Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 3.24 Fan Fiction

Episode Date: March 28, 2019

Muggins, Cream and THE Jew ate a cookie then recorded a podcast as it kicked in. Shout out to the 'fans' for bringing them. Muggins loses his porn books in Australia.

Here we go. This is the podcast. It needs a new theme tune, so this is the one. Is that a tune? What? I'm about to go for a piss. Are you going for a piss? Yeah, there was no way we were about to start.

Yeah, there was none of that. You can't just go, I'm ready. I thought it was real. No, you're texting. You're texting? No. You're texting on like, you know. Right, we'll start again.

Why are you telling no one? Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woo-hoo!

Ha-ha-ha! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aw, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical?

Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Daniel, are you ready? Are you just following on from the stage? You just got anywhere. Are you ready? The place where you left it. Are you ready this time?

Yes. Nothing's happened. I want you to know... This is the podcast. We're back on the podcast. The podcast is back and everyone's... You're a bit overexcited. Oh, God.

This is why nobody... This is why we don't get new listeners which I'm fine with by the way I like the fact that we have a cult look following but the reason we don't get new listeners

is because the start of it is always fucking shambles because you record at random points and then sing shit songs that no one enjoys and you don't want to guess you don't want to guess that we're starting now

well I just think if it's just like if it's just well the same frequency as me and you've just joined in like a little like no one's the same frequency as you what's the what's the three one you put the same frequency as me and you just joined in like a little like... No one's the same frequency as you. What's the three one?

You put the freaking frequency. You know, quartet. Weirdo. What would a trilogy of a quartet be? A trilogy. It could be like a trio. What's a three person quartet called? Excellent question.

Tritet? A tritet. A tritet. Right. Because it's a duet and there's a... A quart... A quart... What did we just call it?

A quartet. Quartet. Yeah, a tri-tet. Tri-tet. Right. Does there ever been a fucking tri-tet? We are going to be the first... But it's a trio, right?

We do know that, right? It's a trio. Oh, it is a trio. It is a trio, yeah. But it's not following the rules of the race, I think. No, it's not following the rules. How come it's duet? How come it's duet?

Just because we're in Australia and you just have to follow rules now you've become absorbed you're one of those which race is on to no no no we'll get on to that

we've got Keely Marks on the podcast but please let's not talk about it yet but by the way Australia are in their rules let's do the intro next

everywhere you go guys let's do the intro all I know is I'm doing something wrong let's do the intro together as a tri-tet right this is the podcast we're back on the podcast join in anytime you want boom boom All I know is I'm doing something wrong. Let's do the intro together as a tri-tet. Right.

This is the podcast. We're back on the podcast. Join in any time you want. The end. I'm not. People ask. See, he's right into it now. I won't fucking do a podcast right now.

I'm a friend. I'm a friend I'm not Britain right so now after the intro we have to try tape yeah do you want to

I would like to hello listeners it's us Muggins and Cream back in your ears we're joined here today by the very

funny Mr. Kenny Mars who doesn't sound like that hello he just got how are you it's really lovely

being on your podcast I love it. Fucking love it. I think... Plot twist. There's no Kerry here. This is just me. Just switching voices.

Right, yeah. But he's also... I want all the listeners to understand. He is moving his hand like he's wearing a puppet. But he's not wearing a puppet. He's literally moving... But I want to make it clear. I'm definitely not here.

Someone is doing me I mean being me we're doing a little bit of an experiment in the fact that we were given edibles by a fan well it's not by a fan

it was a friend who's a comedian but that's important for two reasons one always mark your friends up it just doesn't follow the rules does it

but second of all I want to look because the fans have been bringing rules does it but second of all I want to look because the fans have been bringing me a lot of edibles and I want to actively encourage them to keep doing that

let's get back to the fact that you became a friend under the bus no I threw a fan under the bus look you can be both you're both

I'm a fan of the podcast it's just how you describe your own parents as well I'm going to go and see my fans yeah they're my biggest fans

that's why I suck my mum's tits all the time I couldn't use a fucking paint roller I've got to go and see my fans. Yeah, they're my biggest fans. That's why I sign my mum's tits all the time. I couldn't use a fucking paint roller though. That's why I've always got little blotches of ink on my face. I just love those people. Kerry, I don't know if we've done, because we've been on the podcast a few times over the last couple of years. Did we ever find out if you had a nickname?

We did. It was Jew. I do answer to that. Other Jewish people would prefer I didn't. It's a bit unfair on them, really. At the annual meeting every month. I don't know why it's annual, though. The Jews meeting. Yeah. The Jews meeting.

Yeah, the Jew meeting. They go, Kaylee, Kaylee, could you stop answering to Jew, please? But because they called you Kaylee, you don't answer to it. And I ignore it. And then you say Jew and all of them go,

what? It's a whole kerfuffle. And I go, I want to be called the Jew. And they're like, why do you get to be the Jew? I'm like, why? Because I ditched it. I'm like, why do you get to be the Jew? He's like, why? Because I ditched it.

I'm like, what's your problem, a Jew? It's not a random Jew, you should know. Yeah, I don't smell Jew, why is your neck here?

The Jew. The social experiment, well, I say social experiment, what we've done is, we, there's some people who can do Jew well, do you know what I mean? They can do, because this what we've done is we... There's some people who can do Jew world, you know what I mean?

They can do, they can do, because this comes up quite a lot. And there's some people around me, because most of them are mixed with comedians. So they can do Jew and make fun of Jew. And it's fun and it's funny and we know where it's coming from. But then every now and then you get one, I won't mention it. Every now and then you get one amongst us who just like, they don't quite get it. There's a bit of spanking. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It comes down a bit real. I'll be paying for something they go oh you're paying for something due and I go oh no that's not how it works yeah

why did you put that's real why did you put the word fucking before it yeah why are you doing a good step you don't understand

the bit so it's Mr. Due to you please please Mr. Jew to you. Please, please, Mr. Jew is my mother. Just call me the Jew. But as the Jew, you give us permission. You give us permission to be doing these jokes, right? I'm glad I have a robe.

As one of your fans Speaking of which a lovely fan called Nat Domino got us some edibles and we've decided to eat them at the start of the podcast so just to let the listeners know we are not high now we're not high now

no we're not high now but if it it's hard to say if this descends into shambles which it always fucking is it's just going to get

worse essentially he's talking about me are you choking, it's just going to get worse, essentially. He's talking about me. Are you choking up? No. Are you going to cry? I'm just, I'm just, I'm just. It's not bad, you know. He was like, if we don't get a little bit, if we get a bit higher.

I'm actually, I was trying to burp up the, I was trying to fucking burp up the fucking, I wasn't trying to, but burping the cookie. You do this every time you bring up Jews. I just, you're going to get really emotional. I do emotional I do I do I just I remember what

happened to you that one time hundreds of times yeah excuse me yeah it's happened to you a lot and at what point

is podcasting about to change dramatically so let's start where should we start from yeah the juice have

gone through the crusades or further back further back what I mean you were Moses was made to walk through the fucking desert for a bunch of fucking days for no goddamn reason.

People have not liked us for a very long time. I don't know. You might be, and I will say unfairly, but you might be the most hated people of all time. I think it's probably true, actually. Yeah. Consistently and worldwide. Yeah, probably.

Well, largely with the spread of Christianity right Christians spread the the Jews were the scapegoats from early on so despite the fact that Jesus was king of the Jews well the thing is

the Jews were it was actually just the king of you actually no no he was the king of me you know you were the Jew when you say that you were the Jew

and he was king of the Jews yeah it's funny that they did a fight rather than that head of all you know this you were the Jew and he was king of the Jews it would be funny if this ended in a fight rather than a head of balls never kicked in yet yeah yeah

ow instead of your dad jokes it's us being each other today sorry I interrupted no but you're right the Bible is basically all Jews so the Jews are the goodies

and the baddies and then what people remember is just the baddies and they don't understand it's really unfair choosing, oh, well, Jews are obviously bad because they were bad in the Bible. Everyone in the Bible,

everyone's bad. You can't do that. God's rotating, he hates everyone. We're all evil in his eyes. And then we're not in the New Testament. Yeah. Yeah. It's a bit like in some old Greek mythology

and it's going, well, the Greeks were the worst ones in that story. Like, well, there weren't any others. So you've got no foreskin then what's that like cutting journalism there from Daniel Slott good pun

I've never tried both so I can't really compare you did for a bit but just not within your regular age eight days it was eight days those eight days

are not very much were you one of the babies that the rabbi had done the little sucky thing on? No, no. That's only some orthodox. Have you ever seen it done?

Have you ever seen a bris? Nah. A what? It's called a bris. What's called a bris? That's a ceremony. It's a ceremony. It's a ceremony.

I'm fucking right, yeah. Is it? Yeah, it's really important. To chop the end of a baby's dick off. Yes, totally. That's a bit not on for me. It's an honour.

It's an honour to chop off a baby's dick. Or to do it, but not to have it done. No, to do it. Not to have your dick... It's like pulling a wishbone if you get the bigger half. It's like a clamp thing that goes around the end so that you don't get the whole penis.

I thought they just did a ketchup package. You just fucking put your molars on it and you... When your hands are full and you're trying to get the cap off the soy sauce for your sushi you know how it's done right no I generally don't okay it's done with

a similar thing to a karate chop it's like a Jewish version of a karate chop the karate chop they're near cock off rabbis are like these people are highly trained

and it's not with like a high up it's a real sound like like that and then it just it just flies off when a baby when a baby's got when you clamp it enough and you just whack it and it's gone real sound like like that and then it just it just flies off when a baby when a baby's got

when you clamp it enough and you just whack it and it's gone it just drops away yeah side of the hand right no no no

I'm absolutely not falling he's pulling I've seen the video pulling your plonker it's it it's it's it's the cigar

it's like the cigar thing it's a cigar it's a cigar he's a really lazy rabbi it's a cigar gun. It's a cigar gun. These are really lazy rabbis. It's nail clippers. Before they smoke it. Before they smoke it.

This cigar's getting longer. Just use a broken bottle. Smash a bottle off the wall and then just dig at it. Then you go to one of those YouTube clips of useful things to do with a beer. You can hold napkins together. If you've got triplets, Then as you go to one of those YouTube clips of useful things to do with a bit of foreskin. Sometimes you just... Now you can hold napkins together. If you've got triplets, they just light them up and they do it with a pitco.

Yeah. Yeah. It's just easy. All right. It would be... You heard it here first. Yeah. You need a fucking lumberjack axe to get mine off.

It's just so hearted with years of gum bones off oh well yeah thanks for coming on the podcast so I want to get back onto the Australia thing

because that's where we were going before oh yes you got us off that thing yeah yeah you got us off that thing yeah but I remember someone's controlling this So I want to get back onto the Australia thing because that's where we were going before. Oh, yes, yes. You got us off that thing. Yeah, yeah. You got us off that thing. Yeah, but I remember. Someone's controlling this.

I'm putting you back on. So we want to... You mean mummy. This week we're not going to put... You deal with the subject. We're not going to put... We're not going to do Muggle Corner Zoops. I think we're all agreeing that we're...

No, because we don't do rules. We don't need rules. We don't need to be told we have to do Muggle Corner because we don't follow rules. That's why to be told we have to go to the market corner because we don't follow rules that's why we came into the business isn't it oh no but it's not

it's not just Australia is just a country of people that for no well okay so over the I've been to Australia for several years

and one thing I will caveat this with is I do love gigging in Australia it's one of my fucking favourite places to do it sweethearts the people are sweethearts people are sweethearts

it's so fun to fucking gig in I do love the fucking cities you know it's the quality of life it's a fucking great place that being said you are a fucking

nation of nerds you just obey you're so conformist you're so conformist there's no sorry there's no rebellion to any of you

like the Australian government could bring in fucking any rule whatsoever and every Australian would just go no well I guess we gotta obey by that rule now. The doorman from the hotel come over the road away from his door and just went um is that weed lads you're not allowed to smoke that come on I'm like your doors over there, get on your door this is your Jewish picture. No we were on the street

smoking weed and a doorman left the hotel and came over and went you can't smoke weed and we're like you're not a police officer

you fucking go back to do your fucking job you just fucking started patrolling the streets what's your purpose why are you doing that

it's a uniquely Australian thing and it's I don't know I think people follow rules that don't like it but other people don't you know because that's otherwise there's no point single fucking one of them. I don't know, I think people follow rules that don't like it when other people don't,

you know, because otherwise there's no point in following the rules. Because if I can't do this, why should everyone else be doing it? Because we're cooler than you. That's never the best answer at the time.

Oh, but like, first, over the years I've become more and more sort of like, become knowing of it. The one that always gets me

is fucking Australia for some reason has the most inexplicably worst traffic lights in the world. Like crossing a road in Australia is a five minute ordeal

where you press a button and for some reason it lets cars go twice and then round seven they've got no idea how to run a fucking city based on fucking cars. And at two in the morning

in Adelaide I remember this fucking vividly I was walking home drunk no cars on the road 15 people waiting for the driver to go

and I went I'm not like there's no cars on the road, 15 people waiting for the driver on the road and I went, I'm not, like there's no cars, I have eyes and I can work at a crossroads. Say the spot in 300 in it, hold, hold.

Oh man, me stepping across that and walking, just, they were offended. Somebody audibly gasped and was like, oh my god.

And then, and then a guy who was like, and I will say this, a big fucking, buff fucking guy goes to the fucking gym and was like, oh, you think you're cool? And who was like, and I will say this, a big fucking buff fucking guy goes to the fucking gym and was like,

oh, you think you're cool? And I was like, no. I just think you're all lame. This is what people do. There's no... It's having like... Initiative. Initiative or just some semblance of...

I got told off for it yesterday in a woman who just... who ran up to me afterwards and said, you're supposed to wait to cross. And I go, why are you telling me that? You're not the government Yeah

What are you getting from that? Why are you passing that on to me? Do you think I don't know? The road was empty Do they just have this thing where if they go right if we all stick the rules everything will run smoothly

and we'll just all do it so they've all just agreed to conform Yeah coming from the last country to get gay rights to be fair we don't know i'd like to know do they have per capita or per amount of traffic less accidents on the road etc no they definitely don't i don't think they do no they're just a bunch of fucking dweebs man like it's the same thing with like australia notoriously especially

in sydney it's got very bad fucking uh nightlife because they've got these fucking lockout laws that they all just adhere to like I guarantee like we were talking about this the other day when they banned when they banned drinking on the

underground in London what happened was there was a massive party in King's Court station where everyone got really fucking shit faced

and then since then we've all continued to drink on the underground but just be subtle with it we've all started looking for hip flask

you keep doing what you're doing that in Australia they would just go okay next Tuesday no we'll do it now we'll stop now that's the rule

that's in place and you don't have to emplace it I nominate myself to be the person that's going to tell you all how to live your lives

you're very welcome government who I also claim to hate on Twitter you've got all these fucking, all these fucking, and it happens with the fucking comedians as well. They just say they've been like, you know, here's, you know, we've got, you know, I fucking hate the government, I fucking hate the government. I'm like, why are you pressing the wait to cross the road button in? Like, usually.

I don't think it's most people. I think it's just like a small percentage, but they're really vocal. They have no problem. They're in a's just like a small percentage, but they're really vocal. They have no problem. They're in the same space. Do you think we say they're all? Do you think we blacklist? Do you think most Australians are cool? I think most everywhere doesn't give a shit.

But they just have a higher amount of bossy nerds. So if you're crossing the road in front of like 30 people and one person shouts out, we just assume that all 30 of them are that guy. Well to be fair because all other 30 of those people are still waiting there

like a bunch of fucking losers. And they're not punching that guy. You know? They're not holding him down. They're not calling him a loser. That's the thing is when you see someone pushing the rule here

nobody else says why are you doing that? It's us who normally is going like why? What's the point? Do you reckon Teacher's Pet was not an insult here because teacher's pet was the worst

it was the worst thing that could be said to you in fucking primary school that was when we all learned the rule snitches get stitches which apparently for a country that was based on a fucking prison system i'm going to assume that all your hard cuts are still in jail and all the fucking white little snitches are the only ones that the whiny snitches in the jail used to hold the outturned pocket

of the big guy you know they used to get congratulated when I was in the prison I wish I could hold a pocket what a high honour

that is yeah why did he get to hold the pocket I do think it's more obsequious than me I would kind of agree

what about the doorman that wouldn't let you take a drink up to your room that was all three of us right I'm living in this place I'm living in the

Oxford Hotel I'm living in this place you're in your 50s sorry sorry to give some context for this you're staying in the Oxford Hotel

wasn't that on my birthday yeah alright so that was on my 53rd birthday I was 53 again never been kissed

what does that mean I don't know I'm 21 I'm 21 again how old do you really think I am and I'm lying about that you're staying in the Oxford Hotel

we all went in for a spliff which obviously we won't do because they would lose their mind but we all went to get a beer

and to get a glass to go upstairs and But we all went to get a beer, and they just had a glass to go upstairs, and as we were about to go upstairs, the doorman came in and went, Hey man, you can't take those upstairs. Not big beers, a pot. A pot of beer. Which is the smallest size, right? You can't take glass in your room?

I was like, fucking newsflash, the window's made of glass. But also... You can take me window, and I'll get out of there. I've got a glass eye, you have to leave it outside. How am I meant to see oh never mind part of me is fighting with him being like you can't take glasses

I'm serious I'm like look I understand that like trying to smash it it's going to be fucking cleaned I get that sort of thing so I was like

we'll transfer it to plastic he was like no no it's the rule is your knowledge of drinking in your room it's like but whose rule

he's like it's just the rule and you go but you're who gave you the rule tell us who in, who gave you the rule? And tell us who, tell us who gave you this rule so we can try and explain to them,

be like, hey, it's his birthday, we're just drinking upstairs, it's just, it's just these drinks, honestly, talk to us,

we're not that drunk, we're not going to be drunk, we're not going to be rowdy. Like, in all, I always find it, in all other parts of the world, you're able to,

but you're able to talk to people and be like, the second, you can make other people conform to humanity you go hey hey hey here's a face and here's this thing like in the UK

they'll go right just you but like don't fucking come on now I'll let you through now that I've humanised you they just don't do it it's every single one of you

there was a guy so I picked a carry up from the airport and I had the hire car and I pulled into the pick up point which was by the way empty like it probably fits about like 40 cars during the day when it's busy there's were two cars in there so I pulled in and the guy come up and went are you waiting to pick someone

up and I went yep he was like do a lap then because this is immediate pickup only I think I but it's quiet so I'll just wait here for him he's landed he's just getting his luggage she's like now you've got to move on and I was like and you wanna explain it was why because when I get back it's landed he's just getting his luggage he's like nah you've got to move on and I was like do you want to explain to us why because when I get back it's just going to be just as quiet like I'll pull away

and he just went oh don't mess with us at the end of my shift and I was like one when the fucking end of your shift got to do with it

and also I'll change it I don't know if it's the end of your shift go and clock off you mad cunt go and like just turn a blind eye to the shit

that's happening at the end of your shift instead of being such a jobs warore from that late in the hours. I remember this happening in Perth, I went into one of the, there's a little shopping centre fairly near us and these are the only choices right, there's an Audi so I went into there just to have a look see what the stuff they do, had a look, came straight back out again and the guy stopped me and went oh you can't leave the shop without me going through your bag am I accused

of something no no I'm not accusing you of anything but you can't leave the shop without me going through your bag

and there's other customers around going this is weird to me that's my private fucking shit no one's seen me stealing anything

I didn't steal anything I wasn't visible I was behind a shelf I didn't steal anything I wasn't visible I was behind a shelf I didn't I've only popped my You know what I know what Australia says You know how

I was a magician If I'm going to steal I'm fucking good at it mate But the point was I not only hadn't done anything I clearly had, I just walked in turned around and walked straight back out again. But the other customers around, there were quite a few people, they were all backing him up.

And that's what blew me away. It wasn't that he wanted to look through my bag. He just wanted to see what's in my bag. He wanted to look through my bag. But the other people around... Rabbit after rabbit after rabbit. How do you feel trusted as a customer if they want to check your bag

when you're allowed to walk into a shop and not buy anything right but that's the interesting thing in the UK that fucking guy

would be ripped to fucking shreds by the customers being like I'll fucking rain it and cunt fucking jobs with a piece of shit whereas in Australia

they'll just go no no to be fair he's seeing the rules me and Andrew Maxwell they did they were going yeah but you know

he doesn't know that you haven't stolen anything he doesn't have a reason to think I have stolen anything. It isn't until Croc had proven guilty. Me and Maxwell in Perth, again, I would- One of your fans. One of my fans, yeah.

Big fan, Andrew Maxwell. One of my, I love getting in Perth by, it's my least favourite place in the world, and it's because of, it's the most, this part of Australia, culture, which I hate, it exists the most in fucking Perth. Me and Maxwell, as two adults, went for a dinner, we had a day off, and we went over to the coast to dinner and we had a bottle of wine between us, right? On a fucking Thursday night. We then go to a bar afterwards, right?

We might have had a fucking pint somewhere else. But, like, again, we're British, I know how much I can fucking drink and I know what I'm like when I'm drunk. We walk into this fucking bar and this guy goes, have you two been drinking? And we were like, yeah, yeah, like a bit. He goes, how much I can fucking drink and I know what I'm like when I'm drunk. We walk into this fucking bar and this guy goes, have you two been drinking? And we were like, yeah, yeah, like a bit. He was like,

how much? I was like, a bottle of wine, maybe a pint of gin. He's like, no, I've got to serve you a pint of water

before I can serve you any alcohol. And I was like, and me and my son were like, what? And he's like, yeah, I'm not,

I'm not, I'm just not, I'm just not comfortable sitting. At this point you're like, actually, we're quite fancy, a glass of water, but I just can't

I can't drink it I just need to do the fucking principle but he wouldn't he would not serve me after half a bottle of wine each in a fucking pint he's either being like

it's just the rules and I'm like who's this fucking rule maker that you're all scared of like who is this who is this one why who's the one

because is it your police because I've spoken to a lot of police officers in Australia and a lot of them are fucking sound maybe they're not maybe I've just had a lot of police officers in Australia and a lot of them are fucking sound. Maybe they're not. Maybe I've just had a fucking unlucky encounter with a government.

Yeah, they seem sound. They're just cycling around with their shorts on. They're hardly a dominating threat. Oh, they're fucking ring, ring. Those are the words you're fucking saying. I don't know what it is. I don't know why Australia... I've got to say once again that I really like Australia

and I've had a really good time out here and so on, but it's just this fucking weird and that one in England or in the UK they'll tell you that you've had too much to drink

if you're falling over punching someone or you're about to get into a car and you're clearly drunk otherwise it just doesn't come up

and so were you there last time we were in Perth with Dan and a couple of others we sat down and this was in the artist bar so With Dan and a couple of others, we sat down, and this was in the artist bar.

So this is the artist after gigging, and we sat down at a table that had some empties on it. So we haven't drunk them. And almost immediately, we sat down with drinks, we just started drinking, I'm totally sober, and the lady in charge came over, and it was this patronising. It was like, boys, I think you've had enough to drink, haven't you? And I said to her,

I said, look, that's a bit weird to me because no one's spoken to me like this for a long time. I'm a fucking... I'm an adult and everything. And she went,

well, I'm just trying to help you boys. You've got to stop drinking now. Drink water. And then she put her hand on my shoulder and she went, please go home safely. And you're on your first drink.

You are so lucky you're a woman. Right now. You are so lucky. It's never an advantage of being a woman it's now imagine I just felt like a woman just like

yeah just talk to me like that go home don't hurt anyone try not to punch people in history in every fucking country I can tell you

a bunch of fucking William Wallace was a famous rebel in Scotland fucking Robert the Bruce was a famous rebel in Scotland fucking Robert the Bruce was a famous reference Colin rebel I said rebel yeah yeah like something went fucking in such an unread like Guy Fawkes and fucking England in America there's obviously based in the fucking history in all of

these fucking places in all these other countries there's a not just one but loads of examples of fucking rebels that I've got against it name fucking one Aussie one I think I can actually yeah but I don't know the full story so I don't know if I'm naming a rebel or just a criminal but Ned Kelly oh Ned Kelly

I think he was a criminal and also if he was a criminal he was probably I don't know his court of arms is in the museum just next to down the road

yeah cool so they got one was he like a Robin Hood-y type character I'm not sure I don't have an excellent example another fictional one, though.

No, not based on... Not you. ...possibilities. No, no. Do you actually think he's a fox as well? Of course he is. All right, oops. Not none.

Who else would it be? No, no, no. It's just like... It's just being, like, facetious. All right. Whatever that means. He's facetious. he's one of his fans bye facetious

bye oh excellent I've got something noteworthy alright attach it now it is remember I told you I got them kinky books

kinky boots kinky boots no I remember it was kinky Remember I told you I got them kinky books? Kinky boots? Kinky boots. No, I remember his kinky boots. He was very happy with them. Kinky books. Aye. Oh, yes. Sorry, so give more context to this.

Yeah, so Natalie, on my birthday... Your dirty whore wife. Hey! I'm quoting the book. She's not a whore. Your dirty whore. Whore wife and fan. Yes, your wife and fan. So, yes, your wife.

So she gets us these books, right, where she types in, like, my name, her name, a couple of, like, height, hair colour, eye colour, interests, friends, and, like, it just, like, replaces the blanks in this book. So for the American Missions, it's like a sexual Mad Lib novel. Yeah, Mad Libs, the game Mad Libs. Yes, it's just a novel where it fills in the blanks in this book. So it's, for the American missions, it's like a sexual Mad Lib novel. Yeah, Mad Libs,

the game Mad Libs. Yes, it's just a novel where it fills in the blanks. So it's weird because like the dialogues are always the same regardless of who the people are.

So like, you're reading it down. I wouldn't say that. You've done this a few times, have you? Yeah. She bought me three books. She buys you both books.

It's like a kinky little book where it's like chapter one. So Kai. You click on a star rating. Oh, of how filthy it is. Of how filthy it is. And she clicked on five star with no idea how filthy it was going to get. I would have assumed she would you click on a star rating of how filthy it is and she clicked on five star with no idea

how filthy it was I would have assumed she would have clicked on brown star for two reasons like there was one bit where there's one bit where

I don't know the reasons she loves it she's brown sorry Natalie Natalie you're an angel my brown angel Oh she's making a dirt angel Yeah we even killed a prostitute

in one of them it's pretty hardcore You wrote that in though yourself Yeah yeah It was your handwriting It was about handwriting. I did, yeah. It was the about the author section. You kept nudging me and going, did you like that bit,

the killing the prostitute bit? What do you think? It was actually, I think it was a pimp were killed in a brothel because he was getting a bit heavy-handed with the prostitutes. I thought this was a sex book. It is.

I went and I started... So you and her... Thin line. Me and Natalie were just going to Amsterdam shagging prozzies of course

you're shagging prozzies I had a free symbol here in this

prozzie bloke kind of good was it kind of good was it

so these books like graphic three of them I've read one and a

half of them get on to the new one fucking wait and also and you don't have to answer this question

are you jerking off while you read them you know what I haven't is that is that is that your book I haven't

you just go to like this I know you haven't got a bunch of visual memories yeah this is I haven't only because like I've started reading them like since I know you haven't got a bunch of visual but I haven't got good visual memories yeah this is why I haven't only because like I've started

reading them like since I realised I had aphantasia like I would have been able to enjoy them not knowing that like like other people could bring up

actual visual imagery right so now I just feel like it's a bit short changed but I have read them with Natalie oh right I just read it out loud

like I'm trying to get her to sleep just tuck her in kiss her forehead then go and sleep in the other room it's just you and me getting to bed she's down then we kill a prostitute don't lie She down. Aye. Aye, she's down. Till then we kill a prostitute.

Aye. So, um... I think... Oh, no. Look. So I get to Tasmania. Yeah, sorry. I get to Tasmania and I'm rummaging around.

It was actually... I sent some knitting home and it hadn't arrived. I spent... I spent for four days on delivery. It didn't arrive after 12 days. Also, just on 12 days Australian post

is the worst in the world Australian internet is the worst in the world also bookmark this bookmark this we'll get back to this and the thing we've realised

about Australia is Australia is Australia as a country is the equivalent of the hot girl that never had to develop a personality right

because the one the two because all they do that's it they go hey we're hot we're hot and you that's it they go hey we're hot we're hot and you go what else

they're like we're hot we're hot and you go what else what about your plumbing your wifi is it good no it's all shit alright okay

can I do drugs here no no not only can you not do them we'll actively fucking snitch on you from a distance and also if you do want them super expensive really bad

really bad it's a great place to have fun but but there is a rule, no fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's almost there. It's almost there. It's so close. It's got everything it needs. It's a hot girl that will only suck your dick on your birthday.

And by that, the blowjob on your birthday is their minimum wage. Their minimum wage is incredible. Like, they pay everyone. But it's one thing. As soon as this comes through, it's just thing. Australia's just this kind of place. It's just going, eh, we had the potential to be great. Hey, hey,

we're the white version of Dubai. That's all. Australia's the white Dubai. Hey, it's sunny. It's beautiful. It's expensive. If I see one fucking smile on that face, I will fucking chin you myself.

Step in line. People are great, though. People are great. People are great people are fucking great anyone can shoot a kangaroo we just can't cross the road you are you can't shoot I'm saying anyone can shoot a kangaroo

we just can't cross the road you can't shoot a kangaroo so in Tasmania yeah you know about this I'm looking for the receipt for the fucking stuff I sent back home

because it hadn't arrived yet it's since arrived panic alert and when looking for this receipt for the fucking stuff I sent back home because it hadn't arrived yet. It's since arrived, panic alert. And when looking for this receipt, like going through all my luggage, I realised there was three books missing. No. I left the books at the Airbnb. Do you think you can ring down a guy to read them for you? I've told Dan Willis that there's three books of sentimental value.

I wonder why he flew back to Tasmania yeah I was going to just tell Dan that these books were important to us could you get in touch

with Airbnb to be fair you can't spell sentimental without semen is that right yeah that's why it took me

so long to get to that joke I was genuinely fat it would have been way quicker but I was fat checking

yeah I was going to get him to just get them sent to his wife and then she could bring them up to Melbourne when she comes here right with her fucking

soaking pants but he wasn't going to do it but the woman in the Airbnb complained about us leaving a few empty water bottles there so I don't know how

she's going to react to some porn yeah that was so weird right so we were meant to be out at 11 Katie was staying there till the end

and she'd like still had some clothes hanging up and they sent like a picture of the clothes still hanging up and then when she sent it to Dan I was like

oh well that means Katie's still in the house she wouldn't have left without her clothes so she's still in there and so and sent a picture of some like

empty bottles oh no it was a laptop and stuff on the table wasn't it I was like yeah that's like fucking Goldilocks is in bed man

like somebody's in the house it's a fucking difficult puzzle to solve she hasn't left the place of state she's just still in it she needs to grab her belongings and get out

in time for 11 right which she did charge her $160 for cleaning like she didn't clean like Dan's going yeah the clothes

while hanging up I'm like yeah she didn't pack for Katie but it was just something to do with a clean house booked for 10 and not 11

so they wouldn't start work that hour so she wouldn't start work while there was they she wouldn't start work while there's someone in the house so we need to charge bless you bless you

we need to charge bless you I mean this story is losing all kinds of momentum no no sorry continue so they said we're going to need to charge you for the extra

the extra hour of cleaning but that's not $160 it's not now you said the minimum we're just good here we said we had a few plastic water bottles were left there

right yeah I've never understood the fucking thing it's like it's now you said the minimum wage is good here a few plastic water bottles were left then right yeah I've never understood the fucking thing it's like it's I think Airbnbs should be clean and included I'm like

you're going I know for a fact cleaning is included you're going to play for a cleaner afterwards and I know that because if I walk into a place if I wasn't at an Airbnb and you're like

oh the last guy cleaned it I'm like you fucking bring a cleaner in here right now and get into a problem I know that's happening so you know what I'll load the fucking dishwasher but fuck the rest of your shit

earn your wage like yeah and I think it's I can understand if people leave like caked on like dried food

from days that someone's got to create a scrub and all that shit but otherwise no when it's just a case of putting it into the

washing machine I'll always take the I'll always take the I'll always take the damage damage like you've got to pay for your damage. I understand.

The cleaning, like the day to day stuff. We kept on top of it. It wasn't a party house. It was clean. No one shat the floor or anything. I slept in loads. There was nothing particularly bad going on. Just a few empty bottles.

Anyway, how she will have reacted to porn, I don't know. Yeah, so if they're that fucking... If plastic bottles are... I honestly think based on her reacting to that I think you're going to go to

jail and they're going to try and get Natalie extradited over here to also

arrest her for killing a prostitute for killing a prostitute yeah so yeah I'd love

to get these books back but it's just and I don't mean to diminish your sadness

I understand the same by me grandad have you spoken to her well Natalie no the woman

from the Airbnb nah why not because I tried to get Dan to get them back for us because I'm a pussy

and he's got the communication with her but he just sent us that number shall I ring her now yeah I was going to say you've got the number shall I get her he just sent us a number showing her now

You're not fooling a human being at fucking quarter to midnight on a Thursday that's to ask for porn You know what now they mention it get it get get her on the speaker. Clit witcher. That was your mum's word, wasn't it? Was it? Yeah, your mum invented clit witcher for... I think she did. I was in Flickbook. I think your mum invented Flickbook, didn't she? Clit witcher was for what? For what? For porn. For like written porn. Like, what do you call it, the Fifty Shades type of stuff. Oh, right.

That might be a fun game to play one day is we just write fucking sexual fan fiction about each other.

About each other? Alright, look, that's what I made earlier. I'm just getting into

Dungeons and Dragons, this is going too fast. Can we stick to one game at a time? We did,

after, I will point out to the podcast listeners, because sometimes I'm like you I listened to Kyrie and Katie's last podcast

which was a very funny voice very very funny but immediately the second Kyrie started telling his fucking I was just writing stories I was so fucking angry

I was really polite you didn't hear how polite I was during it you were and you should have been it was fucking genius mate Katie it's so

man try doing one twice a fucking week on the road with a cunt. Like, all he does is just try and explain. And also, like, especially in the part of the opportunity... You know, private jokes are special, man.

Like, especially... Having one mini game of it now, I understand basically what it is, but at the time, no, you just sounded like... It still sounds insane. But that game was good, wasn't it? The way we taught the animals about the economy. That was a really good game actually

I'm going to start over explaining it now I mean these talking wolves were dangerous right there was no way

of stopping them you've turned into a kid what are you doing why can't it just be a teaching them how money works

and everything I mean I would rather talk them about talk them love yeah but we're only a couple hours

right we're back we're back that was bit, I promise. I promise we'll just do it a bit and we'll explain them. But did you enjoy your first foray into Dungeons and Dragons? I had to hide up a tree. You rode a deer? My deer got stuck. No, my deer got murdered by my friend who lied about it. Yeah, we're back into the old trope of what we've just gone through. Shit. I think could do more of them

oh never mind not yet we've also discovered a great board game can we just recommend because we'd love doing recommendations

for our listeners if anyone wants to get into the game it's called King of Tokyo it is one of the best board games

it's barely a board game like the board is the tiniest board. It's a dice game, isn't it? Yeah, it's a dice game. But, you know, on a technicality, I don't want to explain fucking too much of it, but it's basically like,

it's old school Godzilla fighting in fucking Tokyo. You pick your monster, you fight them in the thing. Your monsters are trying to fight for Tokyo, so you want to be in there, and when you're in there, you're scoring points, but you can't. You're doing it again, guys. We're pitching the game. you're pitching the game so when you go

this is a pitch to you as well when you go to Tokyo you're earning points but you're losing power I hate it when he's earnest it's so difficult to get around him when he's earnest you know

you sound like a twat and we go yeah no no but it's a really good point I'm trying to make oh no you're a twat you still sound like a twat though we'll play this game you've got to hang around for a bit after the podcast I'm trying to make it I'm like no make your point make your point get out of here twice it's not just hell I can flat out

we'll play this game are you going to hang around for a bit after the podcast wow that's putting me on the spot whilst we've got the podcast going on of course

because we knew yes I will would you like to stay and play the boy games with your friends yeah come play the boy games with us

anyway to the listeners King of Tokyo is good and if I'll say whether it's good or not you know what fine we'll do a fucking second podcast on

leave things well days and days Thursday this is technically coming out in time in the UK yeah so we'll get them why would I believe someone sounds like a twat

should we make a promise you know how we're really good at our promises yeah we always stick to them should we do Monday and Thursday podcasts Monday and Thursdays are back yeah yeah yeah

we'll get them back and we'll also get some more people on Cody's in town obviously Mr. Katie Marks is here hello we should probably get John Hastings on and Gavin Montgomery nah obviously Mr. Katie Marks is here hello we should probably get

John Hastings on and Gavin Montgomery nah nothing yeah that's fine well I know they're listening because they're my fans you're going to get

all your fans on yeah you can't do enough podcasts no no this must be a great day for you is this make a wish for Instagram

is that why you wanted to do fan fiction I want a competition so your show I'm just here for the diversity I can cross that off there's probably some rule in Australia we should call this episode the Bechtel test

Bechtel test Bechtel test is when you find out if something sexist or not no so the Bechtel test is basicallyel test Bechtel test is when you find out if something's sexist or not no so the Bechtel test is basically oh find out if you're a

robot no which one's that Turing test that's to find out if you're gay oh yeah

the Turing test you know when you like lose your fucking you try to log in on Amazon in a different country or something

and they'll be like how many of these have got traffic lights in I love that minigame oh my god I fucking hate it because you're like do you because you're like you're looking at like how many of these have got traffic lights in I love that minigame oh my god I fucking hate it

because you're like do you because you're like you're looking at it going well that's got a traffic light in but I would say the whole post I think you're missing out

with the driving test yes so he's done yeah well fucking I've failed then I can't drive because I can't honestly

I can't pass a chewing test because you see which of these are traffic lights and you'll see the traffic lights with the light in it but the traffic light's with the light in it but the traffic light squares with the post in it

and you're like well I would still consider the post as the traffic light no it's a see if there's a traffic light I don't think you understand what I'm saying

I don't and it takes up three squares on the you know the board yeah right and the first two squares

are the post but then the third square has got the lights on it so it's a picture that's been divided into squares oh I see. You're doing that.

Right, okay. And they're asking which ones are traffic lights. Sorry. There's another version they do, which is like, how many of these pictures

have roads in it? How many of these pictures have windows in it? And it's separate pictures where only the corner of a window or whatever. Oh, no.

It's highly the squares with cars in. And they're like, there's like a millimetre of the car in that one. A bit of wheel hanging over and shit. I don't know if that counts. The best one. But it's not a car. In fact, no picture is a car. It'simetre of the car. A bit of wheel hanging over and shit. I don't know if that counts.

The best one. But it's not a car. In fact, no picture is a car. It's a bit of a car. It's like a car door or a car. The best one is, I don't know if you've had this, and I think they took it down on Facebook, but it was the funniest thing of all.

It was like, hey, someone else is trying to log into your account. For you to log back in, right, we're going to show you random pictures of your mates and you've got to tell us which mate that is. Really? Oh, man. For me, it's fine because I'm like, because they bring up

sometimes old fucking photos and random photos because you tag people in things as jokes. So there's a bunch of fucking photos where they just have like very, very,

like one picture of a fucking, like a baby shitting itself and I'm like, I'm pretty sure that I tagged Mark Nelson in this yeah

and what about all the there was a time when I I fell out with Natalie and it was my fault and you have taggers and pictures with dogs with a tail between their legs yeah

yeah yeah yeah I also don't like it being that obvious about knowing that much about us yeah you know when he brings up old friends and shit

hey hey hey who's your friend yeah yeah yeah I know everything which of these bars have you visited recently all of those

which of these drugs have you done tell the truth I can't believe you don't for me those are just like mini games there are many games in real life

if I was good at them I can't have passed them the amount of times I've been told I was a robot like I kind of liked it for a bit like I just thought

well you know what if the shoe fits are you getting slightly suspicious it might be right yeah I just walk around as being a robot for a bit

I just know to get up at 10am exactly as always what would your preferred method be just accept my password you know like obviously

just accept my password a robot's not going to enter my password is it a robot's not going to enter my password is it a robot's not going to guess my fucking intricate password

that's really personal and then fail at pointing it well I did a robot wouldn't if it was the robot from my

robot it's like it's trying to make sure I am a robot do you know what robots are getting so

clever now as well they'll be able to know instantly which part is a car or which ones are your friends better than we

do somewhere in the future it will be failing the test proves you're human yeah oh wow yeah right now but then fucking robots are so easy to kind of click onto that and then just start failing all right they're already a step ahead do you want to know the most uh terrifying thing i learned so you know self-driving cars this is necessarily funny but it's just interesting self-driving cars do you know how they programmed them to drive on the roads they fucking didn't right all they did

right was they just into this fucking computer they just showed the computer millions and millions and millions of videos of people driving

right all the fucking dashboards all the sort of things and from that the computer was able to work out what the rules of driving didn't teach them how to drive they taught them how to learn they taught them how to fucking learn so that, the computer was able to work with the rules of driving. They didn't teach you how to drive.

They taught them how to learn. They taught them how to fucking learn. So that's the thing. That's why computers are terrifying. It's not basically what you can fucking pull them to. It's the fact that they are capable of fucking learning and adapting. That scared the ever-loving fuck out of me. Because that means, right?

Man, if they can teach people how to learn, they're going to be fucked. The one thing we must never change is the fact they have to be plugged in. You know, no matter what you put into them, it's going to be always possible to pull out a plug. I'm on wireless headphones, mate. I'm sorry. I'm part of the... I'm accidentally part of the fucking... Wireless headphones are so good.

Oi. Oh, my God. You can still turn them off, though, can't you? You can, and they do need to be charged. You've got an off button, though, haven't you? Oi. Yeah. So do you think...

You know, there's a good point. You know, there's fucking robo movies. When did they charge themselves or are they just all no they do they do this number of sci-fi films

where they start charging themselves because I was going to say I was like that's their weakness and then I remember that I sleep oh that's another thing

I was like that's when they'll get them oh no that's when they'll get me and also just instinctively I'll plug their men at the same time

it's just a you know when we were I think we've talked about on the podcast before like if you could have a pill instead of eating food would you 100%

would you sometimes have the pill a lot of the time you'd have the pill unless you are eating for entertainment I think that's what the conclusion would come to but if you could

accelerate your sleep by plugging yourself into a pod for 5 minutes so you just go into like a thing and you just wake up and you're like a bit groggy and you've got a drooth and you just go into like a thing and you just wake up and you're like a bit groggy

and you've got a druth and you just like feel like you do in the morning what do you do but five whoa whoa

what was that about nothing umbrella you can't say I've got a druth no something just came out can we go

if the druth fits we just had a thing where like I'm going to actually explain the joke again but basically Daniel went to the medical tent in Rockness because he had a You had a what? Dry mouth

He went to the medical tent in Rockness because he had a drool And he just tried to suggest I had a dry mouth then So you wake up in the morning Feeling like a dream You wake up in the morning. Feeling like a turkey. You wake up in the morning.

But you've only been asleep for five minutes. So you go to bed at 11 and you get up and it's 11.05. Why would you go to bed? Because you're using a sleep accelerator. The way I would do it. You're changing your pyjamas and everything just for those five minutes. I brush your teeth. Brush your teeth.

Five minute break between the two of them. They go, it's actually supposed to be eggs now, isn't it? I go, you've only been asleep five minutes brush your teeth brush your teeth five minute break between the two of them and they go it's close to legs now isn't it and I go when are you going to sleep five minutes you wake up and be like oh I can't wait to have that leftover pizza

still warm I hadn't even finished reading that book and she'd finished sleeping she woke up and had me through I would jam it

you know that what was the old show that we fucking can't kid who that watched that froze down for me a lot of it I was like

the two things I would use it for is for I would stamp on it the minute I got it why I would be a proper pervert

what would you do with that so Bernard's Watch was a TV show where basically this kid had a fucking watch and if you press the button there it froze time

and so when you're a kid you're watching all the things you freeze time for so it's like and so when you're a kid you're watching like all the things you freeze time for so it's like well I'll bang your fuck up Bernard always did it Bernard always did it

from different views different views yeah but mine was I was like generally I was like what I would use it for is I would love to

like just any time right now I'd be like you know I'm quite tired do that YouTube frozen you in place I go through there

I have a couple of wanks right fall fucking asleep have eight hours sleep come back right fall fucking asleep have air asleep come back through fully fucking refreshed and then and then you'd lose the thread

and you'd be sat there a little bit discombobulated alright but you think I was high because I was just cooking that's a good point I'm really childish

about when the clocks go back I love that thing of like I'm trying to arrange it so I'm doing a definite thing when it turns like one or two o'clock so it's still going to be

one o'clock so I'll be leaving the comedy store in London which I did last time at one in the morning and get home at one in the morning definite thing when it turns like 2 o'clock so it's still going to be 1 o'clock so I'll be leaving the Comedy Store in London which we did last time at 1 in the morning and get home at 1 in the morning

and I feel like whatever you do at that time if you go into the kitchen you can clean the kitchen and you can feel like that didn't really happen it's the closest

to time travel you can get it's nature's burners it's still the same moment it's nature's burners yes it is I've never considered that and I'm now definitely going to do that oh it's definitely worth burners yes it is yeah I've never considered that and I'm now

definitely going to do that oh it's definitely worth it you plan your hours actually that isn't really happening

it doesn't happen you've been given an hour that's how I see it it's a gift it's a gift from an hour

and it really matters to me as well because it's around I lose an hour on my birthday normally right

so because I'm on the 25th of March so at the end of March is when they take an hour from us which normally because I'm 25th of March so at the end of March is when they take an hour from us which is shit as fuck right because someone in October gets my birthday hour right

you should turn up to all the parties you should turn up just get an hour of my birthday you go to the edge and be like no no no no it's still mine I remember I know what you've done again

I've probably lost the whole day of birthday of my life but you get there you've lost two days of birthdays no because it'll be

once every few years I don't know what it is once every few years it'll fall on 20 bits it's always the end of March and then it's somewhere you've lost so you're actually 54

no no no no no we're talking about a day mate not a day not a year oh yeah sorry that'll be the cookie yeah you post time

when you're fucked off and come back I went to a fucking study that's talking about Bernard's watch this is one thing that he did that pissed me right off, right? He was queuing

and he was running late and he's in the queue and he's looking at his watch and he went, ah, fuck it. He stopped time and he took the money out and he put it in the till

and he took the change out and he walked away with the thing he was waiting to buy. And I was just like, oh, you motherfucker. That lady's till's off. That till is fucking out of whack. She's going to cash up

she's going to be up she's not going to know where the money's come from the stock tech's you've just fucked up my till what a cunt

also she sits have a go that's what I was getting at with the pervert thing like I didn't think I'd be able to like just help yourself

just whacking through the lady's changes I didn't think I'd be able to like, just help this all just whine until the ladies change us. I don't want that power. Yeah, I don't trust my own morality. Because I've got a lot of ethics when women know what I'm doing. If you were told, you told you it was a stock time

and no one anywhere can see it, whatever you get up to, would you trust it? I don't know. I'm genuinely, my moral compass is, like as much as you said that i truly believe that my moral company as much as i said then you go and obviously you could do this and you could do that it would still feel a lot there's been times in my life where i'm like i'm going to do this thing that i was wrong and the second i start doing i think i'm like no no i actually i'm going to add

into it when time starts again they don't remember anything no no no no no no no no no no no, no, I actually... I'm going to add into it that when time starts again, they don't remember anything. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no did. You were going to patio 100. Yeah, yeah. It passed my turn. That's the thing. In the same way that I can get... I wouldn't even hypothetically behave badly. Oh, I'd behave badly with stuff that I found fun. Like, man, I would fucking... I'd steal from fucking banks. Right.

I'd steal from banks and I'd fucking... I'd fucking... If someone was being a cunt to like a waiter or a waitress in a bar, I'd freeze time and just fucking nail them in the fucking... I'd get a click, fart in his face. Yeah, click, yeah. If someone's been horrible to a waiter that I can see, I'd pause fucking time, I'd go on the table, in a bar and freeze time and just fucking nail him in the fucking bed and they get a click fart in his face yeah click if someone's been

horrible to a waiter that I can see I pause fucking time I go on the table and I just fucking whack them whack the waiter again

whack them something but whack the guy and then I freeze time because to me I'm like in my moral compass I'm like

that's that's I can just swear that but that's where my moral compass comes in I would smash the watch

I would find a child a little child and I'd have to wait this is good this is good I'd stand him away from the guy

and then whilst time is stopped lift their fist up right so towards the guy's face and then start climbing again and keep stopping

and starting time moving the kid further forward and at the last moment I'm going to punch him in the face so you're going to stop motion

animate a child yes and the kid by the way the kid is trodden further forward at the last moment I'm going to punch him in the face so you're going to stop motion you're going to stop motion animate a child yes and the kid by the way the kid is traumatised because the kid's just like

I realise there's that downside but from the guy's point of view this little child has come suddenly really fast and it's a really hard punch and he's on the floor

the video looks like a CCTV time lapse even though it's HD oh by the way that's the power the kid is not traumatised he feels cool as fuck the only noise

was he lifted his fist and suddenly went whoosh I never realised that if you have Burner's watch the world is your Wallace and Gromit yeah

you can just be like you can make people do things now that's where my morality goes because I know I would never in real life like I would never

in real life like if a girl was in front of me just pull down her bra and look at her tits so therefore I also wouldn't do it if I could freestyle

just because I know I can get away with it doesn't change me that being said making people do awkward things man one of the first things I would do

right fucking I would make the Pope drop a baby wait a minute but then wait a minute catch it last minute One of the first things I would do, right? Fucking, I would make the Pope drop a baby. But then catch it last minute. I was calling him, I was going, we're going to punch someone. But catch it with his foot in the same way that you try to catch a phone when you drop it,

just fucking stick his foot out. And accidentally punt it. I'd have it drop out of his skirt. That's what you do all the boys in the pop-up bill you freeze time right and you put a baby

just under his skirt and then there's this horrible realisation where he's like like I know I didn't do this but I can't be seen with this

like this is the end of Christianity if I can if you can end Christianity with one misplaced baby one misplaced all it takes

is him being unless unless the only cover he's got is he brings it it'd be like it's a miracle you heard of

the Virgin Mary now it's the Virgin whatever the Pope's fucking name is Steve Rubin Steve Pope Steve I'd definitely

turn people around so they walk back into the lift they just came out of I would do that one I would I'd eat people's food whatever walk back into the lift they just came out of. I would do that one. I'd eat people's food at restaurants. I think I'd be eating really fast. I think the only thing I'd never do sexually,

it's like if I knew my friends were buying it, it's freeze time. And I'd just like move them off each other, but to opposite sides of the bed. So just when they come back in, you just imagine you're like amidst the throes of passion. It's a book. I think you just bump on the bed. And then as a woman, you just imagine you're like amidst the throes of passion. It's a book. You just, I think you just

bump on the bed and then as a woman you're getting railed and then suddenly the creature's on your back. Like, eh? I must have fell asleep. What a lovely dream.

Camus read me book. He must be in the bed with Daniel. Oh, well. Oh, well, that's never going to happen, is it? No. Chance will be a fine thing. Should we call it? Katie, do you have anything to plug?

Yes. What do you think of that? Are you impressed? I'll plug it for you. Okay, Kerry is doing a show called Grumpy Pom. Yes. You couldn't call it called Grumpy Pom. Yes. You couldn't call it Grumpy Cunt. They wouldn't let you.

Well, they wouldn't let you. Because the rules. No, no, no. The rules. The rules. I've been assisted. It's called Grumpy Pom and it's...

It's my show. It's a brilliant show as well. I saw it in Adelaide. It's fucking awesome. It's a bit funny. It's about embarrassing incidents in life. Is it a solo show? Yeah, a solo show, yeah. It brings Parsnip back. I do, Jamie. It's a bit funny It's about Embarrassing incidents in life And is it just

Is it solo show? Yeah it's solo show Yeah You bring the parson up back I do Jamie I will say I do think you're one of the Fucking best comedians

So to everyone I do I really really do He's talking to me Kerry Let me have this moment Hey I'm sorry I'm sorry about the fans

It's my Sometimes they get unruly It's my fans So it turns out All his fans are my fans as well Yeah My father's my friend I'm doing that also

if you're on Instagram oh six o'clock five o'clock on a Sunday six o'clock where? at the Carlton Club which is round the corner from here

guys you've got the internet you're listening to this podcast so you must have the internet if you yeah go to Melbourne International Comedy Festival website

type in Carey Marks or Grumpy Pom and Marks is spelled M-A-R-X just find out where we are right now and I'm telling you it's close to here

where we are right now Collins come out go right right left oh from that one system

where someone went he asked for directions somewhere he went go down there and then turn left when there's people that was in that was in

yeah in Tasmania Tasmania's such a small town we can give you directions using people as landmarks and when you if you hit Steve you've gone too far he's a lovely book

he did nothing wrong what time is it it's nine o'clock he should be walking his dog now did I tell you that we did one of the gigs in some little town

somewhere and the compere asked what do you do for a living it was Lindsay asked the guy what he did for a living he said he was a dairy farmer and he got an applause

similar to I've never seen this before either like a veteran in America yeah like an American vet or you know an NHS worker or whatever the audience

was like wow yeah well milk that cow well I guess you could say it was milk audience was like wow yeah well no recall wow so I guess you could say he was milking it that's what he does he can't help himself

so anyway that was the thing that was the thing 6pm at the thing is it 5 or 6? 5 on a Sunday 5 on a Sunday

6 during the week come theme of the day and a thoroughly thoroughly thoroughly fun filly thoroughly thoroughly thoroughly thoroughly thoroughly

lots of lifting it is there no could be Daniel when are you on I want at

9 p.m. at the forum all right in Melbourne yeah and then me and Kerry

are both doing a show alongside Ian Coppinger and Jeff boys and Dan Wallace called best

in British and also tomorrow Kai and I are both doing a show alongside Ian Coppinger and Jeff Boyes and Dan Willis called Best of British. And also tomorrow, Kai and I are going to be flying. So I started a little series of... I've learned to do those picture animation. Yeah, yeah. Where you animate bits of it. So I'm stringing a few of them together. So I started a series where I discover a friend's superpowers.

Their secret super abilities and then we go flying together. Fuck off. Yeah, man. Did you see the one with Ali Askins? It's very nice. I did not.

So go on Kerry's Instagram, Kerry Mars. No, you're not watching it right now because you... No, I won't, but I'm still going to follow you. That was to Danny, but it was also to them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I'm also still generally going to. And it's just... It's a bit of fun as we can be occupied going round Australia, but I'll be taking a few friends

super flying with me and it's fun because it actually is quite relaxing watching yourself super flying you know yeah well

while I was knitting you were playing on the app weren't you what's the app called again Werble Werble

so he's been Werble in photos and making videos of them yeah for Google it's a Google oh people in Sydney

my next solo shows are in Sydney there you are also Canberra I've got extra shows on you're not sold out so go and do that also America

there is I don't know how much I can tell you but there is a lot of tour dates at least two coming your way my visa is in the

final stages right now yeah so in July and I mean a lot we're going to at least 14 different cities and I'm talking lot we're going to at least 14 different cities and I'm talking red and blue

east and west coast gonna hit you fucking all up yeah yeah and do these things because you can and because you want to

and because you're free to make your own decisions and not because everyone has told you to do anything exactly and now Katie for that

is in Muggle Corner oh man there's so in Muggle Corner. Oh man, there's so many Muggle Corners in the gym. There's like a really fucking good gym but it's

just all the quotes. But it's all like weaknesses, pain leaving the body. Was it pain as weakness leaving the body? No, the pain as weakness

leaving the body. Yeah, I've had a cookie. Yeah, pain as weakness leaving the body which is really good motivation.

Which was coined by your father when she was giving birth to you by the way. I like that one. Speaking of your mother, let's move on to your friends. leave my mother alone,

would you? Why do people, do people read these? How do they react to it? They go, pain is weakness leaving the body. They go,

oh, that's, oh no, man. Does it actually affect their psychology? Yes. A hundred percent.

Really? Oh, man, people like that. Because all I feel is annoyed with whoever wrote it. It works. Man,

people get inspired by memes. You know, some people say that Because all I feel Is an annoyance With whoever wrote it It works Man people get Inspired by memes You know I heard people say That meme Whilst I heard him Some people are so Inspired by Love laugh live

That they actually Have it in the house Tattooed on their body Like they go Yeah Like that is my mantra Isn't it weird When people stick to it

My sister Who's probably A bit of a muggle In herself In a lovely way But she's She named her dog Deefa. Deefa?

Deefa Dog. Oh, that's ugly. It is, it is, because it's an old joke and none of us, you wouldn't name,

you know how funny it is, you wouldn't name a thing after, like, it's so that people, people have to go out and shout Deefa Dog down the street when a dog's missing, but that's,

Deefa Dog. If it's an old gag right then it's muggly there to like perpetuate and keep it going and claim it as your own and that stuff

the original gag is wonderful no she never claimed her own but that's like getting a tattoo of something that's not your own idea right

I promise you when I get my first dog it's going to be called D for I love that joke so fucking much Kayleigh your dad named all of his toes after the seven dwarfs When I get my first dog, it's going to be called D for it. I love that joke so fucking much. Caley, your dad named all of his toes after the seven dwarfs.

Except the one that was sleepy, oddly enough. You know, the other one's sleepy. Kerry, your dad calls himself, and anyone else who's had sex with your mum, the power jami. Your dad had a fireman stay with him, so he brought in a pole so that the guy could get downstairs. Accommodating, Kev.

Kai, your dad put sniffer dog on his CV because he can tell who farted just by the smell. It's always him. Daniel, your dad salatapes his face all wonky when he goes out drinking

because he's a trendsetter and matches his ID car your dad drives backwards because he thinks his car

is the wrong way round Katie your dad applies lip balm with his heel tell that people Daniel your dad always checks under the bed

for monsters but when he was a kid he was in the top bunk and that's why he's terrified of young O'Brien Kai your dad painted half his garden blue

so that he thinks his kite's flying I can't believe you had the cookie after you wrote that Katie your dad applied to be on the new season of

Queer Eye and they replied no fixing you faggot. Kerry, your dad washes your dog by tying its leash to the back of his jet ski. That would

work, wouldn't it? That's pretty efficient. That's why he does it's not efficient oh fuck off fishing for compliments maybe next dog your dad keeps getting a black eye

from trying to find out what's in a glory hole keeps getting one he never learns He's like one day There must be something in there Must have blinking Kai your dad likes his farts with a flashlight

He thinks that's what it means I still can't see it Your dad still has his umbilical cord attached Is he still being fooled around by his mum? Don't laugh, Manny That's why you go into kites He should be dead for 20 years That's how he got into kites in the first place He's like a dog in a lead

That's how he got into kites He's like a dog in a lead. That's how he got in the case. Like a dog in a lead. He got up. He got up and he gave us a kite. Your dad tried to spend his Monopoly money after he was running a big party because he'd become a millionaire.

Katie, your dad's life motto is there's no I in team except after C. Kerry, your dad hasn't stopped grinning since he got his lips removed. Why did he get his lips removed? I don't know, but he looks ch chuffed he doesn't even question it because he's so happy about it your dad genuinely can't tell

between a phone and a Mars bar that's why he thought we were shoving a Mars bar up his arse Kai your dad milks cows with his eyes he said that so seductively you've got to raise your eyebrows just like your dad when he put his milk in a cow

Danny your dad got up on karaoke and performed Chantarama audiobook this one's difficult to say you wrote it yeah but I don't know what I wrote

there really well it's basically that your dad is still dressed as Father Christmas because you caught him once and thought he

was his dad and he denied it and now he's kept that going for the whole of his life and he's even

moved to the North Pole and he tries to deliver loads of presents every year. Just keep convincing you that he's not really your dad. Now there actually is a Santa. He's actually committed to it so hard. Santa actually comes there every time.

He doesn't want you to think of him as a liar. That's a good origin story for Santa. Just a dad that took it too far. Kai, your dad got a great deal out of the car dealership they said they won't press charges

if he promises not to come back uh Danny your dad was gutted when the 118 adverts came out because he

that's how he already dressed and the adverts made it look like he was copying I'm out done do it Katie Katie your dad's first words and the adverts made it look like he was copying. I'm out. Katie, your dad's first words should have been his last.

Katie, your dad can only spell in baby letters. Like, my name's dad. Duh, ah, duh. How come when I just stopped, now you're both doing my dad's? Yeah. We should be turning on each other now. Tell him, tell him. Katie, your dad flirted his way out of a ticket to Disneyland that he'd already paid for.

He's so bad at flirting. No wonder your mum hits him. Kerry, your dad got a big laugh around the poolside in Malaga by dramatically wrestling a lay low like it was an alligator, but he kept on doing it well after the laughs died down and everyone got bored and left. All right, Kai. Your dad thinks the world is flat

because otherwise how comes when you fall over you fall flat as his argument and he also argues how come you come round and he also argues if everyone

the world fell over and they'd all fall flat then that would be impossible unless the world was flat yeah and I would roll over yeah that would definitely

kick it towards the end you come round you come round it's just because you fall over you fall flat you come round

that was nostalgic a little bit of diff plus one at the end for one minute that way I'm not sure if I should stop this

bye guys and girls and Sandy with a piss bye