Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 3.11 Snunky and Cream

Episode Date: November 5, 2018

During a brief sabbatical in the tour Cream is back home with his brand new house elf Ryan "Snunky" Cullen joining him on the podcast. With muggins back in London for his wife birthday Cream takes this opportunity to hang some shit on him... and play Red Dead Redemption.

Sloss and Humphrey's on the road! Muggins and Cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Awww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

Hello, it's me, Daniel Sloss, a.k.a. Cream, a.k.a. the reason you listen to the podcast. Kai Humphries, a.k.a. Muggins, a.k.a. Pinsir, a.k.a. Pickles, is down visiting his alleged wife down in London. I'm back

home, which means today's special guest is it Spongebob, Mr. Ryan Cullen. It's Uncle Snanky. Well, how's it going? When you said the AK, I was going to expect you to say AK, the guy that you don't listen to this podcast for. No, no, that's Kai. That's definitely, that's old Pinty McPickles over there. Hi. So you're my new housemate. Hi. We live together now. It's a big change. How's that been for you considering I've not been here for a long time? It's been great because you just literally came in

and gave me the keys and went, I'm going on a European tour. Yeah. One thing I will say about you is you are far cleaner than Kai Humphries ever was living here.

I don't want this to become the me bitching about Kai episode but now that Kai's not here and I've been on the road with him for fucking six weeks, I've got a lot of a lot of complaints to make great example one

he took all the podcast equipment and then told us to record a fucking podcast despite the fact that he's in London there's a lot more comedians around that place he's got a lot more free time

he knows I've got press tomorrow he took all the podcast stuff he's the one that's able to do it I'm like no no no I'll do the fucking podcast Ryan shall I he's a cunt I just came out of the rain too

aye did you I walked all the way from my gig as well walked all the way I'll just play Red Dead Redemption I mean that's all I've been doing all day

aye I've been watching a lot of it man while you were away one of the most and I'm sorry to people who don't play the game but I'm genuinely

fucking impressed by it the two things that blow my mind the most one the horse's testicles shrink when you go into cold water that's the level of depth they fit in it right right for people could be like how do you

possibly know that first of all i saw an article about it and i was like that's hilarious but then yes i did spend 10 minutes in a game just walking a horse in and out of cold water just to watch the programming of these shrinking and crawling testicles. I saw on the news the whole thing about all the people that were 100 hours working. Did you see that? Already, yeah. When I saw the first scene, I went...

When I saw the graphics, I was like, yeah, well worth it, mate. Yeah, yeah. All for slavery when it's good stuff. It is. That is the problem, right? It's like, this is pretty much the closest I think society's come to the pyramid. Like, since...

Since we stopped mass horrific amounts of slavery, just, like, no return for what you put in. It's, you know, civilisation's dropped. For the better. Obviously for the better. You can't do that to people. I'm not saying it's good. I'm just saying. It's, you know, civilization's draw. For the better. Obviously for the better. You can't do that to people. I'm not saying it's good. I'm just saying.

It's, yeah, I love the, there's something about it, though, that every time that you go to change your outfit on it, though. Yeah. You can shave in the game. That's the most unrealistic part for me. That's the main reason I'm playing the game, is just to understand what it's like to shave. I was saying to you, I'm so bad at history that I couldn't figure out

even the century yeah because I'm like god these guys it's gotta be late 1800s my dad's gonna be furious because electricity

was invented in yeah but you know I should know this I got a fucking test on my body I'm gonna say 78 but it doesn't matter

you're like shooting Indians and next thing he pulls out binoculars or a train goes by I'm going to say 78 which doesn't matter you're like shooting Indians and next thing he pulls out binoculars or a train goes by I'm like

what what no yeah yeah if you don't know history you're like

you're over there you're hunting with a bow and arrow and then you're also phoning in a call to be like can you get

that bounty off my head I'm coming into town the next day on the train receive a BBM this devastated me today head? I'm coming into town the next day on the train. Receive a BBM. This devastated me today, right?

So I'm not one of these fucking cunts that like, you know, if I die in the game, I'll, you know, I die in real life. No. If I die in the game, I'm not going to be like, oh no, I'll go back to my favorite safe point or whatever. So I go right past this fucking, this guy that is two like teenage sons building a house

and he's just yelling at them right so i go over to just listen to him yell at his kids this is in the game yeah this is not the storyline i just walk past a guy yelling at his kids for building a house wrong and so and then part of the house falls down and he yells at them some more so i talk to them and i'm like and i harass them like you guys are shit building houses they're like yeah we know we don't want to build houses and then i go talk to the dad he's like they're fucking useless and then but that's as far as i can interact with them i'm like oh well that's just a weird little what's yeah there's no need to interact with everyone yeah two days later i'm walking past the same fucking house and some of the walls are up

and i go over it right it gives me a chance and i say to the boys oh you know well done on getting the walls up they're like oh you know yeah no we're enjoying it and the dad's even like yeah you know they're coming along they're blabbing a bit

and then that's the end of the interaction and I'm not allowed to interrupt and I'm like fucking I wonder what this storyline is it's clearly got nothing to do with the game

day three right night time I go by and they're being shot up by a bunch of bandits so I immediately jump in and start killing all the bandits and I start talking to the dad afterwards

I'm like what was that all about and he goes, oh they're running a protection racket so I'm like, oh right, okay, that's clearly what this mission is I've got to start protecting these people and I just accidentally pull out my gun and the dad loses it so he starts fucking shooting at me i don't want to kill him

right i don't know what the button is i'm sorry i didn't mean that right sorry so he's just shooting at me i'm hiding my entries his son runs away to snitch like a little bitch right son runs away to fucking snitch i'm just running away from the dad trying to make him calm down hoping the law enforcement arrive and just i'll get back to this storyline but the law enforcement arrive and just all get back to this storyline but the law enforcement arrive and I've not fired a shot yet so the police turn up and only see him

shooting me so they shoot the fucking dad in front of the two kids who start crying and the police officer's like are you okay sir and I'm like

what is this game this is this is almost it weirdly started funny thing this is really traumatic even though it's cartoons I would have been like

ah just killed their father man that's what I feel and now they're he's going to teach them to build the rest of the house he didn't teach me I don't know the buttons I can't teach him

man water dripping on their poor heads the rest of the there was also the other one I did which I did sorry can't remember there the other one I did

where I was I found I was just I was going down by the river and there was a fucking crazy preacher in the water right he was just like yelling i was talking absolute gibberish so i was trying to calm him down but he was just talking shit he wasn't doing anything bad but he was a mental preacher now i've played enough video games and watched enough movies to know that mental preacher has never ended well now i don't even want to know what the storyline of this guy is. It's not going to be good. So I lasso him and I just want to see

what happens. I hog tie him and I just chuck him in the river just to see what happens. How realistic is this game? I'll tell you how realistic this game is. The guy kicks and bubbles for 45 seconds. Oh my god. It's too much. We were talking about this and like Grand Theft Auto

and like you can when it's too realistic and you can live out your... Darkest, most horrible thing. Like I can't help doing that thing. I was telling you, like every time in Grand Theft Auto, I kill a woman usually. What?

Why is that? You're going... I'll tell you why. Okay. Because it's, it's for effect when the police turn up. Okay. So it's for effect when the police turn up. Okay.

So it's just to be in the middle of the road, right? And then I cover in petrol. Okay. And then you put a little trail. Yeah. And you stand in the road waiting for the police. And then when they kind of come in this thing, then you light the body on fire.

Just from a distance. Because we were saying how much terrifying that would be. Oh, on real life yeah if you came upon that scene you'd be like what the

it's your first day on the beat the rookie effort that's why I always think that you know they make people like why haven't they done a GTA

set in London it's like because we don't have guns it would be so fucking dull GTA Edinburgh would just be

fucking I mean I don't want to sound like a fucking shit Scottish comedian here it would be so fucking dull GTA Edinburgh would just be fucking I mean I don't want to sound like a fucking shit Scottish comedian here like what if GTA was Scottish

alright man Gijer I improve you know those shit sketches I refuse to get into that type of bit it's not a busy

city either you'd be like I need someone to run down yeah there is a new driving game out which apparently has Edinburgh as a city is a new driving game which apparently has Edinburgh

as a city as a map alright yeah driving similar one of those fucking games yeah oh no fucking I don't

I'm very thorough I don't know why they don't make you know the driving games we used to we used to shoot each other or like your car said rock I don't make those games anymore

hmm riddle me that Mario Kart sure yeah but I'm not I'm not 12 years't know. Riddle me that. Mario Kart, sure. Yeah. But I'm not 12 years old. Yeah.

He lied, because I definitely have Mario Kart. It's right there. I can point to it. You're pointing at it, yeah. Yeah, I have. What about the Red Dead thing that I did get pissed off was all the Irish people in it? Yeah. Proper, like, they got, like, two people Irish in it. They're like, oh, this is Ciarán Duffy tied to a tree.

Yeah. And he'd be like alright that's an authentic Irish accent then you've got a proper leprechaun dude running through there to be fair

but then today one of the characters is called Tom O'Driscoll and you just said under your breath to me I actually know Tom O'Driscoll Colin O'Driscoll

of course it is of course it is all of the immense fucking ridiculous Irish names that you must know at this point

so you're saying they're not the Irish accents well no two of them are I saw two and I went all of the fucking ridiculous Irish names that you must know at this point aye so you're saying they're not legit Irish accents well no two of them are I saw two and I went alright that's alright

I know that general area have you ever watched fucking Sons of Anarchy no I watched two episodes in it and then there's

a Scottish guy in it and his Scottish accent is so unbearably awful that I genuinely could not bring myself to watch the end of the

season right that's always been my excuse I then found out a year ago he's actually Scottish I stand by his

accents not any form of is he playing it up and then making it it must be even if he's

born in Scotland I'm assuming he's lived in America for several years picked up the he's like did he land the part

he probably landed the part and go I've got this because I'm Scottish I got it and nobody would fucking correct him like if he was on

the scene with actual Scottish people he'd be like hoi fucking wind that wind you're making us all

seem like fucking Sesame Street characters at this point there's a couple like the best one ever was Tom Cruise in Far and Away if you've seen Far and best one ever was Tom Cruise in Far and Away if you've seen

Far and Away Tom Cruise you know you remember Far and Away it didn't win an Oscar but it got presumed it won an Oscar

it's shit I don't know why I said that what is it it's like it's back in the 17th century I'm guessing century I don't know why I said that

him and Nicole Kidman as usual of course she's in all his films is it just are you talking about the movie Australia? No, it's like Australia, but it was in the 90s. He falls off a horse, hits his head.

They all think he dies. That was the best part of the film. He wakes up and he goes, Oh, Nicole, I love you. What is this? He wakes up and then he's back at the start and he gets to ride the horse again and he's got to not fall off it. He falls off the horse again and he wakes up and he he's back at the start and he gets to ride the horse again and he's got to not fall off and he falls off

the horse again and he wakes up and he's got to ride the horse again Edge of Tomorrow I think I love Edge of Tomorrow horse films are

always shit there's one yeah Black Beauty not for me Seabiscuit did have a very funny scene

I've never seen Seabiscuit yeah there's a funny scene where this guy gets caught behind the horse and it drags him around mangles him

everywhere but I know it sounds dramatic what I just said yeah especially coupled with like oh playing computer games you live

your deepest fantasies anyway so it's murdering a woman yeah that was it yeah but imagine if you bought those games in like say in red then you die and that's it yeah but imagine if you bought those games

and like say in red then you die and that's it the game over disintegrates man there was a fucking online game

where it was like it was online you built up your character but if you if your character died it died forever you had to create a new one so you can do this thing

like you're obviously wounded and you have to like beg or provide people with a game but they forget like how horrible people are online like if I can make

a 12 year old cry online through killing a character as far as I'm concerned and you're going to let me hear his screams of agony and sadness in what world am I not listening to

every part of that doing that on every occasion yeah yeah I love the way you have I don't know where your microphone is on this playstation so like I'd be playing fifa right and i don't know the microphone's on and like you know it'd be like the 70th minute i'm just sitting there like that and then somebody just goes what hello hello and i'm like fucking what have you ever played online

i see i i stopped playing online computer online computer games 10 years ago and I convinced myself, I was like, I'm just, you know, we've got this technology where we can talk to anyone on the other side of the planet and we just use it to insult each other's mums. I'm just, I don't want to play online anymore. I don't want to have my mum verbally abuse. And then about three years ago I stuck it back on and the second I

stuck the headphones on, I was like, oh no, it was me that did that. Like, it's me me me when given the power of the time it went anonymous I'm the worst human being in the fucking world

like I'm a dick I put it on I played FIFA right the first game I played this guy was so much better than me but I'm an asshole and he just said something

like the first five minutes it pissed me off I scored a goal and then for the following 80 minutes just between my defenders back and forth back and minutes just between my defenders. Back and forth.

Back and forth just between try and he's screaming down at me. I'm laughing away. I'm laughing away. It's the 90th minute, right? And I fuck up a pass and he picks it up.

It's his first touch. I've had 80% possession. He picks up from 30 yards out. He pings it in. He equalises. It's a stunning goal and he screams

down this thing I'm talking a solid man he's like yeah yeah fuck he's just

he's taking his fucking week out on me like all of this stress and he just he turns himself and just goes and I just went good goal mate

and he went oh thanks man I really needed that like just the second I was genuine the movie's like man no thanks very much we really appreciate it Good goal, mate. And he went, oh, thanks, man. I really needed that. Just this second, I was chatting with him. He was like, man, no, thanks very much. I really appreciate it. But I can't do it.

I'm too much of a cunt. I just got to fucking... I got to come into my head a story. And I don't know if it's someone we know or it was probably fucking you now. I know someone that was contacted. The police came to his house because he was contacted through his skybox

by a paedophile no that doesn't want to harm it yeah wait through the skybox you can get like messages in the old sky you can get messages on it but it was like basically through some sort of weird

online thing so basically some paedophile was messaging this guy is overage wait cfags you're saying there was a cfag not a cfag I wish I had the

full facts here I'll come back the next time I'll be like I'll tell you who it is please do if this is not true please make up

the cfag paedophile fuck I know it just sounds I think I know the person he works for CNN now Please do. If this was not true, please make up the Z-Fact Peter file. Fuck, I know. It just sounds... I think I know the person. He works for CNN now. Not the Peter. The guy that's on the Skybox. Because the police,

the guards came to the house and were just like, you know, you've been receiving... And he was like, what? No, what are you talking about? So contact us through the Skybox.

Yeah, you can contact... I feel like fucking messaging them right now through a skybox alright what have we what like

no kids buy skyboxes no it's always their mums it's like a Trojan horse isn't it that's how they've done it

they get the parents to buy the thing so it's actually the parents it's really it's pedo-y Trojan horse what they do is

they make you buy the sea facts right and the pedophiles hiding inside a little fucking... I feel like we're on a fucking episode of Brass Eye. Yeah. Go to page 772. And it's just like an 8-bit drawing of a pedophile's dick.

Oh, man. Oh, God. Oh, fuck. Well, yeah, that was a tangent. It was. Fuck. Peter through the skybox. Peter through the skybox.

Fuck. That was a real flashback. See, you know, pedophiles have to, back in the old days, they had to put so much effort in to be pedophiles. Aye.

They had to follow you. They had to get recognised. They had to work on disguises. But there was... You know, fucking, some sweets had cocaine in them back then. you you know they'd get recognised they'd have to work on disguises you know fucking some suites had cocaine in them back

then what it would be the but there was no registers online if you had to go

if you had if you had like the best thing though is they wouldn't have online registries

so you couldn't check them out you have to go to the library read a book find out who the penis in a book and it's always the librarian it's just always that but we just look and the librarian's like it was one time i didn't imagine you just just a dart in your own house anyway when was the last time you used a weird language when was the last time

you used a library I've I never have used a library I used to love it I wasn't even a nerd I just fucking Kindles didn't exist then it was like a

it was like an unmovable Kindle oh okay yeah that's what it was that lived inside of your school it did yeah I never

there was a library and I remember going to it once because we were forced to and there was a library in my local town but it got it closed down when I was like library and I remember going to it once because we were forced to and there was a library in my local town but it got it closed down when I was like 10

and it got replaced by a they forced you to go to the library it was oh you know what it was it was replaced by a place called Toots Takes All which is

which is right this I'm going to tell you say it again Toots Toots I'll explain okay

Toots Takes All is a bookies so the library is replaced by a bookies right but this guy Toots Text All is a bookies so the libraries are based by a bookies right but this guy Toots is a local character

wait his nickname is Toots aye did he give that to himself aye as in Toots the 1960s sexist term

like T-O-O-T-S Toots alright Toots buy yourself something nice Toots that type of Toots okay well that's exactly well you know what?

His real name's Rodney, so that's worse. Yeah, Rodney's at least a... Like... I don't know, like a blokey name. Do you call him... This guy used to, like...

Like... Man, if I've ever called a woman toots... Well, I've never called a woman toots, but if I were to, I would assume it would be during a fucking... You're antagonising yeah

just real sexist old school ah dooms toots takes all with his porno shop yeah with his porno shop

right so Eugene his bookie shop Eugene my dad you're Eugene yeah you used to always say

you're GNYG oh fuck off Eugene I'm going to definitely use it though he used to say oh Toots used to

come into this thing and it was his shop and he goes he used to come into the mall and go right fuckers you give me all your money

today again blah blah blah he'd rub it in like that every time which is probably bad for business but whatever

but I remember I guess if you antagonize someone this guy is a show off right so he bought a big black jeep like a proper like

so glad that word was like jeep but he put a pink question mark on it like the black eyed peas and wrote where's the love and he just

drives it around town a lot fuck ah your childhood blows my mind yeah yeah i don't know i haven't heard from him in a while

i don't know if Toots is still open no he's still it's just Toots has taken off he's left the kids at home there was one day

he walked in and was like I'm going to take all your money and then he didn't and was just never seen ever again we had a better dude

actually just around the corner from Toots what was his name sweetheart his name was Brock fucking Brock Martin

I should not be using real names name was Brock. Fucking. Brock Martin. I should not be using real names here because these are all people I find. Brock Martin, yeah. Yeah, his brother invented the shoes. Brock. Brock. Doc Martin. I was sitting there going,

is Brock from Pokemon 2nd? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Brock tried to build a second story. He's right on the main street. He had a business where it sold statues, like gardens, gnomes, and then big statues for your back garden, and souvenir shops,

and then he sold tires, and then a little garage, but he also said he sold guns for hunting as well. That was his business. I don't know. Gnomes and guns. Gnomes and guns, right, basically. Double Gs. G and Gs. But he usedes and guns, right? Basically, right? And then a little...

Double Gs. G and Gs. But he used to... One day we were driving... We went home and we came back into the town and there was just a second story entirely built on his shop. So he tried to build it overnight

without planning permission. I just winged it. Like, nah, nobody will notice. Nobody will notice that the building just got taller. It's done so quickly that it's extremely dangerous you're not supposed to build an entire level in one day

and pretend it never happened if you can build it as fast as the kids on Fortnite build it then yeah I reckon there's going to be some structural integrity problems I'm going to get him

in trouble here but he used to sell cigarettes like illegally right so what happens was he sold guns how well apparently

that was alright put out that flag yeah no no but he was selling the cigarettes to children but you knew he was going to

he had someone working in the police the guards so he knew when they were going to raid his place because he lives

like he's about four doors down from the guards so he just looked out the window he'd get a tip off right you see this

this van would pull up right this white van and he'd just be running out and he'd get a tip off right and you see this this van would pull up right this white van and he'd just be running out and there'd be four lads chucking cigarettes in the back of the van

and the van would take off for across the bridge so that's into Northern Ireland and then it's out of his jurisdiction and he'd be like wait so you're telling me Northern Ireland

is essentially like that bit of fucking Grand Theft Auto where you just have to drive out aye so wait so if you just drive into Northern Ireland

you go from four stars to zero stars you yeah do you not what do you not I've got an even better one for you

do you ever hear of a guy called Frank Bellahir wait wait wait so Northern Ireland is dead yeah yeah it's not what you're telling me that's exactly it

if you do a fucking crime in Ireland all you have to do right is drive up to Northern Ireland and go base

and the police are like well he got base well there's a there's a famous one where a boy called Frank Gallagher right so he's from our town

my town but you know but Lula right and he shot his girlfriend and her kids right or something like that

three people died, I might have dramatized it it might not have been kids, three people and I'm like whatever I don't know why I'm dwelling on that and then he got caught, he was sent to Dublin and he went into a mental institution because he pleaded insanity

but what happens is he just escaped from that place and went up to our town crossed the bridge so it's only like literally 10 meters and then just started living there and you can't get extradited for a mental health thing so he just so he's just killed the three people and he's just literally looking over the bridge going hey come here so people ira and stuff then i think tried to like bundle them in a car and drive them over and leave them outside the police and stuff like batman like train spotting two and in the back in the behind the fucking yeah good time that hi that's fucking it's just like the fact that because normally when you think of the term

extradition i always picture like helicopter or airplane. It's like, we're not extraditing this fucking drug dealer from Mexico to escape from Italy. Not like over a bridge just near some sheep being like, we just, there's no, there's no physical way we could force him to go 10 feet over there. It's out of our jurisdiction. I don't know what you want us to do. Our hands are tied at this point. Just, yeah, it's a lot of

there's a lot of that carry on fuck can that be I can't believe that's a loophole I really hope this doesn't lead to any fucking crimes nah everybody's just like fucking if you're in Northern Ireland and you commit a crime you just drive to fucking look I don't know

I know that Frank Gallagher is literally studied in the college because I remember I heard this story a hundred times it's obviously very famous in our time Look, I don't know. I know that Frank Gallagher has literally studied in the college because I remember, I heard this story a hundred times. It's obviously very famous in our time, but they studied it in the college I was in Dublin, Frank Gallagher, in their law course because they're like, here's loopholes, you know, and they study that certain case

because he's just sitting there going like, hey, he's absolutely beating the fucking system. Well, I mean... My dad's great for picking out people that got away with it. So he'd be driving through Strabane and he'd be like

see I'd buy her and I'd be like yeah and he goes pay the fine I'm like how do you know this and then he'd be like

see I'd get her IRA sergeant so your dad's just like a safari snitch I'll only snitch to my son he'd be like he makes me turn off the phone before he tells me

we've done most of your Eugene stories I was telling Abbie about your dad and obviously your dad is the most unbelievable man that ever lived he told me another one he told me another one he goes someone fell off the bridge in Strabane once.

And I go, again, with the same river. It's the same river. Same river where they... Right, so for the people that listened to the previous ones, Colin's dad was fishing and a guy jumped off a fucking bridge. So Colin's dad went over in the rowing boat to help him. And when Colin asked him to expand on the word help, he went, help him finish the job

and that was the end of the story so we don't know if Cullen's dad has killed a man I still haven't figured out if he's a murderer right so this one

so there's another put that one on the back burner for a little while he was like so he goes oh you know this girl my friend

me and my friend Louis and Louis is involved with the Greyhound story he goes oh we were there and this girl had fallen in a river

and Louis was like fallen in the river. And Lou was like, jump in and help her. Jump in and help her because I can't swim. And my dad was a good swimmer. So my dad jumps in the river. He goes, that was awful because I thought I was going to drown too. But he goes, basically, I caught up with the body. And then I looked at her. And when I touched her and spinned her around, she looked like she was dead.

And he went, ugh. And just let her float off. And then he came out and they were they were in the place they were like because I think they had just arrived

they were like what did you do because that scared me sorry I got a fright I was like the worst hero in the world

yeah and also direct violation of the old you touched it last laws like if Ireland's if Ireland's a country that's got a law of

alright you can't get caught there that's dead you definitely have a law of alright you touched it last so what Eugene should have done is taken the body out and just thrown it at the police officer

watched the police officer get fucking arrested because you live in a country with child's laws that's a terrible super I imagine a daredevil came in and went oh I smell blood

no not for me oh I'm going to bulk up the dry heaves yeah I'm dead I'm blind but I can smell it it's like you've seen it

actually it's just the smell of blood oh the sound of bones cracking oh bulk oh you can't do that

excellent sense of touch that's actually why daredevil that's why to be fair he doesn't need that much of a mask right

that's why he's he can just get a mask that covers all of his face the reason it doesn't cover his face is so he can spew he's so squeamish right every time he breaks a bone

he's just that's the bit they cut out but the uncut scenes of Daredevil is a mixture of Daredevil and Team America every time he breaks a jaw it's just The uncut scenes of Daredevil is a mixture of Daredevil and Team America.

Every time he breaks a jaw, it's just... He's always like, all her senses are heightened. Like, touch. I was like, that's fucking useless. Sense of humour. Sense of dread.

All of his senses his sixth sense he sees so many dead people all of his senses have gone through the roof his sense of his sense of worth he's lost his sight but he's much more confident now sense of direction natural confidence sense of worth he's lost his sight but he's much more confident now

sense of direction natural confidence sense of direction oh fuck it

old Matty Murdoch self assured good season right

do you have any oh no in fact before we do good season right do you have any oh no in fact before we do normally me and Kyle on the podcast have a game which

is called I love you but and it's a very very cathartic way that we recommend friends like just you know where your

grievances with each other you say I love you but and then you talk about something that they do that annoys you and it's a fun way to bring it to the surface

without you actually you can bitch about them to the face but they don't take it fucking personally and normally we do it on the podcast together but seeing as the fucker

stole all the podcast gear and then demanded that we do a fucking podcast well I've got Red Dead Redemption 2 and he doesn't and you had a job he can go fuck himself and we'll do one now

okay we'll do it will we both do it or Kai yeah I'll wait do you have one prepared no you go first

and I'll take it on this is what this has annoyed me every day of the tour and it comes from such a good place I'm not allowed to be mad at this

I know this is going to paint me in a bad light right because Kai does this but every Kai does this it comes from a real sweet place but it's because

he thinks everyone is as stupid as he is right yeah Kai has an awful memory right and he'll admit that he's got one of the worst

memories in the world, one of the worst senses of direction in the world. I do not have either of those. I've got a very good memory and an impeccable sense of direction. And every time,

we're on different places on the European tour every day and I go out to introduce him from the offstage mic and just, he'll be sitting there just getting ready to go on

and the lights will go down and we'll be in Zagreb and just, the lights will go down and the music will go down and just'll be in Zagreb and just the lights will go down and the music will go down and just before I'm about to go

Zagreb make some noise he'll just go Zagreb and the next day we'll be in Slovenia in Ljubljana and be like Ljubljana

I'm like I know I know where we are I always know where we are I pay attention and it's all I can just hear it

just right before and it's not I could just hear it just right before and it's not in a bad way he does he's doing it as a nice thing he wants to make sure that I don't go oh where are we because that's something

he would do because he's a moron and he never I've been out with Kai on sessions we're midway through the sesh he's gone what city are we in

right he's gone he loses it so he assumes I have it and then just every day before the show barcelona i know we're in barcelona i could yeah i would i couldn't not know where i am oh it's well kai does it every day yeah and again it's it's not i feel like such an asshole but and it's such a minor thing to complain about but just fucking 25 30 days in a row

of just somebody whispering where you are in your ear when you know you're there. Yeah, yeah. Just offering you information. Just people like me randomly just in the day be like, hey Colin, you're 28. Hi, I know. Cheers, man. Hi, thanks. No, Colin, you're 28.

Yeah, right, thanks, man. 28. You are. 28. Edinburgh. He was like, he's too happy and cheerful but that's it

that's your complaint that's it but it gets him away with murder so when he does something if we did the exact same thing

as him we'd be roasted for days like for example last night when we were trying to stay up for the UFC

and you just had pulled an all-nighter the night before and I was like how many beers will I be buying and Kai goes For example, last night when we were trying to stay up for the UFC, and you just had pulled an all-nighter the night before, and I was like, how many beers will I be buying? And Kai goes, Kai goes, I'll be in session since I'm 20. So in Dublin, we'd stayed out until like fucking 6am,

we were hanging out with some friends, they went to Glasgow to the gigs, thanks to everyone in Dublin, Glasgow UK audiences, blah, blah, blah. But we were fucking knackered, and UFC was on, you're like, I'll pick up some booze, how much booze should I get? And I was and i was like in all honesty get some i don't know if i'll fucking stay up for the night but i'll try and stay up for as long as i can and kai goes what was it he's like kai goes i've been sessions since july i think i'm gonna fucking tap out now don't go to time tonight shut up little fucking bitch cut to five hours later and he's sucking his thumb on the couch he wasn't even this is the first early prelim

not even the prelims he goes oh I'm gonna eat my words yeah it's not like we were watching something calming it's not like we were watching

a David Adler documentary we were watching two men beat the shit out of each other until there's blood on their knuckles and Kai's just there like ahhh you make a cup of tea and he's just there like ahhh he'd make a cup of tea

and he just it's like it's okay you can go to bed but then he started going like oh reputation you trying to beat me to like whatsapp grips

oh yeah yeah yeah just aye aye he's it's the same thing with the fucking pincer stuff like you know

he'll do something and then just lump it on to someone else just because don't get me wrong it's funny I know why he does it it's very funny to accuse somebody of something that you did and have them be blamed that's hysterical right

ask OJ Simpson it's just a decent bit of fucking crack do you have any muggle corners I have a small one do you do you want to do you want to in your words explain what muggles are to people muggles are something that a lot of people do and a lot of things that you would also do but it's not necessarily a stupid thing but it's something that you're fitting into a norm for not for the sake of it just you being a bit basic yeah that's it

what's your small one? people at Halloween who change their twitter names to make them spooky thank god I forgot about that 100% Rich Massara himself there called it I love Rich Massara what was his one?

I fucking don't know Rich Spooky Massara himself there called it I love Rich Massara, what was his one? I fucking don't know, Rich Spooky Massara Yeah, yeah Boo! The other one I can think of There's one, there's a comedian called Tiernan Dweb Who's great, but every year his one is Tiernan Dweb And you're like, oh my god, is that?

Is that where we're all at? Which is Ryan Sullen Ryan Sullen Ryan Sullen culling people crying Sullen that's just sad I think that's the way of health awareness

crying Sullen I don't know if my most scary one would be Daniel no Damned Damned yell Daniel nah Dam Damiel Dammed Dammed yell

Floss Ghost Daniel Ghost Yeah unless your name is like something which starts with like Boo or

Aye Boo Radley Bradley Booper Oh There's no Booper sound in that fucking game A Booper? Yeah

Boo Pow Not like booper not like boop those are too many different types boop and boop if there was ghost

that just went boop I would not be scared of ghosts but to be fair if a ghost said boop I reckon I'd laugh

like imagine boop you're like ah alright what now what do you do you can't touch me

you're a ghost alright fair enough stay out of my hair that's what now what do you do you can't touch me you're a ghost alright fair enough stay out of my hair that's a fair point do you reckon because obviously ghosts unless they're poltergeists ghosts can't touch you

so what are we scared of them for right but we could technically I don't know can we molest ghosts yeah well I think they molest us yeah

you know like that jump when you do in the middle of the night where you go yeah you reckon that's just them fingering they've just got they've just got way too close

to the hole you just feel the icy fingers going up your legs yeah you always think you just think it's your girlfriend with her cold feet and then you remember

you don't have a girlfriend you're incredibly alone and now there's a gold finger in your asshole well yeah it might be weird if you i don't fuck actually i saw that and like

it's like spread around some girls getting married to a ghost fucking this bitch right yeah okay here we go i've been with 20 spirits right there is fucking i um i when we talk about the death penalty right i don't think the death penalty is a deterrent right and there's proof that people say it's not deterrent I don't think the death penalty is a deterrent. There's proof that...

People will say it's not a deterrent. I don't think... If you're going to do an evil thing, you don't care if you're going to fucking die at the end of it. Right? That being said, though I agree with the death penalty is not a deterrent, that being said,

whenever I go to Thailand or stuff, they're like, if you have drugs, we'll kill you. And I've never done drugs in Thailand. So in a way, sometimes it's a bit of a deterrent sometimes, right? Right, so I don't,

but I don't think anyone deserves fucking death, especially not like in a forward thinking free country like the UK. That being said, this bitch who thinks she fucked ghosts

needs to become a ghost so she can fuck him in there. So if you don't have seen it, and I've not watched the thing and I might be I might be one of those I just read this yeah

all I've done I'm being typical I've read a headline and I'm furious which is all they want to do but allow me to react this bitch she thinks she's had sex

with 20 ghosts yeah and she thinks she's been proposed to by a ghost yeah and she broke up with her actual fiance and it's getting better sex from the ghost that she's been proposed to by a ghost and she broke up with her actual fiance and is

getting better sex from the ghost that she's dating now first of all ha ha ha to the ex-boyfriend what a work

on Charlie like you got dumped for a ghost Charlie give me something you could never nothing

nothing also let's discuss this from my experience of movies and horror movies 90% of ghosts are kids

under the age of 16 is she a nonce can you be a pedo if they're dead Casper yeah Casper is it Casper she's being groped

is she seducing them has she got little ghost sweets out yeah we need to get her to explain the whole I might watch it because I don't want to

I don't want to hate somebody this much without actually hearing what their voice sounds like. But if she is 100% serious... Aye. Because, don't get me wrong, believing ghosts already annoys me. Yeah. I'm already annoyed at this point. Then thinking you can communicate them, I'm starting to bubble, right?

Yeah. It's fucking... It wouldn't spoon over the top of me, otherwise I'm going to start spilling it's fucking put a wooden spoon over the top of me otherwise I'm going to start spilling over the fucking edges right and then to

to think you fucked them aye the boyfriend must be like she's he's getting ghosted because of a oh that's fucking

appalling that's so good ghosted because of a ghost. Oh Jesus Christ. Oh fucking do you reckon she might just be fucking a bunch of

Ku Klux Klan members? Oh my god. But she's just look she's gullible enough to believe a ghost. She's gullible enough to believe

whatever those fucking racist tell her. I love the way she calls them spirits that makes she goes that'll be more

believable if I said that yeah yeah nobody's gonna listen to me maybe I won't watch that maybe I'll come

on the next podcast and I'll be like you know what it was actually probably the picture of her was like in a daytime morning

show so I still think it's I just don't think you're allowed to give there's that I watched a documentary about a guy that was sexually attracted to

a rollercoaster. And I've never been angrier. I just remember sitting there seething. Seething that this man was allowed to vote. And his vote counts the same. He's sexually attracted to a rollercoaster. Yeah, I presume he sits in the front with all the... That looks so dodgy. But it's not even a a rollercoaster yeah I presume he sits in the front of all the that looks so dodgy

but it's not even a working rollercoaster anymore he just fucking sits in it and he talks to it and he's sexually attracted to it and he masturbates on it and like the only thing is like none of that's a crime but I think it should be it definitely should be like if you're

I don't want to kink shame anyone right people are into different fucking stuff sexually right if you like let's say you like dressing up as something different

being fucking different and that's what gets you kicked so if you want to be pissed on you enjoy pissing it's not for me right

but each to their own those are your fucking kinks and I don't want to like shame your sexual freedom right but if you fuck a car get in jail

like that's like just I know you're not hurting anyone but I just I understand that I sound like the old school fucking homophobes being like that's the problem all these bigots are just like if we let the gays get married they'll want to marry cars next

and all the liberals are like well that's never going to happen and then this cunt starts fucking cars and I'm like you're what the prophecy foretold well that's never going to happen and then this cunt starts fucking cars and they're like you're what the prophecy foretold now these idiots are going to think that they were right because you're fucking

shoving out of the exhaust pipe of a fucking Skoda do you know what I mean yeah if it doesn't if it doesn't fit in the bedroom

it's not allowed in the bedroom actually you should just buy one of those race car beds that's where it comes from. Lightning McQueen. Do you reckon Cars did it?

Do you reckon Cars made it? Man, some people are sexually attracted to the weirdest things. There's definitely hentai with the Cars. I'll tell you what's a sick one that I keep seeing on porno websites. It's always in the adverts and stuff. I'm like, who's watching these? Now again, I'm not who's watching these now again

I'm not into hentai like Elliot Steelitz right but you know if that's your thing if you're into like big octopus dicks

going in fucking things and it's a cartoon yeah I'm like if that's what you're into as long as it's not hurting anyone

I've got no problem with it find it weird it's not for me right have you ever seen Zootopia no well the fucking little

bunny rabbit from Zootopia there are too many fucking pornos of her that people have just spit animators people that went to university to study animation right Jesus I didn't think it was a makeover yeah man the level of detail these guys right these are the fucking people right they didn't get the job at Pixar they didn't get the job at fucking DreamWorks. All they wanted to do is make Frozen 2 because their goddaughter's a big fan. They go through all the trials they got on the food. They graduate at the top of the class, but they just don't get the part.

You know what? It's Hollywood. It's a doggy dog world out there. To make end meat, you're just making a fucking little rabbit get fucked by a moose. Morphines.

It's just, ah. It's gross. And Zootopia's a great movie. And of all the characters in it, she's the least fuckable as well. That's my main problem. She either plays or he's L. That is Elliot's thing. It is absolutely his.

If you go into the categories and type in ruined orgasm, it's like the categories and type in like ruined orgasm it's just all pictures of Elliot ruined orgasms is another fetish that I like I don't

that's one I just don't get now I don't like being I don't like being heart in general physically or emotionally it's too sore it's just

I can't I can't take a punch I can't even take a fucking slap right if you're into slapping whatever and all that kinky stuff fucking

more power to you kissing kissing but ruined that's like so basically somebody's like jerking you off and just as you're coming

they just fucking McGregor uppercut you fucking up just right in your butt I don't know what you get out of that because what you get out of it is the orgasm but when you're ruining it

what's the so what's the point of it ah you've just got so I don't get it it's like oh you like this car you like this car and you just put your foot through the window

it's the car ones the ruined orgasm ones they just get them to reverse over your fucking balls oh god and then when you come it just has a wheel spin

and it just springs over your face at high speed it's like a anyway what was your topic oh yeah puns

alright anyone that changes their name it's entirely unharmful there's nothing wrong with it

I know so many good friends that have done it but it is absolutely muggly if you change your fucking name get in the fucking corner you bags of shit alright go pick in the corner like Blair Witch Project you fucking nerds my one is we've touched on it a bit

muggles play good characters in computer games oh right yeah what do you mean like like so in Red Dead Redemption right

the world is yours you can do whatever you fucking want right so every now and again someone will just chat shit to me and I'll just hear

them chat shit to me and I'll just shoot them in the fucking head do you know why because I'm not allowed to do that in real life

alright don't let me go the amount of people that are in bars or whatever have given me a fucking look and I'm like

if I had a gun I'd blow your fucking head off but I can't be arsed dealing with the ramifications of guilt seeing your crying family going to jail becoming currency in prison

doesn't want to go through that currency but during a computer game I'm not going to and if I do go to prison it's a fucking cutscene I just get past it some fucking dweebs

in this game are just like no I'll be an honest and fair man what are you doing in real life aye

yeah I know people in graphic designers always used to like follow the rules of the road follow the lights I know someone used to follow the lights oh stop at traffic lights

aye fucking get out of the car hit old people across the road aye that's a psycho that's that scares me more

like if that's what you do in the game I'm like right that means you're doing whatever your real fantasy is in real life the reason I'm murdering people in this video game is because I'm not allowed to murder people in real life I'm getting all my kicks out here I'm drowning preachers in a river I'm ruining father son

building activities all the things I want to do in my day to day life if you're playing fucking Red Dead Redemption, right, and just occasionally going out and just pouring out little cups

of water for dogs, stray dogs that you see, how many dogs have you killed in real life? The fuck, like a PlayStation game, a hacksaw ridge. Not for me.

Yeah, no, no, no. Can I just be a medic? Yeah, yeah. I want to play Medal of Honor, but can I just, can I just stand outside the UN being like, I know I'm not pretty. Fucking Call of Duty Vietnam,

but you're just one of the hippies at Woodstock. Just the whole game's you painting shitty little fucking posters, shoving flowers in the ends of guns, listening to the Beatles. No, I had flowers in the ends of guns, but I don't. No, I had flowers in the ends of guns, but I don't know.

That's all the DLC. I just, you know what? You've got your fantasies. It's the same thing. I would also see people that just like, see if you're like a grown adult, right?

You've been into porn for a while. The type of porn you watch. It's just like real, plain missionary stuff. I'm like, where are the bodies? Where are the bodies in real life why are you

toning it if you've toned it down online well I haven't seen this in a while I know just cleansing

the palate like a bit of ginger after some real fucking wasabi based sushi cheers I think it's sick check the hard drives

check the hard drives that's always a what was that was that UFC fighter yeah my favourite go to that was

check the hard drives it's Kenny it's Kenny I can't believe nobody got that I thought everyone did yeah

our favourite quote is from Black Mirror season 3 episode 1 spoiler alert it's the one with shut up and drive

yeah it wasn't the first one second or anything yeah it's the one with the, Shut Up and Drive, yeah, it wasn't the first one, second I think, but I don't know, whatever, yeah, it was the one with the, pedo kid, where the,

yeah, but at the end of it, you find out that, what the pony was watching, was filmed, was child porn, and just his mum shouts, down the phone,

kids Kenny, and whenever somebody, makes a pedo joke around us, all we do is shout, kids Kenny, and it makes us laugh, for a brief moment in time, and who's that hurting,

I ask you. Yeah. One of the kids, probably. Actually. Just the director, if you saw it. Yeah.

Just to be serious. Yeah, it was meant to be sad. Could you boys not laugh at that bit, please? Have you ever played, because I remember,

Fable was another game. Did you ever play Fable? No. Fable was another game where you could choose to be good or bad. With Fable, I understood why people

were good, right? Because if you were bad, you got like big ass horns and loads with Fable I understood why people were good right because if you were bad you got like big ass horns and loads of fire powers but if you were good you got wings and you like glowed and stuff and you got good based powers

so there was like alright yeah it was like okay there's different benefits to being good but in fucking Red Dead Redemption no just fucking

sitting there shaving oh I don't oh I don't know I'm not gonna eat I don't wanna eat animals it's not a game for vegans like yeah

you can literally skin these animals alive and more importantly look at the horse's testicles grow cold water

you can't flick them in the testicles so it doesn't have anything oh okay I did one because that would be it would have

taken with the amount of programming they've put into everything in Red Dead Redemption it would take nothing with the amount of programming they've put into everything in Red Dead Redemption it would take nothing else for them to just have a thing where you can just walk up

behind your horse like with your fingers just ready to pick and you just pick at the testicle and it's just an instant kill right the horse just

blocks click L3 just ah that's that respawn that's that respawn that's that alright so what was

your muggle corner would you stick those both in mine was fucking oh if you change your fucking twitter name to

spooky alright spooky shite then you're a muggle outside of Halloween it'd be even weirder alright and then if you

put a little ghost beside it a little ghost emoji sorry my grandad died weak so it does make sense and my one was if you play

a good character I'm going to make it just for Red Dead because I think some other well no fuck it we'll do it across the board Kai's not here

to argue with me who gives a shit I always play good characters on video games you dweebs fucking paying your fines on Grand Theft Auto do you have any gigs

coming up most of them in Scotland because I'm here now you live here yeah I'm in Scotland well I'm in now you live here yeah I'm in Scotland well I'm in the

the stand every night until Wednesday right and I'm in the weekend after when I'm back from holiday

I'm in the stand in Glasgow for the weekends as well are you on with Martin Ellison then I think so well he

he said he's there but that could be just him going oh I'll be there aye aye fucking all my true dates are sold out

Okay cool I mean they're not There's some We're released more from London and Manchester Go on the website I'm very high at the moment I can't be arsed Just fucking go on my website

It's all there Like I don't I don't If you can't Google it You don't deserve to come to the fucking show Like I'm That's Yeah

Right you've got your dad jokes Oh here we go Jesus Your dad handed in Red Dead Redemption 2 because you couldn't play as a horse he's like I bought this saddle for nothing your dad uses a Fitbit to track running away from his gay thoughts your dad cleans his glasses with his tongue

While he's still waiting them Oh fuck Your dad picks a daisy to decide on divorcing from your mum Your dad walks sideways like a crab Your dad can't like a crab. Your dad can't sleep facing the window. He says laying down is easier. Your dad moisturises his sense of humour because it's so dry.

I like that one. Your dad smacks his own arse when he's wanking getting y'all's giddy up before bed every night your dad brushes his teeth and undresses himself with his eyes

sleeps fully clothed undresses himself with his eyes your dad got a blood transfusion from a gay person and got AIDS both unrelated incidences that was real talk

and real life your dad puts on a limp at the post office your dad asks Is that ACDC after what every song is Callie Ray James ACDC Your dad can tell the age of a bottle of wine

By how sexually attracted to it he is This one's got me full mass 10 years old French Your dad tries to avoid the cracks in the path in his car. Your dad brushes his teeth

by holding the brush and holding the brush still and shaking his head. Just says it's more efficient. Your dad heats his condoms in the microwave. Your dad had to wear a lampshade after he got his nipple pooed. Oh, God.

Your dad goes speed eating because it combines his two favourite things, women and drugs. Your dad used to get you to drink spilled milk off the carpet by putting you in the walls of Jericho. Fuck, I haven't heard about the walls of Jericho in a while. You haven't spilled in a while. Your dad's only allowed to play the PlayStation for an hour and then he has to go outside.

I have one more to say. Oh, do you? Go ahead. It's actually because I remember someone doing it. When your dad sees a sign that says Roadworks ahead, he goes, oh, I certainly hope so. Whenever you're down to the place of slow chums and he goes, oh, rude. Oh, fuck. All right, well, well there you go there's your fucking podcast

I'll see you soon bye say bye