Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.8 Sloss Express Return Ticket

Episode Date: October 18, 2017

Prague and Vienna brought the weed, the latter being that of the Sloss Express which sent the boys on a journey before they were suddenly faced with a situation they were too high to deal with. Newphamisms also return in this episode recorded from Bratislava.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

You know what they say, don't you? I bet it sucks. Muggins makes the heart grow creamy. Oh, is that out of Muggins? Like, I really feel like we need a new introduction. Well, you've come up with something. I've been carrying this podcast introduction. No, no.

I agree with you. First of all, I hear. Shut the fuck up. Second of all, I agree with you that maybe I need to come up with something. But you don't give me any time to introduce a podcast. You sit there smugly in the fucking elevator with your phone notes being like, oh man, I've got loads of idioms that are fucking dead good. Do you think I make notes?

What? I quickly come up with shit off the top. I was being very sarcastic. It's very obvious. I don't know how my mind works sometimes. Which is an early muggle corner wasn't it we put an early muggle corner for people that say i don't know how my mind yeah they'll do something incredibly special thing honestly a proper crazy at me at points i just i just i don't know where my mind goes just come up with this stuff top my head sometimes sometimes i just i just keep talking my brain's

not going but my lips are and i'm like what am i saying people are laughing i'm like that was just freshly squeezed i'm a passenger too no i'm just freshly spanned from the tree that's me freshly squeezed you just think of that all right i don't know what i'm like sometimes oh uh i'll tell you when i first started hanging out with Natalie she thought who? oh yeah who? her name rings a bell this one

no explain that go on rings a bell right that's a bell innit oh I thought you meant because you're a bell end and she phones you from time to time

that makes more sense she does ring a bell every time I said something sharp and quick she would be like how long have you been waiting to tell that

but it would be like oh that's the worst thing so specific that's the worst that's one of the things like see see when you meet people who like

they know you're comedians and you're not like best friends with them yet but you get into but they've got that weightiness around you where they think everything you're gonna say

is a joke and yeah everything I say is a joke because I'm not actually a hilarious human being but they'll be like oh you're trying where they think everything you're going to say is a joke and yeah everything I say is a joke because I'm not actually a hilarious human being but they'll be like oh you're trying one of my bits on you

and I was like well kind of like it wasn't a bit until you laughed but the fact that you laughed and I was like that could be a bit

I've honestly reckoned you've just been used I've missed like three shows worth of material because I've said something funny in conversation and I just haven't

had the balls to just write it down then and there I think that's fine though like that's why I stress about I stress about the fringe in July

because I've got to start catching me thoughts before the loss to the ether I've got to like fuck I need to get this down I've got to short it right but like

at this point now where we're just on tour and stuff there's so many funny shit that like that happens where we're on a night

out and we'll maybe make each other laugh and we don't jot it down we don't spoil the moment to get your notes out

yeah that's why we have a podcast so we can tell you all the unfunny things that don't make it to a show for example we've just started

our European tour since the last time we spoke to you first off huge thank you to everyone in Prague Vienna

and Bratislava. I have an apology to make to the people in Vienna in a second, but we'll start off in Prague. Now, for years and years and years, people have said to me, Prague's a beautiful city, right? Now, given we don't see much of the city when we're there, and what I have seen has only been the sort of bars and stuff. And I was like, is that a beautiful city? Or is this just something old people say? But this was the first time we've ever not got a train into Prague. We've flown in and then we're driven through Prague to the airport. I take back everything I said.

Fuck, that's a beautiful city. Do you love it? Oh, I felt, like, so beautiful, I felt muggly. Like, so beautiful. Like, we're driving in and I was reading my book. It's a very interesting book. A book I'm thoroughly enjoying. I'm going through

the Wheel of Time series. Right? I'm loving every page but I just look up and I'm like and I properly the most muggly way turned off my Kindle

and just turned my shoulders in put my hands on my legs and just the scenery going by. I thought you were in a huff. Of course you did. You fucking sensitive cunt. So we did the show in Prague which is as always

just a fucking joyous gig in Prague that's so cool I just love like don't get me wrong I've been enjoying the UK tour

but there's such a level up with the European tour because of their they're deprived from comedy the people that

watch us in like say wherever that watch us in like say wherever that's in nice gigs in Inverness in Aberdeen yes they're enjoying the show

but yes they've already seen Ian Stillen and Chris Ramsey and John Richardson and they've seen a bunch of comics when we do Lincoln

on a Wednesday a great crowd who we love and have a great show in front of they've probably seen three or four shows in the past

two months yeah they're comedy lovers they're comedy lovers so they come to all these shows we had a guy in Warwick who'd seen four shows that week and then it come to ours on the friday where it is here it's like what was last comedy show you saw you last year there's

nothing on the fourth show i've seen i feel like we're really like it's you four times it's kind of we are absolutely taking advantage and also it's slightly abusive. Like, we're just not letting them see other people. We're fucking around. Oh, we're sleeping. Behind Prague's back.

Oh, mate, next day I was in a different audience. I was in a new country in a new venue doing the same, I was telling them

the same things I told Prague. Prague's got no idea. Prague's just sat there being like, God, can't wait to see Sloss next year.

Meanwhile, me, sticking my dick in anything. Vienna. Catching all the 50Ds. Vienna, Bratislava. But while we were in Prague,

this is not something that is funny, but it is one of the greatest moments of my life. Some listeners may remember a couple of years ago, a story we told where, I can't remember what hotel we were in, but you were making a peanut butter sandwich, and I, just being the asshole I am, saw you making the peanut butter sandwich, and I went, make me a peanut butter sandwich and I, just being the asshole I am, saw you making the peanut butter sandwich, and I went

make me a peanut butter sandwich right now, because obviously Kai was going to make me one, but it's a fun thing you do. Whenever one of us is about to do something, we'll tell the other person to do that thing, because even though you were going to do it, you begrudgingly do it, because you'll be like

clearly about to get up for a shower, and I'll be like go and have a shower, and you'll be like I need to get up for a shower and I'll be like go and have a shower and you'll be like I need a shower but I don't want to be busting around like I'll clearly go and go piss

and he's like go have a piss before you go on stage and I'll be like nah I'm holding it in I won't be told what to do so I'm on my phone you make me a sandwich

well you make yourself a sandwich I ask unpolitely for one and then I'm on my phone and you just fucking hurl it at me wellitely for one and then i'm on my phone and you just fucking hurl it at me and well because i just the the sandwich i was busy making for myself he said give me it now and i was like you want it now fucking over on pitched it at you

i pitched it at you it was meant to stick to your face yeah yeah i could have lost an eye but with cat-like reflexes that i can't even explain myself right literally just went up and caught it midair still looking at my phone and then took a bite out of it and the only thing kai said to me after 30 seconds to stand silence was i'm never gonna tell this story because it was too impressive i'm gonna deny it it actually actually took Over a year Before we Probably yeah Before I even Just let you have it So the other day When we were in Prague

When we were meeting All of our Lovely fans Afterwards Big shout out To the same couple That every year Bring us weed

And smoke with us outside They are great They're the fucking Greatest of those two fans Every year They just bring us A fucking spliff They queue up

Like everyone else We see them Have a hug And they'll go We're outside If you want a spliff. They queue up like everyone else. We see them. Have a hug at Forte, and they'll go, we're outside if you want a spliff. Yeah, and they'll just go, we're outside, and there's no rush,

and they're the best. But one of our other fans brought us two bouncy balls, just because they were like, trying to sign the bouncy balls, couldn't sign the bouncy balls because the pens were shit. She was like,

just have the bouncy balls. We then go for a couple of drinks with one of your friends. My mate Simon Story, shout out, played rugby with him back in the day. And his lovely chick. Fiance.

Fiance. And then also a lovely chick, another chick guy who we just met there who came out for a couple of drinks. And there was an empty pint glass on the table. So I just start beer ponging it with the bouncy ball, just doing all these shots

We're taking turns Having shots And the thing is like A yard away There's nothing impressive About the shots It's in the table That we're sat on

Yeah There's nothing impressive But we're trying to bounce it Or whatever But me Being a fucking legend Just go It's time for a trick shot

And behind my back I throw the ball Over my head And it misses the entire table And goes down All of the stairs Bounces off the floor Rattles off the banisters, and just disappears over the bar. Yeah, down the stairs to where the bar is.

And I'm like, and everyone laughs at me, and I'm like, oh, that's fine. Uh-huh, loser. We sip, we drink, we have a chat for a while. We made a really big fuss here missing as well. Yeah. I was like, just that shot at a point in your life, that sliding doors, if that landed, there would have been a moment where we're like, fucking hell, Daniel's good. Aye. But now we're just going

we're a fucking cocky bullshit artist just trying to wing it all the time trying to save yourself because you absolutely fucked it up and you know

I take the ribbing that I rightfully deserve and as we go down the bar to leave one of the bartender goes who threw that? one of the bartender goes who threw this?

and lifts up a small cup with the bouncy ball in it literally just one cup on its own next to the sink yeah

apparently behind the bar behind the bar it bounced all the way down the stairs bounced over the bar into the glass and him and his mate

had just been like fuck that was an impressive shot me and Simon just tacked it back alright pretty good actually and I would just like to publicly clarify me and Simon just and we were being taken back pretty good actually and I would just like

to publicly clarify that I absolutely meant that shot yeah but there was a point where you went to the toilet like are you that much of an egocentric

that you could have went hey barman totally agree with you but to nix that the toilets were upstairs the bar was downstairs

this is true so fully understand where you're coming from but I didn't watch you go to the toilet's downstairs this is true this is true so fully understand where you're coming from but like I didn't watch you at the toilet you could easily just like yeah you did what

whenever I leave a room you're always checking me out like a dog when I leave the house like you know the dog upstairs just checking my ass the owners don't know how much the dog cries

in the house of yours and the dog's whining all the time that's what I like when you leave oh my god that fucking neighbour's dog I've thought of killing so many times my neighbours are

lovely and they don't know their dog cries they don't know their dog cries when they're away this is the conundrum you can't bring it up

I can't because they're not abusive I cannot clarify this enough that dog loves them they are so good to that dog

it's so well treated it misses them they are the nicest neighbours I don't have a bad word to say about them. They are the kindest people in the world. But when they're away, their dog cries. And it's a stupid

dog, so it hasn't worked out that crying does nothing. Can you imagine you just went, hey, I don't know if you know but your dog's making a lot of noise for the day. And they're like, oh, do you want to talk about August, cunt? Yeah, what about when you had 50 people in your house for the McGregoror fight yeah i can't bring anything up because they are so patient with all of the fucking dumb ass shit i do there has been times when i've just

considered just throwing chocolate into the garden and i'm just like just make it ill and give it a dick in your tummy and then we went to vienna again another one we've got a lot of things to discuss about Vienna but first and foremost I would like to personally apologise Mo and Ray are two big fans of ours they've been to every show we've done in Austria and three years ago they grew

a strain of marijuana called the Sloss Express I was watching your YouTube videos while getting high on it for the first time. Yeah. On the first harvest of that batch. And then they named it after me. So there's a straightaway

that they've named after me and every year after the show they're the perfect fans. They turn up, they say hello and then after the show we always go for joints with them and we always want to go for drinks with them. But when we're in Europe

unlike on the UK tour we have to... Promoters have been working on our European shows for three months. So every new tour we have to promoters have been working on our European shows for three months so every new city we go to we've got a whole bunch

of people to thank and drink with and hang out with it's like a family in another land so after the show we were having drinks with Liddy and Normie

and they are the best they are the best and everyone in Vienna is the best so we tell fucking Mo and Ray that we'll meet them at a bar and we're down there drinking best. They are the best and everyone in Vienna is the best. So we tell fucking Mo and

Ray that we'll meet them at a bar and we're down there drinking and Flanagan's. Flanagan's is where we're going. We're very excited for Flanagan's. Just for how excited I was about Flanagan's. I got so high on this strain of weed, right, that when you said, oh, we're just going to drop our bags

off and then go to Flanagan's. You got irrationally excited. I got irrationally excited because I hadn't quite heard what you said, oh, we're just going to drop our bags off and then go to Flanagan's. You got irrationally excited. I got irrationally excited because I hadn't quite heard what you said. And I was in a bit of a zone of my own, right? I was just in this fucking high world of my own where I'm not really tuned in to what's going on around. And you went, we're going to drop our bags off and go to Flanagan's. And I jumped out of my seat with the most excitement. I just went, oh, mint. Flanagan's.

Yes. Yes. I think, sorry, my brain pitched us the wrong response. Yes. I think, sorry, my brain pitched us the wrong response. It should have been, oh, cool. Yeah, that's where we should go. That's a good idea.

Drop our bags off because we don't want to take our bags or our laptops and shit to Flanagan's. It should have been rational. But I was just like, oh, man. It will set you back. You're just looking at this like, I just had to go,

oh, sorry, dude, that was the wrong spot and I was like I'm very aware that's why I've been taking the piss out of you for the past 10 minutes so we come back

and Mo and Ray the Sloss Express is very strong marijuana like we were out smoking with them they were like do you want the normal one or do you want the killer one

and I was like we'll smoke two of the normal ones now and after Flanagan's we'll smoke the killer one and we'll go back to bed and they're like great we have a lovely chat

with the boys another fan of ours Paul over there and I can't remember it was the first time I'd met the girl but she was nice and we were like

we've got to go in and you know drink with Lydia and Normie and thank them and as always they're like of course we'll meet you at Flanagan's they know the drill

we disappear for half an hour 45 minutes we'll meet you there they also did get us exceptionally fucking high. That was the highest I've been in quite a while. I was far too high to deal with what came next. So we're backstage in Vienna,

and just a very, albeit lovely, but very loud and overly confident Scottish woman barges backstage. Heart's in the right place. Heart's in the right place. I think it was alcohol related We're backstage Having our

Like decompression drinks Debrief Talking about next year Talking about Making plans Drinking Thanking them for the effort Them thanking us for the show

And she just comes backstage And does not Read the room Like it's like Clearly we're in the middle of something We keep trying to be like We're in a business meeting Can you leave

Even Lydia was saying like She was trying to use words Like business meeting and debrief and to make it even though it was a very social endeavor you didn't want to be rude you didn't want to be like can you fuck off this is our private but then she started mocking the writer which the writer was beautiful these fucking cheeses and meats and like in the more than we get in the uk and she's like what's this cheese what's if your mates could see you no lads

they'd be too they'd piss out of you like fucking really like if my mates could see me now they'd be fucking jealous

of shit just like I did in Vienna with our free rider what you drinking there gin and we're there with the lovely gin

that they bought us to like because they're just looking after us they're one of the guests and she just comes in and starts slagging off what we're eating

and what we're drinking in front of the people that bought us the food and the drink and it's like who is this cunt? Like, this is rude. It's very rude. We eventually managed to sort of get her off.

Oh, no. It wasn't that quick. It was fucking, I was so high for this situation where we went from just, I think we're having a fucking weird conversation about robots. Robots taking over jobs and what's left to go by getting taken over by robots and we're talking about the creative arts would they get taken over by robots we were having a pretty cool deep conversation

thanks to thanks to Sloss Express Sloss Express and the intelligence of Lydia Norrie were just really loving their insight on these like wacky ideas that we were presenting them right we were having a fucking great time stoned, good company.

This trick comes in, starts kicking off. Fucking lovely girl as well. She's been to previous shows. She's lovely, but just misread. She hasn't overstepped it like that. She's never overstepped it before. She came into the green room

and we were so high, we couldn't deal with it. So Kai goes, I'm going to the toilet and I'm immediately like, I know this move, this is also, because normally my move is, I go to the toilet and text Kai

and go, you're a tour manager, get rid of them. So I went to the toilet and stayed there thinking, just because I was too fucking high to deal with it,

I didn't want to engage them and keep them there longer. I didn't want to bring myself to be rude to them or ask them to leave and I was just like in this malfunction where I was just in this malfunction where I was just like, fucking can't deal with it

went to the bathroom, started texting the boys about what was happening, saying I was hiding they went, picture, didn't happen, sent them a picture of me in the fucking disabled toilets and then you sent a picture of you in a broom closet going, I'm hiding too I had no idea so me and you were just hiding in the bedroom

just left poor Lydian Norman with this belligerent fan backstage I had no idea Somebody in the audience Was hiding in the venue Just left Poor Lydian Norman With this Belligerent fan backstage And then I snuck Because I was texting the boys And they were like Go and get an audio Because I was like

I'm not going back in the room Go and get an audio of them I mean just to clarify He was going back in the room There was no way He wasn't going back in the room Your heart for certain things 50% of it's comedy

40% of it's sex. 10% of it is... So hold on. I'm going to find the video here and see if I can play it through. Because you can hear... Right. How do I get this on loudspeaker? It's already on loudspeaker.

You fucking dumbass. See if you can hear this. He was a fucking whacker. And I'm sure He's probably Fucking crawling Into the grave Honestly He would be

A bitch He's a fucking Badger And tell me I was a wanker And then I ran away Back to the toilet Because I thought

I'd been spotted But that is the type Of fucking inane But he was a fucking Wanker And I was like Listen That shit just

Got a nutter I can't deal with That one Hi And then I ran Back into the toilet And you text going I hate to call The card guy But you're the Two-hour manager I have to go And ship them one guy's down and we're like listen that shit just got nutter I can't deal with that one hi and then I ran back into the toilet and you were text going

I hate to call them the card guy but you're the two I'm gonna try you have to go and ship them gotta get rid of them like they shouldn't

be backstage eventually you did we had a bit more drinks and by that by that point it had been an hour so I messaged I went on Twitter

straight away being like to anyone waiting as at Flanagan's we'll be a bit later and then fucking Ray messaged back being like we got drugged

we've gone home and I felt so guilty because we do love hanging out with fans but we got but we like hanging out with fans on our terms we were going to hang out with Flanagan's when we were ready that's hanging out with we'll meet you there Ray even if people that we were getting along with

had come in and stole that moment from us we still would have come on we'll have a debrief we'll meet you where we said we'd meet you we love drinking

with fans but it's got to be in the place that we designate because we've got some business stuff to talk to we've got some

free radar well free radar the radar that had been bought for us to finish here to enjoy the company to enjoy and then

we'll do it don't step on that and yeah so just a big apology to Ray and Mo and all the other Vienna fans who waited in Flanagan's British person

it's always a Brit it's always a Brit I hate that there's a handful of gigs on the European tour that we don't do no more because Brits ruin it which was Switzerland and France where it was mostly

expats and they were just the belligerent people the Brits abroad yeah like the mainland Europe fans

are the fucking best so nice they're the kindest they're the loudest loudest as in audience wise they laugh the most respectful

they cue patiently they bring fucking gifts at points, anytime I've had a if I've ever had a problem on the European tour with an audience member the second I hear the accent I go of course you are, of course

the only person in this room and by the way this isn't a slam this isn't a by the way this isn't a slam on any of our British this isn't a by the way this isn't a slam on any of our british fans back home because you've stayed at home you're probably the same you're nice there it's specifically these i'll call them what they are brexit voters right these ones that go abroad and complain about go overseas and complain about immigrants they go there and they have to be fucking like it's like an american, like I didn't realise Brits could be so American in other countries,

just the loudest and most fucking obnoxious. But to get off of this and to then go on to where we were today, which is Bratislava, I cannot remember the name of the girl,

she's going to tweet me later on and I'm going to send a big thank you. She's seen us in four different countries. Yeah, so she saw us in, Ireland, but she saw us in Prague the other day and she was like,

would it be, she'd seen us in Austria and then she'd seen us in Br the other day yeah and she was like would it be seen us in austria and then she's seen us in brad slava she was like would it be weird and muggly if i came to see you again and i was like uh it's the same show but yeah it would be muggly but obviously i genuinely would love that go there today show was great brad slava was fucking so much fun thank you to everyone that came but there she was and i was like did you enjoy the show she was like i did it was different and you know but still the same she's like i've got your present now normally when a fan says to me i've got your present it means one or two things one they've rolled me a spliff and a big shout to any fan who's ever done that to me in the past you will never understand how much i love you

like yeah when we travel when we're flying every day and we can't when we travel and one of you turns up with a spliff it is the greatest it's it's the same people in Prague we've smoked a joint with them every single year for the past four years

Mo and Ray in Vienna we've smoked spliffs every single fucking year after the show it's a lovely tradition we do genuinely love it or the other time

it's like food there's a dude that did it for me in Melbourne Webb World Weed Webb or someone Webb oh yeah because he's he's Instagram handles World Weed Web Or something I don't know

And he turned up in Melbourne and hooked us up with a spliff After we show off the back of the podcast Hope he's listening shout out brother But this gift that I got today And I think this gift It's four shirts And I'll give them out to podcast Listeners who've been to the show,

because you have to have seen the show to get the joke. It's four shirts that say, Who Chews Juice? And on the back of them it says, Me, I'm a fucking goblin. Which, if you've seen my show, makes so much sense, and it's such a good fucking gift. I've got four of these, and I don't even think I need to have a competition for these, I will post these on Instagram and Twitter and thank the lovely lady that had

them made, but the competition is essentially this there's four shirts, whoever goes, I want one of the shirts that's it, the competition is, I want one of the Who Choose Juice your shirts me and kai will sign them and if you just come to the next shows in the next couple of days which are

belgrade tomorrow then we're in transylvania uh no belgrade first then oh then libya now then zagreb and then kluge yeah here in fact here are things for the next few days let's actually do that so these are the people who've got the chance to win these shirts and i will get more made if Zagreb, and then Cluj. In fact, here are our things for the next few days. Let's actually do that. So these are the people who've got the chance to win these shirts. And I will get more made if enough people want them. We will be in Belgrade at the Ustinova Kultervul Karzizivip. On Thursday. Ljubljana at the Spankski.

Lol. Borki. Saturday we're in Zagreb at the Concert Dvorna Václavoslav Vlasinski. Sunday, we're in Cluj at the cinema Florin Pirsic. Monday, we're at Sofia at the comedy club Sofia. So I would be surprised if the shirts haven't gone by then. If you want one of the shirts,

just after the show, when we meet you, say, who chews juice? I wear juice. I was doing the say who chews juice I wear juice I wear juice I was doing the who wears short shorts I wear short shorts I wear juice juice

who drinks juice juice I drink juice juice just say I chew juice and I'll give you one of these shirts and I will sign it so

Serbia well gone tomorrow well done also big thank you to Matthew Canning for being on the podcast last time. We have had a lot of positive feedback.

People loved a bit about him as well. He's got so much more to give because there's more stories to tell, which will save them. And he was nervous. There's more from the threesomes. I could tell he didn't have a hard-on. No? He doesn't get a hard-on when he's nervous, if you recall. No.

Yeah, I thought he was great but I was fucking there's more to that Threesome story but we're out of time and also there's the story that you set up

that we never got to oh yeah the finger smelling story which we'll wait for it to get back on before until then but we'll definitely have Matty back on

people on Twitter seem to be a big fan of his input which is weird because he's you opened asking him about his losing his houses to women straight in uh so serbia yeah and we've been to serbia before it was before we started the podcast it was 2014 when we've done the first tour and then we're driving out to serbia into, right? Mario's driving. He's been looking after us while we're there, and he's driving us out.

And the police sirens are coming from behind us. He pulls in. He's the next car on the junction, on the crossroads. And the police car pulls along and does a fucking handbrake turn into the lane where we're about to go down, right? So Mario just fucking reroutes his sat-nav. He's looking at his phone.

The green light comes, and he just has to go straight on instead of left and work it out. And then later on, he'll sleep in the back as he usually are. I'm just reading my book

in the front, Mario's driving and the radio's blaring away in Serbian, whatever language, Croatian, Serbian? Serbian.

Sure. So it's blaring away and then Mario turns it up and starts chuckling to himself just laughing away clearly we're like he must be listening to like

who's line is it anyway but it started being on the radio and we're like what's so funny Mario they translated what had happened it's fucking scary shit right where the police car stopped us

that street is where the government buildings are and there was an ex-soldier from the Yugoslavia, I guess, right? I don't know much about the politics, but apparently some old soldier who fought for the country who no longer have benefits or income. And it's like a homeless guy

who used to... Thank God we don't have that in the UK or America. Oh, fuck, yeah. Shit. It was too close to home and he was there armed to fuck like guns and fucking explosives and shit demanding money outside the government building and that's what the police closed the road for and it was about 10 left and mario just fucking he has the radio thing close one we're obviously terrified we were so ignorant i remember the first time we got into Belgrade

it was one of the very few car journeys I was awake for we just go in and Belgrade's a beautiful sea but there's like buildings that are ruined now I'm very aware that most podcast listeners will know a greater deal of history than I do but allow me to tell you from my perspective I've never been to this country, it's in Europe

and I'm like the last war in Europe was when we beat the Nazis, because I'm an idiot, and that's how much I know. And I'm just quoting Mario. I'm like, Mario, why is that building being bombed? Like, why is that? Because the rubble was all still there. Yeah, the rubble was still there.

You can see the stairwells and, like, kind of, so there's, like, all this concrete smashed up. There's a stairwell, like the fire escape, and there's, like, metal poles, like rusty iron poles. It's clearly been bombed in like the last decade or two. And I'm like, that's not from World War II, is it? He goes, no, no, no, that was from

15 years ago. America in the 90s. I'm like, who bombed you years ago? And he was like, oh, America. And I was like, why did America bomb you? And he was like, yeah, we were being dicks. And I was like, but why haven't you rebuilt them? And he was like, why did America bomb you? And he was like, yeah, we were being dicks. And I was like, but why haven't you rebuilt them? And he was like, just to teach

our younger children to not be dicks. They just went like a scholar, right? They just went, they'd be like, oh yeah, now we got a bit loud. America had a word. And then I destroyed a building myself when I went to the toilet after eating an octopus. I was like, oh, I've never ate octopus before

I'll have the octopus, please, waiter In a landlocked country That octopus has been through a lot Before it got on my plate It's been on a journey The journey wasn't over when it got into my mouth I tell you that It blew the other side of the building off

It's time to bring back an old game, and that old game is called Newphemisms. Where, obviously, there's euphemisms for a lot of things that we all use, but that's the thing. A lot of euphemisms are old. They're done by. Everyone knows them. They're not as funny anymore

because they're not fresh in your mind. So we thought we would come up with new euphemisms or newphemisms, if you will, for certain terms. So we've come up with five different words for each, for the female orgasm and the male orgasm. Different euphemisms. And feel free to start bringing these into,

if you guys casually use these words, honestly, I reckon it can be part of a lot of people's lexicons. We've got about 2,000 listeners on this podcast. If each one of you casually drop this in, that's 6,000 people randomly using this word and thinking it's a genuine thing. And even if one of them just catches on. So it's tough after you with the male ejaculation. I don't know if you're talking about orgasm or the actual Lord. I'd say I've mixed it up.

Do you want to start with the male orgasm? Yeah, let's do that one. Okay, so an euphemism for male orgasm. Milking the patriarchy. Frightening the albino squid. The male orgasm, or as I call it, the world's easiest one-player game. The male ejaculation. Shooting yourself

right in the future. Draining the sap from the sad sack. The fountain of regret. Winning the prize which makes everyone feel like a loser. Or as I like to call it,

unloading the baby bullets. I just call it recalibrating the wee moat Or The running results of the wrist rodeo That's my favourite So feel free to call the male ejaculation Just to go through those again

milking the patriarchy the world's easiest one player game draining the sap from the sad sack winning the prize which makes everyone feel like a loser

I really could picture Gene saying that so I was down there winning the prize which makes everyone feel like a loser namely me and recalibrating

the Wiimote and I went with Frightening the Albino Squid with its white ink and Shooting Yourself Right in the Future The Fountain of Regret Unloading the Baby Bullets

are the running results of the wrist rodeo so that 10 times fast and now for the female orgasm I've gone for the world's the better orgasm

as I like to call it I didn't know that's what I started with I just called it the world's oldest myth. What about bass dropping on the pink decks? Female orgasm. It is like a bass drop, isn't it?

Like a fucking build-up. Right. A build-up with everyone. Make sure your ears bleed. The female orgasm, or as I call it, the forgotten art What about the squeaky squirting Screamy

Try again Try again The squeaky squirting Screamy shoulder squelch Shoulder Shoulder Right I'm going to try one more

Go on away from the top The squeaky squirting Screamy Four more times The squeaky squirting Screamy shoulder squelch I mean it wasn't worth it

it would have been worth it after the third one I call it the fountain of no more druff or the growler grumble for short

or meeting squirt cabane squirt cabane the clitomic bomb teenage butte ninja squirrels Or meeting Squirt Cabane. Squirt Cabane. The Clatomic Bomb. Teenage Mutant Ninja Squirtles. The Devil's Dynamite. Right.

Should we go through them again? The world's oldest myth. The Forgotten Art. See, I was very clever there because at one point I claimed it didn't exist and then in the second one I claimed that it did exist but it's forgotten. I'm actually very clever. Because at one point I claimed it didn't exist And then in the second one I claimed that it did exist But it's forgotten

I'm actually very clever We need a renaissance To the female orgasm The fountain of no more druth Meet and squirt cabane Teenage mutant ninja squirrels Right now I've got Bass dropping on the pink decks

Squeaky squirting Screamy shudder squelch Growler grumble Clatomic bomb And the devil's dynamite Can I also say as well Squirting's just pissing yourself girls Nah don't you dare should I squelch? The growler grumble. The anatomic bomb in the devil's dynamite. I also say as well, squirting's just pissing yourself, girls.

Nah, don't you dare. Oh, piss me so... Don't you dare. Oh, I fucked up so hard to squirt it. What, you meant I pissed myself? Well done.

Well done, Buffy. Nah, don't... Why would you ruin... Do you know how to squirt too? It's called pissing. Nah. Get this right.

Try this at home, guys. Finish your orgasm, right? Jizz, right? And go in the shower, get a handful of fucking soapy water, right? So this at home, guys. Finish your orgasm, right? Jizz, right? Then go in the shower, get a handful of fucking soapy water, right? Soap up your hand, and then fucking wash your butt,

because your bellend's numb. You probably couldn't do this before you came, but after you've came, you can fucking just, like, wax it. Wax it with a soapy hand, right? Keep doing that. Eventually, your asshole tightens, and you piss everywhere,

even if you don't need to piss. You clench and you piss, right? Oh, I squirted. Then you just kept fucking pressing the button after it was fucking doorbell answered. Someone's answered the door, you kept pressing the doorbell, and eventually you come back with a super-soaker.

I squirted, right? That's the analogy. I cannot believe we have a fucking squirt-shamer on the podcast. I'm not shaming it. I mean, you're definitely shaming it. I'm just saying, if people are bragging about,

oh, I'm a squirter, or I made her squirt, just be aware of what people are bragging about like oh I'm a squirt or I made her squirt like just be aware of what you're bragging about so that you're pissed off I don't but I yeah

and even if I am bragging about that which is science but even if no no of course I'm bragging about that because it's like I made her lose control of all of her bodily functions

right you know the bit where you've finished you've been given a blowjob right you're finished and you start doing that little you've been given a blowjob you've finished and you start doing that little

like pushing away a bit like pull back because you need it to stop right you know what would happen if they kept going

bleed you'd squirt you'd squirt right in the back of the road you're not a doctor if they kept going if they kept going

after a blowjob you're telling me if after I've got a blowjob and a girl keeps sucking sucks it I'm gonna piss

in her mouth I mean if she does it properly Right Okay After this And then she's gonna be Blanked if I'm here It's all fucking

Kept on Kept on Nah I think Right after this You suck my dick right And I'll come right And then you keep sucking And then let's see if I piss in your mouth

And if I do It's just cause I hate you Fucking hell yeah I made the money Nah Do you know Do you know how far The square is

No I haven't Have you not Nah Oh it's I But it's nah do you know if you know if on the square is no man what have you not no oh it's but it's it's what it is though right I mean it's

I mean the science is up for it but it's not like they're consciously going I'm gonna piss it's like a I remember I had a I remember I had a girlfriend

who like she was just like she was like I don't orgasm and I was like I don't who, like, she was just like, she was like, I don't orgasm. And I was like, I don't believe that. Like, everyone orgasms, right? Which is a children's book I'm writing, and nobody's picking it up.

So please commission my book. Everyone comes. So I read two books on the female orgasm, because I was like, fucking challenge accepted. You don't come. We'll fucking see about this bitch. And highlighted all my ignorance. Didn't realise all the interesting things about you know, the

outlaying of the map of a vagina. Like, you know the tip of our dicks are when they're in the womb very similar. It's the same thing with what a clitoris is, but a clitoris tightens on down and there's twice as many nerve endings in the clitoris as there is on the tip of the female, on the female penis, male penis. Right? But that that's not the clitoris is not just the one button there's

several other parts to uh the clitoris there's a bit to go down into the labia which are very sensitive it's like if you look at the clitoris and all the things that goes off it does look like something from alien it looks like a face hugger like all the bits and i keep talking i'm nearly there right when you go inside and you know if you're fingering a girl and you go upwards and then you do the come Heather motion that there is the clitoral cluster so that like abrasive bit when you yeah so that's a lot of the other nerve endings from the thing but also unlike the male orgasm which is anywhere between I think is like 30 or 80 percent like imagination or oh no like men it's like 40 percent mental and

60 percent physical. Like, even if a guy doesn't want to be jerked off, you could probably jerk him off and he'd still come. Whereas the female orgasm, depending on who the female is, a lot of it is very mental-based. Because it's a more intrusive act than jerking off, which is not intrusive in any way. It's obviously more trust-based, so it's more...

Sorry, look... I'm paraphrasing the whole book look i'm paraphrasing the whole book i'm paraphrasing the whole book but that's what i've learned from it so finally with my ex-girlfriend i'm like we're gonna fucking do this gonna and it started i bet that got out in the mood put your legs in these stirrups yeah and i'm just looking i'm just licking my fingers and turning the page being like oh no this is already well i'll just use that but turning the pages of a kindle and um uh yeah and then we started doing that for a bit and obviously the trust went up and it was more sort of intimate you do all the other things that are involved and there's just one point where she was like you've got to stop i'm gonna pee and i'm like if peeing is what it

takes you to come just peel like because she was like it feels like, it feels like pee. And I'm like, well, then it must be something to do with it. But when I've been with other girls who've done that, they've just let fly. I'm not adverse to that. Like, you know what?

I wouldn't, we've discussed this off the podcast, actually, the thing about what, like, I don't get why people are into the piss fetish, right?

One, you know what? If Natalie was into that, I'd open the door to it right it's not something i'm gonna pursue but i'd be like if that's your thing that's all right like if somebody i look i'm the same like if i if i'm with a girl and she's got a thing that she's into i'm like look i'll give her a go but this is something that i don't think many people take into consideration they're too busy worried about like germs or piss or whatever right but the physical

unattractiveness of your physique when you piss is right i've caught myself because i stand up to piss and i'm going to go to hotels where there's like angles and mirrors right no matter what shape you're in when you're pissing your belly like bellows out like a fucking little poor ethiopian boy like an oxfam advert and it is like a even if you're skinny right you end up with a fucking Malteser belly. Like, a bullet-ball belly. Because your body, like, shapes up, it postures up to piss. Like, who's going to be attracted by that if you just look up and there's some fucking pot-belly cunt looking like the fucking Hormone Monster of Big Mouth?

Just stood out here pissing. I didn't mean to piss, but fucking, I don't know, suck that in or something. To be fair, I reckon whoever's into someone pissing them aren didn't mean to piss, but fucking hell, I'll suck that in or something. To be fair, I reckon whoever's into someone pissing on them aren't into it for the view. I think you've really over-analysed the fetish. It's definitely worth taking into consideration. Sort of your posture, man.

Look at your back. It's funny as fuck. Because even when I was in ridiculous shape in the summer if you catch yourself in the mirror at an angle like where the mirrors hit each other so you're like like you just look over your shoulder and you get a proper side on view piss piss posture is the worst i've never noticed can't have a look i'll keep the podcast going oh i can't i can't i believe the audience can't wait for your more fucking idioms you know I was

talking to Gav today and he was saying about how funny it was in the podcast how fucking munted you were for the first bit

of the podcast when Matty was on and how much you so bad up when I lawyered you with the cup because people got infuriated

by that by the way oh rightfully so I've listened to it back I got a couple of messages off people going oh my god that was so frustrating with the cup but to be fair to be fair one I was munted and also I will stand by so i've listened to it i got a couple of messages off people going oh my god that was so frustrating but to be fair to be fair one i was money didn't also i will stand by the i've listened to it back and i was like oh that's when i should have caught on originally but just

clearly i had my idea in my head of what you meant and i wasn't listening to what you actually meant but it's so bad you're up so much being proved wrong no it wasn't that's not why i said like fuck game face that's not why I said that it's because I knew Mike was in the podcast and I didn't just rip him that's an important

I was like we've got a new enemy he was tough to rip actually he just owned everything didn't he trying to fucking slaughter him

he was like took it out took it on the chin right so we go into muggle corner you want to do your first muggle corner sure I do

we're doing two aren't we? Aye Right so I've jotted something down but we've already covered it So let's just put that in Muggle Corner real quick Muggles don't take a hint on reading room Oh yeah Yeah if someone's like fucking trying not to be rude But pitching it

Yeah I don't understand Pitching it for you to just Like I feel like this is a potentially sensitive subject we're heading on to, but fuck it, let's do it anyway. I don't realize how un-self-aware other people are. I can tell when I'm not wanted pretty well. I think I think I can, for sure. But you meet people who are just like,

I'm being nice, but how can you... Obviously, I'm being nice, but how can you not tell that I'm just being nice? Because even when people are just being nice to me and flattering me, just to clear me out the room or get away, they're being nice, but they're clearly finishing the conversation.

I pick up on that constantly, and I'm like, all right, I'll make my excuses and leave. And I think it's very much... I don't really want to be anywhere where I don't feel like I'm adding value. This is what... If I don't feel like the people around me are invested in us, I'm like, you know what like I'm adding value or want it, like if I don't feel like the people around me are like

invested in it, I'm like you know what I'm going to get somewhere where I'm appreciated Well this fucking brings me on to, this is a sensitive subject but I'll go on into obviously the Harvey Weinstein thing has come out and this whole hashtag me too thing which has been

horribly eye opening Is this one of your muggle corners? No, no, no. Let's start with this then. No, no, hold on. Let me just finish my point here. It's on the thing of not reading the room. It's a vein of that. I've no friends that have been sexually harassed and sexually

abused. They've always been open about it to me. And I've always known it has existed. I've never seen it happen. I like to think. has existed I've never seen it happen I like to think I hope I haven't and sort of let it slide but seeing all these things on Facebook and Twitter

you suddenly realise Jesus Christ it's been really eye opening I think it's been really fucking groundbreaking actually genuinely groundbreaking people are just coming forward

and just like laying it out this is mine this is mine so much and everyone's doing it and I love that like a couple of days later people are like

it's took me a while to get the courage or to articulate it but I'm just like a couple of days later people are like it's took me a while to get the courage articulated but I'm just like I'm fucking glad people are getting the courage you should you absolutely should

it's not something that you enjoy reading but it's progress you enjoy seeing yes because yeah it's they are giving you the perspective

that we just don't have as straight white men and it is very helpful I do get annoyed and I know it comes from a good place, but all the men getting involved,

I'm like, the whole point of this exercise is to listen. So this is my muggle corner, by the way. Oh, okay. I've wrote down, men who try to defend men as a whole, so individual men

who try to defend the group of men with the hashtag MeToo. Just let it all be an obstacle. It's not your job. Stay out of the way. Women areToo. Just let it be an obstacle. It's not your job. Stay out of the way. Like, women are trying to tell you there is a problem.

They get it too. Every one of them girls right in the MeToo status has got male friends who they trust with their life. Like, if you feel you have to defend, if you feel you have to

defend yourself, what have you done? Why are you, you are not, you haven't been named. Why are you immediately getting defensive? Like, the job of

this whole fucking me too thing is shut the fuck up and listen right digest what you are being told in the droves of evidence it's been coming and take that on board and then go out with a new attitude you are not changing the world by being like ladies i've heard you and i'm gonna make fuck you don't virtue signal you you're going through what we're all going through which is realizing we lived in a more fucked up world than we thought it was your job is to not beg your fucking self sit down shut the fuck up read what the fuck these women are saying and be horrified be absolutely horrified be as horrified as the fucking rest of us don't sit there in your high horse being like I'm aware I need to do

We all know we need to do more Just sit there and fucking take it And this is, again, this is an ignorant point But it's one I want to make I know I've You know, I've said sexist things in my life I've done ill judged What I thought was ironically sexist jokes

Not realising I've been on TV saying all women are stupid Yeah, I've done jokes There's jokes in realising I've been on TV saying all women are stupid I've been so silly with it there's jokes in my history where you look back and you don't realise the damage it does but when it comes to this whole thing

I honestly believe consent is not the easiest thing in the world to work out like I've been in I've had times when I've been with girls and there's one

not often by the way a point when just a very clear they don't say anything there's just a very clear body signal and I'm like they're not into this and then you stop

when a woman goes I'm not into this the job of you is to not go oh I'm going to make you into this. It's to stop. It's to stop. Or if you're Matty, you just go and ring someone else. I call in the troops.

I just. That's what I was saying there, Matty, about the thing you do when if a girl, like, you get to the point where you barely don't consent. You're just like, well, I like you. Hopefully we'll see each other again. I'm not in a hurry. It's this stupid male bred competition if a girl goes, I'm not in a hurry. It's this stupid male-bred competition if a girl goes, I'm not in the mood.

That's not a challenge. There could be a multitude of things. It could be. They might be insecure about... It could be on their period. There is a whole back catalogue of things that you don't want to know because you don't have the emotion

in which you're able to deal with it. Yeah, no one might have seen them naked since they broke up with their boyfriend a year ago and now all of a sudden they're making a decision on you there's so many things going through their head

that you can't even question it's not if a girl if a girl does just don't if you want to see them again good see them again they might change their attitude

if a girl goes I'm not in the mood the challenge is not I'll get you in the fucking mood it's stop and also it is but long play

no like like if you still if a girl's like It's stop. It is, but long play. No. If a girl gives you rejection, there's still part of you going, oh, but I really like this girl. Yes. I'm going to crack this code, find out what's going to make her comfortable. Yes.

It's still a challenge that you can enjoy. But only as long as What they've said there Is like I'm not in the mood Like or I'm not They're not now If they want to see you again They'll see you again

Right That's what And then that happens And if they If the thrill of the chase Is very real Oh yeah I mean

You're You can't Like you can't There's a thrill of a chase If you're with a girl In your life Yeah yeah yeah Which is

If it's on a second date I I will argue that it can be fun. But what I'm saying there is, the point I'm trying to get across... And then the glory of that where they lift their hips off the floor. They do all the sex on the floor. Right. You know, the hip... Yeah, there's nice things in something when it's... But that's the difference.

There's nice things when it's, like, flirty that, you know yeah you're on a date and they're like i'm you know uh not gonna get i'm you know they'll be like i'm not gonna fuck you in the first date and you're like i'm absolutely fine with that and then obviously you both want to have sex but you're it's it is that thing that thrill but the reason i'm getting so defensive is when you say thrill of chase it does sound like a hunter and a deer. It's just trying to make it clear that you're still in pursuit in a way. You can't sugarcoat everything and just go,

I didn't want to have sex with her. What are you talking about? I'm a friend. No, you did. Because when you say thrill of the chase and pursuit, you do want to have sex with that girl but you want to have sex with yes yes yes you want them to want to have sex with you yeah but the fact that you're already there you're already at the table right you want to have sex

with her she's already unlocked your fucking challenge you can't get too defensive and sensitive yeah sorry yeah yeah the point is if it's a mutual chase it's the best thing in the world like if it's a mutual thing of like when this is going to happen we're flirting

we're really connecting we're drinking all the time we're having fun together and one day it's going to lead to sort of this thing if it's a mutual chase that you're both aware of

fine but please be aware that it's a mutual chase I bet you most girls that you've had sexual endeavours with I bet you you've consented them in your head when you've met them.

No. You've went in your head, yeah, yeah, sure, you're in. So that's why the full of the chase is that you need them to be convinced that you are with them. You don't mean that I've said that they've consented, you mean that I'm like, I'll have sex with you. Yes, you've consented. You have consented.

Right, sorry. So that means you need her consent for this to go ahead. Of course. Right. And you're getting consent through actual signals of they are going on a second date.

You can trust me. I'm a nice guy. I can make you laugh. I'm good company. Yeah. I'm in good shape. Whatever it is. Whatever it is that you're bringing to the table,

that is going to make them go yeah I want to fuck this cunt the point I was trying to get there when it comes to awareness is I don't realise

it's the self-awareness of like I get very because you know I am very conscious of it like I would hate

to have sex with someone who didn't want to have sex with me right that's the least of the problems of that thing happening. But I just don't understand.

I've always said that when people fancy someone that doesn't fancy them, I don't get why they fancy them, because one of the most attractive things to me and a girl is that they really are to me. It's so attractive when you're like, oh yeah, cool, because I like me too. We've definitely

got a mutual fucking... See if a girl ever compliments you on something you'd like about yourself you're like you're smart like see if a girl ever and it's so it's such egocentrism and narcissism but see what a girl see if any girl goes you're actually quite deep and i'm like yeah yeah i'm quite deep actually i'm really glad you noticed that. You're smart. It's the dumbest. It's the dumbest thing. But yeah, so self-awareness. So the point there was people who aren't self-aware muggles and people who aren't aware, aren't self-aware sexually,

are rapists. And you've got to go to a separate corner, and it's in prison, right? And I mean vigilant. Stop what you're doing i'm so oh right let's move on to uh one that i think is also creepy and it refers to you what muggles take pictures of other people sleeping i think it is the lowest form of banter in the world right

well because I keep taking photos of you constantly no no this is just because the sheer volume of it is what makes it funny I sleep all the time

the sheer volume of how much you sleep just in every aspect of your life aye I'm on tour with you right now right you've been asleep

for more sleep I sleep right it's fine I enjoy sleeping right so I think it's quite a funny collage

of sleeping photos and I've missed a lot of them as well but I'm just like here he's in a flight here he's in the car here he is in the fucking airport

here he is tucked up in bed in his room I honestly think it's just uh it's it's like 13 year old sleepover before you can drink banter like oh do you feel asleep at one of you like nobody is a graceful sleeper i'm very aware that when i sleep i sleep with my fucking mouth open i'm sleeping i am vulnerable right i'm asleep I can't control it I'm asleep and I wake up

and I get off the flight and I go on Instagram and the first fucking story is you with me with my fucking mouth open I'm like what are you doing

like I was I was at my most vulnerable and you're just pitching me to the world it's so oh look at me look at me sleeping in an airplane

Hi sleeping airplanes What's your problem Now I'm just letting people know How often Why Just put a tweet He's sleeping Why did they have to

You've got rest in rest face I've got bitch in sleep face I've got I've got bitch in sleep Rest face Bitch in rest face I've got bitch in rest face I do have such a bitchy rest face You've got a bitch and rest face I do have such a bitchy rest face

You've got a wrestling addiction face I do I did realise from the photos I don't really Because I think I have Real nice dreams But from the photos you take Fuck I'm angry

In my dreams I don't know what's happening I'm so furious I'm so furious Are you dreaming about me Taking a photo That's got to be Making yourself Consciously fall asleep Go Here's another one for the album I'm so furious. I'm so furious. Are you dreaming about me taking a photo? That's got to be me.

You're self-conscious when you fall asleep, guy. Here's another one for the album. It's the worst because I'm going to sleep. I sleep. I'm like a baby, right? Because ever since I started stand-up comedy from the age of 17, I've been so used to, like, I had to go down to London a lot, right? So you have to wake up at 5 a.m. for a fucking flight.

I get on an airplane, right? And I sleep on that airplane. It's an hour's sleep. You just get in there because I'm tired. But now I've trained my brain, like Pavlov's dog, to whenever I'm in an airplane seat, I get tired, right? You could give me all the drugs in the world, seven cups of coffee and 12 hours

sleep, right? And the second I sit in an airplane sleep, see, my brain goes, this is where we sleep. Like, this is... No, really. I have to fall asleep on takeoff because, like, you get a nice recline. You get, like, this nice natural, like, fucking laying back

and that's when you've got to fall asleep. The reason I fall asleep on planes, and I know why it is, it's because I am so stubborn I can out stubborn myself say if I'm on a plane and I'm like it's two hours and I'm like I've only had five hours sleep last night

I'm not tired just now but I do need sleep I'll just close my eyes and my brain goes you're not tired and I'll go oh we'll fucking see cunt you've got a choice I am sitting down with my eyes closed for the next two hours you can decide whether i'm conscious for that or not you've got to pretend to be asleep before you sleep you're just gonna lie there like this is

what sleeping looks like i'm gonna pretend for a bit do you have any defense until i make it do you have any defense of your taking photos or something I just think the volume of it it's like it's like shit puns are shit but if you fucking do a barrage of

shit puns it starts getting impressive that you've done a million of them you're taking pictures of another person

who's asleep I know but in shit volume I'm doing it all the time but the worst thing is I feel like it's pointless now

because I've missed so many I feel like I'm not really giving a true representation of the volume of how much you sleep so you are a muggle I'm a bit of a muggle

I guess it's kind of muggly but I woke up to me mates taking drugs off us once when I was asleep was that muggly muggly of me

for being asleep I love how the fact that you were like we're friends it was me I know your mum listens and she's not she's not going to be going

you must have been smoking a spliff off I was I was using this arsehole as an ashtray that's why it's stained he actually wipes thoroughly ashtray

we've only got time for dad jokes I got one more muggle no no we've only got time but it's fine because we couldn't save the muggles

they'll find their moment of glory. All right, we'll get back to them. Right, so get in the muggle corner. Let's say three, right? If you can't read a room, if you can't take a hint. If you can't take a hint, you're a muggle. But how do you even know if that's there? Yeah, you won't notice you.

That's the worst thing. Look, just take a hint and get out of the corner. I take a hint. Just if we don't think it's you, just fucking... It probably is. It probably is. Get in the corner I take it just if you don't think it's you just fucking it probably is it probably is get in the corner also if you are

a man joining in with the me too fully get where you're coming from like it is it doesn't need said it's just shut up

no what no no don't say to them it's not to you yeah no no no but what needs said is being said

what needs said is being said by the women in their droves that are telling us what's happening yes you should be shocked yes you should be horrified

yes you should want to comment but you shouldn't comment you should fucking yeah of course you want a little bit of attention off this little wave of something that's happening of course you want to jump

in the skipping ropes and have a little bit of inclusion right just fucking sit back just let them give me a bell end you're looking at potentially a very revolutionary moment in time just talk about it me a bell and you're looking at a potentially a very revolutionary

moment in time just talk about it on the podcast oh i do yeah okay that's fair we'll both go stand in the corner that yeah that's fair we'll both go stand in the corner and uh muggles take pictures of uh legends sleeping also girls fucking fair play to you for everything you've all the the girls have said on Facebook, fucking I am loving the strength. Yep. And to ruin that bit of genuine sincerity, your dad's hips don't lie, but his arsehole has loose lips. Loose lips sing shit?

No. Your mam asked your dad to throw up all the throw all the useless junk out the house so he climbed straight in the bin your dad's ass is so flat

builders use it as a level your dad turns his phone on when he needs it and turn it off when he doesn't need it and he does the same

with you and your brothers your dad says if you know what I mean after he orders anything from McDonald's I'll have two strawberry milkshakes if you know what I mean

also can you supersize those if you know what I mean where are the napkins if you know what I mean keep the change you're going to say keep the change at McDonalds were you Not unless you're a real cun

This is a euphemism Your dad used a potato in the egg and spoon race But lost because he couldn't balance an egg on it Your dad's dog died when he was younger because it got stitches and then got a cone on its head and then it went outside and looked up at the moon when it was raining. Your dad wrote his William Creon.

Your dad uses Baroccas as bath bombs. Your dad went into the butchers with a stethoscope Panicked and started giving all the meat CPR Your dad identifies as a touch lamp Because every time I touch him he lights up And every time your mum touches him he goes dark Your dad broke his leg doing the Macarena You know how some people lick the tip of their pen

Before they write something Like you know Authors will be like Here's one Your dad does that when redecorating With a paint roller Your dad wolf whistles the bricklayers That are doing the extension on his house

Good about time About time they learned what it felt like Your dad wolf whistles the bricklayers that are doing the extension on his house. Good, about time. About time they learned what it felt like. Your dad... The girls? Oh, dad! Dad, go on Facebook, read the statuses, it's not okay! Your dad got liposuction on his jowls. He's body conscious.

Your dad listens to this section of the podcast, Confused How I Know All of These Things. Your dad's got nine points on his Healy's license. Your dad asked if he could keep the doctor's glove after his prostate exam. What was my dad doing his doctor's prostate exam? Take your client to work, take.

Your dad waves at fireworks. Whee! Hiya! How are you going? Your dad brought his own glove into the dentist and insisted that the dentist wore that one.

Was it the one he he got from the doctor? Oh, but I believe it. We are on tour in Europe. We are on tour-up. Oh, no. If you've all just logged off, that's fair. So, by the time this goes out, it will be Thursday. So we're in Belgrade, and then on will be Thursday. So we're in Belgrade.

And then on Friday the 20th, we're in Ljubljana. Saturday, we're in Zagreb. Sunday, we're in Cluj. Monday, we're in Sofia. There'll be a new podcast out then. But just in case we've got any listeners, we're then in Copenhagen, Oslo, Stockholm, Reykjavik, and Homsterdam. And that's when it all goes pitong.

Fortunately, Tom Hahn and Elliot Steele have both pulled out. Fortunately. Oh, that was a horrible thing to say. Sorry. I meant because I knew the end of the sentence. Now it just sounds like I'm mucking them off. I'm obviously devastated. I can't come back.

I've accidentally marked them both. Yeah, fortunately two of my closest friends aren't coming on holiday with me no I just meant it's Tom and Elliot

can't come to Elliot that's a cunt alright that piece of shit he's getting so frustrated that we'll call him sick on the podcast I know and he had the chance

to come and defend himself in Amsterdam but he's now pulled out of Amsterdam he said we should give me a spelling test on the podcast I've posted that on both Instagram and Twitter.

Spelling test wrong. Three times. But it does mean when we are in Amsterdam on Sunday, we'll be doing a podcast then to be released on Monday. And we only have two friends coming to Amsterdam and those two people are Barry Castagnola,

who is... The fucking bull. The bull. One of our favourite human beings. We'll have him on. And finally, Richard Massara. Who made the intro. King Muggle himself.

He made Mugglepedia. We will definitely have him on the podcast. So that is one to look forward to as well. Apart from that, genuinely Europe is the most fun. I know we have a couple of listeners over here. It's so funny to talk to them and I'm like,

do you understand everything that's being said? And they're like, yeah, we miss bits. Yeah, my bits. Yeah, just when we're drunk or munted or high. Yeah, nobody understood the Amsterdam one, even my friends in Newcastle. Apart from that, we will talk to you later, you glorious bags of shit. Morgan's out.