Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.3 Twitter Ban
Episode Date: October 8, 2018Cream is frozen outr of twitter after some online haters trawl back over tweets and report death threats he sent to Steve Jobs and fans of Nightmare Before Christmas. They then go on to discuss the no...tion of offence before going on to no doubt cause some with their ignorant ramblings about topics they don't know much about. But isn't that why you listen in the first place?Â
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Sloss and Humphries on the road!
Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream
And that's our intro
Fucking muggles!
Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh
Woohoo!
Hahaha!
They said it can't be done!
Are we in the same seats?
That's hack
Ah, muggles
Accidental rim job in the park
Kiss kiss kiss
Or am I just being cynical?
Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia
Where have you been since 9-11?
Right, we're rolling.
That's a good start, wasn't it?
Yeah, strong.
Just because your shape mark took too long.
Took ages, didn't it?
Yeah, which brings me on to today's topic.
I got banned from Twitter.
Oh yeah, fucks sake you did.
Tell me about that.
Well, we were up watching the Conor McGregor fight, RIP.
The king is dead
God is dead
yeah it's a sad day today
aye
he got bitched
like I've had
I've had such a good week
right
like fucking all the shows
have had the Netflix effect
sold out
fucking rowdy audiences
punch drunk gigs back home
has been fucking smashing it
and then
song on cloud nine
and then Newcastle
lose a 2-0 lead
get beat 3-2
and then Conor McGregor
got choked up
he just got choked he got bitched like he got beat 3-2 and then Conor McGregor got choked up he got bitched
like he
got beat up
didn't he
he did
he was real bad
got ragdolled
and then
he fucking
then it went nuts
which is
that bit at the end
like this is when
I know I'm an asshole
the amount of people
being like
oh it's disgraceful
to support
the sport
I'm like
nah that was cool
like
somebody
somebody insulted your religion your family your belief system I'm like nah that was cool like somebody somebody had told
your religion
your family
your belief system
fucking everything
like your country
all your fucking mates
for three months
and just because
you're joking about it
you're like
oh I guess it's over
nah of course
he jumped out
and went to jail
he beat up
Conor McGregor
jumped out of the cage
and started fucking
beating up his corner men
and everyone's there
going oh this fucking oh this sport it's men and everyone's there getting all this sport
I didn't get into
this sport for all the fighting
you can't believe in 2018 people still
watch people punch each other in the face
stop being a fucking snowflake
I loved it
it looked
like I was from a bloodlust
I've got a bit of a bloodlust
that fight was very very
very very fucking
it was just interesting
to see fucking
could be through a punch
aye
that was the thing
I'd take one actually
aye
good job
but it was one of those things
where like
it is a black eye
on the sport
and it shouldn't happen
but
oh the spectacle
the WWE
side of it
you're like yeah
well you're not entertained
I enjoyed it.
Fucking jumped out of the thing.
Then I'm asked,
Bro, look,
in what world is that not
what I wanted to watch?
Yeah.
Like, I was like,
can I get a free dessert?
I'm sorry to everybody listening
that doesn't care about the UFC,
but the more and after
Conor McGregor fade.
You've just got to be prepared
for at least another minute
or two of this.
Yeah, the Spectacle of it
set it up for Khabib to get banned, right,
which leaves the title wide open.
Tony Ferguson is the rightful claim to it after beating up Pettis.
So he's probably going to fight Conor for the vacant belt.
And then when Khabib comes back, he fights Conor.
So it does add, like, an element of what's next to it.
Aye.
I don't think Conor's coming back.
Why would you
only a millionaire mate
would you end on that though
like Rousey
aye
because like
he still came off well
didn't he
because he was just
dead respectful
I mean he probably
wasn't
that would be the worst
actually
after he'd been choked out
he tapped
his ego's bruised
and then fucking
someone come in
and sparked him
someone ran in
and punched him
this just happened
but you know what
he threw a fucking trolley
at a bus window
oh aye
you're getting your
repercussions
nah
he lives by the sword
aye
I mean I enjoyed it all
I enjoyed it
I hate people like
oh it's tainting the sport
it's like
alright sure
with your evidence
and facts
but can we
like
don't pretend
you didn't fucking enjoy it.
Don't pretend the second that happened,
you turned the TV off and was like,
oh God,
you watched every fucking second like I did.
That's what,
that's what's good about sport.
When shit like that happens,
you will have a win.
I remember being in a Newcastle match
when fucking Kieran Dyer and Lee Boyer
started fighting with each other
on the same team,
right?
And I mean,
as fans,
everybody was like,
oh,
I'm not stopping to watch my own teammates fighting.
But fuck me,
was that a new story.
People are talking about that, right?
When Cantona jumped and kicked the Crystal Palace fan.
I love that time.
Do you mind when Adebayor scored against,
he scored for Man City against Arsenal
and then just ran the entire fucking length of the pitch
to celebrate in front of the Arsenal fans?
He was in, that was the tightest moment.
I've never laughed so hard. I watch that video when I'm bored sometimes, just fucking running down the pitch to celebrate in front of the Arsenal fans. He was in, that was the tightest part. I've never laughed so hard.
I watch that video
when I'm bored sometimes,
just fucking running down
the other end
and be like,
I'm going to rile all you up
because you're all assholes.
Full of thanks to all
Arsenal fans,
by the way.
Anything with sport,
you're lover to fucking
shit hits the fan, right?
You're just like,
all right, okay.
Like,
it was fucking great.
Anyway,
back to me being banned
for just being such a fucking rogue renegade.
Somebody, obviously,
I'm going to assume,
somebody that got dumped because of my show,
or someone that just doesn't like
the way things are going in my career,
trolled through all my old tweets, right,
and found somewhere that threatened violence.
Now, the ways I'd threatened violence
was one of them was
someone was talking about Nightmare Before Christmas
they were like what do you think about it
I went it's the worst movie ever made
and I hope everyone who enjoys it dies
or something like that
so clearly that was a threat
the other one was
I can't even remember doing this
but this was like 7 years ago
and said do Steve Jobs
if I ever meet you,
I'm going to beat you to death
with all of the crap items you've ever made.
Which again,
maybe not a funny joke,
but it was seven years ago,
I was young and angry,
clearly my phone had broken or something.
Did you add him in?
No, of course I didn't.
No, of course I didn't.
That was because that would have been terrible,
that would have just been muggly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, just muggly.
And also, right,
surely at that point
if I've threatened
a few jobs
right spoiler alert
it's not a threat
anymore is it
maybe
maybe he thought
he'd found a lead
he's investigating
his death
so there was that one
and then another one
where I just kept
look I threaten
to kill people
every day
it's part of my banner
whenever somebody
I did it yesterday
with my mum
my mum tried to pay for dinner yesterday.
If you stick your card in that table,
I'm going to put you through a wall.
Because she's through a wall now and Danai was
on her.
No, no.
I just...
I understand that you have to take death threats seriously.
But you don't have to take
non-death threats, death threats
seriously.
I'm not changing... I'm not taking death threats seriously like I'm not
changing
I'm not taking
death threats
out of my
version of insulting
right
I've never been a
fight in my life
I've never had
I'm not a violent
person in any way
shape or form
right
it's funny if
someone of my
size and my
fucking stature
says to someone
big I'm gonna
kill you
because the joke
is I obviously
clearly couldn't
and I obviously
wouldn't
that's the bit
I'm not explaining
that joke for the
rest of my fucking life
right
everyone who I threatened to kill
in real life
nobody's ever gone
and then ran away
just like
hid
yeah
oh no
phoned the police
even fucking
you know
I threatened to
Jean all the time
I threatened to kill Jean
this morning
because we were just having a chat
and she went
how do you feel about Gregor losing
and I was like I'm obviously devastated she went well I heard he was shy and I was like I'll fucking kill Jean this morning because we were just having a chat and she went, how do you feel about Gregor losing?
And I was like,
I'm obviously devastated.
She went,
well, I heard he was shy and I was like,
I'll fucking kill you.
You reckon Jean's now
in the middle of fucking
just onto Australian authorities
being like,
I've been threatened with death,
life's in danger.
She's trying to get on
a witness protection programme
to change her identity
so you can't find her.
But also,
I was just relieved
to find out that that was
the worst tweet
since they could find out in the past
because I've said some heinous things in my life,
and I'm happy to fucking talk about this.
I don't think I should be held accountable to things I said five years ago.
Because the only thing that tweet proves, right,
is how much I've grown since then.
Yeah.
That's all it is, right?
To none.
Because you would totally send that tweet now.
No, I don't think I would now.
I think at this point I would just go...
Well, because at this point I'd be like,
it's not that fucking funny.
And I'm better with my anger now.
I'd just go, no.
And also, I don't have any Apple products anymore.
And also, Steve Jobs is dead to my drinking truth.
And Samsung doesn't have a face.
No, it doesn't have a face, does it?
Nah.
Unless it does and we're just unaware.
Samsung, that's his name.
No!
You absolute fucking spanner.
Do you think his name is Samsung?
Mate, I'm going to stand by this.
His name is probably something Samsung.
It might be, but it's not Samsung.
It's not the past fucking tense.
Remember that song, yeah, the Bond movie one. What's not the past fucking tense. I'll put it over that cut. They sang the Bond movie one.
Was it James Bond?
That was a fucking car crash of a sentence, that was.
I don't even know what you were trying to achieve with it.
Who's the name of the guy that sang... There you go, Samsung.
It's not the past tense of what he does.
Samsung.
Okay.
Wasn't worth it then.
I'm glad we went there.
Well, I had to explain myself.
And I've had a long day.
So how did you... We'll get on to and I've had a long day so how did you
we'll get on to the long day
in a minute
but how did your tweet go
how did you
sorry how did you
tweet a ban
well it wasn't a ban
it was a suspension
so basically
how did you discover it
oh so just halfway through
I was just on Twitter
just reading all the
Conor McGregor stuff
and then it just went
your account's been suspended
for the following tweets
and I was like
I read through them
and I was like
alright
I can see why like if you're a robot those things can be perceived as a threat but if you have any
level of cognitive functions like you'll understand the joke the sentiment and the context
so apparently you can just fuck it I went on the website I was just like I'm absolutely and I
refuse to apologize I'll I'll and this you can hold me to up. I went on the website and I was just like, I'm absolutely, and I refuse to apologize.
And you can hold me to this because I'll probably keep one day.
I'll never ever apologize for a joke.
I'm just, I'm not going to say that fucking president.
The reason I've said this on the Bert Kreischer podcast.
You'll say whoops.
All right, I'll say whoops.
Whoops.
But I said this on the Bert Kreischer.
I didn't achieve what I wanted to achieve, whoops.
All right, I fucked up.
I made a mistake.
I'll say that, I'll hold my hands up.
I was saying this on the Bert Kreischer podcast podcast the reason i'll never apologize for a joke is
the reason you want me to apologize isn't for any good reason right if i've upset you with a joke
what's happened is for a brief moment in time i had a bit of power over you right i made you scared
i annoyed you there was something i did or said that affected you and i had power over you and
you didn't like that you hated that loss of power and you hated that loss of. Whenever you say you fucked up or you said this thing and it's upset me,
I should be allowed to just say, okay, I've taken what you said on board. I understand where you're
coming from and I'm going to go through to extended efforts to make sure that I don't make
that same mistake ever again. I'm going to approve as a person. That's what I should say and that's
what I will say. The reason you want me to say sorry is because you want me to bend the fucking knee.
It's revenge. You want to have
that power over me that I had
over you for a bit and you can absolutely
suck my fucking dick if you want me to.
How about option B would be
they go, hey, I'm offended, I'm hurt that
you said this about Steve Jobs. I've lost some
cancer, blah, blah, blah.
Just kind of fucking sweet.
I'd be like, fuck it.
Like, if someone's fucking out up in your grill and you're like, oh, you hurt blah, right? Just kind of fucking sweet. I've been like, look at you. Like, if someone's fucking alopecia
grigli, oh, you'll hurt my feelings with this fucking thing.
But I just can't.
Fucking mission accomplished.
Also, that's the other thing, right? With people
they go, you offended me with what you said
and you're like, oh man, I wasn't
even trying to offend you then.
Can you imagine how much I'd fucking hurt you
if I tried? The last thing you want to do is piss me off at this point.
I upset you with a joke where I didn't know you existed, right?
I didn't know your store, I didn't know your name,
I didn't know your Twitter handle,
I couldn't do research on who you are.
And I upset you, right, just randomly there.
Now that I know who you are and I've seen your face,
do you not think I can offend you a thousand times fucking more?
Why are you poking this bear
and also
the thing with
so I
I did a gig in
it was actually
one of the Alpen gigs
out in France
in Maribel
and I did a
you know the joke
where if there's somebody
in the audience
with a hat on
and I'll tell them
like oh I can't wear hats
because my eyebrows
are transparent
and I put the hat on
and I look like
I'm terminally ill
and people laugh because I look like I'm terminally ill and people laugh
because I look like I'm terminally ill
when I wear a hat on.
This bloke,
what was it,
at the end of the set,
he was like,
I really enjoyed your show
but could I just never do the hat joke again?
I've lost some amount of cancer
and it's fucking,
it's not nice and all that right now.
Everyone's lost a lot of cancer.
I went, dude,
you don't think you're the only person
in the world
that's had to deal with that, do you?
Like, well, fucking everyone.
You think like one in three people
get cancer
and you think I'm the only fucking cunt up there that hasn't had to deal with it. Hasn't had to say it. Hasn't had to deal with that they're like fucking everyone you think like one in three people get cancer and you think
I'm the only fucking cunt up there
that hasn't had to deal with it
hasn't had to say it
hasn't had to
like every
fucking
every person in the world
is either on the receiving end of it
or
like passively
the one thing we all have in common
is cancer
like it really is
and they're like
full of them on site
they go
oh I don't do that because of this
I'm like
no I'm fucking
nah this year rang yeah I just it's and they're like full of them on site and they go oh I don't do that because of this and I'm like no I'm fucking nah
this is your rang
yeah
I just
it's
I get annoyed
by that
whenever you make
a fucking joke
about death
people go
I actually know
someone that died
and you go
everyone knows
someone that died
everyone does
I guess what
it's gonna happen
to you
every single
one of us
has
has lost someone
and is fucking
gonna lose someone.
It doesn't make you special.
It doesn't make you fucking unique.
It hurts and your pain is fucking real.
But don't walk up to me and be like,
hey, actually, I've experienced something like this.
So you must be coming from a place where you don't know what it's like to lose someone.
So I'm explaining to you that I've experienced it and what you're talking about can't be.
And it's like, I've had several deaths in my life and i'm making these jokes right you're the one that's weak emotionally
and it's not my job to protect you it's your job to protect yourself like if you can't take a joke
as a joke that's nobody else's responsibility other than yours and don't get me wrong i have
missed the mark before and i will miss the mark again right that's just we're all deeply flawed
fucking human beings hey there's
an interesting
podcast
do you know
Radio Labs
aye
there's a podcast
about that
about the moderators
and censorship
and stuff like that
and the problems
that they faced
when you know
there was protests
about like
banning breastfeeding
photos
offline
so like
rightfully
people were like
I'm feeding my baby
it's part of
it's upbringing
I mean oh it's part of its upbringing i mean
oh oh it's like like if if a photo of someone breastfeeding a baby comes on like i'll just be
like well that's not for me in the same way i would be like that's not for me if they're fucking
if they've got food in their mouth you know you're like that's just yeah you're just eating all right
that baby that baby's eating right like it doesn't bother me like one bit but I'll also just scroll past
again
nah not for me
it could be worse
it could be like
ooh boobies
so like
I've always just
been absolutely
fucking
it's not
not my
thing
like it's not
it's not my
problem
not my
issue
doesn't affect
me
doesn't affect
me
doesn't affect
me
and I'll just
scroll past it
if I say it
but some people
obviously are
going it's disgusting and some people are like oh my god it's fucking niche I'll just scroll past it if I say it, but some people obviously, oh, God, it's disgusting.
And some people are like,
oh, my God, it's fucking nature.
I've got to show people my breast meat.
I don't understand the whole thing.
It's disgusting.
It's like, you know you did that.
Yeah.
Like, I mean, we all did it.
We've all sucked your mum's tits.
I had a milk tash for days.
And so people protested to make it
so that it can be online. But that opened up its own can of worms
of like how old can the baby does the baby have to stop before it's inappropriate like if you've
got like a seven-year-old breastfeeding I reckon right and again this comes from so then it gets
to a point where like they can't just do like a yes or no on or off thing. Like, oh, what if the nipple's covered?
I think that's what they work with, if the nipple's covered.
Then it can go through with the baby, and then it gets to the point.
Then there was one of them where there was a woman breastfeeding a goat,
and then they looked into it as if it was kind of some kink, right?
Some creepy thing.
But that is actually how some tribes in Africa keep the goats alive
if they lose their mother, is by physically fucking breastfeeding a goat
so it's actually part of their
systems and there's all these fucking vegan goats
walking around being like you know that milk wasn't made for you
that's just gaftan
that is an interesting one and this
comes from a place of ignorance so feel free to
correct my ignorance I won't apologise
for it because the only way you can get past
ignorance is by asking ignorant questions
obviously it's never
your duty or job
to correct
someone's ignorance
but be a decent
fucking human being
occasionally
I don't know
what age
you should stop
breastfeeding kids at
because obviously
there could be
a bunch of medical
fucking things
but for me
I reckon it's
when the baby
can form like
full sentences like if it's got the baby can form like full sentences
like if it's got a T
in its mouth
and at one point
it just pulls out
being like
hey knock us onto the other one
this one's getting cold
like
if you're able to
if your baby's pulling a T out
to have a full on conversation
with you
just put it at the bottom
oh yeah
if it can chew
if the baby can chew
probably like
probably just eat food
but then again
there's probably a whole bunch of fucking science stuff that we don't know about the fucking can chew probably like probably just eat food but then again there's probably a whole
bunch of fucking science
stuff that we don't know
behind the fucking
health of it
like I mean
because that is a fair point
surely if you keep
producing milk
is that maybe not
your body's way
of telling you
to keep producing milk
otherwise
dentitis explodes
I mean I'm not a doctor
but scientifically
I can confirm
that the dentitis explode
so maybe that kid
is saving that woman's life.
I love that we're talking about breastfeeding
with no knowledge about breastfeeding.
Aye.
Well, again, as I've said before,
this is how you get past...
I can't believe people listen to this podcast.
Which, as I said,
do listen to the Radio Labs episode.
It's something about censorship,
and it covers that.
And you can get the real knowledge from there
rather than the fucking recycled shit
I've just given you.
Okay, I'm fucking really because I understand
the stance of a lot
of people
who are minorities
whether that be
sort of race
or life experience
or whatever
and they just go
it's not my job
to explain my struggle
to you
and I'm like
it absolutely isn't
but could you
could you do me a solid
like I don't
I'm a straight white man
I've had a very fucking privileged life, right?
And I'm willing to get past my ignorance.
And obviously you're not duty bound
to explain to every single person,
every part of this,
but I'm ignorant.
And the only way I can,
and I will try and read stuff online
and I will read something like,
but there's a difference between fucking articles
and having a one-to-one human interaction with someone
where I can talk about and ask the stupid questions
that I want to fucking ask.
Because the articles that are always written about these things
are just always science here, very fucking fact.
So they don't ask the curious questions I want to ask.
I've got a friend that is trans.
So I think she's still saving up
for the surgery and stuff.
And I'm obviously,
I think we're both very ignorant
to a lot of trans issues.
And I'm actually scared to talk about it.
Absolutely,
because I don't want to accidentally offend someone.
But with her,
Let's give it a go.
No, no, let's not run that.
No, this is,
sorry,
what you're about to say,
this is where I'm confused with trans issues,
is that I feel like gender's kind of,
like gender, obviously, biologically.
You were going to say gender's a man-made thing.
Man-made construct, I put it in the people-made term
I should have used.
It's like wearing dresses, playing with Barbie dolls.
That's all, that's all that's all
air quotes
girl shit
girl shit right
I always just think
like well you could do that
as a bloke
like if you're born a bloke
with a willy
but you feel the urge
to fucking
whatever
be a bridesmaid
right
or whatever girls do
like
can you not just
crack on just
doing girl stuff
as a bloke
do you have to go
right I'm a girl now
can you not go
oh well look down and go oh I'm a man but I doing girl stuff as a bloke? Do you have to go, right, I'm a girl now. Can you not go, oh, well, look down and go,
oh, I'm a man, but I like girl stuff,
so society's going to have to deal with that.
No, I think, first of all,
I think that is a certain type of issue.
That's body, no, I think trans body is more of a,
okay, I don't know,
but there's, from what I've spoken to,
from the trans person I know,
it's like, you just go, this isn't to from the trans person I know, it's like,
you just go,
this isn't my fucking body.
It's like,
it's like,
remember when your mum
used to fucking dress you up
in awful clothes
that you hated?
It's like God did that to you
and you're just looking down at yourself.
She's going up,
like in your head,
you're a fucking girl
and you're going to,
like you have to go
into these fucking male toilets
and fucking piss standing up
and all this stuff
and you hate your fucking body.
You don't want it.
But does that not happen
on like a full range of things like uh just a couple of examples i used to fucking bleach my
hair from the age of 17 to 25 because i didn't consider myself to be a ginger right i didn't
identify as ginger i didn't want to be picked last and stuff i think oh that's not the life i want to
live so i bleached my hair and try to like deny being a ginger but guess what
I was ginger
and I'm not saying
that's an exact parallel
no of course it's not
this is one
this is one
that perhaps
is a parallel
in this instance
Gav
used to take steroids
with my brother
and he was fucking hench
and that's how he liked being
he hated being the skinny guy
and he fucking
jacked up on steroids
in his early 20s
and he was a big guy
and he found his confidence he found his feet he got the body that he felt like on steroids in his early 20s and he was a big guy and he found his confidence
he found his feet
he got the body that he felt like
he was meant to have
in his mind he's a big dude
but in reality he's quite scrawny
so he's done something about it
and then you'll get shamed for it
so
yeah but that's what
that's what trans people do
they're going
this isn't the body I want to be in
so I'm going to make the measures
to not be in this body anymore
yeah so yeah that's exactly so that example I gave was this isn't the body I want to be in, so I'm going to make the measures to not be in this body anymore.
Yeah?
So, yeah.
So that's exactly,
so that example I gave was... Yes, it's true, yeah.
So, well, yeah, I mean, again, I don't know.
I'm one of you.
I think you and I are two people, you know, fucking...
Yeah, and as well,
if there's people who are affected by this situation,
please don't get angry by our ignorance.
We're trying to...
We're trying.
We're giving you an insight into how ignorant of the topic we are and how we talk about it also that offense thing
we said at the beginning kind of applies all right and also just if you look if you want to
correct your ignorance absolutely fucking feel free to steal the way we will improve as human
beings yes anyway so it's bad from 20 right for five five minutes where's five minutes in my
fucking life uh and i i don't want to exaggerate or anything,
but I now know
pretty much
exactly how Nelson Mandela feels.
Like, you know,
punished for...
The oppression.
Aye, the oppression.
I remember just sitting in that taxi,
just like,
steaming out the windows
and just drawing lines
for every minute
that passed by
and then doing the gate
across for the fifth one.
Five bar gates.
Aye, five bar gates gates not a lot of people
wrote to me
or maybe they did
but I couldn't
read them
because I was
not on twitter
you went and
whinged on
instagram
I did
that's what you'd
been told off by
your mum
so you go to
your dad
so I think
in five years
time I'm going
to be the
president of
South Africa
I think I'm also ignorant about'm going to be the president of South Africa. I think.
I'm also ignorant about Nelson Mandela's life.
I've downloaded his book, which is read out by Danny Glover,
who is...
I'm getting too old for this shit from Lethal Weapon.
Not Donald Glover, who is...
Who is Taylor Scambino.
Spoiler.
Spoiler alert.
All right.
So we've had a long day
we were in Barcelona yesterday
oh fine let's talk through
the gigs we've had
where was the last time
we did a podcast
was it in
Stavanger
we might have been in
Stavanger
what day was it
Wednesday
let's work backwards right
we're in Gothenburg now
yeah
it's Sunday
yesterday we were in
Barcelona
and then the day before that
we were in Stockholm
we're in Stockholm
so hear that again right
we went from Stockholm
to Barcelona
to Gothenburg
yeah
because as I've always said
a lot of the time
our tour is organised
as if essentially
somebody gave a kid
with ADD a map
and a crayon
and whatever they fucking drew
they were like
yep sure that makes perfect sense
so we basically had
a four hour flight
each way
to get between
but the gigs
have been fucking amazing
and our entertainment
on the flights
so this is
this is what we've been
entertaining with
I've got
Stardew Valley
on the Switch
which I can't recommend enough
unless
but also at the same time
you don't want to lose
your entire life
it's just a glorified
Farmville
it's like a cross between
fucking
yeah Farmville and Pokemon
it's so good
because I thought
it was an old game
you know that
that rehashed
we all said it's a new one but they've just that like it was a 32-bit style 18 bit i
don't know what type of it is like whatever pokemon was the original one and uh it's it
is like crack cocaine oh you're just sitting there growing your parsnips and the sheep fishing all
right my favorite thing is to get all the chickens and then name the chickens funny things oh i've
named my carrot
Muggins
and I got a dog
the other day.
Oh,
right.
A bloke turned up
with me dog,
the dog.
Oh,
right.
I just paused the game.
I thought I'd keep doing it.
I keep talking to you
about the game.
Yeah,
just randomly.
What are you talking about?
I'm like,
oh,
I've absolutely
fucked up my cabbages.
What?
In the game?
Right,
context please.
I was fishing the other day
and I caught a CD
so you called your dog cream? I called my dog cream aye
you called me your bitch?
mhm
mongrel?
no
that's a crossbreed isn't it?
is it?
mongrel
I have my crossbreed though
because my dad's a man of my own
because you're not a pedigree
excuse me?
pedigree chump I've started doing all my chickens
I've got Cluck Rogers
I've got
Jameson Rooster
I did not do that one
I've got Benson Henderson
fuck what's the other ones
I've got for
I can't remember Chicken Morty Chicken Morty's a great ones I'm going for?
Chicken Morty.
Chicken Morty's a great one.
I didn't think of that one.
Good at these.
So yes, I've been playing Stardew Valley.
I've got fucking Watchmen on the comic book reader on my iPad.
And we've been watching American Vandal.
American Vandal's good.
I'm watching season two of Big Mouth now.
I fucking love that show.
American Vandal, if you don't know,
is like if you know making a murderer or any any of them like fucking ooh this is a mystery
and we're gonna drag it out
over fucking 10 episodes
when we could do it in one
like any of them
boring ass
fucking long winded things
they've just done like
a mock version
where some kids
drew like
fucking 27 dicks
on all the teachers cars
and they're trying to
fucking figure out
who did it
it's fucking hilarious
I hated Making a Murderer
I got three episodes in
and I just found it so
I couldn't even
like
I couldn't even
stick in with Serial
Serial I enjoyed
A-Town
was it S-Town
S-Town was great
A-Piece Up
A-Town Down
S-Town
I stuck with that
and I was like
but then this
is like
because I didn't
I think
I don't know if I enjoy it more
because I didn't enjoy them and I'm like if I enjoy it more because I didn't enjoy them
and I'm like
oh sweet
they're doing a version
with actual content in it
with like
with jokes and humour
and like
it actually goes somewhere
so
Barcelona was great
first time we've ever done Barcelona
they were a great fucking crowd
really enjoyed that
my parents came along
we got a little bit drunk
we watched McGregor fight
the day before that was Stockholm
which was a really
really fucking good gig
and then we got way
way way way way way
too high after
too wasted
oh man
somebody brought edibles
to the gig
thank you very much
if you were listening
and we had a vape as well
and then we went
oh fuck
we'll get on to our dinner
in a second
oh yeah
we've got to talk about that
oh yeah
I said in a minute
shuffleboard
yeah yeah
we were playing shuffleboard
where if you lost
you had to buy
a round of
fireball shots
and the loser
and no no
and if you didn't
get any fucking
points on the board
yourself
you had to do
two of the shots
yourself
so I went
you
I beat 15-0
I beat
Rick Hard
our friend 15-0
I was on
absolute fine form that was the greatest game I've ever played in my life yeah it's funny with shuffleboard 15 now I'd be Rick Hard our friend 15 I was on absolute
fine form
that was the greatest
game I've ever played
in my life
yeah it's funny
with shuffleboard
how I'll be good at it
for those that don't know
shuffleboard is essentially
it's like curling
but it's on like a
table that's about
a foot wide
and it's about
20 feet long
you've each got
four little
I don't know
fucking
leg weights
and you just
throw it down
and you try and get
the score up
it's one of the best
games in the world
it's a sanded table
like kind of the
same kind of sheen
as a bowling alley
right
and you put a bit of
sand on
and you throw your
weights
and they're so sensitive
you put the slightest
bit on it
it'll fly off the end
and for some reason
it's not available
in Scotland
oh for some reason
the reason being
that people just
put their pints on it
and fucking just
sit on them
it's a basically
fucking shite
Brits
spoil it
in Scandinavia
where people
are going to be
trusted
they've got full
respect
yeah
it's fine here
no one's fucking
around
that's another thing
with you
just you realise
how dumb we as
Brits are
and can't be
fucking trusted
for anything
I can't remember
what airport it was
but we went
downstairs
and the plane
was like
50 metres
away from the door
you left
and there was no
barriers up
there was no one
directing you
there's planes
all around you
moving and whatnot
and they all went
oh just go to the plane
we trust you to just
go to the plane
yeah they didn't need
to put a shuttle bus on
no they didn't need
to put a fucking
shuttle bus
that's it
because if that was in Britain
you would just have people
just wandering off
in all directions
just fucking scatter across the apron like fucking walking dead.
Brits and yaks sprinting along, walking into the wrong planes, going up to try and fucking lick a moving rotator blade.
Just fucking...
Rotator blade.
Is that what they're called?
Sure.
I would say propeller.
Oh, that's what I was looking for.
That works.
For absolute...
Yeah, you suddenly when you come to these other countries where they just,
health and safety is,
hey, if you diet,
it's your fault,
you dumb cunt.
And, you know what,
I'll be honest,
I really like that approach.
And then after the
Stockholm gig,
I went to a dead
nice restaurant,
a really, really
good restaurant.
It's the same one
we went to last year.
It was just hugely
expensive.
I just love it.
It's got running
water and doors.
Oh, I just love it.
It's got all these
little like.
Those are called taps. Oh, yeah just love it. It's got all these little like... Those are called taps.
Oh, yeah.
I've never washed my hands before.
No, like these like fountains
that turn into like little meander
and waterfalls and fucking rivers and shit
getting through the restaurant.
All right.
Loads of foliage.
It's so fancy.
Yeah, it's so fancy.
It just feels like an ecosystem
when you're in there.
We just kept putting the fish
that we weren't allowed to eat
being like, I'll have that one.
Like, that's not how this works.
I'm the app, like the customer's always right. I like, that's not how this works. I'm the app,
look,
the customer's always right.
I'm British
and that's how this works.
This is all my fault.
Went for a wee swim,
did me toes in.
I'm a lifeguard.
And then we went there
and weirdly enough
and then I try to get back
onto the UFC chat
but we're hanging out
with one of our mates
over there
and he's like,
do you know Latifi,
the Swedish fighter?
And we were like,
yes.
And they're like,
do you want to join him
for dinner?
And we were like, absolutely. So Ade do you want to join him for dinner and we were like absolutely
so if anybody
watched the UFC
last night tuning
in just to see
Connor
Arvind St.
Prue who was on
the main card was
the last person
Latifi fought and
won so he's like
top level yeah
and he's a fucking
he's not he's not
huge height wise
but like because
he's a yeah he's
a light heavy
weight so that's
the same weight as Jon Jones and Daniel Cormier but he's not huge height wise but like because he's a yeah he's a light heavyweight so that's the same weight
as Jon Jones
and Daniel Cormier
but he's like
a foot shorter
than both of them
probably more
so he's just
he's square
the dude's square
so we go over there
like a little bit
fangirly right
just fully expecting him
to obviously
this guy's fucking hard as nails
we think we're just
going over there
for a fucking photo
and just like
oh sorry
whatever
first of all he's a real nice guy all we did we sat there we were like who have fucking photo and just like oh sorry whatever first of all
he's a real nice guy
all we did was
they were like
who have you got tomorrow
and we had a really
in-depth discussion
about fighting
he was so fucking sweet
so fucking sweet
he was actually spot on
with the way it went
he was like
he goes I can't see
who's going to win
but whoever wins
it's going to be one-sided
it's either going to be
one-sided wrestling match
that could be wins
or a one-sided boxing match
so it's a striking match
yeah
and then halfway through so he'd ordered his food with all of his mates beforehand and then we ordered It's either going to be one sided wrestling match that could be wins or a one sided boxing match. So it's a striking match, yeah.
And then,
halfway through,
so he'd ordered his food with all of his mates beforehand
and then we ordered
our food separately
and the plate of sushi
came out
and I had my two bits of sushi,
Barang and his
two bits of sushi,
Rickard and his
two bits of sushi.
You had one bit of sushi
and then Latifi went over.
He just,
he just leaned in
with his fucking chopsticks
and just took a bit of sushi off his plate.
This is a fucking light heavyweight fucking contender.
And I'm just like, fucking nomade.
No.
Fucking blind son.
No, no.
Don't fucking mess with my sushi.
No, well, actually, what actually happened was
you leaned into my ear and went,
Latifi just took my sushi.
You said it under your breath so he didn't hear you.
Fucking Queen Latifi.
Oh, yeah.
City Latifi.
Now that he's in a different city, you're giving him a big litsy.
I ran away to Spain.
I just lived back into Sweden.
So, yeah yeah he fucking
because he
nicked a bit
off the next
plate that
had come out
as well
it was like
these little
bits of
beef
he had to
paint with
that sauce
it was like
a paintbrush
and a pot of
whatever the
sauce was
too bad
from you as
well
he took a bit
I was like
honestly man
15 more bits
of that
and I'm going
to kill him
and he takes another one I'm like 14 and I'm going to kill him and he texted another one
I'm like fucking 14
and I'm going to do him
like
he's dead
I'll dodge it myself
please stop
please stop
I'm out of my words
so if you're saying
I look a bit skinny
that's because of UFC fate
I nicked me fucking lunch
he absolutely took your lunch
he took me fucking lunch
buddy
gave you a little
Chinese pie
to the end
this is something
we found out
as well
so
Barang
who takes us
to all these
nice restaurants
and promotes
because he's a
proper foodie
he promotes
all the gigs
out here
he's a good friend
of ours
for the last
five years
since the tour
started
and he says he's been trying to get gigs in South America.
So he looked it up and found out the UFC fighter Fabrizio Verdum
runs a comedy club in Brazil.
I'm telling you right now, that is a front.
Aye.
That's for something dodgy.
Sell it to us more.
I can't gig him.
Maybe he's just
banging the...
Because I remember
seeing it.
He is funny.
I'll give him that
because he's not the one
that does...
Who's against someone
who just kept doing
fucking silly faces
all the way through.
Fucking taking the piss
out of them.
Pulling faces.
I can't tell if he's funny
or not if I've just watched
a load of Tommy Toe
old cartoon videos
where they've made him funny.
I also reckon he might be one of the homophobic ones.
Are you making a judgement?
Are you just assuming?
No, no.
Because he's a bit of a knuckle-dragger.
No, no, I could be incorrect, but I think I remember it might be one of the other ones.
I think we should totally look into playing tributeute to Overdoomed's Comedy Club in Brazil
imagine Bomb in there
and he just comes up
and chokes you out
that's a level of fear
I don't need in my life
as well
I don't want to risk
him nicking me
do I
you've got a bad
history with the UFC
friends
just keep nicking
your stuff
oh man
should we do some
relationship advice do you think?
I'll go in there and pass it over.
I think I'll start.
I think next week, or not next week,
this is going out Monday.
On Thursday, I reckon we should go back to Michael Corner
because all the new listeners don't know what muggles are.
We could alternate some, couldn't we?
All right.
But I'm enjoying the advice thing.
So people can email mugglesandcream at gmail.com.
And if that's what you want to correct
us on all of our
ignorance
feel free to
we will read them
and learn
and thank you to
everyone that's
messaged by the way
we've kind of just
been picking one
at random as we go
so we'll probably
get round to yours
so here it is
I'm 38 and I've
been single for a
few years
not interested in
the whole getting
married and having
kids thing
just want to find
a guy to date
and do fun stuff
with but I despise
the whole online dating scene I've had too many crappy plenty
of fish and tinder dates so i'm gonna go down that road again pause heterosexual female or gay man
uh they have not said yet i'm going to go name check your name it's a right it's a guy it's a
right heterosexual woman i never seem to meet you guys in real life but there's one guy who I met by a bumble almost a year ago
I fucking love bumble, bumble's the best
Is bumble the one where the girls have to
get in touch? Yeah the girls have to get in touch
because obviously
the online dating scene is
before I answer this question just understand
mine's just going to come from a very different
perspective because online dating for men
and online dating for women are two
very different things. As a man what online dating online dating is is oh look there's all these attractive interesting girls
that i can talk to and the reason you do well with them is because if you don't send a dick
pic within three minutes if you don't make it aggressively sexual within 10 minutes and if you
have any form of chat other than hey how's you what you've been up to congratulations you were in the top one
percent of men in the world oh really man isn't that grim i've seen a little bit of jeans old
uh online dating stuff a bunch of uh my other female friends online dating stuff and just see
it's a massive confidence boost as a bloke just seeing all the messages girls normally get i've
been like i'm amazing like big if you treat women like human beings, which, which scientifically they are,
it was a controversial study,
but they've proven it.
So subjective.
Okay.
Peer reviewed.
Yeah,
if you just treat them like,
it's weird,
weird.
It's weird if you treat people like people,
they'll be nice to you.
So,
understand this is coming from a,
a different fucking place,
a privilege,
because I love online dating,
because.
Yeah, I'm, like, I've never known it. It's great. I've only ever done it, like, a different fucking place because I love online dating because yeah
like I've never known it
it's great
I've only ever done it
like over a decade ago
on my desktop
like MSN
and hot or not
the golden years of Tinder
are over
because now
because Tinder was a good thing
and then a bunch of shitty men
discovered Tinder
and then made it into a shit thing
so it made all
Tinder used to be fun
did Bumble fix that
did Bumble fix it
by making the woman
have to get in touch
I think
I've only ever had
positive experiences
from Bumble
whatever that counts
speak on behalf
of a fucking woman
it still might be
at shit
I don't know
the answer to that question
but what I do know
is Tinder got shit
because a bunch of
creepy men went on
and it started being
fucking creepy
and then all
the decent girls
well a lot of the
decent girls
had to fucking leave
and now you go on Tinder
and there's a bunch of people
being like
I'm not here for a
one night stand
and you're like
get off the one night stand app then
like there's other dating webs
there are dating websites
and even though Tinder
cannot explicitly market itself
as a one night stand app
that is absolutely
what it was
when it started
it was just a fucking
hook up site
and it was great
it was a grinder
for straight people
because they've been doing it
for years right
yeah
and man
the gays have it
sussed
and then
so is there
like specific ones
that are meant for
like looking for love
is that like
fucking
like match.com
match.com
plenty of fish
you fucking
Christian singles
and ready to
Christian singles
uniformed
all that sort of stuff
I never seem to be
cute guys
this guy's
ridiculously good looking
I was convinced
when we met
that he was a catfish
fucking been there
he's a strong 9 out of 10
and I'm a 3 out of 10
on a good day
well you've not
sent a photo
so I can't confirm
is she just getting
a touch to brag
I'm punching baby
yeah I mean at this point
if that is true
right
I'm going to trust you here
fucking virtual high five
that's incredible
there's nothing better
than bank
do you think she's
selling herself short
on her ranking
and selling herself
a bit too high
on her ranking
and they're probably meeting
near her in the middle
by the sounds of things
where she says
I've had too many crappy
plenty of fish and tinder dates
to go down that road again
sounds like a bunch of
shitty men have knocked your confidence
for no fucking reason
so you know
I doubt you're a fucking
three out of ten
it just sounds like
you've been in a bunch
of fucking relationships
I sent a photo
oh god
jokes Shaz.
All right, sorry.
But he turned out to be real.
We met up and we ended up having sex,
but we did the whole, I never used to...
She's just bragging.
Yeah.
Fucking get that dick.
Get that dick.
I never usually do this when I've met some bollocks
and he didn't ghost me the next day or anything.
Fuck it.
How sad a sentence is that?
That's worth...
Not for her,
but just clearly you can tell
the type of men you've had the misfortune of meeting.
I never used to do this.
And he didn't ghost me the next day or anything.
As if...
To men listening to this,
do you understand how low
all other men have set the bar for us, right?
If you are struggling to get laid as a man,
it's because you're a piece
of shit that's the be all and end all of it right if you're just slightly better than the worst
person alive you're the best person 90 of them have met we were whatsapping every day and he
was being really cute saying i was exactly his type and he was excited about us but he was always
at work traveling for work so it was near impossible to put him down to spend the time
with him so i got pissed off with it and ended it okay
six months later he messaged me out of the blue asking if he just saw me in Chester I wasn't but
we got talking again no intention of meeting up I knew nothing had changed but damn him for being
so fucking gorgeous and I had to uh hard to say no to great to let him come round but I gave him
the brush off when he tried to get gropey fair my cat died a couple of weeks
later and I was
crying
and he left
his friends
on the night
and then my cat
died
sounds like you
killed your cat
I'm sorry
about your cat
but it turns out
one pussy
was going to
get destroyed
one more
I'm so sorry,
but I'm also not.
There goes your not a poet,
Jason.
Can died and I was crying
tonight messing.
He left his friends
on a night in Liverpool
to come see if I was okay.
We got stoned
and then he put me to bed
and left.
That is fucking sweet as shit.
Well done, him.
That's,
but again,
base levels of human interaction, like, base levels of human decency that is, and it's sad that you think that's but again base levels of human interaction like base levels of
human decency that is and it's sad that you think that's above and beyond the college but also also
also if i'm on a fucking night it would be pals in liverpool right in one of them just fucking
smoke bombs irish goodbye and they're gone right and then i'm funny who's going to put someone to
bed because they're crying with a cat dying somebody Somebody that had their leg bit on lane. I'd be like, hiya man, do you have the morrow?
Do you see what I mean?
All you have to do
is be a slightly better person
than Guy Humphries.
I'm an eight-year-old man,
what are you going to do?
Fucking go...
It just sounds like
his mates were shit.
Three months later,
yesterday in fact,
he messaged me again
out of the blue
saying he had woke up
craving me.
I translated that
as he woke up with a stiffy
and wanted someone
to stick it in.
Fuck, they're on to us.
I was in college, so I didn't really entertain him much,
but we've been messaging today.
He says he's slept with one person since me.
He's the only guy I've slept with this year
because I'm not living my best life at the moment.
So basically, what's his deal?
Why do you think he keeps coming back?
It's not like he jumps into bed with him straight away last time,
but I do think it's probably just about sex.
But saying that, he is gorgeous.
He'd easily hook up with someone on Tinder and get them into bed with him straight away last time, but I do think it's probably just about sex. But saying that, he is gorgeous. He'd easily hook up with someone on Tinder
and get them into bed.
Well, I think he, say his number,
he's only slept with one person.
I don't think that's relevant at all.
I've actually said like a thousand or none.
I don't think that's like,
I always think that the person that you're getting with there,
figures like that, you've got no ownership over that.
It shouldn't affect you.
That's kind of what we're discussing too
if I'm having sex
or you're having sex with me
and we're not
and we're not doing
anything serious
you don't
you can ask
and I'll be honest
but you're not allowed
to get upset
by the answer
like there's no exclusivity
like
but I don't think
that's the point
she was getting
why do you think
he keeps coming back
I'll be honest with you mate
by the sounds of things
sounds like you're
a fucking real
tremendous shag
like
if you want a guy's perspective on it as someone who has you know is
has been single for several years enjoys being single the reason i go back to specific uh girls
more than other ones is because i enjoy their company after sex that's always a big one like
you know after you've fucking shot your load
you can just lie down
and shoot the shit
with someone
that's a fucking
real bonus
because you do get
the occasional person
and this is both genders
and all sexualities
we all know that thing
when you fucking
you fuck someone
and then all the decision
like it's all gone
and you go
I don't want to be here anymore
you know when I was single
I used to love me a bimbo
you'd kind of realise
that like
when like this is going to sound awful because bimbo aye you'd kind of realise that like when like
this is going to sound
awful because it is
but like you tolerate
like shit chat
and shit behaviour
yep
because you've
got your eye
on a physical goal
yeah
and then as soon as
as soon as you've
had sex
then all of
all of that shit chat
the rose from your glasses
fall off your face
fall off yeah
and sometimes you're there
going oh man
I didn't realise
how much I was
compromising myself
just because I was
shallow
alright
if he's
if he's coming back
I reckon
right
you
if he's coming back
you're not a three out of ten
that's my first conclusion
that's my first
conclusion there
my second one
is
it sounds like you're
a fucking great lady
and then also decent
chat to boot.
So, I don't know.
Like, I always end up
in these sort of situations
with girls where,
you know,
I enjoy the company
and I enjoy the sex
but I'm not looking
for anything serious
and I'm just,
I'm not looking for,
I travel the world
with this job
and I'm taking this time
in my life to be selfish
because you're allowed to do
that you're allowed to take time to only do you and not you know you don't hurt other people but
their feelings are not necessarily your responsibility the whole time i really like you
you go okay that's not my problem yeah like like i'm so and if i if you if you've led them on it's
a different matter if you've been them on it's a different matter
if you've been saying
oh you know
this relationship's
going to happen
or whatever
that's when it becomes
a dick move
but you know
I don't say stuff like that
you just stay in the thing
and you keep doing it
because it's fun
I think answering questions
honestly is key as well
like if somebody asks you
how like
how many people
have you slept with
you just fucking
just
like if he's done that
like oh just one
right
if he's just done that
like as a way
of like making you
make you feel
a bit more special
a bit more exclusive
then
then fucking
that guy's a jackass
yeah
like if he is
sleeping
like if he's putting
like
if he's starting
to fucking lie early doors
I think it doesn't matter
how many he's done
but it should like
yeah yeah
it doesn't matter
how many he's slept with
but if he's lying about it
then that's a fucking
bad start to the thing that's him trying to like lead you in a it should like yeah yeah it doesn't matter how many he's slept with but if he's lying about it then that's a fucking bad start to the thing that's him trying to like uh lead you in a
specific thought process yeah yeah but he's painting a very different image of himself
uh the i don't know can you go get the um um it's a true schedule um the other thing as well is yeah
by the sounds of things you're just a real fucking good lay and by the sounds of things you suck a
real mean dick uh obviously i don't want to assume here
but like
as a man
the reason I go back
is because the sex
is fucking great
and the chat afterwards
is decent
to boot
and if you don't want
a relationship with him
then just keep doing it
like if the sex is good
and the company's good
and you're both enjoying it
then just
keep doing that
but the second you start
getting feelings for him
or
vice versa just let him know honesty is genuinely the second you start getting feelings for them or vice versa,
just let them know.
Honesty is genuinely,
the second I started being 100% honest
100% of the time,
it absolutely changed.
That doesn't mean I've not,
you know,
hurt people emotionally,
but it wasn't,
you know,
those were just consequences
as opposed to vindictive,
like,
I don't know what I'm trying to say there.
But it just means the sense that
you can hurt people because
well yeah
it's honestly
it's amazing
Natalie once fucking asked
if I'd ever slept
with a prostitute
I was like
what the fuck
did you ask that for
I
but like
but it's like
the difference is like
I didn't
I didn't just fucking
put that information on her
like oh I don't lie
so I'm just gonna
start like fucking just start.
Like, just tell your shit that may bother you.
Yeah, yeah.
There's a difference between being honest
and just giving unnecessary truths all the time.
If you ask me a question, I will answer it honestly, right?
But you also have to take into account,
like, if you're not able to take that answer,
then, you know, I've lived a life.
We said on the last podcast,
I lived a life before you, and you don't get to hold me accountable to any of those things unless i've
murdered someone as well if you didn't lie you don't have to remember anything no it's so much
easier to remember a goddamn thing anyway hope that advice worked uh you're not a three out of
ten but if you want to uh prove us wrong send us a nude don't do that that was a joke what are you winging for
it's a podcast
first of all
it's pronounced
wanking
and second of all
snitches get cum
on their face
right we have to go
fucking shower
and get ready
so let's do this
I hope that advice
was good
after you threatened
to cum on us
right now we need
to get showered.
Okay, so genuinely thank you to everyone
who's come to the tour so far.
It's been an absolute fucking belter.
And welcome everybody that started listening to the podcast.
I know.
To the 1,200 listeners that we had loyally
for the past three years,
numbers have gone up.
You've now trebled in size.
Yeah, but to the original listeners,
you're the OG
fans and we'll
never forget you
I've new London
dates on sale
I've new Birmingham
dates on sale
Dublin dates are
on sale
I think there's
a Nottingham one
coming up
there's a Norwich
one been added
just keep on my
Twitter which is
no longer suspended
hashtag
you sweet Daniel
and I'm going to
be at all of the
January ones in 2019 because and I'm going to be at all of the January ones in
2019
because I've
postponed going
to Australia
so I could be
on them gigs
and I will be
in Australia
from Adelaide
which is in
February
mid-February
so this goes
out on Monday
Copenhagen
you are sold
out
Tuesday
we are in
Sofia
the comedy
club Sofia
I imagine
that's sold
out
Wednesday
we're in Timisoara I can Sofia I imagine that's sold out Wednesday we're in
Timisoara
I can't say it
Timisoara
it's Romania
Romania
and on Thursday
we are in
Bucharest
and on Friday
Constantana
which
Constanta
Constanta
which is a
new date on the tour
which I'm not going to be
I'm afraid
because Gareth
was going to join
you while I go to some of you all getting g-tip and then all new date on the tour which I'm not going to be at I'm afraid because Gareth was going to join you
while I go to
some of you all
getting G-Tip
and then all
the dates are available
oh and Vienna
hi Vienna
if you're from Vienna
me and G-Tip
are both going to be
opening
it's going to be a
double whammy opening
so it'll be a good one
also to
oh fuck
what's the name of those guys
that bring us weed
all the time in Vienna
oh yeah the Sloss Express boys yeah oh fuck I feel like an asshole for you know the names So it'll be a good one. Also, too, oh, fuck, what's the name of those guys that bring us weed all the time in Vienna?
Oh, yeah,
the Sluss Express boys.
Oh, fuck,
I feel like an asshole for... You know their names?
Oh!
Did we ever get their names?
Yeah, we did.
Yeah, we know it.
Mo?
Mo, that sounds about right.
Mo's one of them.
Hi, Mo.
Hi, Mo.
Anyway,
if you want to bring us weed again,
that'd be fucking sweet.
And also,
I did promise them
both free tickets to the show
because we fucked up
meeting up with them last year.
So get in contact with me and I'll sort those out.
Also, we're going to do the Your Dad jokes in a minute.
But what I've taken on is if you go to the Facebook page,
Sloss and Humphreys on the Road, the same name as this podcast.
If you found this podcast, you can find the Facebook page.
We've been putting regular content out on there,
but I've just started putting out the Your Dad jokes from episode one, edited down.
So if there's new listeners to the podcast,
you'll get to hear all the Your Dad jokes on catch-up
by joining the Facebook page.
Speaking of, your dad's conjoined twin hung himself
and your dad just hung there for three days
like a Christmas bauble.
Starving.
Your dad manscapes in public.
Your dad occasionally boils water just to teach water who's boss.
Your dad gets where he's going way faster if he hangs a carrot from his baseball cap.
Your dad eats corn on the cob like ice cream.
Your dad doesn't trust buttons so he sews his shirt up
to be doubly sure
your dad shoves ice cream up his arse
ooooh
ooooh
your dad essentially kisses the inside of his thigh
while he's jacking off
fuck I'm just in breath.
He got his ribs removed to do it.
Not to suck his own dick.
He got his ribs removed to kiss his inner thigh.
Your dad christened you by smashing a bottle of cavo
over your back.
Your dad held a seance on the ghost train at Alton Towers.
Your dad's iPhone only recognises his thumbprint if he's been
sucking on it for 20 minutes.
Your dad thought a dirty protest
was wearing sexy lingerie and sent the wrong message
to all of the other inmates at the prison.
I only recognise your dad if he's been sucking on it
for 20 minutes.
Your dad tries to rewind
the camera on his phone
after every photo.
Your dad thinks he invented
masturbating.
Came out of his room
and he was like,
Kai!
You've got to see this!
He may not have invented it
but he perfected it.
Your dad went to a fancy dress party
dressed as Winnie the Pooh
and got arrested
for having his cock out in public.
Your dad's morning routine
is to pull his willy really hard
like a lawnmower starter.
Your dad thought he could breathe in the water
if you just cut little slits in his cheeks
and now he's lost custody of your brothers
and they're both still in hospital.
Your dad follows your mum around
the house holding
her outturned
pocket
your dad trying to
jumpstart his car
using hair
straighteners
alright
bye
and if you still
want more but
the podcast finished,
go to kaihumphreys.com forward slash shop.
Watch my show.
You can do that now.
Go do it now.
Bye.