Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.42 Four Guys, Two Mics

Episode Date: May 19, 2018

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and Daniel. After a work in progress show in Edinburgh practicing fringe material Ryan Cullen and Mark Nelson join Muggins and Cream in a late night drunk-cast recorded several hours and several pints after the previeous "Eugene" Podcast. 

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats? That's hack

Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11? How do you like your muggins in the morning? I like mine with a cream.

I hate every part of this. I mean, it's pretty impressive now, 85 episodes. Yeah, but first of all, 80 of them have been dog shit. Not the episodes, just your start. I think we have done 50 good ones. 80? Yeah. You said 90. 95, that means you have done 50 good ones. 80? Yeah.

You said 90. 95, that means you have done 50 good ones. 50? You said 50. I thought you were terrible at maths there. We are back. It's several hours after the last one, but for you, it's fucking like four days. It is. We have Uncle Snunky himself.

Ryan Cullen is back. Hi. Eugene. And Mr. Marcus of House Nelson. Hello. He's back There's nothing we didn't cover last time Nelson was on We did everything for Madeleine McCann at Down Syndrome

Aye, yeah But I mean, the Venn diagram, that's very sad That's just the lad family We just went down that porn search Oh mate I would fucking hate to see your hard drive, like, no search history. Your hard drive would make me go soft drive. So we've had a drink.

We've had a drink. We've done some jokes. We've done some jokes. We did work in progress. I got around calling for the first time ever as a one-line comedian. Comedian? Comedian. Aye.

It's a female term for a comedian. You did some stories. Aye. Basically the stories you told on the podcast aye but it's like doing my first gig over again was it

I had no idea what I was doing yeah really aye it's kind of refreshing yeah just to throw yourself in the deep end

aye because you did this thing at the beginning as well because we'd done notes off our phone and you did the thing where you were like

oh you're a one-night-and-comedian 95% of them don't work and 5% of them do and the other 95% that don't work and you threw away some of your, and the other 95% that don't work, and you threw away some of your jokes that never made the cut, they were fucking banging.

Yeah, yeah. So there was a higher hit ratio of your throwaway jokes than Kai's idioms at the start of this fucking podcast. Hi. Yeah, yeah. He's actually,

he's not hand, he's telling you to hold the mic while he pours wine. We only have two mics between the photos. Hey, look at us with two mics, who are we? Gareth Waugh I'm just pulling an alley

I'm assuming everyone listens to this book, Gareth Waugh does a show where he's got two mics, one of them he lies into and one of them he tells the truth into did he ever get to the bottom of does he, because when you tell true stories on stage they're not always necessarily true, you try and get them as close to home as possible.

Are the ones that he told the true, Mike, 100% true? Yeah. Or was he a bit untrue to that also? I think they were embellished, but in the same sense that whenever we do, because some of his lie ones were just genuine lies. They didn't happen. Yeah. My favourite part about going to Gareth's show was he does an excellent Nelson impression.

So when he does it in the crowd, nobody this time knew it was a part of the movie. And it was just me screaming, laughing in the middle. And that's the side of a true artist, the fact that he's like, nobody's going to get this joke. I'm doing it for me. I genuinely, I kind of remember that weekend that he's talking about.

Because the story, most people won't have heard because nobody went to get a show it's him, it was like the first weekend he'd done a festival, a music festival with comics and he burnt his arm and then he took drugs and then, but I didn't

take anything that weekend and you know Darren Connell, you know Darren Connell you know Darren Connell, Ryan it Connell you know Darren Connell Ryan it's like it's the scott squad it's the scott squad yeah yeah and I came back to my tent

that night and he was like he'd done fucking ketamine and he was like crawling along the ground like a fucking caterpillar Darren was Darren was

and I was like what kind of fucking caterpillar like foam office yeah yeah totally totally it was like foam office

it was like it's like somebody locked him in a sleeping bag but nobody told him that there wasn't a thumb up yeah yeah totally it was like it was like it's like somebody locked him in a sleeping bag but nobody told him that there wasn't a sleeping bag yeah yeah I was like

what world have I walked back into here and fucking got us whining about his fucking arm the whole night oh yeah

because was that like the one where did he do material about that yeah so he did about like he thought his arm was on fire

because he took something yeah and then it realised he just had it out the window when he was driving. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was until the fucking next day.

There was that great story with, like, you both did a gig during the Edinburgh Festival and you were headlining, Gareth was opening and you were running late. So Gareth goes on stage, does that story and does the impression and then says to the audience, you're not going to laugh at this, but when the headliner come on,

you're all going to lose your fucking mind because this is a spot on impression. Finishes the gig, you turn up, walk on stage. The second you say something, the audience start laughing their fucking asses off. I've seen a video of that.

I genuinely thought my cock was hanging out. It's the only thing I could explain it with. See, when an audience starts laughing, I don't assume they've seen my dick. It's a real... The only time I've ever got a standing ovation

oh fuck the cocks out yeah yeah yeah we had a gig in Punch Drunk where Brendan Burns

was on second and he got like a groan you know a response that Brendan Burns can get where he gets a response off the audience

but it's not necessarily laughed at and then Mike Wilmot ran through to see what was going on because he thought that Brendan was losing the gig so he was coming to watch the car crash

but he realised Brendan had hold of the gig and then just left and went back to the bar in the other room again and Brendan clocked that that had happened and he was like, you see, he'd come in because he thought I was going to bomb

and now that I'm not bombing, he's not interested. So what you've got to do when he comes on stage to close the gig, as soon as his hand touched the mic, everybody at once stand up and say,

fuck off to back to Canada, you cunt. And sure enough, I'd even forget about it at this point, right? Like, there's an interval, I went on MC and Mike Wilmot comes on

and he didn't touch the mic at first, he was just like raising his hands to get them to cheer and the cheer, as soon as his hand touched the mic,

the fucker stood up and shouted that at him and he reacted like he'd been physically punched in the face because he hadn't seen the set up alright

so if it was most confusing the only one I've had similar to that was when we were in Cardigan in Wales right because when we

tour together obviously I don't watch his set every day because I've got things on oh it's the velvet alright so you guys

might not know this I cannot touch velvet yeah yeah we know it fucking freaks me the fuck out I don't know this are you done no yeah yeah we know it fucking freaks me the fuck out okay I don't know this

are you done? no I don't want to share the mic with you anymore the thing is it's not it's not it's not like a fear

like the amount of people that are like are you skating velvet I'm not skating velvet but whenever I touch it it's just a visceral reaction is it some kind of Pavlov dog thing

that's what I'm trying to work out was I molested via velvet man do you like Prince? eh no I'm not to work out. Was I molested via velvet, man? Do you like Prince? No, I'm not going anywhere with that stuff. Thanks for chatting. She's going to start talking about the royal wedding. The segue.

Like a fear of heights I get because you don't want to fall and die. A fear of shocks. Everybody should have a fear of shocks, right? But it's not a fear. It's not like if you're wearing velvet, I'll fucking run away with it. It's just like, I'm not going to touch it.

Just because whenever I touch it, it just, it's, I don. It's not like if you're wearing velvet, I'll fucking run away with it. It's just like, I'm not going to touch it. Just because whenever I touch it, it just, it's, I don't know what it is. It's like nails down a chalkboard for me. That's exactly what it just feels like. You know when you hear it and your hair's on your arm stand up? For some reason, that's what happened. But can you not override that as a grown-up human?

Well, no, I do. Like, that's the thing. Like, if I'm with people in velvet, I'm not fucking running away. Like, yesterday when I was buying my fucking suit, there was a velvet coat hanger. I was like, well, I'm going to ask for a separate coat hanger. But I'm also people in velvet, I'm not fucking run away. Like, yesterday when I was buying my fucking suit, there was a velvet coat hanger. I was like, well, I'm going to ask for a separate coat hanger. But I'm also not going to be like, oh, there's a velvet coat hanger in there.

I can't touch it. Make it part of your identity. Yeah, no. I'm a velvet guy. I'm very aware that it's a fucking weird irrational. The fact that it moves. Like, you know how you touch it and you can move it one way? I don't know what it...

It just sends shivers down your fucking spine. What about felt? You play with felt? It's the same with cotton wool balls. You see, if you squeeze a cotton wool ball down your fucking spine, I can't... It's the weirdest fucking thing.

Frosted glass is another one that for some reason... I don't know what it is. I don't know why it triggers me. It just does. We're doing this... And you've known this about me because it's a dumb fact and it's a stupid fucking irrational thing,

but it's... Christ. Frosted's a stupid fucking irrational thing. Right. Frosted glass? Somebody once handed me a frosted glass and I dropped it immediately because the second I felt it, my visceral reactions would go, ah, smashed it on the floor. Jesus. I don't know what it is. Maybe I was molested by an upper middle class man or woman.

Frosted glass. He just came out from... Yeah, in the bathroom. Yeah, and his sidekick was a moth Any fears Colin? Nah Sunlight? So

He goes on stage In Cardigan Right Gets on stage Realises that the Cover of the fucking table Is velvet And just says to the audience

Just so you know Just Explain the story Watch Sloss freak out The second he gets into this table Sure enough I'm on stage Fucking 45 minutes later I walk over to the table Put my hand on it Right just so you know just watch explain the story watch Sloss freak out the second he gets into this table sure enough I'm on stage fucking 45 minutes later

I walk over to the table put my hand on it right and just impulse fucking back and I had to deal with two minutes of an audience laughing being like

I'd called it I'd called it that he was going to react yeah at least yeah it was one of the few times I'm like okay at least you're all aware of my rash

you know how you went just internalised it and went oh that's velvet I'm not going to touch it right I wonder if any of them would internalised it and went, oh, that's velvet. I'm not going to touch it, right? I wonder if any of them would have got home and went, what the fuck was

Kion about at the beginning? I really took a punt on the fact you were going to recoil at the velvet. Yeah, what a weird lie to spread because it's such a weird fact.

How did you get to Cardigan? We drove. You drove? We drove. Did you go listening? What? You said that like you're planning a journey? No, no, no.

At any point did you pull over? Oh! Yes! Yes! We did! We drove some old ladies. We did. So, Cardigan...

I wish I had that joke in the barrel at the time. Cardigan is so... In such a secluded fucking part of Wales. So we're driving... It's late at night and there's... We drive past a car and there's just two old ladies beside the car

and Kai's like it just looks like the car's broken down so he gets out right and he's like I'm gonna help them and I'm like

I'm not fucking survival of the fittest who gives a shit Kai being nice goes around tries to communicate and then in Geordie English

they only fucking speak Welsh and he's just like actual Welsh accent like they only spoke Welsh so they were giving it their fucking cling on that's perfect only fucking speak Welsh and he's just like actual not Welsh accent like they only spoke Welsh yeah yeah so they were giving it their fucking cling on

it's perfect no I just man it was so easy to hide the bodies yeah you'll never find them you have a joke about

the Welsh accent it's fucking great thanks mate thanks dude I'm not going to take a bit of the podcast what do you think this podcast is

watch your step just plug for it didn't you you were podcast is watch this set just plug for a month didn't you you were at the back of the laughter lounge the other month when I was in Dublin and I was getting

into a bit that you really liked right so I'd set the bit up and you went to his mate fuck I love this bit this is one of my

favourites of his and I ducked out of it and done something else as if I was just like fuck you Cullen from the stage yeah and it was a lot of comedian I was just like fuck you cull in from the stage yeah it was in a little community

and I was like Jim it's not going to happen sorry I got really excited there do you do you like the Welsh wait as a people

or an audience and as an audience are great yeah just as a general kind of I've got this I've got this problem

with just it's the same with people that speak going out in Scotland but occasionally

like when I'm driving up to Thurso where my grandparents are the radio station's cut out and you tune

into one and they're speaking Scottish Gaelic and it's like that's done we're done with that

stop it it's no even longer like I don't think it's cultural heritage anymore it's just stubbornness

you can still speak it absolutely if I can still speak it but cultural heritage anymore it's just stubbornness you can still speak it absolutely fucking still speak it but and I hate to say this

about white Scottish people fucking learn English my kids are going to Gaelic school are they

yeah no will they learn Gaelic yeah why are you doing that because it's

a fucking great my wife Amy she's born in Isle of Lewis in Stornoway so she's born in Isle of Lewis

in Stornoway so she's like fluent. Is she? Gallic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whenever she's pissing you off

does she ever just like if she's trying to insult you she's just like hold on I'm going to insult him in a language he doesn't understand.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then there's words they don't have yet. She's like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Cunt.

Right, I didn't catch any of those words but I did hear the word chode said seven times. I love it when I hear in London when you hear No, no, no, no, no. Cunt. Right, I didn't catch any of those words, but I did hear the word chode said seven times. I love it when I hear in London, when you hear Chinese people speaking in Mandarin and then they'll just say Starbucks in the middle of it. It fucking gets us every time.

My friend Alex, in high school, in first and second year, his nickname was Turkey because we were 11 and he was from Turkey and we didn't really understand what racism was we had so many teachers being like you didn't understand how fucking nicknames worked either he was the only one

from Turkey of course he's called Turkey should have faith but we started calling him Turkey because in our close group of friends because we were just like we'll just call him Turkey he's from Turkey we've never met someone called Turkey and then and this is how it worked we started calling him Turkey and then and this is how it worked we started calling him turkey

and then everyone who didn't like Alex started using turkey as an insult for us it was just a nickname and then other people misused it

and then started spitting up the same dirty turkey or they'd call him turkey and then they'd go gobble gobble and just really

fucking shit racism but because we'd started the nickname we were the ones that were then reprimand nickname we were the ones that were then reprimanded we were like you caught i'm like yeah but for us it was just a fucking nickname listening to him on the phone with his uh mother or his grandmother was the funniest thing because it was literally spoke fluent turkish it's just like how about a hamburger

like what was that conversation that happened with Troy who'd done all the camera work for Muff. He spoke Turkish on the phone of his family and every time he'd come off the phone I'd crack this joke a million times going, I didn't know you knew Geordie. I've got something to ruin for you, Kai. So on the side of this...

You're an arsehole. You're a wedding. So it's six years ago when we were in Iceland we had an amazing Icelandic comedian called Ali Elcharn open for me before Kai went on

but he did the whole set in Icelandic so me and Kai went out to watch it because it's just funny to watch comedy but he was getting McIntyre responses

but we couldn't hear what he was saying we couldn't understand it we were just like looking at the audience going you're killing that man he's a celebrity over there as well

his dad's the prime minister ex prime minister ex prime minister proper political such a smart comic he's doing his gig and he's ripping we're just listening

to the rhythm of jokes and we're laughing because the audience is laughing because it's infectious there's one thing he said in English and it got a round of applause and like two minutes of laughter right it's just

yo motherfucker i'm a flower right and me and kai died laughing because we're like could we try to backward manufacture it there's nothing there's no i've got it i thought i had the answer which so my answer was, because we wouldn't let him tell us what it was, because we were like, we want to figure this out, so next time we see, he can let us know, right? So I think I figured it out for when I see him, and I saw him at the Fringe, but I forgot to bring it up, is he must have said to them in Icelandic,

those two English motherfuckers are backstage, they don't know what the fuck I'm saying right now, I'm just going to say something in English, and you guys are going to fucking take the roof off this place And then he went in English Yo motherfucker I'm a flower And they just went blah Chris Rock responds blah

Allow me to tell you something that's not real Ari was over in Melbourne Doing his first run out there And I went to see his solo show And he did all of his material in English And I saw the set up to that joke it's been ruined it's great

but not the response you got in Iceland no no because it was like because it's a joke about the Icelandic national anthem right so it's like to the Icelandic it's very funny because they know that because their song is about a flower what kind of fucking country would do that right the flower Scotland that was the joke yes their song is about a flower what kind of fucking country would do that right

the flower Scotland that was the joke that's the joke I'll take flower Scotland for a thousand yeah so I've seen the set still look Ari's a fucking brilliant comedian but there was part of me when I saw because I didn't know it was the joke

the second he did the punchline I was just like aww yeah the magic's The second he did the punch, I was just like, aww. Because there's nothing. Yeah, the magic's gone. Yeah, yeah. Do you know, you know the Dark Tower series? You aren't worried about spoilers for the Dark Tower series, are you?

No. It ends when he gets to the Dark Tower and it's his, like... What's the price? No, no. But it's about the journey. Like, it's about the journey. It's not about what's in the Dark Tower.

And then the epilogue's about what's in the Dark Tower. And you go through it and he's like, why the fuck are you still here? It's not about what's in the Dark Tower and then the epilogue is about what's in the Dark Tower and you go through it and it's like why the fuck are you still here it's not about what's in the Dark Tower it's about the fucking

getting here see before like did I I don't know if I told you this Ryan erm this is weird two

but two two times ago that I did the Laughter Lounge in Dublin right erm now normally you do

like Thursday Friday Saturday eh and Peter who runs the club had asked me to come over on the Wednesday right so I'd flown over in Dublin now normally you'd do like Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Peter who runs the club would ask me to come over

on the Wednesday right so I flew over on the Wednesday and I did the club on the Wednesday because there was a Swedish comic and he was like the Swedish McIntyre

Morton Anderson something like that yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so he was like erm would you open for him

I was like yeah fucking extra extra cash another night in Dublin so I went in and there's like Alex so he was like would you open for him I don't know yeah fucking extra cash and another night in Dublin so I went in and there's like it's rammed it's fucking

like how many does the last lounge settle oh 350 maybe yeah you could definitely ram 400 yeah and it must be like

the entire Swedish community of Dublin like gorgeous stunning gorgeous people because like they're all about

like Dublin fucking gargoyly fucking and then and then it's just called that whole city yeah

stunning people and then like he came on and did about five minutes and then introduced me on

and just their faces dropped and this the genuine confusion of all these like fucking supermodels just looking going why and this genuine confusion of all these fucking supermodels just looking going, why is this man talking about

how he can't kill suicide anymore? Why is there a medical experiment on stage? And then after it, why isn't he Morton? It might not be, he's just getting, there's a bunch of Swedish comics. He was filming his European tour and the camera

came up afterwards and his agent came up to him and was like would you mind doing a bit and I was like yeah sure

was he Swedish wasn't Danish no he was definitely Swedish definitely Swedish and there's a tradition where they give you

a gift like as they meet you they give you a gift so he gave me this small wooden horse so I don't shove it up your arse there's a little man inside of it gift, like if they meet you, they give you a gift. So he gave me this small wooden horse. Don't shove it up your arse, there's loads of little men inside of it. Don't look it in the mouth.

That was so weird. It was a good night, it was a good day. But he was getting fucking mad, like unbelievable reception. Have you still got the wooden horse? No, I've still got the wooden horse, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why does that phrase mean? From the the wooden horse? I've still got the wooden horse Why does that phrase mean? It's from the Trojan horse No I know the Trojan horse one But what does don't look a gift horse in the mouth mean?

Why is that bad? The sword just came out and started making trouble Again still the Trojan one? Yeah it's a gift It was like oh look at this we've got a gift Bring it in and look in the mouth Surely you should look in it's mouth Because that's where the bad things are

I don't know. No but they opened up their mouth and then all the cunts came out and fucking. So the theory is

if they just hadn't opened their mouth all the Greeks would have been like well I guess we're staying in boys.

We did not think this through. They are coming out like look it's either like look at Gifford over to the mouth otherwise

it's coming out the arsehole. Like one way they weren't going to be like no guys the element of surprise is they've got to.

I don't believe that story. What? It's a big if. It's a big. You don't believe the story of Troy? Nah, it doesn't make any sense to me. Why?

How big is the horse after all? Siri, don't look the gift horse in the mouth. What the fuck does that mean? So, don't give me toast. There's no need for that. I just got scolded

so the whole thing about the Trojan it's like it was like a gift and they were in the stomach of it only

because only some of them needed to be in there to open the gates of Troy so they brought it in that's where I went wrong I thought the entire army was in this magic horse

also it wasn't a magic horse it was a wooden horse no they didn't believe it also it's mythology isn't it No, they didn't believe it. Also, it's mythology, isn't it? Like, anything Greek isn't, like... It's like hearsay. No, no, this isn't pre-Roman. This isn't mythology.

This is actual... It's one of the ones where it came up in enough sources. Like, obviously, it was in the Iliad by Homer, but there was also enough... Dope. Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Nelson! Yeah, I think it's one of the ones, it's up for contention.

It's probably a myth, but there's Troy did get destroyed, and there was all these wars. It's probably what we were saying about truth and comedy. It probably came from a true thing, but it's probably highly embellished at this point. What was it, Ian? Do you want to know a little nugget that

I know that I don't know much about, but I can tell you the source of where I got it from? It was from Radiolabs, which do information on just general topics like the element of doubt, and talk about the element of doubt for like half an hour, or an hour, or whatever. And they were talking about the colour blue, and they were

saying that back in the Greek days, there was no mention of the colour blue. When Homer talked about the colour blue and they were saying that back in the Greek days there was no mention of the colour blue, when Homer talked about the sea, he talked about the red wine coloured sea and shit like that, so the eyes hadn't evolved to see the colour blue in the days when, that we're talking about with the Trojan horse in the Greek mythology

days, the colour blue wasn't a thing yet Do you know the Achilles got shot in the heel and then he died, do you know the Achilles got shot in the heel and then he died do you know where that comes from obviously they can't prove it but the theory is

basically in any form of war and stuff you get shot with an arrow arrows don't fucking kill you instantly right

they hit you and the way you go on is you don't pull it out because that's when you're bleeding the thing about arrows is they'll just

immediately close the wound leave it in snap it off leave it in snap off snap one off just keep yourself busy snap one, snap it off. Leave it in, snap it off. Snap one off. Just keep yourself busy. Snap one off.

Snap it off so you've still got the movement to hold up your shield and swing your fucking sword. They reckon the reason the myth of Achilles started is because he was obviously snapping off whoever this person was was snapping off all the things

but when he eventually succumbed to the wound the only place that he didn't was from an arrow to the heel. So he snapped off every other fucking thing but the one he's not snapped is the wound, the only place that he didn't was from an arrow to the heel, right? So he snapped off every other fucking thing, but the one he's not snapped is one of the heels. So they see this guy with all of these fucking arrows in him. Those are the wounds he succumbed to,

but the only one that's not broken is one of the heels. And they're like, it was his Achilles heel. That's the Achilles heel. Did you stab, did you? No, no, historians did. This isn't my theory. I I was saying are you giving me the Achilles heel that's connected

to Achilles fuck yeah yeah obviously that's where the fucking comes from I wasn't like what a coinkydink

up until then I reckon when they named Achilles they were like is this a gamble like Jesus this is real like nobody's

nobody's gonna it's a tempting fate alright nobody's gonna nobody's gonna say anything McCann's gonna call the kid Madeline for a couple of years. So in the historical fucking folklore shit like that, the reason you shake hands with your right hand

is to show you're not armed. Most people are right-handed, so you shake hands. But that's also why the British are correct to drive on the left-hand side of the road because that would be, when you're on your horse, you want your right hand to be ready for oncoming traffic to fight against the other mondales and um that's jousting it's jousting pretty much yeah but uh they they changed it in like in modern countries like america and australia where like you wouldn't have a sword in your hand just because you want

your fucking gear stick in your right hand just much easier it's the same reason like uh you can tell authentic uh was the spiral staircases you can tell authentic... What's the spiral staircases? You can tell if they're authentic by what way they spiral. If they spiral... If they spiral anti-clockwise, they're authentic. Anti-clockwise, not authentic. Because if you're defending a tower on a spiral staircase, you want that pole in the middle

so you can reach down with your right hand over and through and get that person. And that person who's attacking up with their right hand is and through and get that person and that person who's attacking up with their right hand is going to be hitting that fucking wall. But an Australian goes the other way.

Yeah. Take the bat. Or if you're left-handed, just... No, no, no, no, they killed them all back then. Alright, sorry. Like, and I honestly think

we should bring it back. Left-handed? Left-handed, it's just... Fucking, I'm left handed yeah but you could learn with your right you could

oh it's belted for fucking boxing no it's belted for sparring because nobody like even me when I get up

even though I'm a southpaw when I get up against a southpaw I'm confused because I train every fucking day with an orthodox fighter so I'm used to

an orthodox fighter I'm used to the kicks coming from where they come from and then I train with a southpaw and I'm like I never do this I never train to an orthodox fighter I'm used to the kicks coming from where they come from and then I train with a southpaw and I'm like I never do this

I never train with this but then everybody I fight against is not used to that they're always used to the other side right should we get off our history lesson

we're just saying southpaw country southpaw I'm not sure I'm not sure em it's not good I know that calm down

calm down I've never seen you this angry tell one story should we do Muggle Corner Muggle Corner because we didn't do Muggle Corner in the last one

because Eugene Eugene took us on that stage for a long time I'm going to send him this podcast he won't even know what a podcast is this is one that I think I've put it in before but it's happening

in fucking recent so I've got to throw it back in. Muggles talk during the cinema. Oh, you know what? I don't even know if this mugglery are just downright contrary. And they're the same people

that talk through comedy, and I think they talk about, they feel like they're more exempt from talking through comedy because they've had a drink, there's intervals and all that stuff, right? They're with larger groups.

But in a cinema? But in a cinema, I always feel like the two are hand in hand, they're with larger groups, but in a cinema, but in a cinema, I always feel like the two are hand in hand, like, why would you speak in theatre, why would you speak in anything, while you're watching, it's even like,

watching a performance, because I always, so I went to see Infinity War, right, and I've been waiting for this movie, for 10 fucking years, I was so fucking excited, and I said to Stine,

who's got a place, I was going to see it, if anyone talks during this movie, I'm going to get into a fight like it's just the person behind me they were just whispering I was like shh

I'm whispering there should be nothing just watch the fucking thing if you don't understand something in the movie just assume that they're going to explain it the amount of people that just go who's that guy I'm watching the same fucking movie, cunt. Whispers, I would sometimes argue,

are worse than actual talking because they've always got that fucking hiss to them. And it piques your interest. At least with someone talking, you hear what they say, you process it and you go, it wasn't worth saying. But if someone's whispering

and you don't know what they said, you're intrigued as well I always feel hostile if anyone talks in the cinema I'm like I'm ready to fight

but it always winds us up when it's girls that are talking because there's nothing you can do about it and the only thing is if you do

confront them on it they'll just get louder and go up well there was Ready Player One which I'd been fucking looking for it for like

four years because I read the book before it was even announced that it was going to be a movie and I'm watching

it and these girls are like recording it like I think they were snapchatting it and shit and they're

chatting and I was like of course I wouldn't hit a woman but would it be okay to rob a girl

like if I just fucking robbed her like would that be alright if I just took her phone and went like

and what, like? Just don't rob. Confiscate until the end of the movie. No, no, I'm selling it. Where do you stand on see people weigh food in a cinema? Like, the rattling of the...

The rattling of the fucking necks. Like, if you're rattling a sweetie bag or you're... Oh, I think, like, because I've always found it so confusing. Like, my standard position with cinema is, you turn up for the trailers,

you get food, and you eat the food before the movie starts. I forgive people for talking through the trailers. I don't mind if people are having a little natter before the trailer.

Yeah, I mark them, I'm looking at them going, they better shut up. Yeah, I've put a pin in you, I've put a pin in you. Like,

I, I remember the first time I went to the cinema with someone and I'm just shoving the popcorn down my mouth and like the movie's not started I'm like

that's why I'm eating it you don't eat during the fucking movie no the way the way you should treat food in the cinema is the way you should treat like drugs and alcohol

at a music festival right it's all done on the first day and then you're like ah ah ah we've got

we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got

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we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got

we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got

we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got

we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got

we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got

we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got we've got

we've got we've got we've got you don't see that at all I like the cinema where I'm from it's got the it's them two seaters it's like a double seat double seats they don't do them Eugene's always in one of them on his own oh yeah yeah but like that was

that was my genuine like some of my like proper sexual awakenings were at the cinema like you're fucking like

knuckle deep watching Titanic it's like I don't know if you and a girl have an orgasm watching Mortal Kombat but that's finish knuckle deep watching Titanic I remember hearing a girl have an orgasm watching Mortal Kombat finish finish

I've got no problem with that flawless victory hadouken who's hadouken that's Street Fighter oh sorry but that's the thing with that stuff I don't mind if you're getting your that's Street Fighter oh sorry god but that's the thing with with with

with that stuff I don't mind if you're getting your fucking menjelit or a blizzard or getting fingered because

in that situation you are trying to be as quiet as possible I've got no like in fact I encourage it because that's the last thing you want

is to draw attention to yourself so you're just fingering away you're giving a fucking wristie through the fucking popcorn. You are trying to be as quiet as possible. You keep that up, I enjoy the movie, you enjoy your wristie, you enjoy your little fucking finger joust.

That's grand, I've got no problem. But if you were bragging about how many fingers you've got in, like, verbally... Three! We're on three! I can't even remember the last time I got knuckledeep in the cinema it was Men in Black 2 that wasn't even the film

it's who you were with the only time someone's ever spoken Jamal the only time I've ever enjoyed someone speaking to you in the movie when the Titanic was re-released me and Jane agreed that we'd go see the Titanic but we get shit-faced beforehand

it was out in 3D, we're like fuck it, let's get absolutely cunted and go watch Titanic in 3D Titanic was in 3D no no, they re-released it in 2011 in 2012 in 3D it made you like let's absolutely absolutely get Canon and go see it so we do and there's a large

group of two carers and like six people with special needs watching the movie so they're just down the front and absolutely think nothing of it because they're not talking through the movie except for one point and it killed, because we were so drunk, right, and I've grown because we were so drunk, right,

and I've, I grew up with a fucking disabled sister, I understand those fucking situations, it's like, why should I be robbed of this experience? Grew up with. Kinda grew up with. I,

I, I thought about, yeah, yeah, yeah, she did it alone. Just, like,

one of the saddest points of the movie is that bit where fucking Jack's on the edge of the fucking door, and Kate movie is that bit where fucking Jack's on the edge of the fucking door and Kate's like saying don't let go, don't let go. Just some guy

and like, we can hear people crying and just someone two rows in front of us just yells out, sad! Right? Just verbalised his emotion.

Just verbalised his emotion. There was nothing wrong with it. It's what he was experiencing. Sad and horny. I'll be doing the painting where you're sketching her naked hold on it was the one time but it was just such a deep

everyone was so quiet and it like because they were quiet for the whole movie like you can entirely forget that anyone else in the cinema it fucking decimated me

and Jim for the rest of the movie that we were the ones that were ruining the rest of the movie I don't know do you know when I was just in Portugal the movie I don't know do you know when I was just in Portugal

last week I was on the water you know the lazy river and we had that like Jack it's only called the river when I'm on it shut up

it's so can run and Can was on my hoop Can was just like leaning on my float like that moment in Titanic with Jack on the door and I was like this is just like the on my float like that moment in Titanic with Jack on the door and I was like

this is just like the Titanic you're fucking massive because the big lad in it so I'm assuming we're all agreeing that talking to the civil oh definitely I actually agree it's more like now in the muddle

it's just country I got somebody answered someone in front of me answered their phone and talked during a quiet place Jesus Christ which is a quiet place Jesus Christ which is a quiet place like there's no

fucking sound and the entire place nobody even everyone was so shocked they just stared at the back of his head for about three minutes did he answer it

and talk oh yeah that's a death penalty absolute like the like the brightness beaming off the side of his head too

like the whole time I see the episode of Californication where he just grabs the guy's phone and just fucking huffs it across the cinema exactly what you should do

remember I've not seen A Quiet Place Steve Raskopoulos is his shirt he told me the funniest sentence I've ever heard in my life he went I've seen

The Quiet Place and I was like how was it he was like I didn't enjoy it I was like why he went I went to see it

with Alex Edelman he went to the cinema with Alex Edelman to watch A Quiet Place and apparently at one point Alex Edelman who's been on the cinema with Alex Edelman's Watch A Quiet Place and apparently at one point Alex Edelman, who's been on the podcast,

tried to high five him. June. Oh! Is that Alex? He said his name? Hold on. Just hang it up. Sorry, that was

incredible comic timing. Like, had you started your story 20 seconds later, that would have been phenomenal. So that's going to muggle Conan,

but also with a vibe of like, you're not just a muggle, you would have been phenomenal. So that's going to Muggle Corner, but also with a vibe of like, you're not just a Muggle, you're a bad person. But Mark, let's go on to your Muggle Corner next, because this is something that came up in the conversation, and you went, oh, this is what I'm going to put in. It's cinema related as well. It's people that get annoyed by

spoilers. When it's too far gone. You don't care enough about it. Yeah, so, I reckon now, I give you that it's annoying if you've not seen something and someone spoils it

for you, right? However, if you were that invested in it, you would have fucking seen it by now. Yeah. Like, anyone that's not, like, anyone that can, I can't even remember, I put one up recently, like, just as a wee joke. have fucking seen it by now. Yeah. Like, anyone that's not... Like, anyone that... Anyone that can... I can't even remember. I put one up recently, like, just as a wee joke.

It wasn't even about the film and people were like, spoilers, spoilers. And I was like, that was released 12 years ago, you daft cunt. Like, what the fuck? If you've not seen Game of Thrones now,

right, if you've not seen any of it, then it's not... And also, what... It's your job. If you've not seen Game of Thrones, it's your job to avoid spoilers. Exactly. It's your job, when you bring not seen Game of Thrones, it's your job to avoid spoilers.

Exactly. It's your job, when you bring up Game of Thrones to me, you've got to say, I really like Game of Thrones, I'm only on season four. Exactly. That's your fucking job. And also, with something like Infinity War, right,

which is what came up during the gig, even if you've not seen it now, right, if you're... You obviously know now that there's spoilers out there. You can avoid them. No one is ever pinning you down, screaming the fucking spoiler at them. If you're that concerned about it,

you can easily stay off social media. You can easily avoid this. It's not in the public domain that you're do you know the one time that i had to avoid a spoiler like really avoid it was uh i traveled back through the through the night from um estonia to the uk in the night that conor mcgregor was fighting eddie alvarez for the lightweight title they fucking have two belts right and i had to fucking i landed i think i went via amsterdam and i was like even first of Amsterdam. First of all, first of all, we did. No, no, I went separate.

It was at the end of the tour. It was like, I'd separately went back. You got to stay in fucking Estonia and watch the fight. No, I didn't. I came back. Did you come back? We both, we left each other in Amsterdam. Oh, okay.

So when I'm in Schiphol, I'm fucking eyes down. I feel like even on the tube back from Heathrow, right? I feel like if I look up and see anybody unhappy, I know that Conor's lost because they'd be having a fucking very unhappy commute I just spent the whole time fucking avoiding it right and then I managed to watch it as live and I got enjoyed as if it was live like 12 hours after it happened or something but that's however it's your responsibility if like eight weeks later somebody went oh Conor won in the fucking second round by TKO I wouldn't have fucking

started losing my fucking mind to people I'd be like I clearly don't give that much of a fuck even 2 weeks later like listen

with Infinity War because they did such a good job of being like don't do fucking spoilers I'm like that's fully great after 2 weeks

you're not a fucking real fan like it's just no like I remember when Infinity because I was in Australia so I saw it a day before the British people could see it. I did the

opposite of avoiding spoilers. I was so shook by the movie. I went on Twitter and just searched in Infinity War and just read people's tweets about it. Because I wanted someone else to have fucking seen it, right? If you're that invested in something it's your fucking job.

Do you know I watched it without having watched a lot of it. Speaking of which, before you get to the end of your World War II book, we win. Oh, fuck off. I'm sorry. Fuck off. Mate, it was like 70 years ago.

Aye, I'm catching up. You know I'm catching up. Honestly, I thought we lost. It exactly depends who you mean by we. I wasn't that fucking happy about the end result. I wanted this podcast to be in German. Yeah, so I feel like, I think being, I do think if you, it's the same thing.

If you've seen, if you tell someone, you do get those people, I've had people, you go, I really want to watch this thing. They're like, oh man, here's, and you're like, no, no, I've told you I've not seen it. If you're a spoiler ruiner, you're also a fucking... There's also people, and we know one, that even if you went, what a great film...

Smilers! Smilers! I got really angry about that. Yeah, just describing a film as great, and they're like, no, you've ruined it. It's like, I've just told you it's good. I understand the argument, because it's like I've just told you it's good I understand the argument because it's like I want to go in

without any expectations it's like well why don't you go in without any expectations two fucking days ago and that is by far the worst thing

that person's ever done yes I agree I concur animal that's your muggle corner my muggle corner I don't know how to stick this

to an individual person I don't know who gets to stand in the corner for 30 seconds on this. It may be very niche. But anybody called Ryan Cull? You know, like, hipster cafes that won't give out the Wi-Fi password because they encourage talking to each other. Oh, good one.

Like, fuck off with your little loophole and not giving away your wifi password and not having a decent bandwidth enough for your customers just talk to each other shut the fuck up I'm talking to people

on like I come into a cafe so I can open my fucking laptop have a coffee and fucking write some shit and I want to do some research on a project

that I'm working on like you don't know what everyone we're not all here on a social endeavor on Tuesday afternoon like we might be actually fucking

actually physically not everyone is as lacking of friends as you are right I want to talk to them online I'm a hundred miles

away from them I'm a fucking jobbing comic I've got three WhatsApp groups with several comedians and it's one in the afternoon on a Tuesday

they're all free it's fucking lit right now shut your fucking mouth cafes like that they do they do things as well. Like, you know, they try to be hipster as well when they say things like,

oh, you want soya? Why don't you just put... There's a cafe in Dublin that literally has a thing outside that says, oh, you like soya milk? Why don't you just fucking go somewhere else? Try real milk. No, I'm not into the whole soya,

that kind of shit. But when I read that, I'm just like... You're a cafe. That's a muggle on muggle crime. Yeah, yeah, yeah.'m just like you're a cafe that's a muggle on muggle crime yeah yeah it's like you're trying to think

like this Mike's how it fucks up your job is a fucking restaurant business owner it's like

it's shut the fuck up I've had times I've spoken to this podcast I've gone into a coffee shop I've ordered an

espresso and I've gone where's the sugar and they've gone you should really try the natural sweet I'm like shut up

I'll put a dick in this I can fucking yeah i'll fucking i'll i'll take this rightly i'll eat it with the fucking once i've bought it from you it's not your fucking you don't get to tell me how i enjoy your fucking thing like what about obtuse wi-fi passwords like i don't know it so they go what's the wi-fi password and they're like i don't know it come on what's the wi-fi password i don't know it and then go what's the wifi password and they're like I don't know it come on what's the wifi password I don't know it and then they give the joke away immediately

because they want you to know that's the joke and they want you to have the wifi so you call it the good old you don't really get it anymore but the good old

answering phone message of hello oh serious mugglery and also guilty oh I'm 100% I'm straight in the

fucking corner I remember watching my friend phone me. He didn't know I was behind him and he phoned me. He went, yeah, hey, bud, where are you? Sorry, where are you? And I just watched him go, you fucking cunt. And he turned around and I was there with a big fucking shit-eating grin. I'm like, ah.

I was 14 and I will still stand in the corner for him. But I do, I'll stand by that. It's annoying that he had a phone when he was 14 we used to ring people on the landline no I I will always argue I am in the

transition generation I remember dial up wifi I remember I remember the dial up thing and I remember going from dial up to actual internet and I remember going from

land so you remember Dreamcast's first ever online game, Choo Choo Rocket? Yes, yes, it was the first online game. It was so... So you play this game, Choo Choo Rocket, right? Where basically it's mice running in a straight line

and you put an arrow left, right, up and down and that changes the direction of the mice. Now when you're playing not online, it happens as you do it. Boom, boom, boom. You change the direction of the mice. When you play it online, you press the arrow and the arrow comes up like three seconds later so you have to be properly ahead of the game online gaming at the start was fucking whack it was awful do you

remember free like discs aol discs you get with oh yeah like magazines you'd get like fucking 72 hours free internet with AOL and you had to load this disc and then... I remember getting... The try before you buy shit that won it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember getting demos in game magazines. Oh, the best, man. That was the fucking good...

They were excellent. Those were so good. They were excellent. That was such a good way. You don't want a game magazine to be like, I've never heard this game, I might not play it, but now that I've got a fucking free disc, of course I'm giving it a fucking go. Oh, man this game I might not play it but now that I've got a fucking free date of course I'm

giving it a fucking go man and then you'd play it over and over and over again oh you'd play the same one level that you're allowed

do you know what I've started doing I don't do this a lot but I do Strangle Wings so I was going to buy like you know how there

was like the SNES the mini SNES yeah and it had so I was just I'll google top 100 SNES games and it would come up always this I'll google top 100 SNES games

and it would come up on YouTube and I was going through them and I'm like right I had that and I had that and I was like I was forgetting ones

I'd actually had and I was like so many you missed as well what a fucking game and then I would go on and I'd YouTube them and I'd just watch a cunt playing them

like I'd just watch them playing through the whole thing and the floods the floods of emotions that were coming back I fucking remember I remember where I was doing that

I remember my childhood friends who I've not spoken to since then I remember the posters I had in my fucking

bedroom do you know the other day me and Demus watched the full walkthrough of the Captain Planet game from beginning to

end because what happened with that game is there was no save disc so if you start off with

a fire ring it's a fucking really good game as well by the way like i even think that's probably the best platform game i've ever played even when i was watching it back i was like what a great idea everything was good ideas but if you got through the fire you're then on the ice and then if you get through the ice then you're on the heart and then you forget the heart you're on the whirlwind like the wind and then it's the earth and then it's captain planet now if you lost any lives and died you're dead. You start from the beginning. There's no save

point, so I've never completed this game. That was Super Mario. That's all Super Mario was. Oh, by the way, there's 50 levels that you'll never get to play, and you're like, what? Also, you've all listened to the podcast. This is like for me, mate, under the bus, big time, but

whenever I care about that on this podcast. You've listened to the podcast. This is like for me, mate, under the bus big time, but whenever I care about that on this podcast. You've listened to the podcast about Demas doing the marathon. Do you know the outcome to that? No. So do you know the original story? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So hold on. If anybody's just tuned into this podcast

and hasn't listened to the Marathon Man podcast, which was about four podcasts ago, my mate lost his tag during the marathon at halfway, two and a half hours. There are air quotes in the air for that by the way that was to lost he didn't lose the tag right so uh he got two and a half hours but then he finished it under four hours which meant that he'd done the second half marathon in an hour and a half which like it's not happening right like he wasn't pulling the

wool over my eyes um so everybody was a bit awkward about conversing with him about it he'd done this marathon so he could get the medal for his kid he got he he done a six he's done a six hour marathon for his kid right and he got the medal and this was three year ago four year ago and then he's got another kid now who's old enough to be aware that his older bro has got a marathon medal and he doesn't so he's going back to get the second medal and then all of a sudden this fucking discrepancy happens he loses the tag he doesn't scan through any of the barriers and then he phones us at fucking three hours 56 like i've just knocked three hours off my time nah i wasn't having it right everybody was no let's be fair to be fair uh eugene and his two

mates were in a pub somewhere right and they'd actually just they properly dosed them up so you need to listen to the previous podcast to understand that because that wasn't a call back to this one so fucking Matty listens to the podcast I don't think Demas has listened to the podcast

I don't think he has but Matty listened to it and was in fucking stitches spent time with fucking Demas and Demas is still peddling the story that he finished the marathon but Matty's like I've heard the podcast

I don't think you have and then he left the house and texted him going I didn't want to bring it up because it's a bit awkward but uh Kai's on to you

Kai knows he didn't fucking finish the marathon in that time he knows it's fucking superhuman like just like just shut him up

because he's got to slander you to everyone right so fucking Matty tells us that he's got to slander you to everyone. So fucking, Matty tells us that he's did this and the next thing you know his phone beeps

and it's Demas. It's a fucking really long message of Demas going, look Kai, I know you're not stupid. I didn't finish that time. I was trying to help someone up and I fucking hit my own knee

and it was like at the 13 mile mark and I was fucking gutted and the medic gives a lift back to the finish line and he was like, I rang Rachel and she was like, hey, you finished? And I just fucking, I just tried my luck. I was fucking gutted and the medic gave us a lift back to the finish line and he was like I rang Rachel

and she was like hey you finished and I just fucking I just tried to be local like yeah I did I finished and then before I even got a chance

to see you you joined when Rachel was there I got caught up in the lie so this is a fucking really long message it was an escalating lie he tried to lie he tried to lie

to his wife right so his wife didn't have to lie to the kid so he could give the kid the medal right and I had this

back and forth with Demas and I was just like fucking I was asking questions right I was like fuck how did you

get the medal like if that happened you didn't get the medal he was like well the fucking medic heard my sub story and he wanted me

to have a medal for the kid so I got we had a back and forth for about maybe a dozen messages right started with a big

long one explaining and then a back and forth with him like me apologising mainly like sorry for fucking picking at a hole i should have just realized that you are being the nice guy then fucking next thing i know his wife names flashes up on your phone rachel saws me he was a fucking good friend of ours and uh i'm like i'm like i don't know if i can answer this book i don't know if i can answer it because i'm busy having a fucking conversation with a husband who i know to be at work because of the time

and these office hours and shit, right? And I'm like, he's just, he even signed off the messages saying, don't tell Rachel yet, like if you speak to her, don't tell her. Let me figure out how to explain it to her. Second time she rings, I pick it up, right? I'm like, fuck, I can't just keep ignoring her. And she just went, Kai, I'm sat on the iPad and that conversation's just flashed up in front of me eyes. up right i'm like fuck i can't just keep ignoring her and she just went kai sat on the ipad and

that conversation's just flashed up in front of me eyes the whole conversation i had with demons just come up on our ipad she fucking goggle bought the conversation the conversation and bless that she was really she was really uh it also she guys to me don't tell him i said this so if any of them listen to this podcast, I've betrayed their trust. But hang on, hang on. I can't be fucking kept in this lie, right? There's lies within lies.

It's like fucking Inception. I'm not having it anymore. I'm not being part of it. I'm glad you managed to rid yourself of that guilt that's now going to ruin a child's gift. I mean, I don't think any four-year-olds are going to listen to this and then get past censorship.

Hey, hey, I've got young fans. So, she said to me, don't tell Demas I know. And if he asks you how he's going to explain it to me, just tell him he doesn't have to. Just say, keep me in the dark. It's probably best if you just don't let her know that you lied, so all of a sudden I've got Demis

saying don't tell Rachel that I like floated it and Rachel's going don't tell him that I know and I'm just like caught in between them in this fucking mess can, oh god this is a fucking treat. You're sad they've been like fucking this is a difficult situation, I'm involved in a bunch of lies, tell you what

I'll do, I'll go on'll do I'll go on a podcast I'll go on a podcast and literally nobody instigated this story we were discussing something else entirely and I've just brought

it up of my own free will but it was fucking hilarious to be part of and then I did a road trip with them the other day we went to Sheffield

because they just happened to be going to see a band did he get you there three hours before you thought he would I ended up with two hours off my

personal best at the A1 I just phoned in an ambulance and you were dying to spend you up the fucking road

oh no I'm actually better now you know what she was actually because when she realised that it was a perpetuated

snowballed lie she was really pleased that he got freed of the burden that like he got to talk to me about it and get like a little bit

of relief from it I love his chest I love his belly fucking lazy cunt you've done a marathon mark haven't you

done two fucking liar how much did I put up you've done two you've done two today you've done two

check your belly right hold on we've got to go on to Cullen's mark recording oh fuck alright no we don't you've done two to your belly right we gotta go to Cullen's welcome corner oh fuck alright no we don't this is a bit

of a stab in the dark I hate people that keep talking about how they're addicted to diet coke that's you no it's not do you know this one

no okay it's just me I've spotted a lot of people now who are talking about how diet coke's really addictive well because the artificial sweeteners

no because I can't live today without a Diet Coke and stuff like that this is like you putting energy drinks in we agreed with that and this is kind of

a similar thing isn't it oh yeah yeah yeah it's like you're not going to fucking turn up to some like what do you call

the fucking rehab you're not going to turn up to rehab like everyone's like oh yeah, what do you call the fucking rehab? You're not going to turn up to rehab, like, everyone's like, oh yeah, I'm coming off heroin, like, it's been seven years,

I've been on an alcohol addiction for fucking 30 years, now you're like, oh, diet coke, I can't get enough of it. Turn it up at your mate's kid's birthday and be like,

can I get you a diet coke? Nah, nah, I'm actually clean now. Here's my sobriety chip. Actually, if you put this sobriety coin in the dark coke

it gets really clean coke zero for me there's two two weird probably lame addictions you know the guy from Keen

yeah the band oh Roy big moon faced Robbie Tom Chaplin guy he was addicted to port

they're an Irish band aren't they addicted to port port They're an Irish band, aren't they? Addicted to port? No, they were proper public schoolboy English. The drink or the location? I love the sea. He was addicted to port. It's the most middle class addiction. And even worse, do you remember

Lorenzo Amoruso? In Italian football? He used to play for Rangers. He was addicted to anti-semitism anti-semitism? sectarianism? no no no unrelated to his career he wanted to bring down Hollywood

no he's bigger than that he understands it's a football rivalry he was addicted to Baileys and he was tanning he was addicted to Baileys right and he was he was tanning he was addicted

to Amaretto at one point he was tanning about three bottles of Baileys a day we fucking knew someone

that was addicted to balloons oh yeah I won't mention his name I'm not gonna name them

what the Knox yeah yeah yeah actually Steve-O I read Steve-O's book'm not going to name them what the Knox the Knox yeah yeah yeah actually Steve-O I read Steve-O's book he was addicted to the Knox as well you've got a proper addiction

me and Kai both supported Steve-O like a day after each other me and Dublin and him and wherever read and the difference in the photographs

that we took of each other showed what he thought of both of us oh mate mine's you signed a book for kai no but you see what he's saying on the book you're the best comedian i've seen while i've been over here the day after fucking watching cullen i i was sitting there going like uh we were a little like terribly like just both of us stand beside each other picture right and then i

was like all right grand that was grand next day come in. Guys, Instagram's all like, the best comedian of all time, blah, blah, blah. About five photos, you both like going, you both giving him big licks. I knocked him off the wagon when he got livered and he's been sober for seven years. He just looks so sullen around you. I'm sullen with Colin. Let's quickly plug things before we go

into dad jokes Mark do you have anything coming up I have got a new for anyone that knows News at 3

thing I did with my daughter we're filming a new one 90 million baby 90 million yeah yeah 90 million hits on YouTube

we're gonna so the new one should be on BBC One on Thursday night BBC One BBC One yeah Thursday night. BBC One? BBC One, yeah, and their one show. Fuck aye.

It's about seven o'clock. It's about their royal wedding. Nice. Do you know what blew my mind about the video that he did in East that last year that fucking everyone, fucking Ashton Kutcher and all that shit shared, right? It's on 90 million now, but it was on 70 million

when it kind of hit the peak of its momentum. Alien Covenant was out at the same time and the trailer for Alien Covenant had less than half the views of your video

and this is Alien this is like fucking you know we grew up that was the blockbuster of our childhood

you know like that was up there with fucking Terminator and then I was looking at that guy

and me boy fucking Nelson just doubled the figure to be fair like if the Terminator had been involved,

he would never have got to do News at Three anyway. They would have been a much different clan. What have you got coming up, Kai? We're going to be in Brighton at the same time, so you've got to pick your favourite between Muggins and Cream. Aye. By pick your favourite, you mean realise my show's almost sold out and then go see Kai.

It's absolutely not almost sold out. Mark's on the same bill. Yeah, Mark's on the same bill. Yeah, Mark's on the same bill. All right, pick your favourites. And Colin will be there in the back. Hi, having a laugh, you know. Colin's just coming

for the crack, aren't you? Hi. Jets at that? Just FYI, we don't do crack. I've been a legend. Do you have anything to comment on, Colin?

If you're in fucking Ireland, maybe. Just, aye. Laughter Lounge, I run the comedy cellar so it's on every Tuesday and Wednesday. Laughter Lounge, I run the comedy cellar. They're two different clubs. I'll be on the Laughter Lounge I run the comedy cellar So it's on every Tuesday and Wednesday Laughter Lounge

I run the comedy cellar They're two different clubs I'll be on the Laughter Lounge And I have two Netflix specials Coming out in September Fucking on your birthday I won't steal the fun at my wedding Your Netflix special comes out

We don't have the Release date Confirmed yet But I'm allowed to announce tomorrow Which is Wednesday But this podcast won't come out Until after that So I can finally announce That both Dark and So Which has been renamed Jigsaw

For Netflix Which is the break up show Will be available worldwide On Netflix And And that's why I went to LA Yeah I secretly just skulked off to LA

You came to watch me do my Why was it renamed Jigsaw? So because the way you name the show As we know And that's why I went to LA. I secretly just skulked off to LA. You came to watch me do my... Why was it renamed Jigsaw? So, because the way you name the show is, as we know, you name the show in January and we write it in June, right? So, Dark worked as a title for the show, Dark, because it ended up being Dark. Whereas the other show was just called Soul,

and it was like, so what? Whereas the main bit of it is... You've got to fix the title. It wasn't like you had to rename it. It was like, oh, I've got a second crack at the whip. The title had a problem. The bit that breaks people up in that show is the jigsaw analogy.

So I just figured it would be much better to call it jigsaw. And it's one word and sort of stuff. Hey, do you know this? This is noteworthy. When Danny got the news he was getting the Netflix deal, right? It was a fucking

it was a multiple deal like fucking he'd been holding off right fucking I'd been releasing USBs and selling them at shows and Danny's like I've got no outlet for my fucking shows

every year I don't record them like fucking this isn't happening and he got the news he got the phone call when Sofia in Bulgaria and he got the phone call right

and fucking Danny with the phone rings by the way so I'm backstage Marlena I come off stage of just in two hours I've yelled at her that morning because I've just seen everyone release all this great content and I'm not I've been waiting for Netflix for four years he could have done on his own back for a while right but he took his agent's advice to hold off we're gonna find the fucking platform to release it right and he gets this phone call it was such a release for him to go oh I haven't waited four or five years for fucking nothing no like six years

since the 2012 thing fucking six years since he released any content on that scale and he started crying and I've fucking never seen this dude

cry right like we've been friends since 2009 and I was like I just like like gingerly put my arms around him yeah yeah

gingerly not the way he did it just how he is. And he went, don't tell anybody about this. And I was like, what, the Netflix deal? He was like, no, tell everyone about the Netflix deal. Don't tell anyone about it. I was crying.

Fast forward like fucking two months. I record my fucking special, and I'm going to sell it to the booties. Just to point out, during this time, you were rightfully constantly making fun of me for crying at that moment. I was like, yeah, bring it up. And I did well not to bring it just to point out during this time you were rightfully constantly making fun of me for crying at that moment I was like oh yeah

and I did well not to bring it up on a podcast to keep your contract alive right your contract you couldn't mention it I guess

I guess there's a chain effect that comes from the top so when I recorded my DVD it was about the boxing about like the boxing which you were part of you were there to. You were there.

To save young Cain. To save young Cain. Which, like, even though it happened in 2016, we couldn't talk about the show. Like, I couldn't do a show in 2016 because Cain wasn't out of the woods yet. 2017, he's had the treatment. He's back in school.

I was like, fuck, I'll do the show. And then I'm recording the show. This is, like, a fucking two-year journey I've been on where this kid was, like, fucking on death's door. And then the community in the comedy industry raised enough money to fucking rescue him. I do the show on is like a fucking two year journey I've been on where this kid was like fucking on death's door and then the community in the comedy industry raised enough

money to fucking rescue him I do the show on my doorstep and then fucking as a surprise my brother has got Cain's

family to deliver Cain to me on stage right so fucking this boy that the whole community saved right is in my arms

and I'm lifting him up like fucking Rafiki lifting up Simba like this fucking final moment if you haven't seen the videos online of the reveal I was in the room like fucking Rafiki lifting up Simba like this fucking final moment if you haven't seen the videos online

of the reveal like I was in the room for it it was one of the most like everyone in the room was crying it was one of those moments I've never

the Kai's reaction when the box just slides up people don't know he's got he had neuroblastoma and the only treatment was in America

and it was half a million pounds to raise in the fucking community raise the money like and it's he's got all clear he's fucking back at school.

So there's this beautiful story, Kai does the show, he comes out of the box. If you watch the video, it's the most genuine reaction. Kai's thing of when he sees Kane in the box, he had no idea. It's a really, really fucking beautiful video. And he hit the deck. Yeah, probably. His fucking hands hit the floor and then he fucking collapsed. It was one of those moments where it just like,

and I've never seen Kai cry before. He was crying away, they do the thing. And everyone's congratulating Kai after the show and I'm just like, this like i've never seen kai cry before he was crying away they do the thing and everyone's congratulating kai after the show and i'm just like this is absolutely his moment i'm gonna see him for the rest of night rest of the weekend i'll just let him have this very proud of him want to tell him i'm fucking proud of him but i'll allow him to have his moment and he's sitting there hugging everyone doing all this crying and finally everyone wears away right and we know how our relationship works as you insult each other on anything but in the moment on Netflix

he was really nice to me and sweet he was like really proud of you I know you've watched this really beautiful so I realised that I owed him

the same thing so I just see him I look at him and he's just wiping tears from his eyes I go up and hug him and I just whisper in his ear one all cunt

one all one all mine was about saving a kid this was about getting this was about saving a kid. This was about getting a brook. Yeah, equal. Well, Dax was a reasonable. See, I remember watching that clip

when Cian was brought on stage. And it was amazing to be part of all that kind of thing. But I was just kind of thinking, right, see for a kid who's so close to death, do you think it was a good idea to put him in a fucking box? That was something I nearly said. Because I had to say

something into the mic at some point, and I nearly went I never thought I'd be so happy to see this boy in a box. The best thing about that was when you were talking there i looked at nelson and i seen like this mischievous blimp in his eye and i started giggling i was like oh yeah basically he was touching cloth with that joke it was just picking the wee turtle head out i'm gonna see when you're uh because you know you get recommendations with the algorithms and netflix i'm gonna make him a mission to find the most awkward

shit to link to your special. That's fine. Watch it repeatedly. Works well for the algorithms. Right. Let's move on to your dad jokes very quickly. Mine aren't very good. Yeah, neither am I.

People can just tune out now if they want. We've hit the hour. Nelson, your dad balls his feelings and by that i mean he whispers i love men into a ball and then throws those balls at pifters um your guy your dad filters porn by the release date slosh your dad bought porn by the release date. Sloss, your dad bought a treadmill to walk the dog. Ryan. I like that guy.

Ryan. Your dad still pumps up his Reebok pumps whenever he has to get a porno off the top shelf. Colin, your dad's farts have a lisp. Sloss, your dad identifies as a man, which is weird because he just keeps saying it. Nelson, your dad got a payday loan to play on the 2B machines at the Amusements. Danny, your dad has a tattoo of Dodi Al-Fayed. Colin, your dad lost a children's limbo competition

because of his erection. Nelson, your dad got molested by watching 3D porn. Colin, your dad was one of the prizes on the Generation Game. Kai, your dad tried to join ISIS but then turned back because he'd forgotten his sunscreen. Kai, your dad's got incense in his arse and incest in his heart. Kai, your dad's guardian angel's English, obviously, because he keeps trying to kill himself.

Oh, mate. It doesn't kind of make sense, though. You don't know the game? dad's guardian angel's English, obviously, because he keeps trying to kill himself. Oh, mate. Hi, mate. Doesn't kind of make sense, though. You say that, Cullen, but your dad coughs his lungs out smoking menthols. Danny, your dad thinks Jazzy Jeff is the best hype man of all time. Oh, yeah, Nelson. Wow.

Nelson, your dad started a Glasgow rap group called Wiggers with Gratitude. Daniel, your dad shouts your mom's name during sex with prostitutes. And also, Danny, your dad keeps sandwiches under his hat like Paddington Bess. Ryan, your dad had his stagged out a laser quest. No spoilers for Kai Stagg too, for fuck's sake. Well, Colin's dad's coming. Kai, your dad checks the smell of his pits by dabbing.

You all good, Minchard? I'm done. Well, your dad works the door the 24 egg rigs Danny your dad also masturbates to troops coming home

videos on YouTube Andy chews stripsels Andy's gonna wear a suit watching the Royal Wedding Andy swells his chewing gum with a glass of water are we done? aye we're done

well then boys see you next time