Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.2 First Kiss

Episode Date: October 4, 2018

Daniel and Kai reminisce about cringeworthy first crushes from back in the day when they were slaying it with school girls. Once again they tackle another listener email from someone seeking grossly underqualified advice and guidance. (To email Muggins and Cream for any kind of advice or to settle an argument click the button on the facebook page which is named after this podcast) 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream And that's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

What is up, cunts? Welcome back to Sloss and Humphries on the Road. I'm Daniel Sloss, a.k.a. Cream. And I'm Muggins, a.k.a. Clive Humphries. A.k.a. Pickles. Fuck off! This is somebody pointed out on Twitter that me calling you Pickles is this year's version of

Are We In The Same Seats? So I got a full run of this on tour. It's fucking horrible. on Twitter that me calling you pickles is this year's version of are we in the same seats so I get a full run of this on tour it's fucking horrible because to this day I still get people coming up to me saying are we in the same seats

and I'm not allowed to punch them because because they're strangers and fans and you know what I love my fans I was going to make

asking you every day just before you go on is this was Dave Longley's idea is is this show that you're about to do the same show that you did on is this was Dave Longley's idea is is this show that you're about to do the same show that you did on Netflix

yeah because that's annoying you already and I thought if I asked you that because if I made it a common thing on Snapchat and you dreaded it and hated it

and it happened that means occasionally a punter would come up and ask you yeah yeah genuinely and I'd snap and think they listened to the podcast yeah and they won't be

they won't be doing it from the Instagram stories. They'll just be asking you generally. And you'll just fucking... Hulk out. That's what the Hulk does. I famously are. Bruce Banner stubs his toe.

I wonder what the smallest thing Bruce Banner ever hulked out over. Like, legitimately, obviously, like, occasionally he got, like, punched in the face or, like, there'd be a war, like, Trump says something and he hulked out. But, like, is you get like punched in the face or like there'd be a war or like Trump says something and you hulked out but like is there was there ever a time

he couldn't go through customs he'd kind of take a flight that fucking cunt today at Oslo airport it was so bad it made us happy it slowed me down but it was worth it

it's the first time I've ever audibly criticised someone so that they could hear I laughed at his face I did running commentary of this fucking cunt. I laughed and pointed. That he brought his full toiletries bag.

Like full. On carry on. Leet a can of shaving foam. Just. It was like his whole luggage was just toiletries. Like way over 100 mil. Just fucking sat up and been like, have you never been on an airplane before? You stupid fucking prick

it's unbelievable you had that many fluids I was actually worried that he may be making a bomb this is if anyone works at an airport can you start doing a like frequent flyers

is a thing that I don't do because I sleep on planes so who gives a shit right and it blows people's minds they're like why don't you get frequent flyers I'm like who cares

like I don't need to fly like a rich person it's not maybe I will in the future but then I'll just be rich and I'll buy it anyway I don't need to fly like a rich person it's not maybe I will in the future but then I'll just be rich and I'll buy it anyway I don't need

to be able to flash like a stove like 10 15 boarding passes every single time you go through an airport you get a

fucking little stamp on a card and there should be a different part of the airport they go right this is where you go through customs because you're going

to do it much faster than all of these fucking morons people going through with their belts still on going through with their guns not holstered properly yeah the kids they've kidnapped on clearly level swag these fucking morons. People going through with their belts still on, going through with their guns

not holstered properly. Yeah. The kids they've kidnapped on Clearly Lists. Little swag switched off. When you're stealing a child, you put tape over their mouth. Otherwise,

they make a scene. It's obvious. Stop hitting the desk. That's not a desk, that's a windowsill. It's one of my pet... They didn't know that fucking snitched.

It's one of my pet peeves. Yeah, so anyway... If I ever get a pet, I'm going to call pet peeve yeah so anyway if I ever get a pet I'm going to call it peeve which one it's my pet peeve I didn't enjoy that at all what's your other pet peeve

people ask me that question we're in Stavanger we are Stavanger Stavanger Stavanger it's in Norway yes it is

we're staying in Norway for a little bit now we've just done Oslo and we've got Bergen next and oh my deez it costs a lot of money to eat food

oh I fucking hell the food everything in Norway is very expensive and that's because they get paid a million pounds an hour so like it just

it makes sense I don't know why Norwegian people still live in Norway don't get me wrong it's an absolutely beautiful country and everything's beautiful

but surely you just save up here for like 10 years and then move to fucking Poland and just become the king of Poland. Yeah. So we were... Yeah, you could do, couldn't you? We were still the badgers. Or you could become the king of Bergen.

Bergen King. Bergen King. Is that like Berger King? No, that was... I'm not enjoying any of your jokes today. I'll be honest with you. I'm not on form. I mean...

It's because I keep waking up early. Remember, guys, it's a free podcast. I'll be honest with you, I'm not on form. I mean... It's going to keep waking up early. Remember, guys, it's a free podcast. I do like the fact that on all the little fucking business cards you hand out after the show, it says free podcast.

As opposed to all those other famously paid for podcasts. Oh, my God. I think it's because, like, it's to sell... The card was to sell my show and give them a discount code for my show which is Muggins by the way

on www.kyonfrey's forward slash shop discount code is Muggins but I just wanted the back of it to be hey if you don't want to buy me shit here's all the free content

it's like the when you buy an app and then it's like hey do you want to get rid of the ads you're like nah nah I'll just knock that I know how to go past

your fucking ads I'll just listen to your shit jokes for free we've also we've got a story I remember was I doing something there probably

was I getting on to something no I don't know oh the Norway how expensive it is oh yeah I was going to mention that we've started our first joint bank account

we have because what we realised is we're just we're just split like one person takes a bill one day and one person takes a bill the next day and that has backfired in the past we just do we're just split like one person takes a bill one day and one person takes a bill the next day

and that has backfired in the past we just do meals in turn oh like if if one of us did Norway yeah like that and then the next person

did fucking Copenhagen or somebody else somewhere else that's reasonably priced Copenhagen's still the Scandinavian not quite Norway and Sweden

but like if we ended up in like fucking Estonia or like you said before Poland where everything's just like are you sure? Did you not ring something through? I feel like a criminal every week. Yeah so we've got a card and we're just like. Are you wearing ankle socks?

Did you just make that up for the podcast? I'll take a fucking picture of these. You absolutely you are wearing an ankle. Don't hide them. Where are you going to hide your feet? I haven't moved. Your toenails are still painted as well.

That's not, well, I mean, it's different. Because we did, yeah, we spoke about it last, because we painted our fucking toenails. Yeah,

I don't know how to get it off. Nail polish remover. Ah, I thought you just had to scrape it off with your teeth. I've got them nowhere. Because you've got no teeth just gum in the mouth

you're just making all kinds of things up cheers I'm having trainer socks and I've got no teeth what am I in that also I have enjoyed because I think we've

obviously had an influx of new listeners thanks to Netflix special streaming worldwide available in all good toy stores a lot of people have come on

and just been like this podcast is shit and we're like yeah people said that well not shit but there's just like there's no point to

this I'm like absolutely that's yeah I don't think you expect I don't know why you expect it didn't do anything it's McDonald's for the brain isn't it

aye yeah just filling and bad for kids get a free toy I don't know false promises but we also have a story from Slovenia

which we can't tell until we're no longer in Europe and by that I mean after Brexit do you think we should just

tell it and deal with the repercussions I mean we've talked Marlena's going to shout at us our agent's going to shout at us I would leave Do you think we should just tell it and deal with the repercussions? I mean, we've talked to you. Marlena's going to shout at us. Our agent's going to shout at us. Yeah, she told us to leave.

I would leave just because we'll forget about it. I mean, we won't. It was a traumatic story. But yeah, once we get back in the UK, remind us to tell the Slovenia story because, oh boy, we almost... Well, look, let's not get into it, but somebody did a cry. You can't do this to them. I can. It this to them I can it's free

it's free I'll do whatever I want it's my fucking I'll tell you what I'll do a fucking magic trick in the podcast and they go fuck themselves I committed a huge crime

in Eastern Europe basically it wasn't a huge crime I mean it was a it was a mixture of a crime mixed with a public service yeah this is true

you know it was a justified crime yeah it was can there be such a thing absolutely there's justifiable crimes murder I reckon I could justify

most murders which is why I'm not a lawyer because fuck me they'd all be on the streets like he was a dick he was a dick just standing in the dock I don't know why

he went to the dock he might be a fraud if I was a yeah the joke's a terrible idea if I was a lawyer there'd be loads more murderers on the streets and a lot more freaks in the sheets

I'm not enjoying this why are you laughing why are you here I have a great time are you also complaining about how crap this podcast is you just created a bunch of other accounts to troll me on Instagram oh this is something else

I promise we'll get back to that story on a later podcast once the smoke settles. Once my name's clear. You can't say smoke settles because it does sound like we set something on fire. At the minute, I'm pretty much on Grand Theft Auto and there's loads of stars flashing in the top corner. I've just got to go and get my car re-sprayed. Just hide somewhere, wait for them to go and get my car just hide somewhere

wait for them to go by or you could do the cheek up down up down left right B oh shit that wasn't actually but it was something along those lines oh fuck what was the other thing you were going to say you've kind of come to this conclusion that you might have had like a mild

depression up until I mean let's let's not trivialise depression because you're like bouncing out of bed for breakfast you wake up and every new day you're chatting to us on public transport sometimes like making

conversation it's amazing I've become a much more pleasant person you've just become a little bit more like me oh no you're contagious just like normal and not just a fucking grumpy girls well because i'm not i'm not a morning person i did all my morning when my sister died oh now we're talking there's the cream i know and love um i've never been a morning person i'm a massive but that's the thing

I think what it is often the time is I oversleep right but now you wake up and you're just like wait a minute I'm famous I'm a real boy now

you mentioned something that was like really possible you were like do you reckon it's because before when I woke up in the morning I had nothing to do

whereas now I've just got a little fucking phone filled with compliments and I'm like oh here we go every day if I wanted to be cheered up at any point

all I have to do is fucking slide into my own DMs right and there's just loads of people saying nice things to me yeah

because the feedback's been real because you have been positively buoyant I think that's all it is you'll plateau out soon and be a grumpy cunt again probably

because I think happiness and sometimes come from just like a gradual improvement of circumstances and you've had like you've had like this massive like high injection of fucking of endorphins and adrenaline and everything that comes with a fucking shit kicking off and um once you get used to that

you're probably fucking back to the same why but the thing is i've always said that i'm really enjoying this i'm a miserable cunt on the outside but I'm always I am always happy on the inside like you and I have always said that we're very fortunate

enough to not you know suffer from anxiety or depression or anything like that so you know I'm generally

I just enjoy being miserable I think it's fucking it fucking fuels me at the minute you're buoyant because like I was saying to you because you've like always said

I don't have any mental health problems I'm pretty lucky with that no I mean I do like I've always said I don't have any mental health problems I'm pretty lucky with that I've definitely got some mental health problems but what they are is a God complex, narcissism and egocentrism and even if they had meds for those I wouldn't take them

that's right people take cocaine to feel this so what you're telling me is my mental illness is I wake up every morning and I go oh I'm suddenly not an atheist because I believe in myself but eh you would definitely

not handle tough like if you had a oh if I had any adversity if you had to work at a factory in a job you didn't enjoy

like that would fucking cripple you you wouldn't have the mental resilience to not let that affect you yeah also if I was resilient

in this fucking situation I can play about a lot of stuff imagine if I was a black lesbian oh I can play about a lot of stuff as a white man imagine if I was a black lesbian oh my god

we would not be doing this podcast we'd be kissing trying to convert me back I just I just walk in with me

with me knees together and me cock between my legs like what like what you see when you're doing a little duck walk towards you. That's how your day would go.

Or do you think that would depress you? I reckon so. If you're just a little fucking penguin with your fake snatch towards me. Here's a question for lesbians listening to the podcast. Would that... I mean... Maybe it's not a question.

Maybe I don't want to ask that question. Maybe it's just a stupid one.bians listening to the podcast would that I mean maybe it's not a question maybe I don't want to ask that question maybe it's just a stupid one you were going to ask if the fake tuck between the legs fake snatch

was appealing right ask yourself this as a straight heterosexual man is a cock tucked between legs appealing because the answer is going to be

you fucking idiot you know what now that you mentioned it alright because if it was we wouldn't be doing this podcast fucking idiot you know what now that you mention it alright because if it was we wouldn't be doing this podcast

we'd be kissing fine that is why this podcast is important because one of just reminds people people who've listened to my two very tight

Netflix specials suddenly realise and be like oh my god he's really really smart nah nah I'm a fucking moron it's a bit of a

gear shift but I'm going to ask you something this is a riddle right this is a riddle riddle you this Kat and Natalie

who ran past us right and the riddle is Kat and Natalie Natalie being your wife and Kat being my other wife being Kat

yeah who I married to yeah her kind of peeves peeves her peeves oh you likedves? Her peeves. Oh, you liked that the second time, did you? You hated it ten minutes ago.

I'm just looking forward to the third section of that joke. Hope it's a good one. Like the Lord of the Rings trilogy. It's more like the Hobbit trilogy. It should have only been one. Right. Which riddle? There's a car crash.

Right. Is there? Yeah. You've handled it very well. Take this as seriously as you like right there's been a car crash right father and son father's driving yeah the son's in the passenger seat uh the dad dies on impact in the car crash the son is is still breathing his circulation's still going he gets put in the ambulance he's stable he's getting rushed into hospital and then

the doctor comes to say him and said I can't operate on him he's my son how? it's his mum exactly you're a proper feminist yeah took me fucking ages

to get that I got there but like I pondered it and I went oh yeah it's his mum but Kat didn't get it at all like when I got

running past her she was like must be stepdad and all that because like everybody especially from the people born in the 80s like must be stepdad and all that because like everybody especially from the people born in the 80s like me, Kat and Natalie

like that's your preconception women are nurses men are doctors nah I wouldn't trust a I wouldn't trust a male surgeon what if he just fucks me wound huh

what if he just fucks my wound what if he like does a little slit in my chest yeah you know what that looks like you know what that looks like start tucking his dick between his legs

slips a finger in aye couple of digits men are too emotional to be surgeons I reckon You know what that looks like? A cart tucking his dick between his legs. Slips a finger in. Aye. Couple of digits. Men are too emotional to be surgeons, I reckon. I wouldn't trust it. Imagine Nick Cody operating on you. What, fucking Shaggy Stevens over there? Aye.

I wouldn't even trust him to play the game Operation itself. He'd be just woke up just fucking covered in scars. Just trying to get a spell count like Victor Zaz from Batman little shout out to the nerds that was a good reference

wasn't it nerds like Victor Zaz like Victor Zaz tweet me if you got that joke Nick Cody's had a baby he has happy birthday Nick Cody's baby

from last week and they did not they did not take any of my name suggestions seriously right Pin Cody Morse Cody Connor McBaby

I'll tell you one thing though when Nick Cody holds his baby's rattle the baby's just like, oh dad how you doing for those that don't know, Nick Cody has some sort of corporate division that makes his hands shake

he says that I reckon he's just scared all the time he hides under the fucking table whenever there's fireworks not even going off that's because I

dragged him there that's why that's why that's why me and Kai can't kiss in front of him they have had a baby there was one thing and they listened to this podcast and so I'm just going to call them out on baby there was one thing and they listened to this podcast

and so I'm just going to call them out on this there was one one post there his lovely wife and their gorgeous baby there was a beautiful picture of her you know

staring to its eyes and she was like I could do this staring competition all day and I didn't have the heart to tell her that babies can't see for the first two months

oh can they not no they can only see like outlines like shadows oh shit because then I just popped a pair of contact lenses in their face for the first two months oh can they not no no they can only see like outlines like oh that's shit because then I just popped a pair of

contact lenses in and went down that might not be true but I'm 90% certain that for the first couple of weeks babies they've not fully developed

that's why you've got to they're more you did a shaking motion that's why you've got to you know you've got to shake them shake them get their eyes working

kick them their heads are just like a little magic egg ball, you've got to shake them, huh? Shake them, get their eyes working, kick them out. Ah, yeah, yeah. Because their heads are just like little magic egg balls. So you've got to shake them until the pupils come in. And actually, for the first couple of months,

you can change the colour of their eyes. You just shake them until you get the one you want. Just like undoing an iPhone. Aye, aye. Or just random... You just fucking hit randomise on them. Do you reckon if you could design your baby,

would you? Or would you just fucking... I'm just going to rely on Natalie's genetics being better than mine and just like kind of much like Nick Cody and Lucia did

why is it no no don't worry I was about to say it's a hot baby you can't say that I mean I think you just did I think you just said it it's a very very cute baby

so in this one obviously Lucia's DNA is taken over which is good hopefully that lasts but then again you know if you could design your baby because that's the debate

that's coming in like people obviously get to a point where you know they can find out if it's got Down syndrome and then they can choose to not do it then

but then people go no you can pick the colour of its eyes or you know whether it's dark I mean you've always been able to pick the race of your baby

just have sex with someone of that colour yeah I mean you can always been able to pick the race of your baby just have sex with someone of that colour yeah I mean you can partially pick it aye oh yeah that's true aye tone it down

or up so I think if I could design the baby I would make sure I didn't like you mean you can design it

so because like I've got shit eyes and Natalie's got shit eyes like hers I've got to look at but not out of

which is a bonus for me do you reckon right so like what they could do right they've come up with this fucking science technology where it's got all your details

if you could pick which part so you obviously can't give them better anything but it's like you can pick right I want it to have Natalie's eyes Natalie's tits

my cock because I don't know i'd be happy with the fucking um i'd be happy with the gamble i mean it would be until it came out shite but then again as a parent like some kids some parents have fucking rancid kids and that's when like you know the chemicals that make you love your babies is real impressive like they hand you it and you're like I'm fucking not

even tempted to molest this yeah I don't think I don't think I would I just like the roll of the dice otherwise you're questioning

a decision making like you know if your kid was being fucking shitty you'll be like oh man I've made it too I'd question your fucking morals like you can if your kid was being fucking shitty you'd be like oh man I've made it too I question your fucking morals

like you can't it just like is it called eugenics is that what eugenics is well I think eugenics is a bit more Hitler-y

well it's it's getting a bit that way isn't it because you've got to start like like building a race of fucking like

strong strong athletes intelligent like I I know he was fucking like he was thinking that

a certain colour of people or a certain colour of hair was the race but eventually you'd end up with people

that were like fucking like I reckon we're all going to end up beige one day beige like a homogenous

colour I'm taking steps I reckon we're just going to slowly just become like a we're all going to slowly just become like a we're all going to be like I don't know

coffee or tea coloured eventually but I reckon the white DNA is going to take over and we're not going to be able to dance anymore oh do you know

I learned how to dance in Ibiza no you didn't but that meant you took ecstasy no no oh yeah hi that happened

fuck yeah that happened it was amazing as well Donald Trump pills I've stopped promoting both getting as well. Donald Trump pills. I've stopped promoting both. That's not the wimpy thing, some of them Donald Trump heckies. The fucking devil.

What do you mean you learned how to dance and everything? So, Soraya, come up with it. Soraya being Andrew Maxwell, Meg. Meg's wife. She, who I mentioned, because Maxwell's been on this podcast to any of the new listeners and Soraya just goes Kai you don't dance

to the beat of the music you don't like you're just dancing over it I was like what are you talking about she's like you're not even listening to the beat like you're just doing moves that you would just do

whatever song was on and I was like is that not what you do it's just like no I like think of it with the beat she'd like grab my wrist start thinking of the beat

she's like you see that movement there and she'd just like grab my hand and put my hand and it's just like no I like think of it like the beach she'd like grab my wrist start digging at the beach she's like you see that movement there and she'd just like grab my hand and put my hand and it was like after a little while of her like moving my arm she was like right

now on your own and it was like pushing a kid on the bike when he had to train his wheels up and I'm like oh I'm dancing with a beat

and Barry was laughing going it's one of the most primal things you can learn babies do it like Soraya's baby Mahalia you just took a foot out of my socks

I did to prove that you wear ankle socks you play tennis here what's wrong with them I just I've just been to the gym no you haven't

you have I've been with you all day you've never left my eyesight I suppose my Snapchat story is going to contradict that

but anyway why am I fucking defending this what the fuck's wrong with that I just I've been wearing trainers with trainer socks I'm travelling

each to their own you think I'm on the pull I wear a fucking bum bag you do wear a bum bag that's appalling it's just being married practical stuff

just just like you don't need anyone to want to fuck you anymore so you should flush it off I don't know why I was like worried about the last six years

that I've been with Natalie like oh if I wear this bum bag I might not get laid off my girlfriend but I've got my claws in now I'm going to start wearing a bum bag but yes what was I saying trainer socks, bum bags before that dancing

I can do Scottish country dancing. I can do, you know, Kate Gordon's and fucking Dash and White Sarge and we all learned those in school. You were dancing in a booth there. You didn't get to see that very often. Yeah, I was. That's how good the Trump pills were. It was fucking weird because you didn't get Scottish country dancing

down in England, did you? Obviously not. You know, the first ever Scottish wedding I went to was one of Natalie's friends and at the end when the Kayleigh dancing started kicking off

what is it Kayleigh I now what's the song that comes on that triggers everybody to start doing it I don't think is it the Gay Gordons

or is it one of the other ones the Body Banks of Loch Lomond or something something along them lines right so that song came on

and everybody like grabbed hands and started like dancing running circles and doing some kind of fucking hokey-cokey nonsense right and i just got swept up in it because that's great because you're like if there's critical mass if there's enough people that knows what's going on the people that don't know what's going on get led by it right and i genuinely thought that that just happened organically and nobody knew it was going to happen and nobody heard the cue for the music. I just thought we were all listening to the music

and then just out of the blue just started doing some dry land synchronised swimming. And then just I fucking went off and I just went and I was like, that was fucking bonkers. Everyone just started doing the same dance at once. She was like, oh yeah, it's the same dance at once she's like oh yeah it's the thing

I was like oh that's the thing yeah we all learn it all the way through primary school and high school and it's a real

fucking it's a real social education when you because you go in right and it's the boys and girls

standing opposite side of the room and they're like go pick a partner and you're anywhere between the ages six and like sixteen right so you're scared of the opposite sex right you've got a little bit like especially

if you're six yeah but they've just so you're getting paired up with a 16 year old as when you're a teenager in scotland what happens is you've got to have that choice of being like i can't be i can't be too eager right because then everyone will know who i fancy right you can't just fucking run across and just be like la Laura will you dance with me because everyone's like well Sloth's fancy is fucking Laura but you can't be too slow Laura Young to this day

by the way Steve will fucking go in but when you're a kid and you've not learned empathy or at least I hadn't I remember very vividly there was one girl that very clearly fancied me and she had a fucking lot of courage for a sexual

just she was trying to she was I got properly doled off because she tried to dance I just kept running away just sprinting around the hall because I didn't want to dance

with her that was a horrible weekend she was like that's awful I was real mad at her just fucking sprinting in the opposite direction like I'm fucking

getting a shitty pack man you're not Laura spitting on her face then she'll like that I start her off don't slip me slow Laura Young's not that young anymore no

she got married she might have been devastated I'm in the silence but I lost love just pour it just pouring one out but that you're not having a wank

the one that got away did you ever do you remember your first love oh my god you know I wrote this don't you the fucking lassie

where I sent in a oh I'd tell it again though sent in a letter to the big breakfast how old were you? 15. Right, so there's a television show in the UK called Big Breakfast.

Who were the hosts? It was Johnny Vaughan and Denise Van Outen. It was before Kelly Brook took over Denise Van Outen. But Denise Van Outen was on Alders. She was in Tenerife. So they had a guest, a guest co-host, which was Jenny McCarthy, the playboy model, who, by the way, I've spent a few bolts on her, mate.

The 15-year-old Jenny McCarthy. You know that story, don't you, when I was looking her up on the school internet and Sean pressed Control and P on my computer and it printed out next to the teacher, You know that story, don't you, when I was looking her up on the school internet and we've heard Sean pressed Control and P on the computer and it printed out next to the teacher, like fucking... We're talking like 1987 or something,

or 1980, it's fucking shitty. And the fucking picture of Jenny McCarthy just materialised next to Mrs Firth. Oh, no, it wasn't, because it was the Mrs Firth who showed us it, so the teacher didn't bring us the copy, right? I don't know, I don't know I've probably told this story

another time before and told it slightly different but you know I'm trying to remember something from fucking 1987

but it ended up in Mrs Firth's hands and she showed us the picture of Jenny McCarthy going what do you call this and I just went

what I miss that's class it acted like I knew enough and I put it and she was just shown us porn in the middle of

form class so I was already fucking in love with Jenny McCarthy right so you said so who was the

girl they had a crush on so they were doing basically what we do they were doing what we do and now is the feature in this podcast and send a letter in

and we'll read it out and it was when the fucking emails first came into the school when the internet first came into the school that's how old I am and I went and sent an email to the big breakfast just saying I really fancy this girl she's two years younger than me I was in year 11 and she was in year nine

Nones She was just starting to get her nidball titties Oh no So I was just starting to get the red belt titties. Oh, no. And I was good friends with our older sister who was the, yeah, above me. Oh. Because we went to

Air Cadets together. What brought her cool? Oh, clearly. And I was just mentioning, like, I want to ask her out, but, like, I'm friends with her sister and I'm like,

oh, fucking me. I was kidding. It's not like I'm wrong. This is now I'm like I'm fucking me I was a kid it's not like I wrote this this is how I got into Natalie so and they're running out of the big breakfast and what was that

Vinnie Jones was a guest Vinnie Jones was a guest on it and it was funny because Jenny McCarthy was telling us to get some balls man just get some balls and ask her out right

which she would Johnny Vaughan would have had someone who's the happiest guy. You can't say balls on fucking breakfast television. You will book a porn star. That's a you problem. Which,

I don't think she was a porn star. She was doing like softcore stuff. She's got a funny oot now. The usual. I don't think she was a porn star she was just doing softcore stuff she was just she was got a funny out now the usual and and Billy Jones just tell us

sucker just fucking I just bit her off mate so did everyone in school see this oh man

that was that was humiliating I fucking styled it out like no you did not I whacked it Did everyone in school see this? Oh, mate. It was humiliating. I fucking styled it out like... No, you did not. I whacked in. No, you didn't. I whacked in and fucking started running the place going, lad.

Team smoke. Team smoke. I didn't even ask for fucking... Fucking Vinnie said she's in the bin, mate. She's in the bin. Suck na. See, I... I remember being

I think my first crush was a girl called Rhiannon was about 7 years old and she was 7 fucking pedo and didn't know how to tell her

I liked her so I was watching Art Attack and they were teaching her how to make fucking little hedgehog pencil holders so you just get a bit of clay

and you make it look like hedgehog and you stick a bunch of pencils in of clay and you make it look like hedgehog and you stick a bunch of pencils in it right and those are the the spikes those are the gus

and you made up one of them made one of them gave it to her the next day and she laughed at me and that's when I knew I wanted to be a comedian aye I was always a wee

fucking romantic I remember none of the girls fancied me all the girls where are they now though apart from that one that chased you around the hall on the disco ticket sorry Leah you were very lovely I remember none of the girls fancied me all the girls where are they now though apart from that one that chased you around

the hall on the discotheque sorry Leo you were very lovely I remember it vividly yeah PTSD I remember as well

there was a girl because that was push my scotch dancing I didn't make your jokes it's a free podcast not for me no thank you

yeah I remember before I had a major crush on Jill Weaverly there was a girl in my middle school

called Kirsty Blake who I really liked who was out of my league and when I when I yeah I was just

thinking of the spelling of her name she's got one eye Kirsty with a Y Yeah, I was just thinking of the spelling of her name. She's got one eye. It's got to do with a Y. And I've got one eye. I've got one Y. It was her.

I was going to be a joke. So this is what I would do, right? When everyone was playing football, I would play with her and I'd meet her and skip. Well, like, two people holding the rope. Double dutch and all that shit. And I'd get knocked around with her and I'd do daft things and all that, like, clowning around.

Like, pretend to run into a tree and all that. What am I like? Classic back. Just, like, making them laugh. Oh, did it work? I mean, it made them laugh them laugh like who's this dickhead and then I got into

skipping and that's how I ended up good at MMA good footwork I'm sorry for it do you remember your first kiss

oh mate I'm gonna twat of it did you take a run up it was like what what plate days right it was

21 21 that would have been like it was when we used to fucking walk around the streets but like not quite drinking yet so it must have been like it was when we used to fucking whack around the streets but like not quite drinking yet so it must have been about like

12.30 right and it was Sarah Dinning and Stacey someone else right

short I think you don't have to give like full names people from Blive listen to this I want them to know who I was working with okay

you know what I mean and I can't remember which one it was going to be that I was about to kiss maybe it was like a dare to them truth and dare dare

dare to kiss guy alright truth alright I really don't want to kiss guy and I was just saying I'm trying to fucking just have Alice say fucking swag I really don't want to kiss Guy. And I was just like, I tried to fucking just have all this fucking swag on,

but I don't like fucking, I was wearing a peaked cap, like a baseball cap, right? But you know how good I look at them. Fucking. So I went out and she was like, stood wearing this cut, right? What's a cut? A cut through the, like an estate right and so it's like a cut like a cut through

the uh like an estate where like it's just a footpath full of dog shit and that romantic so in this like narrow cut the venice of blithe and uh i'm dead to kiss all right and i fucking i was like i mean i'll do it i fucking stole off it we're just fucking sitting around and that right and i all right i'll do it and i fucking spun my cap around backwards. What, like fucking Ash Ketchum about to catch a Pokemon? Put three Pokemon. That's before my time. And then I put my cap on backwards,

and then put my hand against the fence over her shoulder behind her, leaning in for the kiss, and literally everyone burst a laugh into my face. I was like, like, smooshed my out of the room

like I was like oh man and I laughed and then like we did it anyway which was laughing while I was kissing

Anna my first kiss was in my first girlfriend was Heather we met in like fucking drama

class when I was about I think I was about 11 and then oh fucking this is a fucking horrific story, went around to our house

and all of our mates were there and I just didn't like I just didn't have the fucking balls to kiss her like it took me so long to like put my arm around her while we were watching a movie, all of our friends were like very clearly just trying to fucking make us kiss, so they put on like a fucking scary movie and they sat us on the couch beside each other and they all sat on the floor

and I just sat there didn't make a move at any point just too fucking scared to move but at the end of it like I remember one of them going Heather's just giving her the thumbs up

being like did you get it and she was like he fucking did nothing so then they started being like let's play hide and seek and I was like fucking love hide and seek they're like

oh but in pairs and I was like alright and so they're trying to pair up with someone else and they were like no go with Heather yeah and then they ended up so they were trying to pair up with someone else and they were like no go with Heather

yeah and then they just go aside and just try to kiss you're like shh you're gonna give my face away man you've got loud lips

and then alright and then we kissed that was our first kiss and last and that was it and then also but then after that

right I kissed her I was fucking 11 years old then we went to cinema together and I just didn't I remember doing like the arm around the shoulder fucking thing

and then just I had my first kiss so I was just filled with confidence went for a booby grab really with pins with pins

I didn't do it though we need to talk about Matty's pins so our good friend Matty Cannon cool best man he's done a he's done a lot of work

for women over the years. He's rehoused a bunch of them. To the avid podcast listeners. I was saying that, we mentioned it last week's episode. Right, Matty Lewis and how he does to women. Yeah,

so when we were younger, I've got to say like 21, 22 years old, right, we were out in the town and there was this girl that I chatted to and like 21, 22 years old right we were out in the town and there was there was this girl

that our chat knew and she she was like bragging about her boobs or something and let us feel her boobs and it was like me and Matty

were grabbing a boob each right so I went in and I grabbed a boob with a flat palm classic boob grab alright respectful it's like feeding a horse

give it like a give it like a massage feeding a horse you're shoving a custard pie into his face yeah well no less feeding a horse because Give it like a massage. Feeding a horse, you're shoving a custard pie into someone's face. Yeah. Well, no, less feeding a horse

because that would be like a downward palm, wouldn't it? Custard pie. Just keep your fingers up. Custard pie, but less aggressive. Like a slow-mo custard pie.

That's how you boob grab. Not like Matty with a fucking pincer technique. You just fucking come inside. Do you think it's like a crab? It's like the fucking claw from Toy Story or any arcade

and he just pinched a pity and she went ouch did she ouch my few he made the noise

himself so Matty and Matty used the pincer the fresh pin is the pincer the fresh pincer ballet pincer the Pokemon

done real work pinchy strider the pincer stole Christmas very good should we get on to some advice oh probably sure

we probably should have so somebody do you want me to read this one yeah because I haven't got my contact lenses in which by the way

being able to see is great aye I remember when my dad got laser eye surgery fucking he got it done and he came home

and he just stood out he stood staring out of his bedroom window just like like someone had died and it was raining or he just had his heart broken I was like

what are you doing he's like have we always been able to see Edinburgh from here and I was like aye it's incredible it's like we live in Edinburgh

because it's like even when I close my left eye and my right eye my right eye's the terrible one I've got the current lens in it's still not like it's like I can see that the image is clear now

but my brain's just still struggling to process it because it's been 14 years since I last... I mean, I've dabbled with fucking glasses for a month and lost them. But it's like me... I think my left eye's been working on its own

and my right eye's just been like... My brain's been switching it off a little bit. You've always had two left eyes. Yeah. Yes, it's true. And it's like putting a really good graphics card in a computer. I would like shit ROM in the processor for the graphics card isn't good enough for the new graphics.

It's getting like fucking great. But I'm getting used to them. But when I'm focusing on what I'm looking at, I'm like, fucking hell, this is good. I can see stuff. Everything's in HD. Yes. So this is the letter that we're going to read out.

Okay. Fairly new fan. Hello, new fan. Oh, by the way, I haven't read this all the letter that we're going to read out. Okay. Fairly new fan. Hello, new fan. Oh, by the way, I haven't read this all the way to the end yet. I just went, this one seems interesting. I know. And passed it over. I watched the episode because my ex told me he'd watched it recently.

And if I don't... Okay. That episode being Netflix Jigsaw. Jigsaw, yeah. So I watched Jigsaw because my ex told me he'd watched it recently. And if I don't get what you're saying, then I'm blind. you can't add us to your list of breakups though i'm afraid because we watched the episode after we broke up but clearly something you said seemed to make perfect sense to him which is why you could recommend i watch it so i could understand too i'm not sure

if this email is going to have a question or not we'll see but i'm not sure if i agree i'm not sure i agree with you saying you have to saying someone has to love you 100 surely there are always going to be things uh you wish your partner would do better even moreover less of you can't wake up as joyful as your dad every day that's a reference to the joke um can we pause there a second because it's a long email yeah can we talk about that bit because i would just let me get let me get to the end of the because she's talking a little bit more um what if they had really bad morning breath that doesn't mean you don't love them 100 just because you wish they tidy up a bit more or not stay up till 3am playing fortnite great

reference and how dare you have a problem with that uh i think what you said might lead to people to create new unrealistic jigsaw where they're actually looking for the prince charming for the middle and he has to be 100% perfect in terms of being 100% lovable with no requirement what do you think which i don't think was your point we could all do with changing a bit for the better an example for me is i'd be a better person if i used less question marks in my email so it's very funny I'd be able to change that for someone but that's the thing right good point I get what you're saying I think what the person is trying to say is surely you can't love 100% of someone you're expecting to love 100% of someone first yeah this is it's it's the change thing right so I like um I don't like that Natalie leaves food

in the fridge until it fucking starts sprouting and growing trees out of it right like I don't like that right it's something that I'll come back off a fucking tour and I'll say like a pot of double cream there that I was there when we used that last and I've been on tour for two months it's got a fucking black skin on it sorry for fucking shaming you on this Natalie I think I've done it

before but I'll just throw that fucker in the bin I was like it doesn't bother her but that bothers me but fuck me I would not I would not fucking take me day out on that because of it I wouldn't be like oh you fucking

could you not just not put this in the fridge and not leave it there like fucking it was the same with you like forget being in a relationship just with other human beings there's bits

and I'll mock up for it like I'll tease I'll tease maybe but like there's definitely no but it's not a condition it's not like if you don't stop doing this

right I'm going to fucking leave you and also if you ever came back and right and there was mouldy food

not in the fridge right you know she's been cheating like who else she's been fucking somebody else or she's been

fucking you which would be weird because you want to end with this but you also leave loads of shit in the fridge but it's like

she'll like complain that there's stuff in my teeth or whatever and she'll fucking oh can I get the finger in the fridge but it's like she'll complain that there's stuff in my teeth or whatever and she'll fucking get the finger out of your teeth but it's not going to change you shouldn't want to change the person you should always want them to improve if they are doing something for self improvement

let's say they start going to the gym and they start eating healthier or they drink less or they're reading more or they're just taking fucking long walks and just self-improvement. You love that about them. But if they didn't do that, you still love them.

And you encourage it. You do some positive reinforcement with some good shit. But you don't break someone's balls. It's not like a human being trying to live. Yeah, when they say that you love 100% of someone, you go, there's so many things that annoy me about this person.

And if they were to change, I'd be fine with that. But if if they weren't to change i don't care because i still love 100% those are the bits that you know there's little bits i've had ex-girlfriends do that you know fucking annoy the shit out of me but then if they stopped doing it i'd be like oh fuck you know i like the you know the fact that you can tease each other and wind each other up you know if they were you're not expecting the other person to be perfect, right? Because nobody's perfect except for me and Conor McGregor.

I wouldn't ask him to change for anything. Just going to let that one settle. I'm going to bring up, Natalie last week told me the fucking biggest solid ever. I think, did I talk about this last week? Maybe we did. She brought me luggage up because I fucked up when I was flying. I thought I was flying on the this last week? Maybe we did, but she brought, she brought me luggage up

because I'd fucked up when I was flying. I thought I was flying on the Monday, I was flying on Sunday, I was stuck in Liverpool and she brought up my luggage from London on the,

on the train and dropped it off and somebody was like, oh, you're going to pay for that, you'll be in trouble now because some people have got that fucking attitude

where there's like, there's probably a lot of relationships where that would have bust me balls like, oh, I've fucking done this, I can't believe it, I've fucking done, I've had to do this for you because you're fucking inadequate and like pouring all that

on us fuck me man I've made a mistake I'm in a tricky situation she's helped us out with it and she was happy to do so and fuck man I'd be happy to do anything for her like I just sort of yeah I don't know why people bust each other's balls yeah it's you know it's when it's something

annoys you about your fucking partner and you desperately want them to change it and if you fucking belittle them or when they fucking belittle you. I remember with, you know, my ex-girlfriend, there was stuff that I did that she hated and didn't enjoy. So then I had to stop doing them, but those were parts of my personality.

So it was literally cutting out parts of my personality don't say this stop doing that sort of joke I hate when you I hate the amount you swear and I'm like

this is just how much I swear this is you know yeah well like of course Natalie doesn't like me smoking

right because she wants me to live longer you know it makes sense that she doesn't like me smoking right but if I choose to smoke,

she's not going to... You better quit smoking, otherwise I'm going to be fucking difficult with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to make it fucking tough to live with. I'm going to be fucking stomping around the house for half days without a door to talk to you. Okay, here is what I found.

What the fuck was that? Fucking Siri wanted to get involved. Yeah. I think you can accept someone and have dislikes and have things that you'd rather they didn't do when you love 100% of them you still love them you love them in spite

we are flawed man every fucking one of us you can't just gang up and shave somebody's flaws off them and make them fucking pleasantville you don't look for

the prince charming you just accept the person that isn't that charming or prince just lower your standards drastically all the time and also a lot of the time if they are doing shit

it's because you know they've been in the show if they are fucking lazy and they are fucking shit you know if you're in a position where your partner

is lazy and crap and doesn't do all this shit fucking just bin them like they don't love themselves and it's not your job to it's not your job

to fill them with the love and that's how it's fucking harsh but it's true yeah it sounds like she fell in love with a dude that's got bad breath and

plays Fortnite instead of fucking that's probably not the guy for you find a guy that's a bit

more interested in his partner and brushes his teeth there's loads of those hundreds thousands

no I'll pick this one but then ultimately as I've said Jigsaw is a fucking stand-up comedy show and if you took a message from it that's great

but at the end of the day it's a fucking stand-up show the reason I broke up with you isn't because of anything I said it's because the amount of people

and I've clarified when the guy said my girlfriend dumped me because of you and I was like no no no no your girlfriend dumped you because of you

I just reminded her that there's that's an option yeah that because a lot of people in these relationships feel you know if you aren't in a toxic relationship you can feel fucking trapped and it's impossible especially if somebody knocks your confidence in a relationship you suddenly think to yourself nobody out there is going to fucking love me they they hate all these bits of me and yet they still love me so i'm deeply flawed so i have to be with this person because that's the only person in the world who loves me who loves me and you know they're pointing out my flaws no no no you want somebody that loves you in spite of them do you know what's

nuts is um all like i think it's like a bit of an archaic uh expression but people used to say compromise is the key to a good relationship you compromise i don't think it is i think you need to compromise you need to like work around each think it is I don't think you need to compromise you need to like work around each other there's another bit of advice we need to give and I've been asked

this a lot and you and I hold on is it I think there's more to that email is there yeah I think so I'm sorry

go on follow that thought because before you lose it and then we'll get back to this oh no I've got another bit of advice but for a separate thing so okay anyway the bit I want to the bit I want to get to really is where you talked about loving yourself

i cried like full on hyper all right she's i don't want to divulge her emotions here so here's the question she wrote this in she wrote this in first to read on the podcast anyway the bit where you get to really we talked about loving yourself i cried like full-on hyperventilating crying and my eyes are still really sore i have no idea how to do that actually so yes it's a question how can you learn to love yourself so that you can then receive the love you deserve from another if you can't forgive yourself for mistakes you previously made and for turning into the type of person you never want to be how can you learn to love yourself when you don't like yourself well first of all learn to like yourself and then work your way

out i'll be a person that you like hi it's what do you what do you like and other people and just like just be inspired by some people i think just go Just go, oh, fuck, I like how he does that. If you go, oh, I like that person, like, I say, Rich Misara, he's always really thoughtful,

remembers special occasions, finds people nice gifts, and you can just go, oh, I like that dude. I'm going to be a bit more like Rich, right? And then you can like,

fucking, you like someone that's good at cooking, you're like, send a video message to your god kid on her birthday or whatever, like, just something like, thoughtful,

and you go, oh, I like this person, I like the person I like the person I'm being right now and then yeah I think you look at Ricketts

and go oh fuck I love the way he cooks and he's a good host and he hosts for people and when people come into my house I'll chime in and cook him

because I like it when he does that for me and I've also this is people might disagree with this I've always said this it does not matter

who you are on the inside at all I hate It does not matter who you are on the inside at all. I hate that phrase. It matters who you are on the inside. It categorically does not because that is not who you are. If I'm nice on the inside and I'm a cunt on the outside, history will mark me down as a cunt. You are not who you are on the inside. You're who you are.

You can fake it until you make it as a good person. I've always said that after the female orgasm confidence is the easiest thing in the fucking world to fake and once you the first person to believe your own fucking hype

is yourself like if you don't like who you are on the inside start being a different person on the outside and that's who you are to other people yeah

it's very very very easy and then also I think kindness is key you know just being fucking kind in general and being a bit like like being selfless

I do love self indulgences I do like looking after myself that's another key to key, you know, just being fucking kind in general and being a bit like, like being selfless. I do love self-indulgences, I do like looking after myself, that's something I keep to that. But you know, for instance, where the fucking fella had a beef a while back, right, and there was like seven vienna slices, but there was eight of them, and I just went, Elliot, I was like, I'm going to fucking pass up on it right even though I'd like a slice of beer I just think like a lot of people might have took it a bit more personally if they didn't get one or they might get like insecure and I'm like you know what I can live with

for everyone to be happy and if you can just like be in a bit like that I find you like just going I'm fucking

it's just the odd little tiny thing I go I'm a decent guy I can like me I can get behind that dude in order to love yourself you have to like yourself so you I can get behind that dude in order to love yourself you have to like yourself

so you answered your own question how can you learn to love yourself if you don't like yourself learn to like yourself be a person you like find out what you like in other people and adopt them traits

also self indulgence like I've I always talk to Jean about this because you know Jean works a lot so whenever she has time off she feels like she has to do a lot

with her time off if she's got a day off she's like I'm going to do this going to do this lot with her time off. If she's got a day off, she's like, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this. Don't begrudge yourself.

Don't begrudge yourself for fucking being lazy and indulging yourself. Like, when I get time off, I fucking have time off. When I get back from this tour, I'm telling you right now, I am not leaving my house for five days, right? I'm going to sit in my house, I'm going to order delivery fucking constantly,

I might not shower, I'm going to see how many wanks I can have on a fucking day, I'm going to smoke weed, I'm going to sit in my house I'm going to order delivery fucking constantly I might not shower I'm going to see how many wanks I can have on a fucking day I'm going to smoke weed I'm going to fucking drink I'm going to binge watch stuff I'm going to stay up until 5

I'm going to sleep until 1 because who gives a shit like you know whenever you set these sort of expectations of yourself

right you'll fail them and you'll begrudge yourself like stop setting expectations it's nice to have goals yeah if you're if you're playing on a computer game reading a book of yourself right you'll fail them and you'll begrudge yourself like stop setting expectations it's nice to have goals yeah if you're if you're playing

on a computer game reading a book don't be down on yourself like oh fuck this isn't very productive I'm letting people down you just go nah nah

either put it down or fucking enjoy it wholly the most important person in your life is you and then after that then you'll become the most important person.

Things like, when I was at Ricketts' house last week, I went to his toilet and he had wet wipes next to the toilet. Does he treat himself? Lives alone. He just treats himself to wet wipes. Because how can anyone love you

if you can't love yourself? Wet wipes. And the reason you have wet wipes is if you don't shave your arsehole. And this is the other advice I wanted to get into. Because a lot of people have been asking me, how do you shave your arsehole this is the other advice I wanted to get into because a lot of people have been asking me how do you shave your arsehole right

because you and I thank you for the email thank you very much for your question that was very good and if you have any questions and also feel free to not take this

fucking advice we're two idiots the shaving your arsehole thing you and I found out several years ago that we both shaved our arseholes independently of each other

we weren't inspired to... No, we've never done it together. Never done it together. We've done it to each other. What I tend to do, right, the way I do it is you can do it in the shower, right, or you can just do it... I normally lay down some toilet paper, right.

It's not a graceful thing to do. There's no... Oh, you don't want to be a fly on the wall in my bathroom when I shave my arse. It's not good. I want to be a fly on my soap. You put a bunch of toilet paper down to catch the hairs

and then you just sort of squat. Do you use toilet paper? I just... No, just get on the floor. And then you hold the razor blade like really close to the fucking top. Yeah. Right?

And then you just very slowly from the hole outwards, outwards, outwards and you just move it. Do it very slowly.

If you do it in the shower, it's a lot easier. Use one of the... I clipper it on the pan. You what? Use the clippers. Fucking hair clippers? Hair clippers. On your arsehole? Yeah, aye. How hairy is your fucking... No, no, just like trim it down so it's

like, gets to a stubble. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like a beard trimmer type of thing yeah high number three number two short back and sides until you get someone to come in with a mirror

afterwards and hold it up yeah look what you've done to us I can't go to Ibiza like this have a high fade I sometimes get cornrows when I'm on the beach

cornhole as well so yeah and then I get in the shower and I fucking squat down and I get the shaving foam in there and I just do it like I'm doing a double chin alright

softly slowly and yeah people will be like I've just cut my arsehole while shaving I've never cut my face

while shaving do you put anything on after like an aftershave balm or anything I never thought I'd do anything like that oh just somebody's tongue yeah

I just ask them if I missed a spot rumours great it is great right which brings us on to your dad jokes oh wait

hold on have you got the the tour schedule yeah yeah it's in the front pocket it's in the front pocket it's in the front pocket yeah so we're in Stavanger now

so this podcast will be out after that gig the next one if you're listening live on the day it's released before we do this

fucking Lubjana you were amazing we will tell the stories we will eventually Riga you were

you were genuinely excellent to the people that brought us weed after that gig thank you very much and to you were genuinely excellent to the people that brought us weed after that gig thank you very much and to Oslo genuinely one of the my favourite gigs I've ever had

in my entire career you were absolutely and the Netflix effect is amazing it's bringing in really good crowds because you know what when people see you

on McIntyre's Roadshow and come to your show not necessarily the audience you want to drag in because you've done some clean family friendly material ish

right but this is they've seen exactly what you like so they're not it's not like you've watched someone on Britain's Got Talent and then you go and see them

with your gran and all of a sudden they're doing sex jokes right it's like they've they've you've got the right people in and in the masses as well

so it's it's been a phenomenal so please keep coming. So tomorrow we are at the Ricks Theatre in Bergen, which I think is sold out. On Friday the 5th of October, we're in Stockholm at the Skalatatern, which I've said wrong

and we both know I've said it wrong. I don't think that's sold out yet. Barcelona is very close to selling out on Saturday the 6th. That is at the Centre Arteza Tradicion areas is it worth shouting out Barcelona people where can we

watch the Conor McGregor Khabib Nega medal yes if anyone knows of a

bar we can watch that in or if you want to casino perhaps yeah or a

casino or if you have a big telly and marijuana and you want us to come and watch the Conor

McGregor fight at your house we will genuinely take you up on that offer

if you are in Barcelona but can we make a little caveat on that? We'll only watch it with people who are like actual fans. Because they know when to talk during the fight. I hate it

when people are like, oh, what's happening? When people are just, like say if you watch it with I want to name any of my friends who are like I'll do it, Joe McTernan. Joe McTernan. I guess Tom Horton.

Tom Horton's about it. So they'll be like, just chat a box over the top of it because they're disinterested. But because we're talking, they think that that's normal. But you're like, oh no, you've got to...

You've got to talk about the fight. During the fight. During the fight, you shut the fuck up. Yeah, intervals. Because I want to listen to Joe Rogan, right? Aye. He's got good commentary.

Anyway, after that, Sunday, we are in Gothenburg Gothenburg at the Lawrenceburg fucking who gives a shit that's a massive venue

and that's definitely not sold out and then on Monday the 8th of October we are in Copenhagen at Hotel Settles and that's sold out so and then on the Monday podcast

we'll plug the rest of them yep or if you want to look ahead www.danielsloss.com. And if you've got any questions for us, you can email mugginsandcream at gmail.com. Yes, and people keep asking,

are you going to add this date? Are you going to add that one? Yes, yes, yes. They're getting added all of the time. If you keep checking back the website, there's a date getting added practically every day. Some of them in January.

Some of them are going to be in May. Yeah, for Australians, I'm coming over, you know, people get in Australia, when are you coming to Australia? The only time of year that you can't have comedy festivals. Work that. I'll be over at Brisbane.

Maybe not Adelaide, we'll find out. Perth. Sydney, Melbourne. New York. New York. America, Canada, we're going to add stuff. America, we're going to add stuff. We're genuinely working on Brazil and Argentina.

India's being worked on. Look, we're working on it. And people who have tuned into this podcast because you've watched daniel's netflix special and this is the first time you discovered me you can watch my brand new show at www.kai humphries.com forward slash shop and the discount code for the podcast listeners and all of my facebook friends is muggins okay your dad jokes your dad. Your dad's scared of the Hoover. He barks at it. When your dad was a farmer, he used to water his scarecrow. Your dad howls when I moon him. He wolf whistles.

Your dad had a bath in baked beans and he didn't even raise any money. Your dad's hips don't lie, but his mouth is full of shit. Your dad's favourite sex position is dry humping and a kind of back-to-back missionary. Your dad phones the Samaritans and tries to get them to kill themselves.

That's horrendous. Your dad can do the perfect cartwheel And that's how he gets to work Whenever your dad sees me on TV He yells And his eyes pop out of his head like the mask Whenever your dad buys a rack of ribs He tries to tickle them

From the inside If your mum doesn't come during foreplay your dad puts a bookmark in her pussy and says he'll finish it

later your dad's cock's blood has like an airlock try again your dad's

cock's blood has like an airlock tap when he comes your dad isn't allowed

within 50 metres of a school because he fucks schools he just rubs his dick up and gets him chased like fuck your dad isn't allowed within 50 metres of a school because he fucks schools he fucks schools he just rubs his dick up

and gets some shapes they're like fuck no he's one of those guys you know that group of people what was it when sorry

nowadays dad jokes I have momentum but you know when we went scuba diving snorkelling hyperbole we went snorkelling

the day after the wedding and I took my wedding ring off so I could go in and be like oh is that in case you fancy any fish and I went I can't go past the school

without taking my wedding ring off some classic banter that's me your mum ties her dad's leash to a lamppost when she goes into the post office your dad saw himself on TV and then signed his own tits.

Your dad found one of his ex-girlfriend's shits floating in the toilet and he raised it as his own. Your dad wrote a Me Too status about himself. This is on topic. Your dad wraps himself in cling film when he goes scuba diving. Your dad sits on his hand until he goes numb

so it feels like somebody else is wearing his wedding ring and then he cheats on your mum. Your dad bought a microscope because they're way cheaper than telescopes and just figured he'd look at the sky through the other end of it. And that is us done. Fun times. Enjoy the rest of your Wednesday

folks bye oh you'll be listening to this on Thursday I hope Wednesday was fun Muggins out