Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 32 Show Me What You've Got.

Episode Date: February 13, 2017

Andrew Stanley plays the resident Cream yet again joining Muggins once more and pouring his irish fuel on the flames of banta. They talk full moons, muggles, Kai's exceptional phisique and respect for elders. Cuddle up to the nearst stranger and take an ear-bud each. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickle in the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

We in the same seats? That's hack! Awww, muggles! Accidental rip job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

Everybody from the 313, put your motherfucking hands up and follow me. No. Yes. We're not doing it. Nah, Sloss was saying he really misses that ad. He didn't. I listened to the podcast. He said he misses the hell out of it.

He didn't say he missed it. He said the beautiful thing about not doing podcasts with you was that you sing at the start of every one. And then he messaged me saying, I bet he sings now. He looked at Gareth with dead eyes. He just said, why don't you sing? Gareth has dead eyes because his life is so fucking miserable. Gareth's life is so shit. I've never met a man so much waiting to die.

He keeps checking his watch. He's checking his watch. Another day. He's like his watch. Another day. He's like, I've lost my tail again. Oh, no. Nobody loves me. He's like, what's that dog? Eeyore.

It's not a dog. You thought Eeyore was a dog. No, I'm talking about the dog. You're the dog with the big droopy ears. Scooby-Doo. What's wrong with you? I don't know. dog you're the dog with the big droopy ears scooby-doo that what's wrong with you i don't know no the dog that's all like oh no like everything's a down deputy dog maybe let's just go with that

droopy dog droopy dog yeah he's got the jowls yeah he's got like a little pipsqueak dog yeah how come every like every character's got like a pipsqueak version like you've got scooby-doo who's got scrappy-doo you've got deputy dog who's got like a pipsqueak version like you've got Scooby Doo who's got Scrappy Doo you've got Deputy Dog who's got like so you can teach them lessons what's less than a deputy

like Sheriff no that's above Puppy Dog Puppy Dog and then you've got Foghorn Leghorn's got that little so they have somebody

to teach them lessons too because the cartoons are trying to get lessons across every episode alright but how many of them do we need

lessons or cartoons like cartoons given lessons by some like some overgrown birk who is passing on knowledge to a little midget. But like... Because they're not smart.

Scooby-Doo ain't smart. Debt-B-Dog ain't smart. And Foghorn Leghorn ain't smart. So it's just like it's a dipshit that's got someone that looks up to them because they don't know any better. And then they're passing on knowledge. But all the cartoons are like I think they're all

aren't they all created to give lessons and things like that that's what they're all like somebody was telling me before the director I worked with years ago was telling me that

you know Spongebob Squarepants yeah I don't know why I said Squarepants there obviously that's the one I meant not Spongebob Smith was he wearing what was he wearing

on his lower half do you mean SpongeBob Johnson? No, no, square pants. Oh, okay. SpongeBob Slug Chops. SpongeBob Shoe Man. SpongeBob Joggy Bolins. So SpongeBob lives next door to...

Patrick lives two doors away. Oh. And then in the middle is the guy they hate. Squidward. Yeah, so when they first drew it up, he lived next door to Patrick. And then Squidward lived the other side. As in, it was like Patrick, SpongeBob, Squidward. Yeah, so when they first drew it up, he lived next door to Patrick, and then Squidward lived the other side,

as in it was like Patrick, SpongeBob, Squidward, and they went, no, no, you can't have that, because then they would just ignore

Squidward and there would be no conflict. Squidward? Squidward. Yeah, I don't know, I thought you said Squidward. Like Squidward

technical hands. Oh, right, I was thinking of Squidwell Stevenson. Squidward Woodward. Tiffany Stevenson's mate.

So they put him in the middle to create conflict. Otherwise they were like, well, then they'd just chat to each other over the wall and he wouldn't be involved. Well, this is the lesson I've learned from the lessons being taught on Foghorn Leghorn. Okay. Don't respect your elders. Just because they're older than you doesn't mean they're smart. You know, like these poor little... But respecting them isn't about them being smart.

These poor little chicken hawks are looking up like, fucking, what up Uncle Scooby? Yeah, Uncle Scooby's a fucking jerk. Right? So look,

look at it this way. Like, don't respect your elders. Respect people based on their merits. No. Swear to God. But I don't think

you're respecting elders because they're... I don't think you're respecting elders. I don't think respect your elders comes from respect them because they're smart. I think it's like respect them because they've gotten as far as they have without dying.

The generation we're in, right? We respected our elders because they've been through war. They fought for our freedom. Our freedom was largely down to them. When kids are going to respect us, they're going to be like, that guy finished all the Xbox games. Even now? The baby boomer generation?

Some of them I respect because they're fucking good citizens. They're nice. But some of them are just grumpy old cunts that are demanding the same respect that their elders got. Even though their elders earned the respect, they just think they've got it because they're old. Do you think you'll be grumpy when you're older? Nah. I think you might have used up all your happiness by then. I think you might get to 39. Bottomless pit? No, it's not nah I think you might have used up all your happiness by then nah I think you might get

to like 39 bottomless pit no no it's not right I think you might get to 39 and then you go oh I've used it all what was the point

of all of that and then you'll be like oh man and you'll be the most miserable person in the world because you haven't touched any misery yet so you've got

you've got 100% pot full of misery and you've got about 8% left of your happiness so you think I'm going to be the most grumpy old man? The most, but you're going to be

literally the guy in it. Get off my lawn! Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to be Clint Eastwood in that movie. What's the movie? Buffalo Clyde. Exactly.

Left turn, Clyde. I'm glad we're on the same page. Every which way but loose. Any which way you can. Dirty Harry. The witches. Dirty Harry. Witches of Eastwick way but loose any which way you can Dirty Harry The Witches Dirty Harry Witches of Eastwick

Try it again Spunk Dirty Harold Dirty Harold that sounds is that go on is Harry short for Harold yeah

is it short for Henry no it is I know that I know Gareth and Slust did a thing about names Harry is short for Henry my granda Harry

is called Henry how is Harry short for Henry it's not shorter I know but it's the thing about names Harry is short for Henry my granda Harry is called Henry how is Harry short for Henry it's not shorter I know but it's the same length it's a nickname for Henry

no it's not most people called Harry are called Henry no they're not at all Harry is short for Harold

Henry is short for Henry I think you're right if someone's called Harold probably they're called Harry as well

yeah but Henry's also get called Harry no they don't I tell you the only people who call Henry's Harry are people who are wrong.

You say my grandad's wrong? Yeah. I tell you what, I don't respect your grandad. My grandad is wrong in everything. This is something my grandad does. When he has his Sunday dinner, he takes his top off. Why?

Why? Let me get to the point. So the grandad rests his plate of dinner on his big fat belly, big fat hairy belly. And he just like shovels the dinner out of his mouth, right? But he just gets the dinner all over his tits. And then he goes for a wash.

You know what? Respect your elders, people say. Respect that guy. I I mean it's like he's kind of you know it's almost like he's introducing the food to his belly yeah

beforehand just teasing it just teasing it going hey you might be on there but you're gonna be in there soon yeah he's like

eating some of it and trying to get some of it in there through osmosis just pushing it through the skin massaging it into his skin a gravy base

oh my god that's horrific and this is my support structure you know this is how I come up I respect my elders I'm telling you

you're going to be the most miserable person you think so definitely nah it's not even going to take anything to turn you you'll just run out of happiness

I was so fucking cranky the other day like just out of nowhere I was I was just I think I've worked out what it was right so when i come into town i was like sitting before the best of english gig just on a couch reading my book yeah and other rackets just come and sat next to us reading a book show off i'm reading

salem's lot by stephen king you're still reading that sabrina's teenage witch's uh cat hasn't been in it yet she's's a chapter 19. Oh, it's Salem, wasn't it? Chapter 19. Her cat was called Salem? Yeah. Anyway, I am sat reading my book, and other comedians come and sit down next to us. Hey, there's construction going on outside.

I hope this isn't getting picked up on the mic. I don't think it is. Yeah, so we should explain. We're back in the crack then, and if you can hear it, there's construction. If you can't hear it, in the background then and if you can hear it there's construction if you can't hear it in the background we've got construction noise so this construction starts

at 6am every morning and literally shakes our house at 6am in the morning it's real annoying it's really annoying what the building? I don't know

I don't think they're building anything I was going to say I haven't seen anything getting built there but I've seen loads of I think what's happened is so around us is like

so there's this we're here in this house and then around us there's loads of apartment blocks going up and I think it's just builders going just keep wrecking their head

till they sell us the plot of land I was going to say this plot of land they clearly just want to plough through this because it's bringing down the neighbourhood right

and also there's a view of the lake right there yeah if they put up a block of flats here they're going to make a fortune but they've just got this little fucking shanty crack so i think they're just trying to make it as terrible as possible to live here so it's cranky before the english gig and um people are just coming up and chatting it was like you do i'm backstage at a gig or as backstage as we could be in the in the little alcove area and people

are coming chatting and i just felt like they They were interrupting us And I was just getting mad And then when I went To my next gig There was an act In the DJ booth And I was just like Oh can you just fuck off I just want to sit down

And be on my own And like those I don't know what got into us And then I saw There was a full moon No I'm telling you man I'll tell you what I'll get into you

The full moon's legit No I'm telling you I'll get into you You're nearly at the bottom Of your happy barrel Nah Nah I'm telling you You're like You're like when the batteries are running out on a wireless microphone.

And they're just cutting out. On your Walkman. Yeah. On your Walkman. Hey, when I went to Leicester, I went to Leicester Comedy Festival last year. And I saw cassette tape wrapped around a tree. It was like going back in time 20 years. But yeah, that's what I think it is.

That's what I think. is that's what I think you're getting to the bottom of your barrel well I'd say you're one year away from misery nah one year

I'm saying I'm planning it I'm saying it today February 13th 2017 this is your last year of happiness right

start your clock so when we're in Australia this time next year doing another podcast because Sloss and Woff fucked up again yeah

you're gonna be miserable I'm gonna have a fucking big blow and waff fucked up again yeah you're gonna be miserable i'm gonna have a fucking big blowout of happiness this year then um yeah you want to you want to enjoy yourself a bit more yeah i should have more fun you're not having a great time um so the full moon thing i want to talk about this what day was that because uh fuck day before yesterday sund Sunday. Monday. Saturday. Good work. Saturday. Just go through them all and you'll get it eventually.

Monday, Tuesday. Happy days. So, the full moon, I thought it was down to that the, right, because I'm not superstitious

in any way, but I honestly believe because we work with crowds, every time there's a full moon the crowd acts a bit weird. Yeah, yeah. And then like, And you change your attitude

a tiny bit as well because you think they're going to be a bit weird yeah and my girlfriend uh finds herself getting like feeling a lot more hormonal and shit like that and then attributes it to the half the full moon and um so i'm kind of i've patterned it that it's it is a thing that happens so you try and work out the science of it because you're not superstitious so my my science of it was that because the moon affects the tides with the gravity yeah right where we are more than 80 percent water so that could also shift the water on us and we're just a fucking big bag of chemicals so if it moves the water on us then it can move the chemicals around but then i spoke with sloss's dad yeah and um he was just like no we're not a large enough body of water for the gravity to be

affected by gravity yeah but um if i was to apply logic to it it would be because of this it'll be primal because when the moon's full that is when a lot of hunting is done in the wild and a lot of things are hunted yeah so we've got this like gut reaction from when we're cavemen to go when we're like rudimentary tools fucking level to go hunting and watch out for predators. So we are predator and prey. So we're on edge. So we're on edge. Like shit's going down just because the moon's out.

Okay. So I just fucking howled at it for about an hour and I was fine. That got you over it? I mean, that's one theory. And then some like hair sprouted off my back and then... The other theory is you're running out of happiness. Nah.

Which is more logical nah very happy I think you're 364 days away from just like slitting your wrists hey

do it long ways do it long ways none of this cry for help shit don't give a chance we don't want to find you listen I don't want

the hassle of helping you alright down the vein I just want to make one. Listen, I don't want the hassle of helping you. Right down the vein. I just want to make one phone call to the coroner. I'll have to run speed dial. They can do a visual

check on me. I'll FaceTime them. It'll be fine. Just put them in the green bin. You'll get collected on Tuesday. It goes down on Tuesday.

Is this going to be the refuse bin or recycle only? Refuse. Refuse, but put them in a bag. We'll get collected on Tuesday. It goes down on Tuesday. Is this going in the refuse bin or recycle only? Refuse. Refuse, but put them in a bag. Put them in a bag. We'll not take it if you don't put it in a bag.

And then you open it on fucking Wednesday. Don't have the arm hanging out the edge or we won't take it. You open it on Wednesday and they're like, oh,

they fucking left it. I sent them in a bag. After leaving, Kai again. And look, they took the neighbour's dead buddy. Oh,

nightmare. That's because they chopped that up and put it in a bag. Fuck. Go and put it in the bag fuck go and uh go and put it in the next door uh i have added to the chronicle of dumb things that i've done while i've been tired okay so i've uh i've refrained from telling you this because i wanted to get your reaction on the podcast yeah so you've done tried to you couldn't leave a cafe because the close sign was inside

yep you i think the number one at the close sign was inside. Yep. I think the number one at the minute, and you can decide whether this takes the number one spot. Okay. It definitely competes with number one spot. I cycled at the wrong path. Yeah, that's pretty bad. That is a pretty bad one. But that's bad, but also no internet.

It was an oversight. It was a small oversight that had a big repercussion. Technically, it's Google's fault for not changing your location to Australia. There's a number of elements, but I still didn't... You also tried to chopstick a full-boiled egg and ruin the cafe. And I absolutely decorated the cafe and not myself. Yeah. I still don't understand how I had it. What else have you done?

There's a few others. We won't go through them all. So this is the most recent one. But this has got an extra layer to it as well, right? Yeah. So I'm going to tell you what happened right yeah so I'm going to tell you what happened and then I'm going to tell you

the extra layer of what happened on the story okay so I'm excited I've been making the same boring meal every day oh god what are you making

I'm making brown rice with chicken done in coconut oil oh my god with some spinach some broccoli you've seen the shape of me at the minute

do you want to see no I'm fucking looking pretty good the podcast got up as well podcast listeners we've got new haircuts you can't see that but we pretty good new haircuts yeah we didn't go together by the way check me buddy out i'm going to show you my body and you're going to describe it okay jesus christ this podcast is getting weirder and weirder so it's tops off uh yeah it's pretty good you've got yeah good center definition um you've got yeah good center definition you've got yeah you've got your solar plexus

is definitely showing the whole time you've bruises everywhere from being attacked in your jujitsu class apparently and yeah you've got almost

two of your six pack yeah no you're good your penis is like kind of purple whoa whoa whoa whoa I don't know why I took my trousers off Yeah, no, you're good. Your penis is like kind of purple. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I actually don't know why I took my trousers off for that.

I'm not even wearing a onesie. That just reminded me. Sloss had been training with his personal trainer quite a bit. This was when I still lived in Edinburgh. And he walked through and he's like just fucking getting changed and chatting away to his right and he caught us looking at his body and he was like are you checking me out?

and I was like, aye bud, I'm just seeing what you've got I'm not like, it's not sexual I'm just having a look I don't want to touch it or anything I had a similar thing the last year or the year before when we were getting ready for Betadorm and I'd be want to touch it or anything I had a similar thing the last year or the year before when I was getting ready we were getting ready for Betadorm

and I'd be going to like that electro blast trainer guy that I was going to and of course you put up in like the WhatsApp group and everybody just goes and then Sloss messaged me directly he was like

just want to say man you're in really good shape honestly like in a non-sexual way I love looking at dudes're in really good shape honestly like in a non-sexual way I love looking at dudes

that are in good shape I just like the look of it alright fine it is sexual what just happened

it's almost like relationship goals why do you think I go to this gym I don't even train I'm not comfortable I just sit in the corner

with my dick in my hand that was fucking hilarious when Sluss caught us checking him out I was like I'm just seeing what you've got just acting out lunch a lot of things

just jealous of your work of course I'm looking at you just looking at what you like, I'm just seeing what you've got. Just acting out lunch a lot. Just jealous of your work. Of course I'm looking at you, just looking at what you've got, mate. Just looking at what you've got to offer. So how has your week been going since last week? So hold on. Oh, go on.

We're talking about my healthy eating. Oh, your healthy eating. Oh God. My mistake. I can't believe I forgot about this subject. So right, every fucking day I'm having the same fucking meal,

right, where I'm cooking brown rice, I'm boiling brown rice and then I'm frying some chicken and I'm putting some spinach in with it and i'm boiling some broccoli and then uh in the end uh pour the um strain the rice and pour the rice in crack an egg fried rice yeah which as well do you remember i remember the egg fried rice i've got this neat trick you put the rice in the pan and then you put an egg in and you mix it up with the egg. And it's fucking like just a bit of extra protein for you.

It's like healthy, but it makes it less dry and like a lot nicer. And Elliot was like, do you think you've just invented egg fried rice? I thought it did. I thought it was my idea. I tweeted it out and everything. That's what egg fried rice is. It was an excellent idea. The clue's in the title.

The clue's in the title. Let's pause it for a moment because I think that head streamer is very loud. Right, let's pause it and take my top back off. So we're back in a different room with less background noise, but only slightly less. Yeah, and also...

Hopefully none of it's picking up. Yeah, if there's no background noise, we haven't just moved for no reason. So I'm listening to an audio book and I'm making my dinner right and the next move i've got to do is to strain the rice through the sieve into the sink and then pour the rice into the wok with the chicken and the spinach simple as that simple as that right simple as that so i'm just listening away to my audiobook and i pick up the pan full of rice and water i get the sieve

i hold the sieve over my chicken and poured the entire boiling water into my wok of chicken and my chicken and the spinach just floated to the top of the wok. Now see, I thought you did this. I thought Natalie had done this. Yeah.

And that's what you were showing us in the WhatsApp group the other day. Oh yeah, shit, I did a screen cap because I wanted to explain to you what I'd done. We thought it was Natalie

had done that. Is that why you didn't slag us? Yeah. Because you just let her off with it. Yeah, so we were like... Because I didn't want to explain what I'd done. We thought it was Natalie had done that. Is that why you didn't slag us? Yeah. Because you just let her off with it? Yeah, so we were like... Because I didn't want to explain to you what I'd done. Because you were going, oh, you think you're having a bad day, look at this.

And then you showed us that, and I was like, oh, poor Natalie. Did you? But if it was you, I would have gone, oh, what's wrong with you, Kai? Yeah. You should have done it. Natalie would have had total, like,

oh, fucking everyone makes mistakes. Well, yeah, we've all been there, Natalie. We've all done something dumb. Hashtag save Natalie. But the minute it's me, it's like, oh, fucking everyone makes mistakes. Well, yeah, we've all been there, Natalie. We've all done something dumb. Hashtag save Natalie. But the minute it's me, it's like, you're a fucking loser. You're an idiot. Now, who does that? Who does that?

Who cooks? Yeah, Natalie does it. Oh, I did it the other day. Did you do it? I'm doing it right now. I've done it twice already. I'm going to do it right now just to see how you feel. I haven't even ate any chicken.

I'm vegetarian. What am I going to do? Just to be with you on this one. Solitarity. Hashtag feminism. Hashtag. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm vegetarian but I'm going to do it just to be with you on this one solidarity hashtag feminism hashtag oh Jesus Christ hashtag that's when I

sluss his lanes from his sets but I give him it so it's fine well it's better when you deliver yeah that was a good

connection man it's getting noisier back here I know it's like are they purposefully choosing the side of the house that we're at

I think it's actually I think it's slussing what what do over there I think they're trying to ruin side of the house that we're at? I think it's actually, I think it's Sloss and Wah. What do? Are we there? I think they're trying to ruin it. Oh, should we go and see the house? No. I won't give them the satisfaction.

Yeah, let's go back to the other room. Right, pausing it here. Fucking hell. So we're back in the other room, which is the less original two rooms. Like, how are you even living here? It's like being in Vietnam. In the 70s, of course. I'll be honest.

I don't know. Just nice and tranquil. Good beaches. I don't think it's being like being in Vietnam. In the 70s, of course. I'll be honest. I don't know. Just nice and tranquil. Good beaches. I don't think it's like being in Vietnam in the 70s. I heard explosions go off. A guy walked by in a ghillie suit. Yeah, but that's just Australia. Fair enough.

So the extra layer of me being a fucking douchebag. So what did you do then? Did you have to cook it off? That's what I do. I just poured the rice back into the pan. extra layer of me being a fucking douchebag. So what did you do then? Did you have to cook it off? I poured the rice back into the pan. I used it because I needed the sieve back. And I sieved the chicken and spinach back into the sink and then put that in the wok and then put the rice in.

So you just essentially made a rice pan dish? I just washed it. You just made paella. Paella. So the extra layer of the story, right, is so I've got my bed lids on noise reducing headphones which i always brag about on the podcast yeah i've got my qc 35s on both quite comfortable this is not an ad i hope i get a kickback off them um so i've got my fucking headphones on engrossed in my book right and when i've done this stupid move and pulled the bottom

wall i enter the walk I take my headphones off because I know Dan's pottering about Dan Willis who I'm living with I take my headphones off and I'm just like

oh my god what the fuck am I doing I'm an idiot and then realise that the whole while Dan has been chatting away to us fucking yapping on blah blah blah

about his blah blah blah about his visa thing like it's something to do with his tax returns and you can only backdate when he got his visa and he's he's just like um he's doing something with his taxes yeah so he does a lot of talking out loud in my direction yeah like you do when you're doing something mundane like taxes so he's doing that and i just realized he was talking to us the minute i take my headphones off the minute i've just poured the water into the walk.

And then I just went, dude, I'm just going to pause you there a minute. Have you seen what I've just done? I've just poured the fucking boiling water into the walk thinking he's just going to be like, oh, you're a douchebag and just do basically what you would do if you saw that I'd done that. Just fucking slam everything on us because I deserved it. And you know when you do something dumb, it's nice for someone to see it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, like if you trip over on the street, how much better is it when someone just goes, ha, I saw you fall. Yeah, yeah. Than if you're just looking around and no one's seen you. And there's always that little cloud of tension that follows you around after you've tripped. And then if someone just like pops that bubble, it's fine. Yeah, exactly. Because it's like, it happened.

We all do it. We'll laugh at me slapstick. Yeah. Right? So, I'm just going to stop you there a minute. Have you seen what I've done here? we all do it we laughed at me slapstick yeah right so I stopped I'm just going to stop you there have you seen what I've done here and he just looks and goes

ah and then carried on talking about his taxes and I was like honestly that's it you're just going to not acknowledge

that I've just poured water oh we're talking about your taxes now alright okay I'll talk about your taxes while I pour this into the pan and finger wood I'll just leave there I am so you just

you just missed being slammed. Well, that just takes a certain level of psychopath to not acknowledge a fucking, something funny happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something made, like, that's quite a funny fucking incident. But maybe funny to Dan is tax problems. Yeah. Maybe he's, like, into tax problems. Maybe he's like, why aren't you slugging me about my tax problems?

I just made eye contact with him like solid eye contact while I slowly put my headphones back on while he was talking you pulled a Hitler on him so I've never

heard that phrase before you ever heard that phrase where you just keep staring at somebody when they're talking

and then they keep talking and apparently this is what Hitler used to do and then people would eventually just

crack having that fortitude to not talk I'd love to have met i do that with a lot of my gigs the audience do it to me yeah they stare at me i've seen that 20 minutes by the end i'm like why doesn't my mommy love me and then you trip over and no one acknowledges it and then i pour boiling water onto a chicken everybody's like live chicken not anymore died of scalded and like

if I met Hitler I'd get his autograph get his autograph I reckon I'd be worth a bit I'd do a selfie do you not reckon the autographs

the serial killers and like murderers and like fucking genocidal leaders would be worth more than you know day-day celebrity. Because say Brad Pitt, right? People are fucking swarming him asking for his autograph.

Oh, I got your autograph, Brad. And he's dishing the mood. That 10 a penny, right? But nobody's chasing around Peter Sutcliffe and asking for his autograph. Yeah, but I think if you've got a serial killer's autograph, you're probably dead. You know what I mean?

That's the danger of it. That's because of the worth. Imagine someone's like, oh, Hitler, do you mind giving us this autograph, please? Can you put it to Kai? Oh, no, it's my last birthday. Can you say,

happy birthday, Natalie? Love, Hitler. Love, Hitler. Apparently he never... Somebody said this the other day that he when all the

when all the stuff he was ordering to be done or whenever he would visit gas chambers and things like that he would insist that no everything was pat tested

yeah he was very into hygiene Cogu Cogu registered he wouldn't allow anything to happen in front of him because he was really squeamish it was not really weird

oh so he couldn't like stomach the things he was doing so you just look away yeah yeah yeah oh my god yeah yeah oh shit so you should probably close your eyes and put your head in the sand when you do your jokes yeah well that's what i do when you put audience for your jokes hasn't worked at all no just if anything just it gets bigger laughs it's weird i'm trying to not get laughs rounds of applause i'm sorry i was joking you don't have any jokes. Yeah, I know. Classic banter. It was last night you were on with me,

wasn't it? Yeah. You don't do any jokes. It's great. No, nothing at all. You've got a fucking hit rate more than anyone but you haven't

done a single bit. Yeah, now obviously the difference is the bit you saw me do last night. Yeah, you've done this whole podcast off notes.

It's script. That's why only four out of five jokes work. That's why you always struggle right in the muggle corners. Yeah, it is. Because you can only come up with shit on the spot. Yeah, yeah. You can't come up with stuff that you need later.

Yeah, last night I was hosting the pub crawl. So the pub crawl over here is where it's three different gigs, essentially, in three different venues. So I host it and bring audiences between bring the audience to each venue and then the last one we join up with your best of British show on a Sunday so it's a kind of a weird vibe at the start of that show because I've obviously done loads of interaction and setup and things like that with 50 people and then we go and join another 50 people who don't know what's going on you're quite another 50 yeah it's almost like I go

previously on this gig there's a lot of in jokes from the previous one that you you have to you do you have to go previously on this game and do the preamble uh but there was a great one that progressed over the free shows last night yeah yeah so there was a girl in uh with her parents uh shenaid was her name so she was single and then so i was like oh who are the single guys in the room there's one guy called sam who was single as well so then i went okay here's what we're gonna do is uh we're gonna set you up as the night goes on so when we get to the next venue i want you to introduce yourself to shanae on the way over to the next venue and then sit with her in the next venue but with her parents so like a chaperone date yeah for the second gig so when they all went in when the crowd all went in they

didn't sit with each other and then sam stood up and waved her over to sit with him. And it was like, the crowd were all like, woo. So then I made the parents sit beside for that gig and it was all fine and everything. And then we got to the third gig. I was like,

the two of you now sit together in the front row of the third gig on their own. So like their first date. And that's what happened in the third gig. And then he ditched her

at the end of the night. What, he just popped smoke? He just disappeared. Not even like, hey, it's been great I'm off nice to meet you here's my number just out of there

he was just like in the worst case he couldn't have based that on a crack because he's been at a comedy gig he was loving it he was great fun

and she was a beautiful 20 year old girl from Ireland he was like a very handsome 20 year old guy from Australia I mean it was in the court possibly a gay guy

that was just playing along no no no no no definitely not because I tried to give him a handjob none of it nah

I mean you might just have standards no gay people don't just like accept any handjob best joke I've ever done I'm gay okay any guy

any cock for me that's the rules that's the rules so yeah so last night that final section was great fun it was packed

in that room again it's always packed on the Sundays in there it's a good vibe you were on lovely Norman Lovett was on just to ramp things up

yeah so Norman Lovett is Holly from Red Dwarf Holly's Holly from Red Dwarf. Holly, male Holly from Red Dwarf. Who's the computer screen, the mainframe of the ship. Yeah, exactly. And he's on, and so fucking mind-blowing for people that are Red Dwarf fans, for 80s babies. Exactly, yeah. He was so bizarre.

Like, I liked what he was doing, but you could tell why it split the room. Of course, of course. Like, some people loved it, and some people are like, what the fuck is happening here? Well, I went up to him beforehand, and I was like,

as you do to all acts who you've, like, worked with for the first time, and I was like, is there any way you want me to introduce you? Is there anything specifically you want to say? And he goes, listen, the only thing I hate is,

and I thought he was going to say, when hosts go, this is the life of Red Dwarf. That's what I thought he was going to say, and he goes, the only thing I hate is... And I thought he was going to say, when hosts go, this is the life of Red Dwarf. That's what I thought he was going to say. And he goes, the only thing I hate is when an MC says, make some noise. So if you could not do that.

And I was like, no, that's all I want to do. Like, what is that? Of all the things to tell me not to do, of the 999 things to tell me not to do, that's not what I'd be thinking. I could have gone up there and went, well, this guy's a beautiful. And you wouldn't be able to go out to me because I'd go, you didn't tell me not to do. That's not what I'd be thinking. I could have gone up there and went, well,

this girl's beautiful and you wouldn't be able to go out to me because I'd go, you didn't tell me not to say that. I'd say, what do you want me to say?

Not what do you not want me to say. That's such a weird thing as well. When he come on, he was like, there's curtains at the side and he instantly asked for people to close them curtains and he did that

the last time I saw him as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think he's like really particular about some stuff. Really OCD about situations, yeah. And then,

yeah, he had the mic stand was gashed last night and it wasn't like that for the first gig so somebody broke it in the middle gig the best of Edinburgh

because it was fine so he wants the mic stand to be like by his chin so he can do his show and then he's just fanning on with it so much

he's like making a joke out of it because he's like so casual you know if you've been doing comedy for 30 plus years. It doesn't matter. You stop giving a fuck.

Yeah. Like that's probably his, I'm going to say, easily 9,000 gig. Yeah. Over 30 years. So he's like not stopping with his mic stand stick

until it's right for him. And I was just there. And someone just went, just take it out the stand and then he went no I'm not one of them comedians that like grabs the mic out the stand

and just walk around like hey and he's like doing an impression of walking around going hey and I'm like me and Stanley

have just literally took the mic out the stand and I was like there you go well I'm not the type of comedian that fannies on with a fucking mic stand

I'm not the type of comedian who hasn't got a laugh for the first seven minutes that is unfair he did get laughs yeah no right just to make this clear

he got laughs yeah but by measure of fanning on with the make stand yeah yeah it was fine and he was fantastic

and I do want to make him it is that funny thing like I've had that happen before where like I had a comic do that before where they were like they jumped up on stage and they were like

oh how are you oh no I'm not one of those comics who just asks questions and makes jokes out of it and they were like, oh, how are you? Oh, no, I'm not one of those comics who just asks questions and makes jokes out of it. And I was like, that's just what I did for 12 minutes in front of you

and they were fine with it. Oh, that's such a, that's such a muggle thing as well. Such a comic muggle thing. But a comic muggle, like a specific, they just go, oh, I'm not the type of comic

that does this. Yeah, yeah. Or whatever. It's like, I'm not the type of comic that says I'm not the type of something. Yeah.

It's like yeah fucking bellend yeah bellend it's not like comparing yourself to your fucking peers like you're better than them yeah exactly exactly

it's such a weird thing oh god but it's it's been good the whole so far this whole thing has been nice

yeah it's been great haven't had the rugby this weekend again as well yeah I've like lost touch with all sport. I've checked the Newcastle results, but I haven't even watched the UFC because I've been actually training myself

at that time of day. Get yourself ready. Yeah, I was just waiting for the call. 2.10. I stayed up for the first time past midnight the other day. Oh, God. Till four in the morning.

Don't tell people this. Getting on it. No, you weren't getting on it. I was? You four in the morning. Don't tell people this. Getting on it. No, you weren't getting on it. I was? You weren't. I? I was?

You weren't getting on it. I was getting on it. You weren't getting on it. I had the wildest night. There was a horse. There was porn. You're such an idiot. Oh my God.

I want to end this podcast right now. I played chess till four in the morning. The wildest night I've had. Why would you tell people? It was like one o'clock in the morning. I'm like, oh, pass me bedtime but I till four in the morning the wildest night I've had why would you tell people it was like one o'clock in the morning

I'm like oh pass me bedtime but I'll have another game don't mind if I do who are you playing against Kerry he's fucking good man of course he's good

he's fucking great he was probably drinking as well he had a couple of beers and beating you just though yeah just because he's letting you just lose

nah yeah there were good games. I'm a pretty handy chess player. Yeah, of course you are. My grandad taught us. Oh, God. The one who eats his dinner off his belly.

Absolute horse shit. That was like his little chicken hawk. Teaching how to chess where's the king it's in your mashed potatoes grandad the pawns hanging out of your gravy nipple it's in the plug hole

it's in the plug hole of the bath because you just fucking washed it off your belly what a mess your house is oh god one grandad who plays chess and the other who eats a sundae roast off his stomach yeah that was my life I had like

fucking routines about that how like one of me grandads is just like this dirty old man and me grandad Henry the other one

eats dinner off his chest and my grandad Pete was a war veteran who taught us how to play chess oh god taught us

me pays and queues why I'm such a nice mannered man give it up for Pete Give it up for Pete. Give it up for Pete Pete. Pete dog. Pete doggy. Pete hum fittle.

I feel like I'm losing my mind in this room now. Yeah, it's a sweat pit. Should we do some muggle stuff? Let's do muggle stuff. Yeah. I struggled again to do my muggle stuff.

Yeah, because you can't... The cone's under there somewhere. You can't write jokes. I don't think it is. I think it's somewhere you can't write jokes i don't think it is i think it's leaving the other room i think it's in the more noisy of the two noisy you go get it and i'll entertain people while you're gone how's that please do kai's leaving the room right now oh my god no put boxes on before you leave he's literally he can't how can you not find the room you're going to it's just this is literally a one story house with one corridor

CMB is now walking by as well he's just finished watching WWE for the day good Kai's back did you get it

oh god what a mess what a mess of a situation close the door fully I don't want those people coming back in alright

right go on to the muggle stuff I didn't Philippe. I don't want those people coming back in. All right. All right, go on. To the muggle stuff. I didn't chat about you much while you were gone. You didn't say much? No. I'll probably listen to it sometime when I edit it.

Wait. I've just opened my fucking book instead of me. Oh, what is wrong with you? Open your muggle stuff. I've got my muggle stuff. All right.

So my first... Go on. Describe what a muggle is. So a muggle stuff i've got my muggle stuff all right so my first go on describe what a muggle is so a muggle is someone who just has no imagination in their routines that exist the same every day a muggle if i had to describe a muggle right now it would be kai humphries the same meal every day i ain't no muggle same workouts every morning muggles do z snaps when they're not black women like kai humphries just did kai humphries is right now the most muggly person i've ever met muggles don't z snap yeah and you didn't z snap are you doing kai humphries is the most if you look up muggle right now... I'm a strong, independent black woman.

You're very muggly right now. You are. Playing chess, getting my time. Playing chess before I am working out twice a day. I'm fucking sharpening my mind and sharpening my body. Sharpening your mind?

You couldn't leave a cafe for an hour the other day because you thought it was closed from the inside. Yeah, because I hadn't been playing chess then. Now I have. Yeah, but since you played...

Look at me now. Since you played chess... Look at me now. It took me three doors before I got the one where my phone was in. Since you played chess look at me now it took me three doors before I got the one where my phone was in since you played chess you literally

decided to boil chicken that was already cooked nah it was before the chess oh much better sharpening my own sharpening my body sharpening my tools you're definitely

more of a tool I agree with that I've got sharp tools these days I ain't muggly pretty muggly. Pretty muggly. So we're going to throw a few things out there and discuss them and decide whether they make you muggly.

And hey, the individual action that we decide upon is the muggle thing. It doesn't mean you're a muggle. We're not writing you off as a person. It's not a character assassination. Don't get angry. Anybody that gets angry at being told something to do is muggly is a fucking muggle. Such a muggle.

So don't get upset if we put you in the corner. Yeah. Gareth. Gareth. What? So my first muggle corner is people that can't just enjoy junk food or cake or just some like sugary foods

without bleating on about when they're going to start a diet. I'll tell you what's funny is one of my muggle things is people who order takeaway foods but don't get the meal.

You know what I mean? Like they'll get a pizza and then you'll go 50 pence more you can get some wedges. Yeah, they don't really want the wedges though.

Just get them. Yeah. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I 100% can get some wedges yeah I don't really want the wedges though just get them yeah doesn't matter doesn't matter 100% and the only reason I didn't do one you just did is because I figured

it had already been done what that people bleed on about that diet yeah I just hate like so fucking having a burger with someone and they're like

oh fucking diet starts on Monday yeah I'm gonna straight in I don't even need to discuss this one I'm just like I'm just gonna enjoy the shit out of this burger and I'm fucking gonna work out when I feel like it in I don't even need to discuss this one I'm just like I'm just gonna enjoy the shit out of this burger

and I'm gonna work out when I feel like it exactly you don't need to preach to me it's you you're lying to I went to churros the other day churros is this like

san churros that like churros place on how many times have I said churros in one sentence yeah what is churros churros with a ch yeah

churros churros what does it mean it's like a Mexican dessert. It's like those little kind of dough, kind of like fluffy dough dipped in sugar. Like meringue? And then fried.

No, no, no, no, no. Not like meringue. Meringue's not dough. Like churros? Like churros. Oh, cool. Yeah, yeah, like churros. So there's one of those on Northbridge here in Perth.

And so I went in there with Bonnie the other day and she's all about eating this girl Bonnie she's all about eating meals as many meals she can have

she works out like twice a day foodie she's a personal trainer no not a foodie because she's a personal trainer as well so it's more just she just eats fuel

you know so we went in there and she was like I was like looking at this platter going look at that platter it's massive she goes you should totally get it and I was like no I'm not going to get it she's like what are you saying you can't in there and she was like I was like looking at this platter going look at that platter it's massive she goes you should

totally get it and I was like no I'm not going to get it she's like what are you saying you can't eat it and I was like I'll fucking eat it right now

so I got it and it was first of all it was for three people which I did not know and then she just got strawberries I was like

you're a motherfucker and then I ate the whole thing and I thought I was going to die anyway the whole time just going oh I'm going to start on Monday. I was like, I was talking to strangers.

My diet starts Monday. But it was like a bowl of churros, a bowl of pretzels, a whole fudge brownie. And it was the day we had a brownie as well. Yeah. It was that same day. You're a fat raid. A bowl of fondue chocolate get your top off

let me see what you've got no it's already off this is it off it looks like a top you drew that on that's your tan lane but it was that total thing of then

I was just eating it going yeah but I'll just it doesn't matter I'll just work out tomorrow fuck man just have some balance yeah

and oh stop talking because if you haven't got balance, stop talking, you haven't got balance. Yeah. Just enjoy the shit out of it. Just enjoy it.

I have actually had that fucking swing of the pendulum where I've just been eating shit and I've been drinking shit and I'm paying fucking good money on the shit I'm eating and shit I'm drinking. I am not going to not enjoy it.

Yeah. I'm not going to have it with a fucking, can I have the super sized fucking quarter pounder meal please with a side order of guilt. I'm going to enjoy the shit out of it. If there's guilt involved, don't have it.

No, you're totally right. You didn't put it on me. I was hungover maybe two weekends before I came here. It was just after New Year's, one weekend, and we were like, let's go hangover food.

And so we went to McDonald's because somebody wanted a Big Mac before we went to the chippers to get takeaway. Yes. You're like, that's how you do it. If you're going to do it, do it right. That's the way now. Don't have every chip thinking, oh, I shouldn't be doing this.

Just fucking get it down your chest. Wash it off. Yeah. Get your top off. Get your top off. Wash it off. Do it with Coke. Just pour Coke in your face and rub it off with coke just pour coke in your face

and rub it off with ice cream yeah have a great time just enjoy yourself sounds delicious yes 100% in the corner those people

diet starts tomorrow people yeah just enjoy it if you're gonna have junk food enjoy it you've made your decision yeah you know

like Trevor Brown has this great joke where he goes I'm trying to remember it's such a good joke I can't remember it it's a great joke oh he goes, I'm trying to remember. It's such a good joke, I can't remember it. It's a great joke. Oh, wow. You're doing this to us.

I forgot. You told me about a joke that exists that I'll never, ever know. I know. Thanks, man. Going into McDonald's and ordering a salad is like going into a brothel and ordering a salad. That's it. That's a good one. I remembered it.

Thanks, man. I'm glad for that. Thanks's it. There you go. That was a good one. I remembered it. Thanks, man. I'm glad for that. Thanks, Trev. At Trevor Brown. So, well, Donald, that was your one. Let me see. I've got two more now, I guess, because we've just used one of mine.

So, hold on. What was yours? Because let's discuss this. So, mine is like people who say, so, for example, there's a place in Ireland called Apache Pizza. So they do, in summer like 2013, they decided they were going to do $9.99 any pizza that's larger or above. So just $9.99, no matter what pizza, that's it.

And then they just extended it and it's just there now all the time. So like a 7-inch pizza is like $6.99, a 9-inch pizza is $8.99, a 12-inch pizza and a 16-inch pizza are $9.99. A nine inch pizza is 8.99. A 12 inch pizza and a 16 inch pizza are 9.99. That's it, right? And so people go, yeah, I'm going to get a 12 inch pizza. And it's like, why don't you just get a large one? Well, you know,

I don't want that much. But just get it. It doesn't matter. And I was like, yeah, but I don't want to eat too much pizza. Just get it. It's pizza. You know,

or like if a meal is one euro more and you get wedges and a drink, I don't want to eat too much pizza. Just get it. It's pizza. Or if a meal is one euro more and you get wedges and a drink, I don't want all that food, though. But you're eating a pizza. You know what I mean? It is bad maths, but sometimes I'll get the... It's not even the maths part. You know when you get two things and they'll go, hey, for an extra quid you can get the three.

No, but I'm not talking about... I go, but I only want two. I'll have two and a quid because that's what I want. I want the two, go but I only want two no I'm not talking I'll have two and a quid because that's what I want I want the two I want a quid but I'm not talking about the money part

right the money part is the irrelevant part I'm talking about like okay so the pizza is a better example then a 12 inch pizza is the same price

as a 16 inch pizza why would you not get the 16 inch pizza like when you we were at a grocery store the other day and you had a Pepsi that was like

£1.99 and then you saw one that was like £1.50 that was you saw one that was like $1.50 that was a bigger bottle of Pepsi. Why would you not get that one? You're like, that's a no-brainer. Nobody's going to go,

well, I only want this can. But get the bottle. It's more. Yeah, but that's that one. I just want the can. So you're basically

just putting ballers in the corner. Yeah, that's what it is. People have that too. If you're a baller, if you make it rain, you're in the corner.

Yeah. If you make it rain. Did I ever tell you about when me and Danny made it rain? No. Oh, in Vegas. made it rain no oh in Vegas muggins and cream in Vegas yeah yeah yeah

poor Matty poor Matty so we're both lying in bed at 12 in the day because we went to bed at 10am and I couldn't sleep because there was

something up my nose that was making us feel really awake Vic's vapor robe yeah it must have been and so I was lying there and I just I just fucking

had like a little bit of a huff with myself. I was just like, fucking 12 in the afternoon in Vegas, and I'm fucking lying in bed. Another bad mood. Lying in bed with two dudes. Another bad mood. I'm telling you, you run out of happiness. And then I went, I'm going to the casino, and Sloss was like, because fuck it. I was going to the casino.

He was like, well, I'm in. And Matty was just like rolled over and grunted. Classic Matty. Classic Matty. That's what he does on holidays. And then we went downstairs and instantly and grunted. Classic Matty. Classic Matty. That's what he does on holidays. And then we went downstairs and instantly won $1,000 between us. And come back up with $1,000 within 30 minutes or so.

And Matty was just there in bed. And we just took that because we had, I think it was $535 each. Because we both won the same bonus prize on one of the roulette tables. So we got the exact same amount. And we lined it up on my wrist and proper made it rain all over matty he's just lying there and we're making fucking dollar bills fucking fall out from the ceiling and uh it was just like a class scene but what you don't see in the music videos is you've got to pick that up yep you've got to get on your fucking hands and knees you've got to rub it around and then daddy's like i'm missing 12 dollars i was like oh there's some

in my shoe Maddy had $20 down and was like just jocks don't touch me and then do you know what Maddy I bought him a slice of pizza

it would be winnings yeah I tell you what I bet you you would have bought him two if it was two for one nah you would have I'm a baller

you can't put ballers in the corner you would have bought him two I'm telling you't put ballers in the corner. You would have on him too, I'm telling you. Nobody puts ballers in the corner. The rap version of Dirty Dancing.

So yeah, if you overlook a deal. You overlook a deal. I'm not sure about this one. That's not what I'm saying.

You know what I'm saying. If you overlook a meal deal. I mean, if you don't respect the meal deal. If you don't buy into the corporate market, then you're a muggle. Yeah, 100%.

Russia. That's not what I mean. You know what I mean. Because that's another thing. You know, like, if I went in and went, I'll have a 12-inch pizza, please. Hey, you can have a 16-inch pizza for the same price. 12-inch pizza, please. But if they went 16-inch, you'd go, okay.

I would go okay well then what are you talking about I don't think I'd be a muggle though you would if you didn't I think this is something anarchistic

about just going I want what I want I want what I want you can put any stipulations on it I'm going to get the thing I came in for fair enough

I'm not sure if you're a muggle for it I don't think yours goes in any of them it's not very frugal yours isn't going in either. It is frivolous. Oh, really?

You're doing that? I'm glad you did that. People who start a diet on Monday are fucking cool cats. That's fair enough. I want to know when people are starting diets. Are we putting people in the corner for that? Yours is going in the corner, definitely. Yeah, 100%.

But are we putting it for the people that overlook a deal? I think so. I think you're making it too simplistic, a deal I think so I think you're making I think you're making it too simplistic overlooking a deal I think you know what I mean

yeah okay you can have it for five seconds it's crept in I bet you Garrett does that fucking muggle no doubt

nah nah he's not overlooking a deal he probably gives them half the pizza back he probably cuts out the coupons fucking Garrett takes his coupons in

well I'll go on the one yeah muggles go on retweet sessions well people they like oh yeah like they just go down someone's feed and just like even if we posted a few over like the last couple of years yeah they're just like yeah just like just get off his dick just yeah exactly exactly. Just stop sucking. Sloss did this to Michael Legg. I know exactly who he was talking about. That's why I was totally laided on. Sloss did this to Michael Legg. He just banged out a lot of retweets because he liked one tweet that he wanted to do.

And he obviously didn't want to, he obviously doesn't retweet them that much maybe, so he didn't want to just do one out of the blue. So he just retweeted loads of them. It almost looked like, you know, when you follow, like, a thing that's got

a lot of followings, like, the 90s. Yeah. Right? It always puts on pictures of the Rugrats or whatever. Yeah.

And then all of a sudden, they'll start retweeting an account called, like, Weird Science. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it'll be, like, loads of, like,

scientific discovery pictures. Yeah. But they'll pop, like, seven out because they've clearly cut a deal with them to, like, put some other followers onto them. Yeah. It just looked like Sl seven out because they've clearly cut a deal with them to like put some of their followers onto them.

Yeah. It just looked like Sloss and Michael Legg had cut a little wager, like a little deal. Yeah, except Michael Legg wasn't retweeting any of his. Nah.

Michael Legg had nothing to do with it. He was just dragged into it. He was just having a good time. He just enjoyed the endorsement. Sloss just popped in and went, hey boys,

look, I love this guy. He actually follows Michael Legg around and just repeats everything he says yeah yeah he just shouts out what he says

like a retweet but in real life at gigs and everything yeah steals his jokes goes on after him does the same set doesn't even go on after him

interrupts him heckles him with the line he just did during the set shortly after on a delay like you know when you're making a phone call and there's like

you get your own voice coming back at you like a split second later yeah yeah how fucking annoying is that oh god your voice very this is a bad line i'm just going to call you back um people people think that that's when your phone's being tapped or if someone's listening in on your phone that's when you get the relay of your own voice really people actually think that well I said that people must think that I mean you heard it from me I mean once you hear things

from Kai now these days with his sharpened mind tool I mean this is post chess Kai post chess Kai PCK is there anything

not to believe what can you not believe but yeah that's it's the same it's like same on it's like i'm saying on facebook as well where you know they'll say they'll take up a they'll take up some hobby or something and then they'll just start like they'll post about that hobby 17 times

you know i mean uh i've done this as well like when i started running i posted up loads of running things like when i when i first took up like a multiple of the same thing so this is like that's a very different muggle corner so what you're saying is like sharing the people's stuff over and over

I'm saying it's probably to do with that kind of thing as well another thing that I got pointed out by it was actually James Allen

at the Glee James pointed out that like some people like this maybe is a bit like comedy specific but some comedians just like everything that a promoter

puts on even if it's not funny it's not insightful, it's not everything and he called it the brown thumbs brown thumbing it's because they'll get a notification going I'm here, remember me I've sold this it's comedy specific but i'm sure there's other workplaces and other industries and people listening to the podcast

can relate to it happens and everything when you just go oh that probably happens a lot with like girls as well where like a guy will be like in a girl's status because he likes that just notice me please yeah what's that it's out of sight out of sight out of mind kind of brown thumb and brown thumb and well if it's if you're doing with a girl, it's probably something else. Pink thumbing. Just thumb thumbing. Just browning. Wet thumbing.

Brown arse howling. Just so that you can flick your newspaper. It's just cock-up-er-arse. You've took it too far. I mean, how does this metaphor even work? Where's the cock-up button on Facebook on a status? You click on the like, and then you go across the ha-ha,

then the love, and then the sad, and then the angry, and then the crudely drawn penis. No, it's the aubergine. The aubergine. Yeah. Hey, on Facebook,

you know how... It is that order, isn't it? It's like, love, ha-ha. I don't know. I don't know. Cry face, and then angry face yeah right so this has happened to me a number of times like it's never went bad but it's always like diffusing the bomb when someone has a sad status they've made an announcement they've lost a relative there's something fucking bad happened and you want to acknowledge with the sad face you don't

click like but you want to do the sad face but to do the sad face you've got to go over the love and haha button to get there and it's just like don't click the wrong one see i don't even go that far i just click like because i don't consider like to be i like this i consider like to be i understand what's happening acknowledge yeah i'm thinking of you at this time yeah or if it's a really sad statement then I do aubergine wang splash. Yeah. Same thing. It's very, very...

Well, you just want to kiss on the face because that's sad. Yeah, that's what I mean. You know? Just get those tears away. Here's some more tears. I know what'll cheer you up. I know what'll cheer you up.

Bukkake. Yep. And just get it all down your chest and go have a bath like we've done it. Mixing it with the gravy. Bukkake Harry. Oh, God. Bukkake Harry. That's that film you're looking for that was the one the old clint eastwood porn star movie that i'd never seen bakaki harry bakaki harry dirty harry yeah that's the sequel yeah that's when he hasn't had to

shower nasty harry okay um so that's why when yeah muggles go on like retweet sessions or i guess they kind of overload on statuses and yeah of people they yeah yeah he's done multiple punches there um if you if you overload on the same thing if you retweet the same person a bunch of times in a row if you go on brown thumb and there's quite a lot there yeah pick one if you've got one of them going to go in the corner for 30 seconds if you're sl brown thumbing there's quite a lot there pick one if you've got one of them go in the corner for 30 seconds if you're slossing

you do all three five minutes in the corner while you're in there no phone in your hands retweet sessions while you're over there do push ups in the corner and then show us

what you've got this is my muggle corner cubicle pissers this is girls you can stay out of the corner for this one

because this is solely for guys no no no girls as well girls if you piss in the you can stay out the corner for this one because this is solely for guys no no no girls as well girls if you piss in the cubicle get in the corner get in the corner

you dirty bitches just a couple of girls with shiwis just sit there it's not even a shiwi just piss against the wall get in the corner why

the cubicle right so you'll go into the gents toilets and then you'll have the Roy Reynolds and then you'll have like one or two cubicles in a smaller toilet in a bar and you'll have people queuing for it, right?

Now the people queuing for it, you're going for a shit or you want cocaine. What? Right? Are you serious? I thought there was just loads of people with bowel issues.

Right, but every now and again you've got people queuing for the cubicles because they need to piss, and you're like, there's your rainbows there. Oh, and they're adding money. And I think this is because they get stage fright and they can't pee in front of other people. Right?

And I'm just like, just fucking pee in front of other people? I could pee right now. Right? We're fully dressed on your bed. I don't even need to pee. Good, because it's not my bed. It's Josh's bed, so go for it.

Watch. Go on. You haven't gone. Oh, you're not making us are you you just misproved your point are you making us piss myself yeah fuck off you just said you could do it

I could like you just said you could do it it's Josh's bed it's not my bed no I'm trying Josh just moved out so go on go on

I'll see the web patch or no web patch I have to pull this face look at my face. I can feel it creeping to the end of my dick. I've got no change of clothes. Are you doing it?

Yeah. No, I can't see anything. Hold on. I'll get my dick out so you can see. Oh, God. Right. I've just pissed a little bit

out the end of my cock. Right? I don't see any... Oh, yeah. I can see a web patch. That's hilarious. Right. So what I'm saying is...

This podcast just took a twist. That's hilarious. Right. So what I'm saying is... This podcast just took a twist. Granda Harry. Fucking, don't fall too far from the tree, son. I'll tell you what, while I pissed myself, I could have just moved

Rook Pond 76, no problem. Yeah, so I've just pissed Josh's bed just to prove a point. Sorry, Josh. But who are the fucking... This dude, Khan? Me mate Khan? Yep.

He needs to piss in a cubicle. So I... What, are you fucking getting there and pulling your pants from your ankles so I piss in cubicles now I really need the rest of my piss

but not when there's a queue you know what I mean oh yeah if the rails are full fucking wrap in no no I don't even even if the even if it's a

like if I walk into the toilet and there's nobody like there's there's three cubicles free I'll go to a cubicle well that's alright then you're just a muggle yeah but I don't I don't even I don well that's alright then you're just a muggle yeah but I don't

I don't even close the door you're still a muggle why because you're a fucking cute little boy like oh I don't want to hide my penis and I'm a little bit nervous

about peeing in front of other people no no hold on I go into the cubicle but then I piss out the door you don't let me finish you piss out the way yeah people have to limbo

I sit down on the toilet and piss up in an arc well I'm just sick of people going to piss in the cubicles because I toilet and piss up in an arc well i'm just sick of people going to piss in the cubicles because i just want to see what they've got not a gay way i just like look at guys um i but put a stipulation on this one if there's a queue for the cubicle and they still queue then they're in the corner if there's urinals free yeah i suppose so right because it's just the urinal yeah you know it's just the urinal

if everything's free but if the urinal's free and the cubicles are full and you're all queuing to go in the cubicle then you're in the corner oh what a fucking wet blanket

of a person you are yeah what a muggle the only thing more wet than that person is your boxers right now and you know if you get stage fright

right if you get to the urinal you whip your cock out and you can't pee guess what you don't need to pee put your cock away and get out you fucking weird what you don't need to pee put your cock away and get out you

fucking weirdo no don't put your cock away you've taken it out don't waste it fucking do some windmills with it have a shot like

give a pass around right so like I've got a bit of piss in us now and right none hit Josh's bed well Josh has moved out so it's all good piss in his bed if

you want finish your piss I need the rest of my piss now this is my last one my last muggles and this is a very because i'm in australia specific one muggles keep asking how's my tan yes how's the tan going people go oh how's your tan oh they mean it in two ways one because i don't get a tan and two because i'm in australia but i'm not trying to get a tan it's people that are physically in front of you yeah and they're just like oh right can you not

say it yeah what do you want us to take your top off and show you what i've got everybody keeps asking oh you guys the town coming along great fun so yeah there's no even need to discuss it it's just what are you asking for you didn't know they'll ask that and then they won't ask how the gigs are going you know I wasn't even annoyed by it

but it definitely happened a lot I got my haircut this week yeah everyone mentions your haircut everyone except for Chris Henry who said this after I got my haircut

oh have you had your haircut oh no it's longer no Chris it's not longer I think you've had too many beers tonight man you're going to the hairdresser can you put three inches on the top please well that's what he did then it got hard seven inches

it wasn't on the top it was at your bottom brown thumb so yeah fucking put that in as well right mentioning someone's haircut yeah i don't know what it is it's so weird as well. You're so vulnerable when you walk out with the hairdressers. Yeah, yeah. You just like,

just birth out of the hairdressers with a whole new haircut that people are going to mention. You're just like, a little bit self-conscious about it. I used to bring a cap to the hairdressers and then like,

have them like, put gel and everything in my hair and then go, yeah, thank you. They walk out and put my cap on straight away. Then go home, wash my hair and fix it.

Then used a little like, cutthroat razor to like, shave around the side, you know, like cut the line in it then used a little like cutthroat razor to like shave around the side you know like cut the line in and I had a little tan line

can you see it like a little white outline of my haircut what are you telling me about I've got a new haircut I see how the tan's

going now both of those are going in the corner yes so what's your last one we're cracking on here as well

this is one that I'd like to further discuss but we haven't got too much time left we'll bash through it we'll put it two minute time in asking permission from a partner like your husband your wife your girlfriend

boyfriend like asking permission rather than just discussing a thing that's about to happen you just need permission and using words like allowed or I'm not allowed to go out on Friday or a pass I can see if I can get a pass Discussing a thing that's about to happen. Oh, you mean like a... And using words like allowed, or I'm not allowed to go out on Friday. Or a pass.

I can see if I can get a pass. Or a pass. Or he's not going to let us. Yeah. Right? This ain't how it works. Okay, Milo. Okay.

You need to stop being muggles in this respect, right? Like, you know, so I'm in Australia now for nine weeks before I see my girlfriend. It's a fucking huge, it's quite a big deal. Yeah. It would put a strain on a lot of relationships, but we discussed it, and I come out here. I'm not like, oh, my girlfriend. It's a fucking huge, it's quite a big deal. It would put a strain on a lot of relationships,

but we discussed it and I come out here. I'm not like, oh, my girlfriend let me come to Australia. But weren't you saying this is the longest

you've never had sex? Yeah. And then we banged and you were like, oh, thank God. Oh, phew. I still haven't had sex. I've been sexed.

You got sexed up. I got sexed down. Sexed down. I got sexed down a peg or two uh yeah no i think you're yeah you're totally right it's a um because it's a even if you look i i get what i get what you're saying what you're saying is oh they might not be happy with it but also you're an adult you're in a relationship that's supposed to be 50 50 yeah you have a discussion like we discussed it we discussed whether I was coming or not

I didn't discuss permission I just discussed like whether I would deal with it like how how she'd be if I was away if if she didn't

if she wasn't going to enjoy the nine weeks I felt like isolated or lonely I would have I would have probably re-evaluated how I felt about it

I wouldn't look at it as permission and it's just like this is for a nine month stint like, I've seen fucking guys and girls mostly dudes because I guess I'm surrounded more by male friends, just use words

like letting permission and that over one night I'm not allowed out on Friday and you're like, if I spend time with if I, right, so on Friday right, if I've got plans with my girlfriend and you say, hey do you want to come out on Friday? I'd be like, nah, I want to see my girlfriend. If I was going to spend time with her,

I'd be like, I'm going to spend time with Natalie. You wouldn't want to say that. You know what? It's pretty gay, man. I'd probably come out and she'd come too. Well, I definitely wouldn't want to spend time with my girlfriend. It's pretty gay. Nah, because I think that's how it is.

I'm not like, oh, old ball and chains got us going out on Friday. Next time you tell me you're marrying her like Nick Cody, fucking fuck it. Oh,

nah, I'm not gay. No, I totally, I 100% agree with all of this. And even if it's like a dual dictatorship

where you allow them to do some stuff and they allow you to do some stuff, the minute you look at it as you're allowed and let and you're not having a full democracy and just discussions and talking about it, you're fucking muggles and you're doing it wrong and you're going to fucking ruin each other. Yep. I agree.

Yep. I got a little bit angry about that. Yeah. So, again, Gareth Waugh, take note. If you're allowed. If you're allowed if you're allowed listen to this not allowed to listen to these podcasts

after seven should we do the dads yeah are we close how long are we I don't even know we're over time

uh oh well let's do it quickly let's slam it out I should say a good percentage of my ones have been submitted by Josh Pugh,

whose badge you just pissed on. Yeah, I'm fucking teaching him to say shit about me dad. He loves the dad stuff, so he's been writing loads of them, and he sends me on some tasty ones. Got it. So I've been adding them in. Yes. So here we go.

Josh Pugh, I should say, is English Comedian of the Year 2016. Yeah, and that was his ticket out here, right? That was his ticket out here, yeah. Won the competition. Won the competition. Got put on a flight, accommodated, got gigs every day.

Yeah, he's off to Adelaide today to do the Adelaide Comedy Festival. We will join him next week. And I've been gigging with him every day at the Best of English, and he's been fucking amazing. Great, really, really good. I'd never met him before this trip,

never seen his stand-up, and now he's on the team. Yeah, well, he's been, I've been in his show nearly every day, just because it's around the same time as mine, so I do all the queues for everything. Yeah. Well, he's been, I've been like in his show nearly every day just because it's around the same time as mine. So I do all the queues for everything.

Yeah. And then we've like, we've worked on bits and pieces and added them in and everything. And then the other day he literally was like, you know what? I'm going to give you

a percentage of my ticket sales because you've pretty much been a director on this. I was like, oh, okay. Yeah, bought you some meals. Yeah. Bought me one Subway. I was like, oh,

you didn't say what percentage. Just like what I would give Matty a percentage of me winnings by buying him a pizza so there we go let's do it that was Matty the big man

as well if anyone interested big man from last week you go your dad goes to Laser Quest on his own and joins other people's games fair enough on your birthday

your dad used to send you a card into a children's TV program so the presenter could read it out because he was too emotionally repressed to say it himself. Your dad is still hiding

behind the bins at the top of my street because we're playing hide and seek this morning and in the middle of the game I just wandered off. Your dad pretends to do crosswords while secretly listening to your mom and her friends talk about handbags. Your dad's got a Scotland shirt with a husky on the back. Your dad wears driving gloves to order a taxi.

Your dad makes snide comments every time your mum opens her mouth. That's normal. Your dad takes his own snacks to the cinema, but then bottles it and buys more when he's there. And just lets the chocolate milk in his bag. He had the right idea. When your dad gives people a tour of his house, he says, this is where the magic happens,

in your sister's room. God, that's horrific. Your dad bought a calendar for your kitchen and writes made-up names on it to make himself look more popular. One of my neighbours has just shifted your dad from behind his bins. When you were over 17,

he went to Magaluf and paid €100 to go on a tour of a local vineyard. In Magaluf? Or in the 1830s? Your dad doesn't let you put a sock on your hand when you're playing track and field

on the playstation because he says it's cheating oh yeah I never even thought of that your dad finishes jigsaws and glues it to cardboard

before framing it and hanging it on the wall so tacky your dad's wondering around the street looking for a better hiding place creeping around all hunched over

looking shady as fuck Your dad uses Lloyd Grossman cooking sauces but adds his own ingredients and calls it his speciality When your dad has a fried breakfast he asks for his eggs hard boiled for extra tomato instead of hash browns

mushrooms instead of bacon and an extra knife and fork instead of sausages and then puts knife and fork instead of sausages and then puts ketchup in his beans. That sounds like my breakfast. Irish breakfast.

Irish vegetarian breakfast. Your dad tips Uber drivers. I've done that before. First time I got an Uber, I tipped him

I thought he had to. I felt so weird getting out of the car with him paying. I felt like I was doing a runner. I didn't even say goodbye anymore.

I flicked him a coin and said buy yourself something nice your dad's currently lying flat on his belly underneath my car smug as fuck that I won't find him

but he doesn't realise that he's going to be grounded for getting oil on his Scotland top you're really into these hide and seek ones your dad drinks jam jar cocktails

in the house even though there's loads of glasses available Put salt around the room Alright That's enough from you Get out while I keep talking This is my house That's enough from us

It's a sweat box I don't know how Josh slept in this room It's so fucking hot This is a fucking sweat box It's horrible I'm just This is a fucking sweat box. It's horrible. I'm just sweating because... Because you pissed yourself. Because I've been looking at your lips.

You're going to cycle home today. Dogs are going to chase you. I'll also own this room now. You're saying this is your house, but I'm just pissed on it. By law. In fact, get in between a landlord and tell him to...

Tell him that room's gone. Hand him the contract. That room's gone. Kai pissed on it by law in fact get them to a landlord and tell them that room's gone to hand them the contract that room's gone Kai pissed on it change the contract change it to a contract alright Muggins out Sugar out

see ya Sugar buddy Sugar buddy