Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.36 2 Woke Cucks 2 Furious

Episode Date: April 20, 2018

An instant sequal from the wokest of cucks, Cameron James and Daniel Sloss with a spectacular difficult second album. Unlike 9/11 which had 16 underwhelming sequels, non of which featured The Rock. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Ah, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

Good morning, and you are back on Two Woke Cucks with me. Two Woke Cucks. Me, Cuck Rogers. And me, Cuck David. And we've been cucking. We've been cucking. I've been cucking, not most of my life yet, but I've been cucking for a fair bit. You know, when did you start cucking?

Well, no, my first question was when did you become woke? Oh. Do you remember the day? We all remember the day we became woke. It's like 9-11. It's where we are. Everyone remembers where they were when they got woke. Well, weirdly, I got woke on 9-11.

Yeah. But only about three years ago. Oh, so not the 9-11. Not the 9- I got woke on 9-11. Yeah. Yeah. But only about three years ago. Oh, so not the 9-11. Not the 9-11. Not the 9-11. 9-11 2015.

Yeah. Way less before. But my 20th birthday, thank you for remembering. When did you first get woke? When? I didn't,

I mean, I could say on my 11th birthday because that was OG 9-11. Like original. And you know what? Sequels, not as entertaining.

It's good. They're just not. Every September 11th, every year, I'm like, on the 10th year anniversary, I'm like, they've got to do something. It's the 10 year anniversary. Who is honestly doing the marketing

for ISIS and al-Qaeda like you've got the day they do come on like if if there was some sentence like okay it's like auntie donna put out something every week and that's crazy about content is that they are just on it week after week if you were isis surely you would think how am i going to stay in the public's you know do they even have Twitter? They definitely don't have Twitter. If I was in ISIS... They may have Snapchat. They may.

But it takes way longer than 10 seconds to behead someone. But it's also like, with the bunny ears on it's like when you shoot them, they scream and a rainbow comes out their mouth. ISIS. Yeah, those ISIS Snapchat films.

They are pretty sick. They are pretty sick. And sick. Both types of sick. Six squares. Both types. Remember when, because 9-11, it was. Which one?

OG? OG. OG 9-11. And then they had, after 9-11, they followed that up with London bombings. Yeah. Pretty short. Like most sequels. Just.

Not as good. Yeah. It was good. Then Bali bombings. Remember Bali bombings? Not as good again. Ice, yeah, Ice is, all these terrorists. Those are all like the Fast and the Furious movies.

Exactly. Which is why I'm excited. Because, like, what is the Ice's version of The Rock? Like, when they bring him in Yeah they need to I can't wait till five when they bring in The Rock and they get back

some of the original cast members Yeah and Osama comes back Yeah yeah Yeah but it's like the Justice League Yeah They had to

because he wasn't killed and he was just you know reset somewhere else they've got to CGI on his beard They put the beard on because he won't grow it. Yeah, he won't do it.

He's like, different me. I'm on to a different role now. Yeah. I'm now just, honestly, I'm just running a cafe. Yeah, it's real. It's real halal. It's real halal shit. Yeah, it's real halal shit.

Yeah. This is good. We've started strong. Oh, yeah. When did I become woke when it would become woke yeah well i mean you know i think it was the first time i had a finger in my ass yeah yeah that wasn't mine yeah when was the first time you had one that was yours first time well first time i think in my own hands yeah i honestly don't think i've ever figured my own answer. I've never done it. I've definitely danced around the rim.

Yeah, I have. I'll scratch. I'll scratch and sniff. I'll scratch. I'll go, I should just do this. Yeah. I'll do the, you know, like new parents with babies always do like the sniff test. I'll occasionally do that to see if I need to re-wipe.

Yeah. You know, you just go, do I need to, you know, that's. There's nothing like that new ass sniff. Yeah. you know when you just go do I need to yeah no that's nothing like that new arse smell yeah I've got the I've actually got a plank tree on a low elastic band and it is

it's the new arse smell really just keep it fresh I need to get my hands on some of that stuff do you ever have those moments where and this is a

I reckon this is very relatable and I wonder if anyone's ever spoken about it on stage before how fucking great is it right when you are at a friend's house and they've just they've just they've got kids and you go for a shit and they

go wet wipes do you like it do you like that wet feeling on your oh no it's just what because i figured that's when it's the cleanest yeah like it's as i said in the last episode i i i shave my ass off i like it clean actually i like all of Yeah, of course. But I just feel like if you've got fucking hair on your arsehole, like it's like when you just try and, if you've got hair on your arsehole

and all you're doing is like wiping with paper, that's like dry brushing red wine at the carpet. And that's what I do. Yeah? Yeah. I actually pour red wine

on my arsehole after I do shit. And then just put baking soda on it and let it sit for a bit. Just so you have an excuse to shove a bottle of white wine up your ass. It's going to be like, whoopsie.

Oh no. Oh, I did it again. Oh, I'm a baby. Cam Jam. Thank you, ma'am.

So, okay. You, you, I love it. I think it's a good one. Yeah. I always want to marry someone.

Can I say something as well you don't need to go around to a friend with kids house you can buy wet wipes yeah but you know treat yourself yeah because if you're doing well if you don't treat yourself but also that'd be a weird thing if you brought a girl over and there's this wet wipe i would i would always worry that she would take that as wipe your pussy bitch yeah I would worry that if like

I had wet wipes because I live alone this time so if I'm bringing her back if I've got wet wipes out there in my head what she's thinking

it's just like I've just been like this is so regular I'm like I don't look bitches love wet wipes you got wet wipes and name tags

next to this but not for her name just to label the parts of her body bitches love wet wipes. You got wet wipes and name tags next to this one. But not for her name, just to label the parts of her body. I can't wait to eat your vagina. You are dyslexic.

Imagine every time you were surprised by the vagina. Every time you were like, whoa, okay. Oh, this is new. Interesting. interesting all right i'll give it a go look i try new things i'll try you know don't knock it till you've tried it do i knock it and then you're not gonna pursue hello that's the secret maybe that was in the book sorry this is

a deep cut to last last episode previously on two old cucks now um so you read a book about eating pussy I did yeah twice excellent back to the future which is a great movie great movie

so what's he up to you know the history has been a little shaky there it is come on that's too obvious

and also the rule is if you ever make do you hear this rule that he came up with Michael J Fox he's like don't mind if you ever make jokes about my Parkinson's but the rule is if you ever make, do you hear this rule that he came up with, Michael J. Fox? He's like, don't mind if you ever make jokes about my Parkinson's, but the rule is every time you do, you've got to donate money to the Parkinson's Foundation. And I'm like, that is a fucking, that's the best way of dealing with fucking, you're like, look, you're not going to make the fucking jokes.

Yeah. They're shit jokes, but if you're going to do it the rule is I've acknowledged them donate money to charity that's pretty good it's pretty fucking good I'm not going to donate you have to I don't know you have to

I actually should I really have watched a lot of Michael J. Fox in my time I've seen those movies probably more than any other yeah but what else

did he do apart I know he was in Scrubs because I love Scrubs and despite what anyone says great show and aged well I'll have you know. Great show. I haven't watched it since, but I'm sure it's aged well.

Look, it's silly and it's fun, and then they have those real brutal moments in Scrubs where they just punch your heart in the dick. Man, that's beautiful stuff. Yeah. He also, he was in a show called Family Ties. I didn't see it very was he the time he was family some other shit movies I don't know but I still love him yeah I know was that show you did spin sit oh yes yeah yeah so there

you go maybe we should donate I mean he's been around oh yeah I've watched enough of this stuff that I feel like but also I've definitely also made enough fuckers and jokes about Michael J. Fox so now

I'm going to step back to the riff originally I'm going back to the riff now which is also a great movie starring us yeah yeah

so you are just now at dark brain and I might reply Marty we have to go back to the riff it's your kids they can Marty we have to go back to the riff it's your kids they can't riff

we gotta go back you gotta show them how it's done finish the previous riff otherwise it's just two men talking it doesn't have a finish it's not done Marty

and then we just do 88 shit jokes in a minute and then we're back to the riff good riff jokes in a minute and then we're back to the riff. Good riff! Even while riffing about riffing, guess what bitch? I'm riffing! I'm riffing!

If I was in Harry Potter they'd put me in riffendoor. I honestly can't remember what the original riff was. Oh, we're talking about 9-11. Yeah, yeah. OG 9-11. Yeah, OG 9-11. OG 9-11. You were 11? Yeah.

What happened that day? Oh, wow. I mean, in the world. Well, 9-11. Yeah. What happened to you? You said you'd never forget. You bought the bumper sticker and you just forgot. The one on the 9-11.

Don't forget. 9-11 is the opposite of Fight Club. That's true. Always talk about it. The first rule of 9-11. Yeah. Always talk about 9-11. Tell everyone where you were.

Never forget. Unlike Fight Club, which I now have to donate to Fight Club. Yeah. Because the rule is if you break rule one, you have to donate. Like, we acknowledge it. And I do subscribe to the Fight Club Patreon, and it's really good shit. You get the fights. You get the fights.

You get merch. Yeah, and word on the old grapevine, Conor McGregor on his way there soon. I think they might have just signed him. So, on OG 9-11. You were 11 years old. I honestly didn't find out about 9-11 until 9-15. Three years later. No, 9-15. AM.

No, no. The day. It's on 9-11. Hang on a second. I didn't find out for four days. You didn't know about it for four days. I didn't know 9-11 happened for four days. 11-year-old slots.

Just riffing, man. Yeah. You always riff. So when I was 10 years old I was in primary 7 which is like our last year before you go to high school so there was a thing 5 years ago I related to this

where there was a week long trip where the kids went to a place called Ardroy it was somewhere in Scotland but like all the boys in one dorm, all the girls in one dorm you did rock climbing and like abseiling and you learned how to read fucking maps

and it was five days away from your parents where they could just fucking rail each other just real and I know that's what my parents were doing because nine months

after our draw my brother was born of course and I don't know if that's true but I'm going to check because it's the first time I've said that

Matthew I know you're listening to this my brother Matthew I know you're listening to this podcast can you genuinely find out

if your birthday is nine months after our draw if so my parents fucked on my birthday Matthew I have another task for you

can you actually find out what position they were fucking in the day of conception and then just get back to me I guess on Twitter

at Iron Camera James or come see my show every day in Melbourne. That's what you plug? You bring it in so tightly. It's like commercial radio. 7 o'clock, great set-up. Weather is fine and sunny here in Melbourne.

This episode of Two Woke Cocks does contain product placement. See if you can find out why. So we go to this fucking thing called Ardroit. Now 9-11 was on a Tuesday. And my parents, everyone knew it was going to be my birthday on the Tuesday when we were out there. So we get there on Monday, go through the night, I wake up on a Tuesday,

my parents have packed me some presents, opened them up for my friends, the teachers at breakfast, everyone sings happy birthday. Then we go rock climbing and then, I can't remember exactly what time it was but whatever, you know it must have been about 2 2 in the afternoon or something like that

we're all in the bus on the way back from fucking rock climbing and the teachers literally start up and go, everyone be quiet and they turn up the radio but because we were fucking 10 we're all like, what are the teachers talking about why have we were fucking 10, we were all like, what did the teachers talk about? Why have they told us

that we're all whispering to each other? And none of us are listening to the radio that they've just turned up. So there's 20. So if we just shut the fuck up, what is it? You would have known

about the most significant event in the 20th century. Okay. I'll get into this in a bit, but if it happened. All right. Let's get back to that. I'm going to put a pin in that. I'm going to get back to that that I'm going to put a pin in that

I'm going to get back to that finish your story so we and then just at the lessons radio we'd never find out what was going on and they're like

the teachers obviously they're like do we tell them or do the parents tell them it must have been a fucking shit day for them because they're like is it my job

to but also the drama. I know. Imagine being one of those teachers and having that chat. Should we tell them, oh my God, I don't think we should.

No, let's do it. It's our responsibility. And that's what they remember because everyone remembers where they were. Yeah. Of course. Yeah.

I remember where I was. I was mid-stroke. But anyway, let's get back to you. Let's get back to you. He's just calling it and do it. You're a Samobin lad.

All right. Okay. So you're on the bus. You don't find it. You're too busy whispering, chit-chatting. And then four days later, how does it come up? So four days later, I get up. My parents have got my, you know, presents that didn't fit in my tiny little fucking suitcase.

So they give me some little ones. And you go, you know what my real present should be? Let's go to the World Trade Center. And they were like good! Pulling their collars just, oh boy! And it cuts to a break and just like it's the halftime break of our sitcom. Mom, can

we go to the World Trade Center? Whoa! Oh! Oh, Daniel! So I get back and my parents were just like, they were like, it's present. They're exhausted from fucking first. It was all knackered. Yeah. I am just sleeping on piles of pregnancy tests.

It's true. Like, just, yeah. Just everything in the washing machine is a dildo. Because they never expected me to load it but i'm just like i've not seen them i've matured on this trip yeah i'm gonna load the dishwasher they cook me a dinner i'm sure it don't like why do you need so many and what's the triple ended dildo before oh oh so yeah i get back I get back and they're just like

just so you know some shit went down and I was like what so they it's on the news still

did they ask you like hey did you know did you hear about 9-11 well they sat me down right quite seriously they sat me down and they went

before we get into this just don't mind to us what the fuck did you wish for what do you because choose

and I was like because I know what you like Daniel yeah I know you get really angry at finance and stock you've never asked me this question before

why would you bring it up and they're just being like what did you fucking wish for? And I was like, just fucking a whole bunch of conspiracy theories, please. Something to get me through my twenties. Yeah,

something to get me through my twenties. No, I, a bunch of YouTube documentaries. My favorite thing to do is to, is, is, is to always say F when everyone talks about 9-11.

Yeah. Because it, yeah it so happened. I think that's the violation of what it is. That's why it's funny. To your talking about it in the same way that people talk about the Holocaust, where people go, oh, but there are no records, blah, blah, blah.

There are records of 9-11. There's video. There's records of everything. This is an awful thing to happen. And I find the people that don't believe that they happen, I find it's genuine. It's one of the biggest things that I go,

that isn't his opinion. It's genuinely offensive. Yes. But because that opinion is offensive, therefore I find it funny because it's so gross. So as a joke, I'll always say it everywhere. But when Jamie, when I was about fucking 13, 14, because every day on my birthday,

every day on my birthday, every day on my birthday, fucking 9-11 documentaries. That's all my birthday is on television. And it's still

to this day. It's just 9-11 documentaries. For you. I know. That's the real consequence.

The reason I hate ISIS, they've done a lot of bad shit, but minute silences on my birthday can get fucked during happy birthday

that's why I was glad when I was celebrating I was like minute silence now bitch the real celebration so they asked you told me about it and I watched the news

obviously when I grew up I watched the news and then for the it was obviously when I grew up watching all the documentaries and stuff I was like oh Jesus okay

I didn't know you know the more you develop fucking empathy you're like this is the worst but then YouTube fucking came out

and I just I was like I was finding it really fascinating I went online and I watched a couple YouTube videos and just I was like I was finding it really fascinating I went online and I watched a couple YouTube videos and just

I was went downstairs like four hours later I went to my dad and I was like dad you know 9-11 could have been

an inside job and I remember so vividly my dad shut his book right and he got up and he went follow me and he took me through

my mum's study my mum's home and he locked the door and he sat me in a chair and he went tell me everything you think you've just learned. And I'm going to fucking prove every single word. Because I'm not allowing you to have that opinion.

That's really cool that he did that. I was just. Because I think if I did that to my dad, he probably would have gone, interesting. Okay. Yeah. My dad. What? Okay.

Tell me about it. Yeah. Just, okay. yeah my dad uh what what okay my dad tell me about it yeah just okay and then just and then the the next scene of the sitcom is your dad going through to your mom being like yeah guess what well he's and then he reveals just uh a board on the wall with this string tying all these pictures yeah that's what it would be my dad would definitely vote for it if I told him. My dad's too, I love my dad, but he's far too, he's so logical. He's so,

if it's not a fact, if it's not, why would you, it doesn't matter. you have to, there's right and wrong. Nothing's great. When I was fucking seven,

I remember going over to my grandparents in the north of Scotland and it's, we have north, so we go past Loch Ness and I was like I went to the visitor centre

in Loch Ness I'm seven eight years old and I'm like oh fuck I want to go to Loch Ness and on the way home I'm looking

looking for Nessie looking for Nessie didn't realise he was between my pants the whole time hey the sloth's nest monster um

uh and I was looking out there and my dad I'm seven I'm not I'm and I was looking out there and my dad I'm seven I'm not annoying him

I'm looking out of the window and he goes are you looking for Nessie I'm like yeah he's like does it exist

and I was like what and he goes the amount of fish that an animal that size would need to eat

every day to exist within the confines and just logically explained Nessie out of my head and I was like fucking great

I could use that in my life when I'm 20 I could use that at 7 I think I could use that because my dad at one point a few years ago sent me one of those YouTube documentaries about the JFK assassination just he's that

guy like he'll just be like out of nowhere send me an email going, hey, check this out. There's some interesting shit in this, man. And the next time I see him, he's like, did you read about the three tramps? There were three tramps spotted near the grassy knoll. Apparently they were FBI. And my dad's a smart guy. He's an engineer.

Like he's a, he designs fucking all sorts of shit for civil engineering. Cam of what type of angle? Yeah, he's... What type of fucking angle? The bullet could not

ricochet off this and then cause the brain to go out that way. I'm sorry, but there were at least four gunmen there that day. Did you watch the Queen is a Lizard videos?

Cam, Cam. I swear to God. It's not that far off. I reckon if he went a little deeper down the rabbit hole, he would come up and be going like, all right, so he controlled explosions. It's, you know, like planned demolition. They saw the steel beams in harm.

I reckon he would go down in harm. I reckon he would go down that way. I reckon if my dad met a flat earther, my dad is a very, very compassionate, he's very fat, he's a lovely man, so compassionate. I reckon if my dad met a flat earther, he wouldn't kill him, but he

would watch him die and do nothing. Because that person is no longer a person to my father. I wonder about that flat earth shit. I always wonder if it's, how much of it is just a meme at the moment? That's, so, I think it absolutely started as a meme.

I think the flat earth thing, absolutely. But in this, the exact same thing happened with Scientology. Flat earth it's the new Scientology. Some guy made, fucking everyone Hubbard made up a religion as a joke to prove that he could make money at religion

and then he died before he could reveal the fucking punchline that was in Scientology that I really believe Flat Earth started as a fucking meme because we parody

everything on the internet of course and then it became popular and then people who made it up left and then everyone else got behind it and there's just these fucking people yeah it's oh i don't i don't think i could meet one because

i would get i can't handle people i would ask every question you could possibly ask them i love hearing people's thoughts on the world when it's so far away from mine. If I sat down with a flat earther, I don't think I would ever argue them because it's so much more fun to let them just say the outlandish shit that then you get to tell your friends. You'd Louis Theroux them. I'd Louis Theroux them.

I'd go, but why is yours flat? Tell me how the planes, how come, if planes can go around the Earth, why don't they go into space do you think in Pearl Harbor

they flew from Japan to Hawaii across all of Russia all of Africa the whole Pacific or do you reckon

they went the short way the long way oh yeah okay I'd actually love to know what a flat earth would say to that exact theory

what would they say to that I would just get furious I would just because for me that's not a question for me like that's

that's not a question you have to go this this is not possible but whenever you I don't fucking know I just

why don't we actually start a new podcast where we go and interview the purest fuckingheads in the world? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and that's two woke cucks making the unwoke. Yeah, yeah. Unwoken.

No, woken, I guess. Woken, yeah. Woken. But are we Christopher Woken? Yes, of course we are. That's actually when I became woke. Sorry to go back to the previous one. No, no, no.

We've got to go back that way. I think the first time I ever watched Click. Oh. I mean, walking. He's playing the angel of death in that movie. That's my theory. You think for a bit he's playing God. Yeah.

Classic switcheroo. Then you realize it's probably Beelzebub himself do you know I genuinely cried at the movie clip everyone did come on no

I'm so glad you said that and it's my argument is weakened by the fact that this episode is going to be

called some version of Two Woke Cuts yeah and then some right wing people are going to see the podcast Two Woke Cuts

not realise it's a joke cut that fucking clip for it and then we become the new flat earth realise it's a joke cut that fucking clip for it and then we become the new flat earth people think people think we're that fucking stupid

it's like that of course of course um what was I saying click oh yeah of course

like because it's just a stupid Adam Sandler movie yeah it's a stupid Adam Sandler movie dude he gets up and farts in David Hasselhoff's face punches him for six minutes

farts his face farts his face and then they go back to the unfreeze time and David Hasselhoff's face. Punches him for six minutes, farts his face. Farts his face. And then they go back to the unfreeze time and David Hasselhoff's like, oh, oh. And I was a kid when I watched that. Fucking laughed at it. It's just stupid. It's Adam Sandler being Adam Sandler. And then there's that fucking scene where he's skipped all of his kids growing up.

He's lost his wife. He's got cancer. His son just got married and is now prioritizing work. So his son's following in his footsteps. And he dies in the middle of the fucking street chasing his son down to tell him not to make the same mistake he did. And his ex-wife is there. And his kids. Oh yeah.

And it's a fucking Adam Sandler movie. That's the moment I realized Adam Sandler may be a genius. It is. It's if he fucking fucking did. Do you know what also wasn't another bad Adam Sandler movie? What's the name of the film?

You can say any Adam Sandler movie right now and you realize I'm on board. Oh really? I love it. I love that. I think Happy Gilmore was super. I love everything

he's ever done. That can't be true. That can't be true. Maybe there's a few I don't. I swear to God every year I say out loud Adam

Sandler will win an Oscar this year. And I think we're getting closer to it. The last movie he was in was incredible. Which one? The Myrowitz story. It's on Netflix. It's a drama. He's incredible. and I think we're getting closer to it the last movie he was in was incredible which one

the Meyerowitz stories on Netflix it's a drama he's incredible the other one I was going to mention was

The Cobbler I actually didn't see that one it wasn't awful which shows how far

Adam Sandler still has to go before that Oscar it's not awful it's not fuck off two years watch's not don't fuck off two years

watch the Marowitz stories and tell me this guy won't get an Oscar he's incredible you know what genuinely this will be fucking interesting

just on the podcast because this is such an outlandish fucking opinion I genuinely come on no no it's so left

no I'm saying it could be a good thing but your logic is sound. You're saying, because comedy actors, they're comedy, they go into more serious stuff, the older they get,

and despite how fucking shit some comedians can be, he's going to have 45 years acting experience at some point. Yeah. It's going to count towards something. Yeah. He's showing a slow progression.

It could be possible that within the next few years, so what I'm saying to the fucking podcast listeners is, let's all stick a tenner down now. Let's make this fucking callback to the fucking Michael J.

Fox thing. We've made a joke about Adam Sandler winning an Oscar and now we have to put a bet on it. I'm willing to put down a hundred bucks. Two years time. I'll do we'll do this

after the podcast and everyone else get on it you don't have to go to 100 just do a fucking 10 because

do a you're comfortable losing because let's be honest if it fucking happens right maybe go next

five years are you confident in two I have said five in the past I jumped to two to get a reaction let's go five

let's all let's all go to two to get a reaction. Let's go five. Let's all go to a better website. And let's fucking go, what odds will you give me for Adam Sandler winning an Oscar? Because they're going to be fucking insane. Can we actually put this on a betting website? Well, I think you have to go in. For these type of bets, you have to go into the store. Or you can tweet them. You can tweet Paddy Power.

Somebody tweet Paddy Power somebody tweet Paddy Power and go what odds will you give me for Adam Sandler winning an Oscar and then if we all do it because if he doesn't win who gives a shit we'll all have forgotten about this in four years but if in four fucking years

if in four fucking years this movie you're talking about got him a better role in four years we've all forgotten about this bet we're watching it and we go, Jesus Christ,

Adam Sandler winning an Oscar. This is as weird as the time I saw Trump being fucking president. And then every one of us will just have a fucking back to the future

no fucking way. We could all win. I reckon it's at least ten to one. It's ten to one. It's got to be more than that. I think we're on the cutting edge of something here because it won't be a major, it's not it's 10 to 1 it's gonna be more than that i think we're on the cutting

edge of something here because uh it won't be a major it's not gonna be the best actor he'll win best supporting actor and he'll be um playing someone's dad in something or some some dramatic like ray romano in uh the big sick last year it's that type of role that it'll be yeah yeah yeah yeah okay and rom, by the way, I don't think he's far off getting an Oscar, right? To Captain James! Fucking!

Okay, maybe I'm pushing it now. But he was very good in that movie. Oh, I mean, you're fucking... I'm pushing it. I'm pushing it. You know what?

Fucking Amy Schumer. Chappelle! Yeah, yeah. Actually, he could. He might write something. Amy Schumer. Chappelle. Actually, he could. He might write something. We never know. Fucking,

I, shit, it's the Oscars. Anyone can win anything. It gives a shit. You and I could be up for an Oscar in five years. Don't put money down on that shit. Absolutely.

Two white cucks live. Oh, oh, you know what? In 10 years, it's, it's what it is, is it's the podcast Oscar.

Oh, of course. It will be. Cause that's going to come in within the next five years. And then it's all, it's what it is it's the podcast Oscar oh of course they will be because that's going to come in within the next five years and then it's it's naturally us

yeah of course and people will sit there and they'll be like no there'll be a podcast equivalent to the Oscars it won't be the Oscars because

it's not to do with movie and to them I say fuck up yeah fuck up losers Donald Trump is president like fucking

anything can happen in America. There are no rules. Anything. Anyone can be anything. Do you think you could be president? Of America? Mm.

Um, I mean, like, it, it, not, no, because I'm not from America.

But the rules could change. The rules could change. I reckon I could. Like, I reckon. It depends. I reckon always hopefully we go from

this fucking change of fucking fake news where everyone lies I hope what happens after this in society is that we all

just go back to just being brutally fucking honest like I hope the fact that we're all lying everyone's lying it's such a fucking Facebook is lying

we're all lying constantly I hope that the juxtaposition of this is we fucking swing back and we're all brutally honest under those circumstances if we do get to that stage where it's just politicians like, yeah I fucking did blow when I was 22, who gives a shit about it, but then I started politics

from then on and I'm going to fucking ambassador blah blah blah, instead of just lying outright, in those situations absolutely, I reckon I could run for Prime Minister in the UK, if it still exists in those situations, absolutely. I reckon I could run for prime minister in the UK if it still exists in 50 years.

Big if. And just be like, if it's that title, be like, look, I spoke shit for years. I've learned a lot when I was 35.

My two children died in my arms and I changed it. I'm expecting a big seven years. I can't wait for that to happen. How the fuck is that going seven years. I can't wait for that to happen. How the fuck is that going to happen?

9-11 too. This time it's personal. Oh my god. They die in your arms. They die in my arms. I catch them. You never forget me. You never forget your dreams about it.

I'm in the cockpit. Okay. And I'm like, two-minute silence on my birthday, and I fly it into Al Qaeda. That's what the sequel is. Oh, shit, Al Qaeda get their own tower. The Al Qaeda tower. They have a great seven years.

Oh, again, look, seven years oh again look I reckon honestly next ten years I reckon Al-Qaeda could win an Oscar okay let's put money down on that

let's put money down on that I'm willing to put a hundred dollars down Al-Qaeda winning an Oscar best terrorist still I mean they're gonna get

they'll at least get a lifetime achievement that is a joke but they might win one in the sense that I reckon in the sense that I reckon in the next 10 years there will be another movie

because it'll be like the 20 year anniversary there'll be another movie obviously based around 9-11 and that movie could win an Oscar that could happen

do you know what I think it would be it would be of a young a young man who joins Al-Qaeda and we follow his journey and he becomes one of the suicide pilots and you know what that's a meaty role i would love to go for that role i'm willing to brown up for

that you know what generally that could also be a fucking thing that happens like if they do it like because they're whitewashing so much now it's like there was some light tans just give them but then again you know what this is a woke cut conversation yeah in that situation i imagine a lot of like if you're not white you're sick of being cast as a fucking terrorist oh because there are so many there's so many great uh actors nowadays that like uh i literally can't name an example because i'm high but like that when you look at their bike, how long it's just, they've just been terrorists.

I know. That's what that whole thing was about. That whole episode is all about him saying that he only ever gets to go for taxi drivers, seven 11 terrorists. That's it. Yeah. Which is real fucking shit. So do you reckon like in,

in, in fucking by the time Al Qaeda wins an Oscar for the inevitable movie maybe it won't exist maybe it will maybe it will get to the point where just all brown actors are like

I'm not doing it anymore yeah maybe it'll be subversive to cast only white actors as only maybe that's it and and it's a big statement

people go we didn't cast a single brown person in this movie no no we didn't as okay yeah what we did is all the firemen, because obviously they were...

The firemen? All the firemen were all... Well, not all of them, but a lot of them were people of color. To me, that's the woke thing to do. That's going to be the woke thing. You know what? You know what? As two woke cucks, that's what the next 9-11 movie has to be.

All of the brown actors play all the firemen, and then you just saw... You've got Bradley Cooper, lead terrorist. Yeah, Liam Neeson liam neeson and uh you know what amy schumer fucking let's get her that oscar i want to get this bet coming sam law sam was up there zach efron this is actually a good car yeah yeah i'm progressive because amy schumer and zach efron uh and he's you know what is what well he's just what is he is he something I just assumed he was one of them I assumed he was something

I mean he dances the guy dances a lot he's gotta be something he's gotta be something this is good because we're we're simultaneously woke cucks

and maybe the least unworked people in the world which is but on both sides of the things i don't know like i've said i like i don't know where the performance ends because this was sometimes when a lot of the time i say awful awful fucking things i'm just saying it because it's like in my head i'm like i'm either panicking myself or i'm just wouldn't it be stupid if I had this opinion? Of course. And it's not a smart joke.

I'm not claiming it's a smart joke. But in my social life, all the jokes I'll make is I'll just say the worst thing. Because the joke is, wouldn't it be funny if I thought this stupid thing? Yeah. But then sometimes you do say something and you go, I didn't believe a bit of that. But on the other side of things, whenever we do two woke two walk cuts there's some points i'll make a really just when i'm trying to take the piss out of people who are far too yeah progressive i'll say something i'll go you know what that's actually a very good opinion and i'm gonna put that in my fucking standard well i think that every time i

tweet something that's clearly ironic i'll always go well that's like maybe 60 percent how i feel and i'll just amp it up a little bit. I've just rolled my eyes just a bit. That's the only way that I've changed it. That's the problem with irony. I think irony will end up being the death of our generation in the end. No one will be having a sincere conversation. But that's what I honestly, I really think in the next 20 years,

we're going to see a fucking shift from fucking lying all the time. We're all going to be, we're going to give me a point where we're going, none of us know what any of us are saying. You're either lying or you're being sarcastic or you're being sarcastic about lying or you're lying about being sarcastic. And none of us are like, just how many of all the languages have joined together.

We're all speaking one language, but not a single person is speaking the same language it all has this tone yeah even news reporters so today two women

were murdered outside of parliament if you know what I mean. And everyone's like, what? How is this the news? What happened? I honestly

think that could happen, man. We're a crazy generation. I don't know. I've had people, like even you've said to me a couple of times, do you really have a wife? This is my favourite one one because you have allegedly. Yeah, apparently I'm married. Yeah, yeah.

I go to my dad. I go, hey, dad, apparently Cameron James is married and he shuts his book. He takes me to my mom's house. Tell me everything you think you know and I will disprove it. So you've allegedly married for two years two years

so I've known you for two years it's only been a year I think last year in Brisbane

just a year so Brisbane happy anniversary by the way thank you so yeah so we met

there but obviously got on hung out during this festival chatted online the whole time so yeah so we met there but obviously got on hung out during this festival presented to chat online the whole time um that's yeah you were married by then yeah oh yeah and in that time i've not met your wife and we were we were in canberra together it was the first time

i'd seen you in a year and you were like um with my wife and i turn up there and she's not there i've never seen a i've never seen a photo of your wife. And I'm at a point now where I kind of refuse to show you one. Absolutely. But when we got together, my favourite uncle joke that you've just now done, I'm like is your wife here? You're like, yeah, she's here. She's not around. I think so. She's just everywhere.

She's somewhere. I just saw her. Anyway, how have you been? Yeah. And I do give you kudos and credit for bringing her up on a podcast to try and convince me again. It's now going beyond me. Not only trying to convince me the other way. You're trying to convince all of the people on the podcast. No, no, no, no.

I do. I do. I do. Yeah. What's her name? Don't worry. What's? Don't worry about it.

What's her name? What are you? Do you want another drink? I might get another quick. I mean, the bottle's just there. What's your wife's name? Yeah. I'll grab it.

Did she take your second name? Let me I'll grab it. Did she take your second name? Let me tell you something about... Marriage. Yeah. So marriage is... Sorry, I'm just

topping up my glasses. Marriage is easy. Yeah. It's just... You know each other, you love each other. So you know your wife? Yeah.

Yeah, so... Where'd she grow up? Australia, man. Yeah, so where'd she grow up? Australia, man. Yeah, where'd you play? Where have you been? Where have you travelled? Well, you're here. Where do you go when you're in there?

Brisbane. Not there. Not there. Not there. I'll swear. Yeah, that's a conspiracy theory that maybe i've i enjoy the mystery absolutely absolutely absolutely but maybe i don't have a wife maybe i'm just celibate yeah or maybe i have the i wear the ring just to like yeah what is the thing like is you just go how do you know how

who any of your friends really are or how good are they at fucking lying i know because there's a friend because you can be real smart and this could evolve in a fucking play where you're just like yeah i'm you're so superior intelligence where you're just gonna claim this character just to and convince me the other wife because my our friend uh mark from auntie donna his his girlfriend naomi she thought that every time either the posted about my wife on Facebook or Twitter, it's been a character. And so she just for years has assumed that I have a fake wife to be funny,

to be ironic. And then when she met Alex, she, Naomi lost her mind. She just thought it was a next level. What actually happened was Naomi was mysteriously found dead

in a ditch when she got too close to the truth I hope you know in Melbourne there's a bunch of Camp James's

marriage truthers and it's me and Naomi we'll walk around and we have the same silence as the 9-11 truthers have

we go around going two people can't be wrong Cameron's dick can't satisfy any woman and on that note

perfect shall we move on to Margo's I don't know again I don't know how fucking long this has been just having fun

with friends why would you time it why would you time fun with friends the people listening to the podcast will be

like this should answer and they're off cucks um so my first one and I've got an example for this as well

okay so muggles fabricate absolute fucking lies about their kids and what they've said to like virtual signal themselves.

Yeah, I don't know if you, I have an example. There we go. Give me an example. So, it's a common thing in my experience.

Like, oh my God, I was with my kid the other day and I was talking to them about this, whatever, and they come up

with an Atlantic example back then. Here you go. This is what I saw on Twitter. That queer eye from the straight guy. Great show, I must add. I love love it i genuinely love it me too yes i'm not being ironically yeah episode one cried episode two didn't cry oh episode two is the guy with the beard big guy old guy cried then obviously because when he cried yeah a grown man crying is my fucking jam

me too that's the only thing that gets me going it really gets me going anything's sad because I'm just like you're my dad and my dad is sad yeah

episode two is the Indian guy I did cry in that one just when he he gave a genuine speech at the end cried in that yeah

I didn't cry in the comedian one oh right I'll get to that in a second there we go the third one the gay guy the gay queer one, the gay guy, the queer eye for the gay guy, bald.

Unconsolable, real, real bald. He comes out, doesn't he? Comes out to his fucking stepmom. Yeah, yep, yep, yep, yep. And then after that, the episode's dropped off. The first three were astonishingly good, right?

The last three, four was fine. It was that religious guy in the fucking little... I didn't mind him. He was fine it was that religious guy the fucking little I didn't mind him he was fine he gave a nice

speech there was a fireman one which was yeah and then there was a fucking stand up one

the second I saw that stand up I went you are not going to be funny the second I saw him I'm

like you're not funny he's on queer eyes no no the comedians that I know that have done

plenty of fucking who was the one that went into the jungle this year for you guys Fiona

Joel Dormant did I'm a celebrity in the UK Joel Dormant is a genuinely funny fucking comedian

so whenever I'm like fuck it comedians if you're not sure I'm going to assume you're funny never heard of this guy

just knew he was going to be fucking good I know he didn't cry and he was doing bits the whole time who's your favorite?

Obviously the hairdresser guy. I know. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Jonathan. Of course. He's the one that we want in our lives. Every day.

I want Jonathan. You know why I want Jonathan in my life? Because he says stuff like this. He'll go, okay, look, uh, I know I said I wasn't going to hit on you, but I've got to say you look fucking hot right now. And I need that in my life every single day fierce just constantly like he will give me he'll give me like little tips and stuff but while he's giving me he was like you should send me your hair but those shoes

exactly wow or he'll just be like yeah you need to change this blah blah but by the way your eyes are popping today and i'm like thank you jonathan i want that positive in my i cried it pretty much every time he was making someone over because i wanted that in my life i just want someone to tell me i'm ready every day mate let's get you on queer eye yeah season two what they could do i'm pretty much there no but like that's the fun journey like what a short episode they turn up and they're just like it's all good it's all good

let's hang the fact that you have a Game of Thrones throne made out of dildos I was not originally a fan of like especially it's just that one sticks out and I know that's to keep you in place

but it's like on the back like how are you sitting like what is up so it goes jonathan and then caramel yeah he's incredible i just want to be friends with him i do he's so cool i reckon like he would be the first word first one i told about my uh like if i broke up with someone yeah i realize how funny that conversation is since me and kai it's you obviously this is me and kai's podcast yeah your guests are

because we're away for a while elliot steel uh has been on the podcast constantly with kai uh and they're just they both do muay thai and they both talk very like elliot he's a fucking all right brother fucking legend prick love him dearly love him dearly with all my heart but he's a fucking thick cunt yeah so they're always talking about very very masculine things horrible like it's generally the polar opposite to this bit where we haven't

got to muggle they called it two old cucks and we've riffed on that for ages and now we're at a bit where we're genuinely ranking the queer

out of the three guys a favourite of the fab five like me and Kai's fans the fans of this podcast must be so confused like one week they're getting Elliot and Kai's fans the fans of this podcast must be so confused like one week they're getting

Elliot and Kai talking about how they hate fat people yeah right and now it's us being like and then

and then Tan because Anthony's hot yeah but Tan but can Anthony even cook I don't think so valid but would I chill

with that guy absolutely just yeah and he's just and then there's the other one bobby yeah i feel so sad because he's never in the company he's the best at his job yeah bobby his housemate lovers are the best yeah they're incredible yeah and he's actually quite fun i'm gonna take it back i like him a lot he's cool dude i like him all i'll fuck him all i don't care anyway we both love the show yeah queer i retweeted this today uh my nine-year-old niece and i taught this is just a fan my nine-year-old niece and i talked about queer eye and she asked me a lot about of the

a lot of the terms i explained to her what homophobia is and she told me oh i see if some people don't think gay people deserve respect and accept, then they don't deserve it either. I'm a proud auntie. And I'm like, none of that happened. Of course not. None of it happened. Of course it didn't happen. I'm not saying kids do not say profound things and funny things,

but that type of thing when it's like so, really, your nine-year year old said something that could fit into a tweet yeah like in what fucking world no way

have you spoken to a toddler it tells you in every it tells you their fucking name yeah I strike

all the time it's not if you said to you know if your nine year old said oh what's what's homophobia

mummy and you explain it to her she'd go oh okay how come spiders do why do they make said, oh, what's homophobia, mummy? And you explained it to her. She'd go, oh, okay. How come spiders do... Why do they make a silver... What's the web for?

Is it poo? Do they poo? And what's for dinner? And also, why are we watching this? I've seen another one which was some woman in America posted a picture of her kid facing

they're in Walmart and the kid is just facing the notice board and she just goes just looked around and thought I'd lost the toilet and I turned around and he was just at the poster board for missing children and asked what he was doing and he said he was praying for

them and you go no it's hungry for notifications it's hungry for notifications and also it's just it's not having notifications you are virtue signaling how good you are as a parent yeah yeah yeah everything my mom and dad say about me i know they're proud of me but most of the time they tell a story about me it's the time I was a fuckhead of course they're like do you remember when this fucking idiot shot himself

like was he a baby he absolutely was not like that's the stories they tell every time my mum goes

online it's on twitter to fucking attack one of my tweets or on facebook to talk about what a shit son of

and I love that because that's our relationship she's got no but these other ones that's because my mum are relationship she's got no problem but these other ones that's because my mum are closer to she knows her fight

but these other ones which is honestly I asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he said just give money to charity no he didn't

it didn't happen never no he said I want a gun and I want a big party a big party

two flags and different mum yeah a gun and I want to um a big party and um different mum I think Jamie and I have seen much of these I've seen a bunch of this shit and it always blows my mind because I can't believe that anyone thinks that we're buying it the amount of retweets you see

on this shit you see like tens of thousands of retweets on my son said this profound thing and he about like tens of thousands of retweets on my son said this profound thing and he's like four years old and i'm like who are the fucking morons out there in the world that think this is real oh and they do it's max it's max of like you realize you also realize how stupid the sound you are on like in the same way that i imagine whenever someone who's like slightly right wing like just leans right and see someone who is so horrifically right wing like it's fuck anyone that's not white it's women are fucking uh whores and object like that they

must look at that being like oh god like don't touch this and they're just like ah this is the symbol of some of me apparently because i believe right i get the exact same fucking whenever i see the fucking retweets of all this yeah this virtue signal stuff i'm like that's my teammates i know that's why i i have equally as much of a problem with the left as the right because i have slightly more of a problem with the right oh yeah okay okay okay right. Yeah, you're right. But I will shit on the left as much as I shit on the right because I think you're right.

You feel betrayed by your own team. And as comedians, our job is to kind of sit somewhere center so you're able to make fun of both sides. And the left cannot make fun of both sides yeah and when the and the left cannot make fun of themselves the far left they can't they don't see how it's even possible to make fun of because because to make fun of anything is an attack and all attacks are bad yes that's what the left thing

nothing should be joked about because that it affects someone somewhere. Yes, exactly. Like, it's you can't make that joke. I'm assuming you agree this is in Mugglecorn. That's absolutely Mugglecorn. That's everything I hate about the left. And why I get so cross at my own team a lot of the time. But then again, I do also imagine there are other left-wing people that get fucking real fucked off

but like could you come a bit further over like we know you're in the team of course but you've only turned up in the

t-shirt and you're not wearing the full strip you're only sitting sitting you're seeing the side come on the field

no it's more fun on the side yeah like do you not like no no I'm on your team baby I love you guys

you guys are great yeah yeah maybe we're like the the fucking like the boyfriend Do you not like, no, no, I'm on your team, baby. I love you guys. You guys are great. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe we're like the, the, the fucking, like the boyfriend of like the, uh,

female MMA fighter. Oh, like just like, it's probably maybe I love you so much. She's like, can you be a bit more supportive? Can you just back me? And I said,

I just find it weird. Like why do you want to be tougher than me? Yeah. I'm tough in my own way. Yeah. And she's like, that's literally none of what this fucking debate is about. Yeah, I'm tough psychologically. Yeah, yeah, great.

Maybe that's why I had you here. Yeah, I'm just saying. I'm just saying, dude. You don't come to my therapy. Yeah, you couldn't beat me in a fight. I mean, you could, but I wouldn't. Yeah, but only because I'd let you win. Yeah, because I love you so much that I'm back down.

Yeah, but if I did actually physically fight you, I'd kill you.'d kill you yeah but like why'd you have to bring that up because that's the conversation you've had that's an attack that you've put on me now wow great yeah i feel like we are like i'm definitely i'm definitely left but i do feel myself because i'm just like i'm not helping much no i i'm not we're all in the arts man like there's very few people right wing in the arts but but when you see them fucking hell do they stand up whatever people have a problem with me it's always like oh you made a joke about um me too or you made a joke about blah blah blah i'm like yeah but that's in its own way that's powerful isn't it to be able to laugh at it means you're able to move through it.

And also, you've also remembered, like, yeah, I've always said, like, I like talking about left-wing stuff in my show. But from that angle, because there's more likely to be sexists and racists in my show than there are to be in Shappi Kershandi's. It's very unlikely that either a sexist or a racist is going to turn up to a Shappi Kershandi gig. They should. She's an outstanding cop. She's fucking great. But there is a chance, because of me and the way

I look, that a racist or a homophobe or a sexist will turn up in turn it away and I'm like instead of I'm the only one they'll listen to yeah

yeah like these look these are fuckheads I agree with you they're fuckheads right they are they're bigots

I fucking hate them but you're never going to convince them otherwise no but then again I really feel that's actually arrogance on my part i'm like guys i'm what i accidentally just did there was

i literally just male feminist i literally just went don't worry ladies i've got this i'll talk to the other boys oh jesus but you know i'm that I thought that, but I'm glad I caught myself and I'm glad it was in the same fucking moment. I also, I think I'm going to back you on that original sentiment. Because you're right,

people who do feel a certain way about women are probably going to come to you because you're a white dude. So you may as well sneakily fucking sneak some shit in. The reason I say that is because it genuinely affected my views on things. I remember watching stand-up and then just venturing out into other stand-up.

Once I'd watched all my favourites and I wanted to watch more comedy. I remember Jim Jefferies is, I guess, a bad example. The first time I saw him was sort of attack religion. I grew up in a religious family. I was like oh that's a view that fucking speaks to me first time I saw

the likes of Catherine Ryan or Zoe Lyons or oh Sarah Millican I saw when I was 13 years old just being like

you've now changed my opinion through comedy towards this you know a lot of these things because you made it funny you made it funny

so I listened and I do think there is a bit of that comedy which is if i make these cunts laugh they have to listen to the whole thing yeah and i know for a fact comedy has changed my opinion on a lot of things yeah it's definitely listening me up to things for sure absolutely like i uh yeah i mean i remember the first time i ever heard a comedian do a joke about getting a finger up his arse. And I was like, not a chance. And now, can't get enough of the finger up. You love that up there? Not Lorde.

Let's circle back to that riff. So, you'll take a finger up the arse? I'll take a, I will take someone else's a bit up my arse. How much is a bit? How many knuckles? Oh, what finger? Let's say index. Oh, you a bit? How many knuckles? Oh, what finger? Uh, let's say index.

Oh, you know what? I could take three. You could go all the way up to the knuckle? Yeah. Up to the fist knuckle? Yeah.

Of the index? Yeah, but don't fucking jam. Like, don't, once you get to the third knuckle, don't fucking keep pushing. Like,

it's not, like, don't treat it like a fucking hotel, hotel card that you've held too close to your phone and you're just like jam it further I've never added

anything on my iPhone never never mate it's great yeah oh mate it's real good what do you like about it what

what is it about it science is about it it's not arguable nerve endings in there that's where the prostate is yeah it's not a any

trust me I had this thing with myself nerve it's gay fucking it's all this even is it's not a any trust me I had this thing where it was I'm never it's gay fucking it's all this even though I'm not

homophobic I still have that residual homophobia in my head where I'm like no anything up there is not and I realised

I was just like I'm just being doctors scientists are just like that's where your version of the clit is

like what are you the only the only reason i'll wank with fucking weird like i'll wank with love i'll fuck it i'll whine i'll do anything else that i find to put the cigarettes to myself it's yeah that's the only moment where my stupid bigotry comes in dumb residual stuff and i remember the exact moment I became woke actually. So let's get back to that. So a girl was going out and she shoved a finger in my arse. Let me ask first, were you having sex or was it a blow job?

Blow job. Okay. So she was blowing me and then she- And did she bring it up first or did it just happen? She did it. Without you even- She just did it. Okay.

Oh, she was like, look, don't, like she, like my arsehole and she put a finger on it yeah like at no point had it been like no like look the signals were there yeah yeah she made and also in her head she was like i know every man likes this because that's science and then she just went and there was a solid like 0.75 seconds i was like how the fuck it did that is that that's actually really quite nice actually i'm actually it's changed your life like wow right and i'll say it's a fucking uncomfortable song but i'm done with it i've said so many friends of mine they're just like i'm like buddy it's not negotiable remember how i said like in the

last episode but, you know, people got my ex-girlfriend and were like, I don't cum. Yeah. I'm like, or girls are like, yeah, I don't like when guys

go down on me. It's like, yes you do, you've just done badly. Yeah. It's not a negotiable thing. Yeah. Everyone will like

a shadow to his mouth and every man does whether he knows or not likes a digit of the earth. Like, it's not, everyone who doesn't,

it's a conspiracy theory you're literally denying science you are literally denying science a bunch of scientists have

come up to you and said this is your fucking prostate it feels good I can show you the nerve endings and where they end up

and why it feels good also here's a plethora of fucking evidence of everyone who's ever done it saying they fucking liked it

and people still still be like, well, I don't know. I've never been awkward about it or nervous about it. I've just never thought about it, to be honest. I didn't think about it either. How much did the cum change? How much did your orgasm change? I mean, night

and day. Really? Buddy. You're not exaggerating. I for you like i don't i don't exaggerate i'm not like i wouldn't like i would i don't think i wouldn't i wouldn't think my own butthole to me i'm like i don't know why if you're wanking you still wouldn't do that no no but fucking i would definitely be over there i yeah i did like now that i know i'm gonna get a finger feels up there because I'm a guy that just we don't associate

using toys on ourself I'm like I can't use something why why am I preventing myself from this thing that I know I'll like it's because I'm scared

of something a truth that I don't want to know but every I request I request it because if I feel like

it's something they'll be comfortable with yeah changes your life how do you even bring that up like how do you you're feel like it's something they'll be comfortable with. Yeah. Changes your life. How do you even bring that up? Like how do you say. You're married.

Like it's going to be very easy. Make her listen to this podcast. That's how I do it. I get them to listen to this. Because you don't know this. But after this podcast. Yeah. We get in our DeLorean.

Yeah. I release it two years ago. The first time it came to me. This podcast is already two hours old. It's cycling on itself again and again. Honestly. Yeah, I don't think I, like I have done every possible thing you could do to her. But I don't think I have ever, it's never even been thought of that she would go up my fucking ass. Mate, treat yourself.

What I want is because this will be the last one we're able to do for the year. Yeah. Just genuinely within the next year. Okay. Next time we talk, I've got to come back to you. You've got to come back to me with like,

and it doesn't have to be soon. Right. It doesn't have to be more, even if it's just once. I mean, it won't be because the second you do it, it'll be like, I don't know.

You're a good boys. Yeah. Chapter two unlocked. Yeah yeah but after that just come back and fuck us next year we'll discuss here i'm still getting figured okay all right okay so that's next year uh right go to your muggle corner nothing as fucking fruitful as that oh well we don't need to because we are well over time okay well let's not do it oh yeah just oh yeah you know what fuck it that it should be how it worked yeah you agree that went in muggle corner man of course so that was uh yeah so muggles uh virtue signal via their kids with fabricate stories and also

secret bonus muggle corner male muggles think they don't like a finger up their ass. I'm telling you, you all do. It's not negotiable. Man, that's for next year's podcast. We'll find out. Okay, you ready for the, oh, sure, let's plug some shows. This will be out tomorrow, so. Okay.

Well, then both of us have two shows left by then, I guess. Yeah, but do you have any other ones after that? Oh, yeah, I'll be doing Sydney Comedy Festival. Can't remember the dates, but look it up. My name is Cameron James yeah I'll be doing Sydney Comedy Festival can't remember the dates but look it up my name is Cameron James I'm one of the woke cucks otherwise I'm here in Melbourne for the next two days I'll be listening live and just support them in general

and you know where I am you fucking stupid pricks love you though I realise today Sam's in my sound tech told me that sometimes I'm too mean to my audience. And I realized what it is, is because I've always, like I treat the audience like I treat my friends. And as you well know, I treat my friends like shit. Of course.

I think it's very funny to open with an insult, always insult, and then be there, but be open with them. So I treat my audience the same way. I think I'm clearly being sarcastic and clearly just being a dick when I'm making fun of them but because sometimes 50% to 80% of the audience have never seen me before

I'm treating them as if they're my friends it's the first time we've met it's very jarring for me it's so annoying though yeah he's just like oh guys

no I'm kidding I love you all but I am going to say horrible things to you because that's what I do to the people I love let's not get into it that's what I do to the people I love.

Let's not get into it. So annoying. How fucking dare these people not know that. Okay. All right. Uh, whenever your dad does his Stevie wonder impression, he does the eyes.

God, mine's kind of similar. My first one. Uh, your dad is really getting into hip-hop at the moment. Eminem, Macklemore, none of that black shit, though. Your dad uses a baby voice to try getting out of a speeding ticket. Hello, Sergio.

Do you know how fast you were going by there? I don't know. Was I going a little fast? You were doing 75 in a 70. I'm naughty. That is so impotent. He has to thumb it in when he jokes off. That's so bad. I might hang on to that.

That's good to hear. You heard it here first. I might hang on to that. That's good to hear. You heard it here first. It'll be next to your shirt. Whenever someone says that vaginas are self-cleaning, your dad says, not on my watch. Your dad found a testicular cancer lump the other day on my balls i've got a similar one your dad text you telling you that he loved you supported you and was always so proud of you and then found out that the lump on his testicle was his other testicle and took

it all back that's crazy we're on the same wavelength that's good um your dad spices up his sex life by ordering a pad tie on Uber Eats and getting a fuck in before it arrives first one to come

meets the driver out front driver knows him what a first name term thinks he's single wonders why he's away from his wedding except for single except for those occasionally awkward times when his kids come out to pick it up

your dad peels bananas with his arse oh god yeah we're being real homophobic now your dad turns stools upside down to sit on them Oh, God. Yeah, we're being real homophobic now. If that turns stools upside down to sit on them. I don't think it's homophobic because as we've just discussed, anal play is not exclusive to gay men.

That's true. So I don't think it is homophobic at all. I don't think it's... If you take it as that, I do not associate fucking anything going up the arse with homosexuality. And within 12 months we'll hear my opinions on the matter yeah yeah

also that's a bad point I also don't see sucking a dick as being gay so well in 12 minutes we'll hear my opinions

I guess he's a I'm sucking a dick I guess that's the thing oh okay your dad undresses babies with his eyes oh that's a joke for next year's show too. That's good.

I normally don't find racism funny, but your dad's Japanese accent is fucking spot on. Your dad's wedding vows were the hacker. Oh, God. I started going on a theme here i can see it great um your dad looks way different to his okay cupid profile but honestly i really like him i think he might be the one when asked what music he'd like if stuck on a desert island, your dad chose Sounds of the Ocean.

Your dad tells people his favorite movie is that one with the guy. You know that guy? He does. Does he? He absolutely does. I can't fucking stand that when anyone does that my my grandparents if you ever want it's

if I was to write it as a sketch I could never get into a sitcom because it's so unbelievable but it's the thing that makes me

and my family cry with the hardest with laughter is watching both of my grandparents play who's in the back so you notice

that thing where you it's celebrity you put it in your head my granddad, he doesn't have Alzheimer's. He's just, this is where he is.

But he gets so competitive. He'll go, so let's just say Cass Stevens, right? And he'll go, buddy, it's the, she's in the,

sorry, he's in the, he's the, buddy! And he gets annoyed at her. He's not said anything. He's given, and he'll go,

pass, pass! And it comes out Robert De Niro. And he'll go, go oh he was in the the the but he's the one that was in the

he's the one that was in oh the he's the pass and by the end of it he's furious at my poor grant

who's just there like it's real does he call him buddy yeah real old school they call each other buddy really yeah but buddies

apparently buddy back then wasn't like buddy now it's like oh buddy like my buddy yeah but they call each other buddy

do you think that's a UK thing oh definitely yeah absolutely my grandparents yeah absolutely that's really UK buddy

um okay was your last one last uh no no no i've got two more okay go i've got three more your dad faked a limp after parking your dad faked a limp after parking in the disabled spot at the supermarket at 11 p.m Oh, mine are getting less funny. Your dad prefers to be called Papa Sloss because he's a sniveling little bitch. Running out of ideas at this point. Your dad's nickname at work is Karen from HR.

Okay. Daniel, your dad and I are seeing each other this isn't a bit it happened very quickly we're both shocked by it but we love each other very much and i'm sorry but i'm your new daddy is he still my old daddy he's your old daddy i'm your new daddy this is gonna be very confusing because he's my old daddy you're my new daddy and you both call each other daddy yeah it's gonna be weird so it's gonna be fun as a sketch is good one of us says daddy and then everyone goes you're right um i'm all out uh me too oh no one more no no fuck it I'm out that's good you cock teasing

motherfucker yeah yeah we massively overrun this one but who gives a shit how long did we go for 2100 seconds yeah awesome