Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.17 Me Love You Longley Time

Episode Date: November 29, 2018

After being asked for their opinion on Fantastic Beasts this podcast just becomes a movie, book, comic and podcast review of muggins and cream's favourite entertainment over the past few weeks resulting in a verbal rimming of Dave Longley. Who is a fantastic beast, so it went full circle, if you know what I mean.

Sloss and Humphrey's on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Awww, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

What's that one? Why do you have a cold sore? Fatigue, stress. I don't think I see you get cold sores. I'm running down. I'm running down on all that fucking tramp pussy. I said it because I went to Natalie's for one night. I didn't say Natalie.

I was actually telling everyone that you cheat on Natalie. But very bold of you to assume that I went that when I say kind of a fucking trapped place you immediately go

my wife you're just opening the podcast with slander oh so guys this is the fucking start of the fucking pickle and pincer one

as well just you clicking something didn't happen oh my god this is this is dangerous. It's a fucking dangerous accusation. Sucking your dick?

But still, let's get to the point of the fact that whenever I just say something really awful like, so there was this slagathorn, my wife! I'd have shit to her mouth. That feels like some of that came from you. I wish I'd have shit to it but I'm not that feels like some of that came from you we should get in some

I mean we did say after a day but did you not get any sex well didn't we just turn up at like one o'clock in the morning and she left for Amsterdam at three

oh yeah should have get in one of them windows that's what I put her through it how much is that what I put her through it how much is that dog I gave her a lift to the well

the bus stop oh my god you're honestly the worst husband that there's ever been a real husband would have taken her would have driven her

to Amsterdam to the airport so we got in at one And then she had to Be out like For Be at the bus stop For half three

To go out and lift Half three Or just At one Just be like Maybe I'm off to bed I'll drop you off there And then

Buddle down into the car Didn't even grab my luggage Right You got a chance to get changed Put a face on Right so Remember when we were We were in Amsterdam Didn't even grab my luggage. Right. You got a chance to get changed. Put a face on. All right, so. Remember when we were in Amsterdam,

we were in the Soho House Hotel? No comment. Oh, that time. Yes. How come now? We're just in a travel lodging pool. What happened to this tour? Oh, nah.

What happened? Well, so here's the problem, boys and girls. That's what happens. We've been doing the same tour for about eight years now. And some of the places are lovely. And those are the places we go back to every year. And then some of the places are new and experimental. And more times than not, they're shy and we end up never going back to them. But thanks to Netflix success, this tour has been a sort of mixture of those gigs selling out

and also with newer gigs added in bigger venues which is obviously what the future holds for us but occasionally

you have to come crashing back down to reality by coming to fucking pool now in pool's defence audience was great

audience was great they were really really really good I was not looking forward to going on stage no because we

got to the travel lodge which was big grim yeah right wasn't it someone talking in the lift like a crazy person and oh god i you know and just everyone in this place has a penchant now again the audience were lovely but everyone else in pool is a thousand years old it was such a relief when we got on stage and it was like oh like it was just people traveled into pool to be here it was the only it was such a relief when we got on stage and it was like oh like people travelled into Poole to be here it was the only it was like

our room was literally the only people in Poole that organs hadn't been harvested by the fucking living dead that occupied because there

I think it was on fucking the what were we fucking here with there was like the Birmingham Symphony Orchestra

was in upstairs is that what was in yeah yeah so it was like the Birmingham Symphony Orchestra was in upstairs is that what was in yeah yeah so it was just fucking they were so old like the room like I've never seen so many old people

all in one place it's like up north you've got Liverpool and down here you've got Deadpool what is what is it with that joke

that warm breath you give that joke was more than it deserved I know I know I just thought I'd let some like because some jerk off is going to really like that joke was more than it deserved. I know, I know. I just thought I'd let some, like, because some jerk-off is going to really like that joke

and I'll let it tickle them. What is it with all the cunts in the orchestra? Like, you know, because, you know what, I think there was a time when orchestra made sense, right? And that was when they weren't putting orchestra music in action movies, right? You're like, and you're just like, oh, man, this is the only way I can hear this

real fucking intense shit but the second it became like you could listen to fucking operatic music in other fucking scenarios while watching the preamble of Star Wars aye I think it might be this I think it might be how like you kind of stick in your ways with music because it's

nostalgic like I'll like listen to 90s rap music and I'll swear by it that 90s rap music is better but also I used to like drive around some of my first

relationships and friendships and all that like while revolving around that music playing so it kind of takes you back to your like childhood and your defining years

like when you turn from a child to an adult but you told me fucking rap M&M concerts in fucking 50 year times it's just gonna be a bunch of fucking

old fogies standing around fingering each other's dusty gashes. I went to a Rush concert with my dad and it was pretty much that just me fingering my dad's dusty gash but by suggesting that you're suggesting that

all these fucking 8 year old fucking pensioners that couldn't have been the only music out there it wasn't just fucking orchestra shit when they were teenagers they weren't fucking doo-wopping and fucking dabbing in fucking clubs shit when they were teenagers they weren't fucking doo-wopping and fucking dabbing and fucking clubs and whatnot

listening to a saxophone I think soon there's going to be people looking at us listening to rap music right like people in their

20s and 30s will be like I'm talking like when they're in their 20s and 30s we'll be in our 60s and 70s listening to rap music

and they will not understand the fucking what the hell we are listening to it's because they didn't grow up on the streets like we did what is this tripe

I reckon because they'll have grown up on worse streets tell you what I'm really into now I think we may have covered this but absolute filthy bangers

oh some absolute filthy bangers how filthy like having to like scrub my cock with steel wool.

If you don't know what an absolute fucking filthy banger is, go into Spotify right now. And this is not the filthiest banger, but it's what kicked this all up in my mind by... Whoever, just having it in my mind. Me, Gareth Waugh, G-Tip and Eshaan, who is one of our tour managers, we had a fucking belt night in Prague, got absolutely smashed.

Next day, missed our fucking train to Vienna. So I had to sit in our cafe for like two hours, hung over our fucking skulls on a comedown. And then there's just this small fucking cafe in Prague. The music that came on was the song In My Mind. And if you listen to it, over the course of those fucking three minutes, it was like an ecstasy pill kicked in, which just has been like,

fucking what is this utter filth? Like pop a bit of spring straight back in her step. So now you and me and Gareth have now got a filthy... Oh, maybe they could find our playlist. Oh, could they? Oh, maybe they could. You may be able to find our playlist. I think I might have

called it I think it's called I'll find out what it's called just now right so I just went through and done like artist radio

based on that track because I've never really been into dance music I've never really understood I mean we've discussed in a previous podcast

that I didn't know how to dance until I was 35 it's called Filthy Bangers by Kai Humphries on Spotify make public

playlist is now public there you go you can listen to our absolutely filthy bangers there's a one on there called Weed and Clonopin which is I think

my hands down favourite but it's isn't it oh no mine's is fucking some of the

Mike Emilio ones the Last Circus 2018 and Don't Give a Fuck Deep is... Man, I'm just walking through... I mean, when we were in Europe, I was walking through airports being like, the absolute fucking state of these.

That's disgusting. Man, I'm surprised I get let through fucking customs with them. I'd rather fucking have child porn found on my computer than some of this. It's filthy. I just found it like strange that it like

in my 30s I just got into a whole new genre of music that's always been there and I felt a bit like oh I got it wrong

like I never heard it right like I knew people were enjoying that stuff I knew people were enjoying filthy bangers for years but I just thought like

what are they saying that just loud noises I think it's because everyone that was into it was just like a fucking I mean probably

the ones that was always just chavs chavs chavs fucking fucking aye so them chavs voxel

keep it down them chavs oh yeah we've got neighbours the chavs and the voxel novas like doing wheel spins

in little car park I always associated we didn't stop to think oh they know music aye The chavs and the voxel novas, like, doing wheel spins in Little Car Park. I always associated... We didn't stop to think, oh, they know music. Aye, and also a lot there was, like, the faster ones. Yeah. These ones aren't so much that,

until them absolutely filthy drops come in. Now, to change the subject completely, some of you have asked us, because obviously listening to the podcast and knowing me you know that I am a very big Harry Potter fan

and you're a reasonable Harry Potter fan you've seen all the movies we went to the stage thing together you've read all the books because I go again tip

yeah we went to the theatre is that what you just said yeah and we both thoroughly enjoyed the first Fantastic Beasts movie we named a corner

after the franchise yeah so very much into it so some of you have asked for our opinions on the new Fantastic Beasts movie. We're named a corner after the franchise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So very much into it. So some of you have asked for our opinions on the new Fantastic Beasts movie, The Crimes of Grindelwald. So we're going to do that now. It's been around for two weeks

and if you're a real Harry Potter fan, you would have watched it by now. But this is your one fucking warning that you're getting that you can skip forward. I promise that we'll stop talking about it by 20 minutes into the podcast. So if you want to skip forward, like a fucking muggle, because we're going to spoil something for you so if you want to skip forward like a fucking muggle

because we're going to spoil something for you that you should have seen by now you fucking muggle now's your chance you really showed them I did I got them

I was going to say something awful but like but then I would have turned muggle into an actual insult if I went here's a muggle thing

you do you fucking precks that's me suggesting all muggles are precks we're not actual they're just muggles so we're 10 minutes talking about muggles so our 10 minutes talking about Fantastic Beasts

starts here this is my opinion first one absolutely loved it right it's about Fantastic Beasts they're set in New York and where to find them

so they're in New York looking for Fantastic Beasts they were fantastic they definitely stuck to the theme the theme was wonderful it was visually amazing the narrative

it doesn't matter right the narrative. The theme was wonderful. It was visually amazing. The narrative, it doesn't matter, right? Narratives, like, it wasn't possible. No, I loved the first one. But it was all about the Fantastic Beasts. This one,

it's almost like, oh, for fuck's sake, we've called it Fantastic Beasts and now we have to? Nah. So they're trying to, like, develop this plot and this story, which, by all means,

is, like... You are aware that Fantastic Beasts is just the the the franchise you know all the other Harry Potter movies

also were called Harry Potter and they're like oh I have Harry Potter I have Harry Potter but that's not that's not

what's happening here the second one the second one's called The Crimes of Grindelwald but it's not called Fantastic Beasts The Crimes of Grindelwald yeah but like

after that it's just the right but there's points in it where they went oh fuck we'll call this Fantastic Beasts like wait

let's get everyone in the suitcase and feed a shark and then come back out and you go what was that about yeah we're heading out

because we're called Fantastic Beasts no he's got a fucking suitcase full of beasts so of course but it doesn't even need it's not necessary to anything

that happens in the thing and then like they decided to put this like weird big Japanese cat thing

in it and do the rattle joke twice and throw it in there but like crowbar the fuck in though like

they give up on it they give up on it being Fantastic Beasts I just went with the characters and the story rather than I think you're a man

that ignored the second half of a movie title and was just like there's not enough beast in this for me and also I thought it was a decent enough watch

it was alright it was alright but it also felt like a stepping stone movie for the next movie like how to connect the first movie to how it ends

you literally just watch it's a bridge film it was a Davos chapter a Davos chapter good reference excellent reference Game of Thrones if you've ever heard

Game of Thrones you'll always know that it's no louder sigh in the world than when you finish a really good chapter Tyrion or something Tyrion or fucking

even sometimes fucking Jaime and Cersei and then at the top it just says Davos and you go oh little mini book review you know what was fucking amazing about reading the Game of Thrones books is that for the first I think two books there wasn't a Jaime Lannister chapter the same

as there's no Robb Stark chapter right you just know of him through other people's point of view so you get everybody else's opinion on him and everybody else's the way they see him right you just know of him through other people's point of view so you get everybody else's opinion on him and everybody else's the way they see him and you hate him for two books

and then you get a couple of chapters start at three from in his head and you're like oh he's alright actually I shouldn't have took their opinion

I might have to re-read Gamers Rooms actually because I just finished it well I didn't just finish but fucking you know we love time that's that big ass 14 book series I haven't started that yet fucking you know we love time that's that big ass 14 book series

I haven't started that yet I loved that like if you're a fucking fantasy nerd like I am it is absolutely spot on but it is

such a commitment and I don't know if they do if they do it on audiobook that might be a good way to fucking re-listen to it I'll check it out I'll check it out on audiobook alright then we can go watch

all of the 14 movies and then all the 14 stage plays together another fantasy franchise I read was franchise series was

The Magician by Raymond A. Feist oh I that's the other one I fucking need to again remind me after this podcast to download that

because I'm genuinely going to make that my next book because I think something maybe the viewers don't really know about is like because I mean this in the nicest possible because I think that's something maybe the viewers don't really know

about because I mean this in the nicest possible way I think a lot of them think you're too stupid to read

because that's because that was definitely my impression of you I've read hundreds of books

so many like you're very you're genuinely very well read sorry there was a compliment like you're very you're genuinely very well read sorry there was a compliment coming after that brilliant

you're an incredibly well read man and your taste in book is almost impeccable like every book recommendation

bar one I've thoroughly fucking enjoyed you didn't enjoy the the Dark Tower Dark Tower series that's a shame

that because I think you may be wrong I think I mean it's a Stephen King book and it's a bestseller

so I'm fully willing to admit at this point that I'm probably wrong we should just make this episode just like what

we've been reading and watching and just give some to stay like a review show oh right shall we wrap up

Fantastic Beasts and get tuned back in yeah yeah so you finish your thoughts on Fantastic Beasts that was mine I enjoyed it

but I felt like I got like a bit used no I didn't get used you used me I just felt like they used that platform to bridge it to the next one

which they've got big plans for they've set it up real nice for it to be yeah a good like bad versus evil I mean good versus evil

yeah I got it right first thing and also Crowbar and the Fantastic Beasts stuff instead of making it the focus that was my

opinion on it I thought it was okay I thought the first Fantastic Beasts was amazing I can't remember the name of the

fucking chubby friend guy the comic relief guy but I loved him in the first movie I thought his fucking storyline was great

and his romance with his fucking doolally bitch which that was great real nice through arc and then it just

fucking lost all that yeah he wasn't needed for the whole thing it was just like dead wood I didn't even it wasn't in fact

I didn't need him to have a reason to be there because I didn't enjoy him so much in fact that I like I didn't need him to like have a reason to be there because I didn't enjoy him so much in the first movie I'm like yeah you're the comic relief character I've got to boom

it took me a while because I hadn't watched the first one since it was at the cinema so I didn't re-watch it or anything and like for the first bit

I was like who the fuck's this Paul Blart more cop guy mini Paul Blart we probably don't recognise because he's really good he's really fucking endearing

and nice in the first one and in this one he's just like a fucking like his introductions like the way they introduce him is where he's just fully fucking besotted by his missus and that's because she's put him under a sort of charm but like as a fucking fan i think like look i've not watched the other movie very recently you can't reintroduce a character out of character yeah mug him right because you just you brought him in where he's not like about that really fucking threw me very recently. You can't reintroduce a character out of character. Yeah, mug him right off. Because you've just,

you've brought him in where he's not likeable. That really fucking threw me. I thought her storyline was a bit meh. And also the bitch that fucking Newt fancies, fucking barely in it,

they just had a wee tiffle. Oh, I thought you married her. Oh, no, I didn't. She's married to my brother. Oh, that's a whole kerfuffle. Oh, we're too socially awkward to talk about this. Oh, I've got,

it's just, and some of the magic just felt awkward to talk about this oh I've got it's just and some of the magic just felt like I was like I've not seen those spells before how come they've invented more spells

in the past was one of them time travel and then they went into the future and deleted the spell time travel is it the opposite they used time travel for so many years to go back in time

and stop people and then in the future to stop that ever happening and then went into the future that'd be a good movie is that the Sandals of Time from no

the Sandals of Time is a great no you know if you had a fucking movie right you're a time traveller what you do is you spend all your time

going back in time right killing all the fucking people to make the present really good right what you then have to do at that point is also go forward in time right and just kill or just be able to fully get rid of time what you then have to do that point is also go forward in time right

and just kill or just be able to fully get rid of time travel you've got to whatever you can do so that i destroy yeah so that nobody can reverse all the good you've done because all it takes is for an evil can to find the same travel travel time travel fucking shit then come back and just undo everything you've done somebody write that movie so the movie is lots of people time traveling back in time fucking up the future and then somebody in the future and then come back and just undo everything you've done. Somebody write that movie. So the movie is lots of people time travelling back in time, fucking up the future, and then somebody... Saving the future. And then somebody back in time is trying to work out how to time travel forwards.

Aye. So they can prevent it. Prevent the time travel. It's the other half of the time travel division. Yeah. Somebody write that movie. TM. It's a little C with a circle around it.

Copyright. That counts. There's lawyers. They'll buy me up. Yeah. This is time stamped. Um, so,

what we're both agreeing on now, even though you started on the count that it was a good movie, we're both agreeing that it was a bit of a shambles. It was a bit of a shambles. I just,

you know, I think I enjoyed it more than you did, which is absolutely fair because I enjoy everything in Harry Potter more than you do. I think I visually enjoyed it,

like action scenes and whatnot. Yeah. And I get your point, again, I get your points, but I'm more than you do. I think I visually enjoyed it, like action scenes and whatnot. Yeah. And I get your point. Yeah, I get your points, but I'm just, you know. That's what I always like. That's something I put in MuggleCon as well,

when people like whinge about a blockbuster. And you're like, what did you want? What did you want from it? I can't believe I wasted nine pounds watching this movie. It's like,

can't they waste 80 million making it? Like, trust me, you're not the one that feels shy. Like when I went to watch Last Jedi and people have been whinging about it

because they're so invested in that series that franchise and I just watched it going oh that's so that's what you get when you spend

that much money on a movie like I'm just watching like the it's like if you see like the best sports car

in the world right like whatever fucking money you can spend on a sports car in the world right like whatever fucking money you can spend on a sports car you're just looking at and fucking sweet

and I like it might not be practical and they bump it when you get it up on your drive right you don't pick all them things

apart about it like you just go oh sweet good car happy that's good enough for me

but you know what people are miserable bags of shit and here's some recommendations you don't go what's the fuel consumption shut up man how many miles do you get to a gallon That's good enough for me. But you know what? People are miserable bags of shit. And here's some recommendations. You'll go, what's the fuel consumption?

Shut up, man. How many miles do I get to a gallon? It's like an air con. I don't really like convertibles. Not for me. When I got a convertible in LA, I picked you up in a convertible. I spent all the extra money on a convertible in LA

just to impress you. Picked you up in the airport. And also, like in January in LA. So it's picked you up from the airport and also like in January in LA so it's not convertible weather it's fucking freezing

you don't need for the swag and I spent the whole time going can we put the roof up and at one point you did put the

windows up 10 litres on I had to fucking stop in the middle of a fucking freeway to put the top up anyway that was fun

and to 20 minutes right alright perfect so no more spoilers now alright Snape goes to Dumbledore

what oh that's another thing sorry guys I just felt like they kept like oh here's someone from the originals here's someone

who's done a lot of that let's do our recommendations of what we've been doing I think if anyone's not seen the movie Tag I truly believe it is one of the funniest movies I've ever seen in my, I don't say this lightly

I think it's one of the most perfect made movies in the past 10 years I think it's hugely underrated, it went well under the radar it's Ed Helms fucking Big Sexy from Hannibal Brass

oh I had Jeremy Renner fucking what's his cunt from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and Mad Men

John Hamm him Isla Fisher Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Gribben Steve Isla Fisher Steve Gribben that's the musical interlude it's got genuine it's also got

fucking what's his face from New Girl Jake Johansson or Jack Johansson Jack Johnson Jack Johnson

the musician Jack Johnson anyway thank you it's such a fucking funny movie I've watched it five times this year already and I guarantee

I'm going to watch it twice more it's so good I was disappointed it wasn't about like ankle tags it is a good film really enjoyed it I've got a book to recommend

do you go ahead I really want everybody that listens to the podcast to download it on the Kindle. A Guide of Being a Proper Compaire by a Proper Comedian by Dave Longley. That's so good. I'll give the back story of this.

There's a comedian called Freddie Quinn. Great comic, top log. I've never seen him perform, actually. I don't think I have. Me neither. I just know he's a funny guy and I know that he's comparing Hot Water

which is arguably the biggest comedy club in the UK right now so he's he's doing well right and he released a book called How To Be A Compaire

by Freddie Quinn aye for like 1999 which which considering I mean I don't know

I don't know how big you think the market is for fucking like surely that's a book is that well you reckon The Reach is going to go to

is that because it's a specialist book like you know if you were to buy a book on law it's going to cost you like 80 pounds for the like hardback publication but obviously comedy is way smaller

like every year I reckon there's only fucking 50 comics that are looking to be compares

but you know what do your thing so he's he's created this book for them and then Dave Longley which I reckon will be a good book I feel like I should

I should buy it and read it now after buying Dave Longley for £19.99 fuck off not a chance mug you've got two Netflix specials

I have you've got you've got three shows which you regularly host I think Freddie would be pissed off if you had the fucking oh thanks Freddie oh I'm going to read this book

it's upside down oh what an interesting book host of Glastonbury so anyway like people who are getting into comedy if any comedian wrote a book

on what they experienced so far to reach where they are now if every comedian wrote that a new comedian should fucking buy whatever the fuck

is on the shelf to get good at it right but Dave Longley just come in and wrote like a book called a proper guy to be a company by a proper comedian

it's that little book with fucking six quid I think it was only two or three quid and wrote a book called A Proper Guide to Being a Compaire by a proper comedian. It started for a fucking six quid. I think it was only two or three quid. I bought it at two or three quid for the download. It was six quid to buy. It's like 40 pages long, but it's just a take. It's a parody.

It's a parody book. It's a very, very hilariously offensive parody. So offensive. parody book very very hilariously offensive it's all offensive it's

it's you saw me you watched me reading it yesterday I was properly laughing at that

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

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the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the on the front isn't even like him doing stand up it's just him flexing with his top off I love Dave Loggley he's so caught up in that I think he's one of the funniest people alive he's absolutely not for everyone

and that's why I never he's got a podcast which I love listening to and I always listen to it but I'll never recommend it it's hard to share. Because, like, people make noise. Like, he doesn't spell out when he's being ironic. Right.

So if people just hear the words he's saying, like, they don't see how steep and ironing it is because it's so fucking dry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's a very, very intelligent man. I don't know if I've mentioned this other podcast, but he did one episode. I think it's episode 48. I'm not sure, but it's around about that mark right he does it with this guy he does the podcast with a guy called Eddie Hu

who's this I think he's from Bolton he's from Bolton or something right and he's got a Bolton accent but he's like clearly a second third generation Chinese Malaysian Chinese so

so one like every time Dave does the podcast he calls Eddie Hu so you hear it ring and it's a scheduled call so Eddie knows when he's going to ring

right and then he does the podcast over the phone and this particular one he rang it out like it starts off

with a it starts off with a preamble where Dave says like answer phone message of Eddie Hu, saying he can't be in the podcast. But it starts in very much the same way, where it rings, and then Dave says hello,

and then Dave answers himself back in a Chinese accent, like, hello. And they were talking South Park parody Chinese accent. So after a couple of minutes, I'm like, this is fucking hilarious. He's pretending to have a conversation with Eddie Hoon with a racist accent

that Eddie doesn't have a Chinese accent that he doesn't have but then 48 minutes later or fucking something like that right

that's where I think I got 48 from I don't think it's episode 48 I think it's a full hour podcast it was nearly an hour which is at all

nearly an hour it's very much like this one we're trying not to breach the hour and he managed to fucking maintain and have some real It was nearly an hour, which is all nearly an hour. It's very much like this one. We're trying not to breach the hour. And he managed to fucking maintain and have some real serious conversations about some serious topics.

Well done. I love that episode. There was one bit where he had a really interesting conversation about the majority of bookings in comedy being male compared to female, like the ratio being off. And he had a really interesting conversation

about that topic. And a balanced one on both sides. Balanced on both sides. But it was just himself doing it anyway. Listen to it. That's your homework. Speaking of podcasts that we recommend, apart from Dave Longley's one,

which Kai does recommend, but publicly I won't, but do listen to it, it's great, is Reply All. I don't know if anyone's not going into this. I was sceptical about it. It's one that fucking Gene recommended. I think it's like sort of tech security

guys, which sounds lame as shit, but they're basically like just solving like sort of weird tech mysteries that happens to all of us or individuals. And every episode is like a different fucking thing. It's fascinating. The last one I listened to was about one of his friends said that in 2012 or whenever it was, bought some Bitcoin so she could buy drugs on the dark web.

Got herself some fucking MDMA and then had a little bit of change left in the wallet. Now she's got like a different laptop the original laptop's dead she doesn't know where the currency is she was like but if there is the slightest bit of change in that wallet it's going to be worth like fucking £200,000 now so they're basically trying to find this Bitcoin

so it's like it just becomes like an investigation it becomes an investigation to find a Bitcoin and teaches the history of it and how it works so the other one I listened to which was real good was one of the guys got like a

scam phone call like a very clear scam phone call from somewhere in India being like oh your computer's got a virus but it's such a tech freak

just trying to get his password off yeah yeah and he just kept going he was like fuck it let's go he was like I'll just go ahead

I'm going to try and find out what these guys are scamming me for so he just goes along with the thing doesn't give over any information Epcot he was like fuck it let's go he was like I'll just go ahead I'm going to try and find out what these guys are scamming me for so he just goes along with the thing doesn't give over any information that can fuck him over and then later on he's like hey buddy I know you're scamming me

I just want to know to what end were you trying to get out of this and the guy's like we are legion we are anonymous we are good to go and he just laughs to the front and goes oh really you're anonymous and the guy's like well no and then he gets into a genuine conversation with this scammer laughs to the front and goes, oh, really? You're anonymous? And the guy's like, well, no. And then he gets into a genuine conversation with this scammer. And then it's a two-part episode, that one.

And it just, the story unfolds. It's a riveting lesson. It's when they're, because he starts trolling them, right? There's one bit where he phones back again saying, I've been asked to phone this number. And then he has to be on his computer. So he has to give them remote access to his computer

and he lets them on but he's fun to picture the scammer and he's got that loose desktop background I listen to a fair few of them but they're all very different they're all very good

I'm just going to keep recommending stuff we can do it until we get to Michael Corden we can recommend some more bits I'm currently enjoying the Punisher comic books oh which ones

not the Punisher ones Preacher Preacher every time do that a lot of now so Preacher but Saga Saga is it

I've got I've got book number 8 I've not fucking read it yet I've been too busy just being a legend and if if you want to get into comic books but it's like

never been your bag go to Comixology which is actually linked with Amazon but just been a legend. And if you want to get into comic books, but it's like never been your bag, go to Comixology, which is actually linked with Amazon. But it's a good comic book reader on your iPad, Comixology. So you'll get like, say if you've got a portrait, you'll get like the full page of the comic, right?

But if you turn it landscape and double tap the window, the window fills the screen. And then you slide through and it transitions between each of the windows of the comic book. Oh, like panel to panel. That really helped me

because, I mean, my eyes aren't great and I was reading The Watchman on like... I'm over here. The thick... What? I'm over here.

The Watchman. My eyes aren't great. I'm over here. Fucking... I was looking everywhere for you. Jesus Christ. So I'm reading it and I'm just like

strained my eyes it's the actual physical book right and then I get I didn't want to travel around with such a weighty

book in my bag because I'm going through fucking airport security every day and that I don't want to get into

airport security it's got anything to do with it I thought so I don't want to go through with a weighty book

it's just I've never seen you in an airport going, Ah. That's why? That is mainly because you're fucking, you're going to be. I had no idea you felt like such a pack horse. I apologise profusely.

I've just got all this stuff in my bag. I just want to minimalise it. It's all about minimalising. So then I moved to the book reader, the Comixology on the iPad. for me back I just want to minimalise it it's all about minimalising so then I moved to the book reader the comiXology

on the iPad and I picked up so much more there's so much devil in the detail with comic books like you can miss out on if you're just

scanning through them like if you really concentrate on each one I just do that I skip to the end well not even intentionally but I'll just

automatically look at the last panel on each page Saga's so good it's like when you first got me into comic books I was like

a little bit resistant to it because I thought it was all like just I don't know like Captain America and The Flash and The Hulk

and like I just thought it was all like the same type of like once I've read one superhero book and I've probably read them all

it's not really like I'll watch the movies because they're really high budget and stuff but I'm not that arsed about the narrative of a superhero book. It took a bit of convincing but

I didn't realise how much scope there was. Oh it's way bigger than the movies. Movies never do the comics justice is the problem. In the superhero things usually just a fraction of the, like Logan Key was nothing even close. That was more like a horror. Yeah Key yeah Lock and Key

is a real good recommendation for anyone wanting to get into comics there's six available online just buy the first one everyone I've recommended the two I've said to them

I'm going to give you the first one and I bet you I fucking bankrupt you in the next month I've had people get in touch with us like thanking us profusely

for the recommendation of Lock and Key because it's so good and here's something I discovered after reading it Right, so I read them like maybe 2014 on to her and then em I found out recently just in the last year or so that it was Joe Joe Hill Joe Hill as the even Kings son So obviously must be joking and for that fucking King's son so obviously he must have been called Joe King and thought I can't with that

so he's called himself Joe Hill but after finding out so it's dad's king in the hill

so many times like no it's next door so

when I realised that was from Stephen King's heavy influence I was like of that was like from Stephen King's heavy influence I was like of course like of course

that came from him it's L-O-C-K-E and Key just as he spelled it just as Key and if you've never read comic books before

it's a real strong place to start because it's not what you think comic books are about it's dark as fuck and fun as well like really creatively books are about it's dark as fuck and fun as well

like really creatively fun as well as being dark as fuck all right so saga lock and key preacher

what else do I recommend Dave Longley's book Dave Longley's podcast Dave Longley's dick we always finish

each other's Dave Longley's dick we're so close should we just call other's Dave Longley's dick we're so close should we just call this the Dave Longley podcast it's the only way he'll ever listen to it the fucking narcissist he listens to it all the time

does he sorry Dave he always texts us every time I did a good joke he never texts me he just texts me I just wanted to see you react yeah but yeah

he has been in touch well I say been in touch like when I've seen him he's mentioned bits that we've said on the podcast he does listen to it

thanks Dave that's real sweet hearing that Dave oh man did I talk on the podcast about what I'd done when

Gareth Mutch bought me Download I don't know if you did I mentioned that I could do it anyway

right so we were wait yes you did a day yes you did speak about it on the last podcast

the Gay Swarries oh yeah the Gay Swarries not the Gay Swirees? Aye. Yeah. The gay soirees, not the gay soirees. The gay soirees. Is there any other kind of soirees? I also recommend breathing and anal. Not at the same time. Hold your breath when you're getting fucked up the arse.

Do you have any mongrel corners? I think this is probably well trodden. when you're getting fucked up the office. Do you have any muggle corners? I think this is probably well-trodden. But you know when people try to give you directions to somewhere and you've got a phone, and you just try, I'll put the postcode in, and they're like, oh yeah, but when you see the thing, and you turn off the instruction 30, and you're like...

There's so much more information in front of my very eyes than anything you can tell me. And you try and go, I'll just put the post I got the postcode just give me stop giving us directions just give us the postcode shh

shh it's always usually yeah you just always want to do that thing romantic people do in movies where they just you know one of them's running

they just put the finger up and they just go shh no no no no no no whenever I say to someone can you give me directions too if the directions

are any more than over there just I'll put it in the phone people go it's a short walk I was like

alright I'll stick it and they think no no I can just no no no what do I look like a fucking compass not a moral compass

I actually remember a time when people would like actually stop and ask for directions people just listened aye like because I remember sometimes if I was in Blimey actually stop and ask for directions and people just listened yeah like

because I remember sometimes like if I was in Blythe and someone asked us for directions like I'd make them I'd like make them go around like a

roundabout and come back and go around that roundabout at the other side and then come back and then go past us and turn left at that roundabout

so I just took in like a way to come back past where we already are go back past again and and then move on. And did people fall for that? No, they just thought it was funny. Because it was.

I thought you were just like the world's worst prankster. Assuming everyone was as thick as you are. It was just me a little bit of in-the-back-pocket banter that I knew I had, if I needed to. Just in the fucking gadget belt. The utility belt just so you just go round there

round about there and pass me and if you see me you've gone too far I think I'm going to go in the wrong directions what and then realise afterwards

no intentionally nah probably not oh there's not there's you do that there's no feeling like it it's one of my proper wee canty things

that I sometimes do just because deep down I am a cunt top three going through hotels and changing do not disturb signs to

please make up my room signs is there's no excuse for it it's a canty thing I do it all the time I find it hysterical another canty thing I do at nightcl time I find it hysterical another canty thing I do at nightclubs sometimes

if I don't like the nightclub and I hate the people in it I'll piss on the toilet paper I've done that I've done that before I've not done it in recent years I've grown up but I'll admit I've done it

that's a shitty thing to do because like shitting in a nightclub is the worst thing in the world that's what I was going to get at if you're having a shit in a nightclub

it's an unforgivable thing you are desperate I know you are desperate so imagine being in such a state of desperation you have to shit in a nightclub and then you're having a shit in a nightclub it's an unforgettable thing you are desperate I know you are desperate so imagine being in such a state of desperation you have to shit in a nightclub and then you're looking going

bastards I know I know and for some reason for some reason I'm even hearing it I know it's bad but I'm still giggling

it still makes me laugh you know it would be a funny way to give directions if someone pulled over and was like oh can I have you got any directions to like the fucking the theatre yeah right whatever they someone pulled over and was like oh can I you got any directions to like

the fucking the theatre what am I looking for and you go oh actually I'm really close to it

now it's literally just through that cut behind the houses but like it's ages

to drive around so you're probably best off just parking here and going through that cut

you're pretty much there so not only do they go off the road but they park their car

and just kind of wander off in the wrong direction. See? You can feel the joy in your heart. Oh, being creative like that with it, it's better. It's muggly if you just take it the wrong way. No, no, no.

There's some points in there. Like, it's an old fucking joke that it's, you know, it's hack in Edinburgh, but it's true. It's American tourists coming up to you and going do you know where the castle is now to people that have not been to Edinburgh you might assume that that's a fair question and the place has been like

hey can you point to where the castle is until you know the law that exists in Edinburgh that no building is ever allowed to be built within 50 metres of the height of the castle

Edinburgh Castle is the highest point in Edinburgh at all times outside of fucking Arthur's Seat right there's nothing

there's nothing near it that's why Edinburgh's got one of the best fucking skylines in the world because it's awesome so wherever you are you can nothing near it that's why Edinburgh's got one of the best fucking skylines in the world because it's awesome so wherever you are you can point to it

pretty much wherever you are you can see the fucking castle and we were just on the Royal Mile right it's on one of those ends it's its driveway

you're essentially on the castle's driveway we're on the Royal Mile and they go do you know where the castle is and I just pointed down a hill and I just went

fuck it and they went thanks and I'm like unbelievable you deserve to go in the wrong direction you sent them in

at the end I passed away just having a stupid dog what an idiot honestly sunglasses it was fucking raining it's like honestly

the state of some people thought the couples were braille for his feet so that's like you know when someone's giving you directions it's almost cliche to say you stop listening after the first direction me and Natalie found out that happens

during sex like you're nearly there just further what shit that was nearly there there when we're at a nice restaurant you know when it's a nice restaurant

that'll tell you what's on your plate they'll come out and put it down for you and tell you how it was cooked and it'll be like they don't do that for intelligent people

by the way they don't do that for intelligent people by the way they don't just go you'll work that out he'll figure that out but they'll come up

to you and me and go this is salad oh well la di da so we're going to do a wedding present

nature's meat Natalie's friends for this lush like five star five star restaurant it was a five star hotel with a restaurant in central London

and we're getting food there and they come out and they're like oh these are beer-battered peanuts what the fuck what the fuck posh people eat

and then carried on telling you what else was on your plate and you're just like nodding and I just realised like I'm doing the thing I do when I get directions

like I never need to remember it just listen to what he's saying and hear it you don't have to but then I'm to what he's saying and hear it alright you don't have to but then I'm like right

this is a bit about peanuts and I oh what was it right I'm just going to try and remember the first one and just let him tell it you can always tell

how educated and sophisticated you are by what like words and that like what part of the sentence or the mail that you point out

where it's like so it's going to be a honeyed roasted pheasant and you either go ooh pheasant or it goes that you point out where it's like, so it's going to be a honeyed roasted pheasant. And you either go, ooh, pheasant, or it goes, or you go, ooh, glazed. To very different types of people. Oh, sparkling water.

So, sparkling water was and that. Oh, laddie. I often get in those fancy restaurants, you just look for the one word you fucking recognise. You ever go to a fucking proper like cocktail bar, like a gin cocktail bar, right? You just go. If you go to gin bars,

they don't tell you what bits of the gin, they just put the fucking name. It's got like grenadine in or something. You're like, what the fuck's grenadine? Oh, you see that fucking feminist, all the feminists say. What's grenadine? Like Jermaine Greer, that was it.

It's got Jermaine Greer in it alright some of the fucking cocktail bars you go to you just say I don't recognise any one of those fucking words at all it's fucking and you're just like

I'll have that one I'll have what she's having and that's how that started when Harry met Sally actually but I doubt you've seen that movie not recommended by the way is that just it's one of them it's one of those I don't think I've seen it movie. Not recommended, by the way. Is that just... It's one of them, isn't it?

It's one of those... I don't think I have seen it, actually. No, it's one of those old... Do you know those old classics? People go, oh, watch this. And you're watching, like, oh, this is actually shite. Some classics hold up, and some fucking classics don't. I'd say When Harry Met Sally.

Oh, what was that shite we all watched? You mentioned it the other day. So we... 2010. Yeah, we both read a book on how to write a screenplay right by Dave Longley a proper guy to write a screenplay

a proper screenplay and then just had one of Dave's dick pics one off the amount of pictures of Dave Longley's dick were 3D printed I know so

do you reckon I know you I know I almost had this a bit and then you did it as a bit but do you reckon it's ever happened

the fucking 3D dick pic oh yeah the you came up with because I had a I had a bit about dick pics in my set right and you were like

oh I had this bit I couldn't get work and so you ended up giving me a line a I had a bit about dick pics in my set right and you were like oh I had this bit I couldn't get work and so you ended up giving me a line about alright which is just like you know you can say I solicited dick pics

but in the future I think in the quite near future it's going to be quite common to have a 3D printer in the house once people realise that they put

four of other things that it can be used for it's a very handy thing to have around the house once more people do what will be able to happen is you will be able to hack into someone's

fucking thing while they're asleep just turn their fucking 3D printer on and 3D print your own dick in their house and it's going to be a new

they'll miss getting dick pics when they can just get a dick just imagine just fucking being able to literally tell someone to go fuck themselves

imagine when you're like your neighbour's bin is just full of them they've got a skip out the front just full of 3D printed dates

what were we talking about we were talking about the screenplay book you were like if you're thinking about writing a script read this

so we both read it and I was like I really want to watch Chinatown now because that is the example for the perfect screenplay like the way it was written the way it was broken down

the pivot points and the narrative so we're like we've got to watch this perfect film to find out how to write the perfect screenplay was this their shit

this film so fucking dumb I don't want to write anything like that which is absolutely good and I know that we fucking film fucking fans being like oh it's good for this I shite grow up just because it's fucking technically good I don't want to write anything like that which is absolutely good I don't know that we film fucking fans

being like oh it's good for this I shite grow up just because it's fucking technically good doesn't mean it's fucking interesting alright my muggle corner it's going to be a quick win

because I think we've done it before but muggles are regularly liked regularly laid it's a personality trait it's a personality trait I don't know how to do it people that use it go oh I'm always late and it's like personality trait it's a personality trait I don't know how to do it people that

go I'm always late and it's like no you don't have to be you don't have to be we live in a world now where you should not be late there are phones

literally fucking everywhere and that means that you can always know time right once you've been late once or twice you should know

how long it takes you to fucking get ready so you should factor that in be a fucking historian yourself and your own fucking bad habits and learn to turn up on fucking time, it's disrespectful it's the most disrespectful thing in the world I find

like when everyone else has got somewhere on time and you're fucking holding up the whole thing just because you're a lazy piece of shit and then it puts a little bit of like you don't want to spoil your day that someone's late but it puts a little bit of a bad mood

on the start of a night out or something so you know if everybody's ready to go and the taxi's booked and then you cancel the taxi and then someone rocks up

and then you go out and you're like yeah it's only half an hour gone right you've got taxis here and people aren't ready but not just half an

hour gone but like then the first half an hour it's a bit of a false start you're just like alright I think it's an incredibly incredibly selfish thing to do this is what waltzing late with an expensive watch on first half an hour, it's a bit of a false start. You're just like, ah. Right. I think it's an incredibly,

incredibly selfish thing to do. This is what, waltzing late with an expensive watch on. No. Well, we weren't talking about

on the podcast the other day, but we were just talking about in general. I think about when people buy really expensive watches. What are you buying? Because,

can you tell the time better than your phone? Well, arguably. Are you going to look at your watch more than your phone? your phone well arguably are you going to look at your watch more than your phone I think arguably

are you going to go 80 metres underwater I think arguably like some of them are better made in the sense that they keep time better like you know

you have to do you have to fucking readjust your watch if it's a manual as opposed to an automatic so I think I'm missing the point

on the buying of this jewellery I think buying of this the point on they're buying it as jewellery they're buying a bracelet aren't they even then when it comes to fucking jewellery don't get me wrong I think jewellery can look good but the second you get above like 500 quid I'm like

I want plus 3 strength I want to have like 20% fire resistance you just want it to just look like I don't know if you're like again you're a fucking expert like you'll be able to tell the difference between a fucking fake

and a real but you know what 99% of the world ain't fucking experts couldn't give a fuck there's probably every now and again the same way a train has by the way

someone's going to call you and go oh is that one of the such and such you know like they'll come up oh them them yeezys like you've got this

like little sub community that you've got where you'll recognise each other on the tube. Aye. You are a wanker, isn't it?

Sorry. I think that's funny. I remember when one of my mum's friends got married and everyone was asking to fucking see her ring and I was young at the time

and I was like, oh, fucking hell, how much does it cost, all that sort of stuff and I was like, fucking okay, expensive jewellery,

fucking does it, okay, I get it, it makes girls go crazy, right? And then I saw the exact same reaction, right? My aunt came back with a fucking okay, expensive jewellery fucking does, okay, I get it, it makes girls go crazy, right? And then I saw the exact same reaction, right? My aunt came back with a fucking necklace, right? And what the necklace was, somebody cut the fucking forky bit off a fork, you know, the bit of a fork that makes it a fork and not just a handle.

I just melted it a bit, twisted them all around, stuck two gems on it, right? And this exact same type of woman was like, oh my God, that's beautiful, that's lovely. I'm like, all jewellery is the same now. So you're getting a compliment it's all if it's more compliments if it's free homemade and quirky

or if it's like like thousands of pounds you're just going to get the same pseudo oh that's nice and maybe I'm missing something here maybe you sluts

can let us know yeah I've never like I I mean I wouldn't wear jewellery expensive or not do you not used to have a chain

I remember you've got it on your do you not have it on your DVD no it's not on my DVD I think it's just on me I used to have a big thick silver one

it was really thick you just can't wet and wild keep it on try and drown yourself can't run with it on it's turned green running my neck now like

green like mascara running on my neck now green like mascara running on my collarbone I look classic my ones if you watch my Michael McIntyre's comedy roadshow set

I've just got this fucking my mate Big Ali bought me a bit I was too young to realise that Big Ali is a bit of a fucking chav

Big Ali wasn't with Jack he just enjoyed the fashion, which was the weird part. When you were a teenager, your maid bought you a necklace. For me, Christmas. On a bunch of losers. He did.

For me, Christmas. I loved it, I wore it for four years. I feel like my boys bought us a necklace for Christmas but it's fine to buy it for yourself but you're but you're a partner alright well

okay well I'm fucking glad I kept it for you for your Christmas present you ungrateful sack of shit to be fair the one I bought

you just says Kai and then it's my phone number on the back we're trying to back we're trying to we're trying to bend her alright

shows shall we plug them yeah I've got well we're recommending stuff I recommend all of Dave Longley's shows just big fan of Dave Longley we should call this podcast me love you Longley we should call this podcast me love you Longley time

right have we got any shows that we can sell some of the London ones aren't sold out a bunch of new ones have been added I don't know what they are

because they're in July so you fucking google Danny's website's got all the new ones in for the new year Christmas Punch Drunk Gigs they're amazing lineups by the way Websites got all the new ones in there for the new year and Christmas punch drunk gigs there Amazing layups by the way, it's a mark Nelson to be such a ponder and Phil nickel It's ways. Thank you. Not doing one. He's doing February. Oh, yeah, and so the Christmas gigs on

17th 18th and 19th, I think and Ashton's already sold out Blythe and Cromlin may still have tickets if you're lucky but soon it's going to be amazing sweet and that's

yeah and then North East you can download you can download my show from kylehuntridge.com forward slash shop discount code Muggins and I should get

some actual physical copies of them for Christmas presents oh I know it's cheap cunt just for me family Fucking give me Nah you can't do that

No I mean like For people to buy For Christmas presents Big podcast fans Oh Ah I thought you meant like You just get them

For gifts for your family No I mean for these guys Oh for these mugs Yeah because I could get all Three of my shows Put on one USB

You sell them As a little stocking filler Well do that then right you got your dad jokes maybe they're over there right you go get them

I've got more dates oh yeah a bunch of the Australia dates have gone on sale Melbourne it's coming up there's Sydney it's all on my website

you know the fucking deal I don't know my dates and I'm high speaking of high where's my pen let's just do this first there it is

it's by your feet you're doing this yeah your dad liked playing his maxi on Soul Calibur so he asked for maxi pads for Christmas

okay first of all that's not true my dad enjoyed playing his Sophia in Soul Calibur 2 wow I'm meant to be doing jokes on your dad

don't you yeah he loves Sophia fucking sword and shield I was always Keelik Keelik absolutely I was a fucking Keelik you just jumped up and pressed Y

and you just smashed down the head and you kept like from a mile away life hack your dad lost a lip sync battle because he's got no lips

your dad said two's company and three's a crowd to the celebrant at his wedding and then left Your dad says back in Nam whenever he talks about the last time he was in Birmingham

Your dad basted the Christmas turkey with his tongue Your dad's stag do was at DFS When I told your dad I was going on holiday He went Put me in your suitcase And now all I can hear Is muffled cries for help Coming from the box room

Because I'm not gone for six weeks Your dad gets off to Your dad, sorry Mulligan Your dad gets off Watching Salad Dretter You are high Your dad gets off watching Salad Dretter. You are high. Your dad prides himself on always waking up a minute before his alarm goes off.

I just can't believe he gets raped for a full minute before he sets it off. Your dad puts the bumpers up to park. When your dad opens the door to sign for a parcel he doesn't even check to see if the delivery guy's dead. To sign for a parcel? Fucking you are high. Your dad has the emotional range of a Nokia 3310 emoticon. That's right kids back in the day they weren't called emojis they were called emoticons

your dad rubs his hair with a balloon then touches your mum on the nose to prove that there's still a spark between them and then she sparks him out

your dad says just the tip when his doctor asks him if he can have a prostate exam kidding he asks him to take the glove off and take a run up.

And then tips him. Doffs his cap. Your dad isn't sure how to spell his name so he says Martin with two eyes and points at his face. Your dad wears a white skirt and stands over great to have wind blowing up through them. But he doesn't hold it down like Marilyn Monroe. He lets it blow the dress all up in his face revealing his father for justice tattoo

on his arse your dad goes to football matches dressed in the full refs kit and supports him instead of any other teams just showing

no he's not no he's not he isn't he isn't one of those that's right it's for the other fans your dad plays air guitar and then air date rapes

air underage girls at the air airport your dad runs himself a bath in the sink to save water your dad throws a proper half whatever I pick the top hat

monopoly to his thimble how's he going to set his buttons back on I haven't stopped the podcast yet stop kissing us I'm just