Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.14 Have a Banana

Episode Date: November 15, 2018

Muggins, Cream and a 40 stone Chinese lady called Ryan Cullen revisit some childhood memories that should be left suppressed and talk about the benefits of therapy and/or just having a banana. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

Welcome to Sloss and Humphreys on the Road with me, Kai Humphreys, him, Daniel Sloss. Him? Yep, me. And Ryan Cullen, who is a 40-stone Chinese lady. Yeah, called Auntie Snanky. So I just, because I realised that, like, now I've found out that I haven't got an imagination.

That's not what I found out. I found out that other people have. So I can make them imagine a 40 stone Chinese woman joining in with this voice. Yeah. With this voice right here. Yeah. Yeah. It's quite a racist.

It's third generation Chinese actually going to Ireland. And also third generation 40 stone as well it's passed down is this the start of the podcast? I thought you were doing like a tester thing no it can be if you didn't enjoy this we can just re-release I mean we won't I mean they're used to shit

at this state the cunts that still listen to this this is all they deserve like they've listened and there's thousands of them I know and they listen to it on a regular basis

honestly I love the fans of this podcast but I have no respect for them you know when you go to a championship

or probably a league one game the amount of people in the audience is the amount of people listening to this shit you go to like

East 5 games and you're like you know what I've got I do there's a bit of respect for me for the fact you turn up

week in week out you support your local team and you love it and you get a kick out of it but fuck me are you mentally broken that's like your man Van Gogh

imagine if he was painting just going like he's fucking idiots I'm going to draw a chair fucking idiots I'm going to draw a face right get this. Eyes on the same side.

Ears on the same side of the head. Weird to... Oh, is it skin-killing though? Absolutely fuck off. Honestly, these morons will bite anything I fucking do. I'm actually just doing it to get through my mental health. It keeps us right. Honestly, you should see the absolute fucking shit these cunts buy.

It's unbelievable. That's what I feel like Zack Schneider was like towards his last three DC movies. He's like, honestly, they just let me do one script. I write off the top of my head after a couple of blasts of poppers and they're all, no editing, straight through. Was Van Gogh not one of the ones that got famous after he died, like me? Was Van Gogh not one of the ones that got famous after he died? Like me?

No, Van Gogh was a pretty big big woman's wife. Did I just watch you pick Eddie through my toenails? Those are my ones. And they're not toenail clips. Right, they're my ones. Those are my

Van Gogh ones. He cut his ears off. Not his ears off. I hear that. He cut one of his ears off. Two ears. Is that out of a bird and just went TB? No, no, no. Actually, obviously he cut one of his ears off two ears Senate of a bird and just went TB

no no no actually obviously he cut one somebody said to him because he did a post where it was like somebody's had two ears on one side

and they're like that's inaccurate he's like I'll fucking show you cut off his own ear stuck on the other side of his head and like eh eh

see did you look like that did he do that with his patrons have two ears on one side back go yeah oh no I'm thinking of

Piccato aren't I yeah I think oh that's one of the droopy clocks potato tomato do you know what no that was Sylvester Stallone

that's his name Rocky should be aye he was a good listener lend me your ears it's all coming out tonight here we go

I had a Barack did you reckon it was like you know someone says something on the leave like what did I just say and he's like ah fuck it I'll post it to you

no I think it was like he'd watched Toy Story 3 and you know that bit where fucking Mr Potato Head leaves his fucking ear in the room and he can hear

other people take his ear off he was just doing the first version of that he's like I wonder if because they didn't have size back then did they

just cut one of his ears off and he goes I reckon if I leave this in a room I'll be able to fucking hear everything that bitch is saying about her

he just like hides it amongst a bunch of teddies his old version of FaceTime was he just gave his bird a rock and with his eye just the top

he's like I just fucking give us a call whenever you miss me teddy bear with a real eyeball nah nah

thanks uncle alright cool you really okay thank you you really grown the podcast a lot there big Chinese lady

oh well don't you worry I can't do conversations this early on literally I've had no messages about conversation starters on the podcast you're hot there big Chinese lady oh well don't you worry because I mean I can't do conversations this early on in the literally I've had no messages about conversation starters

but it's my new favourite part of the podcast so yeah so we don't know if anyone's enjoying them or not the fact that nobody's because people fucking

compliment us on the damage shit the fact that we've had no feedback on them suggests it's not a strong segment should we just do it right off the top

man these can't still listen to anything obviously we get to the podcast but we're trying to lose followers strong segment do it right off the top man these can't listen to anything obviously it's the podcast where we're trying to lose followers yeah it's just

trying your best I've got a way to put them off well here we go you can describe Cullen so recently we decided to get into Dungeons and Dragons

we said we weren't going to talk about this I agreed we'll move over this and we'll come back to it later so Danny tells me about Dungeons and Dragons instantly wed you give him a Chinese burn

no offence cultural appropriation that is just a burn where you're from instantly wedgium give him a Chinese burn no offence that's a sabotage actually cultural appropriation that is is it just a burn where you're from yeah father burned to death

Colin just one so I was just like I can't see myself getting into this but you know what Daniel you've got us into a couple of things

that I didn't know I would like. Comic books. Comic books. You know. Podcasts. Comedy. Love. Natalie.

I don't know what to say. This isn't for me, but you know what? Horses for courses. I was like, right, I'll give this a go. What does that mean, horses for courses I was like right I'll give this a go what does that mean horses for courses it means like one thing for one

one for another like one horse might be good on grass another one might be good on clay I'm talking about tennis players now

but it's like one will be better at running on a firm surface but wouldn't you know the etymology of it do you know why it's that it's literally just that it's like one horse

may be a good runner on one horse and the other horse may be a better runner on the other course oh no okay literally just that well there you go

who knew I'm probably wrong I mean the fact that you thought horses play tennis so Danny got us onto this this YouTube

series called Grey Force. Aye, Grey Force. Where it was celebrities. He had us in with celebrities that I knew playing Dungeons & Dragons. One of them was Karen off Daredevil. And the other one was the boy of Big Daddy.

Aye. Who was the boy then and now he's just a surfer dude. Aye. He's got proper long hair. Really? He does look like a stoner, but I think he might just be thick. I don't know. He has some of his spells in really opportune places. Aye, but like a stoner, but I think he might just be thick. I don't know, like, he has some of his spells in really opportune places.

Aye, but like a stoner way. You know when you see people that have got, like, high eyes, and they're like, I'm not high, and you're like, oh, you don't have any valuable opinions. I can just tell from your resting face that nothing you've got to say is of any consequence to my future. I think you'll feel threatened by him. You'll be threatened by a druid. Level 5, please.

So, just so you know where we're at. I haven't played any Dungeons & Dragons. I haven't created a character. All I've done is watched six hours of one game on YouTube. To be fair, don't try and make yourself feel good like that. Hold on, hold on. I'm saying I'm so invested in it. You lured us in with that,

and I'm just like fucking I need to find out what happens with this frog the way you pitched that you were like you know what look I've not gone lame

I've not created a character or anything I've just listened to three separate podcasts about character creation though yeah so this is this is what I'm getting at it's like

it's like you lure us in with something just check this out you might like it like if you just hand it as the guide I would never have even fucking

opened it but after watching that I'm like oh that spell that he done earlier I'm not sure how he got that I don't know how

he did it so I'm looking up in the guide I'm like what have I become what am I doing do you not reckon though nerdy shit

only was ever considered nerdy because I don't think things themselves are nerdy I think nerds plagued them and ruined them

right this is this is my opinion on it. It is essentially a kid's game, right? Like a kid's game, but played with adult intelligence. So it can be super creative and super fucking... It can be fanciful. It can be fantasy to any level. But this is the problem that we've got with adults doing role play.

It always turns into sex stuff. So literally everything that we've got with adults doing role play it always turns into sex stuff so like literally everything that we did as a kid in the game of make-believe got fucked up by our hormones

and we can't play make-believe anymore so the reason it's nerdy is like right I'm not going to try and fuck everything I'm actually just going to try and complete the quest

and then everyone goes what you're not going to fuck anything nerd loser well because I think it's all going through a transformation I think we're part of the way and then everyone goes what you're not going to fucking nerd loser I think it's all going through a transformation

I think we're part of the way computer games used to be only for fucking nerds and now look at computer games

computer games were absolutely a fucking nerdy thing and now it's all over it's like a fucking sport

the people are looking trying to get into the trying to get into the Olympics all these

fucking esports and whatnot so maybe Dungeons and Dragons will get into the Olympics All these fucking esports And what not So maybe Dungeons and Dragons Will be at the Olympics That's what I'm saying What's an esport? Esport

Like you know People do like Real fucking football FIFA World Cups Is this only Twitch accounts and stuff? They're all this Genuine fucking

Get togethers Like Rocket League's Got a genuine fucking league Hence the title Because I'm not entirely sure What a Twitch account is is it just streaming

your gameplay while you talk on the screen and is your picture like a FaceTime like in the top corner and people are into that people like watching the game

and watching someone talk and people get followers because a lot of people watch it because either like they don't have the console themselves they don't have the game or they're trying to

watch the game to see if they're into it it's like a longer version of like a trailer but then also like Mark Nelson watches it with his fucking kid because his kid can't play computer games because he's three where they're trying to watch the game to see if they're into it. It's like a longer version of like a trailer. But then also like, Mark Nelson watches it with his fucking kid because this kid can't play computer games

because he's three but loves watching it and still understands it. So it's just like, I mean, don't worry, I find it fucking weird. Because I find it weird because I would never watch something.

But I was thinking... But you watch football. Yeah, that's true. But I wouldn't watch someone playing a game when I could be playing it on the same console. Watch Mark Lawrenson

in the corner he's just coming up in the corner in fact you know what I'm actually glad they don't do that it would be fucking weird to watch commentators of sports

if I could see their face at any point it would just be like a level of intrusion they did that at the I was watching the Arsenal match that day and they put fucking

Uday Emery in the bottom corner for at least 6 minutes for ages at no point I was watching the Arsenal match that day and they put fucking Uday Emery in the bottom corner for at least six minutes for ages at no point during any of the fucking thing do I ever want to see Michael Owen's

face while he commentates it's just a sad he doesn't watch movies why Michael Owen doesn't watch

movies he's like I've never watched like three movies in my life I'm not into them that's not

a fucking good that's not a fucking good that's not a thing you can do is that a mental health thing like Ellis's no I think it's just a fucking moral thing do you

know Matthew Ellis who used to live here yeah Jellybean yeah Jellybean of course you do he couldn't watch porn with other dudes in it because he'd get

jealous get off that I went because he just watched girl porn right because like he'd kind jealous. Get off that. I went, because he just watched Girl Porn, right? Because like, he'd kind of be the girl of the situation, right? So he's like,

so he's like that. And then I said to him, does that mean you can't watch like movies because like you're jealous that you're not fucking Robocop or whatever? And he's like,

genuinely, I don't know why. That's insane. That is some fucking insane level narcissism. Does he think the Guinness Book of Records should just be the fucking Mafia?

Fucking his name on everything. Why is it not me? Here's the fucking direct Michael Owen quote. I haven't watched many films. I've seen all the Rockies, to be fair, so that's five. There's a sixth, is there? Didn't know that. Rocky IV is my favourite film.

Didn't like Rocky I. It's rubbish. But still watched the other five. So you watched Rocky you largely liked them and then went they're not for me

after he's just said he liked them I watched Cream the other day it was alright my wife kept badgering me so I watched it on the flight to Dubai

I'd have preferred a good documentary to be honest I like factual stuff I don't like being kitted by anything man he just gets more attention

is he watching the matrix going like try and pull the wool over my he's just sitting in the middle you can't fool me

Avengers nah nah nah his wife's like that wasn't a documentary that was King Kong what do you think that happened in New York Schindler's List

never happened watching the Rocky movies being like fool me five times shame on you I'm not watching the thick one I'm not being

fallen into this like it that's my problem with films I just can't believe it I sit there thinking I wonder how many takes that took

and it's not a stunt man the big action fights are so far fetched I shake my head in disbelief how does he know they're far fetched people shooting each other

rolling over with bullets just missing them jumping off dreams how can anyone believe that oh my god Jesus Christ guys

God it's incredible I was so I was so excited when he signed for Newcastle right I bought the paper I was in Turkey because I saw it on the front of him holding up the Newcastle top. Man, I fucking hope this isn't a joke.

Because it's mumbling. Right, the other four films you've seen, in case you're interested are Heat, not a fan. Ghost, preferred it to Heat. I think it was quite emotional. Jurassic Park. Quite good, actually. Although he wasn't a fan of having to watch it twice in a few days

because he'd gone for trials at both Arsenal and Manchester United where their downtime activities proved to be the same. And Cool Runnings made to watch it on a date with his future wife. As soon as she pressed play, I was in hell. Cool Runnings, what a poet. I was in hell. Do you want to kiss my lucky egg? Oh my God, this is worse than death.

That's amazing. I don't like to be kidded out of it. I don't like to be tricked. How did he get into Punditry Surely there's more Charismatic characters In the game Like ex-footballers

It's all down to agents And stuff But the danger With fucking footballers From like the 90s And the 2000s Is fucking like Those ones

Like with a real knowledge Of the game Probably have a You know A fair bit of Either Ut utter stupidity or minor bigotry. So do you think

there's like the best of a bad bunch? I also think that, because he's a really good guy. Jermaine Jenner's on everything right now. Oh God. Literally, I kind of get moved for Jermaine Jenner.

I went to my mum and dad's house, still having a cuppa, fucking everywhere, I mean. I was on the bus the other day, I was like, hi Jermaine, give him a pun 50

take us to my door you just sounded racist I know you did I know that's not what you meant to ask but you and I both went oh I know that wasn't racist

but I'm sure if I was racist I wouldn't just walk over and say I wouldn't pick Jermaine I wouldn't pick Jermaine Jenner like literally what a whiteness black guy I wouldn't picture me in Jenner I literally

What the whitest black guy Sorry though Get yourself out of it What were you getting us to do there? You fucking left the lid off Right, I'm going to show you behind the curtain here I took the lid off there and Bruce saw that when I opened it It wouldn't fizz

I think... For 15 minutes. I think... It's like a fucking... Shush. I think background noise in podcasts is the most... Is it like a fucking decant in there? Is it like a red wine?

It's got a fucking breathe, does it? No, it's just the most annoying thing if you can hear psshh and cans opening or whatever. Right. Yeah. So I do that to be cautious because I'm a very conscientious podcaster. If he just picked up the scissors

and started tapping the table and I have to do a little sign language deal and stuff, tapping that. All right. You a nightmare? Fuck you, you Ken I know see what I have to put up with every day on tour

I feel like you should have shown up in front of a friend I feel like the marriage counsellor alright Colin this could be a segment what the marriage counsellor alright

we're coming to your office right I don't know we're already sitting down you've come to our house you're going to be shitey don't you the dragons look to your office right we're already sitting down you've come to our house you're going to be straight to Dungeons and Dragons look

shut your mouth right that's exactly how this will go Kai why do you feel like this relationship isn't working I mean you've just told us to shut your mouth

shut your mouth why do you feel like your relationship with your marriage counsellor isn't working why do you think my relationship with Daniel

I just think he's a bit snappy no he's a bit like rude frank he's a guy too it's Adam and Eve maybe

maybe if you were a bit more snappy I wouldn't have to can the councillor talk to me oh Jesus see Jabba Jaws will you mediate no

let it out it's healthy to get these things out in the open wait I think shut up Kai well where do you think right Daniel

where do you think this what point in your relationship do you feel that this thing started going south man I reckon it's fine it's just a little whine bite sometimes fucking can't take

a wee bit of criticism can't take criticism takes it to heart do you believe that takes it to his cold black heart I haven't sucked my dick in years

or ever actually there lies the problem only after one thing thinks with his cock and fucks with his brain and fucks with my brain is that always gaslighting us Ryan

I'm constantly being gaslit by Daniel no I had to explain to that what gaslighting is Ryan I'm constantly being gaslit by Daniel no I had to explain to you what gaslighting was so I want to fucking tell you what you're gaslighting

right now why would I why would I explain to you what I'm doing to you I'm not like a fucking villain on a Bond movie I'm going to explain

my process as I go ahead and I'm just going to do it privately like good gaslighters first rule of gaslight club one don't tell anyone

you made this up I don't have a club you this up I don't have a club you're mad I don't have a club we're under a second hour so we're still paying what do you recommend then? you fuck it up

I'm only here to listen I don't have any answers to be fair therapists don't really offer I think they're only a bit of devices they just go okay cool

alright well good luck with that I think if I went to a therapist I'd just try to get the root of their problems like how are you what is it

that's got you so nosy like why are you so interested in other people's lives and mechanics and all that come on how are you why am I on the couch

what mental condition do you have do you have the thing you've got the like what level of fucking ego do you think that you have to like solve everyone else's problems what level of fucking ego do you think that you have to like

solve everyone else's problems? What's going on at home? Why are you here solving my problems? Because you can't solve the ones at home. Just fucking turn it around to them.

Hold a minute up. Just proper fuck with them. I would love to go just to see what they said. And just every time they spoke just put your tongue in your bottom lip and go

and just repeat it back to them. Do they still do that Rorschach test? Rorschach test Rorschach test yeah I wonder is it actually a thing

or is it just I don't think I'd be able to because what I've thought like you know the Rorschach test where it's like the blotted ink

and you're like what can you see and you're like oh butterflies or flowers I didn't realise that's when people are actually pressing their own

imagination onto it so I wouldn't be able to I was just going I blotted ink maybe we should maybe we should do a Rorschach test with you just see if you can

see anything can you when you look at clouds can you not see any shapes in them oh yeah uh huh right

yeah but the clouds are there but if I see like a shape that may look like a dragon or something I couldn't then

colour the dragon in red and put scales on it or whatever the fuck you weirdos do I mean I'm not

colouring I see a cloud and I just keep it as a cloud I'm keep it as a cloud I'm like that's a cloud you guys fucking put bells and whistles on everything

while running a little dreamland fucking mugs bells and whistles on your dragons just so you can find out what it is it's gotta be

fucking great for me when I'm playing Dungeons and Dragons and you describe a place and I'm like it's just darkness hello darkness my old friend it says here that I've got it's just darkness hello darkness

my old friend it says here that I've got the sea and darkness perk but it's broken so what I was going to

get on the therapy thing have you guys ever had therapy no no yeah I'm genuinely tempted to go I'm interested in it

I think it's like I definitely think it's like I definitely think it's a good thing and a lot of people should do it even people that think they don't need it

like probably could do with a little bit of an outlet for example yeah I think you know like fucking Natalie

probably think something what happened in your childhood that made this kind of viable option it's something that if like I went

if I was grieving and I was struggling to get over something, I would go down that road at the minute. Do you not just have a banana? I have a banana. I would spoke up for this one, yeah. I don't think so. I don't know if you know this, Ryan,

but me and Daniel got this bit where every time someone's got a problem, no matter how bad it is, like say if one of our friends is talking about a depression and all that, you just undermine it all and go hey try having a banana people with mental illnesses right the shit they have to go through all the time people have been like have you tried exercising go for a walk go for a jog just get fresher as if it's not a chemical imbalance in the brain which is a really

really disrespectful thing to do which is why it's funny to do man there's potassium in it man it'll do you the world good

it's like fucking it's only 12 so it's like fucking I'd do a sub it with his PTSD like he's fucking seen shit

on the battlefield he's been to war he's seen his mate killed I'm like I had a banana sub it your sister should've had a banana or something.

Your sister should have had a banana. She would have been right as rain. She would have been here on the podcast instead of this corner. I have a banana. Have you tried rubbing a banana for your asthma? But he's suction on it though. Out of breath, trying to peel it.

Out of breath, trying to peel it. Colin, you have asthma, hay fever. Aye, that's a new one. Eczema. Eczema? Fucking. You should be playing Dungeons and Dragons. Only in the top of my head

Gluten intolerant No offence That wasn't me I don't have that Oh you don't No Fucking hell What the fuck

Do you think I am He's not got A bread ass man You wear You wear braces I don't wear braces What are you doing I'm not a Chinese woman

Either Whoa Wow Everybody with an imagination listen to this it's just had a chat and now

it's just the fourth wall's gone you've got club foot it's like a club sandwich what

not even a member no no my club sandwich means it's just a fucking

toothpick little flag on it you know what I started getting travel sick at 28 years old

well you missed your travel travel you got travel sick at 28 yeah I don't think it's a thing I just hold on

can I ask you a question that's vital to this have you travelled before you were 28 no is that I don't understand

because travel sickness on a plane travel sickness on a jibble you can't be a travel sickness on a plane travel sickness on a jibble you can't be a traveller on a travel sickness no just walking I have to sit down for a while

see I think that's because I don't get cars not in planes cars I don't get cars I can tow I can read in cars

do jumping jacks in cars I keep having to grab the wheel do the pedals I always thought fucking being travel sick was a genuine I know this is

coming from someone who's gluten intolerant but someone who's just evolutionary weak like fucking right we've had

cars for what fucking a hundred and a bit years right four generations and your fucking stupid wee brain

hasn't adapted to the idea like the brain doesn't know what it's doing but this is staying still but other things are moving done kill them

alright Matt because we'll kind of process it die do you guys remember do you remember like a minute ago

when I said I get car sick right yeah that's about it I just missed that part do you reckon there was any fucking point

back in the fucking old days there's just cowboys on the back of horses being like what direction is it and they're like oh come on

stop before I read this map I'm going to spew no they weren't and if they were they were shot as they fucking should be or like

fighting on top of trains shirtless and then one of them is like oh I'm a bit woozy. Why are they shirtless? I just fight on trains, nobody know what you're top on.

I thought you didn't have an imagination. Clearly you're picturing something. Fucking, can I picture you? You've no problem painting me a word picture. I reckon it, but I,

I might not be able to picture but I know what a topless bloke is. Yeah, Matt, Matt, he fucking, and paint me a word picture I reckon it but I I mean I'll be able to picture it but I don't know what a topless bloke is yeah Matt Matt he fucking started befriending the devil when he was on the boat to Formaterra

for the win he was like oh wouldn't that like see don't get me wrong boat seasickness again oh something that affects you

is fate no no no doesn't affect me no no no I don't have it same thing but I've got more like you're still

genetically inferior right if you get seasickness I don't have it. Same thing, but I've got more... Like, you're still genetically inferior, right? If you get seasickness. I don't get it. But that one, I'm like... That's like... I understand that if you've got low constitution, like, it shakes your belly, and your belly goes...

And your stomach's like, oh, up and down, up and down. Oh, maybe both. You're a moron. But it's not as bad as car sickness. I cannot process that I'm moving in one direction. You know, the one thing that used to make me

really gag and be sick right is like you know if you have a shot and you don't down the shot straight away and it ends up in your mouth for a bit right like that would

make a gag and be sick but you know what I'd just be fucking sick on my boots and get on with my day and fucking sit there when I know I've got

a dicky tummy just fucking move on lads two seconds I'm going to wait and eat just back in the game you don't even sit there like

oh no I'm going to be sick this is the worst somebody give me sympathy just chug up and fucking have a banana have a banana

no I'm not just have a fucking banana that's going to be in my head if you ever get your period have a banana yeah

don't put it up there it's not gonna help that's not what I meant if you do freeze it first I'm gonna go down to ground zero and leave one on the it'll just look like

you're playing Super Mario with an ex-terrorist attack fucking oh well there you go oh well conversation starts oh yeah I'm not actually

even sure what this is still so Colin is you're an avid podcast listener aye but you just haven't listened

to the last two aye presume so even though you've been on a 7 hour flight aye I'm not hurt.

I am not hurt. Right. Colin, who was your best friend in elementary school? Elementary school? Well, whatever young school is your fucking hell on. But to be fair, if you're going to use that as a conversation start now, the first thing you would do is go, elementary. All right, calm down.

You'll see. What? The first thing you would do is go, elementary. All right, calm down. The OC. His name was Levinas. What? Leviticus? Not Leviticus, Levinas. Oh, as if that's more reasonable. Vinny is short for it.

No. Yeah. Levy's short for it. Vinny is short for Vincent? Vinny is short for it no yeah Levy's short for it Vinny is short for Vincent Vinny is short for Levinas it's absolutely not it's not short for

Vincent you fucking mad cunt no I think Vinny McMahon is called Levinas McMahon boys I don't know where

I'm going with this Vinny Jones Vinny Jones what do you think his real name is Levinas Jones Levinas Van Gogh look

you're making it sound stupid but I still think I'm right I mean you're 100% right we call him Vinny and his real name

is Levinas aye my cousin Levinas Levinas the poo Brett Levinas the Pooh the the the boss Brett Levinas yeah right what was he like

he was a mad cunt was he ah how so give us an example well um he used to he used

right I used to this is gonna make me sound like you're gonna laugh sorry he used to have a caravan in our back garden of course you did for a quick escape

it wasn't even your back garden it was always we're going to get you a caravan off my land actually before I continue this because there's maybe an age discrepancy when you say elementary school

primary school yes okay that's right because you were sitting there going what the fuck were you doing at 15 he used to always come over and demand that we played a game where he pretended to be working in a fish and chip shop he would insist he would insist like then he broke the window one day in the whole caravan

and then just ran into my parents and went ryan broke the window in the caravan how um how is he ever forgiven how, how insistent was he to play the fish and chip shop game and how resistant were you guys to playing it? Did you buckle easily or was it like? I buckled easily.

Did you? That's my own fault. I buckled. You were like, that was going to be my suggestion. I was like, you're in charge, but no.

So you were just like, come in and order some chips? Aye. He'd give me a little bowl of dirt. Well, he doesn't really make real fish and chips. He pretends. Fucking how the other half lived. So you would walk out of the caravan with a bowl of dirt. Aye.

And then he'd give you his imaginary money. What did you pay him in? Imaginary money. I don't remember. He'd give him real money. I What did you pay him in? Imaginary money? I don't remember. I'd give him real money. I'm guessing he's out of customers now. What then happens? Does he just sweep the floor and just...

Just put a couple of fish in the bain-marie that have already cooked? No, no, no. Just keep them warm? It's actually... You ever heard that rumour that the chip shop van was just selling drugs? I don't know if that was ever true, but he was just doing the make-believe. Do you know what I ever heard that rumour that the chip shop van was just selling drugs I don't know if that was ever true

but he was just doing the make believe did you know I gave that rumour that's who he was the dealer he used to mug you off and pull a side of him and do a chokin' on your caravan

that's Daniel he's saying do you know I gave him that chokin' on a vape got coughed you off who was your childhood friend a kid called Andrew Merlow oh aye

and em I remember like the first day of school I got dropped off and I was crying my eyes out were you

like bawling like you missed your mum already yeah she just wouldn't let go of me leg I was like oh yeah mum I've got a cat

mum mum mum I've got to go of my leg. I'm like, mum, I've got to go. Mum, mum, I've got to go teach the kids. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't want to, I didn't want to go to school and then the,

the Luar de Zen were the chance to play in the sand pit and I was like, aye mum, two seconds, I'm listening. Tell us more.

They were like, Andrew Merlow's currently playing with the sand pit. I think like, I went in late. Everyone else was acclimatised I got put in like a week after

I don't know what happened I wasn't on hold I didn't do that kind of thing probably had scabies or something I don't know but I fucking went in and I had to share

the sandpit with Andrew Merlo and I was like not going to run with him for the first few years of school and then I realised that deal again

reshuffle the deck like I'm fucking yeah and he was using the sandpit And then I realised that, deal again. Reshuffle the deck. He was using the sand pit when I wanted it, then I'd have to sleep in his house and shit. That's not a strong basis for a lifelong friendship. We're always finishing each other's sand castles. But we did cut both for a bit. To be fair, he was just in the sand bit because he was

bodying his shit and I would not run made some bases and when we made made bases made bases I thought you meant

the garden that's what I heard too when you said I gave him a hand job he sat me off in the sand pit yeah I covered it with the sand

I swear there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a

there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a

there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a

there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a

there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a

there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a there was a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I buried his head in the sand and his own head there just so his arse was there aye

and I continue guys so we made we made bases we used to his no girls allowed little rascals

his garden backed onto this cut that was just like a grass walkway that backed onto and his dad backed onto

the house we used to get into the allotments allotments we used to go into the allotments and get bits of wood and doors and stuff like that and we'd build a base and they're cut

so when they like wait you went into the woods to get doors no it's the allotment what allotment what's an allotment allotments you've never heard

of an allotment I don't know I've never heard of an allotment it's like when people hire like a patch of land as a garden and you get like

oh sorry yes you kind of get favelas of them where like it's a spraw people hire like a patch of land as a garden and you get like oh sorry yes you kind of get favelas of them where like it's a sprawling like yeah sorry it's been like chopped up into allotments where people grow cabbages

or whatever the fuck or fancy doing smoke weed in their little shed that's what I'm guessing that day and why else would you fuck ass yes

so I went to allot And just got some wood And all that right And this is when I realised There's something wrong With this cunt Got a bucket And put it in my base

He was like Oh piss and shit And he had that After a couple of pisses And shits and all that Like over the course Of a few days I was like

Nah I'm not gonna Fucking shit me Who's like I'm not gonna Put it in my base Wait so At your base You shot a buck

In the corner Aye aye He was like Oh I have a toilet In the bathroom And you shot a buck in the corner aye aye he was like oh I have a toilet in the bathroom and all that and I was like aye aye

actually I'm off I'm going to go and knock a road relay and call who was the friend who's we told the story of the mate

that you pissed on oh yeah aye I remember he was a nice kid now I'm sure he's a lovely guy have you heard this story

was he stung or so aye but by a bee so open up your mouth yeah wasn't it jellyfish aye he got stung

in his taxi he's quite pissed I should change names and all of this because all the kids that I'm talking about have probably grown up to be really decent blokes

and all that not from you not from you I'm just mugging them grown up to be really decent blokes and all that. Not from you. Not from you, Danny. I'm just mugging them off. It's good that he's gone for a big job promotion. And I put the boy in like, well, I heard the podcast.

Let's change the guy's name. His name was... You said it, this guy? No, we'll call him Matthew Canning. Right? Right, okay. Because it's not about...

This story's definitely not about Matty. It's not about Matty. I was saying, good friends with this lad growing up, right? And he went into a different middle school about Matty it's not about Matty I was saying good friends with this lad growing up right and he went into a different middle school

Matty Canning no relation and he introduced us to one of his other friends Guy Matty Canning right and

we're hanging around with him a couple of times the only thing I remember really about him is like we liked Bruce Lee stuff he had posters of Bruce Lee up his wall

we watched Fist of Fury a couple of times, Enter the Dragon. He's like, that's as much as I remember about him. He's the best man he was. Seemed like a nice lad. Actually, I'm sure I was in his class for a bit, but didn't really spend much time with him when we were in high school.

Fuck it. So me and Callum went and knocked on him. But when we knocked on him, we had this plan right that would like I'd get him right and go

come here come here you've got to look at this right and Callum's like up on the roof right and he goes what am I looking at

he's like watch when he puts his head over there and pulls his face it looks proper funny if you're looking up at it right and I got up to stand

backwards against the building I thought it was a school building actually got backwards against the building head back and Callum pissed in his face Jesus and he went he went home in a huff didn't he Actually, he got backwards against the building, head back, and Colin pissed in his face. Jesus.

And he went home in a huff. Didn't hang out with us again. He just got in and went, well, that's enough of them guys. Just splashed his face with water, went back, watched Big Boss Man. Thought I'd better learn some of these skills there you go well that's that

well got that one felt bad about that still day a bit actually what stuff have you done when you were a kid that you feel bad about like is there anything

that like I once I once killed a seagull did you I didn't mean to so that wasn't like signs of psychopath killing a seagull

no skimming stones it wasn't like skimming stones and got't like skimming stones and got hella lucky oh right I was feeling bad oh man you feel bad about that now

but at the time why are you like well I think it was like because we laughed and then it like and then it was just like there fucking floating out

and there was I think it was the first time I think it was the first time I ever fucking contemplated death boy did I I don't know what was in my future ah shit first time I think it was the first time I ever fucking contemplated death boy did I I don't know what was in my future

ah shit aye I see you got really prepared aye that's why I got my sister actually didn't learn a lesson I remember I fucking killed a bird

when I was a kid like what was her name I don't know he's Stalin I had these me and Rouge

got these pellet guns you can call them Gat Gun where you put in little BBs yeah you fucking you can put in little slugs you can put in BBs

in the thing right in there we used to go out the field and just fucking ping them off each other they're knacked as well they left my paintball well it's fucking I had fucking big lenses on

didn't I Rouge was missing an eye it happened before fucking Baker Grove we weren't a no right so me and Lee used to fucking ping each other It happened before fucking Baker Grove. We weren't a no. So me and Lee used to fucking ping each other with these all the time. And then it fucking looked like we were up like our guns as well.

Fucking pulled the mood on so many people. Jesus Christ. It's just other kids that were fucking like slagging you off from across the street. You're like, fucking say that again. Right, run away. I got you. fucking say that again while I run away I got rude so

I went into the woods and I fucking shot a bird and I fell out the tree and just started fucking like spazzing on the floor like fucking squawking

and like this fucking horrible cringe of fucking like feeling bad just went through me bones like I felt fucking sick

and I was like trying to ping it some more to try and kill it put it in a transmission I didn't want to stamp on it I couldn't bring myself to do that but like I pinged

a few bullets in it still wouldn't die just kept squawking on hit the fucking gun right at least I know I'm not a psycho because that I felt something

I mean you watched him die you can tell I'm not a psycho but you shot a bird and then emptied a fucking cap like you emptied a fucking calf. Like, you emptied a full fucking... What's the word?

Cartridge clip, that, actually. Full fucking clip into... Banana clip. Trying to feed it a banana. Oh, man, I fucking... I felt awful about that, but, you know, what do you do? It's probably still alive now. Fucking 25 years later, I just...

Oh, God. what do you do he's probably still alive no fucking 25 years later I just oh god what animal or insect do you wish humans could eradicate Colin you first because I know his answer is dogs what

what animal could you eradicate animal or insect if you could eradicate centipedes oh alright yeah they're fucking horrible

they are horrible but why were they never done to you just not like them just like how often do you run into centipedes oh right yeah they're fucking horrible they are horrible but why were they never done to you just not like them how often are you running into centipedes what how often are you

running into centipedes so you're just trying to get rid of something that doesn't affect you any you're just like right I didn't see that would you not rather

get rid of would you not rather get something that you're sick of you're just getting rid of something that you've never really spent much time with you've literally just you You're just getting rid of something that you've never really spent much time with?

You've literally just... Hi. You've literally just made your life zero different. Yeah. How do you say that? Hold on. What do I think?

Why are you eradicating them? To what end? To what end? What fucking animals would you eradicate? I mean, I'd probably get rid of... I mean,

I wish I could just get rid of all insects. I don't care if birds need them. Fuck them. What's it about? Spiders or flies. Fucking sea flies are getting birds need them. Fuck them. What's it about? Spiders or flies. Fucking sea flies will get in your house. Fuck them.

Get them out. Wasps, maybe. Mosquitoes could go for me. We're being too obvious now. I'm actually a fan of Ebola. Yeah, I reckon elephants. You're a pro trophy hunter. Fuck them. Aye. Fucking Nelson. I wouldn't get rid of people's dogs. No. your pro trophy hadn't fucked then

aye fucking Nelson I wouldn't get rid of people's dogs nah just them oh Jesus Christ that a flashback

of something terrible oh yeah dog oh come here we go ah this is incredibly unlucky there was like we were playing football in my front garden

my neighbour the one without the caravan the one with the caravan but this is the front garden right okay the whole caravan was hidden so anyway this is a garden with a fridge they had a sausage dog right my neighbor and the sausage dog was running around playing with us but we're playing the football right but uh and my neighbor lived down the road and his mother came out of the the house and was driving up past my house yeah and uh basically what happened was like uh chris miskicks the ball like yeah well it was but they're not using names but there you go he miskicks the ball it's his dog he kicks the ball and it goes over the thing a little bit onto the

road when his mother's coming up so his dog runs out after the ball and then his mother hits the dog and the dog flies over the fence and just lands at his feet and I remember just sitting there going like

was it done yeah oh yeah he just lifted it up in silence and walked off and I was just like no bananas

inside anyway careful what you say about dogs as well because they don't come back I've gotten like more repercussions

than anything I've said about what I said about dogs the other week probably why people hate dogs you're missing the point

I think I think they they may be too they're too fucking obsessed with their own dog they're like oh how can you not love my dog I'll have to say

I didn't mind dogs right there's some dogs I really like some I've gotten to know and I like them and I like their nature right but I can't just default love your dog

and I guess like you know what the same goes with your kids I can't just default love your kid the way you especially the way you do

like that's your kid and your dog I can't just manifest that through within the first minute of meeting them probably ever

but that's all I was saying is that I kind of match it but you feel like especially with a dog

you've got the need to give that dog some love as a boy and every time I do that it's a hoax

instead of faking it I've been wondering how we feel around Natalie oh you look so beautiful what a special day blah blah blah fucking Jesus Christ

it's called empathy what animal or insect would you eradicate then um I had mosquitoes

they're killing too many people hmm probably you know fuck sharks now fuck sharks I'd just give it a say why would you kill

fucking sharks sharks don't do fucking anything oh come on they were like the fuck is that big fish with teeth

like that's like you know if sharks didn't exist, right, and then somebody went, hey, I've got an idea. Can we put loads of these

in the ocean? You can. Aye, get on your bike. So all I'm saying, I'm just reverse-engineering it. Like, they basically just fucking chucked a monster in the sea.

What about snakes, though? Aye, you know what? I could have said either or. Did I tell you about the bloke in Blythe riding along on his bike with a snake? No said either or did I tell you about the bloke in Blythe riding along on his bike with a snake no

oh did I have I said it on the podcast yeah have I are you sure I think so I don't know I'm going to revisit it no here we go

actually I probably have have you heard it no no some guy went past with a camel and a snake listen to this yeah you pipe down

see see what I've put up with I'll get the counsellor back I see Some guy went past McCollum on a snake. Listen to this. You, pipe down. See? See what I'm talking about? Or get the cancer back. I see, huh? I was walking in to play Five Assayed and this guy cycled by

with a fucking reasonable, sizable snake around his arm, right? Like, it was wrapped around some of his bicep, all of his forearm and, like, head and hand

were about the same level. He's just cycling along with it, right? He's cycling past it and, like, just looked at it and, like, I kept my eye to it and he spotted it spotting him the same level and he's just cycling along with it right and he cycled past it and like just looked at it like I kept my eye to it and on him and he spotted us

spotting him I mean he's cycling around with a snake so I fucking went and got him and I said come back here I've got to have a photo of that so I fucking got a photo just to put on social media

and shit and he goes do you want to hold it and I'll take a photo and he went to give us the snake and I wasn't fearful I didn't have like a natural repulsion to the snake

and I was going to get it and then I thought imagine this is a scam and he's going to fuck off on his bike with his phone and I'm fucking chasing after him

with a snake I've got a snake on my arm yeah give me my phone back I think I've just seen the most blithe thing

that could possibly happen not apart from the passers-by that see me chasing a guy on a BMX holding a snake

and there was a point right where I nearly given my phone and took the snake and even if it was that because I want that story

that's the story I want in my life is me chasing a guy with a snake right but I was getting married like two days later or something so I was like

I'll probably deal with having my phone and not a snake nah you're gonna look pimp at the fucking altar imagine I turned up and we went and I was like

nah Natalie you haven't been able to get in touch with this person but look but generally if you were to ask Natalie what would she rather

walk down the aisle seeing you holding like a fucking snake or your phone that's the option you give her I'd get rid of wood pigeons

why that noise can fuck off that noise ruined my fucking childhood I've got them in the loft couldn't fucking sleep

it's this there you go fucking oh and like when I say eradicate right

I'm not talking we come up with some toxin that kills these things on my I'm saying you fucking collect them and I'll just twist their head

oh I proper like a wee like a wee pepper grinder just to eat in every just fucking just pestle and mortar just like a bin bag and a high heel

just a little ball bearing gun oh shit I fucking hate those crunts what other fucking animals do I think are shit pandas stupid

alright thick crunts proper thick pricks aye like if pandas become extinct right now and then you

attack your grandkids with pandas you just can't aye before you're born there's these shite bears they're like bears

but shite imagine a bear imagine being shite aye do you know all the bits of a fucking bear that make it

like an apex predator imagine like none of that imagine a bear on standby I hate animals that spend 92% of the day resting

koalas cats koalas women yeah koalas are they're just shit they're also shit bears

proper shit is koala the one that are like don't move too quick or they'll have a heart attack and die? I think, is that not? Oh, maybe it is.

I think it was a koala. Sloths are also pretty fucking shite. Aye. Sloths have no defence mechanism. So they get good friends called Kai. Do you know there was there was tons of fucking

megafauna around the place that humans wiped out. Oh, in Australia? Aye. Australia and Northern Americas. Down ten feet kangaroos

it was like kangaroos and sloths and shit like the size elephants and stuff but we just hunted them and we were just they were like let's get rid of these

if we're going to try and live safely to be fair like that's I'm against fucking the extinction of animals and fucking hunting

until they die but say if you moved to a place and there was a fucking ten foot ten foot fucking kangaroo I'm like, I am killing all of you first though, before I bring a child

into this world, I'm not bringing in a child into this world where you fucking exist, you giant bouncy prick. Australia's fucking mental out in the rainforest the guy was like I just, you know, so I, you're presumed that you know the size of animals, the guy was like, just you know you're presumed that you know the size of animals

the guy was like ah we've got a giant white tail rat just look out for that at night and I was like alright cool so in my head

I was like oh a big rat the size of my two fists yeah it was the size of like a small dog I saw one what the rat was

aye it's the size of a small dog and I just bolted and I was like oh kudos aye fucking proper like a rat that could actually eat a cat aye and I just bolted and I was like oh kiddos fucking appropriate like a rat that could actually eat a cat

aye and I was just like fuck that where was that Australia you know them fish with light bulbs on their head

oh the deep sea stuff I'd get rid of all them whoa you just fucked him off with a centipede aye you've just wiped him with a bunch

of shit that like you've never in your wildest dreams ever caught they're just like creating the fucking next society that's

gonna raise in fucking several million years basically you're fucking like that's essentially like repopulation abortion you know if if like there's a fucking

solar flare people are gonna get fucking antsy because the solar flare might not wipe us out I don't know I don't know what the fuck like radiation we might do it to ourselves it might be something to do with climate change but we get all wipedy because the solar flare might not wipe us out. I don't know what the fuck radiation, we might do it to ourselves,

it might be something to do with climate change, but we get all wiped out, right? The only way intelligent life could ever come back up again, I reckon, is from the deep blue. So you're just saying,

nah, nah, quarter eyes, that little fucking safe game. That's not good. That's a safe game that we've got going on down there.

That fish is not going to grow up to be like a nice fucking breed of humanoids, right? The other fish down there, the ones they're eating. Well, the one that's got the going to grow up to be like a nice fucking breed of humanoids right the other fish down there the ones they're eating well the one that's got the initiative

to fucking grow itself a light bulb keep that cunt no look at his eyes can't trust it you can rip it on me about his like centipedes wind

you ever come across that you're more likely to get a centipede I thought this argument for your age was a guy calling himself

down okay he's furious check out dinosaurs.com Atlantic Ridge next week that actually brings us very nicely on to plugging our and calm yourself down okay he's furious check out danielsloss.com my Atlantic ridge next week that actually brings us

very nicely on to plugging our shit visit danielsloss.com for all my tour dates we're adding extra dates just danielsloss.com do you have to type

in anything before it www.danielsloss.com and you can find me on www.coyotes.com forward slash shop use the discount code muggins if you want

to ship a ship do you have any shows coming up right now all in Scotland I'm doing the whole Scotland thing now

because I'm only moved here yeah because you're delighted alright living your best life Glasgow this weekend nice Glasgow stand yep

Glasgow stand go to the Glasgow stand to see a 40 stolen Chinese woman doing jokes actual jokes as well Colin

don't you real life jokes he keeps jokes alive ladies and gentlemen and all that that's you Matty and all that Colin your dad's

a full kit wanker at the water pool alright on the back of a horse in his fucking Colin, your dad's a full kit wanker at the water polo. Right. On the back of a horse in his fucking bandies. Daniel, your dad has an imaginary friend called Bob. Bob's real, it's just your dad imagines that they're friends. Colin, your dad ran a campaign to make abortion legal from the moment of conception

and called a prostitute a murderer for letting it drip down her leg. Kai, your mum threw out all of her dildos and then your dad fetched them back in his teeth like a dog. Kai, your dad has a funeral romper. Danny, your dad puts his underpants on arms first Colin your dad churns butter in his mouth well Danny

your dad's dream catcher is always wet Colin your dad gets up in the morning looks in the mirror shakes his head and then goes back to bed Kai

when your dad sings Old MacDonald he spells his own name Old MacDonald had a farm K-E-V-I-N had a farm he had a cow

L-I-N-D-A Kai your dad's a drag racing champion. 14 miles an hour, top speed. It's impressive in his. Colin, your dad uses guacamole as holistic medicine to cure your mom's periods. Colin, your dad suplexed her dog.

I was imagining that Right, Kai When your dad goes to a restaurant and when the waiter goes table for two, your dad's like, oh no, preferably now Danny, your dad turned up to parents' evening in high-vis clothing The teacher thought he'd come straight for work but he was on his way to a rave Kyle your dad eats grass with a spoon

Danny your dad broke up with his girlfriend at 13 years only two weeks that lasted your dad lost his watch in an orgy but he found it at 6am the next morning when that bloke's ass

woke him up your dad's horse skin has scales yeah well Danny your dad always wanted to be a pirate but just because he grew up listening to pirate radio stations

Daniel your dad washes his car always wanted to be a pirate but just because he grew up listening to pirate radio stations. Danny, your, your, Daniel, your dad washes his car, when your dad washes his car he wears denim shorts and a pink bikini top

that looks sexy but no one ever sees him because he uses the drive-thru. Colin, your dad barks at the hoover. Oh, Danny, your,

your dad blows raspberries on his own stomach. I did that one yes did you so he goes ah it's better too faster Cullen

your dad got his nipple pissed to his lip Cullen oh sorry Kai your dad eats tomatoes like oranges

whole to cure his depression sorry Kai your dad eats tomatoes like oranges whole to cure his depression Danny when your dad gets caught having sex with a woman he goes it's not what it looks like Danny he worked in earlier today and I was

watching Dungeons and Dragons character building walkthrough and when he walked in I slammed my lap shut but it's not what it looks like I was watching porn

Danny your dad invited his friends around and as soon as they got there he went to bed Kyle your dad watched one Richard Herring gig and now he thinks

drinking on bongo is cultural appropriation Your dad Kyle your dad watched one Richard Herring gig and now he thinks drinking on bongo is cultural appropriation your dad Kai your dad says you sunk my battleship every time he flushes the toilet

Colin your dad got rushed into hospital at a Sunday league game because he kneed himself in the face trying to take a penalty

I went out for a goal kick I have one more what do you do is that it oh we're all done no no I want to hear it

it's not even a good one now when we've got the last one right Kai your dad identifies as a woman just because he gets

paid less than all the other mad lads at work oh fun well that was a podcast all right peace dan lee