Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.1 Are we on the Same Podcast

Episode Date: October 1, 2018

AND THEY'RE BACK!! Comencing tour in Ljubjana after a pre-season break and so much has changed in the interim. Muggins is Married and Cream is on Netflix. So much catch up packed into one hour of podcast. After the recent unwarrented love-guru status of Daniel in the wake of his 'Jigsaw' show they added the game of Agony Aunt giving unqualified counicil on a listeners email seeking relationship advice.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. And that's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

Are we on the same podcast? Oh, very luckily, Dad. Hello and welcome back to Sloss and Humphreys on the Road with me, Cream, slash Daniel Sloss. And me, Muggan, slash Thundertongue, slash Queen of the Earth, slash Queen of the Earth slash Queen of the Earth I don't know what that is I was just riffing on it

Aye I bet you I should have done that That's what I think of myself anyway Queen of the Earth Aye Queen's a gender neutral term anyway now isn't it Freddie Mercury was a queen

What gender was he? None of us? No It's true isn't it now He's very much an 80s icon But we're back on the road for... This is our third season of doing podcasts. Yeah, so basically we're on the road for the next three months across Europe and the UK.

And so this is a bi-weekly podcast we do. First things first to our regular listeners. Sorry for this introduction, which you must be bored of by now because you know this podcast very well. But as all of you are very aware, I am newly famous. So there's probably going to be like six new listeners from Venezuela. So we have to explain to them what the fuck this is. Personally, I've never heard of him. Hi, this is Kai Humphries.

He has an accent that is quickly going to get rid of most of our new listeners. I think people keep up mainly. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I work hard at being understood. I mean, there is that thing when you bought me English lessons. Yeah. So I've people keep up mainly. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I work hard at being understood. I mean, there is that thing when you bought me English lessons. Yeah. So I've actually had English lessons. But this is also one of the very few podcasts we'll do over the next three months where we're sober. I love that we're being a little bit formal at the

beginning. We're like, oh, there's new people listening. There's new people listening. We'll just be on our best behavior. Yeah. This podcast is a pile of shit we swear a lot it's argument offensive we've got a lot of dumb ass fucking opinions so if you're not willing to take part in that please turn off now it's a free thing and you therefore don't have a right to complain about it at any point yes and we're we're very much fresh as a daisy because it's the start of the tour we've just begun i fucking i nearly i nearly missed the start of the tour because you're an idiot because i'm an idiot because I went I just done a week away

Leeds and then Liverpool and then I was meant to go home to my wife to my home to your new wife which we'll get on to in a second yeah we'll get on to her in a second

yeah cue that bitch off what's yours is mine so I thought I was going to get to go home but I found myself in Liverpool chatting to my agent and just at the end of the conversation

just wistfully went I can't believe the tour has come around so quick it's on Monday it's on Monday that's how she talks it's on Monday

Sunday she said it's Sunday this was Friday I was having this conversation I was like I don't have my luggage. I fly from here. So you got your new wife to drive up from London with your luggage

so that you could go on your actual honeymoon. With you. So I've literally just got married. It is two weeks ago. Well, two weeks ago, we got back from the trip. And we haven't had a honeymoon yet because of this. Two hours from the trip. And we haven't had a honeymoon yet because of this Tours in the Way. So we're having a honeymoon over Christmas. All right, thanks for referring to the Tours in the Way.

In the Way. Oh, mate. You think that's bad? Do you know I referred to the wedding, at the wedding, to Natalie as a lads' holiday? The only part that's not true about that is if she's someone that doesn't see lads as a gender neutral term

I see lads as a gender neutral term I call everyone lads because we're all lads aren't we how about the boys no it was because I was just talking

about like the notable absentees one of them being our good friend Mark Nelson who's been a fucking

exceptional guest on this podcast before and I was just saying it's such a shame for me to miss out

on another lad's holiday it's not wedding I don't know shh baby

shh yeah it's not wedding so that's you got married I got married? I got married, and dude, that was fucking exceptional, man.

It was a real good wedding. I think we just completed weddings. It was the best. The best man speeches in particular. It's a good speech. I think I have the only best man speech in history that was booed three times. Yeah, because Matty, because they the other best men, two best men, who scrap over who's the best.

Oh, that was funny as well. We'll get back to the speeches. But when you turned up at the airport with gold nail varnish for your toes, because it was on the beach, so to say. All right, so we were not. Shoeless. Yeah. So I decided.

For a way optional when. So I decided that I was going to paint my toenails, because if I'm going to wear shoes and socks, I'm having my toenails painted. So I buy gold nail polish in the airport and I'm like, I'm very aware that I'm going to a Geordie wedding and buying this,

I might get the shit ripped out. Geordies and Glaswegians. Aye. Like, you know, I wouldn't be surprised if some of them are phobic towards this. But I was like, fuck it. You know, I'll wait out.

I've got no shame. Wait up to you. And you're like, did you just buy nail polish? I was like, fuck it. I've got no shame. Went up to you and you're like, did you just buy nail polish? I was like, aye. And then you went, can I have some? You're worried I was going to judge you. And I was like, oh, count me in. So you had got gold stuff. And I was like, oh, this is an idea.

I'll wear gold and you and Matty should wear silver because it's my win, my rules. And you went, oh, that's a good idea. If he has a better idea I'll go and get silver for me in bronze for Matthew but I'll make him put it on without telling

him yeah the logic behind it so you pick and I thought until we were at the altar I thought it was gonna have to be a long con because I was like look you

paint yours gold right and I'll not paint mine you paint yours gold he'll see you painting yours he'll then want to paint his because he's a child and then when

you give him the bronze he'll just think that's gold yeah I'm just like it dries gold right didn't even have to do that I just had this

tutorial portion went and painted and Tony was just like aye alright straight in and it wasn't until we're there like all lined up with our feet going

yeah yeah Matty I've actually repainted mine I've still got mine on no mine's been on for three weeks now you can see the bottom of my nails starting to grow through it

what colour you got? it what colour have you got I stuck with silver have you got any remover no also the last time

I painted my toenails before this because I do this quite regularly that's a really cool one my cousin had

ones where it was it was purple but it was like heat activated so if you're in the shower

when have you ever gone oh yeah imagine if we went and I get cold feet oh no this isn't for me

just looking at me like oh I did I tried so many times during that wedding to absolutely fucking ruin it

and here were the many many ways I tried to ruin your wedding one anytime you were having I knew 95% of people at this wedding uh and then the 5% i didn't know because it was like a three four day

wedding i got to know them all it was like all of my friends it was absolutely amazing yeah so we were all in the same resort yeah we we were in the same hotel so all of the guests were just around the pool so everyone was mingling the day before the wedding the day of the wedding because the wedding didn't happen till five so everyone's was just hanging out, sunbathing. So you knew everybody by the time the wedding came. But any time you or Natalie were having a nice moment in public, right, and other people, it would just go up behind you,

just go, I don't know anyone. Introduce me. I don't like your social anxiety. And then Barry kept doing one where he just kept coming up this is just looking like this mask of

thunder just kind of bored I'm totally bored Barry Castanola this is shit what was the

other ways of trying to really win you stuck your middle finger up at the camera while the photos were being taken

while we were doing my vows and I clocked Natalie's like telling her vows to were being taken, while we were doing our vows. And I clocked in, like, Natalie's, like, telling her vows to me, and she's, like, nearly crying doing the vows, and I'm just, like, looking at her eyes. I just see you just move, like, the corner of my eye, as you just, like, bring a middle finger close to your chest,

like Ali G put his finger up at the cops. Which is still my favourite photo from the whole fucking wedding. And then there was that one as well, where there was, it wasn't, like, a break and play, but you found your moment, and just leaned across, give my wife, your hotel room key. No, no, no, that was it.

It was, because two of your friends, Ricketts, Craig, and Pippa, were doing the ceremony, because you're not religious, so,

Mattie, Natalie didn't have any bridesmaids, because she's got no friends, and she's hugely unpopular, and you had to have two best men but it sort of looked So you had one on each side

Yeah So I was like You had a flower crown on Yeah I had a flower crown on Your toes all did I love Natalie very dearly so I was like I'll happily stand on Natalie's side

because you know that's who I am That's where the money is I know which side my bread's buttered but I made sure that Craig and Pippa only ever referred to me as Netflix's Daniel Sloss

so during the ceremony they go, Matty if you could pass the ring over to Kai and then Matty passed you the ring and then if Netflix's Daniel Sloss could pass the ring to Natalie and then while handing over the ring in my right hand's Daniel Sloth could pass the ring to Natalie and then while handing over the ring in my right hand

I palmed in my room key and she kept trying to give it back and I kept being like room 142, it's not too late It turns out she had no pockets on her wedding dress, she just had to stand there for the rest of the ceremony with your room key

It was a funny movie as well. It was Ricketts who's now very confident, very funny, non-Muggle, funny, just an exceptional entertainer, but not a comedian. No. But always been an entertainer, all the time I've known him. But because he's about to

not perform as such, but I guess perform in front of like 80 people that you started with. Sometimes you forget that public speaking is the number one fear in the world. Yeah, it cripples people. Which blows our...

It's something we absolutely take for granted. Did you hear I had a chat with Dave Longley about the reason why? And we've come up with the... It's the amount of eyes on you. The amount of people watching you at Oh yeah. The amount of people watching you at once like is primal.

It triggers, it triggers that when we were middle of the food chain and used to be hunted before we developed tools. If there's that many eyes on you at once you've been caught.

Yeah. You're about to become food. So your animal instinct fight a flight kicks in and just floods you with like you're in danger chemicals. So all these, all these pussies

isn't their flights is what you're saying they're flighters yeah I know they just fucking kind of get a grip on it they're like oh there's chemicals running through me body and I'm like do the best math speech

being like oh no all these people are going to eat me I don't think you know what a wedding is they want cake they're going to eat you and there's cake so the other bits so yeah when Ricketts was getting nervous and all that the one cake that's going to be you on this cake so the other bits so yeah

when Rick Edgerton was getting nervous and all that I was weighing him up every time he was about to speak I was just like Rick Edgerton don't fuck this up man

it's been wet like right from every breath during the ceremony don't fuck this up man there was a bit just an hour before the ceremony because it was a beach wedding where it started raining

and everyone started getting worried apart from me who while it was a beach wedding where it started raining and everyone started getting worried apart from me who while it was raining ran around laughing proudly proclaiming if it rains at your fucking wedding I'm never going to stop laughing.

And then when people asked they were like it's still raining it's still raining I kept saying of course it's raining because two gays are getting married. And God is letting his stance be known.

Speaking of gays what should we do because we've not done a podcast since The Fringe and even then that was me Cody and Bart

we haven't done one the pair of us the very start of The Fringe we'd last done one big shout out to turns out there's a third gay Jonathan so for those

nude listeners we have two lovely fans in New York who are the gay Jonathans the reason they're called the gay Jonathans is because they're both called Jonathan

and they're both gay. And then during the Fringe, a third gay Jonathan turned up who's not in a relationship with the other two gay Jonathans. In a, Andrew Maxwell's son, Flynn,

was flyering for me and went, oh, there's this guy who listens to your podcast coming to the show. I flyered him. He's like,

I've already got tickets. I think you know his name. He's like, Jonathan. I was like, oh, that's one of the gay Jonathans, right?

So after the show, I'm hanging out with him and I just slipped in and asked him like how Jonathan was his name he's like Jonathan I think oh it's one of the gay Jonathans right so after the show I'm hanging out with him I just slipped in asked him like how Jonathan was doing he's like I'm fine and I'm like Jonathan do you not have a partner called Jonathan he was like I mean he said something along the lines of I'm not I'm narcissistic but not that much yeah I have a boyfriend with the same name well maybe he's not gay then maybe he's just a Jonathan no he was oh was he okay I mean he is and then he met me so he'll be listening to this now hopefully he was genuinely good fun

yeah he'd come into all the artist bars with us had a drink and stuff and hung out with Natalie and he was like it was awesome for him to meet Natalie because he'd heard so much

about her on the podcast that's just like quite enigmatic now can't call them that about the speeches Matty got like all the love right

all the love because like you're a comedian and he and also I as we well know I love playing up to the villain

yeah and you got booed because you kept plugging your Netflix deal just mid speech just mid speech and then

everyone started chanting Matty for Netflix no no no Andrew Maxwell started chanting Matty for Netflix and everyone

joined in when it finally died down where the bottle was and that was not Netflix it was Andrew

Maxwell the other one which I want to call everyone out of this wedding a fucking pussy because right

just back story here I've got no doubt that this is an awful joke before you ask not that one which one? I'll tell the story so I'm up there

with me with my notes oh yeah yeah I know which one you're not telling yeah so I'm up there with my notes and

uh well we're just a little fucking notebook and then halfway through i think my line was and if any of you fucking nerds think i'm going off notes here i'm not going off notes this is just a picture i've drawn of the wedding and i opened it up to realize that i had drawn a picture of the wedding and it was kai drawn very ugly with wonky eyes me drawn very sex with microphone ripping the gig. Matty crying because my best man's speech was better than his. Spider-Man because I'm really good at drawing Spider-Man. And then the final line was, and this is Natalie.

And I didn't have any brown pens, so she's white in this. And nobody fucking laughed until they looked to Natalie's mum. Oh, yeah. And she started laughing and then everyone else laughed. You're all a bunch of fucking cowards. Everyone checked Baja. Oh, yeah. And she started laughing and then everyone else laughed. You're all a bunch of fucking cowards. Everyone checked Baja. Oh, man. She was fucking adorable when she got up in the middle of my speech.

Just gave a crush on my speech to give us a hug. Oh, yeah. Everyone had a wee cry. I didn't. That was the one bit where before my speech I thought I'd fucked it.

How? I thought I'd spaffed it right because I started writing a speech about a week before the wedding like after the fringe you know that interim we had like 10 days

between the fringe it's always dangerous that because like you know if you write it too early the name of the bride might change and stuff like that

yeah and I might have a new best day of my life like it's the second best day of my life new Eminem album dropped it was fucking awesome

so I started writing this speech and it was fucking there was some funny lines in there I was writing essentially a fucking 5 to 10 minute bit new material topical based on the fucking event and you didn't have a work in progress to run through

and I didn't have anything to run through so essentially the exact same process you would have been going through. If writing your jokes, what do you want to talk about? These are the jokes I'm going to write. Set a punchline, a theme like,

and I was busy writing that. And then, huh? I did have the advantage if I got to practice mine in front, I practiced mine in front of my parents and then my mum threw her hands at one point said, no, no, please don't say that

no and I was like well that's in that's staying in so I was I just thought right I don't want to do this

it's my fucking wedding I don't want to be doing a gig I don't want to be stressed about memorising a fucking speech so what I want to do is I'll go up first

I think that's the usual role of a player that's how it was at the previous I've been best man for Sean and Can and when I did it for them they like got stood up thanked everybody and then passed it over that's how it was at the previous I've been best man for Sean and Can and when I did it for them they

like got stood up thanked everybody and then passed it over to me and like hands over to the best man

so I thought all I've got to do is I've got to tell Natalie I love her and this is what what Cody was saying about his is if you can't

on the spot come up with reasons why you love your wife you shouldn't be getting married I stuck with it that's fucking very valid and then I've got to thank Natalie's parents

a nice bit of sentiment towards my parents sweeping Jessie out of the whole of the room and all my friends and then hand it over to you and the punchlines are irrelevant

it's more about the sentiment that counts and I'm just going to wing it and that's what I thought was going to happen and then Matty gets up and fucking has a belt out

as a non-comedian doing public speaking for the first time. Quivering wreck, but... Quivering wreck. His hip's trembling. And he was amazing. I did a 10-minute Michael J. Fox speech. But I won everyone over. And like Muhammad Ali doing a grand opening

shaking Steve's arm with his bottom lip gun I was like it's not even that hot why are you using your paper as a fan it's like because you've got no fans in

hey so then oh is this fucking screen let's just come on so then then is this fucking screen come on so then then you get up

and fucking like just fucking have a magnificent set where it's like guys from everything from fucking laughter applause

booing chants like fucking everything like you just have the fucking room and then

making arcades of noises and I'm there going oh no I'm closing I was about to pass it over

to these cunts they're fucking stitched right up they're just going up and go and I just want to say thanks to all my friends for coming

goodnight I mean you did get up and you did go into the fucking crowd like a preacher I think I missed a little bit towards the end of your speech because I was like

it was basically a fucking roast of me for like 10 minutes, probably more, however long it lasted. That was exactly one of my lines in the speech was, ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the roast of Kai Humphries and by proxy, Natalie Lang, because what a fucking mistake she just made. Look at the fucking state of them. So the pair of you two

just fucking teed off on us and I was like, oh, I wasn't going to insult them. I was just going to leave them alone. Isn't it? And I do want to point this out now that it's been a couple of weeks and both me and Matt have recovered from it. We ripped the shit out of you

but they both said genuinely nice things. You on the other hand, there was no... I didn't even thank you. There was no carrot. You just got up, you bragged about how hot your wife was. You called us both pricks. And then you just said nice things about Natalie.

We were like, I mean, we said nice things about you. I mean, did you though? Aye. Oh, fucking, if you believe in that, you believe in homeopathy. Yeah. Matty just butchered us. Matty told them, because you went, oh, that was Matty's thing. Like, oh thing you're meant

to get up and roast your mates so I'm just going to do a few stories about him because he's

a fucking legend I'm going to tell some stories when he's a legend and he just told a fucking

bunch of stories that I come out looking terrible and go actually that's a bad example and then tell

another one where I come off bad and actually the more and more stories I tell the more I think he's

not that much of a legend that was pretty much his thing so I've gone up I think he's not that much of a legend. That was pretty much his thing. So I've gone on. I am looking forward to seeing the... Because it's all recorded, right? Yeah.

Aye, because I'm not going to lie, I was steaming drunk. Yeah. I was already drunk without a point because we'd gone... You'd bought us a lovely little... We put a mojito table on. Aye, you had a mojito table.

You'd also bought me and Matty our little hip flasks your little engraved hip flasks yeah see it was nice aye beforehand but not publicly when it counts

you know what there was a couple because I'd done it like fire from the hip like there was a couple of things where I walked away going oh now I could have thanked Pippa and Craig

for hosting the ceremony aye you know and thanked Pippa for teaching Ricketts how to read you know just a couple of things I could have slipped in but what was the but because know and thank Pippa for teaching Rickets how to read just a couple of things

I could have slipped in but what was the but because me and Matt he got your fucking little porcupine quills up so much I just came out I was just there

going oh fuck I haven't wrote anything to roast you back and I just I just got up and fucking take it off up the hip

came up and I said to you I said about your career is blown up but like you could have fast tracked it

by moving to London or moving to LA where people wanted to see you right but you fucking love your mother so much

that you can't move away from faith like you're 28 you can't move away from your mother's lap I was like you stop breastfeeding

at 6 you're going to be hungry again by 10 and then with Matty it was like well with Matty it was like well with Matty

it was about he's talking about my relationship and he's lost two houses to two different girls in the space of six years not even a fucking

monopoly game I was like in the time I've been with Natalie you've lost two houses to two girls and this is a genuine fact as well

podcast listeners lost two houses it wasn't in such recent years but in the last decade so if any of the single girls in the room want to get a house off Mattie just brush past him

at the bar and tag that on he's like a monopoly banger just the world's worst one and then a valid point I made as well is that it's like it had been a running theme

of the whole thing that I was punching that Natalie was far too attractive for me but like everybody's saying that like it's an insult that's winning

you misunderstood when we accused you of punching we were accusing you of punching her yeah fuck sorry about that and also sorry Natalie

if you're listening it was an intervention so I have a pretty prone girlfriend that bruises touch oh no that's where we lose It was an intervention. So I have a pretty prone girlfriend. The bruises touch. Oh, no. That's where we lose a lot of the listeners. And anyway, I punch her on the boobs,

so she can't shut down the bruises. No. I don't want that. It's not even... This is where we lost a lot of the new listeners. But they want the hardcore listeners Just where that's That's where boys

There they are There's the awful jokes that we tune in for And that's the important thing They are jokes Because podcasts can't pick up winks You can't tell that I've got my fingers crossed behind Checking this is recording Yeah, sounds like it's recording

Right Sorry about that There was a Fortunately For regular listeners You can't tell that I've got my fingers crossed behind me. Checking this is recording. Yeah, sounds like it's recording. Right, sorry about that. There was a, fortunately, for regular listeners, you'll understand how many times we lose podcasts. We caught that one. But we've had to edit this in. Also, the sound quality is poor. It's because we don't have an SD card,

so we're recording it on the Mac. It'll be better next time. But also, this is free content, so literally shove it up your fucking holes and once you've done that listen to the rest of it I just listen to it from here on in so

we've covered that I've got married and there's going to there's going to be way more on the wedding it's like impossible to cover it for a podcast

so over the next few episodes we'll keep bringing up anecdotes and stories and stuff but over to you during the wedding trip when we finished the wedding we went to and stories and stuff but over to you during the wedding trip when we finished the wedding we went to Ibiza, got the ferry over to Ibiza, spent the week

in Ibiza and during that week you had two Netflix specials air and instantly started going, you trended online and instantly started going kind of viral news story that you were breaking up couples far and wide yeah so I think the show Jigsaw,

both streaming on Netflix now, Jigsaw's now on 6,000 breakups, 34 divorces and 28 cancelled engagements. And the first of all I want to do is, because I know I've said this already, the amount of fucking people that are coming in, the news articles being like, this comedian claims this.

It goes, first of all, 6,000 is a very very conservative guess those are the ones that i'm able to fucking count out you've got to take into account the amount of people who i have broken up who don't have social media so can't tell me via that that they've broken out the partners those that have broken out with the partners because of my show and then don't want to give me credit for it because they don't want their partners to find out it was because of the show. And then, you know, people have been like, oh, there's some people... And also it's a slow burn.

So it's, you know, the jigsaw breakups from the tour were normally three or four months out. Can I just interject here? If anybody doesn't know which show we're talking about, you can go and do your homework. You can pause this podcast now. Go and watch Daniel's Netflix special,

which actually, because there's two, they're on like a season as if it's like a season of a show so you've got to click on his name Daniel Sloss and that'll drop down

and episode one is Dark which is the I'm not doing any spoilers but it's the death show and then the breakup show is episode two but they're not interlinked

so you don't need to watch one for two to work you can just go and watch episode two now which is Jigsaw and then work out how he's like find out how he's been breaking couples up but they're not interlinked, so you don't need to watch one for two at work. You can just go and watch episode two now, which is Jigsaw, and then work out how he's, like, find out how he's been breaking couples up.

But I also think, like, those are the ones I've been able to get in. The amount of people that, obviously, there are definite fucking fakes in there. Of course there are. I'm not an idiot. I reckon 6,000 is a very, very conservative. I reckon I'm at 30,000, if I'm being honest.

With the amount of people that have fucking watched it and I know from last year on tour from the messages I was getting whenever I was then in the room people coming up to me afterwards and saying I broke up with my partner but I never told you online just because it didn't fucking feel right

but now they were face to face those numbers were about roughly 5 times higher than my estimates in general so that's why I'm saying I reckon it's 30,000 I'm curious in the world yeah and as well not just that

single people love it Natalie's brother Alexander our flatmate Kat both watched it as single people in their 30s having a nice time and a good life

and not like pursuing the fucking template oh I need to get married and have a house and a kid and all that template life they've been living the philosophy that you've put out

for a while and just haven't validated like that and haven't gone oh yeah sweet. Yeah and also all the breakups are people in fucking largely toxic relationships like it's never ended a good one. If you're in a very happy relationship you can watch the show. Yeah like I tou you and um like worked on the show with you watched it about fucking 50 times saw in every stage of operation from writing and i'm far too

stupid to understand what you're talking about it was uh but the other thing i don't want to mention that i've had twice as many people saying you know ha ha ha ha you you know jigsaw didn't break me my partner up. If anything, it made us stronger. I know it's caused about 20 proposals already as well. Oh, Jesus Christ. Don't ever do that on the podcast again. Especially because we record this in an elevator.

You did that before. You farted in the elevator on the way up. And I was like, is this how we're doing the tour? But look, we've discussed this before. My farts, unlike your farts, don't smell. You think your shit doesn't stink?

It doesn't. Well, my shit does. And I'm not you. When I fart, I don't shit myself, but I can get on to it. Come a bit closer to the mic otherwise. Alright.

Alright, so now I'm famous. Had to go to LA. I'm friends with Ross from Friends now. Yeah, fucking up straight. You don't have to be swims. You can't just flippantly call them swims before. Hi, I'm friends with Ross from Friends now yeah fucking that was strange I don't have to Schwimms but you can't you just flippantly call them Schwimms

before Schwimms Schwimms did Texas so Schwimms just got in touch with you from the break up show

just now we were on a break the break up show fucking spoke to him and he came along to my show and probably went and had a few drinks

he's a cool guy yeah so he basically got in touch saying hey love your shows if you ever in LA give us a shout and you were like fucking

you flew to LA and went I'm in LA oh what a coincidence how did this possibly happen I have no idea so he was like a fucking bluff call.

And he went out, he'd come out and watched your show at the improv. Aye. Which means he watched, in the space of a week, he watched your two one-hour specials and then he'd come and watch, were you doing a one-hour show?

No, no, no. I thought it was a new show. So I was going to say, if he watched three hours of you in a week, that would be you and him on par with you watching him for three hours in a week. Because you have done some fucking serious binges on watching that.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Fucking friends and band of brothers. Oh, it's cool, dude. I also made friends with a guy called Matt Mercer. He's a voice actor. He also hosts like a fucking online Dungeons and Dragons show. Oh, somebody mentioned that to us.

Somebody, who was it? Fuck, it was recently. I feel bad about this someone just shit that was recently I feel bad for forgetting who it was

but just said Matt Mercer keeps retweeting Daniel and texting about him and mentioning him in his YouTube videos I didn't know who he was he was like he goes out with like

8 million people oh that's not Matt no no that's not Matt Mercer that's a guy called Philly D but yeah he's mentioned it also twice I've not met him though Matt Mercer and his wife are two amazing voice actors

who do like a bunch of computer games and stuff. So I went out and got drunk with them. I'm just living my best celebrity life now. Where did Trimmer come out to sing at the improv? He came with his friend who was the actor who plays Freddie Thorne in Peaky Blinders. You don't even watch Peaky Blinders, so you couldn't even get fucking... No, just my other new friend that I made, Stella Maeve,

who is an actress in Magicians. I'm just... I'm living my best life, mate. Just going over there. At one point, though, I didn't do... But you're not going to leave Faith because your mum's there? What a prick! What a prick! I live in Edinburgh. I know, butife because your mum's there? What a prick. What a prick. I live in Edinburgh. I know,

but just because your mum's in Fife, because obviously you're not going to live in Fife, but you're going to the nearest city that's worth living in. Well, no, just because Edinburgh's... Like, if your mum lived in Paisley,

you'd live in Glasgow. No. No. No, no, no. My heart's in Edinburgh. Like, I would consider going to LA and I'll probably have to go there for an extended period of time next year,

but it's just like, my stance has always been, I want to go back to mummy. No, I just look, nobody's going to bomb fucking, it's also not where I live, also my house is there, I don't want to fucking first of all, I'm not buying a house in LA since everything, America is a country that has never ever ever ever

read the fucking book The Three Little Pigs, right? Ever. America's never heard that book. Every time that they built fucking houses in fucking LA on a fault line that is a thousand years overdue for a massive work

earthquake and what did they build those houses out of? straw and wood like every time there's a lot of forest fires and sheds there's always fires

and then you just go no no no that's why I like about fucking because if you buy a house in Scotland it's going to be there in a thousand years

like I won't be there but it's still going to be standing on my cool fucking drawings on the wall whatever and also you've been to LA it's you know

nice but it's fucking soulless the weed would get me there I'd move to Denver but then again I've moved to London but I haven't done anything with London

really like career wise I don't do many gigs in London I don't go to many meetings I don't chase I just still spend, I don't go to many meetings, I don't chase, I just still spend the time on the road.

So like, if you're a touring comic, I think living anywhere is the fucking... I'll probably go for the American fucking next year, because I might not do the Fringe next year. Just because, well, fucking two reasons. One,

we're trying to tour at Exmoor, because obviously we want Netflix to eventually buy that, so we're going to tour it more. And you've Netflix to eventually buy that so we're going to tour it more and you've also got Now in the Bank you've got last year's show which could get recorded so if people are listening and be like how do you get more Netflix

my answer is literally just pester Netflix is all I can think I don't know if I'm allowed to say that but they're not going to listen to this fucking podcast so the show that you're doing now X this is the question you're getting sick of being asked is this the show you're doing on tour X, this is the question you're fucking... You're getting sick of being asked this question. Is this show you're doing on tour, X, the same show as Jigsaw and Dark?

No. All the shows that are named different things are different shows. Dark is different from Jigsaw. Jigsaw is different from... Mind you, if Netflix do pick up now, I'll probably change the name of that to something else. But I don't think I'll change the name of X.

No. But, I mean, that would be more likely probably change the name of that to something else just but I don't think I'll change the name of X no but I mean that would be more likely to change the name of X because it's called X because it's your 10th show so you should call it

IV if you put it on Netflix I'd just come out on a drip and claim to have cancer yeah I'm just going for the fucking sympathy vote

aye also apart from all my many many celebrity friends I'm just going for the fucking sympathy vote Aye Also But apart from all my Many many celebrity friends And my amazing Rich celebrity lifestyle That I now have I was accepted into the black community

Oh yeah You were going to tell us about this Earlier And then we're like Saving for the podcast I fucking hate that about this podcast It's not like Every time we go

And have like a conversation You're like Oh but that would be good on the podcast and then silence fuck the control press play so I was in New York last week

doing some fucking promo and doing some spots at the Comedy Cellar and then the place where I was staying the Airbnb was like right around

the corner from the Comedy Cellar so I just went to the bar beneath it just because I wanted some drinks it was after the show walked in and it was after the show walked in

and it was like my first ever experience of the Netflix effect like I walk in there and the guy that runs the bar goes are you Daniel Sloss and I'm like

there's no way that this has had this effect already he's a huge fan I was like for how long he was like two days

and I'm like amazing so I gave him three drinks off him and then a bunch of other people came and got photos and I'm like

fucking hell this has changed a bit like I've been recognised before three drinks off him and then a bunch of other people came and got photos and I'm like fucking hell this has changed a bit like I've been recognised before but never in America and never to that fucking degree and then there was

three black guys there so I'm just sitting down and they're like who the fuck are you and I'm like so they saw you getting attention in their leg

so just during that so I'm just trying to not let my ignorance show and also not do the typical white question white thing of getting drunk

and then be like I've spoken to you for 30 minutes and now I have questions about what it's like being you and your culture and what not

but they were just like straight away they would immediately ask me questions about fucking Scotland and what not so we had a bunch

of chats one of them works for fucking TSA so I was like how easy is it to smuggle drugs through TSA and he was like none easy is it to smuggle drugs through TSA and he was like

none of us are looking do what you want none of us give a shit oh so he worked there yeah yeah he was just like if he was

like look if the feds fucking find you right but the actual security all we're doing is looking for bombs and weapons like yeah like I've

found drugs on people before and me personally I'll allow it to go through because I don't give a shit if it's fucking thing but you might

get the occasion. You know, Jobs, right? Well, yeah. He was like, honkies will snitch, right? Which made me laugh so much at the time. So I'm just sitting there. Is that his way? Yeah.

He's like, I won't, but honkies will snitch. And I'm like, I can't believe I'm having this conversation. You've been profiled. So I'm sitting there and we're getting drunker and drunker and drunker and drunker. so I'm sitting there and we're getting drunker and drunker and drunker and drunker and obviously I'm not I'm cool to me and I'm cool to you but to some other people I'm not

cool and to those other people are normally the black people, I'm not I'm a pasty white boy from Scotland right, so I'm sitting there right and at one point, you know my favourite magic trick right, oh where you do the middle finger, yeah, I put a penny down on the table, I get a napkin, I get them and at one point you know my favourite magic trick right oh where you do the middle finger

yeah I put a penny down on the table I get a napkin I get them to pick up the penny with the napkin over it put it in my hand

I make them think I'm doing a magic trick I blow on the thing I lift the napkin up the coin's in my hand but I'm just giving them the finger it's just a fuck you

for believing in magic but the longer you build that up the funnier it lands and it turns out it's hacking the magician community you've done it

to Kerry Marks who used to be a magician by trade. And he was like, oh, it's not the middle finger one, is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone does this. So it's a hack trick, right? So I go to the guys,

and I was like, so it's it. And I'm, by the way, for this hour, I've been cool, right? I've been dead, I've not fucking put my foot in anything.

I'm really nailing it, right? We're having chats, I'm buying them drinks, we're doing fucking shots together, right? We're really getting on. I'm not, not you know i'm living my best life right and then i went you've been such a muggle with that shit like even muggles use it ironically you know that right then uh when you say live my best life yolo right you're like even if you do it ironically you're still part of the problem yeah it's uh it was the second to muggle yeah so i'm sitting there and at one point, I went,

hey, do you guys like magic? And the guy went, did you literally just ask a black man if he likes magic? And I went, oh, no. Not even black magic? I made that joke. He laughed. Yeah. So I was like, fuck.

He was like, I'm absolutely fucking with you. Of course I like magic. I was like, do you want to see a fucking with you of course I like magic I was like do you want to see a magic trick he's like absolutely so we end up doing that magic trick

to them right yeah to the middle figure right they fucking lose their minds and you just start kicking off

what and then and then because I've still got the napkin and then as a joke I'm like do you want to see

another magic trick can I do that thing where I can you know I can turn a napkin into a rose right so in front of the three black guys I'm just like do you want to see do you want to see another magic trick and I do that thing where I can turn a napkin into a rose so in front of the three black guys

I'm just like do you want to see another magic trick and halfway through I'm like this isn't a magic trick this is just origami I'm making a

I'm making a I'm making a quick make it disappear so I start making this flower and the barman the bar person who I drank with the night before she was just looking at me and rolling her eyes being like you're the bar person who I drank with the night before she

was just looking at me and rolling her eyes being like you're the least cool person I've ever met in my life and I fucking shit

you not I finished making the rose and all three of them go oh fuck can you teach us how to do that so at

2am in the morning after fucking Jenga bombs I'm just holding this fucking weird little origami class in New York for these after fucking Jenga bombs, I'm just holding this fucking weird little origami class.

In New York, with these fucking three guys, and I'm just, I'll tell you what, they can't do origami, and not the royal they, that wasn't like a blanket, that wasn't like a blanket,

that wasn't like a, they can't do origami, I meant these three, these three couldn't do origami. That'd be a weird way of saying it. Oh, them they can't do origami. I meant these three. These three couldn't do origami. That'd be a weird reason. Oh, them lot can't do origami for shit. Oh, my God. A recent funny story I've got to tell, right,

was me and Rick, it's Went for a Run, when I was in Liverpool, stayed at his. Went for a run just around the park next to his, Sefton Park. Seft to here, Sefton Park, Sefton Park? Sefton Park. So we're running around the green, and we noticed within the green,

so we're just running the outskirts of it, by the road, right? And within the green, there's one of these colour me rad, fun runs, where people are wearing white shorts, white t-shirts, and they're fucking running through, and there's like volunteers,

with like cups of like coloured powder, just like blue and purple, and like red flower at them and stuff and then they're coming out the other end like all fucking colorful well i think we've put it muggle corner before right uh so we stopped and we're like oh should we run through like should we run through and get colored up you know like oh but we haven't got our fucking phones or anything so we can't even put on instagram we'd literally just be doing it for the laugh and i'm like oh but come on that's maybe a bit

more important and he was like yeah but it's a charity event we'll have to at least make a donation and all that so we ended up like over talking

it to the point it wouldn't even be funny anymore because we've overthought it right we kept on running and then as we get around the next corner

and get to the next station where they're running through just this bloke having a jog who didn't realise what he ran into he ran through the club thing. He's just in his fucking Nike shorts

and underarm, a t-shirt, just fucking trying to beat his pee pee around the park. And, mate, he just got fucking pied by a bunch of volunteers. And he come to the other side

and he stopped and he just looked around for some appeal and the only people that he could see to look at, like, oh, fucking what's just happened was me and Ricketts, and we were fucking dying.

And then he couldn't stand up for laughing, and his bloke just got proper fucked. And he just had to go, oh, well, just carry on and run him. So, just to follow your straight of thought, I finished my story, and he went, speaking of colours... LAUGHTER Is that what just happened? happened i mean it sounds like it speaking of different colors i mean that's how it looks i mean that's how it looks

but we train a thought actually daniel was um i don't know now we train a thought it was you know when you stop to go you went to tell us a story and then you stop because you thought I'll tell them the podcast that was one of the stories

I wanted to tell you so I was like oh well we're thinking bookmarked stories I'll take that but I fucking hell I lied myself

into that one didn't I what we'll do now is we will do can we just as well just mention Muggles to the new listeners yeah okay

so on the podcast we do basically a bunch of regular games which if you continue listening you'll find out one of the regular ones is Muggle Corner Muggle is obviously

a term used in the Harry Potter universe for people who lack magic it's a term that me and Kai and our listeners now use for people in everyday life who lack magic

they're not mean people they're not malicious people necessarily they just do colour fun runs and shit like that yeah the people muggles queue for

the famous one is always muggles queue for the airplane while boarding even though when the gate isn't open yet the gate's not open you've got designated seats

there's only queue muggles have love laugh live signs or tattoos you made me laugh on a R.E. Shafir's podcast when you were talking about would you do cannibalism and he tried to package different ways of doing cannibalism right and he had one of them

was like fine dining and it's like in Cambodia and that's the culture and the criminals and stuff like that and you ended up just going ah you only live once and I just went you're the only excuse for cannibalism you didn't even reference that it happened

you just went I only live once and just moved on from it if you only live once you only talk about it I'm going to eat your fucking body

so we did the last two seasons done like regular games which was Muggle Corner and the dad jokes and we also put in like newphemisms there was a handful

of other games that like ended up falling out of rotation because we were stuck on Muggle Corners so we're going to try and rotate stuff a bit more instead of just doing muggle corners on each one and i know we've got time times against us for getting to the gig but like they do one um i'll explain it right so basically obviously uh since the netflix specials streaming worldwide and all good toy stores have come out and some people seem

to be under the illusion that i am some sort of relationship guru and that's because obviously they haven't listened to this podcast all the time they haven't spoken to me in real life and because uh netflix specials are you know they're designed to be good i was i was trying to do my best fucking show i can come across as highly intelligent and deep and whatnot and in order to prove that we've basically set up an agony ad type account where just to prove how bad we are at advice

you can send in your love life problems and we will give you the world's worst fucking advice towards it so we're just going to do one now because we've got a gig

to get to we're at the first day of the tour we're in Ljubljana we're getting picked up in like 30 minutes so we still need to get ready and shit

so we'll do one now but if you want to ask for relationship advice you know what any questions any agony and like stale questions

that you want our advice on a situation you're having an argument with someone and you want some resolution or just a second opinion you can email mugginsandcream

that's mugginsandcream all one word M U as if you put spaces in an email M U muggins and cream all one word M-U as if you put spaces in a name you'll see M-U-G-G-I-N-S and C-R-E-A-M

at gmail.com and yeah and we've also got a Facebook page Sloss and Humphries on the road which is the name

of this podcast and we're going to just put regular content out on there as well so do you want to read it out since you've got your glasses on

hi guys I have a relationship question and I'd love to get your thoughts on this one I will not read out their names just in case as a woman I really enjoy sex

like I've been pretty wild and free with it over the years good for you I've had a few serious relationships, but I've also definitely had fun too, to say the fucking least. Good girl.

It's not like I'm the village bicycle or anything, but I genuinely enjoy hooking up with them and not chasing a husband to jam in my jigsaw. Here's my question. When I do meet a guy I want to commit to, I worry about being judged for my sex campaigns. I've most recently downplayed them in the past with my exes because I just don't want to unfairly be labelled a slut.

But it's annoying to have to hide apart who I am, especially since some of my stories are honestly fucking hilarious. What's your advice on this? Do you guys secretly judge a woman for her sexual past? Even if they say they don't, how open should I be? Super curious. Also, I love your show. I'm American.

I fully understand Kai because he sounds like just from the cast of Jory's show. Excellent. Okay. That is not a compliment. Thanks for reading this and please don't slut shame me. Well, first things first. As I've always said

about slut shaming, right? You can only slut shame me if I'm ashamed of being a slut and I fucking ain't. Yeah. I'm proud of sluts. Man, and sluts,

sluts is a term for me. Sluts are genuinely fucking gender neutral term. I call everyone sluts. I call my mother a slut and that's because she is a slut. But there's no shame in that. I hear the word. I don't even hear negative connotations when I hear it anymore I feel like that word's been rebranded

I hear fun, love and good time like it's this is, because it's social expectations isn't it, like it's been covered a million times in comedy so I'm not treading on it but men don't get labelled sluts for their escapades but women do and they get labelled it negatively

yet they're going look I want to have the same fun as these dudes are having right and despite what society thinks I'm going to go out and have

that fun anyway so when they just do that when they go fucking public opinion I'm going to have the fun I want to live my best life

and that involves getting a smorgasbord of sausage yeah a charcuterie board of cant like that's the way I've lived if that enjoys just being and that involves as much getting a smorgasbord of sausage yeah get it a charcuterie board of cunt like that's the way

I've lived but I to answer your question I think yeah I think some people will judge you for that but those are

those are people first of all you don't want them in your life you don't want to be in a fucking relationship with them because

I'm a jealous dude jealous of things that happened before you met like fuck that prick any my stance with relationships is anything I did

before I met you doesn't fucking count because I was not aware of your existence you could not hold any of it against me because I wasn't making any decisions with you

in mind because you were not yeah those girls were 14 they were bleeding what am I doing I mean there's some things yeah crimes yeah crimes of course yeah you can't it's not like look I murdered bleeding what am I doing I mean there's some things yeah

crimes yeah crimes of course yeah you can't it's not like look I murdered her before I met you

yeah Jesus Christ people change so you don't want those people in your life also I've loved

my heart being on my sleeve from like is it hot on my sleeve is that what you say about like like anything that like if stories come up on this podcast about my sexual past right and natalie listens to the podcast none of them are going to come by surprise because i never try to cover up

i never try to like oh i'll i'll i'll give them i'll give her a little bit of me and then filter through my past and hopefully she'll accept it then. I'm just like, ah this is who I am and what I've done and where I've been and there's nothing I'll say in front of my friends that'll not be said in front of her. Yeah, yeah. Oh god, don't mention that. That happened in fucking 2010. If you're honest all the time, nobody can

accuse you of being a liar and then you're absolutely fucking safe. Also, and this goes for whatever sexual preference you are, what fucking gender you are, if you're in a relationship a relationship with someone right who and you talk about your sexual history they seem to get a bit weirded out bear in mind they can't suck dick for shit and they suck at eating pussy and like if you if you're going out with a guy and right and they're like how many people have you slept with and you're like i don't know about a hundred and something and they're like oh my god right and you're like how many have you slept with and they're like only two

that cunt cannot eat pussy for shit like you like fucking when you you'll know as an artist and I'm not calling myself

an artist for eating pussy but I also am right you don't commission a fucking artist who's only done two fucking Microsoft paint drawings

you go to the guy who's like just because you want the exclusive bit of art and nobody else has got art from that artist makes absolutely no sense like I hope

that my future wife wherever she is right now I hope she's getting ploughed to shit and I hope she's having the time of her life because one I think the number one

causes of breakups is curiosity I think it's people that get in relationships too early and then what happens they have a resentment yeah

they have a resentment because they haven't got it out of their system they haven't so they get into their 30s and because they've been with this person for 10 years, they think to themselves, oh my God,

what would it be like if I was single? And the reality is, it might not be as good as that relationship, but you don't know. The curiosity becomes a weight and it causes you to... Whereas if you just go around and you... That's the reason I know

I'm going to be a good husband or a father one day. Record that. Famous last words. It's because I'm getting it all out of my system now. I always quote my friend Milo on this. Now, Milo's a very, very attractive man. Like a classic attractor. He's like a drawing of an attractive person.

Yeah, yeah. It's almost propaganda. He's very happily married with two wonderful children who are both my goddaughters. I have seen Milo be chatted up by... Did you just, like, add yourself a goddaughter?

Only one of them is your goddaughter? No, no, no. There's his other one. And Ava's only my official fucking goddaughter, but Ine allows me so much that she was like...

She was... I'm not... You're unofficial. Yeah, unofficial. You're a fairy godfather. Yeah, fairy godfather. But there's only one that admires him.

But Milo, I've seen himo I've seen him and this is when he's drunk when he's steaming when he's out with us on the fucking sets I've seen countless beautiful women

approach him and chat to him and he's nice and he's civil but he always I've never seen friendly yeah friendly this is friendly

when he's been hit on I've never seen him cave and one time I was like how do you he's such a flapties I was like how do you not cheat like not that I think but how do you... You're such a flappetease. I was like, how do you not cheat? Like, not that I think you would,

but how do you not? He goes, and his answer is always, I know how that ends. I go home with that person, we might have some okay sex, and then the next morning, my whole life ruined.

Whereas if I don't, if I just go home with you guys, I get to go home to my wife and kids. He's got no curiosity. Wait for her to go to sleep, sneak into the bathroom, pull his spine out. So I honestly think

I would thoroughly recommend being a slut. A safe slut. Wear protection. Fucking make sure. Get checked regularly when needed. Yeah.

You know, be fucking civil. Always ask for fucking consent. All the typical things. But absolutely fucking slut up. And if anyone makes you ashamed of being a slut,

understand it's not you they're ashamed they're projecting experience if you're right about experience it's a good thing to find a partner when I first started going out with Ali there's some things she did in the bedroom

where I didn't think oh she just took a punt on that first time oh fucking first time lucky you know I'm like oh someone got practice done lucky them

I think yeah I would yeah I would because I would also worry that if I was in it and this again everything on this podcast is just as personally

these are just an opinion none of this is gospel we are not we are not we're not qualified to talk about it that's the whole point in this section

we're going to get it wrong yeah we're going to get it wrong but you might agree with this you know whatever you choose to do man if I was going out with someone and they had a fucking

slutty class and I happen out with people with slutty class i find it great because you're just like because then they're more open to shit like you look sex is the funnest thing in the fucking world right and the reason it becomes funner with a partner who you have sex with regularly whether you're in a relationship with them or you found someone cool you should have a regular fuck buddy thing is it's you know you trust each other right you trust each other you trust that each other's fucking safe

and also that like I've never done this thing before but you're into it and I'm willing to try it but I'm not willing to I remember the first time a girl asked me to choke her

that was a my mum raised me too well for that yeah I don't know I think because I like I'd be pretty much fucking open to anything you know

if Natalie just landed something on it's like fucking obscure right shit on my chest oh like like I'd be pretty much fucking open to anything if Natalie just landed something on us fucking obscure shit on my chest I'd rather not vows are vows I'd shit on my baby's chest if she wanted to shit on her chest please in that context don't call her your baby

because out of context Rich Sarah's just going to make a new season 3 intro shit on my baby's chest it's going to be the new no you said it it's going to be the new

where have you been since 9-11 I'll tell you where I've been since 9-11 plug in my two Netflix specials streaming for Upright two of them on 9-11 I'll tell you where I've been since 9-11 playing my two Netflix specials streaming for Off-White two of them on 9-11 so yeah

there's not much I wouldn't be but I just I wouldn't be cool with hurting her I've never I've not I've never

hit a girl and sometimes I have to just slap them I'm like I can't do it I can't hit

but then I couldn't hit a bloke aye but that's just like ability that's nothing to do with your

conscience aye with the slight shaming thing look you can only be slut shamed if you're ashamed that's what I

found with that's what I said about body shaming it's like when you're getting good shame

people feel like they need to put you down because they feel like you're above your station so they'll body shame you and you're like you can't shame me people feel like they need to put you down because they feel like you're above your station

so they'll body shame you and you're like you can't shame me when I'm not ashamed of my class there's nothing you can do shame only exists if you allow it to exist

yes alright speaking of shame we've got to go on this is a I think a bit of a short podcast but welcome to it and welcome back to all of our regular listeners

before we get into it's back regular again it will be on Thursdays and Mondays Thursdays and Mondays we Thursdays and Mondays. We're going to be, yeah. So, I don't know which of these are sold out.

You can work them out yourself, you lazy cunts. On Monday, the 1st of October, we're in Riga at the Cinema Splendid Palace. Tuesday, the 2nd of October, we are in Oslo

at Chat Noir. Wednesday, 3rd of October, we're at Stavanger. Stavanger? Stavanger. Stavanger? Stavanger Stavanger Stavanger at the Holt Hall

Thursday we're in Bergen at Rick's Theatre little tour in Norway there Friday Stockholm at Scala T oh he gives a shit

Google it and then tune in to the next podcast for the rest of the week yeah yeah yeah but we are on or go to www.danielsluss.com

and the full schedule is on there I've just even though Danny's all over Netflix I've just released my new special which was

professionally recorded by Barry Castagnola and his crew which they've done it they've nailed it they've nailed the production of it man

it's such a such a good good edit it's the show I did about the boxing event where I've had a fight against my

brother to raise money to rescue young Cian Musgrove and it's the story of did about the boxing event where I've had a fight against my brother to raise money to rescue young Cian Musgrove. It's the story of mine and my brother's upbringing. I think that's the screensaver going on. I think that's what cuts it off when it cut off before. It's my best work. It's available on my website,

www.kaihunfries.com forward slash shop. www.kaihunfries.com forward slash forward slash shop www.kaihunfries forward slash shop and use the discount code

muggins and you get a couple of quid off and that's muggins with two G's one in the middle one left of the middle M and S

as a bookend M U G G I N S there was like muggins with two G's one in the middle one left of centre M and S

as bookends you and I aren't together fuck off and there's an N in there somewhere at the end of N right

and also speaking of that we finally we didn't get the shirts made but we have had badges made we've got badges we've got badges made

so we've got too many of them please buy all of them way too many even the fact that this podcast only has 1200 listeners Kai bought

400 badges each so we'll be selling them for whatever whatever a pound is whatever a pound a pound, a euro whether it be a pound or a euro

wherever we are come up you can only buy one of each one says Team Muggins and one says Team Cream. We are not allowed to plug these ourselves, I think.

I think the way to do it, right, is if people want one each, they have to buy an odd number. They can't buy, they can't, so if they want one of each,

they have to buy two of another one because that's the only way the competition would go head to head. So if you want to buy two, you've got to buy three and offset one of them you've

got to pick a side and we'll and we'll find out because this will be a good thing we can do because we're not going to sell out these on this tour every tour we could do i have a new competition to see who the most popular that season is yeah and uh and this is um this is the rule is that whatever money we get from them because we've i mean we've paid for them already so we're like instead of redeeming that back and putting it back in the bank, we are going to spend whatever we make in that venue on booze that

night. So whoever buys us the most, I mean, this is the thing, if we sell loads and we're like, fuck, we're going to have a mad sesh, we'll just buy a nice cocktail. But we will drink that money that night yeah

just so you think that we're not being fucking assholes so it's up to you and your city how drunk we get yeah and for those

first time listeners we always end the podcast with your dad jokes because we think your mum jokes are derogatory derogatory sexist

bigoted body shaming and what not and they are and that's why they're funny but we're just thinking it's your dad's turn yeah yeah yeah

look it's 2018 dads can be shit too alright Kai your dad pickles vegetables with his breath what the fuck did you just call me

Kai's other nickname apart from maggots is Pickles it's not it's not your fucking shit cunt goddaughter

your fucking cunt arsehole of a fucking four year old goddaughter you have to think about your kid who started

pointing at us and called us Pickles I was like fuck off go Pickles so you can buy team

pickles badges I have people on twitter that start calling us pickles anyway read it again

yours again your dad pickles vegetables with his breath he does if you blow a kiss to your dad he'll turn

around and try and outrun it your dad's middle name is Annabelle your dad's taught himself is Annabelle. Your dad's taught himself how to hold his breath for ages so that he can give people fish pedicures.

Whenever your dad drops your name in conversation, he immediately follows it with, no relation. Your dad's Facebook photos have given the moderate. That's PTSD. Whenever your dad spills a drop of wine, he throws the bottle over his shoulder for good luck. Your dad called the police

because somebody sat in at Greg's, but they'd only paid a takeaway price for a pasty. Your dad says nipples with a lisp. Nipples. Nipples. I just realised as well, Americans, Greggs is a big ass. My nipples. But he doesn't have a lisp.

My nipples are chafed. Yeah, it's just a quirk that he has. Your dad... Sorry, mate. Your dad fetches the newspaper for his dog. Your dad says what? What? Dad? Dad?

What? Dad? What? Your dad has a mom bod. Your dad makes his own vape juice. And by that, I mean he comes in his vape. Your dad calls shotgun when the limo pulls up. Your dad believes in monsters

so he makes sure that his arms and legs are under the covers at all times when he's sleeping. But he also believes in burglars so he leaves his arse out. arse out your dad does tumble turns in the bath push and glide

your dad is so cheap he went trick or treating as an emoji and just made faces at people the ladder fell while your dad was getting the moss out of the gutters went trick or treating as an emoji and just made faces at people. The lad I fell while your dad was getting the moss out of the gutters and he's been up there for six hours now

and he's already eaten all of the moss in an act of survival. Your dad's motto is, your ass is grass and I'm going to mow it. Your dad combs his teeth. And I'm outie. Lots of fun. mow it. Your dad combs his teeth. And I'm outie. Oh, lots of fun. Anyway,

we'll be back on Thursday. Bye. Bye, my show from my website and watch that between now and Thursday. That's what you can do. That's your homework. Cream out.

Muggins out. Fucking pickles out forever. Stop that. But they were real cool about it. They weren't decks. But they were like, about it they weren't they weren't dicks but they were like let's find out who this guy is

he's clearly he's clearly got something going on they were like hey man how you doing and I was like hey and they were like

what do you do when they recognise you I was like I've got these Netflix specials I'm a comedian so I ended up drinking with them

for like fucking three hours now being a white person from Scotland there is not a large black community in Scotland right and if there is I a large black community in Scotland, right?

And if there is, I haven't found them yet. Or more likely, they know where I am and they're avoiding me. I mean, I married the whole ethnic community and took out of London. Yeah, yeah, the whole Scottish non-white community. So I don't have too much fucking experience. And I'm always, it's one of the bits I always say, I've got positive, positive ignorance. Like, you'll never convince me that black people aren't cool yeah like and that's a racist it's arguably it's not racist but it's even like church in my back and let's

I don't know why they're behind my back like I'm hiding that that joke's from Daniel oh he thinks I'm being serious