Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.29 The Live Easter one (Live)

Episode Date: April 21, 2019

They said it can't be done!!! Muggins and Cream ridiculously chose to do their first (proper) live podcast at noon on Easter Day and would you believe, people actually ditched their families to come from far and wide to witness it. Live from Melbourne with Special Guests, Nick Cody, Luke Heggie, Bart Freebairn and Carey Marx. 

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and Cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Ah, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

Muggins and Cream, crime busters of the sea. See, people do laugh. The amount of audience members, which I will say off the top, is way more than I was expecting. Not enough of them laughed at that bit to make it worth you doing every fucking episode. All right, Mulligan, Mulligan. Captain Muggins, he's a hero,

brings the cream down to zero. That's still 3%. It's smart enough. We need to put me through this every goddamn fucking episode. All right, do me a fucking boring intro then. Just because this is a live podcast, he's sitting away from us. He's normally like cuddled up.

He's normally just like this. He can't see it on the podcast, he's staring longingly at my eyes. Yeah, there's normally just one mic and we just laugh at each other. Don't put that away from your mind please. Hello everyone, my name is Cream, this is Muggins1. This is the first ever live podcast of Muggins and Cream's Last Traveller's Day on the Road. Technically not. Technically not Technically not the first live podcast

Because we've done that one in Amsterdam In front of people that have never heard of it Which by the way was weird as fuck I don't know how that came across when you listened to it But yeah It was odd It's weird seeing people staring back at you isn't it No I'm used to it and I'm successful

If anything it's weird to see this little amount of people No, I'm used to it and I'm successful. If anything, it's weird to see this little amount of people. My audience has doubled. What did we sell online? I think there's 23 ticket sales online. There's about 40 people. I'm very fucking happy with this. It's almost enough to make you forgive Australia yeah I think you did make a promise or maybe I made a promise on your behalf that if it's all with more than 20 people turned up you'd say compliments

about it yeah yeah yeah and I prepared for that eventuality but I didn't think would happen so prepare for someone to be insincere I've written them down because it's very hard to forget the things that you like about this country can I start? you absolutely can I really like a $1 7-Eleven coffee I wouldn't have known about it if it wasn't for my good friend Nick Cody

who's an ambassador to 7-Eleven coffee if he comes up and smashes this out of your hand into my face it would make quality television

but very bad podcasts just me screaming for 35 seconds. The screensaver came on. Have you fucked this already? No, no, no, it's still recording. I just, I like to make sure it is. Here's a genuine one, this is a sincere one. I absolutely, I think Pie Face is a national delicacy.

Isn't there less Pie Faces than there used to be? Yeah. Why is that? They went broke. How did they go broke? I don't, it's so good. Like, I sincerely fucking love Piper. It's a better version of Gregg's. It's a thinking man's Gregg's.

Wow, wow. That's Newcastle's very own fucking bakery. Newcastle started Gregg's. Behind the base, 24 hour Gregg's. It's got a dormant. You can't get in for a steak bake with the wrong footwear on. The fucking Greg's has a doorman in case it starts kicking off. In a Greg's?

In Newcastle. Even then? Yeah, it's true. Could you just fucking fight each other in there? Well, what if there's like one steak bake left in front of a long queue? Dizzies. I went in there with my friend one time, it was like on a night out, it was like four o'clock in the morning and he was giving out the beans

about how the festive bake or something was the best one, and I was like, nah, it's steak bake all the way, he was doing that muggle thing of just going off centre and he was adamant he was calling us all the pricks for fucking being mainstream with my choice and then I got the front of the queue and I looked at the shelf and they all had seven festive bakes. Fucking took the lot. Just started handing them out to the homeless. I was about to say that's almost like Robin Hood, but since you were in Newcastle, everyone there is poor.

So you're just taking from the poor to give to the other poor. It's true. I want to introduce you to the man you've just been talking to as well. You know the guy who you mentioned about the pie face going broke? This is Liam. This is the one that fucking started getting out of fucking bitching with her on Twitter. LAUGHTER Like, you just ghosted your first name. HE MUMBLES So, were you waiting in the lobby, Liam? Look, sorry, well...

Oh, fuck, if he got sassy because of a ghost, imagine how he's going to be getting a name wrong. There was only two other people waiting, wasn't there? Oh, was there? OK. Well, I do... I apologize... Well, no, I don't. I'd like to apologize to absolutely fucking nobody. Okay.

We'll meet after this. And also, if anyone's complaining about the fact that this is a 12pm show, I agree with you, but this is very much his decision more than anyone else's. Oh, yeah, everyone's fucking mad at me today. Aye. So, last night was the Expo Rap Party, like, the venue's Rap Party. And since it's wrapping up, it wasn't like a fucking rap party. Diolch yn fawr am ymuno â ni heddiw. Helo. Felly, ystod y nos oedd y rhaid i'r venyws rap ymuno â'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid i'r rhaid You know all the songs have been on since February. I wish it could be Easter every day. That sort of stuff.

So yeah, they had the rap party here. They fucking kept me going. Poor Ash on the door there kept me going till 8 in the morning. It's just at work now doing the front of the house. She would be in bed right now if we hadn't put this podcast on.

I'm sorry, Ash. We come in and fucking Chris Franklin was asleep on the couch. He locked the venue. So, yeah, everyone's fucking annoyed at me. It is the middle of the night, though. 12 o'clock in festival hours. It's fucking... But it's the last day.

And it is, you know... Is anyone else day drinking yet? Yeah. Yeah, that looks like my audience. Do you think this is meant to be plugged into something? That's not going to end well, is it? Have you fucked this? Oh, thank God.

Okay, Jesus. I'll go through my remaining things that I like about Australia. Oh shit, I thought we were finished. I thought we were done in a couple of minutes. My face is an actual deal. Can you say, you can never truly tell if someone's being ironically homophobic or racist or genuinely homophobic. Oh, I finished? No. I thought Super 11 couple of minutes. Hi, my name's international Dale Kesey. You can never truly tell if someone's being ironically homophobic or racist or genuinely

homophobic or racist. And it's a very fun game in conversations. Because at some point you'll just do something and they'll just be like, look at that picture. And you're like, hmm. And do you hate them for that? Or is it just like a fun thing that we say? It was, for me it was the misogyny from this barman at the Greek centre. I'm going to fucking just out him.

He was at the Greek centre and he was serving everyone's drinks, but he was being really like fucking, he was trying to, he had such a smile on his face. He's trying to figure out what drink everybody wants. How are you feeling? What time do you get to sleep? When did you get up? You're going to want this.

He was the fucking best barman in the world. I was just sat at the bar propping it up, just fucking your sushi with my friends, speed dating my mates as they came to theman in the world. I was just sat at the bar propping it up, just fucking your sushi with my friends, speed dating my mates as they came to the bar. But every time it was just me at the bar, he just decided to fucking look over

at one of my female friends and go, oh, look at the fucking tits on her. I'd spunk all over those. Like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Dude, why are you so fucking blunt? I was like looking around for a hidden camera.

I was like, is this a prank? And you wanted him to be a bit more Shakespearean with his... Yeah, I just... Go on then. No, no. No, no, no. You fucking walk yourself into this bit.

One would love to bequeath her chesticles with a fine array of silver juice. I'd actually use that a lot. That's enough to stop my news. Did it hurt when your dad used to beat you? That's more of an Australian one than anything else. My final one for the things I like about Australia is Tinder in this country. I don't know how Tinder is anymore here but Tinder here is... Be careful now because you've got a girlfriend. Good job she doesn't listen to it. No she doesn't listen to it and if she if she did, she'd just say, no, she needs to know that, you know, there are always other options for me.

Just keep her on her toes. Tinder in this country used to be the absolute fucking best thing in the world. Back in the golden days of Tinder, which was about five or six years ago, you'll have never had an experience on Tinder, right? Never. I'm pre-Tinder. Do you feel like you missed out there? Because Natalie's obviously a very beautiful woman and the best that you'd ever be.

And I don't think there are any Nathalies on Tinder. That's like a shiny Charizard. You can't call them that. You can't call them shiny Charizards. She wouldn't be a shiny, let's be honest. So yeah, I definitely wouldn't have met Natalie on Tinder, for sure. And she definitely wouldn't have met Natalie on Tinder for sure. And she definitely wouldn't have swiped on us. But I did tell her didn't I when she went,

Guy you know on Tinder do you swipe left or right for to accept someone? I was like I don't know and she went that's the right answer. I was like fuck. My first Tinder experience, first time I ever had a good one was in Australia. It was in Adelaide that year that you, me and Jimmy were there. And I didn't know what it was, because you've always been pitched the idea of what Tinder was, was it like-

Yeah, we just ended up putting a revolving door on the hotel room that day. It was a big day. All in one day. There was a, it wasn't pitched as a fucking hookup website, it was basically, it was meant to be like this dating app, which was, you swipe left or right, but everyone was just like, it's just a hookup website.

It's better than Plenty of Fish, it's better than all this other stuff people there know what it's for and um you always never want to assume with these things so i went on a date with this girl we met we spoke for a bit and literally about an hour into it she was like should we go back two years and i was like i beg your pardon she was like let's go back and have sex and i was like what oh before you wanted to play fifa She was like, let's go back and have sex. And I was like, what? Oh, before you wanted to play FIFA?

What kind of bullshit is this? I'm trying to make friends, fuck. That's actually how I met Koda. He was the only other person up there wanting to play FIFA. Grossly, she was like, yeah. But yeah, she just took it straight back and we had sex and you and Jimmy sat outside the door listening to us having sex.

Put a glass to the door. So you're putting Tinder in, what's good about Australia? I don't know how it is anymore. But it used to be, like, and I mean that in a sense, like, I've had the, I don't know what it's like having sex with men in Australia, yet. But, no, I think it's one of these countries I've had the, I don't know what it's like having sex with men in Australia, yet. But, you know, I think it's one of these countries where you just seem, I don't know, this might be wrong,

but you seem very sort of liberal with your genitals. And also liberal in the way that liberal means in the rest of the world. Not Australian liberal. The Liberal Party hates gay people. And you're like, that doesn't sound very liberal. Are you doing the opposite of slut-shaming? Is it slut-approving? Absolutely.

Is it slut-approving on Australia? Yeah, you've got the best slut guys. No, you've just got this carefree attitude of being like, yeah, sometimes I want to have sex. And I'm like, sometimes you do want to have sex. Because now, one of the many reasons I left Tinder was just, I just got bored of it. But you had so many people on it who in their fucking bios was like,

not here for a one night stand. And you're like, get off the one night stand app then. Like it's here for, you've got all the other people. And those people like poisoned it. Those people come in and took a hook up app and tried to meet their husbands or wives. There was an amazing fucking thing which was just a bunch of like minded people just being like, sometimes you want to meet someone who's fun to talk to, where you can sort of vet them beforehand, have a conversation, make sure they're not a psycho, make sure that the conversation after the sex is going to be fucking interesting and fun.

But ultimately, you go on this half-time sex wheel, and then a bunch of fucking, well, a bunch of people fell in love on it, because they were like, here's a like-minded person, this is great, they fell in love. And then a bunch of losers started fucking hearing it. And we're like, oh my God, Sarah met Johnson on it, it's dating app, and then these fucking nerds came in there with their fucking chastity belts. Is it funny how internet dating, I don't know, in my life, I know I'm a bit older than you,

in my lifetime for sure, internet dating used to be the creepiest fucking taboo thing ever. You're fucked up if you meet someone off the internet and then it just become like actually the better way of meeting someone I think it's the opposite, me and my wife were childhood sweethearts I'm like oh god, we're in the body if you meet someone on the internet before you actually have your first experience with them you've kind of pulled a file on them you've done a little bit of background research you've checked through i can't wait until you get an actual daytime tv wholesome spot

and you sell out for money and all of these quotes come back to haunt you it's the one it's the one thing holding me back from the one show. So I've got, oh, still putting in compliments about Australia. I've done all of my three. Right. And they were all sincere as well. I really like it, traffic lights,

when it's building up and building up and then the green man comes, it's like the battle of the bastards. I really just like running into a throng of people and fearing for my life and just fucking bite down on my gum shield this is what we play for and just thinking battles that have gum shields in

in my bed right yeah so I do quite enjoy that that's fun just kick a quarter prams over I like paying $500 for coke and not knowing whether it's actually Coke. That's always a fun gamble. That first sniff is truly like a roller coaster.

You're like, oh, and there's nothing I can do about it now. I'm just going to continue to snort this because I paid for it. Just enjoy this placebo. Anything else you love about Australia? The pickles. Got good pickle juice. Man, I'm one day clean of pickle juice now. I didn't drink pickle juice last night, honestly. I've got my one day sobriety chip.

I've never... so Pickleback is whiskey and... It's whiskey followed by pickle juice. Is there any of that... no, the thing is, is it just a disgusting ensemble of drinks, or is it one of these fucking pseudoscience things? I don't know if you remember, I don't know if I remember what type of underage drinking you did, but I'm going to safely assume that you did a different underage drink than I did. I imagine you made most of your booze in the bath.

And like, good and sad. We used to just, did you ever get Goldschlager over here? No. No, alright. That's Goldschlager over here? No. No, that's where the gold bits are. Yeah, right. That's how you do it on the way drinking your

personal con. Goldschlager, not fucking the White Lightning 2020. You don't fucking, what? You don't cook fast?

No, I didn't do cook fast. I did White Lightning, I did White Lightning. You get three layers of White Lightning and then some diluted juice just in the sort of top to make it not taste like white lightning anymore.

But Goldschlager was this, I don't even know what type of drink it was, but it had gold flakes in it and the rumour amongst all the kids was like the reason the gold flakes are in it is so they cut your throat as they go down and then it makes the alcohol get to your bloodstream more and it makes you drunker. And I remember being 17, like, I hung over and explaining this to my dad, a scientist. And he'd be like, and the gold cuts your throat when it goes down and then it seeps into your bloodstream. Because you're a pussy? He was just like, he was like, first of all, do you think gold cuts things? And I was like, yes. And he goes, okay, first of all, you're not my son.

So I go, do you think people would sell a drink where it cuts your throat with shit? And I was like, maybe. I don't think it mentions it. You never drank Goldschlag? Yeah, and I've heard that rumour, but obviously you know it's not true. It's quite a no-brainer, isn't it,

that that's not what happens? I was drunk when I was 16. We used to do things called gas chambers, wait for it. isn't it that's not what happens i was i was drunk and i was 16. it was a very it means it should really we do things called the gas chambers wait for it um when you get a sambuca and you light the top of this and you'd like the top of the simple obviously you just really have a flaming sambuca no no no so you then you gotta cut you get a glass and then you hold it over the uh over the top of the sambuca so it stops at the light and that turns into some sort of gas then you put a straw you do a shot of thing, then you put a straw to suck up the

fucking, I don't know what it is, CO2 or Nerf gas or something. Gives you a fucking light head. Did you have a fucking lab coat on? I was drinking with a lab coat on. Hair all wearing. I was peaking from the muck that's on. So this pickle juice thing it's like it's two things that are disgusting on their own but they kind of weirdly bear in mind I've never drank them sober it's not like I go in at like 10 in the morning and have them with me breakfast and so I have one it's whiskey and it's like that's gross after that it's pickle juice and that's gross and then the cane and bellum you go wait a minute so to get an example they do they are delicious yes i kept getting other people at the bar for a second opinion yeah but i had to get one as well if i'm getting them one because in my head what was happening is you were just going to people like i

would like a pickleback please and you'd give them a shot of whiskey and you do your job and not tell them and then so you were just staying sober for the entirety of the thing it's just getting high off of your own pretending to be drunk just to keep up with the song. What were you going to move on to? Does anyone have any, hands up if you have a suggestion for Michael Corden? Because otherwise there's no point in moving on. We've got at least one.

Who can let us bring on our first guest? Nicholas? Do you want to jump on? No, I can. Tough. Got him. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Mr. Nick Corden! tough obviously we will and as always comes to come sit in the middle no it's not true just hand me that thing yeah yeah yeah yeah copy against the podcast and we'll ignore everything we'll just dub it afterwards hello no Tina had to

work at Mike yeah it's good about just say it's been very interesting for the your dad jokes I don't know I had Nick Cody's down there from the center there so yeah all of Nick Cody's that face. I can look right into his eyes. Let's be honest, how good is a proper accent finally on this show? Somebody's a Nate Mabber 4711 copy. It's always good when you stumble on that. Yeah, it's like off-sade isn't it? It doesn't matter how good the joke is, it's like it's just been really you stumble on that. Yeah, it's like offside isn't it? It doesn't matter how good the joke is, it's just been really offside.

It's like a typo when you're fucking slamming someone on WhatsApp. Fuck, I typoed. You just want the AR to come in. It was a good joke, but it doesn't technically count. I was here at 6am, so it's good to be back. Yeah, were you up having fun with... I was having a good bloody night. Yeah.

My wife and son have gone away for Easter to her family's place and said you can have the house to yourself. Yeah, that sounds like a divorce. I'm like, do you need to take

all your clothes? Why do I have to sign a piece of paper if you don't know what I'm doing? It's denial one of the stages of grief. No, I am not.

That's the kind of stage you are. But I honestly thought, because I've started this job in breaking radio, I go back Tuesday, I've had the week off, and I thought, fuck, I've got the opportunity to sleep. Like, I can, Saturday night, shut, finish, go straight home, have a good sleep. And then my DNA said, are you fucking serious?

You know what you're about. Calling it day there's a weird name for you dad you try to get to never knock on like a drink I'll tell you what state of it I was just holding both of these and I thought which one be a sick I'm so big slurred with a mic. Uh, could you have a Muggle Corner suggestion? What was your name first of all? Danny. Danny. Strong fucking name. Yeah, I don't like it. Yeah, it makes us feel sick. Me too.

I hope the next person we come to is actually cream. What's your suggestion, Danny? Uh, Muggles show podcast catchphrases at the hosts. All right, all right, all right. Linda! Linda! He's tried nothing. So just put that into the microphone

so the people at home can listen to it. Muggles shout out podcast catchphrases. I don't know if we have that many catchphrases. Linda! Linda, obviously. We have your pieces. It's not really a catchphrase. it's not like I say it every episode. It's not like, it's not a catchphrase in the sense it's not like you'd be like, have you, you know, have you seen the new Marvel Club, Marvel movie? No, I haven't. Fucking hell, where have you been since I'm 11? It's not my, what are you talking about? He's got theme songs mixed up with catchphrases. What's your favourite part of Friends? Well no one told you like,

Oh it's gonna be this way. They do it every show. I've not been to enough podcasts recording with people. I guess at the Dum Dum Club podcast, there's a lot of... See you, mate. Yeah, see you, mate. It's always good to put the shaky camp with the beer in front of the laptop.

Are the Dum Dum Clubs there, like, the last course, like, best day ever? Prove it, prove it, prove it. Best day ever. Best night ever. Yeah, best night ever. He doesn't... He's just not a day walker.

I would assume that most of the thing... Anything that's considered a catchphrase on this show that you absolutely should not shout out in public for them. I feel like most of my catchphrases will be something... I think Linda's the only thing people shout at us. Oh right, and Linda. And they shout at Linda. It's a poor thing that your brother still doesn't understand what the joke is, but it's

become so common. But she doesn't understand what a podcast is. But she does understand... You know, my mum's never used the internet. What? My mum... the joke is but it's become so common. She doesn't understand what a podcast is. She never knows. But she does know. You know my mum's never used the internet. What? My mum never used the internet.

How have I seen all of those videos already? Now it's come to a covered can. But it's such a weird thing. It's like going, oh I just don't use roads. Yeah, not for me. Never used the internet. It's like a big part of the social infrastructure of the world, ma'am. No, not for me.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Never used the internet.

It's like a big part of the social infrastructure of the world, man. No, not for me. She's never used it. She thinks me dad's Google, because she asks him to Google stuff and he comes up with, he's an Alexa, basically. Kev? Yeah.

He's just so upset, man. Just be, Kev, Kev, what is the capital of Nairobi? Oh, that's the capital of Egypt. Never mind. What's not the capital of Nairobi? Nairobi is in Kenya. I don't even think it's the capital of it.

That's not the capital. Wait, Kenya? Well, no, fuck that. It's 12 in the afternoon. It's Nairobi in Africa. Do's like, we'll be in Africa. Do you know how many people are going to call the nurses and go, sorry, we broke up over this dumb cunt special.

God, no, you were in Egypt. Why did we listen to this man? Do you know what I'm talking about? To be fair, that is the problem with this podcast. It's one thing, it's the great equal equalizer because they didn't realize how much... A lot of the things about Jigsaw, a lot of them have been fucking mean.

There's that one clip where they've cut out all of the fucking jokes. It's one clip and it's just my one self-love bit. And they've just taken that without any of the fucking jokes. And it's getting millions and millions and millions of shares and i'm like that's not what i do that's please no don't that's not that's not what i'm saying please for the love of god stop it's just me being like believe in yourself i'm like no no no no no that's out of context i'm like oh there's a context i like this sexy young dr phil i just want to say it took me about 45 minutes to cut those clips man Contact! I like this sexy young Dr. Phil.

I just want to say, it took me about 45 minutes to cut those clips, Matt. It's fucking... There's people who just come to the show, especially to fucking this year's show, where you can just see, you know, they think it's going to be a self-love show as opposed to... Yeah, you would assume that like yeah recent successes there is double your audience rate but what you've done is it your life shows you've actually broke everybody up and they've come back with a new partner do it it was your life sure yeah I'm just gonna be like a Premier League match home and away

It's gonna be like a Premier League match, home and away. The fans are separated. You and your new partner sit on this side, and you and your new partner sit on this side. It would be a fucking great, maybe that's what I'll do is, cause I reckon there might be some fallout for Jigsaw in the fucking future. Like let's say in the fucking, you know,

cause breakups are always good when you first do them, but sometimes they can suck after two months. At least you've got sensitive people coming. I had a clip about a staffie go viral and fuck me the tip rats that have turned up. Oh, get in. He just said about this is our boy. They're like, hold on, he's making fun of bogans the whole time. Oh man. Fishing for Bogans. If you want to have a good laugh, check in the comment section under the Steffi clip and you can see just how many different ways the name Brydon can be spelt.

I thought there was four, I'm up to thirty I think. How is there a W in there? That's a start with BWR! I do reckon, and I don't mean this as an insult but it will come across as one. I think Australia, because that's the way I talk. I do think Australia would be the first country in the world that has a child that is named after an emoji. Like with an emoji in the name. Read not a pistol. Just call your son O-regime. His flash emoji.

Just in the hopes that he grows up to be fit. Oh, low battery. Oh, fuck. We can have this one. We can... Oh. To get back to Dad's Michael Kors thing, I'm assuming...

You're dead. Yeah, sorry. You're dead. It's fully dead. Oh, well. This is exactly how I expected this podcast to go. We'll harmonise, Cody. I can't necessarily say for certain that it's on this fucking podcast,

because none of you have shouted out anything yet, but I would admit that it is. It's joining in on something that you don't necessarily need to join in on. And I think in podcasts it would arguably be a form of heckling if somebody just heckles with random shit. It's like stuff you've said before, like if I was on stage. It's like when people shout at your own fucking jokes. Look at this, you're missing this, he's got that trembling thing.

Nah, but nobody's fucking there. It looks like you got electrocuted before the connection. It's like a mash-up. A mash-up of Muhammad Ali and MacGyver. The show that nobody wants. Ben, did we get more batteries for the...

Oh, he's on. He's working. Cool. Thanks, dude. I didn't even realise that you could just fight with a coverage method of the

Ramon laughter which explains what you were talking about? And you're retort? He's the bit, Mike. Would you, from my corner, would you agree on putting that one in there? Yeah, I think so. Like, yeah. I think it's, yeah, it's not an...

I think it would be way more muggly if you like, shouted out a podcast. Because if you shout out a podcast catchphrase out of podcasts, at least everybody in the audience knows what the fuck you're talking about. But you know if you went to the person's live show and shouted it out, it would be niche for the majority of the audience who wouldn't get it. I think that would be like fucking crossing the line from Mugly to just being a dick. That being said, my problem is there have been times during live shows where I've used the name Linda as part of a joke.

And whenever I say Linda and the podcast fans shout out Linda I like that, I like that. I like that a lot. I take back everything I said. I'd love to be wrong, at least once. I'm not going to put that in because I don't want to set a precedent of our psycho fans. I don't want them to just be sat there just wanting to live their lives but scared of being muggles. I hear when people go, they're probably going to think this is muggly, but then they start chatting. I hate it when the preambulance, like, we made them nervous, that we're putting them in the corner.

But we're, hi Jo. Hey babe. Are you still mad at this? No, I love you. Yeah. We all love them. So Jo, were you one of the ones that was sleeping on the couch when we came in? I have no idea what you're talking about. That would be... I could have phrased it worse. I could have said, are you the one that was sleeping with Chris Franklin when we walked in? With him in proximity. They were on separate couches. Anyway, Dan, are you putting in the recording? No, I think it's good DM she did. Support. I would say, no, I'm thinking you. Congratulations, Daniel. You're the first ever rejected Muggle Corner. Why did you even turn?

I just got a thought out there, Muggles get Muggle Corners for me. Yeah! One more Michael, the fucking dog! It's just so hard to leave the bar. Cheers, mate. Do you have any Muggle Corners at all? Because we need to bring on another guest. Do you have any Muggle corners at all? Because we need to bring on another guest.

I think Muggles expect their babies to remember too much stuff. Thankfully, it's Easter today, and my wife just goes, I was like, you're going away, but Easter, it's his first Easter. She's like, he doesn't know. Respect. So I'm just going to boil that down and paraphrase. My wife's a muggle. That's what you said,

wasn't it? No, no, no. He's not a muggle. I was the muggle. Oh, fuck, I thought I was the muggle. I was him. Oh, fuck, you're the muggle. Yeah.

My mum's had four kids and she raised three of them successfully. He was talking about himself and she's doing a good job, Josie. There's like the childhood book of me, which is like all my first words and all the fucking first... She's got like the first three weeks of everything I ate for every fucking meal, right? And with Josie there's a lot of pictures of her and obviously the hospital tags on the arm. By Matthew there's about seven pictures of him before he was two. And then with Jack, we went through Jack's photos of when he was a baby. And apparently by my side it was okay because you just forget that point, so you she was a baby. And apparently my mum felt so good because she just, before we get to that point, she stopped giving a shit.

No photos of him exist except for one photo that we later worked out. It's just a photo of baby me again. She's just one of the followers from unless the family is. It's Daniel's house as well. He's got like, you know,

the like height chart markers on the wall, on the doorframe. And it goes up until like 20 and then they just keep like adding the ages to it. When he stops they just keep doing it. Josie's was just the height of her wheelchair the whole time. And now it's underground. I had to take up the foundations of the house.

They're in the wine cellar. If you don't laugh, you'll cry. Right, we'll sub you out at the moment, if that's okay. Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Coyne! Welcome back, Nick. Welcome back, Patrick. For those of you asking where I learned to be such a good host, Look at my partner, Luke Hagee! Look at my partner, Luke Hagee! For those of you asking where I learned to be such a good host, it's from my many appearances on Conan. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Luke Hagee, fucking you tell about it. Luke Hagee! Yay! I've been training with this man every day.

Training beast. Training want. Kissing, just do shit. Lift weights, can I tell? I'm looking hench. I can tell. Here's my thing about Luke Hagee. We met your brothers the other day.

Oh yeah, everyone did. Yeah, and lovely, lovely bloke. People are still coming after me and saying, I met your fucking brothers the other night. Yeah, and I think the reason people are talking to you about it so much is just because I was expecting, in the sitcom that I've written for you, you were the most classy of the three Bogans.

It's funny that if I think Heggie's a bit of a fucking Lusciana rough gun, but his brothers are way worse. They're just literal Neanderthals. They just eat chocolate off of their fucking fists and whatnot. It turns out that you're the scumbag of the family. Yeah, that's a good sign. yn ystyried syniadau neander, fel eu bod yn bwyta cioclwt ar eu ffistiau a phethau eraill. Mae'n diweddar ei fod chi'r gynhyrch o'r teulu. Ie, mae hynny'n dda. Mae'r frwydr chi'n siarad Swahili? Ie. Ydym yn disgwyl i'w blant ddod i mewn â'r un o'r cams gyda'r ddau bia-cams.

Ie, ac mae'r frwydr arall yn cael ei ddrin o'r straff eraill. O'i cathedr. other brother to be drinking from the other straw. From his catheter. Because you speak, your brother speaks Swiggy Lee. Yes. You speak French? Yeah. Prue French? Oui. Poudou Francais? Swahili, a Swahili natural language? Yeah. Oh wait a minute, I thought it was like, say, gobbledygook? I thought it was like the gibberish. No, no, no. The two languages of the world is English and gobbledygook. So, Healy is, um...

It's interesting. He speaks it when he's... They speak it in Nairobi. Excellent. That was from a fan, but I said it into the microphone, so I said that. Welcome to the key to my success. Stop showing them catchphrases. He's speaking in Nairobi. I will not have that become a catchphrase. I absolutely fucking feature this immediately.

Yeah, but he speaks it when he gets drunk, which is weird. I absolutely fucking feel this immediately. Yeah, but he speaks it when he gets drunk, which is weird. Actually he doesn't speak it. No he does. But he starts speaking it here when he's drunk. He'll just go up in front of a black person and start speaking it right here and he's like... And I'll go, where the fuck are you? But sometimes it works out. He's being bashed more than me. Just by genuinely trying to spark a conversation.

I imagine you're closer to him than me when it comes to fights. I imagine you've been in a few scraps. No, none that I've started. Until you've finished. Off. Yeah. Have you knocked cunts out? No, I haven't knocked cunts out. No, he has.

Yeah, right. No, I'm not a thug. No? Just a verbal one. Yeah. Yeah. But that still gets you batched every now and then. Oh, no, I'm a big believer in it.

You can hurt people more with words, but if you do, they'll definitely fucking hurt you. It's because it's lasting damage. Cody had really, not Cody, Higgy had put a dad strength when he joined with the gym. He had been training for five weeks and he just jumped in and he was practically on the same weights immediately, just fucking lifting bricks all week. You think lifting bricks is dad strength? They just love doing some man shit, you know what I mean?

It's not a lot of actual men in comedy that was there. Like I'm not... Like in the real world, I'm a fucking pussy. I easily get bashed on any works I walk onto. I come into comedy and go, this guy's a fucking... Yeah, that's what I like when I played football with comedians. I've always been like the shittest

footballer. I don't want to be mates and then I play with comedians and I'm like, I'm pretty'm pretty good these guys don't get picked in sport i you are entering into a job that's predominantly you know to dominate i had no idea yeah that was the case no they are a bunch of absolute spacks cardigan comedians sweet Sweethearts, though. You don't want them if it starts kicking off in a bar. You don't want to look around and see, that's their crew. They're sweethearts, but because they have to be.

You look around and you're like, oh, fucking, thank God, James Acaster and Phil Wang are here. This is going to be like a Western. Do you have any muggle corners at all? I've just lumped this on you. Oh sorry, uh... I've got one in reserve if you can see. I think I might have put it in before, but I'm gonna put it in because it happened last night. I went to watch the Tottenham Man City game up the road.

I've got my headphones on because I'm walking between gigs and shit. And this bloke just come up and went, Do you play the guitar? Are you a DJ or something? I was like, nah. He was like, what's the headphones for then? I'm like, fucking listen to music, dickhead. I'm sorry they didn't fit in me pocket. I just think it's the muggliest shit to call someone out. By the way, boss headphones. Sponsors of the podcast. I'd say probably people taking a football and a felt pen to the football like hoping they'll meet someone they can sign

are you calling all children muggles? no like adults adults doing it adults not accompanied by a child yeah I'll give you that the one that always does my head in is when you see at the end of football matches it happens in American sports games as well

one of the players will just take off their shirt and they go to the audience. I think it's a very nice thing when they just give it to a kid or something because you've got no idea what that is. What's that, mate? Just give them the laundry. Yeah.

But when they throw it out and you see fucking grown men leaning across kids with disabilities to be like, I fucking love Ronaldo. And it's like, yes, but you get to enjoy Ronaldo for the next 20 years. I was racking my brain or something. You just looked and was expecting me. Are you talking about Ozzy Rosewater or any fucking sports in general?

Any of them. I did do a gig and there was fucking grown men lining up for Wayne Carey's signature. Who's Wayne Carey? Like an old school thug from your foot. Could we just have the Ken from the back? So I'm going to assume he was both racist and violent. His Wikipedia page reads like a rap sheet. That's amazing. What's he done? Oh heaps man, have a look. On his football sticker he's written up a number.

He's like smashed it. Well this isn't a crime, it sounds like he's smashed champagne into his own head. He doesn't listen to the podcast does he? Um, fuck. Uh, rooted his teammate's wife. Oh yeah, that's right. In their wedding possibly. Wade Carey. See, well no, he was depressed,

so there's only one cure for that. I thought he just showed, on the podcast there, I thought he just showed how he fucked his teammate's wife at his wedding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which, to be fair,

if he had depression, that would cure my depression. If I had depression and I fucked Natalie, no, never mind. But yeah, he was at his gig and he had to do, I don't know, Q&A and shit. It was nausea. There's fucking 50-odd men lining up to get their footballs signed by him. I signed someone's football just because I saw it on the table.

And then I just put my name across the whole thing. Yeah. Toto, can we just give you his nicknames? His two nicknames are The King, cool, absolutely fine, and Duck. That's what everyone says when he walks in the room. Yeah, like, it's the king. Duck! Danny goes to the swimming in whicheds to get the speedos afterwards. Yeah, he's special. He's nothing compared to rugby league.

Oh my god. But he's done some stuff. So basically, this is Wikipedia play. So you've got early life, playing career, 1989-2004. Australian Football Hall of Fame, very impressive. Legacy, statistics, post-playing career. Then, scandals, domestic violence, arrests and drug abuse. This is a section. That's a drop-down menu.

I cannot choose. And then... Ooh. That is very impressive. Kerry was attempting to visit Bar 1 prison in February 2012 to speak to indigenous inmates as part of a mentoring programme. However, he was found

to have traces of cocaine on his clothing following a routine drug scan. Kerry was informed that he could end at the prison if he went into strip-sharing and he declined it and then left the correctional facility. So he was trying to smuggle drugs in while doing a talk to prison. That's why he's called the Kane. And you know why he had to do that? Because he was doing that community service because, how's this for a sentence, glassed his partner on a cocaine-filled bender in Miami. So, he had to do community service to inmates at this place

because he glassed his partner on a coke bench in Miami. And they're like, hey look, we just think you'd be the right person to come in here and explain to these inmates why this isn't the right thing to do. He's like, absolutely. Gonna bring them a bunch of coke. Any Australian in Miami is up to no fucking clue. There's no reason to be there. Yeah, fucking glass in someone's cold, man. Like, you know when you're drinking and you're just like,

I'm gonna turn this into a weapon. It's a fucking brutal shit, that thing. Do you think people eat glass? Do you think they finish the drink and then do it? Or it's just whatever? 100%. I reckon a much, I reckon a much people with a glass they just have that thing and be like well I'm not going to waste it I'll take it through with life but I'm not gonna waste a pint Glass shouldn't be a verb

It should always be a noun Now should we stop now? Well no let's get a clarification on the Muggle Corner Oh what was the Muggle Corner? It was eh, there's taking? Let's get a clarification on the muggle corner. Oh, what was the muggle corner? There's taking a football to sign an adult. If it's for a kid, if it's for a kid... Or someone of, you know, illness. Anyone fucking placing themselves below another human is disgusting.

Or just coming in... You're saying that in front of people who pay to see this like doing that immediately is the most disgusting thing to me just got you never been starstruck no man I've only ever been starstruck once no but properly properly properly star-struck with Conor McGregor I met my core he was on a colonel's don't visit and the guy JP that runs it was like I'm joining for join me Connor knows like 100% but like I'll just like give me time and I went to because I didn't want to bother him because he was doing the show and he's Conor McGregor and I didn't want to annoy him in any way and then and then after the show he came up to me and he was so nice and he was so friendly

and I had every word I ever knew left my head like I just knew nothing and he's like hi man he goes so you're a comedian I was like yeah Yn y bryd hyn, roedd yn dweud, a ydych chi'n gomedig? Ac rwy'n dweud ie, ie. Fel y gallwch chi weld. A roedd Jim yn dweud, a ydych chi'n dda? Ac rwy'n dweud, wel, wel, wel. Ac roedd yn dweud, o, hwyl, hwyl. Ac rwy'n dweud, a George, ydych chi wedi bod yno? Ac roedd yn cwmio fy ngwlad. Ac roedd yn dweud, o, ydych chi'n Iwerddon? Ac rwy'n dweud ie. Ac roedd Jim yn gorfod i fynd i fyny i fyny ac yn dweud, nid. Nid, nid, nid, nid, nid, nid.

Roedd yn fawr iawn am JP yno. Roedd yn dweud, ffyc, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was like, no, no, no. He was so grateful for J.P. there, because he was like, fuck, I was about to style it out. I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Scotch. And Connor's like, oh, okay. But you signed the autograph, so I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. James was like, no, no, you don't.

I was like, no, no. I like something different stuff. Did you ask him for an autograph? I got full with him. Oh, it's the most awkward thing. It's like, cause he's just doing that thing that fighters always do, which is fucking hold your fist up there like that. And then it's just me, like, just

trying not to get in the way of it. He's holding it up there and I'm like, I've never been punched before. And the last person I wanted to be punched with for the first time is Conor fucking McGregor. See? Sorry mate, I've got your back. I'm your bro. Conor McGregor touches you. He gets me into them. Fucking bullshit, he walks around like a fucking superhero.

It's absolutely diabolical behaviour that I have. Well, so bad. Yeah, alright. Luke Heggy! And now onto Bart Freemant! While I have been training every day with Luke Heggy, I have been playing Dungeons & Dragons every day with Bart Freemant. Hey!

Two worlds collide. I wish I was training. You don't strike me as someone who's been in a fight. I've been in... how do you think I got these scars? He's got a broken arm by the way. He fell off his bike and I just want to add in he's T-tall. He's T-tall and it was the bike at the gym. Yeah.

It was a spin cycle. I was trying to king hit the world. So I only go for opponents way bigger than me. I'm not a pussy. King hit is the old school term for coward punch. Yeah, yeah. They had to re-land it because... Is it not to do with the guy,

the American football player? The American football player? The American football player? The AFL player. I don't know if it is. Kinghead? No. I still like him. Duckhead.

I know you all know this, but for non-Australian podcast listeners, there was a thing, it's called the carrot punch in Australia and it used to be... was it like a trend of just bogus punching people in the back of the head? It's a deep, long, rich history. Is it's just got used to be called and the king here because it's best one that kills people so she just wanted to if you hate someone in a pub you brought up mine and just swing to the back of their head choose whether or not to the fence it's called power punch because it's you know it's a cowardly thing now reserved exclusively for when you're

hitting kings no that's why the queen's holding on for so long because once she dies charles is going to be the one to do it yeah you're just licking the back of her head you probably get high. All the glue. Have you ever been in any actual fight? No, I've been in a couple. A couple at school, and then if I see an old lady look at me wrong, I'll bash the fuck out of her. Hey, that's...

They've been alive for too long. And every... Just remember, regardless of where you are in the world, if you see an old person, even if they're not from the uk they did vote for brexit yeah 100 yeah yeah yeah yeah that's all that's what i went through every old person in the world voted for brexit that's why they won yes they got all of the votes from all the pensioners across the globe i think the last fight i was in was probably just after high school got into a scuffle did you haven't been in one for years i have I keep getting him into

fights is my one all right again is it getting me into a fight in Slovenia and a fucking hostel with a Russian was probably the fucking yeah it should have done that I was it was like I imagine it was like just being like the old-school fucking Robin like you know the really useless one with the wee fucking gold hot pants. I've never felt more wanted in all my life. Do you stand in the corner going, kapow, bam, wackaroo. No I just sit there because normally the reason I don't train in any sort of form of martial arts is because I don't have the discipline that people do train in martial arts. I know that if I know how to kick the shit out of someone,

I will be in jail within a week. Because the only thing that stops me from knocking the fuck out of people is the fact that I can't. It's the same reason that I'll never move to America. It's not just by a gun. You have to bottle your anger. You have to bottle it, you can't let it go. I can't let this stuff happen.

So you're saying that if you did start training, you would be the best in the world? No, no, no, no. I can't let this stuff happen. So you're saying that if you did start training, you would be the best in the world? No, no, no, no. I would just, the second I knew I had to beat someone the fuck up, I would do it and end up in prison. The only thing that is stopping me from beating up everyone is my fucking arms.

And my fear of getting hit. I've been hit by it once. That was funny. That was really funny. You got headbutted in the face. Once you get hit a couple of times you realise it's so not fun. It's not. It's proper shit. It's not great.

That was another thing where you got headbutted. I talked in for him. I stuck up for him but I gave it a minute. Get 10 seconds in the ring. Well some guy yelled at me something homophobic and I was very very drunk so I just gave him a very long lecture about why he's like you little little bunch of faggots and I gave him a long lecture about how I'd actually much rather be gay than spend my life living like him with what horrible life he has compared to people who...

And then I captioned it and put it in about 17 memes on it and then... And then he, yeah, fucking, and then he just fucking headbanged me. By the time I woke up, I couldn't see but I didn't follow that but my vision fucking me. By the time I opened my eyes, Kai had him pinned on the ground and was just fucking kicking his fucking head and just punching his head in the ground. So I had to pull Kai off. You know what I mean? Strong enough to stop him. Strong enough to stop him.

That's what I had to do. You're like, get out of there. That's when I get my dance, right? Oh, Saint, protect the man I hate. I'm not going to do that. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. You're like, get out of there, you're like, get out of there. That's when I get my dance, right?

Oh, Saint, protect the man I hate. You meant you fell out with this? I did, I did. Because you were like, this guy was like down to the ground. He deserved to be held, you were hanging, but I pulled him off. I was like, you have to know when a fight's over. He was like, you have to know when a fight's started. And I was like, that's a very fair point.

And then I said... Then you had to pop off and you were like, I have to know when a fight started. And I was like, that's a very fair point. And then I said... Then you had a proper half and you were like, I'll see you back home. And I was like, I think he may be right about we're being gay. We're acting like a gay married couple right now. He had my finger and my wife jumped in. I don't recommend fighting ever. No?

No good. Does it not feel good to hit someone? I wouldn't know. I think, like, there's a lot of adrenaline. And then it's never clean, like you'd see in the movies where you dodge, and then someone punches, and it's perfect, and you knock them out.

It's just a lot of clothes getting ripped and torn, and you get hair ruffles. It's being pulled out of the ground. It's not on top of a train. A stray finger up an ass hole. Yeah, not on top of a train. Yeah, a stray finger up an arsehole. Yeah, not on top of a train, no. It's just tops on, yeah. It's on the showers. Yeah, you can expect it to be.

My only, the only thing I do whenever a fight starts is I just show it to me skins. That's my one proposition to every fight. Most of the time, I think a lot of it, it won't always come to blows you can bluff them someone's like oh you're fine you're like really they're like that's how you know the door on a face yeah you can bluff with size I can't bluff with the sides like here yeah why do you stop you know you know I've got

scar on your wrist and Danny's bluff would be like, karate hands. It would just be me doing this dark move for a Hadouken and then hoping they were gullible enough to believe that I could do a Hadouken. Just slowly standing on one foot with your hands. You bring a laptop with jigsaw and just play it and they break up with their wife.

Well, you run off and they're like, oh, this is quite good. Oh, actually, no, I think it's correct. Honey, we need to have a chat. Fuck, he got me! Ah! It's just like, are you that one guy from Mass Health love meme?

And I'm like, no! That's... I fucking hate that meme. Ah, I share it. Yeah, but only because you believe it. I fucking hate that name. I share it. Yeah, but only because you believe in it. You share with the captions so true. 100%.

This is a little bit of me. Should we get a Muggle Corner? Is there anyone from the audience? Oh, yes, absolutely. So Muggles are people who cut in line or do something and then pretend that they didn't know up. So basically, muggles are people who cut in queue, air quotes accidentally, pretend they didn't fucking see the queue, cut in, and then when you go, excuse me, fucking cunt, they're like, why are you being so rude?

Willful ignorance. Willful fucking ignorance. I was actually, I'm up, what was your name? Heather. Heather, I'm immediately on your side. I was talking to this essay with Gina about things of like, how... I'm just saying, Heather's the one that made the patches for us to put on our knitting, you know, their embroidery. With their team muggins, team cream.

Muggles are, I'll sort of example it a bit more. Muggles are people that don't, who are rude, but don't like, they're only aware of rudeness when it happens to them. Like, here's the thing. If there are four people walking in the fucking sidewalk, slow as fuck, that's rude as shit. are rude, but don't like, they're only aware of rudeness when it happens to them. Like, here's the thing. If there are four people walking in the fucking sidewalk, slow as fuck, that's rude as shit. But I'm the monster if behind them I go,

Ah! Like, in that situation, they know what rudeness is. They're like, fucking hell, that wasn't, I'm like, oh, is it? So there is a concept of rudeness here. Same thing if you're talking to someone and they're on their phone while they're talking to you. That's rude. But if I grab your face and make it look at me,

I'm now the fucking rude one. Everyone does have some semblance of fucking rudeness. It's only when it happens then. So this is sort of kind of watching the fucking cue. And go where you're on. Look, we've all got that temptation. Cues are shit. Well, I'm British.

I don't seem quite drunk. But you sort of, you know, you skip in there and then someone goes, excuse me. You're like, no, all got that temptation. Cues are shit. Well, I'm British. I actually quite enjoy it. But you sort of, you know, you skip in there and then somebody goes, excuse me. You're like, no, it's just you. And then you're abusive to them and they act like they're the victim. It's the standard. It's fine when I do it, but not.

What do you do about it when someone cuts in front of you, though? I've generally, I've done it in a... Put chewing gum in the hand? I think a true muggle, someone cuts in front of them and they just take it. That's a muggle.

Is that being muggle or is that just being the bigger person just feeling like it's one hooker? Like I can't, it's not even worth the interaction at this point with this horrible person. You know what I hate in this venue, it's quite like tight on the stairs to, so everyone's queuing to get their tickets served and I'll come in to do my spot

and I have to push past everybody to get up and they'll all hate my fucking guts as I'm pushing past them and then they realise when I get to the top that I'm working here and so we can go out. But then when I'm on stage they've probably already got it in their head that like, oh there's that cunt that pushed me. They have to like, they have to rid themselves of that. That's what you're blaming Lingo Laughs on. That's why I really pat myself on the back and I've still got tons of laughs. Would have been double otherwise. Yeah, imagine.

I do think it's one of the highest things wrong with me. One thing that it fucks me up is people that skip the queue because it's you just deciding about it. You're, I'm better than this. And it's going, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You don't get to nominate yourself. I delight in stopping people. Do you? Delight. Do you physically stop them?

I would step in front of them, but I'll just go, hey, what are you doing? They'll be like, oh, I'm like, back there, mate. You know? Oh, but you're not faking it. I'm like, I didn't see. Or I've had a couple of French people who are great at skipping queues. One step in front of me, he's like, oh, it's all, you know, what's the deal?

I'm like, no, everyone's lined up. Get to the back of the line. You know better. No, he doesn you know better the fucking the French man they celebrate it's a bit oh the French is the French were those a little bit yeah the Paris has this bucket it's one of those you know those people to try and pass off shit personality traces cool personality traits so it's just like hey we're pirates we're root here and you're like cool don't be like why make that a national identity you all suck you know what i'm glad you gave the cathedral burned down oh yeah oh it wasn't that good

i don't know like the church could just afford to fix it everyone's donating no fix it fix the church is like we only have a trillion dollars yeah Yeah, the fact that, yeah, that's another thing that I think would be fucking slightly migrated. But though I do get the point of it, with the, not today, but burning down, that guy that donated like 300 million to the cause, people have been like, wouldn't that be a better and a fucking charity? And you're like, oh God, like, you can't do anything right online with it. Why don't you give it to people at

fucking grenfell where people actually died all right well this is one of the times where i was kind of on the muggle side of being like i genuinely i'm not into architecture i'm not i don't give that much shit about it like i do think money would be better spent yeah you can still google it that was your thing where i was like there's there's there's like a few yeah i think at least seven yeah yeah yeah but if you get to the sixth page of it, once you get to the second page of Google, it's just pictures from the movie Right, the first page. Cartoon. Yeah, it's just him, it's Merelda and then my third page is the porn of the two of them Oh, yeah Was it rule 51?

Rule, oh fuck does anyone know the rule? If it exists, there's one of it? I think it's rule 48. 34? Rule 34 is exactly what it is. Trust that. We will also do it. That was a trap. You were a muggle. I would 100% put your thing in the corner.

Muggles, you? Yeah, I'm down. That's how it's done, Jack! I'm so sorry, Dad. You're not allowed to laugh. Right, I think it's time for your dad jokes. Oh, you're done! So can we get both Nick and Luke and Katie Marks, are you here? Yay! Welcome everyone to the stage.

I'll stand up and... I'll sit down here. I'll sit down here. A sydd gen i? A sydd gen i? A sydd gen i? A sydd gen i? A sydd gen i? A sydd gen i? A sydd gen i? A sydd gen i? A sydd gen i? A sydd gen i?

A sydd gen i? A sydd gen i? A sydd gen i? A sydd gen i? uh okay the first well not the first ever you understand the first ever oh cool um you know you can share this one yeah great uh bart your dad pays a sex worker to come around every morning after breakfast to burp him him. Alright, I'm gonna there's two. All right, um, Kai, your dad thinks he's been on TV.

He was watching TV and he saw someone on it who looked vaguely like him and he was like, oh, that's me. And ever since he's told everyone he's been on TV. Start doing a PDF page. But your dad nances his anal products with a hot spatula. That's true. Kai, your dad told everyone he did F45 and was sad to find out it didn't mean fuck for 45 seconds. Look, your dad is dead and this is how your mum wanted me to tell you.

Kai, your dad calls his cum pickle juice. Well, the pickle doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? But your dad has an OCD, that means he has to cross the road whenever there's a green man, even if that's not the way he's headed. He's currently on the Trove Street, but he's meant to be here. Me? Yeah, man. All right, Danny. As if there's an order.

Danny, your dad swims and dances exactly the same. Your dad swims and dances exactly the same. Brass truck. Carey, your dad gets on a peak hour bus with a fishing rod and a bucket. Yeah, that's my dad. Sloss, your dad shits and pisses from the same hole like a bird. Kai, your dad's main sexual fantasy is to stick his dick in the middle of a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. He's just like, go get it, slut.

Luke, your dad wears a belt with his bathers. Daniel, your dad shaved his head for charity, but not the top of his head, just the back of his head. He basically just got a sponsored haircut. Luke, your dad still doesn't understand where you came from sloth when your dad was metal detecting at can't spell boobs on a calculator. Katie, your dad goes to charity shops to buy underwear. Not to wear, just to smell the crotches of the dead. crotches of the dead.

Alright. Nick, your dad's pin code is 80085. Nick, your dad, Jeff, his ballet dancing career ended when he tore his crucian knee a little bit. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda.

Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda.

Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. When he comes back in, he can't speak until he does the thing. He has to hold that sign. I am now going to sit down and I'm going to... That's when he had constipation and he called out my dog shit. Really, I missed that.

But your dad calls them numchucks and he has some. numchucks and he has some. Sloss, your dad drives an automatic but he keeps his hand on the stick. Nick, you drive an automatic? I do. Two hands on the wheel like a legend. Cody, your dad says he's a squirter during sex so either

he doesn't know what it means or he's very ill. Daniel, your dad makes cups of tea solely with the microwave. Dry bag, water, two minutes. Put this spoon in there as well. We've got so many houses. Can I make a cup of tea? We're not insured! But your dad can't sneeze without farting and he can't smell his old fart

but only his tummy rumbling so sprinkle pepper under his nose and he becomes a one-man band. Luke, your dad still believes people when they put their thumb between their fingers and say they've taken his nose. And he talks noselessly until they give it back. Sloss, when your dad sees a black man, he claps twice in their face and I hope he'll turn white. My dad's fucking racist. Kai, your dad uses the luggage cling film at the airport to wrap his leftovers. Okay now, are we done?

I've got one. Go on, go on. I'll just read a little quick one. Uh, Bart, when your mum slammed the divorce papers on the table in front of your dad because he wouldn't stop acting like a cat, he didn't bring eye contact, he just slowly pushed it off the table. he didn't bring eye contact and he just slowly pushed it off the table. Kerry, your dad has a leaf blower, which he uses to fight the wind.

Take a sip, Lord. I think I'm done. Kerry, your dad's got a rocking horse and his mum came for a nap. He painted the earth with emulsion. How about you? Your dad, Kai, can't wait for the third comeback so he can continue his ongoing battle with a coconut. He's sure he's going to knock it off one day. Cody, your dad wears his sex-instructed

first-lesson free T-shirt in front of his wife. Cody, your dad wears his sex-instructed first-lesson free t-shirt in front of his wife. Sloss, your dad saw the recent fire on the news and said, more like Notre Dame! Luke, your dad irons his wallet. You can just go two of you round. Alright. Oh fuck. Is it?

Oh, I've got eaves. Quick, quick, quick. Punch them out. Bart, your dad bet family savings on a dog race because the 20 to 1 outsider's name was Punky Brewster. Luke, your dad ordered Paggie 2 in an Indian restaurant and after lots of confusion they realised he was ordering Page 2. So your dad has a tattoo of Muhammad?

Hi, your dad follows through on 75% of his farts. Like father, like son. Your dad spent a fortune at a ventriloquist convention because he thought he kept offering to buy everyone a drink. Sloss, your dad went to a barbecue he wasn't invited to and told a woman he'd never met to shut up and turn the sausages over. Luke just listens to things he does. Sloss, this is my last one.

Your dad hates Santa because once he put Dyson on his Christmas list, but then your sister died instead. LAUGHTER And... And... And scene. And that's a wrap, Corey. Thanks for taking it into the ground. Six feet into the ground. I do feel like that's the best way to end this.

We have all got... I'm plugging to these now because you guys are here. Actually we've all got shows tonight right? Maybe you can see us tonight. Don't come tonight. I always forget I should make the last show of the festival $2.50. This is what you get. Bart, you have a show tonight?

Oh, no show. For the listeners, we're all in Sydney. For the people listening online. We're good at Googling. Luke, you got a show tonight? Yeah, I've got two shows tonight, in fact. The Western Hotel and the European Beer Cafe. We're not full.

Get in. Well, Pastor, thank you all very much for coming to the first episode. I haven't got a show tonight. Do you? No. Oh, no. Good. You don't come to my show.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. i'r cyfnod cyntaf. Dwi ddim yn mynd i'r sioe heno. Dwi'n dweud hynny. Ydych chi? Nid. Iawn, da.

Dwi'n meddwl y byddech chi'n mynd i fy sioe. Diolch yn fawr iawn am ddod. Rhaid i chi roi cymaint o awgrymiad i'r holl gyfranogwyr. Diolch yn fawr iawn am eich gweld yn y sioe. Diolch yn fawr iawn am eich gweld yn y sioe. Diolch yn fawr iawn am eich gweld yn y sioe. Diolch yn fawr iawn am eich gweld yn y sioe. Diolch yn fawr iawn am eich gweld yn y sioe.

Diolch yn fawr iawn am eich gweld yn y sioe.