Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.47 Stag Do 2.0

Episode Date: August 2, 2018

Moving back in together at the dawn of the fringe Muggins and Cream prepare for a month at the Edinburgh Festival and go over the antics of the second Stag Party. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Ah, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

Ladies and gentlemen, listeners, welcome to Sloss and Humphreys on the Road, our regular podcast. Which isn't always regular, but we do our best. I'm patiently waiting. Nah. It's not coming? Nah, just thought I'd... It's just a normal intro this time? Just thought I'd use the podcast.

And there's no little ditty on its way? No. No shitty puns? No, I've turned a corner. You've turned over an early leaf, have you? Yeah. I think this time every year is the time that we reinvent the podcast. Because we're like, it's changed now.

Because we didn't do it for four weeks. Well, what happens... Sorry for keeping you waiting I know we're meant to do it Twice a week We're meant to do Monday and Thursday podcasts Aye

But that's easier When we're actually on the road When we're on the road That's all It was just meant to be on the tour Aye And we've had this little whinge before But it is nice to do it

When you're on separate roads Aye And have guests on And when we're Bumping into each other again It's hard to keep it regular Especially that we've got There's no real investment in it.

We don't have like a Patreon set up. We don't have sponsors. No, yeah. It's easy to be lax. I mean, to be fair, we know why we don't have sponsors. I mean, bows can fuck off. Do you know how many pairs of bows I've sold? It's got to be double figures now.

I highly doubt that. Well, let's name them off, right? There's Barry. Right. There's Nick Cody. Right. There's Elliot. Barry. Right. There's Nick Cody. Right. There's Elliot. Three. Right. There's the boy Matty Beach, shout out to Matty Beach who bought some, who gives a little

shout out. I feel like you're about to just start coming into pro-Evo names now. And then there was Dingbat Womblehoof. There was Mr. McBooby. Oh, I chishmated one of them. That's a real person. Oh, I saw it May That's a real person Oh I swear it is That's a comedian Oh

A comedian from Newcastle Who Whenever Anybody mentions a name People think you're making it up Aye It's a proper pro He's got a pro

He's got a pro name How's your show going It's It's miraculously a show Aye Good numbers Big laughers Good numbers Big laughers good numbers big laughers

got a reviewer in on Wednesday all that cliché that I said throughout the fringe so basically we've got shows however we've been on back to back stag do's

which we need to discuss stag do number two by the way have we not done that on this podcast we've done a podcast what I thought was the end of my stag do, but what you knew was the eye of the storm. Eye? Oh, yeah, yeah, that was it, because I remember

specifically, I think it was that day that we actually surprised you, or it was two days before, because on that podcast, you were talking about how you were glad it was over, and you even mentioned, like, oh, I thought it was going to be the weekend in Sheffield, this weekend in in sheffield and i was very quietly sat there going you are a fucking mug so yeah i hadn't right i was so certain i was like uh i don't know what's

happening but people had dropped clues in little bits that you were like right at me for and then you started making it so that if people were giving stuff away you were giving more stuff away to make this fake news situation where i didn't know what was the real spoilers yeah i really donald trumped it i went there's too much bad rumors out there that are genuinely true and the only way to stop this is by spreading more utter utter utter drivel and hope that the truth gets lost with the bits of the sudoku that i had i completed the sudoku and worked out this is a bad metaphor but i worked out that um it was going to be on the weekend of the 12th of july and uh

when i'm meant to be in sheffield because when i took this gig right i took the sheffield weekend um thursday and saturday he put it up on the forum the promoter jules shout out jules uh and when i off when i told Marlene of the dates and said I'm going to busy look for the Friday, I think there's a gig in Chester I can do on the Friday to plug the gap she asked for Jules' number so that she could try and get Gareth and Mickey gigs

with him and then instantly he emailed me back saying I've got a gig for you on the Friday so in my head, my fucking Columbo brain went, well, she's just fucking rang him

and said, pretend them gigs are real. Pretend there's a Friday. That's his stag do, right? Yeah. So I was 100% convinced that was my stag do until I had me stag do.

Until stag do one rocked up. Until stag do one rocked up. But to be fair, you didn't know it was called stag do one. You just thought it was called stag do. Until stag do one rocked up. Until stag do one rocked up. But to be fair, you didn't know it was called stag do one. You just thought it was called stag do. It was like the Hangover movies. You were like, oh, I love the Hangover.

Oh, Hangover 2. So, it was Hangover 2. Hangover squared. So, I knew there was people nodding at me stag do who would have loved to have been there, close friends, right?

But they all rang me at specific points or chatted to me in the pub and just said, hey, I've got kids, I've got a family, I've got a job. I'm already flying over for the wedding. I can come to your wedding or I can come to your stag do, which would you like me to come to? And every time anybody asked that question, I want you at my wedding. Yeah, except for S but we were like stacked so i come back from stag number one so fucked like i was i was full of like bravado of like

oh i'm unbroken like i was fucked. And then I got back to my life and I was like, oh, fuck, that means I've got to book my transport for Sheffield. And I looked, I wanted to get a hire car and they were like

fucking 250 quid or something. This is where Natalie played a blinder because you were trying to book a car up to... Because I had punch drunk too. Yeah, yeah. I had...

No, that wasn't the punch drunk one, was it? No, that wasn't the one. I'm getting them fucking confused now. They're all blending into one. That was the first I do. So you're trying to get up to Sheffield and you were about to book a car

and obviously Natalie knew that it was your second taxi. She was like, nah, don't waste the money. Just get a train up. And I'm like, oh, but the train's like fucking £80 each way now because I've left it until the weekend off. And she's like, well, Kai, you're saving up for a wedding. Just buy bus tickets. They were 14 quid. And I and i just went uh fucking fair enough save some money i bought

the bus tickets so i only wasted like 12 quid so he's done well of by the way you've been nally because i was more than happy to let you drive to your fucking stack to enjoy because i was just like at this point i cannot ruin any more surprises so i i have i've done the first gig so i am like just like the realization has dawned that like this is a weekend of work now yeah right and i would say fair enough i need the money and i've done the first gig and then i met i think when you said the words to yourself i need the money that's when just somewhere wherever me and my were just the hair on the back Of our necks stood up And we just went

Not on our watch You're not earning For this wedding Natalie is paying For all of me Fucking poor Natalie She's just been working hard I know

And her hen do's Have been shit Her hen do Hasn't happened yet Oh well Spoiler alert She had like a London hen With some of the gals

Down there Playing some games and stuff but she's coming up with Glasgow I would like to because there was a bit with Mari's friends

Stardew and also with Hendoo even and Natalie's Hendoo where they were talking to me and I suddenly realised how unthreatening

I am as a male because at both times they're like oh you should come I'm like oh really you're going to invite Natalie's hen just because I'm. I'm like, oh, really? You're going to invite them to Natalie's hen? Just because I'm not.

I'm like, I don't know if it was Natalie's but Natalie's, they were like, yeah, you can come along to that. I was like, I don't know if I'm upset by that.

Just me sitting there with a fucking buff man stripping in my face. I'm like, oh, this is why. I don't even think I'd understand any of it. I'd love it.

You know if I went on a hen party, then they'll all start squawking on or whatever they do. I would it I'd love it you know if I went on a hen party then they'll all start like squawking on or whatever they do I would I'd love it I'm very good at because first of all

I obviously I love gossip second off I love cocktails so like I don't see I'm well up for it I'm a non-threatening

you like talking about the boys I like talking about the boys and also just getting all the gossip about the boys I would love because

I mean how much are we flattening ourselves out get all the gospel of the boys. I would love that. I mean, how much are we flattering ourselves that they even for a second talk about us? I mean, I've assumed it should be. I bet they do. I know it's a cliche. I bet your real life doesn't pass the Bethnal test. I bet they just go all... Do you call it the Bethnal test?

Bethdal? Bethdal. Bethdal. Not Bethdal, Bethdal. No, Bethnal is where you live. Oh yeah, Bethnal Green. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's why that word was in your head. Is he the Bechtel or Beshtel from, I don't know, her first name? Explain what that is to the listeners who don't know. So the Beshtel test was... Made by Alan Turing to see if a robot was human. Yep. No, it's to see if women were human. And none of the buzzers.

Bestial Test, I can't remember her first name, which really makes my next point entirely invalid. It was about women's representations in television and movies and how in-depth the female characters were. And the way you pass the Bestial Test is if there are more than two characters, two female characters, test is if there are more than two characters uh two female characters and if the female characters talk about something other than uh the male protagonist and because most of you be like that woman's got that movie's got a lot of women in it and then you watch the movie and it's like

oh my god isn't the main character so great so that's where they're just like that's what they mean by underrepresented because we're like but there's seven of you in it and it's like yeah but they're all talking about you and it's like yeah naturally that's what they do all the time every presentation of real life all women do is talk about us obviously i would love to be a fly on the wall i'd love to be a fly on the wall for a head dude just because obviously just to see what the difference is because I know that the girls in our life I bet they're filthy man and I bet they can fucking bang

and I don't mean sexually but like see Mari our good friend who runs bars and stuff she is about five foot three she looks like a stone and if i sneeze she disappears in the wind she can fucking drink like an animal like an absolute i was drinking with her last week um yeah like it's just you're just up there you have so and i've never partied when natalie hasn't

been there till the bitter end as well and she doesn't touch cocaine or anything but she's robust though yeah and the wedding's off turns out all your boys all your boys could have come to

the Malaga stand too so yes Bethel test Turing test is the one way you test theuring test is the one way they test the robots which is

what X Machina is the Turing test yeah X Machina X Machina and I failed one did you

yeah I was trying to log into my audible account and I couldn't prove I wasn't a robot what was it was it the thing like pointing at these things

which are roads and which are these nah it was letters numbers but like I think like some of them were capitals and some of them were lowercase Was it the thing like point at these things which are roads and which are these? No, it was letters, numbers. But I think some of them were capitals and some of them were lowercase. But every now and again, they'll throw in an M or a W. And you're like, well, considering they're all different sizes, I can't tell.

But a lowercase M looks different to an uppercase M. It does. That's the sound of it. Which other ones then? I? No, I is different, lowercase. Some of them were different. It's uppercase I and lowercase L that's difficult.

Yeah, well, I couldn't do it. I thought I could i would be like oh that m's got rounded off edges have you ever done the cool facebook one where we log into your account and they're past the robot testers they show you like six pictures of your mates and like who's this person and you've got to click who it is it's a fun wee minigame and then by the time it's done you're both you're like oh no oh my god i'd probably feel that at the fringe i don't know what happens to me at the fringe

but I'll be stood in front of fucking me dad and I'll be like who's that guy again fuck I'm sure I know him Kev hi dad hi dad

hey dad how's the show going good numbers big laughers how's your show last time it was good it was good I was off

but they were great honestly smallest numbers like 12 in or something but honestly best show of the run I spread around though spread around I'm doing the two for one deals

and stuff just seeing people get in but it's just you know I'm not paying for a publicity decision it's just going to be word of mouth and stuff it's a false economy actually

like what are you doing it for you only get them big posters so you can be seen they don't convert to ticket sales really it's just a PR machine look if you want to go through the room and all, that's fine.

Honestly, from my experience, I've had more numbers in when I'm just flying around on the streets. I mean, the rain, obviously. So, just let listeners know, because we have got fans in South Korea and Saudi Arabia and stuff like that. I mean, we don't.

I think we've had one listener in each of those. I know I've got a fan in Saudi Arabia. She mentioned me on Instagram the other day. Did you? I didn't know. What we're doing there is a bit a little skit about the Fringe Festival

and how comedians talk to each other and they just say the same shit over and over again on a repetitive loop and it usually starts with how's the show going

so a lot of people what you find at the Fringe is the same people that say oh you know I'm not taking this Fringe seriously are the same ones

that won't fucking drink every night. And you're like, yes, you are. Yes, you are. You want to be in your right headspace. Why are you not in loft

until 5am? Nah, I don't really care about reviews. Why are you in bed at 12? Yeah, yeah. Open Google. Open Google.

Type in the first letter of your name. See what comes up. Show us. Show us. Is it your name plus the word review? I can't

stand comedians like that. If you don't want to drink for the festival, I was about to add a caveat. No, fuck you. What are you doing? Come on. Obviously you don't have to drink fucking every night but to put it into perspective for

the non-comedians who listen to this, so most of our listeners, imagine I was to offer you an opportunity, right, where for an hour a day you have to do your job, that you're good at, by the way, right? You're just good at your job. The reason you're good at your job is because it's your job and you make a living out of it.

Now, I make you go somewhere for a month to do that job for an hour a day one occasionally randomly i'll make you do that job for five minutes 10 minutes or whatever 15 yeah on a showcase yeah but the thing is also all of your best friends in the whole wide world are there and you only need to work an hour a day right are you going to bed at 10 oh no i can't go tonight i've got i've got to of my shelves up at 12 tomorrow shut the fuck up you've got nothing to do but one hour a day and people talk about

being exhausted oh nah people always say oh I'm so tired this run's getting the best of me you're like one hour a night

you've got no kids aye like what the fuck like if I yeah I've been sesh fatigued here yes absolutely

I've been like fucking three weeks in to getting fucked up, but I'm not like, oh, this fringe is kicking my ass. I'm like, oh, fuck, I'm partying a bit too hard. Yeah, your exhaustion is down to your partying,

but if you're exhausted from working an hour a day, unless you are a very, very high energy comedian or an acrobat, then you're not exhausted and if you are you're weak I'm gonna pull off the impossible this year

I'm gonna fucking represent the party I like how you made sure that was the first thing you said to me because you'd just be like

I'm gonna be sensible I would have been off this fucking podcast I'm gonna find a man that can do both I'm going to fucking get up we've done it before, we've done it in Adelaide

remember in Adelaide 2014 I woke up early, had a good breakfast went to the gym, had a decent lunch and then caned it from then on yeah and then in the morning fucking hauled ass out of bed, it's so much easier in Adelaide because you just fucking take your eggs and your food salad and your fucking smoothies and your coffee onto the balcony and it's just

fucking lovely here it's gonna be it's gonna be a bit treaty a bit like i would just like get up and just go sweat it out go for a run i'm not fucking stepping into that shit to go for a run scotland has been phenomenal for five weeks it's been uncomfort hot. And obviously I know I say that as a Scotsman. There'll be Australians and Americans being like, you don't know hot. No, I do. I've been to your countries and I also can't stand that.

I can't stand any level of heat. My problem with hot weather is if you're too hot, there is nothing you can do about that unless you own a swimming pool. If you're too cold, this is the most Scottish thing I'll ever say, layers.

Layers. It's very easy it's very easy to go from cold to hot that's manageable i've got like a real good threshold i've discovered this right and just as well uh listeners we are going to get back to this dagadoo chat which deviate but we all will always remember i mean not always but we will always we've put a pin in it right we're gonna get back to that that. My temperature threshold goes from, if I'm not shivering and worried about my life, I'm totally fine.

Even when I'm sweating, unless I'm uncomfortably hot, dehydration level hot, I'm fine. I've just got this range of heat that I can live in, somewhere between 6 and 36 36 degrees where I'm completely fine, yeah the women in my life my mum and Natalie and stuff

they've got like a bracket of about half a percent where they've got to live somewhere about 19.5 or whatever it is, whatever core body temperature is if it changes from that they're just operating windows and fans and fucking all like i sleep with a fan in the bedroom now because natalie like has a temperature issues and i'd much rather

like be warm in bed lying in bed warm than just have this and it's moving along and you're just waiting for it and then this tiny little gust of and then the other way. I'm on Natalie's side here. I cannot sleep in a fucking warm room at all. My rules for bedrooms is a bedroom needs to be

fucking freezing. It needs to be absolutely fucking I want I'm not out with this house because the bedrooms get cold in here. You need to walk into the fucking bedroom and go oh for fuck's sake

because that's what makes the bed so good right it's meant to be warm in the bed and cold on the outside right

and that way it's very easy to regulate the temperature I'm too hot you lift it up fucking hell that's absolute freezing back on

if a room is hot and you're lying on a pile of fucking feathers and whatever mattresses are made of, what are mattresses made of? Metal. Mostly metal. Mattresses? I bet you if you took everything out of a mattress, right?

Put the fabric there, the wool there, whatever it's filled with, the bit you're looking for, and the springs there, and you had a way in, mostly metal. Mattresses are made of metal. I'm sorry, do you still have a mattress with springs in it? I live at your house. Oh, that would be my last chance one, aye. No, I'm on memory phone, baby. Aye. What's that made of? Memory.

My one, honestly, I'm going to have to burn that, otherwise I'm going to jail. Oh, man, you're just lying in in bed and you remember the school teacher, one of the music teachers, who asked for naked photos of you. You remember your dead sister. It's a very rough sleep. Yeah, everything just comes rushing back. That's why you have to flip it over every now and again.

Remember that girl who gave you a real hard time when you broke up? Aye, aye. Just fucking everything. It's fucking everything. It's all in there. To be fair, that foot... I don't know how long memory foams are meant to last, but I reckon my one is well due. Clean.

Yeah. Just some meditation. Just one of those men in black fucking pens that I can just go to my bed. It's memory. Aye. Just... As well, what's going to happen to you

when you start getting back into shape and stuff because you've just had a fucking hefty couple of months of festivals. That's been great. And when you start getting back into shape,

you're just going to be left in this crevice where your body used to be. Remember? It's a big fat Homer Simpson Daniel in this. It'll be like, I'll be sleeping in a crater

It's like You'll be like Dusty Divot Just a very small thing Hiya Just down the fucking I'll tell you what I'll do Is I'll get my

I'll get my skateboard back out I'll just do fucking Sick flips I'll use it as a ramp I'll use it as a half pipe You saying I'm fat? No No

I've got a little bit Of my punch back But You look healthy What? You look healthy Well I'm fat? No. I've got a little bit of my punch back. You look healthy. What? You look healthy. Well, I'm not, so that's a lie. And if I do, brilliant news. You look glandular.

Aye. I've got a lot of angles where I could get real, real fucking chinny. It's real good. I have not been to the gym in so long, and I'm really enjoying this. Because I know eventually I will, but I'm really enjoying this brief period of not giving a shit.

And it's also because, and I'm going to say this to you just now so we don't have to edit this podcast. Do not drop any names or backstory to the thing I'm about to say, right? Because it will have to be deleted. I'm smirking. I know.

I don't know what it's about yet. Right. I'm currently banging people, but people who don't give a shit how I look. See when girls start banging you for your personality? It's probably good in the fucking gym. Yeah, but Natalie would accept me. Natalie would have sex with me

if I was a tubby aye but who's it for then who's it for aye being in shape who's it for still her but she didn't give a shit and you've also said

that even when you were in shape she didn't aye I wouldn't give a shit if she put on weight you would but I'd still like it if she didn't

like you know what I mean I'd still bang her I'd still like oh no look if I. Like, you know what I mean? I'd still bang her. Like, that sex life would still be great. Yeah. That's called getting comfortable, dude. Yeah, yeah. If I got to a stage where, if I got to a stage where,

and look, everyone's got their own, if I looked to a stage where I wasn't happy, like, with the shape I was in, I would absolutely change it. And I will, because that's what happened last time I got out of shape. I was like, all right, this is not a shape I personally enjoy being in. And I will, because that's what happened last time I got out of shape. I was like, alright, this is not a shape I personally enjoy being in.

Now I'm going to go back to shape. Fortunately, my stomach, thanks to the drinking, has shrank so much that I've not put on too much. I've just got a little bit of a pause, just not too much. You're getting away with it, because you're 26, 27, 28. 27. Well, you're near 28.

That's round up okay decimal system we're working with but strangely that's not how age works who took your own maths I cannot fucking walk if you're 17 years old

you cannot walk into a fucking bottle shop where do I live Australia you can't walk into a pub or whatever and be like

oh yeah but we'll round up you should be I mean you should I agree with you see when they don't serve you the day before your birthday,

you're like, what do you think the difference between me today and me tomorrow is? Apart from tomorrow. Him losing his job, which is a shame. Like, that's the way it is. It's fucked up. It's never them. It's the fucking red tape and the bureaucracy.

This country's going to the dogs. This country? You just said bottle shop. Aye. Australia's going to the dogs. The world's my country stag do yeah let's get back to that

had we finished everything that we were on just then oh yeah about yeah let's just put a put a cherry on that one alright

yeah it's like if you're comfortable with someone who's comfortable like you're with them for them you've got that connection your shape isn't integral

to the chemistry do you think women are less shallow than men because I think so probably I think Natalie's less shallow than me for sure

yeah I've realised that now but still like I want to look good for her alright and that's nice and that's absolutely true and as well

I want to have like I want to have my confidence that comes with that for her and also my extreme stamina

my gas tank I mean bottomless gas tank and a fast horse for her altruism you're getting

like a sewing kit sewing kit sewing machine which is very slow put a thimble on instead of

a condo home is where the heart is stop saying that laugh laugh live so Stag do I had gone home had the dawning

realisation that I've got to book me transport book the fucking peasant wagon to Sheffield got to Sheffield. I got to Sheffield, did my first gig,

stayed at the house in Rotherham and then I had two more gigs, Friday and Saturday. And Jules had arranged to meet me for dinner and have a proper catch up to chat about my stag and have a pie. So we went to Pie Minister.

And the whole time you talked about how you're going to be taking it easy that weekend, how you've got to pick your battles. He was loving it. Because he was like, are we partying this weekend? Which is like fucking Jules is 40, right? Sometimes you've got to look at that weekend and just go, well, looks like I'm going to spend all my wages on getting drunk. But I was like, nah, I've got a wedding coming up.

I've just come off my stag. I'm knackered. And I spent the whole dinner with Jules telling him that I'm picking my battles. I'm not partying until the wedding. Well, maybe he's a bit at the fringe. And wait until I get me show written and shit like that. And then all of a sudden, fucking you and Matty walk in. Get in the car.

Get in the car. Get in the car. And I was like, I've got gigs. You're like, you haven't? And Jules is like, no, never had gigs. And he took us to a cabin in the woods which was fucking awesome

by the way three cabins and then it was your other your other half of friends it was all the I mean I don't want to call them reprobates

because I really feel it diminishes the reprobates that everyone who came on the first act do with because they were also all fucking reprobates but these are like your long term reprobates

the ones you've known for 15, 20 years there seems to be a theme with my mates I've just got a bunch of gammon rednecks that I hang around isn't there

just a bunch of fucking heathens I don't know how to party and then we did some good old fashioned fucking stag do shit we did one of those it wasn't go ape

but it was something of that elk yeah clip and claim up the tree clip and claim up the tree Clip and claim up the tree That was fucking great fun We played football golf Football golf

Two things That are probably Probably Probably muggly Fucking great fun though So good Probably Football golf

Is one of those things Where I'm just like I fucking wish I didn't love this so much And I also wish I was so much better at it Because I'm so competitive It was one of those things Where I'm like You know when you're shit at something i don't know if you

have this but as a hyper competitive person i used to be real bad with it i used to be the worst when it came to i'd fall out with people as a horrible fucking kid right and it was just when i got older it was a aspect of my personality i really had to work on i did not like actually work on it yeah but like deny feelings. Feel the emotion but don't express the emotion. It wasn't not repress the emotion but it was to whenever it came through

let it out in another way and it was something you taught me to do which is to just fucking laugh at it. If I'm shit at this thing the joke is that I'm shit at it. I don't like being shit at things, but I do like jokes. So now I can enjoy being shit at this thing because...

Yeah, so if you spoon it out on a game of football golf and it just fucking whizzes into the bushes, you're like, fucking, I'll beat that. And you'll just be there with bravado, you'll fucking keep up, boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Try and turn being shit into the competition yeah

like then someone takes a good shot you're like what was that I'll tell you how I know I'm too competitive sometimes is I get competitive

over the stupid things I've had relationships real nice relationships nice things where you know your partner on equal footing

yeah you know that non-competitive spot where you're on the same team yeah I love you I love you more what the fuck are you doing because I'm sick

you love me that ain't love yeah I love you I love you more what the fuck are you doing because I'm sick but you love me that ain't love yeah oh you love me do you oh I'll fucking show you love I'm outside your house what do you mean we're not together

but I love you more I love you fucking more and then obviously we drank we drank heinous amounts of Alchemahol my favourite right

was we were playing the drinking game what was it I chased the ace where whoever ends up with the ace has a shot right

and he's been dealing me in even though I wasn't there and every time he got the ace he was sticking on it so that you could have played

you were just choosing to talk to your dad I was having a good catch up I think I was chatting to Demas I was having a good old catch up

with my buddy and he just kept bringing his shots and he brought me my fucking six year guy on a row or something and I was like fuck Demas I was having a good old catch up with my buddy and he just kept bringing his shots and he brought us like my fucking six year guy in a row or something and I was like

fuck Demas I've got to go and play this game and just keep the wolf away from the gate and I started playing the game and fucking

we're just playing it normally and Scotty Scotty's getting fucked up unprofessional sorry so Scotty D

was fucked at this point he'd been doing shots and the drinking game and that and he was fucked and he did he go been doing shots and the drinking game and that and he was fucked and he

did he go to bed and then he would start chanting he's gone to bed he's gone to bed he's gone to Scott he's gone to bed

and he fucking deserted and then he'd come back out and Matty started teasing him about being a lightweight and going to bed this was like

fucking 45 minutes later or something and then Scotty was just like you right now shots one on one right now me and you fucking made being a lightweight in bed this is like fucking 45 minutes later or something and then Scott he was just like you right now shots one on one

right now me and you fucking made a massive scene of it a massive scene Matty's reluctantly drawn into it like he couldn't

not do the shots because he got called out because he got called out right so he's fucking pulling these shots out and Matty's just like what the fuck am I doing

and I was actually wading in with some of them I didn't go one for one with them but it was my competition I just kept joining in with the odd shot just to fuel it

they'd done a fair few and then Scotty'd just done the most rapid decline of any man I've ever seen he fucking slept stood up

he slept stood up I've never seen anything like it there's a video online on my Facebook page of him just like hands on the bench and head just swaying

and his head eventually like fucking comes doing it. What's funny about it, watching the video, we're all videoing him and watching him and he's like, he's an inch away from just slipping and bashing his head off the hard corner. And everyone is filming. Everyone's laughing. I guess this was a hen party.

They would be looking after that sweet little princess because because women are loving and getting people but as we're like animals right yeah so eventually i think it was me dad put him to bed and i went and checked on him he'd fucking spewed everywhere and we had to carry him out because he was in like this hot stuffy like cabin room and he's sick we had to like carry him out and put him on the deck I think somebody I put on I think it was Demas was sensible and washed all the

fucking duvets and everything meanwhile Scottie's in the recovery position well I actually put him in the recovery position and I kept checking

his breath it was the most like it was the most undignified decline because he pointed the finger and was like me and you

shots right now and like just fucking got everyone's attention he couldn't he could have fucking waited quietly

yeah it was Conor McGregor versus Floyd Mayweather he's like I'll step up to this game you've never done it before well he acted so confident this is what is

oh oh you guys showed up so he slept them so yeah it was it was a savage weekend and then um you didn't even plan my journey home so i'd booked that bus back and at the end everyone gets in their cars and they're on

their different ways and stuff and i was like oh how am i getting home you just went okay so uh i've feared now every time that I do a gig, I just have this fucking sinking feeling that it's not done. So that's what was beautiful about what you did, right? The best way to have a surprise stag do, because it was always going to be a surprise stag do because I didn't know when it was going to be, right? But I always knew it was coming.

But the only way to get us to fully drop my guard is to make us think it's over. And I just thought it was over. And I got back on with my life, moved to a farm, fully drop my guard is to make us think it's over yep and i just thought it was over and i got back on with my life moved to a farm started raising my kids lived off the fact of the land i just started living my life again without the reign of fear that i've had since fucking pre-april right and then and then when you did that it meant that now i still live in a bit of fear that is i'm going to do it again now i come in after my gig on friday a long ass travel day with fucking cancelled trains and everything i'd like been on the road from eight

in the morning till seven at night and then done my gig and then drove back from uh mickey had the car there so i drove the car back here and i'd literally been on the road from fucking like i said eight till this is about half eleven at night and I opened the door and there's you and Matty and Matty's got knee right being in fucking Edinburgh right now and I was like fuck off

it's not a kid it's the worst actually we did sesh oh we did we did sesh we got on it we got on it but it wasn't

stag per se but I have been living in that fear but on top of that I had a because this is this is where I was broken, right? Is, yes, I was fucked up

from two back-to-back stag parties, right? But it weakened my immune system. And I caught some shit that I thought was food poisoning at first because it had all the footprints of food poisoning. You know, running shit and spewing. You're putting one end or the other down the toilet. It's a bad day.

You're spinning around like a sprinkler system. Aye um i don't think it was because of food i think it was because of this you know i've got that bit in my routine about um this is how highbrow comedian i am the bit of my routine about when natalie goes to the bathroom after sex and leaves a little trail and this is like a wounded deer I was like you could track a like a wounded deer and I get down on my honkers and I sweep the floor and then I taste it as if I'm tracking a deer

and I'm actually just tasting spunk well I actually wipe my hand on the floor this is adjustable on Sunday night wipe my hand on the floor and lick my fingers

and ain't that the stage that all the comedians have been on for the fall festival with their shitty shoes and that I think I contracted something like maybe next time you do that you don't actually touch the floor like I don't think anyone in the audience comedians have been on for the fall festival with our shitty shoes and that. I think I contracted something.

Maybe next time you do that, you don't actually touch the floor. I don't think anyone in the audience is going to be like hey, I don't make a sense you didn't touch the floor. Nah, I'm a pro. I mean you're not a pro mime. Last time I swiped it with my middle finger and then my index finger. I'll go with that for stagecraft.

The audience will just be like people who go to magic shows being like he changed fingers he changed fingers you can see so this is what

I had to deal with I woke up right fucking contracted this bug and I'm like I'm already weakened from two stag dudes and I'm like

you know when you're spewing past spewing oh and it's just retching this is like 6.30 in the morning right and I'm like, like, turning inside out.

My fucking throat's hurting me. Ears are hurting. The veins pulsing up my head, right? And me mam starts shouting from the other room, what have you had to eat, like? What did you eat, Kai? Like, from the other room, as if in the middle of heaving.

I'm just getting out. Well, I got up and I... Mam, can you hear us? I got up and I had eggs benedict they fucking I just think mum I am busy

I've got things on so I was fucking dealing with that right and then she started giving it the old high and mighty she started giving it the high and mighty about her hygiene ways and how, oh, well, I don't use toilets on airplanes.

Me, you'll not see me touching the handrails on a train. I'm like, you'll never get on a train. You'll leave blind. Yeah, or licking the floor and then your fingers. And this is what she genuinely said to us. She's like, oh, when I go up an escalator, me, this is what I do when I go up an escalator, I put my hands in the air. Like it's a right.

So I don't have to touch the rails. And I'm trying to fucking not lose, I'm trying not to lose my sense of humour here, right? So I'm fucking lying there

like, just a child I need is just sympathy. I don't even need a fucking lecturer with me fucking ways, right? And she's like,

I just, I'm like, my, I'd rather get ill once every six months than live like that. It fucking seems exhausting. And then she was like,

that's how I never get ill. I never get ill because I always use hand sanitizer and she's like, high and mighty over it. And then, in the same breath,

competing with us about how ill she's been in the past, right? Oh, when I got ill with mumps and it was like, I was spewing everywhere, and I got into the hospital, and they said I nearly died, and all that.

And I'm lying there going, pick a fucking lane. You never get sick. Oh, you didn't get as sick as this. I didn't compete with it. And Lord Overus, I literally had fucking, I had to travel from 1.30, and the show must go on. I got on that train. I missed a connection. I literally had fucking, I had to travel from 1.30, I had to go like,

and the show must go on, I got on that train, I missed the connection, and I had to cancel the train, and I got to the gig, and I'd done the preview, because I fucking needed them, because you've had us out the country,

half of the thing, but for six hours of my life, I just had to contest with fucking Linda, just pouring this shit on us, when I was in the, honestly worst shape of my life. That was honestly the illest I've been ever. You are welcome. And Linda,

another thing is I was trying to drop hints for her to go to the shop to get us some Imodium because I was so dehydrated, I felt like I'd crawled through a desert. And this is because every drink that I had poured through us. And I'm not even joking.

I had a drink and you could feel it gurgling down. Then I'd run to the toilet so the water wasn't sticking. So I'm losing all my fucking vitamins and body salts and all the fucking important things you need. So I needed diurelates to rehydrate us. But I also needed ammonium to block us up to go through. and i'm dropping hints from your mom to get into the shop right but my mom's got this fucking severe social anxiety that she doesn't like to attribute to anything like if she's like doesn't want to come somewhere she'll never say it's a social anxiety she'll say it's like a migraine or somebody does get migraine so it is that but that's also brought on by the

anxiety but uh she doesn't like to use anxiety as an excuse for not doing something. And I know this for a fact, because a nanny mam, she wouldn't go to the shop because she would be anxious about walking there five minutes to the shop, bumping into people, having the interaction. She'd feel like she needed to do her hair and put on nice clothes just to go to the shop. She's not like me or you, where we could just fucking whilst doing

the road as we are now. She's got her own mental health shit going on that she doesn't like to talk about. So she's probably not fucking keen on me talking about it on the podcast, right? But she wouldn't go for the meds. But it wasn't that that was bothering us. It's that she wasn't attributing it to not wanting to go to the shop. She was telling us that like,

oh yeah, dad thinks with these things you've just got to ride it out. You've just got to ride it out you've just got to write it out right and I'm just like mum you're on all kinds of meds like I said

she has migraines you're on fucking all kinds of medication for your migraines and your headaches and stuff you've got blood

pressure tablets and all that why don't you just write them out imagine Kev said that during labour I've just got to

write this out it's like attributed not wanting to go out to the shops on fucking me just riding out this fucking seriously needed

medication illness that I had and I contested with it for fucking like I said which 70 was I got away

and bought my own shit I have a story that I've been reluctant to tell but it'll cheer you right up and it fits in with my first

muckle corner and you don't know this story but you were there for it I've been reluctant to tell, but I'll cheer you right up. And it fits in with my first Muggle Corner. And you don't know this story, but you were there for it. Okay. Right. So my first Muggle Corner, and I'm in the corner for this. And you may think it's unfair, but I'm nominating myself and taking everyone down with me. Muggles are gluten intolerant. This is you?

Yep. You know, we're getting on to Muggle Corner now. Is that your Muggle Corner? Yeah. And then with my story. Because I just want to bring this back full circle to what we were talking about at the beginning of the podcast. Miraculously, me and you have both got Edinburgh fringe shows in the

midst of having those two stag do's, in the midst of having a big bout of food poisoning. I'm genuinely happy with mine. I mean, I'm nervous about it, but not nervous is the wrong word, but just... Yeah, your subject matter's heavy. Aye. Like, mine's a palate cleanser this year.

I've just went in with fucking bits. Like, club set for an hour. Mine's is what it always is. It's 45 minutes of stand-up. And then it takes a dark turn. Yeah, and then 15 minutes of, look where we're going, cunts. Strap in.

Yeah, you take it down the whitewater, rabbits. So, I mean, we can... Oh, fuck it, let's plug our shows now. I'm on at the EICC Every day in Edinburgh At 7pm And the show is called X

Or Kiss It's not called that He's a big fan of the iPhone Alright It's called X Because it's my 10th show And I'm still Having a competition

With Nick Cody About who can name Their show The most arrogant thing X is quite arrogant The other two ones That I want to do Is

Daniel Sloss Sells outnesdays or daniel sloss because why take the risk well mine's pretty arrogant i'm calling team smug no i'm pretty arrogant so team smug my show which is an hour of stand-up and we'll be on at 7... 6.40. I should know this. All right. 6.45 at the Gilded Balloon. And that's on every day from Wednesday. Come to your shows. And I'll probably remember the end of this.

I'll also do a quick plug of a bunch of other Edinburgh shows that if you're in Edinburgh of people who've been on the podcast before and other shows that we recommend because chances are if you enjoy our sensory humour, which you do by listening to this podcast, you'll enjoy the things we enjoy. So, gluten intolerance. You got gluten intolerance? Did this happen after the stag?

No, it happened after Australia. So basically, I was obviously getting a bit, well not getting it, but just fucking doing what I do in Australia, which is all my mates are there, I'm going to fucking drink, it's a festival. I'm not a pussy comic, I'm going to fucking have fun. a festival like I'm not a pussy comic I'm going to fucking have fun

and I came back and my shits were real bad like not painful or anything but just like there was lots of like

mucus in them like you know mucus that comes out your nose like snot aye it was in my poo snot in your poo

aye and I was like well that's not the end that's meant to come out I mean it's better than the alternative so how do you

do they like do you Do they like Do they have an inspection plate Like what they have in Austria No no You can see your poos In the toilet Yeah I suppose Aye

If you choose to Aye Is there something that Made you want to look at it Aye The white bits in it Like the white mucus in it I was like

Ah because sometimes I've like Felt a Like felt like I'd felt a tear And I'll look to see If there's any blood I've ruptured it and sometimes it'll come through

like all mushy and I'm like well I just want to have a look out of morbid curiosity it felt like I was just you know I don't sit down

and wait but I stand up and wait and just a wee fucking you know lift the right leg get through the angles you have a glance

I have a glance and I was like why does it look like someone's come on my poo and I think the first three times the first three times I did it I was like why does it look like someone's cum on my poo and I think the first three times the first three times I did it

I was like oh I've clearly had a wank before this and just not flushed properly and that's just my cum on my poo because it wasn't my cum on my poo

so do you think that's what anal when people have anal that's what their first poo is like I reckon a lot of people that are doing a lot of anal sex

you know maybe don't know they're gluten intolerant because they're like because how do they tell how do they tell they just go wow he spunked a lot a lot so much so it was kind of like the way it spunks green for people that are gluten intolerant you'll understand this description when you look at your

poos and they've got mucus in them it's kind of like your poos were about to break up and spider man didn't like that idea so he decided to keep them together with his web it's just it's exactly what they look like so i was like well that's not right so I googled a bunch of shit and for the first time ever on Google I googled my symptoms and it didn't say cancer like it's the first time in the history of googling symptoms

the internet was like you're probably fine and I was like oh awesome so I left it so it said like bacterial infection I did I was just like

it was like bacterial infection I was like I can deal with a bacterial infection I'll just fucking get past it left for two months and it still was just like it was like bacterial infection i was like i can deal with a bacterial infection i'll just fucking get past it left for two months and it still was and the gene was harassing me she was like please go get checked like this is typical man thing of nah it's fine i don't feel like i'm dying therefore i'm not dying and just not getting things to take so i went in and uh the interaction with the the the uh doctor she was sort of saying she's like what are your symptoms uh i don't know if you've had this you suddenly realize that you don't know

the real words for things i now know thanks to what she said i've got mucus in my feces as opposed to what i went i went must not my shit's snotty she went what and i was My arse has been sneezing. I was like, there's boogies in my... Oh, boogies, isn't it? There's snot. There's sneeze. Grim. Grim. Take a cork roll.

Loogie. There's phlegm. We've got a loogie poogie. Loogie poogie. There's phlegm in me shizer. What's the... How is that? She went, mucus in your stool.

I went, that's the How's that And she went Mucus in your stool I went That's the one You poet What a fun mini game You wordsmith And she was like What are you worried about And I was like Anything fatal

She was like It's probably not going to be anything fatal So she took some blood tests She went It sounds like you're gluten intolerant You've got something That's It develops fucking later in life

Especially If you go through Periods of Eating lots of gluten things and then not. And that's what I've done for the past four years. Whenever I go through my health kicks, it's obviously cutting out carbs a lot. So it's just my body.

I've now damaged myself because by stopping eating carbs all the time, my body, whenever I force it afterwards, it's like... It's broken down the tolerance you had for gluten. Yeah, it's broken down the tolerance yeah it's for gluten yeah it's broken down the tolerance fucking flooded me a gluten hour here

you fucking hipster wank you fucking vegan this is mate this is why this is why I'm saying

I belong in the corner I'm allergic to I'm allergic to bread do you want to inhale her I can't I can't handle my bread you're like that kid at school

who's got everything my fucking my mum won't let me go to any of the fucking playgroups because I'm fucking allergic to I can't handle my bread. You're like that kid at school who's got everything. My mum won't let me go to any of the fucking playgroups because I'm fucking allergic to it. Is that soy milk? So I'm gluten intolerant. And one of the big signs, because I went three days eating gluten-free stuff and then my shits were normal.

I was like, oh, goddammit. But what I will say is this. It's such a low level of gluten intolerance if there's bread in front of me and I'm in the mood I'm having fucking bread because poos are not meant to be aesthetic

like who's I'm like oh I can't eat bread my shits look weird yeah who's eating your shits fucking get on with it then that's like my thing

I think I'm allergic to fucking cheese in some way right because I had this weird reaction where my fucking cheeks sweat when I eat cheese I don't know what this is I don't even want to see a doctor where my fucking cheeks sweat when i eat cheese i don't know what this is i don't even see a doctor i just know what happens when i eat cheese cheeks are

sweating do you think that's stopness oh no i think i'm dairy intolerant no i'm fucking no i tolerate it i'm the opposite of that i get through i tolerate dairy i'm still look there's fucking loads of pizza in my fridge i've got fucking loads of bastards downstairs i'm in the mood for it you know how when uh when we're at restaurants and stuff, and we're at cafes and we're having breakfast, and you're like, oh, can I cancel the eggs? And I'll be like, oh, no, I'll just have your eggs. Keep the eggs.

I'm just going to do that every time you order. Pizza. Can I have gluten-free, please? Can I have his gluten? Can you put his gluten in my pizza, please? Double gluten. I'm not a pussy. I can hand him my bread.

So what are the big signs? Better wait, you have bread. What are the big signs? This will wake you up, Red. What are the big signs? And this is the one that you don't know. So after I did Roast Battle two weeks ago, right, there was one point you and me, I went back to yours, I've seen it at yours and Natalie's, and I'd had a few drinks that night.

I'd had some cider, which has gluten in it. Does it? Yep. You have to get gluten free. Your favourite cider? Because you don't drink beer no oh no

it does it's all like fucking yeasty alright but there's there's gluten free ciders old moot

big shout out old what old moot old moot old moot cider it's my favourite cider anyway so it's what

of course it is I've always liked it so there's one point I went to the toilet for a pee and I was standing up

to pee and I farted while I was peeing because I trust my farts. You sneezed. I sneezed. Shat myself in Natalie's toilet, right? Like a full, just watery shit. In her flat. Aye, in your flat, right?

And I was like, I can't tell the guy about this at the moment because I feel weak and I'm not in a fucking proud moment. And I've given him so much shit. Did you say you were on the last week? Aye, right? So what I had to do. Did you say you were the last week? Aye, right. So what I had to do... So you're the shit-in-yourself guy now? Well, I mean, I'm not going to hold on to that record for very long. Enjoy the next three days.

The fringe is coming off. I'm 100% going to shit myself if we win. And aye, so I had to take my boxers off. And then I came through the room and realised that me, being the genius and seasoned traveller I am for a one day trip had packed two pairs of trousers and one pair of boxers

so I had no bockies so I had to take my boxers off run out the front door because I didn't want to stick them in the bin because I don't want to shit your stuff in your bin and just had to fold my shitty boxers off the side of Natalie's house. Did you fly tip them? and just had to fold my shitty boxes off the side of Natalie's house. Did you fly tip them?

Aye. What? Just flinged them right off the side. I was going to ask because there's a pair of French connection boxes that I've packed with my stuff that ain't mine. Are they yours?

No, no, that's not my shitty ones. I threw them. Fucking hell. Aye. Good, Natalie, I've got questions. Aye. So I threw it off there but then it was the struggle

for the rest of the fucking evening. As you've said, Natalie's house is very, very hot and as I've said I have to sleep in a fucking cold room and I always sleep in my boxers anyway

I'm not wearing boxers and I'm not wearing fucking these tight jeans and you're prone to shitting yourself just now aye so I had to fucking wrap myself in an extra wee

fucking sachet of her fucking thing you made a towel nappy no not a towel nappy but like a just when you come out of the shower

and you wrap it around your waist a sarong aye but then also just when you come out of the shower and you wrap it around your waist a sarong eye but then also I know I fidget when I sleep in the mornings Natalie and Kat

definitely come through to the kitchen which I sleep in and I've got no idea if my dick out was at those points because I can tell you where it wasn't

and that was in my boxers and that's because there was shit in my boxers Can you remember when I woke up in Ibiza in 2017 when I woke up legs akimbo naked? When I woke up, legs akimbo, naked, right?

Because I just fucking rolled over out of my sleep, slept with no on. And Barry was just stood at the door, looking at me go. And apparently, according to him, he had just popped his head in, asked if I wanted a cuppa. And then I woke up just as he popped his head in. That's what woke us up. But for me, it was just the weirdest thing. As I wake up oh good Barry

looking at it not speaking just looming over us and I just like sheepishly like grabbed the quilt and covered myself up like alright mate just enjoying the

view fucking perfect and right but there's someone at the door oh I saw there is pause it they didn't knock

or anything right I'll pause this unexpected 45 minute break for a gas van I know fucking awful what was that aye

just fucking I forgot he was coming but just to check the gas no warning or anything just come in dismantle your kitchen aye get gas lit

took an eye awful I can't even remember what we were up to gluten gluten I was just putting putting gluten intolerant

people in muggle corner even though it's something you've got no real control over but we're all muggles and do you know why we're muggles because if you go to fucking Tesco's or Sainsbury's there's a fucking aisle for us

so maybe I'm saying gluten intolerant people we don't go step in the what are those people like oh we're the worst you just sit there and it's like hey do you like crackers

you're like yeah but like how about the worst version of them and you're like hey do you like crackers you're like yeah like how about the worst version of them and you're like no hey you like bread i do which i bet it's a very middle class aisle as well oh well yeah this is that's the problem is the i think the reason i'm absolutely putting gluten intolerant people in the corner is uh because molly coddle themselves well no no because i think we're a lot like dyslexics, right? And the fact that dyslexia is a fucking real thing that's legitimate,

but a bunch of fucking idiots who can't spell are like, I'm dyslexic. No, you're not. You're a moron. And now dyslexia has lost a lot of its credibility because so many idiots think they're dyslexic when they're actually just actual fucking morons. Hashtag Elliot Steele.

So you think some people just fart a lot because of their diet? Yeah, absolutely. They're like, oh, I'm gluten intolerant. I'm gluten intolerant I've got a stomach I've got an upset tummy People Because I know Mine isn't too bad

As I've said I'm still going to Fucking eat bread If I want to eat bread But if I want to have Decent shits Maybe I'll fucking Rain it in a little bit

But there are some people Who will eat gluten You just know You're in for a mucus storm If you do it Let's plug Some other shows Of other people

Who we love Before we get Into your dad jokes. If you know the times off the top of your head. I don't know the times. I know Gareth Waugh. G-Tip. G-Tip is on at about three at the Gilda Balloon.

Tom Houghton is doing his... I think on about eight o'clock. Maybe it'll be eight o'clock. Milo McCabe, we're going to go see his show tonight. He's doing another preview. We're watching his 7.45 show, but is that what time he's on at the Fringe? It is. Look it up.

You've got Troy Hawke, which is the character of Milo McCabe, Tom Horton in Gareth Waugh. And also Ryan Cullen is doing his show Daddy Issues with all of his fucking Eugene stories in there. I can't wait to see that. We'd also recommend going to see Demi Lardner. She's been staying with me for the past couple of days and I just love her

and she's mental and her shows are always fucking chaotic and great so we're gonna we're gonna plug quite a few as we go we'll do

yeah yeah we'll keep it going and we'll keep it going so it's like we could rhyme off like a fucking dozen now and it would be too much but that's

we'll give you like weekly installments we'll drip feed you yeah those are your week one shows. That's your homework. Go see them, go enjoy them.

I've got a couple of Muggle Corners here. We're only going to do one at a day, right? Because we're now running late because of the gas man. So I've got two, right? One of them, you're passionate about both of them, but one of them puts you in Muggle Corner and the other one you will be kicking people. I think if I'm going to get passionate about it, I'd suggest we save both of them for the fucking next one i'd say just leave

it at one just now because this was a catch-up episode right go to your dad's stuff and then we can have an argument next okay so i'll do two in the next one all right we'll have an argument and we'll let yeah i mean i agree with you on okay let's just leave them. Hi. Your dad jokes? Hi. Your dad likes his farts to toast his marshmallows. I like that one. I can tell. Your dad has a panic button veneer on the escape key

of his office PC. Your dad uses his asshole as a vase. How does he like his marshmallows? He burns the flowers. Your dad doesn't like being hugged, and if anyone goes to give him a cuddle, he just awkwardly stands there and lets them do it.

Your dad can't moonwalk because the moon landings were fake. Your dad has a mistletoe belly button piercing. Your dad doesn't believe in silent K's Refuses to be subdued by their power So he says the silent K in everything Knife, knite, cannot Knife Like that Your dad thinks people with disabilities

Should just snap out of it Instead of being weird On the same note Your dad believes in NLP. That was one of my muggle corners. How was it? Muggles follow NLP. We'll talk about that tomorrow.

And the other one was Muggles Love Love Island. Oh, I absolutely do. You're a muggle. Let's put that on ice. Was it me? More your dad jokes. Your dad uses the ice cream van as a taxi to get to his

brother's house on the other side of the estate your dad wears runner's nipple tape while shagging your dad once put himself

your dad once put himself in while putting on a duvet cover but managed to get downstairs in it so that he

used the phone to call the fire brigade your dad puts a notch in his bed post every time he pisses the bed your dad was glad when it finally rained

because he's been worried sick about what the squirrels are drinking U-G-L-Y your daddy got no alibi he ugly

hey hey he ugly your dad still got a age is it a thousand your dad

ran a marathon to raise awareness for a marathon running your dad stands on the yellow pages

to tell your mom to fuck off your dad has made his own range of audio cassettes for zoos, museums and bus tours around London for people who like their education

with a little bit of racism. I'm done. You're done? I've got two more. Your dad fed a strawberry lace up his nose and pulled it through his mouth and when it came out

there was a ring tied to it and your mum said yes. The other one. Your dad used no more nails on his toenails hoping they'd fuck off. Save some bite in them. Well, we're back

and this might become bi-weekly again. Who knows? We'll try and make it regular. We didn't do it at all last French, did we? That was just sheer laziness. But here we are.

Aye. We'll give it a go. Love yous. Bye.