Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.23 Home and Away

Episode Date: March 13, 2019

You Know We Belong Together Muggins and Cream Forever and Ever Cream arrives earlier than muggins had expected in Adelaide setting up for an impromptu catch up podcast, expect lots of chat about knitting as it's still very much the hot topic and look out for a little bombshell that nobody saw coming.

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

Oh my god, I fucking missed you. I have missed you so damn much, listeners. It's going to be back. It's going to be back. I was wondering where that was going. Were you concerned? Aye. Because you earnestly said it earlier on today

and I was like well you're checking to see if I didn't record I'm just sat on your bed like I fucking miss you because they're your surprises today

no I didn't you just didn't know what I was I also didn't know what I was going to I think you just assumed that I googled you you assumed that I

just checked your diary because I can't get your diary online. No, is that a fucking dick move? Because I've had friends comment, so to the listeners,

sorry, let me just explain what this is, right? I do not pay attention to my own fucking career. I go where I'm told. Marlena sends me a week by week fucking thing

of my fucking itinerary. Oh, you go mad if you look too far ahead. Yeah, yeah. I vaguely know I'm going places. I pay attention to what I'm doing

in the next fucking three days. All I really need to know is, have I got something on tomorrow that's not my show? Is there a specific time I need to be awake tomorrow? Or can I wake up whenever I decide to fucking wake up, right?

And so I've never, ever changed. I travel too much. I'm just on the American tour, which we'll talk about in a second. I'm travelling a lot. So whenever my friends in Australia are like, hey, when are you in Australia? All I've done is just link them to

dinosloss.com and they're going they're like oh god you're not at that level I'm like no that's where I get my information from congratulations

you now know exactly the same amount of information I got and you're asking when I'm here I'm not asking when I'm there you're the one

that needs to get to the end of these fucking questions but they just want to interact with you that's what it is like are you coming to my town

and you respond and they're like ooh no no no we're not fans I'm not my fans I'm friends your pals

your mother hi Cameron James and he'll give me shit when I have him on the podcast again hi he was one of the ones he's like

when are you in Brisbane are we in Brisbane together and I went here here's all the information I have are we in Brisbane together you work out you tell me

yeah because I knew you were going to be in town this weekend because I saw your poster asked if we're in the same

seats responded very much the same way I was like he's going to be here this weekend

but then you just texted us this morning I was watching the footy and said that you were in town well because I was watching the footy and said that you weren't done so

aye because I was well because I've just done the American tour which we're still obviously at the moment we're working on getting your visa for

so that you can come over and make the choice yeah I had to dig up my criminal record aye turns out I'm fine yeah I thought I had some previous

but they scratched that did they yeah they were like he hasn't nicked a car in a while. It's not my idea, you just nicked your rental. No, I did back it into a post. Right, so you got a rental car, and then you reversed it into a post.

Which one do you want to talk about? Do you want to talk about my previous convictions as a criminal? Yeah, we'll do that, but that's way more interesting than you reversing into a post. Right, so my previous conviction was when I was, I can't even place the year, right? I think it was like somewhere between 2002 and 2006.

It was my first couple of years of driving, that's for sure. And I'd been to my mum and dad's house and they'd lent us some money and then I was to pay them back. I drew the money out to pay them back, right? But then my mate picked us up

and took us to the pub and then I'd get to the bar to buy a round. I'd look at my wallet and I've still got my mum and dad's money that I owe them. I drew the money out to pay them back right but then my mate picked us up and took us to the pub and then I get to the bar to buy a round I look at my wallet and I've still got my mum and dad's money that I owe them I'm like fuck

I was meant to leave them this money so he went well you haven't had a drink yet borrow me car can't drop the money off come back with it

and as I left he went because I didn't have any like insurance or anything like that and he went if you get pulled out of my mind

I deny you're driving and he gave it that caveat before I went oh fucking I'm driving like whoop whoop so the fucking police pulled his hour and I didn't want to say

I'd nick my mate's car so I just pretended to be him so he's like what's your name and I went Alan Watson and what's your date of birth and I didn't know

my date of birth but I knew I was about 40 and here I am about 21 years old kind of and 3rd of September like 71 when I got Alan Watson I was like I'm not there he was like how are you coming to have this car and I just went look it's my mate's car Alan um he doesn't know I'm driving it right but I'm dropping it off for him he's at the pub that I'm going to now it's just up the road, he left it at my

mum and dad's for football this morning, he's going to be chuffed when I bring it back for him, I'm sorry for lying to you and he went, I can't take your word for that you've already fucking lied to me fucking read his wee rights put us in the back of the car fucking took us to the police station where I ended up fucking doing some press ups

sucking a guy's dick it wasn't even in a cell he's just kept the reception fucking took us to the police station where I ended up fucking doing some press-ups sucking a guy's dick. It wasn't even in a cell. He's just kept the reception in. I was going for the stay for like a four hour. It was at no point even behind bars. It was just a standard

waiting room. Ooh, how long you been in here? I'm just talking. There's someone there just producing a document to suck his dick. And to be fair, he wasn't mad about it

so you know so yeah so we met what he got fucking called he was like oh I didn't know he was driving my car

but I was chuffed that he pretty much relayed that story he was just probably dropping it off for us he's one of my mates and then they

let us out swabbed my DNA took my thumbprints and gave us a caution for twalk taken without consent. So I had, like, a twalk on my record. So there was that and I batted a kid now when I was about 19 and fucking got arrested for that.

How old was he? He was about my age. It's just because when you say I batted a kid, I was 19. I believed that it wasn't a horrible story but the listeners have been like

did Kai just let it down a fucking child at Asda oh he did it was a brawl so I got arrested for it

because it was like there was a lot going on there was like a few of my mates a few of his mates and they ended up doing a back alleyway

like fucking the majority of us got chinned and like it was his mates then come along and battered down my bunch except me so like i got away like absolutely scot-free from it all but i got arrested nonetheless and um when they were questioning this i was just getting no comment no comment no comment every question that come up comment comment no no comment so just no comment

and we wait all the way through the fucking police interview and then they just end up dropping the charges I've never been arrested but all I know for a fact

is the one thing from all my mates that are lawyers and stuff they just go they're just like do not say a fucking word at any point just consider

and this is advice to all listeners as long as you're white if you're black I don't know I'll be honest you get dealt with different than we do

so I don't know you work out your own system alright but white privilege just say no comment alright white privilege just say no comment

all the way fucking through just say no comment no comment no comment but then like it goes if you like point a finger go no comment

so yeah I've done that now and that's how you and also like if you point a finger, go, no comment. So yeah, I've done that now. And that's how you announce it, if you ever want them to look like a fit bird, to be like, oh, no comment. If you know what I mean.

But I'd like to. So, I basically had two historical. Or, also remember that they have to write down everything you say. And it will be taken as evidence. Aye.

They're like, anything you can say will be used against you in court so if you think you're going to court just fucking start

saying mental shit just stuff that can't spell alright so the thing about the onomatopoeia supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

this guy's like fucking I hate this job or you just go I would like to declare that I am innocent Full stop End of End of statement

Hello my name is PC Plod And I'm a big girl My name is Judge Judy And I like wagging my gavel Off of Mount Willie And police officer Call on Judy and I like flagging my car off of Mount Willie and police officer call on for words

in their mouth so yes I had to fill in this so I didn't know the dates of these things I wanted to be like full disclosure this is my visa application so I had to get this police certificate and I had to fill in the form and it asked us the fucking date and what the crime was and all that

shit and I'm like that's what I'm filling the form in for because I want to know what the crime is and the fucking shit so it's a bit of a fanny on filling it in but I come back and it's me record had been wiped clean well good because it means hopefully that you can come out on the next America tour speaking of to everyone that came out to see me when I was in America, let's see if I can remember all these dates. There was Detroit,

there was Boston, there was the one after Boston, which I can't remember what it was, Portland, Seattle, Spokane,

Washington, and... You went to Philadelphia? I did not go to Philadelphia. You didn't go to Philadelphia? And all the ones in New York as well, and all the ones in New York as well and all the fucking LA ones as well

here's the thing I fucking hate most about America shall we get on to it? yeah American audiences are the rudest audiences in the world bar none but from a good place from a good place

I have never in my life more consistently encountered the rudest fucking people I have ever met in my life sat facing me after paying tickets to see my fucking show here's a bunch of things that American audience members will do and this is and by the way America I know you're getting shot on here

as someone who's gigged in over 70 countries all of these things are uniquely American and only ever happen in America they don't even happen in Canada it is a fucking you problem get it sorted you need to learn to self-police uh talking during the show because they're enjoying the show literally in new york i went what are you talking about they're like the show and i'm like talk

about it after the fucking show american stores seem to understand that it's a fuck the person on stage can fucking hear anything it's an old hack joke amongst comics in the uk where you'd be like oh some of you just realized that this isn't TV. 90% of American audiences do not understand that that is a human being on stage saying words. They've no idea how much their voice carries. And it's not malicious. They're enjoying the show

and they want to talk about how much they're enjoying the show during the show, thus ruining the show for everyone else. Girls came up to me after the show, they're like, hey, we were in the front row and we kept talking all the way through the show were we annoying you

and I was like yeah and they're like oh because all of these women in the toilets threatened to beat the shit out of us and I was like yeah yes

because you spoke all the way during a fucking show why didn't they follow through on it what an empty threat they should have killed you like do not talk

during fucking shows and this is the one thing in America stop fucking whooping. And remember this so vividly, it's the reason I don't want to ever shoot my specials in America. It's why they forced me to film Dark in LA. The one I'm doing in Austin,

when I'm filming my special there, spoiler alert, I've not announced that yet, but it's going to be one thing where I go into the audience and I'm like, do not fucking whoop during the show. As a British person growing up watching an American comedy nothing ruined comedy specials more than just

than the audience enjoying it more than you are back home oh my god they stop the comedian the many times I watch fucking Bill Burr stop mid fucking flow like I'm watching a master fucking

losing the momentum of his bits losing the momentum of his bit because the audience refused to allow that joke to be about anyone of themselves and it happens

to my fucking bit the topic of my show this year I'm talking about fucking sexual assault people are that's a difficult minefield to talk

through man you need to have ropes you need to be keeping the tension right you can't have the tension dictated

by people screaming and whooping and clapping. I'm in control of the fucking tension and anything and the thing is clapping's fine, right?

Clapping's fine. It's agreeing with the sentiment. Clapping with the sentiment and the thing is I can talk over clapping and I can even talk over laughing. Nobody, nobody on the planet

has the ability to talk through whoo! Nobody. It's a horrible, horrible, horrible fucking noise and it's getting to the stage now

where and what compels you to do like I'm trying to put myself in their shoes right like I've been in an audience sometimes I've been really enjoying some stuff but it's amazing

that we've got this this reaction of laughter that comes from the overload of endorphins the reaction's there and it's natural but the whoo

is something that you've got to make a conscious decision on. That's not an impulse. Like, laugh does an impulse. But whooping is like a woo!

You gear up for it and you do it and you... But I don't know what other parts of... It's like the human version of tooting your horn. But the thing is

that like, someone said to me, like, you know when somebody makes a point and you go, oh yeah, and then realise

that the point makes no fucking sense but at that point they're gone I was talking to Fred I was like fucking I hate the wooing and he goes

sports and I went oh obviously oh wait what no like I've never I've never seen Chelsea score a goal and go

woo is that how they react to sports apparently because you're like you'll scream yes and you're gone you'll scream

and you'll like you do have an outlet you have an outlet when you're watching sports when it goes well and you'll like you do have an outlet you have an outlet when you're watching sports when it goes well and you'll jump around and shit so there is that

but like you wouldn't apply that to fucking cinema yeah it's just oh oh but that's the thing that's the thing

they do Americans in fucking cinemas man are the worst in the fucking world like it's I I reckon like if like

it's a horror movie they're like oh no oh man it's not it's a horror movie, they're like, oh, no! Oh, man, it's not even just that, man. They'll talk through fucking... They laugh too loud during the cinema. It's like, I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just because they're so fucking confident.

It's people, so they're so confident in themselves. But for me, it's selfishness. It's like, you're sitting there. I'm very conscious about anything I do. How does that affect the fucking people around me, right? If I'm in a fucking theatre, like, maybe it's fucking British Anxiety, I'm very conscious about anything I do, how does that affect the fucking people around me, right? If I'm in a fucking theatre, like, maybe it's fucking British Anxiety, I'm like, I don't want to fucking move my elbows too much, I don't want to ruin the fucking

anyone else's experience for the people fucking around me in anything because as a group, I'm like, wait we've all got the same fucking taste, let's all enjoy this thing together as opposed to, I enjoy this the most, I enjoy more than this, I enjoy this way more than all of you fucking do

and I'm going to prove it by making the fucking show about me yeah and this is just the podcast listeners I'm just I'm begging you

when we're in fucking because I'm going to have to start filming so I have to now write a joke at the top and a joke that I only use in America now I'm actually writing a routine

to specifically tip around the minefield of the American ego and being like hey I know this comes from a good place but every time you woo it makes me hate you as an audience and I put on a brave face I put on a brave face but I want you to know

every time you fucking woo I add a point in how much I fucking hate this particular city woo it's such a weird thing to do it sounds like really like fucking shitty I had a point in how much I fucking hate this particular city. Woo. It's such a weird thing to do. Oh, so unnecessary. It sounds like really like fucking shitty coming from us as well.

Like, stop enjoying it so much. No, but you've got to put it in. But there's ways to enjoy it. Yeah. And you've been told the ways to enjoy it. And it's the ways that for years and years and years of what? Laugh as much as you want. You know what?

I know sometimes it happened in New York. There was a guy who had the best fucking laugh in the world, right? It was a real dominating laugh, right? And it was so obvious. And there was part of it where I could tell from the audience they were getting annoyed because he was laughing louder and longer. And I was like, no, no, no. I refuse to make a man feel fucking bad about that. Like, that's his laugh.

He's probably fucking self-conscious about it. Like, we all came here to laugh. That's now, as a performer, that's up to me to fucking roll with. Because that's, I'm making him do that. Yeah. Right? Even with fucking applause,

and I don't like getting applauded during my fucking show anyway. I fucking hate it. I can't believe they do it at the end. But, like, I'm fine with... Slow hand clap. I'm fine with a fucking, like, applause, because amongst comics as well, like, I get that. Like, that bit's so good that I'm going with applause because amongst comics as well

I get that that bit's so good that I'm going to applaud it but if the comedian starts talking I'll stop applauding because I'm like

oh he's not done I would never ever ever ever in any fucking performance of anything ever even fucking music woo and just don't

please and police around it it's the most oh is that you know I heard a great line from a comic I think it was

Nick Revel said you're just enjoying yourself too much to the detriment of everybody else he was like specifically talking

to someone he was like it's like having a shit in a swimming pool yeah you're going to enjoy that but everybody

else they have to get out it's like don't enjoy too much to the detriment of other people having a shit in the pool

would be nice I reckon it would be aye well no but you know I reckon right first of all you'd have to be naked

obviously aye aye I can't shit my pants I mean I said that like it was do you know

I reckon it would be gross not the new me do you know it would be a bit gross because the second you fucking pinch it off there's that you know that whole bit

where it just pings off your back because it floats to the door you'd be kind of just out running it the minute like yeah you ever jizzed in the bath

you'd realise you were in a lava lamp no you had a wank in a bath I only make that mistake once have you only you say that I only make that once

I've never had a wank in a bath ah I saw that I pictured that it's crossed my mind I've had an erection in a bath and I've never had a one I saw that I picked it up it's crossed my mind I've had an erection in the bath and I've gone

oh maybe I should and my brain went no no no my brain's two steps ahead of my dick and clearly two steps ahead of you at that point

yeah just like because even in the shower it gets that fucking that's how Spiderman makes his web it gets all tangled up in your pubes and that

and sticks to you and you fucking you need a shower after your bath you need a shower after every day you need a shower after your bath. You need a shower after every day, you need a scrub. And then you're like, oh fuck, what if your mam uses the bath after us once you get pregnant? So you scrub the bath.

Where's the weirdest place you've had a wank? Weirdest? Aye. Erm, I've done it in a traffic jam before. Have you? Decompletion? Decomplet completion of the sock I had shorts on and that it was just looking at

people driving by what got you off? just the accident just when the firemen were cutting you out of the range there was a bloke getting zipped up with a bag and I was like

bring it down just a bit a bit. A bit more. Yay. I've had a bunch of wanks on planes. I've had a bunch of them. I don't know if I have, you know. You've had a wank on a plane? Yeah, I don't think so.

I've had wanks on trains. Surely I have. Like, sometimes it's just like, I'm just like, I've nothing to do. Are you taking your socks off? I didn't mean now. That wasn't a challenge.

Fucking, right. You started taking your socks off for no reason. We just, not no reason, we were talking about wanking in the weirdest place

you've ever been to wank and you started taking your socks off. Just keep an eye contact with you. I had hot feet. Someone was talking about them. Do you know, when I got here, I didn't have a wank for over 10 days when I got to Adelaide. Dirty protest, clean protest, actually.

Clean protest. I just, I didn't really have, so I'm in a house with like four people, and it's a shared bathroom, and it's like right between their two rooms, I didn't really have right so I'm in a house with like four people and it's a shared bathroom and it's like right between their two rooms and I just

I was going to the gym and getting most of my showers in the gym so I just felt like when I was in the house it was a bit too populated and when I'm at the gym

I'm in a fucking public place I have wanks all the time when we but then like I could stay in my room fucking like the time but then like I could take my room fucking tissues but even then I don't have a lock

on my room door and I'm like on a fucking ground floor by the window next to the fucking play park how long does it

take you to wank so I just in the end I just fucking started wanking in the gym changing room and just fucking

shoot it straight in the toilet like I've got nothing left for myself I did just angle it down splat flush gone but it's just like changing room and just fucking straight in the toilet like I've got nothing left for myself that's how I do I do just angle it down splat

flush gone but it's just like how can anyone love you if you can't love yourself but I just do it to get I just do it

to get out of the fucking you know sometimes when I'm if I need to piss before a wank I'll not piss first I'll save it until after

because I feel like it cleans the pipes that's not a bad show actually I reckon but you do then you got that awkward fucking three minutes where you're just fucking waiting for that to go down you know when you just fucking push the pushing the deck down you just like properly I hear that you're using your fucking thigh muscles because you know there's another drip or two in there I didn't want to just step straight into the fucking public shower and just let them drips go on the shower floor because I think that's rude right so you want it you want it to be all gone by the time.

So if you have a piss before you go, but there's this trick that you can do where if you get some soap on your hand, even if you've already had a piss, right? Just after you've had a wank, right? When you've already come, just polish your belly. Polish the belly. Polish the belly and eventually you'll feel your arse twitching like, oh, here we're going, here we're going.

Then you start pissing everywhere. That's why, you know, if you keep going after sex or keep going after a blowjob and you're like, no, no, I'm done, it's because eventually you're probably just going to piss out of it. So that's essentially what squirting is. It is.

All right. There we are. That got graphic. How about that? We've got some new hats here. We do. We've got a genuinely impressive hat. We will post a picture

on them on our Instagram can you remember the name of the did you get the name of the Twitter handle no I can't no I don't none of them are

this is bad well because here's one of the many many things I will say very grateful for these if you're listening thank you so much

yeah whoever made these they're absolutely fucking incredible because she has managed to knit in muggins on mine and cream on yours I know mine's got a big red cross

which I don't know if that means I'm her least favourite one because yours is just muggins on mine and cream on yours I know mine's got a big red cross which I don't know if that means I'm her least favourite one because yours is just muggins in pink and nice colours mine's just cream and there's just

a big red X above it Target I don't know mate you can read that however you want that's been another thing it's been cool to me maybe because there's

a treasure under it it's the tiny H show you dickhead but cream's not but that's why I should put X there it's the Tylea show you dickhead oh aye aye but cream's not but that's why I should put X there oh

X cream X cream I'm extreme extreme that's a stretch extreme cream that is a stretch it's been nice to meet

all the fans after shows because obviously we can't do hugs as much anymore but fortunately a lot of the podcast listeners know

that if they a lot of the podcast listeners have worked out if, a lot of the podcast listeners have worked out, if they just stand near the exit with a joint, that I'll find them. You'll find them, yeah. Oh, it's been fucking great. I just wait afterwards. So for future reference,

if people want to try and meet me after shows, have drugs and stand near the exit. Have drugs and knitwear. Yeah, have drugs and knitwear and stand near an exit. I'm easily won over. I sold a massive hat for £74 you did so you netted a hat

that was a bit too 150 Australian dollars a little update on the net thing I here's my stance on it you're light years ahead of me

at the moment the stuff that you're able to do now I know you're saying it's fucking easy but that being said it's very very impressive

the scarves are fucking beautiful I was I became complacent and the reason i became complacent was because i knew that we were going to be spending pretty much six weeks together in australia yeah and i and i know how i know i'm bad at learning from instructions but i'm good at learning from other people yeah i figure you know what and this is so cheeky but's sped ahead, but he's also not a cunt. And I'll catch you up. Well, not necessarily catch up,

but for me, I just, no, it's a lot of it's just patterns now. Like fucking that website Ravelry, man. I know for a second, the second I understand, the second I can compute what a pattern is and I know how to read it, then it's just about how much you challenge yourself. Like that's what that's about.

But what I'm finding very, very impressive about the knitting that you've been doing is uh you're saying to me that you're actually able to work out the uh patterns now you can actually design your own yeah so i designed my own pattern to make a hat but i can also read the pattern now so that i'm not looking when i say read it i don't mean read it off a book i mean read it off the actual knitwear itself so once I've started a pattern and I'm remembering like knit five, purl two, knit six, purl two, knit two, drop a stitch. Well, that does. Slip a stitch.

So I'm doing this off the book. And then when I see the pattern start to unfold, then I can just follow the pattern. So I can look at what I'm knitting and I can see what's next. You can work out what a draw one does and what a knit one does. Yeah. So now that I can read it, I'm not having to repeat the patterns in my head.

I can stop what I'm doing and have a conversation without losing my place. But also the reason I've learned so quick is because I'll take on a challenge that I can't do, like making that mitten. Remember when I made the mitten with a thumb and then I fucked it and it was just this massive mitten that looked shit.

Yeah, it looked shit and it was a massive massive mitten that looked shit like yeah it looked shit and it was a massive but I learned so much from fucking it up whereas what you and Natalie seem to have been doing is making immaculate things

like really mastering the one thing you can do and making it so perfect and flawless that you're too afraid of having flaws or mistakes that you'll not

make a shit garment oh no because my hat's a bit I'll show you my hat because it's got a big fucking hole in it yeah because that hat that I made was my first attempt at my hat because it's got a big fucking hole in it. Yeah, because that hat that I made,

it was my first attempt at the hat and I got it all wrong and made it massive and that's the one where I like, I was never going to use it or give it to anyone

so I put it online for a penny on eBay. Oh, look at this. Look at that hole there. You see what Natalie did with her hole that she put on her,

she just stitched on like a little unicorn thing. That's what I was going to do, that's exactly what I was going to do. Was that what that was? Yeah, she just made a little hole like that, stitched on it, embroidered on there. See, that's what I was going to do. That's exactly what I was going to do. Was that what that was? Yeah, she'd just be in a little hole like that, stitched on it, embroidered on it. See, that's what I was going to do

is I was going to try and, that's what I'll do. I'll find something because I'm going to give this to, I'm going to give this to Charlie, my godson. Nice. Oh, Cody's kid.

Yeah, yeah. It's massive. Oh, it's Cody's kid. Maybe if it was Cody that paid 74 pounds for a fucking massive hat I know so I say no no

that's a fucking especially a Cody child look at the size of that he'd yeah he's something that had grown into like it's

you know if he's anything like his dad he's going to fucking grow out of it sooner yeah that's class but yeah so we're still doing

our knitting you knitted a hat far too big somebody spin somebody spin oh man right Marlena I know you're listening to this but yeah so we're still doing our knitting you knitted a hat far too big somebody's been somebody's been oh man right Marlena I know you're listening to this

but I've just spent fucking four weeks about you so I'm going to spend the next five minutes bitching about you so if you don't want to listen to that turn it off hi Marlena

hi Marlena so our agent manager who I love dearly who's responsible for my entire career but who when we spend long periods of time together

winds me up the proper wrong fucking way fucking this fiasco with you knitting one too big she was incessant

incessant because she was like and I told her about it I was like she's like it's amazing I was like yeah she's just going to

deliver it to anyone she's like you know how she has she's got her Milena ideas which are amazing ones and then there's the her Marlena ideas which are amazing ones and then there's the other 90% of them

which are awful yeah like a lightbulb appears above her head and she's like Eureka and then you look and it's not a lightbulb it's an onion

like uh oh here's a Marlena idea right so what was it right so the whole thing was Kai's got to deliver it anywhere anywhere right

so she was she was genuinely and earnestly trying to find someone. She was like, you know fucking Brian Cox? I was like, I absolutely do not know Brian Cox. She was like, well, you know Dara O'Brien? I was like, I've met Dara O'Brien on occasion, yes.

And he follows me on Twitter. And if I were to bump into Dara, I could have a fucking long conversation with him, yeah. She's like, do you reckon you know someone or anyone on the International Space Station? And I was like, for what? She was like, if we get them to bid on the International Space Station? And I was like, for once, she goes like, if we get them to bid on the hat,

Kai's got to post it to space. Post it to space? But that wasn't just an idea that you had as like a funny, stoned, flippant remark. No. That was like a, it's only funny if you do it, which I stand by. Aye. But with something absolutely impossible.

Not impossible. But it can't be done for anything less than 5 billion US dollars. Like, I don't know if you've heard about NASA, right? But it's not a charity gig. This is like the South Park episode where they fire a

whale to the moon. It's just like... Yeah, just... Oh no, I need to fix my fucking pom pom I knew I had to take that so I've been I've been doing religion

on the fact that the fact that like people like it is weird that people are the other one which you wanted to get someone from the

you know boat face which isn't called boat face because the navy's got no sensory camera oh they wouldn't call it that no they wouldn't right

but it's out there in Antarctica she was trying to get someone on there to fucking bid on it so you had to post it to Antarctica and I'm just like just let somebody buy his hat the Navy's got no sensor you can wear. Oh, they wouldn't call it that. No, they wouldn't, right, but it's out there in Antarctica. She was trying to get someone on there to fucking bid on it so he had to post it to Antarctica and I'm just like,

just let somebody buy his hat. Yeah. He's got fans that want the hat. I fucking really wanted it as well. There's like 41 bidders

but it's funny because now I know that people are willing to spend that kind of money on the network. I'm not going to make them for that reason. I keep putting on everything I make not going to make them for that reason

I keep putting on everything I make not for sale and I can probably pull in a few quid but I'm just like there I'm going to give it to my pal yeah no I think for me what I want to do is I want to definitely

I think we should definitely knit something for the girl that knitted us these yeah totally because these are amazing we'll knit something for her that's fair now light bulbs appear above everyone say knit them something

I'm going to knit them something and they'll knit us something her. That's fair. Now light bulbs appear above everyone and say, knit them something. I'm going to knit them something and they'll knit us something. And then obviously for our respective missuses, it's always nice to... Yeah, I'm in the middle of a hat at the minute to go with the mitts I made Natalie and I don't think I'm going to get back in time for Altitude

because I'm trying to send it for Altitude but I dropped a stitch and I'm fucking struggling to pick it back up like I've dropped it in such a weird it's weird anyway I'm not going to get into it all I want you to do

is keep talking but eh I've got this I want to turn this into woah that's a nice wool it's a fucking gorgeous wool isn't it

so I've got two of them so and it's Piggy's favourite colour my girlfriend yes that's right listeners so hold on a minute don't just brush over that. No, no, let's brush over it.

Right, you have got a girlfriend that we're going to call Piggy. Yes. For the sake of... Her privacy. Her privacy. Yeah. You've just spent the last 18 months, possibly two years... Three.

Three years. Breaking up people. In bad relationships. Regardless. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. It's a very important caveat. I've been breaking up couples in bad relationships.

Saving them, some would say. But you have been the first one over the trenches like, single can be glorious, love yourself. Which it can be. And then everybody runs over the trenches after and you just crept back into the trench but that has been

the annoying that has been the annoying thing and I know that's how it's going to be perceived but the thing I just want to fucking remind everyone

I wrote Jigsaw three fucking years ago and I stand by it not a word of it's not true so what you're saying is Piggy is a Jigsaw piece that fits into your puzzle

well no let's not be fucking gay he said well they're looking at pink wool ah no but here we go

for piggy yeah so piggy's a jigsaw piece that seems like should I say at the moment yes let's not read into it too much

at the moment just listen to the podcast as you just call her I'm playing it as you call her your current girlfriend no she's like

she's great and we're in love and all that does she know you're making her a pretty pink scarf she does I also don't know I don't know if she listens

to the podcast she probably might get into the second I mention the fact that she's in it she'll probably 20,000 breakups 25,000 breakups minimum

and then you're just like... Are you serious? Psych! No! I'm not having this fucking angle. I'm not having this angle pushed. Nothing. You flew an imaginary ball for a dog

and 25,000 of them ran. No. 25,000 breakups means 50,000 people. Aye. Something might have been in threesomes. Wait, what do you say you want to do with this one? I would like to knit a big old infinity scarf, which I'm very aware is just a scarf.

But I reckon... Do you want to do it with that broken rib stitch that I did where it's kind of stretchy and and fun i don't probably do you want it to be more like that type of thing where it's like robust um what would you recommend uh i think you should do that because that'll be a good step into doing patterns if you yeah i think you're right to the knit two purl two and a two purl two on an odd number so that the last one is just like a knit one. Okay, so... And then so it staggers

so when you start knitting the back of it... And not in the round, I'm just doing this on... You want to do it just on needles? Oh, well, fucking absolutely. I can still use my... Do you know what I'm going to do in Melbourne? Maybe use a scarf for a fucking queer kid. Oh, nice.

So that's just a regular garter stitch. Oh, but I hate the bottom of it you see the oh that is a pattern no that's just knit knit knit oh is it that's a garter stitch

but with big needles aye yep so I think I'm going to make a jumper in Melbourne are you

yeah I think oh has this just went off I think the way I've been doing it so far like making a glove when I'm not really fucking capable of making a glove and then making a hat when I'm not capable of making a hat

and then making a... I mean, I say that scarf I made with the cable stitching is fucking my best work by miles. And it's absolutely stunning. That's the one thing where I made it and I'm like, oh, I didn't make mistakes on this one. I didn't botch it up. But I'd say that I had made a couple of scarves in the past, but this one was like oh I didn't make mistakes on this one I didn't like botch it up but I had made

a couple of scarves in the past but this one was like like I've mastered that so I'm going to fuck up making a jumper I'm going to make the fucking ugliest

biggest fucking one arm long on the other jumper I don't know how it's going to turn out I'm going to try and make it correctly but I'm just going to

let the mistakes happen so that when I do make a jumper for realsies I'll know what I've learned from the first one so I think I do make a jumper for realsies, I'll know what I've learned from the first one. So I think that might be like a one month challenge. You say there was a, well I'm very, that's good because we're living together in Melbourne

and I'll just keep watching you so I can be further inspired as I already am. Were you saying that there's a knitting shop in Adelaide? Yes, not far from here sweet it's called Lynn Craft so if I was to do

sorry listeners I understand this isn't necessarily the most interesting chat but for some of you it is and sometimes we talk about things

that not all of you like so tough shit yeah remember one time talking about football and got loads of complaints you never ever

forget that you're eavesdropping a conversation you know I love Bill Bay always talks about American football on his podcast and when I listen to it but yeah, you never ever forget that you're eavesdropping a conversation. You know, I love, you know, Bill Bay always talks about American football on his podcast

and like, when I listen to it, I quite enjoy listening to him talk. I don't know what he's talking about with the football. I'm not going to start like, you always talk about the football phone.

I don't like American football. All these listeners have just started getting into football. Like, if you find like a lot of, especially comics in the UK have started getting

into American football just so they can enjoy what he's saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, if you find like a lot of especially comics in the UK have started getting into American football just so they can enjoy what you're saying yeah yeah yeah I catch up so yeah if you start talking about football just start paying attention

to me you'll understand what I'm saying alright maybe I think because I can't these needles here are size fucking

they're massive those are 12 millimeter ones I can't I need I definitely need to go out and buy I would use like six or eight on these.

Probably six, actually. That would take you fucking ages to make a scarf. I'd use seven or eight, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying. I've definitely got sixes, but I don't have eights, so I'm going to go out and buy eights after this. Yeah. Are you going to go to the gym with Jimothy McGee?

Yeah, I am. I've been keeping it up, actually, this month, because I haven't got much to report because I've been living out of town near Henley Beach. So I've been getting up in the morning doing fucking fasted cardio because that's how to fucking get rid of the beer gut, which probably sucks fasted cardio. You know when you get up in the morning and run before you've had any food.

Aye, I've been doing that. And then doing some that and then and then doing some knitting and then coming in going to Dave and Dave waits with Jimmy and then going home early

because usually there's football on it like half past six in the morning or something so I've been going home getting up I've literally just been

on a fucking groundhog day loop of wholesome activity and now I'm here and now we are here and now and I brought edibles you brought edibles

you smuggled drugs shhh you druggled drugs? you druggled smugs? I found some edibles over here in Australia out of a contact contact high I don't know if we caught up within 35 minutes nah surely not

I've fucking... Oh, because the thing is, lots of stuff has been happening to me, but I can't talk about it. Yeah, you've got like... All of my exciting things, I can't ever fucking mention until they're all confirmed. It's when you've got stuff in the pipeline. Aye, aye.

But yeah, anything at the moment is just going to be fucking bragging. Had a good bunch of shows in America. It was fucking great fun. Smoked way more weed than I ever intended and also man you know how we have this

fucking impression of Canada as being like the friendliest people in the world nah nah well man they're

fucking friendly people but I've never seen homelessness like that in my fucking life and they do not give a fuck about their homeless people. Oh, wow.

Man. I mean, homelessness is pretty much everywhere now. No, no, no. Homelessness is right for the UK. It definitely exists in fucking Scotland. The homelessness in America compared to the homelessness in UK is unbelievably visible. And the problem in the UK is still, I'm not undermining the fucking problem we have in the UK,

but the American problem is through the fucking roof. Like it's, and it's, some states are worse than others, but the one thing they're all joined in is that none of them give a shit about their homeless people. And I was expecting fucking different in fucking Canada until it was like fucking freezing cold weather and there was a like

there was a like homeless there was one guy just shirtless in the middle of the street just asking for money and nobody was giving him money I'm like

that's actual danger you need clothes I'm like that's not is it cold ah you're fucking baltic it's fucking Canada man in the middle of fucking February shit life expectancy so I was just fucking sitting there I had to literally fucking ball tickets fucking Canada man in the middle of fucking February shit

life expectancy so I was just fucking sitting there I had to literally go get fucking cash out to go and be like hey can you go buy yourself a shirt please

he's like thanks man and I'm like I'm not even like do you like don't even you can't fucking help every fucking homeless person

like and you know maybe it's a fucking scam but regardless if it is a scam if somebody doesn't have a fucking shirt on in that weather you cover them up i barely think because because of the contactless like i barely carry money with us anymore like i've hardly ever my other thing with the homeless is like if if uh i'll go out to them especially the next house like what do you want me to get in there the thing always and homeless people can play me

like a fucking fiddle man like I'll go out there I remember one in Edinburgh I went up to the guy and I was like I'm going to go in there what kind of food do you want

and he was just like just get food for the dog and I was like you've just said the exact sentence that means I'm buying you as much as I physically like because it was so

he was like he was paying it because he was like, he was paying it forward. He was like, genuinely just get it for the dog, I can fucking sort myself out. I'm like, I can't.

Sort him out. I would always, like, if I didn't have any change, I'd offer a cigarette, if I had packs of cigarettes on us. Because that's fucking, like,

if you're homeless, and you smoke, like, that's something that you probably can't really afford yourself, but you love one you know you just always

make them a tab if if homeless people had contactless devices would you would you ever get cash back off them

like you two quid but get twenty pun back would I I mean you know quid but I can get twenty pound back would I I mean you know what I should I should because like

for me well the machines cost like a fucking tenner but and you know and a lot of the fucking homeless people because

any prejudice I have in my head I'm like well if you can fucking set up a bank account then surely you're fine I'm like well no because I'm just

that means he's on the right line and I'm putting him down even though yeah you can start a bank account he's on the right line and I'm putting him down even though yeah you can start a bank account he's making the correct progress to a day and so

for me and also there would be just a question in my head where I'm like where are you charging that because have you got a house

yeah yeah like because for me a lot of times when it's fucking cash I like buying them fucking food

and stuff because I'm actually helping the fucking situation and you's fucking casual I like buying them fucking food and stuff because I'm actually helping the fucking situation and you know I don't mind giving fucking money and I've always hated I know it's an old

Greg fucking Giraldo joke but it's so so true people being like you know he's just going to spend that on drugs and booze and it's like yeah that's what

I'm spending it on that's what I'm going to spend it on it's a great Greg Giraldo joke yeah why do I want him to get a CD rack it's like I'm 100% I fully fucking

agree with that I'm like if you want to spend if I was homeless I'd spend up booze and drugs yeah you need

an escape the thing with the contact list right is that you can have a perishable amount of change right so that

you can give like a change to the first person the second person and then by the third person you're like I'm out of change

so like you've got a perishable amount but if you're willing to do the contact list then it's then you haven't got a perishable amount all of a sudden you're fucking just trying to go to the shop and you've spent 30 quid on two pound fucking donations so you've got a you've got to kind of draw the line at that just go no give me my excuse please to walk by here's my lie I tell myself to feel better I'm like

when I become I always go I've got to change I'm not on my keys you do not do that you're quite a part of me I've got to change

and you hear your keys jangling I've got no change but you can come listen to me if you want the lie I always tell myself I'm like

when I become proper fucking rich and famous the charity I'm starting is I'll do or not even start I'll just get behind

one in Edinburgh homelessness is the one thing I'd like to probably come back yeah just be like you know what here's a fucking just set up a shelter

not a kill shelter not yet but like you know not the way fucking PETA does things you know how PETA kill 80% of it's animals

really yeah fucking hell yeah sort of Nando's But like, you know, not the way fucking PETA does things. You know how PETA killed 80% of its animals? Really? Yeah. Fucking hell. Yeah. Sort of Nando's? I'm just going to say 20%. Oh, fresh. So the wildlife charity killed animals.

PETA's not wildlife charity. So basically, man, you know what I will fucking do for the next podcast is I'll actually do a bit more fucking research on it but here's what I know about Peter Sofar the woman who fucking

runs it it's a charity scam that's all it is it's just it's a fucking scam where she can just get everything above board she was bitten by a

rottweiler when she was young so she hates all rottweilers so she any rottweiler she adopts fucking pit bulls

from fucking things and just gets them put down instantly they might have kill shelters just for animals. Pets that they rescue because they think

pets are slavery so they'll rescue fucking pets and then kill them because they think that's more fucking humane than them being fucking pets. PETA is one of the most

fucked charities in the world and I thoroughly recommend everyone does what they can to fucking burn them to the ground. And in the sense of the word I mean like you know just don't ever

fucking They take donations and they're just fucking running a slaughterhouse running a fucking slaughterhouse do you know what I found out as well charity clothes shops charity clothes shops

it's not like all proceeds get a charity they run a business and like a percentage gets a charity yeah yeah of course yeah yeah yeah man

most of this we've been very very careful with a lot of charities most charities are run by fucking millionaires who you're just using as a fucking tax dodge yeah and they'll put like they'll put like a portion of it yep I just thought it was like proceeds go to you I most charities are run by fucking millionaires who you're just using as a fucking tax dodge yeah and they'll put like

they'll put like a portion of it yep I just thought it was like proceeds go to you I thought it was run by the that's why I always make sure it was run by the like obviously you've like

people are getting a wage out of it and you want people to get paid of course you don't even want them to just be volunteers all the time because people have to live so you think that you get a get a wage and then

that's why I would always suggest like which is another thing like you know why I give homeless fucking money straight to the fucking homeless. So I'm like, fucking,

I know for a fact if I give this money into a homeless person's hands, you've got the fucking cash. Like, a lot of the fucking charities are scams. Well,

not a lot, but some of them. Let's not discourage fucking charity work here. Yeah, I just think you've got to be careful with the way you word stuff. Like,

as we put a percentage of the punch drunk profits towards charities and in previous gigs and em but we were a profit organization that was just making a charitable donation I think it's nice just profitable organizations are like to make sure it's way but I didn't say come to this fundraiser yeah yeah hey what a charity fucking thing blah blah blah yeah yeah I come to this charity drive gig it's like nah nah we're running an operation

motherfuckers but if you call it a charity shop that's a shop that makes charitable donations it's all a fucking scam you've got to be

careful out there folks I think also just before we go into your dad jokes I need to and you can back me up here I need to justify

my or at least explain my fucking utter hatred of Adelaide going to your dad jokes I need to and you can back me up here I need to justify my or at least explain my fucking utter hatred of Adelaide as an audience do you want to do that after you've already

just slaughtered Americans as an audience do you really want to I don't think I slaughtered Americans as an audience should we just do the Daniel Sloss hates the crowds

around the world tour even though they give you a very lovely life point taken you know what because we will do another podcast because we okay fair point around the world to her even though they give you a very lovely life point taken you know what because oh because we will do

another podcast because we okay fair point I take your point right Adelaide also

Adelaide you've done USA I'll have a little dig at Adelaide but I will say American fucking I wasn't bitching about it I loved all the fucking gigs

you just have to stop whooping and you need to self police the whooping no comedian enjoys it and chatting all the fucking gigs you just have to stop whooping and you need to self-police the whooping no comedian enjoys it and chatting chatting in the crowd I just find Adelaide audiences

I've had a lovely time here I've had lovely gigs everyone's been lovely thanks to everyone that come to my solo show we're a bit sensitive sometimes like you'll do a joke

and they'll be like I can't believe you just said that and it's like is this not the is this not the country where Jim Jefferies comes from you know like I'm'm fucking i'm not even like a dark sense of humor really you know i'm

still gonna get gasps on occasion of people i'm just saying i grew up chill chill out a little bit man quite i have recognized like a little bit of sensitivity so i probably sound like tip torn a little bit or doubling down and these can't do not book in advance like and it's like the thing amongst all comedians

and performers is Adelaide's got this thing like we'll just turn up on the day we're gonna make you we're gonna make you sweat until the last

moment it's like no I've got no against them for that that's how I live no no I'm punishing them for it like last year last year I wasn't

sold out in advance so I'm only back for three shows fucking this year sold out in advance so I'm only back for three shows fucking this year sold out in advance fine good they've learned their lesson hopefully these gigs

at the weekend to be fair they probably will be good because you know they're my fucking fans and most of them seem to be sound but they could be shit

and they could ruin it for the rest of Adelaide nah the gigs have been nice out here they're just like I said they're touch sensitive and also

I found like in a crowd like you know if you've got somebody that like is willing to laugh first they're like they act like

they're like the touch paper in the middle you get leaders in an audience like this is just I mean they're showing people playing the curtain but in America

that's the problem is every single one is an individual they're all leaders yeah so I had a gig the other day where there was a Scottish couple in and they were just laughing unashamedly at everything and it was making the crowd laugh more that they were willing to but i feel like if you've got no

leaders in the audience people will be checking to see if other people are laughing something stifling laughter because they don't because they don't want to be like show the cards they don't so sometimes like uh you do get a little bit of that but I wouldn't I wouldn't slam the audiences but you had a bad experience last time didn't you

yeah two of the audiences last year some of the three of them were fine but two of them were just so unbelievably shit

that I was like fucking this is it's the only city in the world where ladies and gentlemen welcome to the stage Daniel Sloss and I'm like

I'm going to hold that against you for the rest of my fucking life. They didn't clap your upstairs? One clap. Full sold out audience of Daniel Sloss fans. Was the offstage make on?

Yep. That's hilarious. That's quite funny. I don't know how that happens. And then just proceeded to be one of the worst audiences I've ever had in my life to the point where I'm like,

have any of you because there comes a point where they just look at a painting and go I'm not putting that down I don't know I have no fucking idea

what it was they just fucking sat there and then for the rest of the show they kind of enjoyed it I'm like because this wasn't like five years ago this was last year

like I'm still I was selling it at the Edmore last year in fucking Sydney like and then I've been ad-libbing like well we've never heard of you I'm still selling it they had more last year in fucking Sydney like they'd have been ad-libbing like well we've never heard of you

I'm like that's your fault like it's not like I've not been I don't know like Natalie hates these episodes now if we dig at the audiences

oh does she yeah probably hates them oh that's fair because she's just like but they're like supporting you and they come to your shows well yeah

but sometimes they don't support you when they come to the shows and you know she's not wrong. But that's the thing I also want to make clear to the fucking audience. It's like these... We live in a generation now where you're not allowed to fucking bitch about things

and people go, oh, you must hate it. And you go, no, I'm just venting. Like, I love my job. I love the fact that I get to fucking do this. And occasionally, my diamond shoes are too tight and I'm going to complain about them. And when your diamond shoes are too tight, they are tight. They may be made of diamond, but you're like, oh, but... And also, I custom ordered diamond shoes are too tight and I'm going to complain about them. And when your diamond shoes are too tight, they are tight. They may be made of diamond

but you're like, oh, but. And also, I custom, I custom ordered diamond shoes. Yeah.

Like, if they're too tight, well, I'm fucking livid. I sent you the measurements. Like, it's a custom thing. It's not like my bowling.

It's not like I'm going to stretch them and then they're going, they're going to. The Tories, they don't stretch, they're made of diamond. Like, they have to, they have to fit.

So if my diamond shoes aren't too tight, yes, I shouldn't have bought them in the first place. But I did. We're past that now. My diamond shoes are too loose. Chafing. Okay, yes. Okay, sorry.

But thanks for also letting me fucking rant. But yes, I get it okay next thanks for being the foundation to his illustrious career aye okay but stop being jicks guys aye aye alright

I get it oh spiders African barking spider well I've got I've got a funny story to tell you about that that I can't take on here

what about African Barking Spider aye about where it comes from when when you know I'm going to explain

and then joke when when we Daniel fought we'll look around the room even if it's just us in the room we'll look around the room

under the bed in the cupboards and just give up the searching gun kind of thing yeah just pretend that the fart came kind of thing. Yeah, just pretend that the fart came from something other than yourself. It's a very, very fun game. I thoroughly recommend

it. The best one! The best one was when we were up getting stoned. I think we'd had some edibles. We were watching fucking Netflix and shit, right? And I farted and Daddy started looking under the coffee table and I started rummaging around the drawers and then Colin woke up, he'd been asleep

and just joined the search Colin woke up and just started looking around the house for a fart and I just looked at each other again does he now look for a fart? he started putting posters up it was on the fucking milk cartons

Colin what are you looking for he's like a different app same thing you're looking for love you just come oh it stinks whatever it is

it's dead have you seen the fucking size of that pink roll somebody else got me I'm not falling for that the size of that whoa I've seen that that pink roll somebody else got me I'm not falling for that the size of that whoa I see that

that pink roll somebody got me also that's another big you know what Natalie's right I shouldn't to everyone who has supported me and Kyle in this fucking

knitting thing so much you do not have to buy us knitting stuff but I'm not going to lie to you getting this hat that I knitted from a god son that was given what was given to me

by a fucking fan the scarf I knitted for my godson that was given wool was given to me by a fucking fan the scarf I knitted for my girlfriend was given to my fan I reckon the person who gave me that wool

might be a bit better about that and that's fair because you gave me that wool you know what happened give me that wool

oh she gave that girl got me some wool a girl bought me some wool like a fan bought me some wool and then you made a girlfriend a scarf with it she has she has some wool here's my bought me some wool and then you made a girlfriend scoff with it he has some wool

he has my number alright well I'll use one of these things I'll text you a picture of my girlfriend wearing the scarf but genuinely thank you to everyone

that's netted us something or bought us wool like you don't really have to there's a fucking somebody got a book over there that I'm going to give you because I think it's better suited for you

because you're further ahead we appreciate it so much it's so silly how far this has come already but I'm absolutely loving the little close knit community that we've got going now

yeah so that hat that was bought for £74. I've just got to use it to reinvest in the hobby and just buy some good wool and some equipment. I'm not going to be like, fucking bank. Next, sell another one.

No, I'm just going to spend it on supplies. So thank you. Thank you to everyone for supporting us. We love it. Stephen, who purchased my hat. Are we doing dad jokes? Yes. lies so thank you thank you thank you to everyone for supporting us we love it Stephen who purchased my hat are we doing

dad jokes yes your dad's been busy by the way that was my first one sorry here we go

your dad sits in the empty bath and then fills it up from there and when he's finished he starts whistling like a kettle

your dad thought the cat was the opposite to a dog Your dad sits in the empty bath and then fills it up from there and when he's finished he starts whistling like a kettle. Your dad thought the cat was the opposite to a dog. Is? Oh no. Inside out dog. Female dog. Your dad has a lot of opinions about immigration. All of them good. Your dad thinks kissing is for pussies

and at the end of their first date he'd give your mum a dead arm. Yeah, your dad uses a pogo stick to perv on his neighbours while they're upstairs. Whenever they're having sex all they hear is nice. Nice. They're in a three-storey house, he's built on it.

Nice. Nice. Ah! Oh, fuck. Where's that? When your dad buys a round, he comes back with an item I was billing,

collect all the money off everyone. Your dad bites into chocolate coins to make sure they're real. Your dad was doing driving and when the police lights appeared behind him, he jumped in the backseat, buckled up,

let the car glide to a natural stop and denied that he was ever at the wheel. And got away with it. Your dad snorts coke off the carpet. Oh, dad! Etiquette! Proper! That's spoilt me day, lad.

That's probably spoilt my day lad That's probably Spoilt my day Just on the big rug as well I'm pissed off at that That's fucking just annoying Your dad doesn't like bungee jumping With elasticated rope Because it makes him queasy

So he just uses normal rope He ties around his neck as well fucking pulls pulls his legs out his hip sockets you know how when you're paying

but you need to stop you just pinch the end your dad does that with his shit your dad isn't just a flat earther but he also thinks the moon and the sun

are flat that's more consistent than flat earth in the theory of the flat earth everything else should be flat so he's actually been very smart about it if your dad could rearrange

the alphabet there'd be three K's in it when your dad was in prison he got me to sneak him in a nail file and then the next time I visited him he had lovely nails Stanky shit though Your dad's parrot says Ow, stop, Linda, please stop

Ow, sorry, and I don't know why. That's so horrible. It's so horrible. Right, let's stop. Linda! Linda! Linda! What? Right, but then the rest of the time

you talk to it just as a normal voice that's what your dad sounds like it's a spot on impressionist of a parrot it's like recording you know what now that I think about it I think he's just a shift of feathers

on a fucking dictaphone your dad sucks tape bags as if they're sweets your dad takes Viagra before doing lengths to the pool and he says he uses it as a rudder

so he stays in his lane he calls his condoms rudder johnnies oh no but also yes I saw your dad crying reading a book and when I checked to see

what he was reading I noticed it was a colouring in book your dad's wedding vows were just your mum's wedding vows but repeated in a childish accent I learned that too with his tongue behind his teeth like in front of his teeth

until it was really until until thirsty work parts it was really awful your dad spun around on the sport 20 times and then ran in a straight line

perfectly without falling over but the judge didn't see how this could help his case and asked him to stop behaving like that in court we should probably do another one tomorrow or Friday just to fucking since we've been so late and asked him to stop behaving like that in court. We should probably do another one tomorrow or Friday since we've been so late.

I say we, me. Yeah, we'll do another one before we move on because you're in Brisbane after here and I'm in Tasmania. Aye. I'm looking forward to Tasmania because everyone hangs shit on Tasmania. You know when you go,

what's the fucking hick town around here so you can do like a hack joke about a neighbouring town that you go so like if you're Mock Sunderland in Newcastle like if you're I reckon you'll love Tasmania

so people are because it's scummy as fuck yeah people are like fucking saying Tasmania is like the fucking the little like fucking redneck town

aye and I'm like yeah aye it's great I'd much rather be in like a fucking redneck town aye and I'm like yeah aye it's great I'd much rather be in like a fucking redneck place than a pretentious place

you know what I mean no no I was in Launceston and whatever the fucking other one is two years ago and had an absolutely

fucking great the people there are fucking mental but you know it's fucking mental in the way that they are in fucking Fife and Newcastle just fucking poor areas yeah I feel that I feel like it's going to in the way that they are in fucking Fife and Newcastle. Just fucking poor areas.

Yeah, I feel that. I feel like it's going to be a bit more home-like. Aye, you'll love it. So to people in Tasmania, I'm going to be at Lonnie, and that's going to be next weekend. Not this weekend, coming next weekend. I'm going to do some solo shows. That's all on my website.

I'm also doing a couple of package shows with Kerry Marks and Andy Askins. So if you do live there, you should totally come to that because Andy and Kerry are fucking awesome. Sounds good. All right, bye fuckers.