Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.13 Batman and Robin

Episode Date: November 11, 2018

Muggins and Cream finally tell the Ljubljana story and discover the true dynamic of the dynamic duo. Giving it to one particular set of muggles for giving it to the muggles and going over some more epic conversation starters. While high. 

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

Oh. I've got something for you. You're going to like it. I'll do it when I am. Sluss and Humphreys on the road. Sluss and Humphreys we are on the road.

Sluss and Humphreys on the road.ush and Humphreys On the road Living the dream They are straight thugging Living the dream They are straight thugging They're living the dream Muggins and cream

We are on the road Yeah, muggins and cream We are on the road You know what? On the road, yeah, Muggins and Cream, we are on the road. You know what? Three years, I actually enjoyed that one. Did you tell us never to do them again? Well, that was different.

How was it different? There was backing music, there was flair, a high. I think that's the key. Yeah, it's the key. I think the key is like a high. Man, if we get sued by the A team man it'll be after we

I know I think the last people you want to I mean it'd be good publicity wouldn't it aye first of all we've annoyed them so much

that they've come out of retirement that's insane we can't even get two left to beat even so yeah I put a little survey on

Instagram story how high we should get for this podcast and I haven't checked what the result is but I'm hoping it was

yes which is weird because the question was how high should they get and everyone answered yes

yes yes you should well it's because like I can't remember if we've mentioned the fucking the vape pens that we've mentioned the fucking, um,

the vape pens that we've got on it. But basically, I've got a really good drug dealer who I'd love to plug, but that would therefore make him not a drug dealer anymore. That would make him a picnic. Snoochers get stitches. And he's managed to basically make

this sort of marijuana e-cigs that you get in L.A. and Denver and all the sort of legal places in America. And it's fucking great. It's real good. You can get them... You can get them. You can get them. You can get them through customs.

Not that we ever would and not that we ever have, but allegedly you can get them through customs. And maybe that means that everywhere you go, you can get a high and it's real good fun. I'm really enjoying it. It's, well, we'd have to do it it now but we do have to

at one point remember this podcast to tell the Ljubljana story the Ljubljana story the European Tour is over

we've got on but I think we could have told it on day one we could have but we were paranoid we're very honest with our management

about what happened aye just in case and then they were just like oh I just don't put it online on social media or anything but right

so we're kissed aye and in Slovenia that is not allowed that is a genuine crime there that's not true but they are very backwards

so basically we'd gone out it was a there was basically a place last year when we were in Ljubljana called Metal Kovan I know I'm saying that wrong but go fuck yourselves very backwards. So basically, we'd gone out, it was a, there was basically a place last year when we were in Ljubljana called Metalkova, and I know I'm saying that wrong,

but go fuck yourselves. Metalkova. Metalkova. Metalkova. I just say it like real threatening wise and then it sounds like how they say it.

And it's real cool, basically it's this sort of area where the police kind of just agree to not go, you can buy booze from people's houses. There's lots of shoes on telegraph poles.

Aye, you can buy a little bit of weed there you can use it telegraph wires not on the poles no not on the poles not on the poles no not the souvenir no

and yeah you can basically go hi you can drink in the park and then there's a little nightclub area and it's really really cool it's real chilled

everyone just seems to be really decent so we tried to go back there this year but fortunately we forgot that obviously that only runs on a fucking weekend

and we were there on a Sunday but one of the people that we met from there last year we do know Sunday is a weekend but Friday, Saturday, what time is it? you fucking muggle shit did I just pedantic you? I don't know if I did

that was the equivalent of when it gets to like 5 past 12 and you're just like oh it's such fun today yesterday oh no I've got to get up at 7 o'clock tomorrow what do you mean today? like five past twelve, and you're just like, oh, it was such fun today. Oh, yesterday. Oh, yeah, yeah. It was fun yesterday. Oh, no, I've got to get up at seven o'clock tomorrow.

What do you mean, today? Oh, fucking end your life. But the weekend does include Sunday. That's sad. Aye, but it's not the weekend. So you would think they're going out

on a Sunday night, going out on the weekend. Aye, but like, Friday's not the weekend, but Friday's going out on the weekend. We all know what I meant by the weekend.

Little Miss Pedant. Everything's a weekend if you're weak enough nope it is and then we yeah so we went by this year

and it's Sunday because that's not the weekend but it is the weekend you know what I mean but we went back to the what's it called

the hostel that was a jail I don't know if you can remember from last year's Instagram story fucking niche I know I don't know how big of fans you think these fucking morons are but there's like

this old prison that's got a dungeon but they've maintained the dungeon and remade the prison so it's a hostel so everything in that's fucking terrifying really what are you looking for it's everything it's not a nasty prison when you're an Eastern European in Eastern Europe in a hostel that's been converted's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a

it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a

it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a

it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a

it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not a

it's not a it's not a it's not a it's not think it's just Colombian or something Argentinian Argentinian that's fine we were playing double playing double we were drinking loads somebody made us

fucking bath wine so we were drinking all the bath wine this is a like at this point it's a lock in like the only people that are in there

playing beer pong and playing double there's about 12 of us right is people that were residents at the hostel people that worked at the hostel

and us yeah so there was nobody else from outside there yeah just people that were residents at the hostel, people that worked at the hostel and us. So there was nobody else from outside there. Yeah, just people that were staying there and two celebrities. So we were playing doll ball and we were drinking during that. We were doing

shots, we were drinking bath wine. We started playing some beer pong with some of the residents there, having fun there. Ended up doing more shots. I'll be honest with you boys and girls, we ended up quite a bit drunk. Is that fair? Yes. Right, so we go outside at one point, and I'm pretty sure we're about to leave. We're vaping outside because we're legends,

and two of the hostel people are out with us, and they're smoking. And basically, the owner of the hostel comes out, and he's like, oh God. He starts talking to them in Slovenian, and we're like, what's going on? And apparently, some guy, when the door was

slightly ajar at the front barged his way in yeah the Russian skinhead guy fucking buzzed the buzzer he wasn't a resident there but the hostel

manager opened the door to let them in thinking it was a hostel person and he just barged his way in and just started wandering about the place so like he fucking

he's going back to the bar and helping himself and shit yeah he's going behind the bar, helping himself and shit. Yeah, he's going behind the bar, helping himself to drinks, not paying for them. We don't know what he's saying, because he's saying it in fucking

Russian or Slovenian or whatever. But you can see, everyone's getting a little bit, like, uncomfortable and stuff. So this guy's coming out and telling us about all of this. Yeah,

I'd clocked him already, because I'd fucking grabbed my bag when I come out to join you when you were outside smoking. I grabbed my bag, and I was like, we've got to get out of here. It's getting fucking, it's getting weird in there you are, I would say, smoking. I grabbed my bag and I was like, we've got to get out of here. It's getting fucking, it's getting weird in there.

Yeah, it was about fucking 1am and our flight was at 7. So I was like, let's go. But I was giddy Daniel drunk. That's the sort of drunk I get when I'm just... You were like, Nate and Shane, I'm not drunk. They had a problem with you. You were like, oh no, we can't leave them with that. I was like, fucking let's just go.

And I was like, no, no just go. And I was like, no, no, no. And I was talking to them and I was like, if you want, we'll deal with the problem. And then they all looked at me and they were like,

what are you going to do? And I was like, well, I'll just go in and I'll talk to him and I'll try to appeal to his humanity. And they just sort of stared through me.

And I went, if that doesn't work, I've got him. And I pointed to Kai. And I just, I just like, flippantly just went, I'm Nils.

I'm real Nils. I didn't think anything was going to happen when I said that I thought I was walking away but that is the truth Kai is hard as nails no it's not the scheme of things

I'm not you're not in the gym I'm one of the softest cunts in there but not in a fight aye but I was just like saying it aye be modest

anyway so I'm like we'll just go in so I walk in and again I'm steaming drunk and I walk in and I go so I was like look we'll just go in so I walk in and again I'm steaming drunk and I walk in and I go

so I was like excuse me sorry I've got no idea why we were going back into that place I do for the goodness

of mankind oh mate to help our friends in need they looked after us they gave us booze and it's only fair that you know

we give that guy right old talking to so he was going up to people and he was just fucking like drawing in whatever

language he had alright and then I say yeah properly intimidating people yeah everyone's very very uncomfortable and I walk in

and I've got my fucking Rottweiler with me so I'm feeling absolutely safe Rottweiler was like how about we go for a walk walkies and I was just like sorry

excuse me I think you need to leave making people uncomfortable you're not staying here something along those lines and he immediately gets right up into my face. Now, for those of you that don't know me, I have no natural defense mechanism.

I'm like an actual sloth. It's a miracle that, thank God, we're not living in a world where it's based on strength anymore. Because I've got, I'm a dodo. See if we lived in a world where you were like to be like, it was just suddenly like

toughest person wins fucking survival of the fittest I'm a bitch within about three minutes so picture this scene right there's this fucking really confident fucking

hard looking skinhead Russian guy right patrolling the place I and people are stealing from the joint right and Daniel just wants to sort us up

and go hello good sir good evening good evening good evening we noticed you're not from around these young lads would you mind

please leaving we're closed right now yeah you're making a hell of a lot of people quite uncomfortable and I find the whole thing very uncouth

he didn't even like his heart rate didn't even raise he just went I fucking I must end you bye he just fucking

saw me it was the equivalent of like a fucking little chicken just pecking at a rhino going excuse me you're on my corn he's like fucking can't move over so he gets right in my face I don't think anything of it because I'm drunk and I'm too drunk to be threatened

and also Kai's there and so sure enough within like one second Kai steps in between the pair of us and the guy starts shouting in Kai's face and I turn to the girl and I go, what is the guy shouting? And she's not making eye contact with me. And I turn around and I can suddenly see why.

I've turned around for about a millisecond. By the time I've turned back around, the Russian guy is at a 45 degree angle and is already snoring. Like he's already asleep. He's stiffed, isn't he? Yeah. He's in a V position

now he got forehead to forehead like fucking skin on skin with a forehead and he was fucking drawing that fucking Russian

do we know if he was Russian no we think he was Slovenian we'll get we'll get on to what we made the story in our head afterwards right so

so he's right up my grill and like he's got this big fucking ski jacket on as well and I was like fuck if he's got a knife like he's close enough to Shank's right now right like he's right up my grill and like he's got this big fucking ski jacket on as well and I was like fuck if he's got a knife like he's close enough

to shankers right now right like he's already fucking crossed the line for what I just fucking I just made a decision I just elbowed him up elbow

diagonal Right brought your left elbow up his cheekbone his fucking cheekbone and the guy went down snoring halfway down he went like in a V-sit

like you know when you do when you're doing ab crunches you do like a V-sit like you know when you're doing ab crunches you do like a V-sit where you're sat on your bum but your ankles are off the floor

your shoulders are off the floor he just like sat like that just glazed I was like can we leave now the back of his head

definitely smashed over a little bit he was snoring he was but basically he went down I turned around and I was like

well you know and I look at the guy and I'm like, I did warn you that he was Nails. I know, like that's not how I was when I just went, oh, I'm Nails. I didn't like, I didn't think a fight was going to happen. It was like, like as now when I look back, it looks like the most fucking cockiest thing ever. I just say, oh, you know, was it 2017? I'd done Setlist in Adelaide, right?

I remember I was doing all the slides and I was hosting it and stuff, but I was never actually doing a setlist, which for people that don't know, it's like improv games where the slides come up on the back. And one day they surprised us and made it so Lindsay Webb hosted it

and Mickey D ran the slides or whatever. Other people managed it. So I could get up and do a setlist. We got land on us and I was like proper nervous before I went on like i haven't done it in three years and like i've been running the ship for fucking ages so i'm like fucking feeling my pulse my heart's going and then lindsey webb come up was just before i went on before he went back on after the next act and he went you're gonna smash this aren't you and just flippantly i was nervous as

fuck but i just went i'm already here i've done done the hard bit. And then I went on and had a good gig. Now, because I had a good gig, it looks like I was just being a cocky fuck. You know what I mean? So it was like that. I was just like, oh, I'm nails made. I didn't expect to be fucking knocking out the Russian. Just be like, and here's how I'll fucking prove it. So I turn around, give her a look.

And I go, what do we do? And she goes goes run away just leave because everyone who was previously scared of the Slovenian man is now very

scared of Kai so she's like just leave I've become the threat in the place everyone else is like the fuck's this guy so Kai started

letting himself behind the bar started swinging on everybody so we got out of there but the paranoia of it didn't end because he had

the confidence of somebody that was like waiting for his pals to back up you know what I mean he's patrolling around 12 people

like he's got the swagger like these guys aren't going to lynch us and I'm sorry this isn't you know racist it's stereotypical

if you're bald and have a Slavic accent you are in the mafia aye like I felt

like he was protected aye he was in the Kremlin I'm telling you right now do you know

what was in his puffer jacket that video of Trump getting pissed on by one of the hookers like he's

involved in an all man this guy pulls off toenails with his teeth I just thought like when he gets up when he wakes up from that slumber

and like dusts himself down he's not just going to go well that showed me he's got he's got a want repercussions right so fucking

so we're running down the street I'm laughing like a mad man because my adrenaline's running through proxy yeah you are actually fucking

up a height after well because you didn't expect it you're actually jumping up and down again I've only ever

seen you in a I've only ever seen you in one fight before that I don't like violence I never do it but look some people

in the world need to have their fucking head kicked in aye but you kind of kick all the heads in there's too many of them there's too many of them

I know but I'm just saying this was one I'm not saying do the rest of them I'm not trying to be I'm not saying suggest we go

like Batman and Robin's night where I was fucking sticking a pair of yellow Y-fronts and bummies on and I said you start asking villains to leave

no no I just run around as bait maybe that's what fucking Robin was in the Batman movie of Y-fronts and bummies on. You start asking villains to leave. No, no, no. I just run around as bait. Maybe that's what fucking Robin was in the Batman universe. He's just a tiny little beta male in fucking Y-fronts in tight fucking latex. And Batman was just going,

people are going to beat the shit out of this guy. I'm just going to follow him around and just beat up all the homophobes that beat up this guy it's actually a very good part Robin the whole time was really stupid thinks he's part of it but Batman's just giving him

boomerangs and batons to throw around and he's just flicking them around he's like I'm part of the team and Batman's just chitting homophobes and pedos left right and centre Robin is just talking homophobe flypaper

and pedobaiting he's a fucking flexible 14 year old acrobat are you kidding me he's a golden ticket that's pure uncut I'm serious so what Batman's doing to me he's a golden ticket he's that's pure uncut and so serious so what Batman's doing

is he's just taking this absolute pedo and mugger and homophobe trap out right look Robin brings his bear

Robin's got no idea he's like yeah no we're the dynamic duo and blah Batman's just got teeth in his fucking knuckles i said that to you that is absolutely it absolutely is fucking because every time it

happens well the two times it's happened it's both times it's somebody's seen me and you together and made the understandable assumption that we don't know each other. They see the way I carry myself, the way you carry yourself. Even in a foreign language, they listen to both of our accents and they go, well, those are two separate types of upbringings. I used to throw

stones at you from the other side of the tracks. And then they just, look, they jump to a logical conclusion, which in this one in a million scenario turns out not to be true. And they come and start at me. They make a conclusion that we're enemies. They're like, if I turn the small one, this one's going to be on my team. The homophobe scan, he's got to be on my side.

Look at him. This guy also hates homos. And then just all of his plans just crumbling in front of him when he gets into my face and my boyfriend steps forward and just fucking leathers him

I've got 100% conversion rates with KOs with my elbow this year that's two is it what was the other one I've been fearer oh aye

and em did we have a tag aye we did aye yeah em so I've discovered you know how I used to take my watch off

when I'll punish people elbows mate you leave your watch on I've got a wedding ring to protect now as well it's perfect I mean you say that you went on stage

in what was it Stirling Stirling night I shat my pants I lost my wedding ring I was on stage Right so hold on Let's just laugh

I was having the last two episodes Last episode You admit That on your bird's birthday On your wife's birthday You made her pay for tickets To see Les Mis Right

I didn't make her Well She already got them You didn't offer to pay She invited me She already planned it With her friends That's right

Well I paid her husband I meant to be on tour With you over our birthdays So That's point number two You're on tour Over your Fucking honeymoon period

The other day You lost your wedding ring I didn't I fucking So I got on stage And I started doing a bit About being married now And I'm like

I'm getting used to Saying my wife I'm getting used to Having a wedding ring And I grabbed my hand And it wasn't there And I was like there and then I stopped the

game and ran backstage and then I remembered when I took it off because I was like oh when we went

past primary school for the other mums for the other mums the other mums

like I'm a mum so for the other mums you'll have mums like I'm a mum so I remember I was it's because it's square cut the sides aren't rounded it's not a square ring

just don't everyone stop imagining a square ring with your imaginations show offs they've all got imaginations haven't they they picture a square ring and I kind of picture that.

And then people are just going, oh, he mustn't know what one is, then. It's a square ring. Right, so why is your ring a square ring? Because it's like, look at the sides, like how it's not rounded down to the bottom. It's got right angles from the rim. It's got right angles from the rim. Stop licking your lips. rim stop licking

your lips so when I moisturise it scratches my face oh god you're such a changed

man it scratches my face when I moisturise because I've always thought one of the

things I would love to do genuinely right if I had a fucking time machine I would love

to go back in time and just talk to, like, 17-year-old me or 13-year-old me. Just so... Because in my head, I just want to... Because, obviously, you've taken it to your own memories. I want to see what 13-year-old me was actually like. And I also just want to see, like,

whether he thinks I'm cool or not. Yeah, dad. I just said dad. Like, if I turned up to my fucking 16 year old self and I'm like hey man you know how you want to be a fucking comedian

well I'm actually you know I'm actually quite successful with two Netflix specials and he's just like are you wearing a hoodie with Yuri Kai's face on it and I'd be like

have you no Kai he walks past my school he's married is he I've never seen a wedding ring on that finger my mum noticed first thing she said

actually right that rag can't stop there's a surprise do you reckon the younger you would fucking hate you I think I just

like right don't panic right calm down I'd just like, right, don't panic, right? Calm down, I know how it looks, right? Calm down. Check out your wife. Oh, thank God he's calmed down. In any way, the people I think I know most are right. Also, by the way, kids, you've got no imagination.

I just thought you should learn now. Oh, yeah. Just fucking... Do you know what I've made us think, right? A couple of people have been in touch, which I should reply to, really. They're reaching out about quite a serious thing. Hey, just fucking let us know that I've got aphantasia.

I should be like, hey, solidarity. Let's be friends. I just read it, went, noted. Sorry for not replying. Dick, move that. Wait, so people have been getting in touch and they've just found out so we've ruined people's

lives well this is what's to be my blanket and reply yeah no different than what you were yesterday so it hasn't it shouldn't ruin it any right

but this is but this is how it is like there's how much of a shock it comes right there's some people you can tell them that after Rick and Morty there's an

extra scene after the credits right and a lot of people know that because they watched Rick and Morty, there's an extra scene after the credits, right? And a lot of people know that because they watched Rick and Morty when it was on Adelswim. But a lot of people have just gone in since Netflix. And what does Netflix do? It starts the next episode after five seconds. No, no, Netflix lets you watch it.

It does now. Oh, we did. Oh, well, some people skip it. Some people skip it themselves. Oh, that's even fucking harsh because you've done it yourself. You haven't even got anything to blame. Some people just see the credits on Rick and Morty and you're discovering this right now.

There's some people listening to this podcast finding this out. You press fast forward on the credits, you miss the last scene. Some people have watched both seasons of Rick and Morty. All three. All three seasons. This is the third season.

I knew that. They've watched all three seasons of Rick and Morty. Didn't know that every episode had its own punchline afterwards. And they've just all three seasons of Rick and Morty didn't know that every episode had its own punchline afterwards and they've just found that out but I feel like it's a better one that means they've got something

that's the opposite like you're typically like yeah yeah hey there's more of the things that you miss as opposed to hoi everyone else has got better brains

than you do mine's way worse I trivialised it a bit there so anyway right so we chin this cunt anyway finished moisturising

oh aye didn't put my ring back on so now I don't take my ring off for moisturising anymore and the lead on from that was that you'd have to take your watch off for elbowing cunts

because you'd deal with this knockout Russians moisturise his face find a man that can do both so we get back to the hotel, where Stephen fucking drank. I look outside, and I'm like, there was a police car outside,

and I was like, that is 100% the mafia who have bought us by. Oh, I was saying the hotel. They've bought us up with the fucking police. You were fucking, from a conspiracy theory up in the hotel. You were like patrolling around, looking down,

they're still here, don't turn the lights on. I think, I'm sure they're not going to fucking storm the hotel and also police officers aren't moths they're not going to

see it going off and be like oh I'm no longer interested in this crime you would just imagine like a fucking bunch of villains and henchmen going up to the

fucking hotel lobby and threatening the guys what room we're in and shit as if the new one and you know what he puts up a better he put up a better resistance at first like he really tried to give it his if the new one and you know what he puts up a bit of he put up a bit of

resistance at first like he really tried to give it as always like learn you know what client hotel confidentiality

I'm not telling you what room he's in and then they just they had pictures of his mother and was just like we'll fucking kill her and he's like

you know what room 369 damn they're fine so this is what you thought was happening but realistically he's probably not

going to tell anybody because he's embarrassed because he got beat up but that kept well fucking till about four in the morning

just being on the high from the thing and then we're nearly Mr. Flight nearly Mr. Flight what game do you want to do first do you want to do first? Do you want to do

Conversation Starters or Muggle Corners? Let's do a Muggle because I've got a Muggle written down. You give me your Muggle. And I hope you agree because it's

it's Muggles who whinge about early festive posts. Oh! You got the same. That's the exact same. Let's double down on this then, right? Because we've got another game to play.

Yeah, yeah. Muggles complain about Christmas decorations going up. Because the Christmas decorations going up that early is Muggly, right? you got the same let's double down on this then right because we've got another game to play yeah yeah Muggles complain about Christmas decorations going up because the Christmas decorations going up that early is Muggly right

but it happens the same time every year but the pre-emptive posts and the posts about that and involving yourself in that and like oh like I'm way

cooler than these guys like you're being a Muggle by going oh I'm not one of these Muggles it's like it's like they're trying to be meta

yeah that's what they're trying to be meta yeah that's what they think meta is is to just like have a be outside of the thing look at me

observing observing everyone else and realising but it's not it's not meta because you've just been fucking the same as every other

cunt that's day in it I just also like it's one of those things where I understand that some people have shit Christmases and don't enjoy Christmases

but as someone who thoroughly enjoys Christmas God let me just fucking enjoy it they might like it to be tantric they might like the fucking like nine week build up I do

my mum is I guarantee right now my mum has finished her Christmas shopping I guarantee it because I'll not even think about Christmas until like

fucking Christmas so it doesn't creep up like it doesn't have that like sense of like it's coming like it holidays are coming I'm like

oh fuck Christmas let's do Christmas and then get on with everything else like I get how the build up is nice for people for me the build up

is always Christmas to me is like it's the week before Christmas is when you fucking hang out with friends because everyone's back in fucking town and you know

it's when we have, like, parties and stuff and then there's Christmas fucking day and Christmas Eve we just spend with my family and box a day and I always love that

and hang out with them a bit in the gooch of the year which is the bit between Christmas and New Year. We call it the gooch. And then, and that's when we tend to hang out as well

because, no, look, you don't have to do anything between Christmas and the gooch of the year. The gooch of the year doesn't mean Christmas. No, it's because time off when everybody else has time off. Between Christmas and New Year nothing happens, right? You're't have to do anything between Christmas and the Gooch of the year the Gooch of the year is just time off when everybody else has time off

between Christmas and New Year nothing happens right you're not meant to do anything right play away presents alright have a bit of a laugh

and then there's fucking Hogmanay which is you take your sandwiches Scottish New Year and it's fucking excellent and look I get it Christmas doesn't mean a lot

to certain fucking people and maybe they hate it. Maybe your families are shite. But mine isn't, so go and let me have that. Just going to call the family shade. Well, no, I'm just assuming. It's like fucking... There was a comedian last year...

A comedian last year posted on Twitter and they were like, oh, just everyone, just recommend on New Year's Eve just go home just put yourself under a blanket and just go to bed before midnight

because nobody actually enjoys New Year's parties they're a trial for everyone and I was like absolutely don't you fucking project that I mean I love New Year's parties yeah they're just assuming

that no one's enjoyed it everyone's enduring it yeah and look I don't know I think some people do endure New Year's

they go out because of their partners or you know they just don't want to think some people do endure New Year's they go out because of their partners or you know they just don't want to say no or they've got FOMO and then there are but there are people who I love fucking

Christmas I love things don't fucking sit there don't try and nullify how much fun I'm having by saying all of my thing is put on and then I'm faking it

it's on yeah I'm putting on it to seem fucking cool no no no no I'm cool for other reasons list them I own a dinosaur

right I've got two Netflix specials mm-hmm is that not cool eh it's pretty cool I thought it was pretty cool it's not cool to eyes but like

to these fucking mugs yeah but I don't need to force myself on a night out to look cool I've got some Netflix specials and a dinosaur guys I've got

I've got David Schwiller's phone number that's true read it out 999 ask for the schwimm yeah no I think look again

I'll happily put up early muggle things I will happily put myself in muggle corner because I am a muggle for how much I enjoy Christmas so I'm fully in the

corner for that I've got no problem with it you're already in there yeah I'm already in there but for that I've got no problem with it you're already in there yeah I'm already in there but you were in there earlier than the people that got in

they're like oh you're in the muggle corner I know and it's really annoying because if I don't get out of the corner soon I can't put the tree up I'm always going to have to put it up myself

pins and needles and all I just think look I understand it's annoying for fucking some people but it's not you're not unique you're not

you're not the David Attenborough Facebook when you comment on everyone else's fucking tweets here we have the early

Christmas celebrators as you can see I'm far above them blah blah blah blah blah blah you fucking dweeb right straight in corner for 30 seconds

stop giving a fuck right I enjoyed this game last time so I've actually been doing more research On funny Conversation stories Because it's good when you're high

Because our brain goes in fun places And also I'll be honest with you My mum and dad said It was their favourite segment The sauce bomb dude Hi there Hi

Hi mum and dad Well yeah Okay If you can have your own reality TV show, what would it be? Because I'll tell you my dad's one. Wait, this is what Muff was. Yeah, aye.

No, no, this is reality TV show. Aye. So, favourite reality TV show. No, no, no. If you could have your own reality TV. Here's the one my dad came up with. It's called Winner's Sauce. And it's what you do.

You go into a restaurant or whatever, right? And you're just really, really, really fucking horrible to the staff there. Really horrible. Just abrasive, rude, just anything. And it's a competition between people going to separate restaurants, right? And then when you get served your food, right, you just package it up and you take it. And they test what the person's done to your food. And whoever has the worst's done to your food.

And whoever has the worst thing done to their food gets the prize money. And it's called winner's sauce. Does it have to eat the food? No, no. It does have to be tested, doesn't it? It does have to be tested, yeah, yeah. But you find out whoever manages to get the worst shit done to their food by being the most obnoxious.

Obviously, you've got to give money to the waiters and chefs as well. You can't just do that to them and then fuck off. Just make them take the clearance form. Aye, I think you go into their bosses above them and whatever. You know what the worst thing to find in the food would be when they're tested? What?

Tears. Aye, that would make you feel real bad. Just, oh no. Oh God. Or imagine fucking, it could backfire as well, just be like, we've got traces of cat madness

and also whoever it is has gonorrhea. You're like, oh no. There's a double reveal at the end. You've just got to fucking tell the poor guy he's got gonorrhea. Or girl. Or girl. But girls can't. That was it. there's a double reveal at the end you've just got to fucking tell the poor guy he's got gonorrhea or girl or girl but girls can't

well I guess well nah they've got that kind of weird cum that they do don't they I still think it's piss with the fucking

white stuff ah no like froth like kudrow like a rubbing you know when you taste them a bit and you start

foaming at the pussy ah piss like a rubbing dog you know when you tease him a bit and then you start foaming at the pussy I piss so if I could have my own reality TV show something I don't know because that would take like 18, 20 years what go on

I was going to do like two twins separated at birth right what one raised by people who talk to it normally and the other one raised by people who do the baby voice forever they're just like well it's a baby just to see how much the baby voice affect your upbringing i that would be a that's more of a science experiment yeah yeah would you see i you just get um that would be good for a bunch of things it's just an experiment yeah yeah would you see you just get that would be good for a bunch of things not just baby voice

but just be like right let's see how much these little things fuck up your kids like you know get one raised like where it's allowed to swear

and stuff allowed to swear and the other one where swearing's like absolutely not and just see because even minor things like that

can fully change I reckon what person are if I've learned anything from Red Dead Redemption it's small choices make big changes yeah I think that would be a good reality TV show

if they just got loads of sets of twins separate them at birth and give different upbringing programs to the different families or this would be a real cruel way to do it right but you fucking you put one with like really really nice parents right who like fill it with fucking confidence and then you get one

where they not like treat the kid like fucking shit but like they undermine the kid look and find out whether because i honestly reckon spite drives more than ambition. Like, so if you've got a kid who wants to make his parents proud, will he achieve more than, let's say, his sister, who wants to, like, fucking prove his parents wrong? Like, what? Rebellious. Yeah, one that's told you can be anything, and one that's told you'll never be anything.

Yeah, yeah. Because I don't believe in any of this other stuff, which is, you know, love is more powerful than hate. Like, because all evidence points to the fucking contrary. But there's just no definitive way to ever prove that unless you kidnap twins and put them in different families.

That's what you would call it? Twin too deep. Because it's almost a crime. Twin test. The twin towers I don't know oh because they could all live they could all live

in like a tower block oh yeah in the north and the south one if big if what's the next question we kind of pitted out at the end there I think my tower one

was a bit of a stretch so I really ground that bit of a halt what would a really ground that bit of a halt. What would a world populated by clones of you be like? Is it the more of you you get, the better would you get to see yourself after the third clone? I'd just be fighting.

I'd be fucking mad facts within two days. That would be Glory Road. Man, I... Fury Road. I reckon mine's would be glory road man fury road I reckon mine's would be like in my head I think a world

populated by me here's my fantasy what I think the actual reality is in my fantasy I'm like oh look right obviously all religion's gone

right so that's most of the war's over right and then also all of us look I pay tax I've got no problem

paying tax I'm a big firm believer in paying fair tax so therefore the clones of me that are the millionaires they're going to start fucking paying fair tax right

and then the economy is going to get sorted and also there's no more wars because they're going to kill me who's my biggest fan but you're saying all this legislation stuff but who's going to do

the administration if the world's full of clones of you you're not going to do that you're not going to do that you're not going to push through the bills and all that you're going to make all these suggestions

and then just come back and go who did it and you would be like I don't know who I'm going to do it I'm not doing it I'm Daniel Slott

or I don't know so nobody would be going to my gigs you'd probably just like be loads of you in an airport just like getting in each other's way tucking in each other and being proper mad at each other no I'd actually do the loads of you in an airport, just getting in each other's way, talking to each other and being mad at each other.

No, I'd actually be in the most efficient airport in the world. You'd be like Milliton. Oh man, you would, if it was... Nah, because you're head down, you wouldn't communicate it, you'd just like... Aye, but you'd just get on, but I know the system, we all know the fucking system. So you'd just have this synergy. Yeah, absolutely. You'd just have this synergy.

Look, if there's a fucking world full of clones of me right you need to for an international departure right get to the airport 20 fucking minutes before take off

right throw your fucking bag in because you know what world of clones of me I'm opening all of the fucking things I'm paying everyone a fair wage

right so every single fucking thing's open throw your luggage through all the things it's going to be very efficiently run and we're all going to be high

in fact I don't even need security who am I going to fucking bomb the tower filled with me no there's no need for airport security just fucking I'm not none of me is going to be a terrorist

right we'd all celebrate their birthday together they'd have one big like Mardi Gras I think we'd all just be too proud to say it's our birthday I mean the sex

Would be shit Are you admitting You're shit in bed No just I don't want My arsehole would be ruined You just said I've got to run

My arsehole would be ruined All of my arseholes Would be ruined You're not even the one Doing the fucking When it's happening To you by you No I just

I don't know I don't know if it would Just like I don't know if we Just start connecting ourselves like fucking trolleys at our stuff. Nah, like,

like them jelly aliens. Stick our, stick our backs together. Just stick your backs together. That's what we make the other clones, actually. That's what we do is we get naked

and we put our backs together. And then, with all the babies, you just throw them up in the ceiling and stick them to the roof. Did your school ever go through that fucking phase where it's just all the kids, all the babies you throw them up in the ceiling and stick them to the roof did your school ever go through that fucking phase where it's just all the kids all the boys

aye you get in toilet paper every that's like I used to end up covering it that's what I know like we definitely I think that's the closest

you ever get to like what must have been for like the monkeys that discovered fucking tools right because no adult ever taught any child that if you wet toilet paper and it was pre-internet

it was pre-internet there was no forum saying hey try this no no no like in football I didn't do it no no every single child

in history every single human being in history without any communication between one another has grabbed some toilet paper gone it wet and went

fucking this is mint up in the ceiling mint look we learned I'll admit there's stuff I learned from other people like pinging the fucking candy necklaces I learned

from other people I don't think I would have been the monkey that worked that out in the same way spitballs I don't think I would have had the

you know genius to chip or the fucking ambition to just chew up some water paper every single person is capable of going to be like this is single person is capable of going like

this is wet this is going to be so good to throw at things and or people do you know in science in high school they were doing pendulums

like you know how you fucking measure how pendulums swing and shit like that right fucking maths or whatever I don't know what they're doing but we found out

that if you get these little like lead balls and throw them at the foam ceiling not even that hard, just give it a little fucking whip, right? It'll get straight through the foam. You know, they're suspended ceilings, right?

So I did that with one. I think it was just kind of coming in and fucking bounce back. Oh, whatever, leave a dent. Just try to leave a dent and just straight through. So fucking me, me, me. It's classic. Just like popping them up through the ceiling. But we got carried away, mate,

and we lost literally all of the pendulums from science and the whole was, the ceiling was fucking perforated. We got a proper fucking mafia boss's car. We got a proper bollock

to take. I was thinking that even at the time, it was just so class that it happened. That I didn't even fucking click on one day and anything rang, really.

You were too simple to work out that that was absolutely vandal on anything anything rang really you were too simple to work out that that was absolutely vandalism and then when you just look at the big picture I was just going

oh what have we done you just fucking spotted oh god remember when I gave you the Heimlich manoeuvre didn't even need it

saved me life in air I reckon that's going to be what do you reckon is going to kill you because I reckon for me it's choking

on food because I don't chew food not when I'm around just like your Batman just beating up all the homophobes and giving you

the hang lick manoeuvre you know Batman stuff that's what the Bat second was originally used for the amount of he's so pissed off he fucking turns up

it's just some cunt choking he was originally a paramed They might be so pissed off. He fucking turns up, it's just some cunt choking. He was originally a paramedic. What do you reckon is going to be the thing that kills you? That Russian guy? I don't know. I think I'm going to live forever. No.

I reckon you'll die first. I'd be fucking gutted if it was drug-related. Aye. I would be fucking... Because as you were dying of a drug overdose you'd know

that none of us respected you I fucked up such a wonderful subculture I've given a bad name aye

people that overdose do tend to give drugs a bad name it's not their fault and I'll IP to them

honestly like you get a news report of someone that's been like done in by drugs and shit right but like someone dying

because they crossed the road fucking got knocked out doesn't stop us crossing the road yeah just have a banana just stops us getting knocked out

I have I have a banana sort you out I just go for a cycle get some fresh air you got any more questions I do have questions. I was more interested to find out what you think you were going to die of.

Oh, did I say who I was going to live with? Aye, but that's... Oh, yeah. Let's stay on that then. Shit, like, sometimes I just wonder... Sometimes I just, like, walk around just wondering about, like, oh, if you just got hit blindsided new. Like, you're on the pavement, but a fucking bus... I sometimes think, like, what if I just die new?

Like, that would be like just like oh just do the blue aye no warning because that's a video isn't it it's a fucking

horrible video like you don't even know what your last words were you couldn't like you didn't measure them it could have just been alright bye Cliff I don't think I

could have said I'm not a close friend it's just a meeting it's a video of like this was in South Africa the lights turned green and people like moved forward slightly

and just this fucking huge truck where brakes had broken was just coming through the intersection and obviously when the light turns green you just go forward

which is what all three of these fucking cars did you'd never fucking actually check to the the right and I'm like that could easily be something that takes me out because I don't see a green light to me is all the right. And I'm like, that can easily be something that takes me out.

Because I don't... See, a green light to me is all, I'm just like, I'm gone. Not least the same green lights ever crossing fucking anything that, like, I'll always fucking look and make sure that it's in my hands. Aye. You know? I don't want to just, like, well, they'll see the light.

Aye. So, yeah, because it's like, well, if they can hit me, it's been a fault. You're like, aye, but you're still dead. Aye. You left, like, you left it in it's been a thought you're like aye but you're still dead aye you left like you you left it in the hands

of a fucking stranger aye so Gav one time talking about brakes are gone Gav was driving along on the spine road in a

like a fucking dual carriageway near Newcastle and fucking put his foot under the brake and he lifted upwards yeah

and detached the fucking brake lever from the brakes right and he went to push it down and it lifted upwards and detached the fucking brake lever from the brakes right and he went to push it down and it just like stuck on the floor and there's no brakes he fucking just like

unhooked it with his foot went oops shouldn't have done that he's like I think he's his girlfriend at the time he turned back done like the comedy

like not even like cartoon oh no the brakes are gone something cut the wire oh no the brakes are gone something cut the wire oh no brakes are gone like fucking

like now you said Freaky Friday but it's definitely not that that's Liam Mutley what are they in Wacky Races oh Jesus with Jamie Lee Curtis

Lindsay Lillan classic yeah you just had to like hand down through the gears and brake like that and a bit of handbrake action

and just come to a halt call the AA I did one when I was going down a road and I just went I wonder what happens if like while you're driving you just turn the engine off

I'll tell you what happens the steering locks and the brakes don't work fucking awful I've done that dude do you know what I did I fucking tried to get something out of the glove box

the glove box was locked who locks the glove box this guy the guy with the ball bag the locked who locks the glove box this guy the guy with the ball bag the guy who still has his gloves thank you

oh Johnny Warham Warman as they call me so I take the fucking the keys out of the ignition

put them in the glove box go to open it and then we still lock it on and I just fucking slam my brakes on and bumped the car.

so we both agree, stupidity is going to kill us. Yeah. Like absolutely, just, just taking something for granted and then fucking, aye,

morons. Then Gav done this other one where he fell asleep at the wheel, right? Like properly fell asleep at the wheel and on the way home from work on a country road, right?

Knotted off off bumped through this fence that had already been put down off the last stupid cunt right so the fence

wasn't there it was just like an open patch right went into the field bumpy field come to a halt just finished his sleep

woke up 45 minutes later he just went oh I'm in a field stalled turned the engine back on just reversed

went yeah fucking hell how fucked up's that that's slipped through it aye fucking working too hard

aye and another one that happened to Gav oh here we go is he was getting in the van on the hard shoulder in a

so the van door's open he's getting in the van in this lorry went over the rumble strip onto the hard shoulder, took the van door out of his hand, missed him.

Missed him, right? Just fucking nearly pulled his arm off and just fucking took the door down the... Jesus Christ. ...in the shit.

Lucky to be here. And then Gav was... What? He's walking... This is going to sound like I made it up. Right. He was walking along one of the grass verges. So he used to work like I made it up he was walking along

one of the grass verges so he used to work on the motorways he was walking along one of the grass verges on the main bank side not the central reservation

the main side and he fell down an open manhole cover someone had left the manhole cover off and he's just walking along and he just went whoop

just jogged in mid air for a few seconds and then fell went down and all the Mario music started playing he had to go collect some mushrooms and jumped in another pipe.

He got fired out of it and sat on a cloud. No, he bashed his ribs, broke his ribs. Mug. No, car went by. Took his top half off. What old person things... It says, do you do? But what old person things will you do? See, when you're an old person things it says do you do but what old person

things will you do see when you're an old person right what are you going to do that they do just like fuck it

what are you going to stop giving a shit about I think I'll make noises when I lower myself into the bath I reckon I'm going to is that what we're

talking about where old people stop yeah yeah stuff that you'll definitely do I'm going to make sure that I go

I'm going to get a fucking gym membership to every gym and just go and just with my balls hanging out just fucking hair just hair dry them

I've not been in the sauna I've not been in the shower I'm just drying my balls all day I'm going to grow out my nostril hair yeah I think that's going to be

quite a fearsome beast when I'm older just want fucking bread them together like a little fucking boom ring get cornrows in them beads

or just make your grandkids laugh they control my eyebrows and just pull like them down at each time and just raise and lower your eyebrows just be like a little bit that you do at parties

aye I can say it it reminds me I reckon I might go racist just for the last few years just to see what it's like because you know what if I've gone if I've the last few years just to see what it's like because you know what

if I've gone if I've gone if I've gone like 80 years not being racist right just wheel it out just give it a shot just go on

like just you know how everyone's got it but also but like real weird like Eskimos like I've got nothing I've got I've got absolutely

nothing against black people I've got nothing against Indians or Pakistanis or the Polish people coming over or Mexicans or Syrians or any of this. But see them fucking snow cunts. What's that word for it again? They've got fucking hundreds. I don't need a word for it.

I'm not going to use their word. The racism thing, it's like you're going, you know, when you say, oh, I'm going to try heroin, but only if I find out I'm dying of cancer Because like I wouldn't want to ruin my life

With heroin What if I really fucking like it What if like Life's not the same without it Is that how you feel about racism Man That's weird If you try it and like it

You're like Fucking good job I'm dying Yeah But em Hold on I mean What do my fucking grandparents do Oh they always have a big bowl of soup on

for guests your grandparents had the soup ready always make some just randomly make tablet aye aye so my grandparents always did

collect bags just bags I think I'll get like even though there's like a multitude of great bikes available I'd just get one of them shit bikes that they have. You know,

it's got like shit, like fucking faded blue colour. Aye. You know, just taking a shit bike, just bummering on that. I'd probably start tutting. Aye?

Aye, I reckon I would just probably start tutting. I'd probably only get buses but only to tut at people. I keep sensationalising about my day. Oh, way better. Way better.

Back in my day, you know? Belonged to me. All right. Rule the roost. All right. See, back in my day, people still used to die from cancer. It was mint. That's the one thing I always want to say to any pensioner who fucking hates my generation.

You're not allowed to hate my generation, but the rule is, you are not allowed to use my generation's medicine. Yeah. If your generation's... But their medicine had cocaine in it. I mean, that's true. Right, should we go into our dads? Yeah. I'll just quickly plug shows.

There's a London show that's not sold out. I think that's on the 19th of January. Fucking Google it. It's at the Forum in Kentish Town. Manchester's not sold out. The that's on the 19th of January fucking google it it's at the Forum in Kentish Town Manchester's not sold out the new one at the what's the Newcastle

Opera Townhouse was it Town Theatre Town Theatre that's not sold out get on to that one that's in January that's in January

there's a Coddy one ended in January that's not sold out yet that's technically a homecoming gig but as everyone in Fife knows I am better than

all of you now finally but come see come see how the other half live That's technically a homecoming gig. But as everyone in Fife knows, I am better than all of you now, finally. But come see. Come see how the other half live. I'm really high. Ah, same. Yeah, that's good, isn't it? We're going to watch that fucking new Robbie the Bruce things.

What is it called? Last King of Scotland. No, that was... Braveheart. No. Robert the Bruce. What is it called you keep talking

you plug your thing plug your little thing you can go to www. which by the way www. is correct because worldwide

is all one word oh you can't just go Lloyd oh so you're still wrong because it is www. in the thing

so you're still technically wrong so shut your fucking mouth about that someone made a valid point that you use acronyms to abbreviate something now World Wide Web

is three syllables as opposed to but www. is six so you're actually lengthening it by saying the acronym

so go to www. Kai Humphries dot what does comm stand for computer dot computer does it no

communication my dad is screaming right now well that is the podcast we said that we should do one day which is you and me will get high

because my dad listens to this podcast and obviously my dad is I think we can both agree my dad is smarter than both of us by a substantial margin

same with my mother but my mother's nice my mother is able to listen to people be wrong and just sit there and go oh you know what they're wrong and if they want me to explain I will but if that's their will she won't feel the need to rain on my parade by

we're fucked no not at all whereas your dad would be like right we've got to get this straight alright no but wrong in the face my dad is like a computer in the fact like

if it doesn't make sense he's like no no no I can't go any further look and I'm with him I get that from him I can't stand people being wrong but I've still got enough of my mum and me

and eh we're in the car we just kept firing stupid questions which were actually great because apparently on one podcast we were asking

how many nooks it could take to blow up the moon and my dad's theory is that there's no amount of nooks that could blow up the moon uh but this is a man that's watched all star trek and star wars and i don't know fucking how many times you've seen moons blow up in that thing loads yeah does he just suspend his disbelief for that mug look if you've got a nook you can nook them anyway we might do one podcast where me and Kai get high and just not only ask stupid questions

but if you want not even stupid questions but science questions that you want to ask like if you were to put a straw from the sea to space

would the vacuum cause all of the water to go into space questions like that if you send us in fact we'll start with a fucking hashtag

and fucking send us what's the email mugginsandcream.gmail.com yes uh or on twitter and just be like uh just hashtag dad questions and just interesting science questions purely based in theory that you want us to ask and i'll get my dad to come on the podcast and me and kyle will just annoy him yeah and we'll fight your corner we'll tell him he's wrong he'll try and ruin it all with facts and evidence and peer-reviewed studies like a fucking dweeb.

And we will disprove it with religion. And the movie we're going to watch is Outlaw King. So go to www.kaihumphrey.com forward slash shop. You can buy my new show, which is called Punch Drunk. And you can use the discount code Muggins if you want to save a couple of quid. Aye. And also keep plugging my Netflix shows.

Thank you. You are welcome. Your dad shushed a baby during the two-minute silence. Your dad puts a shark fin on his back when he goes swimming, so when he chases the children, he can pretend he's doing a bit. Your dad got fired from being a horse whisperer because apparently he was just walking around whispering sweet nothings in the horse's ears. I have to throw bread at your dad to stop him quacking.

Your dad eats toast with a knife and fork. Your dad sucks bananas until they're gone to cure his depression. Your dad's got too many shoes. Your dad doesn't know the moves to the macarena so he always goes for a piss when it's on that's just sad your dad says all spaghetti is alphabetic if you're good at calligraphy and still has no idea why i keep fucking battling him your dad but as his lips when he plays spin the bottle your dad doesn't run

marathons but he runs his mouth at the side of the marathon with all the Kenyans fucking this cunt Speedy Gonzalez he's getting his racism wrong Speedy Gonzalez

the Kenyans he's racist but he's always incorrect so I don't think we can be mad at him your dad uses a tumble dryer as a hamster wheel and he's got a top a tumble dryer as a hamster wheel

and he's got a top loading tumble dryer And no hamsters? He lies on not on him he gets in it and he lies on his side Your dad uses butt plugs

as dummies in his clothing shop Your dad puts his tongue in his bottom lip And makes spaz noises while he's squeezing out his shit Your dad vajazzled his arsehole Your dad can change light bulbs with his mouth Your dad's favourite snack is rusks. I'm like Nutella and Digestives in Colin's room.

I'm not done yet. We'll rinse Colin in a second. Your dad says that if he was a transformer, he'd turn into a gondola. So we were going through Colin's room, because Colin's away, so we can do that going through Cullen's room because Cullen's away so we can do that without him yelling at us

and this bitch he had a pack of digestives and Nutella yeah chocolate digestives weren't

in fact they weren't even chocolate digestives he was doing Cullen's so poor he was doing DIY chocolate digestives it was like

a little desk with a chair like you just sit at a desk just Nutella and his digestives oh have they ever had them he was doing DIY chocolate digestive it was like a little disc with a chair like he just sits at his disc just Nutella and he's digesting oh how did they ever have live

swallowed them whole like a snake I just I just dip some in and just dip some into his tea which is just boiling hot water

and a spoonful of Nutella called the chalk stock two smoking barrels mic drop Mike drop turn it off bye