Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 30 Blah Blah Blah

Episode Date: February 6, 2017

Cream is on the other side of Australia weeping at how beautiful Nick Cody looks in his wedding dress so Muggins brings the joy to your Monday alongside resident guest Andrew "Sugar" Stanley. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and Cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Awww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

It's May. It's Muggins. It isn't Cream. Cream is not here because even though he decided to take on Mondays, he took this Monday off because he's been at Nick Cody's wedding. So I am back with Andrew Stanley. Yeah, boy. Okay.

I mean, he's also in Australia as well. Yeah. These are not reasons. Forget this. Nick Cody. Do you get how gay this is? It's pretty gay. This is gay, right? It's pretty gay well. Yeah. These are not reasons. Forget this. Nick Cody, do you get how gay this is? It's pretty gay. This is gay, right?

It's pretty gay. Nick Cody's just married a girl. Will you hold hands with a lady for a queer butt? Dude, dude, dude. He's got knickers in his house. Nicky's knickers. Nicky knickers. You know what he did?

He got down on one knee and gave her some jewellery what a guy you know the other day when we were kissing he's gonna do that with a girl with a girl

Nick Cody more like Nick Cooties gave up kissing her soft lips holding her at night when he watches a movie and pretends he's happy even though he'd rather

be one of us and then he walked down the aisle in front of all of his friends Holding her at night When he watches a movie And pretends he's happy Even though he'd rather Be one of us And then And then And then He walked down the aisle In front of all of his friends Right And he said how much he loved her And he pleaded

He pleaded himself Vowed himself Vowed Vowed He vowed himself To her forever Right And then he gave her a little kiss

And then Then they went on a honeymoon Now he's on a beach with a girl Unbelievable I heard he's planning a beach with a girl unbelievable I heard he's planning to have kids and have a family and become happy for the rest of his life fuck it

oh man so fuck it obviously Daniel had to go and watch that shit yeah because he's such a gay as well I'm going to miss that oh it's good

I couldn't go man I'm so close but so far away I know it's one of those weird things we're in the right hemisphere yeah but like it's still a continent things. We're in the right hemisphere. Yeah.

But it's still a continent away. Yeah, you're in the right hemisphere, but it would be quicker to go back to London. Yeah, it's like... Where is it? It's in Melbourne, is it? It's like being in England and one of your friends getting married in Croatia. I think even that's closer.

It was in Melbourne, is it? I think, yeah. Is it Melbourne? Yeah, Melbourne's a five-hour flight. Yeah, so... So it's actually London to New York. That's the same distance. Is that what it's like? Yeah, yeah. Yeah,'s actually London to New York like that's the same distance is that what it's like

yeah yeah yeah it was starting to clock up like I was going to have to cancel shows at the festival and shit like that but I was devastated because get this

this redeems this redeems Nick Cody for all the gainers that he's just done right he done the Conor McGregor Billy walk down the aisle I know what a gig

all is forgiven all is forgiven except marrying a girl we should also talk about uh sloss did um actually i just realized so sloss cancelled because he's at that wedding and then you'd gone to the wedding and cancel it does that mean i'd be doing this podcast on my own going just sugar here boys yeah just a spoon of cream a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down uh so people have called me sugar online. I didn't know what was happening.

Yeah. People were like, yeah, you know what I mean, sugar? I was like, what? And then they were like, no cream. I was like, you need to, this is code. We're not in a coffee shop. Do you know Prison Break? Yeah.

Do you know Sucre? We've had this conversation. Have we? Didn't we? Yeah, we had this on the last podcast. No, we didn't. Yeah. Maybe it was one of the podcasts that never happened

it could have been the ghost podcast the ghosts of podcast past yeah well when you die we'll bring out that podcast even though it's bad sound it'll be like

oh we've got this unheard footage of Andrew Stanley I'll be like a ghost so we'll release it next week prophecies from muggins have I been wrong yet have I been wrong yet

I'd love to I'd love to I'd love to have never Done a prophecy Like nothing Never predicted anything And then just do that Just say the most ridiculous thing Have I ever been wrong?

Have I been wrong yet? I'm not one and one Yeah yeah Every guy you've put on Or actually you know what you do You know what you do You'd actually just say things That are perfectly normal

Like I bet you that guy Likes milk and his coffee He does Boom One out of one Have I been wrong? Right? Bet you if I pay for this,

I'll get change. Boom. Two out of two. Keep the change. Damn, I was wrong. I was wrong again. 0 for 0. Slash did as well.

Didn't he tell us that he did an amazing Love Actually thing? Oh, yeah. He held up the papers and went through the... I don't know what was on them, though,

because I asked him a question. Did he hold up the papers? I didn't know that part. He held up the was this not off Love Actually no no he videoed so you know in Love Actually when

they he films only what's her name that's why I didn't answer he was confused yeah he was confused because you just came up with another thing entirely

he went and done that thing off Love Actually so I thought he turned up at his house with the papers no but he said he filmed Nick and then every time

his wife came into it he cut her out of it right yeah that bit off Love Actually that bit the bit where he was like Christmas is all around me

that bit off Love Actually I'm just doing other bits of Love Actually don't make me confused get on board with the bit oh I should get on board with the bit that you don't know is happening commit to the bit dude

commit to the bit don't look at us confused while I'm trying to pluck the only other thing I know from Love Actually you know that bit dude commit to the bit look at us confused while I'm trying to pluck the only other thing I know from love actually you know that bit where the T-Rex

is in Jurassic Park oh yeah when they get in the jeep and the old man's there and there's no dinosaurs yet what? not the bit at all what are you talking

we said a T-Rex but it was very funny I can't wait to see the video as you can see me and Sugar have got lots of chemistry I tell you what ever since we kissed

for seven hours yeah we've just been out to sink ever since we woke up when hours we've just been out of sync ever since we woke up when we wanted out of this relationship you play

you play you play you play you play really hard as soon as you get it you're like gone

gone yeah that's what's happened to me just not all out of whack all out of whack ever since my wrist is so

sore it's because we take each other for granted you never call me anymore you live next door

I was just checking the battery also checking I was recording absent mindedness something happened to me this morning go on

something always happens to you I'm cycling to the I'm cycling to the gym with your sweet ass new wheels with me new whip with your new your new wheels my custom whip new whip. With your new wheels.

My custom whip. So this bike that you got for free, we should point out, which you, well, I say you got it for free, you probably got skin cancer because you were stuck on a road waiting to get it fixed and stuff so long, and you were out for like four or five hours in the sun when you went to get it. So I'm sure it did cost you quite a bit of your health.

Yeah, it cost us a few years. So then you... Me and Will started to scab over it so I'm sure it did cost you quite a bit of your health yeah it's cost us a few years so then you we all started to scab over and I'm picking at that I think that might be malignant oh god so you got seven

seven punchers you had on us it was number six number six before eventually you went it's new wheel time I've been through four in our tubes

and two punchers repair kit patches but I was just like there's a lot of glass on the cycle tracks here as well and a lot of fucking branches and debris and thorns

and shit like that I don't think they really care about the cyclists that much I think everybody else's bike seems fine I'm having this like fucking bizarre bad luck

what were your what were your original where were your original wheels on just like balloons yeah it was just like them long balloon animals the long balloons yeah just Chris Henry

just he just blew them up like a clown bike filled them with helium just so they make a good noise every so often you can entertain yourself instead of having suspension it just took us a little bit off the ground

in fact I put helium balloons on and I'm cycling upside down that makes no sense that makes no sense no I'm not going to. That makes no sense. I was upside down. That makes no sense. No, it doesn't even matter. We're going to let you go with it. Let me commit to the bit.

I'm going to commit to the bit. Commit to the bit. That's our new phrase now. Commit to the bit. I am. So you're upside down. I put the helium balloon tires on, started pedaling,

and it was just like, whoop. Like, you know, if you put armbands on your feet and jumped in the pool, you'd just go, whoop, upside down. And obviously, if you put armbands on your feet, your feet float to the top, your head's not on the ground. Just like my head wasn't on the ground

when I was cycling upside down with the balloon wheels it happened it'd be like if you came through the tube from Britain and you'd be upside

down when you come out this side yeah exactly yeah it's just like that so if you dive through the hole through the world with helium balloons

into a pool you come the right way up you come the right way up right I wish I hadn't committed to that bit

it just collapsed on itself your phrase is going to be commit to up. Right, I wish I hadn't committed to that bit. It just collapsed on itself. Your phrase is going to be commit to the bit and mine's going to be don't commit to the bit. Please don't commit to the bit. No more bits. So on the sixth time

the tyres punctured the inner tubes punctured via the tyres I walk in there's this bike shop in fact weirdly so much glass on the cycle tracks outside the bike shop.

That's not weirdly. That's a genius business move. So I fell for it. Hook Lane and fucking Sinclair just walked in and went, bulletproof tires, please. Genuinely. I went, I want your most

bulletproof tires and your most bulletproof in-head tubes and then fucking give us these thorn-proof, glass-proof tire shit. So I've got this fucking cool whip now.

They actually do look good. The tires are really good. They're pretty good, aren't they? I made a joke. I was like, they're good tires. And I was like, they-proof tyre shit. So I've got this fucking cool whip now. They actually do look good. The tyres are really good. Pretty good, aren't they? I made a joke. I was like, they're good tyres. And I was like, they actually are good tyres. I spent a little bit on them, but I didn't want to be defeated.

Yeah, I mean, you definitely bought your way out of trouble. Committed a bit. Like Chelsea. So yes, go on. So what happens to your cycling? So cycling away today, I fucking know nothing

can go wrong when we bike right and then all of a sudden something hits me arm and I just get this fucking shooting stinging pain in me arm fucking bee sting in it

so there's this bee hanging out my arm and then it ripped it's body off and just flew off oh no it got us there right so it had this

little fucking spulk I thought it ripped off like the whole like bulk of it's body I've never been stung by a bee before oh really right but it was just the prick so it its body. I've never been stung by a bee before. Oh, really? Right?

But it was just the prick, so it just looked like a little speck sticking out. Yeah. Right? But then a gloop of orange substance next to it, right? So I fucking scream, right? Like a fucking war cry. Like, ah!

On my back. And then my instant thought is, I mean, I've seen my girl. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. People can die. And you know, when we looked up The amount of deaths in Australia

Because of sharks Bees was top No horses was top Bees was second top Horses was 71 wasn't it Bees was 52 or something Yeah bees was up there Right

So I'm there going Oh like I don't know If I'm allergic to this shit I don't know if I Because I've had penicillin before For the first time And I come out in a rash Yeah

And that's how you find out You're allergic to shit Yeah Is by having it for the first time and I come out in a rash and that's how you find out you're allergic to shit is by having it for the first time and then you go oops that's how I found out I was allergic to cock yeah but I tried like loads

you tried loads and then you had an adverse reaction after fucking several gallons of spunk no no I still try maybe since it's just spunk you're allergic to it why don't you just pull out and let it go on your face

let's pause the podcast and we're back pull out and let it go on your face. Let's pause the podcast. Now we're back. So, this is actually fucking very related to that, actually. Okay. So, when I looked at my hand, right, so, in my head, I'm like,

oh, Macaulay Culkin died in My Girl. Right. Well, he didn't die. Spoiler. His character did. Spoiler alert. Why do you keep ruining these moviesay Culkin died in My Girl. Right. Well, he didn't die. Spoiler. His character did. Spoiler alert. Why do you keep ruining these movies? I haven't seen My Girl. All right.

Shmally Smulkin died in Shmashmur. Shmashmur. So. Apologies to any 80s movies fans. So I'm in Australia where literally everything can kill you. Right. I've gotten stung by a bee for the first time and I don't know if I'm allergic to them. I don't know if I can go full Culkin.

right I've gotten stung by a bee for the first time and I don't know if I'm allergic to them I don't know if I can go full Culkin so I do what what you're meant to do if you get stung

and I sucked out the venom no you didn't I went to suck out the venom right oh my god because there was a spank there I thought I'll get that out as well

while I'm on what's a spank well the spank that sticks in the arm and also I looked at the thing and I was like oh no the goop

and I wasn't going to put it in my mouth and I was like oh no that'll just be honey I thought it wasn't honey it was guts it no the goop and I wasn't going to put it in my mouth and I was like oh no that'll just be honey I'm not sure it wasn't honey it was guts it was like bleurgh I'll take one of those

hold on one second hold on one second you you thought bees just shat honey well I just clicked it no no no

you thought bees just shat honey well I shat it I split it open didn't I split open all the honey that it was storing for later to take back to the tribe No, no, no. You thought bees just shattered. Well, that shattered. I split it open, didn't I? Yeah. It split open and all the honey that it was storing for later. What? Take it back to the bee cave.

Did you hear Gareth? Did you hear Gareth from Sloth's podcast? No, no. Sloth's podcast on what a bee hive was. He started culling a bee cave. Bee cave? Yeah, bee cave. Now, I'll focus here. So, you thought the pus that was coming out

of the needle that had just ripped off you thought that was honey well it looked like honey so you think bees are flying honey pods I thought that's why

they had the big fat you think that's why they're yellow and black so like that yellow's the honey trying to seep out or something well I don't care

about such specifics you know I barely spare this a moment's thought as it happens, Andrew. But on this moment, I was like, I went to suck the venom out because I need to. I don't want to die, right? Then went, oh, the guts.

And then went, oh, it's just honey. And then went to it anyway. And then was like, blah, it's guts. So then a bush took a trail. By accident. But this is what made me laugh So there's people around You know

There's people on the footpath On the cycle lanes There's people in the cars Basically what they saw They didn't see the bee They just saw you They just saw me Kissing your own muscle

War cry Raiding my bike And then And then just kiss And then going I'm disgusted at my own muscle kiss my gun and then do like a little spit out this guy that guy is intense when he works out i've seen that guy going to jits every morning he is intense that's how these jits guys work oh man one thing i can't see it as well i

because i've not a little drink in a while i'm cycling away I've got a dry throat and I was like because my throat was dry I was going is that my throat closing what would I do if my throat closes would I just like start waving people down

going oh my B got us like if you if you did start going into anaphylactic shock because of your B you can't just expect people to assume

a B got you right but you don't want it to be too far away your throat's closed and you're like fucking seizure and whatever happens when you so what do you do do you like i would start feel the onset you take your phone out and you type it out into your notebook on your notes on your phone and you hope that they can read your writing and then do it like heads up where you put it on your head and you hope they can read your writing

i remember when i did that i couldn't read me own writing on a text when I was off my tits that happened that brought you joy that was funny it wasn't even with you actually it was when I was with Sloss I was trying to read something off my phone and I was like I can't even read me own writing and Sloss was like it's a text

he ratted you into the group I instantly texted the group saying oh my god Sloss just said he couldn't read his own writing the thing that gets people out of things more in our group than throwing someone else

under the bus who's done nothing wrong the thing that you've done you quickly tell everybody that somebody else

did it they're not even hanging around with us but then he got a recorded confession out of us

that's true another day he brought it out of us he was just chatting with us and he was like I still need to

get you back for that time when you fucking put it into the group about this and I was just like you'll never get us it he brought it out of his he was just chatting with us and he was like oh I still need to get you back for that time when you fucking put it into the group about this and I was just like you'll never get us back for that

it was a fucking perfect crime and then he stopped recording and sent it there mid tour 2015 or something like that in Europe wasn't it

yeah it's a pretty intense WhatsApp group that we're in Roscoe was like what are the jokes I was going man I can't believe

that joke got nothing he's like that's an intense group no what was it I can't believe that rape joke got nothing then Roscoe went dude what are the jokes I was going man I can't believe that joke got nothing he's like that's an intense group no what was it I can't believe that rape joke got nothing then Roscoe went dude your whatsapp group's intense

I was like you've no idea how much consideration goes into people who come into this group it's an interview process if you if you like

spend two hours off the grid it is far too much to catch up on oh my god I was like where was I I don't know where I was

the other day I came back and there was 195 messages I was like you where was I? I don't know where I was the other day. I came back and there was 195 messages. I was like, no. You have to need a long shit. Yeah, it was really long shit.

I love what Barry does because Barry like, he'll go away for a long time and go abroad or something and then come back and he'll do a big catch up and then give his highlights. Yeah.

It was like a match of the day of the WhatsApp. You always feel bad when you're not in one of the highlight reels. I left me and you out completely the last time. I was like,

man, we had some gold in there. Yeah. Jealous ones never prosper. Jealous that he's never been to Australia reels. I left me and you out completely. I was like, man, we had some gold in there. Yeah. Bullshit. Jealous ones never prosper. Jealous that he's never been to Australia? No. I think he's been here a few times.

He was jealous. Yeah, actually. He said he had a great time. He's doing the gigs I'm doing now. We were hanging out with him. Drunk. I lived with him last year. Don't think he's been here.

Anyway, how's Australia going? Having a good time? Enjoying yourself? Yeah. You're ripped as a machine now. Yeah, it's starting to pay dividends now, isn't it? Yeah, you killed a man last night, didn't you? He's dead.

Choked him out. I went to a Mai Tai event last night, I'll tell you that. Did you go to it? Yesterday. That was during the day, yeah. Yeah, it was during the day. Oh, fuck, I haven't showed you the photo on my phone. I tried to Snapchat it, but I didn't have any signal.

But you know you can still Snapchat, and it just goes out later. Yeah, but I need to resend it now, unless it's sent already. However, let me just explain the photo there, because it's on a podcast anyway. Okay, go on. I went to a Mai Tai event, but it was in a school. It was in Forest School in Morley. Right. So I went there, and they've used the gymnasium, like the five-a-side courts, basketball courts,

or whatever. They've got the court open and everything. And someone's wearing a T-shirt that said, Be the Predator. Be the Predator in big writing, and then small writing, not the prey. Right? But there's some ones where the t-shirt that said be the predator be the predator in big writing and then small writing not the prey right but he's in a school in his school in his school with be the predator high school just going i didn't even know there was a muay thai event i just hung around oh my god oh man on a sunday i brought my lube and everything on a sunday this is weird Like just loads of grown-ups. Loads of grown-ups.

Oh, God. This is not a turn on. This is the opposite of what I'm looking for. I'll be the prey yet again. I can see this in the mirror. I'm sweating a lot while I'm here. That's what I'm doing mostly. Sweating a lot.

Yeah. Yeah. Like, the worst thing is when I'm sweating like if I have a workout I can't stop sweating for a long time I want to get showered and do some shit

but like are we complaining about it being hot is that what we're doing no no no we're complaining about sweating probably when you sweat

and your arms and stuff you probably just lick it off and spit it onto the ground yeah it looks like water looks like water coming out of me I'll get that water off me oh that's that water shit spit it onto the ground. Yeah. So that looks like, looks like water. Slipped up. Looks like water coming out of me.

I'll get that water off me. Oh, that's not water, shit. You've been, actually, I'll tell you what's been most impressive about you over here,

is you've been very healthy. You haven't been drinking much or anything like that. Yeah, I've been. You go through that though, right? You go through phases

like that, right? Well, I catch myself because I'll say something I don't like in the mirror and I'm like I deal with that

immediately because there's some comedians that are like the ghost of Christmas future where they've got like you can tell they're not meant

to be fat guys because they've still got the same limbs you know they've still got the same arms and legs it's like a thin dude but they've got the

big ball and ball belly and I always look at that and think yeah I'm partying like them dudes and I'm going to end up like that if I don't catch it.

Because that doesn't happen overnight. You don't get a gut like that overnight. I think you do. Two nights maybe. A couple of nights. A big session. Big McDonald's. Hardcore session.

Big McDonald's after a pizza and that's happening. I think when you're talking about that physique, it's when you see it and it's solid. Yeah. You're like, man, how do you get rid of that then? It's like Dr. Robotnik. You know, I'm Sonic. I'm Sonic where it's like a big ball and ball belly and then a little limb. There you go.

That's his noise. Do his noise again. Uh-oh. Oh, the end of boss. I'm a hedgehog. Love that game. Classic. Classic.

Love that game. My name's Sonic. Remember Sonic 2. Tails, tails, my name's Tails. That was it, wasn't it? Fox or Tails? Tails or Sonic? Tails.

What was Sonic 3 again? Sonic 2 was just like, I'm still fast. I'm still fast. I've got a friend called Knuckles. No one uses Tails no more. Come in to get you. Catchy little jingles there, Mike. Yeah, it was catchy.

And then Robotnik came in like... Oh! Speaking of Sonic the Hedgehog Sonic I paused it get back in there speaking of Sonic the Hedgehog we should offer congratulations to

Damo Clark yes he had his first child why is that speaking of Sonic the Hedgehog he always wears a Sonic the Hedgehog cap yay Damo had a child. He had his first child. Why is that speaking of Sonic the Hedgehog? He always wears a Sonic the Hedgehog cap. Yay!

Damo had a child. Oh yeah, so he does. Yeah. Sorry for knowing my friend well. Now I see the link. Yeah. I'll tell you what,

he just had a kid gayer than Nick Cody. As in, Damo's gayer than Nick Cody. He put a child in a woman. Made a woman pregnant. Yay! Pulled a child out of a woman.

He's going to raise it and feed it. Probably take care of that He'll grow up to be A really really respectable man Couldn't think anything worse He is Yeah he sent me a picture

The other day We were talking And he is properly The most Bogan Kid I've ever seen He has A mullet

You've got a kid with a mullet Kid with a mullet Can I explain Bogan to the UK listeners? Have we done this? Did we explain this last time? I don't think so.

About the Lake Chavs? We started when we did the podcast outside so it didn't go well. Ah cool because I've been talking about it on stage. Oh yeah.

How the Chavs in the UK because Bogan is just the Chav over here. Yeah kind of. I think it's you know what I think it's a less

and I know you're going to say a similar thing. I think it's more like they're more good natured. to say a similar thing. Yeah, I think it's more like they're more good-natured. Yeah, they've got a mullet. They've got a Duff beer in their hand. Yeah.

They're watching NASCAR. They're more like rednecks. Yeah, they're more like rednecks than chavs. Yeah, they may be a little bit bigoted, but they're not going around fucking burgling your house. Yeah, exactly. Exactly, that's what I think it is, yeah. So I was just saying about how our equivalent,

they're intimidating, because if you see a group of chavs and as well they've got big jackets on they've got hoodies on because it's always cold weather even if it's the summer so they're dressed under

you don't know if they're built you don't know what you're dealing with you don't know if they're concealing a weapon and I was saying over here your bogans

they wear like vests and shorts I can't be intimidated by someone if I see their ankle they don't even have because their ankle they don't even have because I think they don't even have shoes

it's adorable yeah if you're like I'll just run over there to that little spiky area they can't follow me so maybe we'll have talked about that already

I've been repeating that a lot this week that's one of my little bits that's one of your bits that's one of your you can try that on one of your little skits which you do

try that on stage try that on one of your sketches on stage try that on one of your little stage plays. You know when people say, like a group of chavs would be really intimidating? Wouldn't a group of anything be really intimidating? Like a group of women on a hen night.

Isn't that intimidating? A group of well-dressed lads. A group of rugby players. Aren't they all? I don't know. A group of paramedics. Fuck yeah. I'm not messing with them.

They're the worst. Imagine messing with a paramedic. They beat you up, heal you, beat you up again. Repeat. Oh, God. Like a terrible level of Sonic 5. You never die. Sonic 5.

Just restart the level. Paramedics. Sonic 5. Do, do, do, do. Paramedics. So we are outdoors and a draft's starting to pick up. Do we worry that that may affect the sound? No.

Because we have dropped the ball so many times. I think it'll be okay. So I made you laugh yesterday. I'm going to repeat my joke. I don't think so. I did. I don't think so. Let's get this on record right now.

I've never laughed at another comedian. You caught me having a beer when you were mentioning I was eating really healthy and stuff, right? Oh, yeah. I took Sunday off. I'd been training 10 days straight. I hadn't eaten a fucking gram of sugar in any of my fucking meals.

I'd been eating clean as a whistle, spinach with everything. And then you caught us with a beer and you were like, oh, fuck, you were working out. And I went, it's cheat day. Natalie will be livid. And then he wasn't piped up and went, every day is a cheat day. Every day is a cheat day. Dan Willis a great joke

what a great joke it's cheat day Sunday I've banged seven women cheat day I'm going to feel it tomorrow and my body will be wrecked a moment on the lips and a lifetime on the conscience

a moment on the back you never forget it never get your marriage back oh Jesus that was funny that was the best I think that was the best line you did it was at that gig

that was a really good gig but had one of the most horrific audience members in a long time it was really sad yeah first of all there was a really weird couple

really weird it was just she was recording everything the girl on the left was recording the whole show and I was trying to make a self-conscious about it I was pretending I was couple. It was really weird. It was just... She was recording everything. The girl on the left was recording my whole show and I was trying to make myself conscious about it. I was pretending I was furious

that she was recording it on Portrait instead of Landscape. Oh, yeah, yeah. And just subverting the fact that I was a bit annoyed that she was recording it. Yeah, yeah.

I just didn't hope that she'd put it away. But she recorded the whole show. She recorded... She started recording while you were on and then she recorded Gordon as well.

Yeah. And then before Carrie, that's when I ripped her apart for it. Yeah. and then she recorded Gordon as well yeah and then before Carrie that's when I like ripped her apart for it yeah and it was one of those ones where it's weird

because you try and rip them apart to make a joke and it turns out then I found out later that she's like kind of like minor TV celebrity apparently

was it not Babestation she's like Babestation or something like that in channel channel 10 them girls are never off the phone channel 10 she was just working she was just working I tell you what if she was putting that out in Babestation or something like that in Channel 10. Well, them girls are never off the phone. She's just working there. She's just working.

I'll tell you what, if she was putting that out on Babestation, people were not getting their money's worth last night. Just me shouting at her. Brian's eavesdropping. Do you know one of my friends, because you can eavesdrop where you phone Babestation and you can hear whoever she's talking to. Okay, yeah. Or maybe you could. So when my friend lived with his parents,

he eavesdropped on Babe Station. Oh, hold on. I'm going to pause this because there's a bin wagon. Oh, can we get away with it? Oh, it's gone. Go on, it's fine. That's annoying.

Stop putting bins away. There we are. That told him. He eavesdropped on Babe Station so he rang the number on a fucking premium number on his parents landline where he lived

and his parents right and his man picked up the phone downstairs to use it and started eavesdropping on him eavesdropping on Babes Station what

that is some like what is it what the fuck is going on there Inception Inception shit Babes Station Babesception Babesception

yeah the Babesception is definitely better than Babes Station let me mix those words up Babesception Station nailedesception. You know what Babesception is? Yeah, Babesception is definitely better than Babe Inception. Babesception? Let me mix those words up. Babesception Station. Nailed it.

That's actually great. Let's use that one. Let's record this whole segment again and then... Copyright. Copywritten. We own that now. Set up the website. So she was Babesception. How did you find that out?

So she said it to Roscoe in the middle. So this guy, Roscoe McClelland, does this great game called, so he puts a pair of sunglasses on, and then he plays a game with the audience called, am I looking at you or am I looking at something else? One of the best things I've ever seen. So he's doing it yesterday. First of all, he's doing it in a kid's show,

and he also does things, so he makes up stories, and the kids have to say things that are used in the stories. Two kids yesterday says first time it's ever happened he goes to the first kid he goes and out of his pocket

he pulled a right and the first kid goes these nuts and Roscoe was like peanuts very good little boy then he goes then he goes to like

another little even smaller child who's sitting on his mother's lap, right? And he goes, and he pulled out of his pocket, and the kid goes, a dildo. And he was just like, yes, some polos. Ladies and gentlemen, Baby Bogans. Baby Bogans.

So then last night, he was doing the middle section of the show that had that girl, Nikki, at it, who was filming everything. And so he decided to play that game am I looking at you or am I looking at something else and he goes to her he's like what's your name she says Nikki

he makes a joke then he goes am I looking at you or am I looking at something else she takes out her left tit and goes I bet you're looking at this and he's like

that's not how this game works it's the first time anyone's ever been right ridiculous so then she was then talking to him afterwards explaining that she was with Channel 10 and she was there with the producer and everything and then yeah she's talking to him afterwards explaining that she was with channel 10

and she was there with the producer and everything and then yeah she's filming the gig and all that and then it got to that awkward time

though where the first time she got slammed you think oh okay she can tell I'm annoyed now but it was still

laughter and everything but then by like the fourth one you're just shouting at a person yeah you're just you're not even

doing comedy while they're recording yeah while they're recording she's got a recording of you just like shouting at a person yeah you're just you're not even doing comedy while they're recording yeah while they're recording she's got a recording of you just like shouting at her yeah it's just such a stupid thing

I never understand photos are comedy maybe but filming it's just who's that for it's just not live in the moment guys

seeing that though I had decent gigs so I'm not that mad I mean not from the angle she filmed you. I mean, that was cheat day. You were huge. Yeah, you would be able to see my hard-on from the side. Which recorded from the front, so it wasn't so obvious I had a boner.

Yes, it wasn't sundialing. Sundialing. Is that walking around with a boner? Yeah, I just made that up. You know what time it is. Fucking nailed it. You know what time it is. 7pm, according to my left-shaped penis.

Left-shaped. What is that? Hey, should we do a little bit of Muggle Corner? Let's do it. Let's go, Fresh. I really struggled with these today. Did you? I can't wait to hear how shit they are.

What I want to do, because I'm just concerned the batteries might need changing at some point, I'm going to pause this and then unpause it again. The podcast listeners didn't need to know that, but you know what? Break the fourth wall. And we're back. And we're going to come straight in with Muggle Corner. You've got yours open on your phone already. Yep. You go, though.

I'll go first. This is something that I wrote down yesterday, and then you did it the day when I was talking to you. Really? And I really wanted to pull you up on it. Oh, no way. I don't know how much of a Muggle you were, but I thought I'm going to save it for the podcast. It's when, you know when you. Really? And I really wanted to pull you up on it. Oh, no way. To tell you how much of a muggle you were. Go on. But I thought I'm going to save it for the... It's when... You know when you're telling a story

that includes a back and forth between two people? Okay. And then he said, and then she said. Yeah, yeah. Right? And he said, you've got to be there at 10 o'clock. And then she said,

oh, I'm going to be a bit late. I'm going to be there at 11. Right? That's all you need to know. Right? But you and other muggles add, and then he said, you've got to be there for 10 o'clock and blah, blah, blah. And then she said, oh, you've got to be there at 11 right that's all you need to know right but you and other muggles add and then he said you've got to be there for 10 o'clock and blah blah blah and then she said oh you've got to be there for 11 and blah blah blah and you just add like it and blah blah blah to whatever they're

meant to be saying in the conversation yeah and it's so unnecessary but it's so frequent but in my stories they say blah blah blah well you're talking to freaks you're talking to fucking stone cold freaks mate kill them snap their necks snap their necks bleed them dry right snap their necks fucking hang them up by their ankles slit their throat

and just bleed them out blah them out blah no blah I mean string them up cut their neck

bleed them out till they die and blah blah blah blah blah blah and whatnot it's like it's almost up there with and then I turned around and said string them up, cut their neck, bleed them out until they die and blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. It's like, it's almost up there with, and then I turned around and said, you've got to be there

at 10 o'clock and then she said, she turned around and said, I'm going to be there by 11 and then I turned around and said, oh, can it be that late? And then she turned around

and went, I've got no choice and I'm like, are these two people spinning around while they're talking and saying blah, blah, blah? It's just the unnecessary

shave the conversation down to the component parts that are required so it should just go like there was a guy and a girl done nah so what's happening is you're basically saying when you're adding it and blah blah blah you're saying there was more to the conversation than that but i'm telling you what you need to know yeah but it makes me kind of intrigued i'm like what's the blah blah blah bit because how am i meant to but yeah listen when we became friends the very first thing i said to you was this is on a need-to-know basis and i just use what you need to know and even if you want to know you don't need to know

actually what i said was this is a a neat blah, blah, basis. And you were like, neat what? Right, this is what I'm going to do. It's muggly, right? Yeah, yeah, of course. It is muggly. Like, I tell you what, actually, here's how I know it's muggly. I would never do that on stage.

Yeah. Like, I would never say that on stage. Because why would you? So, if anyone says blah, blah, blah, from now on, I'm going to do one of two things. I'm just going to do blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, from now on I'm going to do one or two things. I'm just going to do blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah That was definitely the topper. You don't make a pizza with pepperoni on the bottom. But this is it. Exactly, right? All the flavours in the bottom. That'd be really cool, though, because you're like, oh, margarita.

Oh, well, I'm going to eat it anyway. It's not like I'm going to go, oh, margarita. No, thanks. I'm still hungry. And then you take a bite and you're like, ah, you cheeky devil. You cheeky pepperoni. You cheeky little pepperoni. Here we are.

Here's the cheese that lays over the top of the pepperoni that you already know is there. We're really bad at metaphors. This is like... Metaphor feast. Metaphor... Oh, we're the worst. Blah, blah, blah. Go on.

Blah, blah, blah. What's your second option? The second option is just like, act like you're really interested in what the blah, blah, blah is. So then he said, I'm going to be there at 10 o'clock and blah, blah, blah. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. What did they like I'm really interested in what the blah, blah, blah is. So then he said, I'm going to be there at 10 o'clock and blah, blah, blah. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. What did they say after 10 o'clock?

What blah, blah, blah? What was the thing? Was it second blah? You said blah, blah, blah. Second blah or the first blah? Yeah. Where was that then? Was it Waterford blah?

Oh, that wasn't blah. That was fucking necessary. That's important. That's not blah. If anything, that's blah, blah. There's no blah, blah, blah. You know, how much are you going to commit

to the first one? Like if somebody says blah, blah, blah, how much are you definitely going to do what you just like if somebody says blah blah blah how much are you definitely going to do what you just did well the first one yeah yeah are you going to commit to that

blah blah blah blah blah are you going to commit to that start like really fingering me lips going blah blah blah smuggy top lip all over it are you going to do that 100%

yeah I am going to shout blah blah blah at your gig well that doesn't count why does that not count because you're not using it in the context of a conversation.

I will. I'll tell a story. I'll tell a story. This is corrective behavior. I'll tell a story. I'll stand up as they're telling a story and I'll go,

actually, sorry, you're busy, blah, blah, blah. Actually. And then I'll just go, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This guy's a genius. Man, that's the best heck I've ever seen.

And then somebody will turn around and go, what do you mean, blah, blah, blah? That's really interesting. Cancel the show show I want to hear what happened to this story

yeah that is Mugly I'll agree with that and blah blah blah and blah blah blah that's fair enough alright we'll go to my atrocious ones Muggles say

I couldn't give a shit about countries big sporting events you know people who don't like sports and then they go and then like so the Six Nations obviously started this weekend know people who don't like sports and then they go and then like so the Six Nations

obviously started this weekend and people don't like sports and they go oh there's something on. To be honest I couldn't give a shit about it. It's like you don't have to say

you don't give a shit about it. You just have to don't express an interest. You have to slag it and it's not if it was just like if it's club football if it's Liverpool United

fair enough. That's small marginalised you know but if it's a country thing it's, there's people who don't like rugby, but they're watching it because the whole country is watching it. The whole country is behind it. People have got this real need to be relevant, so what will happen is the Super Bowl was on last night, right?

Yeah, yeah. I'm just going to say it right now. I'm disinterested. Now, I should say, before you go on, it was probably the best Super Bowl I've ever seen in my life. Really? The biggest comeback

in Super Bowl history 28-3 down Tom Brady who is literally the greatest quarterback to ever play the game now won a fifth Super Bowl ring by coming back

to level it with a minute to go 28 all and winning it in overtime with a sudden death touchdown. Wow. And now you've said Super Bowl so much

I want a bowl of soup. Campbell's? Blah, blah, blah. So, to say everything you just said to me there about the Super Bowl, it bounces off us because I'm kind of immune. Yeah, because you're not into it. I'm not invested in it. So, I'm aware that it's going on last night.

So, what I did is I went to bed, and and then I woke up and I got on with my day. And I just completely avoided the fact that it was on because other people are loving it. It's not really for me. I just step aside. Nothing to say here. But there's other people in my position that see other people chatting about the Super Bowl and enjoying the Super Bowl and then putting something out there or saying something because they feel like

they need to be relevant about it but they've got nothing to say. When you've got nothing to say, don't say nothing. And yeah, and it's just, especially when it's a country thing, that's what annoys me more than anything

because it's just like, it's so, when a country's doing well at something, it's so community spirited. You know what I mean? Like when Ireland got to the quarterfinals of Italian 90, like you've never seen a country celebrate like they did.

Like, it was insane. It was like we'd won. Like, it was like, because it said final, we were like, we've won. That was Jackie Charlton as well, wasn't it? That was Jackie Charlton, yeah, yeah. Which, by the way, Ashington lad. Oh, really?

Yeah. Oh, amazing. So, yeah, he's like, he's obviously freedom of the country and everything. He's such a hero in Ireland. But, like, that culture around then because it was a miserable time in Ireland at the time

it was so it was in the middle of a recession and everything but it was like properly amazing same with Wales this year when they got to the semis it's a huge thing

so for people to then just slam that down for no reason just because they don't like the sport yeah you're like fair enough you don't like the sport

but you don't like your country you know what I mean you don't like them doing well you don't like people being happy I remember being't like your country. You know what I mean? You don't like them doing well. You don't like people being happy. I remember being fucking delighted when England won the Rugby World Cup. Without ever following rugby, right? I just seemed to get sucked into this national pride. I remember watching that game.

The Johnny Wilkinson. The Johnny Wilkinson final. They haven't scored at every point. And then actually went out on the piss because of that. It ended up on a night out in Newcastle where everyone was buzzing because that country had just won a World Cup. Why the fuck would you reject that? So weird. Was it

2001, 2002? That's what I mean. Everybody's into it. It's a good thing. There's no reason not to be into it. And just as well, publicly rejecting it so that you can get some sort of attention off it yeah it's weird man get in the corner have a little think about that

go on i'm a little think about that blah blah blah um i caught gareth doing this on last week's podcast You just I'm catching people being muggles Snitches get stitches man Yep Why do you think I look like fucking What do you think that bee stung me today That was a snitch That was a bee snitch

It was a sting operation Oh my god Wait It was a sting operation. Oh, my God. That's what you, Tommy, hates. Tom Horton loves them. Loves the puns. Wait. Before I bring up this muggle corner, I just want to... I got this thing today, getting stung off the bee.

You know Muhammad Ali? He says, fly like a butterfly and sting like a bee. Float like a butterfly. Float like a butterfly. Yeah. Sting like a bee. Yeah. Fly like a butterfly.

What? All over the shop? That's actually how you get Parkinson's. That's why it's pretty harsh on our WhatsApp group. Muhammad Ali, we love you thank you for your entertainment thank you for everything you brought to the world

but also thank you for setting understanding for that joke I'll tell you when I was thinking about that joke there I was like

this is shaky oh no that's a tummy topper a tummy topper well what I was about to say isn't anywhere near that. So that was the pepperoni under the cheese right now. So I'm just going to cheese all over it with.

He said sting like a bee, right? Yeah. Well, that bee stung us. And it was, like, annoying. And I worried about it for a minute. But the bee died, right? So sting like a bee would be, like, annoy someone to the detriment of your own life. Sting like a bee ain't a threat.

It's like, boy, you're thread it's like what you're gonna you're gonna like nip us and then die yeah yeah you're gonna flutter around not knowing where you're going and then kind of bite us and then die

alright bring it on Muhammad that's so strangely like Islamophobic yeah that was definitely bring it on Muhammad I mean if there's people who listen to this podcast who are like we

need to get them now the fbi taking this down from the inside bring it on you know if you pulled a gun on muhammad ali would you would you go to hell because you're not allowed to draw muhammad i'm not even going with that one no I get the joke I know how it works like a western that's a great movie isn't it like a western

like a western should I get back to the muggle corner let's get back to the muggle corner I apologise to the east fucking infidel um adult England oh my god I just glitched Fucking infidel Adulting then Oh my god I just glitched

Adulting When people talk about adulting Yeah yeah Like it's a verb Well yeah yeah Gene posted it on Facebook That's in the dictionary now

Oh it is That's right yeah But Because Gareth had to go And sort out his mortgage He's like yeah I've got to go And be an adult

I'm like that's really muggly because you're an adult right from the minute you're fucking the minute you're jacking off you're an adult right I don't think that's

I don't think that's legally it fuck law right you start taking accountability for yourself at quite an early age in this life

I'm from a council estate in Blythe mate I fucking raised by the streets I know where you're from you don't shit up about it Jesus but you take accountability for yourself right but it's just this kind of like kind of pansy little like studenty oh I'm being an adult now I made my own beans like like fucking you're an adult the minute you wipe your own arse and put your own fucking but maybe not maybe not at the age of six how early did you wake up but when you're in your

mid twenties talking about I've got to go and be an adult like you're living this like eternal child life like what I like to say but I think that's what it is I think that's what it is

I think like Xboxing and using apps especially comedians as well you feel like you're an eternal child so when you have to do but I like to wear it like this

it's technically the same thing but I go I've got to do some real life shit because we're living in this fucking snow globe where everything is fucking peaches and cream

and all of a sudden you've got a speeding ticket you've got to deal with and you've got to deal with some real life shit and that's how I refer to it when I hear someone I've got to go and be an adult

I'm like fuck off especially during these festivals especially during these festivals as well I was chatting to this girl who's from like an improv crew

and she was saying to me she was like oh yeah the rest of them are going to Adelaide I was chatting to this girl who's from like an improv crew and she was saying to me she was like oh yeah the rest of them are going to Adelaide I was only here for a few weeks but I'll be down

in Adelaide and Melbourne before I have to go back and just like get out of this dream and you're like yeah that's what it is it's like a little dream world you know

and even you forget about things back home you know what I mean you forget you're like oh crap yeah there's that thing's due that day

this bill's coming out tonight I'm running the gigs tonight yeah yeah I'm so disconnected for it I've been on top of it and like keeping in touch with Gav

about the punch trunk run that's coming up and making sure the acts are like getting collected at the right times and everything so it's going on but then it's still like

I'm just in this little desert island and even though I've got like business to attend to yeah because I run the seller while I'm gone the international it's such a weird feeling

isn't it it's weird because you got to schedule the emails do everything like that it's just you're kind of like trying to be on top of things

yeah adulting you're adulting adulting is so hard guys so hard adulting guys wait I get what you're saying when you say adulting

better phrase but just say you're dealing with some real life well unfortunately that phrase is now never going to go away as well life admin as well

I like to say that because it's in the dictionary now it's never going away and Scrabble just got a whole lot fucking more annoying I don't think that's if someone puts adulting

down in the middle of a game of Scrabble when you're trying to child but first of all you're trying to play board games remind me of that no but then you get to make the. But first of all... You're trying to play board games. Oh, remind me of that. No, but then you get to make the joke. Then you go, how ironic. Here we are playing a board game and you said

I don't think... Reminds me I've got to do my mortgage. You notice how difficult it's been for me to say I don't... Yeah. I think that's why you don't like it. I don't... I want to not put it in the corner just so you have to say it more. Because, you know, in my accent you can't, like, you know, Dick Whittington you can't like, you know,

Dick Whittington. I can't say Dick Whittington. I say Dick Whittington and it like aborts the word out my nose. And if I say it properly, Dick Whittington, I just sound like a fucking sat-nav.

Birmingham. Birmingham. Birmingham. Birmingham. Dick Whittington went to Birmingham. Dick Whittington went to Birmingham and he had to do some Adelton. I'm bitten you here as well because I've done that on stage before. Dick Whittington went to Birmingham and he had to do some adulting I'm bitten you here as well

because I've done that on stage before Dick Whitten went to Birmingham and he had to do adulting Valid though I think your accent is essentially just this Efficiency Efficiency mate We've fucking evolved

That's what Australians do actually isn't it Australians always shorten things out and then a comedian on stage yesterday right said all you're trying to do is get inside a girl's puss

and I was like just say the why shorten the word pussy just say the why how quickly do you need to be inside that pussy Kerry killed me yesterday he's been working

on this bit right he's been working on a bit but he'd done it a little bit wrong on stage but this is how right

so the bit is about how children this is Kerry Marks children learn how to speak at a younger age in Australia because adults speak more like children. There's not much difference between. This is how it's meant to go.

There's not much difference between Boo Boo Baba Gaga and Bevy at the Barbie DeSavo. And it's quite a fucking really funny bit. We chatted about it in the kitchen, and then I saw him go into it for the first time on stage. So he's got it in his head, and he was struggling to get his tongue around the tongue twist of this Avobarbie bevy and remember what the word and he went on

and he just went goo-ga-ga-babas not too dissimilar to Abobarbie and I was like what the fuck I'm at the back and people were like it took him a while after like to remember what Barbie was next yeah when he said Barbie he kind of diffused the tension because such a silly word Barbie yeah after like to remember what barbie was next and when he said barbie kind of diffused the tension because it's such a silly word barbie yeah and like they realized what he was doing and like he totally got away with it right and when he come off i was like dude i can't believe you fucking said that and he was like said what and he was he was like i said arvo this arvo and i was like you didn't man you said arvo and then like customers are coming out and he goes hey did i accidentally say and he asked one of the customers one of the punters

and they're like yeah that's what sounded like you said. And then he just stood at the exit going, I meant to say Arvo! I meant to say Arvo! And he shouted at every customer that walked out. I mean, if you're walking by that venue and you're only just hearing it,

again, he might be going, I meant to say Arvo! He just sounds like a really aggressive racist oh my god that reminds us i was doing a gig in um in helsinki with a comedian called luke benson you know luke tall yeah spoiler alert luke's tall uh yeah it's one of his jokes schmook schminson schmook Schmenson's very small. Doesn't work at all, does it? How ironic. That's the joke. That's the joke.

He's actually huge. He was on stage in Helsinki, Finland, and he's doing this bit about my lass. He's like, my lass back home. He's talking about his lass. And then the audience, who are really going for all of his bits, just started going quiet and not really going for this material about his lass. And it was quite obvious to me straight away

that they don't know the slang lass for girlfriend. So it dawned on me, but it hadn't dawned on him. And then I think he realised like a bit too late had to wrap the show because he'd done his time so he like he had a good gig and then it just didn't

quite land at the end and then when he'd come off stage I'd just like I'd just come up like proper held my game face my poker face

and everything and I was like dude you do know Lass in Finland in Finnish is like the N word like he's basically

you know and then he's fucking he's fucking he's fucking he went grey man really almost green the colour just

I could see because Lewis Cesarin was on stage rapping up you know Lewis right the host of the comedy Estonia gigs and stuff

comedy Finland so he was on stage rapping up and you could see Luke had like a bit of a pang to go back on stage to just go I didn't realise that but I had to stop him

I was like dude dude sorry mate it's just a prank it just wasn't a funny bit to find out he hadn't just been dropping the L bomb a fucking million times it just wasn't a funny bit that's all that's even worse I'm going to say adulting yeah

that goes in yeah definitely but unfortunately it's never going to go away now now that it's in the dictionary I think it's going

to stay there under the surface like a pepperoni but it's never going to this metaphor is gone oh it was gone

long long time muggles weigh ages for a small amount of change in the newsagents before putting it in the charity box. I'm such a muggle. You do that? I'm such a fucking muggle.

You do that? Oh, man, they'll go, that's $9.80. I'll hand them a tenner. They just stand there. They just wait. They just drop it in the charity box. And then just go. It is a waste of money as well.

If you put it in the tip jar yeah just give them like 20 cents 10p yeah that'll sort out those guide dogs I would have found

its way there if you just fucking left that's what I mean that's what I mean if you just left it'd be in my pocket or in that jar done

but em because you want to get that you're welcome thing you want to get that as the change drops there you go thank you

you go hey that's for me yeah just no I wouldn't say it's for the credit because it's almost an embarrassingly low amount of tips like barry castagnola thank you yeah like barry had his 20p tip in that he thought nobody saw so yeah it was it was actually like 980 or something like that and it came back i came back to 20p and barry did a little two finger side movement like you're swiping on an app and you do a finger side movement as if you keep that for yourself big boy

and he thought nobody saw it and I'm like uh oh this is your next four days rinsed still going on three years later because that thing as well the reason I think I've mentioned this on the podcast before but I've now mentioned it to you so I'll keep it as a brief on three years later. Because that thing as well, the reason,

I think I've mentioned this on the podcast before, but I've never mentioned it to you, so I'll keep it ever so brief. Everything that's $9.99, the reason for that isn't to make you think it's cheaper than what it is or smarter than that.

It's just so that they have to ring it through the till to give you some change. So there's also the thing that if you give someone the tenner and walk away, they'll not run it through the till, put it down a spillage and pocket the money that if you give someone the tenner and walk away they'll not run it

through the till put it down a spillage and pocket the money yeah but you know what fuck the man yeah that's not got to do with us I'm not hanging around

I've done my part of this transaction yeah yeah I'm not here to fucking protect the name above the door do you think that is actually the reason

that I didn't that is the reason I didn't book about economics really because that's interesting now because like obviously in Ireland they're getting rid of ones and twos. Right.

So everything gets rounded up or down. Same here. Kind should be abolished. Same here in Australia. So I don't even know if everything is, like, 995 or 10. Like, you know what I mean? There's no... So basically, it's like the ones and twos are gone.

So things just, like, will go up to a tenner. So it's that type of thing. But I guess it still goes in as 9.95 or 9.87 or whatever, you know. So I never knew that. That's an interesting, interesting fact from Kai.

And my, my, to extend it is, why do they have 9.90, like 19 pound point nine on petrol? Yeah. They're always going to put petrol

up to the, to the button. I think I've discussed this before, so we'll just move on to the next thing. Oh, hold on, what was it

no it was small amount of change small amount of change definite muggle corner I'm so in there and I catch myself doing it every time I don't know why

I haven't done it before and went oh this has got to go on muggle corner because I do it every fucking time and then just walk away again that was weird because that's the other

thing as well sometimes I've done it of course like but you know you'll stand there and you go and sometimes I'll only realise how much the change is going to be

yeah but then you've stood there so long that if you walk away it's weird before you get it back and also just the walking away thing is like it's almost rude that you're just ghosting away

so they like go into the till and turn around and you're like oh he's gone but they're not that bothered they're not like they're going to be there going well

that's spoilt my day where's that man's manners what i do is i walk away and then when i get the door i go keep the change two feet you lucky devil buy yourself something nice buy yourself a nice smock okay so that's in go on wait so have i got one more to do? I think so, yeah. We both got one more. Oh. This happened, and I don't mean to stick this shit into the person who recently commented

on the thing I shared because I've seen this a little bit, and it's more verbally than on Facebook, but it's when people say, I wish I thought of that, about something you can only get credit for. So let me give you an example. I put on,

I shared a video of someone putting the spoon under the tap, like washing the dishes. Oh yeah. Turns the spoon over and after it sprays, it cuts to like an End of Days type movie, where there's a tsunami and loads of fucking water gushing down. A toonami? Toonami.

Toonami. Toonami. A tsunami. Toonami's best season was 2006, Tsunami. Tsunami. Tsunami's best season was 2006 Boxing Day. They got all the worldwide credit. So many news reports. They were trending worldwide. They were screaming at Tsunami.

Tsunami. I'm fucking saying this. I'm going to the paquette next week. Well, in six weeks, you know. I bend time sometimes. Time means nothing. So someone went, oh, I wish I'd thought of that.

Right? I'm going to say, you're going to say, I wish I'd thought of that if someone comes up with a good idea that could have benefited your life in a way like, oh, you can get this spray on suntan lotion

where it doesn't go greasy and it's easy to put on oh fuck I've just come back from your holiday I wish I'd thought of that something that could have benefited your life if you thought of it that was a terrible example

where's that grey one but you know if something so I know what you mean what you mean is that someone pays full price for a ticket for your show but then they find out

that there was the quick tickets that are only 10 bucks and they go oh I've just spent 20 bucks on the tickets. I wish I'd thought of that. They would have benefited your life. Yeah, you mean a smaller thing rather than like with somebody coming up with like sun cream, like you were trying to say.

That's an inventor coming up with that. That's somebody being paid to specifically come up with that. Oh, I just meant come up with putting it on. I think I'm losing my train here, right? So let's rewind it. Okay. Right. If someone does something that could have benefited your life

and you go, I wish I'd thought to do that. But if someone comes up with a creative thing, like a joke or a video, and then they go, I wish I'd thought of that. It's like they're almost resenting the person who made it for getting credit for it. They're like, I wish I was getting all the credit he was getting for coming up with that thing.

It's like a negative compliment. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because they're going, that's a great video. Yeah. But I'm annoyed. And then I'm sure, I'm not sure, but I don't think that person shared it. Oh, that's even more annoying.

They didn't even credit the person that made it with a share. They just sat there going, wish it was me. Oh, man. That is so great. I don't want to show anybody. I wish it was me. Oh, man. That is so great. I don't want to show anybody. I wish it was me so I could show people. I definitely agree

that I hate it. I don't think it's muggly. I don't think it's a big thing. It's more of a narcissistic thing, right? Yeah. They're not the shit on this dude because you just said it flippantly. Was it a comic?

I think so. I've never met a master. Becauseippantly was it a comic I think so I've never met a master because if they're not a comic then it makes even more even less sense

yeah I think it's like why would you do that you're an accountant Dave I think

why would you be editing funny videos I think it's a comic and if he is listening to this podcast

I don't know if he'll listen or what like I didn't take this personally of course I'm just making

an example the same way I made an example of Stanley for saying blah blah blah

yeah and I got away with it because I'm a legend blah blah blah he's getting away with it because he's finding out made an example of Stanley for saying blah blah blah yeah and I got away with it because I'm a legend blah blah blah he's getting away with it

because he's finding out he's not a muggle blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah so so I think I'd like to just go

I wish I thought of that about people getting credit like no you didn't think of it no they thought of it so just give them credit take yourself out of the equation yeah what you should be the next time you and he typed it as well so it's worse

yeah if you say it then you're like okay i just said it but he wrote that out he typed that out and hit enter because it is quite common for a comedian to think of a joke and then a bunch of comedians are kicking themselves that they didn't think of course yeah but instead of going but instead i wish i thought of that you should just go what a great joke what a great joke bam yeah and you know what by you saying

what a great joke or by him saying what a great video or by somebody saying what a great invention you've implied that you wish you thought of that yeah fuck

it's already there of course it's not like somebody goes what a great idea I'm glad I didn't think of that I couldn't deal with the pressure of the success that would bring to my life pen of sun so from now on pen of sun I wish I think of that I couldn't deal with the pressure of the success that would bring to my life

pen of sun so from now on pen of sun I wish I'd invented that from now on it's implied if you say that's a great video

it's implied that you wish you'd thought of it absolutely yeah but I still don't know if it's in the corner okay because it's still a bit vague

well we've both got to agree on it to be in the corner so look if you do say I wish I'd thought of that you're not in the corner I'll be honest I wish I'd thought of that, you're not in the corner. I'll be honest. I wish I'd thought of Muggles Corner. Okay, here's my last one.

Just enjoy Muggles Corner for what it is. Muggles set five alarms for the morning when they have to get up. Natalie's listening. From the corner. Five alarms, ten minutes apart or five minutes apart she snoozes each and every

fucking one of them there's a comic called Matt Sadler and he used to do a routine about this and he's a doctor right he's a doctor

so he's like he knows his shit and he's just like how does that make any sense why not just have the last alarm and get an extra

40 minutes uninterrupted sleep I sleep through alarms like a motherfucker though I've slept through alarms and missed flights like important the last alarm and get an extra 40 minutes uninterrupted sleep. I sleep through alarms like a motherfucker though. I've slept through alarms and missed flights like important and expensive flights

and I've just slept through them. Just get a better alarm. Get a louder one. Make the sound noisier. How are five tiny alarms? Because if you knock it off by accident in your sleep because sometimes you wake up

and you're just like oh fucking shut up man and you turn it off But that's what snooze is for. But setting five alarms. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about pre-empting every seven minutes.

You know what I mean? I think you're just trying to annoy the shit he has to have out about, aren't you? I set two alarms this morning. One for my time, one for Jiu-Jitsu. Yeah, this is different

because you were out last night and they're an hour apart. I set a really optimistic I'm going to get up for my time alarm. Yeah, and is different because you were out last night and they're an hour apart. I set a really optimistic I'm going to get up for my Thai alarm and then I set the like this is more realistic you're going to fuck off

my Thai and go to jiu-jitsu which is a later class. That's an hour apart. That's not like I'm talking about because even an hour you will get a better sleep because you'll go back

into Orem you'll go into deeper sleep. Those seven minute bits in between not helping in any way at all. So Natalie, stop it. If this is going in the corner, I'm going to get in the corner,

but Natalie is going to be in the corner more. Oh God, go with my girlfriend to the corner. I'm going to get in the corner. No, no, no. Ask yourself, how often do I have to set an alarm? Sometimes I go to bed and I'm like, oh, I have to be up on Thursday.

Yeah, and I've seen you set an alarm Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Every five minutes. Every five minutes. That is 200, 400 alarms a day. 72 hours. And I'm like, Kai, this is taking you. By the time you set all those alarms,

it'll be Thursday. Straight in the corner. Yes. Time is ticking so let's yeah I think we need to that's it so let's go through the muggle corners

and we'll decide so you get away with it if you say I wish I thought of that about stuff yeah just let people have let people

give people credit yeah another one like that that sometimes comes up is sometimes someone will put a joke and someone will go oh I was thinking that earlier.

Oh, that's even worse. I hadn't said it. And you go, well, why didn't you just go, oh, I wish I trusted my thought enough to say it out loud. That's a horrible comment. I was thinking that earlier. I was just thinking that. That's a really bad comment. That's like somebody scoring an amazing goal and somebody else going, I was about to kick that in.

I was about to kick that ball in. Sorry, before you kicked that ball in, I was about to kick that ball in. Goal thief. Goal thief. One of their own original thoughts. Yeah, yeah. Goal thief.

Original thought. Yeah, I think that's kind of in the same bracket, but it's not in the Muggle corner. You can stay out, but I've got you in there for a minute if you say blah, blah, blah in the middle of a conversation. And then if you refer to things

as being an adult or adulting when you're an adult and you have been for a long, long time. Yeah, there's no... Children don't go, I'm childing. Childing. You just pissed yourself.

I'm childing. Childing. Just childing around. Fuck, I child a lot. Yep. So two of them in. Couldn't give a shit about country's big sporting events. Straight in.

Straight in. Right? Waiting ages for small amounts of change. Fuck. Straight in. Five alarms for the morning. You pitched me a tent in the corner on that one. You're checked into the Muggle Corner Hotel

for a weekend and you get all your alarms set and when you're checking in and paying they're like here's your 5p change you're like

I'll wait for it and then I put do not disturb on the fucking door do not disturb because there's a sporting event that I don't care about

blah blah blah blah blah blah I've got some shit to say about your dad before we wrap this up. Listen, bring it. Fucking your dad's got a thigh gap. We should say you were writing one of these earlier on,

and I've never seen you laugh so hard at your own joke. All right. Okay, good. Your dad eats salad when he's on a diet, but still orders a side of chips and says, don't tell anyone. Says don't tell anyone. Your dad put a three pound boost on a post on his Facebook like page that said, who's up?

Inbox me. Your dad sings along with hold music. With what? Hold music. Oh, hold music. Let me put you in hold. All night long. Sorry, can you put me back in hold there?

Sonic the Hedgehog. Can you put me back on hold there? Sonic the Hedgehog. Can you put me back on hold there? I love that song. Oh, they pick up when he's just belting out the chorus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fiesta forever. Barry Costanola. That is my favourite bit, honestly.

And I like that that's when he does it and he waits the gap of silence and then he goes back we have stuff for him he's taking pills today taking pills to the Lionel Richie gig but that's like

the only song that's upbeat oh it's so good it's so good oh man love that dude go on wish I'd thought

of that joke I was just thinking that before you said it and blah blah blah your dad keyed his own car because he fucked his wife your dad's I was just thinking that before you said it. And blah, blah, blah. Your dad keyed his own car because he fucked his wife. Your dad's pin number is 1234. It's written on his card.

He forgets it. Your dad likes the feeling of his skin on leather on a hot day and he sleeps naked on the couch with a heating on during the summer months. Your dad's password is password no four no one no numbers no capitals

your dad sprints home from work so he can get home in time for the cartoons your dad's secret question answer is dad I'm spot on

a theme that's the last one rule of three rule of three rule of three do you want to hear the one I was laughing at a lot to myself in the cafe

do you know what I saved till the end nah okay go on nah I'm just gonna put it where I put it if you spray a dad with a horse

he snucks at the water like a dog you see that way He's free of water On his dog He's like I know what you mean Your dad

Your dad eats burritos With a knife and fork Oh I'm up now So impressed with my dog I'm really Fancying a burrito now as well Oh yeah Should we go for a burrito

We'll get some colour Your dad plays you your dad plays you your dad plays you too on full blast out of his phone speaker as well as on the bus that's standard that's an Irish thing

your dad can't do a your dad can't do a three point turn takes him seven just one second am I okay am I alright then you do this part

Make a beep noise Like it's a modern car Your dad blacked up While your mum was in labour And called her a cheating bitch When you came out white That should be a great joke That'd be a great joke

For the doctors and nurses You fucking whore That's not mine That's not mine Your dad eats choc-ices for the doctors and nurses. You fucking whore. That's not mine. That's not mine. Your dad eats chalk ices over the sink in case any of it drips. Seems like a wise thing to do.

Sensible. I'm being real Australian. Sensible Kev, that's what we call us. Sensible Kev. Your dad practices going down on your mom by playing the bagpipes.

It's more about my mom. It's exactly the same motion. Your dad plays whole games of five a side as the goalie oh god fucking hell not even by choice

has full gloves full gloves you mean he brings gloves but proper goalie gloves not magic gloves not like my cat my cat

or something like that you know the old ones he wears he wears scratch mitts you hour or something like that? You know, the old ones? He wears, he wears scratch mitts, you know, the scratch pads that you play with from the beach. Where's oven gloves? He wears them for the,

for the fairy five-a-side ball, you know, the green fairy five-a-side ball he puts on the scratch mitts from the beach and then, yeah, that's as far as that's going to go. Blah, blah, blah.

This is the last one. Better be good. Better be good. Your dad goes into Subway And asks for a Subway melt on wheat No cheese No meat No salad

No bread And then leaves with an empty bag and a napkin Love a Subway joke Love a Subway joke When your dad high fives kids He recoils back and pretends That it's after hurting his hand But what nobody realises

Is that he's actually in pain He's broken metacarpal He's broken his hand Oh it's that weak I need to drink some more milk and it's a wrap look at the time what is it it's good

it's a good time loads of time brilliant plug some shit I've just spat all over you you didn't see that because it's a podcast but I just practically

fucking barfed all of yesterday's meals oh my god quick suck it out suck it out suck it out I think it's the liquid I think it's a podcast but I just practically fucking barfed all of yesterday's meals all over oh my god quick suck it out suck it out suck it out I think it's the liquid I think it's water

leave me out all over you it's not water I'm still doing shows oh my solo show starts next week so if you're in Australia if you're in the remote city in the world

the most remote city in the world of Perth Andrew Stanley's show starts next week I've got multiple shows on check out our websites and shit right

yeah Fringe World or Facebook and Twitter and you'll find out all the details of that and I'm going to plug back home this is going out on Monday morning

because it's Monday afternoon now so time difference states that it's going to be Monday morning when it hits people's ears if you're fucking in drivable distance if you can get the Blythe

by tonight by 8pm we've got the sickest line up ever we've got Mickey Bartlett Chris Kent and the Raymond and Mrs. Atimkin's Review

hosted by Matt Reid and it's the fucking launch of 2017 at Punch Drunk Comedy it's going to be good it's going to be pretty I don't know if it will match the last

headliner Punch Drunk had of 2016 that was you wasn't it that was pretty good yeah but then I went on stage and wrapped up so I was technically

the last one well the problem was when you went up and wrapped up I was like man I was just the last fan well the problem was when you went up and wrapped up I was like man I was just thinking that you were just thinking what

I was just thinking what I said commit to the bit commit to the bit commit to your bit should have distinct like a commitment so look

if you're in the North East of England you've got four gigs ahead of you you've got Blythe tonight you've got Belletton on Tuesday you've got As gigs ahead of you you've got Blythe tonight you've got Bedlitten on Tuesday you've got Ashington

the home of Jackie Charlton 1990 Irish hero yep and that's on Wednesday and on Thursday you've got Cramlinton so get yourself to one of those gigs

don't let it pass you by and you deprive yourself of all that laughter and if you're in Perth come see me and Andrew Stanley make it known that you've heard the podcast

share all this stuff out as well. Share this. Yeah. This whole podcast of Rooney. Share everything. It's free for you, but just put a little bit of a,

click the button. Yeah, don't just comment under it going, oh man, I wish I'd thought of that. I think people have left already. This is the longest wrap up ever. I don't know.

We can make it longer. Nah, let's say goodbye. Enjoy your week, folks. See you again.