Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.37 Marathon Man

Episode Date: April 23, 2018

After showing eachother their pubes and discussing grooming techniques, Muggins tells Milk about the suspicions revolving around the legitimacy of his friends London Marathon success in a CSI style break down of events. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

Who loves orange milk? Muggins loves orange milk. Is it true? Mm-hmm. I'm genuinely, even I'm bored of these now. See, I was running out, right? I was starting to burn out. I was doing about 85 podcasts or something.

I was starting, and then I realised that we're going to do children's TV shows. That's Keenan and Kevin keen in the camera in milk the crime busters of the sea loads of them it's just opened up a whole new fucking world of intros

for the show Pandora's box of the openings everyone's just there now I'm fucking delighted this is a brand new brand new twist it's like a fucking

new character getting out of the show that you really like that was me you know when you're enjoying the wire and then all of a sudden Method Man comes along

and you're like fucking ridiculous never seen it you know nah I didn't finish watching it actually I need to get back I saw series one

yeah good I didn't know if it would stand the test of time maybe it would I've not seen Game of Thrones either oh fuck man I know I need to

catch up on stuff like Game of Thrones is one of the best things I've ever been made and I think we put people in Muggle Corner for being resistant to it like you know when people put oh fuck man I know I need to catch up on stuff bro like Game of Thrones is one of the best things that's ever been made and I think we put people in Muggle Corner

for being resistant to it like you know when people put the post up saying oh am I the only person that hasn't

watched Game of Thrones and you're like what I think I'm the only one that's not getting my dick sucked like am I the

only one that's not enjoying one of the best things that there is to life I know I need to watch it and stuff but do you know what, bruv?

I've got a hell of a FIFA career going on at the moment. I've been absolutely smashing it. I bet you sit there not even fucking smiling, just straight face, desensitised to the whole experience. Yeah, but that's the same as sex. Just getting through it, innit? Watch Game of Thrones, you made'm there for me for my personal best

the best time yeah the best time I just want to say as well just before I start the podcast your compliment is on my beard so I just want to say thanks for the compliment

it's alright mate I've well it's looking nice you ain't even complimenting that's what you played along yeah no take it

if you want to but I'm just a bit tired at the moment because I've just finished the London Marathon haven't I apparently so yeah

so I was trying to see if I could get away with that lie well they are made they lied about doing the marathon

yeah how the fuck have I got a story to tell you go on I'm going to get to it in a minute first of all

I want to mention this beer that I've got on I'm trying to grow a beer right now because I'm getting married in September and I thought if I'm going to grow a beard right now because I'm getting married in September and I thought, if I'm going to have a beard, I better

start now because I'm a slow grower. Grower, not a shower, on the beard scale. On the beard scale. And I was thinking to myself, if it comes to the end of August and I've got a beard and I decide I don't want it, I can get rid of it. But if I don't have a beard at the end of August and I decide I do want

one, it's not like I can just stick one on, is it? Just buy a beard at the end of August and I decide I do want one it's not like I can just stick one on is it just buy a beard can I get married in a fucking costume beard I would Santa one that I got on the cheap because it's September

I mean I can see that happening at your wedding it wouldn't surprise me I just thought like I'm going to be in a fancy dress or some shit

or I'll be warmer so half the your side of the wedding are going to be in a fancy dress or something warmer um so half the your side of the wedding are going to be in tracksuits anyway aren't they probably yeah well the geordie in a mackenzie shell suit or something geordie said the fucking reprobates coming over that leaf that he was like can you make sure none of your friends do their drugs she said what i went natalie you can't invade a couple of dozen Geordies and a couple of dozen Glaswegians to Ibiza

and put them back on drugs I'll give you one thing, I'll not touch anything until your mum and dad get out of bed aww well what's the point of getting married don't be boring on your wedding day just listen to this oh fuck I love the idea when your wedding day is going to get to 8pm and you send Natalie to bed.

I'm going to wake and bake you daft guns. You're going to turn up from the night out before. Who wants a sock on? Football sock as a necktie. Sorry, I just brought a bit of coffee on your bed. Oh you bitch. Just fucking wash these sheets. football sock as a necktie. Sorry, I just brought a bit of coffee on your bed. Oh, you bitch. Yeah. Just fucking wash these sheets. Anyway, so I've grown this beard,

and I thought I'd look up how to grow a beard, because I thought... Anyway, I fucking looked it up. Google how to grow a beard. YouTube how to grow a beard. I thought I've seen it, Ryan. I've done that before. You make sure they make someone, yeah. Yeah, I've done that before.

I YouTubed how to get my before. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

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I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I So much effort. So much effort. I just went, nope. Not doing that. What I said when I looked it up, even though you laughed at me and then you admitted that you looked it up. I googled how to maintain a beard, not grow a beard. Because I thought, right,

because it's grown up like fucking really thick on my chin and on my top lip and wispy on my cheeks and like nothing on my fucking sideburns, right? And it's all grown at a different pace. I thought maybe you have to get the clippers and do like a number one all over until it's all the same length and then number two then number three and like grow it evenly but most things are pointing to just persevere just go through an awkward stage and then trim it down so i'm fucking persevering with it but the other

thing said is about like trimming your neckline anyone likes neck hair and that's a bit fucking wispy anyway i got a bald spot in my beard. Yeah, that is fucking... That's weird, isn't it? That's chopping my beard. Can I say something? And it might sound dumb, yeah? No.

No, I'm going to stop right there. But... Go on then. But, right... We all want to hear it. If you think it's dumb. No, no. You see dumb stuff when you think it's smart.

I think there's a bit of logic to it, right? I think the way it works, yeah, you see I can grow hair quite long, whatever. On your head. On my head. I think the way it works is it takes away from the beard part because your body's having to grow the hair bit over there, innit? So when you try to grow a beard, it's like,

oh, no, man, I'm working overtime. So you think all the hair follicles are up top. Yeah, so... And then you realize they have to spread the forces. You think a video is going to come through and you're going to end up with a bald head on the top

with hair that has come through. Yeah, well, that's how it is. It starts receding. Yeah, no, I don't think your hair starts receding. I think it's like,

come on, my bro, I can't be doing all of this. Like, my pubes grow weird, man. Like, I've never had like a full... When I was in like up until year nine, yeah, I was like

bare self-conscious that I wasn't going to get pubes and shit. Anyone listening that's not from london bear means very oh right so yeah uh i was very self-conscious of myself that uh about pubes but my pubes grew because it did sound like you were saying like i was bare self-conscious like it was a self-conscious when i'm naked that's why i corrected it anyway i was just very self-conscious about the way my my pubes grew. What was it? Like a little pot?

Yeah. It was like Moses had fucking parted. Like parted, but not even curly. Just straight, like an Afghan hound. Like a fucking John Lennon hair. Yeah, man. Like a fucking hangadoonie. Do you want to see them?

They're weird. They're fucking... No, look. Sitting on your bed getting your cock rude. No, I'm not getting my cock out. I'm just showing you my pubes, right? Show us your pubes. Look, that's not a lot, is it? Is it not even better getting your cock out? No, I'm not getting my cock out. I'm just showing you my pubes, right? It shows your pubes. Look, that's not a lot, is it?

Is that not shaved? That's not shaved. That's just how it comes through. That's just how it comes through. That's like funny hair. That's like a well-groomed funny. Yeah. When a girl has hair

but keeps it neat. Oh, she trims it, yeah. Is that how yours comes through? Yeah, man. Fucking hell. I mean, some would say lucky. It is. It saves you a bit of fucking groomage. Yeah. You don't need a Fucking hell. I mean, some would say lucky. It is. It saves you a bit of fucking groomage.

Yeah. You don't need a manscape. You just come pre-manscaped. I don't think... I don't know what I'm going to tell this story. You see, when jacking off, yeah, I used to like... Are you going to fucking show that as well? Oh, look, look at what happens.

If you insist. You see, when jacking off, yeah? Have you ever had a dry orgasm? I, when I was fucking 11 or 12 or something. Yeah, yeah. Weren't those the days, man? Like, no cleaning up. Oh, when did we mess?

Oh, beautiful. Like, fucking everyone wants to throw big ropes for me. I'd rather just go back to them days when I was 30. You never made a mess of the catalogue. I confused you when I said made a mess of the catalog. You didn't know what I was talking about. Holy fuck. You've had the internet all your life.

Yeah. We didn't have the internet. We granted I had a catalog. There was an underwear section. Get in that. Little Woods. Little Woods all day, baby. And then the message I was in there.

Ho. Who? My sweetheart. Is she like Marilyn Monroe in the 90s or something? Pretty much. She had a bit of a gap where I teeth but she had mint tits.

You don't want it being the other way round really I wasn't looking at that smile I'm going to go and wear a section I'm going to go

and wear a section for dental advice don't I so my pubes are like a tricolour I've got like it's actually quite fucking black considering Iolour. I've got like,

it's actually quite fucking black considering I'm a ginger. I've had a shave, so you can't really tell. But considering I'm ginger, my treasure tail, my crab bladder, my belly button's all black and then it goes ginger

so I can like, I could prove I wasn't ginger by showing someone my belly button. But then it goes ginger and then it goes bleached blonde, like not even bleached blonde, but like white on my bowels. So I've just got this like,

what do you call that ice cream again Napoleon Napoleon Napoleon it's not it's Napoleon Neapolitan Neapolitan

I've got Neapolitan pubes Neapolitan sounds like a sort of political party don't it like I support the Neapolitans

but it would also sound like a really hardcore like the Neapolitan old was oh yeah some Turkish lads who come over and take it a bit too far. Well, I've started getting chest hair, yeah. Oh, I just get spider's legs and I just fucking shave them.

Oh, man, it's the worst. So now I've finished... Well, I've finished that with grooming because I want to mention this. When I was looking up about the beard thing to find out if I should be shaving it or letting it grow, I discovered that you're meant to put beard oil on it, which,

it's meant to like soften it, and just get, I don't know, but it's like, Yeah, because when you wash it, you get rid of the sweat and stuff. Yeah,

and I just thought, you know what, I'll fucking go with it, I'll get some beard oil, and on the way back from, on the way back from Dublin just now, Natalie sent us a text saying, could you pop it in the boots,

and get some more condoms, because I use condoms, because it's not on the pill Natalie just having a rest just having a rest from being a hormonal mess so I would just uh she said pick up some condoms and I went into boots and I'm about to buy me condoms and I thought I'll get my beard oil when I'm here and I was looking at the beard oil I picked it up and because of how shit my beard is I was too embarrassed to buy my condoms, and I thought, oh, I'll get my beard oil when I'm here, and I was looking at the beard oil, and I picked it up, and because of how shit my beard is, I was too embarrassed to buy the beard oil. I was there buying condoms.

I was there buying condoms, and I had knee fucking qualms, and I was fucking asking for the condoms behind the counter, but I would have, if I would have handed the beard oil, just can't, and now I've done.

I don't know how I know this, but I know you actually get very self-conscious about buying condoms don't you and actually I know why because you were around mine one time and you asked if I had any

and it was like I was like can you have to go and buy them and I was like what do you want I was like why are you asking me this guy what have you got planned

and he went I just get very self-conscious when I have to go buy condoms it's not so much self-conscious it's the fact that it's like it's advertised what you're buying anything else in the shop right you can just fucking go into the thing get it scan it through it's yours nobody knows what you're getting but with the condoms they're buying the fucking counter or they'll sometimes put them in a big fucking box like a big like somebody will nix them because they're the most nickable thing because nobody wants to make the transaction right

right so they'll put them in a big security thing because nobody wants to make the transaction right so they put them in a big security box where you have to get the security card tagged off you can't do it without a human interaction right

and I fucking I had again the same up the fucking road the other day and asked for it and she went oh which kind

and there's a fucking queue full of people behind us and I look at them and I saw the one that says extra thin right

an extra thin and then I turned to the queue, and I was like, that's the text the other room, I've got the size of it, that's the size of the condom, so I had to, it's not something I like purchasing,

but genuinely fucking pick up the piano, put it back for it, I'll get it on later, I don't want to embarrass myself. Did you ever, you said, did you ever, back in your day did you have them

card things I think I've got one in my wallet where you can go get free condoms from places oh yeah you could go

to the drop in centre yeah yeah but you just have to ask they ask a lot of personal questions and it's like come on man I'm just here

to get some water balloons should we have to put them on and all that yeah with a bloke that nads your dad putting a fucking condom on a banana we had that in school one time yeah we had to put beer goggles on and they'd had like a dildo like a fake beer goggles yeah these

goggles on it this is not what being drunk's like it was like it was like proper man this is the problem with this country yeah it was i don't know what the word propaganda that's the one propaganda about alcohol isn't it it's like the same way do you remember in school we had a day

where they told us about ecstasy and they were like you're going to take ecstasy you're going to die you're going to over hydrate first time I took ecstasy bruv

I was expecting to die complete opposite had a great time you know what I mean it sold itself you're just living fear that it's your last day after you've had one

oh yeah oh yesterday we'll get on to that later but I got peeled off on Friday and just fuck man I did my day off

later come real quick huh later you went we'll get on to that later and then started telling us still technically later time dilation anyway

beer goggles how time works beer goggles were these things that you basically put on and it would make you blind yeah yeah and uh so so you'd you'd be blinded and then they'll be like try put a condom on this thing now it's impossible like it's impossible you can't you can't do it but they've blinded you i've been drunk i've put a condom on sometimes when i put a condom on yeah i still get self-court every time i think i've put it on the wrong way round. Oh, yeah, because it fucking... Add an arrow to it.

I mean, you can figure it out by... It's not too hard to tell, but fucking... It kills the mood when you're there. You've been getting into it and then suddenly... Because you can get it on an inch upside doing, can't you? And then you realise and then you fucking have to flip it back around. Have you ever had lubed up fingers, right, and then tried to

open a condom oh I I better hand it over I better fucking I better hand it over I'm just going you get that open for us like if you kind of

get the lid off the jar sometimes you've got fuck it I'll risk the STI no no it's fucking bigger risks than STIs mate oh what kids

just pull out you can kids? Just pull out. You can't have antibiotics. Pull out. Or just leave it in and hope you have one of those dry orgasms, like you're 11 years old again. Oh, I'll fucking bring that back. Bring a pill where it just makes you have a dry orgasm. Can you get a male pill?

I wouldn't be honest if we take the male pill. Probably. I don't know. I think that's tight-butted. Your dad's on it. It's like a type of your dad's on it it's like a part of your dad joke isn't it dad's on the pill

dad's on the pill it's something like emasculating but I'm like I think I'm a bit too long in the tooth to be bothered by the like

emasculated side of like bravado of it like oh you're on the pill are you I'll take it I'll take it as long

as it didn't boost estrogen levels or something big old titties pillow yeah I'll take it I'll take it as long as it didn't boost estrogen levels or something give you some big old titties oh man I fucking smashed it last week yeah

in uh I was talking about uh Morgan's like a biologist thing yeah I think she's a marine biologist so I don't think

it's quite the same as people biology but it's like all about sea turtles or some shit right and um well I've started talking about estrogen and what happens if you boost your estrogen huh it's like all about sea turtles or some shit right and well I've started talking about

estrogen and what happens if you boost your estrogen but don't you know what happens if you take steroids and

man I felt like I was just nailing in an exam like it was so impressive what I was coming out with so is this just a tribute

you're not going to tell us well right so the science behind it is right say you start boosting your testosterone what happens is your body stops making natural testosterone however it keeps making the estrogen right now in male and females and this is biology male and females not your fucking i've had a ham sandwich i feel like a woman today male and female

this is science this is your this is your science here right they uh your your testosterone men have more testosterone women have more estrogen i think i'm just gonna let you keep talking right and then uh so what happens if you if you keep taking testosterone and then don't taste take take estrogen blockers, your, your, your body stops making natural testosterone. However, it keeps making the estrogen.

So that's how you start getting like bitch tits. What's in the gym is called bitch tits. It's not a sexy statement. It's called bitch tits. Yeah, it's like what Vito Belfort's got at the minute. UFC fighter. Yeah.

UFC fighter who's clearly been on the fucking stands all his career. These new tests come in and all of a sudden he's got a dad bod. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause he's got, he's got these little moves because he's...

They're still allowed to do testosterone in the UFC though, I think. They're allowed to take testosterone. They're allowed to take TRT.

They're not allowed to take testosterone boosters. But yeah, I was just nailing science, man. And do you know what I realised, bruv? Science ain't that difficult. It ain't.

It's not that difficult. When you think you know everything, nothing's difficult. No, no,'s not that difficult when you think you know everything nothing's difficult no no like if you think you know everything because you're not asking enough questions hear me out science can go as deep as you want to go hear me out you're doing some fucking base base level science right now and like maths is kind of science isn't it maths and science go hand in hand it's like you're gonna have a curry you're gonna order the rice science is the curry maths is the rice you get what I'm saying? I mean, maths... Yeah, go on.

Go on. Follow the thought. Here's something I thought about maths, yeah. Infinity ain't a thing. Are you trying to be smart? Nah. Bruv, there's got to be

the world's biggest number in it. There's got to be one there. They're fucking lazy and haven't come up with it. That's my fault on it but when what happens when you double that it keeps going

that's what I'm saying yeah for how long for how long but this is the thing there's always no but this is the thing it's a hard concept to get your head around

no no no no no but there's always going to be a number bro okay so say you times a billion by a quadzillion or whatever I think that's one of them

you're really winning everybody over with this one so say you times by a quadzillion or whatever. I think that's one of them. You're really winning everybody over with this one. The same times by a quadzillion, bruv. If you out there know maths, tweet in the answer.

They don't, bruv. They're just making it up. It's like flat earth. No, but this is it. You know, so you say there's a biggest number ever, right?

You could have that number that you said, you could have one followed by that many zeros. That means you can never get to the final number. That's a fair point.

That means it's just constantly growing. They can't stop. But then what is like, what's like the biggest number anyone's ever counted to? There is a fucking name for it. It's like a fucking

Google whack or something. It's like, actually that's what, a Google whack is a number. Not Google whack. That is, I'm sure. Because I watched a fucking documentary

put in for me is that what google is named after yeah really it's like one of the largest numbers oh okay that they've titled and is that why google's called google

because when you type something in there's like loads of pages at the end of it hey that wasn't a joke that was a serious that was a joke and the penny drops

on something like that for you like the penny dropped on you the day when you realised that everywhere on Fortnite was alliteration

every destination on the map of this computer game that we love and Sloss Sloss just sounded haunted hills snobby shores

oh my god lonely lodge oh we've been playing it for months Sloss had one of those voices that he gets with me sometimes

which is that like I'm disappointed I'm friends with you yeah he was just so upset oh one of my realisations where I was like it was quite obvious

when it's said but when you like realise you're like oh fuck it's that I don't know if we talked about this last time I was talking about the war I talk about the war a lot these days is the word infantry

has the word infant in it infantry so the soldiers are kids are kids right that's why it's called infantry because it's the youngins it's the ones that aren't old enough or mature enough to be cavaliers and if there was if there was an unlimited amount of soldiers it'd be called infinitary wow right back full circle, didn't you, Elliot? My little self over here working hard on a podcast. Oh, my God. But you make it look so easy. Oh, man.

It's like a duck's legs. Do you know what? Yeah. It's not difficult. No, wait. It's difficult being a misunderstood genius. Aye. Who told you that?

Someone tip you off. Some of the voices in my head. So, where was I going to go? I've got two ways to go with this. I've got a story to tell you about the marathon today. I've got two facts to tell you about World War I. Please,

please no more fucking World War I facts. You're going to love these ones. I'm not though. It's fucking brilliant. You're going to love it. It's going to be brilliant. It's like when I look at your Facebook posts where you start writing shit about World War I

and it's like, you're coming in with facts about World War I on Facebook going, hey, everyone, look at this thing that happened. It's like, we know. We know a war happened. I'll tell you what's happened.

You know, when I was a kid, right, old men used to tell boring war stories because you would think they were boring because you were a kid, right? But they're actually not boring. I was a kid, right, old men used to tell boring war stories because you would think they were boring as a kid, right? But they're actually not boring. But as a kid, you think they're boring war stories. Now, I'm an old man now telling war stories about wars I wasn't at. It's like you've heard a story from a great party.

You're going to be telling your kids about stuff that happened on Call of Duty something about the fortnight the alliteration wars alright it is

alliteration when a word's got the same letter as the other word like if you have flip flop that's alliteration

I guess you can have alliteration within a word as well but yeah alliteration's the repetitive use of a specific letter or sound

I love onomatopoeia bruv onomatopoeia like buzz like buzz what what a word i just like the word onomatopoeia onomatopoeia in itself is onomatopoeia really no it's not it is because it sounds like onomatopoeia it just sounds good to say no but onomatopoeia you don't i mean you don't quite understand what it is if you think onomatopoeia sounds onomatopoeic you're fucking wrong because onomatopoeia isn't a doing word or a word that would create a sound. I know it's like buzz or boom. Yeah, it's words that sound like...

Yeah, thud. Yeah. You know, slap. Yeah. Slap sounds like slap. Onomatopoeia only sounds like onomatopoeia because it's called onomatopoeia. Yeah, exactly.

That means everything would be onomatopoeic if you went by that logic. Bruv. You keep saying bruv every time you're stuck it's just a good word but it's not onomatopoeic I think it's in my top 5 favourite words I'm going to start using it more

instead of bruv I'm going to say onomatopoeia please do so you want another marathon story not another marathon story I want the marathon story that when I turned up and met everyone you all went shh I want to tell you this on the turned up and met everyone, you all went, shh, we're going to tell Elliot on the podcast.

I want to tell you this on the podcast because I wanted your reaction to it because I didn't want us to have thrashed out the story because we're still kind of fucking figuring out what happened, right?

We still don't know what the fuck went down. Tell me. Something went down. So my friend, Deemers, fucking dear friend, went to school with a boy,

right? I've known him since he was a child. He's coming down the marathon three years ago. fucking dear friend went to school with the boy right I've known him since he was a child right he's he came down the marathon three years ago I think it was the 2015 marathon

might have been the 16th but semantics and he fucking killed himself doing this marathon right he's a fucking

not a fit dude his wife's a feeder she's a wonderful cook Rachel's a great cook and she he's a fucking made man when it comes to dinners and puddings right he fucking eats right he's a wonderful kook Rachel she's a great kook and she he's a fucking mad man when it comes to dinners and puddings

right he's a fucking meat right he's a big dude but he's he still

plays football he's got like a background in sport he can always get to that point in cardio

he's just got the chops for a little bit of fucking sport right but his

age is getting the better let's say he's getting middle age spread at the age

of 34 right not against it he's got a good life well if age of 34, right? Not against it. He's got a good life. Well, if he dies at 68, then yeah, technically that's fine, isn't it? I mean, he's healthy enough. He doesn't smoke or anything like that.

He doesn't touch drugs. Pussy. Fucking. One of Natalie's friends that's been invited to the wedding. He's going to be good as gold. So it's not out of the realm of possibility that it's going to be a fucking marathon but you look at the dude and you're going good luck dude

and he put himself through fucking hell in this marathon in 2015 he crossed the finish line after just under 6 hours I watched him at the finish line but I also watched it getting dark I was waiting for him I was waiting for him in 2015 and everyone's running by and all of a sudden there's a fucking rhinoceros.

Like an actual fucking heavy duty fucking rhinoceros costume. And there's another one. And there's another one. Boom. Rhinoceros after rhinoceros. Over the course of this next fucking couple of hours, people start packing up the fences. All of a sudden, fucking Jesus runs past. When I say Jesus runs past, I mean he's got a fucking crucifix on his back and he's in bare feet, right?

And I don't mean very feet. He had no fucking shoes on, right? Right? Then another rhinoceros. And then a guy carrying a fucking tumble dryer runs past. What? He had a fucking tumble dryer on his back, right?

With a fucking stamp on it saying... What's wrong with people? People got record breakers and say, like, I'm going to fucking, see if I can run the marathon as fast as carrying a tumble dryer and they'll clarify it

and they'll put in the footage. So people are trying to break records, yeah, right? So people are breaking records with fucking ridiculous concepts and then, Demas is coming,

doing, and I can see him just deaf in his eyes, right? Like, he's about to fall flat on his face. He's only like, putting one foot in front of that because he's leaning forward fall flat on his face he's he's only like putting one foot in front

of that because he's leaning forward a degree right there's one foot slap one foot slap right and he doesn't know i've come to watch him he doesn't even know i'm in london at the time i didn't even live in london at the time but i got the tip off that he was doing it i was like fuck i'm visiting natalie she just moved here and um and i started shouting on him right and he fucking come over and his eyes were glazed over, fucking milky eyes, right? And he just went, he just put his hand on the back of my head and he went,

I've went through all of that just to see your ugly fucking mug, right? Fucking beautiful fucking moment. Beautiful moment when fucking Demas goes on across the finish line and we're going out. Good on him, man.

Good on him, man. And we're going out and we'll fucking have some pizza and have a nice time but he's dying, right? And we're going out good on him man good on him man and we're going out and we'll fucking have some pizza and have a nice time but he's dying right and we're fucking ended up there taking him

fucking hollow in London as well trying to find a place for the bite to eat because everywhere is fucking busy so I just like plodding around

and he just ran out of this shit and he went for all that and he gave his medal to his son when he got home right and now

his youngest son is four who would have been like a baby at the time and knows that his older brother's got a marathon medal of demas of his dad so he's now at that age where he's like i want one of them that finley's got and finley's teasing tom with it going dad gives me a medal he's like six years old you haven't got a medal right and demas is like fuck i'm gonna do the marathon again so I can give the youngest a medal so fucking Demas comes up

to date to do the London Marathon and I'm just like looking at him fucking bigger and older than he was

three years ago when he fucking struggled his heart out to date in six hours and he's like he's a bit worried and we'll have like

nice carb up like at Nando's and he gets a like nice meal and then we'll go out for dinner and have dinner and like have Nando's, and he gets a nice meal and then we'll go out for dinner and have pasta and rice and stuff. And then he gets up in the morning and he goes out.

And we're clocking his time, right? Because I didn't want to fucking go and wait at the finish line for six years. So we're clocking his time. You know how they put a chip on your laces? Do they? They put a chip. You get given a chip, right, so everyone can track you. Like, I typed in fucking Joel Dommert. Because Joel Dommert's got a chip you get given a chip right so everyone can track you like I typed in

fucking Joel Dommert because Joel Dommert's got a chip attached to his name I could see where he was getting up to but I realised he ran it so fucking fast

that I couldn't get to the finish line on time to see him wow I was like oh fuck I wish I could have seen Joel but he'd done it

in like three and a half hours or something three and a half hours is ridiculous like I think that's the most ridiculous time for a marathon yeah that's insane so em you don't tie your laces to it right you you put your you put

your laces through it there's like two holes on the bottom two holes on the top and you lace your trainers up with it in you don't like tie it on your thing right so fucking that goes that doesn't it's not a gps but it scans like bo boop, every time you go past the five-kilometer check mark, five-kilometer, ten-kilometer, 15, 20, and then just after 20-kilometer, halfway checkpoint, and then the 25, 35, all the way to 40, and then finish. Because it's like 20, whatever it goes over to, 26. I think it's like 45.

I can't do the maths in my head straight away. It goes up to infinity. It's 26 head straight away. It goes up to infinity. It's 26.2 miles. It goes up to Google. So we're watching Divas through, just so we know when to leave the hoose, right? And he gets to halfway just over two and a half hours. That's good.

So it's good, right? So this is around about what he was on last time, because he was on about two and a half hours last time he'd done it. He'd done it in six hours hours but obviously the second half of his marathon is going to slow down to the first half of the marathon the first half you've got all your energy you got the fucking buzz of the race right and everybody running as well the different pieces you're always going to do your first half so you did two and a half hours last time for the first half and then it took him about three and a half hours to do the second half of the marathon,

the last time when he did it. And then we just got a text in the group of Demas just going, I've just had to have a sit down. And we were like, oh, fuck, he's knackered, right? And I'm like, come on, mate, you can do it. So we make our way to the finish line. And also, what else this app does when you check on it, it says two and a half hours,

projected time that he's due in at that same pace would be three o'clock right so he's set off he'd set off at 10 a.m that's when he left 12 30 he's having to sit down at the halfway stage right and then it projects that he's going to be in two and a half hours after that at 3 p.m so we need to be there for 3pm. So we get there for maybe a quarter to two. Right. Right? And the whole time we're nowhere there, we don't see the fucking chip activate for the 20 kilometre mark.

Right? The chip doesn't activate, right? We're halfway, right? Not 20 kilometre, 25 kilometre. Right. We're halfway and Rachel is fucking having kittens. His wife is there going, what the fuck has happened?

He hasn't moved since the last thing, right? He isn't there. And I was like, yeah, that's because he hasn't moved. Don't worry about him. He's just fucking stuck. He's slowed down. He's just done 30 miles as a fucking big bloke and stopped in his tracks. So she's fucking worried sick about him.

And we're watching people in. And at this point, when we're watching people in, we've missed Joel, but only just. This is like fucking coming up to four hours. So the people that are trying to get some four hours are usually people trying to dig a bucket list. I've trained my fucking life to get under four hours. And these people are fucking slick, not a lick of fat on them. Everybody's just fucking whizzing by at a pace

that I'd be happy to do 10 kilometres in right and I'm watching this just people fucking whizzing by and then Rachel phones back again and goes oh his chip fell off man

he's here he's finished and he went I went he's here She was like yeah He's just told us to meet him I was like he's fucking Pulling your leg man

He's doing fucking Tower bridge He's halfway still He's not there And she was like No no he's just phone Saying he's finished I went Rachel

Look at the track Look at the track right And tell me Demus Beat these legends And then people were Whoosh Whoosh Right And tell me Demas beat these legends. And then people are like, whoosh, whoosh. And I'm not taking the piss with Demas too much about the fucking Clippy thing.

I've played football with Demas for fucking seven seasons, right? I've played on the same football pitch as him on seven seasons. You're a decent footballer as well, so you must be a decent footballer we're decent like we're never gonna be Sunday league decent

yeah Demas is a better footballer than me right you and Matty are pretty good he was a fullback on my wing

Demas right me and him we and him had a lot of fucking link up plays right and I'll tell you one thing right

seven years of playing football with Demas in his twenties in his prime when he was half the size he is now

I'd never seen him run as fast as the motherfuckers that were in front of me. Within past now, I'm like, I've never seen him run that fast at full tick or 100 metres, never mind over 26.2 miles.

And then I'm looking at the time, two and a half hours it took him, two and a half hours it took him two and a half hours it took him to get halfway and an hour and a half to do the other in an hour and a half to do the other 13 miles 13 point what would it have been sorry yeah 13.1 miles not happening right this is not happening like i'm just like not having it and then and then i get there right and i get back and there he is he's fucking metal on right he's like fucking he's lying around his neck that he's gonna give to his kids he's got his t-shirt and all that right because i took the metal off of him right now fucking have a look at it and i end up like put

i ended up putting the metal on and he was like he didn't even look fucked. You know, last year, like 2015, when I saw him dead, he was a fucking husk, a shell. He was an empty shell of a human being crossing the finish line after six hours. This man had just knocked two hours off his PB, and he's in a chatterbox and all that. He's just full of beans, and he's, like, complaining about his knee's just full of beans and he's like complaining about his knee which he would

right he was complaining about his knee and he was saying he was getting a bit of chair for Johnny's nipples right you know what he was acting like he was acting like

a man that had run a half marathon but two hours a can because he was a man that had run a half marathon two hours a can you know what I'm saying right

he has stolen valour from the running world right but this is this is something that's motivating as well for two hours a can. You know what I'm saying? He has stolen valour from the running world. Right? But this is something that's more to it as well. There's way more to it. So he had his T-shirt tucked into his thing

and it was his underarm out, right? And he was like, oh, I had to take my underarm off because a bunch of people at the beginning were saying I was going to be... And he really made a fucking effort of telling us why

he had to take his under armour off people were telling us I would get heat stroke and stuff and I couldn't wear it so I just took

it into my thing so that meant nothing it was a bit like he forced that information on us added details so that's something

that I made a note of and the other thing was this was the fucking big giveaway he fucking pulled his

phone out of his pocket and the fucking clip from the thing that's meant to be on his laces fell on his fucking the fucking big giveaway you fucking pulled his phone out of his pocket and the fucking the clip in front of the thing that's meant to be on his laces fell out of his pocket

onto the floor right and I'm not fucking shitting you here I'm fucking being Natalie just went oh there's your thing like just

innocently right oh there's your thing and he went well that's not mine picked it picked it up and put it in his

motherfucking pocket If it wasn't yours What are you picking up a stranger's fucking foot tag for? Someone died Someone died on the track And he thought Better get that dog tag His wife will be worried about him

Fucking send a letter Your wife was this brave soldier Oh my god Right And then I start fucking Retired I'm looking at Rachel Because she was like Dead proud of him And I heard her on the phone wife who was this brave soldier oh my god right and then uh i start fucking we're tired with it i'm looking at rachel because she was like dead proud of him and i heard her on the phone telling

i heard on the phone telling his sister he's timing all that and like uh it did probably i'm trying to work good has he pulled the wool over rachel's eyes or is she part of this lie right because this is it team has come to london especially so he could get that medal for his son. Right? He needed to get that medal and take it back to his son. He couldn't come back and go, I love Finn more.

It was part of me in that race. Hey, listen, kid. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll do 400 metres around the track for you. I'll do the dad's run at school sports day. Shall I just do that for you? Oh, man. Because there would have been something in his head.

You know when he'd done that six-hour fucking when he was damaged goods as a human being, right? When he crossed that line, there was something in his head that was like, I am going to get that medal for my son, right? But something in his head just went, ah, fuck it. I'll just jump back in at the end i don't know

what happened right but uh so he needs to maintain this life so he can give that son that medal right i'll get behind him on this i think he needs to give his son that medal and let his son live in a world where he done a marathon for him too where his dad is a marathon runner because you know what like he's already done a fucking marathon he doesn't need to prove himself to the world yeah he's already done i've done a coast to need to prove he's self to the world you know he's already done it I've done a coast to coast before where I cycled from one coast to Britain

another one two days from Whitehaven to Tynemouth right and it was fucking agony the second time I attempted to day it I didn't day it my knees started playing up

I got the top of my heart to pass and I bailed but you know what I just went I went fucking I've done it before it doesn't matter yeah the second time

it's almost like because you know what's to come, you go, I don't think I could ever bear that again. I mean, I'm not like that because I'm not a little bitch. So, I mean, I'm going to put it out there that it was an injury. That's stopless. So he didn't need to prove himself to me or the world or anyone, right?

This lie would have no foundation other than his kid needs to know that he did the same thing he did for the other kid he's just trying to put some equality across I'm trying to figure out whether he's lying to Rachel too so that Rachel doesn't have to lie to her children and she can just tell her children so I'm trying to work out if she's in on it

or if she's found for this ridiculously bad lie at least give an extra hour before you show your face I love the idea that you got to the end and he went, wow, that's a great time. Look, you've actually qualified for the elite running squad. He fucking has. He's in the sub four hour marathon club. And mate, this is something that I was telling Brett about it.

And I was telling Brett Vincent. That's over eight miles an hour. I haven't done the maths. I haven't done the maths on it. that's over eight miles an hour oh i haven't done the maths i haven't done the math that's over eight miles an hour that's like that's that's over eight miles an hour i fit no it ain't no i'm brother i'm shit at maths in it um that's what i haven't done the maths on it like you are not the person to be doing this live on a podcast let people just figure it out that's that's that's That's over six miles an hour. So you've got to be doing like...

Six miles an hour is not that pacey. You're going to have to do two seven-mile hours and then two six-mile hours. I'm not going to cross-check your maths just now. I'm not just going to take the numbers you've thrown. That is quick maths. Quick maths. So let's get back to the point.

Before your stupid pointless equations came into it. I was saying to Brett, I was saying to Brett, like, it's too convenient that he's fucking, he lost his thing, and then it showed up falling out of his pocket, right? And that he's got through. And I'm trying to figure out a move,

because he's lying to me. I'm his fucking buddy, man. Like, why are you lying to me for? You didn't pull the wool out of my eyes. And I've already showed that I didn't trust that he did it. Brett went, he's got an Apple Watch on. He's measured his steps. Can't take his steps.

And I whacked open the room, and I tell him, where's the Apple Watch? And guess what? I ran the battery halfway through. Exactly I tell him, we need Apple Watch. And guess what? Ran into a battery halfway through. Exactly halfway in. Oh, really? Exactly. So imagine this is the, right,

supposing Demas is telling the truth. This is what happened in Demas' life, right? Demas is two and a half hours into a marathon, right? He's halfway. All of a sudden, the fucking thing files off. His Apple Watch goes. He's off the fucking thing files off his apple watch goes he's off the fucking grid and then he just went it's game day and he just starts whizzing past people because he's whizzing past people that are going to do it

in five hours or more at the pace of someone that would do it in three hours. You know, if you don't... That's the pace of someone that does a marathon in three hours. That's half a marathon in an hour and a half. That's the pace of someone that does it in three hours. He's just done a fucking... a speed faster than Joel Dommett ran. And Joel Dommett's probably the healthiest motherfucker

I know. Joel Dommett is ripped afuck. He's... Yeah, man. He's him in the jungle dude and I'm just somebody get me out of here dude that guy is fucking

stripped right but apparently for half the race Demas went way quicker than him not having it alright shall we come up

with theories right let's come up with a couple of theories about what happened on Demas' marathon no I'm gonna I'm gonna I don't need to give you a theory

I'm gonna come up I'm gonna tell you what I think happened right you give me your theory for'm gonna come up i'm gonna tell you what i think right you give me your theory it's possible this could have happened because i think i was gonna forget it out demas is two and a half two and a half hours into the marathon right he's there and he's struggling and all of a sudden he runs past a guy who's passing out he's passing out and the guy goes listen bro i can't go on and And Demas goes, no, man, come on, you can do it. The lad's young.

He's a young lad. He's going, come on, bro, if I can do it, you can do it. And he goes, no, man, I can't do it. Take this and give it to my wife. This is the only thing I've got, the only thing you can give her, right? This is all I've got, all she's going to have left of me. I'm going to die. And Demas is like, I'm going to do it, bro.

And he's like, you've got to be quick, though. She's got to go around to her mum's for four even then even then four o'clock would have been grand four o'clock would have been a believable time he's got it in two

he went in to make sure he's got it make sure you got in the book just before 2 o'clock I didn't even get the finish line because the app was telling us it would be near a 6 is that in a running world is that seen as the same

as like if you go oh yeah I'm a purple belt in jiu jitsu and then someone just chokes you out and you go oh no I, I'm a purple belt in jiu-jitsu and then someone just chokes you out and you go, oh no, I didn't mean that.

Well, this is, so I'm wracking my brains, how has he fucking done it, right? One, option one is he fucking ran,

he ran a fucking six minute mile for half of the race, right? That's a real outside answer that it's that one. Option two is that because he works for Virgin, and Virgin sponsor the event, like run the event.

It's Virgin Marathon, right? Everyone's. So he got the access to, he goes to the Planet Hollywood, the restaurant. Is that what it's called? I don't know. There's a restaurant called Planet Hollywood. Is there?

What's it called? Fucking anyway. So there's a restaurant that they've taken over to be their, like, base. Right. And he has got access to that, like, as an insider.

So he could probably just go in and get a fucking bag with a t-shirt and a medal in. So he could have just fucking ducked through the race, got the tube over, right, and got a bag. Get an Uber. Get an Uber over, right, and got a bag. Get an Uber.

Get an Uber over, right. He's doing something, right. Oh, he ran from sitting down to fucking, right. So I'm thinking he's probably done that. And then I'm like, I'm speculating with Brett. And Brett goes, oh, so when did he say he was sitting down? And I was like, well, it was just after halfway because his chip had scanned.

And then he texted saying he was sitting down. And then Brett gets the fucking map up. Wait till he fucking sees this, man. So I'm'm just gonna show you the map so you can react to it obviously people can't um people can't see the people can't see the map on the podcast but this is uh sorry this is taking a bit too long i thought you were going to suggest that he ran back after halfway and did the other half of the marathon so i'm going to talk i'm going to talk the listeners through this but as you can see there, 10 kilometres, it curls around, 11 kilometres, it curls around,

12 kilometres, and then it crosses a bridge, right? Tower bridge. I'll show you, these aren't kilometres, these are miles. Where it says 12, that's a mile, right? And then it goes over a tower bridge, and then it banks right.

And you see where there's 13 there? Yeah. Right, so that's 13 miles, and there, 13.2, halfway, that's where he tagged out, right? That's where he had his sit down. Right? As you're looking at this map, can you confirm that as it miles and there 13.2 halfway that's where he tagged out right that's where he had he sit down right

as you're looking at this map can you confirm that it goes down there goes like half of the marathon is around there and then it comes back and goes exactly

parallel with halfway can you see it goes back there and then it goes back to Tower Bridge again it cuts across to Tower Hill dude

right so you just you just didn't run past Tower like Thomas House? So that goes from 13 to 22 miles. So there's four miles left, right, if he can get across there. Now, Demas went for a sit-down, right?

Demas then took off his underarm, right? Demas put his underarm on, walked across to the other side, took off his underarm, and as a runner... In front of people runner in front of people managed to get back in as if he'd been having a sit because he's went for a sit down from this side and then he said that he's had a sit down from that side and then he

gets in and then he runs the last four miles from there which took him an hour and a half by the way and then he got his medal when he crossed the finish lane for little Tommy. He didn't fucking... I am impressed with what he'd done for his son. Yeah?

He wasn't going to get that free so he suddenly pulled off all the stops. Not lying to me, like... Imagine, like, the moment of shame as he's doing that in front of people

and he's just got to think, I love my kid. I love my kid. I love my kid. And the people just look at him, no, mate, what are you doing? And he's just there going, it's for my kid. But this kid i love my kid and other people just looking no mate what you doing and he's just there going it's for my kid but this is what's funny is that i turned up just before

just after he finished his race right i turned up at the 600 meter line right and what i was saying was people were fucking licking bad yeah so they're the people that he wasn't amongst so he's there it's this stumbly little tubby guy. He must be like, wow, what a dude. They must be there going, fucking hell, I wonder how fast he must have been going to get ahead of me at the start. Do you reckon, yeah, there's a marathon thing, right?

I ain't sure how marathon works. This sucks for Demas if he did do it. Yeah, which he clearly did. When I was bringing up these arguments, he didn't argue it as hard as somebody that was getting told that didn't complete a marathon. Okay, but listen, there's one thing we ain't taken into consideration here. I've never run a marathon,

but I have been last in a game of Mario Kart. And when you hit a box on Mario Kart and you're in last place, what do you get? The rocket. The bullet. The bullet, right? Is it possible that Demus was in last place in a marathon, collected the bullet, and then whizzed around to the...

Oh, the star. Knocked a few people off the bridge. It's possible. I've got the lightning bolt that just neutralizes everybody. And I think the lesson, what we've learned from here, is if you're gonna run a marathon and you're not really gonna train properly or be prepared to do it take steroids which you seem to know a lot about just now take take the you haven't just been researching growing

beards have you no dude i tell you what yeah i wish i was on steroids but have you seen the size of me i'm skinny as fuck i took steroids before yeah i was 22 in a six-week course of them it actually like you wouldn't have looked at me and went oh that guy's on steroids because i just went from skinny to normal i took um testosterone uh supplements that boost your natural testosterone one time and uh it definitely made a difference in my life as in like i was i was a lot less on the fence about things well yeah that's the thing saying that you'd probably be very angry you say a lot less on the fence but i think like yeah i think like testosterone like when people say roid rage like people who are just like placid who take stories would probably like you said like not

sit on the fence as much about stuff they'd be a bit more firm with their opinion or something but you are quite an angry man so it's probably not the best that you hey we're massively going to overrun on this podcast

because it's 47 minutes already can't fucking be with this is nearly half a day this marathon should we do a fucking sub four hour podcast

just for the sake of doing oh my fucking god cool should we move on to muggles Do a fucking sub-four-hour podcast. Oh, my fucking God. Cool. Shall we move on to moguls? Yeah, let's do a couple of quick moguls. But one thing I want to say about the fucking marathon while we're here is well done, London. Like, everyone says London doesn't have a sense of community or anything,

but during the marathon, for one day of the year, the fucking community in London is fucking amazing. Everybody coming out and handing out drinks and food and snacks and just everything to the runners getting behind everyone and as well

encouraging people is fucking great because you see them going slow and you turn up and everybody's got their name on the top you see someone

like fucking Jake or whatever and you'll be like go on Jake you can do it and they start picking up the speed you can actually

improve people's effort by encouraging them from the side when I was waiting there it was about 6 hours gone when I should have been waiting for my mate the speed you can actually improve people's effort by encouraging them from the side and uh when i was waiting there fucking it was about six hours gone when i should have been waiting for me mate and there was a bunch of people called linda started coming through yeah linda linda i would just like the counter to that and then hold on i will finish this thought liam whiffnill comedian amazing liam whiffniffnell comes through and where we were stood

at the 600 metre mark there was a bit of a bottleneck because there was like a crossing and bottlenecks so people have to naturally slow down

and he slowed down it was stopped you could see that's when he kind of gave up on his run 600 metres to Ghan just as we saw him he didn't know

we were watching the marathon I only knew he was there because he posted it on Facebook and I was like go on Liam and he just looked fucking amazed because he didn't

know what was going on and then he picked up and smiled and fucking sprinted for the rest of the race and he was like fucking yes mate and it's so good

getting behind people on the sidelines it's such a good event yeah but then they just fucking block up the tube man run by your house bruv yeah well it's not for

it's not for you I don't think it's for you Elliot cool do you want to start with the muggles yeah let's say let's do them real quick let's do a five minute muggle each and then we'll do some your dad jokes um but it's still gonna run um but this is one um from charlotte on twitter and i don't know if this goes in or not i think it does because of a previous one we've had in and it's very similar it's when people really get behind 420

yeah and get behind it and like because I really love the idea of there's a day of the year where you get to smoke in the park

right and everyone goes out and smokes weed and everyone's like behind it but she's like getting at the over posting of it

and everything's 420 massively and as much as I'd put myself in the mug I didn't smoke weed this 420 but as much as i'd put myself in the mug i didn't smoke weed this 420 but as much as i put myself in muggle corner because fucking any excuse is a good excuse it's what she mentioned is the americanization of it 420 it would be 24 over here 420 if people didn't know it's called 420 because the what the police would phone in for a cannabis related crime would be a 420 so for murder as a 187

for cannabis it's a 420 so they called in as a 420 so on the 4th of sorry the 20th of April 420 they have that day so it's double Americanised it's like I was taken on Thanksgiving or Black Friday it's like that's not our holiday that's what's muggly about it I think

so yeah so it would be like Thanksgiving or like, yeah. I think it's borrowing the Americanism of it. Or Black History Month or something. No, I'm joking. Don't quote me on that. Yeah, no, I fully agree with that. I find 420, everyone goes up to Hyde Park. I don't really smoke weed anymore. Like I do every now and then. 420 blazing everyone goes up to Hyde Park and when I

I don't really smoke weed anymore like I do every now and then people always when I used to smoke weed people were like

let's go Hyde Park and I was like do you know what I'd rather do rather sit in my garden and just smoke a joint like I usually do

you know and I'm sure it's cool I have a few mates who go and say it's great but I'm not I went and sat in the park

had a beer 420 drink it had a beer in the park, had a beer, 4.20 drink it. Had a beer in the park, went home, it was fucking wonderful. Just to save you guys. I went and ate some grass,

4.20 graze it. 4.20 graze it. No, I agree. I also think it must be to stoners what New Year's is to drinkers. Do you know what I mean? People who don't drink go out on New Year's, and people who don't smoke probably turn up on 420. Yeah, everyone's just a one-day smoker.

Where were you for the rest of the year? Yeah, exactly. So I'll quickly put down on that, that it's an unorganised fucking thing. Everyone's getting behind it. Everyone thinks it's cool to mention it, just post about it on social media instead of just getting high.

Where were you the rest of the year? Yes, I think it's muggly. But two, if there's a fucking day designated as smoking weed in the park, you can call it what the fuck you want. Yeah. Let's go smoke weed in the park then. What a lovely day.

Yeah. So yes, yes, it's muggly. Yes, we all do it. I've never done it. No, yes, we... Oh, it's Muggly. Yes, we all do it. I've never done it. No, yes, we... Yeah, oh, sorry. I'm projecting. Yes, I do it.

But I think she's exactly right. And like I do, like when you see the Facebook page, you can't have rebellious women. Go smoke it in a police station. Don't do that. Go fucking light it up in there. Not where there's like a thousand other stoners.

The police made zero arrests. Yeah, because... 420 tasered. Amazing. I've got muggles say things were better back in their day.

Oh, man. Yes. They think their drugs are stronger. They think their music was are stronger everything's been approved upon back in our day

you all had polio shut up nobody did anything back in your day there was no health and safety and people died it was great

people died because of their mistakes actually it does sound good but people just go oh you know and this is the one that always makes me think about it

yeah a music festival for an announcement will come like Reading they'll announce something and a bunch of people who've gone to Reading

for the last 25 years go I'm ever back in my town I want to see fucking Nirvana and Bob Marley and you're like yeah well guess what

Kurt Cobain blew his brains out so it'd be shit if they got him up there to do it wouldn't they just a fucking corpse right and it's what we're used to seeing now that the people that we're watching in these tents aren't going to be blew his brains out so it'd be shit if they got him up there to do it wouldn't they just a fucking corpse right and

it's what we're used to seeing now that the people that we're watching in these tents aren't going to be in 20 years time as big as them and music's changed

young people who are coming who want to take bills and settle with Reading and things like that are for people who have just got their GCSEs

or their A levels that's what Reading and Leeds Festival is there for bruv if you're in your 40s man stop hanging around a bunch of kids in tents They've just got their GCSEs or their A-levels. That's what Reading Leeds Festival is there for. Bro, if you're in your 40s, man, stop hanging around a bunch of kids in tents. That's what I say.

You're done. Cut off your dreadlocks. Go teach your kids how to read. What, you're saying you shouldn't go to music festivals when you're older? Get out. I'm saying go. I'm saying go, yeah? Oh, man, I think it's inclusive for everyone.

I love seeing pensioners. Listen, listen, listen. I'm saying go, yeah? One of it's inclusive for everyone i love seeing pensioners listen listen listen i'm saying go yeah like one of the best things i ever saw and you were there do you remember at latitude one year we went to we went into the woods where like the sort of rave it is and there was a rap uh a rap dj on and it was an old lady and her husband and every now and then i've been looking for him for years the old lady would just go and anyone knows who this is please tweet me because i really want to know she'll just go and now going over to the east coast take it away biggie and she was just some old dude and she just started she started mixing so i'm saying that's cool but like don't turn up and start going oh do you remember and she started going oh do you remember back when it was like no i don't because i wasn't

there let me enjoy this I remember at Best of All I was there I'd lost all my mates and my phones had died but I'd let them know where I was just before my phone died

so I'm fucking waiting I'm watching Fab Boy Slim and I'm chewing my face off and this old boy come up to me and he gives us a drink of water out of his camel pack

like he had a backpack on with a water thing and he gives us a drink and he just went oh man I bet that's nice I used to love doing X back in the day and he gives us a drink and he just went oh man i bet that's nice i used to love doing x back in the day he gives a drink like he's spotting and he remembered when he did it before probably had a heart complaint and sort of he just like gives a sip of water

because he knew that's just what i needed and i love the how multi-generational the festivals are after a gig on friday i went to a rave and me and my mates we found this lad and he was 18 years old and he lost his mates and we just adopted him and I went come on mate come with us he was like

oh is that cool and I was like yeah yeah I was like oh I remember when I used to be like a 16 year old you get lost from your mates

you couldn't get nostalgic with someone yeah we took him around and he had a great time nice little young boy he has something about to get back

and reinforce your point about it was better back in my day. If you had someone who was better in the 80s or better in the 90s, you'd go, you didn't have Wi-Fi? If you think it was better then, don't use Wi-Fi. It's optional to carry on as it was in the 90s and the 80s without Wi-Fi, but you wouldn't do it.

You know why? Because it's not as good. It's optional to go back to that. Imagine just having to ring someone on the telephone and go i'm gonna be here at this time and turning up and going i hope they come yeah fuck i remember that a little bit like i used to go and uh i would ring people's houses right before my old phones and uh there was my mate's mom worked at home so between the hours of nine and five i couldn't ring his house because it was a work phone

right and I was like under strict instructions to do that and I fucking whacked his house to knock on him the other side of Blythe

and when I got there his mum was like just went to yours and he sat on my step I'm sat on his step we're both waiting for each other to come home

it's fucking ridiculous and that's how people lived I just got a glimpse into that world as a child that's how fucking adults went on yeah a glimpse into that world as a child that's how fucking adults went on yeah man

yeah so things are better now the quality of life is so much better now granted as long as you're white and live in the western world

and a man and then things are tough but yeah when people I don't like to move on so quick when it's such a

good topic but I'm willing to put that in a muggle corner saying that it's not as good back in your day you are wearing rose tinted goggles Mark Nelson Mark Nelson this is especially for you dedicated get over it Oasis aren't that great

as well everything from the 90s all the music you can still listen to it now it's not like it's gone it was better because you were's gone oh bro it was better because you were young that's why it was better yeah that's why it was better

you had less responsibilities you were just able to do stuff you went to the gym a few times a week you could eat what you want and now you've got a mortgage you didn't know

the health ramifications of eating too much sugar so you just ate sweets and didn't even feel bad about it you just thought you'd say yeah fuck it I'll do a marathon

for that kid. Why not? All right, should we do some dad jokes? Oh, can I plug? Let's plug some stuff. Cool. Do you want to go first with your plugs?

Yeah, I'm going to be on a stag do next week in Faro. When do I want to come? I am in Portugal. It's not Maine, it's Bruce's. It's fucking kind of weird.

And then I come back, I'm going to be doing the punch drunk run in May. It's going to be good. Dave fucking Longley's on it. Yeah well we've mentioned dave longley's podcast on this podcast check it out and he is going to be at punch drunk like so there's people who would have listened to him who are going to get to see him live and that's going to be made he's joined by rich wilson oh beautiful and it's going to be fucking great um i've got again a preview uh oh i'm actually doing like a good lot

I've got a good load of new stuff that I can't wait to do on May the 3rd that's a Thursday at Top Secret it's free just come along

it'd be great to have you there and also this weekend if you live in the Brighton area I'm going to be at the Comedia one of the best

gigs in the world on with John Maloney and The Noise Next Door just a fucking belting lineup there's a good night out for you so that's Brighton

this weekend yeah that's all I've got to plug actually I've got loads of stuff but none of you are going to come to these gigs in the middle of nowhere

right here we go your dad Mark Steele the six inch the six inch heels have snapped on your dad's knee high boots but he still cracks on

wearing them did a marathon in it didn't beat Demas no no one did Mo Farah Mo Farah did it in two hour fifteen

Demas is saying an hour and forty five your dad got a face tattoo of little pump oh no is that the white dreadlock guy oh i don't know yeah is he dead no no he's just he's just a rapper man things were better back in your day you

won't know your dad chants there's no black in the union jack because there isn't and he's completely oblivious to the racial connotations of what he's saying your dad had tickets to see Avicii in June. Oh no! Your dad's penis has a fingernail. Your dad threw your mum down the stairs after he lost a game of Fortnite. Your dad keeps tucking his shirt in for me as an excuse to put his hands down my trousers. Your dad had tickets to see Verne Troyer in July. 2016, when will you win?

Your dad found a lump on his sister's tit. Your dad watches YouTube videos on how to kickflip your dad's the reason they stopped putting toys in cereal

because he kept choking on them and chipping his teeth your dad's dance moves is just him skidding on the floor and his knees your dad's got such

a crush on his legs bums and tums and struck now Your dad's wedding speech was an extract from Mein Kampf Your dad has a condom in his wallet that's out of date Your dad had tickets to see Dale Winton in August Your dad isn't tall enough to get on the Nemesis. That's why he was going to see

Verne Troy or something. Solidarity. Your dad calls 99 flakes 69 flakes and he's no longer allowed to sell

ice cream. Your dad never sucked his thumb as a kid but he did suck his finger all the time whilst never breaking

eye contact with strangers after buying tickets to see his three favourite artists and all of them died your dad believes he was cursed so then he bought tickets

to your fringe show and then what a great time 6.45 Guild of Balloon every day from I don't even know what time it is

it is Guild of Balloon though and I am doing the fringe let's plug that tickets have gone on sale you should know this tickets have gone on sale I just haven't started doing it yet

because everyone's been plugging that fringe show and I just I'm kind of just going to wait for the initial influx of people plugging that fringe show to pass

and then getting the thing but this is me being lazy really Demus reckons he's already sold his out I was going to wait for the initial influx of people plugging up in Shorter Pass and then getting the thing, but this is me being lazy, really. Demas reckons he's already sold his out. Fucking hell. After a slow start. The thing with Demas' show, the first 30 ain't that great, but the last half hour is exceptional. It flies by.

Right, let's wrap up this podcast. It's a shame we're over right now because we've actually got so much more to talk about, but let's do another podcast podcast there's a shame we'll run out because I actually have so much more to talk about but let's do another podcast before the end of the week wicked cool bye bye

love you