Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.4 LINDA!!

Episode Date: October 4, 2017

Muggins gets refused from the gym for being so hench while Cream gets friendzoned, or so the story is told. They visit Linda who gets up to her old tricks. The pair also recall how they each remember meeting eachother in a reboot of the old "Origins" game. Enjoy! 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and Cream, Cream and Muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' Muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! We're in the same seats.

That's hack. Aww, Muggles. Accidental rent job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? You know how that old saying goes,

watched Muggin never cream. Oh, that's disgusting. It's just... Is it a saying? I mean... It's just a saying. But why is it a saying? So is it like, if...

Stop watching us. Linda comes downstairs and she's like, Kev, Kev, Muggins is in his room tugging his little muggins and Kev's like, if you want to stop,

you've got to stop watching because I watched Muggins Never Creeped. Yeah, sure. I don't know why you had your hands down your pants when you told that story.

A little fucking incest, incest porn that you made for me and my mum and my dad weird cunt speaking of your mum she was on she was on great form

she was on fantastic form so we were down in Newcastle on a Sunday we recorded this podcast the last podcast on the Saturday

so thanks to everyone who came to Newcastle thanks to everyone who came to Newcastle. Thanks to everyone who came to Cambridge. And thank you to everyone who came to Lincoln tonight. And everyone that came to Puddle Strunk. Right. So we on the drive down to Newcastle decided to

pop in on Linda. Have a cup of tea. See how she was doing. I had... She's got a whistle kettle. What? She's got a whistle kettle. What's that? is that like a one that you put on the hob oh I thought you meant

it was like a clap like it only bows when you whistle she's just can I join some do you want some tea? like one of them dancing sunflowers

you have to make a noise so I was the watch kettle never whistles nope I had brought down a lady friend of mine Who is visiting Over in Scotland

And she decided to join on tour for a couple of days She's over from America America, Trump's America And we walk in Me, now she's obviously, your mum's not met This lady before And within about five minutes of me this person clearly from america we've only known for a bit this is nothing serious going on

anything it's just a fuck it's a lady friend nice one your mum sat staring at us just being like so are you two an item are you two couples I was like oh Linda I don't have the time to explain the intricacies of what's going on oh man

that's my favourite thing with my mum if you were just honest if you were just like nah we're just fucking on again just put her right in her place

she lives in America I live in the UK we bang when we're in each other's company and when we don't we don't bang because it's really fucking hard it's real difficult to bang when you're not each other's company and when we don't we don't bang because it's really fucking hard

it's real difficult to bang when you're not beside each other I've tried just rubbing his cock off his phone I'm like that's not how you charge it

you plug it in I know but that's how I swipe right on Tinder just windmilling and she just started like bringing up your ex and stuff

bringing up my ex she's like I think when she my ex. She's like, I think when she first met Natalie, she's just like, met Natalie for the first time, she's like, when him and his last girlfriend broke up, we just never saw it coming.

Just saw it in the blue, you know, everyone just got along with her. Just to warn you. And then when Gav broke up with his ex as well, she didn't take the photos, don't know, the house full of, you know.

There was still photos of your brother's ex. Gav had like two girlfriends over the course of the time that photo was up in the passage. Your mum's just here like, I'm not saying it's a competition, but if it was, honey, you ain't winning. And then by this time, his ex-girlfriend was going out with the UFC,

fighting out Paddy Houlihan. Oh, aye. The actual fucking, one of the hardest men alive. Out of the thing. Come home from the weekend away or whatever. Just see Paddy Houlihan's missus up on the wall. You know what I'm saying? I've got his head stomped in.

That's what you've been up to. I'll tell you what I've been up to fucking so last night when Kelsey was still with us on the road we're coming to the fucking room like

like Arnie don't mind Kelsey coming on the road like Cosa she's got a company so she comes out to Cambridge and then I find out we're in one of them rooms where it's like

family room but like the bed's like a big giant king sized bed's like a big, giant, king-sized bed and then a basket in the corner. Alright, if you started acting up during the night,

we were going to pick up and just put you down the Cambridge River and float you down and let someone else raise you. Go punting. So, so I didn't want to just

fucking curl up in my basket and listen to you trying to have sex but getting your wrist slapped or whatever happens. I beg your pardon? I don't know what you two get up to, just a whole lot of rejection

coming your way or whatever. Oh, I thought, I know I said to Linda that we're just friends but I was hoping I could at least rub your fanny through your jeans or whatever. Why is she wearing jeans in bed?

Because she's fucking cleaning the bed with you. Fucking your friends around yourself. Oh, I come on and stay with me. I've come to the UK with this now

and I'm a good mate. Oh, no, I didn't really mean mate. I meant I wanted to... I mean, that is rich coming from a man whose fiancée won't send him nude photos

the best she'll do. It's not for you. The best she does is she just does artist renditions. She just gets like urban street artists to come round and spray paint her fanny, and then she just twerks into a wall, and then you cut the brick out like that bit in Batman

when he's trying to work out what the bullet calibre was, and you've just got a brick of your girlfriend's painted gash on it. I've lost the bit. Still wetter. You know, there's actually A fucking graffiti gang Running Bethnal Green Where Natalie lives Saying Natalie has herpes

Is there? Like fucking loads mate I put one on Instagram So if you go on my Instagram I've got one with Natalie Next to it on Instagram So if you scroll down Until you see the big

Fucking giant Natalie's got herpes The big giant Natalie But there's fucking Millions of them Spread So there's just tons Of Natalie's got herpes I the big giant Natalie but there's fucking millions of them now spread so there's just tons of Natalie's

got herpes I'll run Natalie's instead and you're not surprised that she started making you wear condoms I know fucking

alright whatever so aye I didn't want to be in the room when you were like trying to unfriendzone yourself. Making sweet love.

Sweet, passionate, eye-contactful love. Slash, smashing that sweet poos poos. So, when you were pleading her. Oh, how are you, man? Just a tip. Which is still bigger than yours, by the way. She's like I'll hold your hand until you fall asleep

I'll stroke your hair I'll hold your hand while you're masturbating why would I want her to hold my pubes stroke your pubes I'm in your armpit anyway I thought you meant like

she holds back my pubes but like my dick's like a girl in a toilet being sick she's just she's just trying to keep keep your pubes out of your spunk

I reckon there's people that have to do that like whenever they work have to pull their pubes away so when you were like cuddling up to her going

oh I just want to cuddle with you like just to keep warm if anything it's cold it's not October night isn't it let's cuddle up let's again, oh, I just want to cuddle you, like just to keep warm if anything. It's cold, it's October night, isn't it? Let's cuddle up, let's just cuddle up. I'll not touch you or anything.

Oh, that's just where I'm resting my hand. My hand just falls out naturally. I'm not trying to touch you or anything. I don't know what's worse at this point because... She's heavy breathing through the back of my neck. Like Darth Vader. A nervous breath in her, like a little juddery breath because she's like...

Because, yeah, you're nervous about like, oh, should I make a move move she just wants to be friends I didn't want to be fucking lying to my basket when that was happening aye and when you left it would be funny

to have sex in your bed oh my little basket aye hello there no wonder you didn't recognise the smell so I said this is about

11 o'clock at night after the gig just when the gig came which we'll come back that was good timing because you can't fuck her after midnight

otherwise she turns into a grim can't get away a cow just turns into a pumpkin her family turns into a pumpkin so

I go to the pure gym because I've been getting massive lately. Fucking... I've noticed. Oh, right, you meant the other way. I'm pumped. I'm hoeing dumbbells into the stratosphere. Then you're not doing many reps, are you?

You're just flinging them up and going, one, that's enough for today. So, I get up to the fucking PR gym and I type in my code and then 69 69 420 and then it flashes

and comes on red and then I get a text saying she's like oh you're too hench sorry so then you get a tennis gun and you're joking

you think you're going to fit through this door. Kidding, aren't you? How I breathe in, I'll let you in. So, I got a text immediately, actually,

fucking good system, just going, this gym is not part of your multi-gym membership. Please go to the kiosk, the little console, because with Pure Gym, I signed up to

Edinburgh West Multi Gym but you can only go into anything that's equally priced as that one so some of the ones

in the south like in London and Cambridge are a bit more expensive so they're not part of it so I went into the kiosk and I'm looking all over the fucking options

for an option to upgrade my gym membership to include this one and then I just thought ah fuck it it's like £7.99 to use a like a single use for a non-member right so I'll i'll go for that because fucking i'd rather pay

eight quid than go and fucking knock on the door just to see all get into the strokes oh yeah sorry can i uh can i please work out in the gym please put my headphones on look the other way i've got my towel so i fucking i couldn't get the upgrade so I went through the thing for a single use putting my email address my name anything I just pulled a file on you like why do they need

so much fucking data why do you need my phone number why do you need me fucking next to Kin why do you need like remember we signed up to a gym in Nottingham

the Virgin Active one and it come up next to Kin's email address in case of emergencies and I'm like if it's an emergency they haven't emailed me dad to whom it may concern and I come up next to Ken's email address in case of emergencies. And I'm like, if it's an emergency, they haven't emailed me, Dad.

To whom it may concern, your son is trapped under a 40-kilogram barbell. Please come collect him at your leisure. My 58-year-old dad, who probably doesn't exercise, I'm not using my words very well today, his email's on his phone. He probably just doesn't use his desktop twice a day

just at the end of the day comes home after a hard day of grafts saying that my dad is very technologically advanced he's a robot so I fill in this fucking file and it takes ages because it's one of them shitty screens and everything and then it just went

sorry you're already a member please upgrade your membership because I put in my thing so I'm like well it's not letting us upgrade. It's not letting us get a single use. So I fucking eventually, after ages of trying, got a member of staff and two came, had gloves on. So now that was necessary.

We've got someone that's having trouble getting to the gym. PPE. Just make sure we don't leave any fingerprints on the mask. We're about to leave that. I'll teach him for breaking the rules. So I told them the problem. I explained it. And they went, you're about to leave that'll teach him for breaking the rules so i told them the problem i explained it and they went uh you're gonna do a single use it started like making us fill the form in and stood over us while i'm there going it's not gonna it's gonna reject us at the end i'll fill this form in and like i was kind of in a way

hoping you know like when you do that right when you're like well i know what's gonna happen i've already done this and then you're doing it works and you make a tail between your legs yeah i was i wasn't even giving a fuck if that happened or not I was setting myself up for that fall because that fall would have been

preferable for me to have egg on my face would have just been me being happy I wouldn't give a fuck so I filled it in and I went

sorry you need to upgrade your membership and I was like right that's where it's direct can you point me where to upgrade the membership

and they look at the machine and went oh you can't it I was like right so I'm a member and you're not going to let us in, even though I'm willing to pay a single use. And they're like, yep.

And I was like, okay, so if I wasn't a member, if I'd never been a member of Pure Gym, I could have paid for a single use, and you would have let me in. And they're like, uh-huh. And I was like, but because I'm a member, I can't get a single use, and you're not letting us in. And they're like, uh-huh. And I'm like, do you realize how ridiculous this is?

And they're like, sorry, Mr. Humphries. I'm like, wait, this is this is and they're like sorry Mr Humphries I'm like wait this is the relationship I have with Pure Gym I want to use their facilities they want my money I'm here with my money you're here with the facilities

who is this for man you think that's why I was going through the exact same thing in the hotel room right I tried to go down

and there she's like you're already a member and I was like I just got single use then it's like no you're already a member and I was like i'll pay the money you need to upgrade to an engagement package the fuck i've been there um so yeah so i was just fucking i i

just had like walk away sullenly and just like they were i was just looking back at them long ingly thinking they would just like see my plate scan oh've got the keys, I can just let you in. Yeah? Start doing press-ups outside. Squats. Because you've got a fat ass. But not in a good way. Not thick.

PH, man. No. I was pretty darn angry, so I was. So I went to the lobby and played FIFA. I went, that's the exact equivalent. Hi.

I went to a ghost tour. Ah, so you did. You know when you get, like, it's one of the things, you know when you live in a big city, you don't do much of the things there

and then somebody, Yeah, you take it for granted, don't you? Aye, and then someone else comes over and they're like, I want to do things and I'm like, I actually don't know

what there is. There's shit loads to do in Edinburgh. Oh man, Edinburgh's fucking great. Learned some very fascinating things you might know the start of

this fact but here is the second part that I didn't know do you know Gardaí Lú have you heard of Gardaí Lú

in Edinburgh so Gardaí Lú is basically during one of the fucking centuries I learned the fact not the times

I'm not a clock so there's a bit where they had to throw all their shit and piss and spew and stuff in their buckets out the window, but they had to do it at certain times during the day, so it was like 11pm at night, or like 1 in the afternoon, and you'd just go out the window and you'd throw your shit out the window, and you'd shout

Gardelou, which is like really broken French for watch out for the water. Oh, there's people coming. And everyone would get out of the way or hide it and things while everyone shut their thing for the Water. Oh, there's people coming. Right, Watch Out for the Water. And everyone would get out of the way or hide in things while everyone shut their thing out the window. Unless you were really, really drunk and you forgot about it.

To show Garda Lou. No, no, no. You were drunk coming out of a pub at 11. You forget it's 11 at night because there's no fucking clocks back then. And you're walking down the street and somebody shouts Garda Lou and you're just not paying attention.

You're fucking listening to your iPhone or whatever. And you just can't hear anything. And somebody shouts Garda Lou and your instinct is to look up while drunk. paying attention you're fucking listening to your iPhone or whatever and you just can't hear anything and somebody shouts guard aloo and your instinct is to look up while drunk and that's where

we get the term shit faced from oh because you get so drunk you get shit faced you get so drunk you get shit faced oh nice

there you go did you get it no not genuine is that a genuine that's a genuine one I like it I like it a lot that's a natural

I also don't like the hygiene aspect of just throwing your shit out your window oh it's better than keeping it in the house's a natural I also don't like the hygiene aspect of just throwing your shit out your window well it's better than keeping it in the house isn't it because it's back in the days

I just take it for a little wonder doing the fucking reveal or something no but you could say Edinburgh was built and it's fucking hell so you throw it out and then the rain would

because Edinburgh rains a lot it would naturally wash it down to the bit where Waverley Station is I still think everyone should have a little pack of that instead of just letting the rain wash it

and everyone just walks down to the bottom and dumps it in the one spot. No, mate. I piss outside my house right now. That's where the phrase, don't shut on your doorstep, comes from. Let's talk hygiene. Well, we're here, right? I'm just getting moral high ground on the hygiene there.

I put a Facebook status up the day before yesterday. It was a joke, but there's some truth in it, right? And it was, when I'm on tour, I like to live by the following rules. You wear your underpants one time, your socks twice, your t-shirts three times, and your jeans greater than 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9 times, right? Because that's the joke. The joke is that, like, you're a tramp if you wear your t-shirt too's the joke Your jeans can be worn Until they get

Horrifically dirty You can just wipe stains off Anytime you get a stain that's not going to come off Anytime you start feeling like they're a bit Fucking greasy That's when they get a wash T-shirts I think the third one is too many

For the continuation of the joke I put too many. For the continuation of the joke, I put one, two, three, nine, nine, nine, nine. For the continuation of the joke. I would wear the same. If I'm in a hurry, I'll wear the same shirt twice. Sometimes if it's a gig shirt, I might wear it three gigs in a row, but that's because I'm only wearing it for there

unless I've had a particularly sweaty gig, in which case it gets washed. I sometimes look at this too. I've been in bed for eight hours. I'm going to be at the gym for a couple hours of the day, either side of that. I've got the T-shirt on. I'm not exerting myself because I've done my gym bit in the middle

with a different gym top on, right? So I'm not wearing it for like a full day. It's getting like eight hours use a day, right? And I'll get a second use out of it for sure if I'm on tour, right? Because I don't have enough stuff in my bag to see us through to my next laundry day, right? Where I've got time if I'm on tour, right? Because I don't have enough stuff in my bag to see us through to my next laundry day, right, where I've got time to wash and dry shit, right? But the third use,

if push comes to shove, I don't mind having a third use, right? I'd rather not. I definitely wouldn't do it not on tour. But on tour, sometimes get a third use out of a t-shirt, right? And if you think that's the scummiest thing we do on tour, that's why none of you are invited. You've got a fucking dead frog in your room.

So, underpants once i'll stand by that right socks two times i'll stand by that too but that is the one that everyone picked up on even though i put it on as a joke right i started getting hygiene shit hygiene shamed for wearing my socks twice yeah twice over right and um there was a pattern forming with the people that were shaming us, right? That were like, oh, that's disgusting. There's like three or four people who are definitely affected more by gravity than me and shorter. Not frequent gym goers. Right. Which there's nothing wrong with. Well, even though I was being high gym shamed, I refused to body shame,

but I will give the fact that their socks are going through a lot more than mine are, right? In the fact that there's more pressure on them. Maybe it's up to twice as much pressure between the sole of their shoe and the bottom of their foot, right? There's twice as much human on top of it, right? Also, I'm pretty damn athletic.

I've been doing a lot of Muay Thai. I've been doing a lot of running. I've been doing a lot of Muay Thai. I've been doing a lot of running. I've been doing a lot of, like, regular gym going. And it takes us a lot to get a sweat on. Right. Like, I'll not, like, I'll not sweat just walking to the fridge. Don't you remember every single sweat is when you walk around Bethnal Green and start seeing signs saying, Natalie's got her piece.

So I'm not, like, I'm not. And then she recognises your handwriting Yeah fuck I didn't think of that Idiot It's in wingdings You write in comic sans I was just in this awkward position

Where I couldn't really defend myself Even though I was being publicly shamed I was being publicly shamed on my own wall On my Facebook And I just wanted to fucking come back And let them know that We've got different We're living under

Different conditions Like don't even know I'm not saying I'm not saying like During the day Like wearing socks Probably doesn't make My fucking feet

Sweat a bit But My feet aren't fucking Pouring out Fucking sweat constantly You're not getting wet socks Dry Dry

Odourless socks On my feet right now Because I hate smelly feet I'm very aware Like I'm one of those people That do that thing Dry Orderless socks On my feet right now Because I hate smelly feet I'm very aware Like I'm one of those people I do that thing where I fucking Smell my feet Like and I'm like

Let's make sure that's fucking Fine there And by that logic right If you're fucking Fearing sweating that much That you've got to change Your fucking socks Every single day

Do you have to buy New shoes every week Like what's this Magical fucking layer What's this magical Fucking layer of socks right Where it just absorbs everything. You're telling me,

with the amount you're clearly sweating in your feet to go through it. So they're damp, but the dampness that's coming out of your socks and your trainers. It isn't, right. So if you're wearing, by your logic,

if you're wearing the same pair of shoes for a month, your feet should be fucking rotten off. And my feet are actually fucking pristine. Ain't shit going down. Oh, wait, hold on. I've got another Linda thing to bring up. So, Linda doesn't listen

to this podcast does she my dad does he'll relay it to her alright but he hadn't relayed last week's episode of the podcast to her

which was when after we played I Love You But and we talked about a question yeah and you

just turned up to your mum's house just for a cup of tea started telling her about your day and without any hint I was actually talking about wedding invite lists and stuff about the politics of like I've got to

keep this down to a bare minimum who do I invite and she just ignored the shit out of everything that I was saying and just went can I stay still and she fucking left the room and of everything that I was saying and just went can I stay still and she fucking left the room and I was like I hope she comes back

I'm gonna put her under that spell she come back with a pair of vanity scissors going fucking straight up what scissors vanity scissors

like little like not kitchen scissors just fucking put them straight up my nose and started fucking doing some manscaping up my nose get rid of all your

fucking nose hair without listening to the so because I did feel kind of guilty because you know when I brought it up and you were like

oh no you know yeah I might agree with you I've still not got that thank you text from Natalie yet fucking bitch but the fact that

your fucking mum the first thing she does is like where's her fucking bonsai tree up there like she got right in there like Alright

She actually gave up And gave me this as an end Alright She was like It's just that way You expect Natalie To cut your fucking toenails Because your mum cuts your fucking

She actually used to She used to pop me spots My mum Oh fuck off She used to get me Blackheads for us That is disgusting She'd hate that

I'm telling this now How old were you Like teens Oh Like when I live with her. That is not... What about the time when I started drinking? So you're fucking...

She's a big right out. Matty'd send you a text being like, we're two 17 year old boys. One of us is fit. The other one is Matty. I was in a real quandary there because I didn't know which one of you I wanted to compliment. And I got into it and I was like, fuck,ary there because I didn't know which one of you

wanted to compliment and I got into it I was like ah fuck it I don't want to compliment either of them but my babe stay safe

so my auntie has been like let's go to the town and you're like mam mam mam mam invite me out I'm going to go

pull loads of girls and she's like hold on come here have a shower let me trim your nose hair and your mum would pop your fucking blackheads she'd squeeze them right out

Get them right in there She'd show us the money And have a fingernail Now look at that Oh Jesus Christ What part of this Do you think is acceptable All of it

Why When I'm looking At my son Why Fucking bong-eyed Enough of the trying To get a blackhead Over your nose

Both my eyes Looking at the tip of my nose You can't see it You don't know where you are Go in the mirror Why don't you cut your own hair? What? Why don't you go to someone else to cut your own hair?

Because that's a process of a lot Popping blackheads is what you squeeze around it Why don't you give yourself a massage? I do Happy ending of time If it's happy why are you crying? Those are multiple stages, activities, things, errands, words, right? Popping back is easy.

That's something you should just be able to do. But it's worse than your mum fucking cutting your toenails out. Because at least with toenails, you're like, I can't reach my toes. Can you not reach your fucking face? Can you not reach your fucking face? I think I'd rather cut my own toenails. They're just there. Your nose is right in front of your face. I think I'd rather cut my own toenails than obviously like they're just there because your nose is right in front of your face

I know I know people I know people that love I know there are people out there that love popping spots like I'm not into it

I find it fucking weird but fucking each to their own like you know you do it you enjoy but to get your like your mum to do what you enjoy but to get your

like your mum to do it we've obviously like totally as well I've never told anyone I did this it was almost like

creepy how much I was asking us to keep a secret this is our little secret okay better not tell anyone I'll be mortified you have to go to court

and it's like show us in the doll where she touched you and you just start popping blackheads on the doll popping blackheads in the doll that is absolutely rancid

it is right we'll put it out to the you used to breastfeed you used to suck in with us tits you gotta be like oh gross

fucking you used to fucking put your mouth around him with his nipple and guzzle. When I was one. With your eyes rolled back.

Wait, was that even... Was that even... Oh! What's... Oh, dribbling down your chin. Yeah. Fucking lovely. You were 17 years old.

So were you. Mate, that's... We'll put it out to the listeners and I guarantee you this is going to be another case of... That is a hugely unacceptable antics. Yeah, you know what's going and I guarantee you this is going to be another case of that is a hugely unacceptable you know what's going to happen

yeah there's going to be like five or six people that go oh that's totally unacceptable right gross you wear your socks

two days running and then some people say that's absolutely fine and they're 12 there's going to be a thousand guilty pleasureists going my wife does my blackheads

and tells me not to tell anyone I'm just not stupid enough to mention it on a podcast the way you'll do it is you get a bunch of people being like, I actually think that's really sweet. And no, I'm not from at not Linda, I swear. Right, shall we move on to our first game? Yeah, we're going to tell everyone how we met, aren't we?

Yeah, so we basically had... It was in the first season. Yeah, it was in the first season. Yeah, it was in the first season. Somebody asked us how we met and how we became such best of friends

and we had this little like ongoing joke where we would start to tell the story of how we met and then we'd take it in a ludicrous way. But then forget

to tell people. And then actually forget to tell the actual story. So we're going to tell our origin story. This time, how do you remember it going? right so I'll tell you how I thought

when Demo and then you say how do you want me to go first? yeah of course okay me and Dahlia the Sloss are in fact twin brothers

believe it or not our mother Lindsay Slumfries was inseminated in a lab with the semen of five fathers. A concoction made from perfect male specimens of the most authentically and intellectually talented men in order to make a genetic superchild, which they succeeded in doing.

Me. However, an unforeseen byproduct of the experiment is that the lesser DNA from the five donors, their waste, as it was, was made into a second unexpected child, Daniel. Lindsley Slumfries was told Kai died at birth and wasn't even told about Daniel at all. Daniel was placed in an orphanage and believed his mother abandoned him. He escaped and became a small-time crook. Kai was taken to a state-of-the-art facility

in the South Pacific and engaged in intense physical training and extensive study. Eventually, Kai found out that he had a brother and tracked him down by his own paid parking tickets. From then... I'm just starting to talk about myself in third person as well. From then, Kai and Daniel got up to various shenanigans, and Arnold Schwarzenegger played Kai in the movie,

while Daniel was played by none other than Danny DeVito. I'll be honest with you, that's not how I remember it going. No, I remember it a little bit differently. I remember I was 17 years old, and I was walking down the street after winning the biggest dick award for my penis, and losing the biggest dick award for my penis and losing the biggest dick award for my personality. And I was walking back and just

as I walked under a tree, a baby bird fell out of my feet. Being an animal lover, despite the amount of pussy I smash, I decided to raise it. At first it was so small and weak and could only call out, Kai! Kai! So I decided to call it Kai.

It was hideous, but a mother's love knows no bounds. At first I breastfed it, and then I started to regurgitate food in its mouth, which I think is where he got his love for regurgitating shit banter regularly. That's his love on you. He grew from strength to strength and started learning new words and forming sentences like where's me phone and foot in blue shells and Linda he would follow me everywhere

to the orphanage where I read bedtime stories to the blood donation bank where I would steal blood and give it to vampires who were needy and to gigs where I blessed the public with my presence he learned to laugh and to flap his little wings in excitement whenever I was about to do

my favourite bits but one day I returned home after a long day of fighting cancer and his bedroom window was open and he was nowhere to be seen

my heart broke but I knew it was his time and I should let him grow and I haven't seen him since oh no there he is oh no And I haven't seen him since. Oh no, there he is! Oh no. He got us with a there he is.

For those of you that don't get the Oh No, There He Is reference, that is a stupid game that me and Kai play on our Instagram, which you can follow us on at Daniel Sloss. Oh, I think it's not. It's not Twitter. It's just Daniel Sloss. And what's your one? Kai Hum It's not Twitter. So it's just Daniel Sloss. And what's your one? Kyle.

Who else has got that fucking stupid name? So we'll also put on there our pre-gig rituals. All right. Do some things so you can keep up to date with us just being fucking properly shit to each other. Shall we move on to... Margle Corner. Aye. What time are we on, by the way?

Because we're going to come in sharp. What time are we on? If way because we're gonna we're gonna come in sharp what time are we on if we don't come up with some more banter yeah we've got three Muggle Corners aye I'll go first

so this is where you find out if you're a Muggle or not aye and if you are a Muggle it doesn't make you a bad person but you do have to

acknowledge your Mugglery and spend 30 seconds in the corner for each thing you can actually go on Mugglopedia.com which is an actual website made by King Muggle himself. King Muggle Rich Massara.

Dick Massaja. He's got the full lowdown of all the Muggle things. We will do an episode with Rich Massara at one point. Potentially, when we're in Europe doing gigs, as always, the boys come over and join us

in Amsterdam, but not every boy is joining us. So it's just Tom, Barry, Elliot Steele and Rich Massara. So we might be able to do, if we're a larger one where we just have rotating guests. A mega cast. A mega cast. We'll do a mega cast.

Interrogation cast where we'll get one of them in for ten minutes. Yeah, one of them. And then they fuck off, get something else in. And we'll have Rich Massara on there to basically address all his subjects in the muggle world. Thank you for all the tweets, everyone, by the way. Oh, yeah. Thank you very much for the tweets. Especially Barry Dodd's fellow comedian who was one of the 1% who laughed at the kitty cat

yeah I'm glad that hit with one other person that wasn't just me because fuck that buckled me so big shout out to the lovely Barry Dodds who also

if you've never listened to his fucking podcast Parapod Parapod I love Barry I think he's one of the purest kindest human beings in the world

but he is a big big believer he's late to lie he's a big believer in ghosts and uh and they do a podcast where he's on with someone who does absolutely not believe in ghosts and it is one of the most frustratingly funniest podcasts i've listened to so big shout out to that that is the parapod all right muggles don't like swearing fuck those clans oh it's just the lowest like see people's like uh it's like swearing it just the lowest... See, people are like, swearing is the lowest form of thing.

It just proves that you don't have a high vocabulary. I have a high vocabulary. I use ten more fucking words than you do, you stupid fucking cunt. You're the one that is limiting your vocabulary and actively limiting the vocabulary of people around you. Don't get me wrong. There's times when I'll try and hold back my swearing. I'm aware that my grandparents don't like it as much

when I swear. Different generation, but I'll still slip in front of them and they don't make a big deal out of it anymore. I'm a grown man. I'm an adult. When they reprimanded me

when I was a teenager for swearing, as annoying as it was, I've got a little bit of time for that. You know, they want me to raise me to be a good person. They don't want me, you know, they know how it affects them so they want me accidentally swearing

and accidentally upsetting someone. They want me to be perceived as a good person in the don't want me, you know, they know how it affects them so they want me accidentally swearing in public and accidentally upsetting someone. They want me to be perceived as a good person in the way that they perceive me. But, to everyone else, like, really,

like, I've had people in my shows being like, you swear a bit too much. I'm like, have you heard the fucking content? I talk about death, drugs and pedos.

Like, that's the one bit you fucking... How is me saying shit to the thing that hurt you? Oh my god. And in America, it's the fucking, it's the worst. Like, you can the one that you fucking... How is me saying shit to the thing that hurt you? Oh my God. And in America, it's the fucking, it's the worst.

Like, you can't say, I got thrown out at Disney for saying cunt in America. Because there's a lot of kids around. Oh, but they were all cunts.

And they got a stale. Call it like you see it. Yeah, I was in Disney, I was in a cinema with my family and we have this Disney American listeners that we have this 10 American listeners

that we have out there to the two Michaels from New York come to my show oh yeah yeah the two Michaels so I don't know

we've got at least two American I'm going to tell you guys a little secret we do this we've got this weird tradition in the UK that whenever we go

to the cinema and the movie's on the people in the audience like shut the fuck up for the whole movie it's like dead weird like they just don't talk through the movie in America and the people in the audience like shut the fuck up for the whole movie it's like dead weird like they just don't talk through the movie

in America oh Jesus Christ everything is the fucking director's cut everyone's doing a run in commentary drives me fucking insane talking through anything

I hate it if I like I can hear someone eating popcorn like I don't want to see someone's phone light up people talking during TV annoys me right I've cut

and even TV shows are fucking seen but in America they just talk through things they don't give a shit so there's I'm like I remember you had a girl

over that would talk through like even whispered so I couldn't hear her but so I whispered to you and like in my head I was just like she just blew it that's a deal breaker

she's gone yeah that was yeah I didn't see her ever again the second she talked through my favourite movie I'm like I've got no interest in you as a person

like if you can't love the things I love and'm like I've got no interest in you as a person like if you can't love the things I love I've had to sit through many a fucking shit film and I'll sit down even if I'm not enjoying it I'm like you like this and I'll give it my full fucking attention so I'm in the cinema and there's a fucking little guy with two girls in front

of me I'm about 16 the kid must be about 14 or 15 and he's just talking and talking and talking and talking and eventually my mum leans forward and she's like can you please be quiet in the loving way that my mum does and he's just talking and talking and talking and eventually my mum leans forward and she's like can you please be quiet in the loving way that my mum does and he's like and about 5 minutes later he's talking again and she leans forward and she goes

can you please be quiet we're trying to watch a movie and he's clearly showing off in front of his two fucking shit female friends and he sort of gives my mum a look and you know how I am with my mum I love my mummy so immediately the second I fucking sit I'm like you pipe up again I'm involved he starts talking again my mum goes to lean forward and I stop her

and I go if you don't shut the fuck up he doesn't know that I'm not hard I want to clarify he doesn't know I'm not hard I'm two years older than him and I've got a thick Scottish accent over there if you don't shut the fuck up right now I'm going to take you outside and I'm going to pan your fucking head in and then I had to pan your fucking head in.

Right? And then I had to translate what that meant. Because he was like, what? And I was like, oh, sorry, right,

if you don't stop talking to the movie, I'm going to take you, hey, do you say kick the shit out over here? You do get it? Okay, right, I'm going to take you outside

and kick the shit out of you. Right? And when I said that, like, a little round of applause started from all the other people in the cinema. Happy?

And I was like, a little bit of fucking courage came into it other people in the cinema happy and I was like a little bit of fucking courage came into my eyes I was like oh my god I'm the voice of the people I'm a fucking regular fucking hero there like ten minutes later he starts talking again

and I can see people being like the Scottish guy's going to do something he said he wouldn't lie about this he's going to take him outside and put his head in a pan or something blood cold and I went forward and I went

listen here you fucking cunt and the second the second I said the word cunt and put his head in a pan or something. Both cold. Yeah. Right. And I went forward. I went, listen here, you fucking cunt. Right. And the second, the second I said the word cunt, somebody got up, went outside the fucking cinema and got security.

No. Guy. That talking's fine. Talking's fine. Being an actual fucking cunt is fine. Right. And a security guard, a security guard with a gun,

right, didn't aim it at me at any point, but a security guard with a gun came in, yeah, came in and was like, do you need to leave? I'm like, I beg your pardon.

And I just, like... How can words affect you that much? I cringe if people are swearing in front of kids because, and this isn't just because I'm institutionalising the thing, you know, kids shouldn't swear. I think, like, to use swearing, yeah, either being angry or insulting.

Aye. Like, I think it's fine if you're just using it because you're stumbling over a fucking word, what's the fucking word you're looking for. Like, that doesn't make us cringe so much but if anyone's being like, oh, he's a fucking bellend or, oh, for fuck's sake, like, the tone, the insulting and the aggressive

tone are stuff that like kids probably shouldn't develop until they've got the intelligence to direct it properly yeah yeah and understand

you know the ramifications of the language they're choosing if you're teaching a kid like them behaviour patterns you're

giving them a fucking monkey machine gun right so yeah I think it's more about the context of the

use of swearing that you shouldn't do it to kids. But to be in a room full of adults and to swear, and I've had it on very few occasions, right, but the second it does, I'm like, I'm never talking to you ever again. You just go off for fuck's sake and I'm like,

do you have to swear there? You're like, get the fuck out of my life. I don't need you, you utterly pathetic cunt. Like, it's like magic trick with some people. Like, you say one word and they go what they explode and you're like

I wasn't aware I was a fucking wizard had to do that without a wand yeah how like weak of a person have you got to be that you're triggered

by just like a regular swear word that doesn't like that doesn't tie to your heritage alright because you know what I think I've very carefully

and cleverly done with this Muggle Corner I have put something in Muggle Corner that literally no one on this podcast will have to go to the corner for

I imagine imagine how much shit they had to put up to get up to that point who listens to this podcast is going to be there like I do not like swearing but I love

this podcast you know what it'll be the people the Muggles that listen to that music on the bus someone had a podcast playing on their phone

on the bus there'll be Muggles on the bus just going oh that's swearing phone on the bus they'll be muggles muggles on the bus just going oh that's swearing oh potty mouth mushroom mouth oh he's swearing

and then they go oh now I'm in the corner right so yeah getting PTSD pussy titty sucky dicks

shitty dicks anyway what's yours? These cons that put like a picture of a FIFA box in a note of their girlfriend

in a box of chocolates and go, best girlfriend in the world. You muggle couple. Virtue signaling your own relationship. My God. Like, why do you have to make such an example out of... Oh, look what this one did for us.

Why do you have to point out, like, the things that you absolutely should be doing in a relationship anyway? Like, you should always be being nice to each other. I mean, not always, obviously. Sometimes you've got to fucking rail them through a headboard. And then, like, these people probably had, like, whale fry together.

Because they get it as a gift. Don't get me wrong, I don't think the problem is, I don't think you're saying, buying gifts, that's obviously not true. No, it's the virtue signaling. It think you're saying, buying gifts, that's obviously not the problem. No, no, it's the virtue signaling. It's the putting it on,

like, that. It's just such a common one. It's like, oh, like, best girlfriend in the world and all that. It's like, what are you trying to,

yeah. Oh, she's really in touch with things that I like. What are you trying to do? Are you actually trying to make me jealous of your girlfriend? I'm going to be like,

fucking hell, Darren's a bird bottom FIFA. My mom doesn't buy me FIFA. I'm going to be like fucking hell Darren's a bird bottom FIFA my mum doesn't buy me FIFA I'm going to go out with Darren's birds that's so good you know so I hit him on that

I'm going to be like you made me jealous mate fair competition she buys you FIFA I'm going to get her what do you want do you want me to fuck your girlfriend

is that what you want me to do like when you put up being like oh my god my boyfriend made me breakfast in bed do you want every other girl there to be like right

let's get Linda's kev I just don't get why like as if it's like such a big shock that your girlfriend would do something nice for you and how everyone's like oh my god

that's the best girlfriend in the world my girlfriend wouldn't do that and I'm like I'm just getting you a gift why it's like

it's just fucking like me and Natalie have like often just left each other shit in the house like she bought us this fucking podcast equipment

so we could podcast down the road just like buying this nice shit and you never said thank you nah I don't know

I just didn't I don't know why I'd be like oh this one it's like it's just fuck post video next time she sucks your dick I don't know why I'd be like, oh, this one. Fuck, post video next time she sucks your dick. Oh, look at this one. This one got in from work, started noshless.

Oh my God, she's so great. She's actually willing to try anal for the first time. Isn't she the absolute best? Oh my God, surprise ass to mouth. This one, sucking her shit off my dick. I just left a little note. Oh no, it's toilet paper. Why was that in there?

How deep is she wiping? You know what, as well, I think it's like, it's almost like as if she's letting him play FIFA. It's like, here you go, go play with your friends you're allowed to do something that you want to do in this relationship I hope so I fully agree my next one is

and now I'm in the corner for this somebody called me out of it on Instagram and I'll absolutely own it muggles climb Arthurthur's seat and instagram it because i'll be honest with you i don't know if there's anything muggly about climbing arthur's seat all right you can go up there it's a fucking beautiful view it's a good walk it's a great thing to do but i did instagram it up the top and i wasn't aware i did say hashtag i did say hashtag muggle life yeah because My American friend

Was over and she's Never been up there And I was like It's a fucking great view So we went up And She did it first So she's also

In the fucking corner Right But I did immediately Be like Because it's such A good view And I put Hashtag Muggle life

Top of Arthur's seat And somebody went Get in the fucking corner And I was like You're actually spot on there Yeah I got out of it as well You know when we saw That fucking amazing rainbow,

like the fucking fullest rainbow ever, that we had to pull over the car, walk up to it. And pretend you were holding it. And I held it, I was pretending I was holding it, which is essentially putting your finger on top of the Eiffel Tower, holding your hand up when the sun's setting. It is that, right? But it was just like a fucking stretch version of it.

And I got legs for days, by the way, but I got outed so many times as a muggle. That is one thing that I think this is great for Muggle Corps is to prove to you that, look, we're often in the corner. We're all guilty of muggle things. I'll catch myself doing it. It's part of being human. And you know what?

Sometimes I'll just take it like the second I start a video and I'm like, this is muggly as fuck. I'm going to have to spend 30 seconds in the corner. But you know what? You know, life's too short to spend in the corner. I shouldn't be doing this. Hi. What was the name of the person that called me?

I'll try and give them a shout because they clearly listened to the podcast. You've climbed Rathus, haven't you? Yeah, I went up with the Auntie Donna boys, totally munted. Oh, yeah, here we go. Human Festival. Her name is Geneva Athena, which I don't think is her real name. But well done. Yes, you absolutely caught me out in my fucking muggle corner.

I absolutely concede. Did you put it on Twitter as well? No, no. Offers tweet. Oh, get right in the corner for that one. Puns Muggly. No, that pun was Mugly. That specific one. If you get anyone

right by the time this podcast is released on Thursday, if by Friday anyone has said that wasn't Mugly's fuck joke, you're allowed to not be in the corner. But if you don't get anyone tweet saving you from the corner, I'm filming be in the corner. But if you don't get any one tweet saving you from the corner, I'm filming you in the corner for the 30 seconds

I've put on this. You forget how many Team Muggins fans there are. Do you reckon people have favourites out of us? Aye, me. In what world? Do I have a favourite? No. Me? Oh, man. Oh, yeah. That would be a really, really, really

fucking horrible thing to do On the next tour See if we both bought 50 shirts Each One says Hashtag team muggins One says

Hashtag team cream And see who could sell them out On tour fastest You know what would happen Your mum would buy one of each We'd end up with Fucking a stock of 49 t-shirts each.

Right, let us know. Would you buy a T-shirt? No, no, no. Would you buy a shirt? Because if we get enough people, I'll absolutely do that as a competition in the next... We'll go to the competition. Aye.

With Team Muggins and Team Cube T-shirts. Great, and see who sells them out faster. You can't sell them privately. It's got to be after the fucking show. You can only mention on the podcast yeah yeah yeah

people have to come up to you so we can't be like tweeting we can't be nudging people and honestly I reckon I can be

totally honest about that as well because there's certain things in life right like you know playing FIFA right

do you know on FIFA you can replay a game if you lose yeah so you can play it for days and days right

get into a fucking cup final which would take you a good it for days and days, right? Get into a fucking cup final. Which would take you a good week or so. And then lose the cup final. And then play again. And then you can just play it again. That's muggly. Play the game.

I wouldn't play it again. It defeats the point of the whole operation. You know what else you can do? I want to go through the heartbreak. I don't know why it lets you do that. It pisses me off that it lets you do that. It doesn't in the actual... I think it's just the Nintendo Switch version.

It doesn't really do that on there. It doesn't. And another thing it does... It's Nintendo Switch version doesn't it do that on there and another thing it does it's a side select I'm doing a fucking season it's Newcastle I'm about to play

Arsenal in the semi-final right why the fuck would I select Arsenal and just start popping goals I don't know how

football works so you're saying you'd be honest because I know that that is like it is impossible for me to ever do that. I could not replay a game.

I could not side select the wrong sides, even with the options there. I know I wouldn't fuck that shit. All right, we'll do that. Integrity. However, you're the type of person that would put a pen in Gene's coat pocket. Oh yeah, I'm a sneaky little bastard.

But with this one, I will be honest. You'll just have to trust me. You mug. All right, what's your next one the next one is I'm going to close my phone don't I this is from Jean Faurie again

Jean Jean Jean Faurie I haven't looked at the picture to see if Jean or Jean Faurie

I think it's Jean Faurie Muggles film gigs on their phones and they do like I see it a lot of the

reputational gigs and I fucking love reputational people they film comedy but every now and again I'll come back and there'll be like

a Facebook video like it'll have popped up they film comedy I thought this was just a reference to like fucking music gigs

I think it is but I've seen it in comedy I've seen it in gigs that we do oh that's just like that's not I mean it is muggly but with comedy it's like

it's not the same like when you're filming a musician doing a song someone knows if you're filming my material it's intellectual property is that the need I'm gonna do this on a

deep and you wanna control like your content what's going on online I remember Jojo Sutherland went up one time and she said it first I was like oh fuck someone's recorded on online I remember Georgia Sutherland went up one time and she said

at first I was like oh fuck someone's recorded my shit and put it online but then she was staying amazing on it

she's actually ripped on it she's like I mean I don't come out looking bad from that oh yeah but I have seen

that and I cringe because sometimes it's like friends of mine and then I think people just need to know as well just like just watch the gig all right and take a if you want if you want to be like this is what it was and this is what when it's take a photo

there's nothing wrong with taking a photo of it but you've also got somebody there there's just other ways of letting people know that you were there and also not only not only do muggles film gigs muggles watch the videos. Who do you think's watching? Yeah, anyone's like, so we're in fucking Glastonbury or whatever, watching Foo Fighters, right? We're in this beautiful position where we can watch the Foo Fighters on a lovely evening in Glastonbury.

We can watch that, but instead we're looking at our screens, right? And someone's at home looking at their screen. What are they doing? Are they enjoying the Foo Fighters? Would they not rather just go on YouTube and Google a good music video by them? Or are you just letting them know that you're being somewhere they want to be is that

what you're doing is that what you need for validation my success signaling because it's i think that's all it is and i think there's a lot of um there's a lot of happiness to be found and enjoying the moment and i know i sound like a fucking hippie here but to just go oh actually even if people don't know I'm doing this, it's still lovely. All right. I think if you can find

that sweet spot where you can just enjoy something without having to tell your buddies, without having to tell strangers. All right, you did this thing that they didn't do,

just bragging. Yeah, but I say that, but I put a lot of, like, a lot of fun things I do and a lot of success I do I put on Facebook,

but it's like keeping a journal in a way. that actually brings me on to my next one. Yeah. Now this was suggested by our good friend Duck.

He made it very specific. Oh hello Duck. He made it very specific about one comedian who does this but many comedians are guilty of it.

Muggle comedians post gig updates on their fucking Facebook page constantly yeah and like obviously non-comedian listeners to this podcast which is 99% of you, what this sort of means is

obviously all comedians are friends on Facebook now we're all happy, I'm very happy when things are going well for my friends never happier when they get good gigs. Never happier when they get fucking TV spots and people who I think deserve their success. They're doing sellout tours, they're doing this, it's all fucking great. But that's why comedians have fan pages to sort of talk about this. If you're going on your private name changed fucking...

Everybody dies twice. Once when they die and once when they change their name on Facebook. And they just go on and they post about their gigs and I understand why you're doing it very proud of what you're doing it

what you're doing you want to talk about it but you're just shouting to comedians all you're doing is just shouting I'm doing better than you doing better than you

and sometimes you have to tell them not you're not I have to tell them I'm looking good no I understand I think publicity

is something that you and I don't do very well this is probably the best form of publicity either of us do, I do have a lot of respect for comics that are able to sort of do it but there is, I just think if it's on your personal page bragging about it, it's not bad, it's not sort of malicious but it is the equivalent of walking into imagine the non-comedians equivalent bad it's not sort of malicious but it is it's the equivalent of walking into uh imagine like the

the non-comedians equivalent is like you go to the pub after work and one of your other mates feeling like oh mate i fucking smashed it at work today smashed that fucking 95 some cunt came in was like can i get a big mac didn't have any big macs like what does this genius do gets two cheeseburgers to the bottom part of it stick in the fucking middle there's your fucking big mac ripped it ripped it absolutely smashed it it the fucking middle, there's your fucking Big Mac. Ripped it. Ripped it, absolutely smashed it. It's like,

look, right, we're all doing well. I hear it work. Right. Yeah, I just, I don't understand now,

because I, like, I have to do a lot of, like you say, I don't like the online promotion, but you have to do it, you have to let people know when you're on, let people know,

like, especially with running gigs, the punch run gigs, I'll always try and put something noteworthy in something interesting an interesting point a funny observation

something about something that's happening and make it so that it's accessible to everybody so that it kind of like dilutes the amount of

plugs that are off for other gigs yeah some comedians who I'm friends with they'll just post comedy comedy comedy and I'm like

what about that other friends that aren't in the industry what about that what else are you given but since we've reached Adam Rowe has a podcast coming out Adam's on fucking relentless form at the minute

but it's working for him you can see it working this is a perfect plug for him Adam is absolutely selling out absolutely speaking of he's doing it yeah in fact this is a perfect plug for him Adam is absolutely selling out his tour that he's doing at the moment he'll be on tour

he's also got a podcast coming out and Adam Rowe fair play to him I do love him as a comic he's a brilliant comic he's a fucking power comic he's managed to like

start packaging video content in a way that's getting rounds and working with Hot Water he's getting back to them so you can find a lot of his YouTube clips online if you fancy going to see him online

since we just hurled him in Muggle Corner. And also Adam Giorla and several other fucking comedians. Yeah, I was going to say he's probably the most obvious one of that ilk. But I could name

at least fucking ten. But the name changing comics, right, are probably too self-indulgent to even listen to this podcast. Right? Yeah. So we're probably not speaking to any of them right now, so let's talk about those guys. If you're changing your name, that means you don't want people to find you

because you want a little bit of privacy in your life, right? So you've changed your name so that when people type in Adam Rowe, right, they'll come up to Adam Rowe's like page but they won't come a personal page so that you can have privacy you know

put on pictures of your kids yeah put pictures of your dog or whatever whatever you've got to do right but then still be doing all comedy stuff

100% from there means that you've just changed your name as a way of putting a blue tick it's just a way of going like it's managing your own success

it's like you're managing your own success. It's like you're managing your own popularity, your self-perceived popularity. So I think, I think you can come across badly by doing that and then continuing to plug,

plug, plug. Also, just don't change your name on Facebook. Aye. Just fucking deny friend requests. Ignore them, that's what I do.

I just let them mount up. Aye. Because, you know what happens as well? I've got a like page that I don't really do much on. I've got a like page that I don't really do much on I've got my

personal page which if people friend request you they follow you instantly so you don't have to accept it

and you've still got a follower I've got it open and I just use that anyway it's just a public page sweet

right do your next one was that that was my last one okay I've got this is one that surely it's been in to your next one was that that was my last one okay I've got this is one that surely it's been in

it seems too obvious not to have been in and it's a little bit dated also because I don't know how often it's said in earnest anymore but it made us think that we'll walk past

a restaurant titled this people who say you only live once people who YOLO yeah is the is the is the most muggly

bullshit right because anybody that says YOLO is not living their life to the fullest nah they are like in this muggle

fucking herd of like in one direction yeah yeah I've just done I've just done dressing up as Harry Potter and I got out of the cinema

I've just had a glass of wine on a Wednesday night, YOLO I mean you'll live for fucking ages if you keep up with that right I know so many people who are genuinely YOLOing and they've never said it

they are living their lives, they are burning and they're going to burn it fast and die young and I'll miss them but I'm just like and then we walked past a restaurant it was funny as Kelsey pointed out it was because it was in nice script writing

it was just this lovely not hipster classy, a classy restaurant with just respectable looking older couples having a date night 30th anniversary or whatever

and it was called you only live once like is that a lovely restaurant called YOLO I just yeah I don't think it has been on the podcast but I do think it's a heavily dated thing especially now if you're doing it if you're doing it now it's twice as muggly as a minute on the corner but yeah I just it's it's twice as muggly that's a minute on the corner but yeah I just

it's another you're signalling something about your life that's just not accurate you're trying to appear this way like this is the cool thing I'm doing YOLO it's like nah absolutely not you're not burning it at both ends

so why don't you go fucking YOLO on the corner right let's go through these. Right. I've got the FIFA 18 girlfriend cunts. Yeah.

People filming gigs on the phone. Yep. Living the moment in the YOLO. Fuck us.

And my ones were. That's why your dad jokes. Muggles don't like swearing fucking I mean none of you listen to the podcast but if you are there fuck off into the fucking corner I'm in the corner because muggles

climb Arthur's seat and then scram it and muggle comedians post gig updates on their fucking muggle normal Facebook page Josh Pugh posts the best gig updates like he does fake gig updates that end up with him being the superhero at the end of each one. Josh Pugh, another brilliant comedian who you should all be following.

Yeah, but I think he's got to close Facebook because he's doing it right. He's got it as Josh Pugh, but you can't find him. Do you know what this is? Oh, wait, no, we should plug Tour Dates first. Yes. So, by the time this comes out on Thursday, on Friday, we are in

Hemel Hempstead. That's the nearest gig to London, isn't it? Until we're in Soho. Then on Saturday we are in Norwich. On Sunday we are in Coventry. On Tuesday we are in St Andrews because as always

our tour was designed by someone fucking just a three-year- old kid with a fucking map And a crayon If there's anyone in the Nottingham area And then Leeds and Corby The Nottingham area we're running a punch drunk in Bullwell In Nottingham

Which has got Mick Ferry, Michael Fabry and Lauren Patterson on Award nominated Lauren Patterson from Best Newcomer She's going to be in the punch drunk Nottingham And that is on Monday award nominated Lauren Paterson from Best Newcomer she's a fucking she's going to be in Punch Drunk Nottingham and that is on

Monday which is the day off from the tour so definitely go see that and also I was in hysterics at the end of the last podcast

because I was in the middle of plugging that you could download my show from my website and you just went and that's all good but then I pressed stop and it looked like

you'd done it and brought a mug and brought a mug and brought a mug and brought a mug and brought a mug and brought a mug and brought a all good but then I pressed stop and it looked like you'd done it brought a mug to you off so you can buy my show if you come to one of the gigs

I'll be selling them out the trunk of my car like a rapper like a 90s rapper you can just download it from my website

kaihumpfrees.com do you know what your dad isn't ready for this jelly your dad got stuck on flypaper and had to wait for him to get home what? Your dad isn't ready for this jelly. Your dad got stuck on flypaper and had to wait for him to get home to get him off. Whenever you sing Old Macdonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O, your

dad says, that's not how you spell farm. Your dad milks his dog onto the cereal. Your dad boils rice in his arsehole. That's weird because your dad plays Quidditch on a chopstick. Your dad boils rice in his arsehole That's weird because your dad Plays Quidditch on a chopstick Your dad writes 58008 on calculators

Then hangs from the ceiling like a bat And masturbates Your dad sleeps between his parents On Monday nights Your dad goes on Google Street View To look through your neighbour's window Because at the time the Google van went past she was eating a banana

Your dad can't take throw-ins When your dad grows up he wants to be an astronaut Your dad twists the truth to manipulate your mum into thinking she's done stuff wrong to take the moral high ground so that he can mask his own insecurity Is that just what I do with Jean?

Your dad changed it so that when your mum phones him it just plays the sounds of the planes hitting the Twin Towers. Your dad puts his clothes on straight out of the washing machine without drying them. Head down, ass up. That's the way your dad's requested to be buried.

Your dad's boss wanks off over CCTV footage. That's just a slam at my dad's boss. Your dad calls having an abortion going number three. Your dad went to the bank to get

the last two pound eight you don't know if he's overdraft your mum told your dad to turn his phone upside

down so he moved to Australia your dad joined the queue outside of Sainsbury's for FIFA

for FIFA For FIFA 18 For three hours Not realising that they were Queuing for the game And he only wanted a bag of crisps Your dad's got a booster seat for sex Your dad's got a hype man Despite everyone telling him

It's bad luck Your dad says Superstitions Schmooper Schmissions And opens up umbrellas Inside of your mother Despite everyone telling him it's bad luck Your dad says superstitions Shmooper shmissions And opens up umbrellas inside of your mother Makes her neck do that thing those spitting dinosaurs do In Jurassic Park Good ones

Apart from that If you've enjoyed the podcast tell your friends we're getting a lot of new listeners which is fucking great so please keep that coming subscribe to it leave us all the

you know the shit guys you're very aware you're doing very well but let's keep it going and apart from that we will see you or talk to you on Monday

unless we see you on tour Muggins out cream on your mum