Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.16 Didn't ask!

Episode Date: November 22, 2018

Where do you go when you sleep and when is euthanasia ok? Some of the high brow topics being covered by Muggins and Cream while struggling to hold it together. It's a high cast, I'm sure theres some funny to find in here amidst all the fumbling.

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream And that's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Awww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

Have a wee two to that first. Go have your wee coffee fit on air. So you can have a coffee fit. If you keep sucking it, you'll have a coffee fit. This does sound like we've just started with you sucking me off. Here it is. Here's my big boy. Oh, he can't handle his weed, can he?

Oh, little puppy. Oh, it's going to be a while, isn't it? Oh, fuck off. You're killing me. Oh, excellent. Hi, welcome. You're listening to the Sloss and Humphries on the Road podcast with me, creaming old coffee pickle over there.

Can't handle his... Smoking's the muck. Is this your first time smoking weed? It's a very special episode he's never done it before oh sure enough why are you in front of your friends

is that because you finally won a badge competition tonight I did we're in the northeast we're in fucking Barnard Castle

Barnard Castle fucking this fucking place thinks it's Game of Thrones the audacity you can't call yourself where's the first of all

where's the castle I've not seen one of you maybe there is one is there where maybe where you can't call the place a castle if you can't call yourself... First of all, where's the castle? I've not seen one of you. Maybe there is one. Is there a where? Maybe. You can't call a place a castle if you can't see the fucking castle. Edinburgh's probably the only place

that could call itself castle because you can pretty much always see the castle. The audacity of this fucking place. Where is it? I've been looking high and low. Nothing. We're in the well inn. Aye.

That means this used to be where the well was. Is that not the well across the road? I don't know. I don't aim the computer That way so they can see it I think this one's Going to be a mess Aye Some people like

The messy episodes though They do We don't have to apologize For them I'm told We just let them happen Aye So The only problem is

We did a gig in Barnacastle Which was a lovely ride It was It's actually one of the best Surprisingly Yeah but we're still here It's not a lovely ride. It was. It's actually one of the best surprisingly. Yeah, but we're still here. It's not a bad hotel though. It's alright, isn't it?

Yeah, like normally don't get me wrong there are some absolute places when we do the gig and I'm like even if you bought me a hotel I would not fucking stay

in this place. Bradford being one. Yeah. If I'm doing a gig in Bradford I'll fucking get a hotel anywhere else in the world. Yeah, it's going to be a hotel in Leeds or some other place.

All right. Just drive home. Let's not. Not Leeds. Let's not be unreasonable. Leeds is that, right? Is it? Leeds is just like any city, you know.

It's like a city. I mean, it's fun to gig in, but I just... I mean, I know we've got listeners there, but I refuse to believe that any of them disagree with me. Like, I don't think Leeds is a place that I'll ever have to be like, no, no, I'm just kidding. No, I really enjoy it there. I reckon it's one of those places

that, you know, every time you insult America, right, you've got to say, look, I love America, but otherwise Americans will just punch you in the fucking head and shoot you. Whereas there are places in the world

where if you just fucking slam them, if you go, I'm just, you know, no, no, no, no, yeah, no, I'm with you. Any Fifers, I'm from Fife. You can slam Fife all you want, I'm just, no, no, no, no, I'm with you. Any Fifers, I'm from Fife. You can slam Fife all you want, I'm like,

aye, it's a hole. Did you know I used to go for nights out in Leeds? No. From what? From Fife. Get the fucking megabats down to the fucking...

I used to sometimes go and we made some football back when I was a bit of a shagger. First of all, I've known you for about nine years I can confirm that Now that you've been married This is the most amount of shag

You've ever done in your life This is the first time ever You've known where your next meal's coming from I was built on a single Eh Had a dead eye No you had a wonky eye You had a bong eye

And it didn't help Because I was one shot one kill first of all you're not meant to kill them oh man no second of all actually your honour

just just stop killing them just stop mate please stop killing them you can fuck them you're allowed to fuck them if they say yes

but can you kill them if they say yes interesting which the answer's no because that's euthanasia you're allowed to fuck them if they say yes but can you kill them if they say yes interesting would you the answer's no because that's euthanasia well yeah no

but would you though are you all for euthanasia I mean you get us high and then ask us if I'm into euthanasia not into it it's not like a fetish I'm not I'm a fan

I've got posters up on the wall I've got a calendar I got into it when I was young but yeah yeah, you just grow out of it ironically. Are you for euthanasia? I'm not, I guess so, because if it's, like, aye, I'm going to say aye. Like, I don't think I'd ever use the service. But as long as, like, they've got to consent to the euthanasia. Yeah, aye.

What about if they're in a coma? Oh, what if they're like... Right, Natalie's in a horrific motorcycle accident tomorrow. Just a horrific one. Don't know what she was doing on a motorcycle. My guess, Deliveroo driver. I mean, I would... Deliveroo.

Aye, I reckon. First of all, just because I don't think she'd cheat. But she'd get a CBT on the sly and get a motorbike alright no no no but for Deliveroo I just reckon she'd just

you know just moonlighting alright just to see what an unsuccessful woman feels like that's a fucking horrible thing that's horrible I hope there's not people that are like

you're doing the Deliveroo shit I was literally just being a dick for the sake of being a dick there they're just having a lovely time listening to us and then like

all of a sudden right yeah and they get upset let's say they start crying right and they crash and for some reason that was Natalie

yeah yeah yeah she's listening to it she's upset um she's in a coma for like a chicken coma just delivering it

grow up and go home. Two questions. Nala goes into a coma, right? A chicken coma. I'm going to kill you. She goes into a coma after being in this crash, right? Right. After, right.

How soon after is it alright to like maybe shag someone else? Do you have to pull the plug first? Or can you shag someone else do you have to do you have to do you have to pull the plug first or can you shag while she's in that no of course you can't shag her while she's in the coma

you psycho no you can't shag her while she's in the coma could you go down on her though no she can't even if she's your wife

medically why medically is it done on her how much stimulation that is compared to just like pitting her cheek. No, you're not a doctor. Twice as much.

You're not a doctor. That's not... No, you can't... Even your wife, you can still rape your wife and if she's not consenting, that's rape. So no, you can't go down there.

What, which is a coma? No. But like, just to see if it like... As a... As a medical way of like... If an actual... Yes. If an actual medical doctor

came and said, I reckon you munch in our box is going to bring her out of this. Right? After you two high five, go health for a little bit. Right? But what I'm not accepting

is the PhD you've clearly just printed out online. And also, that's not your wife. Right. Okay. Right. So you can't go down on her.

Can she go down on you? Well, she's in a... Right. So. She's in a... Right, so... She's in a... You're saying I can kill her, but I can't shag her. No, I'm asking you. I'm asking you.

But yes, I... No, yes, I am saying that. You can kill her and not... No, that's the question I'm asking. That's another one of your bit, you know, when you've got the bit of, like, you can justify murder, but you can't justify rape. Hold on. And the bit of like, you can justify murder, but you can't justify rape.

And that's like, you can go back and kill... The question is, would you go back in time and kill Hitler? And you were like, well, would you go back in time and rape Hitler? You could use that as killing is worse. What is it? Rape is worse than killing. Rape is worse than killing. Because you can kill someone. Yeah, you can kill someone on life support.

Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, you can't rape someone on life support. Yeah, you can kill someone in a coma yeah oh that's a good point yeah you can't rape someone in a coma yeah you can't have sex with someone you can't have sex with someone

it's way worse than killing yeah yeah yeah way worse you can't have sex with someone yeah because you can't have sex

with someone in life support because that's immediately rape you can't you can't pull the plug like that's a fight in some countries

yeah there you go so right here's my question Nala goes into a coma. Right. Do you... Are you comfortable fucking while she's in that coma? Like, she's out for, like, a year.

Are you getting her somewhere else? No, I wouldn't. For two years? Nah, if she's still alive. Aye, but when are you pulling her off life support at this point? I should be. I should be. So, like, she'll be screaming at the podcast going,

Kai, just do it. Just live your life, man. I'm going to be right here. Aye, I'm a delivery driver now. But I'd laugh. I don't think I'd enjoy the sex. We're going to talk seriously about it. Aye.

Aye, I am. You'd just be doing your usual moves. But as someone that doesn't know them. But as someone that enjoys them. You'd just be like, the back of your mind would just be going, your wife's in a coma, you're taking it to him.

Right, okay, but do you ever pull the plug? Are you staying in this coma relationship forever then? Aye, I'd be at that stage where you're like... What about five years? Huh? Five years. Probably think I'd be pulling the plug.

That's what I'm saying. Like, what if she's having a terrible time? Aye. So at what point do you pull the plug? What if she's like in a dream loop that's just going round and round and round and she's like living in that? And how do you know?

It's like some episode of Black Mirror in there. For you, because this is different for everyone. There's no answer to this question. I'd be at the point now where I'm like, oh, this is beyond having a nap. If she comes back from this, it's not going to be pretty. Not pretty. I didn't mean to.

No, but also not. She's going to be gone, shit eye. Before you kiss her, you're going to be like, oh, wait, chuck on some makeup. It's been a couple of years. That was a foul, was it? It's really awful that you just laughed at the most romantic thing you've ever said.

Like to some people in that conversation, they would have said, vows are vows, seriously, with a straight face. And their partner would have been like, aww. And you, through laughter, said the word, vows are vows. That was not an ounce of sincerity. The joke was, wouldn't it be funny if I said this sincerely? That's where it all... I should have said it sincerely.

Vows of vows. But they are though. I can see your fingers crossed. Like, to say that I'm joking or because I wish it would happen. Or one in each hand. Yeah, there. So, wait, do you ever pull the plug? Because, as I was saying, there's no right answer.

Everyone's got a different answer to this. The worst thing is the type of, like, I'd want Natalie's advice. Aye. That's the type of thing I'd want our consultation on. Let's wipe the conversation out. My rule is, right, go and check for brain activity right gie's a year

right because to be fair I do like sleep it's pretty great right and if I'm just in a fucking sleep in there if it looks like I'm in pain cut me out

I can't handle pain for shit but give us a year to recover and if I don't like at that point just fucking flush your Tamagotchi down the drain innit where do you think you go when you're sleeping?

Bed. Ah, you get it. Right, that's what you do with this bit. I'm flicking my face and my body. The matter, the human, right? You put him down in a bed. Right. Just pretend the human's the vessel that you're riding around in.

Right. Your brain is you. Right. You're inside there. Right. You're controlling it. Right. You're like, right, I'm going to travel this vessel by the method of walking.

Am I a small amount of my head or am I just conscious? You're just you. Just who you are now. So you're just you. You're carrying this flesh vehicle around everywhere. Aye. I didn't think you'd notice her. You figure out you can make it walk one foot in front of the other.

Blah, blah. So you're doing that. You're controlling your flesh vehicle. And then you put your flesh vehicle down on a mattress. Aye. A room designated to it right

and then you fuck off for like 8 hours what's that about what do you mean what's that about what the fuck where do you

like you just plonk your body down somewhere and then that's like when your phone runs out of battery your phone's still

there battery's gone out that's what I reckon it is I just think like all the fucking memories

like if your phone runs out of battery and then you turn it back on like even though it's out of fucking battery all your stuff's still on the phone right

it's still all there the phone stuff's still in there everything that is is still in there so you think it's just gone down to like a fucking like as if

a computer's alright look I reckon look the fact that this is if your phone's off there's still stuff going on in there, isn't there? Such as? No, it gets lighter.

So you just think it's as robotic as that? Aye. And I reckon occasionally, like, because, you know, you can't, when you dream, right, you can't make up new faces, right? So every face you see in your dream you've seen before. And also I think, like, everything in somewhere, see in your dream you've seen before and also I think like

everything in somewhere everything in your dream has got something to do with like that day not spiritually or any of that shit scientifically what your brain's capable

of replaying so I think it's just like you know it's like a highlight wheel of the day but you didn't pick the highlights so it's just some fucking weird person

in your brain be like here are my favourite bits I think it's just like a screensaver your dreams are just like a little screensaver that comes on I reckon it's just to keep brain activity going because if you're imagine your brain will be like here are my favourite bits I think it's just like a screensaver your dreams are just like a little screensaver that comes on

aye I reckon it's just to keep brain activity going because if your imagine your brain was just turned fully off that's you dead your brain's got to be

doing something to stay so they put on like a little cinema show for it aye just about theatre just a little bit of a nativity it's always weird though

what weird plays they put on like I had one where I was like serving dinner for people in a swimming pool like waist high and I was like this is probably a bad way to in a swimming pool like waist high and I was like this is probably

a bad way to dine have you ever seen have you ever seen your phone in your dreams have I seen my phone nah see nobody has

apparently but I've never seen my dreams in my phone either so they might be the same person oh well I'm on Netflix so I can see mine in there what was I asking

oh I'm high as fuck by the way so I took it as an absolute segue you were asking about no no no what was your bit the thing in your brain

alright so you've never seen you've never seen you've genuinely never seen your phone in your dreams and apparently no one has that's interesting isn't it why is that?

Why can't your brain update that bit? Can nobody say that? Apparently not. I don't know if there's been studies on it, but there was like, somebody did a fucking big, big ass poll and like nobody'd say it. So no one's done that and had a text or anything?

Well, maybe not. That's what I'm asking. To the fucking podcast listeners, this is a genuine, let's try and find this out. Because if not, that's very interesting. I don't know what the fuck it means

but it must mean something like have you because I can't even remember I've definitely watched TV in my dreams but even now that I think about it

maybe I haven't the worst thing about dreams have you ever seen a mirror in your dreams apparently don't go through them you just dink your head

alright you look like a fool even in your dreams that's embarrassing flinch yourself awake was for them you just dink your head alright you look like a fool even in your dreams that's embarrassing flinch yourself awake yeah the worst thing with dreams is that

like when you're in them they're big and you're in it right but as soon as they're gone

they recede it's like when you take the MT as soon as it's gone like everything about it just strips away I think the only dreams you remember

are the ones that you like talk about the next day. Aye. So if you, like, haven't talked, people keep dream diaries for that reason.

Oh. Just so they can remember them. Is it just so they can remember? I feel like everyone that has a dream diary is looking for an interpretation. Here's something. I think it would be fine

to have a dream diary if people have got it, just to write them down. But if people are trying to find hidden meaning and code, make messages from above and all that. I'm trying to work at the fucking programming of it. This means I've got a secret to tell and I just need to let it go off my chest.

No, it doesn't, Karen. It means that you watch too much daytime television. Yeah, but I always find it strange that we live for 24 hours a day but we're just like dump our loose body somewhere 48 of it

aye I always think like what's that can we fix that I wouldn't want I love sleep aye because you need it

but imagine you never needed it imagine you were just like oh like I feel fine you know like now you wouldn't you wouldn't just go

now I mean maybe you would because it's a bit late on what would you do at 3 in the morning but you know just like you like I feel fine and now like now you wouldn't just go and now I mean maybe you would because it's been late on what would you do at three in the morning but you know just like you know what like

would my work day be longer you've still got stuff to watch you've still got stuff to read you've still got stuff to play computer games

social interactions you know how people say there's not enough hours in the day it's I reckon it's what am I going to do with the rest of the day hours

but I mean I'll get but if you could not have to ditch you'd have an extra there'd be so many benefits to not sleeping I wouldn't

I'd just feel worse if you give me an extra eight hours I guarantee you I'd also do fuck all with those and then I'd be like oh fucking hell

you know like five o'clock in the day like six seven o'clock right football's on right and you're having a good time your mates are on you're awake

right would you go to bed then? Just out of the blue like that, would you go? Right, lads, I'm off. You don't feel tired. Go over to bed, lie in your bed

and go to sleep, right? Who's there? Elliot? Just a couple of pals. Is Elliot there? No, because I knew he would go to bed. I'm trying to fight my corner.

So... I guess you'd be able to watch... So if you felt like that at one in the morning, two in the morning, six in the morning, so if you felt like that at one in the morning two in the morning six in the morning if you just felt like you do

at that point in the peak of the day all the time you'd gain so much more time get so much more shit done so okay fine let's live in this hypothetical world

right it's my bedroom it's no longer a bedroom it's just a shag what the fuck it's just a shag where am I going to shag well first I'll sit in the bed

where am I going to shag oh that would be a'll send you to bed, where am I going to shag? Oh, that would be a proper cock block for people, wouldn't it? Like, for single people, if there was no such thing as sleep. If I just, boom, eradicate sleep with my hypothetical. Oh, where am I shagging? And then, like, a guy invites a girl back after a night out, and then they just sit there for days and days and days. Because if you don't need bed, you don't need bed do you need a house nah

because that's yeah so you're saying your house is basically just somewhere to like dump your body where it's safe to

while your brain fucks off would you not have that house if you didn't have to do that I'm saying no no no I'm saying I absolutely would because even if I didn't fucking need sleep I would still spend most of my time on my house have to do that I'm saying no no no I'm saying I absolutely would

because even if I didn't fucking need sleep I would still spend most of my time in my house I love my house I'd have a fucking great life I'd watch it on Netflix

but I do think if you were to take fucking sleep out of the equation I reckon that you'd have a fair chunk of people that were just like I'm a hundred grand richer because I don't need

this fucking house anymore like but I don't need sleep it's also like you'd you'd have no way of like getting away from stuff

you couldn't go oh look at the time I'm off to bed like they just think oh fuck I need to actually physically get out

of this situation what excuse would we use to stop the podcast early sometimes they'd want more I'll tell you that for a fucking start you wouldn't sleep in for shit you know if you're like oh I've got a six o'clock flight you're from the fucking start you wouldn't sleep in

for shit you know if you're like oh I've got a six o'clock flight you're like it's midnight you're looking I've got a six o'clock flight I've got to be up in four hours

you'd be like sweet I've got four hours before I have to go for my flight what would be the point of coke though coke aye

so you're like saying that because it's basically got to be a life on coke isn't it aye no I wouldn't because even that coke awakeness isn't artificial it's not got to be a life on coke isn't it aye no because even that coke awakeness isn't artificial

it's not like being I just so you're saying if you were given the option right I think if I get a bit too monotonous

you know I think that's the problem but if I gave you let's say there's a let's say in the next couple of years there's like some sort of procedure

where they're just like you know what we can fucking literally at one point we can put an extra battery in your brain so well this one's fucking

I know that's not how it works dad shut up right but metaphorically or whatever but actually scientifically if the research says swaps it over right if you're available for that

it's cheap as fuck right it's maybe two grand but you never you'll never need to sleep again do you take it I wouldn't oh shit

you could be so productive I wouldn't be like the do you think you would go insane the myth you'd go I wouldn't be like the myth do you think you would go insane the myth you'd go insane wouldn't you the way they'd advertise it to you right

is they'd go imagine how much more you could get I reckon it'd be a massive cause of depression because you give me an extra 8 hours a day capitalist fucking they'd buy that time off you

as soon as you had that fucking 8 hours the companies would want it they would they'd be like well you'd have to do an extra shift don't give up sleep

because they're going to want you yeah it's not like it's not like an extra 8 hour it's not like 8'd have to do extra shifts don't give up sleep because they're going to want you yeah it's not like an extra 8 hour it's not like 8 hour shifts or 12 hour shifts fuck that

you're working so there's two wills you're off on they're just saying doctors you're working around the clock fuck your medical

mental fucking health if you don't need fucking sleep there's no reason for you to go fucking home and a lot of people and then there'd be this horrible fucking competition of you know mental fucking health. If you don't need fucking sleep, there's no reason for you to go fucking home. And a lot of people,

and then there'd be this horrible fucking competition of, you know, I reckon it'd just get worse. Thank fuck for sleep, if anything. That's the name of the episode. Yeah, I think it's actually, I'd love that time back,

but I think structurally and society-wise, I think it's necessary. That's why, if the science comes in, we can't allow it to happen because there will be fucking psychos who do do it, right, and they immediately

become fucking alpha. It's like they'll run the game and the whole... Because that's the two worlds you're offering. You're offering a world where like, hey,

would you do this and you do it and sometimes you're awake when people are asleep but sometimes it's like, they'll get up so everyone else is living their normal pattern,

right? I think I'd rather live in that world than live in a world where everyone was always up like sometimes i love them because because we essentially work twilight shifts we're on nights all right um we go to bed late and there's that them few hours between the hours of like fucking one in the morning and three four o'clock i quite like that because my phone stops aye and I'm like oh shit everyone's in bed

aye there's just a handful left up aye and I sort of was like living in that moment if at that moment everyone was still up

and it just felt like the day you're like fucking hell this day's gone on forever tell you what you would do one advantage to it though it's about you getting to like America

you properly get into other countries sports the only reason I don't watch the only reason the only reason you and I don't watch it, the only reason we don't, Oh, shit, yeah, yeah, to be honest. The only reason you and I don't really watch basketball

or baseball or American football is because it's always on at one or three in the fucking morning. Yeah, because we do it once every couple of weeks or every three weeks,

maybe, for UFC. Yeah. But you couldn't do that, it's unsustainable to do that every weekend. Yeah, yeah, it's unsustainable, that's the fucking thing.

But you can definitely, so that's an advantage, I guess, to no sleep. And also, you you know if you really fucking apply to yourself and you are one of the fucking I reckon most people

like me would just go nah fuck that I love sleep too much I wonder what would happen diet wise because you've got to be you're going to be

adding a couple of extra meals into the day if you've got that extra eight hours right and you're not necessarily going to be moving them because maybe it's into the day if you've got that extra eight hours right and you're not necessarily going to be moving them because maybe you'd still like the fucking tradition

of maybe like you fucking sitting around watching telly and you're not spending your whole time awake let's say fucking let's say shifts say the same right

and it's fucking eight hours a day at work you still get that and you're like I get a fucking extra eight hours at home now some people absolutely use that to go to the

fucking gym and pursue their fucking hobbies yeah I mean you get a bunch of people like me who are just like fucking eight or was on the couch. You have some traditionalists who like fast for eight hours

like in some kind of... Oh, aye. Oh, it's time to fast. Like, because it keeps... That actually, you know, if you had your fast between like hours of midnight and eight, right,

that would put some kind of pattern and routine into it. Oh, I guess. Because then, yeah, you still have to fucking keep routine going I wouldn't do it

it'd be madness you wouldn't do it you wouldn't take it no I mean if everyone else was no I'd be tempted to do it

I'd definitely take it if I got off at live ever and I don't mean like in a constantly ageing if they could like it frees you now well not frees me I'm talking about like

like keep you right so basically the not freeze me i'm talking about like like keep you right so basically the the point the the reason you age is because like the cells duplicate and then you're left with a cell that's like a minus 1.1 percent of the cell it's like a little little bit corrupt compared to the last one and eventually you end up all wrinkly and with that right and apparently like some of the old styles stay there as like little zombie cells so that's what aging is but if you could switch that off so that that cell produced 100 no flaws that cell just reproduced you could then just go on living forever right so if they i think it's called the gilgamesh project that's what they're working on um if the gilgamesh project came through and they were like fucking Woody Lightyear patient zero

for turning the aging process off you're just a-mortal not a-mortal a-mortal bus could kill you oh

a-moral you're not gonna die of aging I'd do that right I'd hate to be a-moral I'd hate to never die but that means

when you do die it's gonna be fucking horrific no I kill myself if I was a means when you do die it's going to be fucking horrific no I kill myself if I was a mortal like if it was like my fucking choice right

if I was I didn't fucking age like first of all I'm buying a gun right and I'm just like I'm just going to carry this around with me all the time

and it's just one bit and it's just for me and I just reckon there'll be one point at some point in the future whether it be 50 years down the line or 100 years down the line I'll just see something on TV or I'll just see society go in a certain direction and I'm like nah fuck this chapter And I just reckon there'll be one point at some point in the future, whether it be 50 years down the line or 100 years down the line,

I'll just see something on TV or I'll just see society go in a certain direction. I'm like, nah, fuck this chapter. Not hanging around for this. This chapter is not for me. Dude, I would be like too curious. I would hold that gun to my head, guys, not for me. And I'm like, I kind of just want to see what happens. I just want to see what happens next. See if for some reason, right, when World War III kicks off, right,

and it's not all nukes and shit it's fucking old school World War 2 war and they're like conscription I'm like fucking

I'm tucking my dick between my legs oh no women are in the army now too I'm fucking did you just did you just bring your opinion

from like the 50s I'm going to tuck I'm going to tuck yeah I it's just like I'm going to tuck my willy between my legs and be like

I can't be in the army oh okay because I guess because it wouldn't necessarily be do you reckon if it was conscription now I don't know how you took it from being able to live forever

to army conscription if World War 3 3 broke out kicked off and instead of using nukes it was an actual physical fucking war and eventually got to conscription

I think I'd be safe now I'd be dad's army I'd fucking shoot myself in the head well before you got I'm not going to war fuck that I'd pop my head in before I killed myself

you know just have a look see what it's like I reckon I reckon more shite you know when I watched another hard hitting truth oh mate

I think like they had no idea what they were letting themselves in for they had absolutely fucking no idea they get all these stories about like French girls

and just fucking travel and see the world and they didn't they didn't think it was going to be like that Patriotism was a different thing back then as well yeah

I don't think people are rooting for their own country as much if you were like do you want to fight for Britain I'd be like no

I'm alright I'm alright I'm like where are you going do you want to go for Britain? I'd be like, nah. Say I'm alright. I am alright. I'm like, do you want to go fight for the Queen? I absolutely do. Where are you going to be fighting? In the desert.

Can you not bring them here? And I've got my mates. Tell you what, right, let them win for a bit, right, and once they get here, I absolutely, I'll... Right, that's the deal we've got. If they come here, I'll tell you what, right, let them win for a bit, right? And once they get here, I absolutely... Right, this is a deal we've got. If they come here, I'll knock them. I'll try.

I'll protect the land, but I'm not... Aye, I don't want theirs. I'm not going into theirs. It seems like, actually, it seems like that's us attacking them. What kind of war is this? Are we the bad guys? Wait, you're conscripted for the bad guys? So you want me to fight for you over there?

No, I'm alright, actually. Not for me. No, sirree. You would, though. You'd fight enough to come here, wouldn't you? You're not like you're doing sign-up as conscription. Why? But, you know, if the soldiers...

I don't have a gun, though. I'm from Scotland where do I get a gun from are they handing out guns are they handing out guns if we're like going to war with the Norwegians

over Shetlands right which are ours by the way in Norway back the fuck off hands off I know they can hear your radio on there

so stop they can't hear the Norwegian radio stop pumping them full of your propaganda the Shetlands are ours oh we are big blonde women at the hottest

yes we know they are. Stop rubbing it in. What's propaganda? Wait. I'm glad. So Norway are like so they're

fucking they've been conscription they're sending people over out to the fjords to fight right and you're like nah not for me

no siree I'd rather go to jail than fight but then all of a sudden like boats and people start coming out on the beaches you know our troops

started going to meet them you wouldn't just be there like still going not for me no sir I'd be fine I'd be like alright

I'd be I'd be cheering you I'd be cheering you boys on let's have a wee stall get some fucking orange slices for you just whatever you're thinking

I'm like oh look rough in there you'd be in the medics tent going around giving people bananas he's just holding it to them Going get back in the fight A little bit in the head

Do you have a conversation starter? I do Go on then That's why I think Somebody asks you a question Because they want To be asked a question back No you do yours

you know hold on you know like the classic one is at the fringe someone asks you how your show's going just so that

you'll ask them how the show's going they'll ask how your show's going and you'll not have like even opened your mouth and they'll be going ah good numbers today there's a review

good numbers big laughies so they're asking the question to you ask it back I sometimes when that happens just differentiate it back

and see if they answer anyway. Like, I don't know, I did it a couple of times where you go... So wait, they go, how's your show going?

No, like if someone goes, oh, you all right, mate? Like, how are you, mate?

How are you? I go, oh yeah, mate, I'm fine. But then they'll say, how are you? And then they'll go,

oh, not bad, aye, because they're so used to, they're so used to being asked back that they've got it ready. They've just got the programme still in. Yeah, aye, just didn't ask them back.

And then watch them answer the question you didn't ask them and just shake your head and squint. Hey, man, how are you? So, my mum's dead. Oh, no. Conversation starter. How many fingers can you stick in your mouth? Wait, of my fingers or fingers?

How many fingers? Just any? How many fingers? I reckon... All ten. But with other people's fingers, I reckon I could get... I reckon 15 in there. Really few more in. So your question... What are you looking at me for?

I just... This was me planning all along. I just this is me playing all night I just wanted to put my fingers in your mouth I'm the only one here let's I just I just expect you

to do a call by there be like how many fingers can you get in your mouth as if you've got something to show off with I've been practising oh

oh L10 oh I need to get my way in actually that's right would be a good conversation I've been practising oh oh Alteni oh I need to get my way in actually that's why it would be a good conversation because one minute you've just

met someone next minute the fingers are in your mouth aye winner winner for everybody aye winner winner

finger dinner well I mean what are you trying to achieve with this interaction if like you've got their fingers in your mouth then well

could be closer it's going to be above my expectations. I'm not sure what base this is, but it's definitely one of them. Base nine and three quarters. It's a Harry Barrett sex move. You've put all ten of your pinkies in your lover's mouth platform nine

that's a new sexual position for you you've got to leave the pinky out a bit so it is actually platform nine three quarters a quarter out

some would say which is how many knuckles do I have three I was disappointed thought I had more how many knuckles

do you have what do you mean on your finger well the bones and the thing how many penny bits do you have how many penny bits are there

so you got the joiny bit where it joins your hand you got a middle

one and the second half has a middle one so I

feel like it's got one missing there should be one there as well what are

we doing we're dead high we are dead high I think it might have jinxed it It was a bit of a conversation ender wasn't it

Everyone's just got fingers in their mouth Would you rather Change the smell of your farts Or the sounds of your farts Ooh you've got options right Think outside the box Sound like anything Sound like anything

You know like You know like when somebody's got a really cool horn on their car I'd like it to be a I didn't ask You asked me The smell That's the better way to do it Could you pick the smell

like so if you're saying you can change the sound or change the smell do I have to pick a sound that it sounds like oh every time I fart

can I change the sound of it or is it like a conscious is it yeah right so what you're asking is am I changing your butthole to lips yeah

you get like is it just you've given us like the, and that's how I thought now. Or can I just like focus my mind and just make it down? Linda! I will say it's like a new surge. It's a surge. This isn't a magic trick.

This is a sort of surgery. I can get it to make a bunch of. Oh, no. You know what creative freedom because if I've got creative freedom I'd definitely be able

to change the smell right to what I just every time I run people are like I'd fart like little smells from the past little nostalgic stuff

like the nana's cooking how do you know you're not a telepath how do you know what their childhood smells are I just ask them the right questions just while eating beans How do you know they're... You're not a child of pie. How do you know what their childhood smells are? I just ask them the right questions.

Just while eating beans? You think you're being silly? I'll be there like, oh, my nana used to always cook me beans. What was your favourite dish from when you were a child? And they'll be like, oh, shepherd's pie. What were the ingredients

just because they were rough and we'd be like queue up the mince queue up the beef mince is the beef queue the potatoes nice smell of the oven

wait so is your asshole like the fucking chewing gum from Willy Wonka's chocolate fudge I don't know it smells

and then I just like it's like a three course it's like a three course it's like a three course meal for your nose it's not just shepherd's pie it's shepherd's pie

and the fucking potatoes and all the vegetables too oh it would be like a proper smell alright okay like not just I want it to be vague

be really specific to that childhood what's it you don vague. Be really specific to that childhood. What's it? You don't want to fart what's it? I'd love to fart what's it, but that wasn't the question. I don't know. I get...

Do you feel like if it came out with no smell, it'd be pointless? Didn't ask. Yeah, what would you change the smell to Nothing Oh no I was saying if you changed the smell It would feel like a wasted opportunity I would change the sound To the sound of whatever the most common text is

The text ringtone is Just fucking fart near people And they just have... Remember that one? Aye. That old text alert. That old chest alert. Did you ever do the thing on the Nokia 33,

30 or the 3310, where you could make your own ringed donuts by typing in the numbers? You used to go online and you used to type in... Get the codes. Right, so to people who to anyone younger than me you might not know

what this is so the Nokia 3310 fucking hell this is an assaulter trip you could put make your own ringtones on it by typing in

numbers 3B and 4A and stuff like that so it would be like so each key was a different tone but adding in the hash or the

whatever the fucking other one would change it and then all of a sudden your phone goes from just being the usual fucking

but you used to like and you were the coolest motherfucker on the playground oh you man you could have the

fucking friends theme tune you could have the I had the Harry Potter but you have to type this fucking thing in yourself and the only way you could have the fucking friends theme tune you could have I had the Harry Potter do do do do do but you had to type

this fucking thing in yourself and the only way you could do it is if you had like a fucking degree in music or if your mum

let you on her computer and you just googled in Nokia 3310 ringtones take hours you're going to school the next day fucking trade away your friends

no one can send us that you're like no you have to do it yourself you're going to need the codes motherfucker you're going to need the coordinates you used to be able to make you don nah, you've got to do it yourself. You've got to need the codes, motherfuckers. You need the coordinates.

You used to be able to make, you don't mind, you fucking used to pay like £2.50 for fucking 8-bit background screen savers for your Nokia 3310. You never did that?

Yeah, Express Uncovers. Oh, you used to fucking put like, those were like three fucking quid back in the day. You used to get aerials that flashed as well.

This is on the 5110. The aerial would flash and it would like flash just before your phone rang so it could look like a main reader you'd see the aerial flashing and then it rings i do i do i got real fucking nostalgia for the nokias 3310s fucking snake used to be something else you should have to younger people might not know that the texting used to be a lot like fucking Twitter. You had 140 characters and you had to. TextSpeak was a necessity back then.

That's why we invented TextSpeak. It wasn't because we were lazy. It's because we were fucking efficient. So if you use TextSpeak now you're just a fucking dumbass. There's no reason to put M8 on when you just didn't. It's utterly outdated. We didn't do it because we were

stupid and we couldn't spell we did it because you had 140 characters to get in this long fucking message

and you had to tone it down now that you've got the full thing you spell everything properly otherwise get in the bin

and predictive text was like that T9 I've got a bit of material on it somewhere online you can find it I talk about the old predictive text that probably hasn't

aged well enough anybody watches that at 21 probably don't know what the fuck that I'm talking about a couple of tips for people that use iPhones if you hold down the space bar when you're texting like you can move the cursor around

do you know that I too am on Twitter here's another one When you're texting, like, you can move the cursor around. I know. Do you know that? I do. I'm on Twitter. Here's another one. Oh, here we go. What's this? Fucking tech corner.

This works on every phone. This is always worked since the Nokia phones. If you type in star hash 06 hash, it comes up with this big number. It still does it now in 2018 and it used to date at the dawn of phones and I don't know what the fuck that is

wait if I do it on my phone if anybody can answer me right what am I doing hold on every phone I've ever ever had if you type in

star hash star hash 06 06 hash hash what the fucking shit

what the fuck is that what the fuck is that knee idea is that what the fuck is that no idea I found it as an accident what the fuck is that I found it as an accident when I was a kid right I was fucking

just fucking on when I was well kid teenager so just everyone right just again

everyone listening to this podcast please get your phone and type out the following star hash 06 hash and it's always you know it just comes up i've got two fucking barcodes you've got two barcodes on yours i've just i've just got like

a fucking whatever like 24 digit number or something that's fucking fascinating you didn't know that no what i did know is i learned i learned all the emergency numbers thanks to the nokia 3310 because it was the only thing you could pocket dial because if you locked your phone you still mash the buttons right but if you type in 9 it was the only thing you could pocket dial because if you locked your phone you could still mash the buttons right but if you typed in 999 that would go through you could type in 999

in front of the phone that's what I'm like 911 and 112 112 works what is 112 112 is fucking is that like

hill walkers getting lost fucking climbing the shite I don't know I always feel like there's like a non-emergency 999 number and is that 112 no I don't know but I always feel like I's like a non-emergency 999 number. And is that 112?

No. Oh, it is. I don't know. But I always feel like I would never be decisive enough to decide which one it was. I'd probably end up calling, like, if there's like, oh, it's not that much of an emergency, but like, I'm hiding under my bed while fucking this intruder's in my house. I'm a proper...

I don't want to bother you. I'm a proper... Don't want to get in the way of someone that's actually dying. I'm the opposite. I'm a proper middle-class white boy. I remember we had a house party at my mum and dad's house when they were out no I didn't mum

he's lying and and one of my friends knocked into the oven and just like knocked the dial off like the dial fell off but

knocked the dial off while the gas was still going so the gas was going and nobody was fucking smoking because we were inside they were all smoking but I'm just like like I know gas leaks are bad

like they're real not good so I phoned up the fire brigade and I was like hi I'm really sorry like I know this isn't like an emergency but it's about to be

like just to give you a potential heads up can you come around and fix this they're like well there's not a fire so we can't do that

I'm like aye but you understand the only other option is, there's about to be a fire. And I think we'd both rather, if there was not a fire. Like, have you got a quota or some shit?

Can you fucking prevent this? And then, and then apparently, so you knocked off the, like the, the key, the tap. Aye.

What's the word for it? Like the knob. Knob, aye. The knob come off, and it was just left with a metal bit. Aye. Cause like, if that happened when I was at a hoose party

as a kid, it would have been fine because Matty could have come and pinched it. He just turned it off. So, where were we? I think we're done. Should we just plug and then we're not on top of

the sword oh your farts smells and smells and sounds oh yeah I'd be able to change the smell of them strawberries I'd go for

nah definitely just childhood memories or or or or weed I'd go for

I'd go for weed just so I could just so I could play with the sniffer dogs in airports just fart in airports all the time just oh he's a good dog he's a good dog and then like you know also the fucking sniffer dogs

sit down when they fucking smell stuff I just fart the smell of cats just like whatever that spray is that's that they put on stuff just smirk me territory it's why I run smirk me territory

from cats that's all I do would you rather shit out your dick hole or piss out your shit hole piss out my shit hole I've done that a few times oh yeah

I've done that a few times and it's never nice but fuck me the grass isn't green on the other side of that one like oh

wait what have we got to plug em I thank you everybody who bought my show from my website last week

this week after listening to Monday's plug if you haven't got it already you still can did you get a surge in sales

yeah there was a few sales very nice of them thank you hope you enjoyed it and if you are yet to enjoy it www.kyhumphries.com

forward slash shop the show's called Punch Drunk use the discount code Muggins did not ask I am I'm adding dates

Daniel where are you going I am too just so you weren't nervous that it was coming I'm doing I'm adding dates every fucking day so just go on my website

a bunch of them are sold out New York's not sold out yet but it's sold a hell of a lot I was talking to our agent the other day I've sold a whole bunch of dicks in New York so do get on that

thank fuck for Netflix I've got one more I've got one more little iPhone thing sure I don't know if people can do it on other stuff as well you can go into the keyboards and set like the fast key

so you can type in OMW and I think that's already a preset one actually if you send OMW it'll say it on my way does it do that on yours? you're just teaching people how to change ducking to fucking yeah have I done that

already I've done it I've known you I've told you about it but I'm just letting everyone at home know actually before you told me that

you can go into the fast keys and you can type in fuck is the word that you want to come up and duck

is the fast key so that you type it so you can do that here's the one that you want to come up, and duck is the fast key, so that you type it. So you can do that. Here's the one that you use it for immediately, immediately. If you type in like QQ, you're never going to use QQ,

but then put in your email address, and next time you fill in a form, QQ comes up, email address, press space, Bob is your uncle. You don't need to get your eight hour sleep back, you've just gained back so much time

right now three seconds also something happened to me today uh oh because I shouldn't get into dad jokes but I need to

I've seen it I put it in the whatsapp group that you're in I sent a message right so where were we Livingston

aye so we're in Livingston right and I'm just going to get the message up now so I can read it there. And Gareth Mutch, fucking lovely, lovely comedian. Edinburgh lad? He's from Livingston.

He's from Livingston. Good lad, great comedian. And he come to your show and we were chatting afterwards and we gave him a lift home and we decided that we're going to get him into Dungeons and Dragons. Aye. Right? So that's where left off mm-hmm and then I get a PayPal notification that G much has bought my show I've been giving out the little things I want to him dish out

my discount codes and he grabbed one and he bought the show which you know I gotta feel if he'd got in touch and asked for it he's another comedian I probably just sent him the link but I'm like what a fucking lovely boy buying my he grabbed one and he bought the show which, you know, if he'd gotten in touch and asked for it, he's another comedian and I'd probably just send him the link but I'm like, what a fucking lovely boy buying my show. So I just messaged him,

subject, alright legend. This is the G much. I'll call it, okay, whatever. I'll email him. I'll go fuck.

Oh dear. Don't email him. Subject. Please don't email him the subject please don't email him the subject is Al Reet Legend right hi mate just noticed you bought my show

you wee sweetheart good seeing you that day brother get yourself wise of the ways of day in day Dungeons and Dragons and come join our gay little soirees did the auto emails comes through with my show download sometimes it goes to spam which is usually just for

those fuckers keeping Hotmail alive either way here's the link and then the link to my show to which Graham Much replied not Gareth Much Graham Much replied, not Gareth Much Graham Much

two days later saying hi yeah I did get the email thanks you were great in Aberdeen, not Livingston Aberdeen, Graham from Aberdeen we will definitely be seeing you in Sloss again if we get the chance, best regards

Graham Much no mention about Gay Swories no mention about gay stories no mention about dungeon of dragons two day delay the guy's called graham he's from aberdeen and he's still got an aol email so this bloke just a scottish bloke a proper just bloke you know in all of a sudden i've invited him to a D&D gay swarry. D&D, you won't even know what it meant. He's probably going to say, that's a massive scene.

He probably thinks it's some form of BTS. Yeah. And I just didn't. I laughed so fucking hard at my life was when Graham replied to me. That shit. I'm like, what have I done? Mike. Right. and Graham replied with that shit. I'm like, what have I done? Mug.

Right. Your dad, your dad uses his birthday wishes to wish your birthday wishes don't come true. That makes so much sense. I just thought

they didn't work. No, no, mine's working every year Your dad has a favourite side When he's getting his photo taken And if anyone takes the photo From the other side He'll be like

I'll delete that Your dad got arrested For crimes against fashion And is now under house arrest With an ankle bracelet Your dad joined the police force And quit immediately when he found out He'd never get promoted to police horse

Your dad thinks BDSM is cultural appropriation It's really Dungeons and Dragons Your dad has set a reminder on his phone Said on Christmas day He knows to text everyone saying, may the 4th be with you. And he thinks it's got to be pure bants. It is.

He's not wrong. One of the stars in your dad's star sign died years ago, back when he did on the inside. Your dad walked into A&E with his fingers stuck up his nostrils. Because I snuck into his room and replaced the lube with super glue.

Was not expecting that. Your dad got kicked out of the mafia because he was told to make someone sleep with the fishes and they gave him a Viagra and took them swimming with dolphins. Your dad makes it feel like that with his fingers over his mouth when he's kissing.

Your dad's eyes are the same colour as his nibbles. Your dad's belly button piercing got infected, so I wrote him a letter saying he doesn't have to do PE. Your dad has had a kick me sign on his back since he was born. Doctor took him out, spanked him on the arse, me sign on his back since he was born

doctor took him out, spanked him on the arse, slapped that on his back it's the same one cannot reach it when your dad tucks you in bed wait I'm going to start again when your dad used to tuck you into bed

when you were a kid you used to ask him to check the command for monsters and he'd do it to put your mind at rest but he was absolutely

shitting himself your dad howls at the sun all day every day that's what he's doing with that extra eight hours your dad lets the dog

sleep in his bed and he curls up with a basket in the kitchen your dad broke his spirit and I signed the cast your dad drove past an Indian man who was sat cross-legged

playing a wooden flute and he just couldn't resist the urge to just pop his head out the sunroof and sway from side to side. He didn't know what to come over him. He said, my dad's a snake. Snake charmer.

I'm not saying he's a snake, he just reacts in very much the same way. A snake-like manner to a snake. That at the same time I'm not saying he's a snake he just reacts in very much the same way a snake like manner to a snake that's maybe the only trait but it's a notable one it's like you've got

Martin such a fucking snake isn't he often sinister he just likes to sway to the flute any man any man any man with a flute

he just that's his ringtone. The fucking car just veers off the road, bumps a curb, and he fucking smashes into a tree. He dies just belly up on the sunroof. Anyway, anyway. Your man's grabbing the wheel,

just going... through the fucking field. Anyway, that's why he's like a snake. Oh, and he shits his skin. I've seen him hanging around Tupac's neck. And he... He swallowed a baby deer hole. Just against his jaw. Every night. Good guy, though. I swallowed a bit of my deer hole every night good guy though

you're just a wee wife aye he wouldn't do anything to your wife and he would never talk about it behind your back but what he does do is every night

he sneaks into my room and he just he just doesn't molest me he just lies beside me and I think he's just measuring me up sizing me up to see if he thinks

he can swallow me whole. Top bloke, though. Good guy, yeah. I trust him. Trust me, you're kids. Yeah. Not his own. His eggs.

Bye.