Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.9 Are We In The Same Seats?

Episode Date: October 23, 2017

A very sleepy Muggins and Cream are in their 5th country in the space of 3 hours sleep, for those following us on instagram story or snapchat (@kaihumphries and @danielsloss) you'll be keen to know why muggins keeps asking cream if they're in the same seat. All is explained. No Muggles were harmed in the making of this Podcast.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Tickle in the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental rent job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

Come on then, you do a good intro. Hello, welcome to the podcast. What was that? It's a fucking good intro, it's what it needs. Welcome to Sloss and Humphreys on the road. I am Sloss slash Cream, he is Kai slash Muggins. We are cranky as fuck right now oh it's just so

we've had a lovely tour so far in mainland Europe but after Zagreb we had we went

we had to stay for drinks with everyone there because it's such a good show went to bed at 2 and there was a few people back in Natasha and Nino's house so we all went back I mean my arm was so easily twisted

right I was just going to you I was walking to the house and I was having a pep talk with you again look we've got a lobby call at like 5 o'clock it's nearly 1 o'clock now

but we have to let's not drink tonight and then while we're having that conversation Natasha I was on the phone with Nino and went

Nino's in the shop do you want wine I was like we're both like yeah red please thank you we'll just have one so we went yeah so probably went I thought Nino went, Nino's in the shop, do you want wine? I was like, we're both like, yeah, red please. Thank you. We'll just have one. So we went, yeah, so probably about two,

and then lobby call was 5am, and then went to, fucking where were we yesterday? Oh, Cluj in Transylvania, and went to bed at 12. So I didn't go to sleep at all after Zagreb. I powered right through, because I was so worried about sleeping in. But then this morning we had a lot, we call it 4.45? 4, yeah.

And it's just two days of three hours sleep. And you can nap and stuff, and people go, you can sleep on a plane. So it's not the same as an eight hour sleep. It's just not. I'm going to put out days now. I'm so confused.

I'm confused with anything. The main thing that's confusing is, is are we in the same seats? Why do you know my answers? Why don't I ask? Because you were like a petulant child. It's a thing for years. When my brothers were younger, and the reason my brothers are such shitty little...

Oh, they're getting better now, but the reason they were shitty for ages was because whenever they did stuff to annoy me, I would react and that's why they did it, they did it to get a reaction and I would react and then because they're kids and that's the only way they knew how to get my attention, if they did something nice I wouldn't

react, if they did something horrible I would react and it was a stupid thing and I've learned that now, you do it to get a reaction and you're no longer getting a reaction I'll not react It's funny that your tactics hasn't worked for four years because the reason I bring this up is because there's people and I've learned that now. You do it to get a reaction and you're no longer getting a reaction. I'll not react. It's funny that your tactics hasn't worked for four years because the reason

I bring this up is because there's people that didn't listen to the podcast where we're talking about this and they're seeing my Snapchat and Instagram feed

and they don't get where it came from. It came from my first tour four years ago. And just for all those people asking the question, it also wasn't funny then?

No, it wasn't meant to be funny then. The original one was, I was asking you if we sat next to each other, because you had your boarding pass, I had mine, and just to say if we were seated together, I said, are we in the same seats?

But meaning I was sitting next to each other, and you were laughing and saying, go and stand in the corner for 30 seconds, you fucking mug, why would we be in the same seats? Because your number's not going to be printed the exact same on the ticket.

So I just decided to do it the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and I've done it non-stop for four years. Because you're a petulant child. And it's been like water torture for it. You can see dying a little bit more inside every day. Just surprising. You ever died inside?

Oh, I love it. Because you know what? I was getting a little bit bored of it. It was you ever died inside like oh I love it because you know what I was getting a little bit bored of it it was almost like I was doing it reluctantly too I would sometimes be getting on the flight with you next to you going we're in the same seats

I couldn't be asked to do it but now that I've gotten into Snapchat and Instagram and I can share with the world your misery when I see it oh

it brings a new little bit of joy I mean you know I nearly ran out of battery today and nearly couldn't do it it's you know i nearly ran out of battery today and couldn't nearly couldn't do it it's highly hypocritical of you so they've been like why do you take because your whole big complaint to me was why do i take joy in your misery that is one of the reasons like the other day when your handle on your luggage broke just anytime anytime i'm about to feel bad about something happening to you I just remember how

often you do that every day on tour and I'm like there's not enough bad things that can happen to you I don't think we've mentioned that on the podcast what? the luggage handle breaking no we've not because we mentioned it in the Q&A so we have talked about it but this and actually brought it up on

before it happened I brought up this this is a bad thing I knew when we were doing I Love You, but. And I apologised for it then, and I absolutely take it back now. My luggage handle broke, so I just bought an 18-pound suitcase, and I went to get the handle out, and the handle's just stuck in, like, solid, and I couldn't get it out. I'm just rolling around in this big fucking hefty suitcase with no handle. And I've now seen you so happy.

You're happy now now with me living it your face you were so annoyed and so sad you just kept got a big tour ahead of us and you always look to me for sympathy and you know

you're never going to get it but every time there's just these people because I'm just surprised that you haven't learned it. I wouldn't have noticed. I wouldn't have noticed had you just left it

and then fixed it yourself and let it run but it was just the oh Norma, my baggage handle's broken I was in such a good mood the day in fact I confused the promoter

something rotten because we're in Sofia right now and the promoter was helping us into the hotel get checked in and stuff

and I took the handle out and with a little bit of elbow grease it come out and then once it was out it would close

and go back in again and I was just looking at you going ha ha and I was like opening my handle pulling my handle out putting it back in you look like the biggest simpleton in the world be like look up and down up and down i think in your face how do you like that how did the promoters look at this guy fucking hell fucking this guy loves

luggage but then i had the momentary panic where i was like well if the handle works it may not be me i I quickly opened it, not a check. So last time, where did we do the last podcast? I don't know. Vienna? No. Was it, where were we? Listeners, where were we?

Shout. Shout it? Where were we? Where were we? Oh, that is another thing I have to bring up, right? I'm actually empathetic to your struggle in this part, which is when it comes to your accent, like you cannot help your accent.

It's like where you're raised and stuff. And also you've got the advantage of when we tour in the UK, it's not as bad there. People still understand you because they've met, you know, Geordies before. But then you've got the thing of in my company as well, because I'm so fluent in Geordie now, like even if I miss seven words that you've said,

I can work it out by the end of the sentence. But the other day doing the encore in Zagreb there were so many points when I just had to stop you and I was like you are doing this gig as if you're talking to me like you were literally there was points and you were getting so frustrated by it and you were getting frustrated at me for calling you

out on it and I was like you not know the reason they are laughing is because they understood nothing you just said and I literally had to join in. You know what it is? When I'm doing my set, I've worked out how I need to pitch it, what words I need to enunciate.

I've learned how to tell those stories to be understood. But when you're in free form, it's such a different... Yeah, and I can't plan for what we're going to talk about on the bit at the end. And also, I feel sad backstage having a drink. Aye. So you're coming on fucking... Having a skin full of wine. Yeah, there's also several times you do it with...

Where, what? Every time we go, every time we meet a promoter or whatever, we had the lovely Flavia in Cluj. We have... Oh, balls, what's his name for today? Florin? Ivo. Oh,

Ivan today. Because some tour promoters we have, like there's Tin in, Libyana, who speaks, and Nino and Natasha in Croatia, who speak absolutely fluent English. They've almost got like a slight English accent too.

Yeah. Like they've barely got the Slavic accent. But here there's points when you've learned how to slow down your accent, but you've not learned how to take colloquialisms out of your speech. So you'll be talking to them like, they're like, how was your flight? And you're like, oh, you know, it was fine. And it's like you've confused them with the first part of the sentence.

I was canny. I, it was canny. I, it was canny. So, like, trying to decipher that from the... Someone's learned English, right? They've learned yes means yes. And canny isn't a word, right? And I is a letter.

How was your flight? I, it was canny. Right, imagine hearing that as one word. Aye, it was canny. It's like the name of a fucking motorbike. Yeah, yeah. You know what type of motorbike you get? I got an I will canny 3000.

Aye, it's diesel. It's got turbo injection. Can you get diesel motorbikes? Are they not all diesel? I don't think so. Why? Like, this is something I'm completely ignorant in. But in my head, diesel's like an economy fuel.

And, like, motorbikes are just, like, fucking economy, just open road. But, like, they're quite economy. I'm sorry, what noise did they make? Fucking hell. Imagine putting a plastic bottle in the brakes on an actual motorbike. A double motorbike. Something like that. Anyway, I'm tired.

I've always... I'd say... I've always wanted to get a motorbike, but I don't trust myself. I've rapped everything that I've drove. And also, I know how I drive in cars, right? I'm so impatient in cars. You would just be overtaking everything.

I would be overtaking everything and I'd die. And I would. Because every time I'm in traffic and I see a motorbike, I'm not even angry at them. I'm like, you lucky bastard. That must be the best thing. See, if I had a motorbike, I would be going down that fucking middle aisle.

I'd have my feet on the handlebars and I would just be kicking off every single wing mirror of a fucking car that didn't indicate I would just

I would just be like a social justice road warrior right just I'd have a little hammer a chain yeah I properly would

I would have something on the back I would have banana peels I'd have pies A red shell A blue shell If I saw you being a shitty driver Because the only reason I temper

In my road rage nowadays Is because I know I'll get my fucking head kicked in I would happily spend Six months on a motorcycle and have them Find me a lot of money And never be able to ride a motorcycle again. If for those six months, I just got to be like,

every shitty driver I see, I'm going to be the most obnoxious person in the world. See if you're one of the... I only get mad at people who get mad on the road. If I'm behind someone that's going slow, except if I'm on a country road and someone's doing a bit under the speed limit limit i can kind of just sit patiently behind them i don't need to overtake them as much as i don't want to die yeah so like you will be like up their ass

you'll be like like bopping out can i get by i'm gonna take this opportunity and i know a lot of people like that i think i'm in the minority i will happily just fucking listen to my tunes all right sit behind them i'm like what am i going to say every minute i'm not annoyed at those people driving safely i'm like you are driving at the speeds you're comfortable at but the speed i'm comfortable driving at which is still by the way because i don't if you're on if you're on a 60 mile an hour road and it's fucking 4 a.m and it's curvy and you want to do 40 miles an hour i'm like fine right you're you just you're not safe with that i'm fine doing 60 on those roads right i'm a very good driver i drive constantly like i've got decent reactions because you know i'm on pills i've got i get the one thing that i've downloaded on you and you

use this a lot it was there i get annoyed at people who think me indicator is asking permission yeah when it's indicating you know when you're going to get back into lane say like your slip roads coming up yeah right so you indicate it again at the left lane so you can take a slip road and then they try and close that gap they're not like in and you're like oh oh i'm not asking if i can get in i'm indicating yeah that that's where i'm going literally telling you if i hit your car this is fucking on you now, son. Oh, it's like when people in BMWs close the gap, and it's like,

bitch, I drive a Volkswagen Golf. Do you think I'm not willing to get this thing pinged? It's 10 years fucking old. As if I give a shit if I nick your car. What are you doing? Mate, I'll get out of the back

and I'll punch your kid and see if I give a fuck. So yeah, I rarely get, you get quite a bit of people rage as well especially in airports oh behind someone and um people are in the way a lot like i always try and live my life is don't be an obstacle to other people so for other people have been an obstacle to me i'm just like you've you've got your ethics all wrong you need to fix your ethics don't be an obstacle don't get people don't like walk into a doorway and then stop and ponder what you're

gonna do like get out the doorway get to the and then stop and ponder what you're going to do. Get out the doorway, get to the left, then stop and ponder. It's the same thing with driving with people. You do not get to dictate the pace someone else lives their life. If you want to go slow on a road, that's absolutely fine. But if you're stopping someone getting back in or something, you're dictating you, and that's why I get annoyed about slow drivers because I'm like, you're dictating my pace. That's not the pace I want to go. And it's the same

in fucking airports. That's why I'm surprised you hate London as much as you do actually because they've started getting systems where like going up an escalator everybody stands on the right and walks on the left. So if anybody's standing on the left, the whole world has the right to get mad at them. Even though this

isn't a rule, this is just something that they've developed. Right? You can go, fuck that cunt, get over to the right. They've developed that rule. Whereas if you're in Edinburgh, you guarantee you're on Waverley Station, and you're going to step on the escalator, and someone's going to be stood in front of you. That's where the rest of the world is flawed

compared to London. But London is still People are still slow Even though yeah They're very fucking I don't know what the word is Regimented They'll yell at each other I'm also like

You are still all going far too slow For the pace I want to go I've never ever understood people that go, it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. No, it's absolutely about the fucking destination. What are you talking about? Of course it's about the fucking destination.

Who enjoys the journey? What are you, like, because Milo McCabe always calls me on it, like, whenever we're out going clubbing, I want to get to the next place we're going, right? See, that's the thing. Come on, finish your drinks.

Fucking chill out. Hands in your pants. We're walking somewhere and there's ten people and I know that I am the only person That's dashing ahead where we're all just having a chat No, no, no. I'm the only person that one, knows the way. Two, is

constantly checking where everyone is because I know I'm the one that's going to get a fucking phone call if someone gets lost and goes, do you know where, because I'm the only one that's got a sense of direction, right, everyone else will be like, we took a wrong turn,

where are you, I'm the one that's going to, so I'm the one that's going, I'm following the people at the front, right, and I'm like, I'll walk with you, and I'll lead the way,

because none of you know where you're going, oh surprise, surprise, Tom and Kai are at the back, fucking shuffling, so I go back, and then those people are going too far ahead, so I've got to corral you, and you're going. Oh, surprise, surprise. Tom and Kai are at the back fucking shuffling. So I go back and then those people are going too far ahead.

So I've got to corral you and you're like, actually, I'm like, you're literally not going where we're meant to be going. I give less of a fuck when I leg if people drop off. I just be like,

ah, that takes where I am. I just want a WhatsApp group. I'm in the fucking bulldog. I want to be where we're going next because that's when I get to that's when I'm no longer in charge the one time I start

getting rage with with other human beings is when I'm going through the airport security and I have I've got a little smudge on my passport

I spilt wine on it in Thailand oh is this this fucking cow at was it fucking Luton airport yep oh she could die the one at Luton Airport yep oh she could die

the one at Luton Airport there was also a guy today kept looking at it and he did like he didn't ask us about it but he looked at it

and he was gonna do something and he like he scanned it because it's electronic so there's a little like smudge on the top corner it doesn't like

none of my facial features are smudged but the top of my head is like water blurred right and most people just scan it because it's electronic

and it comes up on the screen as the fucking main picture that's on the system right and then look at my face and go that's him

but to be fair that guy there was well within his right because he's actually the passport checker yeah but any of them right so even that

yeah I see what you're saying the woman that was just checking my bag in that was none of her business oh she can fuck off like it's such a fucking hack thing to say but it was an easy jet flight an orange flight Yeah, I see what you're saying. The woman that was just checking my bag in, that was none of her business. Oh, she can fuck off. It's such a fucking hack thing to say, but it was an easy jet flight,

an orange flight, with a woman with far too much makeup on. And we're just checking her bags. It's out of her jurisdiction. It's not her job. This wasn't her job. It's not her job. That wasn't her job. She wasn't on the security measures.

This was the same bitch. It's like someone's helping you at the self-service checkout. It's a self-service, and she's there bossing you around and being rude to you. And it's like someone coming up and just, like, grabbing your groceries

and fucking scanning them through in a badge. You're like, fucking hands off my shit. I'm very glad that robots are... I'm real sad with the levels of unemployment, but if a robot takes your job, at least a robot's not going to be as much of a fucking cunt as you are.

Because she was the same one. I had my phone in one hand because I was checking the schedule, right? And I had my passport and my boarding pass in the other one. I'd scan my boarding pass into the machine. It'd give me the thing, and she's like, can I see your boarding pass? And I was like, you don't need to see it. I've put it in the machine, and the next machine that needs it is over there, and the woman that lets me on the flight, or the man, right?

Those are the people that need to see the boarding pass. You're bored, right? You're bored. It's fabulous. So I've got two hands filled, and she goes, I need to see your boarding pass. So I put my passport in my pocket, and I get the boarding pass. I put my phone in my mouth, and she goes,

I also need your passport. I'm like, can you not see that all of my extremities are literally occupied by the fucking arbitrary task you've got me doing? Oh, man. She... I really appreciate that people that are on poor wage jobs aren't going to be in a great spirit and aren't going to have a nice time.

But it makes us kind of fucking glad, though, aren't you, money? I'm just saying you don't deserve to be on a decent paid job like you're not making an effort you're not trying to like climb your way up to it like you're not going to build up a skill set you're not going to like apply for shit i was like you're fucking stuck here enjoy your six punt and then but the what i was getting at is every time the think about rejecting my passport, right, I know it can let me through.

I've been to Australia on it. I've been to Thailand on it. I've been to Dubai on it. I've been to most countries in Europe by now on it, right? But every now and again, somebody considers ruining my day, and I know they don't have to because every other place hasn't. When they're thinking about fucking spoiling my day, I've killed them in five six different

ways in my head oh yeah as you said oh Kai what happened to your passport a big fat load of none of your

fucking business like nothing I came on it it's fake it's also a bomb it's none of your business what's wrong

with my passport because you're not the passport person the passport person is over there with the passport checking qualifications not the stand up

inside the machine in case it breaks down qualifications. And if I'm, because the only reason I haven't replaced it is because I've needed it consecutively for a while. And maybe he's could have done it when I was at the Fringe, I'm not sure. I don't think he can. Anyway, I've been a bit complacent. Life on the road. And it's fucking, I need to get it done. But if you're going to spend fucking £300 plus on a passport, it's fucking I need to get it done but if you're going to spend

fucking 300 pound plus on a passport make it fucking waterproof like a lot of things that aren't waterproof yeah travel document

do you remember the first time you went to Australia and you found waterproof money and you were like why is this not everywhere like how is the rest of the world just seeing them doing that

and going ah like Australia's but then also to Australia how is Australia I love the book. How is the rest of the world just seeing them doing that and going, ah. Like, Australia's ahead in that sense. But then also, to Australia, how is Australia not watched what the rest of the world has done on gay marriage and not gone. It's so weird. It's so weird how ahead that country is. In so many parts.

No, I think Australia used to be. I think we used to think Australia was ahead in the world. But when I visit now, we're saying that we all go to the metropolises. We all go to the metropolises. We all go to Melbourne and Sydney who are really progressive. Maybe the countryside is like... I've never been out of the old mining communities. I think that's where the problem lies. Australia, I think we used to think of as very liberal

because they had a female Prime Minister who was single and also openly an atheist. And it was like, holy shit you didn't need to pretend to have a belief you did to win the vote But do you think the mullet population is bigger than we think? The mullet population?

The mullet population of Australia Yeah, clearly, I think that's and you're experiencing that everywhere in the world like, the left wing were in charge for too long and now it's the right turn for a while and we're like, oh balls we probably should have legalised that before before, because we've wing were in charge for too long and now it's the right turn for a while and we're like oh balls we probably should have legalized that before before because we've because i'm telling you we've got

several more years of right wing government before the left it always it's a fucking pendulum it swings because everyone wants change yeah everyone's changed so we'll live in a fucking right wing thing we'll watch them you know hopefully doing a good job like you deal with where you go don't want them to win but they have dude um also speaking of australians and driving i tell you who i'm glad doesn't drive nick cody not because i don't think he would be wouldn't be a good driver he always on the beer no just because nick c Cody is... You know how angry I am most of the time and the impatience I have. That's why me and Nick Cody get on so well.

Oh, fuck yeah. Me and Nick Cody... I think he'd have really creative road rage, though. I'd love to hear his insults when he's at the wheel. I think that would be an entertaining drive. Oh, I don't think there would be any creativity towards it. Because Nick would be so focused on driving that it would

just be nick is because my road rage stops i've never rolled down a window for road rage right nick would take his seat belt off for road rage i'll tell you about me made craig opening the fucking guy's door no i opened the guys so he was in a van i can't remember what happened it was something about like the guy like i think craig was, like, up his arse and the thing, so the guy slowed down at, like, five mile an hour and just crept. So every time Craig went to overtake him in the van, he started speeding up again to get away,

and he just messed, like, and fucking Craig's a big dude, man. Like, you can fuck with him. You just don't. Where's your fucking rearview mirror? Have a look what you're fucking messing with. And then they pulled up at the traffic lights. It was fucking red light, and Craig pulled up to the traffic lights. It was a fucking red light.

And Craig pulled up to the other side of him and just wound his window down. He's shouting at him, knocking on the fucking thing for him to wind his window down. And this fucking guy's trying to act like it's not happening. And he just opened his door and he started fucking shouting at him

from his van through his door. And the guy fucking sped off fucking through the red lights. People slamming their brakes on at the crossroads. This dude fucking flew off with a door flapping, one of my favourite things it was weird that oh yeah, it happened the other day, I can't remember where

we were driving from but I was driving and I think what happened was I was probably, I'll admit now, I was probably in the wrong at the time I think, I'd done everything fine but I think I hadn admit now, I was probably in the wrong at the time. I think I'd done everything fine, but I think I hadn't indicated that I was coming off left on the roundabout.

But that's because the guy that was in the lane behind me, I didn't cut him off. He was literally following the car. I didn't indicate off left, but I was in the lane for going left. I didn't cut across any lane. Fair enough, I did need to indicate left, but he honked three

times one honk or if he just flashed me i would have been like oh yeah sorry i forgot but he went and i'm like right no so obviously window down middle finger there's your fucking dinner have that and uh just in the rear view mirror just the whole time he was like, pull over, pull over. And I'm like, I'm not pulling over for your safety, right? It's not, I don't think I could kick your ass. But if you think for a second you're getting out of this car and this car is going to watch you. And he just kept following us and following us and following us.

And you were just like, please don't get me into a fight. And I'm like, I'm trying now to is this not the day where I totally hung over was it after Norwich yeah I was like oh

no no it wasn't after Norwich it was was it on the way to Warwick because I remember there was a day where I was rough as fuck oh yeah

it might have been actually yeah I'm gonna be in a fight alright what do we know it started fucking bad it was just like a 50 it was a 55 year old man

like trying to start a fight with two regular gym goers and like I probably wouldn't hurt him probably just put him in the boot

you bought a bar collar man that is one of the fucking can you just take his keys and throw them into the fucking farmer's field or something just something fucking properly annoying

that doesn't hurt him but like oh yeah that would be just bullies him yeah that would be good yeah that would be great Farmer's Field or something Just something fucking Annoying That doesn't hurt him But like Oh yeah that would be Just bullies him Yeah That would be good Yeah that would be great You throw his keys

In the fucking woods Go Go and take the Take Make him just Like threaten him And make him take All of the

Fucking Metal dusties Off his car Just watch the tires Deflate Just fucking Rev the engine And grind the gears the fucking metal dusties off his car. Just watch the tires deflate. Just fucking rev the engine and grain the gears. Just make him sit in the

lay-by and just put his foot down on the accelerator so he just runs out of gas. Just make him sit there. He's like, can I stop now? I'm like, no, no, no. You were a dick. I was also a dick, right? But I wasn't, you know. I didn't chase you down and threaten you. I gave you a middle finger. I was also a dick, right, but I wasn't, you know. I didn't chase you down and threaten you. I gave you a middle finger. I deserved

the honk. You deserved the middle finger. We both won there. You're the one that wanted this fight, okay? We did the nice thing. We stopped you getting into the fight, which you would have lost, but you do need to be punished socially. My mum's got one of the fucking craziest stories. It's not her. It happened to her, but

like, mum works in the UN so she's obviously travelling around doing conferences around the world and this is one of the reasons why I won't gig in Russia that and a multitude of other reasons that they terrify me but there was, they were in like a

some part of Russia, it was rural like I think they'd gone to Moscow but then there was another bit, and there was an airport somewhere. And just one of her friends was driving down a road towards the airport. And it's a rural road. It's quite early in the morning.

And this car pulls up. Oh, maybe it was late at night because it was the headlights. Yeah, so the car behind it, the car keeps flashing, flashing, flashing. So it eventually pulls over, and just these two big russian guys come out and they go give us your wallet your keys and your passport and he's like are you kidding they're like this is our road give us the wallet your keys and your passport and he's like can i keep the passport right you can take the car you can take the wallet but like i'm just walking please can i

just have the passport it's like all right okay and they take the car but like i'm just walking please can i just have the passport it's like all right okay and they take the car and they drive away and he's just walking down it's like six miles still to the airport it's just like they've got his phone as well there's nothing he can do he's just walking down there and he sees two lights coming up the road and they pull over and two massive russian guys get out and they go give us your wallet and your phone. He's like, I've just been through this. I've literally just gone through this. They took my car and he's like,

he's trying to stay strong, not show weakness. And they're like, hold on, somebody stole your car on this road. And he's like, yeah. How long ago? He's like, about 45 minutes ago. Well, where did they go? And he points back down the road. They're like, stay here. And they speed off.

And he's just sat there for two hours. Just passport. He's missed his flight. There's nothing he can do. He's just sat on the side of the road. Hearing wolves howling in the background. And then two headlights start coming down the road behind him. And it's his rental car and the other car.

And the second of the Russian guy gets out of the car. He goes, is this your car? And he goes, yeah, that's his rental car and the other car right and one of the big the second of the Russian guy gets out of the car he goes is this your car and he goes yeah that's the rental and they give him the keys give him his wallet

give him his phone and they open up the boot to their car and they go and were these the two guys that stole it and it's just two gagged Russians and he goes

yeah that's and he just goes yeah that's them and they go go to the airport and never come back La la la la la No honour amongst thieves

Aye No that is honour amongst thieves That's dishonour amongst thieves Getting retribution Aye No Because they were like On their patch

If there was honour amongst thieves Aye One of them had no honour Aye Is that a true story then? I mean it's like Because it reeks of folklore. It does reek of folklore,

but it was told to me by my mum, and she was told... It's a bedtime story. While we were in Russia. Did you see it? Aye. So where have we been? Because we couldn't remember

where we were doing the last podcast because we were so discombobulated and confused. Because in the space of five countries i've had three hours sleep do you know that because i'm because i missed that one night um i have been to libyana where i woke up oh let's talk about oh yeah hold on hold on let's actually work out where we were so we must have recorded the podcast in bratislava is where we were. It was after the gig. We were on the bed drinking the wine. So after Bratislava,

we went to Belgrade. The lovely and terrifying as always Belgrade. Also, a big thank you to the people in Belgrade. There was that lovely girl who, by the way, was the first winner of the Who Chose Juice shirt. She literally was not expecting it in Belgrade there was that lovely girl who by the way was the first winner of the Who Choose Juice shirt

yay she literally was not expecting it in Belgrade because we'd not been there for two years it was one place where we absolutely did not expect

to have podcast listeners but she was the first one that came up to us she was like I choose juice it was literally the first audience member we spoke to

after putting it out on the podcast so it went away we released the podcast that day so she won the first Who Choose Juice shirt and then gave us

a lovely gift of some grape wine grape brandy yeah grape brandy which we're going to save for when we are in Amsterdam Amsterdam we'll sell that

so thank you genuinely thank you to everyone in Belgrade thank you for the muggle socks to the fan in Ljubljana fan in Ljubljana we are loving

getting gifts of fans by the way so and it's an awful thing to ask for but just a thank you to everyone that has, because every single one of them has made us laugh. I'm not asking, but I'm saying I fucking love it.

All we're telling you is, we remember who brought us gifts, and we talk to them longer. And thank you to everybody who brought us the gift of weed. Aye, aye. So in Ljubljana, the guy who was like, I listened to the podcast, and I was like, all right, okay, I'll give you,

and you've given us a muggle. He didn't say who's juice, but I was like, you did give us muggle socks. And he was like, I listen to the podcast. And I was like, all right, OK, I'll give you. And you've given us a muggle. He didn't say who's juice. But I was like, you did give us muggle socks. And he's like, I've not listened to last week's podcast. And I was like, I feel it would be shitty if you brought us this gift. And I don't give you a gift in return. So he got the second one. So there's two left.

Nobody in Cluj. And nobody in Zagreb listens to the podcast. At all? No. Despite having quite a lot of return fans. Oh, yeah, too. The places where we have some of the biggest audiences. Maybe they're not interested.

Maybe podcasts haven't caught on yet. Just like gay marriage. As well, while we're mentioning, we've got a few listeners from the European tour on our podcast. Nick Cody and Mickey Bartlett are going to be following our footsteps in a month's time. Yes, yes.

So, annoyingly, Zagreb... Oh annoyingly, if you are in Belgrade, Nick Cody and Mickey Bartlett are going to be there next month. We speak about Nick Cody all the time on the podcast. He is, to both of us, genuinely one of the best working comedians. He is hysterical. I've watched his show. I've watched it five days in a row when I was in Brisbane just because I enjoy his stand-up that much uh Mickey Bartlett is also a phenomenal comedian he's doing at the support go see them there and they are also in Cluj at next month they're both killers and they're coming around Europe and I think it may be that I mean I think

they've done the occasional gig in Europe yeah but this is their first European tour, isn't it? I think, yeah. Cody's done his solo show in Belgrade before, but he's doing a bit more, so definitely get involved in that. Because the more famous Nick Cody gets in these places and the more famous I get in these places, I mean, in five years' time,

we can finally do the Dream Tour, which will just be called, we'll just call it On The Road or something. Like a road show where it's just a bunch of us going. A that's the one dream we want to eventually do in europe is one year i just won't write a new show but once i get to my 15th one i'll take a year off of comedians yeah and we'll mix it we'll mix it up as well you know and we'll get five comedians on the road and we'll you know be us two and then each week we'll get three new comedians on. We'll get, like, you know, Andrew Stanley, Gareth Wong. All right, maybe.

Ljubljana. So in Ljubljana, we have been to Ljubljana for the past three years on tour. This is my fourth. This is my fourth. This is the fourth year. It's always been one of our favourite gigs. It's always, it's just an absolute joy there. We've stayed in the same fucking hotel every year,

and this year we had, we didn't need to get picked up until the next day, until like 11. It was Saturday night. We got picked up at 11. The next two days are four o'clock, so there's not much we can fucking do the next two nights. So let's go and have a drink. Have a drink. So we asked the audience, where's a good drink?

And they keep saying a place called Metal Cova. Which is like a squat. It used to be a prison. Yeah, it's a squat. It used to be a prison. And I'm like, and what bar there? And they're like, we can't. What bar should we meet you in?

And they're like, no, no, you don't meet in bars. You just go to Metalkova. And I'm like, be more specific. There's obviously a bar. It's Army Barracks. Yeah. Like, is that a prison? Well, it was Army Barracks, and then it was a prison.

And you're like, oh, yeah, OK. Now it's a night out. Yeah. So we go there. And the thing that annoyed us most, it's a night out yeah so we uh go there and it's the thing that annoyed us most it's literally five minutes from the hotel we've stayed in for the past four fucking years and we've just missed this place it's just down the road like we fell out a hotel down the road that we thought it was on going well this is dead turned a corner and went oh this must be it and it was like ross kemp on gangs that there's just people Roskamp on gangs

but the nicest people in the world. With bandanas on their mouths and shit and like fucking just Everyone is drinking outside. There's a climbing frame that everyone hangs on

and there's not there's a club there which plays music but the other bars aren't really bars. They're kind of just like someone's house where they're serving booze.

Plastic cups with like wine and spirits in and like cheap as fuck cheap as fuck two glasses of wine right

two glasses of wine red wine and I mean big glasses of red wine there's no measurements in Europe because they're just plastic cups

they're just plastic cups four euros like half a pint really four euros for half a pint of fucking wine I went in with ten euros

and I was like I'll get two glasses of wine and two shots. This is going to be like, you know, if that was in Iceland, it'd be fucking 25 euros.

Yeah, Sweden. Oh, but there, she was like, yeah, here's your change. And I'm like, change? For four drinks? You fucking,

and these are big shots. And then we're, some of the, they were double shots because, like, it was catching me off guard when I was going to shoot it

and I needed to do a second gulp yeah oh that second gulp's naughty because like a bit stays in your mouth and one of the we met some fans there we also met

one of our fans works in a hostel there so she had met like there was two English people there there was also a guy from Brazil and a guy from Argentina

and we were hanging around with them Austin from Argentina not to be mistaken from from Argentina, from Austin. Okay, well it wasn't worth it. We, at one point she goes, do you want any weed? And I was like, oh yeah, I'd love some weed. And she goes, just go outside.

And we go outside and the guy's like, do you want weed? And I'm like, what are you waiting for us? He's like, no. He's like, how much? He's like do you want wheat and I'm like what are you waiting for us he's like no you know how much it was like 10 pound a gram 10 euros per gram yeah

10 euros per gram now he's stocked up he doesn't have flights for like all of it so we're just sitting there in a fucking park

well there was the bit where she was like hey because we heard about the prison and she was like oh the hostel where I'm at

is an old prison do you want to come see it so we went in it's got like these big fucking metal gates like you would

expect in a prison and then we went to the dungeons downstairs and if anyone's followed on my Instagram and my Snapchat stories

we went down into the dungeon and there was just a moment where I'm in what I still consider Eastern Europe even though

they offended when you call it Eastern Europe it's still fucking too far east for my liking. The graffiti on the walls says Eastern Europe. In Bratislava,

it's nice to be in Eastern Europe. They're like, we're not Eastern Europe. I'm like, you're east of Scotland. Anywhere where you look at the high-rise buildings and think, I could have made that. You're in Eastern Europe. Look, if I don't understand the graffiti, like if the graffiti you have on your walls Reminds me of a Call of Duty game

You're Eastern Europe If all of the health and safety legislation is just one line saying Watch what you're doing You're Eastern Europe If your idea of cooking a steak Is running a fucking lighter Under it for 30 seconds And calling that medium rare

You're Eastern Europe If every time I do a shot of what you've done a fucking lighter under it for 30 seconds and calling that medium rare you're eastern europe okay if every time i do a shot of what you've done i could also use it to take the fucking paint off of my car but i don't need to because none of the cars have paint on it you're eastern europe and we love you you're the best if you say vodka with a w and don't sound like you've got a speech impediment yeah eastern. Eastern Europe. I do love, and I know they're not all Eastern Europe. It's the same thing. We're so hypocritical because that's like, I'll snap at these people if they call me British or English.

I'll be like, no, I'm Scottish. I'm doing the exact same thing. It's ignorant meets ignorance. You know what I find funny about it in Serbia as well, and I mentioned this day, is there's certain, like, cultures where I think they're hard. Like, I think Geordies are hard people, especially Ashton, like,

in Northumberland. That's a hard race of people, right? You go to Glasgow, and they're hard people, like, a battle horn. Oh, and Edinburgh.

Hard from all the violin lessons. Yeah, they've just got calluses on their fingers from just playing too much fucking jazz piano. And then you get to Serbia, and you're like, oh, that's what hard looks like.

Oh, man. You've like... And it's not an insult, like, because, like, the women in these countries as well, and some of the men, are very, very attractive people, but I'm just like, you all sharpen your fucking knives with your teeth what was it you said that all look like GTA villains yeah they all look like people

from the fourth Grand Theft Auto game like remember Nico I'm just like and they laugh at that they're just like yeah they're all hard looking oh there was a guy last night so we're in what I consider Eastern Europe

with these hard-looking motherfuckers who are actually fucking sweet people but like look like they've seen some things right

because they have and we ended up in a hostel that used to be a prison in its dungeon and I just felt like this was

like so many layers of like get the fuck out of there yeah and we're just she's like we're just taking

Snapchat stories she's like do you want to come to a place where police don't come and hang out in a little prison thing we're like yeah of course what's the worst thing can happen we've left our passports at home that's fine isn't it and is there no signal down there perfect that's exactly where we'll go yeah i was like fuck imagine like the door clinks and we get locked in and he went I know there's no wifi millennial oh that was the other thing that this was there was a point

that night where we were being knobs oh but sorry just while we're on the Eastern Europe thing Tricluge Transylvania last night I do my thing

when I talk about fucking orange juice with pulp in it spoiler alert I don't like pulp in orange juice it's the only time I ever talk to an audience member and I spoke to a guy called florian and it took me

a while to get his name right i'm probably still saying it wrong and after the show we do hugs after the show and uh he comes up and he goes to shake the hand now here's my rule if a girl ever goes to shake my hand i'll shake her hand i'll not force the hug sort of thing yeah right i'm just like right you've but with big men i'm like you i'll hug come on we get a hug it doesn't feel like it's been intrusive if you're there so if you're the submissive i'll hug female fans if they open their arms i'll go yep i'm 100 in but if a guy if a girl's like here's my hand i'm like right i'll i'll let you but if a guy if you're a guy i'm hugging you i know that's probably wrong but you've seen the show.

You've waited in the queue. You want to meet me. We can fucking hug. And this guy was flooring. I was like, hey, flooring. He's like, we don't do hugs here. And I'm like, well, I'm about to bring some British culture over to you. And he was like, ah.

And we hugged and we're laughing away. And he was like, it's funny when you talk to me. I'm glad you didn't make too much fun. I'm like, oh, you know, I don't know if it's all audience members. And he's like, oh, it's funny because I do have a gun. And then I went, ha! And his wife laughed. And she was like, oh, he doesn't.

And I jokingly went, but he does though. And she went, yeah, he does. So he was joking about using his gun on you. And you had to go, I do have a gun. Yeah, but I was joking about using it on you but you do have one though yeah i do have one yeah of course i do is that a hunting one sure sure not on me yeah but it's on you well it's in the car it's in the glove box i can go get it but i'm not gonna use it yeah yeah i could get it but i won't all right should we just do over shake hands so uh when we're we're very high and very drunk and just

like that bit that metal cova in libiana with the second i walked in there i was so glad we went because that is exactly the type of place i would normally hate like i you know i'm i've never been i'm looking around this is all very hard eastern europe. They're all lovely, but I've just got my little bit of like, uh-oh, something could go wrong here. We eventually get, but I loved it. I really did. I can't wait to go back.

I loved how, because normally I would dislike a place, like if you're in a bar and people start coming up and chatting to you. It happened when we were in Dublin and you were with some friends and just a random couple of people, muggles,

pure, like pure fucking muggles come up. I mean, oh, can we sit with you guys? I'm like, I think no, like I think I actually said no, didn't I? This is just to clarify,

this isn't the guy, the fan that bought us drinks. No, there hadn't been a gig. No, you know, you're not, you're thinking.

It was the one that asked if I was a DJ. No, no, you're thinking of Aberdeen. Aberdeen? Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah,

well, sorry. Because you nearly, because what that's, there was that lovely guy. Oh yeah, he was great, he was someone from the audience

yeah we met them afterwards we let them into our dynamic this was sorry Aberdeen where they come up and start asking like oh what are you doing up here

are you a DJ are you like and just start like interview journalist questions that were fucking really weird yeah they joined our table with our friends and they were like

we're twins and we're like that's so obviously a lie and we but you're doing it to be quirky yeah and then they were like oh can we join you after being like fucking weird and we're like that's so obviously a lie and we but you're doing it to be quirky yeah and then they were like oh can we join you after being like fucking weird and we're like no we're hanging out with friends 100 not like swinging a miss and to clarify these weren't people who are the show

just people bars can we join you no we came to hang out with friends so in like in that kind of thing like if if people are just intrusive, like, non-show related, we love, like, people coming up after the shows, like, I'm not saying that at all, but when you're in a place and people are intrusive and they come up and just try and force themselves on you,

I find it off-putting, but in that place, it felt like so the norm and it felt like there wasn't anyone's shit there. No. So, like,

when people come up and start chatting to you, you're like, oh, fucking sweet. I had a fucking lovely conversation with a guy who, top of a climbing frame, top of a climbing frame, he's like, where are you from?, you're like, oh, fucking sweet. I had a fucking lovely conversation with a guy who was from... Top of a climbing frame.

Top of a climbing frame. He's like, where are you from? And we're like, you know, from Scotland and England. We chat away for a bit, then we meet the fans that we were going to meet there. Now, you can say that,

that we loved it and there was no bad guys there. The point I wanted to get on to, I guess it's about two in the morning, you and I are very, very high and very, very drunk. And I can tell we're very, very high because it's getting to the point

where the locals that we're hanging out with have stopped listening to us because we're just going into our sort of secret language where I understand everything you say. We understand whenever you... It's all in jokes that we've developed over six weeks on tour. A lot of in jokes are in there,

but also we're talking fast. We're cutting each other off because we know the joke that's coming up we're being silly billies silly gooses just fun with

friends geese geese and so we were hanging out with three girls and two guys and the three

girls were very very attractive but you and me are just fucking sitting there I'm high and drunk they've heard all my engagement stories so they know to back the fuck off they're very active but you and me are just fucking sitting there right i'm i'm high and drunk and i'm not

they've heard all my engagement stories so they know to back the fuck off they're very and these two slovenian guys and i knew what they were doing the second they came over they saw us giggling away like fucking idiots it was like fucking textbook neil strauss shit they were absolutely trying to game they came in and they started talking to the Slovenian girls in Slovenian. They clearly tried to insult us, but we weren't paying attention. And they were insulting us in Slovenian. And the girl went, oh, you're English. And I was like, well, he's English.

I'm Scottish. So what are you doing here? We're like, we're comedians. And they clearly tried to make a joke in Slovenian that neither of the girls laughed at. And I was like,

oh, you want to have a game of we'll insult you in our own language, will we? You roasted them to the left. Oh, Jesus.

They didn't understand a fucking word of it. Didn't understand a word, because they didn't, they clearly didn't have the chemistry that we have together. Because we,

every time you insulted them, I would laugh their ass off. off and they just could they would try and come back and i would just laugh over the top of them say something that they wouldn't understand and then even to the point where they like i would say certain things and it would get a laugh and you could just see them and it was oh it was such a it was such a fucking joyous moment just watching them after 10 minutes and they'd be saying stuff no reaction and then they'd give up and walk away oh so good yeah what was it

yeah one of them one of them looked like a Q-tip that was having chemo it was just this tall gone white guy I wish

I wish I could remember fucking what we'd say because that was I mean we're in good form that night anyway it was if we do say so ourselves if we do say so ourselves we fucking pull off a belt of that night i think that was one of my favorite nights out on tour and i want to recommend that place as well as a place for people to go right what's it called libyana if you go to libya the place is called

metal cova it is a street you're going to walk down a street that, as is most places in Eastern Europe, it's roadworks. It's a bit like Christiania in Copenhagen. Yeah. You're going to walk in there and it's going to be a massive culture shock because it was to me, I was like, holy fuck, I'm so out of my depth. This seems scary. And the second you talk to one person and the bartender smiles at you, you're like, this place is

the fucking best. But to be fair, we did ask the girl. We were like, so this seems like a really cool place there must be no fights here ever she's like well you know the police had to come yesterday because somebody was throwing bombs yeah she did so flippantly so flippantly she was like yes small bombs not like heart bombs but you know loud bombs i'm like oh the worst yeah the the finest The worst Like fireworks Yeah The finest of all bombs But still Let's not be mistaken here Bombs Yes

And then We haven't We haven't seen much Of the last couple of places We were I mean we hung out With Nino and Natasha In Zagreb

But to be fair We have seen a lot of Croatia In the past couple of years Yeah And we still got to hang out With them Which is always a joy And we're yet to see much

Because we'll go to Transylvania And I want to go to the Salt Nine, I want to go to Brandcastle, but we'll fucking have any time, we'll get there late. I think next year we'll kind of, we'll prioritise that we get a decent,

not a day off, but like a late flight in Cluj. But even the best one is, tonight we are in Sofia, in Bulgaria. First time here as well. Tomorrow is a travel day. We're going to Copenhagen.

And here's how... I don't know if this is stupid. We'll know tomorrow. Our flight gets in at like 4pm. And we obviously, it's the day off, we want to go to Kristiania. Which is a place in Copenhagen where the police disagree not to go. They just sell joints there. The only law is don't take photos.

Don't take photos. They just sell weed there. You can go't take photos don't take photos they just sell wait there you can go there it's very good wait there's a lot of lovely fucking restaurants

it's like celebrity endorsed like Ice Cube and stuff like that Lady Gaga been there they'll go and do gigs there so I want to go there

and here's I don't know if this is experience but here I'm like oh we land at we land at four I wonder if the illegal drug sellers

stop selling drugs at five that's a genuine thought it's a genuine thought and it's a Tuesday I feel like it's a Tuesday I wonder if the illegal drug sellers stop selling drugs at five. That's a genuine thought. It's a J-with-O. It's a Tuesday. I feel like it's a Tuesday, it's another weekend. Because we'll get to the hotel at five,

I'll probably need to shower, probably not going to get there until six. Do they work nine till five? Is it? What a way to make a living. Look, I'm genuinely worried. And I know it's so stupid. I know the second week. You've got a bad business model genuinely and I know it's so I know the second

you've got a bad business model for selling weed I know I know the second just selling it when people are at work I know the second we get there tomorrow we'll get there at seven and they'll be selling weed and they'll be like

oh yeah obviously obviously it's like metal cover of course it is of course there's bars in there yeah because when when we asked the guy the guy that came up and started talking

about the climbing frame that's when it closed he seemed so confused. Oh, yeah. We're like, how can you – why would it close the climbing frame? He's like, so, yeah, so what time do these bars close? He's like, they're people's kitchens. Like, they close when people leave.

It's just an ongoing thing. You just go and hang out there and it's a squat. Speaking of, let's get into the next couple of true dates But again, we just have to do this Because we mean these things To everyone in Ljubljana, Zagreb And Cluj They're just so good They're just fucking excellent gigs

Thank you so so much for coming And we promise to see you all Next year Wednesday, the 24th of October fucking excellent gigs. Thank you so, so much for coming and we promise to see you all next year. Wednesday, the 24th of October, we are in Copenhagen. Thursday, the 26th, we are in Oslo. Friday, we are in Stockholm.

Saturday, we are in Reykjavik. And on Sunday, we are in Homsterdam. So please... We will be joined on the podcast by Barry Casanola and Rich Massara and and Snunky and

Snunky the snake monkey he's fucking just pulled out a late Ryan Sponge Cullen one of our friends he was hold on

why would we call him Sponge Cullen we'll call him Sponge because we went this is when we first met him wasn't it we went to Cork Independence Festival

where we turned up with no luggage, not even hand luggage. We flew without hand luggage that day, walking through like we were up to something. And we got there

and they've already put a tent up and he gives us his airbed out of his tent. Yeah. There's two of us and one of him. Because he's a good guy. Good guy.

So his first meeting, there's the airbed. But his tent had a leak and it had rained through the night. There was a big puddle in his bed. And his tent was on a hill. So just naturally during the night when he's fucked, he's rolled down to the bottom of his tent.

And in the morning, the puddle was gone. And he absorbed all of it. He absorbed all of it. Like he climbed into a puddle and then woke up in a dry tent, wet. Wet through. So we call him Sponge Cull. But we also call him Snanky because... Because he's a snake.

He's a snake. A friend of ours, who's actually a comedian, Abiglayah Schwam, I'll never get to pronounce that surname properly. Schwam? Abiglayah. Abiglayah. Started texting us in our WhatsApp from his phone, just going, hey, it's Abiglayah, hope you're all well.

And there's like 10 of us in this WhatsApp. But we're like this WhatsApp group as much as I love Abbie has got so much classified information oh yeah like you cannot

go into work like you can't that is the most classified WhatsApp group in the world that you just can't because so much of it is easy to take out of context

everyone's true class come on yeah because it's fucking 10 comedians so it's just the worst fucking jokes the worst things

we've ever said about each other to each other about other comedians sometimes we go as harsh as possible to try and like it's very unshockable

yeah we'll try and shock each other so we're trying to shock each other because we know it's a safe space it's just the thought of someone else saying any of that

like out of the context especially a friend so we've always called him snake I was there I kicked him out immediately and I was like

what a snake cunt giving his fucking whatsapp to somebody else so we called him snake and then when we were in Ibiza and we were having lots of drinks

touch his nose we'd done pills and if you've ever done ecstasy you'll understand that sometimes your face goes a little bit gurney

and we're out and Ryan was having the time of his life dancing. He has a big grin on his face. Cheeky little monkey. Big grin. Cheeky little monkey. So we just made it. He's a snake. Snunky.

Snake monkey. Uncle Snunky. Uncle Snunky. Uncle Snunky. Sponge Cullen. And he's, yeah, we'll have him on the podcast. We'll talk about much more. Also, follow Cullen's Instagram and Snapchat because he is

one of the best yeah Ryan Colin on Instagram is so so fucking funny oh when he documented the fucking storm

it was like storm Brian come from Dublin it wasn't Brian it was Ophelia yeah Ophelia oh yeah

those common those are close together I got two there's one called Brian one called Ophelia so that was on and he just did one

because he did a bunch he did this video diary of him locked in the house but every time he looked out the window it was just a vile day it was on the news

and on the news it went check on your neighbours so he paused it and then zoomed in on the check on your neighbours and then the next snapchat he's

hanging out the window going Malsy Malcolm you alright you alright mate on my oldest

day oh my god I was fucking dying so he's gonna be there as well that's like that's gonna be

such a good one because it's that's the last minute thing for him because he was meant to be doing a tour of America tasting biscuits he's on the internet series good one because it's... That's the last minute thing for him because he was meant to be doing a tour of America tasting biscuits.

He's on the internet series Facts where it's like Irish people play soggy biscuit or whatever the fuck they do. So he was doing an American tour. But now he's going to join us in Amsterdam. We're also going to have the king that is Barry Castagnola on the podcast. And then also King Muggle himself, Rich Massara. We've got three of the funniest people we know making the i do think sunday's podcast is going to be probably a two-hour special it's going to be pandemonium it's going to be utter chaos because we've also got that big bottle of

fucking booze that that uh great girl in um belgrade gave us to go through yes um so yeah definitely tune into that one that'll be be utter chaos to our European fans. I will try and keep everyone's accents in check, but we will be incredibly high and incredibly drunk. Rich Massara's accent, you're going to keep that in check? Oh yeah, no, Rich Massara will be absolutely fine. Even Barry, Barry will probably be fine. But it's not going to be Harry.

He just mumbles, doesn't he? All right. We have talked too much, so we can only go on to dad jokes. Have we talked too much? Can we stick it to some muggles? No, we've got to go meet Smelly Belly Oh shit, yeah Matthew Ellis is in Sofia

She consented though Your dad's pubes are so long He's braided a bit on the side Which means he can pull them back And he uses that bit Like the little curtain bit for drapes He draws his pubes? No, no,

he braids them. They're so long they go down. Like beads? Aye. You know those bits there that hold the curtains back

either side? He braids bits of his pube to hold them back. And also if he ever goes for a second wank he calls it the encore. So when he holds it back what does he hook it on?

Has he got piercings on either side of his groin? Well, no, just his plukes. His plukes? That means zit in Scottish, doesn't it? Aye. Right.

Your dad turned up for his dinner lady shift on a Saturday. He just likes wearing the costume. Your dad rides a motorbike, but because they don't have seatbelts he's glued a buttplug to the seat

and rides in arseless chaps. He's never came off. No? He's crashed it loads. He also has come off it. It's a vibrating buttplug. He's came off it. Aye.

On the last day of the old one pound coins, your dad went and got rid of all of them from his big protein tub at the strippers. Your dad got thrown out of the zoo for leaving lipstick marks on the screen of the monkey exhibit. Your dad puts a towel around his waist, takes off his jeans, puts his pyjamas on and then removes the towel when he's getting changed on his own.

Every time your mum queefs, your dad gets the priest round to do an exorcism on her because he's convinced it's the ghost screams of all the sperm who didn't make it. Your dad picks his nose and feeds it to babies and dogs. Your dad is gluten intolerant, lactose intolerant, and immigrant intolerant, but still loves a cheesy falafel wrap. Your dad found out that every pelican crossing has that spinning thing underneath to indicate the blind people went across, so now that's why he always

puts his chewing gum. What thing? Do you not know about that? Underneath every pelican crossing, like, you know, the box that you press the button on, walk, don't walk, and then if there's this little, like, spinny cone,

that, like, if you put your hand in and if it, you can feel the cone spinning when it's the green light. Is there? Yeah.

Nah, I know what this is. No, no. Nah, nah, that doesn't exist. That would be a great way of delivering it. By just, like, slipping it in a dad joke.

Genuinely is there. Genuinely. You can't even check because we're in Sofia. I'm not. I'm absolutely under no circumstance. You don't know about the spinning dial? Because it doesn't exist. I'm not falling for a fucking true lie.

Right, because I know that you're never going to be able to find out that this is true. So, I'm going to ask somebody... Oh, get all your fucking little fucking old team muggins to come fucking lie to me. Get them to back me up. Team muggins, send them, I don't know, put your phone on selfie mode, get an unfit and show them the disc. Or Google it. You're not going to Google it, are you? No, because that counts as you winning.

I won anyway. Your dad has written... Does it count as me winning if I'm writing you don't look it up? I mean, it's definitely half a victory. Anyway, if everyone goes and checks on that, you'll probably find his dad's chewing gum. Your dad has written a Muggins and Cream sexual fan fiction, and I know it's him because he signs off with, definitely not Kev, and let her smell exactly like his perfume.

Yeah, what does that do? Your dad reads self-help books out loud on the bus and the passengers always tell him to keep his eye on the road your dad lost his virginity

on a washing machine sorry to a washing machine dry load right she was on a menstrual cycle quick wash your dad watches Japanese porn Where the fannies are pixelated

Your dad ties his own He squints when he's watching it To try and make the pixels disappear But he just looks like he's He's racist Your dad ties his own shoes together And then falls over So he can yell

Oh guys Not this again Loudly in public so people think he has friends. Your dad plays Dot to Dot with his back knee in the mirror. Your dad masturbates in wind tunnels.

Your dad has one Celtic slip-by and one Ranger slip-by because he can't decide. Your dad is the lead singer in a Limp Bizkit tribute band where he cries all the way through every song and the band is called Soggy Bizkit.

Your dad took a water pistol to Auschwitz to try and lighten the mood. Oh no! He wore his boob apron in the Anfrank Museum. Dad! Dad, you can't do that

Dad that's well Dad I'm going to have to have a word with him that's seriously not a nice His heart's in the

right place though he's just trying to cheer everyone up because they're going through a tough time Oh look it's right

alright it's a brutal way to end the podcast We will see you on we'll speak to you on Thursday

after we have yeah we'll talk to you when we're in Cuba oh it's going to be a high podcast the next one everyone's favourite

and by everyone's we mean ours and everyone hates them because they don't understand the podcast we're going to do high in Denmark of course we are

yes alright speak to you later cunts bye bye