Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.40 Not Safe For Anything

Episode Date: May 9, 2018

A podcast crossover. Dave Longley brings his own brand of anything goes to an already brakes off poddy with Rich Wilson fueling the flames of savagery. A Not Safe For Work, Not Safe For Play, Not Safe For Anything, homo-erotic Podcast that's fun for all of the family. Enjoy! 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

All right, stop complimenting my beards, lads. We're about to start the podcast, and there's not enough of that. So this is Sloss and Humphries on the road, and I'm here with Dave Longley and Rich Wilson. Hello. Hello. Who are both on the Punch Drunk Run, and I usually start with a little jingle

where I change the words of the jingle, the nickname, but not with guest respect. I'm not going to do that marbles and cream cream and muggins straight thugging I would say something like two muggins and creams go round the outside

round the something like that but I'm not going to do it with you guys because I'm better than that you do that shit with Elliot

Mark Steele's son Mark Steele's son that one that guy whoever that is whatever his name is Ian Ian Steele the only thing he steals is jokes and Kate Smurf That guy. Whoever that is. Whatever his name is. Ian.

Ian Steele. The only thing he steals is jokes. And Kate Smirthwaite's heart. Straight in. Straight in. No messing. I was about to say Dave Longley's already on the slander when he said the joke stealing thing. But it's that slander when you mentioned Kate Smirthwaite

because that actually happened, didn't it? It did. It did. She cooked him up a treat. You know, that's weird because she's like an out-and-out feminist, and then went with Elliot Steele, who's just like the opposite. He's like at the scene of Monsters Ball, when Billy Bob Thornton's a massive racist, and then just has sex with Halle Berry.

Yeah, hateful. It's like that, wasn't it? Yeah, hateful. Or like when Mussolini used to be an anti-war protester, and then ended up being the fascist movement. He's such a turnaround. He compared Kate Smirnoff to Mussolini. Holy shit.

That's great. Fucking hell. It's really apt as well. But in a good way. But it's fairly easy for Kate to sleep with Elliot and not only stay heterosexual, but fulfil a homosexual fantasy she had. Because he's such a fucking wuss.

He looks like a lesbian. Yeah, he does now, anyway. Kisses like a lesbian as well. Is she a lesbian as well? No, no, I'm saying Elliot does. Kisses like a lesbian. No lesbian kisses. All women are secret lesbians.

It's one of their fantasies isn't it are they yeah like there's taboo fantasies so all the all the sort of confidential research

they've done on women the three top taboo fantasies one is the homosexual thing which everyone's on board with like there's not what's better than two women kissing

three two women kissing right no two's still better than three because like three's just like an awkward like little head bumpy thing isn't it like three's just like an awkward like little head bumpy thing

isn't it like three women doing stuff is better yeah yeah not like three women trying to like in my mind

she's playing with herself while they're kissing anyway so so number I don't stay on that thought for too long yeah

where you going Dave I've been away from home yeah so then because that shit goes on at home all the time there's always women there and the top two are bestiality

or bestiality, how do you say it? I'd say bestiality because it's beasts isn't it? Best doesn't sound right This is the bestiality bestiality is definitely so bestiality and rape, they're the top two. They're the top two in what order?

Top two taboo. They switch based on whether Twilight Saga's big or not. And then the third one's lesbian. That's quite elite. The third one's homosexual. That's quite elite, isn't it? It's like fucking horse cock. Fucking unsolicited man cock and then just boobs

so uh this is um this is upsetting me so the first sorry you can tell i'm on sorry the first thought i could be hearing when you said that all women are secret lesbians right is that like my fiance is a secret lesbian also women are secret lesbians, right, is that, like, my fiancée is a secret lesbian also, based on the fact that you said 100%, right, is that Natalie is too. But that means the only reason she isn't doing her fantasy, not because she doesn't want to do it, because a part of her really does, but because she doesn't want me being on it. Yeah.

She doesn't want me to touch the other woman. She's maybe my best friend. What a selfish cow. But I better yeah but I don't it's not just women because men have got homosexual fantasies as well

oh here we go now it's taken there we knew we'd go down this route straight away you've got even five minutes I thought he closed the curtains before we started the podcast yeah

I can't get out the door it's hot in here I should do this in my pants let me grab the oil. And then start complimenting my pants. That beard oil. Does it work on bumholes? But the...

Sexuality is a construct. That's the thing. Depending on the culture. Do you know about the Otoro people in Papua New Guinea? No. The Otoro people in Papua New Guinea no the Otoro people their their sex

their procreation is done in front of the village their fornication is done behind closed doors with men so all their

fun sex hold on hold on fornication and procreation are fornication is the fun is that like fornication is just fucking

that's for the bant just going for it yeah whatever like having a laugh whereas procreation is like with a purpose head in the for the bant just going for it yeah whatever like having a laugh but procreation is like with a purpose head in the pillar missionary I'm just

trying to inseminate you yeah that's the thing but they have a lad banter in there all the lad stuff yeah before they go out on a hunt the youngsters have

to suck off the elders to get the jism which is they believe has got power in it so their culture is all built around homosexual practices yeah right

like the Greeks weren't they Greeks Greeks weremers yeah yeah that's your heritage in it yeah he's not smashing plates he's sucking cock i mean i said that like the usually exclusive you could probably do both yeah yeah yeah you probably you probably would smash the plates after you took cock. Because I'd be so happy. Or so angry. Why am I doing that again?

Damn my heritage. When you said about this culture in Papua New Guinea, I accepted that story as if it was like an ancient myth. But is that a culture that's existing right now? It's an indigenous people now, yeah. So there was a... Oh, fuck me, I'm going to forget forget his name this guy won the nobel peace prize he was uh he was the first person to discover that uh peons in the brain can uh so that basically they were eating their dead but they were eating the

brains and they ended up with this shaking disease right so he went over there and he lived with them and he studied their ways and he started bringing back children and um he was bringing them back and he's giving them an education in america he's taking them to college and all that and eventually it turned out that he was fucking a lot of them a lot of these kids so he's actually fucking their brains out he was literally fucking their brains out and uh and he said he was like perpetuating their culture in another country so he'd claim the cultural reasons for it wow and then there's a documentary well catholicism so he there's a documentary on it called the genius and the boys and oliver sacks this very famous uh neurologist um they were all defending him saying the reason he pleaded guilty is because

he didn't want a trial he didn't want a show trial and then the documentary maker was talking to him about it and he's like yeah fuck kids yeah yeah yeah it's natural yeah he just fucking came out just didn't put up a page he said i did we all do it i'm not gonna stand there and fucking be dragged across the media he has a photo of me with a double chin printed on the first page you'd be looking for it this is me outside an ice cream van that's it that's the legit thing though isn't it if you get shamed you get posted with a double chin. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They always go all out.

You know what I'd love to know, right? I'd love to see me fought as one if I die in a horrific accident, like a terror attack, right? I'd love to see which fort are they used for that, where innocent poor old guy does it. Or if I can't out and commit an atrocity to start machine gunning people down, which fort are they used for that?

Yeah. Because they wouldn't use the same fort for both, would they? No, they wouldn't use the same photo for both would they no they wouldn't it's the one they use when a black lad's been shot by the police or something the Daily Mail will find the one where he's on Facebook looking like the fucking hardest gangster in the world it was the Duggan one

where they just showed his face and he's like fucking scowling and then you pull back and he's holding a toddler or something like he's being funny it's a face of something like it's being funny yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and they spin it yeah yeah well some of the photos are punch drunk that you've took over the last couple of days yeah you think we're photoshopped on that swastika on your head that just comes out as a day you do that with a sharpie sweating it off yeah every photo

you're like holding either your cock or an imaginary person's cock I'm either wanking or sucking someone's cock why am I so obsessed

with homosexuality I think yeah maybe there's just a lot of sexual tension in this caravan there has been and we're in a caravan

no we are in a caravan aren't we yeah we're in a trailer park yeah so I reckon we should just smash into each other whoa

what I make it weird wait let's just pause this podcast wait I'll just pause this and we're back fucking hell that's how it's running

I'm shattered, mate. Holy shit. Oh, wee. We are not getting that deposit back. I hope you don't mind me standing up for the rest of this. I told you I was bigger than you. It didn't feel gay at all.

I felt like a girl for most of that. I was... Especially when you called us a little bitch. It was the spitting. I thought it was too much too much too much spitting on your hand right but they're not using it

which is at you isn't it it's at you but I've always I've had this I had this thing where I was talking to Jonathan Mayer

about fisting and I had this idea that fisting was like a really brutal sort of like you're punching yourself like bum punching like really good

and he said he got dead serious, he was like no no no it's a very trusting exercise, it's an exercise in trust because you have to really trust your partner because they've got their arm in your arsehole and he put a whole romantic slant on it

that I'd not considered before because I always thought bum punching was something that you'd do at the bottom of your mind if you were going to die is there a fucking lawnmower coming past in the middle of a romantic story fucking hell it's Dave's sex toys

turning up that doesn't happen on Fifty Shades of Grey does it it's just ruined me whole story that guy anyway

I fucked Jonathan Mayer sorry what you can't just whack it in and then whack it out you've got to be careful you're turning yourself inside out

this is what Milo McCabe said one time and this isn't one of his bits it's just something he said in conversation but I still will

quote him anyway is fisting isn't with a fist it's like an Italian appreciating something so it's just like that yeah ooh la la

what do you mean well then you can open your hand right up you're not even that up you're like you make him dance

like a puppet make their eyes move I was got all the gear shit is that your safety word just draw two

lines on my chin I do not like this yes I do not like this yes I was telling Scott I knew about when I dislocated my shoulder so I got hit by a lorry and that popped my shoulder out well a lot of these conversations and saunas and and and uh so I thought that's quite a cool story getting your shoulder fucking popped out by a lorry

and then he says I've dislocated both shoulders and I was like oh this is going to be good and I said so how did you do that he goes

first time I was fisting this guy and I'd put my fist in this bowl of coke and I was hammering him proper hammering him and this guy was edging towards the edge of the bed

right who said this Scott Agnew right right right Scott Agnew do it in my head I thought you said Scott Bennett yeah that's what I was like I in my head. I thought you said Scott Bennett.

Yeah. That's what I was like. In Family Man. Hold on a minute. Yeah. Well, it was Scott Bennett, but I've changed the name to something more believable.

All right. So Agnew, and Agnew's a big guy. So he said he was elbow deep in this guy and he was fucking hammering him. And the guy's getting towards the edge of the bed and he didn't realise they're both high as a kite

and he gets to the edge of the bed. His hands go over the edge of the bed. So he falls Scott goes to pull his arm out this guy's arsehole clenches and it pulls his arm out

of the socket as he's pulling it back the fucking full weight of a dude falling off the bed on there so I went Jesus

Christ and he was chained by the other arm to the other bed no no no no just one shoulder popped out just one shoulder

so I was like here comes the fucking lawnmower again just when I'm talking about bumming it's just so I don't have to beep was like, here comes the fucking lawnmower again, just when I'm talking about bumming. It's just so I don't have to beep anything. It just comes along. This guy's homophobic.

So he's dislocated his shoulder doing that, and I was like, fucking hell, how do you dislocate the other shoulder? And he went, same thing. Fucking hell, man. So the next night,

I couldn't use that arm. I had to use the other one. There was a guy who fell off either side of the bed. It was like a medieval torture rack but he's got he had so many stories obviously all about

that sort of thing but I haven't got those stories mate nobody has I remember I was at a gig I was just back

at the house after a gig there was a gay comedian that was in the garage with us we were having a doobie and stuff

and some of the lads the jolly lads were telling us sex stories and I was looking over at the comedian going fuck hey you haven't got half the stories this cunt's got he's just sitting on the stories looking listen to those little boys yeah talking about sex stories and you can't you don't know you know nothing son well mike mike wilkinson was in newcastle and um he was gigging at newcastle

junglers at the time and uh went downstairs and Jonathan Mayer joined him for breakfast. Jonathan Mayer said, how did you sleep? And Mike Wilkinson was like, oh god, fucking horrible. Horrible. These two blokes in the room next to me, they were fighting all night. And he goes, what do you mean they were fighting? He says, all I can hear was like slapping and grunting and like they were

just rolling around the room. And Mayer goes, what room are you in? And Wilkie's like, 428. And Mayer's like 428 and maya's like oh god i'm 429 he's had four blokes in there yeah oh my god fucking they were essentially wrestling but fucking hammering each other but then when i did newcastle stand i turned up i was doing it with maya and i turned up before maya and i said what room am i in she goes uh blah blah and i said um i said there's another comedian gonna be checking in called jonathan mayor um can you make sure he's not on the same floor as me because he keeps trying to have sex with me

so she went what and i said i'm being dead serious i don't want him on the same floor as me i said i'm not homophobic i just don't want him anywhere near me i'm not a piece of meat so then later at newcastle stand he turns up and we're like how are you and he went well i'm a little bit of a mood because uh i was checking into hotel the woman was very rude to me it's because she thinks you're a rapist amazing oh my the fucking that fun the gears are doing they have a belt i think what a life because um i was thinking you know um know, when it's like LGBT rights, they've got to have a good life, but they have to deal with a lot of adversity because of the society.

They're not all like us. But I never understand the B in LGBT rights because B is already covered by G. Yeah. B is G plus S. So to have the B in there all you're doing is putting an S in there this feels like a fucking algebra test

it is isn't it now you're keeping up with it L plus G L plus er cos it sorry equals snowflake

cos it I was just thinking like bisexual is it's covered by gay yeah yeah it's already covered it's the gay part that you're getting

like ostracised for that you've got to come out to your parents yeah you don't have to come out for the straight part of being bisexual yeah so i don't know why because but to me bisexual is the fucking perfect life it's the bisexual it's the absolute life right that's the golden ticket just but i think that's like you could go you're just people that you like yeah oh man rather differentiating between gender but it's kind of how you should be you can just be yeah yeah definitely you can be attracted to people

just people well that's it there are I mean even I mean I when there's certain people that you go I really like

hanging around with you yeah doesn't matter you've got the gender you know what I mean but you're like and you look forward to seeing that person again

it's not necessarily sexual no but you're like but it could go there depends it could go there it could go there. Yeah. Depends who it is. It could go there. It could go there.

I've experimented and it just wasn't for me. Did you? Yeah, I was, yeah. You kind of just dropped that phone shell and left out your voice. Yeah, no, it was years ago. It was years ago.

I have a mate. Well, I wouldn't have been in the fucking caravan if I'd have known this. I would be shouting to make one up. We've just been clattering into each other.

Yeah, but not in the gearway. It's only gay if you push back. No, it wasn't it wasn't for me I realised early on it was like I'm not really into that what did you like

toss him off we both willies out and things like that and it was kind of bump willies against each other it was kind of just stroking each other how old were you

oh blimey 14, 15 how old was he 27 what colour was he we were both the same age we were both the same age yeah

and it's just like we were just mate really this is it this is it this is it I asked your question the question from your podcast

and I hope you missed it what colour was he we were just stroking each other and then I realised early on I'm like I'm not feeling anything

from this so we kind of knocked it on you. Maybe it was the wrong guy. It was like, oops. What are you saying? Yeah,

because it's so surely you felt that like, I mean, this is a podcast, you touched my leg, you just couldn't say that pretty good.

Yeah, and you were in shorts. Oh no, we're wearing shorts, it's really hot in here, isn't it? Yeah, all of a sudden.

But I mentioned, I mentioned to you guys because I didn't have to have that experience because I found out I wasn't gay because of channel 5 yeah

to fill in the listeners I'm watching channel 5 when there was a girl picked up two hitchhiker young boys and she started like you have a threesome

about to kick off and I'm trying to time me wank for when you get some boob action before the scene changes and the boys started kissing each other

and I just put my cock away I was like not for me that it's not for me I wanked to Guy off once no you didn't that wasn't for me no you didn't

but I got my sewing badge yes proper jokes mate proper jokes tip your waitress but to the point about the yeah we're fucking going anything

I'm trying to talk about gears touching each other right I mean I could have paused it I'm going to have to pause it oh and we're back

and any excuse for an orchard I hope that lawnmower doesn't come past again I am so sore I'm in deep trouble I'm so sore cancel the gig

cancel the wedding so as I was saying about the bisexual thing I'm in deep trouble. I'm so sore. Cancel the gig. Cancel the wedding. So as I was saying about the bisexual thing, I'd like to be bisexual if I was given a choice. Now, if there was a pill to make you bisexual, I'd definitely, definitely crush it in my fiancé's dinner. Amen. I said to my mate, I said, he's like 5''6 and I'm much bigger than him

yeah mainly 5 and I said I bet I could bum you if I wanted and he was like no you couldn't and I sort of pretended to try to bend him over it's really hard to bend someone over who doesn't want to be bent over you really put up a fight

simulation yeah yeah it was a simulation yeah irony but um i tell you what's weird no we talk about like you're like you're saying about your partner being with another woman yeah and you'd be all right with that and i've experienced it where i've been in i was with an ex-partner and like the three of us were all getting it on and then i suddenly realized i was kind of getting like edged out not it was just naturally going that way. Yeah. So it was like,

in the end I was like, I was putting on music and shit like that. And then I was like, I was like, oh, I'm just going to leave them to it. And I wasn't even doing that. I didn't even wink.

I just went to bed. Yeah, yeah. I left them to it. Keep going, keep going. Yeah, I left them to it.

And then, and then there was another night, I'd got, I'd got in and they were already off their heads on whatever and, and, but there was,

and I was like, I've got to be up in the morning I went to bed woke up at like sort of four or five in the morning I could hear this going on

so I sort of went downstairs and they were on the sofa at each other and it still yeah but the thing is you think it would be fantastic but I just felt weird

the only thing that would make this story horny is a lawnmower yeah here we go it just felt weird to be honest, because it's someone that you're with that you love. I'm not crying, I've got hay fever.

That grass has set me off. So did you feel jealousy? No, it's not jealousy. It's weird. You don't know how to feel. Just isolation. You just go, oh, I don't know what to do. And why should I go over?

You had too many cocks. You felt like you wish you could just come over and get your fanny in there as well. you're like look at this fucking excess fannies here ladies there's a penis it's i felt weird but maybe i'm i don't know i would just like i would just treat it like an interactive museum like i would just be looking around looking underneath and read the little plaque like yeah oh this started what we have here three hours ago yeah who fancies a brew I'd happily be I'd happily be the

water boy in a lesbian fucking twos up I would I'd be I'd be a very gracious observer yeah

it's an odd one is it like is it like the way I'm thinking of it's how you thought it would be until you're in the moment

and then you're in the moment when you're in the moment you go I don't know what to do it's that feeling of like surplus

surplus of requirements fucking faggot see this toxic masculinity that I'm surrounded by what a honestly I don't know how we go wandering over

we go hey ladies you ready to bend the hoof what the fuck I've got to be up in the morning honestly ready to book yeah keep it down I've got to be up fucking the morning Honestly Ready book Yeah Keep it down

I've got to be up Fucking hell mate Guys guys guys Neighbours Come on Trying to be a good feminist I would absolutely Wreck them both

Yeah but I wasn't invited Nah You fucking That's when you gate crash You got elbowed out Yeah Oh my god I would be like the fucking

You know when you're colouring The same as the wallpaper And you're just blending Into the scenery Like the EMA advert remember the AMA where the guy leaves out and he comes out from a world map and he's like did you know we're 25 pounder ones yeah your face is a corner of a picture oh man I'd be skulking around that room like fucking what's that Randall from Monsters Inc there was one situation where um my mate was getting off with this girl

and I was playing with her fanny and she felt hopelessly requiem so he was like getting off of her and I had my hands down in front of her pants and she proper came on my hand and she stopped kissing and looked around to see what it was and I looked at her and I went that was me

just to let you know that kissing doesn't mean shit you just left a deposit magic digits oh man I wish I could

do that again I wish I'd not got married and had kids oh man yeah you know what actually

being in a monogamous relationship I think threesomes are the thing I miss the most. Not even the right ones. Just the wrong ones. Just your mates kicking around with you and that.

So many times. I'm sure I'd high-five. I'm sure I'd high-five. You got a high-five during it, haven't you? What would be nice? I've not had a threesome. You heard about the one where we made high-fives just when he'd scooped a handful up?

The listeners have I must have missed that one just on our boobs and then scooped it up and high fived us oh good lad it's hard to be angry when you've got a heart on they're shouting at him

actually fucking is this the tone of the podcast normally yeah I think Longley's definitely he's definitely he's definitely poured in more juice than water

hasn't he yeah let's talk about Muay Thai oh mate so I was waking off my dad right

I'd rather talk about that oh Christmas time such a good time well I've there's been some naughty ones I mean that story's been some naughty ones. I mean, that story's been told before.

That's why I just did the Cliff Notes. Right, right. It's the general tone. That's who the threesome was with, Cliff Notes. Cliff Notes. Good old Cliff. Bass player with your waddy waddy. Oh, my days.

Yeah. So I just, because I think I could handle it, like a group sex when we I just because I think I could handle it like a group sex with my missus and I think I've talked about that on the podcast as well and she listens to it all the time

so I don't know why she doesn't get the hints I bet she's got an idea of which of my mates she would but has she seen any photos of me she fucking loves you

long live yes she's fucking she's listened to every one of your podcasts she's the second funniest man alive not to me any who what is this what is this shit you've got a fucking She's listened to everyone in our podcast. She's the second funniest man alive. Not to me, anywho.

What is this shit? You got a fucking stand innovation last night, the cunt. You did, didn't you? Bollocks to this. You did. Never mind. Yeah, I would do it. I'd love to see my wife involved.

With someone else? Yeah. Not a bloke? Bloke, woman, whatever. Whatever takes your fancy dog, monkey you'd have to have that level of trust though

wouldn't you yeah you're obviously I think the love's there yeah that's what I mean so I've got everything else in place to be able to go

let's have some fun so the thing with Lynn is that Lynn's gorgeous and has been since I met her that's never changed and I love her more than anything like really do love her more than anything so if

if i love her why wouldn't i want her to experience everything she wants to do yeah do you know what i mean yeah so like and it's my ego that would get in the way of that yeah you want to make it happy right yeah i think i was a bit like that with the what i was talking about you earlier with that because i knew they wanted to do it yeah so there was an element of oh well at least they're having fun. Yeah. I just didn't know how to handle it. Yeah.

Yeah. You know. So if your wife, Lynn, the lovely Lynn, is happy with two of her men's cocks in her mouth but she can't get them both in at once and one keeps popping out and she keeps trying to get it in

and you're just there laughing and trying to thumb it and help her. Yeah, yeah. What are you as a husband to try and stop that? Why would I try and stop that? Exactly. What you'd probably do, right, is probably go into the drawer

and get some gaffer tape and try and get the cocks and splint them together exactly what you'd probably do right is probably go into the drawer and get some gaffer tape and try and get the cocks and splint them to get them in or I'd fish up

both sides of her cheeks and gag them right open and then you'd worry about the teeth as well so you might

want to get some like couple of gum shield couple of gum shield the gum shield would like lose

space because it's quite thick probably best to drug her before it all starts so she'd feel the pain dislocate her jaw

that's a good idea why don't you just kill her kill her and her jaw. Yeah, that's a good idea. Why don't you just kill her? Kill her and then do it. But if that's what you want. And then bring her back to life. If that's what you want. If that's what makes her happy. Yeah.

But that's what you do in a monogamous relationship is you guarantee that you'll never get that thrill of the initial attraction ever again. That's what a monogamous relationship is. Because you have that initial thrill and then you sort of settle it down and uh and then over time you just sort of like oh still lover it helps that we get to go away for long stretches of time that's a big help i think yeah that that's kept me fresh and really attracted to me missus is that like i'll be away for a stretch and abstain and then come back and have her for the first time again so yeah you do get that

but you know I don't think monogamy could work fully in a regular we're not supposed to be monogamous we're not supposed to be we're supposed to be

banging everyone yeah everyone male, female all of them it's got a hole stick your dick in it everything that's alive

there's all enough to bleed come on man if there's grass on the pitch if there's grass on the's alive there's all enough to bleed alright mate it's not come on man if there's grass on the pitch if there's grass on the pitch if there's grass on the pitch if there's grass on the wicket come on man alright

if it's your cousin it's I don't know if that's I don't know if that's the same yeah it's silent pull out just pull out there's nothing after that

there isn't there isn't a rhyme for that if it's your cousin I just don't like give her a dozen yeah if it's your cousin if it's your cousin I just don't like give her a dozen yeah if it's your cousin when it's your cousin

not if oh man it's been a definite lonely influence sorry sorry sorry so anyway

it's just about them being happy isn't it that's what I was saying happy yeah it's a piece of happiness it's actually in the Declaration of Independence isn't it the right to pursuit of happiness yeah's what we're saying happy yeah yeah why wouldn't you want your partner it's a piece of happiness it's actually in the declaration of independence isn't it the right to right to pursuit of happiness yeah thank god we're not in america yeah yeah but this is

the thing like so you could be married for 40 years 20 of that could be miserable if you're not willing to listen to the other person and let them experience things and experiment and all that like i mean what do you want at the end of it? Do you want to go through life never trying things? Because what happens if you do it, you have the threesome and afterwards you're like, that was a mistake. It's not the end.

It's just a mistake, isn't it? It's like going on holiday to the Seychelles. We shouldn't have done that. It's just another mistake that you've got to get over. But I don't know so if you don't try it I'm not good just try it

yeah let's get it done let's do it let's pause the podcast again if you don't try it three times I'll just fucking hell

I've not done that since I was a kid and even then I was prepubescent and couldn't get it up oh well do you remember when you used to have

like full onon marathon sessions of sex? Still do. There? Yeah. Like proper sessions? Yeah. Well, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Let's put a time on this. Like all day, like fucking guy. Oh, I ain't got time for that. Full fucking weekend, bad boy. Oh, if I could, I would. I'd tip off your back in that.

Yeah, yeah. If I could, I would. But then normally you'd have extra things to help you along with that. Not at our age, mate. Well, you didn't want to see a cocaine on a podcast oh yeah what a cunt fucking hell man yeah my dad listens to this does he

give you a first I was hoping to say give me a first one for free yeah yeah those set yeah those days set

when you're just in bed all day and you're fucking and eating because when I when I first when I first got when Natalie

she lived in Glasgow and I lived on the bones like I lived on the road when I first met her so when I would go up for the

weekend we'd just be trying to like catch up on like fucking a month you know but now even though when I've been away a little while

we're very civilised about it it's not like but it's not like oh just like holding back we don't do the sessions anymore

we've just calmed down I think you can sustain that for six years like sometimes it goes on it just depends isn't it what you

do stop I could go really stick scare's leg sometimes it goes on it just depends isn't it what you do stop I could go really bad on this so I'm going to leave it no I can't dish out details

about my relationship you literally said you would kill your wife you said that and you agreed if it makes her happy if it makes her happy

now you're holding back who am I to stand in the way of a person's happiness this is it mate I think yeah sometimes there's those

you have those sessions where you're all guns blazing and all shit all manner of shit I've got a I've got a mate

who who swings does swinging parties you just done air quarter by the way cornered asking for a friend bastard

alright that's who we I'm here Dave he says that lingley he just fucking swept the rug there swept your legs out mate

gutted he er yeah he erm what was it yeah he goes on the websites gets it all set up that way swept your legs out mate gutted he yeah he yeah he goes on the websites gets it all set up that way there's fucking loads of people who want to do it

it's just not mainstream it's not mainstream so people are a little bit sort of reticent about even experimenting with it what swinging or like get someone else to come round

and have sex with your wife no just to jump in with everybody like he said the weirdest thing so that he had a couple come around and he said it got weird when him and this other bloke went off to the shower

to shave each other because both the girls like hairless men. So they fucked off to the shower and he said then it got weird. And then going back and watching him do his wife while he does his wife

wasn't weird. That was the normal thing. The weird thing was the shaving in the shower because he'd never shaved another man before. He'd had sex with another woman before. They shaved each other.

Shaved each other, yeah. Why did you do that then? That's optional, actually. That's not like par for the course, is it? No, I don't think it is, but I think both the women like smooth men. Right. So they went off and shaved each other

just to make sure. Yeah, I suppose it is easier. I mean, when I'm shaving, I've got my leg under my neck. There's no way I would trust anyone else to shave my nuts. No. There's no way.

I don't let people shave my chin. Yeah. Fuck that. That's because they're Turkish. That's why. Don't fucking start that shit again. Listen. Fucking pack it in.

Why are you bringing them into it? You're... I was holding back on the word cocaine. David Longley I was holding back on the word cocaine sometimes I think I'm quite with it but I'm not

I'm a fucking pussy see we're swinging I think like this is is there any quality control in it could you just

be like a couple of old veterans that you're like paired up with? Right, let's get this party started. Come on, Doreen, bend over. No, it's all about permission. That's all about... The whole swinging scene is about mutual respect and permission

and setting parameters and not going any further. So would you just go into a bar and it might not happen? You could just go into a swingers club and you just have a chat. Just wander in, see how you feel I'm told air quotes that there's no pressure

there's no coercion everyone's got the kink like this he went to this one party and there was floors of kink it's like you've got vanilla

and at the top you've got chocolate like that whole floor is just full of black people but the get in get in you've got vanilla, and at the top you've got chocolate. Like, that whole floor's just full of black people. But the... Get in! Get in! Neapolitan.

Neapolitan. Fast forward two weeks and we're all fucking in court. The podcast has hit the skids. Jesus. So, yeah, so, like, at the bottom floor, it's, like, just straight sex. Next one's, like, anal or whatever, getting caught the podcast has hit the skids Jesus so yeah so like at the bottom floor it's like just straight sex

next one's like anal or whatever and then the top floor is all bondage and fucking and then the addicts got knives and that yeah yeah

so there's different levels and it's all it's all entry level stuff but I think you've got to be really careful with that because like so so it's all got to be

I think it's got to be vanilla for 10 years and then after 10 years together then you start introducing something a little bit extra after 15 something else 20 something else and then by the time he's 60 the danny suckliffe did um danny suckliffe's comedian he did uh jury duty yeah with these the guy on trial was a i think 74 you've got a snitch on him he named him. You named him.

And now you're going to tell the story that was in his contractual obligation. Do it. Do it. There's a reason that guy got banged up. Danny Sackler was on jury duty, so he witnessed the trial. I think it was a 74-year-old guy who was on trial for raping his wife, who was 71. And they had to detail all the sex life in the thing and what they regularly used to do

he used to tie her up and fake rape her that was her thing and he would fuck her in the arse and all sorts and in the end the guy got found not guilty because there was no she said on this one occasion

she said no and he did it anyway but how was he supposed to know when part of the so did did the safe word come into play in the court case

apparently there was no safe word or anything like that it was a regular thing that he would oh that's brave innit that's trust that he I mean the safe word

is always ah that's always the safe word no no no fucking hell hey hey wee the safe

the safe fluid is blood yeah called red so um so yeah so these are like 70 odd year old people who've clearly wait maybe waited like held stuff back and then it's like we're 70 now you're having it in your ass and that was too far and that ended up being too far but i just yeah i think like if you're going too early you're going to end up shitting on each other aren't you do you know what I mean that's

yeah I can see that not for me not for me call me a prude you're a prude I'm quite prudish I wouldn't want to

shit on someone I'm a prune juicer I'm prudish we're going to go swiftly from shitting on each other's chests to Muggles. Muggles.

Which is a fucking massive change of pace depending on what we're doing. Yeah, it's boring this bit. You've got to stick to concept. Yeah, we've got to stick to the rules and regulations of the podcast.

So Muggles is what, like basic? This is actually good. This is nice, which we like the guests to explain what a Muggle is if there's any new listeners. Oh, I see.

If there's any new listeners that haven't made it this far. I mean, some of the hardcore are still here. They know what muggles are already. Through all this, they're still here. They'll still be here. Shout out to Wayne Beeney and Nicky Gibson. You know who you are.

There's like three or four people. They're still here. But if anybody else has survived that last day, let those newcomers know what muggles are, Rich. But if anybody else has survived that last 35 minutes, let those newcomers know what muggles are, Rich. Muggles, they're basic bitches, aren't they? Is that basically it, a muggle? Yeah, the people were like, they follow the herd.

Yeah, they're like quite vanilla. But the thing is, we're all capable of it. Alright, can I try and give an example of what a muggle might be? Yeah, go on. is this your entry? yeah cool let's get into it then so muggles pretend cute babies aren't cute is that about right? yeah that's muggly but it's also a muggly obligation

really? oh yeah okay oh no sorry you flipped it there right not pretending a not cute baby is cute that's an obligation but you're saying the other way around yeah that cute so they'll look at and go nice baby i don't give a fuck uh not for me that's bullshit it's hardwired into your dna yeah to like babies you felt the oxytocin and went no yeah yeah rejected it rejected the idea that you like being a contrary cunt yeah yeah exactly yeah, exactly. You're just a contrarian wanker. So I think that's muggly.

Or a puppy. Yeah, it's a puppy. I don't care. Oh, yeah, that's just being a fucking wanker. So that's being obtuse, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what about if you did it for, like, gross, like, not for me? Would that still be?

Because what we always say is even if you, like, remove a layer, like pretending to be muggly makes you muggly too so you know if you go may the 4th be with you muggly right but if on the fucking 10th of December you go

10th of December be with you still muggly you're taking the piss out of the mugglery but in a muggly way so it's double muggle

double muggle double muggle so I think this might be a different case you know I think this may be a different case, you know. Okay. I think it might be if you go, eh, yuck.

Like, cute baby, really cute baby. But like, you do it where they know you're joking. Yeah. Because the baby's cute. No, these are being sincere.

These are like, pretending that their automatic natural reaction isn't their automatic natural reaction. Yeah. Like, trying to be cool like because the reason I thought of it

was like the Game of Thrones oh I'm not even going to watch it yeah why would I watch Game of Thrones ugh rubbish dragons yeah am I the only one that doesn't watch it

and they're proud of that I was talking to Sean Mio the other day I mean he's fucking weird anyway but he said big listener actually is he good er

cunt so er take a step back Sean take a step back Sean take a step back right so so so he goes

he says I'm not going to watch Game of Thrones yeah and he's like why not and he goes because it's got dragons in it

is that it that's it and he goes because it's bollocks it doesn't make the Welsh flag so yeah fucking hates the Welsh flag doesn't celebrate St. George's Day right oh and he goes because it's bollocks he doesn't like the Welsh flag yeah he fucking hates the Welsh flag doesn't celebrate St George's Day

oh no he does because he hates dragons anyway he slayed the dragon didn't he? yeah yeah maybe the slayed dragons in Game of Thrones who knows

I don't want to do any spoilers no spoilers I didn't watch Game of Thrones because I wasn't interested this wasn't for me but you know you'd like it you know that if I tell you

in this go you'd love it I like that you're all muggles you know that if I tell you in this go you'd love it I like that you're all muggles for liking it nah nah yeah you're basic bitches basic bitches

oh Game of Thrones eh shut up we've already put this in Muggle Corner people that do that yeah yeah that's why it's resistance

but that's the thing it's not resistance I've given it a go it's resistance when are you going to do it how many series how many seasons did you watch

I just watched bits and pieces oh bits and pieces I like that character that's why you haven't got Jesus in your life which bit of the bible did you watch? I just watched bits and pieces Oh bits and pieces I like that character That's why you haven't got Jesus in your life Which bit of the bible did you read? Bits of Bob Leviticus Read the whole thing

How do you know Jesus is in my life mate? I like that character Is it Hound? Is it him? The Hound I like him But Solon You didn't even see Daenerys Targaryen

Playing with the pool With her cut off and just going oh no not for me gross listen to yourselves fucking nerds you fucking nerds no wonder you're grappling

with each other you fucking muggle nerd cunts all those beautiful tits and arse and sex scenes this is just nerd sex this is a step up from comics

and dragons as well it's not made by dragons hard ons you fucking swords how dare you accuse me of being a muggle it's you you nerd cunt anyway anyway so no cute

babies so that's thing like so someone going Oh Game of Thrones not for me never watched it I think it can't be that good it can't be that good same when someone looks at it's like Coronation Street with shit of children what in it yeah no it's course it is it's not so proper it's like Coronation Street with shit of children what isn't it no yeah no of course it is

it's a soap opera it's bollocks and all the kids what's your favourite thing to watch you oh alright you get standing

the races at gigs alright fair enough he's a mixed bag isn't he yeah I'm a muggle but am I though yeah

so maybe that won't go in Muggle Corner no no I think it will because no that will go that does go in I mean

it's not the Game of Thrones thing what you're trying to say is that's the same ilk it's the like it's the putting up resistance resistance unnecessary resistance so you got put into Muggle Corner

for that reaction you've just had like a few months back but this is like same thing on the same vibe right yeah yeah because I've done the same thing I've looked at a baby

and gone it's a baby innit yeah but the natural reaction is oh it's beautiful i need to protect it yeah like that's hardwired unless there's something wrong with your wiring obviously so anyway yeah so like along the same line like a fucking cartoon second chapter of the road um so like along the same I put, muggles pretend that theme park rides don't frighten them. That was a similar thing.

Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah, come off a roller coaster and go, pfft, whatever. Oh, that's just... Like, fucking shit yourself, mate. Is this muggle behaviour? Yeah, tattoos don't hurt. Yeah, tattoos don't hurt.

Yeah, that kind of thing. No, this is actually, I think it is basic bitch, isn't it? Yeah. I was walking up, I was at the water park last week in Albufeira, and I,

whatever it was, out of sight of Albufeira, and I'm walking up the stairs to this fucking scary-ass kamikaze raid, and I was a bit fearful. I was up there going, I don't even want to do this. I'm doing this for bravado. We're all marching up them stairs as if we're marching to the hangman's noose. But all of a sudden, they're like, that's nothing for me. I was just walking up there going, why the fuck am i even doing that yeah yeah yeah and actually that fear is why you do it yeah of course yeah that's why you do anything it's that

adrenaline rush i was in dubai with danny mclaughlin we went on that big that big slide yeah and that was fucking petrifying like you go down so fast you don't have your eyes open and you're skimming down this thing and you fly out the end and the pair of us was screaming like girls sorry

but at the bottom of it we're like too far too far we were at the bottom we were at the bottom what's wrong with the way girls scream

we were like fucking yes amazing I did it baby what's interesting is he apologised for saying screaming like girls but didn't apologise

for doing gigs in an Islamic slave state yeah that's not I'm not worried about that a lot of slavery

there yeah I'm not worried about that I don't want to upset any women yeah in Dubai he said screaming

like girls because they really respect women in Dubai yeah I think you just got too this is muggle

behavior I've done a fucking borderline racism steeped in irony that I've come out a fucking borderline racism steeped in irony that I've come up to do borderline? what the fuck

bulldozing into the village mate I'm not doing it right if there's a borderline this makes mine sound really fucking shit but it is it's the same I remember being at this martial arts thing I remember being like this makes my sound really fucking but it is it's the same yeah it's the same

I remember being at this martial arts thing I remember being like fucking just I said at sparring I said like I hate sparring

it's horrible it's scary I'm getting strangled I don't like it and everyone looked at me like you what yeah you fucking wuss or what

and it's like you're all lying they're bottling that emotion yeah yeah they're bottling that emotion yeah yeah they're bottling that emotion of fear and not letting it out yeah you enjoy it afterwards but no one likes

enjoying being strangled apart from that girl I used to see but like no one likes it what happened to her yeah yeah that lawnmower guy

sorting it out I used to box when I was a teenager alright mate and that was the same thing like if you I remember the first when I was a teenager and that was the same thing I remember the first time I got punched in the nose fucking hard and I sort of

stepped back and was just I was going to cry and the trainer was like what's up with you and I was like my nose my nose and he just went

so get back out there but I think to acknowledge that it hurt yes it did hurt but I'm going to carry on yes the water slide is scary but I'm going to carry on yes the water slide is scary

but I'm going to go on it like if if the water slide isn't scary why the fuck do you not just sunbathe down the bottom what have you climbed that left stairs to just have no emotion

so you want to muggle if you're saying it to they just wandered off down here so that's a muggle thing I've got that right then yep yep alright what have you got

what have you got Rich that's good mine are really basic mine are actually but none of them we ended up started talking about hardcore stuff

because that's the nature of the beast but that was I think people just people that have like the wooden letters in their house like they've got

sleep written in their bedroom yeah and they've got they've got a bathroom yeah if I sprinkle when I tingle please be sweet

oh yeah there's that sign in the kitchen. Yeah. Asking for credit, causing whatever. Yeah. You know what I mean? Dad's taxi.

Yeah. You'd fucking ate my house. On the front door. Yeah. On the front door it says, no blacks, no Irish. You fucking basic bitch. What a muggle. I wear blue for a boy.

Yeah, that's dead on like you know because it is sweet it's like it's a real it's wholesome mugglery isn't it it's like these are harmless but they're

fucking muggles to the nth degree this fashion for twee fucking bullshit at the moment is getting it's too far like someone put a

picture of biscuits god no one can see how passionate he is about this I fucking hate it his whole body like blood's changed

people put pictures of biscuits up these are the best biscuits I've ever eaten in my life fuck off mate it's not life changing it's not game changing

these biscuits are game changing game changer fuck off that's another one that's two separate ones you've got two in there the wooden shit

and the fucking calling something a game changer was that one of your submissions on I'd call it let's put that as a bonus one when somebody says this is a game changer and fuck man of your submissions or no it was let's put that as a bonus one

when somebody says this is a game changer and fuck man I've probably been guilty of saying it yeah yeah but I mean

something can be nice and you can have a really nice meal but it hasn't changed the game so what things like where could you say something's a game changer and be earnest

right it's like fucking the engine is a game changer the smartphone the jet that changes the game

the jet the fucking aerofoil the wind changes the game right it changes the whole fucking climate of society your fucking

your new Fox's classic isn't gonna extra chocolate on this one game changer oh fuck off mate yeah game changer yeah

finding a cure for AIDS game changer game changer gay changer gay mate yeah finding a cure for aids game changer game changer gay changer yeah they started it yeah shit like that yeah fucking game changer back to those brown signs homo sweet homo there's a nice one where I walk into my mum's dad's house and it's got

house rules if it's tidy clean it up if it's messy pick it up if it's sad love it or something like that

it's just like a real sweet thing where you're just like oh muggles sweet little muggles but I hate walking into people's houses when they've got

photographs of themselves everywhere it's like walking into a dictator's state yeah it's like walking into north korea yeah i get it you live here yeah i don't need to see your fucking wedding days yeah everywhere like wouldn't that really put you off your wank as well there's you calling your kids and you're wanking over some gay porn not gay porn like porn just just porn that's got men in it like all the pov porn i watch is always from the woman's point of view that's always it's always upsetting just imagine getting booked and yeah yeah it's always some guy going slapping your tits oh yeah yeah people don't have that shit this tweet this tweet this fashion for tweet shit

awful yeah I think both in one on the bonus one you got two in as well I'm going to slip in

but you can put one in I'm going to slip in this is from Nikki Gibson who's a hardcore listener who tweeted she listens to yours now as well yeah

Nikki Gibson I was really disappointed she didn't try it on with me did she not try it on with you no not at all fucking hell it's not like her I would have absolutely gone there

would it just for you Nikki she's going to be frigging it now going to be proper strumming it to the podcast just imagine me ploughing it to you Nikki Nikki Nikki

she's going to be go on you can do it she's going to be sat at home sat at home all day waiting for the lawnmower going by so she can get out sorry sorry Nikki yeah she seemed really nice she said sat at home sat at home all day waiting for the lawnmower going by so she can get out sorry

sorry Nicky yeah she's really nice she said she said Muggles say I'm never drinking again oh good one

that's a good one that is a good one yeah yeah unless they see it through and then it's like more power to you oh yeah yeah actually that was a problem

like Brendan Burns ain't no Muggle for quitting drinking Oh, yeah, yeah. Actually, that was a problem. Like Brendan Burns ain't no mongrel for quitting drinking. No, he's not. He started spewing shit around his own living room. Yeah, that's a game changer. Yeah, it is a game changer. Just quit drinking. Smashing shit around your own living room. But not just like, oh, I've got my head hurts off the bank holder.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll never drink again until the next bank holder. Yeah, waking up naked next to Rich. Oh, I'm never drinking again. Game-changing, mate. You don't drink, Dave. Whatever. Can not drink tea again.

Sorry, get a new tea bag. I had a wordy muggle. Did you? Yeah, this one's a wordy one. Muggles post about cognitive biases that they themselves are susceptible to. Easy for you to say. Muggles post about cognitive biases that they themselves are susceptible to.

Muggles try to understand what you just said. Cognitive bias would be... So Muggles will post stuff about, oh, look at this guy, he's got Dunning-Kruger. Or they'll go, oh, look at this guy, he's a psychopath. You explained Dunning-Kruger to me yesterday, but explain it to the listeners. Dunning-Kruger is or they'll go, oh, look at this guy. He's a psychopath. You explained Dunning-Kruger to me yesterday, but explain it to the listeners. Dunning-Kruger is basically being unskilled and unaware. So you have such low skill level that you are unable to assess other people's skill level.

Yeah. And it works inversely as well. We mentioned this about when Elliot was kicking the bag and Wayne Deacon commented saying, you're dropping your right hand when you throw the kick and you're like yeah but his left was coming up to cover it.

Yeah you're an idiot. So you're meant to use your right hand. It's not boxing. It's not boxing. It's kicking. It's a different thing. So he had it done in

Kruger in that situation. Yeah he didn't have the appropriate skill level to assess what was going on. Also he's kicking so he's not within punching range.

Yeah. Yeah he's doing a range attack. Yeah so loads of people put this stuff up like oh this is me or no sorry this is someone else like they'll diagnose theresa may with psychopathy like they'll say she's a psychopath and you're like well hang on you do exactly the same thing in the same situation and you see it a lot with people who are trying to be faux intellectual like they'll put up something like uh well this person's got seasonal affective

disorder and you're like you're not a fucking psychologist. You've just read something in The Guardian. You posted it. And you're like, you're not susceptible to it. And like, oh, look at this guy. He's a member of the herd. You're like, you're in the fucking herd. We're all in the herd.

Stop making out you're not susceptible to the same thing that you're claiming someone else is susceptible to. Like, oh, they've just voted with their brains brains what the fuck else are they supposed to vote with you spastic yeah yeah so yeah but that was a wordy one that's not going to go in no no i'll put that in that's that's in i just don't know how to say it without the writing in front of us yeah sorry about that yeah and um i've got one um i only put this in the idea because my mum went I was up I was up at

silly o'clock you know when someone says silly o'clock silly o'clock yeah I find that quite muggly

I don't know why I can't really people that go when you say to me how are you and they go I'm not three bad yeah

so do you think it's in the same bracket as that yeah that's the same bracket they say silly o'clock yeah yeah but they don't put a definite time on it

because you could go I was up earlier than that yeah I was up at sillier o'clock yeah I was up at sillier o'clock yeah I was up at o'clock

more silly I was up at mong o'clock this podcast had everything all the boxes what time's that it's not a time

you just smash your head into the clock oh the clock's busted again you were up early got an electrocute licking the snooze button what's all that crayon around your chops

I was up early there's that horse again I've got a hard on yeah we pulled over the car to watch a horse having sex with him yeah

bit of bestiality yeah was really going for it as well really it was but when we tried the video it was like come on

I'm not a slut and stuff hey hey hey guys come on man it's when I started showing grab a main show who's boss how do we why are we assuming it might have been two fellas yeah there's one cock did you have well i didn't see that much detail actually it didn't

horses can't be gay i don't think so. No, no. No? No. Homosexuality doesn't really exist in nature. Oh yeah, as well. So he's just having sex with... I don't know how big a horse's butthole is, but could it

fit a horse's cock in it? No, I don't think so. But the poos are big, if you've seen, like, you know, when you see... That's a good point,

yeah. You know the story of Mr. Hands, don't you? You know that story? So, like, it's not going to fit in a human's bumhole.

No, definitely not. Who's Mr. Hands? Mr. Hands got fucked to death by a horse. But it's not going to fit in a human's bum hole no definitely not who's Mr Hands Mr Hands got fucked to death by a horse but his mate was meant to be keeping hands on it they put like a stopper on it yeah right

but he just fucking scratched his nose and he lanced him through the top of his head scratched his nose and he just died give us a minute John oh shit

sorry mate hold your horses hold your horses hold your horses he was about to say hold your horses he couldn't get the last word he bought a snack with him and he said

it's time to pony up the dough that's not going to work is it that doesn't work at all I should have said bread never mind that's shit hold your work, is it? That doesn't work at all. I should have said bread. Never mind. We've ruined it. That's shit.

Let's quickly put these in, right? Let's go through them. Because we'll put in a fair few each day and we'll rattle through them. So this is going to be 30 seconds stood in the corner for everybody that these apply to. So 30 seconds if you say a silly o'clock,

30 seconds if you say I'm never drinking again and it's not an actual problem. Yeah. Yeah. Yours was? Game changer. People say game... They describe something seconds if you say I've never drunk again and it's not an actual problem yeah yeah yours was game changer people say

they describe something that's boring and shit changes the game yeah like biscuits and all that twee wooden

twee just fucking shit mate don't be twee and I said cute muggles pretend cute babies

aren't cute and they pretend that theme park rides don't frighten them when they clearly do and then you said something about like the fentanyl pre-tacotal fucking

coltex lobe I was trying to show that I'm an intelligent racist it was a hop, skip and a jump to Mr. Hand yeah, yes it was we're never too far away have we got anything to plug we'll do a little plug now

before diving into the old dad jokes just my podcast yeah just my podcast arguing for the sake of arguing which I stand by that it's the

fucking funniest and darkest corner of the internet oh cheers mate it's fucking remarkable absolutely remarkable and I started listening to them backwards

because I was in late and that's the way to do it I was in late I started listening to the most recent one listened to them all the way back to episode one again

and then now I'm up to speed well you've released a couple when I was away on me I've got a couple to catch up on

looking forward to those have you got any shows coming up that you want to no I just I'm gigging all over the place so if you see my name come and see me

yeah Rich Wilson check him out online and I'm going to be in Sheffield this weekend at the Last Laugh so if you get this name come and see me Rich Wilson check him out online and I'm going to be in Sheffield this weekend at the Last Laugh so if you get this in your ears

before the weekend and you're in the Sheffield area come catch me there and now we'll just get straight into it Dave Longley what

your dad puts shoes on his hands and his feet and gallops to work Rich Wilson your dad gets a hard on during the sex scene in Ghost

are we doing it each other are we oh I see pick your tongue alright mate Dave Longley oh yeah Dave Longley

your dad likes military cock so much that he swims after troop ships backstroke doggy paddle He's smoking hard on Nana

Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana

Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana

Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana

Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana

Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana

Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana

Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana I need to up my game with this Kai Umfries your dad watches movie credits to make sure no animals were harmed during the making of the film

and so we're disappointed oh man this is lame now Kai your dad collects all the dirty Hyvees vests from big issue sellers and uses them as a noose for his wank games oh god vests from big issue sellers and uses them as a noose for his wank games.

Oh God. I'm just building up. Luckily your dad thought Tampax was on the periodic table. Rich, your dad misses being able to call people with cerebral palsy spastics.

Doesn't miss it, he still does it oh Jesus Longley your dad met your mum shopping in the oups section of Asda Longley

your dad is only your dad is only staying with your mum for the kids for your 39 Rich Your dad is only staying with you, man, for the kids, but you're 39. Rich, your dad sends flowers to Jessie from Babe Station. Jessie's got hay fever.

Oh, man. Oh, God. Hang on. These are shit now. Just do them. Don't be shy, come on, have some confidence Oh yeah, Kai, your dad dresses up as Amber Rudd to feel more popular Oh, political Political, mate I felt like you meant that

Take that, Amber Rudd You don't want to make jokes Well, Rich, your dad puts the hoover and the hairdryer on in his room to help him get to sleep. Kai, your dad wishes it was Christmas every day. Your dad puts floating candles in the bath so he can put them out with his piss. Rich, your dad makes mixtapes for your mum of all his favourite Jurassic Park dinosaur calls. Rich, your dad has got chocolate all over the seat of his pants, so I'm trying to hatch an Easter egg.

Kai, your dad didn't notice that bout of vaginismus your mum had. Longly, your dad walks up to dog walkers and ruffles up the person's hand and asks the dog if he can give the bloke a biscuit Rich your dad thinks there's more than two genders Rich your dad went into his GP because he had disco fever on VHS

Rich your dad instinctively... Fuck you now. Right, Rich. I'm going out. I'm going to get a drink now. I need my microphone. I'm up in the distance. Rich, your dad instinctively bends over

and spreads his arse cheeks when black men try to fist bump him. Oh, my God. Rich. We are going to prison for this shit. ass cheeks when black men try to fist bump him. Oh my god! Rich, your dad still has a soft spot on his head like a baby. Kai, your dad buys tampons when they're on offer even if your mum doesn't need them. Your dad can't decide on a non-racist

safety word. And that's why his wife took him to court and put the dinosaur clip at him and decided whether he was a criminal or not. Oh, boy. I'm making myself laugh. Oh, boy, I think we should probably not post this one.