Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.21 New York Knitty

Episode Date: February 8, 2019

Muggins and Cream with a splash of Milk (Elliot Steel) A long awaited podcast recorded slightly day drunk from New York City. 

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Awww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

New York, concrete muggins where creams are made of. Oh, furious that that was actually decent. I'm genuinely furious that that was actually semi-fucking decent. Because now, the worst thing is, now that I've admitted that was semi-decent, it's going to give you the confidence to do that for another ten. And those other ten are going to be dog shit. And I'm going to have to sit through them.

It's a... All right, mute, mute. We're in New York. It's Muggins and Cream on the podcast with Elliot Muggins and Cream with a splash of milk. Hello. So we have flown out of New York. Daniel is doing a two-week run?

Three-week run, two shows a day. At the Soho Playhouse. day at the Soho Playhouse yes doing Soho Playhouse which is on Van Damme Street in obviously Soho and you sold out every day

except Valentine's Day because you broke up every fucking couple that may possibly come to your show and then that's not as bad as

the here's some tweets that have been fucking me off to no end I'm happy to sell my fans down the river because

fucking you know I'm joking and you know coming from love the amount of fucking morons on Twitter that are going

oh my god bought tickets to Daddy Just Lots of Show on Valentine's Day hope we survive and I'm like do you

do you from the bottom of your heart think I am doing just the show that's on Netflix that anyone can see? That's your fuck, that's your USP now, you're the breakup guy. You're the relationship. No, it's definitely not, because it would be had Jigsaw been released by itself, right?

But Dark is not a show that broke any couples up. People are turning up going, oh my going oh my god I hope my siblings die here comes the dead brother show like it's unbelievable that people are like he's gonna do breakups like would you

and I mean this from the bottom of my heart I say this with love would you fucking morons understand that every show I do is different I'm sick of answering

the questions of is X different to now yes it has a different fucking name. Like, I just, I don't understand. Like, is Avengers Age of Ultron different from Spider-Man? Oh, who fucking knows?

Let's take a gamble. I'm going to watch Spider-Man just in case. It's the next Avengers movie. You fucking morons. Well, that's because break up, breaking people up is now your garlic bread routine. Oh. Hey, hey, hey, hey. First of all

I have more talent in my fucking toenail than Peter Kay has ever had in his entire career and you can quote me on that I mean we

people oh yeah it's a podcast it's a podcast you don't need to quote me you can just turn that into a fucking I'll say that to Peter Kay Peter Kay is

an astonishingly shy comedian but he's an exceptionally great salesman yes 100% hely shy comedian. But he's an exceptionally great salesman. Yes, 100%. He's a good salesman. He's a phenomenal salesman.

You could say a car is a bad car but if you've got a guy that's a car salesman that is fucking shifting those cars like nobody's business you're going,

oh my god, that guy is selling a terrible car. EastEnders has ran for 30 years. Doesn't mean it's quality writing. Oh!

Like, just because something has success doesn't mean it's quality writing oh like just because something has success doesn't mean it's good it just means the general population are fucking morons it means actually you've like

you've shaved the edges off it so that it suits everybody so you can watch it with your gran you can watch it with your son

and nobody is gonna it's gonna it's skillful yeah it's skillful because if you want to write it it's going to it's skillful yeah it's skillful because if you want to write it it's skillful but it's not actual

fucking it's not by it's not by your parameters but dude if I ask you to write those parameters right you would struggle to put an hour together

I would but I would also say if you're a safer driver you don't get to call yourself a race car driver like if you're like I've now got any points in my life

you don't get to claim to be fucking Lewis Harrods yeah if you're like, I've now got any points in my life since you don't get to claim to be fucking Lewis Hamilton. Yeah, but you're hugging the middle lane. You're just not the interesting part of the good thing. But here's the other thing. The race car driver's only a race car driver until he skids off the road and hits a bunch of school kids.

Yeah, which is, you know, you're going to have them out of the next corner. Yeah, no, fucking, look, some people enjoy Peter Kay and they're allowed to, but every time I see Peter Kay in the list of top fucking comedians, you just go, no, he's not.

Oh, you fucking... I have a question. Me and Natalie were talking about this the other day. You know how people are getting in touch, seeing how many times they've broke up with people. Would love to know, like, as you've got the statistics

of there being 73 divorces there's been 10,000 breakups and blah blah blah how many of these people are female and how many are men you and Natalie

were saying that or was I saying that to you last night always forget when you're there it's so easy it's so easy to forget when you're there who?

I had no idea sorry mate I was fucking I was tightening myself I know it was weird oh Elliot to forget when you're there. Who? I had no idea. Sorry, mate. I fucking was tightening myself up. I know, it was weird. Oh, Elliot. I fucking... 3,000 miles

of fucking flu. Your arms must be tired. All right, Peter Kay. Brain it in. That joke didn't offend anyone. Therefore, it must be the greatest joke of all time

every Peter Kay fan because we were saying I wonder how many that much is true you weren't saying this I was saying this I'm sorry it is a question that has come up a fair bit what's the ratio of women that broke up with men

the question was a lot of the people contacting you may just be girls just wanting your attention and letting you know they're single it's been a lot of the people contacting you may just be girls just wanting your attention and letting you know they're single it's been a lot I would say

which is a good position for you to be in I would say half of the divorces are fully split down the middle and

I've not why when I last time I got this question I realised the thing I was paying more

sort of attention to was like I was paying more sort of attention to was like I was paying more attention to the female tweets because

I was like oh alright this is nearly single this is going to be interesting I'm going to see if I sweep

up this which I haven't done no I have done it once but that was from the live show not the Netflix specials

from the radio show it's genuinely half and half it might be a ratio of maybe like 55 to 45 so it's it leans towards it's genuinely half and half it might be a ratio of maybe like 55 to 45

so it leans towards it's not just like a landslide of just women getting in touch I would say notice me notice me

it leans towards women but one of the things that I find interesting is a lot of the tweets from people that haven't broken up but the ones I would say

60% of the messages from blokes is sort of like you didn't make me break up with my partner but you helped get me over a breakup

I've gone through oh really yeah yeah yeah oh man so these I've not as I've always said the show wasn't

a fucking breakup show it was never intended to break up with a bloke it's you know the catharsis we're talking about a lot of the messages I get from men

is them understanding like you know being like I'm over're talking about a lot of the messages I get from men is them understanding like you know being like I'm over it now or I realised what I was doing wrong or I didn't see it like in that sort of way

and it's helping people get over shitty breakups and understanding that you know so still all positive yeah

and I know single people that have watched it and just went oh cool that validates my position yeah which is great which is the one thing which is the only thing it was ever meant to do which was to make sure that single people that have watched it and just went oh cool that validates my position yeah which is great which is the one thing

which is the only thing it was ever meant to do which was to make sure that single people sat there and just went like it's okay to be fucking single there's nothing wrong with it

because trust me 80% of the people you know in relationships are deep down so cancerously unhappy but so terrified of being alone that they'll take something

over nothing I think being single is class it's fucking brilliant I love it it's so cool apart from at night when you just have

nothing to do and the lights go out and it's cold the thing is relationships aren't perfect every second in the fucking time but in the same way nothing's ever perfect

all of the fucking time there's times when you're in relationships and it doesn't mean you should fucking end them you just go at this moment in time because that person's

way over there and somebody's chatting me up or I've asked that person it would end them that you just go at this moment in time because that person's way over there and somebody's chatting me up or I've asked that person it would be nice if I was single at this one moment in time. It would suck immediately or afterwards

and it would suck for the rest of the fucking night but in this one moment it would be nice to be single. In the same way there's other times when you're single where you just go

fucking hell. I get moments like that where I'm just like fucking hell this would be a moment that I would love to share with someone that I cared about. Yeah but also

that's what the beauty of absolutely punching way out your league is is that if like you are in a position where you're like oh if I was single

I could probably steal the deal you would be like you'd be like ah but that's worse it's like nobody's at my league though that's that I don't

get to have the joy that you get with Natalie you managed to get someone out of your league I'll only ever get to date someone that I'm out of the league of to be honest

to be honest Kai you could find a fox walk in the street and that would probably be out of your league as well it's not difficult to be out of your league whoa

what's going on here boys coming from a 14 year old black girl who's still out of his league I do love the fact that still consistently and this is just for any new podcast listeners

despite what Elliot Steele says like he is a white man oh I am the whitest the amount of people that after you're in Rosebill which is very good

I will add thank you but I got at least three messages we got tagged in at least three tweets which would just

be like did not expect Elliot Steele to look the way he did given his voice it'd be like finding out

that fucking Morgan Freeman's voice came out of a three year old girl's mouth he'd be like it doesn't fit you know when

the first time you found out that a fucking Nancy Cartwright did the voice of Bart Simpson? That is to a cold tub. That's exactly

what fucking it is. You're like, oh boy, I was not expecting it. I'm so glad as well I've got that

annoying laugh I had because I thought it would be way more racist if I had a laugh that just went, hee hee hee hee. Oh yeah,

if you went for the Michael Jackson I had because I feel it'd be way more racist if I had a lot of If you went for the Michael Jackson Sloth oh my god. I got a horror movies well yet in the cinema I will say I know that's a fucking stereotype but I went to see I went to see Black Panther like the day it came out in LA right and fuck me like it's a great movie but the commentary

from the rest of it was the funniest fucking thing I was cause sometimes I can't remember who it was I think it was you and me that were saying steal see what I did there I acknowledged something he'd said without giving credit to someone else. But the thing about Americans is Americans believe in stereotypes because American stereotypes exist. New York is exactly how you expect New York to be. And some Americans are exactly how you...

No matter how much you... You could come up with the most outlandish idea of what an American is, and I guarantee that American exists. Now, that is because this is a country of 300 million people, and it's fucking massive. But the American idea of a Scottish stereotype,

which is like cheap, bad teeth, wears a kilt, paints black, bagpipes all the time, just this horrible fucking like... He's looking in the mirror while he's making this list. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I'm actually FaceTiming Mark Nelson.

But like to them, they're like, that's all Scottish people. Now, I'm not saying that the Scottish person doesn't exist, but I'd say one or two in the whole of Scotland. Everyone else in Scotland

is a died down version of it. Some of us have the accent, some of us down version of it some of us have the accent some of us have bad teeth some of us are cheap some of us are fine etc etc but Americans are

I'm walking here every single one of them every single I've never in my life and this is not an insult to Americans I have never met a normal American

they're all like they're portrayed they're all every single one when you talk to them and they're not in character they're portrayed they're all every single one when you talk to them and they're not in character they're not

they just are that friendly and that sort of open and also that it's not a bad thing this isn't criticism dude I heard last time I was in New York

I heard an Ernest Capiche someone was like talking emphatically and went blah blah blah Capiche and I was like

well you didn't do that as a bit you didn't like that as a bit. You didn't, like, say capiche as a joke amongst your friends. You actually, you meant capiche. That's the equivalent of hearing an English person go,

tally-ho. Yeah, it is. Or like, ooh-la-la from an Italian or a sacre bleu from a Frenchman. It's like an absolute fucking... Wait, isn't ooh-la-la... Ooh-la-la is French. Ooh-la-la.

Yeah. Is it? I mean, it's not either. What would be an Italian one then? That's a spicy meatball! Why aren't our tanks working? Or, or, or, just like a man used to make, which I have also heard an American Italian genuinely saying,

in an Italian restaurant, he's put a f... And again, this is what I mean. I saw an Italian fucking American put a meatball into his mouth and say the words just like a man used to make. And I'm like, is this whole thing, is all of America the Truman Show? Like, is it just? They are phenomenal. And they're the best. Like, I love it here.

They're so friendly. But they're so fake. It's so easy. Fake? No, it's not easy to help. It's not fake. It feels fake,... Fake? It's so... No, it's not fake. It's not fake. It feels fake, but it's not. It's not.

That's the thing. Is it honest? It's legit. It's genuine and it's sincere and that's why you can't begrudge them for any of it because they just are these nice... Sorry, I interrupted you. No, it's fine.

I had one of my... Sorry, I interrupted you there. Oh, my turn. Please interrupt him as well. I literally apologised for talking over alien. I took that opportunity to dive in. No, I'm not going to let you in. My mum said it's my turn to play with a podcast.

I'm going to have a go. I am holding the cushion. When I was in Florida in 2007, we asked someone who worked at the theme park in Disney what would be a good one to go to see. He went, oh, go see The Little Mermaid show. And by the way, Ariel, hubba hubba. I had to feed him to a pulp.

I fucking love America's Got Talent. And genuinely and not that you two would know but generally some of the best audiences in the world just because I wish I got

to perform here but I don't have a visa so obviously if I had done a solo show last night on Broadway

and it sold out I would be bragging about it on this podcast last night but fuck man I just don't have that if I closed the show as well I'd have been so happy I mean come on plausible I would be bragging about it on this podcast last night. Fuck, man, I just don't have that. If I closed the show as well, I'd have been so happy.

I mean, come on, plausible. Keep it within the realms of reality. Yeah, come on, man. Oh, there's no gravity in New York. Then head to the Twin Towers photo. That's the thing they did. Honestly. Insider secret, the Twin Towers are still here. It was all CGI, they're still here Insider Secret the Twin Tower

is still here it was all CGI they're still there it's like the Moonland in the studio it was all there it was fucking directed by

Michael Bay we spoke about that just to give anyone a little back log reference if anyone does get fed up about that joke me and Cameron James

explicitly spoke about why we find 9-11 denial jokes funny on a previous podcast called Two Woke Cucks which you did on this one which has been like sometimes what is funny

is to pretend to have an abhorrent opinion because the joke is sometimes people in the same way that it's funny to pretend to be a flat earther

because what's a horrible and stupid opinion that is so that they therefore play the character of somebody that believes it is the parody

in the same way that I will always say that whenever you do jokes like that you go sometimes I'm playing the idiot and idiots

say horrible things because they're idiots also when the reality sucks it's also going to put distance between you and reality

and just crack a joke and make it kind of trivialised even though it's far from trivial yeah you want to like

but sometimes you forget where you are no no I do it all the time like there's the amount of times that people come up to me after the show

and when they and it's normally when somebody who's suffered a death will come up to me and talk to me about the show Dark they'll come in

and be like hey your show about your sister really helped me get through a death in my family and I'll always just be like I totally made it up she's still alive and she's not even disabled it's my stock line to anyone who opens up to me and there's always a better

than that goes really and i go no because the monster would do that that's what the joke is but also if it helped does it matter all right but. But the thing is, it's a monster would say this, and it's a horrible thing to say, so I'm going to say it, and that's the joke. Not that I should ever have to explain it. That was also, we've met some incredible people in the podcast while over here. Thanks for the continued support of coming to see my show

and no other shows that are on in New York, especially not featuring guests of this podcast that are on in New York, especially not featuring guests of this podcast that are not taking place anywhere in the world. You've been bringing us Wool, which we'll talk about in a second.

And Patton's, which you stole. We'll get on to that in a second. But what I will say is there was a lovely girl last night, she was like,

listen to the podcast, I love it, I've been trying to recommend it to all my friends. Part of it is just like, go and not right because like

all the fans we have on this podcast are sound as fuck right we've said some abhorrent horrible things on this podcast and we've got away with it

because everyone knows within the context of this podcast and what it is the fans we have on this are so fucking cool and as much as I do want it to have bigger success

I'm also like fucking this party is McDonald's like let's not it doesn't need to let's not overfill the party because eventually

it's going to be a friend of a friend who doesn't understand the fucking thing and yeah so far we haven't had any complaints

none at all and it's been going for three fucking years I love because I've met people that have been at your show and whatever shows might have also been on

afterwards hypothetically who have like know everything about it's so weird meeting afterwards hypothetically who have like know everything about it's so weird meeting people off the podcast

because they know everything from your life and then you meet they're excited to meet you but Natalie has been stopped a couple of times

and went oh you're Natalie and asked for a photo so Natalie hasn't been on the podcast ever but she's like in New York for the first time

and people are stopping her for photos no no no to be fair this is not because they're fans of her they're just surprised she's real

in the same way if you saw Nettie or Bigfoot walking down the street you'd be like fucking hell get a photo it also because

it's Arabic they're like return to the scene of the game the audacity let's talk about knitting and I'm sorry

to exclude you but it's been the first podcast we've done since does anyone want a cup of tea while I go I'll take a coffee

if it's going yeah go on are you actually leaving you know what's amazing about this before you leave it's like

when me and you got into Muay Thai right Daniel didn't like Muay Thai so he was like no more talk about Muay Thai on the podcast right

but because he's into knitting he's like this is the first time we've spoken about knitting on the podcast and to be fair Danny's not sending me

topless pictures of him knitting to be fair I'm reading and this is just really bad at knitting and goes it doesn't fit or I'm just like I'm naked today I'm reading the list it's just really bad at knitting and goes it doesn't fit

here's all I'll say about knitting that has brought in a few people I don't want to become the like right I'm not doing it so therefore

it must it can fuck off and die because I think people who don't watch Game of Thrones shit on Game of Thrones and I love the

enthusiasm that people get with it I can see that people are very cath on Game of Thrones and I love the infusias that people get with it I can see that people are very cathartic with it and I'm just going to let it be its own thing but while you talk about that I'll go and make a coffee

with that that's fair this is just for the yeah this is just for the that's not literally what it's on so for podcast listeners

who might not follow me and Kai on Instagram first of all I just don't I just don't think that person exists right but anyway but follow me and Kai on Instagram, first of all, I just don't, I just don't think that person exists. Right. But anyway. But if they do.

Thanks on Instagram. In January, the start of January, me and Kai got drunk after one of our London shows and decided that we would get into a knitting competition where the competition is essentially to get so good at knitting that we can knit each other. We'll design and knit each other a Christmas jumper. And it's a competition, I don't think it's going to be a winner, I think the thing is basically you just have to wear whatever the other person knitted for you all day Christmas

day. Like it's from the morning to the evening you have to fucking wear it. It's more like a challenge than the competition. My challenges make your Christmas jump and your challenges make my Christmas jump. And the thing I'm... And it'll be subjective some people think yours is better some people may think mine's better

but we're not going to quantify it no we're not going to quantify it because also because we also one of the things I've enjoyed about it

so far is how genuinely supportive we are of each other isn't it like it's really nice it's the only time we're fully nice to each other

in fact because it's kind of snowballed it started off where it wasn't actually just me and Daniel even though

Instagram suggested it was just me and you it was me you it started off where it wasn't actually just me and Daniel even though Instagram suggested it was just me and you it was me, you and Natalie yeah on a try challenge yeah but she was like actually you know what

keep me out of the public yeah yeah yeah Natalie doesn't want to be involved in the public but since then Eric Lampert got involved who's been on this podcast

our friend Rudy got involved Gene is involved and so there was six of us also Rich Massara I know you're listening and I know you went quiet

so just for the record Rich Massara did bitch out but unless he's listening to this and decides to get involved Rich Massara's a bitch feel free to

tweet him on Twitter calling him a bitch for putting out this competition so what's nice in our close group of friends is about six or seven

people that are involved but also it's started to click where people on Twitter are also joining which is so good

like I'm really enjoying the practice that we've inspired some people to start knitting I'm loving how supportive everyone's being if you post

your work people generally encourage it yeah I've never experienced it's the most inoffensive hobby in that everybody in that community is. But it's the most inoffensive hobby in everybody

in that community is supportive. Yeah, it's so beautiful. The people, the netters we've met in Paris, the netters. The netters without a tube?

Yeah, just all of the, we've met, oh, genuinely, like, people are bringing us patterns and needles

and home somebody gave me some incredibly beautiful world last night please don't feel you have to do that just come talk to us

about knitting and give us advice and stuff we are thoroughly enjoying someone last night brought their work they were working on the round needles

and they were showing us what they were doing I just had a lovely conversation about yeah I never even after just one month I didn't think just had like a lovely conversation about yeah I never even after just one month I didn't think I would be enjoying it

as much as I am I've let myself go a little bit because one thing I want to do with it is one thing I'm really enjoying is every day doing a wee

just an Instagram live thing for an hour and just answering questions man like it's the funnest thing in the world just because people are tuning in and it's like

and they're talking to you you're connecting with everybody like occasionally you get something that comes in and be like this is really dull I'm like yeah Like, it's the funnest thing in the world. Just because people are tuning in. And it's like... And they're talking to you. You're connecting with everybody. Like, occasionally you'll get somebody that comes in and be like, this is really dull. I'm like, yeah, you're the one watching it. Yeah. Like, all I do...

Change the channel. That's like you walking down the street past a shop, right? And just going, I don't like this shop. All right. Don't go into it. Have you ever just walked past it, like, fucking HMV and been just walked past like fucking HMV and been like boo

boo HMV boo I've seen Dave Johns deal with someone in the audience you know Dave Johns of course you do

I Daniel Blake no I Daniel Sloss you Daniel Sloss yeah you Daniel Blake you can right okay me Tarzan Eugene

Dave Johns from Eugene Eugene Yeah, you Daniel Blake. Right, okay. Me, Tarzan, Eugene. Dave Johns from Eugene. Eugene! So Dave Johns was having a great gig, but you know how sometimes you get someone in the audience that's not laughing and they're the only person you can focus on? I had it in my first show yesterday. It puts you off so much. It's the worst thing. Everyone else, you can hear the laughs, you can hear how I had it in my first show yesterday it puts you off so much it's the worst thing

just everyone else you can hear the laughs you can hear how big the laughs you can see everyone else enjoying it but just that one second row four into my right

I know I can I can draw a picture of him because he was the only person I looked at for the entire show it's almost like you know if nobody was laughing and one person was they would stand out less

than if everyone was laughing and one person was they would stand out less to the fact that everyone was laughing and one person wasn't and then Dave Johns just hit the guy and went you don't like me do you

and he went no and he went well you know what I don't make peace but I don't go to the supermarket and stare at them

it is that thing and again it's something that we consistently bring up on Muggle Corner which is if somebody doesn't like something

it's not enough for them to not like it they have to let the world know that they stand and don't get me wrong I'm guilty of it constantly

it's a constant Muggle thing in all of our lives and we all just have to learn to just go I don't like that and that doesn't matter to anyone

else what i'll do is i'll remove myself from it and i'll not be involved if it's forced on you grand that's when you go hey it's not for me but you don't go out of your way said the guy who wrote a 20-minute routine on vegans the fucking hypocrisy coming out of my stupid fucking mouth. Nah. I've made a career out of it. Who am I talking about? The whole set is trip advisor. A lot of people's relationships. That was actually awful.

No, no. In Jigsaw, I was very specifically talking about mine. Because originally, there was a thing, like the way, because the Jigsaw routine didn't work for ages, right? And the reason it didn't work is because I was literally shouting in the audience, being like, all of your marriages are shams. You're all full of shit. And I hate seeing you nurse thing you're in love.

And Jim was like, you know you have to make that about you. Because that's where also the animosity came from. I was never embarrassed about other people's relationship. I was always embarrassed about other people's relationship. I was always embarrassed about how I had reacted. So you need to talk about yours. And people who are in good relationships can go, oh my God, that sounds awful.

People who are in bad relationships go, oh my God, that sounds familiar. And then everybody can look at it from a different angle. But if you're just going, you suck, you suck, you suck, two thirds of them, probably fucking nine tenths of them I go nah yeah that's a genuine bit of life advice

I'm slowly very very slowly learning to take myself but one I would give to other people is whenever being in discussions with other people

instead of just being like you feel this way or you should do this or whatever always talk about yourself we're always taught to not talk about ourselves but it's the only honest way

you can do that so if everyone's just talking about a thing that they love yeah you go in my experience this is what I've gone through and these are the conclusions

I've drawn as opposed to you're a fucking idiot you shouldn't believe this because that doesn't help anyone or you should just go here's me here's my thoughts

because your experiences can't be wrong your conclusions from them can't be wrong but we're bringing them out i just think it's a fucking healthier way to have a discussion and i say this as somebody who has been for years and years and years the most toxic person to have a fucking debate with and awful and it's something i've not been happy about myself so that would just be the one bit of advice we give and knitting's making me a better person so knitting on that note and going back to

the point I was getting to is we've got a WhatsApp group with close friends about knitting and were so supportive in it that Eric Lampere

was just like right this is creepy you guys are being nice like all of the time like I've never seen this but it's because you can't be negative

when it comes to knitting. Nah. Because what was, but if, yeah, because if somebody's just started, because you realise how stupid it is to be horrible to someone about something that they're trying.

Like, me and Kai started first before everyone else and because everyone else has real jobs, they got less practice in than we did. And that's, the only difference,

the only difference between your skill set and my skill set at the moment is the fact that you've put more hours in. Natural talent. Blood. Is this my blood? It's just my blood.

Stop putting needles in your blood. That's definitely not. No, it's... I've got to... That way. Textiles. Loom. And just pass through his DNA.

But you suddenly realise, I think doing a thing together like that, suddenly realising the only reason I'm better than this at someone else is because I've had more time to put in it because you were actually

better from you were off the blocks quicker yeah no no not again but then you went to a wedding and by the time you finished that wedding

I was knitting a garment a day yeah and going through and made some stunning fucking gloves and you know what as well so I knitted

I knitted like three garments in quick succession. I knitted a scarf. Sorry, four. A hat. I'm getting sorry to interrupt. I'm just very glad that Elliot's not in the room for this because every time you said garments, he would just be like,

Garms. Garms. Oh, idiots. Speaking of devil. We're talking about garms. Can I get sugar in mine? Knitting garms. Oh, yeah.

Thank you. What's that? a cup of milk? Yeah. It's horrible when someone makes you a drink you don't want, innit? Oh, yeah, explain the backstory. Now I'm just asking what it was before I drink it. It was a lovely thing.

Oh, you can try it on at all you want. No, you never do. I'll tell you what it was. I can see the disappointment in your eyes. I was still in the middle of a beer. Yeah, are you in the middle of a beer? Oh, so it was, wait, so it was a beer in a mouth. All right, Santa Claus at 11pm. I can see the disappointment in your eyes yeah are you on a move of beer oh wait so what's that a beer in my mouth

alright Santa Claus at 11pm trying some cookies doing a bit of a car you little bitch mate so back story is

is the sugar in this oh no I'll get you no no no you're giving no no no Daniel Daniel would you like some

sweetener for nothing I would love some no worries baby thank you very much Elliot mate so back story everyone tune back in go every time Elliot

comes to my house usually it's to do a podcast but also it's the hidden agenda of that I've got some like house work to do and Elliot's involved I don't know about this

no every time I get Elliot over to do a podcast like I've got to get rid of the Christmas tree or something every time literally

once a year no no no like that was an example the Christmas tree was an example but literally every time Elliot comes a year no no no like that was an example Christmas tree was an example but literally every time Elliot comes round to my house I've got

like big chores that I need help with like I need to take some stuff to the tip or I need to like take a couple of bags of clothes to the charity shop

so what you're saying is if your to do list has ever done social friendship oh yeah so like Elliot come round for a podcast and then we spend

the first hour doing my chores the second hour I just Elliot come home from a podcast and then we spend the first hour doing my chores the second hour I just look at you doing a podcast he's stirring his coffee with the fucking leg of my sunglasses

that is the most brazen thing I've ever seen what's in the back of that so I will see you explain me to start

a fucking hold on let's stay on track right sorry let's stay on track so every time Elliot comes around and do my chores and do a podcast ask him if he wants a cup of tea

or coffee and he tells me what he wants tea milk two sugars oh and I'm like coffee black five sugars and I'm just like

do you have a choice but this did start with you making coffees wrong right I just think it didn't start as a bit it started as you

just fucking up all this yeah so instead of admitting your mistake you just owned it and then turned it into a bit and which by the way

I will say is the more mature way to deal with it never admit you're wrong just pretend you meant it. This is another thing. Sorry to interrupt but I'm going to cut to it. Like this is what my mum gets annoyed at this. Like if I'm getting a cup of tea from my mum's house you know normally I would be like whatever I'm not one sugar and she could just

make me a cup of tea. I have a different cup depending on how I feel, depending on what I've ate that day. Do you? I'll go, you know what, today I'm going to have it with milk, I'm going to have it with one sugar. Tomorrow I might have it no milk, no sugar. Just whatever I feel like. I don't have a standard.

I have a standard, but if I'm given the wrong one, I'll normally... For example, I don't take milk in my coffee normally, but there's milk in this, and it doesn't bother me in any way. Like I'll take it. Thank you then. No, no, okay. I do need to sugar it.

That's the only time I'm like, like I need a fucking, because I'm not sweet enough. So I need that extra sugar. But Kai, Kai, if he gets your order wrong, and you go,

hey, I didn't ask for this. And he goes, well that's because you probably, you fell out with your mum when you was a kid, and you've got all these sort of psychological problems and it's your fault. And you're like, no, I just think you've added too much,

you know, sugar to my coffee. And you start going this pious route of that is something deep psychologically wrong with me that you've messed up a coffee order. Well, I'm probably right. It just went off to me. But do tell us about your childhood with your mother. Let's try and work out how that does it

please, well I definitely do have not enough time to get to you and your mother I've got enough time to get to your mother so I don't know Elliot just went out to make coffee and come back with a glass of milk as if that was his rebuttal to me, because that's the thing

at least I'll make you a hot drink you just bought me a cup of milk because I'm milk he absolutely has done you there this is actually very on Bradford you've absolutely been done do you want to delete this podcast too?

delete this podcast too by the way we started recording got over five minutes in and deleted the first because I think because I figured that there was about seven lawsuits

that's within five naming comedians we're not getting back into it right where were we before Elliot where were we do you know with the Geordie accent to say where were we before Elliot? Where were we? Do you know with the Geordie accent to say where were we

we'd say where were we? Where were we? Where were we? Where were we? Where were we? So where were we? Can I? Oh sorry am I interrupting?

No no you go Okay So when we were talking about knitting Do a little finish like even I feel bad at this point like I'm I'm bored to come

and build you fucking started the bit oh yes I got but you've kept it I'm sick it's my bit oh right

okay so your fucking stance on this is that he's stealing your bit and doing it to you. Your problem is, oh, I'm getting a taste of my own medicine. You're not a milk person?

No. I did the whole podcast again. Here we go. Can I talk about something I've discovered in America that I didn't know I needed in my life? Yes, sure. Women. Laughter. No, I'm not. I needed in my life. Yes, sure. Women. Laughter. No, I'm not laughing.

I've discovered whole foods. Cool, cool. Wait, do you mean like shoving a carrot up your eyes? What do you mean? I just want to bring up, I don't think Britain can call itself a first world country anymore. Oh, no, no, anymore oh no no no no

there's differences right one I get what you're saying whole foods whole foods as in it's like it's literally

like Charlie and Chocolate's Charlie and Chocolate's Wonka factory yes but with healthy food right so whole foods I don't even think

we can explain it you go in and it's what a supermarket should be but it's what a supermarket should be. It's capitalism at its finest. But it's what a supermarket should be. You go into a supermarket in the UK and that's just what you know.

So you think that's as best as it can get. And then you go into Whole Foods and it levels up a million times. But there's so many things that make UK more of a first world country. You can tap onto the fucking tube. Or the card. This is true

when was the last time a child was shot in a school in the UK I can tell you exactly when 1992 and also

I'm on office and also the fucking the electricity in America is I think I've said this before

but like you plug your phone into charge and it charges at a rate of 1% per hour. You plug a kettle on, and it takes an hour to boil.

The electricity in America is like a big bulky man having a weak handshake. It just doesn't, it doesn't fit the, you know. But there's little things, like,

next time when I'm back in the UK, and I've got to go to Tesco and get a meal deal, and I'm picking up like, and people act like they're for Steve. You've got to choice it. It's supposed to be like

after 5pm. Tuna sweet coin. Like somehow ready solid monster munch. It's not even a brand! And people acting like they're prestige because they've picked up

a hoisin duck wrap with no mayo and going, oh, look, they're the best ones. It's the best of a bad bunch. Now that I've seen what the Americans do is they go, we're going to give you everything you want

and we're going to give you things you didn't know you wanted and we're going to make it affordable and it's great and you just go, this is why you go to war with everywhere because this is how you afford that life. There's some parts of, like, agree like going into i remember the first time when i was a kid uh first time i was in america going to walmart right man toys r us used to be the fucking mecca in the uk for kids like that was just this big giant warehouse all these times fucking walmart which was also by the way not even exclusively a toy shop right it was it was a fucking supermarket

with a toy section what is Walmart is it like TK Maxx no but everything nothing's like Walmart everything else is a

everything else in the world is a shit version of Walmart every other store in the world is a shit version of Walmart and don't get me wrong Walmart's heartless and soulless as everything and the capitalism

yeah yeah but as a consumer there's nothing better in the world than Americans or supermarkets who are like, hey, do you want fucking everything? Yeah.

Do you want a pineapple and a fucking gun? Yeah, congratulations. Welcome to Walmart. Yeah. And then you shoot the pineapple. Do you want some cheese? How about Swiss cheese? No, it's all Swiss cheese.

Do you remember... Elliot, I'm going to interrupt you there. I've got nothing to say. This is why I drink and have a little empty. Please don't let this come into me, bitch. I remember in the UK the first time I went to Costco.

Have you ever done that where you go into Costco and you just... Where you've got to get the specific card because you've got to prove that you're in a business in order to get into it.

Yeah. It's the whole sale yeah oh yeah yeah oh my god just the way you go I I didn't know

I could feel this way yeah I didn't know that you could just yeah a lot of the UK is like maybe because our life expectancy is so low they're like

we're going to give you a day's worth of fritters as an option and then if you survive tomorrow come back tomorrow whereas America's like hey

do you need enough mayo for 60 years and you're like I do I do need enough mayo for 60 years why would I keep going back to the shop every week

for mayo I would just and they're like oh but have we put a whole bunch of poisonous shit in here that makes it last forever and you're like

thank you thank you for hey look buddy look this mayo lasts for 60 years but if you eat half of it, you'll only last for 30. We are saving you money and you're like, thank you online. You've solved both my problems. Everything's a heart attack, pain bomb here. I bought a folded pizza, not a calzone, which is the folded pizza. It was a pepperoni pizza folded over a block of cheese

and then they put it in the oven and melt the cheese but even when you like look at it it's like there's a full block of cheese oh it's just in my pizza

I had chicken and waffles for breakfast and you poured maple syrup on it I poured maple syrup on it and hot sauce and you had it with a beer I had it with a beer right

but that's more of a drink problem than an American solution alright because let's we should yeah the thing about America

when you come to America you just go it's so easy to get off of here just because the options

aren't available like I'm just like I love eating in America and also like their late night food you can get

high quality fucking pizza at three in the fucking morning in America massive slice of pizza massive slice of pizza the size of a pizza

and it was cooked ten fucking minutes ago because it's New York and there's fucking twelve million people so they've just got to turn over this level of food

at every fucking way as opposed to like in Edinburgh and I love fucking food in Edinburgh but it's like one in the morning

you're getting a kebab or you can fucking wait until breakfast kebab wrap with chips in it kebab wrap or wait until breakfast those are your fucking options if you want tacos

at four in the morning in America you can get fucking tacos at four in the fucking morning it's just genius the way they do it and I also think there's a little bit

like the way we slag off America in 100 it's like there's a cool trendy thing to be like oh Americans I honestly well they are the dumbest breed of but here's my theory on why they are here's my theory because this country is so great it alleviates the point of thinking hey what street i'm on 25th go down there where am i 26th you don't have to think

you just walk down it hey don't worry we worry. We're going to do everything for you. We'll hold your hand through it all. And that's just a fucking great way of doing things. Yeah, when everything's handed to you, and I mean this to the American people, the ones listening to this podcast. Some of you are viciously intelligent. Of course, I'm not going to make a blanket statement

that all Americans are stupid, but on average, you are thick as shit. On average, you are so sweet. So kind. So kind. So sweet. And that's also like, I always hate the fucking propaganda that the fucking left get about

how every single... If you go to the red state, you're like, oh, they're all evil there. Fuck you. Genuinely go to a red state in America and they will welcome you with open arms. I say this as a fucking atheist who believes in fucking science

and it does not like Donald Trump. Every red state I've gone to I've never felt more welcome now that might be because I'm white I'm not willing to

rule that out and after after finding out that I'm not a black person on this podcast you'll probably welcome me now as well yeah

yeah we love it but they'll be they'll be dubious yeah yeah yeah where's your mama from no they are...

My eyes are telling me yes. I don't know how to rewind. My ears are telling me no. My eyes! My eyes! Tell me yes! Thanks for the moment, by the way. Even like...

That's the thing, like, when you get told that, you know, the America people, the Make America Great people, Make America Great people, they're like, you know, they're like, they're like, you know, they're like, you know, they're like, you know, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're

like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're thanks for the mulligan by the way even like that's the thing like when you get told that you know the MAGA people the Make America Great people are Make America Great

again people are evil when you actually talk to them it's like yeah they're stupid and yes none of their opinions matter and yes their opinions

they do have are not based on fact but they will welcome you into your home their home they've got good scruples

yeah no but it's generally like they've never needed to know more the problem is I don't

think the right way in America is actually based on hate it's just ignorance it's sheer

ignorance they just don't because why would they as you've said everything is literally

handed to them on a plate so they just don't need to know more than they do so that's why

it's so easy to convince them. That like, hey, you know, there's a benefit. You know, they've got like, I mean, the stereotypes, limited knowledge of outside of America. But sometimes you think, why would you leave America? You can have all seasons in one place. You can have all climates in one place.

You can go skiing in Maine. You can go sunbathing in LA. You can go partying and gambling in Vegas. You've got everything. If you want to go to part of America where you can go sunbathing in LA you can go you can go partying and gambling in Vegas you've got everything like you've got if you want to go to the part of America where you can smoke weed

but there's other parts where you can't this is places where we would have to travel around Europe and experience other cultures we can't get all of that within the tiny little island

that we live on and also saying that we're just as hated in well me and Kai me and Kai Kai Kai will be as well.

I'm from the fucking North, man. I get twos of capitals. Northern stag dudes have never kicked off in Europe. In the sense that the Americans won't know the difference between Northern English and Southern English. Oh, but I could easily step into Scotland in a heartbeat. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. In Scotland, you're one of us.

We are one. You're one of us we're not you're a Tory you're a Tory you are a Tory if you're from anywhere south of Newcastle you're a Tory I'm sorry

there's two types of people Tories and Geordies there's two types of people Tories and Geordies right well as a black man I think I think

I think that's a weird do you feel because you'll get away with there's a weird do you think because you'll get away with there's a gig in Belfast called The Empire yeah

right which I guarantee this is why I get a like so I can go to Scotland, Wales, Ireland places that

like just instinctively hate the English right and I can go to them and not be hated even though I am English I support the England football team

my passport well I mean it says I'm British, but regardless. It's because the reason they hate the English is because of the oppression by the government. Now in the North we also suffer the oppression by the government, not me specifically but passively because of the Thatcherism and because of the closing of the coal mines because of the national nationalizing the real privatization of the rail service we got cut off so you hate the people hate the English for the government but also Geordies hate the government yeah right so that is why the Geordies get a pass not because of accent not because we're similarities not because of our accent not because

of our similarities but because of our oppression and the reason you're all Tories is because you're all under the Tory government

even though I know most English people I know do not vote for a Tory government Tory government still gets in and it's absolutely not from racism

because you're not a fucking race but like it's a form of like yeah I'm putting you all under the same fucking banner I'd say it's racism but on a just of like, yeah, I'm putting you all under the same fucking banner. I'd say it's racism

but on a justifiable, like, episode. That's horrible. That's a horrible little side bite. Someone cut that. I'd love to see someone clipping it.

Elliot Steele's not black. I'd say it's racism on a justifiable, no, I mean like. Somebody send me that as like a ringtone. It's alright, could you cut that Somebody send me that as a ringtone. It's all right. Could you cut that?

Send me a text message with it. But it's like you're hating a group of the English, which I actually understand, and I can get... I'll get with it. And do you know why I can? Because my quality of life is better. Because I live in London.

Compared to fucking mine okay no no yeah yeah I because you may be

richer than me and Elliot but you couldn't just waltz out of your house and into whatever you want yeah I can walk to a

climbing wall I can walk to a fucking MMA gym I can walk to a Nando's I can walk to a what a walk like I can walk to a climbing wall I can walk to a fucking MMA gym I can walk to a Nando's I can walk to a What? An Edinburgh

No walk Like I can leave my house And walk to whatever the fuck I want Like London Because I'm on top of it I think you're purely Deciding this is based on Where I live in Edinburgh

I can get to the No no no Like literally in London A mile away In London You are literally Fucking 15 minutes from

Anything you want Aye Well the same with fucking New York Like whatever time Yeah yeah yeah you are literally fucking 15 minutes from anything you want. Aye. Well, the same with fucking New York. Like, whatever town. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. So, our quality of life is, it doesn't matter how much money you make, our quality of life is going to be better than yours because we are closer

than anything we want. I just fully disagree with the term quality of life there because as if, because, I fully agree with you in the sense that

you've got more available to you but you're sitting there as if I'm in my husband's like, I can't walk to a climbing gym. No, you can't. I don't want to. That's just one of the things I round up. What can you walk to? The Scott Made.

I've got to agree. Don't pretend I live in a fucking third world country. No, you don't. You don't. But London is on top of things. Honestly, I can go, oh, fuck, I want to go see Book of Mormon. I can go to it. Harry Potter,

Cursed Child, go to it. I can go see Lea Mays. I mean, I'm just naming musicals now. But I can still see those. The cinema, right? You are,

like, you're not, you're, I'm not, I don't want to be in the centre. You're a little bit cut off. But, but,

I really, I get what the point you're trying to make but it's just so yeah you'll get a bigger house being in the suburbs I'm not but I'm

in any other city compared to London is the suburbs no yeah sorry in the UK but I get what

you're saying there's more but it just depends on what your definition of quality of life is. I don't want to be surrounded by that many fucking people. Opportunity! I don't need opportunity mate. Like all I need is...

When you're in the house you just need poor Wi-Fi. I've got, aye fuck you, I've got great Wi-Fi now. That's a recent move. Aye aye aye aye aye aye aye. But that's not how it is. How many years did that take? One more, that wasn't fucking head

that was that's what I love about that it's so cool and you walk around and then it used to be immediately beaten by you go

my wifi's not working and you just go one thing I'll give you for me quality of life is here's what quality of life I

and I know this is a bad example at the moment because I've said it I do not want fucking neighbours at any fucking point in my life ever again. I don't want it.

I've never met a single one of them. I don't want the option. I don't want to ever share an elevator with someone I don't know. I just, I'm not interested in people I don't know. I'm just not. One thing I gave you is that it was more picturesque. Yes. It's the most beautiful thing in the world.

So I used to go for a run down the Waterleaf when I go for a morning jog, and that is lush, but I've still also got the canal in Victoria Park. Some parts of London are stunning. And London's actually got, even though New York's got Central Park, I think London's got more green area because it's spread out and dotted around.

I think it's got more... I've heard this, I mean, I've been given this as a fact. I don't do my research more green areas than Scotland yes

your whole country yes Scotland Edinburgh yeah dude there's

fucking Hyde Park Richmond Park even Meath Gardens just outside of Maine you're never

far away from a fucking park area in London there's so much green areas Richmond Park has deer

running around. All the canals everywhere. Have you two been to Edinburgh? Yeah. Yeah? I've never seen a deer. So you've got that

little strip outside the fucking Waverley that's in the city centre. Yeah, we've got that little strip out there. That is not from an high pass. Oh, so okay,

so what's Arthur's seat and then all the other hills behind it? He's got a good point there. Let's watch about all the fucking mountains in Edinburgh where the fucking

dry ski slopes are what are you fucking talking about you actual psychopath hold on I'm gonna I'm gonna stand by it and say yes I think but only

because of the fucking vastness of the city is London has got more green space well let's generally check out but I'm gonna say

that you've got this per capita you've got like Edinburgh has probably got more green space per mile, like square mile. Okay,

but in the same day, okay, but in the same way, your population is six, the population of London is two million more than the population of Holstorf. So,

I'm going to say I was correct with my statement, but on a technicality. But should I tell you what neither of our cities have? Whole foods. Whole foods. Whole Foods. And that's where it's going wrong.

It gets back to that. So just FYI, America, look, if you want to, you know, look, we all know how much you love oil. Scotland has got a bunch of fucking oil. Why don't you come all over? Also, fossil fuels are a thing of the past and Scotland's got lots of wind. In Scotland, steal its wind.

And also solar power. Okay. Wind. Wind. Right. I've got to go shower before we get going. So I'm going to

plug a couple of shows. Now, I, New York, I am in you every single day doing probably two shows a day at the Soho Playhouse

on Van Damme Street in Soho just near Tribeca the show's called X Tickets they're available on Dinosauce.com I've added a bunch

of American dates including Seattle and Washington there's another LA show being added there's also Spokane wherever the fuck

that is Vancouver you have a show there or Toronto I can't remember which one of you is but it's one

of them check my website Vancouver, you have a show there, or Toronto, I can't remember which one of you it is, but it's one of them, check my website. I am also presenting a show at the Soho Playhouse, which is basically, I'm not on it, but it's basically where I bring some of my favourite comedians

to do their solo shows. On Saturday the 9th, I will be in the room watching. Yeah, watching. But basically, if you come to my show... If you want to come say hello. Yeah, most days that you come in, apart from Mondays and Tuesdays, I think, if you come to my show at 7 o'clock, 1,

there will be another show downstairs on afterwards at about 9, which will feature comedians who I like, who may have been on the podcast at one point in time. Who knows? it's entirely up in the air there's really there's really cool shows after and there are really cool

shows after as well right should we get into your father's also I'm going to be in Adelaide and Melbourne in the coming months and I've got Leicester

Comedy Festival where I'm previewing my new show that I'll be taking to Edinburgh this year on the 19th. If you had a visa. If I had a visa.

But Leicester, they're really strict there. They're TSA. I had to give my fingerprints before I could enter the city. All good? Yep. Yes. Cool.

Kai, when your dad has diarrhoea, he just plugs his hole with his finger. Elliot, your dad threw a branch over the bridge and ran to the other side to watch it floating by but it never came it was just loads and loads of traffic

Daniel your dad lives for pointing out continuity errors in films he does he does Elliot

your dad whispers racial slurs into kittens ears Danny your dad cuts his racial slurs into kittens' ears. Danny, your dad cuts his hair with a pizza wheel. Kai, your dad's LinkedIn is just a recipe for his homemade shepherd's pie. Kai, your dad's arse has a QR code on it. Elliot, your dad says,

bish bash bosh, job done, when he finishes shagging we don't think he's bosh he's facetiming us oh is it me sorry Danny your dad puts up how to shuffle dance videos on YouTube

Elliot your dad uses two cups connected by a piece of string to send unsolicited dick pics Elliot, your dad chased the ice cream van down the street for three blocks and when it finally pulled over he asked him the time I said, ice cream time and he went, oh, I forgot my wallet.

Kai, your dad got sent home from work for saying Mo Salah hits the dick harder than a meal in No Salah. Also, I was going to say, what do you mean, deck and not dick? Yeah, deck. Oh, no. Kai, your dad chooses shampoo by the flavour Elliot your dad still has all the baby weight from eating for two when he was still in his balls Danny your dad's wedding vows

were just him going A-E-I-O-U M-L-I-O-U. M-L-M-O-P. Elliot, your dad auditioned for the part of the sun in the Teletubbies. It was devastating. Just sat there watching a baby being like, who's that fucking cunt? That's why I wasn't allowed to watch it as a kid. I wrote this one when I was high.

I know all these were high. Yeah, but this one in particular. Daniel. Yeah. Your dad puts pepper on his cock before he sucks his own dick in the hope that he sneezes at the same time as he comes so that the Lord and the phlegm clash in the middle like the one fight between Harry Potter and Voldemort. Other thing. like the one fight between Harry Potter and Voldemort. He would fight in his orgasm

by feeling an extra one-eighth of the sneeze. Danny, your dad has a hemp kai collection. Elliot, your dad disabled the comments on his YouTube makeup tutorial channel because a lot of the negative comments were getting to him

Elliot Elliot your dad got the midnight train going anywhere but I guarantee he's going to end up in Cockfosters

Kai your dad is 59 and on his first gap year train going anywhere but I guarantee he's going to end up in Cockfosters Kai your dad is 59 and on his first gap year Kai your dad's passport photo is used in books to teach autistic kids the emotion sadness

aye where your dad presses the demo button on his Yamaha keyboard and then pretends to play it. First of all, we've all done that. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. Danny, your dad sells palms and that's why I think he's fit.

By the way, Martin, DM him. Elliot, your dad dropped his gay card and has put posters up around the city offering a £500 cash reward. Weirdly, he got out, but they won't let him back in with it. Elliot, your dad's got love and hate tattooed on his toes. Well, Kai, your dad used a Snapchat filter

on your grandad Harry at his open casket funeral oh is that why you asked to his favourite grandad it was totally true genuinely yes I thought that was made of a name let's hope neither of them listen to it oh wait

Kai your dad wants to be bullied at SeaWorld Daniel your dad panics when he has to change his moon cup in the public toilet I'm out Kai your dad Instagram lives his panic attacks to raise awareness of people who are scared of geese.

Alright, I've got to go show him a bunch of shows. Bye, cats!