Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.6 Knocky Door Ginger

Episode Date: October 12, 2017

Thursday morning podcast on a Thursday, childishness caused the podcast to be taken down but we are back on track and podding out of Leeds, discussing the wonderful nude portrait Jean's mam made for muggins. You may also get your horoscopes read out, it's not looking great!

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Oh, in the same seats. That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

You know what they say, don't you? I don't want it. You know what they say, don't you? You can't judge a Muggins by its cream. Muggins speaks louder than cream. Why is there two? It should be only one. You didn't seem impressed by the first one, I thought.

Oh, boy. The second one was suddenly going to fucking switch me over to it. I thought I'd give you a second harvest. So, there was a scary moment there. The podcast was down. Aye, we went down on Podbean. You went down. And a bunch of people told us on Twitter,

and obviously we just thought, people are fucking morons. Fucking, do you want us to come around your house and download it for you too? And then I found out. And then it turns out they were right. It was my fault. I almost did what I did to Juno the Pen.

Just go over to their house and just put... Pay a subscription again. Yeah, go over there, fix it online, and be like, it's been there the whole time. Fucking idiots. So what had happened is... This is weird, because I thought it was direct debit, but it was actually, you know,

when you type in the long number off your card and the three digits from the back. So it was on a repetitive subscription from that. But I went playing Knock Your Door Ginger when I was drunk. You, I beg your pardon? Playing Knock Your Nine Doors. Excuse me? Chapdoor Run.

There we go. Chapdoor Run, is that what you call it? Yeah. Fuck off. Chapdoor Run. Chapdoor Run, call anything other than Knock Your Door Ginger and yeah, you're not a person. Wait, why is it?

Knock Your Door Ginger. Who's Ginger? You are. I don't know, it doesn't matter. Do I call it Knock Your Door Blonde? other than knocky door ginger and yeah you're not a person wait knocky why is it knocky door ginger who's ginger you are I don't know it doesn't matter do I call it knocky door blonde it's probably because

you're knocking on ginger people's houses oh look a friend oh my friends are here that's how we met oh no it's all two treats wait

so knocky door ginger I absolutely don't think it's called that everywhere in the world at all well your twitter's about to blow up. We'll just go, yes it is.

There we are. Tweet us for this. Tweet us now. What did you use to call Chapter 1, which is... Right, hold on. I've also realised I've missed the entire context of the story. You were playing it the other day. Hi. How old are you? 34. Where and why? I was playing out. I was playing out with Elliot. So you and

Elliot. 20 year old. 34 year old man and a 20 year old playing knock your door ginger. Where? Why? Nottingham. I was lost. So you just thought You'd knock on every single door It's just my house It was actually a month ago Right It was last month I'd done the We've got a punch drunk

In Nottingham now Yeah so you set up The punch drunk there So Elliot still I remember this Because I remember You were out drinking Because I got a bunch

Of messages from you both Oh do you know what it's about Being like Oh I miss you so much And you know the usual Do you know what I did I went I went to send a video Of us playing Knock Your Door Ginger to you lot. Yeah.

To Comedians WhatsApp group. Yeah. I sent it to the Knock Them Punch Front group, because that was the last people I'd been messaging. Yeah. And my dad's in it. So I sent my dad a picture in the middle of the night, a video of us in the middle of the night,

and I thought it was from the way. He was living in a proud, proud man. Why were you playing it? Right. We ran out of provisions at the house,

right? Right. So, what's your plan? To knock on people's houses and ask if they have booze

and then run away before they answer? So, like, okay. It's got to be an alley garage where I can get some tabs, right? So this actually last time I smoked

as well. Like properly. Apart from last night. I had some in Spliff. Aye. I had a couple off garrafs the other week. Not that I wanted to smoke, I just wanted to rob them. Needed to remind him who his boss.

Prison currency. That's my nickname for him, prison currency. I just buckled because he was there with tabs and that. I had another tab in a couple of weeks. So I had a couple. But this is like after the fringe, I decided to get healthy again, stop smoking all the time. So I went to this all all night garage, found one

on Google Maps and we got there and then once we got them, we'll come out and turn the opposite direction to the way we came. This does not surprise me at all, you have the worst sense of direction in the world and I'm not surprised to find out that

Elliot Steele, the person who's so bad at spelling, he claims to be dyslexic, but I've spoken to his dad and he's not dyslexic. He's just thick as shit. So true. Elliot Steele, the other day in the WhatsApp group, spelled out the word juxtaposition.

Three separate words. The real juxtaposition. Three separate words. The real juxtaposition between us all. It's just like, excuse me, you think I'm... Like in one go, it didn't tweet go viral because it said die of BTs.

Yeah, die of BTs. Die of BTs. And it was like a real life version of that. That one? Lactose intolerant. Oh my God, he's so dumb right

so me and fucking dumb nuts were walking the opposite direction and then I was like nah we definitely didn't walk past the lorry depot

like I'm bad at directions but I reckon I know my lorries I reckon I'd remember walking past the lorry depot right

because you always get excited when you see lorries so I'm there at the lorry oh shit right there's a red lorry a yellow lorry a red lorry depot right because you always get excited when you see lorries so I'm there at the lorry oh shit alright there's a red lorry a yellow lorry

a red lorry a yellow lorry I saw the lorries and I was like nah Elliot we didn't he was like we're dead man it's just down here it's just up there

and I fucking took his word for it and I fucking followed him and then we put on google maps and realised we went the opposite direction for like twice a game so we're like half an hour away from home

so on the way back you decided to split the time in half by knocking on people's doors and running away oh it's going to get it's going to take ages to come back

and I was like not if I do this and then I ran knocked on the door and we were fucking sprinted oh I'm on the field I can't screw you like you know

you just knock on someone's door in the middle of the night you realise you just fucking probably fucked up someone's sleep like

dick move 100 like dick move 100% dick move right I was munted and er for fucking hammers on the door and like

the fear of getting caught like that you used to put yourself through this as a kid because you can't explain yourself

because what you're doing is unjustifiable I'm unjustifiable scaring the kids in bed scaring people in your kids in bed. Scaring people in the middle of the night

for no reason. For no reason so they can get home quick. Sort of fucking pegging it and then you start taking your foot off the gas a bit and realise that no one's going to

really catch you now and it's the day they deserved it. If they're getting through the stairs out the door through this part of the street

and then fucking Elliot just runs in starts fucking rapping on the next door and we'll fucking start running again we've done that all the way

took a couple of selfies and then I realised that I'd put my card in my hoodie pocket right fucking left it a little calling card knock knock knock

open it up oh a bank card oh thanks just wondering how I'd make it a payday start touching tapping everything Knock, knock, knock Opening up Oh, a bike Oh thanks I was wondering how I'd make it a payday Start touching, tapping everything I am glad So you did get instant karma Yeah

I hope so Yeah that happened But I realised immediately And cancelled my card online You're an absolute chode of a man So when I cancelled my card The next time the payment went to come off It didn't come off It didn't come off Because it's a different card now So Pod cancelled my card, the next time the payment went, it came off.

It didn't come off. It didn't come off because it's a different card now. So Podbean went down. I didn't even know we paid for it. Podbean went down because I played Knock Your Door, Ginger. So for those of you that missed Monday's podcast, which came out on Wednesday, and wanted to know why it wasn't up, it's because my co-host is a nine-year-old child.

up, it's because my co-host is a nine-year-old child. Thank you. Like, have you been doing prank phone calling people as well? Just halfway back. Do we ever see more butts? So anybody

that's been listening... I can't remember the last childish thing I did, apart from that kid I fucked. That's not childish. I'm just acting childish you never fucked as a kid wait was that pitched as an insult

you never you never fucked as a kid yeah fucking kids isn't a kiddy thing to do it's definitely an adult thing to do kids never fuck kids

that is true probably yeah like fucking kids it's not childish yeah to be fair but it's really horrible to picture.

It's an adult thing to do. It's not. Like, don't ever say fucking kid. No, but you can't be a pedo and a kid. Fuck, I'm sounding like I'm doing one wee bit. Like, because then you're just being a kid. I mean, you're not. You're being a sexually active kid.

All right. But it's like when you don't update your... There's certain points when you have to stop masturbating to certain memories. Like, I lost my virginity when I was 16 and I was like,

I can't really wank over that anymore. I could when I was like 18, 19. That was probably still acceptable. But, like, I'm 27 now, I can't fucking. Yeah,

I've said that. I'm glad I didn't get sexually active until I was like, the age of consent, even though I tried drastically. Right? Because then, like,

now if you'd done it at 13, you'd have the memory of a 13-year-old. That'd be in there. Fuck that. You did. Actually, I was speaking there, and I said about the school nurse.

When I'd done the one idea, I went to the school nurse to talk about getting Tracy pregnant she just randomly texted us the other day but there was a comedy club in her area

and they're struggling to get numbers in so what do me and Gav do to get people through the door and stuff so I ended up like bringing up that I'd just been talking about

on the podcast and she reminded us that she said to the school nurse that she told her mum she'd come on a period. And a man bollocked her for being disgusting. How the fuck did our parents not get a visit? You've knocked up a girl and her parents are telling her off for having a period.

They're like, oh, welcome to Blythe. So, yeah, that happened. My ear still hasn't unpopped from episode one. I don't care. What? Mightier hasn't, like, have I gone deaf in one ear? Like, because that's what, if it's popped, that supposes that it's going to unpop, right?

But have I just gone deaf? Do you reckon you've just bust the hymen in your ear and it doesn't grow back hope not are they fucking times have you done anything because you keep your fucking ass have you done anything to help your ear other than finger it while talking to me about how bad your ear is or is that the only message I sometimes put my palm on and try and make a seal and then pull my palm away real quick oh yes, science I sometimes get my finger right in and they pop it

as if I'm going to pop my mouth oh yeah, what? I can't believe you just did that for those of you that can't work out what just happened, Guy, instead of miming, fingered his ear in as an example.

And his next example is to pop his mouth and just shoved Shrek's candle directly into his mouth. I wish I'd done that that I'm glad you weren't talking about prostates it tastes like MDMA MDMA and earwax why you do MDMA through your ear sometimes when you have

a bomb and it fucking unravels in your mouth you're like that's what I tasted like dude just FYI so your finger in your ear and then it just comes

out your mouth and you're like hold on there should be something between there. So yeah, I've tried to get me knuckling and doing it up and down. That makes the Pac-Man noise, have you seen this? I saw that online ages ago, that if you put your knuckling in your ear and wiggle it up and down, it makes a sound effect off Pac-Man. Oh, life hack. If you're trying that at home, ha ha bug.

No, genuinely, it works. Do it at the right pace. Oh life hack If you're trying that at home Ha ha bug No genuinely It works No Do it at the right pace You're fucking going hell for leather Pac-Man goes hell for leather You think he's going Waka waka waka No he's waka waka waka

Yeah it does that Put your knuckle in it yeah Is it doing it? No Put the mic near it People at home try it Let us know on Twitter. Right.

And also let me know how to fix my ear. Probably go to Boots and get some drops. There was another one, which is, I think if you do... What are you doing? You just wrote something with your finger on the duvet. There's another one. I think it's like, if you write down two plus two or something, it sounds like chim chiminy chim chiminy chim chim charoo.

Oh really? I don't know. I can't remember it. I mean they were lame weren't they? People listen to this podcast. It's not our fault. We were doing this anyway just thought we'd record it. Last night we were in St Andrews

and I got a gift. I was knocked at the door and the lady that worked at the venue just went, there's a delivery for you, and it was a box without an address on it, so it had been given to her by someone in the audience. Aye, and we're so unfamous that there's no part of that that could be a threat. Like, see, if you went to Rihanna's fucking concert And just dropped off a box It was like give this to Rihanna That box is never making it to Rihanna

Until it goes through a thousand security texts Poison text Where it's about times like Somebody left you cakes And the cakes are already in her mouth Being like fuck I hope nobody hates us So yeah this box arrives It's from a lady upstairs

The lady turned out to be Jean's mum, Shirley Young. Hi. And I opened the box, and it was a canvas painting. Of you tied up in our old car. Of me hog-tied in a Renault Clio. Hi. Now, to give context for this, you did ask Shirley to paint a picture, because in our house we've already got a painting of me

you and Jean I don't think I asked I didn't ask she said she was going to do it for my birthday

so on my birthday she was like I'm hoping to get through to the French so I can give you a picture but she never got through to the

French she lives in Fife so I was like oh how sweet of you to make this picture I didn't know what it was going to be and obviously

you put this online and people were like why on God's green earth has she painted you tied up So I was like, oh, how sweet of you to make this picture. I didn't know what it was going to be. And obviously you put this online and people were like, why on God's green earth has she painted you tied up in a boot but naked? Yeah, and I didn't put on the, there was an original photo. Yeah, there's an original photo. There's an original photo of me hog-tied in the boot. Which comes from about four years ago, we thought it would be funny if all of Jean's boy friends,

slut, if all of Jean's male friends, we made her a nude calendar of all of Jean's boy friends slut, if all of Jean's male friends we made her a nude calendar of all of us, so you, me, Ali and Biebs did a bunch of really classy nude photos. There was one of you, me, drinking wine and playing chess by the fire. There was one of us all working out. There was one of me on the toilet

with some toilet roll with tomato ketchup on so it looked like I'd weighed blood and you were holding my hand and looking really concerned. Yeah. There was one of me and Biebs, we went to one of the biggest mountains in New Zealand, got butt naked at the top. Oh, Gav was in it as well, back. Yeah.

I'm worried about him. Are you worried about him? Yeah. I'm worried about Gav, he's not eating. So, he's fucking ripped to shreds. It looks great. So, yeah, Gina's mum is not a pervert. Well, she might be.

Who knows what she's into. But off of this, she's not. You can't base her as a pervert off of this. I bet she had a belt at the time when she was drawing me arse, though. That's a sweet, sweet arse. And she's like, what, like 60-odd? Yeah, I mean, I've never checked how you're arsed, but I'm just going to go off my assumption.

I mean, if I was a 60-year-old bloke drawing, like, a voluptuous hottie's young bud. Like, sweet bud. Just, no, you can't. You wouldn't be loving that shit. No, I'm not letting you drag Jean's mum's name through the mud. She drew a naked picture of it. She's fucking, she might be old, she's not senile enough to find you attractive.

That fucking paintbrush in one hand, other hand down her pants. That's where she dragged. Shelley, if you're listening to this, I'm so, so sorry. Yeah, and so grateful. I know he's not acting like it.

I am, I am grateful. It's a wonderful picture. It's a grateful. It's actually the detail and it's amazing. It's fucking blew me mind when I took the photo. I was like, what the fuck? It's brilliant. photo. It's actually the detail. It's amazing. It's fucking blew me mind. I took the photo. I was like, what the fuck?

It's brilliant. I think as well, now that we've mentioned the calendar, do you know where the photos are? We had a WhatsApp group, but I think it's gone. I think we might have lost them photos forever, right? No, I mean, Gene's still got the calendar. Because I was thinking we could sell them. A Muggers and Cream nude calendar. a Muggins and Cream nude calendar?

A Muggins and Cream nude calendar. I can honestly tell you, those will sell less than the Team Muggins shirts. Like, in what world? Right, well, I'll do a nude calendar, and you do a nude calendar. And we'll see who... We'll see who's team Muggins

and who's team Cream. Right, that could be after the shirt competition. That should be before the new year. Oh, I guess it should. But when are we going to... I haven't got time

to get into shape before, do I? Oh, aye. I had to go to small photos. I'll just Photoshop myself on bodies that clearly aren't mine. Whales and snakes. Everyone will recognise

by my tattoos oh yeah there's really discernible tribal tattoos that not every other fucking Geordie in the world has it's just you and your tribe you dumb cunt I've got a tribe

we've discussed this I've got a tribe of working class people that make bad decisions I don't have much to talk about because we did the podcast last night apart from we did

leads today and that was that was a great gig today that was really nice one Ed we had a bunch of people

who listened to the podcast who afterwards always call us Muggly Scream and by the way that is twice today

so I was like I don't want to be real Muggly but I really enjoy the podcast and I do feel like I have to tell these people

look it is absolutely Muggly but it also makes us Muggly, but I really enjoy the podcast. And I do feel like, I have to tell this people, look, it is absolutely muggly, but it also makes us muggly for how much we enjoy those compliments. Oh, I love them so much. Like, see, when someone comes up and calls me cream, I'm just like, yeah, you're a friend. Yeah, like, nice to anyone,

anywhere, like, but you just light up especially when someone calls you cream. Yeah, if you want us to talk to you for a couple of more seconds and not plough through, like, if you come up and you're just like, can I get a photo? I'm like, you don't listen to podcasts, you're nothing to me to you for a couple more seconds and not plough If you come up and you're just like, can I get a phone? I'm like, you don't listen to podcasts, you're nothing to me

And I can say that because they don't listen to this podcast If they do That's not them And if you say, I'm a fan of the podcast I'll absolutely blow you What? We've got another game to add in Yeah, so

We're trying to bring back old games, if you've got any suggestions of games, because fuck me, we've run another game to add in yeah so we're trying to bring back old games if you've got any suggestions of games because fuck me we've run out of ideas as you've noticed we've only been doing this podcast for five episodes and now we're fucking fresh out of stuff obviously horoscopes are bullshit regardless of what your opinion on that is you can believe in horoscopes

but that doesn't make them true you are just an idiot there is no science behind it, there's no fact behind it it's all utter bollocks I'm not saying, right, planets being in different places and like the moon doesn't affect the fucking sea or what not here's something noteworthy

if you're born in September in England you've got to be one of the oldest in your school so that's probably going to affect your life a little bit, like you were born in September. You're talking about Malcolm Gladwell's... If you were born in, say, February, that means...

Youngest in the year. No, I'm trying to think of like... So you're born in the summer, so when like... No. I don't know what I'm talking about. If you're born in February, you're born in the summer, so when... I don't know what I'm talking about. If you're born in February, you're born in winter. If you're born in the start of the summer,

the spring, your first few years of life are going to be in the sunshine. Years? That's probably going to affect... Oh, man, I'm getting it all wrong. No, I'm trying to... I'm literally telling you, there's a book that goes into great detail about what you're discussing

and it's by Malcolm Gladwell what does he know? oh he actually researched it as opposed to being like right the first few years of your life will be the sun because you're born in July

because you're born in February can't none of it make sense stop talking Game of Thrones so we thought we would come up with our own star

what was the word? horoscopes horoscopes for people out there. And these are just as accurate as any other horoscope. We've done the same amount of research, the same amount of training, these are as accurate as any horoscope that exists.

So, listen up Capricorns. 69 is your unlucky number because your partner has a proper rancid crotch and it's their birthday. Invest in breath mint. Is that Capricorn? No. Stand in the corner for 30 seconds.

You're Capricorn. You muggle. Scorpio. While walking on the pavement towards a mother with a pram, with three drains to their left and a busy road on the right, a Scorpio will happily throw themselves in front of traffic rather than face the embarrassment of obstructing the lady or incur the bad luck from passing on the side with the three drains.

Well, Scorpios are misinformed. It's actually two drains that are bad luck, and you've been flippantly walking over those for years. Because of this, you're going to forget your makeup bag on your next holiday, you're going to pick up two left football boots next time you play footy, and you're going to get seated in between two groups of teenagers next time you eat at Wagamama's alone. Sucks to be them. Who was that for?

That was their, Scorpios. Well, Taurus. If you were a Taurus, oh man, you are absolutely fucked. Honestly, I can't even get into the level of shit that's about to bukkake gangbang your personal life. It's almost as if Jupiter has it out for you, the shit that mad bitch

is up to right now. Honestly, don't leave the house. Everything is a trap. With the luck you're about to experience, you could fucking drown in the shower. Proper sucks to be you, mate. Who's that? Taurus. There's people there now going, Arnie, I'm a Taurus. Arnie, that's me.

Well, that may be you, but listen up, Pisces. Most people don't believe in their horoscopes. The majority of the rest understand that it's symbolism. But all Pisces fundamentally believe that they are actually fish. Despite all of the stacked evidence against, i.e. having legs, memories, sentient thought, pet fish. Animals. They shun this evidence.

You're putting slavery back. They shun this evidence simply because they get turned on by fish. And to admit anything other than being a fish would be shameful. If you get turned on by fish, you kind of be like, oh, I'm a human, I just get turned on by fish. Fucking weirdo. I'm a fish, I get turned on by fish. Oh, that makes sense.

So that's the only reason to do it. This also goes a way to explain why they keep pet fish. Evidence towards them being fish is that they smell the same. Some of them are prats. And they're usually seen hanging around schools. Sagittarius. Think you're fucking cool with your star sign? I can't spell.

Bet you fucking do. Your birthday is in November or December, which means you're the product of your star sign I can't spell, bet you fucking do your birthday is in November or December which means you're the product of a Valentine's Day nosh that got taken out of hand, fuck you you were in an attempt to save a dying marriage and all you did was burden your parents with the job of having to act in love because you're such a sensitive little bitch

you're going to win the lottery though so congrats but are you happy? tell your face Aries, this is going to be so familiar Congrats. But are you happy? Tell your face. Aries. This is going to be so unfamiliar. A lot of people mistake Aries for having learning difficulties or ADHD and dyslexia. This is an easy mistake to make, but the fact is they are simply stupid with no excuses.

Is Aries an Aries? Is Aries? I hope he's an Aries. He clearly is, based on this horoscope We live in a world where it's safer to assume Somebody has an affliction or offer them That as an excuse for their stupidity Don't be fooled by an Aries They're born with perfect mental resources

But are so shite at being people They've got us actually thinking there's something Holding them back and that they require additional Care or support You can spot them a mile off by their their passive-aggressive Facebook statuses. What star sign are you? I'm Cancer. Oh, star sign, sorry, I won't read that.

Cancer, I've talked about this on stage before, about, like, this is a reason why I can't get behind star signs, it's because mine's Cancer the Crab. Aye, and you don't want Cancer or crabs on your testicles. It's Cancer and crabs. Aye. I don't want any of them, bins. I'm Virgo, I don't get behind star signs because mine's cancer of the crab. Aye. And you don't want cancer or crabs on your testicles. It's cancer and crabs. Aye.

I don't want any of them. Bins. I'm Virgo. I don't know what he did. I'm AIDS. AIDS the scallop. I think Virgo is a woman?

Or a... I don't know. Virgo. Aye. Is he a fucking snooker player? Who? Virgo? John Virgo? He did the fucking Big Break. He did all it fucking Snooker Player? Who? Vago. John Vago.

He's done the fucking Big Break. He's done all the trick shot challenges on Big Break. He was better. Why are you standing up? He's doing a bit. Nah. It's because of when his jeans were riding up. Oh, right.

Hold on. Here we go. Virgo is the sixth sign of the Zodiac, to be exact. And that's the way Virgos like it. Sixth. Sixth. Exacting. Those born under this sign are forever the butt of jokes for being so picky and critical.

But their attention... That's me, I'm picky and critical. That's me. It's fucking so self-obsessed, isn't it? It's so self-obsessed. You don't want to cross a Taurus that always speaks their mind. Oh, that is me.

I'm speaking it new. Oh, look at this gun to cross a Taurus Always speak their mind Oh, that is me I speak my mind all the time I'm speaking it new Oh, look at this guy Such a Taurus Cancer traits Lumps in breasts Oh, no, wrong one Deeply intuitive And sentimental

Cancer can be one of the most challenging zodiac signs to get to know oh that is me you're a proper close book

you are that's me I really typically get it but once you're on side you'd rather be on the wrong side

because the wrong side was typical cancer me like those born with their son in cancer I won't make a joke there are very loyal and able to empathise

with other people's pain and suffering Said the guy that played chapter running now Man I'm so empathetic wake up you fucking nerds Yeah, I like being cancer like no no make us the lion It's a lion. I get behind that shit like why I'm a lion really fucking proud what's Natalie no no no

what's her sign what's Natalie because she's also oh she's Scorpio she's a free drain person she'll be listening I can't believe that is me actually

yeah oh no let's read what Natalie is then Scorpio is the eighth sign of the zodiac and shouldn't be taken lightly nor should Scorpio's she is sign of the zodiac and shouldn't be taken lightly nor should Scorpios

she is eight as well I reckon nine when she's done up those born under this sign are dead serious in their mission to learn about others I just hate them she doesn't know which country I'm in because Natalie's such a highly intelligent woman She doesn't know which country I'm in.

Because Natalie's such a highly intelligent woman for somebody that fucks you on the regs. That's a smart move. I mean, is it? She's just trying to claim me DNA, isn't she? She just wants to strongline the DNA. If she wants your DNA, she can just go to any fucking holiday inn that we've been to in the past four weeks

and fucking scrape it off the walls. I don't wank much when I'm travelling, actually. Oh, you're trying to say? I don't... I don't have much of a libido for it. You don't wank? Occasionally do. Sometimes I just, like, set myself up for one.

Set up some candles? I'll just go and... You know what? I've got a little bit of time to kill. Let's go and look for some... Man, I just... I'll just... I'll just go you know what I've got a little bit of time to kill let's go I'm looking for some man I just I'm just I'm looking for the perfect porn

I jerk out all the time on tour I'm just bored something to fill fucking ten minutes isn't it I went to I went to date with

the because I was where was I hungover Warwick aye I don't know it was something

about being hungover I just fucking just wanted to try and feel alive I just wanted to feel something so I went hungover, I just fucking wanted to try and feel alive. I just wanted to feel something. So I went and got into the toilet in the dressing room, but the light wouldn't, there was no light on, so you had to have the door open. I didn't want to risk fucking having a wank with the door open.

I had a wank in that toilet. Did you? Aye. And as well, I was really worried about, like, there's all these, like, as it was a disabled toilet where there's fucking cables and stuff, imagine you, like, nudged against a button. Fucking air pulling yourself. Fucking busting. All right, on air, all right. I just need help.

You've seen this thing. I've done that in the fucking sun shower before, you know. The what shower? I used to go on sun showers when I was... What the fuck's a sun shower? Like a standing up sunbed. Oh, okay. So I went on the sun showers when I was younger fuck's a sun shower like a standing up sun bed oh okay so I went on the sun showers when I was younger

when I was about like 20 so you used to go to sun and then you went to LA and realised it was cultural appropriation fucking went and put the fan on didn't I pulled the red

pulled the red string for the fan oh that's what cool is dude next thing you know I've got an audience I can't believe you used to fake tan and I can't believe that's not fake tan and I can't believe

that's not in my muggle corners fake tanning fake tanning like it's just like I've never

understood it I used to get my bronze on like spend five minutes underneath on beach but I don't understand like

people tan before they go on a holiday like I top up your tan but they go on a holiday like aye top up your tan but you go on a holiday like with

well you're a PCS motherfucker aye there's an option not to be but I don't mind it like I don't thank you

no cut your hair I don't do it your hair looks shit aye get it cut the only reason I don't now is because I don't want to

slowly kill myself did they kill you or I don't now is because I want to slowly kill myself. Do they kill you, or is that... It's weird, because I still smoke occasionally, and now that's going to wipe us out. So many options.

So many ways to kill yourself, it's probably best to just cut the options down a little bit, isn't it? Aye. So, that's kind of one of them.

I'm not a fussed about it. I'm not as vain as I used to be. Alright. I used to bleach my hair and cut out the sunbeds. Honestly, I would have fucking... I would have looked like Cisco. Cutting mad shapes on the dance floor. I would genuinely not be surprised if, like, fucking rummaged through childhood photos of you

that you went through, like, a DJ phase when you were 17 or 18. Oh Gav bought us decks for Christmas like. Oh my god that sounds like a new dad joke. He did, he bought us decks for Christmas. And you know what I did, I got the Eminem 8 mile thing. It was an instrumental of Lose Yourself On It and I rewrote that. Oh, God. And I made my own track. What about Blythe? I can't remember how it went, and I've got no footage of it. I can't take out a thorn, give you the... Oh, man.

You can't just fucking cock-tease me with the word... I'm gonna escape this circus, going round in circles, man. This routine's worthless. My roots are stuck, and soon as I unearth this, I'm right to the surface, and I'll fucking burst.

Watch me, something, this rap game. I don't this, I'm right to the surface, and I'll fucking burst. Watch me, something, this rap game, I don't know, something like that. Oh, man. But I had me, I would have been like,

fucking 17 with me Dex. I would have been a bit older than that, actually, because, 8-mail was out. Let's do the maths on that. I mean, let's not.

I think I would have been 21, 22. That's real sad. So, I just fucking had me Dex on, just spitting some bars. Oh, you're not making it

I was trying to make a career out of it. I'm an EG tip. Oh man. Alright. Speaking of muggles. You want to do first? Aye.

Aye. So Muggle Corner is Oh you had people walk out of your show because did we talk about that last night's podcast? Yeah, we did. Literally, we spoke about it last night. Did we actually?

Yeah. Wait, I can't find me Muggle Corner. I've just got two. I'm just going to do two. Is it... If you don't want to do two, that's fine. You can do two. Right, my first one is people getting excited about Christmas now. What's your guy against Christmas? You do this every year. You hate Christmas. No, I don't hate Christmas, but how are you?

You're a proper Grinch. Are you excited about Christmas now? I mean, not now, but... It sounds like you are. No. It sounds like you're excited about Christmas now. I hadn't thought about Christmas until you mentioned Christmas, but now you've mentioned Christmas.

I'm looking forward to it. I'm not excited about it. I can sleep. I don't know how many sleeps it is till Christmas. 11. Oh, I wish. I know it. I'm not excited about it. I can sleep. I don't know how many sleeps it is till Christmas. 11. Oh, I wish. I know it's 11 weeks. And I know that because someone put on Facebook,

11 weeks till Christmas. What the fuck? Why are we talking about it then if it's 11 weeks? Like, what have you got between now and then? Nothing. Like, if people are saying 11 weeks till Christmas. No. Is that 11 weeks of fucking jack?

But I feel like you are like me in the fact that zero thought goes into presents. The reason, because my mum's definitely in the corner for this, the reason my mum's excited about Christmas is because she starts... Because she's planning gifts now. Oh, because it's cheaper now. Like, if she starts buying the presents now, it's a third of the fucking price than if she does it then. So she does all of her Christmasmas shopping now so she sits there and you think about she gets a wrapping paper on the january sales she's a good she's a good mom so she's like right what do my

kids want what do my family family want what the friends want they'll like this they'll like this plan it now order it find out the best way to do it like she'll put real thought into things and i think through that we'll naturally get excited because you're like aww, but then again on explaining that it is fucking muggly yeah like it's good kindness but it's I just, I think to get excited

about it now it's, you're putting so much of a pedestal like you're just brushing over everything else that you've got between now and then my Christmas is, I love Christmas, my family do a proper one we get absolutely fucking shit can drunk mom cooks a big slap up meal and then you just get play the worst the absolute worst party games while you're all steaming and just it's the best you know i think i've hated it so much in previous years because it's like that corporate stranglehold where you're forced to buy gifts all right right

but i've been tackling debt and i'm like oh yeah but now i'm obliged to spend hundreds and hundreds of pounds i like i just want to clear my debt i don't want any gifts i just want like i just want to chip away at like i don't want to put me selling more damage i don't want to start the new year new year new me oh no year, me from fucking four months ago. Maybe you should get into painting and then start painting everyone's pictures. Stop making them. Sentimental shit.

Make your fucking dad one of those like world's best truth mugs. World's driest mug. Or just here's a mug you fucking mug yeah I always like I'd much rather like

because this is the thing that's why it's so expensive is that like I'll just rather do a grand gesture than put a lot of thought into it so I remember one time

when I bought Natalie an iPad because you'd be we'd run this by a cheat and she'd say reactions I bought an iPad

for her birthday and I was like that's well I hadn't even for her birthday. And I was like, that's... Well, I hadn't even been going out that long. Right. It was maybe her second birthday. That's a grand gesture. The iPad was also fairly new, so it was a decent price. A few hundred quid.

Right. She's probably just expecting something quite small. Yeah. Because she's quite... Small. Humble. She wouldn't expect anything big. I'll just leave that there.

I'll just let it hang there. In anticipation. So I was just like, this is a grand gesture. And then like, she was just like, oh no. It's just so soulless.

It's just so like, like no thoughts when I'm in that one. I've thought of it, I've thought, I'm willing to spend that much money on it. Aye. But it's like... And no thoughts I thought I'm willing to spend that much money on her aye

but it's it's like and you could do so much shit so I ended up buying this like fucking overpriced like crystal fucking it was it was like

like crystal glass with a heart in it it was from Brighton it was from one of the little side shops in Brighton like an overpriced paperweight basically with some sentimental shit on it

still by a bedside cabinet and it's like a nice enough gift, but I was looking at that guy. So I bought her that, and that's the bit where Gene was like, oh, well, see, that's nice. A fucking paperweight. You can use the iPad as a fucking paperweight if you want.

You can also use it to watch Netflix. Try watching Netflix on that fucking paperweight. I can download a paperweight app. I mean, I'll be honest with you, it's redundant. I bet the paperweight's not going to run any charge. The... it's redundant I have other people it's not going to run any charge the Jean I don't know

if it's a girl thing or if it is just like maybe because it would be very obnoxious for us to be like

it's clearly a girl thing basing this evidence on two girls we know the fact that we're like this but I know Jean likes

heading mail stuff she's in Australia and it's you know what I know where you're coming from because it's like, fuck you, I spent this much money. This is how I show love, is through finance and gestures.

The weird is, fuck me, the thoughtful gifts, way cheaper. Like, man, when Jean went over there, I sent her a care package in Australia, right? And it was just like, here's like, I got a bunch of home sweet home signs but just scrawled out home sweet home and just wrote the our address like so garrs group terrace sweet garrs group terrace just like home is where the heart is jk it's in scotland which i'm definitely

coming back to right dead fucking cheap things and then also gave her a little bunch of letters which was like open this uh when when you're feeling sad and I found $20 and it just went you know go buy yourself a bottle of wine and that'll fucking cheer you up right that was fortunately the first one she opened she'll be diving straight to it now

after the podcast but there was two more ones and I'm glad she opened the first because one of them was open up when you miss me and I'd just written out the lyrics to i miss you by blink 182 just where are you i'm just there spiders and then the other one was open this if you're feeling fat and it was ten dollars i went go buy some oreos you fat cunt see this is weird Because like You just give her money

It's faultless But she'd be happier That you put it in envelopes Put fault into it Than if you'd give her A hundred quid Aye I wouldn't

I know you wouldn't But I do think There is something Like I like the fact That you know And I've bought Gene nice things Over the years But I do get You bought me A Nintendo, I like the fact that, you know... And I've bought Gene nice things over the years, but I do get...

You bought me a Nintendo Switch. I bought you a Nintendo Switch. Fucking best gift ever. I would... As Gene will be gone, oh, but you could have made him a collage of photos. Oh, you could have put lipstick on and fucking kissed his coffee cup

and then got it set in resin. No? Could have got those chocolate butthole molds you get. Who knows? Chocolate butthole moulds you get Who knows Chocolate butthole moulds So you get a mould You make a mould of your butthole I'm not making this up

You get some fucking plaster up there Brings out a mould You send that away And then they fill it with chocolate And you can have like You just give people chocolate buttholes I wanna Yours would just be fucking donuts.

I want a jam. I got a, I want, like, a plaster mould thing. Like, you know, plaster... That's the most working class tombola I've ever heard. I want a plaster cast. I want a plaster cast butthole. Butthole? Yeah, I went to this fucking, like,

tombola. It was at one of the music festivals. They're acting all, like, post-disotopian. I think it was Bestival. It was, like, this post-disotopian fucking junkyard thing where, like,

the people that were running the tombola were acting like Mad Max type shit and they give you, like, bits of junk to throw into these fucking snapping mouths, metal mouths. And then I got three in and she went, here's your junk to throw into these fucking snapping mouths metal mouths and then i got three in and she went here's your price and give us this fucking keyring butthole

and i was looking at the detail on it and i was like i think that's actually a print like everything anyone's like drew that and they carved it you think it's that would have took a lot of doing i think it's like a fucking getting out of like an actual butthole press? I mean, is it romantic? To give someone a butthole? Aye. If I bought Jean 50 quid's worth of chocolate, or spent 20 quid

and put thought and effort into getting chocolate of my butthole molded, would she prefer that chocolate? What is it about wanting for to go into stuff like I totally understand is it like it validates you and stuff is it because it makes you like oh someone's

been thinking about me even though I'm totally with you I would always you know it's not about the practicality you like so you wouldn't have been enjoying all of the functions that the iPad has just because people thought about it for less time. All right.

Get out of that. No, I can totally see where that's coming from. Like, somebody put fucking thought and you'd be like, no. Oh, thought about me. Oh, thinking about me when they're cutting out them photos. I reckon I can get along and have a happy life, you know. Like, if I was reliably informed, like, a fax come through going, by the way, no one's thinking about you at all right now, I'd just be like, I was reliably informed like a fax come through going by the way

no one's thinking about you at all right now I'd just be like I mean at least you faxed it are you sure you're not a part of CED because they're materialistic

it's not even materialistic it's just I mean it's absolutely materialistic I don't need people to busy their thoughts with us keeping their thoughts busy

going oh guy but it's not like you're looking at it as an obligation like if people are like i like this person this is one of my i mean it's nice to be liked and i do like going out and performing people are making them laugh and shit i mean you can say this you fucking made natalie a fucking gift where you made us all sign it was yeah that was a nice gift all right i'm still waiting for the abuse so for your fucking wedding anniversary your fucking diamond

whatever it was that was her 30th birthday same thing got her all of her friends to write cards of their favourite memories of her and you got 365 of them together and you put them in little envelopes and you put them in things so every day for a year

and I wrote 10 of those and I don't think she's been opening them because... I've opened a few of them. I can't remember. We did open one of yours. Because I just wrote

really horrible stuff. Yeah. Something was about 9-11, I think. Aye. Definitely was. There was a 9-11 one. There was an Arcata one.

So, yeah, she hasn't opened all of them yet. She just dips it now and again. It opens a memory. And I wrote on the box this isn't my gift to you

it's your gift to us oh it's the memories of her I'm gonna fucking spew it is isn't it like the memories

that she made for us so we just put them down in writing and give her them back I wish I was dead thanks for these it's a fucking sweet gift

I mean you're in the fucking corner rather than an iPad and give her them back. I wish I was dead. Thanks for these. It's a fucking sweet gift. I mean, you're in the fucking corner. Rather than iPad. I've got one from Graham Watson on Twitter. Said, Muggles spend time strategically choosing their lottery numbers. Oh, yeah. Like, I don't do the lottery,

but, like, that sort of thing there being like 9's my birthday 17's when Davin was born and then I met Jason on the 23rd so those are all it's just like

as if that's going to conspire the plastic balls to come out of the little funnel man saying that I might be a muggle corner for this because we were in Vegas right Spire the plastic balls To come out of the little funnel Man Saying that I might be a muggle corner for this Because we were in Vegas right When I was doing roulette I kept

We were just on that little fucking table Where we Remember that table Where I kept winning money on roulette Yeah on 11 and the Tenebras I caught No no Even before that

My tactic was The five I went for Was 9, 11 From my birthday 23 Because Just the number 23. You love Beckham. Well, no, just from the movie, number 23 is an unlucky number,

so I was like, I'll put that down there. It's also Michael Jordan. And then I put 13 as well, because it's an unlucky number, right? And then I put, I was like, I need one more, because I want to put the fiver on each time. And I was like, Gene's birthday, I'll put it on fucking seven.

And I keep winning a fair bit of money from this. And there was one where it was you, me and Matty sitting down. And I was like, Matty, this is a fucking foolproof thing. I had like 100 quid that I made from like 10 quid. And I'm putting one on each. And I accidentally put 25 on seven. And you can't take it off. The thing comes through before you realise. And Matty laughs in my fucking face. and I'm putting one on each, and I accidentally put 25 on seven, right? And you can't take it off.

Like, the thing comes through before I realise, and Matty laughs in my fucking face. He's like, ah, ah, you've just wasted, right? Seven comes up, right? I get, I can't remember, it was something like five or six hundred dollars, something fucking ridiculous, right? I'm like, yeah, yeah, right?

And I'm texting Gina, I'm being like, the fucking number thing, what, your birthday? She's like, that's not my birthday I think our birthday totally broke and I was like you're a lucky sign no

no not at all yeah because I'm on book 5 of Dark Tower at the minute and there's this big thing

about the number 19 keeps showing up like everything's 19 like it's just like everything that they look at everything that they count always adds up to 19 and it's getting like uncanny

but then because of that I keep spotting 19s because I've been listening to that I'm listening to this book where he's talking about 19 I step off the train Is this why you keep staring at 19 year old girls?

On the platform 19 19 year old girls and then just fucking car registrations and shit I said But it's just blue car syndrome It's like when I noticed When I got me Bose QC35 headphones Who were sponsored by

After fucking Beehive Bethlehem dropped their sponsorship They just put more people wearing Them headphones Because what about all the times where I see other numbers and don't even acknowledge them? I do think... I was about to say

lotteries, muggly, but I guess nah. Like, fucking... If you only put a bit of money into it, why not? It is a very small version of gambling. But to strategically pick your numbers,

I will agree it's muggly and I will willingly step into the corner because I've absolutely done it. Agonised over choosing your number. What one am I going to pick? As if it's anything else other than fucking chance. That's it.

Did we reach a conclusion on the people that are starting to talk about Christmas now? I do think it is Mugly, but I do think it's one of those Mugly things where it is like, it's just sweet. Like, I can fully understand where they're coming from. Like, because I love Christmas. When these restaurants are like,

we're booking tables now, do you think people are just being very, like, forward-thinking to book a table for their restaurant or whatever? I would also fucking argue, like, I'll have to put those muggles, but fucking muggles complain about Christmas. Like, it's the fucking

See when I see people on Facebook Being like oh Christmas Do you know how I know Christmas decorations have gone up in shops I've never seen them go up in shops I'm always told by some fucking muggle on Facebook Being like oh they go up earlier and earlier every year What's your problem Do you want them to sell Christmas stuff on Christmas day

Maybe they're like They might not be being humbuggy they might be like don't milk it, don't make me hate it let it be this compact really nice month if that was where I thought they were coming from I'd agree with you

but I do feel it's the same thing I feel like not being excited about Christmas is just you think everyone else is getting excited about a stupid thing so you're putting yourself above everyone oh you said about this corporate holiday

I get to see my gran I get to get shit faced with my cousins I'm sorry your uncle's shit should I embrace Christmas this year? I think you should give it a proper wee go should I give it a proper go? we can do it. Because we're doing the Christmas run with fucking Cody and Ian Starling.

Maybe we can go up for a Christmas thing. We'll get Christmas jumpers. We should do Secret Santa. All of us. We'll do Secret Santa. We'll do Secret Santa. You, me, Ian and Cody. Only Ian Blythe will do a Secret Santa.

We'll do it that night. We'll pull crackers. White people. I kiss them. live we'll do a secret santa and we'll do that night we'll pull crackers right white people all right i'll see if i can get you to the christmas spirit this year all right i normally like giving last minute all right like quite enjoy christmas day but i may actually put some thought into some gifts this year and i see that's a good way to test right because you have done your thing right how How about you just see what the difference is, like, if with Natalie, instead of a grand fucking

gesture, obviously now that you're saving for a wedding present, a wedding as well. Well, the last couple of years we haven't done it for Christmas. We've opted out. But why don't you just try and do something? I mean, you are capable of thoughtful things. You did the fucking thing. The letter thing

give it a bash but as well that was like 30th birthday that was hi put in the extra mail I know

every year she doesn't celebrate Christmas as well so doesn't believe in Jesus no she celebrates Ramadan that's where

me and her fuck Eid Mubarak what's Eid again because I sometimes have to text a mum saying Eid Mubarak Eid Mubarak. What's Eid again? Because I sometimes have to text my mum saying Eid Mubarak. Eid Mubarak is, is it not in September? I can't remember now.

I think it's, I don't know. I'm very ignorant. I don't want to guess because it will highlight my ignorance. Yeah, but Natalie will be like, my mum would love it if you text her saying Eid Mubarak. She'll Google it and tell her to spell it and shit. I don't know what it means. What's your next one?

My next muggle is... Oh, how to spell it and shit. I don't know what it means. What's your next one? My next muggle is... Oh, I've lost it. People who stop the lift as the doors are closing to get in with you. Right? So the door's about to close. You're in the lift, right? And then they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. And stop the lift.

Yeah. And then they come in. And then they'll press a button that's on a lower floor than yours. And you're just saying, how have you got the fucking neck? Did you think slow doing me day? Like that? I was on a roll

I was about to just get fucking whizzed straight up the floor you just come in and went no I'm going to be an obstacle Those are the those are the same people

that when you're driving down a road and you're getting to a crossing you're the only car you're the only car in front of you behind you and they still press the button you're driving down a road and you're getting to a crossing, you're the only car, you're the only car in front of you, behind you, and they still press the button. You're like,

go away, go away, don't fucking make me get points for having to run through a red light. Like, you've just slowed down my day. But, do you not remember, and I think we might talk about this in the podcast, one of the happiest you've ever seen me was that day

we were getting the car rental from Gatwick and we were in the elevator and two Americans started running towards us and I just started pressing the shut door button and it totally just shut on them. Just before they got there. Oh, man. That's one of those moments where I realise how much of a cunt I am

because fuck me, that filled me with joy. This is the thing as well. Being in a lift with someone isn't fun if you don't know them especially the cunt that day that whistled me, you and a guy in the lift and he's whistling and I rip his lips off I couldn't even hear the fucking tune I was on pit farting

over the top of his whistler so the fact that if the doors are closing you're just like I'll let them go I'll get the next one there's normally

a bank of lifts you're normally on fucking floor two half the time when that happens you come in press like one or two and I'm like

you're fucking idiot I see times when two people are in the lift and I'm like come on in I'm like you've already spoken to me

much more than I would have liked you to ever have spoken to me in my life have you ever been in a lift with strangers and not had your phone yeah and you just have to pick a spot in the wild and stare at it I just pick their spots oh it's a big one can't wait for that moment to end

it's like you wouldn't get in a fucking taxi and then just shout at anybody else at the train station jump in with me that's why I like British people because they too

tend to have that fucking thing Kelsey was saying my American friend when she was over was talking about like oh nobody talks in lifts

I'm like yeah that's the way it fucking should be like what in what world is that enough to want it all? We're going through the same thing, you and me. Like, in America, when you go to meetings and stuff,

or you're in buildings, you get into an elevator, and they say, hey, how's your day? It's none of your business. It's absolutely none of your business. You know, I used to talk to people on flights and trains, and I sat next to you. I would open game with them like I just like

not game but like open conversation with them feel them out a bit just maybe have some small talk because I used to find it like weird because I wasn't used to travelling around

I used to find it weird just to park yourself in someone's personal bubble because you're all like fucking shoulder to shoulder with them without like breaking the ice letting the air sound and then getting on with your book

or whatever right so sometimes I would like openaya sound and then getting on with your book or whatever right so sometimes I would like open that conversation and then ditch it immediately just like just have a little something with them

connect like an eight stroke transaction get the book sometimes you'd end up having a really nice conversation with them sometimes you'd end up like there was one time where I'd end up on a fucking long flight

like chat to someone beginning to end had a great time but every now and again you get stuck with someone you fucking hate yeah

you like open conversation it's just like opening a fucking can of rotten words Pandora's box and you're stuck in it and you're like nah you only get bitten

a couple of times like that and you're like I am not going to fucking chat to any cunt I'll be off chatting stuff to them bastards yeah you've

those 1% of people are the reason I do not talk to 99% of other people because your chat is so bad. Even though I think it was misguided enthusiasm when I first did it. I feel like I always

read it. I always got out of there the minute I got in if it was going to be if they were cold, if they were like if they didn't want to be interrupted. I got that as soon as I was like, oh hello, you having a nice day no you didn't overdo it um i do i feel it's yeah i guess it is michael you can just wait i don't know if it's michael and actually well if you're in a hurry like i'd have to be in a proper hurry to be like like you know the taxi's waiting and i've come back in and left something up in my room all. So I've got people waiting on us.

I think then I'd stick my arm in the lift and dive in, right? But, like, if I could spare 30 seconds of my life, if I had that to spare. It's like people who run in the underground. They'll run and jump through the doors, and, like, if you made it, I'm like, the next one's in a minute. The next one is in a minute. I always think that's so strange in London that people are gutted when they miss the tube or the bus. Oh, no. Oh, no.

There's the next one. If you do that in a small town like Blythe, you might be waiting 45 minutes before you go. I think the reason it's also my great is the one thing I hate is it's somebody else dictating your pace. Like, you've seen me with automatic doors. If they don't open fast enough,

I'll break the electricity. I'll rip that thing off as fuck yeah the motor you do not decide how fast I live my life that's fully up to me it's the same thing

like I'm very aware that sometimes I catch myself overtaking cars late at night that I'm doing the same speed as but it's just because

I'm like just because I'm behind you it does feel like you are dictating my speed and I do not trust you to do that you do have ants in your pants

like when you turn up to get seated in a restaurant, like if you're not seated immediately, you're like, sit down myself. I get annoyed. I'm an idiotist. Yeah, but it's somebody... But they've got like a system and...

But you don't get to dictate my pace. Like a fucking live hard, die young. It's not the same. It's live muggins, die cream. Right, my last one. die young it's not the same it's Liv Muggins die cream right my last one I've got another one from Twitter

this one is Twitter Twitter alright my livers this one is from Mish on Twitter this is like a general one but she also did

give a good example Muggles put these type of stickers on their cars and it is a pink silhouette of Tinkerbell, and in the Disney writing it says, powered by bitch dust.

Oh, no. Yeah. That's super muggly. Anyone that's self-certified bitch or self-certified cunt or anything like that, I think we've talked about this before selling yourself as a bitch yeah like this is that like a pr angle it's like seeing someone with a shirt like i saw this a lot when i was in taiwan which is fair because uh sorry thailand because all the shirts are old as fuck there and like you know western

culture makes its way over but you know drips andbs. So I'm wearing a shirt being like, tomorrow's not your day. Oh, today's not your day. I can only be nice to one person a day. Today isn't your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either. It's like, I remember, that was one of the first jokes I ever saw on the internet

before memes exist, when the only jokes were written on funny fucking shirts. Like, I do all my own stunts well anything that's it you know when people I don't care what people think there's so many memes about not caring

what people think and I'm like you cared so much you made a meme you clearly do you shared it it's like every time I say on stage

I always catch myself doing it I'm like because that's the thing I don't care what people think and I'm like yes you do like you're literally

on stage caring what people think try to align their thoughts with yours I absolutely do care, I care what some people think, right but I don't care what, but I'll never specify really like too much

because the second you say I don't care what you think, it's like oh you do though, because you just said it, if you didn't you wouldn't have mentioned it and I do think, it's like, oh, you do, though. Because you just said it. If you didn't, you wouldn't have mentioned it. And I do think that's very selfless. And that was just, oh, just the... The way I see it, I'm sound by me, and I'd like everyone else to agree. But if they don't, I understand. Aye.

I'm not for everyone. It's not caring. I kind of fucking... I'd rather be liked by everyone, but I understand you're not going to fucking get everyone to like you. You're going to get in some people's way and annoy some people, they're going to pick up on idiosyncrasies that they don't like, you fucking get that because that happens with me and other people

so I think what people think about you is their property completely don't bother yourself by it if that's what you mean by not caring and also by putting these sort of statuses up or these things on your car you've not given out the message you think you've put out.

Like, nobody's been like, oh, man, she must be a real sassy bitch. They've just gone, fucking muggle. Like, save yourself the effort. Maybe that's what we should do. We should just say, I'm a fucking muggle. Stick those on the back of cars

because the second you do, that's where you are. But people think they're like Harry Potter fans and they're just being that extra level of muggle. Aye. I do like the level of muggle. Aye. I do like the amount of muggle stuff that comes up in my fucking Facebook feed because of all the advertising,

which is like muggles against humanity card games. And I'm like, you've clearly worked out how often I mention the word muggle. And I've been tagged in that a lot. An awful lot. Right, so those two both in? Yes. So your ones were Muggles,

get excited. It's a sweet one, but it is Muggle. It's early October. It's not even Halloween yet. You're already planning for Christmas. And Muggles, stop your elevator,

like stop the doors closing on elevators. Just wait. It's not like, it's going somewhere, but it's only four feet up. And my ones were from Graham Watson. Muggles, spend time strategically choosing lottery numbers. Absolute Muggles.

And any sort of funny car sticker. It's the same as a funny shirt. It's, yeah. Yes. Speaking of Muggles, we're on tour, Muggles. Come see us. This comes out on Thursday. So we are in Corby tonight.

And on Friday we are... I think it's for a debut in Corby as well is it? I feel like I've played the Cube before but several years ago so I might have done it way back if not

it's our debut there Bristol Hen and Chickens is always a joyous gig we'll see you there on Friday night and on Saturday we are in Jersey and then

for Monday next week we are in Prague and then a bunch of other European dates which we don't know yet because there'll be another podcast up by then.

Yeah, Prague's the first one. I think Vienna's the second one. Go online. And also big shout out to the people in Vienna who bring us weed every year. You are one of our genuine favourites. The Sloss Express. The Sloss Express. They invented a weed just for us and they're absolute fucking diamonds. Cannot wait

to see them again. Your dad sells everything with fisty cuffs. Basically, you both fist your mum down to the cuffs and then shake hands while inside. Your dad cleans his TV screen with his breath in the sleeve of his sweater. Whenever your dad's finished his coffee, he treats the coffee mug like it's a yoghurt tub.

He just rubs his finger around the inside and sucks his finger. Your dad goggles tequila. Does the same after ribbon. Sorry. Just going to tell you about your dad. He goggles tequila and spits it out because he's teetotal but likes the taste.

On your parents' last wedding anniversary, your dad caught it at bed, as quiet as a mouse, and hung like one, went downstairs, boiled the kettle, made some toast, and left never to be seen again.

He went toasting the kettle? No. No. Well, your dad does the dishes with his dressing gown while he's wearing it. He dries them. I was going to say,

oh, now I get it. After a shower, your dad does that towel hair curl thing that girls do, but on his penis. Ties it all around it. Wash it in the house.

Yeah. Be like, I'm not ready. You said 20 minutes. Your dad pampers himself by putting a face mask on his arse cheeks And a slice of cucumber in his butthole You got the wrong idea

When he said what's that cucumber for Why are you getting it in the bedroom He went it's for me arse Your dad tried to get out of being your dad After you were born By telling the midwife You touched it last though. Your James.

What? Your James. It's like my James. Oh, okay. I thought you said your James. My James. You just named it. It's like when you say my James.

Like fucking licks someone's pie. My James is mine now. Your dad puts a collar around his neck and puts a leash on it and then puts the end of the leash in the dog's mouth and walks down the river telling passing dog walkers it's his turn to walk me your dad fills up one clown car

your dad got disqualified from a foreign competition for trying too hard your dad sits in the back of your mum's car Your dad got disqualified from a fun competition for trying too hard. Your dad sits in the back of your mum's car and sticks his tongue out at people. They go past and then hides. Your dad was a stripper on my 30th birthday cake. Your dad can make himself fresh pasta but can't make himself smile. Your dad parks in the disabled base at Asda and then walks into the shop with his tongue in his bottom lip

shouting ice cream so people think he's okay to use it. Your dad is doing duck face in his passport photo. Your dad doesn't realise that there's an extra clip after the credits on each episode of Rick and Morty and always just takes the next episode on Netflix. That was you. You did that. No, not me.

Every fucker. This is actually a revelation now to people who are listening. I genuinely know it. Because I think Netflix changes it itself. Netflix just... No, it just gives you the option to skip episodes. Oh, does it? Because it wasn't me because I watched it originally with you,

but you put it on Adult Swim or something like that. because I watched it originally with you but you put it on like Adult Swim or something like that so I watched it from number one but then Chris Ferguson who listens to the podcast

and Kerry Marks who I was in Australia with they're two people I know that had both watched it all the way through loved it but didn't realise that there was something

after the credits this would be a brilliant true lie it would be a great true lie it would be like making people wait it's like the

Marvel movies there's always something at the end but I hope people are like oh fuck because they're going to have to watch them again

and then after and it's normally a punchline it's normally something that ties together something that happens in the

episode it's like it's in the last scene it's an epilogue yeah your dad went to the midnight launch

of the new Viagra so I'm in the queue An epilogue, yeah. Your dad went to the midnight launch of the new Viagra. Saw him in the queue. Your dad ran naked into a barbershop, covered head to toe in PVA glue, threw himself down on the floor and started rising around, but they just swept it. Your dad respects that a magician never reveals his secrets, so he never asks

how a magic trick is done, and as a result has lost both of his thumbs after actually ripping them off. I'll teach him. Aye. I think that draws to a conclusion. Aye. It's pretty hard work doing a podcast two days run, isn't it? Aye, you've got not much to say.

You haven't really done much since the last time you spoke for an hour. I think. Aye, we just dropped out. We've literally just sat in a car all day alright but thank you to everyone that came to the show in Leeds tonight and St Andrews

you were both great audiences you really helped me forget that Hemel Hempstead gig and thank you for listening to this podcast keep it going up

on the iTunes just fucking rate it just do it you lazy bastards yeah rate it share it comment do stuff that pushes it up and gets more listeners

and feel free to call us out and shit and whatever but bye love you love y'all Muggins out