Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.15 Where've you been since 9/11?

Episode Date: November 19, 2018

With some home made conversation starters Muggins, Cream and Snunky (@ryancullen90) plan their own funerals and share stories about crying. This episode is mostly us laughing. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

U-G-L-Y-U-N-G-O-N-O-L-A-B-U-C-U-L-L-E-N. Hey, hey, you Cullens. Oh, no. This is Sloss and Humphries on the road. And we're joined by a very special guest, Ryan Cullen. What are you laughing at? I'm very proud of the fact that I do reckon

we're the only interview podcast in the world in a sentence no where we just fucking rip the guest the second they come on yeah so anybody you don't get that

Graham Norton do you nah you should should but on Graham Norton his fucking guests on Graham Norton you can see it on the podcast

you have to imagine it so just for your imagination's sake Ryan Cullen today is a big gay bear he's a big gay bear 6 foot 7 wait wait wait

like do you mean in the homosexual world or an actual bear no no I mean the gay bear the gay bear big gay

yeah and he's wearing so like Dave Longley but like straighter hairier he's hairy he's wearing a leather cut like off Sons of Anarchy

but shirtless you know he's got his trousers down to his ankles he's got a he's wearing a leather cut like off Sons of Anarchy but shirtless he's got his trousers down to his ankles he's got a he's got a mum tattoo on his right thigh yeah it's a heart

with the word mum on it with a bow and arrow going through it a bow and arrow not just the arrow the bow as well the arrow went through the heart

but Cupid was like nah he fucking loves his mum he's got he's got an anchor tattooed on his shoulder but there's also a chain going all the way up to the was like nah he fucking loves his mum he's got he's got he's got an Anka tattooed on his shoulder but there's also a chain going all the way up

to the ship that's tattooed on his head so that's what you look like for today's listeners that's great I'm not even going to argue with it because I was a large Chinese person

last night wait wow so you're saying this is an upgrade you fucking wow wow so what we've learned about Ryan Cullen is he thinks

Gay bears are better than Fat Chinese women Which one would you go to see in a zoo? The panda's both The panda's both Well this's the podcast Pete thanks for coming on the show

see you next week so Colin I've really enjoyed the Scottish leg of the tour because I've been staying at your house which used to be mine with Daniel

and you haven't moved off the same spot on the couch I know that you've been to gigs right I know that you've been going to the Glasgow and going to the stand, but like,

when you leave before you, you get back after you. And I just, I've just, my impression of you is that you just curl up like a cat on the couch. It is that.

It is. You are like, you are like a fucking cat because I fucking leave at the right, for an undetermined amount of time and I come back in the same position

and I'm like, I know you've been up to stuff. Because I can still, because I can still piss on me stuff. I look at you and I'm like look I'll find out what you did I'm like where you been who's been feeding you I fed myself right okay right where'd you get the food from oh just places all right and I don't like you're like a cat because when Daniel's not here you'll cuddle up next to us and be all nice and then the minute Danny gets in you just distance yourself and stare at us from across the room.

Classic cat. That's not the food, is it? I've ordered food. Oh, you don't have food? Oh, we're like three minutes in and we're going to break for food. We should have thought this through. No, it wasn't. What was it?

Jehovah's Witness. It is Tamanay. Well, no, because you know how they are with sunlight. it? Jehovah's Witness? Is this Tamanay? Well, no, because you know how they are with sunlight. Or Jehovah's Witnesses. You get them confused with Antlers. Don't think I'm getting confused. I think you're confusing them as two separate things. Have you seen the Book of Mormon?

What? The musical? No, the actual book. I've not seen the musical, but I've read the book. I'm sure it's the same that's Jamie that's a great way of

have you ever seen the book of Mormon no I've read the book though oh so you're a Mormon I love doing

that with just fucking random shit like you know someone's like oh you've seen Corrie you've seen

Coronation Street no I've read the book you've seen Two Girls One Cup seen Coronation Street I've read the book you've seen Two Girls One Cup oh man read the series book series

fucking hell have you seen the news the audiobook no no I've read the book don't tell us what happens

don't tell us what happens I'm still on fucking 1913 you know what there's a genuine question for you later on in this

we're going to be coming up with our own conversation stories But I just had one occur to me naturally there Where were, and this is within the opening of the podcast Where were you on 9-11? I was at the airport Oh

Let me check those hands Oh, they're pretty fucking red I was at the airport, I worked at Newcastle Airport at the time and I was a cleaner and I cleaned the aeroplanes do you remember that hey do you know

the you cleaned aeroplanes aye do you not know this inside and out I would sometimes get up on a cherry picker

would you on top of them yeah not on top of them but like do you get to feed them or anything here's a boy here's a boy Would you? On top of them? Yeah. Not on top of them, but like a mesh. Do you have to feed them or anything? Here's a boy.

Here's a boy just petting its mane. Playing mane. Right, so, you don't know this about cleaning aeroplanes. They call the bags that you put the litter in gash bags. And they call the litter gash. I don't know why it's a terminology,

but it's like the gash bags I mean I might have been pranked no but I thought I thought it was I thought yeah and after he believed that and they were like

and this is called the cockpit this muggle believe anything these are the gash bags this is the cockpit this week experience excuse me can you go put the gas bags

in the cockpit can you get the gas bags out of the cockpit and this mug's walking around thinking they're both called that so yeah legit because I thought

it was just something that like a terminology that my cleaning crew wait you also think it's called terminology

terminology no you've done it again terminology you've done it again and then I was watching after Big Brother

was it Big Brother 2 with Brian Dowling I've read the book yeah good book George Orwell yes he was getting interviewed and he mentioned I've read the book yeah good book George Orwell yes he was getting

interviewed and he mentioned that the gas bags were called gas bags and I thought oh I thought

it was just us sitting there so nationwide gas bags so where were you when you found out about 9-11 were you cleaning

a plane I was in a gas bag gaffer taped up in the cockpit going beep beep and I was I think I was putting you know bag gaffer taped up in the cockpit going beep beep beep beep and I was

I think I was putting you know the booklets that you get with the the rules not the not the call the rules is it

you know the laminated sheet of rules like oh the safety features make sure you put like your own mask on plan B uh huh

alright the little laminated plan B sorry plan A which is the booklet, like these are nice holiday destinations. Plan B, put your own oxygen mask on before the babies.

Roll the dice. That's, yeah, that's the way they do it. You go, no, no, no, probably plan C because it's like,

look, here's the holiday destination. Here's what you can see plan B is the if you also maybe want to do some shopping in the sky

that option's a good plan 3 he has a sick bag if you're a pussy alright plan D oh boy it was a real dive

yeah we'll have to elaborate that one just to get the blood off it for next time because I tell you what plan A, B and C they all change plan D

doesn't so I was putting the air tour packs together the what air tours I guess a service operator in LA and I was getting the booklet the sick bag the plan D and then I was putting them

together and one of the engineers went through and went come watch this we've got a telly and the engineers got everything and that's all

and by the way for future reference that's all it takes to get Kai into any room all you have to do is run up to Kai and go hey Kai

we've got a telly a good drop man I was so tempted to do it on his wedding day because he would have fallen he would have been like

Natalie he wouldn't do this for nothing so he was like fucking shit's going down in New York and

shit was going down in New York but it was showing you like replays of the fucking tower going down don't call them replays.

Is it fucking replays of the minotaur? No, for a tragedy, it's the footage. It's the VAR. If it's a tragedy, you call it footage, right? That's what it is. It's footage of the tragedy. Replay. It's not a replay.

It's not a replay. They're not doing replays in the holocaust documentaries aren't replays of genocide leave the highlights of bloopers

there's only two ways there's only two ways of showing you stuff that happened the fact that you called them replays

really let me know how seriously you took this tragedy can rewind it but what was like I wasn't like worldly I wasn't like worldly

I wasn't worldly wise at the time so like New York just felt like it was happening on the fucking moon or something

I just thought that's somewhere I'll never get to see it's somewhere I've heard of I never looked at the fucking moon had they done it

on the moon first of all don't know if the plane would have crashed might have bounced off it how does moon gravity work oh yeah dad's

going to be going fucking to TLA 9-11 could have happened on the moon would have crashed might have bounced off it how does moon gravity work oh yeah dad's gonna be going fucking to TLA 9-11 could have happened on the moon would have taken ages to fall down might have gone up might have gone up a bit

they had to fucking move it my dad is but that is a good point I don't know how that would work if you did let's say 9-11 happened on the moon

right first of all there's not an explosion oh no there is because the gas is still there but it's not an explosion. Oh, no, there is because the gas is still there. Like, okay. But it's a small explosion. The fire doesn't happen.

Yeah. It'd be really weird if the building would just... It would be weird. Like, first of all... It's like a paper airplane hitting the wall. Would it still go in?

Like, I would still... Could it still go in? I don't know how it would have propulsion. I don't think it would... You'd have to replace it with a rocket. Anyway, right, enough about the moon. I felt like...

You know, the moon 9-11s were fake. 9-11 was real. The moon landing was real. But the moon 9-11s, those were fake. Those were definitely fake. That's the only conspiracy theory I believe in. The moon 9-11. The moon 9-11s were fake.

Right, so let's get back to this let's get back let's get back to stuff that really happened alright that's also just to give a back

to my favourite thing for any time somebody claims something any time something definitely happened it's always funny to say big if

like any time somebody mentions world war 2 just say big if turn everything into a conspiracy theory continue okay hurry up alright World War 2 just say Big If turn everything into a conspiracy theory continue

okay hurry up alright you're gaslit you're fucking gaslit you're gaslit by this snake you big bear you float mothers aye the other one hit

like the Calamitru the first one I hit did you just think That was another replay Aye Shit a different angle Full shot

Combo I was like Holy death I was starting a slow clap Like the Icelandic Football fans You had an Iceland match When it happened

And it caught on I was in primary school. Aye. We got the last hour. Why did you say that as if it was an alibi? I was in primary school. I don't know where you were. There were witnesses. I was in primary school.

He has my food. It is. So you were in primary school for 9-11? Yeah. I remember we got the last hour off. We got the last hour off we got the last hour off free and they called

all our parents and said like this is collect the kids something's happened 10,000 miles away because that's the thing I think

I guess like I don't think my brothers really sort of take into context like I think 9-11 was definitely the biggest ever tragedy

in my lifetime like it was a day it was a week stopper like it stopped everyone's fucking week you know what it come to my mind there was definitely the biggest ever tragedy in my lifetime. It was a week stopper. It stopped everyone's fucking week. You know what came to my mind there which is like

a stupid parallel but Diana was huge but there shouldn't even be they just speak to the people's princess but there shouldn't

be saying the same breath. One was one person. Yeah, one was a bunch of innocent people and one was this person yeah one was a bunch of innocent people and one was this dirty whore who betrayed the queen

so she got what was coming to her right and I'm not saying it was a set up all I'm saying is good planning

Thin Lizzy it's been there for the queen Thin Lizzy because I was I didn't despite 9-11 being on my birthday I didn't find

the actual Twin Towers until three days afterwards which birthday was it? my 11th 11th birthday so we were in a place called Ardroy which if there's any

fucking podcast listeners from fucking the middle the inner area know this in like primary 7 you took like a week to go with your class

to this place where you go rock climbing and jumping in like fucking rivers and canoeing and shit like it was a whole week thing you used to play at school

aye holy shit aye and that's not even a rich school that's just a not blithe school that's just a school

I said applied so in school they just went oh we're going out the wood yeah you had to pay like fucking 50 quid

but basically school trip yeah school trip yeah so we went out there for a full week and then my birthday was on the uh tuesday so my parents had like given the teachers like presents to give me to open up then on the morning everyone should be happy birthday we all have like breakfast together

and then we were on the um we're like rock climbing or fucking hill walking or some shit and then we're all on the fucking uh bus on the way back and all the teachers are just like shh and they turn up the radio but none of us we're all like

I wonder what the teachers are listening to none of us listen to the radio we're like I wonder why they've stopped so they can listen to the radio

I wonder what's fucking going on but none of us had the ingenuity to listen to what was going on and the teachers wouldn't be honest

any kid on a school trip on the way back is going to be like hold on I'm going to turn the wireless off oh wait the world

trade centres my two favourite buildings as an 11 year old so you found out like a few

days later went back on Friday and then when you didn't know about it did somebody go

where have you been since 9 11 I got back and my mum and dad were like

alright here's the rest of your fucking presents also happy birthday we love you also just to let you know I got back and my mum and dad were like alright here's your here's your the rest of your fucking presents also happy birthday we love you also just to let you know

like some serious shit went down they tried to explain it to me but you just all I knew is like they were both not scared

they were like fucking this shit's serious and then obviously a couple days later America declared war on Iraq and I remember this is how fucking

young and stupid we were we were all over the years like outside playing Kirby did you ever play Kirby aye were we were all over the years outside playing Kirby did you ever play Kirby? aye I've caught caught aye so we're playing Kirby and just a normal

fighter jet from fucking somewhere below the inflow over top and me and my three friends started chanting USA because we all were like that's

that they're gone they've gone to bomb Iraq like I just watched the news and I was like Iraq's the bad guys America's the good guys this is

so this is chronologically what happened so we can map this out right you were second one hit first you were on a school trip aye aye

and everyone's like happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday to you fuck what's his name Daniel happy birthday to you put the cake down in front of you

and you just went and wished for it and then the plane hit the tower right that's what happened aye

look and he has me thinking it was the Jews what did you wish for really well no look I'm not I'm not admitting

what you're saying all I'm saying is for the previous three years I'd wished for an Xbox and not got one. How was I to know the power of wishes? Third one lucky. Better than an Xbox.

I just thought there, because when I had the impression of this blown out of cake, I blew all over your wine. Right? I felt bad about it. But how come? I just blew all over it, and spit to spit, coming out of your wine. I'm like, bad about it. But how come? I just blew aloe right and spit to spit

coming out of your wine. I'm like, that was a bit of a dick move. How come you don't feel like that when you're blowing the cake? How come you don't blow the cake and go, I just spat aloe.

How come you spit when you blow? Well, you try and blow candles out. You're not just... There's nail liquid on my hand when I blow my hand. There's a lot of air and it's moist.

It's not moist moist air coming out of your mouth moist air it's your mouth get close to the window blow on the window it's getting humid that's perspiration

that's different perspiration condensation yeah which is moisture that's in your breath you're putting out moist breath aloe in a cake

no it's not wet if I blow my hand it's not wet my dad losing his mind dad's losing his mind it's definitely not perspiration that's I know it's not I know it's not pers. If I blow my hand, it's not wet. You know when you're like... My dad losing his mind. Dad's losing his mind. It's definitely not perspiration. That's...

No, it's not. I know it's not perspiration. I said the wrong word. Oh, my God. Okay, Google. Wait, so... XOXO. We are pretty much just breathing your moist air out of the cake.

Just don't call it moist air. That's why it's cake for moist. No, there's some people that heard you say the words moist air and they flinched. People flinch at the word moist. Aye. Aye. Do there's some people that heard you say the words moist air and they flinched people flinch at the word moist aye do you have any words that put you

off aye is it just a fucking cross if somebody fucking comes at you holy water

rangers I don't I don't think I think I'm immune to all words are you yeah I'm immune to all words are you yeah I'm immune

to a word where I'm like oh I get you know like oh really pickle right

right let's just fucking we're starting pickle pickle what was the point of just making pickle

no no look you were wrong saying you sweat all over the cake I'm admitting I'm wrong saying that in like words somebody quote me

the day after the cake I was about to say World Cup oh yeah England won today so we're all happy that's why we're all in such good spirits

though we don't talk about football on the podcast so let's just move on crap gaslit me I think don't tune out

If you're not interested In football I don't think Hold on Because people get like Oh don't talk about football We're not going to get Into the dynamics of it

This is more of a Social observation Today you boys Celebrated Croatia's goal Like it meant Everything right Like there's an Irish boy And a Scottish boy

They fucking Jumped off their seats The fucking Like it was as if Scotland had scored Which they did Four times yesterday There's an Irish boy and a Scottish boy they fucking jumped off their seats the fucking like it was as if Scotland had scored Which they did four times yesterday Against ten Albanians

I enjoyed watching it it was good No offence Albanians but I've got shit for my team So he's jumping up fucking celebrating the Croatia goals

and then like England pulled off a fucking epic comeback It was great And the second goal was genuinely fucking excellent The first one was a a fucking epic comeback it was a good comeback and the second goal was genuinely fucking excellent the first one was a fluke the first one was a tap

that was that was regardless of how the goals happened in the second it was a good match you dominated but like you just switched off

how invested you were in the whole thing that's what Mickey Mouse did I was like hang on rewind five minutes it wasn't

you were so energetic you're so filled with joy you've got to understand when England are losing my team is

winning but when England are winning my team's not losing that's not my team

that's Croatia if they're beating England I'm like oh my team's winning it's the whole backboard

it's reparations it is you know what he made it as a joke but you know what that is what it is and it's very small reparations Germany had to pay

billions and billions of pounds had to you know do a bunch of other shit for reparations for the war for all the ones you've started I laugh when you lose because you see it's like historical

you see it's like oh well they oppressed oh I couldn't like oh come on like the fucking North East was oppressed by the British government fucking oh it's like historical you say it's like oh well they oppressed our country like how come on like the fucking northeast was oppressed by the British government

fucking oh it's why you support England because I'm English it's like you're born there you know just like you're a Chelsea fan nice hang on

so it's it's just one of the things where you're like it's about history you're like why do you not hate the German team if it's

if you're that like ingrained in the past you're like why do you not hate the German team if it's if you're that like ingrained in the past right why the fuck do you not hate the German team because it's actually like

to speak for this like we just I don't hate the it is from India though isn't it it's like it's like a social

conditioning you've had I wasn't raised around Germans there was never any the Germans were always apologetic about everything to do with the war whereas England's

never apologised for winning the World Cup in 1966 you've never apologised for winning the World Cup in 1966. You've never apologised for it at all. So, like, I've never been brought up to hate Scotland. I've been brought up to like Scotland. I've been brought up to like Ireland. I've been brought up to like Northern Ireland, Wales, right?

I've been brought up to like these neighbours, right? And then it's so weird when you find out, like, I mean, I didn't just find it out at the World Cup. I mean, it was fucking prevalent in the World Cup but it's so weird to find out that you were all raised to hate us like it's such a weird thing to find out

going well what's that it's not just us because that doesn't make us the bad guys if we're raised to like you it's not just us if you guys are raised

to hate people it's the rest no no no it's the rest of us you had times when we were in Europe where people kept going you know when people when they found out

you were fucking English genuinely just went oh god yeah it's don't think don't blame it just on these Wales, Ireland, Northern Ireland, Scotland

it is it's worldwide it's worldwide like when I go into shops and they find out I'm Irish their mood changes they go oh yeah when people find out

I'm Scottish is that in London? America loves you America loves you but a lot of places it's not hate but you just go I do notice a change

they go where are you from you're speaking to someone you're Scotland they're like ah okay yeah it's great yeah and actually I get that

when I'm gigging in Ireland and gigging in Scotland like I seem like I'm let off the hook for being a Geordie 100% 100% I think it's

London you hate I don't think it's London I don't even think it's because I hate London for separate reasons doesn't think but London is genuinely fucking wicked city

alright liberals fuck go fucking people it's literally a world headquarters yeah totally is but that's just not

my type of fucking scene I don't like being in the centre of that I prefer Edinburgh with the white people aye that's what you just don't think no no

but you said it was history as well though but like it wasn't that long because it was I was like I was 10

we were being searched by British soldiers I was like 10 years old when it stopped aye but you were trying to smuggle drugs out of the country aye

so they were probably party pop power bus killers no what's your point so you've actually been pattened out down at the age of 10 aye yes no well they would buzzkillers what's your point so he actually been patting down at the edge of the

hill yes well they would leave us in the car and then they would check the car and then they would

do shit like they would just find the armorer's person I hate to jump to Kairi's

defence but was there actually like the British Army were people just checking out Eugene's

car like was this all over Ireland Eugene got stopped every time and they all knew his name or were people just checking out Eugene's car? Like, was this all over Ireland? Eugene got stopped every time. I bet he fucking did. And they all knew his name. Did your dad not get battered off both sides once?

Aye. Of the Irish and the British? Aye. Tell the story again. No, it wasn't the Irish. It was the British soldiers and the Irish. Tell the story again. He's from a very, very Catholic area.

In Ireland? In Northern Ireland. Northern Ireland, okay. And then, like, basically, he started growing up with a problem. He's from a very, very Catholic area. In Ireland? In Northern Ireland. Northern Ireland, okay. And then basically he started going out with a... He's Catholic. So he started going out with a Protestant girl, which is like the biggest... So this is like old school Romeo and...

Bang on. New school Romeo and Juliet. Old school Romeo and Juliet. New school Romeo and Juliet. New school Romeo and Juliet I've read the book Baz Dernan White Pistols

anyway yeah so basically he started going out with a Protestant girl that's a big massive no-no so one night when he was coming

home after being at her house right at resume not having sex he got pulled into a van a big white van

pulled in and came in and it was all like the unionists like the the protestants says and they'll kick the out of him left him in hospital sleeping with one of the girls yeah yeah and then he went to hospital had a few days in hospital and then when he got out of hospital um on the walk home uh the ira pulled up in a van his side and put him in and kicked the out of him as well and apparently while they were kicking when you kick his head in

they were like where are, where are you? Where are you all bruised or whatever? And he was like, oh, they got me first. And apparently the lads were like, that's a fucking disgrace. How dare they get our man before we do? And I was like,

it was so childish. He got battered off both of them. Yeah. Because Natalie's dad's ranger, that's Protestant, isn't it? Aye. And he went with a Muslim. So...

No repercussions everyone was like no I've seen that before they had to fix check the rule book it's not in there I'm not even sure

what type of bigotry to apply to this they're just they're just they're phoning up fucking someone in America

being like look is that the KKK headquarters hi it's Paddy hi hi UKIP hi

right so one of our one of our boys he's married to a Muslim he's Protestant yeah it's not in our rule book either do they do tot and dish dashes that's it over

oh well I think it's perfect time then for our own custom made time then for our own custom made conversation starts for our own custom made conversation

we should split it up into the first conversations that we've done wherever you've been since 9-11 you gonna go first? I've got I've got two

we've all got two this is a question to both of you would you reckon your funeral would be like I think it totally depends

right doesn't it it's like if you die now alright I'm going to say let me add a caveat if you die in the next

ten years right would you reckon that funeral looks like poorly attended I think it's going to be

pretty busy I think it's not arrogant to say I think I've got I've got myself quite a fucking wide

social circle and it's going to be so busy I reckon Milo's going to exit Florida I think there'd be a bunch of comedians there right

but there'd also be a subgroup of comedians who I don't know that well mopping up all the gigs there's going to be so many people just profiting from me just a bunch of people

just being like fucking hell Darren Sloss's best friend space just opened up I get to get that man if I get in there I get that sweet sweet

tourist spot and then Gareth Wall walks in being like settle down bitches Gareth Wall would be so conflicted he'd be so conflicted because he's just picked up

a fucking like a nice job it's a fucking good job going around all these different gigs daily midweek work right

like fucking seeing the world that's opened up for him but he's got to put on a face like he's got to so so at your funeral Gareth Waugh is walking around

like dishing out crocodile tears oh he's fucking handfuls of chains in the collection tree I just hit the jackpot guys more flowers

I reckon you know what I mean Natalie I have a contingency plan for your death this aye you start

fucking up no after the funeral but just no no but not but not because we're into each other

but literally just because it'll be funny like we're gonna do no our contingency plan is whenever one of us finds out that that you're dead

we get in contact with the other one and then the mission from that point onwards is just to head towards each other because we can't be arsed to deal with

anyone else's shit he's just wanted to tell Kai stories until they expire and after three days just go and we should probably part ways

I think who would be Paul Bearer's like that would be I want him Paul Bearer I'll hire him he died? did he be Paul Bearer's? Like, that would be, like, I wanted Paul Bearer. I'll hire him. Did I? Did he?

Paul Bearer the wrestler. Aye. Aye, go on. I bet they had some, like, smoky conversations. Right,

right, everyone just go to your system. We're going to need Paul Bearer. That's for Paul Bearer. Right, we just need it. Right, like,

laugh it up. Low hanging fruit, I get it everyone say what's your job there ball bearer I thought he was the dead one aye

I remember when my mum asked me if I'd be my grandad Harry's ball bearer and I said yes immediately but my next question was you have asked other people

as well it's not just going to be me is it it's just like there's arched out I'm dragging off the floor what's the what's the fucking thing they carry babies in the baby pure just you It's not just going to be me, is it? Just arched our ass, dragging off the floor. What's the fucking thing they carry?

Babies in the baby buoys. Just you carrying your granddad out on a baby buoy. I'll crumble over the bottom of it. No, no, no. His head's on your left shoulder. His arms are over your shoulder. His legs are over your shoulder. And the way you get him off.

He's not even in a coffin. No, no. He's in a full baby buoy around your body, right? And I'm just wearing a beard like Alan off The Hangover. And then you just walk up to where the fucking open

grave is and just like unhooking your bra. You just clip it off. I got flabbed that much because I'm overcompensated.

That was, please, bury me like that. I met met a baby Bjorn and just fucking tap me in honestly

for my funeral just fuck around just properly you've got to take a line of coke off your casket like there's gotta be

a couple of there's gotta be a bit of I'm doing it off your body when they're honestly when they're like

will you come in and identify the body I'll be like can I bring Matty like oh can you give us can you give us a moment of privacy please

just so we can say bye and just just in your forehead just cut up two fat lines and then laugh at your dick for a minute

oh man we dick we dick we be shite if I'm deep like like it's minute oh man we take we take we shite if I'm deep like like it's it's

like it's it's it's only it's only just hanging on in there with a bit of blood pumping

but with no blood coursing through my veins that dick is gonna look shit that's honestly that's why

I just wanted to be a Roasted Natalie we're gonna do an open casket but a Roasted Natalie we're going to do an open casket but from the bottom end we're covering your face just fucking we're going to do

a Donald's Duck open casket right so it's just bottom half fully visible no trousers right look at his cock

the chubby cock they're going to free up the fucking the corner and just like lift up the blanket and be like I'm dying of embarrassment

put a couple of pogs on your eyes I'm just regardless of how regardless of how you're buried even if it's inside of a church

right after five minutes I'm going to be stood as far away as I can with a bow and flaming arrow. Just like, it's what he wanted! Just missing. I've not trained. I knew this day was coming. And I've not trained in archery. You couldn't get away with so much shit at my funeral by saying it's what he could have wanted.

Because regardless of how ridiculous it is people are just going aye it's going to turn into a fucking brawl I'm going to run up chin Kev it's what he would have wanted

put him through a fucking win and not because I hate Kev but just because I know if I hit him I'm going to lose that fight I've got to knock him out

in the first punch right with that we take a leg he's going to knock that fight I've got to knock him out in the first punch right with that we take a leg he's going to knock around 60 with that leg is he? aye he's doing well

what do you reckon his funeral's going to be like? I'll check me once what weird you know funeral rights do your species have? I don't know

I reckon I reckon the reviews would be better critics will love it finally one one one

one Colin death that we enjoyed would you have it in Ireland would you make Wild Fly out do you reckon

it's the same level I said it in the same book I flew to Ibiza for my wedding you made you made him fly to Ibiza for your wedding and then for his funeral you'd be like you're not going to a flute to Ibiza for my wedding you made him fly to Ibiza

for your wedding and then for his funeral you'd be like you're not going to have it in Ireland are you as if he's organising it

he's like 16 pounds in jet two you you spitefully you spitefully booked a wedding in Ibiza

purely under the impression that Colin couldn't afford it I didn't think he could exactly right I don't know what happened. He had a little tear down. Right, and then you've got the audacity to when he's dead being

like, oh, your bitch mum's not going to have it near where she lives, is she? Go fly Mary on Edinburgh. Closed casket as well. I can't make it, by the way. You're going to have closed casket. Or maybe the legs. Will you have any, because you mentioned you're deeply Catholic. You mentioned you're going to have a closed casket will you have any because you mentioned you're deeply Catholic

you mentioned you're like you're proper Catholic aye does that mean that means you're a nonce aye

does that mean it's going to have bells and whistles and trimmings is there stuff that's going to be expected of your funeral if you died young

would your parents make it like a probably Catholic funeral or make it a probably a Catholic funeral or make it a Catholic one but yeah will there be people

like if we turned up and just were the way we were obviously going to be at your funeral like people would look at us being like fucking those cunts

aye they'd say those cunts aye because we'd be doing be thrown upon expected to do it you know aye

you know you expect I'll do it I'll do it the know alright you know you expect I'll do it like I'll do it the only way to make a funeral I'm getting on the session with you really

I'll put it on the will because people you know fucking you know funerals are the only

one of the only fucking social things in the world where they're going oh don't ruin this by making it fun like every other thing like fucking

weddings birthdays new years fucking anniversaries valentine's day every single type of fucking gathering that you

fucking have family reunion it's like let's find ways to make this fun anyone who's trying to make it fun you're

like fuck it then put the effort in whereas for funerals for some reason just because it's sad they're like

right this is the only one where let's all just imitate the feeling that we know we should make it fucking fun I want my entire

funeral to be every single festival oh no I want it to be every single person a festival no I want it to be every single person going on to the fucking stage

altar whatever and just telling the worst story they have about me right something where I was a dick something where I was irrational

something where I was fucking selfish something where I was just pure vintage sloss right so by the end of the funeral you're all like I'm fucking glad he's dead

I'm gonna let you do me I'm gonna get up and just tell funeral you're all like I'm fucking glad he's dead I'm gonna let you do me I'm gonna get up and just tell the most mundane shit like I'm gonna be like he had that dinosaur remember he got that dinosaur as if I've led a shit life

I'm gonna go oh man it's great like when I used to live at his house such a long career let's just look at his Paul O'Grady clip I'll go

I'll go oh man it's great because he had the dinosaur and then I'd go for a cup of tea and I'd be like aye he's got a dinosaur cup he loves dinosaur Stanley but that was

that was Daniel wasn't it aye he loved that's why we all bought him dinosaur gifts if there's one thing we can say about Slaus he loved the dinosaur he was always

the dinosaur in Fortnite aye aye true aye wee easter egg aye and em at Slaus he loved the dinosaur he was always the dinosaur in Fortnite aye true aye wee easter egg aye and erm

Colin I didn't know what I was going to say next you know what you can say next your conversation let's just start

that for real Colin when was the last time you cried that was a good one I can tell you Mike because it's way more recent I don't think I can tell you Mike because it's way more recent

I don't think I've you know what I nearly cried are you sure when I was one someone took my dummy I was like I'm feeling something

go for that one when was the last one you nearly cried then just before you got in the door today oh yeah no I'm kidding that was

that was all I said for a really bad joke because honestly there was part of me being like we should do the podcast Colin you cried earlier the day when Harry Kane scored

yeah that was that was happy tears happy tears happy tears for the Croatian did I I can't remember so

I I cry occasionally with fucking just I I can't remember so I I cry occasionally we're fucking just like I don't know if I've met I hear fucking repeat stuff on podcasts

but there was one have I ever told this story about reading about the Battle of Trafalgar I don't do you know about this I'm not calling

no so I was on a Glastonbury come down I'm sure it was Glastonbury it may have been it'd be fine I don't know but I was reading I was on a Glastonbury come down. I'm sure it was Glastonbury. It may have been a B5. It was definitely Glastonbury. But I was reading a book of 50 things about British history that you should know.

And I was reading about the Battle of Trafalgar. And Horatio Nelson got shot through the eye and was dying on the board of the ship during the battle. And they went on to win the battle using his plans using his plans of like engagement while he was dying and he was apparently a really good leader and everything

and I was like fucking getting welled up reading who Nelson's dying fucking hell because they would come down

I do you sometimes invoke them don't you by watching fucking soldiers coming home to that dog

I probably sometimes if I've got the fucking eyes to myself and it's been a couple of months since I've cried because I love a good

cry mate I probably do you watch soldiers coming home to that dog but I'm watching that video going that could be the fucking postman

and the dog would give it the same licks no not true the other ones are the soldiers coming home to the kids always fucking get it to me when a fucking soldier comes home would give it the same licks no not true but the other ones are the other ones are the soldiers coming home to the kids always fucking get it to me

when a fucking soldier comes over any soldiers coming home right because that's just love colourblind people being given

in chroma glasses fucks oh yeah people get here for the first time oh man just suddenly realise and the other one

I mean this is how fucking that's like me on acid when I get a visual imagination. Just give guys some mushrooms. I get really into the fucking crying stuff. One of my biggest ones recently, the ones I properly fucking get off to,

I get properly wet to, is like... The 9-11 replays? It's like stepdads being like surprised with like their stepkids

taking their second name or being fully adopted like so it's like I know I've seen them man honestly

so it's basically like so this woman's had a kid and then for whatever reason doesn't work out with their partner they die whatever

and then there's this stepdad that raises them from a young age and it's just these kids they want this is their partner they die or whatever and then there's this stepdad that raises them from a young age and it's just these kids they want this is their dad

they want the fucking second name and they surprise the dad with the deed and everything and all it is is it's grown men heavily tattooed

massive blokey blokes shrieking in tears and I'm just like if you're crying I'm done I can't fucking I'm done I'm in tears like and I'm just like if you're crying I'm done I can't fucking hang on I'm

I'm I'm I'm I love shit like that like with paying it back to the parents I watched one where a kid

paid his parents mortgage off on the sly and then like revealed it to them that their mortgage was paid off like you know their parents have just been fucking grafting it out

they're like fuck two things I want to do for my parents is I want to do for my parents is I mean they're doing fine but they might pay off their mortgage

before I can but the other one is like just fucking fully invest in necromancy and bring Josie back just do something nice

well Daniel I'm already on it I've dug around What happened there What's the option Of a ball player Who you are Criminal

It's a criminal For those who don't know Jersey is my deceased Dessert You kind of laughed At that You laughed hard At that

And you did The same reaction To those things I told you when you celebrated the England, the Croatia, you're wired wrong,

you're wired wrong, you shouldn't be fighting joy out of that. So, I mean, I remember when Granit

passed away, I was like, I was like, sorry, sorry, sorry, I've seen you all the time.

That was the one as well where we knew it was coming he was a very old man and he'd been through fucking everything

he'd been fought off cancer heart attack strokes he was just fucking soldiered on to the age of 86 when he passed away

I was in a barrel of snot like a massive like I was just a fucking absolute clip I think getting like that like you can't you can't i don't understand how people can get like that over just like just menial things you know

day-to-day stuff should then again then again i totally agree with you like getting that worked up over small things right but the one thing i will say is like uh jean someone and she won't mind saying Jean will cry at the drop of a hat right she'll cry at the drop of the hat like

but it'll be over in five minutes right something bad will happen nothing bad something bad will happen

and she'll cry for like three minutes and then it's done and it's over and I'm like why did you get so worked up about that and she's like

so I don't get worked up about stuff like that she just like bleeding a radiator bleeding a radiator bleeding a radiator it's exactly that most of us being blokes

ours is like mine is the I choose when I bleed my radiator otherwise because do you know what I mean yeah

I don't know if that's the way it works but I you know I'm not going to cry over small fucking things because I can get past them but then when I do cry

when I do cry it's a fucking sob sesh like I'm just if I ever watch Warrior is one of the movies that will always make me Lion got us a little

bit you know Lion absolutely that got us a bit where I was like oh fuck I'm telling you right now click makes me

weak what a shit film it is a shit film you cried at the film where he pauses time to fart in David Hasselhoff's face I know

that film we had Khan we made Khan he cried at goal he laughed at the film's goal San Diego Munoz stands for Newcastle scores a free kick

and his dad watches it in the pub or whatever and then he finds out his dad watched it Khan was pub or whatever and then he finds out his dad watched it. Cano's in pieces. Actually, I nearly got upset

when we were all high here watching fucking Adam Sandler, the end of the Adam Sandler special. Oh, remember when he did the Chris Farley. Chris Farley tribute.

Oh yeah, that was good. Oh, that was the space part. Yeah, that was real good and the latest special on Netflix. So where's yours?

Do you know until the last time you cried oh you've done two years now then I think mine was a death like two years ago but the close ones was like that

but your death just on stage aye that day as well aye aye Dave did you cry after a tough gig

nah oh well that would have been fucking hilarious I was trying to lure you out just cry after a tough gig I felt like I felt like would have been fucking hilarious. I was trying to lure you out. You can't have a tough gig. I was like

sympathetic. Shortening your swords a lot. I'm going to be whetstone. Yeah, so fucking last,

I kind of call it like that 2009 was genuinely the last time I let go in Blubber. I've had a couple of wiping me eyes moments. The only time I've ever a couple of like wiping me eyes the only

the only time I've ever seen you cry was the Cain thing Cain thing but yeah they were like sorry to sorry to

put that down sorry to undermine that as you know the Cain thing you're not that boy that was told he was going to die and then the community got together

and they saved his life because this was like happy tears I didn't even consider it as a thing, but this was December 2017. Just from the top, should I just do a big thing? There was a boy called Keir.

This is what my show's about, Punch Drunk, which I keep plugging for you to buy off my website. I know 4,000 of you haven't bought it, so somebody catch up, do your homework. The boy from our area

had neuroblastoma, brain cancer. Which is a vicious brain cancer. Brain cancer, right? And he'd been through everything that you could get on the NHS, all the key forms. So basically, the doctors at this point had said, pretty much, essentially... Enjoy the rest of the time you've got left with your son. Yeah, your kid's

dead. And they'd done that research, found out there was pioneering treatment in America that had like an 80% survival rate, but it was half a million pounds. Not dollars, pounds, was available in america where health care isn't on the nhs so we fucking raised all this money so wait how much you had you had to raise half it was half a million this is coming from one of the poorest we're not one of the poorest but like it is it is there's no industry right i mean people get by but there's not there's no big industry there's no like uh big fucking input of money coming from anywhere really um and then they said they managed to

raise so we put on this boxing event raised forty thousand pound off the boxing event but then the knock-on effect from that like our company punch drunk raised a hundred thousand but the the awareness that was generated from the boxing event got people doing all their own fundraising and the kid got the money got all the money and the doctors in America were able when he got over there

he got into the ward and they gave him a banana yes so at least I got from that fuck that's another head of that shit so okay

I'm gonna I'm gonna tell this story in a in a broken way right so sorry I was

literally I was no no the second you said the story I was like no no that was perfect

right I'm gonna so um so so fucking I'm gonna pause this part of the

story here and you know where I'm gonna go for this this is long-winded right

but I'm gonna do it right pause the story there right we raised the money kian got the treatment everyone's rooting for him hoping the treatment works right um now that happened in february 2016 was the boxing event that we ran yep um fast forward to uh november 2017 um this this becomes important

later uh we are backstage in Bulgaria in Sofia and you come off stage, you've got a bunch of missed calls off our agent, you've got a bunch of text messages, right, you go and ring her back in the bathroom and then you come out, you're crying, right, this is the last time you cried as far as I'm aware apart from my wedding

you fucking cried your eyes out of the wedding? Yeah, when you went to the ATM I didn't cry your way through I was just sliding I was gaslighting so you cried there right I didn't really know what to do

I just fucking put my eyes around you give you a hug you're very good I will tell you this I'm telling you you're actually surprisingly good I always in my head I always underestimate how give you a hug I will tell you this you're actually surprisingly good in my head I always underestimate how good you'd be in an emotional situation

but you've never failed me you get the fucking message that you've got the Netflix deal right and you're fucking overwhelmed you've been holding on from releasing anything online on your own website because you're waiting for a deal with something you're watching me release fucking USBs and my own downloads and stuff and stuff right and you're watching me do

that and a bunch of other friends do that and you're like fuck i want to just give me fans something to watch online and you waited for what five years five years and then you got the netflix deal so it was like a fucking massive operation that happened it was worth persevering because you couldn't use any of that material if you'd released you played it perfect and you just got overwhelmed and you had to cry right and then i. You played it perfect and you just got overwhelmed and you had to cry, right? And then I remember I was hugging you and you went, Kai, don't tell anybody.

And I went, what about the Netflix deals? You went, tell everyone about the Netflix deals. And I was crying. So that was in November 2017. And the way banter works is whenever your friend shows a sign of weakness you're there for them you support them

and you help them through it and then you cake their legs and then the second they're past it you hold it over their heads for the rest of their lives that's what so any

any even minor emotional moment from that moment on the jokes very fairly were are you going to cry? are you going to greet again? oh no here he goes again the water works on the jokes very fairly were you're gonna cry you're gonna greet again oh here he goes

again the water works here comes the wah wah wah me words so um fast forward another month right December 2017

um I performed my show about the fundraising and about the boxing which is available to download on my website use the discount code Muggins what a disgusting way to plug a show

it's awful isn't it but when I when I wrote this show 2017 it was like a year and a half after the treatment oh yeah

a bit more than a year I got in touch with Cian's mum and I was just like hey can I write this show I think it's an amazing story I can get it out there can I use some of the footage

of Cian like talking to us through the camera and stuff and she was like fully encouraging it she was like fuck it

she was so grateful of everything and just wanted the story to be out there and I went ahead done the story done the fringe and then brought it home

to Newcastle well we did it in Morbeth performed the show and at the end I went to bring my brother on stage because he was the person I boxed against in the boxing.

And I went to bring him on stage and when I called him on stage, it was like a delay and they come on carrying like a fucking parcel like all wrapped up, gift wrapped and stuff. And I take the lid off and fucking Cian's in there and I like lift Cian up like fucking Simba,

like Rafiki. Right. But here's an important caveat as well. Up until this point, and I knew this and this is what made me sob my fucking eyes out you hadn't met Cian at any point up until that well I didn't want to put on the yeah right so he's he's like I mean he's in fucking deep trouble man this guy this kid was like in hospital and shit like that all the time and and even though I was a friend of a friend to the family like I didn't want

and they knew who I was and everything I didn't want to say hey can I visit because that visit would have been for me it wouldn't have been for Cian Cian and I would have just been

another conveyor belt of people coming to see him right so it would have done nothing for Cian it would have just been just for me to say that I've been with him

and see him and see if he's alright it would have been all for me so I didn't put on to the family in that way we just ran it from afar we ran all the fundraising endeavors from afar being with him and see him and see if he's all right. It would have been all for me. So I didn't put on to the family in that way. We just ran it from afar.

We ran all the fundraising endeavors from afar. And then when Cain's in the box, right, I'd seen his face a million times, photos, videos that he'd sent us and everything. And I'm meeting Cain for the first time and I fucking broke down. I was sobbing with happiness. This kid's healthy. He's got a full head of hair, right?

And the people that were in the audience in the room, like they'd done all of the fucking fundraising. Yes, a full head of hair, right? And the people that were in the audience in the room, like, they'd done all of the fucking fundraising. Yes, we put on this event, right? But they, like, took the ball and ran with it. Like, everybody in that audience had done it, right? So this is the most emotional moment of your life, right? I'm fucking hugging this kid. And also, by the way, I just had to say as well,

like, everyone in the audience was, some of us knew because we were helped and sort of set up and making sure it was fine half the audience didn't but even if you knew it didn't like everyone

in the room even me and the story that I'd been telling had been the story so even if anyone wasn't aware of

the story they told the story the whole show was about it so this was the first one this is when it was being filmed

and stuff at the bring it Cain thing so I break down into fucking tears on stage bring it Cain thing so I break down into fucking tears on stage

Cain starts rubbing my shoulder comforting me I come off stage and people

are getting photos with me and Cain so at this point as much as I wanted to

because there was the filming of your show yeah that one so all of this footage including the fucking reveal is available on your

down on the show yes spoiler alert you know how it ends right it's a remarkable journey but like for me

it's you know you were there for my DVD recording you were there for my fucking Netflix recording I was like you know when I walked off stage

you were there I was like I'll when I walked off stage you were there I was like I'll not be off stage when he comes off because there's too many people for him to there's other people like go see the family

go talk to Caden I was like I'm going to spend the next three weeks with him I don't need to be the first person he sees off stage so I let everyone

say their thank yous and congratulations and guys meet more people he's getting more emotional I'm just like I'm proud of my boy and I'm going to let my boy enjoy his time

in the in the in the sunlight and then eventually I come I come out the throng of people in a

bleary eyed reds just yeah and then daddy I'm just I'm just looking at my boy and I'm like

I'm not going to make fun of him I've had so many emotional moments with Kai when I was emotionally raw do you know how this goes Colin no so you come in right the many times that I've had so many emotional moments with Kai when I was emotionally raw do you know how this goes Colin no so you come in right

the amount of times I've had emotionally raw moments with Kai where he's seen the weakness in my eyes and me being vulnerable and he's not taking the chance

and he's just hugged me and he's just fucking let me have that emotional moment I'm like bare minimum

I owe him this back so I saw my boy looked at him looked sheepish I went to hug him he saw me crying he put his arms around me

and went whispered him he saw me crying he put his arms around me and went whispered in my ear one one cunt I just had to take a moment I was like one one cunt

one one no way even I'm crying because I'm in a room full of people who raised half a million pounds

to save that boy's life. You got something for you. Netflix gave me half a million to save my life. No, they did not give me half a million. I mean, they give him a large amount, but he spent most of it on making the Netflix film. Anyway, that show is available for download at

kaihumphreys. dot it's at www. don't get that wrong www.kaihumphreys.com forward slash shop and you can use

the discount code muggins and Colin do you have anything to plug nah just go on my twitter there's

gigs around right guys podcast listeners you can find Ryan Cullen on on YouTube by

facts surely does facts bring up facts facts is gone no but it's not even there they took them all down they're still there if you type facts

into YouTube it's the first thing that comes up that can't be right what do you have to type in to get in probably like 10 facts about pandas

or some shit yeah we're like 15 right so what do you type in of course you went straight to facts about pandas you big gay bear

what do you have to search for to get you on YouTube my name right colour facts right you just bitches

about biscuits you bitches about biscuits this kid madeullen Facts alright he just bitches about biscuits he bitches about biscuits this kid made a living for years bitching about slabs and bickies you would just like bite into a custard cream

and go pfft shite you've got fucking he's got fans he's got thousands of fans he gets fan art people do fan art

he gets fan art because he's fucking because he ate a bourbon and went not for me it's the way I did it though he's because he's fucking because he ate a bourbon and went not for me it's the way I did it though it's the way I tell him you have to have the eyes they'll know

you were a few biscuits so aye you can plug that plug that watch out and I'm on tour more dates have been added Manchester in January

not sold out London one of the London ones is almost sold out Newcastle still a few left Glasgow still a few left

and also in Maine I think it's yeah I don't know can we say this in May we can't say where in May and June

keep an eye on his website because we might be back we're busy figuring out a bunch of other things. Hypothetically, this is purely hypothetical, we're back to places like Glasgow and London. Where else are we hypothetically back to? Birmingham. Liverpool, we're

hypothetically back to. Birmingham, where else are we hypothetically back to? I think maybe it's Newcastle again. Hull, I think as well. Yeah, so we're going to... We're just fucking... There's a lot of momentum because of Netflix.

Cry baby over here. Yeah. We're going to keep this tour going for a bit, right? We're going to probably put another year on it. Yeah, it's going to expand a bit. Next year's tour might be the same. Next year's, we're going to be coming back to some places

with the same show. So if you do not want to see X again, I fully fucking understand and respect that. But there might not be a new show next year we're going to be coming back to some places with the same show so if you do not want to see X again I fully fucking understand respect that but there might not be a new show next year all the venues were chosen before you couldn't assume what the uptake was going to be like so there was a lot of people

I mean nobody saw that coming look I know I knowed it. We've got to come back because there was enough people that didn't get tickets that we could come back. When we come back to you and say if it's the X poster and it's the X show, it's that one. There probably won't be a new show until 2020, but the show does get better every fucking month. So if you want to come back and see it again, feel free to. But I'll write some new shit because I'm a hard worker

right dad jokes oh jeez oh shit oh jeez did Cullen do his question no no but we're

we can save it look he's going to be on the next one because we're yeah Cullen your dad has songs of praise

on series recording oh no you'll believe my first one's about series recording is it is it your dad has songs of praise on series recording oh no you'll believe my first one's about series recording is it is it your dad

series records at Babestation hey guys my first one's your dad read the book at Babestation Colin yeah

when your dad's serving people at Starbucks and they tell him the name he writes it on the cup and wingdings

okay your dad's serving people at Starbucks and they tell him their name, he writes it on the cup and wingdings. Kai, your dad's mobile phone is two cups connected by a string. Kai, your dad's seeing someone he fans in his primary school and now he has to go to your school play. if you ask your who's this to me if you ask your dad

how many women you slept with he has to take off his socks so that he can count and then he points at both socks and says two

Colin your dad stutters when he's proud and you've never heard him stutter well Danny your dad stutters when he's proud and you've never heard him stutter Well Danny, your dad says well his children's starving in Africa before eating out your mum Colin, your dad got fishnet stockings and waders mixed up

so now your mam's selling waders on eBay and your dad's got trench foot Kai, your dad h got trench foot Kai your dad hula hoops in landscape mode aye Kai your dad sets a stopwatch

before sex Danny your dad wears full scrubs when he watches Grey's Anatomy Kai your dad uses a bendy straw

to shout through so he can throw homophobic abuse round corners. Danny, your dad has been sued for sexual harassment in the workplace. He's self-employed. And he's also a snitch. Whistleblower. Blows his own whistle.

whistle blow blows his own whistle Colin your dad tries to rewind DVDs by putting it on his finger and spinning it Kyle your dad's mascara is running down his legs

Kyle your dad going to see his kids with supervision and by supervision I mean binoculars supervision oh Colin Kai, your dad going to see his kids with supervision? And by supervision, I mean binoculars. Super efficient. Oh, Colin.

Colin, your dad went sunbathing on the Gold Coast and someone accidentally picked him up and used him as a surfboard for three hours. Colin, your dad is trying to re-reclaim the N-word. trying to re-reclaim the N-word. Guy, your dad heard that masturbating before sex can make you last longer, but your ma left after a minute of it.

Danny, your dad can't whistle, so he's often seen walking around the park blowing raspberries looking for his dog Kai your dad's got them apple bottom jeans and the boots with the fur

aye the whole club's looking at him because it's the golf club like that's not you like the clubhouse with those on yeah okay

or Danny your dad woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning under the mattress alright class Colin your dad says

a moment on the lips a lifetime on the hips before drinking truth syrup so my last one here is to do what we're doing Your dad says a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips before drinking truth syrup. Soaps don't lie. My last one here is to do what we're doing. Our last your dad joke, because we've done so many of your dad jokes on our phones.

Our phones are now coming up with your dad jokes. If I type in your dad, my phone predictive writes a joke. Yep. So this is a... You press one of the three options on your phone. So you type in your dad. You can do this at home. And then just type in words that are suggested, and you can write your own dad jokes.

So this is Samsung Galaxy Note S8 Kai. Your dad has a lot of political influence and is eventually trying to take over the kingdom. This is my auto-suggest one. That'd be perfect for Tom Cullen your dad was your last chance for me to come

did you do one? no well podcast ruined bye will I redo it? Mulligan say bye Cullen

bye