Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.12 Conversation Starters

Episode Date: November 8, 2018

After a three day break in the tour and from each other Muggins and Cream fly to Belfast to kick off the second half, this episode is a masters degree in the art of opening conversations with strangers at parties. You will find yourself the life and soul of every soiree you attend with the education you are about to receive. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Awww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11

Daniel Sloss and Kai Humphries back on the road two old dogs up to new tricks kicking up what did you fart for

let's do an intro sorry go I thought it was I was actually preparing it for fanfare you know how like the old

when they have fucking jesters you know back in medieval times whenever the king was about to make an announcement it would be like

a fanfare trumpet I just he got the jitters just went I got the jitters beforehand those mates left so keep going though I am looking to cream on the road two friends kicking around on the road so we're back semantics we're back, semantics, we're back on this. He's anti-semantic. Trump started that. Well, not started it, but he wrote it back. Anti-semantism.

So we're in Belfast. Belfast, Belfurious. And why? It's another one of those. And we've just finished the European tour, had a couple of days off Just Give each other a chance

To miss each other Aye Absence makes the heart grow fonder It does But also Out of sight Out of mind Out of body

So So we We went our separate ways You played Red Dead Redemption For three days Oh man It's so good And locked Snunky in a cupboard

I've looked at so many Shrinking bars Horse testicles We went our separate ways. You played Red Dead Redemption for three days. Oh, man, it's so good. And locked Snunky in a cupboard. I've looked at so many shrinking bars. Aye. Horse testicles. I thought you were playing the game. In the game. And I went back to London to see my wife. What's her face?

Spent time on her birthday. Aye. And we went to see Liam. Oh, was it her birthday? It was her birthday on Monday. Oh, whoops. Happy birthday, Natalie. Sorry, I forgot about it. Oh, fuck aye. Oh, whoops. Happy birthday, Natalie. Sorry, I forgot about it. Oh, fuck it.

Natalie, happy birthday. But in my defence, Natalie, the reason I forgot your birthday is because you didn't remind me that it was your birthday. So that's not my fault. Every week before my mum's birthday and two weeks before my dad's,

I get a text from my mum going, it's my birthday next week. It's your dad's birthday in two weeks or whatever. And who remains here six years later? Oh, she does. Every time. And actually actually it was her fault for having a birthday close to the release date of Red Dead Redemption when you're clearly busy oh yeah I mean that is on her so um we went to Les Miserables oh less miserables less miserable the miserables no I could be less miserable the miserables the only way I could be less miserable is if I wasn't watching it so it's a

it's a silly concept this show it's I no the show is people singing words that aren't well sometimes it's to a song

but sometimes it's just singing the words that they're going to say anyway even if it wasn't a song which is an absolute I like musicals this isn't even a song anymore but I'm going to sing

what I'm saying I hate it so much I enjoy musicals. This isn't even a song anymore, but I'm going to sing what I'm saying. I hate it so much. I enjoy musicals. Moana is fucking great. All the other musicals are real good. I've seen Will Rocky, that's good. I've seen Book of Mormon, that's good. I know there's other musicals out there

that I would absolutely enjoy. I'd probably enjoy Hamilton, right? But I'm going to put it out there, I enjoyed it. Did you? Yeah, but like... It's appalling. But like, I enjoyed it I

enjoyed being at the theater I enjoyed being in this ornate building with stuff happening in for you it was entertaining but like I'm not gonna say I'm a fan like it's it's it's a spectacle it's up in there not even I know I've not seen it I've only seen the movie and I'll know they'll be people like, aren't you? And I'll know there'll be people who are like, oh, well, the movie's not as good as the stage. I guarantee you, if I was sat in that fucking theatre

and everyone sang every single word, I would want to fucking kill myself. I wouldn't... I don't mind people that break out into song every now and again. Fuck it, I might join you. That's absolutely fine.

Part of the day, sometimes you've just got to sing. Nice sunrise, why not? Belt out a tune, right? But when you're talking to me, look into my eyes and say words that you normally say words don't you fucking sing at me that's an entirely unacceptable way to live your life should we sing the rest of this podcast absolutely not and they would

absolutely be rightfully fucking furious so me and brad vincent and all of the girls went to the show and uh right right that happens all happens that happens and people are just fine with it the cool that snob just said they go I but they make it great at the end so that's nice so Sam well therefore that Natalie's birthday and there was like Kirsten Soraya and Mary and Rachel and Sarah Holgate and main Brett were there and we might we managed it pregnant Brett said not to me after every song because of every song you just leave Brett said not to me after every song. The close of every song he just leaned in and went, not for me. It's so bad.

But me and Brett went through the most narrow range of emotions, right? Like there's some bits that were like sad, right? And some bits that were ecstatic, like jubilant, right? And we managed to stay in this like little narrow range of emotions. The girls went from everything, from sheer joy, like un-tampered joy, right, to absolutely devastation.

They went through this full range of emotions and I'm looking at them crying and then pretending to swing flags and shit. Five minutes later, I'm like, Les Mis is catnip for wives. It's like whatever that show does to them it doesn't it clearly doesn't

do to me right. Have you seen that episode of South Park? No. Oh maybe. Oh with the Andrew Lloyd Webber and all that. Do you respect your

bro? Yeah they just write musicals to get blowjobs from women. Oh shit yeah. Yeah I've seen that. But until now that's fucking how true it is. Yeah yeah yeah it didn't make sense to you until right then. Because I've seen that but until now that's fucking

how true it is yeah yeah yeah it didn't make sense to you until right then because I've been to musicals with Natalie before like went to Matilda and shit right

and she's there having a fucking great time but it wasn't until I saw a group of them like fucking just fawning over it and upon seeing

that reaction right they're still allowed to vote what's that about like fucking you know what I absolutely hated the narrative they're still allowed to vote. What's that about? Fucking. You know what? I absolutely hated the narrative.

And I'm still expecting to hold doors for them. I thought Hillary Clinton would make a much better president than Donald Trump. I don't think she's that. Until you went to Les Mis with her. Aye, and then after that, I'm like, you know what?

They are unstable creatures. You cannot let a harp make you feel that emotions. Like, that's a fucking defect. Imagine something like that can affect your life and your mood so greatly. That's not rational thought. It's not. A bunch of people singing every word makes you cry. Fucking reset yourself.

So this happened right anyway happy birthday Natalie glad you had a good day I had a lovely time by the way did you get a blowjob out of it got a shag

no on her birthday second best imagine on her birthday I come in it's time for your birthday blowjob got my cock out

she's like, once a year. Oh, I've been saving up. But the blowjob wasn't for Les Mis, she bought those tickets. Did she? On her birthday? You're a shite husband, Mike. You made her buy tickets. I didn't make her.

But you let her on her I didn't make her but you let her on her fucking she invited us mate that's appalling was that Steve Smug nah

nah that's a dick move I'll tell you about Steve remind me of the fucking Louis Theroux documentary I'll tell you what fucking Steve Smug Louis Theroux patronises prostitutes

my favourite no it's a new one anyway so you're telling me at some point during Natalie's birthday

she's going to buy tickets for Les Mis and you just and you just see her get her purse out of her bag walk up to the fucking

counter to buy them you see her talk to the fucking cashier and she's give me tickets to Les Mis please also

also also it's my birthday and the whole time your wallet's just snug as a rug in your back pocket. She booked them online. Right. I haven't wired or anything. She bought me a ticket.

I still haven't paid for mine. It's his daughter's new. I still haven't paid for mine. It was her fucking birthday. And you didn't pay for any of it. You're a fucking shite husband. It's three months in that's appalling

I got a you're gonna you're gonna love it as well when you say it I got a a book that was it it was a

it was the Lionel Messi annual I got her a book that I made online, right? And fucking, man, this stressed me out so hard because I did it at one of the hotels in Europe. So I was on hotel Wi-Fi and made a book made up of all of the photos from the wedding,

but not a select few of the photos, like fucking 440 of them, like the ones that I got. So it's like a massive 440-page book of photos from the wedding nailed it, top corner but then also you went to the theatre you let her buy you wine

she took you out of town on her birthday but I gave her the book after that so she didn't have that at the time she just thought she thought because the present hadn't arrived so she took me to the theatre not having had a gift yet but I knew the gift wasn't arrived. So she took me to the theatre and I haven't had a gift yet. But I knew the gift wasn't going to arrive

so I bought some other gifts. So she thought her birthday presents were done. Apart from that, I thought it was a surprise. I thought, why? I mean, it went better than I'm making it out. Right. No, I mean, I don't believe you at all. I bought her some headphones.

Fucking. And you just fucking listened listen to them I wore them during the amazing it's not for me now I don't like it just singing Moana songs and I got a chest of drawers from Oliver Bonas and Al because nothing says romance like storage solutions a chest of drawers? It's all the jewellery I didn't buy. Like an ornate chest of drawers. But when you say chest of drawers, I'm thinking something big. I'm thinking like a chest of... No, it's like a jewellery drawer, but it's like Oliver Bonas does nice stuff.

Bonas? Yeah, it is. Is that his name? Oliver Bonas. Fuck, of course he makes furniture. He bullied into carpentry. Like Jesus. that's fucking course he makes furniture Jesus also got a one of them loomy lights I'll explain please don't my imagination's way better

and so what it does it's got a sunset and sunrise so when you go to bed it's like a later room up with natural light. And then as you're sleeping, like the half an hour, first half hour of sleep, it fades to like a sunset color and then to nothing. And then in the morning it starts waking you up half an hour before the alarm goes off, which is rude. Starts raising the sunrise and then it's like

chirping birds and that. So I got out of it. So she can get out of bed, store some stuff. And then just your fucking dad sat on the fucking bedside table crowing like a fucking cockerel. So yeah, we had a nice time for our birthday

and I nailed it with a gift. You did it. No, no, no. Dude, you can pitch it how you want. Dude, she liked the gift. She said, through tears, you wouldn't have liked them but I know my audience

I wouldn't I wouldn't have bought fucking Les Mis tickets I didn't so mate before I forget let me get on to this 9-11

right 9-11 where were you watching Les Mis right I don't know how to tell you this I'm going to tell you this way he's put on a mask right

he's got two sock puppets Cosette was played by a black girl who Cosette in what the daughter in Les Mis

in Les Mis right she's played by a black girl which was Hermione played by a black girl? Aye. Right, that's cool. Well, no, Hermione was...

This happens, right? It should happen. Hermione was black. Hermione was black, so she was played by a black girl. They talk about Idris Elba becoming James Bond. Fucking, why not? The character can do exactly the same fucking things.

Aye. It makes no difference to the plot, to the narrative, to anything, right? It wouldn't either in Les Mis had the first half of the show Cosette not been played by a seven-year-old white girl. After the interval, it come back ten years later. Yeah.

A seven-year-old white girl has now been played by a 17-year-old black girl. I don't see what your problem is. Like, why couldn't I have that puberty? That would be interesting, if you just, once you got to, once have that puberty like man that would be that would be interesting like if you just like once you got to like once you started

hitting puberty you just got to like you know when you play computer games and like you start off in one class and then it branches off into other ones

after like level 10 or some shit just have that in life just to get to 10 years old and go reshuffle aye I'm gonna do the rest

of this Chinese you're doing well actually aye I think it's because of the weed I reckon so so yeah

it's just a real bad casting there's not a there's no ethical quandary in it right there's just the like if all of a sudden

she had a birthmark on her face that would be like but she didn't have a birthmark when she was a kid however you developed a birthmark it's face, that would be like, but she didn't have a birthmark when she was a kid, however you developed a birthmark. It's just a bad casting.

Aye. I mean, bad casting is just fucking wrong. Well, maybe, maybe, maybe the bit that they didn't mention was maybe she was actually born black, but like in her early years was just really just whited up all the time because it wasn't offensive back then to white up. No, it was a different time back then. Different time, wasn't it?

It was 10 years ago. And you're right, but she obviously different time back then. Different time, right? It was 10 years ago. And you were allowed to white up, but she obviously grew out of her, you know, rebellious phase of just whiting up and putting on a French accent. Oh, Sacrebleu baguettes. She was a real,

she was a real... Linguist. Linguist. Linguistics Italian. Do you know where the first time I went to Les Mis? Oh my God. I'd done loads of research on the

French Revolution because I thought you needed to have a bit of an education. So I had learned. Right, right. I watched loads of documentaries. You thought to see Les Mis you had to have a bit of an education and you went to see it with Marie and Soraya and

Nick Cody's also seen it. Yeah, the real bookworms. Real poindexters of a friendship group. Squares. Squares. No, keep going. You're making a point.

I have to poindexter squares. I'm making a point of what? Oh, yeah, I think the point expired. I thought I had to do my research on the French Revolution and then you hit the nail on the head you don't. You can be stupid and watch it. turns out, it's just people singing. Fucking hell, that's... You know any other, Mike?

I can't, I'm too... I'm lying down. Well... It's what you've been doing. Oh, right, literally through one. I'll tell you, fucking Team Smug, right. So I'm watching this Lutheran documentary, right, And it's about polyamory. And a cracker. Right. So polyamory is like when you have multiple partners

and you love people. Sclerosis. Ah, multiple sclerosis. That's polyamory. Polyamory. Some of them made some decent arguments. They were in open relationships and stuff like that and they made interesting arguments I'd not thought before.

They were like, you know what, I don't think you have a finite amount of love to give. I think it's infinite. I think you don't love... If you have three kids, you don't love them different amounts or whatever. So why is it such an alien concept to love three people the same amount?

I was like, oh, well, that's an interesting way of looking at it. Because, hang on, can I just rebuttal to that one well because that's not like an open relationship that's like you've got three kids that can love you all the same but like could them kids then start just loving other parents the same yeah would your parent not be like hey that's jamie's dad but they but they would but these people would also say yes like they grew up like they grew up like the communes and stuff where they've got multiple parents and stuff yeah so they would say yes i I'm not saying it's something I agree with. I'm not even saying it's something I disagree with.

It's just not. That's something I've looked. So it keeps going on and on. We just find it fucking interesting. Some of it seems good. Like, man, you get to fuck multiple girls. You get to fuck multiple guys at some point. Like, imagine raising, like, a kid amongst, like, five people.

You're like, that fucking cuts my job in half. That's decent. I'd much rather raise a child in a commune situation. Yeah. Because I mean that's when Maxwell and Soraya have got Mahalia in our group dynamic, we look after that child. I'll take it. I don't say we raise it, we'll mind the child.

But that's how ancient tribes work, that's how tribes work. All this is going on, right? And then they start doing more modern ones. And there's one, and honestly, if you want team smug uh it's both of the people in this relationship so there's this woman that's married to a guy and if there's any polyamorous people who think what i'm saying is ignorant please feel free to correct me but here's what i've deduced and there's also just my opinion so fucking grow up um so there's this woman she's married to a guy and they're polyamorous right but she's got another partner who's a guy who's also and they're polyamorous right but she's got another partner who's a guy who's also married

in a polyamorous relationship now the guy the husband of the woman is not in one right so it's just his wife

is fucking another dude and the same with that guy's wife her husband's just fucking another dude and both of them seem absolutely fucking fine with it

they're like so they're like a Venn diagram yeah it's a Venn diagram it's like the guy and gal on this end of the Venn diagram are monogamous to the polyamorous couples who are fucking each other. Yeah, yeah.

But both partners have like... They're cooks. No, no, but both of them being like, you know, we've been in polyamorous relationships before. I'm not going out and forcing one to happen. They come across naturally. But at the moment in time, it's a Venn diagram. And the woman of the husband in the polyamorous relationship,

she'd be like, it's real good, because he's got a higher sex drive than I do. And I don't want to have sex with him all the fucking time. She's got a much higher sex drive. He's still at home. He's still the fucking father of my child. I still love him. We still have sex.

But just occasionally, once a month, he goes and has lots of sex with her and gets went away. But they're not watching Netflix series and stuff. but just occasionally like once a month he goes and has lost his sex with her and gets went away and he's so it's all very funny but they're not watching like Netflix series and stuff like that they're just like

they're just so notes they're not like no no they're absolutely they're watching series together like it's entirely so she can get her head

around that as well not just he's fucking that dude but like he's spending like emotion on that girl and she's absolutely fine with it

because she's like I don't want all of his happiness to just be on me like i don't want that fucking responsibility just to be the only one that makes me happy i want to so it's interesting right and they all seem genuinely happy except for the husband of the girl does not seem fucking uh is it gritted teeth it's not gritted teeth like it's just the way and maybe i'm reading too much into it right maybe it's just because at the time he wasn't a polyamorous relationship so i was i was projecting right it could easily be that but part of me was like i don't think you're fully into this buddy you just say yeah i'm okay with this i'm fine yeah but i'm just like that guy and that girl in the polyamorous relationship right is if you here's a really good way of

looking at it fucking those are team smug right two team smug guys just this guy comes around to your house and just goes hey mate it's my turn to fuck your wife so can I have the master bedroom this evening also just like I'll have breakfast and then when he's

done he's like yeah yeah baby I'm just fucking Susan I'll be home in a minute he goes I can't drop the kid off

at the school today I've got to go fuck that other woman that is team smug it is team smug but it's like every action has

an equal and opposite reaction they are team not to smoke the two other partners but they have also been in polyamory

I don't know I don't know if I ever did I think it works in theory but whenever I'm watching I'm just like

I just I trust myself not to get jealous but it's the other men that my wife's fucking I'll be like you're gonna get

jealous of me because I'm vastly superior I mean I think I'd psychologically be able to be in a polyamorous relationship but if me and Natalie did it then she would just be shagging loads

I'd be on the pole coming home dejected it's not about shagging it's about falling in love with other people so I mean even then she's got you beat

but now because you'd want it to be a level playing field yeah oh and I think so I don't think we meet

other polyamorous fucking people they're like you know I don't think they're picky they might be again they didn't go into it

too much but this brings us next to what I wanted to do now you know how I fucking hate your damn core past and a core to which we found the source of that because I always claimed that I am I didn't know where it came from but it wasn't main it was from American Gods so this is very very muckley right so good if one of this false flag can go into muggle

corner be my fucking suggestion because I've actually seen somebody do this at a party I have two websites open right now one is called 250

quality conversation starters oh no right no right what are examples oh

but and I'll do the second one second let's see how that works so I'll just go random right if you had to change your name what would your new name be oh no I'll do the second one in a second. Let's see how that works. So, I'll just go random, right?

If you had to change your name, what would your new name be? Oh, no. What would it be? That's how people want to start chatting when there's a party. So, I'm in a party and someone comes up and says, if you could change your name, what would your new name be?

What would it be? Fucking, it wouldn't be Pickles. Wouldn't be Pinsir. Thunderlips. Muggins 2. Thunderlips Muggins 2 Thunderlips Thunderlips was the name of Hulk Hogan's character in Rocky 3

what would your new name be I'm going to go through a lot of these right come on start multiple conversations so what's like your guilty pleasure

are you that guy from earlier about the name no no he just followed me around this. Are you a journalist? He didn't have a moustache and I've got this moustache. Oh, you look like someone. Sorry. How quick can you grow moustaches?

That's my evil twin brother. What was the question, sorry? What's your guilty pleasure? I might as well put on fake moustaches and pretend I'm a people. what's my guilty pleasure I might just put on fake moustaches and pretend I'm not a big boy what is my guilty pleasure

these aren't good conversation starters the things that make you like you know when you've got to access your brain and then you come up with nothing but I guess that's what like when you draw a blank

I guess that's what it is like I mean like yeah they're good conversations and they make you think it's more I'll be honest with you right if a fucking hairdresser asked me some of these above like how's your day where you're going to fucking holiday shit I'd, like, yeah, they're good comics and they make you think. It's more... I'll be honest with you, right? If a fucking hairdresser

asked me some of these above, like, how's your day, where are you going on a fucking holiday show, I'd be like, no, if a taxi driver did it, I'd be stumped.

See if a taxi driver just turned around... If a taxi driver said, what's your guilty pleasure? I'd be like, let me out now, you fucking mad cunt. But if you turn...

What are you going to do? Are you taking us? But if a taxi driver... You know what? With some of these, you're right. If a taxi driver turned around and said to me, what do you fear Why are you taking us? But if it's actually, you know what, with some of these, you're right, if it's actually, if I were to turn around

and said to me, what do you, what do you fear is hiding in the dark? I'd be like, what? What have you got in the boot? Hold on,

right, so, so what, what, what do you fear is hiding in the dark? Why? Like,

you know, if you're scared of the dark, yeah, what are you scared of? What do you think is in the dark? What manifests in his brain? If you're thinking about it, you know when you're scared of the dark What are you scared of? What's manifesting in his brain? If you're scared of the dark, what are you scared of? Shadows

Mine says wolves If I'm out in the forest and it's dark Wolves, and if it's dark at home Wolves with house keys Oh no, and if I haven't got a house key Lungs with lungs That was the joke, they're going to blow the house down. Off with a puff.

All right. You know what? I gave you the ingredients of the joke. You just put it together yourself. All right. Kai's famously called the IKEA comedian. There's a bit missing. You can't spell IKEA without Kai.

You can't? Can't. You can't? You can't? No, hold on. You'll have a spare ear. Like, I've got a spare ear. Where's this meant to go? I didn't say you can bring a little thing no hold on you'll have a spare A like I've got a spare A where's this meant to go I didn't say

I didn't say you can bring other things to the tie party but where's this A meant to go surely I've it was oh I get it sorry we've got so much

chemistry me and you oh god here we go quick start conversation what cartoons did you watch as a child? Salad Fingers. What did you call me? That was your question earlier.

If you could change your name to anything, it's not going to be. It just took us a while. I saw it. Also, if you see the guy with the moustache, tell him Salad Fingers. It's my guilty pleasure. What the fuck is Salad Fingers? You know that cartoon, the fucking salad fingers hey no that

cartoon the fucking really creepy noncy cartoon no it's on YouTube where it's fucking touches the rust it's touching a rusty spoon and just getting excited about the texture of rust you've never seen salad fingers what you're doing now I'm looking good oh maybe I have seen Oh God in fact remember that is nightmarish though guys do your homework go watch seen salad fingers? What are you doing now? Oh, I'm looking at Google. Oh, maybe I have seen... Oh, God. I don't remember. That is nightmarish, though. Guys, do your homework. Go watch salad fingers.

That's also... You know the question earlier, what you're scared of finding in the dark? What? Salad. Imagine you're just rooting around for food

in the dark and you just find lettuce. All right. I just want to find out what your wife is. That's a cruchette. That's what we should call... That's my cruchette.

That's what we should call carrot buttons from now on. What? Salad fingers. Can I have some hummus and salad fingers, please? that's a courgette that's what we should call that's what we should call carrot buttons from now on what salad fingers can I have some hummus and salad fingers please right

do you want to get on to the second ones so that was just standard conversation starters but sometimes you don't want just you don't just want

conversation starters once you've gone through the 250 we can just repeat the same conversation starters people think you're dull that's not going to get many friends so we just need to have a second people think you're dull that's not going to

get many friends so obviously you need to have a second list maybe you're quirky maybe you'd like to find out where the funny questions to ask list the funny questions to ask

at a party the same party yeah same party so this is like take both lists alright take both lists put one in each pocket you've introduced yourself

to everyone at this party with the fucking real interesting questions to ask right everyone knows you they're like is that the real the guy that asks all the interesting questions do you mean him or his brother with the fucking real interesting questions to ask right everyone knows you they're like is that the real the guy that asked

all the interesting questions do you mean him or his brother with the moustache no the same guy anyway different thing

well what's he got next what's up his sleeve next I'll tell you what it is what movie would be greatly improved if it was made

into a musical Les Mis see if Les Mis was an actual musical where it was like you know not singing the whole fucking time

might be decent what song would be a good musical no no no what movie would be greatly improved if made into a musical em

Black Hawk Down Black Hawk Down would be good eh Dread well Judge Dread aye Executioner

Lord of the Rings they probably have made that into a musical probably some fucking nerds yeah what about Apocalypto because there's no

there's no words in the whole film if animals could talk which would be the rudest the rudest aye would you reckon if they could talk I would be the rudest the rudest aye would you reckon if they could talk

I reckon cats yeah that was the first thing I thought of but you never say the first thing you mug oh clearly kites

actually humans humans I think yeah oh man I think that muggly thing

you're going they say the sharks the world's deadliest animals but humans are that's what he just did good bet about that he does

I've never seen him never heard of him what animal do you reckon would be the rudest the rudest animal probably like a fly

because it's always on the wall so it knows that you're sick it's just fucking like buzz and run like fucking just bashing off your window

do you reckon it was actually savouring things do you reckon I reckon being more bashful I'm really sorry to do this mate I'm fucking stuck in this house I'm trying to land I'm just trying to land I swear to god I can see outside right I reckon flies are quite apologetic yeah

there's a force field mate I didn't I know I know I didn't but the thing was you opened up that other wood thing

came through there I was like man you've got flowers in here I don't know if there's flowers inside they're made of plastic that's weird so do you think

they'd be a knife no I just reckon they're polite I reckon they're embarrassed I reckon they're rude I think they're very British I reckon rude animals would be like fucking

eh what do you think would be rudest you know what flamingos people love their dogs but I reckon rude animals would be like fucking eh. What do you think would be rudest? You know what? Flamingos. People love their dogs but I reckon dogs would just be like

here, take this for a wag. Nah. Here, get some food. What are you having? What have you got there? What's that?

Can I have some? Can I have some of that? Who's that? Who's that? Who's that? Here, give the ball back. I was playing with that.

I was. Well, I knew it. I put it there. I was going to get it at some point back I was playing with that I was well I knew I put it there I was going to get it at some point put the ball I was playing with it

I don't think dogs I reckon cats because fucking mate that with dogs right where they're not playing with a ball and then you pick the ball up and all of a sudden

they're like oh fucking mine that's the rudest shit what you do the childishness of just going nah gives it you think but you weren't

using it but I don't no no first of all I don't no no first of all I don't think dogs would do that dogs are like you pick up a toy and they're like

oh my god you're ready to play they're not mad that you took the thing if it's ready to play just give it the ball right and watch it just fuck off and put it in the corner

right cock no just sort of podcast listeners you know just if this sways your decision in the future

when we're selling badges of who you want to badge on a bike just remember the Kyle Humphries hates dogs I don't I just hate your dog

no I don't have a dog no I'm talking to the listener oh right you hate dogs across the board you do yeah some of them win us over

right if I could walk up to your dog's ball pick it up and your dog's just like I have a shot why do you want to play with the dog's ball in this situation? I mean, that's irrelevant. That's not.

That's absolutely irrelevant to the point. Nah, if you came up to me and you're like, oh, can I borrow that? Can I borrow that? What for? I'm not telling you. Well, no then. I want to know what you'd do.

Can I borrow your phone? Aye, sure, for what? Right, let's just suppose it's my ball. It does the same thing it acts the same oh well that's fair dick move nah it's asking you

to play with it it's never it doesn't it's like gan throw that why do you hate dogs right because even when

they're nice they lick your face you're like actually too nice they can't win with us they can't win with us you They can't win with us. You're the most loving man in the world. Is that why? Is it because you see them as competition? No, I think it's because... Wait, no, it's because some dogs hate other dogs and

you're the human equivalent of a dog. No, some of them love us. Some of them are jumping up on my legs, trying to hump it. I'm like, what is that? You're humping me leg. Seriously. Seriously. And when I do that in the shops, I get took outside and tied to a lamppost. You hate dogs? I don't hate them. I just don't need them. I mean, that's the same as hating them.

I feel like it's that unconditional love you get off a dog isn't necessary to me. I'm sound. What about the unconditional love you get off your parents? Like when people are like, come home and my dog's lovers and you're like you gotta get a dog

to love you I get that I don't think it's a fucking replacement but then again like I just want to see you can hate dogs as vehemently

as you hate dogs I just think you can't censor them your dog would love you if you fucked a kid tell me that's a fucking good guy I don't think

a dog would. Dogs are true. They would if you fucking went in. If you went in and done some kid fucking, come back in, your dog would jump up like, what's for dinner, dickhead? Because he's none the wiser.

Not because he's okay with you fucking kids. But even if you whisper anything, I guess where I've just been. Your dog would just lick your face, man. Fucking, I love you, man. I think the same way like if you were to go to fucking France

and just be like in a joey accent talking about how you sexually assaulted someone that doesn't make the French people assholes for not turning in if you fucking

came in front of your dog it would it absolutely would jump in oh you seem to know that's why I don't have a dog dogs are they walk out on you

it had enough of your shit no dog absolutely who's tippin yeah some of them are right like right I don't know how to put it right some dogs

come up to you when you're walking in the street sniff you and you're like are you being nice or are you a boot of tackers so you and you're like are you being nice are you boot attackers so you've just got that thing of like what's your intentions dog but dog's never gonna bite you you go to someone's house and the dog jumps up with you and you're like oh i've got

to put on this act again and going down who's a boy but that's really for you i just find it interesting that you think that's an act like i'm happy to see a dog i'm like yeah like that's better than people i so am i after not like jumping up at you like if i see a fucking dog. I'm like, fucking yeah. Like, that's better than people. I don't... So am I, if they're not, like, jumping up at you. Like, if I see someone's dog, and I'm like, oh, that dog looks pretty good. It's not overstepping my boundaries. And I'm going, how are you talking?

And the dog looks at us like... I see it touches and whacks off. I'm like, I want that one. Like, I've got to build a relationship with that dog. I don't just have this fucking nonsense. Oh, okay. It's like, oh, the person who feeds us is here. Whoa! I get that. I don't like untrained dogs. I don't just have this fucking nonsense it's like oh the person who feeds this is here whoa

I get that I don't like untrained dogs I don't like people that like I'd like to make friends with a dog my dog Sooty my mum is the best

at training fucking dogs her thing is like very much like the dog's a dog but it's I'm sorry if it's the wrong fucking thing

but it's lower down it's not an equal in the fucking family you treat it nice you don't fucking put shit to it but our dog doesn't jump up it doesn't fucking thing but it's lower down it's not an equal in the fucking family you treat it nice you don't fucking put your shit to it but our dog doesn't jump up it doesn't fucking bite

if it does jump up it's fucking given in trouble like all that it's not allowed in certain rooms in the house it's not allowed on the fucking bed the dog's got boundaries

and it respects the boundaries your dog's never given me any hassle your mum and dad's dog fucking sewn by me right fine yeah so you don't like

untrained dogs mate I just think like a lot of dogs are like people where like occasionally you'll come across class ones but most of them

are fucking muggles I do think yeah I mean all dogs are muggles like that's that's entirely fair all dogs absolutely

are muggles but I just don't get the like like the I'm going to run in circles. I'm just going to say the same stuff I've already said. I'm chasing my tail. What inanimate object do you wish you could eliminate from existence?

Dogs. Dogs. Oh, wasn't it your dad said about what's the difference between a dog and a wolf not feeding it oh yeah

because then it becomes a wolf again only tamed it because it wants you for food what inanimate object if you could

eliminate an inanimate object what would you get rid of erm modems would you get rid of? Modems. I don't know.

These are conversation enders. Nah. These are absolute conversation enders. We stopped for a solid 15 minutes there. We had a full conversation based off that one. What was the question?

The rudest one. You might be right. I've got evidence. Hold on. a solid 15 minutes there we had a full conversation based off that one what was the question in Rudis I didn't say aye you might be right but you're not I've got evidence hold on are you pitching these to us as a good thing

that you're going to use and do nah I'm just saying I'm not ready to is this why are you putting this in your fucking armoury for next time you're at a party

nah I'm not for a party but it's just on the podcast maybe sometimes you run out of things to say I never do nah but only a quarter past a quarter to the hour oh close

three minutes off there so what would you eliminate what an animal object what would you fucking where do I not need in my life alright or in other people's lives

that's interesting because the way I would look at this I was like what do other people enjoy crutches just not for any self gain other people enjoy that crutches just to fuck

just not for any self game just to fuck people over ramps that sounded like a Tony but I

you know what I didn't even make the connection with disabilities I was like what's he got against people with BMX's so this is a like I hate to add a hypothetical layer I was like, what's he got against people with BMXs?

So this is a, like, I hate to add a hypothetical layer, like a buzzkill layer to this. No, no, it's a conversation. But you're like, if, you know, you say like eliminate crutches. You could still like get some makeshift crutches. No, no, I'm eliminating the concept of crutches nobody can even conceive it I can't work it out

you can't you can't even think to just get a stick to balance with anything not even grab the back

of the chair your friends can't even pick you up they can't even imagine the idea of it they're like

well I guess he's stuck on the floor let's hope that heals quick what's degenerate errr suitcases

just everyone going through airports carrying their stuff in their arms shit aye suitcases and bags get rid of them I just want to make life

more difficult for people I'm going to say whistles just because I want to watch my first game of football and be surprised at what they did I'm kind of say whistles just because I want to watch my first game of football and be surprised at what they did I'm kind of a live match

right I'll eliminate whistles by taking by taking stop stop stop guys

stop guys I shouted stop guys car right kick off go

come over here you're off yeah that's your first warning but only a verbal one but it's also a yellow card but given verbally I can see how this is confusing

the first couple of games they tried clapping but like the audience just confused everything just the linesman running down near all the fans and the linesman's just going

because the linesman can't just shout offside because everyone in the stadium is also going to shout offside the referee's going toman's just going because the linesman can't just shout offside because everyone in the stadium is also going to shout offside the referee's going to

be able to sing with the voices so the linesman's got to put on a silly voice while he shouts offside can I ask you something do you think

lanesmen have whistles because in that bit you definitely thought lanesmen had a whistle and you thought there was no other way than to say put the flag up

so they do get rid of them and I'll no more countries no more racism get rid of flags all flags golf gets harder

right your cocktails are less fun you never know when you've won the formula one no bunting at fucking fairs anymore

local fets Cullen didn't know what bunting was. Didn't? Nah. Little bunty snunks. Bunting less snunks. What else would I eliminate just to fuck people up? Glasses.

Glasses and contact lenses. Can't see and drink the water through their cupped hands. That's because they can't find their glass. Because they also don't exist. That was the original bit that I submitted. I know, I know. I was retweeting it, but like with an add-on.

Thanks, mate. The chemistry between us two. The chemistry? Atoms. What? Wedding rings. I'm married prove it I don't believe you

so this kiss is fine teeth teeth are they inanimate I would say they're pretty animated do they talk to you huh do they talk to you

I mean they're part of the part of the whole package are they when I'm talking to you, I definitely get my teeth involved to some respect. Because if I didn't... So what you're saying is,

for you, right, teeth are inanimate in your mouth and they're inanimate... I'm assuming that's just tooth. If you agree that's an inanimate object. Yeah. At what point does it become inanimate? When it comes out.

So you're basically just putting the tooth fairy out of... So it loses consciousness. Yeah, you're basically putting the tooth fairy out of a job. You're saying teeth are fine until they come out and then boop and you're like, oh well. That's fair. Otherwise a tooth fairy could just break into your mouth every night. Just fucking break in, take all your teeth and just leave a tenner stuffed in your mouth. Maybe that's what happened to rappers. Maybe rappers had friends who were partying downstairs and they just put their head under the pillow.

They got big grills in dollar dollar grills I'd rather wake up with like sick grills in my mouth than bear grills I'm like who's survival is this for I'm in my house it's not the human race alright let's have one more conversation

starter because that's essentially Muggle Corner was just a conversation starter when we invented it I mean like people can tweet in and say whether this can be a bit

or they can send us conversation starters oh this is an interesting one what part of a kids movie completely scarred you a bit on a a bit on a, a bit on Shrek where they had

dragon donkey babies. And then I was like, oh fuck, there might be some like, Kai dogs kicking them

somewhere. And that's why I had to slam the dogs. Like, I wouldn't fucking dog one. You know, I'm like, most homophobes are homophobic because they're gay. That's why I just slam the dogs like I wouldn't fuck a dog most homophobes are homophobic because they're gay

that's why I hate dogs because I've got a litter of kai dogs that's always an interesting one because I totally agree with the

understanding and psychology behind homophobic people a lot of the time are repressed homosexuals because they're

repressing this side of them it's teaching them to fucking hate it and keep it away and that's manifesting itself as hating people that have the courage

to do the thing that you don't do I fully agree with that right but let's be thankful that that logic does not apply to any other form of fucking bigotry

it's not like the reason she's racist is because she's actually black she's a closet black she's deep down she's actually black. She's a closet black. She's deep down, she's actually, yeah. Yeah,

like corset. Well, they took some bigotry, I think. Oh, I guess transphobia could probably fall into that. I reckon maybe.

You're going to start transplaining again. Very good. I would say, maybe that's, you know, the reason they admittedly didn't

sexist hate women. So do you think misogynist could be closet transgender women? I mean, that's a, I wouldn't say it's a blanket statement. I think that actually comes from just years of social conditioning, actually. And the fact that women be bitches. And bitches be cray. So if you follow that logically, that means women be cray.

And that's across the board. So you're saying the crays were women. The crays were women. And that's why one of them was homosexual. And one of them was a rusty. Because why else would he love cock if he wasn't a woman? Exactly. Science.

Welcome to science corner. Right, one more oh wait did you answer that one oh yeah you did I didn't answer it what part

yeah what what children's movie scarred you for life right obvious ones would be Up Dead Wife

Bomb B Fox and the Hound I'm pretty sure one of them oh aye Fox and the Hound one of them fucking dies in it

Home and Away Homebound Homebound Homeward Bound Homeward Bound I just appreciate it Homeward Bound is pretty sad at fucking points

Home and Away can be good friends Homeward Bound you know in Home Unbound they used to just change the characters for like a different

actor yeah they were just like not in a fucking not in a corset level way but like they would just change was it fucking

Alf Ramsey Alf Roberts' wife just like all of a sudden she's someone different and they just had to say her name a million times

in the first episode that she was in so they drilled it home that's who it was. Same colour though. That's how I could keep up with the story. Is a hot dog a sandwich? Is a hot dog a sandwich? It's definitely in the family.

Right. You know? I think that is a... But like,? I think, but it's, but like, like I think, Because then it's a burger or a sandwich. That cousin's on there. You can actually get a bap,

I don't know what you call them, fucking rolls, right, you get a roll, right, now obviously if you cut that in half and you put the sausage and you put it on top,

that's probably a fucking sandwich in the way that a burger's a type of fucking sandwich, right? Right, what about if you don't? Like if I went to a different culture and they were just like, oh, do you want to have a meat patty sandwich and they give us a burger, I would be like, I guess that's of fucking sandwich. Right? Like, what about if you don't... Like, if I went to a different culture and they were just like,

oh, do you want to have a meat patty sandwich and they give us a burger? I would be like, I guess that's what it is. You're just describing it. Like, we call them burgers. Right, because of the buns. Yeah.

No. I think a hot dog, like, you know what? Like, I would just go again with a question. Like, that's got nowhere to go. Oh, okay. That's got nowhere to go unless they try and take it somewhere. they must have wrote it for a reason

we'll try and complete that one what's invisible but you wish people could see me um farts that's that's where it's leading you that's it you never see the first answer that comes into your head God that'd be good that'd be good just first of all

one so you can fucking confirm right that he's there right if you can fucking see God right he is there and then also just fucking you know how often can you see him is he actually in the sky

like if I'm in imagine he's just everywhere and you can't see anything anymore because you're just like oh now I can see God like I can't see anything anymore. Is he just like, oh, now we can see God. Like, I can't get moved for God. God is just like, get out of me fucking personal space, God. But is he in the clouds looking down?

Like, if I'm indoors, can he not see fucking anything? And he's actually quite happy with that arrangement. Or is it like a fucking HUD system, where just in the top right-hand corner of my vision at all times, it's just like, oh, the bottom right-hand corner, like God's the fucking death sign around at 3am just in the bottom corner of your vision

and just whenever you do start doing stuff that's bad he starts doing thumbs down wagging his fingers just fucking folding his arms

and so on and then other times he's just covering his fucking eyes and stuff so God is just the judgemental sign language guy

just in the corner of your fucking vision I reckon that would be a fun way to live your life. Just see if you can fucking really piss him off. Because you can win him over and stuff. Like, at points, you can just put the Bible in front of your vision and it'll be like, oh, God, not right.

He'll be reading it for like three hours, right? And he's just there, like, he's just nodding at you. You know, he just makes himself comfortable. Going, aye, that's the way. And then just halfway through like three hours into reading the bible just go and then you went

and thought I was reading it didn't you stupid little prick and he's just like properly storms off in a little half then get back yeah and as well

I was going to just revisit that if you could see farts like do you think like as they dissipate right but do you think

they'd still be like the like do you think it would yellow the air a little bit for the rest of the day you know like you'll see it move

do I reckon it would be like a fog system yeah I reckon so yeah I reckon it would be like could you prop a hot box with them do you think

oh yeah absolutely I reckon it's like a joint if we're sat in a room six like... Could you prop a hotbox with him, do you think? Oh yeah, absolutely. I reckon it's like a joint, right? If we're sat in a room, six away, right? Do you want hot away? Like farting. Right, so when I talk about farts becoming visible, the first thing you want to do is hotbox yourself in a fucking thing of fart. Aye, just to save it hotboxes.

To what end? Actually, I'm not even bothered if you can say it, should we just do it? Do you just want to sniff my ass? Are we going to do Muggle Corners? No, we're just going to put them in. We have too many conversations. Where are you going? I'm charging my e-cig.

So while he's charging his e-cig, I'll tell you where we're going next. Also that except for Jersey. We are going to Stirling on Thursday, which is today, if you're listening on the release date. And then Dundee on Friday, and then Jersey on Saturday. The other London shows sold out. There's a Manchester one not sold out yet. There's a Newcastle one not sold out yet. There's another London one not sold out yet.

You can find them all on www.danielsloss.com. And you can find, on my website, you can find my new show available to download on www.kylehumsloss.com and you can find on my website you can find my new show available to download on www.kyhumphreese.com and you can get a discount by doing forward slash muggins www.

You've been called out by a bunch of fans for saying it wrong. Somebody got real upset that I don't put the third W in and actually it explains the lack of sales nobody nobody can find a website.

www.kyhovey.com Just say triple W. Triple W. Triple W. Single K, single A, single I. Single Ky. I should have paid for those tickets. Right, get your dad jokes out.

Right, I'll hold it here. Your dad's been busy. Has he? That wasn't my first one. Hold on, that counts. Your dad doesn't mince his words, but he does mince his walk. I think you've done that one before. I did it on the WhatsApp group the other day.

Did you? Aye. I liked it then, I liked it now. God came to your dad and told him it was going to rain for 40 days and 40 nights so he bought a pedalo and two of every rubber duck

I bet he did it in the little corner of his fucking house as well he used to do it like charades and your dad my dad shit at charades he was up to his fucking

knees by the time he got it your dad your dad just tweeted every walk is a jaywalk if you're high enough. Ha ha ha, 420 plays it, RT if agreed. When your dad's fight or flight kicks in, he starts flapping his arms like he's trying to fly, but that's actually him trying to fight. Your dad got taken into custody for a hate crime after he leaked a video of him wearing a Leicester shirt,

no pants and doing the helicopter. And quite frankly, I will be hanks for it. Disgusting. Your dad listens to death metal when he's shaving his legs in the bath. Your dad's pension is all tied up in Bitcoin. Your dad sits on his laptop for five minutes so when he downloads child porn it feels like someone else is doing it.

Your dad collects and freezes his tears and then puts them in your mum's Lambrini spritzer as a passive-aggressive way of letting her know how much she hurt him when she deleted his Sky Planner back catalogue of cash in the attic. You've done that in one breath. Your dad wrote a pre-nuptial agreement on his cast and asked your mum to sign it Your dad has just patented his new design for lava shoes

These are not shoes that can walk on lava They are shoes made of lava Your dad got a W tattooed on each cheek each ass cheek and when he bends over it says wow with three O's Your dad wears an eye mask in bed

and then an eye patch across his forehead so his third eye can also get a rest. Then he wears one as a G-string for his fourth eye and one for his brown eye. Your dad's meeting two veg bulls through his trousers. Unlike his cock and balls. Your dad grows out his hair long enough to put it in his mouth and braid it.

Your dad tried to climb up a drainpipe and he was halfway up the building, but along came the rain and washed him out. Your dad's got a criminal record from the 1950s where he used to go down to the local discotheque and whistle too loudly at the broads. But he couldn't whistle, so he just kept going, Your dad can walk on water, but he has to freeze it first, and even then he gets cold

feet and doesn't bother. Your dad eats pussy with a spoon. Your dad can fit his whole fist into his mouth. That's how he shakes hands with people. Oh, fun. So that's the end of the podcast. See you soon. Right.

Oh, where's stop gone? There it is.