Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.18 Thick Cast III

Episode Date: December 6, 2018

A favourite from the previous seasons has been when Muggins and Cream get Elliot Steel on and do a short quiz to reveal how thick he is. Here is a new instalment and as ever no-body comes out of it looking smart but as always Elliot is thick flair (Thick Flair) It's joy to behold.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream And that's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Awww, muggles! Accidental rip job in the park Kiss kiss kiss! Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

I'm going to go start this episode with an impression, see if you can guess who I'm doing an impression of, right? Oh, there was no podcast last week. Oh, where's all the podcasts gone? Oh, you did this free content for me and I didn't get what they do. Who's that? That's the impression of all of Muggle Corner.

Aye, aye, aye. Absolutely the entirety of Muggle Corner. Fucking can't work out that this podcast is called Sloss and Humphreys on the road. So maybe when we're not on the road, there might not be a podcast. They're like, oh, but one lives in Edinburgh, one lives in London,

and we just expect them to somehow miraculously... Oh, Daniel, don't you live with Colin? Aye, shut up. Yeah, aye, you should have done one with Colin. Aye, I should have done one with Colin. Fair point, actually, aye. And I could have got Elliot on, but he's a bit of a dick.

I don't think I can run with him. Aye, that's a fair point. Anyway, welcome to our our guest Elliot Steele oh it's good to be back Elliot Steele notorious flat earther not only that flat mooner

and flat arser I mean I get the first two he's a flat singer as well flat chested it's nice to be back You do strike me as someone that's probably looked into the flat earth conspiracy Yeah no I went down that rabbit hole I'm too thick to really understand how the earth would be flat though

So you're too stupid for the Well don't be afraid they're all too stupid for it Like it's just, it's just... Like, it's... The thing that always blows my mind about the flat Earth thing is, like, like, what you said, look at the moon, right?

So we're the only flat... Everything else, like, all the stars, all the planets are quite clearly space, but we're just a fucking frisbee pinging around space. Like, if you're a flat Earther, look at the sun and just keep looking. Get your binoculars

out. Well, I just, I just, you know when you go on a plane and you look out the window and you can see like the earth, it's a bit, it's a bit round.

The curvature of the earth. That's the word I'm looking for. You would never have found it. Yeah. That was up in the

attic with loads of stuff that I haven't used since I was three. No, I, I I I looked into it but it gets really crazy because it all goes to like there's an ice realm

and there's orcs and stuff I think I might have confused it with Game of Thrones there's I think I have actually I actually did actually have like little theories like now Scientologists

like both people being lizards like I kind of like get that more than like any other conventional religion because they're all

as ridiculous as each other but they're one sound fun Scientology isn't lizard Scientology is that we were there was aliens and the aliens dropped things

dropped these souls yeah dropped souls into this volcano and now these souls are like going round making everyone feel sad that's where it got

that's what it is yeah yeah the lizards is David Icke and that's the royal family and that's actually true yeah I don't know if you've ever seen the queen eat an egg

but I have right and she breaks the shell with her beak first off weird thing lizards have beaks like what's the ones

like dinosaur type ones be have beaks like what's the ones like dinosaur type ones beaks beaks dinosaur of course triceratops has a beak I guess a bit I'm on about like

fucking prehistoric like type lizards I suppose like I don't think they're actually just like the fucking regular lizards because they don't have

any level of intelligence I'm talking about some fucking like fictional beast wait two questions either you think dinosaurs were smart

or dinosaurs were fictional beasts they had societies agriculture they had an entire movie called Neanderthal Park aren't you like so glad that dinosaurs

aren't around anymore man like Jesus fucking imagine that right so you know the the theory that

which I don't know how much of it is a theory but basically the only reason they've ever thought dinosaurs were scaled was because

there was nothing you couldn't see any of the fucking fire residue but if birds are if birds are that old their feathers

fucking decompose that's why they have beaks no but some of theaks it's very very possible that the fucking velociraptors had massive wings because if you look at the way their arms are

it's very similar to the way actual birds arms because all the actual wing itself fucking disintegrates over the years so they reckon

they might have just been like giant fucking turkeys and don't get me wrong the wings on the front the Tyrannosaurus Rex has wings on the front the Tyrannosaurus Rex has wings on the front so it's running around all ferocious

and then it just flips onto its back and flies off imagine you're just trying to like go to the shop and one of them things comes fucking flying at you

man screw that nah look no because what you're basing like you're saying alright it would suck if there was a world full of dinosaurs

I don't think it would because you're only assuming that there's wild dinosaurs right there's not fucking wild che you're only assuming that there's wild dinosaurs right there's not fucking wild cheetahs in London right

that's not going to fucking happen if we lived in a world where dinosaurs weren't dead we would just see dinosaurs a lot more in Canada they get like the occasional bear

that comes in do you think it would be like that do you think it would be like you know when they put the flags up on the beach because there's a great white there'd just be like a little warning

because there's a fucking nest he's just picking up there's a plesiosaurus just sticking its neck out of the water if you had to be eaten by any animal

what animal would you be eaten by oh a crab I need time to say my goodbyes you would

happily get pins to death is that what you'd say paging all my teeth paging all my teeth I think bear would be one of the worst

bear would suck because I honestly don't think a bear is sitting there being like because lions and tigers and bears are mine

no lions and tigers tend to do that thing where they're like they seem to be decent they go for like a kill shot and then they eat you I don't think a bear gives a fuck about a bear

a bear just goes straight for your soft bits I listened there's this audio there was this film called Grizzly Man and you watch it

and this guy goes and starts living with bears and then gets eaten by a bear because he's a fucking idiot and they were like in the film they were like there's audio of him being eaten

but we're not going to play it because it's really distressing and I was like well now I've got to go find the audio and you listen to it so when Steve Irwin died the first thing I could

was like wild cry because it was devastating when he died I was like where's the Steve Irwin died the first thing I could while crying because I was devastated when he died I was like where's the video though I had the same thing with Saddam Hussein

I cried as well when I looked for the video on this note about like what about that guy that went fucking Christian

convert that oh man oh god this is a wonderful story What about that guy that went to fucking Christian convert that day? Oh, the sentinels. Oh, man. Oh, God. This is a wonderful story. People weren't paying attention. There's a fucking island which is home to the Sentinelese,

which is like a very, very old tribe, undisturbed for thousands of years. And we've just made an agreement just to leave them. Yeah, the Indian government is just like, no, it's illegal to go there. Like, just let them, like, we don't get contact. They've got their own ecosystem. They've got their own them. Yeah, the Indian government is just like, no, it's illegal to go there. Like, just let them, like, we don't get contact. They've got their own ecosystem. They've got their own culture. Yeah, and also, if somebody goes...

It's one of the very rare preserved natural... Yeah, and also, if we go over, like, we're inoculated to a bunch of fucking diseases and we're naturally immune to a lot more diseases.

So if you go, if people go over there, it's dangerous to them. It's not that it's dangerous to you because, first of all, they've killed a whole bunch of people anyway and they get us near the island.

They fucking shoot them and then they bury them on the beach of people anyway when they get near the island they fucking shoot them and then they bury them on the beach because I could just go over and just kiss them all and they could all die of cold sores

exactly as if you're going to get past the fucking spears it's like that bit in Troy at the start where they're just

throwing spears at you and you're just jumping out of the way and then you run you jump through the air and just right on the cheek kiss him

is there no one else Hector who's Hector I don't know but he seems to have a crush on him he's been screaming his name since we got off the boat is that Hector over there

under the mistletoe yeah so that guy went over to like convert him to Christianity or some fucking nonsense aye he did he went over to like convert them to Christianity or some fucking nonsense aye he did he went over

he said and also it was quite like it was the second time he went wasn't it he went he scouted it a bit and he went there illegally he forgot his bible

the first time yeah he went over and one of his things in his fucking diary first of all takes a diary what a dweeb

deserves death already fucking Anne Frank over there second part he was he was he was a fucking racist right

because one of his last diary entries was like oh the centre of these islands is Satan's last Satan's last hellhole or something

it's his it's his last place of undisturbed territory it's like I mean if he said that about Iraq it would be an article like if I started

being around that I'd tell you what fucking serious Satan's last fucking living place he'd be like alright Jesus Christ I can see why

they're so upset so he went over he got shot with a bunch of fucking arrows and people have sympathy for him for some reason I think this

is one big metaphor why we haven't been visited by extraterrestrial life because we would just start firing the arrows you reckon they've just got a shit religion

I reckon they're just going look they're doing their own thing everyone knows we're there everyone's just fucking traversing

the galaxy doing their intergalactic fucking trade and everything and they're just going but don't go over to that fucking earth

on the sun galaxy I think we'll it's the sun galaxy that's what I call it the sun galaxy every time they've seen a circle into space like even though

to us the stuff we've done in space is interesting to us it's absolutely not interesting to aliens if you're traveling the galaxy all you're basically

watching is like oh look they've got the technology to go to another planet and they just see like three blokes going up a spaceship and then one guy would just see like three blokes going up to the spaceship and then one guy

would just play golf and then fuck off back to Africa like the fuck are these cunts doing all they did was he came up

they stabbed it went and touched it last and then fucked off are they all seven years old yeah why are they putting a flag

on that flat thing up there hold on are they instead of like getting their powers together they're going to race to the fucking

Jesus fucking Christ Russia sent a dog Russia went no no we don't deserve to go there first Fluffy does

man maybe the fucking aliens went there and fucking you know we don't know what type of technology they have maybe they. Man, maybe the fucking aliens went there and fucking, you know, we don't know what type of technology they have. Maybe they put on like

a fucking cloaking thing over the fucking first dog in space, made it appear on all of our systems like it was still in there and they just assumed that that was our first ambassador.

Just fucking sitting there licking their faces going, well, they're a friendly species. I always had this fear when I was younger, like if religion was real, like, oh, like, well, if there was a was younger like if religion was real like oh like well

if there was a god what if we're not like the animal because you see how the catholic church says oh animals don't have souls or if they were

like get up there and god's like no no no I made that that for the platypuses you guys just sort of got in the way a little bit maybe we don't

maybe there is another species out there platypi platypi platypuses platypuses platypussies platypussies platypussies maybe

just in the whole world like maybe god fucking did make us but maybe you know we're just a glorified animal maybe aliens will come down and they'll just have this

fucking big blue thing on their head and we'll go what's that and they go oh that's my soul and we go oh fuck

his is red I got one so we're not no we're absolutely not I'd love it if they came down and was like oh yeah no

there's a god and you just immediately have to go and start deleting some of your standouts just going through my Twitter first of all first of all

real real real ignorant of me just assuming they're gods first of all the omnipotent man has not already read that I just went better delete me tweets

or woman nah nah nah nah built in six days definitely a man everyone gets up there

and instantly starts trying to fucking put the bite on her I just don't think God's a woman because it's just I don't know God's a woman because it's just I don't know she wouldn't have

fucked it up I was trying to find out what the feminist angle was just be like because otherwise there wouldn't be any wars

I think that we should this is genuine just write help across the earth you know how if you're on a beach and there's like planes this is genuine, just write help across the earth. You know how if you're on a beach and there was planes going overhead, right? You would write help on the beach with stones

just so someone could look, even if they didn't use English fucking letters, they would see that there'd been some movement. I think we should do that across the earth, just write some fucking massive help across Russia. Or Canada. And then around the rest of it we're fine

because you just go to like just you know somewhere somewhere that you don't particularly like

you know you either go to fucking Russia or I don't know where else is bad news North Korea right some parts of America

don't really help but just like just a target just like a bunch of just a bunch of arrows pointing towards Florida. You know when shit's Florida? Did you just lump Florida in with Russia and North Korea? Aye, Trump can't train it.

Aye, but it's got raids. Do you know what? Oh, aye. Take it back. You know what? If North Korea had a fucking water park, which I'm sure it probably does. Does it?

Does North Korea have a water park? It does as probably does does it? does North Korea have a water park? it does I think it's only Kim Jong and gets to use it I reckon they tried to build

a theme park or something I'm sure of it this might have been something I imagined and then passed on as knowledge you should also point out

because obviously this is the first thing we've been on the podcast since this season since you deleted my hundredth episode. You can't... You don't get to do the fucking 100th episode of my podcast.

Well... Our podcast, whatever. Wow. Wow. For those new listeners, Elliot Seale, our guest here, is not a black woman. I am not a black woman. He is a white boy from London. Just in case, we've had a lot of people in America who upon googling you

were shocked to find out I've had to address it in my stand up now like I really have to like people with eyes still don't believe their eyes it took five and a half years in the stand up

like I had to go yeah I know I shouldn't have this voice so yeah I'm not a black person so Elliot done a spell

of co-hosting with me because obviously when me and Daniel are on the road we can't produce podcasts but we still do try to put them out as often as possible

and Elliot has jumped on and like kind of co-hosted with me and he comes across ridiculously thick so we set up these podcasts with the three of us on

where we quiz Elliot to find out if he really is thick or if he has yeah and also just you know he got annoyed at us for calling him thick on every podcast that he wasn't on with the three of us on where we quiz Elliot to find out if he really is thick or if he has... Yeah, and also just to... You know, he got annoyed at us for calling him thick

on every podcast that he wasn't on. So every now and again, we give him the opportunity to come on the podcast and prove that he's not thick by asking him a bunch of general questions. But I think what... I think it's like...

This one's got 18. I'll say if you get like... If you get... I mean, they're easy... If you get like 13 questions right, we'll stop how you think I know but you know I'm not gonna

I know but it's just it's nice to come on I mean the beauty of this is Elliot gets the point of it but half the time I don't know the answer to the question

but the thing is I'll admit to not knowing or at least try and come up with a logical thing Elliot just doubles down his commitment on how wrong he is well that's what I do

as a black man yeah that is right yeah okay Elliot right we've got 18 questions here cool let's do this commitment on how wrong he is. Well, that's what I do as a black man. This is right. Okay, Elliot. We've got 18 questions here. Cool, let's do this. Question number one. Who became the first female minister of the state

in British Parliament history in 1965? Who became the first female minister of the state in British Parliament history in 1965? A. Margaret Thatcher. Ooh. B, Theresa May. C, Barbara Castle.

So multiple choice. Are you giving them multiple choices? One of them is multiple. I think three of them are multiple choices. Yeah, because I like how he tries to figure it out. Go on.

Well, I've never heard of Barbara Castle. I know it's not Theresa May. Her sister is Windsor. Yeah, I'm going gonna go Maggie Thatcher cool it was Barbara Cust oh for fuck's sake

I knew that bitch was in there I knew it was Margaret Thatcher by process of elimination like fucking Theresa May is too current that's the fucking

red herring right Margaret Thatcher coming to power in like 1983 or something I think she had like a period of power before that but

like mathematically she would have been a child yeah but aren't you I think so no she was like

teens 20s because people are prime minister when they're like 50 or something yeah maybe she might have been

very young what's that Scottish Nicholas Sturgeon no no the other one Mary Black right. She might have been very young. What's that Scottish... Nicola Sturgeon? No, no, no. The other one. Mary Black. Mary Black. She would have been like Mary Black. That would have been very progressive for the 60s. Mary Black's a Scottish SMP chick and she's fucking great. She just doesn't really take much shit.

Also, we've had two female prime ministers. First of all, it's Margaret that was good. It's amazing that we had that. Also, she did a shite of a job. you know first of all it's good it's amazing that we had that but also she did a shite of a job and then also you've got the three of me and you're like

it's like I really feel fucking sympathy because women must be sitting there being like those are the two worst fucking

I think it's like many of her shit representations fucking Tony Blair and what not but we've also had a bunch of there's at least

been some decent she did a real good job of making salt of the earth working class people feeling like utter scum like and may she rest in peace

for that she took my milk she took my fucking all of the jobs in my fucking area like and then and then just

tell everybody fight for your lives if you've got anything about you you can get a decent job and then aye oh yeah but yeah what was it she had a milky snatch

yeah milky snatcher yeah yeah Margaret Thatcher milk snatcher she's just like she just got so old that she started

lactating she started dribbling down she lactated from a kid that's why they call her the milk snatcher okay anyway on average

which animal is faster a kangaroo or a zebra a zebra not a kangaroo oh for fuck's but but on average

yeah on average of what are they all but top speed but no yeah but what if

like how do they know that well they put them in a race well yeah but like how do they don't know all the zebras. That's why it's on average. They do, like, the average speed of a zebra compared to the average speed of a kangaroo.

I reject that question. I reject that. I think a zebra is faster. Because, honestly... Over what distance? I... Of what? Kangaroos are much faster.

No, no, no. Because if you're not seeing the ranks, what they do is, oh, oh what? Kangaroos are much faster. No, no, no, no. Because if you're not seeing them around, because what they do is they jump up, right? But when they walk, what they do is they lift their pouch up like it's a fucking old woman in a skirt, right? And then they just run on two legs properly fast, lifting it up. Just in the mouse eye.

That's what I'm in front of. They're lifting up the front of the frock. Just run away. It's like they're seeing a mouse. Ah! Zebras, zebras are lions. I mean, none of the documentaries are for this. It's the tiniest thing ever.

I've actually... Nah. Just that... A couple of them outrun lions. Aye. Aye, the ones that... Because they're not going to catch the one at the back and then keep chasing them.

He's just, I want the good stuff. All the dudes outrun the slowest zebra. Aye. Because they're far off. You You should see them as like... But hey, when have you ever seen a lion take down a kangaroo? Well,

you see, this is, I've wanted to make a show for a while. I know it wouldn't happen because of like, vegans and whatnot. But, I really think there'd be money in a show

just called Animal Fights where you like, pitch like a great white, there's like an arena and like a great white has to fight like a Bengal tiger. There's a real fucking flaw

in that plan with that matchup. No, but it's like shallow enough water for the tiger to be cool but there's a great white

But that means it would be too shallow for the great white. No, no. Right. If the Coliseum right, if there was a fucking

Coliseum in fucking London right and everyone on it had either signed up they were like I fully consent to I want to be in the fucking Coliseum

I want to be a gladiator I want to do all the fucking shit or it's like people who are like criminals being like I want to take 50 years Pino fights that's what they should do

make Pino fights we'll just put some so I mean I think I don't really think you can give the Pinos a chance to get back out. No, no, no.

With robbers, like my stance on robbers is if you rob somewhere, you go to jail, and then you beat a lion to death, you know what? In fact, you know what? Now that I think about it, maybe you're not back in the streets. We've just been training you. That's a terrible idea. No, you do have to die in there. I'd see a flaw in my plan immediately.

So you're saying in this instance, a Peedo would go in there. I'd say I'd blow up my pants immediately. So you're saying, like, in this instance, a pedo would go in to fight a lion to see if he could get freedom and then win. That is the last pedo you want on the street. That is the apex predator.

That is the king of the beasts. But is that it? And the same thing, actually, the more I think about it, the same goes for fucking margaras, right? See if you fucking put a margarar in there with, like, a bit, like, let's say he's killed two people.

That's got the chops to kill a bear. And you're like, nah, you don't get back out in the streets like, but you know what? Tax fraud. Like, if you're a fucking wee nerd, right? And you're sitting there with your pen as mightier than the sword shit. But then when he gets mauled, you'll just be like, oh, he only cooked the books. But would you actually I don't think this penal system

has any groans right okay I'll take the penal system as a matter of fact but let's just say you're saying you want to watch people fight lions no would you

right if there was if there was like fucking sign up and it was just the British government like fuck it you know

it's a good source of fucking income everyone in it signed up to it like it's maybe people who've got like diseases like fuck it

this is how I want to go on a god damn someone has a common code and they're just throwing it somebody sneezes

and you sign them up and just get some cover their mouth and get some pack of hyenas the hypothetical qualifiers on this are just making us

look way more barbaric they're trying to do it as if to say like oh that's because you just enjoy watching it there's definitely a reason why it's happening they're making it

much worse take the caveats off you know what if it was happening I couldn't not look I couldn't not watch like I feel like I'd be far too intrigued

no that wasn't my question my question was would you pay for fucking floor seats or nosebleed seats like how because I reckon that'd be how I reckon it would be a season ticket

it would be such a fucking quandary that like you know it's wrong but like if it's happening anyway you want to watch it but it's only happening anyway

because people like you are buying tickets it's basically the fucking vegan argument do you reckon it would be like UFC like you're set up

to five in the morning and you're there going like oh it's gonna be a good one tonight everyone in it was like I'm of sound mind right You're set up to five in the morning and you're there going like, oh, it's going to be a good one tonight. Everyone in it was like, I'm of sound mind, right?

I genuinely just want to, I'm into this and I want to fucking... I know you were going to hell, but you'd watch. I'd absolutely fucking watch. Man, I've seen how funny fucking football chants are. Imagine the fucking... Man, because obviously, the second you set up a fucking coliseum here, that's pretty fucking good

man there's going to be lower leagues oh you've got conference you've got Sunday leagues Sunday league coliseum people just fighting

shrews fucking one of them turns up with a cannon and all the shrews and you're like ah go on this is how I think it would go for me right

I would like you'd be like wrestlers you've got personality I'd be swept up in it right I'd be like oh there's a dude fighting a fucking

Bengal tiger tonight at the thing right and then I'd just go and I'd watch the guy get mauled to death get his head ripped off and they have to contain the tiger

and I'd just walk away quietly from the coliseum going ah I didn't like that because the reason I know this is because we went to the UFC

in Vegas and watched Anderson Silva fight against Chris Weidman. And Chris Weidman checked that leg kick and his leg snapped and wrapped around his leg. And we just went, wow. We saw Anderson Silva kick himself in his left knee with his left foot. That's how much this fucking leg snapped.

That injury. I mean, like when I showed you the Frank Mir, Kamara armbar on Minnetonka Guerra. I immediately... and you looked away you were like nah like that is like literally

stubborn at all compared to what you would see in that kind of coliseum I reckon you'd go in and it's like

oh it's a man fighting a lion and then you'd have PTSD and you'd cry like a little bitch I reckon like yeah

I'll be honest with you sometimes when I floss my teeth and I see blood I'm like oh no what world am I you sometimes when I floss my teeth and I see blood I'm like oh no what world am I going to be able to watch a fucking chaplain

go through some cunt's neck aye nah do you know do you know what people would moan about the most they'll go to that connoisseur and be like

oh about six quid a pint though sorry plastic cups I mean they're stale they're stale I'm going to put a glass in them alright next question so how many have I got plastic cups I mean it's I'm going to put a glass in them alright next question

so how many have I got I've got none right I've got none right two questions in hospitals nephrology departments generally treat

medical issues related to which organs of the body nephrology is it the liver oh it's very very it's kidneys

oh well I just I just went for a huge guess there but oh that was in the ballpark Is it the liver? Oh, it's very, very close. Kidneys. Oh, well I just went for a huge guess there. Oh, that was in the ballpark. I'll give you a hint. Elliot, I don't know the answer to this, right, but I'm going to just give you a chance to try and explain it away. Like, teach me. What's the difference between a liver and a kidney? A kidney's in more the back and a liver's more the front. Oh, no, I mean, I know the liver's like the big one and the kidneys are two smaller ones right but what what's the function i think

the liver like helps you pump water and shit around your body and stuff like i think i think it's like a bit more of like it deals with the fluids and the liver is like it repairs itself that's why if you go sober your liver will repair it so they both liver yeah that was both liver that was both liver specify you just both liver. You didn't specify. You just compared the liver to the liver and gave them two different explanations. No, did I? Yeah. All right.

Well, choose one of them to be kidneys. That was your question. That was your question. That is exactly why I asked. Just take your pick. No, I think kidneys helps you pump water or some shit. It deals with the toxology of the blood. I'd fall for that. Yeah, I think so.

I think it's a chemical filter for the fluids. You see when you're on MDMA and you can't piss. So you see how people overhydrate on MDMAs because you don't sweat out water. You're sweating out your salt content because the kidneys is it fucks with your kidneys so your body isn't pushing around as much water so that's why that girl over hydrated

on MDMA that one not over hydrated she over hydrated yeah yeah yeah this is called Probably Wrong by Elliot Steele

where me and Danny don't know where me and Danny also don't know the answer so just let him run away with his version of the truth this is just like

most of my conversations it's just going to lead back to the time I go I was on MDMA one time and I think I figured something out I'll give you

I'll give you I'll give you a half point you don't get any bonus points for knowing the you get it for bullshit and with confidence sorry

thank you which as of 2015 is the largest city in the Americas Mexico City no Sao Paulo oh fuck off

it's Mexico City it's not that's the biggest place in the world Mexico City? No, Sao Paulo. Oh, fuck off. It's Mexico City. It's not. That's the biggest place in the world. No, Mexico City is the biggest place in the world. Apart from Russia. Is that even the biggest place on its continent? Yeah. Please, please, you've got to...

You don't even mean city. You thought it was the biggest place. No, no, no. You thought it was the biggest... I think it's compared to Russia. And then apart from Russia. But it's bigger than China. That's why you had...

How big's Sao Paulo? How big's RuPaul? Oh, it's a piece of string. Well, you know, as long as Mexico City, isn't it? I don't know. I've not read it. I'm sure it's Mexico City. Mexico City is one of the biggest cities in the world.

Well, according to this one, it's... Mexico City is in the Americas, right? Why? Yeah. It's Central America. It's Central America. Oh, so... There we go.

See, smartness. Yeah, see? Knowledge. Right, we're going abroad. Which lake holds by far the largest volume of water in the UK? Look, I only know one lake in the UK. Name it. South Norwood Lakes by my house.

South Norwood Lakes. I don't know. So you don't know of Lake Windermere, Loch Ness? You don't know any? Is Loch Ness a lake? What do you think loch means? I thought it was a loch. I thought it was just called a loch.

No, it's Scottish for lake. Well, that's you lot's fault for having a different language and deciding to use it was a lock. I thought it was just called a lock. No, it's Scottish for lake. Well, that's you lot's fault for having a different language and deciding to use it at certain times. Hold on a minute, like, what do you think the difference between a lake and a lock was? Um, I never gave it much thought. Give us a thought now, like, what did you think? I just thought like a lock was, I don't know, I thought like it would just be in a certain shape and then it would like have a, I don't know, it might be in a lock shape. A lock shape a lock

you thought it was coincidentally all the lakes in Scotland one shape of padlocks well you might it might lock itself in or something yeah yeah

isn't the lock just down by the keys well that's what Lake is it's landlocked no Lake is it it's landlocked it's like yeah

and that's why it's called a lock landlocked is it no I mean potentially it's why it's called a lock landlocked is it no you're a quiz master I mean potentially it's not

it's loch but it's potentially lake that's probably how you'd say a lock no no it's Scouse is it not South North Lake

it's Scouse it's Scouse for lake right but is it not South North Lakes no no the answer is Loch Ness oh okay

well I didn't know any of the UK lakes by question by question number 5 you were on point 5 so that's a No, no, the answer is Loch Ness. Oh, okay. Well, I didn't know any of the UK lakes. By question number five, you were on 0.5. That's a 10% chance. We wouldn't be in it anymore. The question is, like... I think we're all a little bit thick, right? But you are flamboyantly thick.

Aye. You're thick with a passion. I think you are to the thick community what think you are to the thick community what cat people are to the

gay community like oh gay but god could you stop walking down the street

we get it you're thick honestly you give the rest of us a bad name do you have to stress

like that I did do you know what I found out the other day my GCSEs don't count anymore The rest was a bad name. Do you have to stress like that? I did. Do you know what I found out the other day? My GCSEs don't count anymore. What? You're fucking kidding me. You turned down for a game because you're never in French. I don't send a clip.

I just send what I got in religious studies. The M1 Morway is how many miles long? 200. Well, you'll find out is how many miles long? 200. Oh, well, you'll find out. I'll give you another one.

It's 183. That was pretty close. That's, well, yeah, I'm not, that's a tricky

question. I'll give you a full point. It's within. Where does it go between? London and Leeds.

Yeah. Normally, it's quite a common trick question. How long does the M1 people think

the answer's in the name? They're like, one mile. Because it's Moraway 1, how long does the M1 people think the answer's in the name they're like one mile because it's motorway one isn't it that's how I'm always people at the M1 and the M6 were classed as cities because the population density

twice a day during rush hour so they had to get a mare and be classified as cities and people buy that shit oh yeah I've heard of that like a true lie I had what was it

because the reason I know that or know about the M1 a bit is because I failed my theory test so many times like my driving that question wouldn't come up yeah they ask you

they ask you about motorways and like on the M1 and like closures and shit now yeah it's amazing like I was laughing at Colin the other day he's 28 I mean you're 22

it's starting to get less forgivable like you just don't drive like what dude it's amazing. I was laughing at Colin the other day. He's 28. I mean, you're 22. It's starting to get less forgivable. You just don't drive? Dude, it's that fucking theory test. You're like comedians? It's that fucking, I get in there and I panic. And it's like asking me questions. And I'm like, look, man, I'm not going to hit a kid with a car. What more do you want?

To be fair, if you can't fucking handle the pressure of being sat in front of a laptop with multiple choice questions, you shouldn't be put in front of a laptop with multiple choice questions, you shouldn't be put in front of a steering wheel. I'm a decent driver. You've got to be wearing multiple choices when you're driving.

A decent driver. You're going to be looking at the kids in the middle of the road seeing them as a multiple choice question. You're like, oh fuck, which one's the least important?

I don't have to do a test to like fucking walk. Why do I have to do a test to drive? Because you're not going to wag into a school as you would. Wag into a school. drive because you're not going to wagon to school wagon to school

yeah it just seems a bit like crazy to me now that adults opt not to drive

it's like there's such a fucking huge resource there it's like going internet

not for me. It's like, I honestly say like the roads and the internet is two just fucking valuable things that people need in their life. Which is why I always surf the web while I'm driving. I say this while not having a car. But you can drive, but how many times did you do the theory test? Once. I've done the theory test once.

Right. It's literally something you're going to learn all night. Technically, I've done it once, one time and twice I haven't shown up. Great. Did you get fucking lost? No, I woke up one day and I just went, nah, I'm not doing that.

I just went, I'm not going to do a test I'm not doing it I did my theory test when I was 17 right and I studied on the fucking bus on the way to work right it was so much easier back in your day though

it was still multiple choice it still had the same same knowledge this is one of the very few points where I agree with Elliot I do reckon it's one of those things where it does get hard

because back in the day the way fucking like the fucking test the test in 1920 was like right what does the right pedal do go what does the left pedal do It's one of those things where it does get hard. Because back in the day, the fucking, like, the fucking test, the test in 1920 was like, right, what does the right pedal do? Go. What does the left pedal do?

Stop it. Congratulate. It's like the American driving test. It's, if you, the American driving compared to the British driving test is appalling. Like, Americans, and look, I know there'll be Americans listening to this podcast

being like, oh, LA drivers are the worst, but us in the fucking Midwest, we're the best drivers. You all are the worst fucking drivers in the world. None of you can drive small cars for shit. All your cars are massive. All your roads are massive

because you're all thick as shit and you can't fucking control it. You've all got cruise control, which kills most of you because you don't understand that it's not a self-driving fucking car. You're an appalling, appalling ass piece of shit driver.

If you're the best driver in America, you're still the worst driver in Britain, right? You can't drive a stick you've got no I love you I don't love you all I love about 30% of you but 100% of the Americans

that listen to the podcast I love you you're the worst drivers on the fucking planet America sounds great honestly honestly I would rather

fuck it I would rather drive in India than I would fucking drive in LA just seeing the way some of you cunts drive. So yeah, what I'm getting at is, yes, it may have been slightly easier when I did it,

but I was also a 17-year-old chav. Yeah. And I still had the capacity for it. You're a fucking grown man. You know, I failed by one mark and it just broke me. It just broke me. And I know a question I got wrong. I just fucked it up. And I failed by one mark, and it just broke me. It just broke me, and I know a question I got wrong.

I just fucked it up, and I failed by one mark, and I was so upset. It's like, I remember the last time I did a comedy competition. I did well, and I didn't win, and I went, I'm never putting myself through that again. And we did theory tests. It was like I was back in an exam, and the panic and the anxiety hit me, and they're like, oh, fuck, I've not really studied. I should be trying harder. Elliot, have a banana.

Yeah, mate mate I see I'm like yeah can I do the driving test sit in your fucking safe space leave the driving to the grown ups fuck I forgot to come in sorry I forgot to go into Barry's office no sorry that's it

not a euphemism what is my middle name Jamie yeah which middle eastern city is also the name of a type of artichoke a what

which middle eastern city shares the same name as a type of artichoke what's an artichoke? it's like a fucking it's like one of these almost spiky vegetables is it

a middle eastern city? aye is there one called like leek you think leeks are spiky? do you think leeks are the type of artichoke?

when have you seen a spiky leak? Are they a type of art joke? No, they're the type of leaks. Oh. They're going to the Onion family. Oh. I don't know. Is it Bethlehem?

It's Jerusalem. Hang on. I might be thick here is Jerusalem Bethlehem like just a renamed place is it not no you're being thick where's Bethlehem again

Bethlehem's oh keep quiet is it in Libya no is it it's in Israel it's in Israel isn't it

Bethlehem's in Israel oh keep quiet or if we're to call it by it's real name Palestine because the Middle Eastern countries Or if we were to call it by its real name, Palestine. The Middle Eastern countries since the fucking 1920s are just like, it was literally there. I wish I could remember the names of the two generals.

There was a French and an English general that just fucking just shared the countries out on a map, like drew lines on a map, but didn't take geographical borders into consideration and just like divvied it up. So like that's why there's so much turmoil in the middle of it it's a Palestinian city in Israel

yes see do I get a point for that oh god I've done it again what gone yeah yeah for some

reason I'm obviously using the wrong fucking web browser Danny's like up and down of Google no I didn't

it was a pure accident like I've opened up my wrong web internet explorer which is a fucking traffic scene itself instead of chrome right and it's just go to his bing and man fucking hell when I didn't it was a pure accident I've opened up my wrong way I've got Internet Explorer which is a fucking traffic jam itself

instead of Chrome right and it's just go to his Bing and man fucking hell when you use anything other than Google

the grass is not greener on the other side the grass is fucking hot coals of shite it's fucking appalling everything you type is a Google work it's just

it's a big work like when I Googled Bethlehem in there apparently there's a Bethlehem in Northampton right that was the first one that came up I was like do you want to I googled Bethlehem in there, apparently there's a Bethlehem in Northampton. What? That was the first one that came up. I was like, do you want to know the word Bethlehem?

I was like, no. No. The nearest Bethlehem to you. Bethlehem, Mississippi, America. No. The Bethlehem. You know the Bethlehem? It's just fucking one cunt in an office running around on Google Maps being like,

turn left, turn left. What is dermatophobia? Dermatophobia. cunt in an office running around on Google Maps being like turn left I'm like what is dermatophobia dermatophobia is it a fear of teeth no dermatology you think it's a fear of teeth

well dermatology is to do with the mouth isn't it it's to do with the skin that's dentistry fuck I'm like you know as you said

that question as well I was like I'm about to know as you said that question as well I was like I'm about to surprise these listeners with this I'm going I'm going to give it I'm going to give it

I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it

I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it

I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it

I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it

I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it

I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I'm going to give it I about that no I've honestly thought I knew that so what's it there skin disease dermatophobia is a fear

of skin disease fear of skin disease skin is the largest organ did you know that skin is the

biggest organ on your body yes everybody knows that might be the biggest on you

my dick's the biggest on my neck it's not since I've been circumcised okay you get three words of mine it's nothing to have been circumcised okay you get

three words to spell oh no this is funny because you're dyslexic oh my god spell symphony

S yes Y M P this is where this is where it gets difficult

yeah T H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H M P This is where This is where it gets difficult Yeah T Are you doing this on purpose? T-H-O-N-Y No T-H Oh And you've got the P

Oh That's like That's like spelling going Alright Spelling Q E You always know what follows that

Hold on Symphony Symphony Symphony No but he's spelling it symphony symphony symphony

yes ah enjoyed that alright no spell ladle l-a-d-e-l

no l-a-d-l-e oh you motherfuckers I was close damn it autocorrect would have sorted it out for me. Then explain every text you've ever sent.

Spell carriage. I'm rooting for you. God, you know how it starts, right? C-A-R-R... C-A-R-R-I-A-G-E He didn't miscarriage Despite the fact that he should have been one What is the art of stuffing animals for preservation called?

You know this Paxadermy. Yeah. Fucking yes. I'm on a roll here. How many do I get for the spelling ones? One. Oh.

Right. Roughly, what proportion of their DNA do humans and chimpanzees share? 72%. I'm going to go with it and say somewhere near a 97. 98.5. But if you say 72, you're falling two thirds.

You're actually like fucking next. Because they've got 98%. 98.5, oh. Well, that's,

that's, I don't think that's true because, right, okay. Yeah, take that science. Well,

it's just like, why, if I add like 1.5% more DNA into a chimp, it suddenly turns human. No, you're now turning into an evangelical Christian who does not understand what evolution is. But like, well, if evolution's real, why are there still monkeys?

It's like, right, if tomato sauce is real, why are there still tomatoes, you daft cunt? Like, it's like right if tomato sauce is real why are there still tomatoes you daft cunt like it's a it's a very different thing well because you know I just I just don't

alright no I'm not going to understand that and I never will sometimes in life you've just got to accept you're not you're not meant to be the person to understand certain things

so you think we're three quarters primate what do you think the other quarter is human right so we're only one quarter human the only difference we're not even we're not one quarter human the only difference

we're not even we're not even more than half human we're largely chimpanzee more than a big human on the weekends

well like there was a chimpanzee and it fucked a homo sapien and then they had human so basically my dad

is fucking slitting his wrists so this is how I gather it I'm at the risk of

fucking sounding more stupid now but so we are 97% the DNA

of chimps right so the 98.5% so the 1.5% that's different is the

mutations that's changed over like every birth every generation has like a slight mutation of DNA, which will be like that will become more upright.

Like while hips bend in, the birth canal shortens, the heads get bigger. These are like slight mutations on the model, right? But you think we've developed 25%, like a quarter of our thing has mutated since being chimps. That's what you're suggesting. What I was, I remember learning in science, yeah,

like the, about evolution and natural selection that, uh, we, we, we, we've got things in common with them. We come from the same ancestor,

is it not? Yeah, yeah. But we, so that's why we, we ain't chimps. Yeah. Because we,

we come from the same ancestor, but could, could we fuck a chimp and have a baby with it? No, we couldn't because, uh, I think the same way, I think the same way, like a wolf couldn't fuck aimp and have a baby with it no we couldn't because I think the same way like a wolf

couldn't fuck a fox and have a baby why can't why does nature or could it why does nature lions and tigers create

lions and tigers zebras and horses lions and tigers create like a mutated baby that can't reproduce

and doesn't stop growing. So, because you see, it's kind of like, it's kind of mad how like nature does that thing where it's like PS4 and Xbox are like,

no, you can't cross play. So, and like nature does one where it's like, you're not allowed to like fuck an alligator and have like a human alligator.

Hi, it's copywriter. It's absolutely copywriter. I didn't love that. It's just like God's a dick he's like nah nah

no cross black can't go play with my mates and to be fair like you know what thank God thank God

DNA doesn't work like that imagine just like imagine like whatever you fucked you did fucking reproduce you'd have people

laying eggs and shit it would be creepy it'd be weird or would it be like or would fucked, you did fucking reproduce. You'd have people laying eggs and shit. It would be creepy. It'd just be weird. Or would it be like, or would it, do you reckon it would help fucking get rid of like racism? Because if like,

let's say you just fucking went out and like shagged a bear. Fucking first of all, respect, right? Second of all, it gives birth to like a fucking bear-human hybrid. But enough to the fact that-

Hi, Nick Cody. Imagine, yeah, that's's instead of the Coliseum but there would be so many different breeds of things and then those breeds would start breeding with other ones

over years I don't think there would be too many things to be racist about well that's what I that's what I think with race I think like

because we're still in very early stages of integration like it probably won't be too long before, like, there's, like, a real homogenous race of people. Oh, man, we're all going to eventually,

the human race is going to be a milky tea one day. Yeah, like, when you speak to a lot of Americans, like, they come from a lot of different heritage and backgrounds and stuff like that, right? Like, I think it's way more there. But, like, eventually when the world starts becoming, you'd still get, still get pedigree people that are stuck

to their own well first of all don't call them pedigree call them I don't know there would still be a master pure race hanging around

with the rest of the mudbloods it still would be you know if Native Americans just stayed to Native Americans then you would end up

being a pedigree Native American in the same way as if we were white black Africans you would still get that but the majority of people would be

cross platform aye and if we were to cross be with fucking animals eventually at the point where you know we're always sitting there

going in the future you know we'll all just be like a milky tea colour because we'll have like bred so much with each other that we'll all just eventually have the same skin colour

if you bring animals into that what fucked up thing are we looking like the platypus it comes full circle the platypus it's the fucking

it's the platypus I was talking singly oh no alright yeah you're correct you're correct we have three more questions oh no

wait one two three four questions okay here we go, two, three, four questions which side of the brain would be mostly used to evaluate whether a new wardrobe fits into the space available in a bedroom

so when you're buying a wardrobe for a bedroom, you've got two halves of your brain they've two very different functions what side of the brain would be used to evaluate whether the wardrobe would fit in a room um i'm gonna go i'm gonna go the side side b left or right oh right yes the right brain is like cognitive is uh i mean i'm not smart for knowing this because i only

know it from both yeah yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. Left brain is the creative side of the brain. The right side is the logical side of the brain. Have you heard this thing yet that like your stomach might be the brain? I mean, it's not, but continue. I mean, it does explain a lot of my friends. So in that you see, we like, I've always thought the brain is where we think. The brain is like the thinking

like it's our it's our you know whatever this is wonderful it is that the brain does it might be the stomach

that be what the brain does it's what in what in what world why would that be true because I heard it but you understand that we've done like

lots of scans with lots of brains and when you ask questions it shows you where their lifetime before it's that's why you

know when people shoot themselves in the head for suicide that's because that's the cause of all of their trouble all of their depression

all of their fucking bad shit right so nobody just fucking cocks a gun and punches it in the stomach and this is

this is this is where this is where science needs to think a bit more outside the box yeah what if

fucking that is the most I think that's the most effective thing you can say to a scientist aye if you could all

stop being weighed down with your facts and your evidence and just have a little bit of creativity maybe the world would be a more interesting place. Children are the best scientists

because they don't comply to your norms. Well, it's just like, how many times have, if you look back at science like 300 years ago, they got a lot wrong. Yes. A lot wrong. They did.

The tri-chip. So we're going to look back in 300 years time and be like, what the fuck were they doing thinking the earth was round? But if it was... Okay, right.

Just based on your theory that the stomach is the brain, surely then the growing of the stomach would make you more intelligent. No, no, no. Because it's like it's look

look like it's the way and also you don't empty your fucking brain and how come like if your stomach should be at no point

like at the end of the fucking day does the back of my brain and fucking and everything along just get fucking shot out there I get scared

when I think about it and how come if you get a tumour in your stomach you get like severe cramps and shit blood but if you get a tumour

in your brain you can get personality disorders. Do you not think if the brain was doing a thing, it would be the other way around? Yeah, well, do you know what? I'm sure science has got it right this time. Okay, what is the third most common gas in the Earth's atmosphere after nitrogen and oxygen? Carbon dioxide.

That's two chemicals combined together. Yeah, and it makes one. Right. Nitrogen, nitrogen, nitrogen. After nitrogen and oxygen. How did you get the question? Did you see Alvin? I said... Common gas.

Common gas, okay. You know what? I said common gas. Common gas, okay. Common gas. You know what? I think it's still a gas, even though it's a compound. Even though it's a compound. It's a compound gas. Isn't water in there?

It's just not thick enough to be water yet. See, what? You're going to look again. I'm not going to repeat it because I've never received that look of you. It's like I've discovered a new facial expression. Can you just say that again, but slower? Like, water's in the air,

but it just ain't in its final stage of evolution. Have you in your 22 years ever seen rain? Fuck, yeah, you see, but I'm not wrong. Right, the answer was Argon. I've never, like, that's a Lord of the Rings character. I'm not having that. I'm not having that. He's just fucking just strider hanging around in the air.

All right, you've got two more questions. Okay. How many earlobes does Kai have? None. he's just fucking just strider hanging around in the air alright you've got two more questions okay how many earlobes does Kai have none correct it's an

evolutionary mystery final question what did that mouth do what what did that mouth do anything you want it to baby yeah

so your total answer to the questions was I said I'm getting a drink of water because I'm going to die so we said we said

if it's not thick enough to be water yeah you're thick enough to turn it into water and please may I get some water so we agreed that if you got 14 you weren't you know what I would have taken it that dimension thick enough to turn it into water. And please marry us, Morty. So we agreed that if you got 14, you weren't, you know what, I would have taken it down to a bunch of them,

because I will, I'll be honest and say, some of those questions, I didn't, I wasn't as thorough with that one, I wanted to find more simple questions. It's what I say with this, with this, with this podcast that we're,

this series of podcasts that we're doing with Elliot, it's not to prove he's thick, because, of course he's thick, and so are we, on this scheme of things, we're fucking dummies, man. I can't believe people listen to us. Elliot it's not to prove he's thick because of course he's thick and so are we on this scheme of things we're fucking dummies man

I can't believe people listen to us but it's how like I said it's how emphatically thick he is it's how like

how much he commits he's thick he's thick he's thick flare thick flare thick flare

woo every time we get a question woo let me in I think it's important to just be curious. Oh my God. No, but could you, no, no,

being curious actually involves searching the answers to the question. Yeah. And then, and then anyone can go to I'm right.com and fucking look up what they want to hear. Right. So, so, why? Like, you can find anything on the internet to back your argument. Sometimes you're like, if a computer program watched a bunch of George Carlin sex,

it's just trying to say profound things. But in turn, I'm like, if science would just think outside the box there's part of you it sounds profound you go oh no no that's just thick no no no

now that I've made it more than two seconds of thought but like what's nice as well is like you'll say something like that that's like

not even pseudo profound it's like parody profound you'll have this like smug look on your face like you've nailed it oh wait we are at risk of doing it over one hour on this podcast so let's let's let's wrap

this up by rinsing your dad you got eight you got eight questions right so we still you you you didn't answer enough questions for us to not do this again oh

one day one day you'll get all the questions you us to not do this again one day one day you'll get all the questions you're going to do this test more names than you're driving theories do you have anything to plug um fucking probably um

shit yeah I've got his twitter handle is Elliot Steel Com and say that's for communism not comedy no

um is Elliot Steel Com go on my facebook I've got it got it on my Facebook I've got videos and shit on there man and I'm doing a preview at

Top Secret Comedy Club on Sunday the 30th of December so nobody should be I don't know

just do the listeners who have never seen Elliot's he might be thick as shit but he is a very very good

comedian so I'm really my time is spent working on comedy and not reading and shit that's the problem and I've got something to plug I'm going on time is spent working on comedy and not reading and shit that's the problem and I've got something

to plug I'm going on my honeymoon oh alright if anyone wants to come I'll come I'm going to Cape Town another lads holiday yeah

two died lads holiday I'm going to Cape Town I've actually I've just read Nelson Mandela's Long Walk to Freedom and I'm going to go to Robben Island and just stay

in a five star resort just to see what he went through and just go you think you werestar resort. Just to see what you went through. And just go, you think you were tied down? I've just got married. 27 years,

this is too deaf to us part. You've got to pop those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers. I'm going to Cape Town, I'm going to visit Table Mountain, go on a safari and shit like that. Table Mountain? Tabletop Mountain. What's that? It's the mountain off there. I'm sure it Cape Town I'm going to fucking visit Table Mountain go on a safari and shit like that Table Mountain? Table Top Mountain what's that?

it's the mountain off there I'm sure it's the mountain off the Close Encounter the cane no no Table Mountain go fuck yourself no it's not

that's in the Midwest of America and you're in Johannesburg I mean if you notice I'm sure it's the I put like a little bit of unknowing to my lack of knowledge but is it not?

but yeah Table Mountain's like in National Park in South Africa we've got tour dates that have gone on sale and they're available

on my website dinosaurs.com work at yourself and then I'm going to Mauritius if anyone wants to come for a second about me holding this

right Elliot your dad signed his wedding contract with a light pencil Elliot your dad recently his wedding contract with a light pencil Elliot your dad recently started ejaculating

blood and he thinks it's pretty Kai your dad sits under the Christmas tree and tries to knock the booboos up

oh Kai that's interesting because your dad's also halfway up the Christmas tree as we speak tucking into a Christmas pie

Danny your dad says milk in two when he's asked for a limb sip or halfway up the Christmas tree as we speak, tucking into our Christmas pie. Danny, your dad says milk in two when he asked for a limb sip. Danny, your dad applies the phrase shaken, not stirred, to everything and now he's no longer

allowed to hold babies. Elliot, your dad has extra skin on the back of his neck so that your mum can carry him round in her mouth. It's because her dad was a tiger good one

oh fair she's a cougar that's me Elliot your dad's scared of squirrels and whenever you see him running in the park

he actually went out for a walk Kai your dad sits at the back of the bus playing this podcast on loudspeaker and he's the bus driver

Kai your dad is trying to back of the bus playing this podcast on loudspeaker and he's the bus driver. Kai, your dad is trying to learn how to kickflip. Elliot, I keep dating you. I've done enough to Martin. Elliot, your dad walks 10 miles for water with a pot on his head but it's actually a round trip and he just gets it from the kitchen tap when he gets back.

Elliot, your dad steals the metal dusties off of wheelchairs. Danny, your dad isn't allowed on Red Dead after he uploaded videos of him molotoving suffragettes to YouTube. Danny, every time I hug your dad I rub his back until he burps. Kyle, your dad leaves a sorry you weren't in sticker at each of his advent calendar doors.

Kai, your dad soaks when cats don't let him stroke them. Well, Elliot, every time I want your dad to get to sleep, I throw a blanket over his cage. Kai, your dad has to take dick pics in landscape mode because of his incredibly wide shoulder Sloss your dad's twitter bio reads as heard on Sloss and Humphreys on a road for bookings please contact Leslie Sloss at guestslossproductions.com Daniel when your dad worked for the fire brigade

he used to always bring in a note off his mam saying he's not allowed to get wet your dad got hung by the fire brigade he used to always bring in a note off his mam saying he's not allowed to get wet your dad got hung by the fire brigade to make them noise Kai your dad goes camping in the back garden

he doesn't fall too far from the tree he keeps hitting his tent well that was a podcast you've been an audience goodnight Seattle