Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.28 Can of worms

Episode Date: April 18, 2019

Muggins and Cream open a can of worms as Muggins reveals a secret that requires making public some hot gossip about Cream's relationship. But not before bringing back Muggle Corner. They also confirm the date, time and location of the live podcast as mentioned in the previous episode. It's happening. 

Ladies and gentlemen this is Sloss and Humphries on the road and we are not sitting down to do a podcast right now but Daniel's like okay I've got a story for you and I was like hold on let's hit record because you are excited to tell us a story. I was excited to tell you and I'm high and I was just well it's fresh my mind I wanted to bring it up so last night I'm not going to describe what happened to me. Piggy. We went to the zoo. Oh, fuck. I'll be a bit. No, just be a bit.

I'll put Piggy over it. All right. Okay, so me and Piggy went to the zoo, and when we came back, we were just sort of reading on the balcony, and eventually we sort of came in, and you were knitting your mitten. Uh-huh. And you were watching Game of Thrones.

Yeah. And you had your... Oh, no, no, you were listening. I've got my headphones on. I'm listening. you're watching Game of Thrones yeah and you had your oh no no you listen yeah I've got my headphones on I'm listening to you watching Game of Thrones I'm doing I'm just doing the run-through yeah yeah and you were also doing yourself a wee microwave two minute microwave meal yeah I was making a two minute microwave meal well it's a it's five minutes but then I always put it in for an extra couple after stirring it so for a five for a five

minute do you want to know how long it took you to make a five minute microwave meal how long

17 minutes really because I was so engrossed in my nickname Game of Thrones because I was literally

earlier on I pointed it out to Piggy I was like do you want to know how fucking stupid Kai is sometimes

and she goes what and you're not in the flat and there was just a coffee cup with coffee in it and a spoon in it andgy I was like do you want to know how fucking stupid Kaya is sometimes and she goes what and you're not in the flat and there was just her coffee cup with coffee in it and a spoon in it and nothing

I'm like he forgot he was making coffee that's the type of person he is when he gets distracted right so we've all been laughing about that during the day

then we're sat down there reading right you get up you put your microwave meal in the microwave right and you bring it in

for like fucking two minutes or a minute or whatever yeah so I put it in for five fucking two minutes or a minute or whatever I put it in for five minutes but I clearly sat like fucking ages after and now what happened next let me tell the full story so it beeps

it beeps after one minute and I go how long do you reckon he's going to sit there until he realizes that he's got headphones in so it was four minutes of what I just sat in there there until he until he realises that he's got headphones in what he's meant to be listening to my wave so it was four minutes of what

I just sat in there until you especially got up and went oh that thing's in the microwave and then what happened

and then I was like oh shit yeah I'm cooking a meal and I went up and because I knew in my head I was like oh

I'll fucking left this for four minutes it's gonna be cold the microwave is a bit gash anyway like you always have to

put on more than so I give it a little shuffle and I put on for a... So I give it a little shuffle and then I put it on for a minute and I'm fully aware that I didn't press go. Because when I went back to it, it still had one minute on the clock

and I knew it wasn't one o'clock. So he gets up. After ages. He puts it on after ages. Gets it out, stirs it, puts it back in, puts a minute on, shuts the door, and then sits back down. Peggy is screaming with laughter.

Like, I'm surprised she's in here and is fucking giggling, because I'm like, at what point are we just being cunts? Like, this is going to be the worst meal in the world for him. It's going to get cold. Like, what's going on? He sat there for four minutes, and I was like, keep your head down. Let's genuinely time it. Let's say it had long been stayed. And you're so excited, and I was like, keep your head down. Let's just genuinely time it. Let's say it had long been stayed.

And you sort of sat there and there was one moment you got out of the microwave and you started stirring it and there was a brief moment of realisation and you sort of looked up to see if we were looking

and we weren't and you just went, hmm. And I went, sniggered to yourself and said, but I've gotten away with it. And I just want you to know

you absolutely fucking did not. You went and filled the bin. And I went, the coffee sat there with no water in it I put that there in the morning still there in the afternoon

very cool oh well glad you got me on wax for that yeah did I oh I'm sure there's something else I was going to bring up

ah fuck it shall we pause this now and then do a podcast after that was fun thanks mate Shall we pause this now and then do a podcast after? That was fun. Oh, muggles. Accidental red job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

All right, welcome. It's Muggins and Cream. Hello. Doing a regular intro. No, because we did the pre-record of the thing last week. I don't know why the fuck we did it. Because we missed Monday's episode because well that's what we do yeah

I'm having a lovely festival by the way are you yeah I'm having a good time you know my day usually consists of

getting up having a nice breakfast while watching the football as if it's live watching some Game of Thrones wearing knitting

go to the gym have some food with my friends do some more knitting go to my gig get cunted play Dungeons and

Dragons wake up the next day at one yeah and it's like I'm just do some more knitting go to my gig get cunted play Dungeons and Dragons wake up the next day at 1 yeah and it's like I'm just doing loads of stuff that I enjoy doing like don't get me wrong I miss my wife

it could be better oh fuck didn't put us on the spot I'll edit this just edit it piggy like you did before yeah

I'll tell you this thing about when I wrote Just edit it in piggy like you did before. I want to tell you this thing about when I wrote, when I was in Australia last time and I was going to propose to Natalie but I didn't have a chance to say her dad before I proposed, so I emailed him. Aye. And I didn't like... We talked about it on the podcast.

We talked about it on the podcast, about the mock email. I just wanted to sign off the email. What's her name again? I feel like I've known her too long to ask her Morgz Morgz is her nickname even though you

you were called a naughty word in the last podcast oh I I've said much worse to her face yeah but yeah you woke up and you were like oh that's you just come up and you were like

oh I know like it was harmless what we're doing but like that's the type of thing that would come back and bite us it's like using your inside inside voice outside yeah we sometimes forget that when we're we're doing but that's the type of thing that can come back and bite us. It's like using your inside voice outside. Yeah. We sometimes forget that

when we're on this podcast don't we? But it's like I don't know if anything can come back to bite you unless you are like going to go down the route of being on the one show

or something. You know if you're just going to end up doing some kids TV program and then there's a sound bite. Well to be fair you're being racist towards my wife.

I mean look we're all going to get cancelled at one point. So it's just it's what bit is going to come out and get you cancelled and then also how long your cancellation lasts

and whether you care and whether it's real because it's now getting to the point where so many people you know yeah you know what as well like I feel like

if anything gets brought up from me like fucking past Twitter feed or like old stand up routines or anything like that like

I don't want to be ashamed of something I've evolved from like fucking past Twitter feed or like old stand-up routines or anything like that. Like, I don't want to be ashamed of something I've evolved from. I don't want to be like, it's just like, you know, if you look back over some of my stand-up routines, I mean,

you've done some fat shaming in one of your previous ones. I've done some like, like it just kind of casually misogynistic stuff. It's one thing where I'm like, all women are idiots and then I go on

to try and prove it by talking about an idiotic thing my girlfriend at the time did and it just doesn't really hold up very well now I'm a bit cringe if I say it

but it's like one of them things where if somebody brings that up I can't yeah I'm I'm not I'm a bit more educated now

but also I've got no resentment against that guy I didn't want to like I didn't want to shun 26 year old me when he got me here and also I can tell you right now

he wasn't doing that maliciously what he was saying was important he was just trying to fucking impress people and show off

I didn't really understand the concept of edgy and he missed the mark and that's how I got to where I am now genuinely if someone goes I'm never going to

go oh I'm a different person to who I was in a way like oh I hate that guy I hate who I was I'm like no no no that guy fucking I'm chuffed for it like that he took some risks and done some things yeah of course he fucking made some mistakes along the way but generally good egg

if I could go back in time and kick the shit out of a 19 year old man I probably would yeah I just think like if anything but... Oh, no. If I could go back in time and kick the shit out of a 19-year-old man, I probably would. Yeah, I just think, like, if anything comes back to haunt you, just own it. Like, you know, if you got up to a vegan and showed them fucking footage of them

10 years ago eating steak? Aye. Like, is this a dick move to do that? You know? Like, how am I? Let the guy evolve. We're all Pokemon deep down we all evolve

into different things when we grow but what's funny now is like you kind of pre-empt stuff you're doing now

going is that going to come back it's just a sort of thing of like the problem with using

certain words and certain language and stuff is there's a difference between saying them in private and

saying them in public because when you say them in public you're actively encouraging people you're like i think this is okay to say in public yeah but you saying it in public or putting it into a public thing you're saying i think this type of language is acceptable public which it's not right so what we've got what we've got to decide is whether this podcast that goes out to 4 000 people per episode is it public or not? Probably like I wouldn't to be fair

like if if you were to I reckon obviously we're doing the first ever live podcast on Sunday at where? Oh we're doing it

at the X-Fan at the X-Fan what time? We're doing it at midday midday I feel like people are dubious

whether we're going to do it or not like people are we are we are going to do it we're just doing it low-key. You haven't been plugging in at gigs. No.

That's it. We haven't put it on Twitter and stuff. We haven't put any... The only people that I could possibly know about is the people listening to this. My point is, the 4,000 podcast listeners, if they were all in a room,

I probably also still would... I think when you actually see them we probably wouldn't say half the things we actually said because you're like this is now a real audience and I wouldn't say half of this in front of an audience because it's quite a lot of people

I think that's more people than watch Sunderland play football word wrong word wrong word wrong it's quite it's quite like it's a it is a fucking

non-league stadium of football like if you think of the it's not a gig you play even when we play the biggest gigs they're like 1200

aye so yeah we probably should watch what it's say fuck that I just wouldn't bother doing the podcast aye like it's it's my head it's my tummy's hair yeah put it this way put it this way I just wouldn't bother doing the podcast I

put it this way either one of us gets cancelled the podcast gets cancelled so I probably wouldn't double down can somebody make a low light reel of all of the horrendous stuff we've said please

no absolutely no don't fucking do that you psycho like out of context and that fucking but to be fair that is almost

what the start of the podcast is like where have you been since 9-11 and what not you know the other fucking catchphrases

maybe we should get merch that said where have you been since 9-11 I think we would well then we should get

merch of that that guy that guy put on like a knitting dolly on that he'd drawn with muggins and cream where have you been since 9-11? I think we would wear them. We should get merch in there. That guy put on like a knitting, a knitting ball of yarn that he'd drawn with muggins and cream and it was like a unique t-shirt. I was like, shit, where can people get these? And he's put them up in a shop.

I don't know if people are buying them. I'd like one when I get home. I'm not going to order one while I'm in Australia because I'll fucking get here by the time I've left. One of the fucking Australian postal systems. I'm definitely going to get one of them

but like, I think we should probably be less lazy do more live podcasts you organise it I'll do whatever I'm just I'm never going to

not be lazy but I'm too busy knitting and going to the gym and watching Game of Thrones and playing Dungeons and Dragons and just really indulging myself aye man this has been a

fucking proper self indulging couple of months I haven't done a solo show. Aye. Like, there's a bit of guilt that comes with it, but I just keep swallowing that guy.

Like, I've not progressed my career at any. Aye. I'm in the opposite. I've done this show every fucking day since January. I haven't wrote a thing.

Who have you been writing? Nah, man. This fucking tour's going on until fucking another 18 fucking months. Yeah, I'm going to do some writing next week. I've got Punch Drunk coming up

we're doing the relaunch on weekends if anyone from Blythe and Ashton and Cramlinton and that's listening opening in Pegswood as well fucking

you know Pegswood no yeah it's like you know how like Blythe and Ashton are rough aye it's like

the place that they call rough which you're starting to get there aye the fucking so basically the only reason you would ever go through Pegswood is on your way to Morbeth, which Morbeth's quite a nice town.

So if you go from Ashton to Morbeth, you'd go through there, through Pegswood, but they were like, we're going to put people through that and they built a bypass. So they built a road especially so you didn't have to go through Pegswood.

It just left this little community. So you just said, start a gig there. We're putting on a gig there. I'm going to be posh who's on it? Mick Ferry Mickey Bartlett

George O'Sutherland oh right so rough cunts Stuart and Gary I need a fucking working class layup bye Englishman Englishman

and Scotsman I'll work in class Scotswoman well yeah so yeah Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman, I'll work in class, Scotswoman. Well, yeah, so yeah, it's going to be fucking

better, but I just didn't want to turn up and do stuff that I've heard before. What,

you're going to fucking bring up fans in Pageswood? Maybe, probably just people from Ashen,

the overflow gig, it's just doing the road. Which could come into what it

feels like to feel middle class. Try being posh on for a day hanging in Tyneswood la dee da do you have any muggles any muggle corners

aye yeah actually but only because I put it as a Facebook statistic I fucking bit out not Facebook Twitter

I've got two because let's start with this one because it as a Facebook status like a fucking bit bit out uh not Facebook Twitter I've got two um because let's start with this one because uh it's a one that we've done before right and I think maybe we've done it on Love Island I'm not sure what we've done it on but it's when somebody doesn't watch a thing and everybody else is watching it and everyone else is commenting on it and everyone else is like it's a big deal for the people who watch it that it's come like Game of Thrones come out for the fucking final season

and it's been 18 months since the last fucking season and it's been since 2011 since people have been watching it

like it is the biggest television show of all time like regardless of what you think about Sopranos and The Wire

and all these other mass success I'm fairly fucking confident that this is the biggest that this is the biggest like watched at the time as well

like and I mean globally watched and yeah people will be like oh it's because of the fucking reach out yes absolutely it's not because it's

necessarily better than other TVs and the magnitude of it the world they created is fucking it's the biggest fucking TV it is huge

and then you've got these I've been watching it spamming two girlfriends I was a different girlfriend when I started watching Game of Thrones you know a different wife

fucking I was it spammed that adult life was it was it 2011 2011 yeah alright so it would have been I was in the flat

yeah I remember watching season one like in a in my living room when I used to be downstairs in my house and with Halle

and just watching on the floor on the fucking first thing I bought was a TV and I'm fucking on my Xbox

I remember you filmed me watching the finale of season three the Red Wedding and you got me reaction shot because I need to refine that

and put it back on so he can see it so it's just it's just this fucking great thing that people absolutely love it and then as always there is

here comes the fucking holier than thou I don't appreciate things I'm cool I don't like this thing it's all tits and dragons there's too much going on

too many cars does anyone really care about it oh fucking die cunts honestly is there a conversation to not thought of

oh this must be awful alright is your opinion just having the opposite of other people's opinions

what a fucking brilliant life you lead I don't watch game of thrones tell me all the other cool shit you don't do

alright go on do you skateboard nah don't do that are you into football nah nah not for me actually what's the

I don't like jelly never liked jelly kissing nah blowjobs you actually. What's the... I don't like jelly. Never liked jelly. Are you kissing? Nah, not for me. Nah, I don't like it. Blowjobs,

you must like blowjobs. Nah, I don't like blowjobs. Nah, I don't like blowjobs. It's just like you're gently in someone else's mouth.

Is it because there's a lot of things in life that I feel like you're missing out on? Nah, I actually like things in my own life. Do you like nice food?

Nah. Nah, do you like going to restaurants and eating out? Nah. Nah, not for you? Nah,

nah. People talk about restaurants all the time and giving it big likes but it's not the same as... Have you tried basic hygiene Do you like nice food? Nah. Nah? Do you like going to restaurants eating out? Nah. Nah? Not for you? Nah. Nah. Nah? People talk about restaurants all the time giving big likes being like oh yeah nah what it's not the same as

you know. Have you tried basic hygiene you know when you have a shower freshen up put some aftershave on brush your teeth I just don't get it I just don't get it

I just think it's for the lower classes I just think it's a specific type of person you have to have a certain mental capacity to be able to enjoy the sort of things that you're discussing How about nights out with your mates? You know when you get all your mates together all the boys and girls who you're fond of have a couple of drinks mates you know when you get all your mates together all the boys and girls

who you're fond of have a couple of drinks a bit of a dance just me alone just me alone at my house staring at a wall which I also which I like by the way

do you like going on Facebook and commenting on stuff you don't do oh I love it oh my god everybody needs the thing everybody has to have the one thing don't they

I mean you know what just because I don't like doing that who am I to comment on it that being said it that being said I can't that being said I will do

this is why it's in my corner because I do this all of the time to anything else well that you don't like well I'm trying

to be fair to that but there's still honestly dude when Love Island was on you was while watching it

you had your own fucking whatsapp group the whole of fucking Facebook and I'm fucking chuffed for Ian Sterling right and of fucking Facebook I'm fucking chuffed for Ian Sterling

right and it's just I'm pretty sure you tried to put it in the corner though I'm pretty sure you tried to put no I put reality TV

in the corner on a fucking regular I'm sure because it's like it's chewing up for your brain well it's chewing up for your brain

but it's also it's also people being famous without having talent presenting it hello and then hi my name's Daniel Sloss I'm the co-host of this podcast So people being famous without having talent. Aye. Presenting it. Hello. And then... Hi, my name's Daniel Floss.

I'm the co-host of this podcast. But it is, though. It's people who fill in a form and they go in and be quirky or they go in and just be regular. Like, you're famous for being regular. And I mean, mean like shit fucking like I said I don't watch it

I don't know much that's going on but I can't avoid I can't avoid stuff that's happening in the media right like I can't avoid stuff that's happening

on social media so I'm not going to act like I'm unaware of everything because I do see something can I finish this thought the dude fucking like I said

don't watch it don't know who he is but I do know a guy who was in it committed suicide at some point. Now this is my problem with fucking reality TV show. They get somebody with fucking,

they get a bunch of people with no talent, put them in a fucking public eye, give them this fucking stratospheric level of fame, the leapfrog, everybody that's in the music industry, in the comedy industry, everyone that's fucking working hard to make a name for themselves with the gradual climb of having a talent and the checks and balances that come.

But they get straight to the top fame with no talent and then in a year, two years, the camera turns away from them and they're just left to drop from the top and they fucking hit the ground hard. I think these guys are fucking responsible. The need to get the people that they get in, therapy as they go out.

They need to get the... Then again, how much of that... I think a lot of the reason these people as well, they're going in, they're getting all this fucking fame for doing pretty much fuck all. But the payoff to that

is exactly what you said. I can't imagine anyone gets more fucking death threats than women that have been on Love Island. Yeah. Like realistically. But at what point, at what point do you go, all right, we're going to give you fucking therapy to deal like realistically but at what point you go alright

we're going to give you fucking therapy to deal with this or at what point do you deal with society and you go you know what we're going to

delete everything that allows you to be fucking anonymous and can I tell everybody in the world how to be famous if it ever

happens to you if you ever get fucking fast track to fame just be Lewis Capaldi be that guy there's so much

to fucking learn from that kid I haven't seen that much of him because I've only had my head turned on him recently but fucking that dude

he's fucking funny his fucking Instagram stories for those of you who don't know who Lewis Capaldi is I'm also very late to the party

sorry I do actually owe an apology to Gareth Waugh who tried to get me onto Lewis Capaldi and I was like nah I don't really get it

I like his music but I don't really get the thing and then I was just wrong he's a Scottish singer he's been number one for the past six weeks in the UK

and his Instagram story is absolutely fucking top notch he was in a hotel on his own just let people watch it don't repeat it don't repeat it

just let them watch it where will they find it because his Instagram story is going to be gone just go to YouTube and type in Lewis Capaldi and then I think it's just the toilet poo hotel thing.

Yeah, that's fucking hilarious. All right, he's very, very funny. I do agree with the concept of like, you know, the instant fame must be a fucking... You know, it's the same thing with fucking child stars. Like, look what's happened to them. I do think a gradual level of... Like, think of all the nicest celebrities Tom Hanks

has slowly been getting fucking famous and I think you just learn how to deal with it Tom Hanks has slowly been getting famous

was he not a child star was he yeah he wasn't big as a teenager no no he was playing a teenagey fucking idiot he was the grown man

no but when he turned was the grown man not like he was an adult actor yeah but it wasn't sorry I don't mean child star, he was still really young. Was he? Like he wasn't, he'd become like a...

I'm guessing like college age guy, did he not? No I think he became a full net man, I think he became a full blown adult. I'll google it. You'll google it? Right. When Tom Hanks got his fame. Because I just feel like he's just somebody that's just been famous for fucking ever aye for as long as we've been alive

like pre-me pre-me em yeah but that I think like you know even like Lewis Capaldi

has had a fucking like a blast of fame but he's got a talent to keep him there aye he's got something to hook him up there like what do you do

if you if you get that fame and you haven't got anything to keep you there depression and that's when they just come in and they just it's more desperate needs for attention and they just and it just breeds more failures because they're just so desperately trying to get their name back they'll just sign up for worse and worse any tv show that'll have them any appearance uh what was his first ever fucking nah man he'd done it now what was his big first man with one red shoe

let's google that man with one red shoe was Tom Hanks first movie it looks like it 1985 so now you need to find his date of birth

and do some maths there's gotta be a quicker way of doing this I don't think this is great content well you fucking talked it

right I'll just say I'll just get confirmation is that muggle corner all right absolutely is people commenting on things that don't do i just think it's a bit of a weird thing to do anyway like you know um if one of your friends went for a skydive and started telling you about the skydive and you haven't done a skydive do you have to just fucking shun his interest in it do you ever oh no i'm not into skydives do you have to just fucking shun his interest in it oh no I'm not

into skydives mate let the guy have his experience his life experience and enjoy it and share it

and share it with other people who have the problem is these people as well is they are all also equally disinvested

in other things that people don't give a shit about like these same fucking cats who are like you know what I don't like

Game of Thrones right they'll be fucking invested in uh they'll be invested in fucking sopranos they'll be invested in fucking wine or whiskey or some shit they'll have something they can't have nothing they'll have fucking cried when notre dame caught fire they'll be like right like all of you have things that other people find fucking weird because we've all got different interests uh it's really like, it's quite... Some of them are wrong. Like, for example, if you're a furry go to jail. I'm trying to

have empathy for them. Are they really sad about it? And they're putting on bravado. Are they just like, everyone seems to be having fun. I'm not having fun. I need to try and make their fun sound worse. Oh, your dude's're doing crap showed them

it's i think for a lot of people it is much easier to bring people down to your level than it is to attempt to get up to theirs you feel it's because if you try to get up to theirs and they don't accept you you'll see that as a failure whereas you bring them down to yours you know it's still like you know it's the opposite of fucking looking down your nose, I guess. It's you looking down on me. And it's like, no, no, we're just enjoying a thing. And you're allowed to enjoy it. Like, I'm going to be honest with you.

If you don't like Game of Thrones and you've never fucking seen it, you don't get the big deal. Why don't you start from season one? Because they're all available now. And then maybe you can all watch the last episode with us all together. And also, this isn't the people who, it's just not for you. I know some people have tried to watch and it's not for them. Oh, which is absolutely fair.

I kind of get my heat around that, but then I have been shooting under their foot. I tried listening to S-Town and Serial and watching Making a Murderer because I felt like I was missing out on something. And instead of just going, no, that's not my cup of tea, I gave it a shot. And it just didn't wash with as much.

But it's a shame if people watch didn't it didn't wash with as much but like like I feel like it's a shame if people watch it and they didn't enjoy it what are like the fucking big things big popular things that you just go

I can't be arsed with that well it's all the mainstream stuff that I said earlier cricket yeah cricket's one where I've just

and I've tried I've tried with rugby too like I've even played rugby I've tried with rugby but like I just think you have sports that speak

in sports that don't like football and UFC is me I'll tune in for the end of the tennis I will absolutely put that fully

in the corner and I'll give you my first Muggle corner yeah this is another fucking thing Muggles boast about being blogged

by celebrities on Twitter oh man like their whole fucking thing. Muggles boast about being blocked by celebrities on Twitter. Oh, man. Like, their whole fucking thing is like, hey, this guy blocked me. Like, I must have gotten to him. Like, oh, you fucking loser. Oh, man.

You see it sometimes with comedians. Oh, man. They just go there like, I'm going to keep verbally abusing this person on Twitter. It's what it's the equivalent of. It's you going up to someone in the street go there like, I'm going to keep, I'm going to keep verbally abusing this person on Twitter. Because it's worth the equivalent of, it's you going up to someone in the street and be like, fuck you, fuck you,

fuck you, fuck you. And you, and then pushing you away and be like, I got to him. Look at him. What a dick. What a dick this guy is.

You know the people who go, are being blocked by Trump. Right. As if like, as if the president of the United States has took any time in his day to look at what you've said and then make a decision. No, no, no.

He's the one person when it's true. He's got no idea yet even tweeted him it. No, he is because he's... That's the problem with Trump. Trump's the only one

on his Twitter. That's why his Twitter is mental. Yeah, I think he posts tweets. No, no, man. It's all... No, no. The White House one but he specifically kept his No, no, but it's own... No, no, on the White House one, but he specifically kept his own Donald fucking Trump one. So his, I would

say his blogs are legitimate. Really? 100%. So you're telling me Donald Trump is reading the tweets of Martin Moore and Janie Godley? Yes, because if you look at his fucking retweets of all the fucking, like, that's how Jacob Wall became famous, because he was just somebody that kept saying positive things in Trump's mentions

and the only time Trump would have fucking seen it is if he's fucking reading his mentions. We know. In the same way that we all know Piers Morgan's Google searches for his known name on Twitter because Piers Morgan will reply to things with his name in it that he's not been tagged in. Oh my god. You can only get into those if you're fucking Googling your own thing.

How do they, because they've got to be so busy. I can't understand how busy their lives are right I feel like because I've spent my life with things I enjoy doing

like I haven't got time to fucking keep up with whatsapp conversations you know like I feel like especially in Australia a lot of conversations happen through the night

if I have any time I'm trying to catch up on correspondence right how the fuck have they got time to be like googling all the mentions

and shit well because do they not do shit do they not do all that shit no have they got families and hobbies well Piers Morgan

no this is where they get the most attention I guess this is his thing isn't it his thing is this public figure so that's all he fucking does and it's the same with fucking Trump

that's why he got to the position he is in now but I guarantee Trump is one of the ones where he's like and I think most of the time when you you think being blocked

is you getting to someone what it is it's basically like I get a lot of fucking mentions and yours are just stupid and annoying I wish I could block some people on Twitter

they don't necessarily say anything horrible to me I'm just fucking sick of their chat the guy I got sassy with last night on Twitter he apologized

so I'm not going to give him shit. I'm like, yeah, we'll give him a bit of shit. I'm going to mention what happened. He was saying, so I was at the gig last night. There actually was a guy

who says, you're free for a pint after Best of British, but I had to make a phone call and I had to get over there. I said yes at first and then I had to get out there. That was a different guy.

He was like, oh, cool, I'll see you Sunday. He's fucking sown by me. I said I can't have a drink with him and then I couldn't, but then I'm going to see you Sunday. He's fucking soundbite me. I said I can't have a drink with him, then I couldn't. But then I'm going to see him on Sunday anyway. But somebody that wasn't him, a completely different person, just went, hey, why do you always mention on the podcast

that you'll hang out with your fans and stuff after shows, hang out with the listeners after shows, but then you just ghost us when the time comes? And, like, he didn't make himself known. Yeah, also also it was brilliant I went to the back of the room just like

looking into the eyes of Puntas just going podcast podcast listener I don't know who's from a couple of

clarifications one we said on tour this is technically not tour the car is not opening for me so

he's in a different venue than I am and we're not performing I love seeing people on the podcast I love it also you didn't wait beside the stage door not opening for me so he's in a different venue than I am and we're not performing the same one and I'd love to see people at the podcast in my venue I love it

also you didn't wait beside the stage door I do not come out in the fucking lobby because there are 850 people there and that's the rest of my night gone

that's why I stage stage door for people who can find the stage door then you can talk to me for a bit and then also I'm not hanging out

with any of you I'll talk to you for a bit and we'll have a fucking laugh together we'll take some fucking photos I'm not hanging out with people sometimes you do sometimes talk to you for a bit and we'll have a fucking laugh together we'll take some fucking photos I'm not hanging out

with people sometimes you do sometimes you do but it's not a blanket fucking promise across the board some nights I have plans

I can't even keep up with my whatsapp fucking old people I drink 4,000 people we do love fucking hanging out with folk off here

but that was just weird that was just weird to have someone just go I'm just disappointed that you ghosted us I was like fuck I would have come and said I'm just disappointed that you ghosted us I was like fuck I would have come and said hello

you'd let us know you're there you know just a wave like I listen to a podcast a tweet fuck anything anything any sign

he'll come to the podcast on Sunday and we'll just we'll just kick his fucking head please come out to the podcast so we can ghost you

then too we should have we should have ripped you then we'll rip you on Sunday now come we're good. We should have ripped you then. We'll rip you on Sunday now. Come on now. You have it.

I need to apologise. So he knows it's wrong. That's not the Muckens of Cream I know. I'm disappointed. I'm sorry I ghosted you dude. Didn't ghost. Didn't ghost you. What's your next Michael?

Mankinis. Mankinis is like, oh it's maddening. Oh, like stagnant. I'm going to put a mancini on her in the pool. Oh that means Piggy has to go into... She wear a mancini? She's like, I wore a mancini and ten refunds. Did she? I'll show you the video you've got a video she's got the video aye

of Peggy where's my Peggy mate what you just said her name oh fuck fucking idiot

where is it 30 30 right fucking reminders aye it's fucking annoying

I hate it on the podcast never do that well you said I'm fucking winning some of the fans I can't have them stalking her I'm gonna

I'm gonna open a can of worms yeah okay go for it I'm gonna open a can of worms so we went out with me

you Gene Piggy and a few others on a night out on Saturday and we were I was with Jean

and I was telling her about me being on the pickle juice the other night and I was like I'll get you this pickle juice shot so we got the shots of pickle juice and she took the whiskey and then she took the pickle and she contorted her face and just looked at us and then went tell me a secret

it was so out of the blue she took a shot and then said tell me a secret it was so out of the blue she took a shot and then said tell me a secret now I have pretty much zero secrets oh I

hand on your hand on your sleeves hand on on your legs hand on my hand on my nose scratching my brain I was literally

scratching my brain for a secret I was like I have genuinely got nothing to own it and then it dawned on us it wasn't a secret to you my brain for a secret. I was like, I've genuinely got nothing to own it with. And then it dawned on us, it wasn't a secret to you. It wasn't a secret to Piggy. Mate!

Fucking hell, what was that on? 30, fucking hell, man. Why do you have to do this? Because I don't want people knowing about it. I don't want, because they'll fucking find her on Instagram. I've got 127,000 fucking Instagram followers. I'm not having them know her name. because they'll fucking find her on I've got 127,000 fucking Instagram followers I'm not having them

know her name go on there and find her on it she'll have to change her name on Facebook like your mum did right so you knew

and Piggy knew yeah but the rest of the world didn't no em I've I've kissed your girlfriend

oh you have before I met my wife before we're going out years and years and years it was 2012 so I met Natalie in June and then you met this is where it's opening a can of worms

you met Piggy Senior you met Piggy Senior. You met Piggy's older sister in September on tour. This is an angry area shit. Natly didn't start going out until the end. But this is how Natly

finds out too, by the way. And I'm going to also let everybody know why, let Natly know why it was a secret. But I'll tell the story first. So you met older sister through Twitter. And she'd come out with a group of friends. One of the friends was her sister. And I was single wingman for you, meeting this girl off Twitter.

And then as a good wingman, I kissed your future girlfriend. I. Without knowledge that she was going to be my future girlfriend. And then you ended up going out with her older sister for a bit I for a period yeah can I just say

right now that you're a fucking monster no no no I disagree no

like so you went out with her for a good year or something absolutely not absolutely do not spread that level of misinformation. We went out for three months.

Three months, that's what it was. And since then, she's been in a relationship with a guy who she's lived with for four and a half years. Yeah, she didn't take it well though,

did she? We'll not get into this. We'll not get into the family politics. We'll not get into the family politics of any of this. We're mainly basically... How do you like, see her dad on Christmas

without smoking as you shakes his hand the reason we bring this up though is because the about a year and a half ago when I met Piggy

remit her remit her oh no about a year and a half ago remit Piggy she was looking kind she's look she's a small pig

I'm at the fringe with my fiancé aye about to get she's a small I'm at the fringe with my fiance aye about to get married aye right and I'm out there with this new girl

who I've met who I haven't seen in like five years six years by the way at this point she's now

she's the age she is now which is over 24 yep so Natalie spotted her before I did

and because Piggy is quite a small petite being Natalie just went oh my god how young is that girl that's chatting

to Danny and I was just like this is probably a bad time to tell you I kissed her six years ago so I was just like

yeah I'll probably I'll probably keep that to myself to be fair Natalie doesn't get to hold anything Natalie doesn't get to hold anything

over you because one me and Natalie have definitely kissed on several occasions well you've kissed in a photo for the picture

for the sponsorship we've never meant it but to be fair I don't think that when you kiss Biggie you meant it either yeah I mean I, I don't think that when you kissed Piggy, you meant it either. Yeah.

I mean, I was just like, you know, just keep busy. Aye. Keep working. Keep moving. Just keep me lips long. Aye. You know, I was a gentleman. Shitty, right?

I was a gentleman. I didn't use my tongues. Aye. And, yeah, so she can't really hold anything against you. And Piggy can't hold anything against me because well and how old was she at the

time 18 18 I think yeah legend so yeah that was just one of the I didn't mean to keep

it a secret it just went to good time to bring it up honestly right that happened and then I was

just like probably not mentioning that little did I know that you were going to bring her up. Honestly, right? That happened. And then I was just like, probably not mentioning that. Little did I know that you were going to bring her in to be a big part of my life. Aye. Right? Aye, because at the time, no problem saying this,

we were just, you know. That would have been keeping it secret. We hadn't even hooked up at that point. We were just hanging out together. It would have just been admitting the truth, wouldn't it? Like, oh, there's just something I don't need to bring up from my past. And just be like, hey,

as if you're going to spend the rest of the festival just walking around pointing at people you've kissed yeah exactly exactly right but yeah

then you just start like I do and whatnot and then Jean's like tell me a secret oh baby lose the tame oh god

I've been carrying that around alright I'm glad and I'm also glad that you didn't tell it to your wife directly you just went fuck it

she'll listen to this you're such a fucking bad husband man you've got such a rotten bit of behaviour oh you're kind of you're kind of tight

with my behaviour when you just start like just going with every member of the family I you're just fucking it's not it

you do you're going through the family like Les Dennis wait what did they do family fortune

oh that's a good joke very funny so Bill Dan aye I'm Hamill but you

thought oh when's my turn well what's your next Michael

Corner what was it it was about Mancini oh yeah so Piggy where is Mancini because look Pitch on your ex Michael, go on then. What was that? What was it? I was about mankinis with any board. Oh, yeah. So, yeah.

So, Piggy wears a mankini. Because look, I pitch on my ex. Because look, I pitch on my ex in a mankini, man. That's the thing.

This is like a betrayal on two accounts. My ex. No. And your sister's. Not my sister's. Your ex-girlfriend's sister.

I've definitely I've definitely I've definitely I've definitely not fucked my sister's siblings at no point have I fucked

Matthew or Jack I've tried but they're getting stronger man how many betrayals can you do in one one move

I loved her well do you know her middle name what do you know her middle name? What? Do you know her middle name? Piggy? Aye.

Piggy, Piggy. I'm not going to fucking... No. You can give it with a... If they can work out who she is from her middle name, I'll give... Like, they can have her. Right.

What's her real name? Margaret. It's Maggie. It's her. Maggie. Aye. I can just call her Maggie on the podcast

call her Maggie call her absolutely I'm really sure fuck it she hates them Muggins and Maggie would have been

such a sweet couple and I never would have oh no I don't think I would have met Muggs otherwise so it wouldn't have been a reverse situation do you reckon

my wife will be my future do you reckon I'm not suggesting Peggy's going to be my future wife do you reckon in the future we'll get bored and wife swap there could future? Do you reckon it, Rick? I'm not suggesting Priggies could be my future wife. Do you reckon in the future we'll get bored and wife swap? There could have been an alternative...

Answer my question. Would you say what? Do you reckon we could wife swap in the future? Do you reckon we will? Do you reckon the children will get into it when we're older? What, wife swap? Aye, not necessarily... Do we have to wait until they're wrinkly and minging?

No, no, but just until I get one. Can we do it in the hot? Can we do it while I'm in good shape? I don't want to be like old cunts and that. You're wrinkling everywhere. Next five years. I don't know, this is no Natalie Fiennes, which is a swinger.

What was I going to say there? Because I met Natalie through all of her friends seeing the comedians, which was us. It was like Benny Boot, a couple of the comics. I can't remember who, I can't remember who was on the bill.

Where? Mostly Scottish acts, wasn't it? Rockness? Aye. And Katie and Pipa and everyone were like chatting to everybody and then Natalie grabbed my arm

and took me off. Aye. So maybe if she had her glasses on. And I'll tell you in the past where she had her glasses on. Aye the past where she had her glasses on. She could have just like, she might have done the dip differently and landed on you and dragged you off.

Or maybe she just ran the tighter shoelaces at a certain fucking point. Oh my, no, she was stalking you. She'd seen you at the gig until you were hot then and then. She'd seen us at the gig and then it was when our friends were talking. That's like our friends come to talk to us.

So basically, yeah, if they hadn't gone to the comedy bit. Yeah, or if like you would have met, what I was when our friends were talking that's like our friends come to talk if they hadn't gone to the comedy yeah oh if like you would have met what I was saying is you were saying

you wouldn't have met Natalie without me but you would have because that situation would have still happened I didn't like

go oh this is the girl I met oh what a future we could have had Natalie was a tent wrecker that day as well was she

get drunk and stand on them all get drunk and stand on them all fucking big Godzilla impression yeah because I'd been

kissing another girl and fucking lips were crazy in 2012 loose second ships left

just fine on them run did you say anyone's safety catch was off so I've been

kissing this other girl in the festival and then and then I asked Natalie I took Natalie for a drink

to one of the festival bars and then me wallet was in the other girl's bag and I had to explain that

and Natalie had to buy the drink that I was buying her great to be fair like she has brought all of

this on herself for the entire thing. Like, there's no one, I hate to victim blame, but it's definitely Natalie's fault. What is?

Well, you know, the fact that she has to put up with this shit. She did marry him. Nah, it's gotta be fun. It's not like,

it's not like, it's not like you were like normal before this and then you just suddenly let yourself go. Like, you've consistently been a piece of shit.

that's not a piece of shit, but I've definitely just been myself the whole time. Like, I've never, I've never like put on a let yourself go. Like, you've consistently been a piece of shit. Well, not a piece of shit, but I've definitely just been myself the whole time. Like, I've never, like, put on a bravado. Like, a friend of ours, I'm not going to name names, right? No, that's actually you. Fucking about time. A friend of ours was going out with a girl who we know,

and you were just like, oh, God, she kicked off with her boyfriend for watching porn one time. He was like, yeah, that's how I got talking to her pretended i didn't watch porn so he like spun a yarn that suited what she wanted and then all of a sudden he's wrapped up in that lie for the duration of however long they know each other right and i've never ever tried to like be anyone who i'm not all right so like i have to play i mean you can put it i can put it that way which makes you sound really cool or you can put it the way, which makes you sound really cool. Or you can put it the way that I say, which is you're too stupid to lie.

Well, that just takes a lot of fucking brain space, right? Aye, that's exactly what I just said. But like, it's not stupid to be prudent with your brain space. I'm so intelligent, I'm just going to fucking fill my brain with shit. I'm so smart, I can keep all of these lies but you might just be fucking infinite though like that's the point

like it's but like no it's not no it is I always hate when people just say like one of the fucking bits of philosophy

I always hate being like people are like I don't hate anyone it just takes up space in your brain I'm like how fucking limited

is your brain no you've got time in your day and if your time in your day is spent hating on people you know what I mean it's like

you're going to just passively hate them in the background you're like Mark I just hate them and then when you see them you're like oh yeah

I hate him it hasn't took up any of my day but it has got a small space in my brain but there's loads of room 100% that is what happens

borders are open you sit there I've got a bunch of people who I fucking hate but I'll very rarely, rarely think about them during the day. It's just in conversations

someone will bring up and they'll mention their name and I'll go, oh, I fucking hate him and I'll sit there and I'll see it for five minutes while they're talking. I still do my things,

I'll make me dinner. Like, it doesn't take up any time. And I just think, you know, if you don't hate people, what's the point of being put on earth? Um, do I hate anyone? I disagree with some people. if you don't hate people what's the point of being put on earth em I do I hate anyone I disagree

with some people I I hate it with strong like yeah I didn't have I hate loads and you do like it kind of fuels you

a bit though doesn't it oh it does absolutely fuels me yeah it gives you like it gives you energy I I do

it's weird you can pick it aye it does aye it's weird you can pick it up it does aye like somebody doing a dick move can really put a spring in your step just me being like fucking something to live

someone else to screw over I'll go so my goals are in mankinis yeah just because it's a little bit like contrived fucking look how crazy

we are like I just find it like oh I want to pull the mankini on like like I'm fucking I've seen it done

I've laughed at it I've been part of the mugglery aye but it's muggly aye it absolutely is yep it's straight in there

I'm gonna do a quick one muggles play Hearthstone Hearthstone aye oh that's a stupid fucking

oh it's a stupid little fucking nerdy little on your fucking phone like card game battling against each other right here's the thing collecting cards

I get you've got the fucking card there but if you're buying cards on a game to fucking put them out you don't even physically own them

you're going to be bored of it in a minute and you're fucking alright anyway we've both got a Hearthstone I thought you were going to do with a minute you're fucking all right anyway uh we've both got a hearthstone i thought you were gonna do it i thought you were gonna oh this is because i did like i we didn't pre-discuss this right but uh i thought that you were just planting that seed for

elliot because he got us onto people i haven't told him don't give credit to elliot it was gareth war it was gareth Ward like our first time for Elliot I think I think Gareth got Elliot yeah so so it got it got to us we got really into it

but we haven't announced that we're into it it's really fun well do they'll not listen to this because those guys do not listen to the podcast that they're not on

is that right I'll call man there's a fucking check for you right let's so continue to not tell them we'll play hostile continue to not tell them

right let's just see how long it actually takes Gareth and Elliot bad friends right okay Gareth, Elliot when you hear this give us a game of Hearthstone

we'll play against you but until that day we're going to play it without you knowing aye and then are they going to do the fucking bring our friends like

oh they know that we know but they don't know that we know that they know aye I think I saw their own little podcast as well just being like we know we're going't know that we know that they know right I think I saw their own little podcast as well

just being like we know we're going to wait until they listen to this and boys I would listen to that because we're good friends good mates

I want to hear what you've got to say right let's talk about dates and then go into dad jokes are we putting Hobbs down in Muggle Corner yeah

it's fucking it's candy crush isn't it it's not like it's that ilk like if you're putting candy crush in if you're putting a hearthstone in Muggle Corner. Yeah. It's fucking candy crush, isn't it? It's that ilk. If you're putting candy crush in, if you're putting Clash of the Clans in. But the only thing I would give Hearthstone above that is it is a game by fucking Blizzard, who did fucking World of Warcraft and stuff.

It's the same fucking universe as that. But the second I play it, I'm just like, this is muggly. I get why people go to this. But it speaks to the fucking nerdy part of me. And it's the second I play it I'm just like this is muggly I get why people do all this but it speaks to the fucking nerdy part of me and it's you know

it's competitive and it's you know yeah didn't we plug the board game King of Tokyo on the last podcast didn't we I think it's a bit

like that in a way right the game the card game and everything but I think I like the interact the board game

better because you have to figure everything out you have to figure everything out you have to figure out that that card gives you this and this gives you that but in the game

you slide it on and you can play it like mind numbingly you can just slide stuff over and it works out all the damages for you I think I'd like to

play this game as an actual card game I think as an actual card game it would be very fucking difficult because it automatically works out a lot

the fucking damage it would be very easy to forget and like I think it would be very fucking difficult because it automatically works out a lot the fucking damage would be very easy to forget and like it's I think it would be tough to fucking referee if you didn't have are we going to end up

going down the rabbit hole of Magic the Gathering maybe but I'm making the one if I went I did not make in Fortnite and that though is I'm not going to spend

any real money on this game yeah you mean real money you're not going to spend any yeah not going to spend any you're not going to spend any tokens that you gain yeah yeah you can buy fucking packs that way but you're not going to spend any yeah not going to spend any you're not going to spend any tokens

that you gain yeah yeah yeah you can buy fucking packs that way but I'm not going to I'm not going to spend is that our even though we've put it in Muggle Corner is that our plug for this podcast

it's called yeah yeah and it's something where you know people want to fucking get onto it spelling making players heart h-e-r

oh h-e-a-r-t-h-s-t-o-n-e hearth yeah heart with an H at the end. Hearth. Hearth. As in, home is where the hearth is. Yeah. Which is a fire, a fire, a hearth.

As in, two hearths. Nope. One mind. Nope. No. Hips be hearthed. Ha! Why did I take this so much?

I don't know. You must be willing to admit that it's muggly oh totally yeah but like I'm delving into the fucking world of mugglery right now with fucking Dungeons and Dragons and this kind of shit

that's why I'm totally realising you know what here's the thing as I get older you know how when you're young and you're always fucking worried that there's you know

you want to be fucking cool or whatever and your parents are like the lamest people in the world to you and then you get older and you suddenly always fucking worried that there's, you know, you want to be fucking cool or whatever and your parents are like the lamest people in the world to you. And then you get older and you suddenly realise, oh, the older I get, I'm like,

there might not be any such thing as cool. Like, the older I get, I'm just like, oh. Because I see my brother's trying to be fucking cool and I'm like, you know. Just do what you want. Just do whatever makes you happy.

Just do that. As long as it's not like pedophilia and stuff. That's already sure, I hope. Like, I still't say the decent. Nothing that's like, nothing that could get you sent to jail.

Right, we've got some more Melbourne shows. We've got the podcast or live podcast on Sunday at 12. I need some, I need some London people. Shh.

I'm still talking about this one. Okay. So it Sunday at 12. I need some London people. Shh. I'm still talking about this one. Okay. So it's at 12? Oh, yeah, yeah. The podcast is at 12 at the Exford Hotel, which is on Russell Street as it joins Little Bourke Street,

or Bourke Street, however you want to pronounce that. It's in Chinatown. And it's on the first floor, so you go into the pub, you go up the stairs, that's how the first floor works. And it's what,

what did we say? It said 20 bucks in. 20 bucks in. It said 20 bucks in. There's probably going to be, I mean, there's four or five people have announced themselves.

I reckon it's going to be 15 people. Right, so that'll be cool. Cody wants to come along. Cody's going to get Cody, Katie. Katie lives upstairs, so he's going to come down.

Aye, look, I think he'll probably get Bart Freiberg, also Cam Jams we'll just get a bunch of people on yeah as well we'll let

the comics and stuff know that it's happening so that they can come in the room and pitch in so yeah that'll just be a good gathering and we won't ghost you aye we won't

I swear I don't want to disappoint anybody aye I will the second I get bored of your chat I'll fuck off yeah

so London London I'm doing a show it's all theatre in London because we are doing a gig the second I get bored of your chat I'll fuck off yeah so London London I'm doing a show at Soho Theatre in London because we are doing a gig that I'm opening for you but then I'm going to run over to Soho

and do a solo show yeah that was like I don't know why I've done that because Marlene was just like you're in London there's a space at Soho would you like to do a solo show

and I'm like literally anybody that would come to my show is probably going to be your London show alright well prove them wrong so what I need is anybody who

saw us at Leicester Square or where else did we play in London yeah so any because it's the same tour show that we're going to be doing

yeah yeah yeah so anybody who saw us in London and wants to see my solo show come to Soho Theatre on fucking best I give you the date eh

hi while you're you the date eh hi while you're finding the date this is what shows that you're doing it's going to be my newer one it's not the

Punch Drunk show it's going to be Team Smug so yeah so anybody that come to see Punch Drunk last time when I was

at the Pleasance you can come see this one it's a different show entirely different show yep it's on May the 11th

8.45 Soho Theatre I need an audience I haven't started I've just put one little plug on Twitter so I need to start building an audience now entirely different show. Yep, it's on May the 11th. May the 11th. 8.45, Soho Theatre. I need an audience. I haven't started, I've just put one little plug on Twitter, so I need to start building an audience now. So kind of relying on you guys to turn up.

Cool. Two or three days. Melbourne, you're pretty much all sold out, but I'll be here till Sunday. Come see that. Parth, you have an extra show that's not sold out yet.

Don't think. Canberra, I think you're sold out. Fucking go on the web, so I can't, you know what it is Sydney Sydney Gareth Waugh's gonna be there

Gareth Waugh's gonna be there I'm doing Punch Drunk the Punch Drunk show great so people can come and see me you and Gareth yeah yeah yeah

and you know what depending on how Sunday goes let's look at doing a fucking live podcast yeah yeah Sydney for you to get a live podcast you're relying on

you're relying on you're relying on Melbourne being decent so Melbourne don't screw up for your Australian brethren also just on the off chance America

the tour dates are going to come out soon I promise you I know I keep fucking saying this but they are on their way also we are now officially looking into Russia

so that could be cool if there's any Russian listeners I'll be very impressed Do we have any Russian listeners? I think so yeah Do you? Fuck it

Netflix is great Right Dad jokes Yep Your dad's GP told him That he had mental health issues And your dad said More like mental stealth issues

And then hid behind his own hands Your dad rang the tits off my phone at the end of his staff night out trying to get a booty call. Your dad cuts coke with a pizza cutter. Fucking good idea. Your dad's top nuts got chewing gum stuck in it from the lad

sat behind him at the match. Whenever your mum queefs, your dad floats towards her through the air like a Looney Tunes character when he smells a pie on the shelf. Your dad breathed a big sigh of relief when you weren't a girl. Your dad's baseball cap

comes with a chin strap Your dad nibbles on his own shin like it's a cone on the cob when he's nervous Like the fucking hyena in Lion King Ted Your dad wears goggles when it's raining

always looking up your dad walks around with his mouth wide open because he thinks air might also have plankton in it your dad does a jaunty little jig whenever he finds out the post is here never gets anything, just fancies the postman.

Your dad chipped his tooth, spiked his lip. Your dad thinks that journalists lick the nib of their pens to find out what colour it is and insists that he can tell the colour of any pen by putting it on his mouth and the colour of any man by how much his arse hurts after. colour of any pen by putting it on his mouth and the colour of any man by how much his arse hurts after. That was a long contrived way of saying a black dude fucked him. Or dead, no, no, or Chinese or Indian, because it could not hurt. Your dad once chased a mugger down the high street but by the time he caught him we forgot

why he was chasing him, so he just asked the guy the time to style it out. Your dad says it's always 9-11 somewhere and starts masturbating. Your dad went hunting for deer by going undercover and living amongst them, but now he's in too deep and he saves them his family. Your dad fishes for compliments

with a fishing rod attached to a dick pic. Your dad bought an ice lolly and without breaking eye contact with the ice cream man, he deeps throated slowly till it was just a stick. Your dad doesn't believe in zebras, reckons they're just painted horses

and it's all a conspiracy by Big Africa to generate tourism. Big Africa. When your dad finishes shagging in your mom he quickly runs into the toilet and knock one out

while it's still in the spank bank oh fun with friends yeah I got a fucking piggy in there what's her

name's name alright see you on Sunday stop it you fucking mug I'm trying