Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.22 Carey Marx the Spot

Episode Date: February 27, 2019

Muggins is in Australia sharing house and stage for 2 months with fellow Aphantasia sufferer Carey Marx who joins him on the poddy for a bit of tomfoolery. After briefly failing to explain dungeons and dragons they discuss their mind blindness and make fun of mutual friend and previous guest Milo McCabe for thrashing about the floor to relieve the trauma of his school nativity. 

I can't believe you made fun of my dad for the fact he used you as his husband. Oh, muggles. Accidental rent job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Remain, do you know what it's called?

Yeah. The podcast? Yeah. It's called Sloss and Humphrey's on the Road. That's it. But it's not. So how are we doing it this time? Because he's not here, so do you just talk about him? It's usually Sloss and Humphrey's on the Road.

Right. Because we're usually on the road. But every now and again, we're not on... Well, on the road still, but on different roads. So what we'll do is we'll just put a podcast out with a guest. So welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the podcast. We have started. This is Kerry Marks.

Oh, we're already on, are we? Yeah. Oh, well, thanks for the warning, mate. I don't like the way you work things. I just thought I'd like to capture your preamble as well. So does he record his own separate ones as well? He's meant to. He says he's going to. says he's gonna he has fucking

an array of guests like Gareth Waugh and Mickey Bartlett who have guested on past two in New York but he just alright and you've got me yeah

that's really nice no but I'm just saying I hope you're not competitive I'm utilising my opportunity Kerry we're in Australia it's a pleasure to be on your podcast

thanks mate wow this is my second time third time second time yeah second or third because you've been on Guested by me and Danny

have done it and that was when we were playing we were playing board games weren't we we were playing Walking Dead Risk

yes which was fucking great that was great it was a great game thoroughly recommend but this year I've got you on board with Dungeons and Dragons

I'm going to learn Dungeons and Dragons I'm going to learn Dungeons and Dragons I've always been interested to learn it it's one of those things that misfits play you know misfits really fit

don't they yeah I've noticed that the misfits have their own they find their place as a kid as a school boy I kind of realised

that I was kind of one of the misfits but not enough of one of them so I didn't really fit in with the misfits you couldn't get into the club

like a bunch of dorks into wrestling you just weren't quite dorky enough to get in with those boys and then the people that were they got a nerve calling themselves

misfits at all really it's such a big gang they actually fit in better than anyone because they've actually been left with no options I think one option guess having one option is a hell of an option

isn't it yeah they're the ones that nobody sits next to in the dinner hall in your cliche American movie so they'll all

find themselves at the table all the people who have no one to sit next to sit next to each other they'll just find each other whereas if you're cool as fuck

and have a multitude of options you're just like god I could hang on to anyone it's like choosing something on Netflix there's so much good stuff but it's also they are taking options, you're just like, God, I could hang on to anyone. It's like choosing something on Netflix.

There's so much good stuff. But it's also that they are taking over the world, aren't they? They were once just misfits. Going back far enough, the people we now call nerds, geeks, and so on, they were just people. What the hell did geeks do before computers and stuff? What were they? Stan Lee did it for them, really. They did facts about things.

Stan Lee brought the comic book nerds into the mainstream right yeah and the Marvel things are now cool in our leg but also the age of the computer

and so on and also because I suppose we came from a time where everything was muscle you know all work

was about strength and lifting things and so on and then was it Jesus who said the geek will take over the earth

I think he said that the geek will inherit the earth the geek will inherit I think it was that it might be a mistranslation I think it Jesus who said the geek will take over the earth I think he said that the geek will inherit the earth the geek will inherit I think it was that it might be a mistranslation there somewhere there's another one

as well wasn't there there's a couple of them were the geeks well they're Jesus yeah that's right yes he went on about geeks a lot it does depend

on the translation I think you sound like a bit of a jock if you ask me fucking big quarterback for the football team It does depend on the translation, though. I think you sound like a bit of a jock if you ask me. Fucking big quarterback for the football team. Yeah. So we're going to do Dungeons & Dragons soon. So we are going to do...

What's the excitement of Dungeons & Dragons? Why do I... Okay, you described it to me the other day for probably a couple of hours outside. You described through a few games and it just sounded like you were mental. Yeah, that is how it sounds. And it doesn't stop sounding that way either.

So basically, yeah. I don't know how to describe this because to get into Dungeons & Dragons, right? I could see a psychiatrist certifying someone and then going, no, I'm just describing a game that I played. Yeah, but you sound like a fantasist because you are. That's exactly what it is.

It's a world of fantasy. Then I change into a dragon and I cross the river by juggling. Yeah, it's that sort of stuff. So the Dungeon Master sets up a loose structure of an adventure that you could go on. He sets up some interactions. You choose how you interact. And the story builds from the loose starting point

that the Dungeon Master sets up. So he does a bit of homework before the thing he sets the scene and he puts you in a bar he says there's some people playing cards in the corner the barman's like uh washing the glass it's so fucking nerdy right so he sets that up and then he's like what do you do now and then you can go i'm going to go over and start playing cards with these people and you start an interaction eventually something pivotal will happen like someone busts in the door and starts playing cards with these people and you start an interaction. Eventually, something pivotal will happen, like someone busts in the door and starts a fight with someone else. And there's no board or anything, is there?

It's a floating game. So there's like five or six of you, including the Dungeon Master, possibly more, possibly less, but five or six is a good number. And between you, you're building a story and it's really loosely structured and anytime you attempt

to do something like say if I want to challenge you with a fucking arm wrestle for half your gold we'd have to do a dice roll depending on what stats

and what and your character cards have got different stats do we physically arm wrestle or do we just I mean you know what or do we just roll the dice and decide who wins

the arm wrestle you could probably do shit like that it's like it's that loose you probably could fucking whack out an actual real life arm wrestle or you could just I didn't know it's like it's that loose you probably could fucking whack out an actual real life

arm wrestle or you could just I didn't know it gets that exciting I didn't know there was reality people dress up and shit for it

people come and dress as druids and all that stuff you can be as fucking interactive as you want when you get into battles you can

set out like have you ever seen their miniatures where they've got a battle scene and they've got trees and stuff and then you've got

the miniature characters that you can paint. Okay. And you can put them down. I've seen that, yeah. So that you can start, it's all meant to be built in your imagination, but it's built on the, you can do it on the board. Danny's got a whiteboard, so if you go through a dungeon and you turn a corner and he tells you what you can see, you kind of draw it on the map and he'll reveal it on the map. So that you've got a visual representation too.

But what is... I suppose I associated this one from years ago hearing people I knew who were playing it who were proper geeky, nerdy freakos who would dress up all the time

in their outfits and are always talking, you know, play their characters in real life. They put their voices on and stuff. Yeah, yeah, right. There's a good one called

Force Grey which is Matt Mercer and he gets actors and voiceover actors I think he's a voiceover guy himself actually

I only know him as a dungeon master but he does voiceover stuff for like animations so they are really good at putting the voices on

so they can really bring it to life you know that's a good start point if anyone's going to get into it watch Force Grey I know Terry Crews is on one of them I haven't watched that yet you know, when they're doing it. That's a good, that's a good start point if anyone's going to get into it. Watch Force Grey.

I know Terry Crews is on one of them. I haven't watched that yet. No, Terry Crews. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's in Brooklyn Nine-Nine and White Chicks. Yeah.

Yeah, so, amongst many other things, but they're the two that sprung to mind. He went on because his daughter loved watching it and she was like, I'd love you to go on this show

so he learned how to play Dungeons and Dragons so he could go on the show that his daughter watches. So is Danny normally the dungeon master with you? Yeah I have a control freak isn't he. Is there a lot of getting his dick out? Is that what it is? Nah it's funny because he has a structure of where the thing should go but you don't have to roll with it. This is something I tried to explain here when we were drunk last night but there was this thing where there's these

wolves and normally wolves are the enemy and you attack them but for some reason who are drunk last night, but there was this thing where there's these wolves, and normally wolves are the enemy, and you attack them, but for some reason, we ended up finding out, like one of them found a scroll for like speaking to animals, which Danny had strategically placed

along the mission, right? And then we spoke to these wolves and found out that the wolves were actually people that had been turned into wolves. Yeah. And there was actually a bunch of animals that had been turned by a wizard

into these animals. This is where it starts out in mental, right? It is. So this is where the story has been built towards this. So what we've got to do... I don't think it's a game that really bears description. It's hard. It's like describing a fantasy film that you haven't seen.

Yeah. You talk about it as if it's a reality. Yeah, but I'm going to carry on down this rabbit hole. Okay. So we ended up with these two wolves no sorry there's five wolves I really feel you have to be there no you don't okay

I'm telling you as a listener I'm telling you half everyone is listening right now shut the fuck up I'll stop I'll stop no no carry on do your thing I've already found I tried to stop you the other day three times and it didn't work

that I'm going to keep going so basically we ended up it's like describing a whole book we ended up with this bunch of animals

that turned out to be people that had been turned by this wizard who had gone crazy with power into animals so we had to try and get the animals

turned back into people this is so fucking nerdy it's unbelievable but I love it so all of a sudden we're in this bar with all these fucking animals

and we need to get across the town hall but it's pedestrianised. There's loads of people there. So we decided that the only way we can get past the people without getting noticed or getting the guards' attention

is if we put on a performance. And because these animals are people that can take instruction and they're smarter, so we got them to do these really three wolves on the bottom, then two,

then one, like Pyramid of Wolves, right? Like a pair juggling and shit, right? Just want to say hello to people still listening. Not many. So Daddy's there going, well, this is a good idea. You're getting across the hall. So he's just going, right, let's go for it.

So we're rolling performance checks and charisma checks and all this shit. Charisma checks? Yeah. All right. So you've got different stats and you roll against them. To decide whether you've got enough charisma. Yeah, exactly. And it can go terribly wrong. Exactly, yes, of course. It makes absolute sense. So if you go to

fucking stack the wolves in a pyramid and then you roll a fucking three or something and the wolves are going to fumble over and fall and one of them's going to break its ankle and I've got to ruin it. How much charisma do you need to stack wolves? That's performance check, isn't it? But you need charisma to be like, roll up, roll up.

That's the last thing we did. That's the last thing we did. It was me, Eric Lampert, Elliot Steele. I just approached the crowd and I went, roll up, roll up, come and watch the performance of... And we hadn't decided on a title of our troupe yet and we're all just shouting out a different name for the troupe. It's so fucking nerdy.

I can't stress enough how nerdy yw hynny. Ydyn ni. Dwi'n gallu. Mae'n rhaid i chi. Felly, ni wedi llwyddo'r holl ffycin checs ar y daith, iawn? Ie. Ac y bobl sy'n gweld hynny ddechreuodd rhoi arian, gwael a gweld yn dda, i'r perfformiad oherwydd rydyn ni'n busgwyr ac rydym ni wedi sylweddoli ein bod yn mynd i wneud mwy o arian

o hynny. Ie. Yna, gwneud y misiwn wirioneddol. Waw, mae'n sôn fel ffilm gwych rwyf wedi'i golli. Felly, rydyn ni'n ddynol i ddynion ac... Gwlad. and we realised that we're going to make more money off that than doing the actual mission. Wow, this sounds like an amazing film I've missed. So we just enslaved the animals and... I'm glad. Little people. So you're still on board? I'm still going to play it, yeah,

but I'd be like the way that story trailed down. Then, you know, and that's what happened. That's confidence. I don't think you're supposed to I think the first rule is you're not supposed to talk to people about your games

nah you know daddy would be screaming at the podcast actually when I try to do that because I always I always try and like explain in jokes

to people yeah but like they're not they're the same they're wasted it spoils it for the person that was there

no I think I think fantasy is very much that you had to be there. Yeah. Well, this is something that I wanted to bring up because we are going to do Dungeons & Dragons. But I will discuss it again after. I know that after we play the game it'll just be both of us rambling.

Here's something. We both have a Fantasia. Oh, that's an interesting thing, yeah. But we are both fully on board with the idea of playing Dungeons and Dragons alright but aphantasia well explain aphantasia first I've explained it a couple of times

on the podcast so any regular listeners will be up to speed but I want to hear your explanation of it it's just not seeing visual images so it's mind blindness. Some people can just picture a red triangle right in front of their face. In fact, I've asked people about this. I didn't know they could do that.

You told me about it. In 2017. I thought people were going, yeah, okay, I accept that there is a red triangle there rather than I can actually see a red triangle. And, of course, we can't see into other people's heads, so we've got no idea what level they're at. But there are people who swear they don't see a very definite... Some people see a solid red triangle.

Other people just kind of see... There seems to be a range, doesn't there? There seems to be a very definite spectrum. The more I talk to Natalie about it, the more I think that she might also have it, because she's just... So when I try to say, it the more I think that she might also have it because she's just happened like so when I try to say can you see the image she's like well like it's in there but it's not in front of my eyes but we are mind blind so we I eventually

walk into imaginary objects I never saw them yeah you wouldn't even know they were there but then I spoke to someone like Paul Meyerhog and he is like okay I'm imagining a jetpack I can see the tubes coming out of it and the shuttle and I can see the blue flames and like I'm seeing these things and I can retrieve these things from my memory. You can see very definite objects in front of us. Yeah and so some people are talking like they can just create theatre in front of their eyes like and other people talk about like oh, it's deep in my mind, it'll take a while to conjure it up. But for me, and for you, there is no picture.

So when people say imagine or visualise, the image and vision part of it isn't part of it. There's no image or vision. But I've been learning to get better at this. So I've started doing a thing where I take a single image, it might be like this mug in front of me and so on, it's a thing where I take a single image it might be like

this mug in front of me and so on it's a very solid image very clear and blink it a few times and close my eyes and try and hold the image for a few moments and I can sort of do it now so I can't I'm not good at this yet but I know I'm getting better at it I think it's a muscle I think you can exercise it so look at this this orange right here right so you but the way you were doing it was looking at the orange and then closing your eyes but trying to hold the image of the orange.

Take how vivid the colour is, look at odd marks and so on and try and hold them when you close your eyes. Give it a go now. Yeah. I was trying it on the bus the other day because I was seeing a crowd of people go by and I was trying to close my eyes

and remember who was where, the woman with the bag, the man in the suit. And I was like trying to do that. And then I closed, opened my eyes again. And I was like, I've just remembered them kind of as data and as words. But you know how it's actually, I wonder whether it does affect your memory, your memory for people's faces and names. A hundred percent. I'm terrible at it. Directions.

You know how, You know how all women look exactly the same, yeah? You know what I've realised recently is that when you walk around, I've realised, you know that part of the brain that's racist, the original people said

Chinese people look the same and so on, it's largely because they hadn't met many Chinese people. Obviously you mix more with people, with any culture, you get to see those differences. But there's still regular patterns regular patterns right so like with Australian

voices I realize my brain does that an awful lot in that I'll be walking through Perth and I'll hear Brendan Burns all over the place I'll keep looking yeah there's Brendan and no there's not and other Australian friends I thought had distinctive voices yeah it turns out they have one of the seven Australian voices yeah but if you heard me or Gavin Webster or John Fothergill or Chris Ramsey or Matt Reid or any other Geordie, you could probably distinguish each of us. I probably could, yeah. However, an Australian who heard either one of us would just probably think that we all sounded the same.

Maybe because before I came to Australia the first time, I wasn't aware that their voices were of a pattern that's a common one. I wasn't aware how common they are they're really common so you think you've got mind deafness as well probably well that's the thing that's what I presented to people when I was talking about like when they were talking and saying

when they challenge it right and go well there must be something you must be able to say something I'm like no but you can't you can, but you can't just conjure up feeling. Go through your other senses. You can't put your hand out or imagine sand running through your fingers. You can conceptualize it. You can kind of imagine in the way we use the word imagine, sand running through your hand. It wouldn't feel brand new to you

if you then poured sand through your hands. You know what that feels like. But you can't just conjure up the feeling of sand running through your hands. Do you mean if you've never felt it before? No, like now if you have, like I'm saying,

what would the word for? I would know what it feels like. So let's do it like. It wouldn't surprise me every time I do it. So that's why when Andy Askins walks through the door later, I'm not going to be shocked

by the sight of him even though I can't close my eyes and bring up a picture of him. It doesn't mean I forgot what he looks like. Right. Right.

So it's like the same as the smell, right? I know what a roast dinner smells like but I can't just like close my nose and then smell, use my smelgenation

to smell. How observant are you? Huh? What colour eyes do I have? Oh shit. I can't just close my nose and then use my smelgenation to smelgen. So how observant are you? Huh? What colour eyes do I have? Oh, shit. I'm going to guess brown. And you were looking at my eyes just as I covered them. I was staring deeply into them.

Doing a bit creepy. Yeah, I was actually doing a head tilt and my lips were starting to pucker. That's actually the real reason I covered my eyes. This is an excuse. So you've got brown eyes have I? I don't know but I'm going to back it back to you what colour eyes do I have? No I do have brown eyes blue

do I have blue eyes? You do have blue eyes greenish, you're more sort of blue green do you know how many people that just causes us to stare into each other's eyes after joking about it essentially it's just us two in a room. Yeah, it's recording, but you know,

if we just turned the recording off and then done that, it would be so awkward. No, to tell the truth, we rehearsed it. Look, even my eye now. Can you see my runny pupil? Have you ever noticed that before?

Yeah. It's like a yolk that's been busted and just runs down my face. Well, not my face, my eye. Okay. What is it? It's just a um disfigurement i thought someone just cracked your eye badly you're like an egg yeah i just

didn't go right through to the neighbor's window i think that's what i butted a wall um so to the aphantasia thing, do we... There's no real cure and there's not a lot that's really known about it. In fact, it was only discovered a while ago, wasn't it? I can't remember how old the article was, but the guy who wrote the first article and then a lot of people started looking into it. But at that time, he was shocked to discover that this was even a thing,

that he didn't realise other people were actually seeing stuff. Yeah, because how does it even crop up like what age were you two years ago what age was I two years ago yeah 50

you spent 50 years actually I would have been 49 at the time when we first discussed it yeah yeah with all that time without Fantasia

without realising without knowing it without knowing yeah and then a whole new type of envy formed that I didn't know. Yeah, but I got past that real quick. I got past that real quick, that other people have this superpower. Because I see a lot of other people with mental health issues.

Yeah. And I think it may be something to do with the fact that you're fucking battling while these images are flashing yeah but I think we should get disabled badges and be able to park

wherever we like and use whatever toilets yeah and also get some grant yeah I wonder what

other abilities are of of the main I'd love what abilities would you really like to have that you're not

good at because I would love to be better at names and stuff people I think it's

a real winning characteristic yeah I have to remember Milo was amazing Milo Milo McKay are not good at because I would love to be better at names and stuff I think it's a real winning characteristic yeah I remember Milo was amazing Milo McCabe when I was living

with him in Perth and he's very good at remembering names I know a number of people who just like they'll remember names going back a long way and every important

and useful person has remembered them Milo's probably read some fucking volumes of books about building a mind palace and he's got a little file of facts

where he'll put different traits I think that's like partial ability but partial something that he's really worked at because it's going to progress in life which is not

to be frowned upon I think it's natural as well, he's got a natural Superman gene you know, whatever Superman had he's got a bit of it, Yeah. You know, whatever Superman had, he's got a bit of it. He springs out of bed in the morning and he's like ready for life. And he's constantly excited. Yeah. So Melo is one of our friends, also a comedian. Does a character act called Troy Hawk.

He's a very funny man. He's just been in Perth for a month. Yeah, he had a great role there. He had a storming role there. Sold out shows, great reviews and awards and stuff. Not awards, but the award for the week and stuff, which means that he got nominated for the main award. And he made some very good friends.

Very impressive indeed. He also adopted a technique. He'd be like a really shit brother to have. He was successful at everything. Yeah, would you just end up being this stoner bum? Yeah, exactly. You wouldn't even, it wouldn't be a competitive edge. It would just be a submissive bend of knee.

Yeah, yeah. You're the one that gets every man's attention. I'm going to... Yeah, but his flaws are his faith in the hocus pocus. He went with a fucking... He went with a fortune teller and that who, like, just guessed until they got it right. And then he walked out going, oh, my God, I can't believe the fortune teller and that who like just guessed until they got it right. And then he walked out going, oh my God, I can't believe the fortune teller knew that I...

I love the fact that people always say I'm being open-minded. No, no, you're being decided. Yeah. You made a decision and gone with it. So just because Milo is so perfect in a way. I love finding out about his flaws. Everyone needs a flaw. I fucking loved it when we went skiing. It was me, Dan Nightingale and Milo.

Right. And it doesn't matter how cool you are, if you just can't ski for shit, you just look like a... So me and Dan went from looking like fucking losers next to him in day to day life right to being on the slope where I'm just fucking

bombing down riding a switch and Milo was there handsome tall out the window because his knees are pressed together

his heels are pointed out he can go any speed and his hair will not move but he's perfect he's in the tucked position he looks like a cutout you do

you know you know when you you know when you do the tuck when you're going really fast on your skis? Yeah. He was doing that while constantly applying the brakes. So he's going down in the pizza position all tucked and everything. And then I'm waiting at the bottom. I started a time-lapse video so I could get all of the people that would come down between me and him, even though we're set up at the same time.

And he'd come down and then he fell and then he needed a little plaster on his thumb and I was like ha I bet Milo was he still quivering let's get you off the snore so you can be cool again so that's a

I bet Milo gets that a lot though because he's like I bet a lot of people like try and bring him down yeah of course people love failure in people like Milo. If you want to see a flaw, just say you're too perfect. So what I love hearing from you is that I've always known Milo's interviews,

like psychics and stuff, and he's asked the universe and reads The Secret. You told us that he was trying this thing where you lie on the floor. Did he read The Secret? That's really interesting. So I was making fun of The Secret all through the festival. Oh, yeah. I didn't realize he was a reader of it. Yeah, he loves that stuff.

So he did this thing, talked me through it. You lie on the floor. Okay, I don't think it's fair to talk about this because I live with him and it would be really unkind to make fun of him for this, but let's do it. So another housemate that we were we were living with showed us um uh it's called tray it's called um tension release exercise um and what it is you lay on her back and then uh gets in a particular position where your feet are pressed together and you start quivering

um but she when i say quiver that's understatement of the year it was proper thrashing it was throw yourself around head twisting all over the place evangelical fucking full on but the evangelicals say rapture dancing

yeah rapture dancing Michael Jackson thriller but it's they would say it's it's jesus entering the body but trey people believe it's it's um uh tension uh release the this trauma is escaping the body which is a kind of odd mix of mixing up trauma as in uh you know physical trauma and and mental anguish uh putting it all as one thing that the bones and muscles apparently hold on to this anguish putting it all as one thing the bones and muscles apparently hold on to this anguish and then they let go of it and it comes with interesting

facts like at one point we were told don't do it for more than 15 minutes otherwise it has a reverse effect it brings trauma back into the body the trauma, so Milo's there set the scene, Milo's lying on the floor. The trauma, like, so Milo's there, right? Set the scene.

Milo's lying on the floor on his back, right? He starts trembling. All right, so we both gave it a go, because I'm not going to be rude to someone. So I lay on my back, and after a while, yeah, you do get a certain tremble going, because you're tensing the muscles, and when you release muscles in that particular position,

lifting your waist up and so on. So you're on your back, feet pressed together, all pressed down firmly on the ground, and then you raise your groin area, your bum a bit, you know, and that way there's a lot, you can do it, even down the chair, you feel safe, do it, try it now. Try it on the chair? Try it, try it. No, this is not, you can't see what's happening now. Just let a little tremble go.

No, I've got too much. Push down your feet. I've got too much costability. Push down. We're going to train my thigh on a regular basis later. I'm going to be here for a good fucking 20 minutes. It works for really weak people. It's odd how people with weak middle areas have the most tremble, isn't it?

They obviously get more trauma there. It's not that they're weak more trauma yeah it's not that muscles are starting to give in after a couple of minutes so it's basically you're just anyway milo got it going and um and i i i had the level of it that you would expect from tensing and releasing muscles um and then but milo got it going and then uh uh there was a discussion between the two of them of regular oh I haven't had my shake today I've got to go and do a bit of shaking

got to have my shake yeah oh my god so I've got one housemate who's getting back ache and she figures it's because she hasn't done enough shaking he's a lovely person

I'm not going to make fun of her but then but Milo we'll make fun of Milo but Milo definitely deserves it yeah yeah this is like Milo

let's go through the traumas that he's had right so Milo's there and go through the traumas that he's had, right? So Milo's there, and he's on his back, and he starts trembling like a salmon on a rock, and then all of a sudden the trauma of needing a sticky plaster when he was in Mosey and staying, he leaves his body, and then 15 minutes later, oh, no, I remember the trauma.

It's come back. Yeah. The time his dad corrected his picture he drew at school. The time his dad corrected his picture he drew at school. The time his dad put a picture he drew on top of the one Milo drew on the fridge. Or just, he signed Milo's picture. He said, well, if you don't sign it yourself, that's going to happen. Yeah. Make senior age 47.

Oh, my God. At the time when he was in the school nativity play and his family said that everyone else was good. You were a pretty good tree. Yeah, yeah. You were a sheep, but you mooed. You mooed. You had one lane. It was bar. It was yeah. You are a sheep but you're mood. You're mood. You had one lane.

It was bar. It was bar. You mood sheep. You're not meant to be the miracle of Christmas. There is no way Milo would have mood.

He would have been the best sheep there was. I think he would have like, he would have totally outshone Jesus as a sheep. on Jesus as a sheep. Like,

there's so much show that people are always going, that's an amazing story of a sheep. Like, the three wise men would have come into the, they would have just walked straight

past Mary, Joseph and the baby and they would have just laid gold, frankincense and myrrh down at the sheep's feet and it actually like, it'd be so good that afterwards yn y tref, yn y drosodd, yn y baby. Ac fe wnaethon nhw ddod â'r goll o ffrac a chynnydd o'r myrwyr yn y goll ysgafn. Byddai'n dda iawn, byddai'r ddau a'r ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y ddau yn y shave him then shave him and turn his hair into wool and then fast forward

fast forward 30 years and he's lying on his back trembling trying to get the memory of being shaved

because he was such a good sheep in the nativity it just makes it worse because it reminds me how much he shook when he was being shaved I love how this podcast

has become a roast of Milo it's my favourite just because I've always wanted to listen to my podcast and now that it's about him he will

this is how to do it I don't think Milo minds if it's good or bad publicity it's publicity what so yeah I don't think Milo Minds is good or bad publicity it's publicity nah what so yeah that was one of the things

that happened in Perth yeah you're going to do Perth this year well yes and no I really enjoyed Perth last time

I joined an MMA gym and I'd done like I wanted to return back to that the gigs were nice fuck man if you could spend any time in a hot country

they're really good audiences there sweet audiences it's because they're remote it's because I think I think it makes a difference to how well audiences react to things it's the most

and they're kind of they're kind of grateful it's the most remote city in the world you know that no it's not it's the nearest city to

it's Jakarta no it's not right no it's not and it's just not no it's not and it's just not you don't think so that was written

in a Bill Bryson book and then people looked into the facts and found out no it's not if you go by different well Kerry it's just not true

I could look it up right now and give you the facts I don't read Bill Bryson books without fact checking what he has to say try googling

a thing occasionally why don't you hear me out I've got a trundle wheel and I'll walk to Jakarta. You're the opposite of Milo. You specialise in being imperfect. You love not knowing things. Every time I do something good,

it's a real blessing. Your motto is it's close enough. It's like a reverse Sean Freud. It's like when you see he's doing well with me knitting. You're like, oh, that's great, isn't it? He's finally found something he's okay at.

How far have you got with that now? You made a scarf. I made a really... Have you reached your limit now? Of what? Of what you can do. No, so last night I got a bit fucking stuck. I'm trying to make a hat to people that are just tuning in.

I've started knitting. I think you gathered that by the context. I went there. I know he's really into knitting, but he's not good at buying wool because he came back with a load of itchy stuff. I come back with itchy wool. What's the point of itchy wool?

What are you supposed to make with itchy wool? Well, I didn't realise there were shaving children in the nativity. I thought they were just using sheep but no some children pass as sheep these days

that stuff's really itchy though it's like they've added extra itch yeah I don't know why you would because it's lovely beautiful

colours yeah and it's like a really nice thickness the reason I got thick wool is because it would

grow quick I'm trying to I want to make some stuff for my friend for Altitude Festival. Oh, you mean,

I thought you thought the wool is still growing. Oh, now I've walled it. I've put it in the greenhouse. Just plucked a couple of sheep off the tree. This is a very

sheep-heavy podcast, isn't it? I think it's because you're obsessed with sheep because of all the knitting you've been doing. You think so? Yeah,

this has been reverse engineered. So, yeah, I picked it up because you're obsessed with sheep because of all the knitting you've been doing. You think so? Yeah, it's been reverse engineered. Yeah, I picked it up because it's colourful, it's thick, and if I start knitting with thick needles and thick wool, it'll build a garment quicker, and that means I can churn them out a bit quicker. But it's itchy. I rubbed it against my neck, and I was like, you don't want to wrap that around your neck. No, I'm real sure.

So what are the answers on the postcard, listeners? But it's itchy. I rubbed it against my neck and I was like, you don't want to rub that on your neck. No, I'd be awful. So why, what are answers on a postcard, listeners? Why the fuck is itchy wall a thing? What am I meant to make with it? Because it would... No one goes, how would you like

an itchy jumper? Yeah. Itchy gloves? I've made an itchy blanket for your baby. Itchy socks? No. That's itchy underpants. No, thank you. I'm going to put itchy scratch mittens so you can't scratch your head.

We've got itchy mittens, you don't know it, you're just scratching your head for ages. It's never going away. So I've got this beautiful itchy wall that I don't know what to do with. And then I've got this other... It'd be weird to return a thing for being too itchy wouldn't it just take this wool back

it's too itchy or maybe they get that all the time I don't know well I just I'd love to know what it's for there's got to be a reason

oh no do write in on this one I really want to know what has anyone ever used itchy wool for and why I can't get my head around it

no because I'm looking at it going oh well I'll make something else then no you think that's rejected wool you think that would be thrown away before it ever makes it to a shop

so in fact you bought one ball of itchy wool was one thing but you actually bought two well I doubled down because like one ball wasn't going to make

a full garment was there a special offer on itchy wool? no I just needed yeah I guess so two itchy wools for the price of one I wonder why no one's

buying them yeah can I I'm gonna go back have you got any with barbs any that I've just gotta cut into my skin I just like you know I've been

I've been sinning a lot lately I just want my pennants so yeah I'm gonna have to go back I started trying knitting in the round yesterday. Do you know what that is? No.

It's where you get like two needles attached by a wire in the middle. So it comes back around the other side. And then you link it together. And you make a tube. So you're just continually knitting over and over and over. And it grows out as a circle. So you're making a tube so you start a tube but then what you would start doing is reducing it so that you would take stitches out

and it would come together and that's how you make a hat so i got that but the the tube the circular needles i got are too big so it would be more like for making the torso of a jumper than making a hat and i'm not on the level of making a jumper yet so are you making a torso first and then working out what it is well now i was going to make a hat and then realize my needle is a torso that's just a full body hat yeah just a burger i'm gonna knit you a burger a tea cozy for your body which is a burger a burger's just tea courses for people I think the loveliest thing is that you're

in 37 degrees knitting woolly things for people yeah yeah I didn't think you got a scarf

that you can't all you're doing is adding to the weight you're carrying home in your bag it's like taking

some lotion to the Arctic you'll be really glad when you get off the plane in England yeah I've just got a

bag full of knitwear yeah so yeah I fucked up last night I went and spent fucking off the plane in England. Yeah, I've just got a bag full of knitwear and I'm drawn. Yeah, I fucked up last night. I went and spent fucking, I can't remember

how much it was, maybe $50, $60 on wool and needles and I come back and none of them were the right ones. Right.

So, I mean, I'm building up quite the bag of fucking shit that I don't need. What would a jumper cost in wool?

Oh, never think of it like that. You'd end up buying a jumper for cheaper than what you would make a jumper. That's what I was going to say oh it's never think of it like that like you you'd end up buying the jumper for cheaper than what you would make that's what i'm gonna say yeah probably run about the same right yeah you could probably get a nice jumper for cheaper than you get the wall to make a job it's like even if people people have like oh i have had people mention when i do the instagram live videos of me knitting, people are like, oh, you're gonna start selling them

and start lining and chain them. I don't wanna, that's not why I'm into it. If there was money to be had, if I could get 200 pound for a garment, I could do a garment in a couple of days, right? Totally worth doing. But then, even then, even then, right? You'd be in a fucking sweatshop, churning them out.

It would start becoming your living. Your hourly rate would probably still break down to minimum wage so you don't want to look at it unless you just see one off designer things that were really

special or interesting you know some fashion statement rather than just following an exact pattern but even I just cannot see I'd be interested

to hear it do you know Kai's left comedy now because of his knitting? He's just selling T-shirts that he makes. This... So this week and last, right? I've done my first...

Nah. I just want people to want me for my comedy more. But yeah. No, I can see a backup. But mate, I go on Instagram live right and I think

it was something like 14,000 people watched me knit right over 24 hours and after 24 hours it cuts off

so in 24 hours 14,000 people sorry 1,400 people I'm not getting ahead of myself 1,400 that's quite a drop

1,400 sorry 4 people 4 people 1.4 people all right 14 what do you mean you were doing a live knitting so i just basically like a bit like this podcast right i just press record and i start talking and then but but with this i'm talking and i've got like i mean i can talk them through what i'm trying to knit uh but also they're popping up with

questions and i'm answering questions and i'm going to do it um actually I'm trying to knit. But also their pop knuckle questions and I'm answering questions. And I'm going to do it, actually, I'm going to do it every Monday. This is Australia Monday at 11 a.m. No, hold on. When was it? Fuck it. 11 p.m. in the UK.

That's when I'm going to do it. 11 p.m. Sunday in the UK, whatever time that is in Australia. How long for? Huh? How long is it? for an hour for an hour?

yeah so back to my point 1400 fixed my typo 1400 people watched that but when I'd done the maps and how many people had come to my show

and come to the Best of British and seen my comedy it was less than in a week less people had watched me do stand up so you've got a bigger crowd for your knitting

I've got a bigger crowd like yeah alright and also if I put got a bigger crowd like yeah alright and also if I put up a post that's funny there's a big knitting community isn't there

if I put a post up that's funny on Instagram or Twitter it does alright but if I put a post up on Instagram or Twitter about knitting

right yeah that's true most special interest things though isn't it I wish I had an interest it's getting that way where people are way more interested in my hobby now than my career an interesting it's getting that way where people are way more interested

in my hobby now than my career right yeah it's horrible when you can't compete with your own knitting isn't it

I do love it though I mean I am I am enjoying it I am enjoying it describe it what's the enjoyment you know is it just doing

a monotonous thing it's the creation it's the looking at something that was wool and is now a garment now it's like it's got patterns and you can see it happening you can see them fold in front of you It's the creation. It's the looking at something that was wool and is now a garment Now it's like it's got patterns and you can see it happen and you can see them fold in front here

Also, the same thrill people get out cooking and everything else. Yes, it's mindful It's like going through these motions once you get past the frustration They're dropping a stitch the fucking putting the tension too tight so you can't get in So there's a state mindful but there's times when it's like going through fucking road rage and i'm just furious like when i was trying to knit in the round last night but couldn't i was just getting i wouldn't be anything if there wasn't some jeopardy so there's the jeopardy but then when you get the floor going it's really good like i can put on a book and i can i can listen to the audio book without having any like thing pulling my attention away from it it's like it's focusing my eyes and my hands and keeping them busy. And you can't lie to yourself.

I would be totally capable of lying to myself. I'd be capable of buying a scarf and then adding a little extra bit whilst someone comes in the room. Oh, would you? Are you like Ron Burgundy in Anchorman when he's flexing with a weight and he starts counting from 1,000? The other day at the gym, I got onto a machine that someone was just getting off and it was already up to 10K

and I kind of took that one as my own. You just said it away. You'll stand by the water cooler. Yeah, well, it all has under my fingers now. He left them. You know,

part of the skill is being the finder, isn't it? Yeah, I guess so. I guess so. As long as you trick your body into it as well so so it goes up i better burn some calories um and you know what i love about the about the knitting as well is how lovely and supportive people are right like if i was to

work out for a few months train Muay Thai for a few months and then show the fruits of my labor show me like show me doing

some fucking pad work show the shape I've got myself into put a picture of my body on going this is what I've been working on which is actually

a fucking difficult achievement to get a six pack and get like good technique in Muay Thai people would be bring them down

a peg or two be fucking skinny skinny lad with a six pack and get like good technique in white tie people would be bring them down a peg or two oh you're fucking skinny skinny lad with a six pack it's like a fat girl with tits like you get

that kind of comment off people or if you're like you're sure you're hitting a bag someone will be like oh your hands

are dropping and you're not twisting your heel enough and people are like fucking having proper digs at you for your achievement

because it's a certain thing different times we get different reactions but if I get into knitting I could put up this shit this piece of fucking having proper digs at you for your achievement because it's a certain thing. Different times for achievement. You can get different reactions. But if I get into knitting, I could put up this shit, this piece of knitting and everyone would be going,

go on, son, that's real good progress and really get behind you. Similar to the encouragement Milo got when he was rehearsing a sheep when he was a child. Yeah, yeah. There's something about knitting.

You want to have a sheep now. There's something about knitting that brings out the absolute best, the best in people and that's what I think I like about it is that it's so utterly

harmless yeah it's so utterly harmless like even like even Danny who can be like one of the most like fucking

most master just get in here find a security bring you down competitive as soon as he got into knitting he starts being nice to people yeah and supportive

we're in a whatsapp team you're saying knitting brings out the best in him I think so in the Eric Lampere Danny stop

it's creeping us out how nice you're being I honestly think it brings out the best in people could this be something we

should be giving as prison sentences instead oh I can give prisoners knitting needles that's a good idea

there you are you just fixed the system there that'll bring the I can give Christmas needles. That's a good idea. There you are. You just fixed the system there. I'll bring the numbers down in context for that. Only because I've been punctured. Give them a jumper, they'll wear it. Give them a knitting needle, they'll wear it. Yeah, so that's what's going on. Yeah. yeah so that's what's going on

yeah and it's nice actually because it's one of those things you can do whilst watching TV or driving there's some patterns

you can do when you watch TV you can watch the match or something like that right but there's there's some patterns not really while driving don't do it while driving that was a better one

did you say driving yeah or driving yeah you could you should do you should just you know

just at the lights knit one purl one cast one off yeah oh shit it's been green for you just a bit ago

I've noticed something as well knitting makes a tea go cold oh yeah I bet it does it's because it's unbelievable passing time. It's like, time can just go like that. Doing monotonous things is really good for that as well. And also when you've got something to think about.

It's great for daydreaming. Long haul flights, I just chew through the long haul flight by knitting. How fast are you now? What? You're not fast enough to cause a problem for your fellow passengers yet are you? Just like trying to scarf all over the place. Oh man, I sound like a modem loading. That's not right.

There were sparks coming off my metal needles so I had to get bamboo ones but then the smoke comes off so. Right, that didn't happen did it? Nah, not a good happen. I'm slow. I'm pretty slow. You sit on the plane next to someone and go, this is going to be no threat at all. Yeah.

Are you allowed to take anything you need on a plane? Eric Lampert got stopped with his, and I got let on with mine, so... How many of you are doing this now? At the minute, there's me, Natalie, Daniel, Eric, and our friend Rooney and Gene. Okay, it's spreading. There's six of us,

but also there's everybody in Twitter and Instagram and Facebook that have got on board with it and kind of started at the same time with the same goal

are you talking about it in your act yet? no not yet I'm just wondering when it's going to become a thing where lots of comedians are going to catch on to this and then have knitting bits

you're already like you can start putting it onto Instagram and so on right? yeah so every now and then in the business something like that happens like when bits you're already like you can start putting it onto instagram and so on right yeah so that's it's every now and then in the business something like that happens like when when uh when the skiing gig started and suddenly there were lots of comedians going out skiing and then there was

a time where nfl is the current one everyone had skiing bits in their acts like there's loads of people yeah you know skiing jokes yeah and it seemed odd that was the most unlikely but new hack subject for comedians yeah I think there's going to be a couple of waves so where at this point in the future

we go oh not another knitting comedian see you know why it happened right I think we've already mentioned this on

the podcast I'm sorry if I'm repeating but it was actually born from toxic masculinity of if Danny's saying that he's better at anything

I put my mind to that's what he said right and then I just rhymed off a bunch of things I was better than him at. Whoa, fucking geared up and drunk. And I started raining off Muay Thai and fucking rock climbing. Is that toxic masculinity or just masculinity? It's what's labelled as toxic masculinity,

but it's what I just say is fun, competitive edge. It's the best thing. I think I'm more toxically masculine than you. Yeah, that's... masculine in you yeah I'm toxic you so it came to a point where I write off some stuff and he said I haven't put my main to that and then it then I was like well pick something that

none of us have put my mind doing he picked knitting so that's what started off it came from that but then like it's great that loads other people are getting on board but what is gonna happen is gonna have a critical mass are getting on board but what is going to happen is it's going to have a critical mass

of people on board where people start rejecting it people start getting grumpy old fucking oh what's all this shit about knitting

and all that it's going to get that isn't it it's going to have some people on the outskirts going fucking hipster bullshit but really it's just like it's going to be cute

until you're all old men as well then suddenly you're just old people knitting you become a thing it's only meant to happen for a year it's only meant to be cute until you're all old men as well. Then suddenly you're just old people knitting. You become a thing. It's only meant to happen for a year. It's only meant to be until Christmas. Really?

You're having a year of knitting? Okay. Yeah. And then we're talking about next year we should have another challenge. We should pick something else that we're trying to achieve before Christmas. Right. This is self-improvement, really, but with a competitive edge. But yeah, I think it might start getting labeled as like

hipster wank soon soon enough as soon as it reaches critical mass we're just going to look like hipster wanks at the minute at the minute we're just like a slightly ahead of a curve we're going to enjoy it while it lasts yeah is that what you're going to just get amazing at it yeah I mean I'm getting pretty good I learned how to do cable which is when you see

like the kind of oh you showed me that last night when you see the rope patterns going down a jumper I figured out how to do that now

I'm clumsy at it but like I can fumble my way through and it looks good when it's finished yeah I'm just happy you found a thing

that keeps you occupied yeah sick of us masturbating keeps you out of trouble it's helpful with stopping with the cigarettes

as well yeah it's good for oh lots of things yeah you were lots more fun before you started knitting

I mean last time you were out here with me we just got up to stuff you know what I've been careful before I've just I know what I'll be careful

before I I've just I know what I'm this is live I'm biting my tongue right now it's not live it's going out to real people I know what I'm

going to use that wool on now I'm going to make you a balaclava to give you an itchy face I'll teach you for being mean you know I don't have to wear it don't you you are it, are you?

You are aware of that. No, but you're so British that you're just wearing a robe. When you come into a room. Yeah, our guys do. Why is he wearing his balaclava indoors? We love the balaclava. Right, we wrote some

muggle corners down, but I'm not sure we're going to have a great deal of I'm not sure we're going to have a great deal of time otherwise we're going to overrun let's do some fast ones shall we quickly roll out

shall we roll out a couple of muggle corners one each is it muggles or dads what happens we're definitely doing the dads but we're normally

hitting the dads dads are a definite thing yeah they're what we're going to close on so if we're we've got five minutes to talk about muggles first of all

Kerry would you like to introduce Muggle Corner by telling the new listeners what a muggle is? As far as I understand, muggles are the common people, the ordinary folk, the normals. They do normal things. We like to think we're not them. They are we.

They are addicted to muggling, but they don't know it's an addiction, but it is an addiction because they can't help themselves. the more the muggle the more they want to muggle yes how was that basic bitches that was very good basic bitches bitches of basicness so you are not you don't have your finger on the pulse of the harry potter world but in the harry potter world a muggle is somebody who lacks magic it's just a human right yeah i like to call people muggles in the real world if they lack magic. You'll know who these people are.

They don't have that certain je ne sais quoi. Right. Yeah. Yes. You see it everywhere. Where do you see it? Shall I tell you my first muggle corner? Tell me where you see one, yeah.

I see muggles when they've been married a few years, maybe he's getting on a decade and they decide to renew their vows you've had your time in the sun Muggles you've had your party you've had it

the engagement party check the wedding check you've had kids check what you want more you want to have

the jaws too of getting married the sequel that nobody gives a fuck about you want to have the Jaws 2 of getting married? The sequel that nobody gives a fuck about? You want to have that? Fucking get back in your hutch, let someone else. You just want to make another day all about you, don't you? Yeah. You want to be celebrated for nothing new.

That, exactly. Read you in your vows. You think that's muggly? I think that sounds muggly to me. Can I give you some muggles? Yeah. And you tell me whether these are, I don't know, you tell me think that's muggly? I think that sounds muggly to me. Can I give you some muggles? Yeah. And you tell me whether these are, I don't know,

you tell me whether these are muggly. I think muggles are basically quite law-abiding unless everyone else isn't. So like, they'll wait for the traffic lights to turn green. Yeah.

As law-abiding citizens. Unless everybody else starts crossing the road then they'll cross the road with them. And like, oh well if he's doing it. Yeah. Then it's okay.

Also muggles I think, Everybody else was doing it. Yeah. Then it's okay. Also, muggles, I think they have. Everybody else was doing it. I think muggles have special birthdays. They'll go, oh, we have to do something.

It's her 30th. Like that. It's a big one. Yeah. Where someone else is going, it's a birthday. And also, I struggle with,

because we've got quite large friendship groups just because of the nature of travel. We're moving around, right? We're not on the same routine that I was perhaps when I worked at the Ledger Centre. When I worked at the Ledger Centre

I probably had like 10 to 15 members of staff who I was close to, family members who I was close to and birthdays would come around at certain times and there would be enough

in a year. But now there's far too many in a year. There's loads. There's everybody. Every day there's a birthday. Even if you look on your Facebook, if you have a look at the birthdays,

I'm at the point now where I don't even write on my wall. It's just too much. I'm always glad when I open Facebook and it's no one that really matters to me's birthday that I have to write a thing to. Also, our birthdays are spent all over the world. We could be anywhere in the world. We might be with other people.

They tend to be more spontaneous, don't they? Sometimes it's a bit of fun. We'll all go out and see who's around. Every now and then you plan a thing, and it might coincide with your 30th birthday. But I think with normal family people, it's like, no, 18th is important. 21st is important.

Everybody's one with a zero. My sister's like that. Anything that comes with a zero is a particularly big birthday. We have to do a thing. My sister's like that. Anything that comes with a zero is a particularly big birthday. We have to do a thing. Yeah, this is true. I thought it was my dad's 60th the other day. We bought him a microlight flight.

He's going to go flying. That's nice. It's good, isn't it? Yeah. My granddad used to fly aircraft out of Veshot, RAF station. He used to train the Spitfire pilots during wartime. All right.

And my dad's going to take the same flight path that he used to take. Okay. He used to train the Spitfire pilots during wartime alright and my dad's going to take the same flight path he used to take okay walking in that's a very nice present walking in his dad's shoes

so that's like flying his dad's that's the kind of little thoughtful effort that you probably wouldn't put in

of like 34th no you know so like if it is on a round number you can put like

a bit more something into it can't you otherwise that would be well you've had a lot of time to think about it all the knitting and everything

so it helps that's what knitting's for clears your mind do muggles I think muggles think their dysfunctional families are close

I mean just there's just a group of people who don't really get along but they have the illusion of being tight yeah they're all misfits they're all messed up in some way or other

but they're all going but they're the family everything's the family just so that Dan can come in by the way everyone in the back of the door is and the strange shuffling noise.

Hello, Kerry and Kai. Dan, you're sweating. What's that? Is that just the heat or is that you've been... Yeah, it is. I've just walked for an hour and a half. Muggles sweat.

Is this when the muggles make a feature of their weaknesses? So if Dad's a shit dancer, he'll have to keep doing his shit dance all the time. Yeah. Because the family will go, oh, that's what he does, it's his thing, you know?

They're really peddling out. The daughter who says park up keeps it going for her whole life. She says park up instead of car park, and it's just like her thing that she does. Biscotti. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And the other one who's got a really awful laugh, but in that kind of family, it's always like, ah, that's the laugh you do. We all laugh along when you do it even though it's really annoying.

Man, are these all about one person? You're just ravening them off. I am. It just sounds like you're being passive aggressive. Back on that one with the park hog thing. One of my mates

kept saying fairy up liquid. Right. Fairy up liquid because it's like fairy washing up liquid. But was that a genuine mistake or did you think it was a funny thing to say? I just heard it a couple of times and I was like, oh, you say fairy up liquid this is like very washable but was that a genuine mistake or do you think it was a funny thing to say I just heard a couple of times I think I used to very up liquid and then they keep saying they've got a

characteristic though yeah I'm the one who's his very other way right otherwise got no character yes exactly that I had one more muggle quite this we don't normally go this trigger happy on muggle corner normally hang on each one for a bit but since it's a rush job let's put one more inuggle Corner. We don't normally go this trigger. Happily on Muggle Corner, we normally hang on each one for a bit, but since it's a rush job, let's put one more in. I thought we were racing now. Yeah, we are. Is there a time limit on this?

We try and keep it to an hour. People have got that commute or however they listen to it. I'm sure some people would enjoy it if it was three hours long, but other people would look at it and go, fuck that. That's a mission.

What are we up to? How long have we got? We've got five minutes. Oh my God, rush. Muggles say Happy New Year long after it's been the New Year. Just so you know, if someone hasn't seen you since the New Year, they'll see you in February and be like, Happy New Year. Like, cut that out.

This is why I go so long without saying it. Because of this chit-chat. And they also congratulate themselves when they've written the right year or a cheque or a date somewhere. I put 2019. Yeah, they're writing it going, oh, fucking hell, it's June already.

Feels like a Tuesday. This year's gone quick, hasn't it? Yeah, so many muggles. Right, Kerry, before we do your dad jokes, can you plug what you have got coming up in the next Couple of weeks It's all in Adelaide

Oh thank you For reminding me Where I am Yes Yeah so we're Just around Doing the best Of British shows

And I'll be doing My own show My very own show Which is called Grumpy Pom Because they wouldn't Let me call it Grumpy Cunt

And it's on... So many rules. I know. They love rules out here. I mean, all them posters up on the streets where children are walking by and you can't put Grumpy Cunt out. I know. It's really ridiculous, isn't it?

Fucking Australia conformist. I know. It's pathetic. So childish. You wouldn't think that this was a country full of convicts a while back and now they're just like, oh no, you can't swear. No, it's because they were they can't let it go

this is so they spent years learning to follow rules exactly we probably shouldn't insult them by trying to get them to go to your show

oh yeah whoops so if any of you shit audiences out here want to come to my show you fucking ignorant idiot Aussies senseless bastards

people like you do a rude joke and they're like ew you fucking ignorant idiot Aussies. Senseless bastards. People are like, you do a rude joke and they're like, ew. You do a dark joke and they're like, oh my God, that's so mean.

They don't even ew properly. They don't even like, ew. They just kind of like, ew. It's just a response that they've heard somewhere. Yeah,

but I want to say Australia, not you, Adelaide, you. Particularly you. Particularly you. say Australia not you Adelaide you particularly you if you're from Adelaide and listening

Perth's an example don't come but if you're an expat that just needs another grumpy palm to talk about the people of Adelaide

yeah come along come along people of Adelaide come along and prove me wrong you dumb shits yeah

so you are on at, what's the time? 6.30. 6.30 at the Griffin. You can see me once, one time only, and it's Sunday the 3rd of March at the Belgian Beer Cafe at 3.30. I'm doing one show only, and that's the Punch Drunk Show. Right. show. Right. So also if you're anywhere else in the country apart from Adelaide you can

go on to www.kaihumphries.com forward slash shop and buy my show on there. Use the discount code Muggins and you'll get it for cheaper. Kerry. Yes. Your dad downloaded a beef test and played it on half speed through Q-Labs and now he can reach

level 5 and he feels really confident about his police application. That happened though. That's just a fact. You know my dad really well. Yep. I seized his hard drive. I was expecting to find a lot more but I just found a beep test on Q-Labs. Alright, well your dad thinks that

corrugated iron is made of corrugate. And he also thinks that there's cardboard that's made of corrugate and he also thinks that there's cardboard that's made of the same stuff gets him confused when there's

like a garage roof keeps falling in your dad was a corner man in an amateur boxing gym and for a bit

of banter he used to throw the towel in while his fighters were winning by the corner man winning by the corner man what is the corner man

it's the guy that hands him stuff spitting the book gives him whispers wipes the back of his head with a sponge just tells him you've got it

is there training for that do they like go oh no you've got to hold the sponge like this generally it's a it's just the coach isn't it the coach who trains you

oh is it it's not like a specialised job nah but apart from your dad apart from your dad he was just he was a volunteer he got a certificate for it

he knew nothing about boxing he's got his own sponge yeah that's why it was amateur I never went professional your dad's still holding his first bowling ball because he never managed to let go of it

and he says he doesn let go of it. And he says, he doesn't mind carrying it around with him. He goes, it makes me really strong but the truth is his arm's just long. Well,

when I challenged your dad to a game of squash, he said he'd wipe the floor with us and now the floor's squeaky clean but I'm pressing charges. I've got him on assault. But are you saying that he could actually wash the floor's squeaky clean, but I'm pressing charges. I've got him on assault. But are you saying that he did actually wash the floor with you?

Yeah, it's traumatic. But that's more of a joke on you. That's not really my dad, really. My dad managed to wash the floor with you. I was in trouble. You were a sponge, mate. Now he's in trouble with the police. And now I'm going to have to lie on the squeaky floor and tremble to get rid of that trauma.

No, I don't know whether I accept this one. I don't think you've made fun of my dad because he used you as a sponge. Well, he successfully... That's a flaw in your character. Someone offers you a game of squash and you start mopping up those people. If this is what you see as a positive role model, then I think it reflects that. I didn't say it's a positive role model. I just think you come out much worse than this.

You don't get to make fun of my dad if he's turned you into a fucking sponge, does he? He's on the floor with you. I have collateral damage in this. Yes. Don't go, ha, ha, ha, your dad beat the shit out of me

really easily. That's not making fun of my dad. He turned you into a sponge. You're a sponge. I'm the one that's going to, I'm going to get a compensation and he's going to end up locked up, so who's the real winner?

All right. My one. Your dad gave birth to a son who was used as a sponge. Okay, your dad, when he was a kid, he wrote to Jimmy Savile asking him to molest him. Jimmy Savile.

Jimmy Savile. Jimmy Savile. He saw his picture and went, ugh. Your dad stood on the arm of the couch waiting for your mam to come into the living room and when she did, he hit her with a swanton bomb. With a what bomb?

Swanton bomb. It's where you stand on the turnstile and do like a forward flip onto your opponent. I don't know what you're talking about. Hardy boys used to do it. Well, your mum does. Ask your mum.

She's fell victim to it a few times. It's a wrestling move off the top ropes. Really? Yeah. Okay. A swanton swan. Yeah. A swanton?

A bobton swan. A bobton swan. You got it. You got it. Okay. Don't make fun of my dad using terms I don't know. On your mum. Your dad

will pop used bubble wrap for hours if you just sit next to him saying pop. Your dad puts clean underpants on when he goes to bed because he never know when you're going to get knocked over always takes a clean handkerchief with him as well okay uh do you know when people call people with learning difficulties, they call them window lickers? Yeah. And your dad gets really angry with that because he goes, don't knock it until you've tried it. Your dad also reckons that he can identify any window by its taste.

And he always walks past one of the cleaners and goes, you've missed a bit, even if you haven't. And then runs up and gets it. He always says to people cleaning his car, I go, you can clean mine if you like.

And he realises, oh, that is his. He pays them to do it. And then he says, you can use Kai as a sponge if you like. I can't believe he made fun of my dad when he got to the best when he used you to clean your floor.

It's so nice. It's him that needs to change, not me. Where was I opening? Your dad thinks it's easier to ask for forgiveness than to get permission, so he's currently applying for planning forgiveness for his extension. Your dad wears his shoes back to front in case he ever wants to walk backwards.

That's really hard to do. Your dad thinks eyebrows should be sisters and not twins, but his don't even look like friends. that's really hard to do your dad your dad thinks eyebrows should be sisters and not twins but his don't even look like friends from different families

he's got an eyebrow from a different place one of his eyebrows is older than the other one it's different colours one of his eyebrows came out first when he was born

by several hours he's gonna save these eyebrows um your dad practices swimming in the bath he wears goggles at all he's gone so good now he's thinking of putting water in Your dad started choking on his dinner and instantly ran into the bathroom to get the toilet plunger. Suck on it on his face. Your dad thinks he lives abroad. Your dad thinks he lives abroad.

He actually, when he writes a return address on an envelope, he actually puts his address down and on the bottom he puts abroad. Your dad carries a picture of Tom from Myspace around in his wallet. This is my friend. Top friend. Your dad was taking a picture of the beautiful lake at Loch Ness. And then the Loch Ness monster came up in full splendor. You know, it was there.

It was massive. And your dad just like, he just shook his head and waited for it to go down so he could take his picture it was like it's so annoying that thing getting in the way of this beautiful picture yeah what i was so still your dad says you want the good news or the bad news before singing the opening line to r ke's Bump and Grain? Your dad puts his hands over his own eyes and plays Guess Who on himself and he usually gets it wrong. Guess Who? Guess Who's the board game?

No, you don't guess who. You come up behind someone, you put your hands over their eyes, come on, guess who? Yeah, no, no. He does that to himself. And you can't get in? No, he's always,

he's just someone famous. Sounds great when people laugh. John Travolta. No. Then he goes that's right when people ask John Travolta no then he goes no he's not John Travolta Alan Titchmarsh Dean Gaffney sometimes he doesn't even answer

he has to take his hands off and have a look to find out if he was right fucking hell there's no one there I'm done are you yeah

your dad yeah your dad when your dad was a kid he thought he was someone else's imaginary friend your dad licks pussy with his shoulder he did it once

once years ago and the woman went that's not how you do it he went it's how I do it and he can't admit he was wrong so now he just tastes Once years ago, the woman went, that's not how you do it. He went, it's how I do it. And he can't admit he was wrong, so now he just tastes everything with his shoulder as well.

He's licking a window with his tongue and rubbing a pussy with his shoulder. Perfect day in the office. Anyway, your dad needs to find himself a new fucking sponge. Yeah, well, my dad does because you're a terrible sponge. I hope someone makes him that. You're a moaning sponge. I hope someone makes him you're a moaning sponge I hope someone makes him their sponge in prison

I can't believe you made fun of my dad for the fact he used you as a sponge I may chop that and put that at the start of the podcast