Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.43 THC Calpol

Episode Date: June 14, 2018

After some accidental time off due to sheer neglect Muggins and Cream are back together united by weed extract syrup, it starts of a regular chit chat then the weed kicks in and they start hypothetically domesticating wild animals and nuking the moon. It's good shit. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

That one. And then you do something like I would do anything for muggins but I won't do cream. And that's how we start the podcast. U-G-L-Y-U

ain't got no alibi you muggins. Hey, hey, you muggins. You've got to get cream in there as well. He's not ugly though. They kind of make it factually inaccurate

why have muggins when you've got cream at home such idioms that's what I say to Natalie all the time if there's muggins on the wicker let's play a cream it's been so long

since we've done the podcast if it's old enough to cream it's old enough to muggins I can't so long since we've done the podcast. It's old enough to cream it's old enough to mug it. I can't. It's good to be back anyway. We've been on a three week hiatus for no reason other than every time we've

agreed to do a podcast we've got money. Which is why this time instead of getting money before the podcast what we've actually done is we've I don't know if we've spoken to them about the

liquid stuff. Cannabis oil. So basically I don't know what it's called. It's called Green Drink. It's called the Green Drink. Salamander slime.

And it's basically this guy that I know makes his own marijuana stuff because his dad is ill. And the NHS medicine isn't helping as much as it could because, well, you know, fucking painkillers are very hard to get correct. Didn't like seeing his dad in pain, so I worked out how to make this cannabis oil that you put in. You can put it in ice cream.

You can put it in coffee. You can put it in yogurt. You can take it in ice cream you can put it in coffee you can put it in yoghurt you can take it straight like medicine we just had a spoonful there and it's got like a sweetness to it like carpool it's really lovely

but it does get you fucked so last night we were like fucking super giggly high and then and then you decided to do a second fucking spoonful

what happened was we were about an hour and a half into our first spoonful and we were very very high and you went should we have a joint? And I was like, you don't actually want a joint, you want nicotine. You want nicotine. I haven't had a cigarette since December.

Since your last light about having a cigarette? No, I haven't had a cigarette since December. However, on a technicality, I've had the odd spliff here and there. Yeah. So you were like, you just want a spliff because and there Yeah So you clocked that out You were like You just want a spliff Because you're having an itch for a cigarette

Right And the spliff's your answer of like Having one and not having one At the same time Justifying your thing On a fucking loophole And you're just like So if you want to get high

Just have another spoonful of this I absolutely did not say that No, no, no No No, you called my bluff That I was doing it just Because you were like If you just want

If you want the weed Then you can have some of this But if were like, if you just want, if you want the weed, then you can have some of this. But if you want it for the cigarette, that's why you want the spliff. And I had to just back it down because you'd call us out. And go, sure, I'll have another spoonful of this shit. And like, you should have warned me off that. Oh, I fucking, like. Well, the great thing about marijuana is, as I've said,

is overdosing is called having a nap. Oh, yes. In a nap, but I woke up on the couch and put myself to bed. But I think I was tripping. I think I went psychoactive. Why? I feel like I was tripping balls, but I can't quite explain it because I was in a dream state anyway. Can I explain one thing that's going to, like, I'm going to explain this, but it sounds like it's a bad trip when it's not.

All right. If anything, that's going to, like, I'm going to explain this, but it sounds like it's a bad trip when it's not. All right. If anything, that's fine. If it sounds bad, then at least we cannot be accused of condoning drug use. Because, you know, like, if people are listening to it now going, oh, that sounds awful. That sounds like a terrible thing to happen. All right, more for us. But I just laugh and go, man, that was quite funny. All right.

Oh, he's such a druggie. Is that happening to him? So we'd actually been talking about wet dreams. All right. Well, yes, we can get into this. And I think this is what triggered me to do it. So, we'd actually been talking about wet dreams. Aye. Well, yes. We can get into this. And I think this is what triggered me to do it. Well, hold on.

So, we've discussed this, because I'm working on a new bit now about sex education, and obviously I was growing up with the fear of wet dreams, because as a fucking boy, you're told that you're just going to get wet dreams all the time, and that's going to ruin your day. It's all in American movies and sitcoms. It's always fucking

referenced they'll do those little throwaway gags I remember like scenes of like just on other sketch shows just being like

fucking hell that is wait a minute and then it when it doesn't happen you're like is my dick broken it just seemed like something that was

just there all the time and I've never up until you I don't think I'd ever met a man who'd actually had a wet dream before yeah and I had one I've had more than until you, I don't think I'd ever met a man who'd actually had a wet dream before. Yeah.

And I had one when, like, I've had more than one wet dream in my life. You've had wet wakes? Yeah, yeah. It was really sad when my grandad died. No. I'd cry. I'd cry so I was at a

friend's house once and I stayed on his couch it was at his mother's house oh you didn't spunk on his couch did you

I was on the couch in a sleeping bag and I was in my boxers and I just woke up like I was just having like because what it is is you're dreaming

of something sexual happening and then you'll bust a nut and then you wake wake up, nothing sexual's happening, but you've busted a nut. Aye. Like, simulation. And when you're, like, a fucking hormonal teenager that hasn't... It's like when you're young and you dream about peeing, you wake up and you're peeing. Wake up and you're peeing.

You wake up and you're having a piss, and then you get older, and you'll dream about having a piss, and you'll wake up and you haven't pissed because your body has now made that connection it knows the difference between sleeping and real fucking life yeah and i guess like if you have any like like sexy dreams sexy dreams you don't have an inception like if you die in the dream you die in real life if you pee in the dream do you pee in real life yeah in Inception like cause I mean they're in there they're in the Inception thing

right as they said each layer makes it like fucking seven times longer so they're in those dreams for fucking

at least Leonardo DiCaprio's in that dream for fucking several years like when he wakes up he must be

covered in fucking the fact that nobody woke him up after he's just drowning in piss. He's just sat on the fucking airplane. 30 years worth of piss as he's got old. In his brain. Well, maybe that's when you tell that you're in a dream when you've been alive for seven years and haven't done your ablutions. Done your what?

Ablutions. What's an ablution? Like, you know, toiletries, brush your teeth, have a piss. Is that called an ablution? Like, you know, you're talking about your teeth, your leg, and brush your teeth to have a piss. Is that called an ablution? That's what I call it. That's what I call it. Oh, thank God. I can't fact check you.

You're doing your ablutions. Do you not agree that that's a word? No. Can we just, even if it's not a word, do you want to use it? If it's not,

I'll happily use it. Let it in. I'm just now worried that in the future if I'm like, I've just got to go do my ablutions. Ablutions,

no one else will understand what it means and they have to explain it. I was ablutioning last night What off my tits In your sleep So I had like

So we'd been talking about that That day About like having a piss in your dream When you wake up And you're like Oh thank god I'm not a seven year old boy anymore And I can

Wake up and not have to As if I did the laundry Get over to the laundry Ah man I'm waking up And I'm like Oh god Take it out of the bath Fucking run it into one of those fucking wire drying racks.

Washboard. That's the word. Drying rack. So I... I don't know how they do it. Had a dream that I was having just explosive diarrhea, right? And then I woke up... Yeah, the second Martin Luther King speech.

They're like, you've gone off topic. like then the first one was great that was about hinting racism what's this a metaphor for not just it's about shitting your pants and when you wash them mix the whites with the color and that's what this is i was wearing white underwear and i shat myself and that's the vision i have for the future so I had a dream and I shit myself like explosive diarrhea right but then I woke up

with that like oh no I haven't in real life ever and I just like put my hand down around the back patted it and I was like

patted it like a dog just trying to poke it back in so yeah like if anybody had watched through a crystal ball

as I just woke up and then just instantly patted my own butt, I think that's that price. Just waking up and just congratulating yourself on a good dream. Good boy. That was a good little dream there. You had sex with Scarlett Johansson, didn't you? Yeah, so I hadn't chapped myself in real life.

I was like, ha ha, weed. But then I made my way downstairs myself in real life. I was like, ha-ha, weed. Nearly got me. But then I made my way downstairs, and I just felt like everything was weird and otherworldly. In what sense? It was dark. So the lights weren't on? No, it's because it was dark,

so everything's in the shadows, and everything's like, your eyes can't focus on what it is, but you can make out some shapes and stuff from any light pollution that's coming in from upstairs and then it was just like everything was just

dancing and moving around and it was almost like everything was all alive and flowy but like it wasn't like oh my god stuff's moving

there's ghosts it was like I'm so high this is good that's the thing I've always enjoyed about fucking weed is the amount of times

if you just get high I'll just walk around the house and talk to myself I'm just like I'm just preparing myself for retirement just being like I'll happily be

a crazy old man yeah talking to plants oh I've got no problem with it like if I'm smoking the plants I'm gonna fucking

talk to them first just being like you're gonna be I can try all your new material out on them alright just talk to them

and then they die I'm like oh fuck it that's not good you were plastic remember them sunflowers that you would clap and they would dance

not real sunflowers aye that's what you'd dance what I mean oh my god he's doing it he's doing it

that's why when the audience gives you a round of applause when you walk on stage oh my god he's doing it He's doing it That's why when the audience Give you a round of applause When you walk on stage Oh my god Snake hips Snake hips How do you make

Like a Like a sunflower I'm just I'm just like a 13 year old On Fortnite Just mixing all the dancers Together in the lobby Just being like

Hey he's doing the worm He's doing the worm We've not done a podcast For ages have you been We haven't done it For three weeks Because we keep getting Like getting together

to do it you were in London you were in Brighton but what happens is we get joined by other people and we'll go oh hey you should come on the podcast

to like Elliot and Mark Nelson and Ryan Cullen was about but then you look around and go oh well there's like five of us it's probably not going to work oh aye especially because we've still

only got like two mics and we've done we have done many mass group ones that do not just you know it's not the same fucking atmosphere

so we just ended up bypassing them to live it's a shame and the fact that some of these kinds like because we do get messages occasionally it's very nice to be like

oh people do listen to this and they do you know it's nice to be back in your ears loyal fans thank you for keep listening thank you for pushing us to do it

and here we are now three weeks after the last one so the last one we're doing a work in progress Greg and today we're

doing a work in progress gig we are building fringe shows right now which we always leave so fucking late I feel like this

year isn't the latest we've left it though I think actually we've been maybe a bit better this year yeah we've got some stuff out

last year I was doing like a show with a story so it was narrative driven so like I kind of knew what Actually, we've been maybe a bit better this year. Yeah, we've got some stuff out. Last year, I was doing a show with a story, so it was narrative-driven, so I kind of knew what I was working towards, but now I'm just like, what is funny? I'm just trying to do an hour of the latest funny stuff. That's what I want to do this year, because I've never intentionally themed my shows or anything.

The past three have always just automatically made their way to that there always just has been an automatic narrative in it and this year you know it might get that but I do like the you know I like the fact that a lot of the American

standards watch like fucking you know Bill Barr and you know Pete Holmes there's no through thing

it's just here's just solid fucking stand up even like you know when you look at all like Billy Connolly and Lee Evans DVDs

especially used to watch when you're growing up. So what was the moral? What was the show about? Nothing was as funny for an hour. It was a flavour of that person for an hour. I do feel like I've got a bit of a pressure to it. That's what I'm worried about this year.

If there is no fucking through arc for it, will the fans that have seen the past three come along? What if this year it's funnier in the sense that it's just gag, gag, gag, gag, gag heavy and it's just fucking routines, but there's no through work? Because some people, for some reason, and I'm hugely complimented by it, do come along to hear me make points and do this and that. I always feel like... I don't know what your opinion is on the latest thing.

Yeah, but I'm like I don't have opinions on I don't have any fucking Full on opinions on anything yet And I'm not going to force those on you I'm not going to be like One of those talking heads Where it's just

Oi Can't have an opinion on this It's like I don't have one We'll get one in the next three weeks We'll pay you to have an opinion Alright I'm not going to

Peers Morgan it Just go through the newspaper Every morning And be like Alright what's my opinion On fucking Guinea pigs and cloning So let's test your opinion

On some stuff then Alright go on Bring them up Let's do it aye What is your opinion On Iran In the

They were meant to be Dismantling their Nuclear weapons Aye The western world Are going to lift Embargoes on trade And stuff

Alright But that's been That's fell through Why Is Iran not Denuclearising weapons in the western world are going to lift embargoes on trade and stuff. Oh, aye. But that's been, that's fell through. Why, is Iran not denuclearising? I think it was Trump that pulled the plug on it. Aye, that sounds like him. Well, obviously I do think nuclear disarmament is, you know, important, but it's a touchy thing

because, like, it's like, like, it's a lot of trust yeah you don't you don't want like personally I don't know much about Iran

but I kind of don't want them to be a nuclear power I don't want anyone to be a nuclear power right but if someone else is a nuclear power

I want us to be a nuclear power this is true but they fuck I'm a little bit equipped on this but not enough

and I'm also starting to get high should I try and I go on give us your knowledge so they are wanting to point Fuck, I'm a little bit equipped on this, but not enough. And I'm also starting to get high. Should I try and spit it? Go on. Give us your knowledge. So they are wanting to point the nuclear weapons at Israel. And Israel don't want that.

Which is fair of Israel. If you disagree with them on other things, you can agree with them like, I did it. There are people who are worried, allegedly, that they don't want Iran to have the nuclear weapons because they think that if they bombed Jerusalem or Tel Aviv, right, that they've done enough damage to wreck their civilization, right? Whereas if their capital, which I wish I remembered the name for while I'm trying to sound smart, got bom bombed the Muslim faith would thrive still and it would just be a small thing so they might see that as a worthy trade

so it's not a locked cold war it's like it's hot on one side you can do damage to us but we can wipe

you the fuck out so that's the fucking huge concern from them it's like when your little brother starts on you. And you're like,

if you hit me, potentially... We go punch for punch. My day goes on. Your world is over. And you know what? Maybe it's worth the risk so I never get punched in the thigh again. The worry from people from both sides, I guess, obviously nobody wants to have the nuclear power, the the worry from people from both sides i guess like obviously nobody wants to rant have the nuclear power but the worry about them going okay we're disarming it and you're going to lift

all the embargoes on trade is that you're like how can you prove that they're going to be honest with that how can you prove that they haven't got some fucking secret layer where they're building it and they're now capable of building it because you've lifted the embargoes and they've got fucking money coming in and there's funding coming into the country that was going to build it so they're like okay we'll not build it now give us some relief and some funds and some money and we're not building it with them i don't know where this money's going though do you know i reckon the way to do it is right is it would be very hard to convince everyone you build it look we're all going to get rid of our nuclear weapons right we're all going to get rid of them but deep down right look, we're all going to get rid of our nuclear weapons. We're all going to get rid of them. But deep down,

the reason we don't want to get rid of our nuclear weapons is because we do want to fire them. For the same reason that you'll never just throw out a fire extinguisher. You're like, let's get a fucking seat with wheels on and go in the fucking car park. Have a fucking time. We agree.

We all want to fire our nuclear missiles we all do right and that'll get rid of them so how about on the same fucking time we all aim them at the moon right for a bunch of reasons one whose missile can reach the fucking moon two who's can get there first three fucking let's see what shit we can help like imagine like we're all just going every fucking nation is outside being like this is going to be one hell of a fucking firework show does anyone know what happens if the moon fucks off i'd love to think that that's like everything's a game like life's a game you've got to discover that there's oil in the earth to use

to uh to power motors and stuff that and know, like the ice caps are melting now and it's revealing that there's minerals and oil and gas and everything underneath the Arctic that we can now reach. So it's like

giving a plentiful resource through the ice melt. And like, it's almost as if everything that's in earth has been there to be found and we've discovered it and like unlocked the next level

and then we level up and have electricity then level up and have space travel. It's like we're on our own version of Age of Empires. Yeah, exactly, right? But it's all been programmed and it's like all those people watching were

like, play this game, right? And then we all nuke the moon just like out of boredom on a game where it's just like everybody's just like... You put your Sims in a room, right? You put a barbecue in there, you get rid of all the doors and you're like, ah, fuck it. And see what happens. So we all just nuke the moon, but then it takes the crust off it,

and that's what we're all meant to have done. And that's like a power source that just transmits fucking matter and energy. Or just every missile hits the fucking moon, and then we're all looking up at the moon. A just giant thing comes up with like... Cracks like an egg. No, no, no.

No, cracks like an egg. A dragon flies off. Like, ah ah fuck it there you go but it just turns into fondue Wallace and Gromit were right

it was cheesy just like you all nuke the moon and just it starts raining cookies it just gets dead weird

or just a giant sound that comes up being like press any key press any key to continue nine seconds eight seconds

what what who's got the button press it would you have even pressed all the buttons as we got here in the first place

so yeah this weird's good do you reckon what would happen if you didn't nuke the moon if you nuked the moon aye first of all do you reckon

with the amount of nukes we have right which I reckon on the planet I think there'd be a meteor storm do you reckon you've got With the amount of nukes we have Right Right Which I reckon On the planet Right Do you think there'd be a meteor storm Do you reckon we'd destroy the moon

Do you think there'd be enough I mean we've got loads I can't mind how big the moon is Because it's fucking Two Two hundred and fifty thousand miles away And sometimes it still looks big So it's kind of big like

Oh it's fucking huge Like you wouldn't Would you be able to look If that was like USA Right Or India Or somewhere like a big country, right? And it was just that big of it, that portion of it was up in space with the sun reaching off it. Would we be able to see that? Would we be far enough to see that?

Why? So do you think that? Well, yeah, because if you're on the fucking moon, you can see Russia. I would, because you're looking at it. But it's that size you fucking idiot but can they take part of

the earth from the you can still still see all of earth it's quite big right can you make out like each individual

country or does it just like just become a blue and green if it's a clear day you're not saying that like you've

been I've seen the foes I either zoomed in nah look if I can see the earth is bigger than the fucking moon

if I can see the moon from earth I can see the earth from the fucking moon aye but like how what else do you think it fucking looks like

so what I'm asking is if like if you saw America would it be the size of the moon or would it be way bigger oh America might be a bit smaller but do you think it would be because that's what I'm saying is if like if you the size of the moon or would it be way bigger I think it would be oh America might be a bit smaller

but do you think it would be because that's what I'm saying is if like if you nuked the moon would it destroy it like if you think how big America is

if you just fucking nuked America with like this isn't instructions by the way no if you just nuked America with everybody's nukes it would still

be there it wouldn't destroy it it would be like a few bottles in it yeah so I don't know if the moon maybe that's why it's created us on in the first place from previous civilizations It would still be there. It wouldn't destroy it. It would be like a few particles in it. Yeah, yeah. So I don't know if the moon... Maybe that's why it's created us on in the first place

from previous civilisations. Maybe that's the end of it. They all nuked the moon and just went game over and they're there to restart. When we do nuked the moon, it's got to do it on... It's a full moon.

Otherwise, if I can go straight through it off the inside, I just fucking straight through it, hit fucking Mars. Does the moon... Is it always forward-facing? Is it always hit fucking Mars does the moon is it always forward facing is it always the same face of the moon that you see

and does it pan around and it's always the same face no it must rotate everything fucking spins doesn't it in space I'm not sure does it orbit does it like

orbit it's own axis it must do it must spin because if it's because if it's always facing fucking earth so why surely it must

spin I don't know the answer I don't know the answer It must spin Why would it be the only thing that didn't spin Because like gravity might just keep it

facing where it's going around Aye but by that logic only one side of the Earth would constantly face the sun Because No no

Because that would be the same for us then in that case We would just always face the sun Yeah because our face doesn't always fucking face the sun So no no because that would be the same for us then in that case we would just always face the sun yeah because our face doesn't always fucking face the sun so therefore the moon

must spin listeners are getting furious my dad has killed himself my dad is fucking hanging from a wardrobe with a belt

and for the first time ever no dick in his hand he's just he's so ashamed yeah yeah I reckon yeah it must spin. There you go.

There you go, listeners. Tell us. Does the moon spin? I mean, we could Google it, but what would be the fucking point? You know what we are? We're those fucking Facebook cunts. All right, hive mind.

Just want you to give me the answer to this thing that I can easily fucking Google. Would it have a North Pole and a South Pole? The moon? Yeah. I don't know. Do you think it just spins indiscriminately? Oh, I'm kidding.

It's not fucking mental. It must have an axis. Do you think it spins on an axis? I was just thinking, like... Oh, it must do. What's spinning it? Does the sun spin? I don't know.

I don't think so. Maybe. I just think it's like... Because it's a ball of gas isn't it so I think it's always changing shape in and out

I don't think if it was a solid it would probably be more likely to like stick together and have some kind of structural integrity as it moves

but I think it's just like a big flailing ball of lava lava yeah all that bits and bobs you know like flames

is that the hot stuff we should do a science podcast what do you think this is oh sorry I forgot we're halfway fucking through so this is what happens you've got the sun

which just like it just flops and changes it doesn't rotate oh but the sun's moving like we're all we're all going away from the fucking explosion from the big bang

we're all picking off and then you've got this earth that's like going around the sun and it's also rotating around itself at the same time ion attacks

it's high right so the moon must do that as well and then the moon is also spinning around us but constantly facing us with the same face yeah

there's a big tower on the back of it called the tower of Babel so you reckon there's something on the other side of the moon big tower wait wasn't that the concept of the fucking Transformers movie there was something on the other side of the moon big tower wait wasn't that the concept of

the fucking Transformers movie there was someone on the dark side of the moon maybe the moon doesn't spin is there a tower

of Babel on the back of the moon or is that just something that I what the fuck is a tower of Babel I don't know I've never looked it up

but I just remember reading something one day about the tower of Babel on the back of the moon I've never what's the tower of Babel I might just be making it up

it might have come to me as in a dream where I shot myself I genuinely don't know where I'm gettingel? I might just be making it up. I might have come to this in a dream where I shot myself. I genuinely don't know where I'm getting that from. It might just be a lie that I'm just made up now. I know. I'm actually Googling at this point just so we can, you know, if they're listening to our shit.

The moon orbits the Earth once every 27.3 days. It also takes approximately 27 days for the moon to rotate once on its axis. How many days? 27 days. So they've rotate once on its axis. How many days? 27 days. So they've got a 27-day day. Oh, no, because their day and night would change because we're not lighting it up. It's not the Earth that's lighting it up.

So if it takes 27, if we were the sun, which we're not, spoil alert, but that means its days are going to be so sporadic because it's circling us while circling itself while sometimes being eclipsed by us so if you just go and have a moon day right they're going to be really fucking sporadic there you go here's the term we were looking for right as a result the moon does not seem to be spinning but appears to observers from mars to be keeping almost perfectly still scientists call this synchronous rotation so because it's such a

slow thing but it does rotate because it's such a slow thing always we don't really process it so there you go so because of all these different arcs and rotations if you were living in the first moon base artemis read artemis it's a good book it's about the first moon base but it doesn't really explain like the length of the days and when that's like one day it could be like three hours long and then it gets dark again for like

seven hours and then you've got like 19 hours of being lit and then you've got to do you think

it'll just be fucking like that or do you think it would eventually find a pattern that you could make a chronological watch for

I reckon jet lag's a fucking bitch on the moon like I reckon it's properly properly fucking shite like you're just

sitting there like imagine you're on the moon right it's whatever your fucking birthday is and it's only like three hours long and then someone else

Steve gets a birthday for fucking 27 days and you're like this fucking cunt do you think it'd be cool with the gravity up there do you think right if you could have

less gravity on earth would you take it on aye if someone just went to the airway 25% less gravity tomorrow it's on you

make a vote here's an interesting fact So NASA This is a genuine thing That NASA said the other week Right NASA came out And went

By the way In space Doggy style And reverse cowgirl At the same position Oh yeah Ah And you're sitting there going

NASA That's not why we send you up there Like That's Don't get me wrong that's interesting and I'm glad I know it but could you guys do some fucking science please we've got fucking nuclear missiles firing in every fucking direction

work out how to make it habitable mate I was going to see if we could build a base there right but me and Sue I was banging her dog and she went I base there right but me and Sue right I was banging her dog and she went I think I found this reverse cowgirl

and I went no actually I think I find and she was turning around looking over her shoulder anyway I came

and we're stuck up here into some of the fucking wire facials in space must be mint how does it go again the ballerina

da da da da da da da da da da da da la How does it go again? The Simpsons. The ballerina. Do you reckon if you're pumping a girl in space, right? Let's say it's been a while. You've been in space, right? You've been in space. You've not been fucking jerking it. You've got stuff to do. You've got science to do. You've got to go ping ants and see if they know what direction fucking home is drill your science

stuff dehydrated food dehydrated foods just get up there uh rehydrated doesn't do the fucking same imagine like it's been about two months and he's like right i need to i need to have sex and nasa's prepared for this so like we know you're gonna fucking space because let's be honest the second you're in space you're like I'm going to fucking space zero g titties is exactly what I'm fucking about at this point

you want to say anti-gravity titties anti-gravity titties aye of course I do like underwater but there's no chlorine in my eyes

they might end up pointing in different directions and stuff it'd be like fucking a lava lamp yeah wouldn't it one boob will just take a bit of momentum

and just start carrying up a bit, and the other one's just going off to the side. Anyway, whoa, gravity really took its place. When you're fucking a girl, you either doggy-stalk or reverse-curve-girl-slash-both, imagine one of her titties just floats over her shoulder, and you're like, well, thank you!

You're just doing a whack-a-mole, dropping them back down. You're trying to explain that your anti-gravity soft-on isn't a hard-on. Like, no like no no no it gets bigger than this it's just pointing in that direction

it's just looking up because yeah it's just having a look it's not that's not attention do you reckon right do you reckon

you've not wanked for like fucking three months or whatever and you decide to pump you're like fuck it I'm not having I'm not I'm not wearing a fucking

I'm not wearing a condom in space I'm not wearing a fucking... I'm not wearing a condom in space. I'm not wearing a fucking space suit on my jaw. That's not happening. Do you reckon if you were to come and go, if you managed to do it with such ferocity, that she would take off like a little bottle rocket? Do you reckon? Just from the force of...

Because it's zero Gs. So it's zero Gs. So the theory is, because it's zero Gs so it's zero G's so like the theory is because it's zero G's even the slightest touch can send something in that direction because it's got no resistance so if there's a girl

on top of you and you come I know it's such a small force but is it enough right to just fire her off fire her off

with all like this as if you just put out Mentos in a coke bottle aye just some of the juice coming out like chemtrails

with that logic then with that logic that there's enough force in what you release right imagine you're like jizzed in a feather robe

hit the wall and then pulled you in what like Spider-Man just just be Spider-Man I mean you're definitely I don't think you're

allowed to have unprotected sex in space nah because Cam can like can't anywhere and it'll just get in all the wires you think you're allowed to have unprotected sex in space. Nah. Because cam can, like, can't anywhere. And it'll just get in all the wires and stuff. Do you think you could birth a child in anti-gravity or what?

Well, you'd have to dehydrate the sperm first. And then rehydrate it. You've got to dehydrate it, aye. Get in them little foil, like, NASA packets. And you shove it up there like a fucking dishwasher tub. You let it dissolve up there, and then... Do you think you'll get get out of space in your lifetime nah

pussy like I'd love to but like I don't I don't think it's aye I don't think they're not making space travel for us yet because there's nowhere to go what's built out is that they're sending people to Mars for us yet because there's not there's nowhere to go what's built out

is that they're sending people to Mars you know that that's planned at the minute they're busy sending the materials

and the base that's needed to be set up when the people get there but the next flight is going to be the people

and those cunts aren't coming back are they he's like Elon Musk's cunts I mean there'll be plans of them coming back but you can't just fucking tap root straight away.

You can't be like, not for me. Is it forever? Because I'm pretty sure I read an article which was the amount of people that were just applying to be like, yeah, no, I'll go there and I'll fucking die there. There's a question for you. Would you do it, right?

Well, even Elon Musk says he's not going to go to Mars even though it's his project until he's ready to die. He wants to die on Mars. Does he? that was in his book see I'm a big fan of have you read his book? yeah

have you? is it good? yeah it's really good it's not written by him oh right it's written by a journalist who tapped him up and was like

like can I shadow you chat to a few people around you and write like a biography but like with I think he seems like

a proper fucking decent bloke he said no to her a bunch of times right because loads of people had asked this loads of journalists had asked

to write like write his story and follow him and he said no but like you give her the job because she was persistent and like she was like narrow

minded about it and focused to the point that like he was like well that's how I've gotten the most of the shit that I've needed done done oh so he saw

something of himself in her yeah it's a good it's a really good book. But that Mars project is going to be mint because they're developing the rockets to get you to Mars and they're going to do more moon trips and shit, right? They're like,

that technology can be used to do long-haul flights in like 40 minutes because it gets out the fucking stratosphere. You can use it to land back on earth somewhere else and you can honestly get from like fucking here to Singapore in half an hour

because the second you're out of the fucking yeah the second you're in space you're just going straight round there's no resistance

and then you're down so it's going to be like a fucking it's going to be a billionaire's play toy for a little while but there is going

to be part of our life but that yeah that happened when aeroplanes first started taking off right it would have just been like a fucking

like nobody's going nobody that's walking around the streets just being day to day average guy I think in that sense that yes maybe in that sense

I'll go to GoSpace but then look at us now just getting on flights all the time fucking 40 quid would you and this is genuine like tomorrow

they're like right you can go to Mars but you're like you have to die there if I got asked that now aye nah I think it would suck I wouldn't do it at all

As much as I would love to go to fucking Mars I want to be remembered forever I would trade in all of that To have enjoyment It's not all about legacy And also you're not going to As much as I respect people going to Mars You're not going up there with a bunch of fun people

It's a bunch of fucking nerds. One of them's a botanist. All love plants. Oh, do you, Stephen? Shut the fuck up. Like, nobody... Nobody's going up there and getting laid. How did they find out

about the doggy style? That's what I do when I... It's kind of a good thing. They were nerds or dogs. Aye, but nerds fuck too. Yeah, that's where nerdlets come from. Nerdlets? I love them in nerdlets. Little yeah that's where nerdlets come from nerdlets

nerdlets anti-gravity nerdlets aye you know they lay eggs on nerds aye and what happens it's really

it's really so what happens when two nerds fuck right they normally like they'll be in a library and something and

you put them back to back like them alien toys you had when you were a kid aye just rubbed together people with nerd look up there no actually

this is one of the nerds in the library just being a nerd and like reading and whatever like you know how birds will do a dance or something to attract

it's like what book you're reading and you'll get the the nerdlet to come along sorry the nerdette so she'll come along if she's impressed

by whatever fucking doobie book you're reading and then they then the mate and the the mother nerd the nerdette, will lay the eggs. The lesser spotted nerd. The lesser spotted nerd. They're rarely spotted outside the fucking library. Fucking dweebs.

She lays her eggs. She lays her eggs. And the male has to go out and sort of, you know, hunt and bring back sweets and stuff. Bring back sweets for the eggs? For her. To keep her up. Because she's angry. She's angry from the bird. sort of you know hunting bring back sweets and stuff bring back sweets for the eggs for her to keep up because she's angry she's angry from the

but she's got to protect them from all the bullies that just come in and eat the baby nerd eggs oh it's real

they dislocate their jaws not the bullies the bullies dislocate the nerds jaws and they eat the nerd eggs anyway I was interested

because I didn't know that no it's a little bit knowledge is power here's another question for you right if you could domesticate any animal

right and I mean like you know what we've done with dogs now right you could skip those 4000 years and domesticate any animal. What is it?

Women, am I right? No, Kai, you're not right. Because they're already domestic. No, women, please still listen. So what perks am I getting from this animal being domestic? Am I like, give it to Paul. It's up to you. Give it to Paul.

Paul, that's a good boy. Give it a biscuit. Right, I can't do stuff, right? Roll over. As much as you can train a dog paw that's a good boy give it a biscuit that kind of stuff roll over as much as you can train a dog is as much as you can train this animal it licks my face and that like I'm coming in I'm getting licked

what do I want to be licked by when I come in no no I think that's what you're asking because domesticated animals lick you when you come in oh fine fine aardvark

just putting peanut butter on my aard putting peanut butter on my arsehole just being like get well up there I come in from work backwards

backwards and bent at the hips and I just back into my house in my aardvark just who's your boy go on

get the ants in my pants I was in critical care I've had to try and like reject the first animals that come into my head what was the first one the first one that come into my head what was the first one the first one that

came into my head was like a giraffe I wanted to domesticate a giraffe but like imagine that clumsy little thing running down the stairs

just fucking tumbles I'm just fucking plastered that wall with a stupid fucking cunt put the giraffe in the garden man it's dragging

it's dragging it's arse across the fucking lawn The thing about giraffes Is you can never pat them On the head But you're always Scratching their bellies

I'm climbing up trees Trying to fucking Mash worm and tablets Into the leaves So now You can always rub that How did you get the lead on

you can't take the giraffe for a walk fucking like a cowboy with all that soup you're like fucking Steve you know if you've got

a little dog like my grandad he didn't want to lean over every day he's like in his 80s he didn't want to lean over to fucking put the lead on the dog

and the collar on so the dog would go on up a couple of steps so it was on like a level like chest height and your grandad could just lean in put the thing on the dog and the collar on so the dog would go on up a couple of steps so it was on like a level like chest height and you're going to just lean in put the thing on

but like if you did that with a giraffe you'd actually need to like walk backwards into the basement just like halfway down into the wine cellar and you'd put his collar on

and he'd be very scared Giraffe would be a man you'd have to have a big guard it couldn't be in the house though could it? No right if I had a giraffe

this isn't my choice it domesticated animal, right? I would only want a giraffe as a plain giraffe, like a guide giraffe. Just also, not only is it a guide giraffe, it's also a periscope. Well, it's really that. Because it's not only going to be like, right, I'm going to cross the road now,

take it in the right direction. Also, there are three fat bitches two blocks away. Yeah, two blocks, two blocks down. Here's another thing about why it would be good, a perk of having a guide giraffe would be,

you know when you're walking with a dog, right? Say if you're walking with a dog and then there's like a bit of scaffolding, head height,

that dog doesn't know that scaffolding's head height, right? So it's just going to walk through and you're walking along with a dog like, oh,

there's nothing in front of me, there goes my head. Oh, my eyesight's back. Max won't get rid of the dog. You're free now. Don't clip it. Go run wild. Straight into traffic.

Fucking hell, glad I got rid of him. Fucking shit. I was going next I get what you're saying like obviously a giraffe's going to be there it's not going to

bang your head is it it's never going to bang your head unless there's a contigous duck right on that doesn't tell you but there's also

going to be places you can't go because the giraffe's going to be like mate I don't know how to say this but there's a bridge over there

that's 30 foot high and we're stuck and you're like nah I can go yeah you're stuck by the sound of it now give me exact directions

but I can't talk yet we'll just bark they don't bark they make weird noises no giraffes would bark if if they're domesticated if they're domesticated

why wouldn't they you said what did you say skip 4,000 years of evolution what do you reckon who you say skip 4,000 years of evolution what do you reckon who changed their noise 4,000 years of evolution

that's a fucking long old time dogs started barking to get our attention it wasn't to talk to each other they bark in a certain way there's an

that means cat in the garden and I miss you a little bit of that pie you know the different noises a dog makes

they're like where it like scares itself with a fart you know the different noises a dog makes alright they're like oh where it like scares itself with a fart that's what you did last time when you were high scared yourself

with a fart so much you fucking woke up now you're mucking off dogs yeah it's good now that if I did shit myself the first thing to do would be touch it

just be like I'm gonna shit myself I don't want to put my hand down there right now. No. Then you get to the bathroom and the door's shut and you're like, well,

that's the only way I can wash my hands by getting shit on the door handle. Right, so anyway, giraffes would bark. Four foos in the air. Did I not bark? It wouldn't be long before they were there going, oh man,

is he going to let me out for a piss? And you didn't know any better idea what do giraffes do like lick their face why they don't make any noise do they yeah they do they make weird noises

they scream not a pterodactyl but they do they do they go so what's the bark of it like what

they're going to sound like ducks if your giraffe's in the kitchen it needs a piss right mate it's not's in the kitchen it needs a piss right mate it's not getting it's a giraffe it's not getting in the fucking kitchen

4,000 years my houses have evolved too they're all unnecessarily big because the one animal we decided to domesticate was a fucking giraffe that's the only reason the houses are bigger

in case we get blamed right but because I'm not blamed the animal that I would most like to domesticate The only reason the houses are bigger. In case we get blamed. Right, but because I'm not blamed, the animal that I would most like to domesticate would be... another dog. I just properly wished you were. I mean, like, the first dogs were good. Let's get some more dogs. No, right.

Let's get this straight. Domesticated dog. No. No. Right. Let's get this straight. Domesticated dog. No. Domesticated. So, not getting this straight. Don't say bear. Ah, I see. I reckon a bear would be mint.

Especially if you domesticate them to the point where we got wolves to dogs. You're getting a smaller fucking bear. We're talking Winnie the Pooh size. And that's another thing people don't talk about. If you domesticate a bear, people dress up dogs. You can dress up your fucking bear. We're talking Winnie the Pooh size. And that's another thing people don't talk about. If you domesticate a bear, people dress up dogs. You can dress up your fucking bear. You put a t-shirt on him, no pants. He looks like fucking Winnie the Pooh.

I think you're looking at the wrong way to domesticate them. I don't think we should domesticate them like dogs. I think we should domesticate them like horses. And get from you to be with them. They can run fucking fast. I know but imagine saddling one of them bad boys and just riding through the west on it just fucking bear traffic jams

imagine fucking westerns of the domesticated bears instead of horses how much fucking bear that would be why did we waste our time I guess because horses were placid

or one of the most placid ones because if you try and break a horse right you might come off and hurt yourself but if you try and break a bear you're not going to break a bear's will

by jumping on its back and trying to hang on. I reckon a bear would be good. So you're not saying get him smaller. I would... I'd have a little fucking bear. I don't want a big beast one that I could just ride everywhere. How's that better than a car?

Are you going to leave it upside down inside your work? How's it better than a car? How are you going to leave it tied up? Road rage, for one. What fucking... Nobody's going to have it upside down inside your work how's it better than a car how are you going to leave it where are you going to leave it tied up because of road rage for one oh fucking oh yeah

nobody's going to have it anywhere you can't risk it you just end up where are you going to take your fucking bear to work where are you going to leave it while you're working

during the night of five what's happening where's the bear oh I just probably bring it in up a tree instead of car parks

just fucking alright car parks car parks just fucking alright car parks car parks where basically it's giant fucking trees that the bears can climb but also your guide giraffe you can leave out there

just while it fucking eats while you type on the computer I don't know why you type on the computer you're blind did I make up this YouTube video this is a shit game show the bear that was up a tree and it falls onto the trampoline

yeah but the trampoline just brings it up really high and then it like thuds and hits the deck I know I think it does exist aye because it's like they onto the trampoline yeah but the trampoline just brings it up real high and then it like thuds and hits the deck no I think it does exist because it's like they put a trampoline under where it was

and then about to tranquilise that dart out of there probably fire it probably put it on the floor he's just setting it with a straw call the fire brigade

so it turns up with a fucking bay road empties that bay road so they tranquilised the bear the bear fell hit the trampoline

fucking got some mad height and then hit the deck I don't know what happened next I don't know if I'd go bear I reckon

em goat just really silly fucking hippos man you domesticate the hippo aye hippopotamus

they kill fucking more people than anything aye and they're fucking speedy as shit

but again so did wolves so many years ago we're domesticating them right and breeding

that out of them honestly like I just like the one disadvantage

right let's say you're out walking your hippo right you can have a

pocket full of fucking dog treats right fucking I'm not carrying around seven watermelons

I fucking love them oh Jesus fuck just walking with a giant fucking rucksack who's got the routine about hippopotamuses killing more people than any other animal

vegetarian Mike Malloy is it Mike Mall animal vegetarian Mike Malloy is it Mike Malloy yeah Mike Malloy one of my mates in America who supports me over there so I haven't seen him live so you must have told me about him

yeah I told you he's great follow Mike Malloy on Twitter he's great he supports me when I'm in the States his one is hippos kill more people a year than any other animal and they're vegetarian

like they're meant for fucking spite have you ever met a vegan that just has broken a horse's neck for no reason

no reason they're doing it for the sport just for the fucking fun of it they really are again a hippo going to work

also if you're going to bear Also Also If you're domesticating A bear for transport Fuck you I can go through I can go in the sea That's two forms of transport Yours is an amphibious

Beast isn't it Both fucking things Yeah you totally Domesticate an amphibious beast I can fucking be like You can go where I stand on its back Surf it

Aye but yours has got Like slimy skin Mine's got like soft fur No mine's got You can't like Just chill It's not slimy skin It has got slimy little No it's slimy Because it's fucking wet You fur. No, mine's got... It's not slimy skin. It has got slimy little...

No, it's slimy because it's fucking wet, you daft cunt. It's dry when it's not in the water. No, it's greasy, oily. It's got oily skin. I've never seen oily. You wouldn't run on one. You'd flip. No, I would run on one because it'd make a perfect treadmill.

Just like a cartoon, just running on the spot. On the spot at the back. Zoinks. So, yeah, I just don't think they could cuddle up that well with a hippo. I'm going to cuddle up with a bear. The summer months are going to be a bit hot. You'll be sleeping on the opposite end of the bed.

I'm sorry, why are you in a relationship with a bear? Nah, it's just borrowing my bed. Borrowing it? I had a Goldilocks. Eats me porridge, sleeps in me bed. No, that's just borrowing my bed. Borrowing it? I had a Goldilocks. Eats me porridge, sleeps in my bed. No, that's not Goldilocks. Goldilocks does that to the bears. Oh.

This makes so much more sense. Honestly, I thought she was being dead casual. She's like Oh Honestly This bear Right Ate my fucking porridge Right And I'm Ate my porridge

Slept in my bed Bitch There's a bear in your house That is the least Of your fucking concerns Why are you still in there? You're going to get a blow dot So sorry yeah

I've let the fucking bear in my bed Hi but A hippo can sleep At just the bottom of the bed Well kill them at the bottom No kill them at the bottom Like It's not

I'm not letting in the I'm not letting a fucking dog In my bedroom Right It's my hippo I choose her to raise I'm going to have her outside Get a big old pawn belt Go out It'll be funny every morning I'll go for a swim with my hippo I choose her to raise I'm going to have her outside get a big old pond belt

go out it'll be funny every morning I'll go for a swim with my hippo I'll just get in the fucking lake I'm going to be I'm going to be I'm going to be

I'm going to be I'm going to be I'm going to be I'm going to be I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little

I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little

I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little

I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little

I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to get a little I'm going to be me and my bear, and I'm going to have like, little porcelain bears, little porcelain bear ornaments, I'll have one, no, no, I'll be sitting there,

I'll be like, beware, put bear on board, I'll be talking, I'll be gone, beware of bear on my porch, no, because it'd be great with me and my hippo,

because me and my hippo, I'll be, I've done my writing for the day, my wife's out fucking working away, every writing, we hear our foot coming down the driveway, and the hippo gets proper excited, starts fucking shaking its ass,

and I'm like, obviously like, I'm like, where's mummy, because obviously, where's mum and dad, mummy, stop mummy, and the hippo gets proper excited, starts fucking shaking its ass. And I'm like, where's mummy? Because obviously we're, where's mum and dad? Mummy, is that mummy? And the hippo starts barking, apparently. According to your fucking side.

4,000 years ago, guys. He's fucking, mum comes home. She's like, I've got a big, I've got a surprise for you. We're like, what is it? I know what it is. I can see the seven watermelons on her back. Yeah, but like, when I'm like ruffling the fur on my bear, what are you going to do with your hip?

What, like blow raspberries on it? Aye! Aye! Aye! We should not have loved to do that. Well, when you're fucking there, fucking blowing raspberries on your hip, I'm going to be stroking my bear.

So who's got the best life for me? Are you? My interest is the ice cream man up the street ice cream driver pedal to the metal shit in his head no wait

I don't why no that's for like the fact that the ice cream driver is the only person that's not heard of domesticating bears

like he's been living under a rock for the past four thousand fucking years he's just scared of one he's scared of them a rock for the past 4000 fucking years he's just scared of them like some people are just scared oh but that's the thing

do you reckon if you domesticate bears that much right 4000 years of it right there'll be a point in that future

where you've got a friend come round and he's like oh you don't have any bears do you I'm scared of bears so you're like you're scared of bears you fucking weirdo

this big soft cock you're scared of a bear I'll put a muzzle on him The bear comes through The other room With one of them Fucking lampshade things On it

It's got stitches Look you think There's a dollop of You're scared of this monster They're seven foot tall Absolutely Oh look he's brought you A present

It's an antelope I can't use to bring you To bed I before my bear Oh, look, he's brought you a present. It's an antelope. My cat used to bring you to bed. Before my bear brought us the cat. I'll tell you before I didn't know about me, Grand Harry with his Westies. Oh, why? His pet dogs, his little yellow Westies that he had.

He got a hip operation, yeah, his back. He said before he passed away, he's not going to get a hip operation he has back before he passed away he's like hip operation after one but he always went to what he would have wanted I would have wanted

it he should have did it maybe he would have fell down the stairs the clumsy bastard when he got his hip done he asked the fucking

surgeon that the doctor asked if he could keep the hip for he asked the fucking surgeon that the doctor asked if he could keep the hip for his Westies we both had the exact same thought didn't we when I told you you said exactly

what I was going to say which was fucking what have I got a taste for I just said to him I don't know where he fucking got that but that is good shit it is a good point though

you should never bite the hand that feeds you you should if it's delicious honestly especially the fingers just little bite size You should never Bite the hand that feeds you You should if it's delicious Honestly Especially the fingers Just little bite sized Little bite sized treats I swear to god

I think I'll grow back Save it for next week Just for anyone that's Shut up to the podcast I am aware Their fingers don't grow back I could also domesticate an eagle domesticate an eagle?

like properly like just be out because that'd be meant you just fuck right because that like an eagle that's so big and strong right

it can nearly carry you but not quite so you get into a fight and you're just like blow your whistle and the eagle comes to carry you off but it like just awkwardly

bashes you off the floor and drags your legs and it's like saw saw my back and then the mug has just stood there

like with his knife out still just watching you go go well he got out of that fucking speeding on to Alice over there just holding on to his legs like it's a fucking

hang glider from the start of Fortnite. Well, that's a thing. In the 1930s, the Spanish Civil War, when they'd done airdrops, I thought, you know, I've always come with a nugget from wartimes.

They didn't want to waste canvas and use all the parachutes to drop the supply drops, so they dropped them out of the aeroplanes with turkeys attached to ropes to take the weight off it. So the turkey would start flapping for its life. And they don't do enough to fly off. But they stay in the fall.

But they do enough just to slow the fall so it doesn't get damaged. That can't be true. So the opposite of a bungee jump. They're like, gobble, gobble. How do you gobble in Spanish? Chuparuch, chuparuch. That's why they say chuparuch.

The thing falls, hits the deck. The turkeys get dragged down by it. They're fucking injured or near enough dead, right, when they hit the deck. And then the people that get the supply truck have also got turkey. Thanksgiving dinner. They've got Thanksgiving dinner.

Is that true? I mean, I'm pretty high. I believe it to be true. Fucking hell, that's great. I believe it to be true. I just love the idea that the fucking turkeys, before they go out to get kicked out, because turkeys can fly to an extent, like they'll fly

like a few metres or whatever, but they can like perch up and like get in a tree. It's extent like they'll fly like a few metres or whatever but they can like perch up and like get in a tree it's almost like they use themselves as a little jetpack give like a little burst I don't think you'll see

like a flock of turkeys will you just going back in a V formation I don't think that counts down so they're like compared to other birds

they're disabled they've got their own parking space they do everyone's like looking someone pulled one of our birds pulled up the other shop right

they look over and they're like oh it's a penguin you're like I fine he can't pull that's what I said and to be fair it did say pee

right it says space but like they're not totally like they don't like need assistance to get everywhere as far as

aviation's concerned they can get on a boat a little bit they've still got like some quality of life going on aye they're walking around

they just can't do the flying part so my thing is like when they get took on aeroplanes it's almost like a bit of a make a wish isn't it

then the aeroplane man do you think make a wish kills the kids no because they don't know they're going to get thrown

out with the baggage they just think they're getting a nice flight they're like oh finally I've been trying to fly what you're saying

is the turkeys think it's make a wish yeah because the turkeys are just up there in the airplane because I thought

in your head what you thought make a wish foundation was like the kid being like I want to be batman and they're like great and batman comes along and kills The techies are just up there in the aeroplane. Because I thought in your head, what you thought Make-A-Wish Foundation was like, the kid being like, I want to be Batman. And they're like, great. And Batman comes along and kills the kid.

I thought that you were like, it's their final wish. Like they choose their own. I've always wanted to swim with dolphins. All right, cunt. Prepare to die. I just rolled his head under the water. What would your Make-A-Wish be? What would my Make-A- a wish be? What would my make a wish be?

Be that you would fuck off. We'd just fuck off. And then I leave and suddenly your disease goes away. You're like, oh, it's him. And now I'm unemployed what would my make-up wish be what have I always fancied doing

I think probably just go out to Mars change my mind that's when you'd go are you gonna die just fucking send me tomorrow just send us to the moon

you've definitely got a nuked eye class be a fucking it was either that or Switzerland it was either look it was either

I could die peacefully and surround by my family and go under and I wouldn't feel anything or I'd have a fucking cigar in my mouth on the fucking moon

watching every missile made in the past 50 years being like fucking hell time for a selfie. What would your make-a-wish be? For you to die on the moon. My make-a-wish would be for more

make-a-wishes. No, no, you can't do that you can never my make a wish would be I just what can I get them to get a celebrity to do

like if I could get if I can get a wristie someone else today a bush took a trialie you just want a bush took a trial someone else today a bush took a trial what's your make a wish I just I don't know

I just want want someone from five to I'd like to my make a wish would be something like driving a tank over a bunch of shit

killing a man you want to be in the army no no no you can do that no no not be in the army no no no you can do that no no not killing in the army like an unarmed man like I'm going to die one

that's not fair so someone else has to die too right you just made me realise that army must mean armed armed forces armed forces army

put two and two together and maybe short for nae vagina infantry Armed forces. Armed forces. Army. Put two and two together. And Navy shirt for Navy vagina. Infantry is the word used because it's infants. It's the kids. Is it? It's the people that are too young to use cavalry. What's cavalry? Use horses.

Cavalry is the horseback. It was used infantry as the first line of defence for the fucking kids at them. Fucking hell. And then that name stayed. And so like when we're sending like in the early 1900s

when we're sending fucking the kids to war, which they were like 16, 17 year olds and we're like unashamedly calling them infantry.

I just chuck all my youngins at them. I don't know, the Germans are coming it's then in the play school. Oi, oi, where's the nursery?

Give me the cubs Give me the scouts You know what Fuck it Bring the beavers I want the girl scouts Where's the rainbows Send in the rainbows We're killing all of the kids

Right the cubs Get the cubs Little boy's teeth out That's infantry Alright Why don't we go I think We've done 56 minutes

oh shit right so we should just go into the dad show we're not doing any muggle corners no because we can do that tomorrow when we got less to talk about

because we'll be less high but before we do sorry for the delay in the podcast as always also sorry for the I thought the start

of that podcast wasn't that fucking great and then we really brought it back with the rest of the stuff yeah that weird kick name is what happened I hope everyone else found that as interesting't that fucking great and then we really brought it back with the rest of the stuff yeah that weed kickdown

is what happened I hope everyone else found that as interesting as we did yeah it was really cool which should be the which is it should be the tagline

for this podcast is I hope you enjoyed that as much as we did what did I want to I wanted to put a little apology from a previous podcast not an apology but just a lot of people

got in touch about looking the gift horse in the mouth don't look the gift horse in the mouth and we were hooked the gift horse in the mouth. And we were hooked on the idea that it was to do with the Trojan horse. No, you were hooked on my idea.

I was the one that showed scepticism and I didn't have enough facts to back it up. So thank you everyone for backing me up and correcting Kai. Well, we didn't come to a conclusion. So a lot of people told us that if you look at a horse's mouth, it's got like fucked up teeth.

It's probably old and shit, but it's got like pure bling and grills. It's got like diamond grills. You're like, oh, this is like young. So don't look in the mouth because it's probably shit. Just accept the gift. Okay. Nah, just don't look because you'll go, oh, thanks. Oh, thanks.

Now I've got to find a vet that'll put this to use. He'll just give us chores he'll give us a to do list thank god Steve gave me a shotgun I just want to correct you

actually like next month's podcast next month's probably the next podcast is probably just going to be doing

a load of corrections about all of the mistakes we've just made in there no I was right about the moon I was right about the ram

so Thursday Friday Saturday we are in Livingston doing previews Gareth Moore, Mickey Bartlett, Craig Hill

and us two on Sunday I'll just plug this just because if you're in Edinburgh me and Gareth are on at the stand just doing

the material there and then in a couple of weeks we're also in Paisley and Creef doing all our previews so if there's

anyone in those areas and you want to come see us do our news shows we do always appreciate it I know we've got a couple of weeks, we're also in Paisley and Creef doing all our previews. So if there's anyone in those areas and you want to come see us do our new shows, we do always appreciate it. I know we've got a lot of people that are listening in Livingston, so looking forward to seeing you. And also, if you've not bought tickets to the Livingston one, do try and spread yourselves out because the Thursday is normally quite decent, but the Friday is normally filled with people who are getting absolutely steaming and don't realise what the show is.

Right. You got your dad jokesaming and don't realise what the show is. Right. You got your dad jokes? I don't think I do. What do you mean no? Because we did dad jokes at the Work in Progress. Aye. And I've just done some old ones

that have been on the podcast. I thought you said you'd written some. No, I have, but I'm just looking for the... Anyway, I found them. Okay. Your dad can burp with the number pi your dad cries

when he's cutting leeks your dad cries when he's cutting shapes everyone's laughing at me your dad's arsehole has a rat's tail And not the hairstyle Soaks it back up like spaghetti Your dad says keep the change to Uber drivers

Your dad does the backstroke In the pool with an erection And pretends to be a shark. Just swims towards the shallow end going... You did a joke that I did on the podcast with Longley. With the... With the gay shark. No, but like swimming backstroke with a hard-on,

pretend to be a shark. Oh, did you? Yeah, exact joke. Oh, sorry. Sorry, exact joke. Oh sorry. Sorry mate, your dad has a wet nurse. Your dad unpeels

bananas with his eyes. Your dad pouts for photos. Your dad makes your mum wear bunting down her back,

a strap on and calls her peg my sore arse. Your dad always keeps mopping himself back into a corner and has to wait there until the floor dries. Your dad

gives the dog love bites. Your dad calls women sir in the name of equality. Your dad freshens his in the name of equality. Your dad freshens his breath with silly string. He'd just be in the car on his little hockey. He'd just be in the car

Your dad got himself pet insurance and goes to the vets instead of the doctors because he doesn't want to be a strain on the NHS. Your dad dials on those old rotary phones. Your dad trailed biscuit crumbs from an anthill to his bed because he gets lonely at night. Wakes up with his bed.

Hard work. Your dad's phone doesn't recognise his face unless he's crying. Your dad always keeps a pencil behind his left ear and a bottle of water

behind the other one. His other left ear. Your dad knows all the dance moves to the YMCA, but not the words. When your dad found out you can get white ink for tattoos, he went straight to the tattoo parlor and got a permanent milk dash. He cancelled his milk delivery. I was only drinking it for the look.

But in parts to know I was was strong He's got strong bones Fun with friends I would have had that conversation with you Even if this wasn't wrong Right well let's do it I forgot it Let's do it again Right from the top

This time with feeling Bye guys