Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.39 Homecoming

Episode Date: May 2, 2018

Daniel Sloss is finally back from his 3 month trip to Australia and America providing this podcast from sunny Scotland with old chum Gareth "G-Tip" Waugh who has 4 days left of his day job before joining the ranks as a professional joke slinging comedian. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Hello, welcome back to the podcast.

It's Sloss and Humphries on the road with me, Daniel Sloss. And I am back from fucking three and a half months away, back in scony Botland with my good friend, Gareth Wall. We've not seen each other for ages for three months for three and a half months it's been a long one and in that time you just came back

you brought around Iron Brew and then we ignored each other to write all of the stuff one of those situations where we were like don't say too much to each other let's save all of this gold for the podcast that's put a lot of pressure on it oh yeah because now if there's any lull in it it's like

oh are we that good mates no then what you been up to nothing oh well it's been a great catch that's a short point

you have been bubble corner now you have been complaining about the quality of the podcast so I was doing yeah well the thing is I haven't listened to them for a long

time I haven't listened to any of the ones that Kai and Elliot have done just because I didn't have enough time I wasn't going to the gym so

that's normally and I wasn't driving those are the two places I listen to podcasts and I'm glad I missed some of them because by the sounds of some

of them they've been saying some horrible fucking things I'm not fully caught so like the reason I didn't is because Kai got me into some of them they've been saying some horrible fucking things I'm not fully caught so like the reason I didn't is because Kai got me into audiobooks so

I've been listening to them a lot more what have you been listening to I listened to a really good one called Ragdoll by Daniel Cole I got

Kai onto that proper mint check that out and then there was a sequel Hangman and then loads of Terry Pratchett ones but then they've

changed the narrator on the books now so I've had to buy the book because I'm like well the characters voices will all be different

oh really so now you're just doing them in your own head yeah that's a fucking shire if they change it over

it's always like I remember whenever I read comic books and they'll just change artists halfway through and it's like no

you can't do that like it's like when I'm fucking someone halfway through do I tap out and just bring someone else and I'm fucking someone, halfway through, do I tap out and just bring someone else and I'm like, still sex,

like, no, I went to, I was fucking you. Yeah, yeah, right. You were the,

no, but you're still getting laid. No, but I was fucking you. Oh, why are you being such a sensitive Sally? Aye.

Um, so yeah, I'm catching up on them. Um, quit my job. You've got, how many days left of your job? Four.

Four days, and you're about to, because you're about to go full time in the old, in the old stand up game. I'm going to be a full time, quit my job you've got how many days left of your job four four days and you're about to go full time in the old stand up game I'm going to be a full time unemployed person

oh man I can't tell you being a I'm looking forward to you being a full time comedian because it means whenever I message

you at 11 in the morning and say do you want to play Fortnite the answer will be yes and now whenever we sesh in fact i'm gonna be less

impressed because i was about to say it means you can sesh more but normally what happens is especially during the exact same time i will give it to you there's some days when you would just be like i've gotta go home to bed i've got to get i were asleep and i'm like you are not getting yeah uh that's very true i think it was it was one time I was sat with you and Kai here and it was like 8 in the morning and you said you're acting like

your show is not at half 1 in the afternoon yeah yeah that's true but it's at 3 in the afternoon this year so an extra hour to half in bed

fuck yeah so are you taking your job seriously in this last week oh god no like I don't understand. When you're handing your notice,

they should just let you go then because it's just going to be a week of what are you going to do for me? Yeah. So it's been four weeks. I don't think I've showed up on time for the last two. Great. The first day that I wasn't showing up on time,

I'd messaged my boss and was like, I'm going to be late. And he oh did you get caught with some admin workers and are you working for a moment and I was like no I'm in bed I'm just honest with him and he went fair enough it's like you know when you get to the end of a relationship

where you know it's over and the other person doesn't know it's over and you don't do anything drastic like you know cheat on them or anything horrible to force but you're just like if this relationship

I'm going to give you two weeks to really try and turn my opinion I'm putting in zero fucking effort at this point just like things have changed they have

and what are you going to do to fix them it's a it's a bit of a pain in the arse really there's a lot like i needed to buy a phone uh because all my phones were from work and i need to buy a car now as well oh fucks because you had a company car yeah can you oh it's nothing you can't just fucking nick it no i've got a little bump in it actually and it was maybe 400 quid to fix it yeah uh so i was trying to get it fixed and I was like going to garages like

fix this as cheap as you can I don't care if it looks like shit just let me get away with it and they were all like 400 quid and I was like fuck you what's the bump?

it's tiny it's just like right above the rear wheel and it's like have you not done the thing where you pour a kettle on it? I don't think that works does not?

no I've seen I've seen a video but I think that's a plastic kind of is your car made of metal yeah like cars are

yeah yeah I do always think like those the ones that are made of plastic they surely cannot be fucking safe safe high

like are you driving a fucking Skeletrics car all the time yeah like it's just you've just got your little fucking control I miss Skeletrics

why's that not come back because it's a bit shit ah that's probably right I do realise that no that's not true in Australia in Sydney where you're going to

in a week there's a bar called Townie and upstairs there's a fucking full Skeletrics track with four controls really

when I went to Sydney the first time a guy had made one in his house but it was made of old records the track so that's like how it moved along and you sat in a big chair a guy had made one in his house, but it was made of old records, the track.

So that's like how it moved along and you sat in a big chair. And it was kind of like early VR because you could see the screen in front of you that the car had a camera on it. Oh, so there's kind of like a little GoPro on top. Yeah, yeah. So you could see it. It was like you were driving around

this mad thing made of records. It was fucking awesome. Did they, when it was going, this is how stupid I am, when you said it was made of records, I was like, oh cool, so it played music records it was fucking awesome did they when it was this is how stupid I am when you said it was made of records I was like oh cool so it played music

when it was going like it's just got a little extra needle coming off of it I reckon they could do that they can I don't know my dad's going to phone me up the second this podcast comes out

and explain to me why that wouldn't work but you know what should yeah I think so there's no reason for it not to yeah prove us wrong

yeah same thing you know if thing if you hold a fucking needle in your hand and you put it on a record player you sing the song if you open your mouth

yeah or if you fart oh yeah just comes out very very tunefully do you reckon Scale Edges is one of those things

that I only think it's good because the last time I played it was probably when I was a kid yeah because I remember

Kinects used to be the tits oh I love Kinects yeah I preferred that to Lego it was way better I played it was probably when I was a kid yeah because I remember Kinects used to be the tits oh I love Kinects yeah I preferred that to Lego it was way better than Lego it was absolutely better than Lego oh that's something

you know what we're not at Muggle Corner yet and I wish I'd put this in my one but I'll just leave this in there see adults that fucking like Lego yeah it's weird alright go on then

go on it's so expensive as well I I go shops and I'm like yeah no wonder because you charge 500 quid for a box

yeah it's probably the nerds come along and like I'm going to make the millennium falcon it's always yeah it's like I think they've nailed it

because they've just basically cornered the market on like it's yeah it's probably I don't know like maybe I'm just impatient maybe I'm just

I don't know I just where would I I don't think I could ever genuinely I think you've got to be a dad or a mum or it's like hipster jigsaw aye I don't think I could ever genuinely I think you've got to be a dad or a mum or

it's like hipster jigsaw aye kind of like you're not going to sit and do a jigsaw but somehow because it's a spaceship

and it's 3D it's cool I just don't know how like as a maybe you have to be in a relationship for it to work and maybe like

it's just something that you don't drink or whatever yeah I don't think with a fucking straight face I could bring a girl back to... I'd be like, she's like,

should I take my shoes off? And I'm like, at your own fucking peril. I am midway through Helms Deep at this point. I remember when Liam Withnail first got sober, he started doing jigsaws, and I was like, mate, you don't have to go full stereotype but he was like halfway through this massive one it was on his coffee table in his flat

and i nicked the piece and hid it in the flat yeah and then didn't tell him till afterwards so and then ages later i went so how's the jigsaw coming along he was like oh i fucking can't find one of the pieces and i went yeah i've hid it and he was like what and i was like i've hid it where how's it in your flat so he like had to search this whole flat i put it underneath a can't find one of the pieces. And I went, yeah, I've hid it. And he was like, what? And I was like, I've hid it. Where? I was like, in your flat. So he like, had to search his whole flat.

I put it underneath a candle. So it was like a little tea light inside a holder and I put it underneath that. So I was like, he'll find it eventually if he lights his candle. He pinned it,

didn't he? No, I don't know. I can't remember what happened with that, but he was proper angry. He was like, what a dick move. But you'd like,

look, yes, it's a dick move, but only because you were doing an immensely lame thing yeah yeah like in the same thing like i reckon like if i was to go to someone's like if i was to go someone's house and just rip a page out their bible and they would be like oh that was my next chapter it's like look what happened here yeah it's just such a late no jigsaw is no lego and i know there'll be nerds that listen to this but my dad included that'll be like

no no no you don't get it you're like no I do not get it but I mean I get it like Laura's nephew what would you want

I don't think I'd want anything but I mean I wouldn't like if somebody got me some Lego I'd be like that's important if someone was to buy me Lego

like I guarantee like if at Christmas you bought me a Lego thing that would be the first thing I did because it's fucking Christmas day

and if I was doing it with my brothers and my dad I just cannot for the life of me imagine a life where I

drive to a store and I'm just surrounded by kids that are up to my waist and I'm like no this is also for me yeah yeah there's something about that

but yeah Laura's nephew got one at Christmas a couple of years ago and I sat and built it with him and I had a great time yeah yeah there's something about that but yeah Laura's nephew got one at Christmas a couple of years ago and I sat and built it with him and I had a great time yeah

yeah how big was it how big a motorbike it was just a little one so it only took us like half an hour by the way it was still like fucking

50 or 60 quid like disgusting yeah it was a lot of money I think we bought them some Lego and it was stupid money

like 20 quid for a tiny little box I do have have you watched that lame TV show the Lego Masters no

they do some pretty fucking impressive shit it's like the great British break off but for Lego so it's basically

they go right here's literally every Lego bit that's ever existed go and make a cannon and all the

and like it's in that situation like oh so this is going to be a bunch of old fucking nerds it's not all kids it's like 7 year old kids who can build a fucking cannon and then there's in that situation like, oh, this is going to be a bunch of old fucking nerds. It's not all kids.

It's like seven-year-old kids who can build a fucking cannon. And then there's just, there's like one mum with like an overbearing mother with a child. But like he loves Lego. And the kid's like, I've never known any other life. He's so clearly like homeschooled. And it's just like, and this is what we do at recreation. And he's like, this is the first human contact I've had outside of my mother. This is amazing.

What's a camera? What is television? What were we talking about? Oh, a bunch of stuff. We can go back to any of them. Scale-etrics. Literally, scale-etrics and Lego. We're catching up from when we were five.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's start there. It's been a while since we've seen each other. Yeah, I was in a oh yeah thank you to everyone who came to my show in Parth

and in Sydney and everywhere but everywhere but Adelaide yeah everywhere but Adelaide is that you don't like it nah

I don't think I've ever been to and I haven't been to Adelaide I think one of the problems with Adelaide is at the time when the Adelaide Comedy Festival was on the Prince Festival

there were seven other festivals and I'm not kidding when I say there were seven other festivals on at the same time like they've just saturated the fucking market and maybe it was my ego

but like I've just like I've been going to Australia for years and I love it there it is one of my favourite places to gig and just everywhere I go it's like sold out crowds

and they're great and like 60 or 70% of the audience know who I am so it's just easy I'm just a spoiled little brat you tell me that when Adelaide and it's like sold out crowds and they're great and like 60 or 70% of the audience know who I am so it's just easy I'm just a spoiled little brat you tell me that when Adelaide

and it's like a Thursday and they go 60 and I go 60 and I'm just like but I don't and it wasn't a decent room and they just there was one day

it was the weirdest fucking gig I've ever had in my life one of those humble ones a Saturday night a Saturday night in Adelaide I go ladies and gentlemen please come on stage

down at Sloss nobody cheers I walked onto silence at my own gig and I was like what what what

like is this a fucking is Aspen Couture here this is dead fucking I mean it turned out to be fine but I'm just like yeah like when Adelaide is ruined

by the rest of Australia being so fucking good like once you've done a fucking week in Brisbane and even fucking Canberra is a great gig and stuff like this

second year so you used to just walk out to these people and be like yay and you go down and they're like

there's other stuff we could have seen and I'm like I wish you'd seen it I also wish you were there I look forward so yeah I'm going to Sydney

in a week from now and you're going back to give them what and you're going back to give them what for yeah you're going to perform at the

comedy store in Sydney where I used to work pulling pints yeah I did my first gig there I told you that

story I don't think so so yeah I worked behind the bar they had this new act thing called Raw

oh yeah is that the new competition yeah most of the nights was pretty good but there was one night where they were all terrible they all sucked and i mean i could be as bad as that so i started writing jokes from that point and then jack barrett yeah he saw me writing stuff so he knew i was writing gags and he went man we're gonna get you up there one day and i was

like oh i don't know i'm just writing gags so then one Friday when I was off he was like I'm hosting come down so I came down started drinking he was like we're doing it tonight you're getting up tonight

I was like okay cool so we waited for the manager to go down and have a cigarette because you've got to go down to like the bottom of the club on the second floor

so he went and had a cigarette and he brought me on to do five before the headliner introduced me as just one best newcomer at the fringe never done a gig great at this point and then as I come off for the headliner, introduced me as, just one best newcomer, at the Fringe,

never done a gig, great, at this point, and then as I come off, the manager walked in, from his cigarette, so like, I got busted,

it'd be like, can you imagine somebody, at the stands, just getting up on a Friday night, with nobody upstairs, you'd be like, what the fuck are you doing, yeah,

yeah, probably, it wasn't a beginner's night, it's like, the biggest club, in Sydney, yeah, and one of the best in the world, genuinely. A Friday night, which is like their premiere show,

and some cunts just getting up going, so it's pretty hot here, right? How did it go? Oh man, I was hammer drunk. I was so drunk. I think in five minutes, probably three of it was okay. Yeah. And two was just garbage

but because I had an accent I kind of got away with it yeah yeah yeah and afterwards that was great for your first time yeah yeah yeah and that's when you got

bitten by the bug and now you get to go back there is a legit act yeah yeah and man if you do worse I mean there's a chance I will

like you've just like literally because it'll be your first oh no apart from Saturday Saturday will be your first, oh no, apart from Saturday, Saturday will be your first gig as a full-time stand-up.

Yeah, Friday, yeah. Oh, well, yeah, no, Friday.

Friday, yeah, yeah, yeah. My Twitter header picture is still my name. You know how the stores got like that old board

where you clip the letter from? Yeah, yeah, yeah, real old school. So I used to do that as like a job at the start of the show.

I'd put everyone's names up and on my last shift I'd put up my name and stood in front of it like next time it'll be up here for real and it is

yeah I predict these tings so yeah I saw I saw Carl Canane at the Sydney Comedy Store

oh no it was Tuesday Wednesday so it was on Anzac Day it was Wednesday it was Anzac Day in Australia I'll get on to Anzac Day in a second

and like Anzac Day is It was Wednesday. It was Anzac Day in Australia. I'll get on to Anzac Day in a second. And, like, Anzac Day is just a day where the Aussies, they fucking drink all day long. And the comedy store is, like, it's right beside a fucking football stadium and a bunch of pubs. So you just knew

there was going to be fucking bleed out. But Kinane walks on. Kinane's fucking fairly famous. He's got his own audience. He walks on and there's a drunk woman in the front row but she's quiet

and drunk she's just very drunk he's asking about the game 2 Up and then he's like she's like what the fuck is this game

and she's just like hey so you you get to call and the second she opens her mouth I'm at the back of the room

with fucking Sean Patton and a bunch of other comics the second she opens her mouth we all go the back of the room with fucking Sean Patton and a bunch of other comics the second she opens her mouth we all go oh god like one of those ones you go

this is going to be the worst five minutes of this show because you are awful like nothing you say is good you're not even going to be funny you're just annoying so Canaan just

the good part he's like just doesn't want to insult her because she's clearly drunk but keeps trying to get her involved and she just doesn't shut the fuck up and he just moves on and then honestly

she just puts her hand up and she goes I think I could say something and Kanane goes okay and everyone goes no and the audience audibly go no and she gets up and she is steaming fucking drunk and she just gets the mic

and she's there and then the and she just gets the mic and she's that sir the fit and then the security immediately scruff of the neck out you fight she's like I didn't even you're on the stage you dumbass can't I do really want to know what she was gonna say because it might have been beautiful imagine she just fucking gone into some really good opera just upstage can name absolute properly I feel I have sympathy for her because I did it and got away with it. Yeah, that's true actually.

I did the exact same thing. Look, in nine years time, she's not going to have that moment where she's like, I was here once and then I came back and I'll do it all again. How long did you live in Australia for?

It was like eight months, I think. So were you there for any Anzac Day yeah yes I played too so you played so I love to I've never played

I've been in Australia 7 times on Anzac Day and I've just never I've always been too hung over I've just been like I don't wanna I don't wanna

fucking go to a busy pub in the fucking afternoon but a friend out there Ella she's just in case we're hanging out

and fuck me did I get into that game so god it's so good for those that don't know the game two up basically it's just in the middle of a fucking pub there's a guy and they just it's a square floor and there's a paddle and you put uh two coins on it right uh one heads up one tails and then what you do is is you stand on the side and if you want to bet on heads, you put like a $10 note and you tap it off your head and then someone will come up and give you a 10 and that's them betting you that it's going to come up two tails.

So you take the money. If you win, you keep the money. If it comes up tails, they have to find you and get the money off of you. And there's the honor. I've never saw anyone try and scam anyone. The honor in the game is amazing for people that are steaming drunk. So they fill the coin.

If it's heads and tails, it cancels. You do it again. Comes up both heads. You win. Both tails, they lose. And so I was in there. Lost my first one. And then got myself up to like a hundred.

Oh, really? Oh, man. then got myself up to like 100. Oh, really? Oh, man. I got myself up to a fucking hundred. And a guy put 50 on his head, and I was like, I will absolutely take that fucking bet. Yeah. And then it fucking came up tails. And he was like, ah, it sucks to be ill. Like, yeah, yeah.

And he bought me a drink. He was like, no. Real honest, he was like, you took the bet. I fucking respect that. I'll buy you a drink. I'm like, this is a fucking great day. Yeah, yeah. I worked myself back up to 100, right? And another and then another one i went it's not gonna happen twice taps on his

fucking head and i'm like right straight in say exact same thing happens it's like seven rounds where it comes up head tails one time it goes out it was both tails and i was like yeah but one got out devastated he fucking wins it again this other guy buys me a drink. I get myself back up to 100. The guy goes, last game. And I'm like, 100%, I'm putting everything on it. And you wouldn't believe this twist of fate. I lost it on the first toss. It was just... But still fucking great.

But I can see how people lose heinous amounts of money on that game. Because it's one of the it's so simple it's not like or fucking Scrabs or whatever that fucking game's called

yeah I've never played Craps Craps always looks like the funnest game in the world it's the one you always see in like American TV shows and movies

yeah and he's got two girls on his arm and they blow in the dice baby yeah snake eyes and you're like what does that mean

is that good did we all win the snake hips and they blowing the dice baby yeah snake eyes and you're like what does that mean is that good did we all win but snake hips and they do not lie so that's Shakira hips sorry sorry same thing

fucking Shakira snitch I don't know Shakira I take that back she might listen she might she might she's a big fan

of the podcast we have a thousand listeners and Shakira is one of them. We'll retweet it once in a while. Yeah, Jesus. Get the number up. She must be on the Twitter. She probably does it in Spanish.

On the Twitter? On the Twitter. Are you 1,000 years old? I am 1,000 years old. I'm going to have to leave Twitter soon, I think. Are you? Yeah, either that, or I'm going to start paying someone to do my social media. I've realised that the only reason I'm on Twitter is to fuel my hatred of the world.

Right, yeah. Like, all I do is I'm not keeping up to date. I go on Facebook to fuel my rage of my friends who I'm not friends with. Yeah. Because all my real friends don't actually post that much on Facebook because they know how pointless Facebook is.

I just go on there to work out what comedians I fucking hate. Yeah. When I just see them put that, I'm like, oh, that's a valid opinion. Cool, enjoy your fucking echo chamber and then on on Twitter

all I do is I just find something that's not even controversial I'm just going to read all the replies to this just because

my Twitter feed itself is just funny fucking people and occasionally retweets and I'm like this is quite nice and then I'm just

going to go down a dark fucking hole of all the dregs of fucking society just all the worst peoples of fucking society. Just all the worst people in the world. And you forget that they all exist. Yeah, that's true.

I try and not read any comments and stuff. I had a really nice moment on Facebook, actually. Last weekend, I was down in Liverpool and I met up with Milo McCabe and Tom Houghton. But on my way down, I was getting trained down and I think tickets had just went on sale for my French show as well and I don't know it was something

about travelling down to Liverpool it felt like I first kind of like I just it was the first time travelling since quitting my job

and I just had a rush of like imposter syndrome and I was just like fuck you've been getting away with this for too long now that it's real

now I would say oh fuck like I'm literally giving up a job with three phones and three cars I was like fuck people are going to find out that you're just getting job with three phones and three cars I was like fuck

people are going to find out that you're just getting away with this shit soon

and then our agent had put up a thing on my Facebook page for the friend show

and there was loads of maybe like five people that I didn't know tagging their

friends saying oh remember we saw this guy last year we should definitely

go again and I was like that's so nice five people and it changed my whole day I was like fucking hell that's so nice yeah and five people and it changed my whole day I was like cool

let's go yeah that is always a nice one whenever like yeah whenever people tag their mates into something you post you're like

oh look at you you've got a little grip about me you've got a little bunch of fans aren't you yeah it was weird I remember we met this guy at the fringe I was like

fuck I don't remember me and you but do you remember that guy that was the really badinge. I was like, fuck, I don't remember me and you. Do you remember that guy that was the really bad kisser? You're like, all right. Hey, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey. I might be bad, but I put in a lot of effort.

Yeah, yeah. My heart's in it. I may be a bad kisser, but I've got a fast arse. I don't know if anything else interesting happened to me while I was in it's it's quite a big chunk of time innit so it's like trying to think you're like

what were the highlights I mean it's all fucking great but they did get to a point it was the last week of Melbourne where I was just like I always get a point where I just go

and I'm done yeah because I'd gone to America first yeah and I was there for seven weeks and there was just because normally I'll do that and then I'll come home for at least a week and then I'll go back out so there's some sort seven weeks and there was just because normally I'll do that and then I'll come home

for at least a week and then I'll go back out so there's some sort of bit of mark but it was just you just get to the point and it's such a good illusion for a while

because you always go to a new place and you're like hey first week I was with Peggy Lucas and Nick Cody Gene was there next week I was with

Luke Heggie and Nick Cody then I was in Melbourne and everyone was there and then after five weeks of it you're like oh this isn't where I live and oh I can tell you this this is oh fuck it let's tell the story of the podcast Melbourne and everyone was there and then after five weeks of it you're like ah this isn't where I live yeah yeah

and oh oh I can tell you this this is oh fuck it let's tell the story of the podcast I have realised I have accidentally I was accidentally

rock and roll diva oh wait so I got my place in Melbourne yeah and just a fucking flat

up and within two weeks I was like I've lost the deposit on this just a fucking flat up and within two weeks I was like I've lost the deposit on this I didn't trash the place but it was just like I remember once I was eating lasagna on the couch and I spilled my lasagna and then I tried to rub out the thing and I was like

I'll wash these before I leave and then I friends ran and one of them spilled red wine on the carpet and we tried to get the fucking stain out and red wine is the carpet and we tried to get the fucking stain out and red wine is an absolute bitch to get out of the fucking thing

and then I just didn't put white wine on it just utter laziness not it was never there was never a massive party

it was never a happy party it was two or three people over the house but just it accumulated stains all over and then it was

like the last day and then Jean was in town and I just fucking forgot to clean the place. So I woke up hungover on the Sunday and just looked at the couch and I was like, yeah, that's bad.

I fucking scrubbed as much as I could and it just wasn't, same with the fucking carpet. I was like, it's not that bad. And I was like, I don't have time to take the fucking bins out but then I had like all this fucking weed left over and I was like, I can't just, I can't leave time to take the fucking bins out but then I had all this fucking weed left over and I was like I can't leave the bins in the

I can't leave the bins in the room with the weed in the bin because they'll smell the weed so what I'll do is I'll flush the weed down the toilet so I go and put the weed in the toilet and I go to flush it and then I just have this thing that comes over me and goes don't be such a lazy fucking cunt take the fucking bins downstairs and give the stains another fucking go

just do your fucking best you're hungover you might as well so I go down and give the stains another fucking go just do your fucking best yeah you're hung over you might as well I was like right so I go down pay the bins and I'm up there I'm scrubbing the floor

as much as I can it's just not coming out I'm like oh fuck okay and then I do as best I can oh and also I stained one of the I think it

I think she thought it was blood during the there was the comedians FIFA tournament I was supporting I got an hour talking about Nick Cody from the final so it was blood yeah during the there was the Comedians FIFA tournament I was supporting I got an article

about Nick Cody from the final I was supporting him so it was blood yeah I killed so many people who just didn't know what it was about

it was utterly utterly utterly unjustified no I got a red sharpie and just wrote Nick number one on my chest

and then Nick with three goals down so I scrolled that out and then wrote Mitch number one because he was the one that was in the lead and then I got day drunk

and then I slept on the white thing and it all rubbed off and I washed the sheets three fucking times and it just didn't come out so I was like I'm not going to run the risk

I'll just I've washed this but I'll now just sleep on this one just in case there's any more stains I've only ruined one and then I forgot

to change the bedding so this poor fucking woman who runs the Airbnb turns up sees all the stains on the floor sees all the stains on the couch sees all the stains on the bedding so this poor fucking woman who runs the Airbnb turns up sees all the stains on the floor sees all the stains on the couch

sees all the stains on the thing she goes this place is trashed then I realised as I left I hadn't flushed the weed down the toilet

I put it in the toilet and then I had my I'm going to do the right thing you're the laziest man in the world you got the weed in the toilet

I flushed it once but it didn't go down because it's all it's very light the manager well that'll deal with itself so this poor woman

and apparently she phoned my agent up in tears being like he's absolutely decimated the place and Breed tells me my agent

I'm just like I am very sorry that's not what you should have to deal with and then Breed showed me all the photos and then we both went she was being a bit

of a drama queen but now that I know I definitely have that fucking reputation now. I'm just... You're quite a stained fella. I'm quite a stained fella. You're like a church window.

The stains just seem to emanate around you. Oh, mate. I'm a nightmare to eat with as well. I was eating with Jean the other day, and she was just like, how do you do it? And I was like, what do you mean? She goes, you're not even eating spaghetti, and you somehow have mints on your cheek it and I was like what do you mean she goes you're not even eating spaghetti and you somehow

have mints on your cheek and I'm like that is impressive all I've had is a glass of water it's somehow I don't know I remember growing up

and watching my dad and just watching him be the messiest eater and my mum getting so annoyed at him and she's like fucking hell I don't know how my dad does it

and now I'm that man now I'm just I've just got fucking stains I don't know how it's done I've got I don't know what this is also there's phlegm yeah there's phlegm in my poo there's what oh it's mucus in my poo I might have to go to the doctor I don't think it's phlegm that's what's the difference between phlegm and mucus uh I don't know well uh I don't know I just well because I googled phlegm

in my poo and it went did you mean mucus and I went I went, probably. Yeah, yeah. I think, yeah. It just looks like, it looks like, I don't know what it is. I'm going to get it checked out. I've googled it and it's not cancer. You know you're safe when, because normally whatever you type into Google, you're going to die immediately. And this one went, nah, you're alright. This one went. Your asshole's got a cold. Yeah, it's just use more tissues on it.

Just blowing, I'm just blowing. Every time I fart, I'm just blowing every time i fart i'm just blowing my asshole yeah just sneezing from my ass uh yeah so i googled it it's either crohn's disease which definitely is not or it's just a bacterial infection which makes sense because i've not been healthy for fucking three months but like it does look like spider-man's just been like keeping my poos together. It looks like my poos were about to break apart and he was like,

no! And he's just webbed them together. Really running out of job is that guy. Yeah, look. Oh, hell! I'm finally being with Spider-Man.

It's real weird, yeah. No, no, I'll keep it up. It's because, yeah, it's Edinburgh Spider-Man that's not enough skyline for him to, like, he can't go between buildings

in Edinburgh. So he's just, he's like, look, I've got to fucking use that. I need to do something. I've got to fucking use this I need to do something I've got to do

something I'll get kicked out of the guild it's just sometimes I'll be in Pizza Express and I'll break a breadstick

and he'll be like I've got I'm not I want to eat this it's fine only half of it I trapped my

pinky in a door at the stand party it's getting a bit better now the whole thing was black for a long time

and one of the worst pains I've ever had in my life yeah horrific i was stood like leaning on the door and just all cool walked out yeah yeah you know how that leads and uh somebody opened the door and i didn't really think anything of it that's why we call you the the living turn of geyser fuck you and um i came out and I would like burst all the blood vessels and then it was so and I would like

went outside and I was like fuck it I just caught my finger in the door and they were like put ice on it and then I was hammered

so it was alright and I woke up the next day and I was just so painful I was like this is the worst pain ever I've broke bones and stuff before

and it was way worse than that and I was googling it because I was like do I need to get that blood that's under the nail out

and loads of things were saying yeah drill a hole in your nail what was saying drill a hole in your nail to release the pressure from the blood

there's drill a hole in your nail that was Laura's reaction right I was ready to do it with a drill well not like an electric one just like a little

just a tiny little hole okay just to get all the blood and stuff out. And Laura was like, absolutely fucking not, you're not doing that. Yeah. And I went,

but it seems quite bad. She was like, yeah, you might lose it. And I was like, I don't want to lose a fingernail. So, but I listened to her. Yeah, you know how I am.

Otherwise I won't be on the next season of RuPaul's Drag Race. And that's my dream, Laura. I've gone full time. I'm going to scratch the side of my dream Laura I've gone full time I'm going to scratch the side of my nose I've done that saying that

with your disgusting thing about drilling it I've done that I dropped something on my toe months and months ago and the whole nail was like black

and I was like that's bad yeah yeah but then I just sort of let it grow and I just saw it gradually like

the bottom half of the nail was coming up and then it was fine and I got to just the top bit and I just saw it gradually like the bottom half of the nail was coming up and then it was fine and I got to just the top bit and I just got like you know the sharp bit you know you get that little

thing for under your nails and your nail clippers yeah yeah yeah and literally I went I wonder what will happen if I just poke it and the nail had grown underneath as well

but it was just me just this foosty it was the worst fucking smell it was like Iron Man's diarrhea like just

this really fucking just chiselling this fucking black scarab shell shit and one of those things

where you're like this is disgusting and I don't know why I'm enjoying it yeah yeah yeah it's like people that enjoy popping blackheads

yeah it's pretty grim Laura I mean she won't listen to this. She's never listened, so it's fine. She did a half marathon recently and she ended up with a blister and it went under her toe and her toenail fell off.

God, no! God, that's awful. No. Yeah, I mean, it wasn't too bad, right? But it was grim for ages, right? And then it fell off. And she's going gonna fucking murder me if she ever knows

I tell her this story a few days later she was like guess what I found and she'd found her toenail in our flat and she was like

eh it was like the horrible little crisp that nobody wants to eat oh god it was so bad of the big toe or the leg

I don't think it was I think it was like the deputy the deputy the deputy? yeah like just in case your big toe doesn't if in case it falls off

you reckon it was what do you think my toe was? oh yeah nice pink on for a second I went what have you been doing

kicking the thing yeah just kicking fairies yeah I should he's got pink sparkly toes yes and he doesn't mean gay people

he means actual fairies I mean actual fairies I got pink sparkly toes yes and he doesn't mean gay people he's an actual fetus I mean actual fetus I got pink sparkly toes just yeah I was at jeans and she was painting her nails and I just went why don't I do that

yeah I saw a photo of it actually I saw it happening I saw the making of yeah I've got to have sex tomorrow and I don't know how the person's going to react just take it off

use some nail varnish remember well no but no it's just the way you said that is going to react just take it off use some nail varnish remover well no but no it's just the way you said that it's so disappointing

well no no I put the effort in yeah I just think am I going to have to get into that one of those awkward conversations

where they're like why have you done that I'm just going to be like why not see this is very I think it's quite revealing I think you'll be alright aye

this is like when me and Kai are together these two podcasts are entirely different things you get one week when it's Kai revealing. I think you'll be alright. Aye. This is, like, when me and Kai are together, these two podcasts are entirely different things. You get one week where it's Kai and Ellie just being like, oh, fucking fat people aren't people, and fucking, let's go punch nerds. So I was down at the gym smashing some cunts.

Oh, I'm just being a fucking legend, and I'm just there being like, I was just bored, and I was painting my toenails pink. I think she'll see that, and then she'll want to paint your fingernails or something. Girls have got that thing when they like

putting makeup on guys oh do they yeah do they yeah I think so does it's happened to be loads

are you just Laura's Barbie I don't Laura's not done it for years surely you can't do you can't put makeup on with that much beard

it's been years since she did it but like mascara and stuff I've had mascara put on lipstick. Yeah? Yeah.

I've never had a girl do that to me. Have you not? No. I think it's quite a common thing. I think you'll be surprised. Is it?

Well, that's something that they can tweet us in because I don't think it is a common thing. You also hadn't heard of the word clapped for clapping a dog. Oh, I mean that was like

Clap a dog. You don't clap a dog. You do. You don't. You pat a dog. If you clap a dog when you say clap a dog oh I mean that was like clap a dog you don't clap a dog you do you don't you pat a dog if you clap a dog when you say clap a dog what I think of is

hey it's a dog it's a Scottish thing you clap a dog you clap a dog but like what was I at a point about that I can't remember what it was

no but I think that's common as well is it I couldn't remember the word for pat I was like what do you do for a dog oh yeah you clap a dog. Well,

if anyone, if there's any, any men out there, or women, if you're doing a fucking lesbian relationship, if your partner puts makeup on you, let us know. Yeah.

Right in PO box, whatever happened to PO boxes? Eh, what? I mean, postcards. Yeah, is that what,

no, but what, you know, when live and kicking used to, yeah, people don't send mail to big buildings anymore

don't ever tell you TV ones I think I've told this on the podcast before don't ever tell you I won a I won a portable DVD player from

Nickelodeon no I'm 90% sorry I've told this story on the podcast before I'll just do it quickly Nickelodeon were

doing a competition where they were like oh do you want to be an amateur film critic well why don't you just email and I just got a computer and I just learned email I was like quickly Nickelodeon were doing a competition where they were like oh do you want to be an amateur film critic well why don't you just email and I just got a computer and I just

learned email I was like fucking 12 or 13 I was like alright and review so I wrote in one review about a fucking movie

and I just got bored and started like trolling them before trolling was a thing and I learned that Nickelodeon do not read the emails

before they pick a winner it is genuinely they randomly pick one because I remember specifically I went I the movie I went would like to review

so 101 Dalmatians cinematically beautiful voiced by fucking whoever but I'll be honest with you by the end of the movie I wish all of those dogs

could fit in a blender because I was 13 and she starts reading it and I went in it's Daniel Sloss from Fife he says

artistically beautiful visually stunning I wish all of those and she starts reading it and I went in it's Daniel Sloss from Fife he says artistically beautiful visually stunning I wish all of those dogs could congratulations Daniel Sloss there it is I was hosting Red Raw this is bad

I was hosting Red Raw maybe a month ago right and there was a woman on I'm going to say she looked like Cruella de Vil but she didn't look

like Cruella de Vil she had like a white streak in her hair like she did and that's where the similarities end alright that's enough

and I went up and she was dying on her arse and I never like making a joke like fuck it all that was brutal because it's a bit horrible

and we've all been there so I was like I need to think of a joke to like ease the tension in the room a bit so I went up afterwards and I went whatever her name is

I went taking time out of her busy schedule of killing puppies and the whole place was like because they've always all been thinking it

and I went I got away with that I went back and I was worried she'd heard it but she hadn't she was just like do you think I was okay

and stuff and she was chatting away and I went oh thank fuck right I've totally got away with this right and then as I'm standing at the bar afterwards

she goes to leave and she said oh this is my husband and he just went alright and I went oh no and just went alright and I went oh no and he went out

and I went he's definitely about to tell her he's absolutely snitching he's absolutely snitching he's slang he looked raging with us and he's like sorry

yeah oh god alright give us one of your Muggle corners Muggles post on Facebook let's see what all the fuss is about and attach a screenshot All right, give us one of your Muggle corners. Muggles post on Facebook, let's see what all the fuss is about and attach a screenshot of like a TV programme or...

Oh! Let's see what all the fuss is about. Okay, I know you've all got your opinion on this thing so far, but allow me to give you the definitive opinion of this fucking thing. Abso-fucking-lutely, I think. It's been happening with the Avengers. Now, I am a massive

comic book fan and a massive Marvel fan. And there's not going to, for anyone that's not seen Infinite War, there's not going to be any spoilers in any plot line. But if you don't want to know what I thought of the movie, turn off for the next 30 seconds. It's the greatest thing I've ever fucking seen in my life. I have never had a cinema experience like that in my life.

I've watched it two days in a row. That's how much I enjoyed it. I've waited 10 years for this. I've watched every fucking movie. Like, this movie is everything I've loved about comic books, where you just go, it's a crossover. It's a crossover with all my favorite people. It's amazing.

It's funny. It's beautiful. It's just, like, the end of it, I was just like, it's funny it's beautiful it's just it like the end of it i was just like it's so fucking good yeah and i've just and i know i'm being muggly in this but the amount of fucks on facebook they're just like uh oh should i go a lot of fuss with this affinity war should i go say like it's not for you it's if you've not seen them all it's not for you fuck off i don't want you going to see it not understanding 70% of the references

developing an opinion based on your limited knowledge and then be like I don't see what the fuss is about of course you don't you've not seen

all the things it's like me watching the last episode of Game of Thrones being like I can get it like okay cool dragons and shit

but what was the rest of the stuff about you've missed it all it's not for you it's like people that only watch the world cup yeah

yeah those kind of plastic fans plastic fans mind you but that being said I do love when people that don't normally like football

get into football maybe I'm full of shit there I don't know I mean I'll probably not see them for anywhere it's not really like you said it's not really for me

I've not seen many of those but it's worth watching all the other ones yeah maybe do it I'm going to have a lot of time

you're going to have a lot of free time all I'm going to say is the ones you can potentially skip out on are I mean none of them just watch them

just be prepared to sit through some shit yeah it sounds good but yeah think of it like

sitting through Red Raw to watch Dylan Moran right yeah but all Dylan Moran is doing

is roasting all the other comics that were on before him right okay you've got to sit some of them

are good some of them are but you've got to watch the entire fucking show in order to

enjoy Dylan Moran set yeah I've seen a couple of them already so maybe I'll them are, but you've got to watch the entire fucking show in order to enjoy Dylan Moran's set. Yeah, I've seen a couple of them already, so maybe, yeah, I'll give it a go. I mean, it's similar taste,

I reckon like it. But yeah, I reckon that ties in. People, because that's something, people just being like, now, I'm going to have,

people, especially if it's late, like people that have just started watching Breaking Bad. Yeah, like they're trying to be hipster about shows. See what all the fuss is about.

It's like, you're too late, mate. Yeah. Like, I'm in the corner for this i popped up on my facebook memories a couple of weeks ago i'd put up a picture of the walking dead i bought all the dvds and i was like let's see what all the fuss is about yeah and uh i didn't really like the first season i like the second one which is the one everybody hated all right that's when they called it the talking dead because people like oh what they just talking it's like yeah

it's called storyline and then god I don't know how up to date you are with it but it's

fucking shit has it I think I'm just in the last season now it's dull

as fuck yeah to be fair the comics have dropped off as well oh really yeah

I'm still reading the comics just because I'm a oh really yeah I'm still reading the comics just because I'm a loyal little bitch yeah but it just seems to I was ploughing through the last half of that season

I was just like I need to watch it and I've got a group chat with some mates from school and they were like god how good is it I was like it's not good

it's not good at all there's a lot of shooting there's a lot of guns being fired the whole episode but nothing else is happening it's shit

yeah and it's just going I know who you're not going to kill off like it's just yeah Game of Thrones really fucking

mixed things up when they were just like we'll kill fucking anyone and you're like now that I no other shows do that it's too fucking safe it's like

I read or watched an interview with George RR Martin when he was talking they were like told you killed Ned off if you've not seen it now

tough fucking luck the first like book you killed him he's like the main character in that and you killed him why did you do that

he went he was the main character he went I wanted to kill him so that any time in the future if one of your favourite characters was in jeopardy

then you'd be genuinely worried that they would die yeah yeah yeah as opposed to whenever you're reading Harry Potter and Harry Potter's in danger, you're like, I know the next book is called Harry Potter and the something.

It's like you've pretty much given it the fuck away there. I've got the last Harry Potter to watch, actually. Oh, mate, I'll happily watch with you. Last two or just the last one? Just the last one. I watched the other one the other night because I was listening to the audio books thanks to this podcast

and Kai and then watching the movie afterwards but then I ended up listening to the books and then didn't watch

the last three or four so I'm catching up with that now oh mate they're so good I mean the movies aren't that great nah

they're pretty shit to be honest yeah they're not great I always think what they should do with Harry Potter is just turn it

into a fucking TV show. I think, see if I'd watched them when I was a kid, I'd probably like them a lot more now. Yeah. Watching them fresh now,

I'm just going, they're not that good. No. The books were actually great. And I'll say it, Daniel Radcliffe is not a good actor. Terrible.

He might be a good actor now, he, the worst fucking scene in any movie is, I think it's like the movie Sex where he gets the

lucky potion yeah and he drinks it and it's him talking to like whoever the fucking professor is and the professor goes Harry and he's meant to

sarcastically say like sir and it's the worst yeah I can imagine being the director there just fingers on his temple

just just Daniel Daniel just like just sarcastic yeah no i got it got it sir yeah cut daniel just okay we're gonna do it again but this time you've taken a potion you feel very lucky uh and you feel like you can get with banner you can be cheeky to your teacher yeah no i got it i got it okay I got it okay I believe you so

oh my god let's kill him off let's call the next one Hermione Granger fixes fucking everything muggles take their fucking socks off

on flights oh god I hate that I even hate when people take their shoes off on a flight I think if you're under your seat that's fine but if I see somebody walking up and down on a flight oh god I hate that I even hate when people take their shoes off on a flight oh no I think if you're

under your seat that's fine oh yes yeah yeah but if I see somebody walking up and down the plane aisle in their socks

I'm like fuck that oh no I do do that why would you fuck with that it's weird man you're too comfortable

it's a fucking 14 hour flight you wouldn't do it on a bus I've never had a 14 hour bus it's called an airbus yeah

I socks is I've never had a 14 hour bus it's called an airbus yeah I socks is I don't mind but bare feet is unforgivable especially if you're walking by with those twinkly toes I know well maybe you shouldn't have ripped them off just like if

all the lights go off and I'm like don't worry boys and girls I'll find the exit follow the toes. Aye. Yeah, no, there's a guy on my flight and he was,

he had like two seats so he was lying down and his bare feet were sticking in the thing and I'm like, fucking, you're lucky I don't have a foot fetish,

otherwise I'll just come on then. Well, I bet I would make him stop. Yeah, probably would. I bet I would. I bet I would. maybe that's how you stop

that's my hey hey put that away people are going to be put them away or I'll fucking come on them yeah

like unless you're unless you're you put them away and I'll put this away yeah you know it's a Mexican standoff unless you're a toddler

yeah also my feet swell on planes oh do they are you a proper old lady yeah they just but I don't realise

that they've swollen until I try and put my shoes back on I don't think they swell because you don't feel I'm not walking

around like a hobbit yeah like it's not like and I have to change my fucking clown shoes

but whenever I try to put my shoes back on I'm like those have definitely swollen and I don't know why you my fucking clown shoes. But whenever I try to put my shoes back on, I'm like, those have definitely swollen. And I don't know why. I don't know. You ask me quite a lot of scientific questions. And I go, yeah.

Yeah, well, I just maybe... I've not got answers. Because sometimes people answer me on Twitter. And I just believe them. Yeah, I'm bad for that. I believe it. Do you know what? Kai sometimes says stuff to me,

and I go, yeah. And no, it's not right. When I think about it later, I'm bad for that. I believe it. Do you know what? Kai sometimes says stuff to me and I go, yeah. And no, it's not right. When I think about it later, I go, no, no. But when he says it was such a commitment and he's very good at like putting a complicated point like quite simple.

I just go, yeah, fucking yeah. Yeah, and then he just goes, you're an idiot. He adds a little bit of dream powder to it as well. He's like, oh, we're all in charge of our own and I'm like yeah fuck yeah that sounds

believable you hippie fucking cunt he makes me get Hitler actually Kai makes you get Hitler alright I'm with you on this thread

he just speaks with such conviction and passion that I'm like in the moment going fucking yeah I kind of look up to him way too much

and then afterwards you're like oh my god he was saying the worst most horrific things and I listen to the podcast he's like ah fat people are fucking

yeah I've still not listened to that one I don't know if I can bring myself to just in case I agree with him much like Hitler

yes I think yeah feet in public almost anywhere is unforgivable aye unless I've got proper

nice feet me as well do you I do you can't be I do what happened about not right now

they've got a little bit of skin but that's a lovely foot isn't it you know what your nails are actually well kept I will give you that

those are nice feet like the toes are all quite in there's no bumps and lumps in there I've got a massive big toe yeah it's a hefty size it's a proper thumb that it's big it's man it's at least three times the size of my thumb this is my big toe looks like Tom from Tom and Jerry you look like a thumb in the door like Yeah, I was just going to say that. Ah! Yeah, no fee in public ever.

Unless you're at a mosque. Well, yeah, whatever. Different world for me, isn't it? For now. For now, who knows? Yeah, maybe Kyle convert me. Just be like, mate, that's just a great book.

You're in charge of your destiny and that and I'll be like I fucking am oh Allah I've got a feet based one I just yeah muggles express themselves

through their socks do people don't like with their like funky socks and stuff on but they're in a suit and they've got like

oh it's their it's their one it's their one rebellion like it's you're doing a nine to five and a fucking office job and you've got

to be wearing everything that you best and you're like but they don't know they don't know about this they don't know oh no but the thing is

I've actually mixed them up so this one's Shrek and the other one Donkey and when it's Friday Lord Farquaad and the dragon why would they be together

they would never be together why would they be together they would never be together why would they but there they are on the field I'm in charge of my own destiny oh god I once wore

Kermit socks to work right and you know he's got that little frilly thing on his neck aye right

and my boss saw the bottom and she came over and she went Gav you cannot wear socks with drug paraphernalia on them.

And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? And she went, I pulled it up, I was like, it's keramite. And she went, I thought it was a marijuana leaf. That's another one. Generally though, there will be marijuana socks out there. Oh yeah. Like that's going to, like you are not, I don't care how much fucking weed you smoke.

If you're Snoop Dogg and you fucking like you wear marijuana you're not a stoner anymore you've made it uncool like it's it's the least rebellious thing in the fucking world

yeah it's just socks yeah it is it's tiny shit acts of fucking rebellion sticking it to sticking it to the man

oh yeah like imagine it's the same thing with like guys that wear you get high enough in your business that you're allowed

to wear quirky ties like quirky tie Friday quirky tie day yeah honestly Debra from HR is going to love this because

look at this look at this it's just it says it says Debra it's just gibberish it looks like words but it's not

it looks like land but if I actually bring the tie up here it says boobs yeah this one watch watching uh oh god i got it i imagine uh if you work in an office or something like that one of the worst things in the fucking world must be when it comes to christmas time and you hate your job but you've got like people above you like

it's Christmas time just bringing in Christmas spirit and the way they bring in Christmas spirit is just like mind you that is me

like literally I think I've been covered though isn't it like Christmas jumpers and shit yeah but that is me I'm literally

saying it's the muggler thing but I know for a fact if I was in a 95 job I am 100% I've got so many Muppet socks

I'm in the corner yeah I went through a stage where I bought M% I've got so many Muppet socks do you I'm in the corner yeah I went through a stage where I bought Muppets I love the Muppets they're great do you

yeah yeah so yeah I've got loads I wore a Perry Kermit one yesterday yeah I don't think it's my rebellion I just like you just like

which is your favourite Muppet I like Gonzo the bad comedian no that's Fozzie oh sorry oh the one with Elliot's nose yeah that's right that's Gonzo. The bad comedian? No, that's Fozzie. Oh, sorry, serious. Oh, the one with Elliot's nose. Yeah, that's right. That's Gonzo.

I like them all, but they're all good guys. My favourite joke ever in The Muppets is when Kermit's driving and Fozzie's giving directions. Oh no, Kermit's giving directions, Fozzie's driving,

and Kermit goes, bear left! And Fozzie's driving and Kermit goes bear left and Fozzie goes frog right oh no I laughed the first time I saw that oh god it's the best

it's really not but I love it alright each to their fucking own I guess oh god we've got time for one more from me

do a quick one Muggles drink energy drinks ok do you know you've got to be one more from me. Do a quick one. Muggles drink energy drinks. Okay. Do you know you've got to be 16 to buy them now? Do you? Yeah. Me and my mate Ali, when I... I don't know if it's just in Scotland.

Probably, Scotland's always got their fucking stupid laws. Me and Ali, when Halo 3 came out, we went to Lidl's and bought a 24-pack of the energy drink because we were just going to go to the midnight launch, stay up through the fucking night, and then just sleep at school how did you get

into comedy Daniel there you go I didn't take any of it fucking seriously but yeah like I understand like if you fucking work on the roads

or stuff like and I've done long fucking night shift drives in those situations going this is to get me through

if it's to get you through grand if it's to cure a fucking hangover grand you see people they're just like

waiting for dinner the other day and some guy he goes like can I get can I get can I just get a Red Bull

that's weird get a Red Bull with dinner get a Red Bull with dinner but then also like just Jane has a

friend who's just like every evening he's just like 9pm Jane has a friend who's just like, every evening, he's just like, 9pm, just, can a Red Bull. Crazy.

He's like, it's just, I mean, because they, nah, I just, it's just very basic. Yeah,

I sometimes have them before a gig just to give me a haircut. If I'm, if I've had a fucking session, if I need, again, if I need it, if you need it

it's not muggly right because it is in the same way that having a coffee in that sense isn't muggly yeah if it's a fucking gay

coffee coffee muggles aren't coffee drinkers if they're drinking fucking saying that have you seen the sweet new contraptment I bought no

so I sponsored this thing on fucking no no over there it's no different I sponsored this on it's downstairs I'll show you in a second I sponsored this thing on fucking no no over there that's it something different I sponsored this on it's downstairs I'll show you in a second

I sponsored this thing on Kickstarter three years ago and then forgot about it entirely oh fucking cool a little cool I got dead excited

I was like I love Kickstarter it's a clock it's an espresso alarm clock right so but it's all sciencey

and shit so basically what it is is a little fucking this is my greatest fuck it's a little it's all sciencey and shit so basically what it is is a little fucking this is my greatest fuck it's a little

it's called a barisur it's a little like fucking scientific potion fucking thing the beaker things

but like the conical ones right so you put water in that and it goes up through this little

pipe fucking thing and it's got ball bearings and the ball bearings heat up the water and it puts the steam through the

thing which then drips through the thing so it's got a little drawer for and the ball bearings heat up the water it puts the steam through the thing which then drips through things it's got a little drawer for your milk a little drawer for your fucking sugar and you can set it for whatever time and what it does is five minutes before the alarm goes off it starts doing it right so either you wake up to the smell of coffee or does the alarm and you're like oh because i figure the one thing that keeps me in bed is i don't have to fucking get up yeah my alarm will go off and be like no i don't have to do anything but i'm not gonna let the coffee go cold i'm not a fucking monster yeah yeah yeah that's great man i feel so muggy but i'm genuinely excited to go to bed tonight and wake up tomorrow and that's muggy as fucking shit yeah i tried to do that once

uh to a far more basic level i got one of those wi-fi and I set it on a timer with my kettle but like it doesn't work it's a wifi plug so like you can control the plug through wifi so you can control

through your phone and stuff so I plugged the kettle into it and plugged that in filled the kettle up I was like this is going to be genius

and when I wake up the kettle will be boiled yeah but obviously it doesn't work because a kettle you need to push the lever

so it turned on at the socket but it's always on at the socket so I woke up and I was like this is cold how's that not work

because you're an idiot because you're an absolute moron well you should have spent 300 pounds on this thing three years ago it was a very

pleasant surprise I remember for a year being like I think I might have been conned and then I just got over it if they don't make

enough money they can't make the thing so I think I just assumed that I'd been given the money back did they give you

back if they don't make it they fucking better I don't think so what no I think that's like the luck

of the draw sort of thing like if they hit their target and they can make the thing then they'll do it and they'll send you the shit so they're just sort of thing like if they hit their target and they can make the thing then they'll do it and they'll send you

the shit so they're just going to keep money if they fail man we should do that just put in and then people

don't back you oh no right well let's lie to them the worst thing is we come up with an idea we're like right we'll get a bit of money for this

there's no way we'll make it we make the target and then we have to make this shit thing that we've come up with 20 grand

for the G-Tip and Sloss movie done let's set it up right your dad no your dad that's the whole round

no your dad no we've really run out of ideas here on the podcast your dad irons your mum's bra because her tits are so flat hey that's not a dad joke that's just a mum joke described as one

you fucking piece of shit your dad ends all his texts with xoxo gossip girl doctors recently found stool in your dad's blood mucus in yours Your dad points at chemtrails and says

That cloud looks like a snake And I'm going to start doing that Because that is great Your dad got fired from Greggs For making anatomically correct Yet politically incorrect gingerbread men Yeah he kept giving me those, actually. Dead uncomfortable.

Your dad steals toilet rolls from public toilets, then sits in the cubicle next door and waits for somebody to come in so that they'll ask for some toilet roll and he can have a conversation with somebody. On your dad's stag do, I had to spell out the word strippers who wouldn't know what I was saying and start barking. Are we going to go to the S-T-R-I-P-P-E-R-S? What? McDonald's? No, not McDonald's.

Your dad thinks a fish finger sandwich is a sex thing. Your dad stores squirrels in his acorns. Your dad tries to pick the six same numbers on his lottery ticket. 69, 69, 69 and 69. Jehovah's Witnesses avoid your dad's house because he's too much. When your dad heard you were doing roast battles, he sent you a recipe for gravy and a wink emoji?

Your dad pierces my ears with his screams whenever The Rock is on TV. He does like them. He doesn't. Yeah. Your dad said, No thanks, I don't like spicy food, when I offered him a rich tea.

Your dad didn't enjoy the new Avengers movie. He's not seen the other ones. Your dad introduces your mum as his emotional support animal. That's how he gets her on planes. He fosters down a toilet. Your dad tells people his age in months. Well, your dad is a Christmas tree fairy. Your dad puts engagement rings

in each glass whenever it's his turn to get around him your dad started drinking his own piss to survive ten minutes into an escape room

oh good right you've got Sydney and people in Australia will genuinely come and see you because

for some reason they listen to us oh yeah and they're very loyal the Aussies I love them for it but very quickly for me

are you going to be here on the 15th of May no I've got to do a fucking work in progress without you balls on the 15th of May

me and I'm going to assume Mark Nelson and oh fuck it I'll try and get Kai up Kai if you're listening Tuesday the 15th of May at Summer Hall. Brighton, on the 25th of May

I'll be doing Comedia, my own show. And that's it. And I'm in Sydney. In fact, I'm in Edinburgh this weekend, the 4th and 5th at the Guild of Bloom. And then as of Monday the 7th to Monday the 4th of June,

I'm in Sydney. All over the place. Fuck yeah. Where can they keep up to date on where we were? I'll probably tweet it and shit, but I'm doing my own French show at the M-War on some of those days. I can't remember which ones.

Nice. If you search it on the M-War website, it's there. It would be lovely to see you come up and tell me how shit my dad is. Bye. Love you all lovely to see you. Come up and tell me how shit my dad is. Bye. Love you all. I'll stop it. You pressed the button, yeah?