Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.5 Domestic

Episode Date: October 11, 2017

Monday morning podcast on a Tuesday night. Finally raising their heads after Saturday night's drink off with a late podcast. Cream finally comes out of his resting huff to find out Muggins thought he'd been mad at him for something. Muggles, Dads and True Lies.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and Cream, Cream and Muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' Muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! We're in the same seats.

That's hack. Aww, Muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or a magic bean cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Remuggins, Remuggins, the fifth of Navuggins.

Somehow the cream's lost the plot. I hate these so much. I don't want to say I missed the singing. That was a kind of mix. I thought I'd give you a little bit of like. How was that a mix? You weren't singing. Because it was based on a song.

They're all based on songs. No, they're based on idioms lately. Oh yeah yeah I guess that is a halfway one that was a halfway one for you thought I'd mix

it up a bit you know appreciative could you hold the mic to your fucking mouth I literally saw you just

do you know what you've been you've been snappy all day you have how you know what I thought you

I thought you were being off of us earlier I thought I'd done something wrong when you were being

huffy I come in and you didn't speak right you were just like there on the couch you thought I'd done something wrong. When? You know, being huffy. I come in and you didn't speak. Right. Right? You were just like, there on the couch, you barely even glanced up at us

and I was just like, alright mate, had a little bit of like, I was in a good mood. Just bounced off the train, come in and see me boy. Alright, you didn't even fucking look up at us.

Right? Playing on your phone. Teenager. Right? Right? And then I told you some great news. I had some fantastic news that I was like,

excited to share. What was the news? And I told you it and you just were like, oh, you're just some great news. I had some fantastic news that I was excited to share. What was the news? And I told you it. And you just were like, oh, you're just ambivalent. And I was like, oh, it was a big day in my life. What was the news? I got out of debt. Oh, yay, you did tell me that.

I got out of debt. I've been in debt for... But I feel like that's not the first time you've told me this. No, but I got out of debt. I got out of debt when I was 19, right, because I crashed a car when it was third-party insurance. So I ended up having to pay the credit still for, like, four years. But I also got credit for a new car to replace it

and put it on third-party. So, yeah, my debt just, like, fucking mounted up and I ended up in 30 grand debt at one point. And I paid off my last remaining credit card today. It's been, like, 15 years. And I come in, I was like, I just paid off all my debt for the first time. I even thanked you for it.

I was like, hey, it was off the tour money. I think that's... And then you were like, I was like hey it was off the tour money I think that's and then you were like and then walked downstairs and I was like oh I've been waiting 15 years more than that actually I mean I definitely did do that, I wasn't in half but I do reckon there are also times

when like I don't have resting bitch face, I know people complain about that I've just got a resting bitch attitude like it was even just a distraction you came in I knew you were coming

like and I also did see you yesterday so I didn't warrant it hey man and also you were late oh no we're getting

to the root of the problem now oh I mean we didn't even have to leave till five you just missed us aye but I was you said you were

going to be here for an hour had some quality time to get by I know I went to the Oliver Fun Games show

I had a whole afternoon planned the cheese is going off which is weird because it's cheese I mean the milk's gone off it's cheese now

and then oh yeah and also with the debt news like yeah I've got two points to make with this

one I feel like you've come out of debt before and told that to me or you said no has it always been you paid off for credit card or something it's always been like one i might have come in when i've cleared that credit card i've made the final loan payment because i had like a loan that ran out in june that paid out in june so i probably told you about that one oh okay all right okay well that's been in several places all right but also I feel like I didn't react Because it's like I know I've got lucky but I'm also so

I've never gone below the money I've got Because that Natalie's the same, she's never spent anything she hasn't had Jean will go into her overdraft And I'm like, there'll be points when I'm like Alright I've not been paid for a while I'll still be fucking fine But I won't If I want something I'll absolutely delay fucking fine, but if I want something,

I'll absolutely delay it. I can't risk ever going to the fucking day. I've been at the point where I've been at the bottom of my overdraft with no money left in it, and I've had to run to work. I didn't work that far away. It was less than five miles, but I jogged to work. I got showered and got in my uniform

because I didn't have petrol. That was in 2009 prior to that. jogged to work, got showered and got in uniform because I didn't have petrol. And I've been, that was like in fucking whatever, 2009 prior to that where I've been that low on money and it's been a gradual climb and actually the last year or two has been great because I've still lived a good life while clearing my debt

because I travel with work so I end up in nice places on the ticket. But today was a big day. And you also did finally in the last year stop using hookers so like those bills obviously go down and coke psych so uh also i think one of the reasons i also didn't react to you tell me that is because you and i don't compliment each other or thank each other much no so i think what happened was you went oh i've got something nice to say. I was like,

I'm tuning out of this immediately. Yeah, because you didn't want to be in an awkward situation with me and you were like, oh, well done, buddy. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like a sincere moment between us with no witnesses.

We very rarely have sincere moments. It's always when we're butted, which I guess we can't even count as... Like end of the session shit. End of the session shit. There's been the occasional time when like...

Or like a love-inducing drug or something. Aye, yeah. Whenever we've done pills together, there's been the occasional time when like or like a love inducing drug or something aye yeah whenever we've done pills together there's always been love emotes but when we're sober

it has happened we're not assholes like I do remember you tell me like well done or something or congratulations for something and I've definitely done

the same for you but that's what makes them more special is the fact that there's a so the fact that you were offering me a shit when I was like

hey get away with that weak-ass shit. What's this been cut with? I'll tell you what this has been cut with. This has been cut with you also congratulating yourself for getting out of debt. This isn't a full compliment. You can fuck off. This is a humblebrag. Yeah, this is a humblebrag by me.

Speaking of getting manned, you're wasted. No. I'm a little bit tipsy man the other night so for anyone that follows us on Instagram you'll obviously

know this story for anyone who doesn't follow us on Instagram fuck me you missed out on a belter of a day we went hell for leather

so me and Kai we had a discussion about this in our what's up group the other day with a bunch of

comedians where we were talking about who is the biggest sort of sesher party or about this in our what was that group the other day with a bunch of comedians where we were talking about like who is the biggest sort of sesher, party or drinker in our group

there's about 11 of us and I think I'm pipping you on reputation because you'll go to bed just out of oh this is the end and I'll like

stick around you stay up that dark fucking end of the session I never tap I never tap out because I'm too fucked or because

I'm actually sleeping i'm just like it's 7 a.m we're getting nothing there's nothing more there's no more youtube videos i don't watch yeah i want to go on do this tomorrow uh so we agreed that the only person above the two of us is uh our friend barry casnola who will get on the podcast one day but who is an absolute animal so much of an animal that we can never tell any of the stories we have about him so that's why this is the first time you've heard of him. Right? Because every time

their story starts with I was with Barry, right? The end of it is something that the fucking court will call the statement.

He's a beast. I told you that about that time when we got spiked with acid in Benidorm. He just went, he went, Guy, come here!

He's shouting in front of me like I'm in the hotel room and the fucking walls are closing in on his leg. Just to give context with this, we were all out in Benidorm on a holiday. Yes, we know, shut here. He's shouting in front of me. I'm in the hotel room. The fucking walls are closing in on us. Just to give context for this, we were all out in Eb, Benidorm on a holiday. Yes, we know.

Shut up. 2015. Yeah. We might have told this story in the podcast before, but basically the short version of it is that we got spiked with acid by some fucking Dutch guy. And then we all split up.

So me and Milo and Matty went one way and then I realised we were on acid. Tom and Stanley went another way. They realised they were on acid. You got chased? We got chased, we think. By a white walker? Cut to 11am when we finally bump into Kai and Barry

who've just been out ever since. We've had five hours of coming to terms with the fact that we've been spiked, right? Just trying our best to get through it. Hydrating. We finally find you five hours after that and we see you and you just laugh and you're like, what the fuck's going on?

And we go, we've been spiked just laugh and you're like what the fuck's going on and we go we've been spiked with acid and you and Barry both went ah like we'd all worked we'd all worked out but you were both just like we've literally gone insane

oh man we just rode that wave something rotten like I was there I was still on a park bench shouting my dad's got big plans for this city Benetton

my dad's got big plans for this city Benetton my dad yeah so Barry called us at the bathroom he was like can I come to the bathroom and I got out of the bathroom grabbed my hand in a clamp right with both hands one on each ear right and held my face into the mirror while I'm on acid I'm just watching my fucking face

if you've never done acid basically it causes visuals that's when I knew I'm on acid i'm just watching me because if you've never done acid basically like it causes visuals and it looking in the that's when i knew i was on acids i looked in the mirror and i saw worms crawling up my face i was like i mean that's definitely not happening like i'm not a fucking apple from a children's book there's not a fucking worm coming out of my face but anyway so we're having this discussion and we decided to uh because that's our constant debate with each other is who is uh the heavier drinker because i'll argue uh that i'd probably uh drink more and you get drunker faster than i am but you're you come from a better pedigree as well like my mom and dad like a drink but your mom likes a drink yeah and the whole side of her family but then your argument is always you're

like because you don't pass out or whatever you're like i stay out later so that's the constant debate we have i like i reckon i've got a very high fucking not only tolerance but also i'm a i'm a good drunk like very rarely so some people will be drunk because they start getting lairy or arsehole they are fucking egoey whereas being drunk just makes me nicer anyway so so we went toe for toe to guy for drinks drink drink for drink where it would start off just pre-gig so we couldn't really go too hard at it early so we had a bottle of wine had a bottle of wine with for dinner and then a gin and tonic backstage yeah i know magnus backstage and then you took two gin and tonic on i took two gin tonics backstage yeah so that's where we started just so that it didn't fuck wicking up too much

then the breaks come off yeah then after the show it was whilst still in venue I think it was three gin and tonics one doubles as well

doubles three separate shots one of Sambuca one of tequila and Jager two and you decided it was a good idea

to get whiskies whiskies yeah and then we got a white wine we got a bottle of white and then I got you white wine. We got a bottle of white. And then I got you a beer, because you were bitching on about, I don't like beer.

Oh, no. I hate beer. But I did drink it. It gives me a truth. I did drink it. I wasn't going to get a beer, because I kept teasing that I was going to, because that was your technicality.

But then when you brought whiskey into the game, as if that's like man if you think you hate beer compared to how much I like beer you like whiskey oh my god but I didn't know

you didn't like whiskey like because we've drank whiskey before how can you not know that about me because we've drank whiskey before haven't I just joked about

like I don't think you really like it because I've just been periodic oh but I feel the same way about beer so I'm just like you don't actually like the taste,

you just drink it because you're fucking used to it. No, the thing with beer is it flows. It's like, you're pouring and pouring and pouring stuff

into your face and it just flows and it doesn't like, it doesn't build up in your stomach. If you'd said that any slower, Nick Cody would've just started jerking off

when he was listening to this. Like if you'd described, I can edit that, I can edit that. I can edit that. If you had described drinking beer there any slower, Cody would have just started, like Looch could have been in bed with him

and he would have just started getting and just really slowly jerking it just for that bit. He's the face of a beer now. Aye. Because he's got beer face. Big red bloated cut. Rest in beer face.

Rest in beer face big red bloated cat resting beer face resting beer face oh he's he's definitely listened to this so could he just got marked miss you bro please come back

he's coming back he is oh Jesus he's coming to the doing the Soho Theatre run which is around about the same time we're doing it

so people can come to London and do a fucking one two three on this aye maybe number one and then as in the first one

because you're the fucking national and then you guys are going to come and do both the punch drunks yeah punch drunk

with Ian Sterling with Ian Sterling oh how's it going Voice of Love Island that was come on you can do it hold on Ian if you're on it chance Ian Sterling if you're on it Voice of Love Island That was Asian You can do it Ian If you're on it chances

Ian Sterling If you're on it chances I've got it The Voice of Love Island I've lost it again I don't know what it is For some reason I go Slightly Congo

But also slightly Welsh You know that famous Should I try and do it? Oh please no Ian Sterling Hero addicts are a lot like the megabus

if you're on it chances are you're a megabus you are the worst at accents even your own one and a joke a bunch of the joke

right so Ian Sterling's going to be on the Blive run with you and the week before that we're doing the Nottingham run where Glenn Wool

is going to be on with you and Cody. Aye. So those are the... Yeah, that'll be fucking absolute bitching. So you've got a chance to see Cody in the UK in London, Nottingham and the Newcastle area. So we kept fucking drinking

and if you were on our Instagram, you'd realise we were... Look, I think we'll both admit we were wrecked. Oh, I was fucked. Because this is the thing, right? I think I've mentioned this before. When I'm getting fucked, I can normally stay at the front of my brain, where I'm in control. It's not an autopilot.

Like, I'm struggling to control it. I forgot the controls. I've got my controller upside down, but I'm there, you know? Like, I'm not going to do anything, like, fucking put there. The pilot hasn't left the cockpit. Like, I always say that about my mate, Ali, one of my best friends. There's some points when he gets drunk,

and he'll be the first to admit this, I'm not fucking writing him out, but the pilot leaves. The pilot fucking bails out. Tom Horton's done that a few times too, where we've lost him for a bit. He comes back to the cockpit, Tommy Lee. But their bodies still go.

It's like the fucking opposite of zombies. You've got to destroy the head that is zombies oh no but i mean because you've technically you have destroyed their head but you've not yeah yeah yeah so actually i think you'll find pushes glasses up i was at a point on that night where i was i was just starting to slip away i was starting to recede back and i was like oh was that when i can't remember getting back. That gets a bit struggling. I remember twerking up against the bar

and I remember... Pushing me into a bush. That was funny. That was very early on. That is definitely one double standard where you knew I would enjoy that as a bit. Laugh about it. And you made a judgement that ah, he'll be cool with it you wouldn't have

been cool with that shit it's such a double standard of that probably like i'll 100% agree because that is exactly the type of asshole i am it is fully double standards but i would also argue had you done it like i probably especially if you were on instagram and i needed to keep up the front that i'm a nice person I would have been like oh you got me the second I went off I would have been like noted

that's when you were when you were being really grumpy before I was like oh I'm looking for the podcast because he's kind of like put his game face on because there's listeners

you don't carry on being that grumpy with a mic in his hand even though it's the same thing it's still just me and you in the living room we were just fucking chatting earlier

he grumpy cunt yeah but I genuinely wasn't grumpy I know that's why I wasn't grumpy you know that's why I didn't ask if you were alright because I knew

you'd be like aye you're fucking on your period or something like there's no way I can is everything

okay with us I can't approach that that's the fucking worst thing I can do that is true

just going downstairs you alright I am fine just going downstairs texting people like

you okay can't DM me the thing is as well because I'd come in pretty late and I still had to get myself sorted I hadn't checked the whatsapp as well and if I'd looked on whatsapp

I could have just seen that you were just having like right good time I was like yeah and I was also you were having a belt you were like you were in the middle of a bit

because I checked the time on and I was like that's a fault that's when he was ignoring me he was just having a good time I was just talking to my other friends. And then also, I had just come back

from Marlena's, who I obviously, Marlena's our agent, who I love dearly. She's given us both careers and more. She got me out of debt. She got you out of debt.

She was fucking, she's hurt her leg or something. We always tell her that if she... She fucking broke her leg jumping off a boat how do you do that off a boat keep telling her

clearly didn't land in water I keep telling her that if she breaks her leg one more time we're going to have to get her put down like a horse but just being on

Kettleman like a horse so she's obviously being Marlena the fact that she's been hospitalised three times is still working and it's like

so I went round today went to SOX officers just put the itinerary together for the European tour which is a job in a fucking half three times, is still working, and it's like, so I went around today, went, socks off, just put the, I turned it together for the European tour, which is a job in a fucking half, she's just done that

with her, with her leg in it, so I went around, and we were going through photos and stuff, like press shots, and poster photos for next year,

because obviously, after my poster this year, I fucking despise her, so we were going through that, yeah, I took autonomy off me posters, and I suddenly realised why Marlena, go through that. Yeah, I took autonomy off me posters. And I suddenly realised why Marlena 90% of the time

gets her way with posters. I was like, how did I possibly let her away with last year's poster? Because she even showed me the original photo, right? And here's the genuine thing, it's not photoshopped, right? That fucking image of me, she showed me the fucking original. You stood behind frosted glass. It's the type of lens.

The type of lens clears up so I was like right I'm going to fucking sit here and make sure I don't ever have to have a fucking awful poster again right and five minutes in

I was like oh yeah this is when I walked out last year I see you just going sure I just get bored yeah because she's so I mean she does normally great fucking posters

she's got an eye for it and she's so meticulous with fucking each one yeah I'm like I like that one she's like great fucking posters she's got an eye for it and she's so meticulous with fucking each one that she's good at I'm like I like that one she's like nah and then she'll explain the full reasons

why it doesn't work which is nine times out of ten right and by number three I'm just like oh bitch this is what we want

and I'm like this is exactly so I had to stay there for an extra hour I had to convince myself I was like you can't have another poster like this year

what time are we on? you want to pause it so you can finish rolling that? What time is it? 17 minutes. All right, we can pause it and then go on Muggles. Right, we're back. Right, so to put an end to that story, after I was twerking in the bar...

We had a rack of five shots. We had a rack of five shots. Each. And then some other shots. And we were pretty drunk. And we walked to the next place. It kind of turned to me. It was like,

I beg you, just let it stop and we just said, go home. He was like, put his hand on my shoulders and he just looked at me. He tapped.

I've never seen fear like it. He started putting his fucking feet up on the rope so he couldn't get pinned. Well, Steve Austin ran in with a chair. Aye. Wiped you out.

So, I think, we went leg for leg. It's not like one of us was still up at the end. I can't really remember getting fucking home, to be honest. But I played the following on Instagram by getting up in the morning. I was munted when I woke up, right? But I got up in time for breakfast and I had a shower.

And I went down for breakfast and was putting my game face on to send Snapchats and shit. As if you'd survived. You'd just be like, I'm fresh as a daisy and then I'm knocking on your door. I knocked on the wrong fucking door. I knew you were mad because we couldn't drive home and we couldn't drive to the next gig until three. No, we had to fucking just, we had to check out. We had to check out and just drink loads of coffee, eat loads of fucking bread kiss loads of fucking fit chicks because they were like are you the legends from last night

and I was like oh I am you spewed everywhere it's been a while since I've spewed I like you you spew all the time fuck I have to take me wellies out at night because you fill the street

I don't be weird as aye but none of my other friends have to do that so you can tell what the common denominator is whenever I'm hanging out with you I'm just fucking spewing try to catch him to your bulimia so em

yeah it was a draw oh it was an absolute draw and it was one of those moments we've had this before but it was one of those moments where we just go

we've just got to fucking concede to each other that one of us is probably weaker than the other one but we'll never find out because oh man it would be such a it's such a dangerous game we'll get into because how bad would it be for me if you had had to carry me home if you had like fucking carriers and get us into my fucking room and put us in the bed and you were snapchatting that shit and i had to wake up but also like my concern for you like because of that it would be the first time i've seen you do that so that anytime we were out drinking from then on i'm like i've seen about his worst like you've seen me at my worst and you're never

concerned for me and vice versa so i deserve you at your best um so yeah that was after the norwich gig we've had some really nice gigs but you've had weird hecklers aye in Hemel Hempstead a guy if anyone's seen

the show you'll know that my last joke is on the topic of paedophilia not making fun of it but I'm talking about something that

happened to me and you got nearly groomed I got nearly groomed well I did get groomed but you know anyway I'm not going to ruin the fucking show you cock teased him aye I'm not going to ruin the show for the audience You got nearly groomed. I got nearly groomed. Well, I did get groomed, but anyway.

I'm not going to ruin the fucking show. You cock-teased him. All right. I'm not going to ruin the show for the audience who haven't seen it yet. But some guy in Hamilton just decided that at the end, right at the end, just when I was saying goodbyes, and I do that bit where I'm like, if you didn't enjoy the show, that's absolutely fine. My comedy's not for everyone.

Just to let people know. I think it stops them leaving angry. Because if you say, I fucking hate this, I'm like, if you don't like me, it is absolutely fine. But this is the comedy I enjoy doing. And some guy was like, pedophiles aren't funny. And I was like, yeah. That's what I said.

I'm talking from the point of view of a victim. We've time-lapsed, and now I'm ready to talk about it. And he was like, pedophiles, they're our children. And I was like like did you not listen and that's one of those moments you usually realise somebody didn't listen

to the joke I could tell you know I lost him early with the amount of fucking swearing but as we said last week the second someone gets offended by swearing

I'm just like you're not going to even like any of the show there's no point toning down swearing in my show if you get offended by swearing

yeah because the content is worse than the words because if you get offended by the words Jesus Christ wait till you hear the fucking shit I'm talking about

yeah I had a heck of a best of the fest at the assembly during the fringe where I you know when I do the man of the house bit where I pull out

the photograph of me as a 13 year old standing up to my dad I mentioned about my dad knocking my glasses off and this guy was shouting going domestic abuse isn't funny

I was like it's me that got hit dude like you don't need to get Like you don't need to get offended Like you don't need to get Worried about my behalf Anyway Like This whole situation was

Like It's not even domestic abuse really The fucking argument With my dad I lay it out Aye Right And em

And I just I said to him Like fucking memories of you Got clipped once or twice When you were 13 years old Aye You wouldn't be spoiling a knife For everyone else in the audience It's it's that thing people cannot

fucking separate uh the the thing like it's just go people it's not funny and you go of course it's not funny yeah it's not it's absolutely not funny but none of us are saying that what we're talking about is seeing incidents surrounding it and based off personal fucking experience, the humour that you can. It's therapeutic. Aye. Cheaper than therapy. In fact, I get paid. Yep.

Should we go into True Lies first? Yeah, we're going to do that game because we've done a couple impromptu ones. Aye, so True Lies is basically we just come up with three things that sound true but absolutely are not. But the game for you is to see if you can convince anyone at work if any of these things are true. So we're equipping you with some

false facts. Yeah. Next time you're at a pub quiz and they ask for an interesting fact that you know or tell us something interesting, just see if you can slip this in. And even if they for a second go, really? Oh, you bastard. That still counts. That's absolutely the game of true lies. Yeah, if you've got them for a second go, really? Oh, you bastard. That still counts. That's absolutely the game of true life.

Yeah, if you've got them for a second. So dolphins are so close to the same level of intelligence as humans that they also pretend to cry during Blackfish. And tweet about it. They watched because they showed a bunch of dolphins in SeaWorld. Well, not SeaWorld, obviously, because that's where it happened, but a place like SeaWorld. From Uganda.

Aye, a bit nicer. And they showed the dolphins there, and the dolphins were just like, whales are a cunt, so. You could see there was water in their eyes? Aye. No. I nearly let you away with that. Right.

On the X11 bus that gets you from Newcastle to blythe you can pay an extra quid and get dropped off at your door just on the last bus oh of course otherwise it's gonna be late that's also not like only a little uh fake life hack you never know how much that bus driver needs a quid would that be funny you know like i lived in the kind of a cold east track estate would that be funny if You know, like I live in kind of a coldy stack estate. Wouldn't that be funny if you just see the fucking double-decker bus

going down the street? I'm sure there isn't a stop and go home. Cows can't see colour but are somehow still highly racist. Cows aren't racist. Aye,

it's just instead they've just no it's like bar bar black cow nope

either this weed is making your joke shit or me like a

podcast Simon Cowell just denying everything but it's still the grump with us still the mood

yeah so they basically Obviously they think it comes from Obviously like in America Especially white farmers Came over Black people when they were first in America

Weren't allowed to own farms Because they were slaves and what not So they think the cows over the years Have developed Just the same racism as the slave owners Yeah absolutely That's why I don't eat at McDonald's over the years have developed just the same racism as the slave owners yeah absolutely and it's absolutely fact

that's why I don't eat at McDonald's I'm fine eating them if they're that cunty oh yeah that's true eh that's why you go to McDonald's because none of that's beef I don't go to McDonald's

yeah I eat real steak if you forgot your bike lock in a city centre, policemen are legally obliged to lend you the handcuffs if you ask them. To lock your bike up. No, it's actually one of the old ones. You have to basically snitch on your bike for doing a crime it didn't do. So if you're there, you don't have a bike.

This is another little fake life hack. If you're there and you're like, fucking this bike just stole my mate, instead of the opposite, right? Put it on a citizen's arrest, call the police. Phone the police and be like, fucking this bike just absolutely shoplifted. Check the basket, three baguettes in there.

Didn't pay for those, where's the receipt? And they'll just fucking tie up that in there. The receipt's tucked into the spokes, so it sounds like a motorbike when you're riding. into the spokes so it sounds like a motorbike when you're writing so obviously

after the first moon landing they had to send people back to the moon because Buzz Aldrin wrote Neil Armstrong

what's his fucking name Neil Armstrong Neil Armstrong I lost faith Buzz Aldrin basically wrote Neil Armstrong is a fag IDST on the moon

and Neil was real upset about it so they had to they obviously sent him up to do more research but first and foremost the reason it got brought into discussion is because Buzz, because he was pissed off that he wasn't first on the moon he made sure he was last off and just before he did

Neil Armstrong is a fag IDST and also there's no wind on the moon, so it's going to stay there forever. And they're also worried that if aliens ever come there, like the first bit of information they know about the Earth

and our race is that beach graffiti. It's one that we're homophobic because of the fucking use of that language. But different time by then, wasn't it? I was actually in a different planet. I mean, I know the moon's not a planet, but...

Fake lies, I'm just doing fake lies. Oh, yeah. From October the 29th, they'll be selling lollipop poles at Half Arts, so anyone can help people across the road and not just the professionals. Man, it's a fucking gruesome fucking nine-month course to become a lollipop lady. Hi.

Mainly transitioning. We've got a bloke lollipop lady. That's going to be a joke that you listen back to and don't roll over. Oh, really? You're going to do a good one. Don't repeat it. I'll listen to it. Sick.

The lollipop lady, he has a bloke. I mean, you've literally just stepped on the joke you rolled over. Have I? Aye. So I looked at Santa. That's what Santa does when he's fucking time off. He does the lollipop for your school. All right.

So he was there on the road. I was whacking down at the Roseburn to get me a salad breakfast. And he was there with his lollipop out, right? And this young girl come up and started, like, pole dancing, gyrating against his lollipop, right? And the dude didn now what a day. Wait, is this, are we still on True Lies? This isn't True Lies.

I've thought this way. I'm sure I've told you this before. No. Fuck, unless you didn't listen, right? What? Unless you, you probably never listened. Oh, man. It's unbelievable.

Gareth was screaming in a car right now for all the jokes rolling over. Keep going. it's unbelievable Gareth was screaming in a car right now for all the jokes rolling over keep going oh man I'm just just enjoying the image of Gareth was screaming in a car oh no I'm on fire

it's hot if you subscribe to his Patreon you can get that every month so I had the fucking this young lass

in her school uniform starts fucking giving a full Britney on the pole and the dude like you can't fucking rattle it can you

because that's going to encourage her just try and shake her off like she's a slug on a stick he's joining in go on work it baby

like he's pumping for oil oh man he just instead he just went for oil Oh man He just instead He just went for the fucking thousand yard stand Just standing at the fucking distance Fucking And you start flinging money at her

Coins Took the pun coin in her knickers I shoved a trolley token in What that was a gift So it was to her pay it forward pay it upward oh no

oh no oh you went there I did so aye lollipops how fancy you can get them it's going to be cute outside 29th of October so it's just

you obviously don't get paid but it's just like obviously it's a good deed isn't it so a lot of people dream of being lollipop ladies

but as I said the fucking training's real do you want me to tell you a truth that is going to sound so much like a

true lie people are going to be scared to google it in case they find out they're wrong it's just a

website with you laughing at them calling them muggles but if they do google it I guarantee it's right

on a lollipop the black oblong It's just a website with you laughing at them, calling them muggles. But if they do Google it, I guarantee it's right. On a lollipop, you know the black oblong round oval. Right. Round long. Try again. Take two. The oblong that's got like rounded edges. Aye. The black line through the middle.

Yeah. That's actually a chalkboard. That's a blackboard. And they've got chalk so that if they need to take down a registration, they put it on the lollipop. Ah, see, because you've told me that story about the fucking stripper on the lollipop. I did remember that because on his one, he'd written dibs and just an arrow down. He actually fucking snapped his chalk through it on the ground and used tippings. And then started chasing you around

with it he's giving me a little switcheroo that was my nickname in high school switcheroo oh sorry it's buckaroo

did you see Nick Coney said it's the day about the socceroos don't worry about the socceroos Australia has real sports

the same AFL is the number one sport but the fact they call it the suckaroos that's just so lame imagine do you know

do you know why Cody said that right because Cody likes AFL because apart from darts that is the only sport that someone with his physique can get into

he's a fucking unit leg. By the way, that's not a fat joke. He's barrel chested. He benches like a motherfucker. He picks up the

50 odd kilo weight. Oh man, Cody is a tank, but he's also he's got that tank build, but with a fucking bare belly. There's a reason he's not playing.

There's a reason he plays FIFA. He's not a winger. But he is a minger. And a ganger. I was saying, calling it the Socceroos, I was calling the England team, us, me and you, calling the England team the footy-wutties.

Aye. Or the football ions, because the soccer kangaroos. Yeah, I had the last bit. The football ions. Footy ions. Yeah, the foot ions. Foot ions. The foot ions.

Alright, we got there. Aye. Found that. Showed our work in for the shittest joke. This podcast is becoming a fucking weird part of the internet. By that you mean it's getting more obscure. And also we'll sell you drugs That was a Darknet reference

Which I don't know much about And I am tempted to order drugs from it But I'm also terrified to order drugs from it Yeah I've got a friend Hi Schmickets Oh Jiminy Schmickets Yeah

Who And is serious of unfortunate events Who's used it for things that were used But also had no delivery you can hardly get out of the complaints department of Darknet the cannabis oil

didn't turn up I might go on the Darknet but just to avoid Adam Rose statuses oh my god he's killing us right now But just to avoid Adam Rowe's statuses. Oh my God. He's killing us right now. God, I hope he does listen to this podcast just for that belt or slam. Let's plug his podcast.

He actually started it. Let's also plug his tour. Adam Rowe is a comic that we absolutely rip on to his face. But he is a fucking belt comic. I was done with him in... He's thrown his integrity into the hat to do self-promotion.

It's a business model that works he's in an absolute business model and also he's a fucking that's the reason I can't begrudge him because he's a fucking

see when awful comedians really sell their wares and we won't mention names when Adam Rowe does it I'm like it's as annoying but you are very they're going to enjoy

his content also he's managed to do a two hour without having any TV and it's because of people like us plugging his show that was my fourth true lie go see Adam Rowe

right should we move on to La Corner oh before we do the Muggles when I was saying you've got some weird hecklers this happened in Warwick. Aye. So I've got a bit about Muggles in the opening section.

Will you explain what they are? But then I'll also go into the Harry Potter book and replace a few words and fuck around with Harry Potter for a bit and then move on. And then you started slating Muggles in your bit. And this young couple got up, stood up, grabbed their bag, made a point of it and left, right? Because we'd spoiled Harry Potter for them. Yeah, apparently ruined Harry Potter for them. Like, oh, I didn't.

I don't think they left before my muggle bit, but that's apparently what was over. The girl sat beside him and was like, they left because you said you ruined Harry Potter. I think for me it was just the... I'd clearly spent a bit of time on Harry Potter, right? And then in the interval they were like, oh my God, that was disgusting. He just dragged his cock and balls over on the good book.

Honestly, do you know what? It actually wasn't a walkout. They both went to Muggle Corner. Yeah, straight to Muggle Corner. Apparently one of the staff had one of them tut and say, terrible. Terrible. You know what's

the beautiful thing about this, right, is if we have made them have a bad time, I'm really glad. Like, there's people that I want to have a shit time

and if I could be complicit in them having a shit time, oh, my deed is done. They are shit cunts. Yeah, it is such a fucking mind uh fucking victory that's why like i don't with hecklers i don't normally go like as hard or whatever because for me the victory is or you're gonna think about this way longer than i'm gonna like the second i get off stage and i'm on fucking fifa you're out of my head yeah because i still

had a fucking good show and it was only you because the only time i get heckled is you may get a comedy reference there on the podcast but that's the only time you're gonna occupy space oh yeah yeah oh and occasionally like i'll see people that look like you like the old man in hamel hempstead like i walked on stage in st andrews today and there was an old couple in the front row and just because the last guy that heckled was old i was like they're gonna hate the show and they were fucking belt and they were anyone that was in st andrews tonight will know how funny the fucking couple in the front row because the last guy that heckled was old. I was like, they're going to hate the show. And they were fucking built. Anyone that was in St. Andrews tonight will know how funny the fucking couple in the front row were.

And afterwards, like... Proper old as well, like. Proper old. Thanks for the war, old. Yeah. Like, they were just there to be at the end. I was like, I was trying to tone it down. They were like, no, no, no, mate.

We grew up in Billy fucking Con. Like, what are you talking about? Yeah. So, yeah, but yeah? The victory absolutely is. I'm like, you hate this so much. See when I see people not enjoying the show. People think it must be the best shows when 100% of the audience are loving it.

Nah, nah, nah. Best shows are when 90% of the audience or 95% are loving it, but 5% are fucking hating it and you've clocked them. The enemy are there. They're there and they're just getting more furious because it's not funny to them and everyone's laughing

and it's not funny to them and everyone's laughing and it's going so well and I'm having fun and you're punishing people who don't like you yeah it's just the greatest purest form of revenge that and I've got Kai outside stabbing the car not slashing their tires

just fucking shiving it into the metal oh i've had someone bring up on the podcast as well because uh jean put on jean good for the heart good for the heart the more she queefs the more i fart it's like a competition jean jean good for the heart the more she creeps the more I fart because it's like a competition like if she creeps

one one bitch at the buzzer I've shot myself that's a three point you lose that's a three incher so she put a Facebook status in recommend a book and tell me a secret so she put a Facebook statement saying

recommend a book and tell me a secret so I recommended a book and then told a secret because I had really dig deep for a secret because I don't have

many secrets most of the things that I've got a secret I've told on the podcast so the secret I had I was like what if I'm not told honestly Gene

my truth is so bad I'm worried about Daniel. He's losing weight. That's another reason I thought you wanted a huff of his. Why? I bought you a fucking meal. I was like,

right, he hasn't spoken to me because I've been in the car with him for fucking two hours. He hasn't fucking said hello. Do you still think I was in the huff at the venue? Well,

you hadn't spoke oh yeah I mean I guess because I ended up just putting my headphones on listening to my book I always take that as you

because I know I kept drifting off and thinking what the fuck's wrong with that I'm never wearing it just played it over and over again and you're like

what did I do wrong and then I was like because I couldn't be asked for you at this point turns out all today you thought I've been angry at you but't be arsed with you at this point. Turns out, all today, you thought I'd been angry at you, but you've ended up more angry at me today than I was at any point.

So I was like, you know what? He'll have to do a soundcheck, because it's on your laptop, right? So I was like, you go do a soundcheck, I'll go get some food. And I went and got this really nice fucking hipster joint that I found last time we were in Seattle. Oh, it was a hipster? Aye. And I got a couple of little fucking hipster burgers that I found last time oh it was a hipster aye and I got a couple of little fucking

hipster burgers with some chunky fries I brought them back for you you didn't fucking touch it you didn't thank us for it then you didn't touch it and er like

I was like you know can I eat that and I'll just have it then oh I see and I was like this guy's got a fucking chip on his shoulder they're like

and then the thing I'll let you get back to that in a second. The thing that made us know that, you actually found out along. One was the WhatsApp, but I found that out after. But you were like, can I get a couple of bottles of wine when I'm on? We'll have a drink tonight.

Yeah. Were you not worried that I was just going to break up with you? Oh, no. What's he trying to get me drunk for? So here's my way. Right. So here's my explanation for that just so you're aware

of not being pissed off was I was texting Natalie about it so you come in I'm on the whatsapp I saw you yesterday eh by the time

I'm out of the fucking whatsapp you're playing FIFA and I'm like alright I'll just I'll fucking let him do that and I still have stuff to do I was playing it in a huff

just tutting over your shoulder ugh terrible right and then eh I he asked me do. I was playing it in a huff. Just tutting over your shoulder. Terrible. Right, and then he asked me, I decided to drive. Oh no, I go, you drive. I was up until 4am last night at a mate round. My shagga.

So, big shout out to Gareth's tour that's also... I told you I'd plug it if you sucked my dick. So, I was up till four and then I had that whole thing with Marlena so I was just not in a mood for fucking conversation and you're always good for that and then I wanted to sleep in the car

so I slept there and we get there and there's no parking and I know we're a bit late and I realise I've forgotten my laptop so I'm trying to work out how I'm going to go about this I'm just there and I'm just still tired and there's no parking and I know we're a bit late and I realise I've forgotten my laptop so I'm trying to work out how I'm going to go about this. I'm just there and I'm just still tired and there's no parking. I go,

oh, just let me in. I'll do the sound check. And it didn't look hipster-like food. I honestly thought you'd found the last remaining Wimpy Burger. Only because I fucking know how you like it and I'm going to explain. You didn't put any garnish on it

and they sell it. No, no, no. So of course yours just looked like a fucking... It's just a bone in put any garnish on it and he's selling it. No, no, no, but yeah. So of course yours just looked like a fucking... It's just a bone in a burger. But it was also because it was in such a, because it was obviously

in a hipster place, it was in such a understated wrapper. I was like, fucking Elton Anderson let itself go. And also, also,

I can't believe I spat in a burger and ate it myself. And also, the reason I didn't like it was because it was your round, food-wise.

Because on tour, we always do, we just go... It's almost like a couple of rounds going. There's the round which is the meal where it's like

a bit more expensive in the evening in a restaurant. And there's the little KFC round or Greg's round or whatever. So there, we're not really keeping count on them yeah pretty much technically yeah yeah but yeah we're just doing rounds on the seated meals which is a fucking good way to do it

because i've noticed it from both sides there's been so what you're saying is i didn't just randomly give you a nice gesture of food yeah no it was like my yeah and also like you said because you went you go sound check i'll go get food i was like oh that's the compromise we just made yeah it's like it was but i didn't think you wouldn't thank us for it and then not eat it you didn't thank me for the soundcheck i did they didn't you weren't listening oh that's oh that's better i'm gonna thank you for soundcheck soundcheck doesn't keep us alive Soundcheck's your job though I suppose it's that

Thanks for paying us Right Shall we go to Muggle What was the thing we did When we thanked each other On the podcast That was a good one What

We thanked each other On Thanksgiving Around Thanksgiving We thanked each other On the podcast For different stuff Did we We can go back

And check it It's called Thanksgiving What did we thank each other for? I mean, it was mainly you thanking me for stuff I couldn't think of. Right, so quickly, I was going to tell the story. Gene asked a secret, right? And the only thing that I could think of

that I hadn't told anyone is that when I was at my granddad Harry's house when he was out, I think we were looking after the dogs or something, right? So I'm in my teens. So I'm like 13 Gav's 15 you said that

like a qualification like you can only look after dogs if you're in your teens I'd just got my licence it was provisional but yeah

parental guidance so I went looking for his porn stash because I know he's a dirty bastard and I'm in his room and I open his

bedside drawer and I found Phil into porn Narnia oh man worse than that like found a fucking

black and deck screwdriver with a condom wrapped around the drill tip so he's fucking himself or whatever

one of his cousins or he just wants to do a really clean chipping he's gonna stab someone with AIDS safety first Or he just wants to do a really clean chipping. He's going to stab someone with AIDS. Safety first.

So I was like, oh no, he's being fucking rattly. He's waiting for the screwdriver. Wait, from the thick end or the whole thing? It was on the, right, so there's a fucking screwdriver where you press the button. It was bzzz. There's a dildo. Wait, hold on. He turned his black and black out and it was a dildo Wait Hold on He turned his black and black Dildo eye No

A screwdriver Have you honestly Just found your Grandad's dildo And you think It's a screwdriver Because you just went It's long

Thing on the end You press a button And it goes Wait Warren I'm 13 I haven't imagined That I'm going to Fucking come across

A dildo You were looking for porn What were you expecting Not a dildo Wait So I'm's house you were looking for porn what were you expecting not a dildo right so I'm not a fucking chump right

and that's the difference between a dildo and a screwdriver send a man searching for porn in his granddad's house aye I'm a fucking 80s baby is what we're today I would have

the catalogue would have survived fucking is that when they used to masturbate in 8-bit 8-bit so gotta come down wrap my thing I think it was Gav that funded it and Gav was like fucking is that when they used to masturbate in 8-bit 8-bit so gotta kind of

wrap around the thing I think it was Gav that funded it and Gav was like fucking Kai you seen this and I was like oh no why are you sure it was that

problem shared it's a problem doubled in this case have you been unscrewing me granny so I live my entire fucking life thinking

that he'd been gone into battle with a screwdriver maybe he was just given her maybe it was foreplayed he was just given her Philip's head not an old flathead you can't call them that

so I put this on Gene Status thinking I mean this is as revealing as

I can get I haven't told this to anyone this is a legit secret that I'm putting out

in public forum on Facebook and then it was your uncle Scott's friend Mick commented on

I hate to break the illusion Kai but he probably didn't have any elastic bands and

wanted to get a broken Phillips screwdriver out. So, you know, when the positive screwdriver is, like, bored out, so the screwdriver doesn't thing, you put some rubber around the end.

And it fills the gaps. It fills the gaps. A little life hack for you. So my granddad just did a little life hack. Did some carpentry. And that's what my entire life got in that dirty fucking fiend. Right? So, one, I owe my granddad Harry an apology it has spent my entire life going that dirty fucking fiend right so one

I owe my grandad Harry an apology for thinking that he'd been going into battle with a screwdriver but he also owes me an apology for me just going aye that's totally something you're going to undo so aye I just need to get that off my chest

right what time are we in? we're doing Grandmades don't worry about it they can fast forward oh yeah should we apologise for not doing a podcast on Monday they can fast forward the bits you're talking

sorry for not doing a podcast on Monday it's because we were fucking awful on Sunday it was the worst hangover ever and also we didn't have a hotel, so we'll come off... Oh, wait, hold on. But we could, as an apology, we'll release this fucking tomorrow on Wednesday

and then we'll still do one for Thursday. I'll pop it on tonight. So everyone's got it in the morning. All right, but we can still do the Thursday one, is what I'm saying. Oh, yeah, of course. We're still going to do two a week. You know that's not the fastest way to scratch your ear.

Time Nazis. I've gone the wrong way around. We had to scratch my ear. I'm literally sorry to describe my facial joke on the podcast. But Kai is so high, he's scratching his right ear with his left hand behind his head. Like he's Chris Ramsey, mine, and fucking Rhys James' tour poster. Fucking everyone's tour poster in the early thousands. Right.

Sorry for the long day podcast, but it's late. We were hungover and we give you good Instagram stuff, so shop. Muggles. Right. Sorry for the other day's podcast, but it's late. We were hungover, and we give you good Instagram stuff, so shut up. Muggles. Right. My first two are very much based on... Maybe I was angry today based on these two things. Muggles invented the average speed camera. Whoever did that...

I understand the need for speed cameras. As annoying as they are, I'm like, you know what like you know what fine dangerous corner i'll absolutely slow down because by the way when i say i'm speeding it's not during the day it's when i'm driving home from a gig at fucking 2 a.m right there's nobody on the roads i want to do 70 on a 60 i just want to get home that little bit faster driving safe i know the roads yeah all right i'm at a speed a bit you know where the speed cameras are you go right i'll slow down for this bit this is a police check area it's obviously more dangerous

they're not only there to catch you they're there to warn you that this is a place a lot of car crashes happen and then some fucking nerd

right probably called fucking Philip oh aye Philip gave your grand head

Philip right he's just fucking sitting there with his wife right and he's just fucking sitting there with his wife right and he's not invented this because he knows anyone

I like Philip I'm Colin Colin right okay right so Colin's fucking sitting there I'm Malcolm hi Malcolm's a shit name

because his name's fucking Malcolm Doobery or whatever right and he's fucking sitting there and he's not

inventing it because he's lost anyone in a car crash right that would be absolutely a fair reason for inventing it, it's big karma, but this is not the type of guy, right, he's just there he's just like, there's actually a more efficient way of doing this, and then

did it because he knew it would make him money, you absolute fucking nerd, Malcolm he's a muggle? Malcolm's getting the corner all Malcolms this is a counter argument to that, is that just because I've been uh like my brother and friends and powers have been uh road workers haven't got the average speed checks on because that's when roadworks are happening oh yeah the workforce is in the road so those

so it's not a busy road and they're not like trying to keep it because it's busy but again that's another time where i'm like i fully get these ones right but a lot of time like tonight the workers weren't on the road and i was just like, I bet these average speed cameras are still on. Yeah. Like I'm driving back and also... That's when you feel like

the biggest conformist as well when you're just like hitting it 60, porting along with like fucking... I think you're being watched. Just like, whoever invented

the fucking average speed camera, right? It's a proper... It's just a snitch. Like, he went out of his way to be a snitch. Like, he went out of his way to be a snitch. He's a fucking entrepreneur snitch.

He's a surgeon that invented the breast reduction. Nah, I mean, I understand your joke, but... It was just a bit. Aye. I get how some people may not want extra body on their front.

Oh, mate, I had a girl in my high school who had to get proper boob reduction. Don't you? I like it because I was being a right tit. There's two types of people in this world. There's left tits and there's right tits. And you, sir, are a right tit.

You should have just left it there. You've been like this all day. Funny. Yeah. Right, what's your next one? First one. So that goes in? Oh, in i mean do you want to debate it i mean like it's a very specific thing is the person who invented the speed camera one guy so we're giving it to malcolm's hi if your name is no no no just that guy i just it was just just a gripe and also nobody tweeted me muggle corners oh one guy did it was who muggle corners

i'm running out of ideas um muggles don't watch horror films because they're scared. Excuse me? Muggles. I feel like this is a reference to someone. Muggles. This doesn't feel like... Don't... No, no, just anybody.

This could count on anybody that's listening. Muggles don't watch horror films because they get scared. And what have you based this on? Just some people I found out recently don't watch a horror movie because they don't want to be scared. Even though Stephen King's It is a wonderful movie.

Tremendous acting. I mean, it's from a great book. It's a great, it's a fucking great movie. But on an arm, I'm scared. Make it a truth.

So this is in reference to me not watching scaly movies? Yeah. No? Well, I mean, you're in Muggle Corner for it if that's what you're asking. They're scaly? They're called scaly movies yeah no well I mean you're in Muggle Corner for it if that's what you're asking

they're scaly they're called scaly movies except for the scaly movies those are funny but I just don't get it it's just a good movie no I don't doubt it what do you think

the fucking clown's going to be under your bed when you get down there grow up you had to fucking sleep with the light on after a book aye

she got rid of oh no sorry sorry sorry sorry it was when you were reading the book that's when I read it

nah like if I'm going in the corner for movies you're going in the corner for fucking books no because I'll put myself through the fear

I have oh you're saying oh right I have left the light on right and if that's a muggle corner that's for a different day right i have slept with the light on because i fucking freaked me sell out from reading gerald's game right so if i watch it am i not in the corner or is this

just my general attitude to skinny movies if you just fucking like pull yourself up by your fucking socks mate watch a fucking scary movie deal with the repercussions that go through your soul no and become a better bit toughened by it. You fucking weakling. You meek man. Because I like the fact that I don't get scared that often in real life and it's because I'm able to rationalise

everything, right? When I'm able to rationalise stuff even in fucking scary situations like it's like when I got headbutted like I didn't fucking punch by, I was just like rationalising what's fucking going on I can rationalise things if I'm scared or if I'm fucking worried I can talk myself out of it right but see if I give my fucking imagination

a place to be like this guy's about to punch you but also maybe ghosts exist like I just don't need it in my life you're scared of it? you're a closet homosexual excuse me? you're like a closet homosexual. Excuse me? You're like a

I said don't tell me. I don't. Right. Okay. First of all Dick move right. You know I'm

scared of movies. Don't tell me there's homosexuals in my closet. Clowns under your bed. Oh no it's just Rhys Nicholson

in the closet. So yeah I just think like you just watch the film everyone's recommended it you know it's gonna be good I know but I just

I know I won't enjoy it's like it's like you like food fucking Gene really likes food you scared me today when you were mad at us

like I really wish did you just go Gene likes food oh yeah I'm doing the Gene jokes you like like I wish I liked

a lot more food I wish I wasn't as picky as I am right and I do push myself a lot I wish you weren't

but sometimes I try the fucking thing I'm like I'm going to try this I'm going to try this new thing and I just go this is still genuinely disgusting to me

so I know what I'm like I'm just like maybe I'll prove myself I'll watch this skinny movie and I'll just no shit myself for six days. Paranormal activity fucked me up because ghosts aren't allowed to exist during the day, right?

You've got to shift what you do during the day, right? That movie fucked me up because I was like, no, fucking, this is awful, right? During the day, fucking, they're chasing the ghosts and then at night, the ghost is chasing them after they've had food.

It's like fucking Pac-Man yeah you go into the kitchen all the cupboard doors are open aye rude oh no

my worst fears I've got to tidy up get me mum around were you born in a barn fucking skeletons your room it is like a scary

movie I mean I'll accept it it is an absolute it's proper muggly isn't it aye because if other people did that

because you know as well I remember I read The Shining and I ended up in a hotel where I walked past I can't even remember what the room number is

it's like 218 or something in the book I don't know I had walked past that room and took a glance and I'm like three quarters way through and I get in my room and I put't know, I had to walk past that room, I fucking took a glance, and I'm like, fucking three quarters way through, and I get in my room,

and I put the light on, get into my room, and the light goes off, but starts blinking, and I'm in the middle of reading The Fucking Shining, and I'm dealing with this shit, I've just walked past the door

with the number on, and none of it means shit, right, but I got across and tell the desk, right, and then got back to my room, and the fucking,

with my phone light on, in the room. And then you get back to the room, and someone in there goes, the receptionist has been dead for ten years the fucking caretaker

shows up which is obviously going to happen the caretaker the caretaker is the fucking dude in the shower you're not

fucking shit up and I just dealt with that like a fucking man and also right so you were so

nervous after that you went for a shit and it was like that bloody scene out of the fucking elevator I've not seen the movie oh well loads of blood

comes out of an elevator I've read it yeah I know so why did I have to explain the reference because I'm being pretentious pretentious like

purposely like if you can send I don't think that's the word you meant I think pretentious it is isn't it like I read the book

like I'm coming over the top of the movie even though it wasn't necessary to do so. Right. Yeah. Anywho. Yeah, that goes in Muggle Corner. All right, I'll give you that. We've got chemistry for days here.

It's me. Go on then. Right, we've touched on this one. Points to Dick. Stage notes. Muggles support their local art centres. Oh, you've been brutalised by those fuckers. Like, there's always places and I feel...

Still kind of like me, those guys. I feel so sorry for fans that come to Art Centre gigs because some Art Centre rooms will fill half of, so it'll be midweek or it'll be a 300 seat room because it's quite a fucking big time, but they'll have the Art Centre and you get 50% genuine fans who've seen me before, want to come see the show,

and then you get 50% of people over the fucking age of 50 who have nothing to do right they're just there like it's our local arts centre and they're like we're going to give back to the community

we want to keep this going I saw the post there he looks like a really good magician oh yeah he looks dead sweet and we like comedy oh we loved fucking you know Joe Brand

and we loved all all Mrs Brown Boys I didn't mean to compare Joe Brand to Mrs Brown Boys I know she's a great comedian that was just she's actually one of my inspirations

and then they'll just take a do not take a fucking risk on my show like I really want to call the show please don't which to be fair should have been the name of this year's show considering the context please don't bless this

so yeah you've been getting a lot of Art Centre supporters coming just to be in the room to support what I was on. The people that are swearing, and it's not their fault. Well, I mean, it is their fault, but it's like, it's just, they're the worst gig,

and there's nothing I can do about it because I'm not going to not swear and I'm not going to change the show because I need to make sure, if I pandered that show, if I walked out on stage and all of them were fucking old cunts and I was like

I could rip a gig to old people I've got enough material right to do nicer friendlies cheeky stuff have a bit of a fucking flirt and what not

you're too cold you're too cold to appeal to old people too because if they're not liking your material they're not going to get any warmth off you they're not going to walk away going oh well he was a lovely man yeah

well yeah because I've got that fucking persona of the arrogance but the other thing as well is the reason i do that as well is because i don't want them coming back like i'm the reason i don't change material and i don't change my set and i do it in the same way is because like when that show goes well i'm like these are my fucking fans yeah these are the ones that like me so i don't want trimming the head yeah just trimming the heart like i don't need to fucking sell out arenas uh that's not what I want.

I want to make sure that whenever I tour, it's people that have seen me every fucking year. I've always said, like, this is... I'm going to pay a compliment. So for all the respect of you, is that you've got a big audience from Russell Howard's Good News, Michael McIntyre's Roadshow,

when you were 19, and you had an audience of, like, young people who wanted, like, basic level shit, and you didn't pander to them. And if you pander to them I think you could have been like fucking right in the public eye in front of them all the time but the fact you were like oh no this isn't the

audience I want I want to play it at their parents I yeah thank you but yeah no genuinely it's because like I can't imagine doing comedy I didn't enjoy and because I love comedy like I want to do that fucking stuff that you know Bill Burr and fucking

Mike Birbiglia and stuff all the comics I love obviously they're my inspiration so you want to make sure Jim Jefferies does the same thing like just make sure that he doesn't tone it down

and for so many years I did he still gets walkouts when I've seen him in his tour show I'm like what have you fucking what do you think

you've signed up for like people walk out of Frankie Ball shows and it's like how at this point do you not know what you think you've signed up for People walk out of Frankie Ball shows And it's like how at this point Do you not know what you're coming to That's what I want to That point that clearly doesn't exist I want to get to the point where I can't gig anywhere

And I just know you'll all get this Yeah a room full of your people And also even people that like me from television Coming to see me live Because my last three shows have been pretty fucking dark. The ones that have come every year, the Lloyds, they're fully on board from the start because I can go in dark

straight away. I don't have to set the audience up, I can just go in my fucking routine. But you've sanitised your stuff a little bit to put it on TV. Yeah, so people who even see me on TV because it's fucking cut down, they'll come see me live and they'll adapt. Most of them do, but they'll go, Jesus, that's different from the television.

You know, we had that at Punchdrunk when we had Deliso Chaponda on, who's been at... Britain's Got Talent. He's been at Punchdrunk over the years, and he's went at Britain's Got Talent, come back to do Punchdrunk, but dragged in a whole new audience of people that saw him on Britain's Got Talent,

doing his... Friendly. His family-friendly material. You can sit there with your daughter and your mum and your grandad and watch it with the whole family and then they come to the gig

and everyone on the bill including Deliso is all like filth and potty mouth I think it's yeah good people adapt to it, like I've always noticed you want the ones that, like, you want the ones that adapt because next year I want to come back

and say something very different and probably harsher. Yeah, let me get away with this. What? Comedy is pushing the boundaries. What else can I get away with? Sorry to go completely an early comedy nerd on the podcast,

but you know what? Fuck it, you get some serious moments of points. So we're going to do... So that's in Muggle Corner. People that support the local arts centre without knowing what they're going to say. It's in Muggle Corner people that support the local arts centre without knowing what they're going to say it's actually quite sweet

that they're doing it but they are Muggles this is one of them situations it's not malicious it's not bad and it's not a bad quality just from different worlds

there's nothing wrong with it but they are Muggles it's just a Muggle thing it's not bad it doesn't hurt anyone apart from me because I threw you under the bus

with the last one with the horror films I'm going to throw me and our best I threw you under the bus with the last one, with the horror films, I'm going to throw me and our best man, Matty, under the bus with this one. Muggles put tons of kisses at the end of texts. And when I've seen Matty on, right, I'm talking like a full page of them at the end of every text.

Like, even when it's conversational. It's just, I've seen the amount he sends to his girlfriend, and honestly... I don't know, it was to you. That's what I said. Honestly, there's so many fucking exes. Like, just, if you showed a fucking pirate Matty's text, they'd come. They'd be like, fucking hell. You know, as well, he uses a shortcut, so he doesn't have to type them all out.

So he just has to press XX and it comes up like 30 X's or something. And I'm like, that takes the sentiment even away from it. Do you know why he's got that shortcut on it, though? It's because he was sick typing in XXX tube coming up. So it's just like...

So he just thought... Did I ever tell you this? When I was on my laptop, I typed www.po and podbean come up before pornhub. Oh, God. That's because you use private browsing. I don't. No, really?

That's a risky game. Why? Either that or you mess it up. What are you looking at oh you know dark net stuff I always think that if like Natalie

can't say digging through me porn that's like fucking leaving me down with what I'm into it's like

leaving a shopping list on the fridge it's like it's like it's like when she leaves magazines open like hinting

like things she wants for a party you just start leaving porn tabs open she just fucking logs on to her laptop and just goes

oh alright you can have a night with the boys I'll say two people isn't enough so what was the muggle corner again the kisses on the text

right I think I sometimes like occasionally sign off on them like to mates do you know the only reason Matty has that

many kisses at the end right it's like you know how fucking soldiers have their you know whatever the soldiers have their, you know, whatever the fucking thing is, 37 confirmed kills, or whatever

it is, right? Matty's signs off with his one, but it's how many exes he has who have got his house. Oh, this is a cold-blooded backstory. Matty has had two major breakups out of each customer house.

He's meant to play Monopoly against. Because he's always staying in a hotel. He's only got one boot. He's going to jail he's moved to London he has so yeah

putting kisses like fucking just bombarding kisses like just think to yourself when you do that in a conversation kissing them alright so we're both in the to yourself When you do that In a conversation Kissing them Alright so we're both

In the corner Because we both do that Oh shit fuck Right Should we go on To dad jokes Aye Aye go on

I'll roll this after Let's just plough through Your mum So wait On tour first Yep So this comes out On Wednesday

So I'll put it out Yeah Yeah Don't This comes out on Wednesday So tonight I'll put it out yeah yeah don't this comes out on Wednesday so tonight if you were in Leeds

and I know we have fans in Leeds so either you're already coming and I'll see you there or you've panicked and gone oh shit

so Leeds Wednesday the 11th on Thursday we're in Corby on Friday we're in Bristol on the 14th we are in Jersey and then on Sunday we're off and then next Monday which I'll have a the 14th we are in Jersey. And then on Sunday we're off.

And then next Monday, which I'll have a two-podcast by, we are on tour in Europe. And God knows how many European listeners we have. I know we have some, but it's probably not a lot. Yeah, they can't understand anything I say. Yeah, yeah. Right, but let's go through those Muggle corners just to confirm them.

Right. Muggles, a Muggle invented the average confirm them right Muggles a Muggle invented the average speed camera that was more just a little fucking pub quiz and we threw a few Muggles in the corner as well for good measure

Muggles support their local art centre yes and Muggles won't watch scary movies because they're scary I can't stand in the corner

it's dark and Muggles also just bombard the kisses on the text what you're doing kissing all right i'm gonna start stupid i wrote these while high surprise surprise your dad has invented a new uh dating app right where it's just pictures of your mum and you swipe right if you like them and left if you don't and it's called linda your dad wheel spins his

Vectra in Aldi Car Park. Your dad has invented I've done that one. You smelled like piss for the first week of your life because your dad thought the tradition was to go home and wet the baby's bed.

Doesn't explain why you're reek of piss now though. Your dad took a sick day at work so he could play Beehive Bedlam on the Sky Remote. That's a great reference. Is that the old fucking... It wasn't even Sky, was it? It was the Sky Remote.

Was it the Sky... Jesus Christ. You just... Honestly, that joke, right, I didn't laugh Sky, was it? It was the Sky remote. Was it the Sky? Jesus Christ. You just, honestly, that joke, right? I didn't laugh because I was just transported out of my own head back to being nine years old at my gran's house. Jesus Christ. We had time on a sick day. You kind of watched telly. Your dad sends dick pics to Natalie

Of not his dick And not your Natalie Your dad dips his head in the rain barrel And blows the moisture off his lips like a horse You know how some people like me Can open bottles with their teeth? Your dad can open a can of tuna with his arms. Explains the smell.

Oh, the tuna doesn't come out, just the can. Your dad takes his bra off the minute he gets into his hotel room. And mine. With his teeth. From the front. Your dad joined UKIP after the madras he ordered was too spicy. What the fuck is this?

Your dad wipes his feet on his chest instead of the doormat when he enters the house. From the standing position. Your dad joined ISIS after UKIP got a bit sweary. I like that one. Your dad takes Anselma's bags on his grocery shop so when he's walking home

he looks like a legend that doesn't sound like an insult he looks like a legend your dad dressed as a tree in the school play but it was a play

about the moon landings I was just reminiscing about Buzz Aldrin's Groovy your dad tried to fertilise the bonnet whenever your dad hears his Nokia 3310 ringtone he yells

absolute tune makes a tea with his forearms. Knuckle the forearm. Your dad kisses you goodnight at random points in the day when you don't even get to bed. It's just dropping hints. Your dad dresses up as Princess Leia Oh, he misses her?

Your dad keeps texting us Asking if I've got his LinkedIn invite Your dad's got a mouth like a wizard's sleeve Your dad needs to powerjerk the box Your dad auditioned to be a guess who face but missed out because it was possible

to win in one question if you asked does he look proper sad? Your dad's sky planners are 99% from recording the 10 minute free views and he only hasn't watched them

because he's playing behind Bethlehem. are 99% from recording the 10 minute previews and he only hasn't watched them because he's playing Beehive Bedlam so just before we go we'd like to thank our sponsors Beehive Bedlam we'll bring it back it's a grassroots

movement the comeback to Beehive Bedlam is coming up this year fucking detox but we'll be back on Thursday sorry for the're coming back some Beehive Bedlam's coming up this year. Fucking detox. But we'll be back on Thursday.

Sorry for the late podcast. I've been Beehive. He's been Bedlam. Hashtag Hashtag Beans.