Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.48 Surprise Friends

Episode Date: August 14, 2018

While Kai is onstage drunk Sloss welcomes Nick Cody and Bart Freebairn onto the podcast as expectant father Nick deserts his pregnant wife to travel the entirity of the globe from Australia in a return bombshell for Sloss to repay him for the exceptional stag surprises.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

Hey, it's recording. Hello, it's Daniel Sloss. Welcome to another episode, fringe special of Muggins and Cream, Sloss and Humphries on the Road, where Kyle Humphries is not here. He's very, very hungover on stage at the Edinburgh Playhouse,

probably bombing because he went to bed at 7pm when that gig was at 12. I think he's fucked. But I have two very special guests. It's neck crusher coder Bart Freeburn. Yay! I think it's 7am he went to bed.

Yeah, 7am and the gig is out. Yeah, he was up by 12. It'd be great if that's why he was fucked. He went to bed at 7pm and then woke up at 3am and it's just fucked his sleep so I'm here. He's jet lagged like you two should be. Because let's point out the elephant in the room. Why are you here?

Ah, I did a little surprise. Yeah. A big surprise. Yeah. Yeah. Surprise you, Mr. Sloss. I'm about to have a baby. And when your wife was seven and a half months pregnant,

you were like, I'm going to fly to the literal farthest possible point away from this fucking scenario. She's like 32 weeks pregnant. And I thought, fuck, that means I've got only five years left of doing whatever the fuck I want. Let's start strong. It was so great, too. Yeah. I was not expecting it.

Kai surprised me. He was in on it. We're going to keep it to just Bart and I. Yeah. Kai surprised me. He was in on it. He was. We're going to keep it to just Bart and I. Yeah. You know, people fucking roll. People have to chat. Yeah.

They're fuckheads. Yeah. So it was going to be Bart and I, and then Bart asked, we told our manager Kat, and then I decided to call Kai just because obviously you'd fucked him up with two massive surprises. Yeah. Over the last couple of months. Yeah. One was his stag do and the second one with two massive surprises. Yeah. Over the last couple of months. One was his stack due and the second one was 9-11. He just hadn't heard of it.

He hadn't heard about it. I had to break the news to him. It was real. Hey, Kai, jet fuel melts steel. He was like, no, I don't believe it. So, yeah, we were going to try and have not a sensible fridge, but at least a semi-sensible start to the fridge. And then you turned up the day before and we were going to try and have not a sensible fridge, but at least a semi-sensible start to the fridge.

And then you turned up the day before and we were like, Well, some motherfuckers I've got no shows on. Let's get blind. Shill the kilogram of heroin. I wanted a really elaborate surprise. Nick's like, I just want to be there and surprise them. I'm like, get in a wedding dress. Get to the top of

Arthur's seat. We'll get us up there somehow. I have to keep explaining to Bart because people get so caught up in surprise. Like, her manager Kat was the same. But two years ago at the Fringe, you and my sister organised her flying over. Yeah. And she surprised me. Yeah.

And it was just you two sitting in a bar and I fucking lost my mind. Yeah. That's all you need. Yeah, you walked in and I was like, hey, Cody. And then your sister was like hey Cody you were like hey Sloss

hey my sister oh what yeah that was a genuine double take yeah I'm thinking like we're gonna pretend

to arrest Sloss you'll be dressed as a police officer and I'll play the bad cop yeah and when we've been in prison for three days you'll rip off the mask

but we do have to commit a crime to get into prison first we're gonna murder someone And when we've been in prison for three days, you'll rip off the mask. But we do have to commit a crime to get into prison first. We're going to murder someone. I mean, there's enough options now that the Edinburgh Festival has kicked off. It's your first time at the Edinburgh Festival. First time in Edinburgh. Yeah, how are you enjoying it? It's really, there's a lot of cobblestones.

There is. It's real fuck your ankles territory. Yeah, it's like, hey, how many old rocks can we get in a small area Oh should they all be the same level No no quite the opposite I want it to be like a mini mountain range I want to play Sudoku with my feet We could have filled it in with pavement A hundred years ago

We decided not to It just gets rid of the old The historical Back when people used to Break their fucking ankles all the time decided not to no it just gets rid of the old you know the historical homebrews back when people used to break their fucking ankles

all the time we were like keep it keep it Edinburgh yeah you want to keep the word hobble right up in the lexicon

it's because we have free healthcare here so we're just like yeah just fuck fuck who gives a shit I've got bitter ankles yeah you guys you really do use free healthcare for what it's for like in australia it's like people are eating

healthy and working out and the roads are flat yeah and here you're like fuck off man deep fry haggard it's free it's when you go to the doctor what are you doing heroin heroin heroin it's like whenever my american friends come over and they've no concept of free health care what i do is they're like what's it like and I just jump in the middle of traffic and I'm like and they're like no and I'm like no no it's all good and then the ambulance turns up and they're like you again and I'm like me again. Hey guys

can I get a lift home? And they're like oh okay this is the last time this week though Mr. Sloss. I worked at a summer camp in the States when I was 19 and the year after from that camp in American blood... How many times were you molested? Oh, heaps.

Those little kids with their little hands. They couldn't get anywhere. You can get more of those hands on a dick, you know what I mean? You know what? It fills me with confidence. Just imagine that when everyone puts their hands in at the beginning of a sporting match. But they're just all on your dick.

Leave me alone, guys. They're not going to sporting match. But they're just all on your dick. Leave me alone, guys. They're not going to believe me. One, two, three, molest. If enough kids get together and they all choose to use a camcorder, if six of them can get you down on the ground, pull your trousers down, and then one of them can take a photo,

and as long as none of them snitches you're in jail for a long time. And no one... Proper just pin you down. And no one will believe. Even in court when you're reading out your own statement, you're like I don't believe myself. I'm sorry

Mr. Goody, you're telling me. Two of them were behind you. One of them distracted you and then pushed you over. Where two more got down and just with croquet goals just pinned your arms and legs to the... I was jet-lagged. I'm the victim. The collective of a group of kids is a rapist. A rapist of kids.

Yeah. It's got to be more than six, though. I reckon I could beat up five kids. Oh rapist. A rapist of kids. A rapist. Yeah. It's got to be more than sex, though. I reckon I could beat up five kids. Oh, yeah. How many, I mean, I've spoken about this outland, how many kids do you reckon

it would be before you lost the fight? It's your conscience is the only thing stopping you. You don't reckon you'd gas? No. No, I think, like, I've heard numerous

there's a radio show in the states Ron and Fez Ron Bennington is fucking great and he said it was how many nine year olds

could you beat up and one of the points he made is like you could yell at the other kids as you're beating up their friends

and they wouldn't come at you which I think is a good way you're next you fat piece of shit and they're going to be like just upset, yeah you've got the psychological advantage of just

sheer intimidation, pick up one and break it over your leg and then go which one of you little faggots wants that and they'll just that's infinity you can have it now, anyone comes more than two metres close to me while I'm sleeping,

I'll get up, I'll kick you in the head, and you'll never be the same again. That was the opposite at the summer camp. That's what they said to me. They broke me over their lap. I reckon I could, because I do reckon cardio comes into it. Look, because you've got to deal with mob mentality. If there's that many kids.

So you're in a field where a lot can get to you? Look, okay, look, I'll be honest with you, right? We've drugged a lot of the kids.

We've drugged, we've drugged like the first three lines of kids. Okay. And then it's lower doses of the bag, just because... What have you got on you?

Just, just your, just the clothes on your back, your shoes, they can be still took out if you wish. You've got no weapons, but you've also... Get a dirt bike? I'm not.

Look, it's kind of like... Just doing donuts and the kids making snow angels in their bodies. Even if I had a balloon animal sword, I think I could scare them off with that. But they are between the ages of like six and ten. Even if I had a balloon animal sword, I think I could scare him off with that. But they are between the ages of like six and ten. Right. Oh, that's still good.

First thing I yell out, Santa's not real. Half of them will kill themselves. Yeah, half of them are just sad. But just a double whammy, you are also dressed as Santa. Yeah. And your sack is just filled with all the kids that you've successfully beaten to death. Which is a weapon itself. Yeah.

That's how you start using... I don't know. Some kids are, like, fucking dense. Yeah. That's the other thing, too. It's like, do I want to get the numbers high or do I want to... Yeah, less numbers that I've beaten,

but the level of beating is more significant. So you're going for highlight reel shots. You're not trying to get out. I'm not trying to Roman Empire this thing. I'm just trying to fucking mushroom cloud. You can minimise the damage. Make an example of one.

Who do you think is the strongest kid? Like in Troy. It's like suddenly you're strongest and then you just run out, chop him in the neck and stand there going is there no one else? I would say

look I'm only going to fight the strongest kid you guys need to battle royale amongst yourselves oh turn them amongst themselves I'll fight the last of you I'm going to say

I need to see the ten toughest kids and we'll join together and beat the fuck out of everyone what about if the kids like if they get ten of them they fight or at least the five strongest get together and then like super morph into like a power rangers and beat the fuck out of everyone what about the kids like if they get 10 of them that's five or the least of five strongest get together and then like super morph into like a power rangers yes so

they're like it's just like the biggest kids and he's got one kid on his own one kid on each arm yeah it's made it's like it's a transformer made of seven kids so it's your height but the arms are thick because the arms are full kids. Full kids. Yeah. But not like, maybe not, because I reckon like two-year-olds, they have the grip, but they still got that thick skull. They got a thick skull.

I think if they can morph into stuff, I'm in big trouble. But if we're still living in reality, I've got to. I mean, we're not living in reality in the fact that I'm not getting a hundred kids and dosing them with drugs yeah to fight you for science yeah i find them fair yeah they turn into more of a power ranger i get to turn into a tank then i'll be like my tank's got laser guns i'm a voltron well my laser guns kill voltron my lasers give AIDS. And then just halfway through the fight, one of the other kids turns up and is like,

Mum says you have to let me play. Oh, Tyler. I've got a gun that shoots in every direction so no one can sneak up on me. You're such a fucking cheater. I was on Den. I chopped off your arm. You can't use your arm.

I was looking for a Den in children. I'll figure this out. This'm just looking forward to having children. I'll figure this out. This is how you're training, actually. You're waiting for the moment. Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to put the game together. Because you've got a kid lined up. It's in the chamber.

Eight weeks. Yeah. End of September. And you're literally on the other side of the planet. How does your wife feel about all this? I'm pretty sure she raps. Yeah? I think that's what crying emojis are.

Yeah. For joy. Look, she spelled shuckers wrong. You've had some great name suggestions for Cody's unborn child. Oh, yeah. I'll go through them. I'll see if I can find them.

The other one we came up with the other day that you didn't seem as rapt on that, I enjoyed. So we went for Pin Cody. Pin Cody's great. And Morse Cody, which I think is great. Oh, yeah.

Here we go. Baby names. Fire Engine Cody. Oh, great. Madeline McCann, too. This time it's personal. Conor McGregor. Don't give it it's personal. Conor McGregor. Don't give it a second name.

Conor McGregor. Just take the full name. Just Conor McGregor. So good. Bro Cody. To Nick, to Cody. And if I get to his walk, Cody. If I get to his walk, Cody.

I sent some ages ago. But my latest suggestion is Bronco Cody. Bronco Cody's goodco cody's good but it's shortened to oh cody that's a apostrophe cody so it just looks like an irish yeah scottish surname it's like oh cody what's his first name it's like bronco like i i know that when you have your your kids like you know in all the fucking, like, the celebrity gossip magazines, where they're like, Beyonce and Jay-Z bought their kid a pram made out of diamonds. Like, I'm going to see those same type of purchases for your… Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, the Cribs and Octagon. Fuck, that'd be crazy. I know it. It's, of course, it is. Like a little Octagon. Like a little Octagon. Yeah, absolutely. You've got a

little fucking Herb Dean toy mate. It's just you and the kid in there. It's called a gollywog. Yeah. Those are legal over here? I don't know if they're illegal or are they illegal in... Australia?

Yeah, the gollywogs. Yeah, you guys are still pretty cool with a lot of racism yeah more than 200 years back still refer to people as them yeah it's not illegal in australia it's just it's frowned upon you know what i mean yeah i was the first time i went to australia because obviously what the term walk over here is very very racist because it comes from gollywog, which is obviously the fucking racist term. Whereas the first time I was in Australia, there was an article out for the comedy being like, wogs in comedy.

And I'm like, you cannot call them that. Wogs out of work. Yeah, you're like, what the fuck? Have I gone back to 1970 comedy in the UK? But no, wogs, a term for Italians. No, you went back to 1980 comedy in the UK? But no, Wog's a term for Italians and things? No, you went back to the 1980 comedy in Australia. Yeah, Italians, Greeks. Italians and Greeks.

Mainly. Where does it come from? Is it the etymology of that word? Something well-oriented. Yeah, Western Overlord Gentleman. Ah, okay, Western Overlord Gentleman, okay. The Wog Hey Yeah

So wog isn't as racist Over Man No I think it's a Name that the Yeah you say it Yeah If the word

If the word fucking Is in front of it But that's the same For any word You can just say that In front of a The name Fucking mum

Yeah Yeah you've still Where's dinner you wog Yeah Which They might be like It's coming up guess what it is lasagna oh just a lot of my mother still makes it which so we've had a few days uh hanging out and i'm gonna do something that um i always rip and rip on kai for doing on the podcast which is me and kai will have banter

and normal day conversation and it's funny because that's how banter works and then Kai will come on the podcast or just in general chat you know when you just do a little like in joke just to each other three people don't get it but you're like just for us and none of the three people ask what the joke was they just respectfully

know it's a joke they don't get Kai will then take it upon himself to give the full backstory of her entire friendship building up to making that joke right he's a historian yeah yeah it's literally he'll just do previously on our banter and it's like no no none of us none of us want to watch this what's this guy but i'm going to do that now because the the first night we came we were all pretty fucked up and we came up with our idea for oh yeah our new me and bart's new tv show where we play the ghost bullies are basically our theory is ghosts yeah a lot of

exorcists the only way they get people out the house yeah it goes out of house is they try to appease them yeah or try and like drive them out with god drive them out with god just other ways yeah they're nice to them please leave yeah they're nice to them. Ask them questions. Please leave. Yeah. Whereas you've got to remember that most ghosts are kids under the age of 60. And they're angry. And they're angry.

So we're the ghost bullies. Constantly stuck in puberty. Yeah. I think the basis was somehow a ghost was created from you calling them while they were living every day for a year and telling them to kill themselves yeah and then they do and then they're

haunting a house and I it's our job to come in and get them ghost bullies and we bully the ghosts out of the house so our first our first set up was just us with a Ouija board and it's obviously look we don't approve of the language used in it

but it works you've got to remember the language. Someone else was there who was saying. Fucking ghost. Yeah. You've got to say it. Yeah. So one of the ghosts is that we've got a Ouija board and a spirit medium. She's like, what do you want us to say to the ghost?

And we're like, just say faggots as well. And then the tumbler moves to W, then H, and then A. And then there's a pause. And then the table flips and the front door slams. We're like, ha, ha, ha, got him, you fucking nerd. Sucked in, you dumb bitch ghost. Or the other way, if we're just doing the parallel. Ghost bully is such a funny way of getting rid of the ball.

You come back every day with a video of you shitting on the ghost grave and you could just hear them crying in the other room they used to scream in the other room and it waked up the kids and it was terrifying but now you just hear them sobbing like like you watch the the the movie from the ring yeah she crawls out of the thing and you just like full on all fours presenting your asshole. She just crawls out straight into a human centipede situation. Look at you, well-dwelling slut. I watched the tape and seven days later, she crawls out of the well through the TV,

but I'm standing on top of the TV. I just piss on her. Wet bitch. I would punch her. You just put the TV face down over the toilet and she comes out and you just flush it straight away and be like, yeah, you fucking stupid bitch. It's going into a mulcher. Ghost bullies. Then you watch the tape again to see what comes out. You look rough.

That's why her hair's all wet. She just keeps getting her hair flushed out of the toilet. It's real bleak. Ghost bully. Ghost bully at work. Just you and me in the bed. Like that scene in Paranormal Activity. We put flour on the floor so you can see the footsteps.

So it's like a couple of steps come forward and then the bottom of our duvet paranormal activity yeah yeah no but that's the that's the one that fucked me up that was the one where i was like that's the one where i was like 16 i was like i watch horror movies i'll give it another go and i was like nope never again yeah because i've got a rule with ghosts is they're fucking not allowed to live I've got a rule with ghosts I've got a few hard rules I live by in my life with ghosts specifically I've got rules for everything I like to cover all my bases

Slosses ghost rules Ghosts aren't allowed to exist during the day Fuck off, that's people time You can exist during the night, that's fine I get the logic of that Paranormal activity, the ghosts are hanging around you during the day It's like time you can exist during the night that's fine i get the logic of that paranormal activity that goes for hanging around during the day and i'm like it's like when you watch zombie movies and you go oh running zombies i'll just kill myself yeah the second zombies can run i'm out i'll kill myself immediately zombies anymore but for the wrong way i'd kill i'd kill

myself because it like the the undead are fitter than me yeah it's shit you let yourself go you'd go get bitten by one so you could be fit yeah right i'm shredded all i want to eat is brains but i can run 40 k's without stopping also paleo brains are paleo primal okay guys a plan for the the second we realize um the second there's a zombie outbreak or at least when people are showing signs there's being zombies in the world the first thing the government has to do as a public service announcement is

everyone has to wear roller skates from then on because human beings can roller skate and zombies can't so if you get bitten it's fine so I'm either undead or gay I don't want to live here's the people just rolling off the top of buildings i'll set up a ramp guys come over

i kind of have in paranormal activity it was ghost during the day i can't it's not fair yeah like that's not your time I got stuff on I haven't seen it but that does seem pretty fast it's not during yeah it's just not okay like sharks on land yeah and

there's a yeah another time where I would just kill myself yeah sharks are even though we have an army and they don't that's still a scary enough concept for me yeah

but still the sharks that are on land only attack you if they think you look like a seal. Sharks wouldn't have an army. They'd have a finny. I had to try and take the heat off the rollerblower joke.

I'm throwing all sorts of pictures here. Oh, man. So, yeah, you lure the ghost into a bed. Yeah, well, we lure the ghost into the bed. yeah throwing all sorts of pictures here yeah oh man so yeah you lure the ghost into a bed yeah well we lure the ghost into the bed well because there's

that big part and it gets in and you don't see the ghost obviously because you can't see the ghost but you just see the shape of it

crawling under the duvet and then we wake up and pin down the sides and just fart and proper just Dutch oven it and just you can just see it flailing

about trying to move and like that's what you get for being a fucking poor guy that's a big ghost and then i was saying farts are just the ghosts of food to haunt the other ghost you've got your own ghost yeah you're fighting ghost with ghost yeah it's the ghost gun your butthole is a hell portal yeah yeah well the one danger is if you do fire the ghost might just see the opening literally yeah and just straight up there yeah but even then maybe that's i would reckon maybe you just shove the ghost up your own

asshole and then fart him out you're like people say have you got crones you know i've got i love just a fair shit and then some puns yeah Yeah. We cover it all, really, in this. The other thing that we did have was in The Exorcist. Oh, this is the bit where I know where we pitched it to the network. They would be like, absolutely cut that scene out. They're like, there's no way we're commissioning this. So we go in, and there's a 13-year-old girl

who's been possessed by the devil. And we walk in, and the priest is there. He's thrown holy water. He's got the Bible. She doesn't give a shit. She's by the devil. And we walk in and the priest is there. He's thrown holy water. He's got the Bible. She doesn't give a shit. She's on the ceiling. She's calling him all the names under the sun. She's puking on him.

He's like, there's nothing that can be done. And we walk in and we just start rimming her. And even Satan's like, oh, Jesus. Like, this is too much for me. 72 hours worth. You're in there. Just 72 hours worth so you're in there just 72 hours

and Satan's like I'm out this is I cannot be a part of this and Satan's been out for like a day but he's still at it just making sure

he's never coming back yeah outside the room they just hear it's like oh she's speaking in tongues no no he's speaking

you can be like I need some mouthwash ghost bullies that's good if there's any um if there's any network executives listening hollywood producers yeah you know chuck a commissioner away we're willing to cut out the thing yeah i mean we've got the elevator pitch yeah yeah that's the thing whenever you're pitching stuff always put in an idea that you know they're going to throw out because that way they feel like they did their job. So that's the scene where we wrote in,

where we're like, this is just for you to cut out because then we can get away with the faggot says what Tumblr scene. I think if you're a bully, bullies by death, they would say faggot. Of course they would. Because they're bullies. And also to the kids as well, they'll still take that as an insult.

We don't condone the use of that language. Just sadly, it does work. Yeah. We are just merely adopting the mindset. Of the bully. And the stuff that we know will work on these. Because what is a ghost if not a bully itself just bullying innocent people out of their home oh i used to live here 400 years ago domestic

violence victims yeah yeah but not us yeah but you don't get to haunt me just because your dad was shit yeah like that's not it's like oh this this you know these kids were murdered by their fucking dad so they haunt this place it's like yeah but i i pay were murdered by their fucking dad, so they're haunting this place. He's like, yeah, but I pay the bills. I look after my kids. Yeah, go somewhere where... Go to heaven or hell where ghosts belong. Yeah, just go... Why aren't you haunting another shit dad?

You're like a shark on land. Yeah, you terrify me. On wheels? Yeah, just to get the speed again? Yeah. Yeah. It's better than a land shark. The closest thing to a land shark is a bear.

Yeah. Really? Really, yeah. You're like a big predator that can get you. Yeah, bears are... Because there's a bunch of bears, and Canadians will always be like, oh, there's some bears that'll just leave you alone.

And I'm like, I don't believe that at all. They're like a fruit. Yeah, I don't believe... It's the worst one to get wrong. It's like the black bear you're meant to get really big and try and scare it off, and the brown bear, you chill out and it doesn't want to fight you. You lie down? Do you have to lie down?

Yeah. Yeah, you play dead for the brown bear and it doesn't want to fight, but the black bear, the smaller one, you've got to stand up to it. If you can't tell the difference between black and brown, you should probably be killed. Yeah, that's fair. Like, if you're colourblind, fucking bears are your natural predator. If you can't tell the difference between black and brown, you should probably be killed. Yeah, that's fair. Like, if you're colourblind, if you're colourblind,

fucking bears are your natural predator. Yeah, that's... They really, really are. Because you're like, that looks like a bear. I'm not going to run away. It's hard to tell what shade it is at this point. I'll be honest with you, it could be a panda at this point.

Yeah. You're just like, what was I meant to do? Try finger it? All right, let's give it a go. Is that a redback spider or a rainbow striped spider give it a kiss you can always tell by the flavor shall we go on to our um the moogly corners do you have i think it's been a it's long overdue for an explanation of what a muggle is. Bart, would you like to explain to any listeners what your take on what a muggle is?

Someone who doesn't do magic. And spot on. But in everyday life as well. Well, the same. Some people are magical. So, okay, so people who are, I think another term would be basic bitches. Yeah.

But as you always say, Sloss always says, we're all guilty of mugglery. Of course we are. So people who are, I think another term would be basic bitches. Yeah. Right? Yeah. But as people always say, we're all guilty of this. Oh, muggle rape. Of course we are. Nobody, everyone's got about 30% of muggle rape. Some of them have got 70%. Oh, higher. It's the lowest hanging social ideology fruit.

Yeah. That's all you're picking and that's all you're living for. Yeah. You never go up a rung. You just take what's given to you. You're the background character in a fucking GTA game most of the time. Which is just trouble. But yeah, that's it.

Just lowest common denominator. Yeah. My one is a fringe-related one. So this is muggle comedians during the fringe saying, it's a marathon, not a sprint. Oh, fuck. And what this is, is comedians who work one hour a day for 25 days in a row.

One hour a day with a day off. And they have the audacity to say to flyers, bar staff, producers, and their agents, by like tweets, they're like, oh, I'm exhausted. You work an hour a day. There are people that haven't done other things. Yeah. I don't think, you know.

Weak. Weak-willed. Just absolute, like, if it's a marathon or a sprint, it's like, all right, I'll see you at the finish line after I fucking sprint there. Because it's not 26 miles.

No. Like, it's a, you're going, it's a marathon or a sprint, it's a month of hour-long shows. Yeah. Oh, but I'm doing lots of other spots. Oh, are you?

Are there 10-minute spots? If you were to go to any person who's not a comedian and go, hey, for an hour a day, for an hour a day, you'd just do your job. But emotionally, it's a real rollercoaster.

It can really wear you out. Yeah, if you're shit. It can really be tough. I just... I don't... Yeah. I'm with that. That marathon, not a sprint,

can be applied to bigger things as well. It can be applied to marathons. Like, it really applies to marathons. That's where that actually fits in the most. I've never finished one. I come out of the gates fucking hard. Yeah, you're the only one in the full leg fucking sprinter stance just before

gun goes off same ball two middle fingers up yeah 100 metres quicker than anyone else and pass out have you done

you're quite a healthy man I imagine you've actually done marathons no I never do long distance running or much running no

I'm all about doing them gym stuff just picking up heavy things and putting them somewhere lift this above your head

make it heavier so I used to run heaps yeah right after school around high school time just after

it's fun run as high you get run as high I can't turn my brain off that's why Kai's good at running is because he can just turn his brain off and then just run for edges.

Turn it off or? Yeah, or just fully. He could just put, basically whenever Kai runs, what he can do is he can get that old fucking Windows 998 screensaver where it just bounces around and he's waiting for it to go in the corner.

Yeah, he says that. At some point during the run he'll go, corner! He cheers in the middle of the street did you break your personal best nah landed in the corner put a ministry jacket it's running on windows whereas every time i run my brain just goes you know you could not do this and i'm like that's a fucking real good point yeah and you'll be fine yeah like you'll live yeah unless that maybe there's a fucking real good point yeah and you'll be fine yeah like you'll live yeah unless that maybe there's a small advantage if there is a zombie apocalypse that's why i would never be a runner zombie even if i was bitten by a runner zombie my runner zombie would be running for a bit and there's even even though you're a mindless zombie you still there's enough of me in there

that just goes you know you could just walk so you're i think that there's a lot of people that are out of shape kind of bit overweight they're really just doing the world a favor yeah they're ready for the zombie america is the i it's not a great place to live but it's a real good place to live during the zombie apocalypse just because there's so many there's guns everywhere there's guns absolutely everywhere there's ridiculously large fucking buildings for no reason and also the fucking you know the ones that are going to turn into zombies originally are not

like peak performance athletes no like it's never it's always going to be the slow the elderly some of the fucking kids like you know kid zombies that would actually baby zombies how many kid zombies

could you find I mean I mean I would if I'm fighting a bunch of kid zombies obviously the first thing you do is you get

motorcycle gear right just because it's fucking thick they're not they're not biting through that at all get yourself some thick gloves

motorcycle helmet second thing you get an erection and just spin around third thing you get An erection And just spin around Third thing you get A criminal conviction Yeah But they're zombies

Yeah so I'm putting you down For pedophilia And necrophilia Why is the police still here? It's a zombie apocalypse Don't put me in jail This is the worst way To be dealing with this

This baby zombie attacked me it's not a zombie it's just one it can't talk I was going it was dribbling I tried to bite

my wife on the titty that's why I had to kill her busted out of her vag tried to bite her nipple I had to kill them both patient zero

I didn't mean it not again motherfucker for me once do you know how many zombie apocalypses I've stopped I have 5 ex-wives they're all dead God rest his

they were fucking crazy too, screaming zombie coming out of them stop buying her clothes God rest his... They were fucking crazy too. Screamin'. Zombie comin' out of them. Stop buyin' her clothes. Don't name it, you'll get attached. It's coming out, it's crowning. You've just got a cage.

Into the cage. She's pushing her. She's there with a croquet mullet. The second croquet reference on this podcast. I don't know why it's on my mind. Just straight back in. There's a pool cue. It comes back out. You put it back in.

Not today, zombie baby. Not today. Are you going to be there for the birth of your zombie child? Fuck, that's the game plan. Yeah. Connor McGregor. If that baby's seven days late

yeah rude yeah very rude yeah he's just sitting there with an iPad no that's what

I I wish I was the I wish I just got to pop out October 6th you know because this yeah this fight

is going to be so much exciting we were just saying before it's so exciting when a Conor McGregor fight is coming up. Bart, you called it, what was it? Fight Christmas. It's Fight Christmas.

He's counting down. Yeah. 60 dice to go. Conor McGregor's putting notes. And there's the point where the decorations are going up. The Conor McGregor songs are playing in all the supermarkets. There are people that are already being like, I've actually done all my Conor McGregor shopping already.

I've got it out of the way. I've booked the thing. And there's a bunch are really being like i've actually done all my condom reggae shopping already i've got out of the way i've booked the thing and there's a bunch of dads being like no i'll just book the flight the night before i'll just get her like a petrol station or something you know she likes chocolate she's even got a baboon in the backyard eating someone's heart it's gonna be great yeah it's gonna be real good I'm looking forward to it so I go home Bart and I fly back tomorrow yeah

and then I've got some shows in Australia next week and then I'm home like I'm home for six weeks before the baby's born I'm not going anywhere

yeah that's good that's fucking awesome and for those six weeks she'll be a real real good husband but right now you're a right now you're a real good you're a real good husband, but right now you're a fucking... Right now you're

a real good friend, but a real good friend. There's only one pregnant wife. Yes, and that should be your priority. Nah, but my mates are drinking on the other side of the planet. Is it cheap to get there? Not even remotely. It was pretty cheap.

Yeah, we got the last minute. Nick is next level autism flight i've got flight autism just like booked amazing flight if you need a trip somewhere hit me up yeah i'm i'm so excited to sit there for two hours if your wife's eight months pregnant and she's just getting a little bit naggy you know like they do towards the end yeah i went literally as far as i could away yeah from my pregnant wife. Her sister's back home. Her best friend just flew in from the States. Her best friend is due a week before us.

So there's about five mates of ours that are all having kids within a month, which is fucking great. But now Looch gets to hang out with her best mate. They're doing baby things and whatever. You're going to start a baby fight club. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Pub crawl. to start a baby fight club. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Pub crawl.

That's what I'm looking forward to. That was when I worked at a pub in Melbourne. Every Sunday, a group of dads would bring the babies in. It was called pub crawl. That's great.

And they'd just drink and watch footy and have the babies down near their feet. Yes. Absolutely fine. Let's go back to the Michael Korn.

I'm assuming... I got one. Yeah. Go, Bart. Say it. I know. Believe it yourself. Boot camps. Boot camps? I'm assuming. I got one. Yeah. Go, Bart, say it. I know. Believe in yourself. Boot camps.

Boot camps? I'm in a boot camp. Like fitness boot camps? Fitness boot camps. We walked past one today in the meadows. Yeah. Oh, like the ones where it's out in the... Six weeks, get up at 6am, do boot camp.

Have your chia seeds, bring them in. They're very nourishing and filling. Body transformation boot camp. The guy today bring them in they're very nourishing and filling body transformation boot camp the guy today had actual military pants on like camouflage military pants

military boots and he kept telling these people like if you don't do the exercise properly we don't stop just a heap of mums and dads

just trying to but also people being like you have literally no way of enforcing that rule you're an insane person like if I want to leave.

They're paying him. Yeah. None of you leave until I say it. Or I could just, you know, be an adult and leave. Like, ultimately, all my decisions are mine. It's like all the cunts here that have gone to that fucking clown school, that Gourlier clown school. It's like, you imagine paying money for a French person to yell at you,

and then you get upset. Get fucked. Full psychological warfare. Is it? money for a french person to yell at you and then you get upset yeah get fucked full psychological warfare is this or is it a fucking french clown yeah it's real it's real i would like because but people i know i've got to go there they're like it's real grueling like they get in your head i'm like well they get in your head yeah sucker of blue suck my dick yeah the reason they go in your head is because for some reason on some level you respect clowns so so when a clown's

yelling at you you're like oh no this person I respect whereas if a clown's yelling at me I'm laughing my ass off and fucking

just staying away from his flower I'm like what's the worst that's going to happen it's a sequel to it he starts up a school yeah

you're scared of their clowns I'm not scared of their soldiers you've seen their world war records the worst that's going to happen. It's a sequel to It. He starts up a school. You're scared of their clowns. I'm not scared of their soldiers. You've seen their World War records? It's fucking rolled every time. An old clown's going to scare me. Make me a nice fucking croissant motherfucker. Have you never done a boot camp?

No. Would you do one? No. No? I mean mean you probably could thing is you could we all could yeah like i could do but i would be one of the ones that just didn't do it along i would just be like okay do 50 press-ups why aren't you doing them because i fucking run the class that's why eating a donut yeah i love the idea of and i need to be a bit fitter to really get away with it, but just eating donuts and pizza

and then just being as fit as everyone else. Yeah, just being that one that everyone fucking hates. Yeah. How do you do it? I work out more than you do. No, Longley. Dave Longley. Yeah.

Yeah, it's shit. But you just lift so much weights that it doesn't matter. Because Longley's thing is that his stance and his stance is about which is you can eat as much calories as you want as long as you burn off those fucking calories that's it yeah it's it's just math science so he'll just sit there and just go i'm gonna have 3 000 calories a day and then i'm gonna work off three and a half thousand calories exactly that's yeah whereas i'm the opposite i'm'm like, I'm going to eat 4,000 calories a day, shit myself.

I know I ate too many calories. Just that, like, come into a park you've never exercised before, have someone who kind of knows what they're doing yell at you to exercise while everybody watches you. And also, it's a fucking, it's a city park, mate. Some of us are trying to chill out. Not hearing someone on a megaphone going, lunch,

deeper, ten, nine, eight. You're done when I say you're done. No. Yeah. And you literally have no jurisdiction.

One more round. Nah, I'm not in the mood. Yeah, not for me. Well, you're out of the class. No, I mean, I'll also in the mood. Yeah, not for me. Well, you're out of the class. No, I mean, I'll also just stand here. Yeah. Because also, like, I would just go like, it's 20 quid. And I'm like, no, it's not.

Like, you're doing it outside. Like, if you want me to pay you, do it in a room where I can't watch. If you're doing it in public, I can join in, and there's nothing you can do to stop me. It's very true. Just go and join in. You want me to run again? No, I fucking don't. This is outside.

This is everyone. 300 metres wide with binoculars. Just your eyes and doing this. You've got one of those night vision goggles. I'm getting so ripped. It's daytime. Shut up. We should definitely do that

we should do that today just be just just join in that's everyone's shout just go join in a boot camp and just see what they do

because legally there's nothing they can do there's no crimes for fucking anything yeah like it's he'll be like

fuck off you're like make me you fit piece of shit you can beat me in a fight I'll leave just wrestling

for 20 minutes in front of all the clients if I beat you I get your class and you just go you just go around the meadows

just beating up every boot camp and just amassing yourself a tiny little army you've got 8000 middle aged yeah

I won you you're mine join the group lunge everyone lunge um I got into a fight at the dog school

dog obedience school did you yeah I turned up with a dog she's one of them one of them took your toy

Looch walks in she's you you don't know how to play playstation cunt. I kicked the door. Give me that controller back. You've just got a rope in your mouth and another dog's got a rope.

You're like, but Looch, I bought this from home. Just leave it. Neck. It's my rope. That's my jerking off around me neck one. Sex noose. That's what it's called. It's not a tube rope.

It's my sex noose. Snooze. It it's not a tube ride it's a sex noose it's covered in saliva I DREBBLE I turned up five minutes late and the the fucking

trainer there goes oh well you're late and I go yep and he goes what do you have to say

for yourself and I'm like nothing I'm not a student here that was the one running around in the backyard that's why we're late

that's why I brought her here she's not obedient for all you cunts that turned up on time how much training does your dog need

like I'm a priority this cunt took ages to get here she takes a lot to get ready Turned up on time. How much training does your dog need? Like, I'm a priority. This cunt took ages to get here. She takes a lot to get ready. She's got to look nice. She's doing her hair. She takes a lot. I know, but we're late. To be fair, I left the class 10 minutes in because I did really disrupt.

So I turn up five minutes late. Then my dog, my little dog, Yumi, little Staffy, goes near a Rottweiler. This little woman had a fucking Rottweiler. Yumi starts sniffing it and rolls over. And the Rottweiler just pulls the lady down onto the ground. Just too big. And I said, you shouldn't have that dog. You fucked up there.

The doorbell rang. And so Kai's now going to have to do Some editing So how long did you last With the dog? Ten minutes So the lady with the Rottweiler Got pulled onto the ground And then the guy yelled at me

Because my dog went over To sniff the Rottweiler Yeah And I said That's not my dog That's not my fault Yeah Dogs sniff dogs

That woman shouldn't Have that dog Yeah Because if your dog Can pull you down You shouldn't have that dog Yeah Some people at the your dog can pull you down, you shouldn't have that dog. Yeah. Some people at the airport,

they can't put their overhead luggage in the compartment. You shouldn't have brought it. I rarely leave the house with things I can't lift. Where have you been? I tried to take my anvil to the park. Why? That weighs 7,000 pounds. But I want it

Have you got some wheels on it? No No wheels, only lifting I was like whenever you see the small Shitty dogs, I mean Kai's Obviously favourite song to sing is always Whenever we see a guy with a little dog We'll sing it quite loudly in public

Which is your girlfriend, your girlfriend, your girlfriend picked your dog. And you can just see them hearing it, and some of them have a good sense of humour about it, because they're like, yeah, she did. And then others are like,

I mean, she did. I did that for men pushing prams. Your girlfriend, your girlfriend, made you have that kid. And then I cry because I'm also pushing a pram for the same reason. You can't have that kid because you can't push it. That's why people don't have big kids. You can't own what you can't lift.

That's the rules for life. If you can't lift it, it's not yours. I don't know why people own houses. I do feel like my wife at the minute is in the middle of a nine-month boot camp and just the kettlebell vest that she's wearing is just getting heavier and heavier as the days go on. Just like Lurch is eight months pregnant and her belly gets so much. She's like, God, I've carried around a lot of weight.

And you're just like, yeah, now you know how I feel. Yes. Six years I've been carrying this beer belly. She did say at one point for three months she woke up every day feeling hungover and she hadn't had a drink.

Yeah. Fuck, that sucks. Not fair. So yeah, just with none of the fucking reward. Now she knows what it's like. Now she finally knows what it's like to be a comedian

during the French. Oh, I'm hungover again. reward. Now she knows what it's like. Now she finally knows what it's like to be a comedian during the French. Oh, I'm hungover again. It's a marathon. That is great. That's what you get for trying to sprint a marathon. What is your... On the topic of babies, it is muggles give hack baby advice. It's like muggles are the ones that are like you're about to have a kid yeah

Better get some sleep No No shit cunt you need that regardless I fucking hate like I get it It's not going to sleep regular hours I understand Because first of all babies don't understand The concept of time yet

Like no They've got to feed every four hours. They're trying to raise a goddamn weapon over here. They're bodybuilders. For the first nine months they're essentially just a glorified Tamagotchi.

It's just feed it, clean it and don't have sex with it. Shit, eat, sleep, repeat. Yeah. Yeah. It's been touched on by so many comedians and don't have sex with it. Shit, eat, sleep, repeat. Yeah. That's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, like, as a... I mean, it's been touched on by so many comedians. Like, you know,

we've been training all of our lives to be parents. It's like, are you prepared to stay up till 6am and only get two hours sleep? Yeah. Yeah, that's Edinburgh. Do you think... Will I be sad when I wake up or will my new favourite person

on earth be there oh yeah they'll be there yeah no I'll be grand do I have to go anywhere no you get to stay at home woo

woo and new parents they get like you know tips advice from the government and also a kilogram of

pure cocaine yeah that's the Irish program just been like look we'll get you on the same level

good luck here you go you've got a year to get through this like look we'll get you on the same level good luck here you go you've got a year to get through this afterwards then we have to refill out the forms yeah I misread

the directions my kid's walking it's two weeks old oh god what have I done it's like when you put something in the oven

or in the microwave and you have to go back into the bin because you didn't read how long I was in there for two weeks in it's walking you're like I've got to go back to the hospital because you didn't read how long I was in there for. Two weeks in, it's walking. You're like, I've got to go back to the hospital. They're saying...

What was your son's first words? Cocaine! His first words were, you want to watch his YouTube video. I've got an idea for a business. Oh, Dad, rack him up. I'm ready. Do me a big one. You're just a baby.

Shut up. Mum's out. Now, I have been one you're just a baby shut up mom's out now i have been saying he sometimes is the baby sometimes she i don't want to give away the gender but it would be all right in china so your baby's gonna be a factory it's an iphone iPhone X I don't I've never obviously had any fucking baby advice but you know what I mean like

yeah you've got a lot of mates that have had babies yeah you don't say you need to get sleep my advice is always like don't

just don't let it die yeah and people go things are gonna change yeah yes I'm aware yeah

you fucking muggle you had that thing a little while ago i remember you telling me about it where people like oh it's gonna be so hard they just start whinging at you about how much they had an issue yeah it's gonna be so i also find it it's like no offense a lot of these people people that i know that have said this shit not exactly people that have chased their own dreams or do what they want to do for a job you know they've never struggled anyway or they've never pushed themselves or they've never taken a risk or they've never yeah nothing's been hard they just yeah so this is whatever sounds like it's different you're like oh no cunt what different is it's all the time

yeah you got you've not learned to yeah because yeah because you you know the sort of job where you're working every day you've had i work five work five days a week, I work nine to five. A baby will come in and absolutely fuck up that schedule because one of you needs to be, as a comedian. I'm like, I've got a bunch of coin put aside

and I don't have to go anywhere. This is going to be fucking bananas. And when I do need to work, it's for an hour at night. Yeah. And that's when, you know. It's a marathon.

Not as great. Maximum hour, maybe 70 minutes. Yeah. If you're Daniel Sloss. Yeah. Talky boy. No, I've got a lot to say. Maximum hour. Maybe 70 minutes. Yeah. If you're Daniel Sloss. Yeah. Talky boy. No, I've got a lot to say.

Yeah. Yes. I just have a lot of explaining my own jokes. Like, they don't laugh at it. And I'm just like, no, okay, guys. The reason that was actually funny. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no.

I bring up my flip chart. Yeah. I'm like, comedy started in 27 BC. Yeah. When Jesus said, you're a mum to Judas. BC stands for before comedy. AD's after my death. By the way, how quickly after this baby's born

will I come back on and go, fuck those muggles were right, I'm so tired. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For all the parents at home smugly listening to Cody just being dead cocky, we'll make sure we get him on the podcast as soon as possible afterwards to just be like, I made a mistake. It is difficult.

The only way to get around it is if you don't sleep from now till the baby's born, and then the three hours a night you get are going to be just so good. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Just let full of leather make you... Sesh, sesh, sesh, sesh. Just, yeah. Hey, what do you have to plug

oh surprise I've got shows next week my last shows for a while because there's a fucking baby coming August Wednesday August 8th I'm in Hobart

Thursday August 9th I'm doing two shows in Brisbane Friday August 8th I'm in Hobart Thursday August 9th I'm doing two shows in Brisbane Friday August 10th a show in Adelaide and then August the 11th is the world premiere of The Merger the film I'm in it's premiering at the Melbourne International Film Festival and in your movie

what kind of how do you stretch your acting capabilities? I'm assuming you play a sort of trans character or maybe you play a man struggling with his sexuality or like a ballerina. How are you stretching your acting capabilities in this movie? What do you play? A fucking country footballer.

Who weirdly has my voice. And looks like me and also most of my opinions. It's good, man. Be yourself. Yeah. That's my favourite. Which is the opposite of acting advice.

Yeah. That's not what it is. Be the character. Wrong character. I am the character. Just be yourself. Mum, I don't think you know what acting is. My wife, Luuchia she was very

wrapped because she's a like classically trained actor and she's acted in many things over the years but uh beaten to a feature film role by her husband who has never acted and it's called drama kids nerds at school and played footy instead and then footy got him a role in a feature film about footy sport movie barrett do you have anything to plug oh yeah so i'm doing a sydney fringe doing a show called believe in yourself okay i'm ready for that and uh that's in september sept September 18th to 23rd. Nice. And then a little podcast, Finty Grimples.

And I'm on every day at the Fringe, 7 p.m. at the EICC. Kai's on at 6.45 at Gilded Balloon. Gareth was on at 3 p.m. at Gilded Balloon. Tom Houghton is on at 8 somewhere. Malibu Cabe's on at 7 somewhere. Ryan Cullen's on at 5 somewhere. Demi Lardner's on at 8, 10 somewhere

Rhys Nicholson's on at 9 somewhere just go see a bunch of shows you know all the good ones alright Nick your dad is doing a one man show about Diana where he plays the car at the Three Sisters every day at 2pm

pay what you want. Oh, fuck, that's good. Oh, dear. Sloss, your dad's shits are sponsored by Red Bull. Okay. Nick, your dad thinks his own cum is a condiment. Because he finds them in condoms. Condiment.

Condiment. Bart, your dad runs a bath to practice skimming stones. Going for the world record. One again. Bart, your dad pays extra And pre-books the middle seat On a plane Sloss Your dad has a pickle rick

Tramp stamp And it says I'm a pickle that dick It just says Pickle rick Nick Your dad's ass is grass And I'm gonna to smoke it.

Sloss, your dad wants to be a personal trainer. Nick, your dad owns a one-piece suit. It's a polka dot vest. Bart, your dad checks the tread depth of a car tire with his dick he just puts it he puts it on the driveway gets your mumps to reverse and if it hurts they need changed and if not it's fine we can go we can go another winter he's a formula one racer but your dad asked santa for his own podcast nick your dad is so bad at cooking his best recipe is putting parsley on his own turds he doesn't like salt, mate. He just proper sprinkles.

Cody, your dad got a teardrop tattoo while in prison because he cried a lot. Daniel. Sloss, your dad vacuums farts Out of his own asshole Because he's a gentleman I would never do it In front of a lady Sloss

Your dad told me Not to surprise you Bart Your dad is banned from the zoo for being homophobic towards the flamingos. Nick, your dad owns every Blu-ray of Mr. Bean. And not like every different show, every one that's ever been made.

He's got a warehouse. And he tells everybody. Cody, your dad works at Blockbusters. Okay. Sloss, your dad refers to getting online as sucking the Wi-Fi's cock. Bart, your dad has a thousand different racial slurs for Eskimos.

I've got one. Here it is. Hold on. Sloss, your dad thinks Big Dick Energy is going to take over solar as the new best source of renewables. Keeps pitching it to my mum. Pitching, literally. Right up her pussy. Nick, your dad

picks his teenage girlfriend up from school in a Vauxhall Astra with tinted windows alright Nick your dad is so adventurous but also super risk adverse that he'll only jump his dirt bike over hospitals. Bart, your dad stores peanuts in his eyelids.

Okay, Sloss, your dad 3D-printed his own dick and put it in the time capsule for future generations. I'm out sweet well thanks well thank you very much for not only coming over to Scotland to visit me thank you very much for coming on the podcast that was fun wasn't it

I reckon we nailed it good luck Thank you very much for coming on the podcast. That was fun, wasn't it? Yeah. Fun week. I reckon we nailed it. Yeah. And good luck. I'm so happy I came over to surprise you because all the muggles have been saying, well, you won't be able to do that again. Yeah. I mean, next time we talk to you, you'll be a father.

Papa. Papa Cody. A single father. Father. Father. With a ghost wife. Coming over every week because I only get it every second week Surprise again

Got nothing else Anyway can we drink I'm sad And also very platinum Laters