll do it. Okay. For $100, you'll blow someone.

That's the lady's face remember 20 minutes ago it was either a day or a 10,000 within 20 minutes I've gone down to a 100 for a bang show that does not exist excellent this is good to know about you do you reckon you'd be good

at sucking dick? I don't know. I don't know. Because I reckon lesbians and gays, it must be great because you're dealing with someone who's got the same amount of experience with that bit as you. Lesbians must have the greatest sex and the same with fucking gay guys. They're like, I know exactly when and how you want this. I agree.

They know what a pussy is. They deal with it every day. Much like us. Just smashing it. Well, not every day. Also, they don't eat their own pussy. It's not like they grow up eating their own pussy and then they're like, I know exactly how to eat a pussy.

But they still know how, like, they've still got the experience of how gentle you have to be with a pussy. As opposed to, like, when you're a guy for the first time being like, what? They know where the bits are. Exactly. They didn't have to read a book. They didn't have to read a book to find out that the labia was sensitive as well.

That's true. They know all that. In the same way that, like, I'd never have to read. I've had good blowjobs and bad blowjobs. Yeah. But it's just I reckon it's the enthusiasm. I think I'd be able to do it efficiently. I'd definitely be able to make the guy come pretty quick. But I don't think I'd be particularly.

I don't think he would look back on that and he's spank bank forever. No, absolutely not. No, no, no. No. He probably would never go. That was one of the great blowjobs. Yeah. I would never be able to do all the stuff that I like. I would never be able to like give eye not. No, no, no. He probably would never go. That was one of the great blowjobs. Yeah, I would never be able to do all the stuff that I like.

I would never be able to give eye contact. No, I'd find that too awkward. If he touched the back of my head, I would... And him so much. I'm like, I'm doing it. I decide how deep I go. Yeah. If I did eye contact, I'd have to do some sarcastic look.

Just an eye roll? Yeah, just an eye roll or go cross-eyed or something. Just an eye roll and then come up and be like, oh, Mondays. Yeah, I'd turn it into a bit somewhere. I'd be like, I can't believe we're doing this. Oh, Jesus. That is another thing I think, like, reason for sex education before. Do you remember when sex became fun?

Do you remember the first time you fucked someone and you started laughing during it or making jokes? Oh, yeah. That's when it's good. Not laughing at them. No, no, no. Laughing with them or inside of them. Just like when it's funny and you're both having a good time. I love that, yeah.

Or when you make them laugh so hard during sex that they laugh you out. Like, because when they laugh, you just go, whoop. Yeah. It's like just the bouncer of her vagina went come on i remember i remember thinking because when you're young you think sex has to be so serious and like you've just got you've got to be a bit of like fucking romantic and cheesy which it can be and those are the moments that it's the difference between making love and fucking not to be smart to making love because if you find your fucking soulmate, somebody you must have been to,

is as woke and as cocky as it sounds, making love can be the test. You can make love, but also you can fuck your soulmate. Oh, you can rail them. And they can rail you. Like they could, I mean, no,

let's have a strap on whatever you're fucking into, but just to say, yeah, like they can just make you feel like, oh, all right, well well i'm glad you were the only person in my life that ever saw any of that oh yeah oh god yeah when that that's the good thing about fucking your soulmate is that they are sworn to secrecy yeah the shit that you say and do and yeah it's not like it's not like a one-night stand where the girls can go back and if you've done

something weird you're inside it's like i fucked this guy the other night he did something so fucking weird your soulmate can't say that to her friends because her friends will be like you've chosen to fuck that

forever shame and embarrassment also how much they enjoyed it I know I've got stuff that will die

with my wife yeah and as sad as you'll be the day your wife dies there will be one part of you that goes,

I mean, I've got nothing to worry about anymore. That's the one witness gone. It's like clearing the Google search history. That is what it is. Yeah, like when I die, don't clear my browser history. Just swear my wife to silence. Cut her fucking tongue out, right? Just make her mute.

Whatever you have to do cut off her hands i don't want to write in a blog either oh my god exactly i'll tell you i found i actually i wanted to tell you about this last time i was down here in melbourne i met these two dudes at a gig i did a gig called spleen which you've done a bunch of times these two guys were talking to me they gave me the business card which i've hung on to yeah and as you can see their business is called party boys oh and the tagline is party tours it's and i'm not going to turn it over yet it's just black it's matte black it's matte black there's no they're they're like no no no look not balloons

no no no it's not that type of party it's it's an adult kind of party turn the card over you can see that they've got both their names they're both called Anthony

and both their mobile numbers both their mobile and I'm not gonna I won't give it out but it's something at

partyboys.co yeah so i got chatting to these boys they are exactly the type of characters that we play from time to time real woke cuck party boy guys who like to they run this business called party boys party tours and what they do is they go around to every hostel and backpackers in melbourne and just invite all the girls onto a big pub crawl to different clubs around the city and i said to them straight within about 30 seconds of meeting them i went did you guys start this business to get pussy and they both went to high five me at the same time oh my god like 1920 or something like these young boys uh and that's all they do they're like bro you can't honestly these chicks it's just so good we show them a good time

and then we give them our numbers and then we just fuck them it's so good oh god these legends anyway i wanted to know if they still existed so i went on partyboys.co the other day, and the website has been taken down. No! But they've started a new business. They've started a gourmet donut business. I won't give out the name of it. No, fuck it, I will. It's called Jammed.

It's called J-A-M-M-D. No! Yeah. So they're still a bit sexual like they've grown up from trying to fuck girls in hostels and now they've gone to the uh the the carbohydrate version of women yeah exactly pastry with holes and i imagine i don't know anything about jam but i imagine they do pop-up stores at like different food festivals and shit and now they're just trying to fuck like i don't know know, women in their 30s, I guess. Yeah.

They've moved up a little bit from 19-year-olds to 30-year-olds. I love it. I'm obsessed with this. I feel we should try and get Party Boys out of retirement. Yeah. And then just properly invite them to a sausage fest. And just the whole time you're like, but it's called Party Boys. Yeah. We thought that those,

you just show boys a good time. Oh, you should maybe join our company. It's called Party Boys, but we spell boys, B-O-I-Z. Yeah.

Because we are, and party spelled with seven A's. Party Boys. Yeah, not the N's. No, it's not Party Boys. Party Boys. Party Boys. It's a bit piratey. Yeah, it is.s. No, not party boys. Party boys. Party boys.

It's a bit piratey. Yeah, it is. Yeah, yeah. You should invite the party boys to your next FIFA tournament. Yeah. And, like, get them to organize catering and shit. Yeah, well, and with their fucking donuts. Yeah, jam.

I can't guarantee they've not fucked. I genuinely can't. But I went on their, I looked both of them up on Facebook. They're both called Anthony, which I love. And they have pretty defined last names. Do you reckon they have a... Because they were called Anthony, do you reckon they have nicknames for themselves?

He's on one, I'm on two. Of course. Or he's Tony and I'm on... Of course they've done that. And together. So he's Tony and together we're Anthony. They would have had so many catchphrases to get women to remember the game. They call us Anthony squared.

Yeah. Oh, God. The two Tonys. There's so much of it. I went, I looked them both up on Facebook. One of them, he's one of the Anthony's. Which one? I can't remember.

Anthony. Tony 2, I think. Tony 2. which one is uh i can't remember tony too i think it says uh he's the ceo of jammed and also um professional breast examiner oh that's my favorite type of guy my favorite type of guy ceo and a breast examiner i guarantee oh yeah one of those guys which is like yeah kind of college it's more of a hobby oh yes i guarantee he's got a shirt that says fbi female body inspector now let me ask you a question about that shirt when you first saw that it was the funniest thing i've ever seen it was the funniest thing i've ever seen it was the funniest thing and

i owned one did you really i own sure i had a shirt that said i do all my own stunts because i god mike when i when i fell in love with fucking, probably fell in love with stand-up and stuff, it was before Netflix and it was before YouTube. Yeah. So it was like the only way I could watch stand-up was whatever stand-up shows were on television. And even then, we didn't fully have Sky recording back then.

Yeah. Or the other one was I just went on eBay and bought any VHSs or DVDs. I just typed in comedy, bought those, watched those. But the other one

was just, I literally just Googled funny pictures. Oh, of course. And one of the first things was funny T-shirt slogans. Yeah. Do you remember,

I don't know if it was a thing in Australia, but I guarantee every teenager in the UK has gone through this thing where your mum would take you to HMV, right? And it was like a music store. But you just go to the funny posters. Oh, God, yeah. And you just flick through the funny posters.

And there's like ones where it's like they've, it's road signs, but they've given them different captions. Yep. All those ones. Yeah, yeah. Funny different captions. Yep. All those ones. Yeah, yeah. Funny sex positions. Yep. And you're like 13 and you're like, you can't buy it when your mum's there, even though you're going to buy it and put it up in your room that she cleans.

Yeah. Yeah. That was absolutely my sense of what I could do. I had like two big South Park ones. Yeah. With all the characters. Of course you did. Yeah. Yeah. I Park ones. Yeah. With all the characters. Of course you did. Yeah.

I absolutely did. I think my mum thought I was gay for several years because I was really, really into WWF and I bought all the, I spent, no, no, I didn't even buy, I spent a day just printing out pictures of all my favourite wrestlers to stick on my wall. Using up all the fucking ink. All the ink. to stick on my wall using up all the fucking ink all the ink

and what she all she saw was just me printing out just oiled up men buff as fuck and just me going he's my favourite

but I like him they're a tag team on the wall beside my bed I reckon that for the first several years whenever I brought home girlfriends

my mum was like okay sweetie it's sweet I love she did in those years and she just said the phrase i love you no matter what repeatedly and i'm just like she just loves me yeah she thinks i'm like she's trying to ease you out of the closet oh yeah i i had south park ones i had a big poster road trip remember the movie road oh yeah but before i'd even seen it i just knew

it was a dirty movie it had skits in it and stuff so i like got the american pie i had that i had that really old poster of that famous one of that girl and on the tennis court scratching her arse and one of her cheeks is that classic you remember i don't think i ever saw anyone actually have that poster in all those shops. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I bought it. Oh, yeah. I bought it.

Because I didn't have... First time I... I don't know when you discovered porn, but when the porn was on the internet for me, it wasn't on... You didn't just go on porn.com. You had Kaza on LimeWire. LimeWire. And you just had to download porn.

And 60% of the stuff you downloaded was not what the description said so you'd be like lesbian sex and you'd download like 7 of them 3 of them would be viruses and 4 of them involved dogs and you just got your dick out

and you'd just sit there watching the download bar go up and bigger and bigger like it's a big fight to virus did you have a computer in your room yeah i did now this is in the living area so i used to have to find pictures of like anna nicole smith or pamela anderson or whoever and print them off and then take them into the toilet to jerk off with and then flush the a4 paper down the toilet to get rid of the evidence oh wow really you didn't save them no i just used to i guess tribute them yeah if i can come on the picture and then just flush it like so it's like big balls of a4 paper

just struggling to get down the toilet just the plumbing bills which is so fucking bad here is what that's the thing that people you know as damaging as porn can be like it saved a lot of trees

like let's be honest like look if like fucking internet porn is the reason the Amazon is not decimated because if they

had not invented internet porn you think I'd give a fuck about koalas fucking pardon me. Print me that guy eating ass. Yeah. And print it fucking out.

Well, that's the thing. I can't. I could never. I don't think I could even come over a still image anymore. No? No. Do you not get it? Like if your wife was to send you a nude?

Well, that's different. Nudes because there's a whole like thrill of like you know it's been sent it's for you it's a private thing and all that stuff and the

emotional weight of it like when you go when you see the bubble coming up and you know that there's a message coming like there's

so much thrill to it but I could never just buy a porno mag and like flip to a nude girl you couldn't go back to acoustic

definitely you couldn't go back to acoustic porno go back to acoustic do you reckon if it doesn't exist already it will fucking happen in the same way with fucking vinyl oh there's there is going to be like resurgence oh there's gonna be people like nah nah it's look it's the classic it's just look it's, it's the difference between a Kindle and a book. It's the smell. The smell of stale fucking cum, isn't it? It's just really, the feel of just, it's like the paper is sore. The magazine is three years old, but it's as delicate as ancient tomes. Oh, my God.

Like, you've got to turn every page like a fucking paleo. And little tweezers to turn the page and shit. It's in like a hermetically sealed room. You've got to say it's fingerprint scan. It's like the Declaration of Independence. It's like that scene in National Treasure

where they've got to gently wash it down and keep it all together. Oh my God. But it's just some big fake kids in a huge bush. Yeah. What is your opinion on bush? Yeah. I'm all for it.

Yeah. I'm a feminist though, so. Obviously. Yeah. Baby, baby, where you got hair, I don't care. Yeah. I don't care. I love it.

That's not true though. Like, I, like, man, if you want mass amounts of fucking bush, like, great. you got hair i don't care yeah i don't care i love it that's not true though like i like man if you want mass amounts of fucking bush like crap but i always just say just have clean the plate like if you want a little bit of grooming yeah like if you want to have a fucking massive bush i've got zero problem with that at all but like in the same way in the same way that i'll shave my balls yeah right like like it like i don't trim you know i don't manscape too much but it really gets just i'm not making you go down just on the worst like i just hate the feeling of having a huge fucking bush myself i just hate it do you have a huge i you're quite here but i'm hairless oh right

yeah my main problem is my my butt oh really i regularly shave my asshole really yeah me and kai talked about this it was one of the things that bonded us is uh friends he mentioned one day to me that he was off to shave his asshole and he was waiting for my reaction i was like you shaved your asshole too and i was like he was like yeah did you asshole. And he was waiting for my reaction. I was like, you shaved your asshole too? And I was like, he was like, yeah. Did you actually shave it with a razor?

Yeah, it's not graceful. It doesn't sound great. It's never graceful. It's a real degrading process to go through. Jesus Christ. But it's, I've done a fucking stand up routine

about how important I think it is because the amount of paper you save when you wipe. Oh yeah. Mate, it's unreal and also you could wax

I'm very bad with pain I'm real bad with pain really you couldn't deal with it no I've had I'm so bad with pain

like I've always said that whatever your fucking fetish is what you're into like a comedy I'm into them right but I'll also respect

your boundaries if I'm into something and you're not into it I will make you do it but I also want the same back if I'm into something and you're not into it I won't make you do it but I also want the same back I've had girls be like slap me that's what you're into we can do this and then they slap me

and I'm like you're about to go home I can't I hate pain so much I hate being hit I've never enjoyed it I've had a girl once rake I just got my back tattoo tattoo done, my shoulder tattoo. Oh, God.

And she just raked her fingers down it, and I just went, I am absolutely done. Like, I threw a little fucking huffy bitch fit. Yeah, I don't think I could handle pain in sex at all. I don't like it. I can't handle pain in real life. Have you ever been punched in the face? I've been headbutted once, and I was so so drunk and it was a very bad headbutt, but I know my reaction.

I'm not a fighter in any way. No, no, no. I've got no. Never mind. No, no. It's just pain's not. I don't like it. We shouldn't like it.

It's not good. It's not good. But I never want to say that because I don't like pain. And they're like, why not? And I'm like, not you're the fun one it's called pain it's supposed to be bad we're supposed to avoid it

that's why anesthetic for years and years humanity has all medicine is to stop fucking pain and also that's the reason we got into comedy to avoid any kind of violence as sort of

a way to get around confrontation at all times. Get off awkward conversation. I didn't want to talk to myself out of so many fights growing up just by being like charming

or like very quickly becoming friends with the guy who's trying to hit me. Yeah, yeah. Somehow. Yeah, I'm a master of talking myself

out of fights and just been like and you know just at that point being like fucking buddy look i don't want to fight what does get bad is whenever i'm with kai though oh yeah and i do have to check myself quite regularly because having kai is like having an older brother and i no longer have the need to talk myself out of fights because I have someone that for it Yeah, that'd be important. Oh, he will because one he's my best friend. He doesn't want me to get hit but also, you know He's if I die, he's got three months in the diary every year. They just suddenly needs filled We turn together. He's got it. Yeah And I have absolutely taken liberties with that before

together he's got a yeah yeah and i i have absolutely taken liberties with that before to real shit levels we were once at a casino this is i will admit this is one of the worst things i've ever done and i still love it yeah we were at a casino uh two of my female friends they went to school with them we're all fucking hanging out go at this fucking casino and um there's two guys in front there's a restaurant there's two guys in front of us and two girls in front of them. The two girls in front of the two guys recognize me and Kyle because they'd seen the show. And they were just like, oh my God, you guys shouldn't have to queue.

You guys should just go ahead and get in the restaurant. And me and Kyle were like, that's not how this works. We're fine with queuing. And the two guys were like, why should they not have to queue? And I'm like, buddy, we do have to queue. He's like, no, why don't you have to queue? And I was like, I've been on telly um community they've seen the show and they're like oh so you think you're famous i'm like no they think i'm

famous that's what the discussion is yeah they think i'm famous to a level that i'm not famous they think i could skip queues i won't but this just gets in their head they in their head they've just been made betas so yeah eventually get into the fucking restaurant and the whole time they're bringing up youtube videos of me and be like oh not even funny not it just and i'm just sitting there i i'm not fucking rising to that at all because i join me to do anything i'm like don't need to do anything just fucking let it go uh but they're still going and then the two girls i'm with like do you want us to leave and i'm like now that they they're getting upset like they're also concerned for me like yeah that's when my ego was bruised yeah of course you don't want someone to be like all of a sudden become your mom yeah like these two girls that i like they just seem the most

confident man in the world when i was on stage and now because i'm just been like i'll just ignore it the guys were like the girls like are you okay and i'm like and now i'm done yeah now i'm now and this is wrong but now it's like you have offended my honor and i've got to i've got to go off on that so what did you do so i went up to the table with the two guys were sat at the table and the two girls the two fans were sat there i went up to the two girls i went to kai i went follow my lead i went to the two girls i was like would you two girls like a photo and they're like oh my god we'd love one kai took the camera i then moved the two guys dinner to the other side of their table. I sat on their table where they were still eating.

Yeah. One of the guys stood up, kind of looked over the camera and just went sit down or die. And the guy sat down and we did a five minute photo shoot on their table where I was just eating their chips off of their fucking plate. Yeah. And every time one of them piped up at one point, a grown man, I shushed him.

Right. It was just, I went, sh the thought and that was it i just went and he just sat there and just because every time they did it kai kai's hard as fucking nails right they know and just they really and i hate how happy that whole that's incredible that would make me that would fill me up for a year yeah oh it happened five years ago I still jerk off to it yeah of course no I don't I love that shit I love it anytime you can just

all it takes is just a tiny little action from you to shut someone up is the best feeling in the world just undercut you yeah it's always that you know it's the alpha thing yeah like if you're trying to out alpha me there's a lot of times where i'm just like if you need to feel like the alpha now i'll fucking back down we all know who it really is but in other situations

when you legit that primal instinct when you legit get to alpha someone else out yeah which i think is why we're so comfortable being cucks now. Yeah, of course. Because we know we're in charge. Secretly. I'm like, yeah, yeah, sure. He's about to come seriously right up my wife's vagina and cream pie her and probably get her pregnant. But I know that it's really, I'm still the daddy here. Yeah, I'm raising the kid. Yeah, I'm raising the kid.

I'm paying for the bills. I'm raising the kid as if it was my own. Nurture over nature. I've always said that. Those were my first words, actually. Nature over nurture? Yeah, to my dad, who's not my dad. Somebody else came up, my mum and my dad.

Yeah, my dad's my inspiration. I think you are born a cop. It's not a choice. Like you come out of a woman's vagina what's more better than that that's one of my favorite uh like little alpha dog moves so there's this guy after a comedy gig i can't remember there was this really rough comedy gig in sydney that i did a couple years ago and someone tried to heckle and I was being a real, I was being hilarious taking this guy down from the stage. And then afterwards I was in the car

park and his friends were with him and he was trying to have a go at me again. These friends were clearly holding him back. Like they weren't going to let him fight me. And he got right up in my face and I just booped his nose. And is the ultimate outfit thing. So good. Just to go like boop, like that touching his nose. Just the... And knowing that his friends won't let him

take a swing and he's like, I'm safe. Yeah. Now I can just drive home and never come here again. Yeah, yeah. And never come here

again. Never come here again because I'm actually terrified. Oh, let's move on to our first game. Oh, so this the way this records

is really dumb because it's not in minutes in seconds I don't know how many seconds holy shit 1400 seconds is it's enough dude

yeah I mean it's probably a fucking fair bit uh right we'll do one muggle corner each because we've had a fair bit of fucking blather

yeah and that's and that's what a Right, we'll do one Muggle Corner each because we've had a fair bit of fucking blather. Yeah. And that's what a fart from a shaved asshole sounds like. It's like air being let out of a balloon. Yeah, it's really... It's beautiful. And smell-wise as well. Yeah. Right, go for your first Muggle Corner.

What do Muggles do, Cameron? Right. Go for your first Muggle corner. What do Muggles do, Cameron? I think Muggles put posts on Facebook that begin with Hive Mind. Yes. As if you are on a platform that does not have Google. I cannot stand that so much. Hive Mind, need recommendations for a restaurant

in the Melbourne CBD. Okay, you can actually just type Melbourne restaurant and the first five that come up will be in the CBD.

There's a thing called Yelp. Yeah. I can't stand it. And also, you've got friends like, you've got friends

that you would ask about certain things. I would never say Hivemind because if I want to know a restaurant, I will ask Reese Nicholson. Exactly. What do you think it's for?

Do you think they do it because they just want, they need that engagement? I need notifications on their phone. I, I think it is a form of absolute virtual signaling. I think it's, I think it's such a way to, it's a way of letting everyone know what you're up to but like but

without being like so just look i'm all i'm instead of the post they want to do which is like i'm a real fucking footy and i want to go to a certain place that uh they just want to be like look i i'm cultured yeah and i'm so cultured that like all of my friends are real cultured too it's virtue it's virtue signaling that allows everyone else that comments on it to be a virtue signaler as well i've just been like they're like oh well you've got to try this it's unheard of it's new it's asian fusion but with mexican uh it's at this secret location you go down an alleyway and you have to text this number and then they come down and let you in yeah they just it's served out of it they just the chef he puts his heart and soul he literally serves it out of his hands and there's no cutlery it's just it's it's like

it's called mother teresa yeah the chef comes out with a leper she you know comes out and feeds you with her hands and it's nurturing and beautiful it's just so it's so good i had a i had a salad there it was it was 97 and it was essentially a cherry tomato that hadn't been washed because you know just everything because mother theresa she didn't wash did she no she doesn't want none but she did uh she didn't wash the feet of the people yeah and so did this guy he washes your feet and then he freshly prepares your meal and with your foot water with your foot water just the foot soup as they say in china namaste i can't stand um also calling

your friends hive mind oh that's what their job is. Just to be your fucking brain's trust at any time you need to know where a chemist is or whatever. Yeah, hive mind. Look, I've got a problem. Get it off Facebook then. Get the fuck off Facebook. One of my favorite things to do on Facebook is to do one of those posts. I do them every few weeks.

I'll just do a big hive mind, need suggestions for a place to get my dick pierced, ASAP and just see how many responses I get. It's pathetic. It's real. It's always just, this is what I'm up to. It's the equivalent of

they'll always say, hive mind, I'm in Thailand. What's the best place to go to Thailand? Right, you're going to Thailand. That's the best place to go to thailand right you're going to thailand that's what that's what you wanted to say yeah what you want is i'm going to this place and all of us to acknowledge that you're going to this place and you're doing this thing then why don't they just do that they should just do it if that's all because that's but that's yeah well but yeah yeah they should but they won't in the same way that you know fucking we won't yeah true we should though we should we just do a big post being like we're going to thailand we're going to thailand because

we can afford it uh just yeah yeah yeah also to all my friends who can also afford to go to thailand can you just all raise your hands and then everyone else on my facebook can see who can't afford to go to thailand because none of them have commented. Who has been recently and who's planning on going. Yeah. Who's just everyone. Who's been to Thailand? That's what the whole game is. Who's been to Thailand?

Who's been to Thailand? It's not what restaurant. It's Thailand. All the food's fucking good. Just go anywhere. That's the point of Thailand. Hi, man. What's the best restaurant in Thailand?

It's the street food. Thailand. Yeah, it's Thailand. Thailand is the best restaurant. Yeah, it's Thailand. Yeah, it really is. Yeah. Everywhere is good. I've never had a bad

meal in Thailand sure I've shat myself off in most meals in Thailand yeah of course yeah yeah but just you know so did the Romans

yeah it's good enough for them it's good enough for me it's your muggle my muggle corner is now

this is going to send a lot of listeners down the drain but I do need to explain it muggles organize for the work group to go and see a comedy show This is going to send a lot of listeners down the drain, but I do need to explain it. Muggles organize for the work group to go and see a comedy show. Oh, Jesus Christ.

You're preaching to the choir. Right. I fully, fully understand the logic of what it is, which is like, you know, there's three of your friends at work who you like. And there's a whole bunch of other ones. And you want to just, it's group bonding it's good for that but what you're actually doing is comedy is very subjective

and you're getting fucking Shannon from HR and Dave the fucking sexist janitor and you're trying to and also you're all drinking, you all just want to go for drinks it's not just it's after work drinks with a point when you're taking people away

from a fucking thing with everyone having to focus on the one thing and it's some guy they don't know probably who's talking at them about his opinions and it only resonates with 30% of them and the person who's organized it I imagine it's hell on earth for them

because the whole time they're not watching the comedy they're doing that classic thing of they're looking to the sides to make sure everyone... It's a nightmare for you. They've also organized everyone's accounts. They're like, all right, so it's $12 each. Yeah, yeah. So everyone chip in. Just ship it. No, $10 doesn't work.

I do need the $2. Because if you all just give me $10, then I'm actually down $20. So do need the $2 because if you all just give me 10, then I'm actually down 20. So I'd need the $2 in coins. It's so fucking annoying. And as audience members, it's not. And it's always the Friday inside. I always find that during festivals, most of the time, Sundays through Thursdays are the best crowds because 70% of those audience members are the ones that

they've come out to see you. Yeah. They want to do something on the night. They're not going to get fucking shit faced. It's just that Friday and Saturdays

is 20-30% your audience and 70% people who were punters, flyered and whatever. Yeah. And especially with my show this year, like when I ask the audience

and I go, how many saw my show last year? When it's 20%, I'm just like, 80% of you have come into the fucking deep end right yeah because anyone who's seen me before

has gradually seen my stand up get darker and more into and more into me and then you've just come into me just being like yeah so I'd kill a bunch of cunts

if I could and they're like what wait a second what yeah why would you this isn't wacky yeah

that's the thing the worst show i've had in this festival so far was a saturday night sold out i was so confident all day here we go this is gonna be great and packed um worst crowd so fucking quiet could not crack them found out the next day that there was a work group of 15 in the front two rows or so and that totally explained it for me oh okay of course they were all sitting there just wishing they weren't there yeah uh or or worse is when they they enjoy it when they enjoy it they enjoy it in bad ways which is like you'll do a joke i'm like oh my god that's debbie yeah that's and they don't understand you're like you're talking through the show they're like no but you're talking through the show. They're like,

no, but we're talking about the joke. Cause what you just, Debbie does that all the time. And I'm just like, I know that she, tell, tell him the story about how you do.

You're like, I don't want to hear the fucking story. Fuck Debbie. You guys can talk about Debbie in honestly 40 minutes. Yeah. It's going to feel like 60. Yeah. Because,

oh boy, you are making this feel like pulling fucking teeth oh my god yeah absolutely i don't know why anyone would ever want to even socialize with their work friends when i've had day jobs you know i have i never went to a single work event yeah it's not i understand it always it's what this is what of, my goals are never bad people. It comes from such a good place. The person that organizes is going, I want, I want to know this person a bit more. It should be fun.

It'll just make being at work on Monday fun. We can all talk about the comedy show. Yeah. That we saw on Friday. Yeah. And it's never worth it. No. It's never worth it.

Oh, you should put a ban on groups bigger than four comedy shows yeah anytime there's more than four especially maybe not for you because you're in bigger rooms but i mean i'm only in like a 45 seater you know so if there's a group of eight that's a sizable percentage of the room like it's almost 10 and And they take charge in a way. Is that terrible math? I don't know. I'm also terrible at math. I think it is.

I think it's actually close to 20. Oh, God. And they just, they will honestly just, they decide if they want to laugh or not and that is infectious.

Yeah. It's small. Yeah, that size is, I've always found that like, you'll always find one area of the room that's not laughing. Yeah. And that's why I love individual laughers anyone that's got the fucking confidence

you know when you do a joke that only one person laughs at, I love that because I'm like you're great, because even I don't have the fucking confidence to do that like if a comedian does a joke and nobody else laughs I'll just go, it was a good one though but I'm not letting you know that I'm the only one that enjoyed it I am, on that letting you know that I'm the only one that enjoyed it I am on that

particularly bad night that I had I had one person laugh at my opening joke and I said I'd actually said to her you are correct I was like your instincts are right keep following those and then bit by bit I got people

throughout the show and it ended up fine but it took such a long time. It's one of those gigs where it's like a game of Risk. Oh, yeah. Where you're just slowly conquering bits of the audience. And then you do one joke and you're like, I just lost the right hand slate. They've been with me since the beginning. I know.

I shouldn't have done that stuff. But fuck it, you've got to do it. Do you have another one? Oh, yeah, I've got another one. You can do one more. Go through them in bits. maybe this is a bit specific but even better muggles have a lot of theories about magic mushrooms helping human evolution i could have shortened that to muggles.

Listen to the Joe Rogan podcast, but I've spoken to so many guys in the last year that are like, yeah, do you know that? Like when we were apes, a few of the apes ate magic mushrooms and that expanded their minds. And that's why we are the way we are today. Like,

no, like, I don't think so, dude. Would you ever be one of those guys? I could imagine you being on the cusp of someone who would go, I could see how hallucinogenics helps evolution. I don't because just for me, I'm like, how?

To affect all of humanity, there must have been farms of magic mushrooms. Oh, yeah. Right? Because, I don't know if there are farms of magic mushrooms now. You and five friends go out and you find

a specific bit in the fucking room. It's not enough for it to affect all fucking humanity. Like, it's just not, every part of the fucking, it's not enough.

I just don't believe it meat though it's like there's science behind meat affecting oh really yeah yeah yeah so it's like

meat massively affected human evolution because we were able when we foraged and stuff for us to get all the nutrients we needed

we were like pandas you had to fucking eat all the fucking time and most of the time we spent foraging whereas we learned how to fucking cook all the fucking time and most of the time we spent foraging whereas we learned how to fucking cook meat it was like

80% of our fucking protein and then we had 12 hours left in the day so we just got more energy more energy more energy quicker

and I don't know the science of it the great book Sapiens has a bit about how it he's like look if you're vegan now

absolutely fine makes sense, grand, but you do have to understand how important meat was to the evolution of man. It did make, it did make our brains grow.

Yeah. We didn't have to just eat 50 mushrooms or potatoes a day. Yeah, it was just like, yep, here's one bit of a tiger

and there you go, now you can go build stuff. Also, do you reckon, do you reckon the fucking the ape the ape magic mushrooms was also the one

that invented fire shut the fuck up yeah he's he's standing in the fire yeah he's like bro you gotta check this out

and the other ones are just inventing the wheel like Steve can't you just nah man like what's what's consciousness

what's anything we live outside yeah what are you talking about just no man like what's what's consciousness what's anything we live outside yeah jesus fucking christ could you just forage the ape with the eight magic mushrooms for the first time was also the first date that said um actually yeah correcting cancer and she's yeah it's one of those claims where i was like that is a claim that you've come with because you've obviously been on mushrooms your mind has expanded blah blah blah which it hasn't like i've done mushrooms i've done dmt i've done all this

stuff they are very very interesting experiences and i can understand where you're coming from but unlike a lot of people do it when i go back to normality my rational brain goes first time i smoked dmt had a fucking really weird experience phoned my dad afterwards told him everything i experienced and his explanation goes yeah that's what happens when you smoke dreams it was just such and then i was like no but the visualizations and my dad went i guarantee you i can show you the visualizations that you get on acid and dmt and i was like there's not a way he's like i guarantee you i can there's a program online which you put in on any movie scene and what movie scene is going on the computer uh randomly googles images of animals and just intersplices them with the faces because a lot

of what dmt does and acid does is it changes the way that light refracts in your eyes and how your brain processes images. And this computer works at how it does refract in the eyes because it's all scientific and it's all measurable. And when he showed me the video, I was like, yeah, that's what I see when I'm on acid. It's spot on. That's the way I've always felt about acid and stuff like that is when people say, you know, it just shows you that we're all connected. I'm like, it doesn't,

it's just something, that was made in a lab, it's just, it's science. I did a 2CB, which is a form of acids, when I was at, festival,

and I can tell, not to be sponsored, but genuinely, at the time, I felt love, like love was a genuine energy, like it really was, I was standing,

in a fucking field field with my best friends and fucking Elton John interesting side note of one of the effects of 2CB is it makes you know all of the words to every Elton John song

I went and told John I was like I don't know any Elton John songs I knew them all and the dances it's really interesting but yeah I remember standing

with my friends and just it was the colours were amazing and when I was I was like I can I can literally feel

the love that my friends have for me emanating and it's filling me with joy and then the next day I was like I was on drugs

yeah I've never once carried over a drug experience into the real world no I now know more about the world and myself

I've always been like whoa I was fucked up. Yeah, and it was great. Yeah. And I enjoyed being that person.

Yeah. But if I was that person forever, oh, I'd be a shit comic. Oh God, I know. That's why every comic

that gets too into acid always ends up sucking at a certain point. Yeah, because you don't have any cynicism left. No, it's all positive shit

I'm saying. It's all just, yeah, just doesn't fucking work. My last one is a short one my goals use and I'm in the corner

for this my goals use Instagram stories oh yeah I'm in the corner I think most of us are in the corner but it was just like

I'm very bad very bad my online presence is utterly garbage very occasionally there's been two times where i've had like good threads on instagram stories and it's always to do with me drinking it's always like the one first was time was me and kai going drink for drink with each other and then that was quite a good fucking story and then there was another time when a bar said like you can't have more than three margaritas of these or you'll die and i went i was like i'll do fucking seven like you have like just cowards drinking here yeah if not don't tell me what my limit on alcohol is

those were both fucking great ones but the rest of time i just feel so much that i'm just i'm forcing content it is a lot of that it's's just, I just go, I'm relevant. I'm here. I'm relevant. I'm here. Here I am. I'm still here. And you have to do it. And even as a comedian and a fucking person,

I just go, this is just so, I know I'll only do them. There's two reasons I'll do an Instagram story. One, if I think something's funny, but I don't ever want to commit it to the thread. Let's go.

This will be going in 24 hours. It's a dumb, stupid photo or video of my friend or me doing a stupid voice. Or the more cynical one is you do an Instagram story because it puts your real photo higher up in people's feed. Does it? Yeah. That's why it exists.

It's, it's for the algorithm. If you're posting shit all the time on the story, it makes your real photos more visible see i'm so cynical and i do spend a solid 30 minutes every day on instagram there are some people on instagram who i love their stories like i um you know i'll slide into their dms i'll be like this is a good one yeah but just like this is just such i just feel like i was like my online content i'm just like, I just want,

the only part of my, me, I ever want, apart from the podcast, which I enjoy just because I can be honest, I want you to see me on stage. I don't, you don't,

you don't want to see every part of my life. I know you think you do. And that's because I show you the bits that I want you to see. You do not want to see me at every part of my life. You don't want to hear me talk all day i can talk and be fucking slightly amusing on this podcast for a fucking hour a week yeah but jesus i'm a shit cunt the rest of the time like you've walked into it i live like a slob oh yeah yeah this is the this is howard hughes level this room yeah it's real jars of

piss and cum everywhere it's real fucking it's it's yeah i as i don't have depression but if you saw the way i'd live it would take me months to convince you yeah i feel like walking in here i almost thought i'm gonna have to talk him off the ledge at some point there's a we're a table beside a window there's a blanket on the floor that blanket is on the floor because that's the window i smoke weed out and i don't put clothes on to smoke weed because i've just come out of bed. So I just wrap myself around and I'm just like a fucking Ukrainian war widow. Just fucking sucking the ends of this last bit of fucking tobacco. Looking out at Flinders Street.

It's real bleak. Right, before we go into your dad jokes, plug yourself. Speaking of, I'm relentlessly marketing yourself. Oh, God, it's so important to honestly put content out and network and show people that you exist. And I do exist. Yeah. My name is Cameron James. And you're on the Instagram.

I'm on the Facebook. Instagram. Twitter. Twitter and Facebook. I am Cameron James in my head. And you're doing shows in Melbourne. Because this will go out in the next two days. You're doing shows in Melbourne what time? Yeah, I'm at 7 o'clock at the Greek Center and I think I'm the only person there who isn't Greek.

Great. And that's been awesome. Yeah, good. You know what? They've got to – equality works both ways. Yeah, they need to let one of me in so we can let one of them into another. Yeah, yeah, of course, of course. Yeah. we can let one of them into another yeah yeah of course of course

yeah are you doing Sydney or oh yeah I'm doing Sydney I can't remember the time or place or whatever but I'm sure if they they can fucking

google it they can find out and you can't know when I'm on Melbourne and Sydney and Paris google it I'll see you all then right

your dad jokes oh yeah I'm very excited I'm genuinely excited to hear your dad jokes i've watched you on the podcast for a while and i yeah i'm just i'll go first okay uh your dad got banned from his air guitar uh banned for air molesting one of the other members mine are no good by the way your dad's nickname for his penis is Scarlett Johansson

because it's red and curvy and has a pussy. Your dad says Steve Irwin was Australia's Diana. Where were you when Steve Irwin died? Holy shit. I actually do remember where I was. where were you when Steve Irwin died holy shit I actually do remember where I was my dad my dad

walked me out I was like Steve Irwin's death really fucked me up I grew up watching him my dad really I loved him

I thought he was the fucking coolest guy in the world my dad came I remember I was wearing a fun pen my dad came and was like

Steve Irwin's dead and then left and I'm like hug me that's like the night like I got woken up dead. And then left. I'm like, hug me. That's like the night, like I got woken up on the morning of 9-11 with the same thing,

but no one told me on fucking Steve Irwin day. I found out like right at the end of the day, he'd been dead for hours. Fuck shit. Your dad plays competitive power walking

and he's just okay at it. Your dad's one and only television credit is in the laugh track of How I Met Your Mother. He's always the one that like claps. Tries to start an applause.

No one goes for it. But doesn't quite have the leadership sale. That's a very famous Tom Haunt joke. Your dad is handsome for a burns victim. Your dad's hips don't lie, but his lips have told your mother on several occasions that he's never cheated.

Your dad thinks doggy style is when he eats food from your mum's plate, comes up her stocking, and then shits in his own shoe. Your dad wears a gum shield at the footy and he's the referee your dad's favorite food is leftover cereal milk from his best friend gavin's bowl your dad ties his own shoes together and walks out in public so people think he's got mates who play totally sick pranks on him he just walks out

and he's like oh Jeff they got me again what are they like holy shit imagine there's gotta be people out there

that do that of course at the office there are people that do the the fucking Facebook thing like oh

she caught me sleeping that's a selfie oh that's so selfie oh of course yeah oh that's so embarrassing uh let me see alright

your dad's always trying to start a game of stacks on he lays on the floor and waits for people to pile on top of him no one ever does he's just a sad man

lying in a park yelling pile on pile on uh your dad got food poisoning once and now has a blog about dealing with bulimia my dad would start a blog that's the worst part

I reckon he would start a blog late in life when your dad goes to sleep instead of counting sheep he counts the amount of times he's been cucked cries himself to sleep sleep. Instead of counting sheep, he counts the amount of times he's been cupped. Cries himself to sleep. Your dad really enjoyed Akmal's show this year.

He would. He would enjoy Akmal's show. He would. A lot of people would. He's very popular. Yeah, he's very popular. Have you ever seen Upbomb? Yeah. Do you like him?

He's good at what he does. Yeah. Yeah. I saw him. Me and him are not competing for the same audience. No, you guys aren't. Yeah. I saw him do a show at the comedy store once.

I went, I came in at the start of the show. He was doing great. And then I went to the bar to get a drink. And by the time I came back, so say four minutes later, there was six people heckling him in the crowd and he was on stage going, everyone shut up! Just shut up! Please! Just let me

finish my thoughts! I've never seen anything like it. I don't know how the fuck that happened. He had a sold out crowd and then he lost control of them in four minutes. How the fuck that happened. He had a sold out crowd and then he lost control of them in four minutes. How the fuck that happened. What have I got? Your dad honestly needs to believe in himself

more. He's not as pathetic as he thinks he is. That's positive. You listening, dad? Your dad has cornered the market of the deepfake porn with the queen in it. He says it's like fucking a stamp. That's all the picture. It's not the queen from the public.

It's all the pictures are from coins and notes. So she's always side on. Yeah, she's always side on. Or he's done that thing where if you fold it down certain angles, you can make her smile. Oh, yeah. You ever done the one on Australian $5 note where if you fold it down certain angles you can make her smile or frown oh yeah like that's you ever done the one on Australian $5 note

where you can make fold the queen in a certain way that looks like a whale sucking a dick yeah it's a great one that sounds

that sounds like a lie to people that don't believe that google that just Australian note whale sucking its own dick yeah it does exist

every Sunday your dad goes to church and prays that a priest will rape him. He just finished watching the movie Spotlight. Great movie. Just a little plug. Yeah.

Your dad thinks the French language is transphobic because it misgenders things, and he has a book on it called Chairs Are Men Too. Oh, God. I think I'm running out. Your dad is always licking Nutella off his fingers, but I've never seen him near a jar of Nutella. I'm out of here. I'm done, yes. Oh, well, thank you very much for coming on the podcast.

That was a great one. Thanks for having me. All right, bye, nerds. Bye, bitch.