Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.44 Deckchair

Episode Date: June 16, 2018

Muggins and Cream joined by regular guest "G-Tip" Gareth Waugh and first time guest Micky "Deckchair" Bartlett in the midst of a World Cup and fun-times weekend in Edinburgh. Sticking it to those muggles. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or a magic bean cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Shock to the heart in your two cream nana

You give muggins a bad name What are you looking at yourself for? It's the worst one you've done. We'll do this really rad intro. Nope. I'll just do some kind of song or idiom or something and then change it to Muggins and Cream because that's my name

Mickey, don't it's your first time on the podcast, don't take it side immediately thank you come on, don't be so manipulative typical deck chair for those that don't know we have Mickey Barlow on the podcast his nickname is deck chair because he folds

every available offer fucking Trinity. Do you want a shot, Mickey? You know it's nine o'clock on a Tuesday. Go on, have a shot. All right, I'll have three. Are you having one? How are you, Mickey? Nicholas?

I'm fucking exhausted. Yeah? Why are you exhausted? Because we went on a Bouncy Castle obstacle course and I'm 15 and a half stone in the snow. We also have Gareth White here hey G-Tip hello

yeah that's enough from you thanks someone requested we have you on the podcast but they didn't specify how long for so thanks for

that's me done see you later I did see that tweet thank you for that no more importantly so today we did I mean we've had

a problem hold on in that tweet they also asked for Elliot Steele and Elliot Steele is actually in Edinburgh Thank you for that. More importantly, so today we did, I mean, we've had a proper little adventure as four boys. Hold on, in that tweet they also asked for Elliot Steele and Elliot Steele

is actually in Edinburgh and we just went, nah, we'll get Garth. Can't be arsed with that cunt. Mickey's here. So we've had

a proper little fun week as four. We went to a Harry Potter escape the room. Yes, which is, we're very lucky to have done it

because they're currently being sued. Yeah, it's not going to be around for much longer. Yeah, I think they've received a dissent

from Warner Brothers being like, oh wait, fucking stop that right now. And they're like, ah, two more weeks though.

And as well, I noticed they changed the house. Which house do you want to be in? And it wasn't like Slytherin and Hufflepuff and all that.

They still had the same banners, but they changed the names ever so slightly, so it was like pro-Etherin and Hufflepuff and all that they still had the same banners but they changed the names ever so slightly so it was like pro-evo version Pufflehoff Spliffendoe

and then the other ones yeah aye Ravenclaw I mean we could do it but it's Cravenlaw Cravenlaw

Ravenclaw he's a guy he's a guy running so yeah we've done that that was fucking it was really difficult for a bit

like we had like a million different things to look at and deal with and then we've done like a little bit of each one

and then when we figured one out it was like a domino of everything just getting completed yeah it's worth doing if you're in Edinburgh

I'd do it quickly because it's and yeah it's not going to be a round one they're going to get sued into the fucking grunt yeah did I would this be revealing a round one they're going to get sued into the fucking grudge would this be revealing

too much that they're going to be opening one in another town with a different theme would I be screwing them over by saying that they'd be going to Shmivapool

and doing a Spietles one and quickly getting that before they get sued I think they're going to give a fuck about me revealing shit if they just don't care for the law

and you're also you're also plugging it you're being like it's a great escape we've done loads and that was a really fucking enjoyable one I didn't realise just how much of a buzzer we get from doing it it was your first one wasn't it yeah it was the first time doing it

because you solved a really difficult puzzle which because some people listening are going to go, and it would suck. It would be like giving a spoiler to a movie or a series if we told them what the thing was. But there was one where, when you got it, I was like, oh, if you hadn't got that, we'd still be in there now.

This podcast wouldn't be happening. I think escape rooms are always one of those things. They are very muggly but fucking hell they're too much fun that I don't give a shit yeah that one was extra muggly because they made us dress up

yeah oh yeah we had cloaks on didn't we I had to cast a spell at one point you did and you did it with quite a flamboyant

flick of a fist mate I have waited most of my life to fucking cast a spell right oh and a little potion making I fucking loved it

yeah that potion making thing and this isn't too much of a spoiler but they were asking like put a certain amount of droplets into the cauldron right like they were not

paying attention to how many droplets you were putting in so when you're like doing it you just know that they're just watching you do it and then they press the button

when they're like sure they think they've done it no not a button magic like I don't understand like you were in a room with a bunch of prophecies and a wand

what more evidence do you need that magical things were happening. And then today we went Went on a big bouncy castle. A fucking massive fun run. It was like a not a maze but like an assault course all inflatable just outside Murrayfield. It was fucking brilliant.

And it started chucking it down as well. Properly. it started like the sky's open the heavens open and we went just like having fun on a bouncy castle and then he cried with happiness i got really fucked off because you guys did something that i was not willing to do but i was vastly outnumbered right because it started raining we're in the queue for the fucking start bit right and look i'm a fan of queuing right it's an orderly system and then these six fucking cunny piece of shit fucking kids and their shit dad,

right, just let them skip a lot of it because there's a bit we always had to get under the thing and get a help. Under the tent to hear the rules.

Under the tent to hear, and they use that to skip and I'm like, there is, I'm like, I will punch all six of these fucking kids. I have no,

like, you need to learn. The shit dad now, the shit dad had the tightest lycra pants on as well and the shittest arse did you spot that I didn't even point

at his arse out I was like what is that because they're like super tight he had a bunch of his bum up into a little tiny mini bum

like so there was the platform where his bum was meant to be like the backdrop he had a front bum bum he had a camel toe over bum like a bunch of

what the fuck is that that's not an arse he also had ankle supports on for an inflatable assault course he did it looked like you're not playing Wimbledon you cunt

because he had these like yeah the way ankle supports weren't there but they were like special like as if you could clip like ice climbing what do you call them

things that you put on climbing boots ice spikes yeah he looked like he was proper technet seriously I remember thinking that when he lapped me

the second time with his six shit kids. But yeah, you weren't going to let them in front of you. Not a fucking, not a, like,

you need to let them fucking listen. It started getting where we were using body language to be in front of them. And I was just saying, I just was like, you know what,

for the sake of like, a minute and a half. No, but it's not a minute and a half. First of all, I fucking paid for that. They haven't paid for that, right? That shit dad did was and a half no but it's not a minute and a half first of all i fucking paid for that they haven't paid for that right that shit that it's not if it's if it's a specific thing for kids fucking grand right that's that's that says 10 plus these kids were just fucking it's for me and it's for my fucking mates and i fucking paid for it right and also you're

gonna be fucking slower like it's the same thing like whenever they put old people on the plane first you're like you go on last like why are you get why is this old cunt getting off the fucking plane first i'm gonna be stuck behind you you're dead last kids are gonna be fucking slow because the second they go over the top i'm chinning two of them as a warning yeah i was gonna say i only let them in front so i could fucking wipe them out yeah me too me too you see oh mickey that was the funniest thing because it was just a million different sections of bouncy castle assault course greatness right and i would like i went up at the same time as you but i would like burst ahead realize i'd left you behind then turn around to wait for you and then just watch as like nine ten eleven like infants and elderly came through before you.

Mickey would just come through. Little limbs. Mickey comes through drenched but he would have been drenched even if it wasn't raining. I mean you're getting upset about the kids you were like

oh they're going to be slow but the second obstacle we got to you were like let's hide and jump out on Kai and Mickey. Aye, aye. So we stopped

at the second one the best bit about that is because that was like an indoor one that was like dark apart from like the little bits

like beams of light coming through from the entrance so when I come through and realise it was dark I also hid waiting for Mickey

so you two were hiding you're like oh here's Kai he's also hid and then Mickey comes in and he hides

I got out of breath and I'd just gone down a slide where are the guys where are all hiding waiting for you and you just slid in one end

and out the other I love the way you sold that to me as well the way you said hide you just went Gareth

velociraptors you could crouch down because there's like waist high little bits and it's just like velociraptors from Jurassic Park

let's do that scene and then you run into your own reflection clever girl yeah that was a fucking great time thanks for the stag party anyway

boys we would have thought Matty would have turned up wouldn't he no no that is now becoming vastly my favorite game because kai is doing everything within his and his fiancee's power to get every last bit of information about the stag do thus trying to ruin the whole thing for himself we've just started saying that everything is his stag do yeah and it's at that point that i realized like my life is a stag party

every day which is why you don't get a fucking stag to it's also why you keep wearing that Borat thong oh man Keeney's so muggly yeah I think a muggle

come on up and get it the one guy brave enough to pull it off and the group's the one mincing run wear

and getting attention off it such a muggle thing such a muggle thing to do for attention well I think that's the thing about a lotuggle thing. Such a muggle thing to do for attention. Well, I think that's the thing about a lot of stag do's is a lot of it is inherently

muggle-y. But what it is is you're trying to make that person look like a muggle. Alright. The self-awareness. Just that fucking ale plate on your dick.

Put the pee on your arse. You're going to pee on my arse? Happy stag do. Just pretending a jellyfish stung my butt. ours you're going to pee on my arse happy start dude just pretending a jellyfish stung my butt if it was

on your butt I'm the jellyfish proper jelly speaking of Michael Cornow

Mickey do you have any comments because you've never listened to this podcast before I'm just

incredibly busy you seem to mainly never listened to this podcast before I'm sorry about that lads I'm just incredibly busy I've hung out with you the last few days You seem to mainly just lie on the couch scratching your nuts Yeah pretty much man Why would I be a comedian? I don't want to work Are you saying listening to this podcast is grafted and choked?

Why are you making a weird one? Just let me sleep in this house I'm just glad to be here Do you have a concept of what Muggle Corner is? why are you making it weird just let me sleep in this house I'm just glad to be here do you have a concept of what Muggle Corner is you kind of explained it briefly but like

yeah like it's just it's people that are not necessarily shit but it's just like it's a shit we're all guilty of like muggly things

from time to time for example you know could be argued that escape rooms are inherently muggly but I'm going to do them because they're fucking fun.

It's always the classics. Love, live, laugh ones. Yeah, borrowed sentiments. You know, anybody that puts up

a fucking bit of driftwood would please be, what is it, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat. The word's rant over on Facebook. Oh,

yeah. Hive mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's good. Do you have a specific one or is it the... Do you know what, The word's rant over on Facebook Oh yeah Hive mind Yeah Yeah yeah yeah that's good Do you have a specific one Or is it the Do you know what It's probably

You've probably done it before Do it When people don't know Where their seat is on a plane Oh You've been queuing for two hours To get on the fucking thing And then you get in the plane

And you're like Oh where Are we Is this Yeah It's like what were you doing For the rest of the fucking I fucked up two weeks ago

because I in my own head was like I'm going to take the whole plane out I'm just going to start punching people and then sat in my seat

and then someone came over and was like meet you in my seat and I'm like I'm not in your fucking seat mate because I'm not a fucking muggle I do this all the time check my ticket and I was in his seat

I thought ABC were on the left but I would not be in fucking Alphabetical Order you mugs I would not be in fucking alphabetical order here mugs I would have gone D-E-F-A-B-C who the fuck made these seats did you move?

yeah alright see I had that the other day I sat on the wrong seat and I go but I just sat on the D instead of the C sat on the D instead of the C you know

just trying new things 2018 sexuality on the spectrum you knew me seats on the spectrum seats on the spectrum seats on a spectrum we've got this thing that we do

we've got this thing that we do me and Muggins I know you call me Muggins I don't keep going me and Cream yeah

we do this thing it's like we're bond over you know we're such good friends it's banned from the next tour no

not that we're in the same season I wasn't even going to bring that up you brought that up but why are we here

when people are taking ages and you find yourself just queuing in the aisle so everyone's fucking some people have found their seat already and some people have just stood there

and you're looking and you can see the perp you're like you're the fucking person that's it's your fault you stood there and we just get so fucking irate by it

and then when we get to our seats we do a demonstration of how to sit down to the whole cabin and we'll just get so fucking irate by it and then when we get to our seats we'd do a demonstration of how to sit down to the whole cabin and we'd just be like watch this everyone watch I've got my book

in this hand bag goes in there look I'm on my bum that easy yeah straight away just doing a live version of the health and safety thing but with none of the health

and the safety just like you were all vastly inferior fucking crap I can see my seat approaching I'll grab my iPad I'll grab my book whatever I need is in my hand I can see my seat approaching I'll grab my iPad I'll grab my book whatever I need

is in my hand already there's my seat bag under the seat or bag up above it doesn't matter just fucking straight in but like vocalise it and just be proper

obnoxious bellends about it because it's everyday I have to hold a lot of aggression do you know when you see people that get on a plane with two bags

and it says one bag and they try to argue that that second bag isn't a bag you're like it's a fucking bag it just goes over my shoulder it's a fucking bag you can't just put it and then they ask you to put your bum bag in your bag and you're like this is a fanny pack

it doesn't look like a bag it's just an extra pocket well if you want to take that you can take your purse excuse me it's not a purse it's a satchel it's a baby it's a baby he put coins in it

it's just in the nappy like it's a little stripper if you're taking my bum bag off you can take that baby's nappy off too they've both got the same thing in them stripper. If you're taking my bum bag off you can take that baby snappy off too. We've got the same thing in them. Do you reckon you could like

100 mils of shit Do you reckon you could smuggle like small amounts of drugs to another country like in your baby snappy?

I'm sure people have tried. Do you reckon you could? Because first of all like really nobody can suspect that you're

fucking smuggling coconut. Well isn't it like something you don't do with a dead baby before. That's what my tried. Do you reckon you could? Because first of all, nobody can suspect that you're fucking smuggling coconut. Somebody did it with a dead baby before my grandad.

Did it with a dead baby? Is that true? My grandad was a forensic

scientist at the East Kilbride police. Did he smuggle coconut with a

dead baby? Surely he could have just got it from work.

A dead baby. I finally saw one of the airports, I smuggled a dead baby I finally saw the one of the airports I smuggled a dead and there was

notice when the baby wasn't crying they'd filled it with loads of drugs oh wow terrible

terrible parenting proper shit but no I'm not saying this is bad I'm just saying let's say

you're flying somewhere and you're like I was just in Denver I've got a couple of bags of weed I don't saying, look, let's say like you're flying somewhere and you're like, I was just in Denver. I've got a couple of bags of weed.

I don't want to put them in a bin. Just go to, purely medicinal, put it in a smell-proof bag and just... Just put them in a condom. No, put it in a condom. Straight up your baby's bum. No, you don't put it up the arse.

I'm just saying. But definitely like near where the shit comes out. Like, just like, so if a dog starts sniffing them, you're like, fuck it, your dog's sicko.

He's going to eat my baby's shit that's real fucking nonsense I reckon it could work you'd probably do it yeah you'd probably do it in your own pants

so what you're saying is if you don't know where your seat is on a plane smuggle a dead baby smuggle because I get as annoyed

like when you get on a train right I've booked my fucking seat I've booked my fucking seat and I should not Because I get as annoyed Like When you get You know when you get on a train Right Yeah I've booked my fucking seat I've booked my fucking seat And I should not

Be allowed to Because I don't want to get Into that interaction I do that I do that all the time I get in there I'm like I'm like

You're Because I don't want to be like You're in my seat Because I'm like Oh can you not Yes I can But you're in my fucking seat How dare you force me

Into this fucking thing Where I've got to tell you off I don't want to tell you off Obey the fucking rules I'm super guilty It's a proper shit fucking seat. How dare you force me into this fucking thing where I've got to tell you off. I don't want to tell you off. Obey the fucking rules. I'm super guilty. You know I'm super guilty. It's a proper shit camp. Yeah, but this is what happens, right?

I'll get on a train, go to my seat, right? And there's somebody that's got their seat booked as well in the seat next to his. And I'll sit there first and then I'll just fucking move out to a double that's empty.

And then I'll totally forget myself and then someone will come on and go in my seat. And I'll have to fucking get that person that's now in my seat out of my seat. It's fucking not going to affect you. You should just sit where you're given, but given it's half the journey,

not sat next to someone, I'd rather do that. I'd spoil someone's day, can't I? Last time I was on a train, the person sat opposite me had the same reservations as somebody else that came on the train, and he's like, you're in my seat,

and she was like, nope. And they both had the same? They both had the same one. And I was just like was just like this is gonna be good and the guy just was like hi all right then you thought oh unstoppable force me to unmovable object what do you like should we take turns on it just back and forward just you do next up i'll do next one no that's not fair the next like three way much

longer you could find 15 in the next one then it's 45 minutes after that the Dalton no I'm 100% agree with that one what's your

one got it Muggles don't like VAR oh like really passionately resistant I think you can

just go on oh tut that's as passionate as you should get it's just because it's making the decisions right aye

people are still oh it's stopping the game too long like we saw what a couple of them already it stops for 30 seconds

aye and it's not like it happens in fucking rugby happens in tennis happens in WWE like I just think

5 minutes on the Royal Rumble when their feet hit the ground just been like oh no there was only one foot in tennis

get him back in stop the Royal Rumble everyone back in place when I take I get underneath Kane didn't go over the top rope so it doesn't count

that was always the thing you could do in WWE did they have to go over the top rope have to go over the top rope I've never understood why people just

didn't like slide under the thing and then just hide for the whole thing do you know this in UFC if you throw

someone out the cage it's DQ they win really if you throw someone out of the octagon

you've lost that's how I'd win all my matches you get punched and you just run and You've lost. That's how I'd win all my matches. Watch as you get punched and you just... Run and jump back. Oh, got me good there. The Frosby flop out of Ed's car.

Go on into the fucking title fight 10-0. 10-0 by DQ it would be such a I'm not scared of anybody anybody, give me anyone Deida just walking in with your what's the I was going to say Nike Air Max just give it that little bit extra lift straight over the fucking toe

put Flubber on my feet then you get disqualified for wearing shoes, you dickhead. Aye. You can't just like, you can't just start a UFC thinking like, wait a minute,

he's going for it. Aye, sorry, no, there's... I used to wear chain mail. Aye, sorry,

I've ruined the rest of that believable bit. Ah, that. They're plot holes. I mean, it's an unbelievable bit. If you get thrown out

of the octagon, you do lose. That's what you said, it's an unnatural fight, Gareth's getting of the octagon you do lose that's what you're saying it's an actual fight Gareth's going to and then Fosbury flopping over the

fucking side that's a thing you can honestly see happening in your head aye I just don't think you put it

because it's a tall cage you can't hit Fosbury I reckon that would be a game plan where the first punch would

kill you I reckon as soon as someone hits it I'm going to pretend like oh no I've been hit you've just been like ahhh

mate I said not full no blasties I just feel like everyone that hates it at the moment VAR it's just

it's all cunts it's all cunts it's all the fucking Brexit voters it's all the fucking Trump voters it's all the we don't like gay marriage

or abortion rights it's just like in the next 30 years the world's gonna be fucking mint as everyone that's over there just say

oh I love my grandparents right I really fucking do but the second all of their fucking mates are dead what a world

we're gonna fucking live in and as much as I'm starting to have like a misunderstanding for the youth you know that generation gap where you're like oh I don't really know

what makes these kids tick anymore I think we're in better hands with them kids because you see how good they are on Playstation and how fucking

quick-witted like Jack is and shit yeah right and it's like oh I think the next generation's better than what previous generations

and it's like actually that is a software upgrade my problem is I cannot wait until anyone born before the 40s is fucking dead

I think it's going to be a proper great world there couldn't be that many left either before the 40s is fucking dead. I think it's going to be a proper great world. There couldn't be that many left either. Before the 40s, no. No, there's not a fair few. Because the problem I have with a lot of fucking pensioners at this point, right, is if you hate the way the world's changing, right, that's an absolutely opinion that you're allowed to hold,

but you don't get my generation's medicine, right? It's not your world that's changing. It's our world that's changing it's our world that's changing like if you're saying things were better back in my day it's like right

fine no fucking you don't get chemo your hips worked you don't get you've not earned if you think my generation shit you get none

of the fucking medicine that my generation and the generation before it's vented I'm not keeping you in the fucking game to ruin it if everything

in your generation is better fucking go shove fucking mint up your arse or whatever fucking medicine was back then if your generation won a world war

we haven't had one yet no but that's the thing that's the thing they haven't even they haven't even it's the generation or the baby boomers who were born after the war

and they respected I've talked about this before so I'm sorry to the listeners I'd have to hear it again but they fucking respected their elders because their elders earned respect yet they demand the their elders because their elders earned respect

yet they demand the same respect that their elders got without having done anything I'll even like not give you the ball back out the garden and expect the same respect

as people who were on Flanders Field fuck off yeah you're right it's a I saw have you seen the thing that's been shared

on Facebook a lot it's like 1940 18 year old stormed the beaches of Normandy to certain death or whatever, and then it has 2018 18 year olds need a safe place

so you want Hitler back? Just to put these chumps to good use I always say that though I've got, you know I do hate the type of people that ogy ogy ogy oi oi oi lads lads lads

the people that spoil football yeah yeah the people that make it suck to be an England fan because if England win the World Cup right I'll get the joy out of that but also

thousands of people who I think are bellends will get the joy yeah yeah the fact is if we went to war they're the mugs that would send out

front line they're people that are full of testosterone would know where to put it they're just they're heroes without an outlet. And because they don't have an outlet, the bell ends. So I'm always,

when I see these fucking posturing, toxic masculinity cunts, when I see that, I'm just like, I hate you for now, but if we need you, you're going to be the bullet sponge that saves this country.

Yeah, the door in that saves this country yeah the door in that boat drops down I'm not in it I'm a conscientious object now in my thirties two world wars on one word

oh fuck yeah yeah just seven guys called Daz are going out first oh mate and then fucking the date with Pride

the date like fucking finally I get somewhere to put this fucking angst I'd jump out of the boat before it got there win by DQ

Gareth you would totally just lie down on the beach like just sprawl someone else's intestines over you well the best way to get over one man is to get underneath another

that's why if I was there I'd just stand there patting my nine-year-olds while passing. If there is another World War, they're not going to need fucking troops, really. Are they?

No. It's just going to be, where did they get China? They'd probably just get all these fucking flossing 13-year-olds that do the stupid dances to just get on

and control a drone you know what I mean just give start trying to build a fort when they see the enemy give what do you call that what do

you call that youtube alec ninja 3000 or something just give him about six drones just fucking let him control them all pure embarrassment

the north koreans like building a little square around them place that trap fucking noobs in the next world war there is gonna be

I've thought about this on stage I do think it's true do you reckon it must have happened in like the Iraq war with the generation we've got

somebody's teabagged someone genuinely like they they must have done that I reckon we made sop at ours

like the the gall. The gallows humour that you've got to have to fucking get through those things. Of course you're like, I'm teabagging this body. He's not got a head like, but there's plenty

of bullet holes to teabag. It was dark. Come on, Garth. It was dark. It is. If you don't laugh, you'll cry, actually. So, ha ha, you're dead.

The AR is the types that... Those football pundits who are just like... I don't know why Gary Lineker's not just... I don't know why he's not just him across the board on everything. You found your football guy. Yeah, just get his opinion get his opinion if he agrees with it crack on

armchair support I don't know but I don't know nobody does but you've got fucking Martin Lawrence and they'd fucking who was the cunt today

that did that hand of cod joke hand of cod man I understand fucking death threats on the internet now like I've always thought like how could you

ever threaten some of these kids for something they said online and the second that guy went we've seen the hand of God now it's time for the hand of God I was literally googling

where his kids went to school it was rehearsed too just to put fear into him not to do anything he's been sat on that zinger for the whole game for four years and then he was like

he was sat there if they save this penalty I'm gonna fucking be the legend I'm gonna go viral hand of viral and then the fucking pundits in the halftime thing had the audacity

to say oh that was a great hand of cod one I'm like don't pat them on the back for that it's like you know when you're in open making

some of the open spots are sucking but they've got their own little fucking back pattern fraternity going on it was a bit like and I was like

oh no do you guys not realise you suck yeah it was awful all of my I'm allowed to say that it's slanderous ITV's shite ITV's bullshit

if he's a listener fucking come get me dropping truth bombs on this podcast Trevor McDonald fuck you I mean Mickey come on

sorry I mean he's a national treasure that's a good point fucking ITV I've never seen a bit who's the big fat kind that would

shite that used to do it four years ago was it Eamon Holmes no who am I thinking of the one that looks like him fucking

Adrian Childs oh he was the fucking he used to do footballs didn't he I used to do just on ITV because ITV have just like whatever the bottom

of the fucking barrel is like that's what they constantly have I always found he was like a strange choice as someone to be like at the bottom of the fucking barrel is like that's what they constantly have I always found he was like a strange choice as someone to be like at the helm of such a big institution

as football right like he's displaying it's like it's just like it's just some fucking random guy that worked on a forklift in a factory

just went aye this guy you'll do he didn't pick anyone I was like what's even his backstory I don't know

it'd be like Alan Titchmarsh doing it you'd be like what's why is he there but I've supported football since I was a kid.

It's like, Gary Lineker's played since he was fucking two. If you've got experience in football, whether it's from manager or player, I've got no fucking problem. But the fuck is... However, sometimes the credentials on the pitch plays too much of a weight in the scales. Like Alan Shearer, right?

Of course you've got to have Alan Shearer on. One of England's best strikers. You've got to have him on the World Cup show. But that guy is fucking monotone. How did he manage to interview Nobby Solano, his teammate for the best part of a decade, and have no chemistry with him? How did he manage that? What was his opening gambit? He was like, good session today, was it? And he was like, yeah.

Oh, electric! Danny, record this. Have you guys just met in this racial tension what's going on one more thing about VAR before I've absolutely

put that in the muggle corner I don't think it even needs to go to a vote but one more thing is the VAR guys who are sat in the war room with all

the screens wear refs uniforms they wear the kit they are also in the corner yeah yeah like the fact that none of them

questioned if you don't know VAR referees are legit referees they're in another country in a room watching the whole match and they've still got to wear

referee strips which includes the shorts and none of those which proves that referees are necessary but every single one of them is a fucking coward who was that old bald cunt

from eight years ago that was the last decent hard referee the Italian guy he was good he would never have done that he would have been like fuck you

there's not a chance I'm wearing it in a bus some team before he was reffing one of their games before the game the team gave him a hair dryer

like as a gift just to kind of fuck him up a bit I can't remember he spoke about it and he was like as soon as I saw that I was like these cunts up a bit I can't remember he spoke about it and he was like as soon as I saw that I was like

these cunts aren't winning I don't think he could say that what was he called again? I can't remember there's people who are going to be screaming at the podcast

baldy mackaloon baldy mackaloon it was he rolls off the tank that's his pro-evo name my one's also associated to

the world cup at this point fucking and it name my one's also associated to the world cup at this point fucking and it's this one that constantly goes in muggle corner muggles audibly

and continuously let you know how little of a shit they give about the world cup ah yes it's like I

right it's the biggest fucking thing it's the biggest sporting event in the world right everyone loves it

it's not every year it's every four fucking years let people enjoy the things they enjoy if you don't want to watch it don't want to watch it if you're getting annoyed by the hype that's your fault for being alive during the World Cup and if you want the moral high ground

if you want to go the absolute corruption and atrocities and the fucking crimes against humanity that's going on building the stadiums and guitar if you want to go that's the reason building the stadiums and guitar, right? If you want to, like, go, oh, that's the reason I'm not watching it. Like, it's still not good enough a reason.

I don't care. I don't care if people are dying. Good. That's what it takes. The World Cup is fucking mint. Aye. I'd kill folk to watch the World Cup. Aye.

If it was just like, look, if there was a literal blood sacrifice, right, where they were like, for you to get the World Cup in the next four years, each one of you needs to donate six pints of blood. By the way, it doesn't have to be yours. You're like, because I'm terrified of needles,

but I'll kill a cunt. Or just make him bleed a bit. I'd give them hundreds of litres. And they'd give you money for it. Yeah, because I do agree with that with the

corruption and the atrocities and stuff but it is too big to even let

that put you off we have to go yes I'm aware but that isn't going to stop us

watching it you have to yeah because not everyone's not going to fucking watch it. Like, you're fucking from a protest. It's like some people still go to church. Look what they do. Yeah.

Aye. Aye. With the amount of atrocities that are going on in the fucking Vatican. And they're just like, aye. Aye. But then again, they're wrong, so are we. Now just admit that we're wrong. No, I actually... I disagree with it all.

I think it's brilliant what Scotland's been doing by boycotting the World Cup for the last few years. Aye, that's it, aye. Both the Ireland's done the same thing this year as well, just to make a statement. Aye, it's fucking real shit as a Scotland fan to watch Iceland doing so well. No, it's Saudi Arabia.

Oh, but they're doing shit, though. Yeah, Iran just had a belt there against a really strong Morocco team. Aye, but they're the same though. Iran just had a belt there against a really strong Morocco team. But Iran's massive. Aye, it's massive in fucking geographical size

but the population isn't as big because half of it is uninhabitable. Is it? I read books. What's the population of Iran then?

I think it's about the same as England. It's about the same as England but have you seen the fucking size of England? Aye.

The population of Scotland is less than the population of Scotland is less than the population of London so Iran is a much bigger team than us is what I'm saying

to be fair Iceland though we've got no I heard what I said about the terrain they'll have to play football in like really bumpy ground

sand I stopped reading after a while I'm just sorry wanted to pick up a couple of facts I just guessed the rest are Iceland one of those

teams where like the players aren't all full time footballers are they oh aye that's always great that's always real fucking good

did they not say the goalkeeper he made movies a movie directed yeah because Arie Elgjarn who we've spoken on the podcast before

is an Icelandic comic was talking to him about the last World Cup he was like every single one of them like because Iceland's so small he's like I know he's about the last World Cup he was like every single one of them like because Iceland's so small he's like

I know he's like a celebrity in Iceland so he's like I know all celebrities in Iceland because it's tiny because there's four

yeah there's four but now after the one of them's his dad yeah yeah ex well it's grandad ex fucking prime minister he's saying he knows

all of the fucking footballers and it's really weird because some of them like it's not their main job he was like yeah the guy's a movie director has been for a while like he's directing the show

and doing all this other stuff and then just chucked on some keeper gloves and turned out alright whereas Scotland's got so many fucking stadiums and we're still absolutely passionate

that's a pretty cool job to get back to as well it's not like oh back to the grain like movies any day following two of his dreams Dean Arad saying I had a joke about Scottish football

the fringe that was ah fuck it doesn't matter my joke was that I love Scottish football because you can get a taxi to the stadium and then go and watch

the taxi driver play football he's coming along he's a kid works better on stage doesn't he nah worked fine just then

what's your muggle corner my muggle corner is em people who set up like happy birthday stuff on roundabouts for their partners

just a bed sheet a fucking bed sheet with a fucked up bubble right on and on it's the I think it is the lowest form of romance. Oh, it's like... It's a big gesture.

It's a big sheet. Romance is dead. Like, not even like... I doubt you've went out and bought a sheet especially. You've probably just dug an old one out that you've not even put on your bed anymore. Some fucking flea ridden... I saw one of these, right? So driving Edinburgh to Glasgow, you know that bit

where there's the clock that gives you the temperature as well the little LED sign right so there was a thing there that said like Mary will you marry me

or something right and I saw it on like one week I was like fucking hell that's so bad and then the next week when I was

driving past they put up a sheet saying Mary said yes and I went oh fucking cool I was like driving past they put up a sheet saying Mary said yes and I went oh fucking cool oh good

I'm glad that worked out did the guy proposed with a bed sheet aye oh my god I can still see the stains tear stains she said yes

it was way stiffer in the wind it was probably like a bit of fucking cardboard she said yes it was way stiffer in the wind like it was probably like a bit of fucking cardboard he's like she said I can tell

if that comes if that falls off it's like corrugated iron through the fucking wind shield there's a right angle in the middle

but I did I did get a little thing where it was like oh fucking I'm glad he kept us up to date there was the railway bridge over the river Blythe had you know there was like oh fucking I'm glad they kept us up to date and there was the railway bridge

over the River Blythe it had you know there was like little sections of it and someone had gotten up and wrote Denise I love you

in it and I always thought that was like fucking really romantic and Denise was like oh she's going to love that when she looks up

and she's like oh he risked his life to go up and do that and then it got blacked over and I was like bastards but there was

Denise that did it she was like this is fucking embarrassing I was like, bastards. But it was Denise that did it. Denise just went over and just got a paint job. She was like, this is fucking embarrassing. I'm sure you had to do it with no hands. Imagine how fucking mortified

you'd be if you were Denise. You'd look up and oh my Trevor, what are you doing? I don't understand the logic because I'd love to, imagine you're the one you're driving fucking home

right just from work. You've just done your 95 and you've been stuck in traffic. Like, how muggly are you? And then you're like, oh God god i just can't be like oh it's me and you just drive around the roundabout like an extra three times like oh i can't imagine anyone actually getting joy out of it and if you're turning but i assume it's me you do that with you you drive past right and you'd be like oh fucking whoever kai he's going to be but wait a minute oh no

no I had a cousin it was like her 40th birthday her husband put a massive like on a roundabout fucking happy 40th

whatever and then a limo pulled up to the house and he blindfolded her and put her in the limo to take her to a surprise party but you're like

well she obviously knows it's a surprise party because you've got to fucking sign up saying happy birthday plus this is Belfast and you're blindfolded a, she obviously knows it's a surprise party because you've got to fucking sign up, say happy birthday. Plus, this is Belfast and you're blindfolded a woman. Bundling her into a car, which she doesn't know. I've taken her upstairs above a pub.

She's probably thinking, am I getting fucking kneecapped? She doesn't know it's a limo because she's blindfolded. You might as well have just put her in a micro and just went, you enjoying your limo ride? Have you ever done limos? yeah we properly scored I'll tell you about the date I went on

with my friend to Florida where he got this was back in 2007 my mate got dumped he basically told his girlfriend

to take two weeks off work I'm going to take you away somewhere for your birthday I'm not going to tell you where it is it's a surprise

but just take two weeks off we're going away somewhere bought our Florida tickets all the park rides and stuff right and then like two days before the holiday I was like I can't go with you I'm fucking my boss

fuck and Carl rang us up and went do you want a free trip to Florida in two days time right and I was like I don't fuck with my employee I'm fucking Catherine's boss I'm fucking Catherine's boss I'm fucking

I'm basically fucking I took the phone call at seven in the morning and just went oh there's no way I'd be able to get the spending money all the time

off work at this short notice I've got like no chance and then hung up and then woke up like no idea I'm like what the fuck

have I just done I rang work and was just like I'm not coming in for two weeks and then I rang my brother I was like can I borrow

any money that's in your bank and just fucking sucked into the fucking phone but I went there and was just like, I'm not coming in for two weeks. And then I rang my brother. I was like, can I borrow any money that's in your bank? And just fucking sorted it. But I went there. And the fucking first day, we met these girls at a theme park. And then we were going to meet them at this cocktail bar. We were on International Drive.

And we all had a taxi. And the taxi driver turned up in a fucking pimp-ass limo. And basically, he'd just done a limo job. And he was going to have to drop the limo off to get the taxi to give Willis back. And he fucking took her on this date. We were on a fucking limo and basically he'd just done a limo job and he was going to have to drop the limo off to get the taxi to go with us back and took one

this day we were in a fucking limo doing a natural drive these fucking young lads in their fucking frog body it's like a die hard moment isn't it

just you sitting in the front seat like I'm not comfortable they give away the free liquor as well because any booze that was in the back had been paid for

by the party that used it so we were just fucking mind sweeping the back of this fucking limo. It was ridiculous. Both of you ended up very, very sleepy. Oh my god, this really is

the place of dreams. That's me trying to be Bill Cosby. I wish you'd committed. I'm not just sad you bailed on it did they fall for the limo trick haha

haha is that Mickey yeah or no Mickey that was my goofy impression oh they've drank the chloroform they're dead

take off my red pants I'm gonna fuck his ass I'm coming to the don't put holes in my logic I'm not over do you think people

drink the chloroform fucking legends do imagine that not that you should but let's say that kind of ignorance is why some hookers become dead hookers

you can't I was concentrating on the voice aye aye alright I wasn't doing that well drinking clover

from us in Muggle Corner now innit I think it's just in fucking death corner I think genuinely we're going to have to make this a short one

because the fucking football's on aye like it's really I just scored about 10 minutes ago I'm like it's really I just heard this score about 10 minutes ago what is this score I'm not

it's not now aye I was like fucking come on let's get this done I tell you what I've been fucking loving we can do another one we can do another one after the show tonight

can I just get yeah we'll get one in the tank for sure but here's some advice to people because some people probably in a muggly way went oh is this just going to be

a world of football is this because you know if you're talking about something that they're not interested in, they can switch off. Whereas you should be able to listen to the stuff I've said and still get joy from it, even if you're not a big fan of the football. It's still accessible.

But here is my advice to anybody who's not into the World Cup, who's putting in that resistance, who's in the muggle corner for resisting such a fucking fantastic event. Bet on corners. Go to fucking Paddy Power and find the bets on both teams to get more than 2.5 corners each half. And they'll give you like fucking 12 to 1 on it. Put a quid on, right?

You might win 12 quid. This is going to cost you a punt. You are going to celebrate every time a guy does a play. It's fucking joyous. I put on this ridiculous thing where it was like Iran get the first free kick. Iran get the first goal kick in Morocco get the first goal in the first

something else right so three of the four came in in order the fourth one fucked us because Iran got the goal instead of Morocco

but it just meant when it went out of play for an Iran goal kick I jumped off my seat I don't know the fuck about Iran and Morocco I'm watching it because I enjoy watching football

in general but now I'm celebrating the ball going to play for a goal kick. Just go on Paddy Power, put a quid on some corners, watch a match and tell me that you don't see the joy in the World Cup. Just put a little bit, it's like, bet the scores, bet a quid on 3-1, because those odds are nine times out of ten, more than ten to one. I put a fucking bet on, you know, fucking 3-1 for a thing,

and then when it gets to 3-1, you're like, every time a goal goes in, I bet 3-2 on the Spain know, fucking 3-1 for a thing. And then when it gets to 3-1, you're like... Every time a goal goes in, I've had 3-2 on the Spain-Portugal game, right? And I was like, every time I go in, I'm like, here we fucking go. And then it sits on 3-2. And then the bet gives you a chance to cash out. So you can see that there's got to be another goal.

Both teams have thrown everything at it. And there's bets saying, like, you're going to win 90 if it stays 3-2, but we'll give you 40 quid now if you leave and you just cash out and take a 40. Just stop robbing yourselves of joy so pick up gambling ladies and gentlemen

sell whatever your kids because look whatever you're going to buy them for the birthday of the Christmas take that money and gamble it

because you can get them a better Christmas present and if you can ask that's about 12-13 quid for a bed sheet instead of wishing

a happy birthday to your fucking muggle shit lass. Put a couple of quid on the corners, you mad cunt. Right, let's get into these ya da jokes. I have got some fucking shit to say about what ya dad's like.

Mickey, your dad's been busy. Mickey, your dad says June and makes a capital ask your dad Mickey your dad says tune and makes a capital T like that with his forearms every time someone offers him a lozenge

your dad chokes a tune he's gonna always go down your mum well Mickey your dad's a massive racist and refuses to do monkey bars which is what he calls

rap music oh your dad is a dick Gareth your dad is a dick. Gareth, your dad has a Hand of Cod tattoo. Already? It's 25 minutes ago. Daniel, your dad's a full kit wanker when he watches World Cup games,

including football boots and shin pads and whistle and cards. Two wristwatches and an earpiece Can I hear your dad apply for the 5 second rule of liquids? Danny, your dad goes to pub quizzes with his mates and they call themselves the XL incels incel being involuntary celibate

for anybody that hasn't come across as people weirdos Mickey, your dad's farts smell like baby burps I don't know why Gareth your dad presses the demo button on a Yamaha keyboard and pretends to be the one playing it oh Kenny if your dad presses the demo button on a Yamaha keyboard and pretends to be the one playing it?

Oh, Kenny. Yeah, Garth, your dad ties his laces using the loop, swoop and pull method from Big Daddy. And every time he's finished tying his laces, he goes, who's the daddy? Well, Kai, your dad refuses to go to Ikea because there's too many beds for monsters to hide under. Kai, your dad cleans his car with his tongue. Oh my God, take me ages.

Danny, your dad uses Encarta CD-ROM instead of the internet. Yeah, Danny, whenever someone says, your dad, how do you like your tea? He says, like my men, black with a bit of cool water. Mickey, your dad busks with a recorder. Gareth, your dad took calligraphy lessons to give his death threats that certain panache.

Nice. Mickey, your dad joined St John's Ambulance so he could sign up for a uniformed date nap. Fuck. I opened too strong. When your dad shakes people's hands, he goes, oh, lovely. Danny, your dad plays Peruvian panpipes

with his arse. Mickey, your dad boils eggs in his armpits. Garth, your dad had trials for West Ham but he did his cruciate ligament. He's not happy about that. Yeah, Kai, your dad uses hugs as a defence mechanism. Fight or flight a hug.

Kai, your dad thinks popping your collar is the same as popping your clogs. He tagged me when we granddad puppy's collar. Kai, your dad's shotgun's tins of beans. All right, Danny. Well, your dad always says.com after stuff. Like, you know, like, oh, I'm hungry,.com. Diet,.com.

Sort of like, oh, please,.com. And, uh, help,.com. The usual. sort of like oh please.com and help.com the usual yeah Kyle your dad believes the official story of the JFK assassination every word of it

Mickey your dad kicked his ball into the neighbours garden and made your mum go round and get it Gareth your dad is a background extra but only in movies

about Nazis because he's already got his own costume saves the wardrobe department a lot of money I bet his white sheet's got will you marry me Heidi on it

Mickey your dad eats an apple with a flick knife because he's a real man Daniel your dad is constantly saying I put my trousers on just like everyone else

one leg at a time but he doesn't he jumps into them Danny your mum gave me your dad's car and he let her he did what?

that's true your mum gave me your dad's car and he let her did I do it? I did actually do that didn't I? no problem

just give Gareth I come into the gig on Thursday and you're signing the pink slips to his dad's car and he'd let her? Let her do it. He did actually do that, didn't he? No problem. Just give Gareth. I come into the gig on Thursday and you're signing the pink slips to his mum's car. I thought you'd be doing a drag race.

Mickey, your dad's Tinder pic is the St. George's flag. Fucking piece of shit. Gareth, your dad didn't wallpaper his jot he used emulsion

and then he r-text it with a sponge Gareth your dad also turns the brightness right up on his telly to give him an excuse to wear his shades indoors

he's so cool is that what we've done is it? I'm done oh no I've got one more Kai your dad said he wouldn't marry your mum

unless his first dance was the floss he was well ahead of his time then he was flossing in the 70s go one more. Kai, your dad said he wouldn't marry your mum unless his first dance was the floss. He was well ahead of his time then. He was flossing in the 70s. Oh, well, that

was a... 80s, 80s, 1980. Nobody cares. Oh, dad, when? No. Eh, people

do. Name six. Most of them are dead. Popped their collars. We'll probably do another one tonight because this is

obviously a short one but we'll do one when the football's not on and we're not we didn't plug anything so just do something else

with your time you know what I mean Mickey Bartlett Gareth Waugh you've both been great thanks for coming on the podcast bye