Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 3.25 Fizzy Minestrone

Episode Date: April 1, 2019

A classic muggins and cream talking utter nonsense pod. They picked up some science questions from an email and tried to answer them intelligently.

Sloss and Humphrey's on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

Go on then. Hello everybody, it's me, Daniel Sloss, or your friendly neighbourhood cream. Hey, it's me, Muggins, and I promised to eat the sush, the whole sush, and nothing but the sush. Oh, that's actually, that might be the worst one we've done.

I always feel like the first ten minutes of this podcast is like the you know it's the training ground to be a real fucking listener like it really it really weeds out the fucking week right up top

you're thinking what is this however you said sushi today which I forbade myself from saying because I was like sushi's in short for sushi yeah like Sushi's short for sushi. Yeah.

Because I went Not short for sushi. I've said to you, I'm going to get some sushi. Do you want some? And he just looked at me. He knew what I meant, but he just looked at me. He's like, what the fuck was that you just said? And I was just like, darling, I can only apologise.

I was just trying it on. I thought I'd take it for a spin. I'll never use it again. Well, I mean, it stuck in my head, and you know what? I don't have time to say two syllables. I'm a busy man. Yeah, so you'll put some Sush. I remember it was fucking ages ago as well, wasn't it?

It was back in, it was our previews in Creef. Yeah. Yeah, Scottish Sush. Aye. Oh no, Inland Sush. in land Sush what's the worst abbreviations like that like totes of mosh

totes is always one of the fucking that could be muggle corner couldn't it or totes what about dev what about deviled deviled

because you're not if you're using the word deviled you're not deviled are you you're not like oh your mam's dead oh deviled

it seems like it seems like you're not like oh your mum's dead oh deviled it seems like it's dismissive you know how Aussies just fucking change everything to all I'm not a fan of that they all sound

like children but the thing is everyone does it they'll be like yeah I'm just going to go to the fucking servo and it's like sir you're wearing

a suit you're going to watch me doggo I'm going to walk me doggo? I'm going to watch me doggo down the park, eh? Like, you are the prime minister. Use real words. Like, just lead the charge. Some of them are fine.

It suits some people. You're not fucking fuck off, though. Calling chickens chooks, not a fan. Ah, not a big fan of that. I fucking hate that terminology. So for the people who don't know Aussies oh why'd the chook cross the road

got a couple of little chooks just call that a chicken you cunt run around like a chook without a head someone actually said that at

Barry Cassano and he lost his mind too many chooks all the time he's running around too many chooks he was he was it would just be a wet chicken wouldn't it hot wet chicken he's running around doing many jokes he would he would

it would just be a wet chicken wouldn't it hot wet chicken that was my nickname in high school I take a hot wet chicken really late it's been seven weeks

that was my nickname in high school why fucking hell what have you been for the past 30 seconds have you been since 9-11

right so we've been smoking vaporizer we're not edible high this time are you fucking snitch whoa I'll delete that

I'm going to start again now do you reckon you ever could I mean I'm not a temp or anything but do you reckon if you if somebody else not to take fate or anything but do you reckon if somebody else

listened to this and fucking snitched the police would do anything because we could just be like no no we're playing characters

like that'd be a good thing yeah obviously Kai Humphries doesn't smoke weed but Morgan Stundertown

Queen of the Earth oh no now I've got to come up with one are you thinking of one oh no I'll fill in this

dead air is that is the only one that do like that do they turn like lamb into fucking loop or something do they do like

beef beef sounds beef sounds like it's an already Australian abbreviation of like like a biffin or something beef is beef sounds like it's an already Australian abbreviation of like like a biffin or something fuck off Jesus Christ he fucking

stabbed her in the room they've all gone now this is literally just you and me now nobody else is finally This is literally just you and me now. Oh, nobody else is listening. Finally. She's giving me a baby. Oh, this podcast is going to be a fucking show. It's the fucking pits, isn't it?

You brought us down here. And then you know what, right? Like, we'd never do this for a week. People are like, oh, yeah, what's the podcast? The fucking state of them. Now that they're gone, should we really just talk about how thick these

cunts are? I thought you were going to say she would open game. She would just drop an absolute banger. I don't know, you got one? You've been off all day what have you been doing right let's start

we'll start that's always a good starting point time with what we've been doing we did an escape room oh yeah we did an escape room I fucking love escape rooms we couldn't get out

we're still in there this is actually a cry for help you know what we should have asked at the start before we made everyone leave because

because we should have really opened that because anyone that was going to help is definitely gone now it's like

help help now you've got everyone's attention and you just slowly lose the crowd before going oh I'm stuck

I need I genuinely need help okay so just really glad you guys all turned up I got a little bit of anxiety

so this is actually quite brave of me so just give me a moment no no where you going no no please please please please I love that you bored them off

with talk of your mental health do you recognise ever having like an emergency fucking services and stuff people who answer

the phone like they've just fucking gotten bored like your house is on fire yeah somebody rings because like their fucking

eye their granny's stuck upstairs and the stair lift isn't working and the fucking flames are downstairs so there's like a finite amount of time

I fought this through the finite amount of time left before granny dies but they just ring up and just get carried away with a small talk just describing the carpet and stuff

she's at the top and the reason why and I'll tell you the reason I told her she didn't pay her bill last week like she didn't

we couldn't cut off the electricity now where is she I'll tell you where reason I told her she didn't pay her bill last week like she didn't that we could have cut off the electricity now where is she I'll tell you where she is top of the fucking stairs just like I said if she paid the electricity bill I wouldn't have been fucking

I wouldn't have set this fire by trying to boil the kettle on the hob so whose fault is it really anyway so we did the escape room the first we did it really fucking hungover yeah

mostly like there it's interesting what they do in the hangover because it kind of like it forces you to think. Sometimes, I do remember the time where, you would consider your wife quite an intelligent woman, would you not? Yes. I would be inclined to agree with you. When we did the escape room up in fucking Edinburgh, was it two years ago? Yeah.

With Rick is that zombie one? Yeah. There was one where it was just, you had to do a bunch of fucking math. It was like working out birthdays from like ages of people in the world when they died and stuff, which is really fucking simple math, but it's a lot of fucking long numbers and it's like a little bit of algebra in there too. And me and Natalie were like, we're the only ones that trust enough to do this well, but we're just so goddamn fucking hungover that's just like you know when the computer

fucking face old-school windows yeah just drag the fucking box or in the screen and just color in the background cuz it's fucking like it's for my fucking brain was I said come on respond control control I'll delete control obviously looking at that she's, absolute fucking same. But I think there was one bit where we just, like, it was so fucking easy. Why? She was like, we don't know what to do with this. It was the one time we called on the radio because we were stuck for like 10 minutes.

And you don't know what to do with this. And then she was just like, hey, try opening that drawer. And it was just a drawer that hadn't opened. Honestly, I'd had fucking everything upside down. There's a light in there just to fucking make light. I'd had all the nuts and bolts of it. I'd fucking laid it across the floor, the bulwark. I literally took everything apart.

I took my laces out of my shoes. I was checking myself for clues. I was trying to lay my tattoos up against fucking shit. Is that why you put your finger on my arm? Or was that you trying to repopulate? It was my finger. It was just a little fucking winding gauge that I'd found. I was trying to was that you were trying to repopulate that was my finger it was just a little fucking winding gauge that I had found I was trying to

wind you up well it worked I'm pissed off oh that's a funny thing I noticed the other day you know who is it

what country is it that says winching instead of kissing oh he's a winch oh Scotland is it Scotland that says winch I don't know if it was like Ireland or Wales or something,

is it Scotland? Oh yeah. Winching means kissing. Because in my old job as a lifeguard, if disabled people come in I had to use the hoist to lower disabled people into the pool and if I said to someone from Scotland I used to winch disabled people in the pool. And I got paid it helps them swim it's actually really good

it's the only way to get them wet what other fucking what is it cinnamon synonyms synonyms are synonyms for word

I'll tell you a good one I heard yesterday a fucking Australian lingo for having a wank which is going for a maz a maz

a maz I just yeah it's going for a wank they've shortened that masturbation to maz a mazo not a mazo

give me some mazo oh fuck I'm gonna cum I'm gonna fucking cum oh I'm gonna squirt oh god I know my one impression that's what it is we're having a nice time I'm going to come. I'm going to fucking come. I'm going to squirt. Oh, God. I know.

My word brush. I'm having a nice time. I'm going to come. I'm going to fucking come. That's what every single Australian sounds like when you have sex. Oh, me tits. Oh, not at me arsehole. Fuck it, go on then. Why?

Not at me arsehole. I'm having a nice time that's your shady one isn't it it's my nasal impression of the because it's like the bogan

no no it's what they all sound like I've spoke about this on stage I don't want to fuck a podcast audience but this

is a genuine thing is that bogans are like meant to be the equivalent of the chav, but they're not. They're nature's chavs. Chavs and neds are intimidating

because they wear big jackets. You don't know if they're concealing a weapon. You don't know if they're bigger, more buff. You don't know who you're dealing with. But with bogans, they wear singlets and thongs. Thongs being flip-flops. I started using lingo

dingo lingo that's what I should call you Aussie accent dingo lingo but yeah like I can't be intimidated by anybody if I can see their ankles

just a rule of thumb so wait wait wait so MMA fighters if you're in a cage I probably still so wait wait wait so MMA fighters if you're in a cage I thought you still wouldn't be intimidated I know do you ever see that in MMA

where they stamp on their feet like do you know it's not against the rules and it sometimes happens but when it does happen you're like whoa it's not in the rule book

but different thing that you cock I mean you just stamp on the foot I don't want to be somewhere with a foot stamping on it just give's a proper I mean just stamped onto the camera man I don't want to be something with a foot stamped on it

just give me a hacky look in the middle of the fight the fuck the fuck you doing it's a proper cast me wee feet you did it pretty well

don't aye ya fucking smart that oh man that fucking knacks man that's strong

oh and me pinky and well that's broken it's really kind of just made me think I'd just punch

him in the face hard I can stab him in his toe he's like you cock fucking take it off on him bastard

we did look up other roles that you weren't allowed to do in the UFC Yeah So you're not allowed to You're not allowed to do What's the thing called Oil check

Oil check They've actually had to stop You can't put your finger Over your opponent's bum Right Which they Fucking PC got mad at me I've been like

Actually fucking protesting For them to put it back in Since they put it in the ladies division Too many rules since I put in the ladies division. Too many rules? This is a fucking nanny state. Back to Britain. And now I'm in Vegas.

One of the rules was that you cannot throw your opponent out of the cage. If you throw your opponent out of the cage, you lose. By the way, if that does happen, you be the one to tell them. Because I'm not dead. Imagine you took your opponent out of the cage, right? The opponent had to come back in from the cage door right to get his arm raised and the winner

is the guy in row 7 you don't like to bite you don't like to kiss oh no you don't like

to kiss there's no rules there's no rules against kissing yeah I'll fucking score the rule book now that we're kissing yeah you can kiss

them all you want nah I'd put them off erm tickling there's nothing about tickling oh I guess you can

tickle aye you can probably just go in there get them like get the underhooks kiss the back of their neck and tickle them they'll be slapping you

to get you off and then it looks like they're tapped hey man I do think that would work like some of them have look I don't know if I can besmirch this UFC but some of them are going to be homophobic

you can't be you can't be in that sport and Brazilian and have liberal views of homosexuals like you can't love God that much and not quote one particular part of the Bible

they're definitely wrong and they're all monsters not all of them disclaimer right cool yeah but you're saying

there was like there was no rules against kissing or no rules against tickling and stuff but like do you not think

some of them are just implied rules do you think they have to put everything because it doesn't say like you can't pull the trousers down no probably does

do you think it does aye so do you think they have actually got rules aye of course they do because otherwise you're just able to do everything else

because it's like Kerry Marks' routine have you ever seen the one about no smoking on this flight he's like I know man it's been fucking 20 years like you don't have to put every obvious rule

like no taking cocaine on the Isles flight and I'm putting his material online and butchering it but that's the gist of it I'm surely very happy when he gets here I'll just start whistling

nothing left no no no no oh by the way fucking Daniel done your material on the podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that's going to be something that's going to be really hard for me to prove, Katie. I put on a jolly accent and all that and then in his voice went, what are you doing? What else did we do? I claimed the Empire State Building. No, you didn't.

Yes, I did. No, you didn't. Well, I went on the Stairmaster and I clicked on the Empire State Building No you didn't Yes I did No you didn't Well I went on the Stairmaster Yep And I clicked on the Empire State Building And I claimed the amount of steps it would take To get to the Empire State Building Does that

Meteors popped halfway up Must be someone talking about you see kind of thinks he's got a their person in a building I'm pretty tired when I take a flight I go diving so yeah

it's fucking hard by the way because I was like wait are we doing trapeze it oh yeah it's a trapeze season because I was like I was on my wait are we doing trapeze in oh yeah it's a trapeze in season

do you not know for fuck's sake yeah so Joe who runs the bar at the X-Fed where I'm doing my gig is like does trapeze

as a hobby alright and she's going to a class on Wednesday is trapeze the one that fucking Robin's parents died on who's

you know from Batman Robin little Jason Todd oh were they like Cirque du Soleil Trapeze and then they were they fell

because that's why he's so good at acrobatics and stuff because he was part of it I'm so sorry all the nurses it's Dick Grayson

not Jason Todd how can you die with Dane Trapeze because Trapeze is easy peasy fuck him no the Trapeze must have been greasy come on Fuck him The trapeze must have been greasy I'm gonna

I'm gonna cancel the podcast For the foreseeable future Until you apologise Well off the record I've just apologised off the record. Right, have we started the podcast again? Just to my side. Really honestly, I'm really sorry.

So, yeah, she's got a class at 10 o'clock on Wednesday. I didn't say at the night, but I'll catch that tomorrow. It's a little bit out of town, so we've got to go get a train at about nine. I said Kerry was going to come along and watch and laugh. Is that on Wednesday? Yeah. I won't be able to. Fucking Peggy gets in tomorrow.

Oh, yeah. Are you excited? No, you're busy. Have you got butterflies? What, as a gift? I can't do this for you. They used to be worms. You've just got them all up your sleeves

ready to just put your arms up and butterflies just flee out your cuffs and I'll have you squish them out and just load the dead butterflies and just pour them

down on the floor yeah but I still refuse to shower just come in that dust that weird butterfly dust that they carry around go on ask what butterfly dust?

you know that butterfly has got dusty wings you've never seen a butterfly I have well I always associate them with very vibrant colours and things

see the vibrant colours you don't get vibrant you don't get vibrant fucking dust man otherwise none of us would complain about fucking dust

do you get vibrant dust do you it's called cocaine. Did it have more? It absolutely did not. Vibrant dust. It's a good name. So are you doing the trapeze then since I'm not going to be able to do it?

I'll just come and bring Piggy along. No, we'll be having sex. We'll do it on the trapeze. But are you jumping from one turn are they? No, we'll be having sex. I'll work you out on this piece. But you didn't jump in from one turn, did you?

No, I don't think that's more advanced stuff. I think it's more just like, go wee. She said something about trying to do

a leg hook, so I imagine that's like putting your leg over and then getting your other leg to wrap around it. Sounds like

she's going to choke it out. Yeah. And then, so I think we'll do that. I might go skydiving. Yeah. All right.

You've never done it before, have you? No, I've done skydiving. Yeah, it's really good. I think it's a proper muddly thing to do. I don't know, you know. No? It's pretty fucking amazing. Oh, I don't doubt it's amazing.

I'm just saying. Oh, you know what I think is the greatest trick the devil ever played? Eh. Turning water into cement if you're going fast. Right? Wouldn't it be good? I'm just saying you know what I think is the greatest trick the devil ever played turning water into cement if you're going fast right wouldn't it be good wouldn't it be awesome

if you just jump out of a plane into the sea but you it should be you know how you just jump in water and it's just like

swoosh and you just go and then you swim to the top and then you jump up from higher and it gives you a little bit of a slap

but then if you're going higher higher it just squishes you yeah because it doesn't give away fast enough so what you're like woo and then you swim to the top and then you jump up from higher and it gives you a bit of a slap but then if you're going higher higher it just squishes you yeah because it doesn't it doesn't give away fast enough so what you're saying is you wish it was more just like water like

if it was just like like the way water normally is when you're jumping it regardless of the height well yes I think it's a bastard's trick to make it just go right it kills you from there

what a cunt's trick. Imagine the fun you could have, like, just fucking free-falling. And then you're just, like, at the bottom. It would make diving in the Olympics far more interesting. But, like, people literally going for, like, their thousandth turn. I can't believe they turned Watt out into brick. Like, the fucking programming of the Matrix is fucking some bullshit going on there, like.

That's, like like they probably saw how much fun people were having in the in the matrix and they just went we've got to make it so they kind of jump from as high

and turn the what I want to brick at a certain point put the algorithm in quick let the thing do for themselves somebody had to

find out but surely there would be a point surely there would be a point of height that was so high up that if you fell from it and it wasn't,

you'd land in the water, you'd hit the fucking sand at the bottom at some parts. Like, depends what part of the ocean you're landing in. Wow, but the water's so deep, not a chance. Like, if you free fall above the ocean,

oh, but the fucking, just the slim chance of you hitting a bit of, like, debris or a boat. Or a whale. Or, like, an animal or something. You're still in danger. Imagine.

Because there are many people that would be doing it and just taking the risk of jumping in the water from that height. Aye. It would make plane crashes a lot more interesting. Oh, they'd be class. They'd be fucking belter. Imagine a plane crash

you're like we're going down you go into the water and it just slows you right down and then you float up at the top you'd be like

woohoo it would be like yeah it would be fucking great get a wee free submarine tour halfway through

like I should worry enough to get picked up but you know the view under there was nice honestly fucking

I can't believe it turn what I want to break oh but no but surely if it was this this is but it's so flow then I don't know how physics works to answer you well let's say it's cuz you compacted isn't it is it cuz you compact because you hit it so hard like it doesn't displace it compacts it's okay compound so do you I think it's like the it's big you I think it's what the fuck are you talking about like the

it's like the atoms it squishes them out together rather than displacing them so you you whack off it

we're going into territory that I don't care enough to talk about yeah this is like the dad podcast that we need to do oh yeah I've got

something in my pocket oh dear I hope I can find it real quick. Also, I want to put a thank you out there to Heather, who had come to my gig at Best of British, and she made us homemade tags for our knitting, which are embroidered, made by Muggins and made by Cream.

What was her name? Heather. Thanks, bitch. And she's either come into your gig or she's been to your gig, and she was going to give them to you as well, but she didn't know because you've got such a big crowd

she probably couldn't meet them speaking of which thanks to Rory for also dropping us off a bunch of wool and lovely gin

which we've already fucking finished yes thanks mate because we are alcoholics right so I was I was flicking

through the emails you know how we've got the Muggins and Cream email account? Oh, aye Oh, yeah Which is basically Do you know how I stopped reading through that? Why? Because this lass is trying to fuck you

Is it? This one's just for Cream Like, what are you doing in the need? How many? Just a handful We'll have a process through after We'll not mug them up

on the podcast no no no no as individuals we'll not mug them up we'll mug the concept

of them up yeah but yeah because I was scrolling through every now and again looking for relationship advice

stuff and all that and did you find any no there was one that was amazing there was one that I'm struggling to find right now

because I'm going to pause it because I need to get the yeah I'm going to pause this and find it

but it's basically someone sent an email with like a bunch of questions to ask your dad oh cool definitely and we could try

and answer them without any of your dad's knowledge and then get my dad on it as a clarification. To get the answers, right.

Be right back, we're just going to get the questions. All right, so I found the email. It's from Katie Frost. Thank you for emailing Katie Frost. Even though you emailed in November, I just read it last week and we're getting to it now.

So these are questions that were supposed to be asking your dad but I'm going to ask you them and I'll try and help you answer them question one, is water wet? no water makes things wet I think wet is the description

of what happens when water touches it I think that's what the question is designed to do isn't it, make that kind of paradox of like a... But like... But is water itself wet? I don't know, I'm sick of it. No, it has to be, right?

Like, it can't be anything but wet. I don't even think it is a trick question. It's just saying, yeah, of course water's wet. I think we're just overthinking it to the point of like, oh, how deep? No pun intended. But water's just wet. All right, well, if you disagree.

I'm going to say water isn't wet, and I'm going to say water is wet. Yeah. All right. All right, try dry dishes at the bottom of the ocean. And a submarine. And a submarine and a submarine maybe you could oh

lawyer you got me right two if humans evolved from monkeys what will humans evolve into

like what are what are we heading towards war I think I've oh god how far have you put whoa I'll get it back war I think I've oh my god I have a puff you put

whoa I'll give it back so I've thought about this already I think we're aliens have I read all of this no no no

I think we're the aliens that we picture you know the big head skinny body grey skin tone? Right? I think that's what we're going to evolve in towards.

Humans don't have to be strong anymore. The strong don't survive. So the big bodies are optional now. Like, you don't need to be strong of stature. So that means that women are going to go for men that are probably a bit smarter than stronger because it's better to get on in this world with more brains and less brawn.

So you're probably going to get skinnier, bigger heads. Still on topic. So they're going to be skinny with big heads because the way the world's becoming more integrated, I mean, it's still got a lot of ways to go. But in the future, maybe all the races will mix and they'll just be eventually like a

homogenous colour so it'll be these like you reckon it's grey I reckon that grey is a stretch I reckon like you know like

the coffee colour yeah not all the aliens are grey grey the cartoony ones are but some of them I think they'll be more like

but again we might not get as much sunlight we might be a bit pasty there might also be other changes that evolve

our skin tone so I think we're going to evolve into aliens and we're going to invent time travel and we're going to

go back in time and everyone will just think they've seen an alien not a time traveller so I think all the alien sightings are actually

time traveller sightings coming back in the fucking time travel so we're just going sightings time traveller's going back what coming back on the fucking time trip so what we're just going back in time to check each other's arseholes yeah

and that's why do you know Stephen Hawking was probing the first thing we did he just went let's just go just go back in time oh god

remember when we had arseholes that was so good we gotta check them out so you know Stephen Hawking's had the theory of, like, you can't go back in time, otherwise we would have been visited already. And he did it, like, notoriously through a party that people were meant to be coming back in time to,

to be there, and then nobody did come, and that was his proof. I think that was him just trying to debunk it so no one invented it, because he was the first person to invent it, went back in time, and he just got it a bit wrong. And he just appeared back in time just like

gnarled and then I winched him in the pool well I hope that answers your question yeah so three if we are alone in the universe, or do you think aliens just ignore us?

We're absolutely, there's not a chance we're alone in the universe, it's just statistical. And talking about aliens, not time travellers, maybe they've seen, I think we could be being watched. No, no, no,

bollocks, absolute shade. Okay, okay, you think that's absolute shade? Right, so we've spotted so many Goldilocks planets

now because they're the ones we're looking for we're not looking for planets anymore we're looking for other sources and we're looking

at the ones that are going to have the right size and distance from their Goldilocks planets do you think that they might have

life on them yeah then we're watching them so I believe that somebody has spotted us but I don't know

how close we're not watching them we'll see the planet we're watching them we I believe that somebody has spotted us but I don't know how we're not watching them we'll see the planet we're watching them we can't see what they're doing but we're watching them right

so we've got an awareness of them so I'm saying there's got to be another race somewhere that's got an awareness of us

but there's just no bond of communication there's no detail of it or getting up to do but we're

looking across each other the same way if you look over. There's something over there. The same way if you look over at another apartment block over there, I can't see any people, but I know that there's people in there. If they know that there's people in here...

You mean the two that are masturbating? Oh, no, that's the reflection, dude. I wondered why I was so attracted to one of them I absolutely think there's definitely fucking really it's just a statistical fucking thing

the amount of the amount of stars there are in this fucking galaxy alone multiplied by the just it's statistically

impossible for life not to exist elsewhere I also don't think we'll ever see or... I don't think we'll ever communicate with it in any way, shape or form. I just... Yeah, no, it's never going to happen. You know what?

Like, that's easy to say, right? Because it seems inconceivable, right? I don't think we'll ever communicate with them in any way, shape or form, right? Now, rewind not even 500 years, not even 500 years, you would have said the same thing about being able to communicate

with people in Australia with like instant communication. Like you know how... I'm not saying I've done it in 10 years, which is not possible. I can FaceTime your mum and dad. I'm not. Right?

But what we're saying is that there would have been a flat no to somebody probably 100 years ago. I'm not saying I don't think it's going to be possible. I'm just saying but what I was saying is that there would have been a flat no to somebody probably a hundred years ago I'm not saying I don't think it's going to be possible I'm just saying I don't think we're going

we're going to do it we will they know our lifetime no no I don't think humanity will humans so you don't think we could

we could but we won't where we could possibly be in an extra hundred years or two hundred years I guarantee we'll have all killed each other well before then

nah but fuck man imagine what they must have thought 100 years ago without a guarantee we must have killed each other because they were physically actually dating

across most countries so you're like oh no you're like not only the global worst under damage though like there's a literal time limit now

yeah and also a time limit that's given away an even fucking bigger reason to look up and pool all of our resources towards looking up. I just don't think people will. I've got no faith in the human race.

Yeah? No. I think what's going to happen... It's individuals that have faith, but not as a fucking... I think they're going to fire across the universe the DNA codes of people, and then hopefully someone... We're going to just fucking toss cum shots into space absolutely I

think we're gonna toss cum shots and frozen embryos into space right and just set them off in a direction right and then fucking oh my god

some aliens gonna fucking find them and just like follow the instructions maybe we're maybe we're maybe we're another alien planet superman

like maybe like you're gonna throw the fucking embryo down they're gonna it's gonna land on another planet they're gonna open it up and

that person's gonna be the fucking hero of this place but they're all just small and weak and weird and they've all got three legs for no reason right

but no knees they're just kind of planted and they have the rock from side to side to move they're just walking in their hands they have to rock from side to side to move they're just walking in hands they just come in just like just dancing around in front of them

yeah you know just just you can't do this and obviously because it's a private planet based on dance we win the dance off and become the natural yeah what with these

actually I'm there they say the same bees knees they say Daniel's knees you're dirty dainty dancing so What with these? Actually, they're the same, bee's knees, they're Daniel's knees. You're dainty. Dainty dancing. So,

I've got a theory as well on why we are populating the earth right now. We? You and me? Mm-hmm. And all our brothers and sisters.

Have you heard about the ecosystem of the Galapagos Islands getting fucked up because hundreds of years ago the tulip and boats stayed there for a bit, left, right, but some of the Galapagos Islands getting fucked up because hundreds of years ago the tulip boats stayed there for a bit, left,

right, but some of the rats left the boat and fucked up the whole ecosystem, bred and like fucking caused problems for all the other,

like the whole fucking structure. There's so many different species destroyed because of the rats. So I think maybe if aliens did land on this earth and look around

and go, now we're probably going to just keep moving. Right. But left us, and we were the rats on the Earth boat. In their way of just fucking up the whole ecosystem of the Earth. I would add in that, like, they landed here, and we were just, like, fucking some form of, like, fungi on the bottom of their spaceship.

Like, they just picked up three fucking bits of that, so that's where we evolved from. It wasn't just fucking... We've got apes on the ship again. The land just scrubbed them off. Aye. They even just entered the small little fucking movies being like,

these fucking things are shite. They always try to be... Maybe we're literally... That would explain... Maybe we're... Because we are literally mould on the earth. Like we're the thing. Ah, yeah.

I mean, literally, I mean, absolutely figuratively. Yeah. Especially when you see how it spreads like a city. to think oh yeah I mean literally I mean absolutely figuratively yeah especially when you see how it spreads like a city like every

city is like a mold spore that's just like kind of growing over the food

like I'd love to see a fucking time lapse of us just to go on the earth

or like a YouTube something else YouTube somebody's made it

yeah next question next question is question four why don't the Jedi's in Star Wars just force push their opponent's

lightsaber button and kill them oh my dad will 100% have an answer for this he'll have the answer yeah and it'll be like

nerd shit but they'll be because that's like the theory I think I say the theory I think it started off as a Bobby Mayer joke

and just become like a really common meme type thing isn't like the force pushed like a big fucking isn't it like a big whoosh

fucking like a shockwave as opposed to like a yeah like a fucking light switch off a dexterous thing could you use

I mean you could use the force to turn off like I said she's using the force not just push because Matilda had the force didn't she and she could do shit like that

because hers was like she was fumbling around with stuff lifting it up and then dropping it and knocking glasses out but eventually I think she could

just be like whatever bitch alright appropriate so maybe they're just not as good Jedi's as Matilda so you reckon

Matilda and Star Wars are set in the same universe oh Matilda could absolutely Jedi was just set in the same universe oh Matilda could absolutely set your

lifesaver off or she could but any of the other Jedi's would probably just be a little bit less

dexterous so you're saying in a fight between Jedi's and Matilda Matilda wins well this is

the thing aye but Matilda she discovered her power just in a regular environment she's not in a big intergalactic war and she discovered her power just in a regular environment.

She's not in a big fucking intergalactic war, and she's not getting trained in the arts of the martial arts, use of the Jedi force. But if you put her in a proper fucking child soldier camp... Or maybe she's probably... Because look, Anakin Skywalker and Luke,

when they were fucking... When did they get their fucking PPUs? If she was in that school, you know, the younglings, that fucking Anakin Skywalker get their fucking pew pews if she was in that school you know the younglings that fucking Anakin Skywalker butchered like if she

if Matilda was in that school she'd just be like nah bitch picked the wrong school to name motherfucker that would be Matilda um what was the question

oh the lighting the lighting the press lighting I just think there's only one there's only one Jedi capable of doing it and that's Matilda

that's my answer what's yours I reckon they'll have thought of it like man if they fucking invented lightsabers for people specifically

I reckon in the fucking design they were like hey you know how this is for people that can use the force do you reckon

cunts that they're fighting because we're making a lot of these so I'm going to assume they're going to be fighting each other at some point let's safely assume

that somebody's going to come up with a plan I'm going to turn it off of the force and then as a team workshop that and get past it because how many

fucking lightsabers are out there so do you think there'd be like maybe it's not a button maybe it's a fingerprint it's a fingerprint you can't like

Jedi force your fucking fingerprint on the thing. But then again, people can use each other's lightsabers, so that takes the fingerprint thing away. Maybe it just needs the human touch. Otherwise, you just use the force on women. Terrible joke. Oh, my God. It needs a human touch.

Next question please No I've still got something more Please don't I've still got something more It makes it light and fluffy again Oh to me too Oh it needed something It needed something

You're welcome Yes What I'm going to say Was a Bobby Mayer joke that then got taken and just run around everywhere was the why doesn't

Professor X just use his telekinesis powers to move his legs and make him walk oh so you just make yourself float

and then well that would probably work better because I was saying like the dexterity of using that like you can like fire something across

the room or do something or manipulate something but moving your legs is actually quite intricate so you'd probably be really undignified and flopping around like a thunderbird trying to concentrate on his legs and you're just like ah fuck it I'll just use the seat

the way I'd use it if I was a professor I'd say I was in a wheelchair and some guy made a snarky joke about me being in a wheelchair instead of making myself walk I'd just make them not be able to walk ever again be like and welcome to the club how do you like it huh

sorry I missed that I'm just saying that you could have used this like fucking that was pretty high it's okay you fucking wuss tell us again

I'm just saying if I was press pressurised I would just use it to make the other person fucking fall down or cripple them myself does it show people around I just only if they made fun of me

like most people I reckon would be respectful like you know what Magneto at no point does Magneto ever make like a genuinely vicious joke to fucking Xavier in his fucking chair but if I was walking down the street and a couple of fucking teenagers did they'd be like oh it's not one of your spines see if I give a shit see how you like it I think I'd use my this will teach you some empathy yeah you'd actually like you'd make people

that insulted you just know how it feels alright or maybe or maybe without even doing it maybe just make maybe like in their head

because even you do psychic shit can't you instead of actually doing it to them making them live that experience in their head and then being like

no I didn't actually do it but now you know what that's like. You're just teaching them a real moral lesson. Hi. Use it for good. You're going to have a busy day. When I walk down the street,

my biggest fucking hate is people not checking the lines and the people could move a lot quicker if they could look up and just see the way other people are moving and don't just walk directly into people or into that path. When you're snow snowboarding you can see a scale going that way you're not going to then go exactly for the bit that they're aiming for and then crash into

them because it's higher stakes but even though it's low stakes on the pavement you'd say all right still have the decency to check each other's length yeah i always always want to just put my hand out and just push someone aside when they go to like walk to the exact spot I'm going to or whatever so I would use the force

stuff for that if I just saw someone just like walking along on the phone about to walk into this and I can't

move out to the right because there's someone there with a pram or whatever I just fucking just knock the phone out of

my hand cunt I don't know what I'd use my lightsaber for other than I don't know what I don't know what I'd use my lightsaber for other than just lighting your cigarette

and that just dead cool dead cooler parties use it to read with or just a little torch it would be fucking quality mood lighting actually

it would probably get a bit hot no I don't think it makes the room hot if we just got a lightsaber fizzling away in the corner you'd be a little bit

on edge of wouldn't you every time a dog ran in you'd go fuck who's got a blue lightsaber who's got a blue lightsaber

Luke isn't it no that's green Luke Green because Obi-Wan is blue but that means Obi-Wan's actually a man

and Darth Maul is actually a sex worker Darth Maul is he's got two red legs doesn't he yeah two red legs

that's why Obi-Wan can be his man and Samuel L. Jackson's got a big purple one he does oh I've never read into that before oh gross next question Oh, I've never read into that before. Oh, gross.

Next question. All right, question five. How did the universe form? Big bang. Did something happen from nothing if there was no outside force? How did something happen from nothing if there was no outside force? None of your fucking business. I may go fucking crazy gossip

merchant nosy or just fucking just asking like little nice questions just fluff up a bit and then fucking bang straight in

with the hard stuff I big bang whatever that was I don't know if I bought it but people who responded to me all seemed to agree

on it so I'm like aye that probably yeah or maybe it's just God you know maybe it's God you know maybe it's God just saying you know

maybe he's just saying erm late mad yeah but yeah on the first day God said

let them be late to who aye were they there well he's just made up a word like nobody knows what that is yet

oh shit nobody knows what it is yet oh shit nobody knows what it is yet give them anything wake up alright so fucking yeah probably

the big bang because the only other thing that we've got to go off is like god said let every light

and if it's that or there's big bang theory we'll put like atoms and what not probably gotta gamble that it's not

and anyone anyone that fucking tells you that this is a simulation is a fucking moron I absolutely hate when like oh that it is a simulation

no no no yeah people actually I hate when like philosophical like mind sort of like things exercises

just to like get your like brain thinking and open mind it's like mind stretching you like running the cars I think that's what I am but there's actually

yeah but yeah and they're all interesting fucking mind exercises but none of them are true and that's what you just get the people

that turn to us and they're like no no but that's the thing is you don't know that this is and the people listening right now are like

I've heard that they're saying you don't know it's a simulation I'm like we all do like this just is if the technology was there for you it would be a brain in the vat right and you haven't know it's a simulation I'm like we all do if the technology

was there for you it would be a brain in the vat and you haven't got your Daniel Sluss body but your brain is experienced in having a Daniel Sluss body

I'd have a better life than this I'm miserable it's a pretty good life in God alright but why would I make other people

I don't why would why would other people be sad why would I give myself empathy then like if there's so why would I make other people I don't why would I why would other people be sad yeah like why would I give myself empathy then like if there's so why would someone

if this is a fucking simulation right why do I still feel like that shit maybe some people are just like you're saying like people that have fucked up in their life if this is a simulation if they're in a simulation why are they having such a bad simulation

maybe they're just really poor at the game yeah I don't know so you're very convinced that nah it's just not too much of a circumstantial this is all fucking

real life I can't yeah I'm done with playing that devil's advocate on that one this is definitely this is definitely

not a simulation because then Elon Musk is because then the fucking if you come out of the simulation into the other world

that means the chance would probably be fucking 99% chance that that was also a simulation because if it is possible it's probably happening so that

means it's happening in layers and layers and layers and layers so like so like fuck that little paradox

fuck it right so Big Bang yes I think the Big Bang I don't know how that operates but I'm the most convinced

it happened get over it probably happened again are there an infinite amount of parallel universes based on the decisions which is pretty much

what we just covered in Every Other Person again it's just another one where it's one of those theoretical things where it exists as a fucking principle and an idea and people are like but it could be again it's just another one where it's one of those theoretical things where it exists as a fucking principle

and an idea and people are like but it could be like it's just not like yeah you've put far too much importance on yourself

there's only one of you and that's too many I think that's that's the questions oh well good well that goes to a fucking podcast yeah so

should we give them to your dad at some point and see if you can figure them out? All right, I'll plug my show. Hello, Melbourne. I'm doing my show every day at the Forum at nine and then in the last week at 9.45. And on Sundays, it's... No, just fucking go to the website, you dumb cunts.

Sydney, your second or third show's not sold out yet. Fucking sort that out. Show some goddamn respect. Parth, you're cool. A bunch of American dates are going to be added soon. Still fucking working on them. I know I keep saying this,

but just shut the fuck up. We'll get them. Yeah. The plans look good, don't they? Oh, yeah. The plans look good. We can't announce any dates of places yet.

At the moment it's at least fucking 16 and we're working on the summer like July-ish yeah yeah

but we can't say where yet yes and I don't actually have a visa yet so I can promise that I'm going to be there until that comes through also there's UK

tour dates on my website dinosaurs.com right tour dates on my website dinosaurs.com and also on my website okay www.kyhumphries.com I'll say it

quieter www.kyhumphries.com you can buy my shows I've got How To Be Happy which is on there and I have got

Punch Drunk which is my latest one which is my latest one, which is my favorite one. So download that one if you're going to download any and use the discount code Muggins. Has anyone ever played Full Price Route? Yeah, one or two, but I don't know where they get it from

because I put the discount code on here. And when I hand out the cards on the tour, I put the discount code on there. So it's just a lot. So they're the only real two places. And when I put it on Twitter tour and put the discount code on there so it's just a live so they're the only real two places and when I put on Twitter I put the discount code on there

so what you're saying is it's the actual price it's a con I just wanted people that listen to the podcast to get it for cheaper

but then so give it to everyone else so you've just basically done yourself out of the whole music cast

I should just save them from filling in a column just making that price. Yeah. Just making a fiver. I don't know

if we've had this arbitrary step. Look at the discount you're getting. Saving yourself two puns you might as well get three.

My kids are going to go hungry after this your dad's got two left feet and no parents left your dad got knocked out for a ten count when he was shadow boxing

your dad has a hungry hungry hippo tattoo but all the hippos are your mum automatic doors don't open for your dad. When your dad was handed you after you were born the first thing he said was just like a mama used to make and your mum cited that in the divorce papers. Your dad opened a barber shop and your dad still has a fidget spinner

your dad learned nunchucks to an expert level and then made a pair using dildos and took out the entire dance floor of a gay bar your dad sleeps 18 hours a day and only eats eucalyptus leaves and I had to pose for a photo with him and he's got chlamydia

your dad your dad stuck an alga salsa to the top of your head for your baptism so the priest would think you were dissolving in the holy water your dad doesn't

choose the booth at the restaurant when it's available and that is absolutely shock-informed he just looks around doesn't he when there's nowhere to sit

when there's only the booth oh and he always picks the back beside the fucking kitchen even if I'm sitting just in the regular part of the restaurant like I'm keeping my eye

on the booth even if I'm alone even if I've ordered to the table and it's like a table number I'd rather fucking tell the staff that I've moved tables

going through admin the rig marot what a chow on right your dad runs the bath of the kettle your dad hides in the bushes

whenever he sees a dog then when he comes back he goes meow to fight with the owner your dad's got three nostrils and he picks his nose with a fork

oh that stunned me your dad put soup through a soda stream I don't fucking know I want to do that no the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree

you can't I just want just as an experiment no you can't have fizzy chicken soup man ah chook chook chook soup fizzy chicken soup, man. Ah, chook soup?

Fizzy minestrone. That was my nickname in high school. Fizzy minestrone. Right. I'm an Italian crime mob. Fizzy minestrone, eh? Eh, fizzy minestrone.

Fizzy minestrone. You got me on the day of my daughter's case in Europe. Oh, no. You shat fizzy minestrone. Minestrone. Your dad's got a glass eye.

It is a party trick. He takes it out and puts it in people's pants. In one night he got so drunk he forgot which eye it was and he ruined everybody's night. Your dad feeds bread to ducks because he's jealous of their figures. It's a feeling. I saw your dad in the park last week on all fours kicking his head up with his feet

to bury his poo. Your dad doesn't combine a Muller corner with the yoghurt. He just eats them as two separate things.

Separate spoon and everything. No, he eats the yoghurt and then he fucking puts the corner into the bin, just scrapes it

open. Doesn't let himself any joy. He opens Oreos, screams at the cream and just eats the biscuit he's a fucking monster he opens his burger

takes the pickle out takes the burger and puts the pickle back and then puts I don't know to buy a pickle a pickle burger your dad lived in a tent

on a traffic roundabout for years why? he just crossed the road and then thought he could just cross the other side and got stuck he was like

too much traffic but he went back to his car and bought a tent then I fell off someone's roof rack and it was like too much traffic but he went back to the park and bought a tent then it fell off someone's roof rack and he was like yes

but how would it yes how would it how would it fall out into the middle because they're fucking drifting

around the roundabout like fucking proper Tokyo drifts they're like like that but then so in the drift right

passes the off ramp that it wants to go off on and so in the drift right passes the off ramp that it wants to go off on and then flicks the back lander on in a fishtail and in that

moment the tent fell off the roof man he was so lucky that he was so lucky that there was just some

fucking mad bad boy fucking boy racer drifting running his Zafira

on a way on a camping trip I reckon it swings out too well you know what he might have ran out into the middle of the road and picked it up off the road well and running his Zafira on a way on a camping trip. I reckon it swings out too. Well, you know what?

He might have ran out into the middle of the road and picked it up off the road. Well, why, finished crossing the fucking road then halfway there, living on a prayer. Ah,

he just got caught up in the moment. He was just like, he was going out to get the tent. He did look up and like think, I can make it, I can make it, but he kind of got some

Stockholm Syndrome off the roundabout and also like, also, he was like, I've had my heart set on kind of got some Stockholm Syndrome off the roundabout. And also, like... Also, he was like, I've had my heart set on this tent since I've been watching it. For days. All these cars swerving around.

Right, and he just... So even at night time, when the roundabout's not busy... Oh, that's when he sleeps. So he doesn't... He can't stay awake. He sleeps on the roundabout, right? And then he wakes up. And it's the traffic that wakes him up.

I think he wants to be here. It's the traffic that wakes him up. When something goes not again every morning. Man, what does he do for food? Roadkill. Again? Aye. They're swimming for the tent

but they're aiming at animals. He's just made a little light for himself there by the woman. He met a girl. And she's been stuck on there too. For how long? 20. 20 years. 20 years. She was born there. and she's been stuck on there too for how long 20 20 years

20 years she was born there oh my god resident they're making a life together she's got one on the way actually so this baby's not even going to be the first baby born

in this roundabout yeah fucking hell you think that would be a claim to fame going to be the first baby born in this roundabout yeah fucking hell you think that would be a claim to fame he's actually the first immigrant on the roundabout

I mean he's the first one to say that I don't think babies can't be immigrants by definition in fact that girl's

mum and dad's dead bodies are still buried at that roundabout she's got like a rich ancestry actually into the fucking

big burying ground of all her ancestors and over the course of this 20-25 years nobody's thought to stop and see what's going on no

like looking for them one time like a man crossed over the road and tried to bring a Christianity which just shot him

with a dart like them islands in the Indian Ocean not there it's like a traffic island like that alright that'll do I suppose so we had to stretch that last dad joke out

for a few minutes to make time but you know why well there we are fucking lucky cunts they are oh this is when it weird there we are I'll be able to stop it now