Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.3 Twitter Ban

Episode Date: October 8, 2018

Cream is frozen outr of twitter after some online haters trawl back over tweets and report death threats he sent to Steve Jobs and fans of Nightmare Before Christmas. They then go on to discuss the no...tion of offence before going on to no doubt cause some with their ignorant ramblings about topics they don't know much about. But isn't that why you listen in the first place? 

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!
Starting point is 00:00:13 Are we in the same seats? That's hack Ah, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?
Starting point is 00:00:26 Right, we're rolling. That's a good start, wasn't it? Yeah, strong. Just because your shape mark took too long. Took ages, didn't it? Yeah, which brings me on to today's topic. I got banned from Twitter. Oh yeah, fucks sake you did.
Starting point is 00:00:39 Tell me about that. Well, we were up watching the Conor McGregor fight, RIP. The king is dead God is dead yeah it's a sad day today aye he got bitched like I've had
Starting point is 00:00:49 I've had such a good week right like fucking all the shows have had the Netflix effect sold out fucking rowdy audiences punch drunk gigs back home has been fucking smashing it
Starting point is 00:00:57 and then song on cloud nine and then Newcastle lose a 2-0 lead get beat 3-2 and then Conor McGregor got choked up he just got choked he got bitched like he got beat 3-2 and then Conor McGregor got choked up he got bitched
Starting point is 00:01:06 like he got beat up didn't he he did he was real bad got ragdolled and then he fucking
Starting point is 00:01:12 then it went nuts which is that bit at the end like this is when I know I'm an asshole the amount of people being like oh it's disgraceful
Starting point is 00:01:18 to support the sport I'm like nah that was cool like somebody somebody insulted your religion your family your belief system I'm like nah that was cool like somebody somebody had told your religion
Starting point is 00:01:26 your family your belief system fucking everything like your country all your fucking mates for three months and just because you're joking about it
Starting point is 00:01:34 you're like oh I guess it's over nah of course he jumped out and went to jail he beat up Conor McGregor jumped out of the cage
Starting point is 00:01:40 and started fucking beating up his corner men and everyone's there going oh this fucking oh this sport it's men and everyone's there getting all this sport I didn't get into this sport for all the fighting you can't believe in 2018 people still watch people punch each other in the face
Starting point is 00:01:53 stop being a fucking snowflake I loved it it looked like I was from a bloodlust I've got a bit of a bloodlust that fight was very very very very fucking it was just interesting
Starting point is 00:02:07 to see fucking could be through a punch aye that was the thing I'd take one actually aye good job but it was one of those things
Starting point is 00:02:13 where like it is a black eye on the sport and it shouldn't happen but oh the spectacle the WWE side of it
Starting point is 00:02:22 you're like yeah well you're not entertained I enjoyed it. Fucking jumped out of the thing. Then I'm asked, Bro, look, in what world is that not what I wanted to watch?
Starting point is 00:02:30 Yeah. Like, I was like, can I get a free dessert? I'm sorry to everybody listening that doesn't care about the UFC, but the more and after Conor McGregor fade. You've just got to be prepared
Starting point is 00:02:40 for at least another minute or two of this. Yeah, the Spectacle of it set it up for Khabib to get banned, right, which leaves the title wide open. Tony Ferguson is the rightful claim to it after beating up Pettis. So he's probably going to fight Conor for the vacant belt. And then when Khabib comes back, he fights Conor.
Starting point is 00:02:58 So it does add, like, an element of what's next to it. Aye. I don't think Conor's coming back. Why would you only a millionaire mate would you end on that though like Rousey aye
Starting point is 00:03:10 because like he still came off well didn't he because he was just dead respectful I mean he probably wasn't that would be the worst
Starting point is 00:03:16 actually after he'd been choked out he tapped his ego's bruised and then fucking someone come in and sparked him someone ran in
Starting point is 00:03:23 and punched him this just happened but you know what he threw a fucking trolley at a bus window oh aye you're getting your repercussions
Starting point is 00:03:30 nah he lives by the sword aye I mean I enjoyed it all I enjoyed it I hate people like oh it's tainting the sport it's like
Starting point is 00:03:38 alright sure with your evidence and facts but can we like don't pretend you didn't fucking enjoy it. Don't pretend the second that happened,
Starting point is 00:03:46 you turned the TV off and was like, oh God, you watched every fucking second like I did. That's what, that's what's good about sport. When shit like that happens, you will have a win. I remember being in a Newcastle match
Starting point is 00:03:55 when fucking Kieran Dyer and Lee Boyer started fighting with each other on the same team, right? And I mean, as fans, everybody was like, oh,
Starting point is 00:04:01 I'm not stopping to watch my own teammates fighting. But fuck me, was that a new story. People are talking about that, right? When Cantona jumped and kicked the Crystal Palace fan. I love that time. Do you mind when Adebayor scored against, he scored for Man City against Arsenal
Starting point is 00:04:18 and then just ran the entire fucking length of the pitch to celebrate in front of the Arsenal fans? He was in, that was the tightest moment. I've never laughed so hard. I watch that video when I'm bored sometimes, just fucking running down the pitch to celebrate in front of the Arsenal fans. He was in, that was the tightest part. I've never laughed so hard. I watch that video when I'm bored sometimes, just fucking running down the other end
Starting point is 00:04:29 and be like, I'm going to rile all you up because you're all assholes. Full of thanks to all Arsenal fans, by the way. Anything with sport, you're lover to fucking
Starting point is 00:04:38 shit hits the fan, right? You're just like, all right, okay. Like, it was fucking great. Anyway, back to me being banned for just being such a fucking rogue renegade.
Starting point is 00:04:47 Somebody, obviously, I'm going to assume, somebody that got dumped because of my show, or someone that just doesn't like the way things are going in my career, trolled through all my old tweets, right, and found somewhere that threatened violence. Now, the ways I'd threatened violence
Starting point is 00:05:04 was one of them was someone was talking about Nightmare Before Christmas they were like what do you think about it I went it's the worst movie ever made and I hope everyone who enjoys it dies or something like that so clearly that was a threat the other one was
Starting point is 00:05:19 I can't even remember doing this but this was like 7 years ago and said do Steve Jobs if I ever meet you, I'm going to beat you to death with all of the crap items you've ever made. Which again, maybe not a funny joke,
Starting point is 00:05:31 but it was seven years ago, I was young and angry, clearly my phone had broken or something. Did you add him in? No, of course I didn't. No, of course I didn't. That was because that would have been terrible, that would have just been muggly.
Starting point is 00:05:41 Yeah, yeah, yeah, just muggly. And also, right, surely at that point if I've threatened a few jobs right spoiler alert it's not a threat anymore is it
Starting point is 00:05:49 maybe maybe he thought he'd found a lead he's investigating his death so there was that one and then another one where I just kept
Starting point is 00:05:59 look I threaten to kill people every day it's part of my banner whenever somebody I did it yesterday with my mum my mum tried to pay for dinner yesterday.
Starting point is 00:06:06 If you stick your card in that table, I'm going to put you through a wall. Because she's through a wall now and Danai was on her. No, no. I just... I understand that you have to take death threats seriously. But you don't have to take
Starting point is 00:06:20 non-death threats, death threats seriously. I'm not changing... I'm not taking death threats seriously like I'm not changing I'm not taking death threats out of my version of insulting
Starting point is 00:06:29 right I've never been a fight in my life I've never had I'm not a violent person in any way shape or form right
Starting point is 00:06:34 it's funny if someone of my size and my fucking stature says to someone big I'm gonna kill you because the joke
Starting point is 00:06:40 is I obviously clearly couldn't and I obviously wouldn't that's the bit I'm not explaining that joke for the rest of my fucking life
Starting point is 00:06:45 right everyone who I threatened to kill in real life nobody's ever gone and then ran away just like hid yeah
Starting point is 00:06:54 oh no phoned the police even fucking you know I threatened to Jean all the time I threatened to kill Jean this morning
Starting point is 00:07:01 because we were just having a chat and she went how do you feel about Gregor losing and I was like I'm obviously devastated she went well I heard he was shy and I was like I'll fucking kill Jean this morning because we were just having a chat and she went, how do you feel about Gregor losing? And I was like, I'm obviously devastated. She went, well, I heard he was shy and I was like,
Starting point is 00:07:07 I'll fucking kill you. You reckon Jean's now in the middle of fucking just onto Australian authorities being like, I've been threatened with death, life's in danger. She's trying to get on
Starting point is 00:07:16 a witness protection programme to change her identity so you can't find her. But also, I was just relieved to find out that that was the worst tweet since they could find out in the past
Starting point is 00:07:24 because I've said some heinous things in my life, and I'm happy to fucking talk about this. I don't think I should be held accountable to things I said five years ago. Because the only thing that tweet proves, right, is how much I've grown since then. Yeah. That's all it is, right? To none.
Starting point is 00:07:43 Because you would totally send that tweet now. No, I don't think I would now. I think at this point I would just go... Well, because at this point I'd be like, it's not that fucking funny. And I'm better with my anger now. I'd just go, no. And also, I don't have any Apple products anymore.
Starting point is 00:07:56 And also, Steve Jobs is dead to my drinking truth. And Samsung doesn't have a face. No, it doesn't have a face, does it? Nah. Unless it does and we're just unaware. Samsung, that's his name. No! You absolute fucking spanner.
Starting point is 00:08:12 Do you think his name is Samsung? Mate, I'm going to stand by this. His name is probably something Samsung. It might be, but it's not Samsung. It's not the past fucking tense. Remember that song, yeah, the Bond movie one. What's not the past fucking tense. I'll put it over that cut. They sang the Bond movie one. Was it James Bond? That was a fucking car crash of a sentence, that was.
Starting point is 00:08:32 I don't even know what you were trying to achieve with it. Who's the name of the guy that sang... There you go, Samsung. It's not the past tense of what he does. Samsung. Okay. Wasn't worth it then. I'm glad we went there. Well, I had to explain myself.
Starting point is 00:08:43 And I've had a long day. So how did you... We'll get on to and I've had a long day so how did you we'll get on to the long day in a minute but how did your tweet go how did you sorry how did you tweet a ban
Starting point is 00:08:50 well it wasn't a ban it was a suspension so basically how did you discover it oh so just halfway through I was just on Twitter just reading all the Conor McGregor stuff
Starting point is 00:08:58 and then it just went your account's been suspended for the following tweets and I was like I read through them and I was like alright I can see why like if you're a robot those things can be perceived as a threat but if you have any
Starting point is 00:09:11 level of cognitive functions like you'll understand the joke the sentiment and the context so apparently you can just fuck it I went on the website I was just like I'm absolutely and I refuse to apologize I'll I'll and this you can hold me to up. I went on the website and I was just like, I'm absolutely, and I refuse to apologize. And you can hold me to this because I'll probably keep one day. I'll never ever apologize for a joke. I'm just, I'm not going to say that fucking president. The reason I've said this on the Bert Kreischer podcast. You'll say whoops.
Starting point is 00:09:36 All right, I'll say whoops. Whoops. But I said this on the Bert Kreischer. I didn't achieve what I wanted to achieve, whoops. All right, I fucked up. I made a mistake. I'll say that, I'll hold my hands up. I was saying this on the Bert Kreischer podcast podcast the reason i'll never apologize for a joke is
Starting point is 00:09:48 the reason you want me to apologize isn't for any good reason right if i've upset you with a joke what's happened is for a brief moment in time i had a bit of power over you right i made you scared i annoyed you there was something i did or said that affected you and i had power over you and you didn't like that you hated that loss of power and you hated that loss of. Whenever you say you fucked up or you said this thing and it's upset me, I should be allowed to just say, okay, I've taken what you said on board. I understand where you're coming from and I'm going to go through to extended efforts to make sure that I don't make that same mistake ever again. I'm going to approve as a person. That's what I should say and that's what I will say. The reason you want me to say sorry is because you want me to bend the fucking knee.
Starting point is 00:10:26 It's revenge. You want to have that power over me that I had over you for a bit and you can absolutely suck my fucking dick if you want me to. How about option B would be they go, hey, I'm offended, I'm hurt that you said this about Steve Jobs. I've lost some cancer, blah, blah, blah.
Starting point is 00:10:41 Just kind of fucking sweet. I'd be like, fuck it. Like, if someone's fucking out up in your grill and you're like, oh, you hurt blah, right? Just kind of fucking sweet. I've been like, look at you. Like, if someone's fucking alopecia grigli, oh, you'll hurt my feelings with this fucking thing. But I just can't. Fucking mission accomplished. Also, that's the other thing, right? With people they go, you offended me with what you said
Starting point is 00:10:58 and you're like, oh man, I wasn't even trying to offend you then. Can you imagine how much I'd fucking hurt you if I tried? The last thing you want to do is piss me off at this point. I upset you with a joke where I didn't know you existed, right? I didn't know your store, I didn't know your name, I didn't know your Twitter handle, I couldn't do research on who you are.
Starting point is 00:11:15 And I upset you, right, just randomly there. Now that I know who you are and I've seen your face, do you not think I can offend you a thousand times fucking more? Why are you poking this bear and also the thing with so I I did a gig in
Starting point is 00:11:30 it was actually one of the Alpen gigs out in France in Maribel and I did a you know the joke where if there's somebody in the audience
Starting point is 00:11:38 with a hat on and I'll tell them like oh I can't wear hats because my eyebrows are transparent and I put the hat on and I look like I'm terminally ill
Starting point is 00:11:44 and people laugh because I look like I'm terminally ill and people laugh because I look like I'm terminally ill when I wear a hat on. This bloke, what was it, at the end of the set, he was like, I really enjoyed your show
Starting point is 00:11:52 but could I just never do the hat joke again? I've lost some amount of cancer and it's fucking, it's not nice and all that right now. Everyone's lost a lot of cancer. I went, dude, you don't think you're the only person in the world
Starting point is 00:11:59 that's had to deal with that, do you? Like, well, fucking everyone. You think like one in three people get cancer and you think I'm the only fucking cunt up there that hasn't had to deal with it. Hasn't had to say it. Hasn't had to deal with that they're like fucking everyone you think like one in three people get cancer and you think I'm the only fucking cunt up there that hasn't had to deal with it hasn't had to say it
Starting point is 00:12:09 hasn't had to like every fucking every person in the world is either on the receiving end of it or like passively the one thing we all have in common
Starting point is 00:12:17 is cancer like it really is and they're like full of them on site they go oh I don't do that because of this I'm like no I'm fucking
Starting point is 00:12:24 nah this year rang yeah I just it's and they're like full of them on site and they go oh I don't do that because of this and I'm like no I'm fucking nah this is your rang yeah I just it's I get annoyed by that whenever you make
Starting point is 00:12:30 a fucking joke about death people go I actually know someone that died and you go everyone knows someone that died
Starting point is 00:12:35 everyone does I guess what it's gonna happen to you every single one of us has has lost someone
Starting point is 00:12:44 and is fucking gonna lose someone. It doesn't make you special. It doesn't make you fucking unique. It hurts and your pain is fucking real. But don't walk up to me and be like, hey, actually, I've experienced something like this. So you must be coming from a place where you don't know what it's like to lose someone.
Starting point is 00:12:56 So I'm explaining to you that I've experienced it and what you're talking about can't be. And it's like, I've had several deaths in my life and i'm making these jokes right you're the one that's weak emotionally and it's not my job to protect you it's your job to protect yourself like if you can't take a joke as a joke that's nobody else's responsibility other than yours and don't get me wrong i have missed the mark before and i will miss the mark again right that's just we're all deeply flawed fucking human beings hey there's an interesting podcast
Starting point is 00:13:26 do you know Radio Labs aye there's a podcast about that about the moderators and censorship and stuff like that
Starting point is 00:13:32 and the problems that they faced when you know there was protests about like banning breastfeeding photos offline
Starting point is 00:13:40 so like rightfully people were like I'm feeding my baby it's part of it's upbringing I mean oh it's part of its upbringing i mean oh oh it's like like if if a photo of someone breastfeeding a baby comes on like i'll just be
Starting point is 00:13:52 like well that's not for me in the same way i would be like that's not for me if they're fucking if they've got food in their mouth you know you're like that's just yeah you're just eating all right that baby that baby's eating right like it doesn't bother me like one bit but I'll also just scroll past again nah not for me it could be worse it could be like ooh boobies
Starting point is 00:14:10 so like I've always just been absolutely fucking it's not not my thing like it's not
Starting point is 00:14:18 it's not my problem not my issue doesn't affect me doesn't affect me
Starting point is 00:14:21 doesn't affect me and I'll just scroll past it if I say it but some people obviously are going it's disgusting and some people are like oh my god it's fucking niche I'll just scroll past it if I say it, but some people obviously, oh, God, it's disgusting.
Starting point is 00:14:25 And some people are like, oh, my God, it's fucking nature. I've got to show people my breast meat. I don't understand the whole thing. It's disgusting. It's like, you know you did that. Yeah. Like, I mean, we all did it.
Starting point is 00:14:34 We've all sucked your mum's tits. I had a milk tash for days. And so people protested to make it so that it can be online. But that opened up its own can of worms of like how old can the baby does the baby have to stop before it's inappropriate like if you've got like a seven-year-old breastfeeding I reckon right and again this comes from so then it gets to a point where like they can't just do like a yes or no on or off thing. Like, oh, what if the nipple's covered? I think that's what they work with, if the nipple's covered.
Starting point is 00:15:07 Then it can go through with the baby, and then it gets to the point. Then there was one of them where there was a woman breastfeeding a goat, and then they looked into it as if it was kind of some kink, right? Some creepy thing. But that is actually how some tribes in Africa keep the goats alive if they lose their mother, is by physically fucking breastfeeding a goat so it's actually part of their systems and there's all these fucking vegan goats
Starting point is 00:15:29 walking around being like you know that milk wasn't made for you that's just gaftan that is an interesting one and this comes from a place of ignorance so feel free to correct my ignorance I won't apologise for it because the only way you can get past ignorance is by asking ignorant questions obviously it's never
Starting point is 00:15:46 your duty or job to correct someone's ignorance but be a decent fucking human being occasionally I don't know what age
Starting point is 00:15:56 you should stop breastfeeding kids at because obviously there could be a bunch of medical fucking things but for me I reckon it's
Starting point is 00:16:02 when the baby can form like full sentences like if it's got the baby can form like full sentences like if it's got a T in its mouth and at one point it just pulls out being like
Starting point is 00:16:09 hey knock us onto the other one this one's getting cold like if you're able to if your baby's pulling a T out to have a full on conversation with you just put it at the bottom
Starting point is 00:16:19 oh yeah if it can chew if the baby can chew probably like probably just eat food but then again there's probably a whole bunch of fucking science stuff that we don't know about the fucking can chew probably like probably just eat food but then again there's probably a whole bunch of fucking science
Starting point is 00:16:26 stuff that we don't know behind the fucking health of it like I mean because that is a fair point surely if you keep producing milk is that maybe not
Starting point is 00:16:33 your body's way of telling you to keep producing milk otherwise dentitis explodes I mean I'm not a doctor but scientifically I can confirm
Starting point is 00:16:40 that the dentitis explode so maybe that kid is saving that woman's life. I love that we're talking about breastfeeding with no knowledge about breastfeeding. Aye. Well, again, as I've said before, this is how you get past...
Starting point is 00:16:52 I can't believe people listen to this podcast. Which, as I said, do listen to the Radio Labs episode. It's something about censorship, and it covers that. And you can get the real knowledge from there rather than the fucking recycled shit I've just given you.
Starting point is 00:17:06 Okay, I'm fucking really because I understand the stance of a lot of people who are minorities whether that be sort of race or life experience or whatever
Starting point is 00:17:12 and they just go it's not my job to explain my struggle to you and I'm like it absolutely isn't but could you could you do me a solid
Starting point is 00:17:22 like I don't I'm a straight white man I've had a very fucking privileged life, right? And I'm willing to get past my ignorance. And obviously you're not duty bound to explain to every single person, every part of this, but I'm ignorant.
Starting point is 00:17:35 And the only way I can, and I will try and read stuff online and I will read something like, but there's a difference between fucking articles and having a one-to-one human interaction with someone where I can talk about and ask the stupid questions that I want to fucking ask. Because the articles that are always written about these things
Starting point is 00:17:50 are just always science here, very fucking fact. So they don't ask the curious questions I want to ask. I've got a friend that is trans. So I think she's still saving up for the surgery and stuff. And I'm obviously, I think we're both very ignorant to a lot of trans issues.
Starting point is 00:18:12 And I'm actually scared to talk about it. Absolutely, because I don't want to accidentally offend someone. But with her, Let's give it a go. No, no, let's not run that. No, this is, sorry,
Starting point is 00:18:23 what you're about to say, this is where I'm confused with trans issues, is that I feel like gender's kind of, like gender, obviously, biologically. You were going to say gender's a man-made thing. Man-made construct, I put it in the people-made term I should have used. It's like wearing dresses, playing with Barbie dolls.
Starting point is 00:18:45 That's all, that's all that's all air quotes girl shit girl shit right I always just think like well you could do that as a bloke like if you're born a bloke
Starting point is 00:18:52 with a willy but you feel the urge to fucking whatever be a bridesmaid right or whatever girls do like
Starting point is 00:18:59 can you not just crack on just doing girl stuff as a bloke do you have to go right I'm a girl now can you not go oh well look down and go oh I'm a man but I doing girl stuff as a bloke? Do you have to go, right, I'm a girl now. Can you not go, oh, well, look down and go,
Starting point is 00:19:06 oh, I'm a man, but I like girl stuff, so society's going to have to deal with that. No, I think, first of all, I think that is a certain type of issue. That's body, no, I think trans body is more of a, okay, I don't know, but there's, from what I've spoken to, from the trans person I know,
Starting point is 00:19:24 it's like, you just go, this isn't to from the trans person I know, it's like, you just go, this isn't my fucking body. It's like, it's like, remember when your mum used to fucking dress you up in awful clothes
Starting point is 00:19:31 that you hated? It's like God did that to you and you're just looking down at yourself. She's going up, like in your head, you're a fucking girl and you're going to, like you have to go
Starting point is 00:19:38 into these fucking male toilets and fucking piss standing up and all this stuff and you hate your fucking body. You don't want it. But does that not happen on like a full range of things like uh just a couple of examples i used to fucking bleach my hair from the age of 17 to 25 because i didn't consider myself to be a ginger right i didn't
Starting point is 00:19:55 identify as ginger i didn't want to be picked last and stuff i think oh that's not the life i want to live so i bleached my hair and try to like deny being a ginger but guess what I was ginger and I'm not saying that's an exact parallel no of course it's not this is one this is one
Starting point is 00:20:11 that perhaps is a parallel in this instance Gav used to take steroids with my brother and he was fucking hench and that's how he liked being
Starting point is 00:20:19 he hated being the skinny guy and he fucking jacked up on steroids in his early 20s and he was a big guy and he found his confidence he found his feet he got the body that he felt like on steroids in his early 20s and he was a big guy and he found his confidence he found his feet he got the body that he felt like
Starting point is 00:20:27 he was meant to have in his mind he's a big dude but in reality he's quite scrawny so he's done something about it and then you'll get shamed for it so yeah but that's what that's what trans people do
Starting point is 00:20:39 they're going this isn't the body I want to be in so I'm going to make the measures to not be in this body anymore yeah so yeah that's exactly so that example I gave was this isn't the body I want to be in, so I'm going to make the measures to not be in this body anymore. Yeah? So, yeah. So that's exactly,
Starting point is 00:20:49 so that example I gave was... Yes, it's true, yeah. So, well, yeah, I mean, again, I don't know. I'm one of you. I think you and I are two people, you know, fucking... Yeah, and as well, if there's people who are affected by this situation, please don't get angry by our ignorance. We're trying to...
Starting point is 00:21:04 We're trying. We're giving you an insight into how ignorant of the topic we are and how we talk about it also that offense thing we said at the beginning kind of applies all right and also just if you look if you want to correct your ignorance absolutely fucking feel free to steal the way we will improve as human beings yes anyway so it's bad from 20 right for five five minutes where's five minutes in my fucking life uh and i i don't want to exaggerate or anything, but I now know pretty much
Starting point is 00:21:28 exactly how Nelson Mandela feels. Like, you know, punished for... The oppression. Aye, the oppression. I remember just sitting in that taxi, just like, steaming out the windows
Starting point is 00:21:39 and just drawing lines for every minute that passed by and then doing the gate across for the fifth one. Five bar gates. Aye, five bar gates gates not a lot of people wrote to me
Starting point is 00:21:48 or maybe they did but I couldn't read them because I was not on twitter you went and whinged on instagram
Starting point is 00:21:54 I did that's what you'd been told off by your mum so you go to your dad so I think in five years
Starting point is 00:22:00 time I'm going to be the president of South Africa I think I'm also ignorant about'm going to be the president of South Africa. I think. I'm also ignorant about Nelson Mandela's life. I've downloaded his book, which is read out by Danny Glover, who is...
Starting point is 00:22:14 I'm getting too old for this shit from Lethal Weapon. Not Donald Glover, who is... Who is Taylor Scambino. Spoiler. Spoiler alert. All right. So we've had a long day we were in Barcelona yesterday
Starting point is 00:22:26 oh fine let's talk through the gigs we've had where was the last time we did a podcast was it in Stavanger we might have been in Stavanger
Starting point is 00:22:33 what day was it Wednesday let's work backwards right we're in Gothenburg now yeah it's Sunday yesterday we were in Barcelona
Starting point is 00:22:39 and then the day before that we were in Stockholm we're in Stockholm so hear that again right we went from Stockholm to Barcelona to Gothenburg yeah
Starting point is 00:22:46 because as I've always said a lot of the time our tour is organised as if essentially somebody gave a kid with ADD a map and a crayon and whatever they fucking drew
Starting point is 00:22:53 they were like yep sure that makes perfect sense so we basically had a four hour flight each way to get between but the gigs have been fucking amazing
Starting point is 00:23:00 and our entertainment on the flights so this is this is what we've been entertaining with I've got Stardew Valley on the Switch
Starting point is 00:23:10 which I can't recommend enough unless but also at the same time you don't want to lose your entire life it's just a glorified Farmville it's like a cross between
Starting point is 00:23:19 fucking yeah Farmville and Pokemon it's so good because I thought it was an old game you know that that rehashed we all said it's a new one but they've just that like it was a 32-bit style 18 bit i
Starting point is 00:23:29 don't know what type of it is like whatever pokemon was the original one and uh it's it is like crack cocaine oh you're just sitting there growing your parsnips and the sheep fishing all right my favorite thing is to get all the chickens and then name the chickens funny things oh i've named my carrot Muggins and I got a dog the other day. Oh,
Starting point is 00:23:47 right. A bloke turned up with me dog, the dog. Oh, right. I just paused the game. I thought I'd keep doing it.
Starting point is 00:23:54 I keep talking to you about the game. Yeah, just randomly. What are you talking about? I'm like, oh, I've absolutely
Starting point is 00:23:59 fucked up my cabbages. What? In the game? Right, context please. I was fishing the other day and I caught a CD so you called your dog cream? I called my dog cream aye
Starting point is 00:24:10 you called me your bitch? mhm mongrel? no that's a crossbreed isn't it? is it? mongrel I have my crossbreed though
Starting point is 00:24:18 because my dad's a man of my own because you're not a pedigree excuse me? pedigree chump I've started doing all my chickens I've got Cluck Rogers I've got Jameson Rooster I did not do that one
Starting point is 00:24:34 I've got Benson Henderson fuck what's the other ones I've got for I can't remember Chicken Morty Chicken Morty's a great ones I'm going for? Chicken Morty. Chicken Morty's a great one. I didn't think of that one. Good at these.
Starting point is 00:24:51 So yes, I've been playing Stardew Valley. I've got fucking Watchmen on the comic book reader on my iPad. And we've been watching American Vandal. American Vandal's good. I'm watching season two of Big Mouth now. I fucking love that show. American Vandal, if you don't know, is like if you know making a murderer or any any of them like fucking ooh this is a mystery
Starting point is 00:25:05 and we're gonna drag it out over fucking 10 episodes when we could do it in one like any of them boring ass fucking long winded things they've just done like a mock version
Starting point is 00:25:13 where some kids drew like fucking 27 dicks on all the teachers cars and they're trying to fucking figure out who did it it's fucking hilarious
Starting point is 00:25:22 I hated Making a Murderer I got three episodes in and I just found it so I couldn't even like I couldn't even stick in with Serial Serial I enjoyed
Starting point is 00:25:32 A-Town was it S-Town S-Town was great A-Piece Up A-Town Down S-Town I stuck with that and I was like
Starting point is 00:25:39 but then this is like because I didn't I think I don't know if I enjoy it more because I didn't enjoy them and I'm like if I enjoy it more because I didn't enjoy them and I'm like oh sweet
Starting point is 00:25:46 they're doing a version with actual content in it with like with jokes and humour and like it actually goes somewhere so Barcelona was great
Starting point is 00:25:54 first time we've ever done Barcelona they were a great fucking crowd really enjoyed that my parents came along we got a little bit drunk we watched McGregor fight the day before that was Stockholm which was a really
Starting point is 00:26:02 really fucking good gig and then we got way way way way way way too high after too wasted oh man somebody brought edibles to the gig
Starting point is 00:26:11 thank you very much if you were listening and we had a vape as well and then we went oh fuck we'll get on to our dinner in a second oh yeah
Starting point is 00:26:18 we've got to talk about that oh yeah I said in a minute shuffleboard yeah yeah we were playing shuffleboard where if you lost you had to buy
Starting point is 00:26:28 a round of fireball shots and the loser and no no and if you didn't get any fucking points on the board yourself
Starting point is 00:26:35 you had to do two of the shots yourself so I went you I beat 15-0 I beat Rick Hard
Starting point is 00:26:43 our friend 15-0 I was on absolute fine form that was the greatest game I've ever played in my life yeah it's funny with shuffleboard 15 now I'd be Rick Hard our friend 15 I was on absolute fine form that was the greatest game I've ever played in my life yeah it's funny
Starting point is 00:26:48 with shuffleboard how I'll be good at it for those that don't know shuffleboard is essentially it's like curling but it's on like a table that's about a foot wide
Starting point is 00:26:55 and it's about 20 feet long you've each got four little I don't know fucking leg weights and you just
Starting point is 00:27:02 throw it down and you try and get the score up it's one of the best games in the world it's a sanded table like kind of the same kind of sheen
Starting point is 00:27:09 as a bowling alley right and you put a bit of sand on and you throw your weights and they're so sensitive you put the slightest
Starting point is 00:27:14 bit on it it'll fly off the end and for some reason it's not available in Scotland oh for some reason the reason being that people just
Starting point is 00:27:20 put their pints on it and fucking just sit on them it's a basically fucking shite Brits spoil it in Scandinavia
Starting point is 00:27:28 where people are going to be trusted they've got full respect yeah it's fine here no one's fucking
Starting point is 00:27:34 around that's another thing with you just you realise how dumb we as Brits are and can't be fucking trusted
Starting point is 00:27:37 for anything I can't remember what airport it was but we went downstairs and the plane was like 50 metres
Starting point is 00:27:43 away from the door you left and there was no barriers up there was no one directing you there's planes all around you
Starting point is 00:27:50 moving and whatnot and they all went oh just go to the plane we trust you to just go to the plane yeah they didn't need to put a shuttle bus on no they didn't need
Starting point is 00:27:58 to put a fucking shuttle bus that's it because if that was in Britain you would just have people just wandering off in all directions just fucking scatter across the apron like fucking walking dead.
Starting point is 00:28:07 Brits and yaks sprinting along, walking into the wrong planes, going up to try and fucking lick a moving rotator blade. Just fucking... Rotator blade. Is that what they're called? Sure. I would say propeller. Oh, that's what I was looking for. That works.
Starting point is 00:28:20 For absolute... Yeah, you suddenly when you come to these other countries where they just, health and safety is, hey, if you diet, it's your fault, you dumb cunt. And, you know what, I'll be honest,
Starting point is 00:28:31 I really like that approach. And then after the Stockholm gig, I went to a dead nice restaurant, a really, really good restaurant. It's the same one
Starting point is 00:28:37 we went to last year. It was just hugely expensive. I just love it. It's got running water and doors. Oh, I just love it. It's got all these
Starting point is 00:28:43 little like. Those are called taps. Oh, yeah just love it. It's got all these little like... Those are called taps. Oh, yeah. I've never washed my hands before. No, like these like fountains that turn into like little meander and waterfalls and fucking rivers and shit getting through the restaurant.
Starting point is 00:28:55 All right. Loads of foliage. It's so fancy. Yeah, it's so fancy. It just feels like an ecosystem when you're in there. We just kept putting the fish that we weren't allowed to eat
Starting point is 00:29:02 being like, I'll have that one. Like, that's not how this works. I'm the app, like the customer's always right. I like, that's not how this works. I'm the app, look, the customer's always right. I'm British and that's how this works. This is all my fault.
Starting point is 00:29:09 Went for a wee swim, did me toes in. I'm a lifeguard. And then we went there and weirdly enough and then I try to get back onto the UFC chat but we're hanging out
Starting point is 00:29:17 with one of our mates over there and he's like, do you know Latifi, the Swedish fighter? And we were like, yes. And they're like,
Starting point is 00:29:23 do you want to join him for dinner? And we were like, absolutely. So Ade do you want to join him for dinner and we were like absolutely so if anybody watched the UFC last night tuning in just to see Connor
Starting point is 00:29:30 Arvind St. Prue who was on the main card was the last person Latifi fought and won so he's like top level yeah and he's a fucking
Starting point is 00:29:39 he's not he's not huge height wise but like because he's a yeah he's a light heavy weight so that's the same weight as Jon Jones and Daniel Cormier but he's not huge height wise but like because he's a yeah he's a light heavyweight so that's the same weight as Jon Jones
Starting point is 00:29:45 and Daniel Cormier but he's like a foot shorter than both of them probably more so he's just he's square the dude's square
Starting point is 00:29:54 so we go over there like a little bit fangirly right just fully expecting him to obviously this guy's fucking hard as nails we think we're just going over there
Starting point is 00:30:01 for a fucking photo and just like oh sorry whatever first of all he's a real nice guy all we did we sat there we were like who have fucking photo and just like oh sorry whatever first of all he's a real nice guy all we did was they were like
Starting point is 00:30:07 who have you got tomorrow and we had a really in-depth discussion about fighting he was so fucking sweet so fucking sweet he was actually spot on with the way it went
Starting point is 00:30:14 he was like he goes I can't see who's going to win but whoever wins it's going to be one-sided it's either going to be one-sided wrestling match that could be wins
Starting point is 00:30:22 or a one-sided boxing match so it's a striking match yeah and then halfway through so he'd ordered his food with all of his mates beforehand and then we ordered It's either going to be one sided wrestling match that could be wins or a one sided boxing match. So it's a striking match, yeah. And then, halfway through, so he'd ordered his food with all of his mates beforehand and then we ordered
Starting point is 00:30:29 our food separately and the plate of sushi came out and I had my two bits of sushi, Barang and his two bits of sushi, Rickard and his two bits of sushi.
Starting point is 00:30:38 You had one bit of sushi and then Latifi went over. He just, he just leaned in with his fucking chopsticks and just took a bit of sushi off his plate. This is a fucking light heavyweight fucking contender. And I'm just like, fucking nomade.
Starting point is 00:30:53 No. Fucking blind son. No, no. Don't fucking mess with my sushi. No, well, actually, what actually happened was you leaned into my ear and went, Latifi just took my sushi. You said it under your breath so he didn't hear you.
Starting point is 00:31:09 Fucking Queen Latifi. Oh, yeah. City Latifi. Now that he's in a different city, you're giving him a big litsy. I ran away to Spain. I just lived back into Sweden. So, yeah yeah he fucking because he
Starting point is 00:31:27 nicked a bit off the next plate that had come out as well it was like these little bits of
Starting point is 00:31:32 beef he had to paint with that sauce it was like a paintbrush and a pot of whatever the
Starting point is 00:31:37 sauce was too bad from you as well he took a bit I was like honestly man 15 more bits
Starting point is 00:31:43 of that and I'm going to kill him and he takes another one I'm like 14 and I'm going to kill him and he texted another one I'm like fucking 14 and I'm going to do him like he's dead
Starting point is 00:31:49 I'll dodge it myself please stop please stop I'm out of my words so if you're saying I look a bit skinny that's because of UFC fate I nicked me fucking lunch
Starting point is 00:32:00 he absolutely took your lunch he took me fucking lunch buddy gave you a little Chinese pie to the end this is something we found out
Starting point is 00:32:11 as well so Barang who takes us to all these nice restaurants and promotes because he's a
Starting point is 00:32:16 proper foodie he promotes all the gigs out here he's a good friend of ours for the last five years
Starting point is 00:32:22 since the tour started and he says he's been trying to get gigs in South America. So he looked it up and found out the UFC fighter Fabrizio Verdum runs a comedy club in Brazil. I'm telling you right now, that is a front. Aye. That's for something dodgy.
Starting point is 00:32:42 Sell it to us more. I can't gig him. Maybe he's just banging the... Because I remember seeing it. He is funny. I'll give him that
Starting point is 00:32:50 because he's not the one that does... Who's against someone who just kept doing fucking silly faces all the way through. Fucking taking the piss out of them.
Starting point is 00:32:58 Pulling faces. I can't tell if he's funny or not if I've just watched a load of Tommy Toe old cartoon videos where they've made him funny. I also reckon he might be one of the homophobic ones. Are you making a judgement?
Starting point is 00:33:10 Are you just assuming? No, no. Because he's a bit of a knuckle-dragger. No, no, I could be incorrect, but I think I remember it might be one of the other ones. I think we should totally look into playing tributeute to Overdoomed's Comedy Club in Brazil imagine Bomb in there and he just comes up and chokes you out
Starting point is 00:33:29 that's a level of fear I don't need in my life as well I don't want to risk him nicking me do I you've got a bad history with the UFC
Starting point is 00:33:39 friends just keep nicking your stuff oh man should we do some relationship advice do you think? I'll go in there and pass it over. I think I'll start.
Starting point is 00:33:49 I think next week, or not next week, this is going out Monday. On Thursday, I reckon we should go back to Michael Corner because all the new listeners don't know what muggles are. We could alternate some, couldn't we? All right. But I'm enjoying the advice thing. So people can email mugglesandcream at gmail.com.
Starting point is 00:34:04 And if that's what you want to correct us on all of our ignorance feel free to we will read them and learn and thank you to everyone that's
Starting point is 00:34:10 messaged by the way we've kind of just been picking one at random as we go so we'll probably get round to yours so here it is I'm 38 and I've
Starting point is 00:34:19 been single for a few years not interested in the whole getting married and having kids thing just want to find a guy to date
Starting point is 00:34:23 and do fun stuff with but I despise the whole online dating scene I've had too many crappy plenty of fish and tinder dates so i'm gonna go down that road again pause heterosexual female or gay man uh they have not said yet i'm going to go name check your name it's a right it's a guy it's a right heterosexual woman i never seem to meet you guys in real life but there's one guy who I met by a bumble almost a year ago I fucking love bumble, bumble's the best Is bumble the one where the girls have to
Starting point is 00:34:50 get in touch? Yeah the girls have to get in touch because obviously the online dating scene is before I answer this question just understand mine's just going to come from a very different perspective because online dating for men and online dating for women are two very different things. As a man what online dating online dating is is oh look there's all these attractive interesting girls
Starting point is 00:35:09 that i can talk to and the reason you do well with them is because if you don't send a dick pic within three minutes if you don't make it aggressively sexual within 10 minutes and if you have any form of chat other than hey how's you what you've been up to congratulations you were in the top one percent of men in the world oh really man isn't that grim i've seen a little bit of jeans old uh online dating stuff a bunch of uh my other female friends online dating stuff and just see it's a massive confidence boost as a bloke just seeing all the messages girls normally get i've been like i'm amazing like big if you treat women like human beings, which, which scientifically they are, it was a controversial study,
Starting point is 00:35:48 but they've proven it. So subjective. Okay. Peer reviewed. Yeah, if you just treat them like, it's weird, weird.
Starting point is 00:35:55 It's weird if you treat people like people, they'll be nice to you. So, understand this is coming from a, a different fucking place, a privilege, because I love online dating, because.
Starting point is 00:36:04 Yeah, I'm, like, I've never known it. It's great. I've only ever done it, like, a different fucking place because I love online dating because yeah like I've never known it it's great I've only ever done it like over a decade ago on my desktop like MSN and hot or not
Starting point is 00:36:12 the golden years of Tinder are over because now because Tinder was a good thing and then a bunch of shitty men discovered Tinder and then made it into a shit thing so it made all
Starting point is 00:36:20 Tinder used to be fun did Bumble fix that did Bumble fix it by making the woman have to get in touch I think I've only ever had positive experiences
Starting point is 00:36:26 from Bumble whatever that counts speak on behalf of a fucking woman it still might be at shit I don't know the answer to that question
Starting point is 00:36:31 but what I do know is Tinder got shit because a bunch of creepy men went on and it started being fucking creepy and then all the decent girls
Starting point is 00:36:38 well a lot of the decent girls had to fucking leave and now you go on Tinder and there's a bunch of people being like I'm not here for a one night stand
Starting point is 00:36:43 and you're like get off the one night stand app then like there's other dating webs there are dating websites and even though Tinder cannot explicitly market itself as a one night stand app that is absolutely
Starting point is 00:36:54 what it was when it started it was just a fucking hook up site and it was great it was a grinder for straight people because they've been doing it
Starting point is 00:37:00 for years right yeah and man the gays have it sussed and then so is there like specific ones
Starting point is 00:37:08 that are meant for like looking for love is that like fucking like match.com match.com plenty of fish you fucking
Starting point is 00:37:13 Christian singles and ready to Christian singles uniformed all that sort of stuff I never seem to be cute guys this guy's
Starting point is 00:37:21 ridiculously good looking I was convinced when we met that he was a catfish fucking been there he's a strong 9 out of 10 and I'm a 3 out of 10 on a good day
Starting point is 00:37:27 well you've not sent a photo so I can't confirm is she just getting a touch to brag I'm punching baby yeah I mean at this point if that is true
Starting point is 00:37:36 right I'm going to trust you here fucking virtual high five that's incredible there's nothing better than bank do you think she's selling herself short
Starting point is 00:37:42 on her ranking and selling herself a bit too high on her ranking and they're probably meeting near her in the middle by the sounds of things where she says
Starting point is 00:37:47 I've had too many crappy plenty of fish and tinder dates to go down that road again sounds like a bunch of shitty men have knocked your confidence for no fucking reason so you know I doubt you're a fucking
Starting point is 00:37:55 three out of ten it just sounds like you've been in a bunch of fucking relationships I sent a photo oh god jokes Shaz. All right, sorry.
Starting point is 00:38:07 But he turned out to be real. We met up and we ended up having sex, but we did the whole, I never used to... She's just bragging. Yeah. Fucking get that dick. Get that dick. I never usually do this when I've met some bollocks
Starting point is 00:38:18 and he didn't ghost me the next day or anything. Fuck it. How sad a sentence is that? That's worth... Not for her, but just clearly you can tell the type of men you've had the misfortune of meeting. I never used to do this.
Starting point is 00:38:32 And he didn't ghost me the next day or anything. As if... To men listening to this, do you understand how low all other men have set the bar for us, right? If you are struggling to get laid as a man, it's because you're a piece of shit that's the be all and end all of it right if you're just slightly better than the worst
Starting point is 00:38:52 person alive you're the best person 90 of them have met we were whatsapping every day and he was being really cute saying i was exactly his type and he was excited about us but he was always at work traveling for work so it was near impossible to put him down to spend the time with him so i got pissed off with it and ended it okay six months later he messaged me out of the blue asking if he just saw me in Chester I wasn't but we got talking again no intention of meeting up I knew nothing had changed but damn him for being so fucking gorgeous and I had to uh hard to say no to great to let him come round but I gave him the brush off when he tried to get gropey fair my cat died a couple of weeks
Starting point is 00:39:25 later and I was crying and he left his friends on the night and then my cat died sounds like you
Starting point is 00:39:32 killed your cat I'm sorry about your cat but it turns out one pussy was going to get destroyed one more
Starting point is 00:39:41 I'm so sorry, but I'm also not. There goes your not a poet, Jason. Can died and I was crying tonight messing. He left his friends on a night in Liverpool
Starting point is 00:39:56 to come see if I was okay. We got stoned and then he put me to bed and left. That is fucking sweet as shit. Well done, him. That's, but again,
Starting point is 00:40:03 base levels of human interaction, like, base levels of human decency that is, and it's sad that you think that's but again base levels of human interaction like base levels of human decency that is and it's sad that you think that's above and beyond the college but also also also if i'm on a fucking night it would be pals in liverpool right in one of them just fucking smoke bombs irish goodbye and they're gone right and then i'm funny who's going to put someone to bed because they're crying with a cat dying somebody Somebody that had their leg bit on lane. I'd be like, hiya man, do you have the morrow? Do you see what I mean? All you have to do is be a slightly better person
Starting point is 00:40:30 than Guy Humphries. I'm an eight-year-old man, what are you going to do? Fucking go... It just sounds like his mates were shit. Three months later, yesterday in fact,
Starting point is 00:40:38 he messaged me again out of the blue saying he had woke up craving me. I translated that as he woke up with a stiffy and wanted someone to stick it in.
Starting point is 00:40:45 Fuck, they're on to us. I was in college, so I didn't really entertain him much, but we've been messaging today. He says he's slept with one person since me. He's the only guy I've slept with this year because I'm not living my best life at the moment. So basically, what's his deal? Why do you think he keeps coming back?
Starting point is 00:40:59 It's not like he jumps into bed with him straight away last time, but I do think it's probably just about sex. But saying that, he is gorgeous. He'd easily hook up with someone on Tinder and get them into bed with him straight away last time, but I do think it's probably just about sex. But saying that, he is gorgeous. He'd easily hook up with someone on Tinder and get them into bed. Well, I think he, say his number, he's only slept with one person. I don't think that's relevant at all.
Starting point is 00:41:14 I've actually said like a thousand or none. I don't think that's like, I always think that the person that you're getting with there, figures like that, you've got no ownership over that. It shouldn't affect you. That's kind of what we're discussing too if I'm having sex or you're having sex with me
Starting point is 00:41:27 and we're not and we're not doing anything serious you don't you can ask and I'll be honest but you're not allowed to get upset
Starting point is 00:41:33 by the answer like there's no exclusivity like but I don't think that's the point she was getting why do you think he keeps coming back
Starting point is 00:41:40 I'll be honest with you mate by the sounds of things sounds like you're a fucking real tremendous shag like if you want a guy's perspective on it as someone who has you know is has been single for several years enjoys being single the reason i go back to specific uh girls
Starting point is 00:41:56 more than other ones is because i enjoy their company after sex that's always a big one like you know after you've fucking shot your load you can just lie down and shoot the shit with someone that's a fucking real bonus because you do get
Starting point is 00:42:09 the occasional person and this is both genders and all sexualities we all know that thing when you fucking you fuck someone and then all the decision like it's all gone
Starting point is 00:42:17 and you go I don't want to be here anymore you know when I was single I used to love me a bimbo you'd kind of realise that like when like this is going to sound awful because bimbo aye you'd kind of realise that like when like this is going to sound
Starting point is 00:42:26 awful because it is but like you tolerate like shit chat and shit behaviour yep because you've got your eye on a physical goal
Starting point is 00:42:34 yeah and then as soon as as soon as you've had sex then all of all of that shit chat the rose from your glasses fall off your face
Starting point is 00:42:41 fall off yeah and sometimes you're there going oh man I didn't realise how much I was compromising myself just because I was shallow
Starting point is 00:42:49 alright if he's if he's coming back I reckon right you if he's coming back you're not a three out of ten
Starting point is 00:42:56 that's my first conclusion that's my first conclusion there my second one is it sounds like you're a fucking great lady and then also decent
Starting point is 00:43:07 chat to boot. So, I don't know. Like, I always end up in these sort of situations with girls where, you know, I enjoy the company and I enjoy the sex
Starting point is 00:43:16 but I'm not looking for anything serious and I'm just, I'm not looking for, I travel the world with this job and I'm taking this time in my life to be selfish
Starting point is 00:43:24 because you're allowed to do that you're allowed to take time to only do you and not you know you don't hurt other people but their feelings are not necessarily your responsibility the whole time i really like you you go okay that's not my problem yeah like like i'm so and if i if you if you've led them on it's a different matter if you've been them on it's a different matter if you've been saying oh you know this relationship's
Starting point is 00:43:46 going to happen or whatever that's when it becomes a dick move but you know I don't say stuff like that you just stay in the thing and you keep doing it
Starting point is 00:43:52 because it's fun I think answering questions honestly is key as well like if somebody asks you how like how many people have you slept with you just fucking
Starting point is 00:43:59 just like if he's done that like oh just one right if he's just done that like as a way of like making you make you feel
Starting point is 00:44:07 a bit more special a bit more exclusive then then fucking that guy's a jackass yeah like if he is sleeping
Starting point is 00:44:13 like if he's putting like if he's starting to fucking lie early doors I think it doesn't matter how many he's done but it should like yeah yeah
Starting point is 00:44:21 it doesn't matter how many he's slept with but if he's lying about it then that's a fucking bad start to the thing that's him trying to like lead you in a it should like yeah yeah it doesn't matter how many he's slept with but if he's lying about it then that's a fucking bad start to the thing that's him trying to like uh lead you in a specific thought process yeah yeah but he's painting a very different image of himself uh the i don't know can you go get the um um it's a true schedule um the other thing as well is yeah by the sounds of things you're just a real fucking good lay and by the sounds of things you suck a
Starting point is 00:44:42 real mean dick uh obviously i don't want to assume here but like as a man the reason I go back is because the sex is fucking great and the chat afterwards is decent
Starting point is 00:44:50 to boot and if you don't want a relationship with him then just keep doing it like if the sex is good and the company's good and you're both enjoying it then just
Starting point is 00:44:59 keep doing that but the second you start getting feelings for him or vice versa just let him know honesty is genuinely the second you start getting feelings for them or vice versa, just let them know. Honesty is genuinely, the second I started being 100% honest
Starting point is 00:45:09 100% of the time, it absolutely changed. That doesn't mean I've not, you know, hurt people emotionally, but it wasn't, you know, those were just consequences
Starting point is 00:45:18 as opposed to vindictive, like, I don't know what I'm trying to say there. But it just means the sense that you can hurt people because well yeah it's honestly it's amazing
Starting point is 00:45:26 Natalie once fucking asked if I'd ever slept with a prostitute I was like what the fuck did you ask that for I but like
Starting point is 00:45:37 but it's like the difference is like I didn't I didn't just fucking put that information on her like oh I don't lie so I'm just gonna start like fucking just start.
Starting point is 00:45:46 Like, just tell your shit that may bother you. Yeah, yeah. There's a difference between being honest and just giving unnecessary truths all the time. If you ask me a question, I will answer it honestly, right? But you also have to take into account, like, if you're not able to take that answer, then, you know, I've lived a life.
Starting point is 00:46:04 We said on the last podcast, I lived a life before you, and you don't get to hold me accountable to any of those things unless i've murdered someone as well if you didn't lie you don't have to remember anything no it's so much easier to remember a goddamn thing anyway hope that advice worked uh you're not a three out of ten but if you want to uh prove us wrong send us a nude don't do that that was a joke what are you winging for it's a podcast first of all it's pronounced
Starting point is 00:46:29 wanking and second of all snitches get cum on their face right we have to go fucking shower and get ready so let's do this
Starting point is 00:46:40 I hope that advice was good after you threatened to cum on us right now we need to get showered. Okay, so genuinely thank you to everyone who's come to the tour so far.
Starting point is 00:46:50 It's been an absolute fucking belter. And welcome everybody that started listening to the podcast. I know. To the 1,200 listeners that we had loyally for the past three years, numbers have gone up. You've now trebled in size. Yeah, but to the original listeners,
Starting point is 00:47:04 you're the OG fans and we'll never forget you I've new London dates on sale I've new Birmingham dates on sale Dublin dates are
Starting point is 00:47:12 on sale I think there's a Nottingham one coming up there's a Norwich one been added just keep on my Twitter which is
Starting point is 00:47:19 no longer suspended hashtag you sweet Daniel and I'm going to be at all of the January ones in 2019 because and I'm going to be at all of the January ones in 2019 because I've
Starting point is 00:47:28 postponed going to Australia so I could be on them gigs and I will be in Australia from Adelaide which is in
Starting point is 00:47:33 February mid-February so this goes out on Monday Copenhagen you are sold out Tuesday
Starting point is 00:47:38 we are in Sofia the comedy club Sofia I imagine that's sold out Wednesday
Starting point is 00:47:44 we're in Timisoara I can Sofia I imagine that's sold out Wednesday we're in Timisoara I can't say it Timisoara it's Romania Romania and on Thursday we are in
Starting point is 00:47:51 Bucharest and on Friday Constantana which Constanta Constanta which is a new date on the tour
Starting point is 00:48:01 which I'm not going to be I'm afraid because Gareth was going to join you while I go to some of you all getting g-tip and then all new date on the tour which I'm not going to be at I'm afraid because Gareth was going to join you while I go to some of you all getting G-Tip
Starting point is 00:48:07 and then all the dates are available oh and Vienna hi Vienna if you're from Vienna me and G-Tip are both going to be opening
Starting point is 00:48:16 it's going to be a double whammy opening so it'll be a good one also to oh fuck what's the name of those guys that bring us weed all the time in Vienna
Starting point is 00:48:24 oh yeah the Sloss Express boys yeah oh fuck I feel like an asshole for you know the names So it'll be a good one. Also, too, oh, fuck, what's the name of those guys that bring us weed all the time in Vienna? Oh, yeah, the Sluss Express boys. Oh, fuck, I feel like an asshole for... You know their names? Oh! Did we ever get their names? Yeah, we did.
Starting point is 00:48:31 Yeah, we know it. Mo? Mo, that sounds about right. Mo's one of them. Hi, Mo. Hi, Mo. Anyway, if you want to bring us weed again,
Starting point is 00:48:38 that'd be fucking sweet. And also, I did promise them both free tickets to the show because we fucked up meeting up with them last year. So get in contact with me and I'll sort those out. Also, we're going to do the Your Dad jokes in a minute.
Starting point is 00:48:50 But what I've taken on is if you go to the Facebook page, Sloss and Humphreys on the Road, the same name as this podcast. If you found this podcast, you can find the Facebook page. We've been putting regular content out on there, but I've just started putting out the Your Dad jokes from episode one, edited down. So if there's new listeners to the podcast, you'll get to hear all the Your Dad jokes on catch-up by joining the Facebook page.
Starting point is 00:49:13 Speaking of, your dad's conjoined twin hung himself and your dad just hung there for three days like a Christmas bauble. Starving. Your dad manscapes in public. Your dad occasionally boils water just to teach water who's boss. Your dad gets where he's going way faster if he hangs a carrot from his baseball cap. Your dad eats corn on the cob like ice cream.
Starting point is 00:49:46 Your dad doesn't trust buttons so he sews his shirt up to be doubly sure your dad shoves ice cream up his arse ooooh ooooh your dad essentially kisses the inside of his thigh while he's jacking off fuck I'm just in breath.
Starting point is 00:50:05 He got his ribs removed to do it. Not to suck his own dick. He got his ribs removed to kiss his inner thigh. Your dad christened you by smashing a bottle of cavo over your back. Your dad held a seance on the ghost train at Alton Towers. Your dad's iPhone only recognises his thumbprint if he's been sucking on it for 20 minutes.
Starting point is 00:50:30 Your dad thought a dirty protest was wearing sexy lingerie and sent the wrong message to all of the other inmates at the prison. I only recognise your dad if he's been sucking on it for 20 minutes. Your dad tries to rewind the camera on his phone after every photo.
Starting point is 00:50:49 Your dad thinks he invented masturbating. Came out of his room and he was like, Kai! You've got to see this! He may not have invented it but he perfected it.
Starting point is 00:51:03 Your dad went to a fancy dress party dressed as Winnie the Pooh and got arrested for having his cock out in public. Your dad's morning routine is to pull his willy really hard like a lawnmower starter. Your dad thought he could breathe in the water
Starting point is 00:51:19 if you just cut little slits in his cheeks and now he's lost custody of your brothers and they're both still in hospital. Your dad follows your mum around the house holding her outturned pocket your dad trying to
Starting point is 00:51:35 jumpstart his car using hair straighteners alright bye and if you still want more but the podcast finished,
Starting point is 00:51:46 go to kaihumphreys.com forward slash shop. Watch my show. You can do that now. Go do it now. Bye.

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