Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 3.10 I swear

Episode Date: November 1, 2018

Signing off the last day of the European tour, even though the UK leg is still to come and technically in Europe... it's the last day of the European tour. Keeping it short due to an early flight home Muggins and Cream still manage to fit in more people who need to end themselves than a regular full hour episode and discuss the horrendous jokes said in group WhatsApp conversations that could end most people with any chat. Warning: Some strong language and choice words. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Awww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

Hello, it's me, Kai Humphries, aka Muggins, and I'm here with Daniel Sloss, aka the pincer. I mean... Robin Hood pincer thieves. No, I mean, you can try and turn this around. I mean, it was a desperate stretch. It was a desperate stretch. Matty's the pincer.

Well, you're the pincer, but you passed it on to Matthew Because the way Humphrey's logic works No he'll go again I mean you didn't start Boring You started

You can't clear his points I'm doing a bit Welcome to the quiet podcast Because We're on a boat We're on a boat We don't know where to wake the fishes Boats and bros

I like that Because... We're on a boat. We're on a boat. We don't know where to wake the fishes. Boats and bros. I like that. It's the nicest thing you've ever said to us. Am I your bro? Well... I don't know. I don't mean it. I was calling you my sister, but she's dead. Why are you laughing?

What? I don't miss her that much. It started as the podcast started we're not even high for this one no but I tell you I tell you what my favourite I'm high on life I don't need drugs

oh fucking kill yourself that's a muggle corner isn't it I've seen have we put that muggle corner on now no it should be though it should be see cunts that are high on life

I'm high on life if you're high on life could you please get high on heroin and then fucking die and I mean that sincerely anyone that's high on life can I remember very vividly

so it's to me like your sister was high on life and heroin so we killed her oh no I'll say that first the one thing I love about the high podcast we do is every time we do a high podcast my mother messages me

the next day and goes I didn't do this and I'm like what are you referencing and she's like on the podcast yesterday you say I do this

and I'm like mum one I don't listen back to the podcast two I'm high I'm barely in the podcast

yeah there is a lot of times actually where people mention things that are said in the podcast now and then. I'm like, why? In public?

It's the problem with the world we live in. You know what's happened now, which really sucks the world? People hold you accountable to things you said. I say so much. We live in a world now where for some reason apparently everything that comes out of your mouth, you've got to believe 100% sincerely and you've got to stand by the rest of your life.

Like, man, sometimes I have opinions just to piss off people. Sometimes I just say things because they pop into my head and I'm not even sure of their opinion. I'm just like, all right, that sounds right. I'll say that now. And then in three years time, people are like, but you said this. I'm like, aye. And sometimes I three years time, people are like, but you said this. I'm like, all right. And sometimes I tell stories completely differently depending on the audience.

I'm much like the Prince of Story. What? You just make it up depending on who you want the audience to hear and what narrative you want to pitch. Because... Has Matty hired you? No, I'm just...

Just to fill everybody in that doesn't listen regularly to the podcast. My mate Matty. Allegedly. Allegedly, he's me mate. Me mate Matty, pinster titty. Like, the girl

gave me and him permission to feel a boob each. This was like back when early 20s. The 1920s. Nearly 100 years ago well vampires what I'm trying to tell you

yeah well so I'd done the natural grab palm open palm open palm open palm grab with a titty grab with a titty

like a fool like what you want to do when you grab a titty you want to get the nipple not necessarily the centre of the palm but just on your life line alright but you that's muggle shit now and then you do your palms but you want to get the nipple not necessarily the centre of the palm but just on your life lane alright but you that's muggle shit now

and then your palms but you want to make sure like you don't want to neglect any of the titty you don't ever all the titty's good like obviously

the nipple's a good bit but you don't want like but there's a bra on it top of it but if there's no titty it's just a bloke nipple isn't it but you wouldn't even

pin the nipple even if you were like ooh that's the best bit you wouldn't be like picking a cherry off a tree do you never try and tune into radio stations I think I'm like

going to listen to a police scanner trying to monitor police activity so I can do vigilante fucking crime fight yeah it turns out

I'm doing one of the crimes yeah they've called a helicopter the guy that when Leicester died didn't oh man I'm a WhatsApp joke

I'm a WhatsApp group because I mean I don't need I don't need to put caveats on this on my podcast

it's a fucking tragedy what happened but in a closed group man the guy was a fucking dude the guy he cared about the community

he took Leicester to one of the most I would say I mean he achieved the guy was a fucking dude. The guy cared about the community. He took Leicester to one of the most... I would say... I mean, he achieved the impossible. He achieved the... Cut out briefly there. He took Leicester, made them achieve an impossible dream. We should not have to put caveats

when we make jokes about things, but unfortunately, we live in a world now where people think that when you make jokes about something that you're not taking it seriously, which I would argue is categorically not true. When you make jokes about something that you're not taking it seriously which I would argue is categorically not true when you make jokes about something it's to

it's like bleeding a radiator right you've just got to if you just let all that fucking sadness and all that fucking hatred of what's unfair in the world the unfairness of mortality build up inside you you're going to at least in a bad way what jokes are is they're just

little moments of fucking respite relief just like you disconnect yourself from the reality of it you turn you turn something that's a very real life

thing into a bit that you that you hang jokes to because it's a formula it provides you with a formula to tell jokes it's something

that you can all join in on and it doesn't take away from the fact that you're human no because eventually the thing is is unlike grief i would say that jokes a lot of the time run out right it's not

if you and i are grieving it's not like if we grieve for five minutes we're like well all our grief's over my dad just died but i grieved about it for five minutes now i can go back to me yeah that's something that you just live with yeah i think it's the opposite is you go I'm going to joke about it for five minutes and I will run out of jokes because you know what it's only only certain bits it's not continuously funny and if you're in a closed whatsapp group with close friends then you can do them jokes without the judgment of others yeah so it was funny when we're talking about fucking hell have you seen what happened at Leicester and then someone posted a news story and said Kasper Schmeichel was the first person to turn up at the scene

and I was like and even he couldn't save him it's a fucking funny joke it's a funny joke at the moment but if you were to tweet that if you were to oh nah nah

talk about it on a podcast man well no I mean podcast listeners but out of context and the thing it's always out of context they go

out of context it's brutal and you go everything out of context is brutal like one of the jokes I made was like, look, the guy was one of the, I would argue he's one of the best managers

that's ever been in the fact of what he could do. The owner. The owner, yeah. One of the ones that, what he did to the community and what he did for Leicester. And obviously he's got a lot of big fans and it's very ironic that he was killed by one.

Because the helicopter propeller is essentially a big fan. And don't get me wrong, if you... You're given a formula. Like, manager of a club, helicopter, big fan, and they're the components

that you can deal with. And yes, when you think about it, reality, what's happening, it's fucking horrendous. But when you think about it, these are the components

for the formula of a joke, which is why there's always a spate. Like when fucking Michael Jackson died, there's a spate of jokes based on the formula of the way he is why there's always a spate like when fucking Michael Jackson died there's a spate of jokes based on the formula of the way he lived his life and people get upset because if you were to take

the two jokes we've just did there and you were to just print them a fucking and you go that's not funny and you go of course that's not funny

because those jokes we did there they were funny because the fire hadn't been put out like it was fucking but if you sit those are funny when they're flippant comments

like you have to the amount of times jokes they go let's analyse this like why are you analysing a flippant comment I made

I made a flippant comment and you know what sometimes I absolutely misjudge it but when you scrutinise it of course it's not funny because you're scrutinising the joke I made

in two seconds you're scrutinising it for three weeks like of course you're going to fucking find holes in it. Like, it makes no sense to be like, so what do you mean by that? Well, I just meant that helicopters have big fans and that's a play on the word fan.

And it was killed by a big helicopter. Look, it wasn't worth it. I wish I hadn't spoken. You know what? Now that you've fucking dissected it, yeah, you know what? It's not that funny. But it's your fault for dissecting that.

Like, I don't have to explain my fucking jokes to you what should happen is if I make a joke you either don't laugh at it or you do laugh at it now if you do laugh at it we move on to the next joke

and we keep the banter going or normally if you're a decent person you don't laugh at the joke I see you not laughing at the joke and I'm like you know what

we can't be friends I know I know but I'm just like too close to home for you not your type of humour but there's a third type of cunt and this type of cunt... Self-righteous.

Self-righteous cunt. They hear that joke, they go, I didn't like that. You know what? Have some respect, guys. I'm going to make you feel bad. I'm sat...

No, no. I'm sat in a group where I was the only person that didn't enjoy that joke but three people did. I bet there are more people like me who also wouldn't enjoy that joke. but three people did, I bet there are more people like me who also wouldn't enjoy that joke. So what I'm going to do

is I'm going to make this private joke public and make sure that people who don't know these other people also don't know. I'm right. Lots of people don't enjoy this joke. And from the bottom of my heart, and this might sound like a joke, but I mean it, kill yourself.

Like, you're not made for this world if you can't take this shit on the chin because like I feel like everybody everybody is in whatsapp groups that if leaked would destroy them because there's enough

muggle self-righteous fucking cunts that would get all la-di-da about your banter that would just be like oh my god I can't believe he said that

I can't believe that's his opinion hang him you should be like hang you know you just think the world should just be

a place where we can breathe freely fucking I remember when fucking Jean's dad died I think one of the first comments I made to her was you can't spell

you can't spell dead without dad and then she cried in her room for like three hours and I'm like a bitch I'm like Jim why are you

making your dead dad all about you that's what I've enjoyed about this podcast actually is because I mean even though the last few episodes

it does sound like we've edited shit out because me brand new Mac sucks. Yeah, because that's the weird thing. And it cuts off every time the fucking software updates do. The thing about Macs is they're not real computers

and they're not good and they're more expensive than actual hardware and there's literally no positive to them. But keep saying what you were saying. So what I was saying is we haven't had to cut anything out but I always feel like there's things that positive to them. But keep saying what you were saying. So what I was saying is we haven't had to cut anything out. But I always feel like there's things that we say,

like today, where you expect repercussions. You expect repercussions and you're like, oh, have we really? Because there's 4,000 people listening now. We're filtering it out to 4,000 people who are sound. Oh, it must be. I've heard 4,000 sound cunts. Because that's rare, right?

Normally, if there's 4,000 people, there'll be about three sound cunts. Because that's rare, right? Normally if there's 4,000 people, there'll be about three sound cunts. Aye. Yeah. Yeah, but the thing I enjoy about a lot of our listeners is the messages that I am able to fucking read on Twitter and Instagram is a lot of them are just like...

They'll correct us and be like, I didn't find that bit funny, or I think you were ignorant there. And everyone puts a caveat. I know I'm a muggle for getting in touch to correct you. But that's the best way to do that, right? People who are having, if I do a joke, which I have done and I will continue to do,

that upsets people accidentally, the people who are genuinely upset by it will come up to me and they'll go, here's why what you said upset me. I just think you were ignorant in this places. And I'll be like, I am ignorant. And they're the types of people that'll go, right, allow me to explain why what you said was hurtful.

And then I get to get into a debate with them. One that I'll inevitably lose because they've got more experience than me. But I'm going to learn from that. If you're offended by a joke and that's your reaction, I have no problem with you. Please explain my ignorance. Somebody actually got in touch with you.

If you're the type of fucking cunt, right, that you're not willing to have a discussion with me, you're not willing to come to the source, right, what you want to do is go public trial immediately. Public trial. I want strangers that don't know you, that don't know me, that don't know me, to rein in on this 30 second bit of conversation.

And again, I'm not joking. Kill yourself. And if you think that joke is offensive, then remember, it's not a joke. It's not. Kill yourself. Fucking just. Your mates don't like you

every time they make a joke they look at the side of the road towards you and they're like oh fucking Keith's here we were talking today because we're in Croatia

right now we're in Rijeka and we were talking originally about the World Cup where the was it somebody the Swiss footballer had done like a hand gesture

with an eagle with two heads yes to Shaqiri try and offend Serbians because he's from Kosovo somebody, the Swiss footballer, had done a hand gesture with an eagle with two heads. Yes. Shaqiri. Trying to offend Serbians, because he's from Kosovo. Anyway, hand gesture hurt somebody's feelings,

hurt a whole group of people's feelings. And we got to talking, like, how can a hand gesture hurt you? Well, this is when I will commit. Make your point first. Well, I just don't, like, I might be in a position of privilege where there is no hand gesture when I will commit. Make your point first. Well, I just don't, like, I may be in a position of privilege where there is no hand gesture that I can get around.

Like, you know, even if someone stuck their middle finger up with us, right? I'm like, that guy just stuck his middle finger up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like... I think that... Like, you know, if there's a fucking gang saying

that was, like, fuck Blythe. Right. Right? Like, and somebody did that i feel like he just said fuck blithe like i love it like i love my hometown but if somebody done some disrespectful hand gesture that suggested that crumblington was better i'd just be like that's his that's what he does with his hands oh like can you get fucked off by a hand gesture well i get your point but I do think you touched

on it when you said it comes from a place of privilege right which is like and this is I am going to go to an extreme here but

that's in order to prove how we're thinking so you're going to do the Heil Hitler yeah like if I was a fucking Jew right

sorry I didn't mean to say it a fucking Jew I mean that is way more offensive than any hand just you can throw down the thing is

but I say fucking in front of it that's a problem I say fucking I've noticed it in my stand up I'll say fucking kids because I say fucking before most nouns

and sometimes I'll say fucking kids and the audience will laugh and I'll be like no like not like not the verb like I'm not

fucking that was did I tell not that was when did I tell you this about when I was at Liverpool I'd done a gig you know

somebody shouted you Geordie cunt from the back so I had a bit of a back and forth with them and dealt with it and every time

I referred to myself about something about being ginger I'd go no I'm a ginger cunt and I always make it aggressive and then there's a bit where I went

up in Scotland I'm practically Mexican which is what I've been and then I just looked at him and went Mexican cunt and I was like oh my god

that sounds so fucking offensive when you put cunt after nationality especially one that's like dealing with shit as a man who puts the word fucking before everything I've just said

fucking Jews and that can be taken out of context and all that is just me saying fucking Jews but if Ari Shaffir is listening to this

I mean it from the bottom of my heart get this off but if Ari Shaffir is not listening to this I love my Jewish fans but I think like if you for us

symbols of fucking repression won't affect us because we've never been repressed I think if you're a Jew and you see a C. Carl salute, absolutely I understand why that's an offensive gesture because, well, I mean, the Holocaust and whatnot. What Holocaust? Come on. But it's just, yeah, I think a lot of this, again,

as with most of this podcast, a lot of this is fucking, you know, steeped in privilege. But that's the other thing about privilege is... Can we make a hand saying that we're offended by? You know the one where you put your hands together, palms facing each other, and then you put your middle fingers down and then you twist your hands around so it does like a top willy and a bottom willy. Aye. They're the size of willies, right? And then you wiggle, we're both doing it by the way we're both doing the hand wiggling

can you join in at home right join us at home you put your palms together and then you put your sweaty fingers either side of each other and you twist your palms around

and then you flick them both out that's now the international symbol for muggle that's how that's how yes you're a muggle that's the muggle symbol so now if anyone's ever talking to you

and just being a real fucking muggle during conversation you flip it around and you're a fucking muggle that's the new muggle hand symbol and use it to offend people the second one of you starts being like you know what just one of the best things I find about

the energy that you get from the world just keep letting them talking but while they're talking just spin them around and just go just start doing that just go uh-huh yeah uh-huh oh why while you're wiggling your fingers this is me fingering both your mama and your dad your fucking mother double-ended dildos speaking of which because we need to make this a shorter podcast because we're up in six hours and also like I'm really conscious that people can hear us

through these walls eh shall we move on to Muggle Corner we should em yeah go on then oh in fact before we do Muggle Corner eh

what I will say is this is us at the end of the eh European tour we've just done our last gig done the last gig in Rijeka eh

Netflix has been a joyous joyous thing to happen because this is, I mean. You know what's nice about it? So we've got promoters in every area that we do. Like in Croatia,

Nino and Natasha have been looking after us for the last two gigs. They work so hard to get the gigs full and they have done for the last five years and it's just made their job

a bit easier. Yeah, it's been nice. Their job is now, people are emailing them saying, oh, we've been to all five gigs and we haven just made their job a bit easier yeah it's been nice their job is now people are emailing them saying oh we've been to all five gigs we haven't got tickets

yet can we get and they've had to deal with a lot of like people trying to get in when there's no seats left and that's a fucking luxury

that's the biggest stress they have now whereas the stress used to be shit it's a week away there's 90 tickets sold we've got a 300

seat venue we've got to somehow shift as many tickets and they fucking pull it out of the bag every year they do it but this year

they're two weeks before the gig and it's sold out in 500 so next year the European tour will be bigger we know there will be

people in Ljubljana and other cities that couldn't get tickets to the people that drove from other countries yeah somebody drove to their counters from the Ukraine

the Ukraine which was like an 11 hour drive to come fucking see the show that's a horrible noise yeah sure pause while that noise

is happening yeah alright so if you drove to see us thank you very much the other thing is we didn't do an Italy gig and people from Italy

come to gigs all over the tour yeah so we'll try and get Italy added next year the other thing to the I wish I could remember

the names but I'm a bad person in Zagreb we did an escape room oh yeah so the name that on the Facebook messages

was Ada but I'm sure she said she was called Jasmine yeah we did if you've not listened to the podcast me and Kai

love escape rooms we think they're absolutely muggly and we'll go and muggle a corner every time we do I don't know if they are you know

I'd fight that if you tried to put that in a muggle corner yeah I think they're really fun but okay here's why I would argue it's muggly

I would argue 90% of people that do them are muggles yeah and that's why it's muggly muggles do it yeah right

people with muggle traits do it but I think it's problem solving it's my way. Muggles do it. Yeah. Right? People with muggle traits do it. But I think it's problem solving. It's like you're using parts of your brain that you don't exercise so much. Maybe you do in day to day life, but you get to do it intensely for an hour. And the teamwork skills and everything, it's like you immerse yourself in it to a point that it's like the way I used to enjoy playing football is whatever problem like when I played

Sunday League I was fucking working in factories or whatever I had money worries I worked in sports and I just got a mortgage I had fucking shit

that was weighing heavy on my shoulders but when I'm on the pitch I'm fucking I'm just playing football right when you're in an escape room you can't be anywhere else

but there your mind is not anything you're not like you know how sometimes even if you're like bored or hovering around, you're grabbing your phone and shit, looking at a text message, scrolling Facebook. There's no way you're not.

You are fucking active at a high pace. Your brain is working at a high pace for a full hour. And I think it's a fucking real immersive activity. But you can't switch off from it after. It's like coke. It's like coke in the sense that after you've done it for an hour afterwards, you're like,

I'm real highly engaged right now. I just need to fucking talk to people. I want to open a restaurant. I've got really big plans for this city. So I come into my hotel room afterwards and I was like, right, room 930. What can 930 be? Oh, there's a therm afterwards and I was like right room 930 what can 930

be oh there's a thermostat we're numbers on 930 dentist that's 230 so yeah to the guys that gave

us the escape room in Zagreb was one of the best escape rooms we've ever done and we introduced that in the

promoters of the gig Nino and Natasha who like they did like you come up and you've got big ideas

I'm going to start a restaurant they come up and they're like oh my cousin's got a house in the country and let's make

an all day escape room where he can come along for like a full imagine that nine hour escape the country house alright

people are yeah escape rooms but to everyone that came to the gigs nine hour escape the country house alright people are yeah escape rooms but to everyone that came to the gigs in Europe it's been the best

European tour we've had thank you to everyone that's come we're starting the UK tour next week there's only like special thanks to everybody that brought us weed

and extra special thanks to Mo and friends who forgot to shout out from the Vienna gig who bring the

homemade strand of Sluss Express and the only UK dates that we know aren't sold out yet are Sterling Dunfermline

and another one fucking go on my website but yeah thanks everyone it's been real good and

fuck it let's move on to my good corner have you got one? yes I got like plagiarised Facebook statuses because it's been real good and fuck it let's move on to my good corner have you got one yes I got like plagiarised Facebook statuses

because you sometimes see a status that you like and you're like oh that's fucking really funny but then you'll see it again by someone else and you're like

somebody somebody nailed it but I don't even know if the first person that I liked it from was the patient zero but it's like

stealing jokes is like a crime amongst comedians but amongst the general public it's a crime against you it's just it's just like

you're being funny but not with your thing and it's like so the example is I fucking I died laughing when I saw it

there was some like Instagram model put like a seductive photo with what you're thinking and somebody replied about this really funny thing about if you had twins and one was born at one minute

one and then the clocks went back and then the other one was born at three minutes past one but then it was three minutes past midnight and you get the gist one of the twins is now younger by an hour but it's actually technically older by two minutes right and that was funny in the response to what you're thinking yeah yeah right and i thought it was great and then just earlier today i saw that as a just a facebook status of someone and i was like oh but what if the person who initially responded

wasn't that person? Why does people have to go, oh, that's funny, having that. And not like crediting the source. Yeah, that's my thought. I thought this. Uh-huh.

And like just trying to get away with it. Just trying to like pass it off as their own and get credit for it. It's like, it's kind of desperate. Yeah, it's, you're adopting,

don't get me wrong I'm absolutely someone that you know I'll fucking repeat jokes but every time I repeat a joke from another column I can't say

oh yeah doing it like you're doing a fucking university essay and you've got like the annex of like yeah yeah yeah just in the little fucking little star sign by sending jokes

being like here's my sources here's where I fucking built this from yeah but we're disciplined to do that because I think the worst ones. The worst ones. And this is another type of person, right,

where from the bottom of my heart, I mean, kill yourself, is fucking Facebook comments where it's like, or the copy and paste when we were saying, oh, hey, it's nice to be here. Here's my favorite number one two six nine eight hey you read that wrong there was no six in that one you read it again oh you just read it again there is a six in it oh i lied to you i just made you read that again i want my like if you've ever

reposted that don't have kids and the way to not have kids is to kill yourself it's like there's also people just being like and people just trying to be fucking woke being like oh hey I'm offended

even the fucking woke ones are the fucking ones like oh I was offended by this joke I'm a vegan transgender

but I identified as a Scorpio mouse during the Jupiter moon blah blah blah where they do this whole thing and it's like

that's copy and pasted you're only doing that to get fucking likes and don't get me wrong you're allowed to post something and go hey I found this funny posting something and saying hey I found this funny

is great dude there's a share button that's what my career is the share button's right there my career our career is hey I found this funny and this is where it came from

there's nothing wrong with finding something funny and sharing with it. What there is a problem with is passing it off as your own, your ununique bag of fucking shit. Aye, I don't like it at all. And if you do that, you kill yourself. And that said about the status as well,

our good friend Tom Horton today. Oh. I think this is noteworthy. Tom didn't discuss it any further. He's not. He's gone into hiding. He's probably gone into hiding, hasn't he? And he's going to get a hiding as well.

We were having a conversation again in a WhatsApp group, which was about when, I guess, I can't remember what brought it on, but I guess it was called Mugly if somebody corrects your form in the gym. And Elliot had been on about correcting someone's form in the gym. Yeah, if you're in the gym and somebody comes up to you and goes, hey, I noticed you were doing the gym stuff there, do you mind if I give you some notes?

It's like, well, no, you're not a personal trainer, so why don't you fuck off and die? How about that for a... So that was a discussion that was had, and Elliot was the one making the observations and then Tom Horton

put a tweet up saying there's nothing more emasculating spelled wrong emasculating about somebody coming up

cracking the F-1 in the gym and we're like that's some more shameless shit shameless just stealing someone else's thought and passing it

off as your own Elliot didn't even find it funny enough to put online himself the most shameless shit shameless just stealing someone else's thought and passing it off as your own Elliot didn't even find it funny enough to put online himself he just popped into a closed group while conversation was flowing no no

someone just went I haven't that look there's nothing that wasn't that wasn't even muggly of Tom that was just heinous theft

that was just downright copyright breach but if you're stealing fucking jokes off Elliot Steele seriously I get right my mobile corner

comes from Twitter from the most Spanish sounding Scottish name I've ever heard

Louis McCleckland I'll say that one more time I'll say that one more time his name is Louis which name have I ever heard? Louis McLachlan. I'll say that one more time. I'll say that one more time. His name is Louis McLachlan. Is that like

Jean Val McElroy? So Louis McLachlan is absolutely spot on with this. Muggles apologise after swearing. Now we've spoken about swearing a bunch in the past couple of podcasts,

so I'm not getting into too much. But if you're offended by swearing, I honestly believe you are the lowest form of human being. The lowest form of human being. Like, you're... It's the difference between you know when they come up to you

with a hot plate in a fucking Mexican place and it's sizzling and they go that's a hot plate and you're like fucking hell that is a hot plate

and the difference between warming up breast milk in the microwave and checking it on your arm and being like oh that's also hot there are two different types of hot right

if you're offended by swelling right if not only are you offended by swelling right if not only are you offended by swelling right if you apologize for sweating here's what i can introduce about you as a person both of your parents are shit everyone in your family is shit most people in your life are shit and if all of you died i wouldn't blink right they would have heard that sentence and went not oh my god he said everybody in my family sucks. They'd be like, oh my God, did you hear how many times that boy said shit?

Oh. You know what the worst thing is? People that don't like swearing are usually like, and I just said the shit, but horrendous people. Like, you know, if you think like really pious people in the older days that like would happily It's religious. give a child a cane.

Yeah. Hit a child with cane yeah hit a child with a stick yeah for swearing for swearing and you're like whoa he just swore

you hit a kid with a stick aye you just absolutely aye like it's the same thing with like people who go people who are most offended when you take the Lord's name in vain

are the same one that thinks all gays need to die, all Muslims are fucking evil. Good people. But it's just, anyone who is that level of, just being like, I'm going to put myself so much, my gran always said to me, she was like, you know, swearing shows a lack of vocabulary.

I'm like, does it fuck cunt? It gives you extra words. I'm like, I use 10 more words than you do, you know, swearing shows a lack of vocabulary. I'm like, does it fuck cunt? It gives you extra words. I'm like, I use 10 more words than you do, you fucking moron. Like, to be offended by swearing is the, and to me it is one of the lowest forms of intellect. Of humanity. Of humanity. To be offended.

It's the only time I've ever felt like an actual wizard, right? I can say a word that makes you freak out. However, I'm still in the camp that, like, there's words that have got, like, a historical... Oh, like the N-word. Yeah. Yeah, of course. In faggot.

That's like a pile of sticks you would throw on a fire to burn and that's how they would treat gay people. So they've got, like, a historical thing where if you're using them towards the people yes then that's fucked up it's not the word that you're saying

it's your intent and the way that you feel and the way that you think that's fucked up not the word the word is actually just a verbal representation of how much of a

fucking cock you are right so if somebody says one of them words oh no the word doesn't matter but I'll just go oh you're a bellend. But those people are never the ones that, you know, with the people that are offended by swearing,

it's not as if I go, you're a fucking cunt. They're never the go, don't swear. When they'll say don't swear, it's up and like, so I was hanging out with, met this guy and he turned out to be a fucking racist and they'll go, oh, don't swear. I'm like, he was a fucking racist. I'll fucking oh don't swear, I'm like he was a fucking racist I'll fucking swear at him all I'll fuck him

the cunt was a racist he deserves every bad word in my fucking vocabulary and from the bottom of my heart I'll be killed but eh, however however I'm in Muggle Corner oh yeah because you do it

around Natalie's fucking parents don't you like a little house trained bitch at the wedding eh I swore during

my group speech and then I apologised to Natalie's mum for swearing fucking straight in the corner I'm in the corner you are in the corner

but I mean not as much as Natalie's mum should be in the corner for me needing to alright but she mean not as much as Natalie's mum should be in the corner for me needing to she's not like and you know what you know what to be honest with you

I'm also in the corner my grandparents on my mum's side who I love incredibly dearly I love both my grandparents grandparents on my mum's side they're just old fashioned

and you know different fucking generation and I'll absolutely respect that but they still come to my shows and they still listen to everything and they never complain about it so they've seen me say fuck shit can't bugger all this other stuff they've seen me talk about pedophilia

and rape and fucking death and all this stuff they've seen me make jokes about their dead granddaughter but still in conversation if I ever swear in front of my grandparents I'm like sorry gran but so yeah that's Louis

McLeachan is my girls do apologise for swearing I think we're both in the corner for that yeah but it's like I think it's been grandfathered out

because like my grandad Pete who's like like you know what when I think back he probably wouldn't have been that bothered Aye

But I would never have sworn in front of him Because like He's from an era of The gentleman Aye You know what I mean Like he probably swore like a fucking trooper When he was

A trooper On the RF station When he was a trooper Yeah So when he was Like people he served with He was probably swearing loads But then when he's around his family,

he uses, he operates decorum. Aye. He represents himself in a particular manner that he would expect me to represent myself in when I'm not on the battlefield. Aye. Yeah. But he's a generation that's dying out,

and it's good that they're dying out because they all voted for Brexit. So, right, dad jokes. Are we going to cut it this short? Yeah, man, it's fucking 1.30, we're up in fucking six hours. Of course we are. I'm going to see my wife tomorrow.

It's going to be good, isn't it? I'm right here. Your dad says, Dad, watch this every time he masturbates. To your granddad. Aye. No he masturbates to your grandad aye no no to your grandad unless my grandad

is your dad's dad same guy your dad got his bottom teeth removed so he could suck his own chin you were taught to respect women

by your dad every time your mum beat the shit out of him you were like fuck women are hard as nails. Did he say that correctly? When your dad beat the shit out of him? When your mum beat the shit out of him, yeah.

Your dad marked himself safe on Facebook after the Manchester bombings, even though he wasn't. He was bleeding out by the merch stand. Your dad lights incense and holds it in his teeth like he's a hippie farmer. On his rocking chair. Ah, storms are coming. Your dad pulls his own hairdo in sex.

It's to stop him chewing through your mum's fanny your dad tuts when he comes oh this again well maybe he didn't like

a swear on maybe he really liked a swear on your dad thinks all disabled people should be

deported in chance there's no SPAC in the union Jack Your dad thinks all disabled people should be deported. In chance there's no SPAC in the Union, Jack. Josie's death hit him hard. Your dad invented Heelys for your butt so that it was easier to wipe his arse on carpets. When your mum gets a... Oh, is this... When your mum gets a dildo out, your dad always panics and shouts Expelliarmus. Your dad's favourite comedian is Eliza Schlesinger

and he loves the two voices she does in Calls at Range. Your dad back ansed a policeman and the policeman put him in the Boston Crab until backup arrived. Your dad got a piercing in his tongue but it was a spacer and now he can't eat soup your dad does one for you one for me

when he's feeding the pony your dad ties his shoes with his teeth he puts it in his mouth like it's a fucking cherry stick or the whole shoe he puts the whole shoe in

and just makes a face for about a minute and just pops it out worst thing is they're velcro and it's still on his foot your dad gives

brutal feedback during sex during this is brutal your dad sucks feedback like a mic like when you put the microphone in front of the speaker

like he just squeals my mum puts his dick in my mouth and he's like... Your dad sucks his thumb like a rude boy. Your dad was the hall monitor in school. Unofficially. He took it upon himself. Dan.

I'm not. Your dad goes conga picking out of season and just settles for bits of dog shit that he finds and tries to thread strings through those instead your dad says quick muffs after he tells people how many kids he's got and he still gets it wrong

like he still thinks there's four horrendous And he stuck it to wrong. He still thinks there's four. Horrendous. Three. Right, you just keep talking for another half hour. Just give them a bit of bang for the buck. Right, now stop kissing this dummy. Stop kissing this.

These are all from Matty he said he said he said the start of the last podcast was his favourite so I'm going to try and make this you did didn't he and this I'm going to try and make the end of this podcast

his favourite kiss the pincer I'm not kissing you right wait we're just trying to drag this out now bye guys