Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.41 Eugene

Episode Date: May 15, 2018

The reunion of Muggins and Cream after several months apart is an eventful one with (uncle Snunky) Ryan Cullen joining the party with some unparallelled stories of the mad antics from his father and soon to be cult hero (villain) Eugenis-Pacelli. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Ah, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

I'm not even... Hail Muggins, full of cream, hallowed be thy name. Thou kingdom come, thy rum-pum-pum. I was about to say, you were so good at that for the first two seconds. I was like, fuck it, I used to be Catholic. That rum-pum-pum, that's the actual words, yeah? No, no, that's the... Lord's Prayer, it always gets through to...

No, that's the Christmas song where it always gets through no that's the that's the Christmas song where they just give up on the lyrics da da da da pa ra rum pum pum pum it's like just right words

I like Old Lang Syne when you're singing Old Lang Syne you just start mumbling it yeah Old Lang Syne da da da da da da da

da da da so yeah we're back we're back haven't seen you in a while give us a hug we're back we're black

get used to it we're here with Snuggie Great Uncle's I'll have you We're back. We're back. Haven't seen you in a while. Give us a hug. We're back. We're black. Get used to it. And we're here with Snuggie. Great uncles. I'll have you. That was me, by the way. It sounded like that was me. Yeah, that's not.

Yeah, instead of a mic drop at the end of the podcast, it's a foot stamp at the start. Oh, man. I think I broke my foot, by the way. No, we'll get on to that in a second. First things first. We've got Uncle Snunky on the podcast. How's it going? Is this your first real podcast while not fucked? Yes.

Because we were talking about the Amsterdam podcast when we were all utterly fucking mullered. There was about five or six of us as well. Yeah. Yeah, I don't remember. I remember just shouting over. Yeah. Getting about the mic. That is the podcast. You've pretty much nailed the concept of it there

we are in Edinburgh we're doing work in progress tonight this is the first time our roads have crossed since like February

or since you left in January but then I come out to LA and we've just done this super stone podcast where I just absolutely took

the fucking LA weed for granted oh yeah I turned up in LA like, fuck, I've been to Amsterdam. I was having a vape in one hand and a spliff in the other and I come back from LA going, have I just been to LA or not?

In a cloud of fog. So your ankle hurts? Yeah, I kicked someone in the knee. Yeah, why did you do that? I was just in training. I'm not allowed to talk about training in the podcast anymore. People complain. Oh, okay. Yeah, good did you do that? I was just in training. I'm not allowed to talk about training in the podcast anymore. People complain. Oh, okay. Yeah, good.

Right. Oh, I thought it was to do with the fight that you had. I know I had a fight. I had an actual fight. Have you heard this story? I have, yeah. This is the one. On the stag tour.

Holiday Maker. I think it's like a real good guy there. Someone just enjoying their jollies With their family I thought holidaymaker was just your play On the word haymaker Whenever you chin someone overseas It's the holidaymaker Over I'm right

No it's just some dad in the water park Jumping the cutesy with his children I said no running Overcutting him Just make Holidaymaker to the jaw in the queue to be with his children I said no running just make yeah just just

yeah just holding the maker to the jaw so you got into a fight yeah do you want to explain yourself em

so you know I'm mischievous right yeah right you can't you can't pass a fight off as mischievous like

it's like like fucking Floyd Mayweather isn't it a cheeky jappy for beating his wife off his mischievous like it's like like fucking Floyd Mayweather isn't it a cheeky chappy for beating his wife like

Floyd mischief Mayweather two orphans in Bradford you know what am I like always up to no good em

so I was just fucking I was working me ticket all holiday I was like I was on good form though you know but some people

just can't handle form did you bail out on asking me whether you were in good form because you know I was going to

say no you were like you know what I've got so the thing is you drove down a street that you thought

led to a cul-de-sac and you're like oh this is a cul-de-sac this is yeah I remember you were a

cock last time we went out um so the place like where daytime drinking around the pool fucking dad's on tour it really was it was like fucking 34 year olds with two kids like fucking around the pool 34 year olds oh i thought you meant 34 year olds like somebody's getting knocked out and you're just knocking every single one of them out so we're around

the pool right there's a fucking bunch of us and we're having a laugh and there was this 40th birthday party of like

girls from Sheffield that were on a football team and all that like good laugh like fucking working class birds

and while we're fucking laughing and carrying on this wasn't a fight this was just the precursor the mystery foes of doom

so this guy this German guy in these fucking tight ass speedos just fucking strutted these fucking snake hips like power walk

snake hips past you and everyone just stops that conversation to fucking eyeball this dude as he walks by

as if like is he self aware enough to know he looked like that and I was just like fucking hold me back and I started power walking after him and I went into the foyer of the hotel

just outside the pool outside of everyone's eyeshot and literally 90 seconds passed before I come back out that door with his speedos on just strutted back out and just fucking hypnotised him like I ran in and I was just like you're probably not going to understand this but trust me if we swap boxers if we swap shorts you're gonna be a fucking hero right and he just like as if he

had no choice in the matter which which he didn't just started taking these boxes off i was like not in the lobby there's children i fucking dragged him into the toilet swap shorts with him and fucking strut it back out and it's just like and then when he come back he's like what a fucking good sport he was oh yeah yeah because he didn't know what the fuck was going on

he was just like that's a group of people having fun this is going to add to their fun and he was in on it I do like that when people just

like join in on the banner if you've been made a mug of like it's fairly easy to not be made the mug of if you join in

with the bit yeah I was at a pub in New York and I went to the guys and I was like where pub in uh in um new york uh and i was went to guys because i was like where's the toilets and they went it's up those stairs and i walked up the stairs and three members of staff ran over like no no no no no that's the thing and they were all laughing i'm like that is fucking excellent they sent you in a staff area yeah absolutely to a fucking staff area and then me and the three boys sat there and anyone else that

where's the toilet we all went it's upstairs oh yeah until one of them came along he was like well you've been a dick it's like yeah seven of us have been the fucking victim here you're the one yeah you're the one that suddenly made this not fun it was fun until you did it and now it's not fun so that that's pretty much what happened man that was like i was just up to that that kind of mischief the whole day and eventually i fucking met someone that just wasn't in tune with it didn't want to didn't realize he was having a laugh thought it was on him so like just to put it cherry on the story with that guy like when i went out it was like fucking big like response from everybody but fucking nothing compared to the response he got when he come back like 15 minutes later from whatever business he was

intended to when he walked back out of that pool, he was a fucking hero, man. But, so later on that day, I've got this fucking holiday head on. I kept, it started off where there was a really attractive dancer on a pole, on a podium. She worked at the bar, you know, like short skirt on with a bit of bum popping out and all that, bikini top on.

She was dancing, right? And I never seen her before. Describe it in great detail to Colin Not for me I kept interrupting her dance to ask her for a change of a quid Stuff like that Just tapped her on the arm

Can you split a euro? Can you split a euro? I shove it up my arse She was finding it funny but she was finding it tedious I'd only done a couple of things Can you split a euro? I shove it up my arse. She was finding it funny, but she was finding it tedious. Yeah. I only done it like,

there's a couple of things, but one of the things that I'd done was like, it was like the third and final time that I approached her. I was like, look, just let you know I've got a girlfriend. I've seen the way you've been looking at this,

but it's not going to happen. I just walked off. I just kept doing that to everybody. Literally anybody and everybody, just even people I was walking past. I've got a last. It became the ongoing joke. Anyone that walks past, no matter age, gender, size, whatever, you're just like, away. I was totally undiscriminate with it. Kids.

Even the waiter, we went for lunch, we went for dinner, right? And the waiter, I was just like, look, I don't want to lead you on before you get any ideas. I'm engaged to be married. Like, I just want to order food and drinks. Just don't take it. I'm flat. And I'm not even gay,

but if I was, I'd think of cheating. But I was just like doing variations of that until I fucking met another Geordie boy. I didn't know he was Geordie until I fucking... Until he got homophobic. And he was like, oh oh he's one of us exactly that

I was just like mate you didn't stand a chance like I've got a pen you can't there's fucking gear like oh god

and I'm fucking walking outside the cunt follows us outside and I'm fucking backpedalling like I don't want to get into a fight

or anything so like I've just been fucking training every day right just so I could get intopedaling I don't want to get into a fight or anything so like I've just been fucking training every day right just so I could get into shape like I've been I got into that gym and I'm not meant to talk

about Mai Tai on the podcast we've been told by the listeners so I'll not get too deep into it I go for vanity I go because of a fucking fight I have a six pack and I watch the fights

and I want to look like that cunt I don't want to get in the ring like that cunt but I want to look like it so I've been training, but as a byproduct of getting a six pack is you become a fucking pretty good fighter. Aye.

So I've been fucking training with fucking Russians in front of us every fucking day for 90 minutes. And then all of a sudden, this drunk Geordie's throwing arm punches at us, like fucking like, like that. For those of you,

Kai, while doing our fucking mime, has punched a photo off the wall. Nobody's safe. The homemaker? The homemaker. So I was like I was trying to attack the guy

from the fight like I was walking backwards he's thrown a couple of punches and all that now I'm laughing he's like you're playing with traffic

he like fucking can't put his arm in front of him like fucking like I try to stop him yeah yeah it's one of those

ones where I've been in that situation before when people are about to get into a fight with you and I'm like about to get into a fight with you, and I'm like, don't get into a fight. And they're like, oh, tell your friend to stop. And I'm like, oh, I'm not stopping you for his sake.

It's not that I don't want them to be fighting. I don't want to deal with the police in two minutes when you're dead. Yeah. That's the fear as well. It's like fucking, hey, stood in front of his fucking, after swinging at us twice, stood in front of us, fucking, mouthing on for fucking so long. Like, I was just like,

was this taking up a lot of me night? I was just going, fucking, you want it, you can have it. And I just pressed the snooze button on him. What did you do? What was it? Just the confidence going from you. Just dab the snooze button.

I put an elbow up on him. So up on him? Like kind of diagonal. So you're holding your arm right over his head and then left? Yeah, I just brought the elbow up across his face. Just like John Jones-dom? Yeah. Chicken dance.

Chicken dance. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da I'm a chicken wing I did that for a chicken wing they call you the colonel now so fucking he went down apparently he caught in a car and like had a little chuckle when he went down but then his fucking mate

like swarmed on us his pal that was there like come at us and I was at the point where like I didn't want a tournament I'm not about to start like fucking

who's next you know like when you're playing fucking Soul Calibur yeah yeah yeah your energy bar goes down a little bit. We're on to the next guy Well, maybe they got the move that we get read the wrong signals when you start being all gladiator. There's no one else I heard you like Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, you're not entertained. Yeah

So you fucking went down and I let out a chuckle and then just like quite overwhelmingly like his fucking mate come at us and I just fucking went backwards

and I couldn't like work out which of his friends were there and which of my friends were there and I was like oh I'm part of a

fucking brawl now and I just fucking turned and legged it and I just fucking got out of there and I was like I'm going to quit while I'm ahead

you get one lucky fucking win on the roulette and you just take your chips away on your first spin so I fucking painted up the street and apparently what happened is his mate ran like three steps after us and stopped but he got up, the lad that I hit got up and fucking tried to run after us and fucking

fell over immediately because his legs were jelly so I hit him once and knocked him out twice. I mean, you do have... The usual. You do have to stop fighting people because one day

you're going to kill someone. Well, it's that and it's like, if the fucking... Oh, I couldn't... Like, his mates might have got hold of us and I might have been outnumbered

because I didn't, like, assess the situation. Like, his head might have hit the pavement when he went down. Like, I got away with this one. And the three previous 24

24 previous ones 24 I wrote down I put it on a note on my phone just the same way you know like if you put down a note

on your phone of people you've had sex with you just go redhead yeah yeah yeah that's his Excel sheet the people who said sex with the ex-excel sheet Il sheets oh this person's on both lists

oh my god so yeah i put i put like i'll try to list remember which ones but it's from when I was like I would say like nearly 20 over 24 would have been like in me late at teens yeah you ever been in a fight Cullen? yeah

one I think I can remember so you didn't win sounds like it went well he was way drunker than me so I kind of won But apparently the punch I threw Looked ridiculously

It took away all the cool of it It was a proper Apparently it swung from the side I went out Yeah Whenever you're about to be Whenever a guy's standing in front of you And you're about to be punched

You'd never expect it To be hit on the back of the head Being like Who the fuck was that? How the fuck did you get there? I fucking fight against Stretch Armstrong here Like taps you on the opposite shoulder

Like across the forearm I presume By the time I actually hit him You know A little sweep in the head You know the worst thing about it Was I stood in his Chinese afterwards That was a

Restaurant We were outside a takeaway And he dropped his Chinese Yeah And I went He stamped it Oh my god It's so close to my foot

I know He just stamped Did you see that? Yeah He just fucking stamped He just stamped his foot Like an example of Stamping on his Chinese takeaway

And fucking about an inch away From my potentially broken foot Right So you know the next day Right I nearly didn't go out because PTSD I was fucking worried about bumping into them

I was worried about bumping into the lads because we had one night left of the holiday and I was worried about bumping into them in case we got into trouble but don't honestly know that fucking deferred emotion that you have when you feel the emotion the other person should have you know when fucking demus done the marathon thing yeah and like matty and natalie felt too awkward to pull him up on it yeah i'm like you shouldn't be feeling

awkward it should be him that feels awkward it's like a deferred emotion like why are you feeling the emotion the other person's meant to be feeling and then i just got that in my head and i was just saying they should be scared of me anyway but that said I fucking spent the whole time with my mate Andy you know Bruce's brother who's got Down Syndrome oh you didn't use him as a shield I held hands with a cunt I was whacking around with Andy he's got his wits about him man

I've talked about Andy on the podcast before he's got it all upstairs but he looks 100% like no one's hitting that guy we got to start and he's going no sorry I probably got it wrong last night and then plus if it does kick off

fucking string for ten bears next to this I just blow my whistle and he fucking bear hug him and then so aye good holder nice out of it

looking forward to your stack too do, which you are annoying. You know what? I'll just call him. I got into so much fucking trouble the other day. Good, you're a fucking witness to this. We can have this right now. So, I'll raise my problems to the podcast listeners before we get into this, right? Even you bringing it up now is getting me into trouble.

Aye. Because you hate even talking around it. Aye, but, oh, fuck. Hold on, pause it. Is that the wrong number? Nobody answered They phoned me nobody answered So My problem is obviously me and

Matthew Canning are in charge of Your stag do Can't control people's wives that's the problem No no no It's their responsibility You have been actively looking for as much

information on this stag why are you trying to ruin your own surprise you have why has Natalie been pestering me

about a whole bunch of stuff right you're going to spoil something by asking that question what because she's

been trying to find a date that I'm available to actually get married yeah which I'm not allowed to talk

about because it takes everything off the BFA wedding if, like, we publicise the paperwork date. Does it? Yeah, because, like, I mean, she's going to hate that it's on the fucking podcast. Because everything, the ceremony and everything that we recognise

and everything that we anniversary is the fucking BFA date. But the minute that people find out about the date where we actually sign the fucking paperwork, which could be, like like after the wedding itself if it happens because of fucking how hard it is

to find a date that fits everything as soon as people hear about that they're going to want to come like fucking you and Matty would want to go no

it's his best men so what do you say to a bit of fucking paper my mum and dad would want to be there and all that right like fucking hey mum and dad

who wants to go what do you say to a bit of fucking paper because that's the fucking so we're worried that like it takes the sense of occasion away from the other one

so we're trying to get married in secret we're kind of dating in secret because he keeps asking too many fucking questions because you're asking

questions about this well I was stuck in a fucking Chinese finger trap that one you've been asked you've asked steel questions

about the dates and the location you've asked Colin questions yeah absolutely a fucking snake he is known as a snake right About the dates and the location, you've asked Colin questions. Did I ask you a question? Yeah, absolutely. What a fucking snake. He is known as a snake. Right, this is what I'll say.

If I answered it, I reckon you would hit me. You would hit me with a holiday mark. You'd be like, why did you tell me? What you were asking? I was like, I was asking around. What was I asking? Yeah, you were asking, give us even a general. It could be now.

That's not a question. That's not a question. That's not a question. I'll be a probing. No, Peter, I was talking to Peter, I wasn't even talking to you, you were just there like fucking wim,

you were like wim, tongue in the corner, fucking stirring shit. So fucking, Peter who runs the gig, I was saying to him, that I was actually fearful, that that was going to be the weekend of me stag,

because it's the one weekend, where you guys knew I had my passport, right, and that going to be the weekend of his stag because it's the one weekend where you guys knew I had my passport, right, and that he would be the type of promoter that would be in on it. You both know him well enough.

Peter who? Peter, clearly you know him well, don't you? He runs the laughter lounge in Dublin. Oh, right, okay. So,

I should probably explain that to the people in the podcast. So, I was saying to him, like, I thought because I've definitely got this and you would definitely put me on the list if he got asked, I was saying to him like I thought because I've definitely got this and you would definitely

put me on the list if you got asked I was expecting this to be the fucking stag do like I wasn't sure and he's just there fucking on the phone

he's asking questions that's just not true I don't know what the conversation you're talking about is well is at the top of the bouncers

the guys who only kill you and everything? No, downstairs and stuff. In my dreams, by the way. The would-I. Listen, I'm not going to actively want the fucking answers, but I was just saying you were probing. Because I was saying to Peter as well,

when fucking this guy was in the corner, in the shadows. Doing finger puppets. Shadow puppets, not finger puppets. Just entertaining. He's jumping with a finger puppet. I know you don't want to tell me your secrets, but what about Dave the finger plumber? So I said, what's the worst it could do to his understanding?

It was like, of course I'm going to talk about it. I'm not going to just waltz through life it's not a thing I will talk about and speculate what could possibly be on the horizon for us

I was like what could they do to me that I haven't done to myself already like in Glastonbury and at Bitha I've led the charge

on a number of occasions kept up with the charge on the number that I didn't you've kind of taken it a step further

I went oh I know one lad that went on a stag do and they crucified him in the third one that story is insane where's it they fucking crucified

that mate right they fucking put him on a cross tied him to a cross they didn't put the fucking nails through his hands but they shut it off because

right they fucking pitched him into the into the beach yeah fucking tide came in loosened the sand he fell forward

and drowned no for the fucking god they fucking crucified that mate and killed him he died he died

oh my fucking god apparently by the time you died it was only in like a couple inches of water but you know you can't move you can make

a fucking spinach like pop out alright so what you're saying is when we crucify you put a snorkel on you just put us on the high tide line fucking that's that's awful that's a lot of explaining to do yeah but but but did he come back two days later? Here he is! But to be fair, you have missed the statue. And your funeral. We still need to pitch in

for the hotel on the court. I don't know why you think we're going to try and kill you on this. So that's the type of shit that Natalie Fia has anyway. I'm just like, nah, it's going to be grand. I just don't know when it is.

Do you know how Mattie played a fucking blinder? You know, because I live in Fia, I just don't know when it is do you know how Matty played a fucking blind at you know because I live in Fia because I don't know when it is right we got back off Brucey's stag

that we'd just been on in Portugal and we're in the airport Newcastle airport and we are fucking hanging right we've just done like a fucking

sesh proper sesh but probably like fucking full throttle right and I'm at the arena and fucking

Matty come up with a fucking towel or something and wrapped it around my eyes and fucking pretended he was kidnapping us from me stag and the fear

that caught me the fear of like I've got to put in another shit that would have been fucking hell on earth to do a stag after that

no this is the actual surprise this is your stag what the potty into two I want one that's a special one I've got four beers

can I have two before we go on to because speaking of mental things we're going to get on to Cullen's dad in a second and not even dad jokes

not even your dad jokes we're going to bypass your dad jokes because these aren't jokes I just want to quickly do a quick shout out to QuickFit who can go fuck themselves

QuickFit if you work at QuickFit go fuck yourself if you don't know anyone who works at QuickFit please tell them to go fuck themselves you are the worst

fucking business in the world I mean slow fit for like fuck off I'm just going to I'm going to let it hang in the air

acknowledge it it's fine it's there it's dead so guys I've been away I've been away for four

I've been fixed he saved it he saved the bit so I've been away for four months I come back my car is MOT's due

so I take it in a fucking quick fit right two hours ago with four months. I come back, my car is MOT's due. So I take it in a fucking quick fit, right? Two hours ago with you, Cullen. I come back up. An hour and a half later, I get a phone call from quick fit. And they're like, well, is that Mr. Sloss? And I was like, yeah, yeah. How's the MOT going? They're like, oh, yeah, we weren't able to do your MOT

because we can't get the hood of the car open. It's broken, so we can't get that open. So I'm just there going. If only for you, guy, that would ring. of the car open it's broken so we can't get that open so we can't I'm just going if only for you guy that would ring that would be what did you say

we just they honestly said to me we suggested I'm going to have to take it to a garage and honestly I expect by the time

we get that down there for them to just for the second the guy said the words out loud he hangs up the phone he's like oh

that's my job that's what i do and i get down there and be like mate i tell you what i was on the sesh last night i honestly i used to be a butcher thought i was still a butcher i was confused when you dropped the car off i was like what the fuck's he's saying dave just reminded me why i could replace your fucking tires that was my first clue i'm a mug anyway we'll do that now see you later right he stands there and gives me the keys and goes all right so bring it back when it's fixed. Why? Why?

It's got to be fixed by then. If I can find a mechanic that can open the boot, I'll probably just get it. Yeah, he's clearly way more fucking qualified. Oh, my God. It's like going for fucking heart surgery, right? Waking up still in the anaesthetic and you haven't had any surgery done

and they're just going, your ribs were shut. All right, we cut in there, right? What are these? You've got these bones we tried going under but your fucking stomach was there I tell you what mate the amount of blood

you've got in you if you get your heart out we'll fix it well you'll have to get into a relationship with me because that's the only time I've bared it did you not check my sleeve

because that's where it always is. Right, so Colin, your dad's mental. I kind of only got this from you when you were telling jokes. Yeah, so basically what happened was you started telling your dad stories as if, we just dropped them to a WhatsApp group

and they are all insane. And you were like, yeah, but all dads are like this. And we were like, nobody's, nobody's, nobody's dad is like this. So we're obviously tonight going to try and run through some of the stories. Hopefully, I can assure you

they work on stage. Yeah. Like, I heard one or two and I go, well, that's a crazy one. But every time I tell people, they laugh, but also stare,

going, is he okay? You know, I kind of like... He killed a dolphin. Right. Aye. Aye. That was... is he okay? You know, kind of like, he killed a dolphin. Right, aye. Right, that was,

I don't know how you lead into this, but basically, this Christmas morning, just this Christmas, he rings me at eight in the morning and he goes,

come on down to the beach and I go, why? And he goes, I can't explain. I was like, well,

you kind of can. I've just crucified my mate and he drowned. I was trying to honour Jesus. I've got the dates mixed up. I walked down to the beach and he's kind of like down on one knee over this dead dolphin, right?

Now, my first thing was about to go like, oh, Jesus, that's mad I've never seen a dead dolphin. But his first thing was to go was it wasn't me by the way. And up until that point had never assumed or even entertained the possibility that was his dad. He's got blood on his knuckles. Right so I obviously didn't think it until he said that now he's got blood on his knuckles this is right so I obviously didn't think until he said that and I was like what

it kind of like stuck then I kind of noticed there was drag marks from the water to the dolphin right and I was like and dolphins famously

aren't turtles I don't know if you know that fact about them and he had like so he had these drag marks from the thing that's pretty heavy as well he goes

did you drag they're clearly like it's 8 in the morning the tide's out but it's clearly dragged like there's no other way it's dragged

it's fresh sand right I was like did you drag him and he went no but when he said

no his eyes were kind of like oh we need to bury the evidence it wasn't why need to bury the evidence why don't you bury the evidence just throw it back in the fucking ocean I think this is an important question as well 8 o'clock in the morning right

was it 8 o'clock in the morning because he was still up or 8 o'clock in the morning because he got up early no he's a postman so he gets up he just keeps his routine going so it's like 5 in the morning he's up all the time. Even on a Sunday? Saturday, Sunday.

Was it a Sunday when it happened? Don't know, Christmas Day. Actually, pick my road wasn't on then. Pick my road, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, bud. It just don't matter. But anyway, he was kind of funny and I was like trying to figure out what was going on, but he wasn't answering any questions.

And he goes, he's kind of still down on one knee beside it. And he kind of goes, it must have died during the night I was like pulling his collar away I was like it's probably the out of water thing can I ask why there's a size 9 boot print at the back of it's neck

I was like I was trying to go like CSI's like there's no obvious sign of a struggle apart from the drag marks it's all right there was no puncture thing i don't know how you would kill go about killing the dolphin i don't think it but the the fuck did the simple bike it wasn't me by the way it wasn't me and the drag bikes before getting his son to come and help him so did you just somebody who loves me unconditionally so did you did you chuck it back in the ocean

or did you just leave it oh we all took pictures with it I've got pictures with it you know because normally

pictures of people with dolphins are really moving on occasions but Eugene's eyes are blocked out like a superman yeah

it's just like I don't know how you kill a dolphin you know what I was saying like I was saying Daniel like the dolphins mean kind of like enemies.

They're like Japanese trawlers. There's little plastic things that hold Coke cans together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some dude from Stravon. So the problem with like, so you've got to tell stories like that on stage. These are stories people need to hear like fucking perfect on the podcast, but that's going to be a tough story to tell on stage these are stories people need to hear like fucking perfect on the podcast but that's gonna be a tough story

to tell on stage because people aren't gonna believe it even though I fucking I'm gonna have to literally throw up the picture and go this is the drag there's I

have evidence yeah yeah but also I think like it's I think like within one story they won't believe you but the time you get to the third or fourth like because they're

all so fucking insane tell the tell the one tell us the one about the fucking race the greyhound one I've seen that in text form where you it to the third or fourth because they're all so fucking insane. Tell us the one about the fucking greyhound. The greyhound one. Right. And this is like, I heard this from another guy who I met and he was like, I was good friends with your father

when I was younger and I was like, this is bizarre and he tells me this story. So I went in and I was like I don't believe this. So I asked him to tell me this story. I was like you and that, his don't believe this so I asked him to tell me this story I was like you and that his name is Louis I think it was like

you and Louis tell me tell the story he tells me the story and it's the exact same because it was so embarrassing now this story

it could fit exactly into a Guy Ritchie film it's Jason Statham and a Guy Ritchie film right so he's like he's such a gypsy trying to go roundabout way of it

have you seen snatch but he you know he goes like him and him free him louie and another guy free them anyway 19 years old uh he's still gambling and stuff loves this type of stuff right and he goes up he gets this tip that this greyhound, right? First of all is, this greyhound's kind of decent and it's really bad odds. It was like six to one, which is pretty good odds for like a greyhound.

There's only six or so fucking things running, right? So he buys this greyhound, costs a lot of money, right? He finds out then, he gets this other tip off that he can drug it. He knows a guy

that can drug the dog so that the dog's going to win. So they get this, they buy the greyhound they buy the drugs right the big fucking injection right

steroids yeah and they take so they put up take out it's a lot of money he was telling me it was like

90 pounds each of them which is apparently fuck loads in the 70s or some shit they keep some money because they are presuming like this is it

we've won anyway they keep the big time they put all their savings my dad went and got his sister's money and also took it out got the money to bet on this drugged up horse bet up in the dog great right horse now elliot steel right off the mark yeah so. So he goes in, and now, they keep a little bit of money. He goes, we had all our money.

The only money we had literally left, and each of our families was money we were just pre-drinking, because it's the best day ever, right? They get up to half an hour before the thing, like a couple of races just before their one, and Louis goes, he's like, you all ready blah blah blah he goes I've already

injected the dog right and my dad goes Louis I've done it like 10 minutes ago right and the third I don't know

the third guy's name I don't know what it is actually Paddy let's call him Paddy Paddy was just like mate like literally 25 minutes ago

I've drugged the dog they were all hammered they all went down to the paddock and the dog had overdosed and died oh my god so they lost all their money

no because I figured out I was trying to figure plot holes and I was like surely if it's a non-runner you wouldn't get your money yeah

back so they got their bets back I think they got their bets back but they'd already started spending their winnings because they had a sure thing because they were

so they're still down they were spending on tick yeah he said he didn't pay his sister back but like even with the non-run because I presume they got their non-runner money

I think if you're a non-runner you get your money back I don't want to spoil the story it'd be better if he lost everything. But he was drinking, saying the dog. They bought the dog. They bought the drugs and everything like that there.

And then got their bet back. Aye. Got their stake back. And apparently, he said, and another guy, what they did then was with the betting money they got back, apparently they rang the guy that sold them the drugs and went, can you come over and do another greyhound for us? To try and... To try and replace us to try and to try and replace it

real quick try and replace it the guy the guy in the phone must have been just like nah man nah phone Peter yeah yeah yeah

not Peter the animal organisation not the owner of the left arm so fucking does that one happen lightning strike twice with a

dolphin does the dolphin look hench he's a drugged it up he's killing a lot of animals he's cruel

he's a cruel beast he's always had that kind of off he thinks it's I know there's dark senses of

humour but he makes them kind of dark and awkward but even past there's no real jokes sometimes well there are two of them

are jokes like he nearly died a couple of years ago right and he had to get like he basically had to get eight bypasses and one surgery

which is a world record like the doctor was just like I don't even know why we're going to bother right so he was

like literally the doctor was so nonchalant in Ireland yeah alright we'll just do eight, nine just so he comes in

and it's also Christmas day I was just I was telling I was like something like fucking Christmas day we're in a hospital

in Galway right so they're they're telling us this right and he's been smoking since he was a kid this is why the surgery has to happen

there's only 20% of the blood going into his legs that should be going in like 10% in one he was like I've got sore legs he was talking about

for about a year and we're like, shut up. By then they're like, oh right. Shut up, shut up dad. Shut up you old man.

I've got sore legs. Alright, boo hoo. You pussy. The doctor sits us down and we were all like, kind of like, because it was that atmosphere.

It was too redditorious. We were the whole little family meeting with this doctor and it's on that kind of he's already dead vibe going on right

so they go to him he's like listen there's just there's a high possibility we're going to have to amputate your legs right

and I'm like I'm going to try and not take that because that's really funny he's gonna want mine are they a match and he goes what's your shoe is he but he goes uh the doctor goes to him right so he's got a pair of slippers he's taking this into his stride thinking like like, you know, I'll cope with it my own way.

And he goes, the doctor goes, right. Did you just say, my dad took losing his legs in a stride? That was his head going. Hey, Dad, after this, like, honestly, it's going to be difficult, but just like put one foot in front of the other. You've got to crawl before you walk other you've got to crawl before you walk you've got to crawl before you walk walk in my shoes it's a shoe fit

the doctor goes to him right if you don't stop smoking like basically today we're going to have to cut your legs off and he goes surely if you want me to cut my if you want me to stop smoking

you should just cut my arms off i'm kind of giggling sister and my mother are kind of traumatized you know like and the drug the doctor's not having any of it anyway so we're having this surgery and he kind of gave off the thing like say maybebyes, because it's a real serious one, right? So we were all like, he was doing his kind of goodbyes in his wheelchair, and he goes, he goes to me,

when he comes over to me, he goes, do you remember all those times I called you a cunt? I was like, ah, and he goes, I meant it. And then they just wailed him off, and I was like,

I hope he goes. That's on its last words. I hope there is. Yeah, you know what? That was actually a fucking really sweet thing for him to do because he just made it

easier for him for you to hate him he made it easier like it would be like imagine he just fucking gave you some big sentimental speech and then

fucking died in the surgery or even worse gives you a big sentimental speech and then comes out fine and you're like oh

when they tell you to love me but now he's going to be like now he's going to face like now he's going to face you again after like he comes back

and goes oh I thought he was a cunt I'm just going to pretend to be in a coma for a bit so I don't have to face him

he was so awkward about it as well and he woke up a couple hours he was supposed to be under for like a day or something or two days

after the surgery he wakes up after like a few hours way too early so he's in real pain like he's apparently like screaming and stuff and we're told it's not going to be pretty come in you can visit him so me and we all come in they've had him he's literally turning his bed can't even speak he's in pain like moaning and stuff horrific but all we were that we were wearing like the icu like little bib thing like the intensive care thing and they were pink

and all I can hear from this thing is pink fags and you're wearing pink scrubs yeah it's the only thing

you can say in pain and again I was like just fuck it put them back can you cut his legs off now he kept his legs I was devastated

but see you good later oh my god it's one of it's actually it's actually amazing your fucking because you're

you're pretty solid like considering like you've got your shit together like every story you tell me I'm like I'm surprised

by how down to earth and not messed up you are these aren't like the stories these are the more fun ones these mental ones like about fighting people are the more fun ones these mental ones

like about fighting people but like it goes back in his past you know because he was born in the troubles you know right in

the middle of all this you put quotation marks on as if it didn't happen you know the gulf war I'll be getting

a lot of trouble for that one but like there are all these stories about, like, he was, like, the most... His house was painted green, white and gold and shit, like, you know, and he dated when he was, like, 18.

He started seeing this Protestant girl, which is, like, the most big no-no possible, right? Romeo and Juliet. Right? So he's walking home one night after seeing her and the UVF catch him because they hear about it and they kick the shit out of him right and put him

up and they are like fucking don't ever go near her again blah blah blah

was that her family he goes UVF no was that like what's UVF again

it's just like basically real militant protestants so they're like stop touching our woman

so that is because she's one of their party yeah but it wasn't family members it was just like she's a protest their party. Yeah, basically, right. But it wasn't family members. It was just like, she's a Protestant woman.

Yeah, it shouldn't happen. Get your Catholic-covered cock away from her. Yeah, exactly. So they kick the shit out of him. He spends two days in the hospital in bits, right? He comes out of the hospital and he's walking home and the IRA catch him and do the same thing. They catch him and kick the shit out of him again.

Because they're going with the Protestants? Yeah. So is the IRA his team? Yeah. So when he's on the walk home, they bundle him in the van and kick the shit out of him, right? And then they were like, he goes halfway through kicking the shit out of him and they were like, what's this? He had that hospital, but why are you all bruises?

And then he was like, oh, the UVF got me first. And then they were raging. They're like, how dare they get our man first before us? Like a childish little, like they were raging. Like, how dare they get our man first before us? Like a childish little, like, they were distressed

that the UVF kicked the shit out of him before they got him and stuff like that. So they went and kicked the shit out of the UVF guys. And I was like, how did that end up?

He goes, well, obviously never went near her again. I was like, alright. Not a very cool ending. That got laid and then got batted off

the fucking UVF in the raw. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's enough to stop you oh man you fucking sometimes you get a headache you pay

sometimes you pay the price to get with a girl like when you're a single man you put up with some fucking bullshit oh women

one of the like his real name's not Eugene as well no have I told you this one no you're right he went to get a passport

what a weird fake name by the way no he went to get his he thought it was his name he went to get his passport yeah when he was 18 years old right for a holiday

and he was like you know you never need passports or some shit until you're 18 yeah he went to get a passport when he was like 18 and the guy was like

going through records and he's like there's no Eugene Cullen born there and he was like aye there is and he went to get a passport when he was like 18 and the guy was like going through records and he's like there's no Eugene Cullen born there and he was like aye there is and he went back to his his mum like

right and she's like she's just not wiffing at all right ever right so Granny Cullen

that's Granny Cullen I dead Granny Cullen it's ripped on constantly by everyone here first woman ever to be bullied down bullied face down ass up

she kept the British Army one for a fucking couple of decades her open casket was the lower half oh my god oh god I've liked it rest in peace

he goes he goes there's no he goes back goes there's no he goes back to her and he's like am I born there yet and he goes is my name Eugene

yeah and she's like oh no actually no it isn't and he's like what he's standing there and he goes

what and he goes she couldn't pronounce it so she goes it's like Magella or something because that's a woman's name right

and she's like it's Magella and we were that's a woman's name right and she's like it's Magella and we were like this girl she's always mixed my granny used to mix up sorry I remember one day

we came home and she goes them fucking Elizabethans next door making a lot of noise and she met lesbians but we were with their big

frilly collars their big their big powdered wigs and she's like your name's Magella or something and he's like he took him ages to track down a priest collars, their big powdered wigs. She's like, your name's Magella or something? He took them ages to track down a priest. Things weren't as easy that day.

They apparently named him the day he was born, and he's named after Pope Pius II. So my dad's real name is Eugenius Pacelli, a double-barrel first name. A double-barrel first name? Eugenius Pacelli. Eugenius Pacelli. Cullen. Cullen. And he's the most un-Eugenius Pacelli Eugenius Pacelli Colin and he's the most un-Eugenius Pacelli person

you can ever fucking meet I think he kills dolphins he gives dogs drug overdoses oh my god oh Eugene

does he ever seen your comedy aye he has he was at it he was at it the last he was at it there the only other the first time he saw me at comedy? aye he has he was at it the last he was at it there

the only other the first time he saw me doing comedy is the day I I walked like 30 people back home and most of my family were there

it was like everyone's really angry and stuff and I started shouting at the crowd and my grandmother started crying it was my worst gig ever

I remember you saying that that wasn't Granny Cullen was it? no that's a different Granny right so this so Eugene this guy comes up to me.

Long story short, he's supposed to be a father to Ted Knight, and I'm not on father to Ted. And he was, like, hammered, and he was, like, in his 50s. He was like, I paid 20 quid to see Dermot Morgan, and I'd lost it at this stage. And I was like, he died in 97, you fat cunt, right? So it started to get on, and two people tried to glass each other in the front row.

Like, I was trying to calm it down. I had lost all control, right? I was dying up there. Like, I was trying to calm it down. I had lost all control, right? I was dying up there. Like, I was just trying to, it was just screaming abuse, right? I see him leaving. And then I see my dad getting up. This is me on stage with the mic. And I'm like, no, no.

So he just starts fighting. He decides to kick the shit out of him. Still in the room. While you're still on. Yeah, while I'm still on. I'm like, guys, this is a bad thing. I see him at the start. He's pushing him through the double doors

at the back in this fucking hotel he wanted to wait up at the late bar just in case he came back calm down Eugene you know what I mean Eugene

Eugene's a bit chilly yeah that was that was the one time we tried to start a sitcom called Eugene which is just

old 1970s and it's all these stories but at the end of each one, it's just, Eugene! And then all the crap. Just your dad spilling a dead dolphin on a beach. Oh, Eugene! Putting the third tranquilizer into the dolphin. No tranquilizer.

Yeah. Eugene! That one as well, I told you. This one shouldn't be in our podcast, but I'm pretty sure he, like... If there's ever a podcast with those type of stories I told you this one shouldn't be in a podcast but I'm pretty sure he like if there's ever a podcast with those type of stories

it's this one he kind of like admitted to kind of like a murder here we go we've got an exclusive this is this is

this is one day after the dolphin situation. I got the fucking taste for it. Boxing Day or Stephen's Day or whatever, right? He comes in. He's hammered this time. He's got Boxing Day, Stephen's Day.

Yeah, that's Ireland. Is it? Sure, sure. It's probably just your family. I've got to be honest. Me and Stephen die. Stephen is Pacelli day. Dying of the trolls.

He goes to me, right? He's telling a story. Now, I think this one's a joke. Like, the rest of them I've had to, like, are they true? Oh, you've fact-checked and you've double-checked. This one hasn't been fact-checked because how can you? You don't want it to be fact-checked. I don't also want it to be fact-checked, right?

So he goes to me. He goes, I remember one day, we were on the topic of suicide, you know, Christmas, banter. He goes, I was fishing once there just off that just you know down the river in Strabanda Fowler

or whatever and he goes some guy jumped off the bridge trying to you know kill himself and I was like alright

and he goes but he was like he bollard all the trout you know I was getting really angry he started the fish humanity is not going well you know like he bollard all the trout. You know, I was getting really angry. He startled the fish. Humanity is not going well.

He goes, I bothered the trout. Right. The guy jumped on the thing. He's like, fucking trout botherer. Yeah. Ripped the fucking trout. Scattered the trout. And he goes, and I go, well, okay.

I'm fishing here. So I was already kind of going like, well, that's a weird thing to say after something like that. And he goes, I know. He goes, I had to go in and help him. I don't know. Right. So I cool you saved his life yeah and as i could so he is like blah blah because who is this guy or what happened then he goes well i had to tell the police or something i was like what do you mean and he was like when i said i went to help him i thought he meant like help him out of the water he goes no i already finished the job and we were like so he's telling us and we were all like

like when he says it like nonchalantly he's just pushing the oar he's just pushing him with the oar pushing him further under

like you know when you flush the toilet right and the shit won't go down and you just get like the toilet brush and you're just trying to like push the jobby

around the bed like your dad's doing that with a human being this guy might not jumped off a bridge he might have fallen and he's like oh thank god

somebody's like what are you doing we're going to help him not help him out scoops him up and brings him back to the bridge again Eugene

it's just it's just nice that your dad's got a catch and release policy with human beings as well I love the idea of him just fucking ringing you on Boxing Day and you fucking turn up

at the beach and there's just a dude dragling. Drag mugs out of the fucking river. This is just it's always animals. He used to have a gun. He used to go hunting. Why? He used to go hunting. Hunting war. Cats.

When I was like 13 he goes I remember him going like I've sold the gun. Right, no, he shot my dog. How is that the part of the story you forget? He was feeling a bit dodgy about it because I go, it was, and I'm not even joking, it was around Christmas time because this is when I'm back home and I was like, I'm going up to feed the dog, Stilo,ilo right and it's a big red setter and he goes

he puts his arm he goes don't and i go away and he goes because i shot him and i didn't know he was dead he didn't tell us for like two days right i just winged him shut him yeah yeah so he's a bit dodgy about the gun thing he feels sad about it after years of shooting stuff in it so the next thing he comes in about two days there he goes i sold the gun i was like was it about steel he goes ah there was something else too and i go what was it and he goes well i was i was like this isn't hunting right he was cleaning the he was washing the dishes right and he said i saw this really cool, beautiful, but it looked like a duck, but I think it must be some sort of weird

bird, and it stepped on it flew into the where we had a bird feeder. So he got the shotgun and shot it from point blank range. From point blank? I was like, that's not hunting, that is a trap. You're doing your dishes your dishes you shot a bird

on your bird feeder you alert it in it's a bird feeder put a little bit of crusted bread on the end of his barrel it's a double barrel shotgun it's theory of the movie

was a beautiful thing so it's like oh right I don't agree with this but like okay you want to hunt it as a trophy because it's so beautiful

but when you shoot it point blank it's no longer a fucking trophy it's so beautiful but when you shoot it point blank it's no longer a fucking trophy it's a pillow you're not going to eat it now it's a pheasant

or something yeah he told me as well he'd once shot a duck before on the top of the Straban bridge which probably was the same bridge as he got

but he goes oh I saw it it was coming it landed on the water and it shot down off the bridge and I was like that's insane

you're shooting off a bridge that's not really hunting he goes yeah and then I had to run across you know like when you're a kid you free like

a stick so he ran across to see the bits of duck coming at the ears and I was like alright he's getting insane how did your dad walk on the streets

now he's like completely against hunting hunting and it took And it took him It took him seven murders Well no Hunting with a gun

Taken to the fact that The dolphin was this Christmas I'm into bigger animals I'm into bigger animals And smaller guns I do use my teeth You use your cock screw off You're supposed to sell me now

Even now I'm just like God that's four stories now That he's involved Killing animals That's the sign of a serial killer Aye It's not the signs It's the traits

It's the evidence The actual one he killed the guy That was the sign Not a death Aye but aye He's a good lad I'm going to do all these stories in stand up now

but I'm just like I can't really run them by him I'm just going to have to go with it sorry for calling you maybe that might be a good way to do it though if you start doing it

on stage right because I've often found whenever I tell stories about my parents on stage if I've ever exaggerated points you know if i've said something that absolutely happened and they're like that's absolutely not how it happened actually my parents if i want the truth out of my parents i'll lie about them on stage and then they'll come and tell me the truth be interested definitely invite eugene to see the show do the fucking like all the stories in it right and then at the end he'll be like I'll have you fucking know right

then just get the police come in and just like speak to your lapel go now we've got him you want a load of money very quickly on a horse race

is he with it like could I hold a conversation with you would think he's normal if you came in here fine you would just can we get him on the podcast

one day can we just say as well yeah that would be fucking great but you were saying he won a lot of money on a horse race you know the day of the Grand National

and you told us you got a tip through off his dad right so I texted him when I got in I never bet on fucking much a couple of actors

on the UFC when I know who's fighting and then I said who did dad put on honestly the first horse that fell literally out of

all the fucking horses in the National the first hurdle because they dragged it three times I think they chugged the guy the first hurdle because they drugged it three times I think they drugged the guy the guy on top of it he

the jockey I think they called him the jockey about a year ago he won a I came back for the weekend and my mum was on holidays with her friends

right and he had won a load of money on a horse race and he was like don't tell your mum don't tell your mum shouldn't be gambling that much he won like, don't tell your mum. Don't tell your mum. Shouldn't be gambling that much. He won so many thousand.

Then he went on the night out and it's a small town now where they've moved to. It's a busy place because people go on holidays but it's only like 300, 200 population. The bars are full. He literally bought everyone in the town rounds all night and blew all of it.

As if it was his own daughter's wedding yeah so he blows it all in one night I'm at the house going like I'm there at the bar too going like what the fuck right I go home early right I was like I can't

I can't he's so hammered he comes back my mum comes he's like right it's a pure secret nobody knows I was like yeah cool no problem

my mum comes back in holidays the long suffered Mary my dad's all like shall we go for a wee walk down the town you know trying to be all yeah

he walks down the town and literally every person on the street's like Eugene he's just moved to the town nobody knows who he is

and my mum's like what the fuck have you done yeah we only moved like a couple of months the entire town is yeah because he

disappeared didn't he Eugene legend fuck man I think that takes us nicely onto your dad shows yeah I think it does

doesn't it they're going to seem a little bit tame now I know I can't hear many of them at Cullen so yeah we're going to

bypass Muggle Corner for one week you know what I think we should do as well because this is coming up in an hour we'll go do the gig and then we'll get

maybe come back and get another one in the can yeah we'll be fucked then just so you know just for we should do as well because this is coming up in our and we'll go do the gig you know good memories come back and get another one in the car yeah we'll be fucked then just so you know just for people who haven't heard only heard calling on to podcast he's sober for this one also anything to plug I think we're all at Brighton this weekend right next weekend next weekend right and Brian's next weekend this weekend I'm in Cardiff if youon's next weekend. So this weekend I'm in Cardiff. If you listen to this now, as it comes out, I'm in Cardiff on the weekend

at the Glee Club and then the weekend after I'm at the Brighton Comedia. Yeah. What gigs you got coming up? I'm not, but I'm coming to that gig. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You just can't bother us in Brighton. Bring it there. I'm also in Brighton next Friday doing my own show now at the Comedia and can you make sure this podcast comes out on Thursday? Yeah, I'll put it out now. Friday doing my own show now at the Comedia and if can you make sure this podcast

comes out on Thursday yeah I'll put it out now oh could just if you leave it for Thursday I can do or if you leave it tomorrow night I can do the announcement right let's talk about this after

alright okay we'll do it we'll do it we'll just do it on the later on podcast also if you want to see Cullen go to YouTube

he's a YouTube sensation he's on a thing called Facts Facts is gone I know but the fucking YouTube thing is still there right I'm going to try it

he basically like tastes biscuits and gives his opinion on that for money eyebrow stuff your dad does his hair with a balloon

oh yeah pretty tame in comparison Cullen's dad does what he does Kai your dad drops his hair with a balloon oh yeah pretty tame Colin's dad does it too Kai your dad drops at Moisty Mire likes the scenery your dad uses dacks on his shoulder hair Colin your dad's got a thug life tattoo

across his chest Colin your dad licks his lip before turning the pages in porn Slash your dad wears travel bands when he's watching the Formula 1 Slash your dad always puts a ham sandwich in his trouser pocket so that dogs give him attention in the park

Kai your dad can fit a whole fist inside of his mouth which is why he's so confusing to fight against it's like fighting Kirby give it back Kai your dad thinks Carved EM is the type of fish and my dad's going to kill him Colin your dad can't do a handstand

but he keeps going Kai watch and then trying to do one Colin I like big butts and I cannot lie and your dad hates Muslims and I wish he'd keep his voice down Kai your dad turns up to Ann Summers for Ann Summers parties I'm going to have to kill this one.

Now actually, Cullen, this is you. This isn't even your dad joke. This is your dad fact. On a nice sunny day, your dad likes to take his boogie to the back garden so he can kill butterflies. Kai, your mum put oil in the bird feeder pool to stop your dad from stealing the nuts. But joke's on hard because now he's a semi-professional stripper called Bugsy, I'm so alone.

Josh, your dad thinks trophy hunting is stupid because you can buy them in shop. Colin, your dad has a union jack for jazzle Kai your dad wears velcro condoms oh fuck your dad's against animal testing only because he thinks it's a waste of links because he keeps trying's a waste of links. Because he keeps trying to fuck the cat. Your dad pulls his pants

down off his ankles and goes wee wee like a little schoolboy. Oh yeah, well your dad's shit standing up in place to keep you up and with his jobby.

Okay, your dad has got a copy of FHM under his bed but only uses it to prop it up the bed. To stop it shugging.

Sloss, your dad could never get saved at a busy bar because he's so meek. That's true. Colin, your dad got married in Daisy Duke jean shorts. Sloss, your dad writes Daddy Cool when it says fill in street name on forms.

Colin, your dad always loses his cool because he gets angry during Ramadan. Kai, your dad's got a knife in the toe of his boot so he can spread butter on the toast that he drops. Kai, your dad released his teddy bears into the wild. Oh, come on, you've been on fire, mate.

I've got one last one. Kai, your dad's a gammon he's a gammon what is that so basically you know when old old white right wing men

get angry and shouty like they've got they can now complain it's a fucking skin condition when they get shouty they turn fucking red like gammon so when they've got like

like burst capillaries because of all the fucking whiskey they've drunk when they've been racist in the pub aye so that's it so they're now

claiming that it's fucking it's a white man condition it's a white man condition and they've just been like

it's racist it's like all of you have said the n-word and the n-word has like a thousand or maybe

500 years of fucking you've all said it definitely in private right and I know you've they'll be like And the N-word has, like, what, a thousand, or maybe not, 500 years of fucking brutal history. You've all said it, definitely, in private, right? And I know you've had, and they'll be like, I've got this fucking skin condition. How do you call me? Fuck you, you gammon cunts.

Everyone use the word gammon. Fucking use it. Now that you've filled me in on that, I appreciate it and can't wait to add it. He is a fucking gammon, though. All right, well, we'll potentially see you in a couple of hours, but a couple of days for you cunts. Right.

Love you.