Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.30 Powdered Milk

Episode Date: May 8, 2019

With many months to catch up on Eliot Steel (Milk) joins Muggins as a Cream replacement service. With recent seshes to discuss they relive a few dark moments that make (mostly Milk) look like there may be a drug problem.  A new line of Muggins and Cream (and Milk?) merch gets announced so you can now all wear your team colours to the tour shows like the grade-A muggles that you are. 

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

I don't want no cream. A cream is a guy that can't get no milk from me. Hi, Milk. Hi, mate. How's it going? I'm here without my cream. This is Muggins No Cream. Elliot, bad boy in white, I fight a steal. Oh, sorry, I was mid-tea.

Back on the podcast. When was the last time you were on the podcast, Elliot? Was it the New York trip? Yeah. Did we do another Fitcast since then? No, we did a Fitcast before that. Yeah, all right. So it's been a good six months.

A lot's went on. Yeah, I haven't seen you since New York. So I've been in Australia for 10 weeks, which any regular listeners may know, where I was largely healthy and living well and going to bed early and getting up and going for runs and watching the football. And then Easter weekend hit,

and I'd done 10 weeks of drinking in the space of a week and a half. Oh, really? Yeah. I spoiled it. I have done. The wheels come off the bus. I've done fuck all since you've been away.

No, you have. You've been out of the tube. Oh, I went out of the tube. I learned to snowboard. You went out of the tube festival. 10 weeks worth of drinking atitude oh I went to Altitude I learned to snowboard you went to Altitude Festival 10 weeks worth of drinking at Altitude I want to hear about that

because you said to me because you went back to Muay Thai last week yeah this week and it's the first time you've done anything

since I saw you in New York so bear in mind in New York guys we were just like the way we approached New York was right we're going to get fit after this

so we're having mountains of pancakes fucking cigarettes coming out of them waffles we just lived like beer and anything we lived like

obese New Yorkers it was great it's pretty much how we lived beer for breakfast it was a good time it was great it was a fucking good time

but it was like right after this, you know how you do that? Yeah. Start on Monday. Diet starts on Monday. All right, new year,

new me. Like, you make a goal. So I kind of stuck to main and you just went, nah. Fuck that. I'd been to training a few times

but I did not follow any diet. So I was going, I was training a bit and I was doing a few weights but I would do the weights and then I'd go home and I'd go, why don't I just eat what I want? Yeah, but you don't look any different

because you're how old, 23? 22. 22, so you've got metabolism on your side. I'm gonna be in trouble in my olden age. So this is where you are right now. You're right in a fringe show. Yeah. And you're gonna go to the fringe.

Tell everyone what time your fringe show's on. I'm on at 12.15 at Bannermans free Fringe every day except the 19th so just to reiterate 12.15pm

yeah noon yep 12.15 noon yep alright tell me how you're going to do that

here's my plan alright now bear in mind remember this plan for when it doesn't happen guys alright I will bet you

100 quid here and now I stick to it 100 quid 100 quid 100 quid actually let's make it a tenner

no I'll make a bet with you I don't want to do a money bet I'd rather do like if it's a bet on a podcast like think of an actual bet

but in fact I'll bet you here and now, if I stick to this plan during the fringe, my name on this podcast has to be referred to as Bad Boy Muay Thai Fighter and no longer Milk. Well, you could be saying anything that just sticks because it's not going to happen. All right, okay.

So here's what I'm doing. So at the moment, and I'm going to stick to it, I want to be up about nine, have a bit of breakfast, all of that, maybe go to the Pleasance gym, do some weights, but then there's a Muay Thai gym in Edinburgh. Do my show, smash the fuck out of my show every day, and then go and go to Muay Thai at six in the evening and just do that. I'm not going to book in too many late in lives or anything like that.

Anything. Because that's the thing in Edinburgh that can push you out is doing a later show. Right. So the way I know this is plausible is because I've done it. I've done that in Melbourne. Like 2017 when I was saving up for the engagement ring. Yeah. I wasn't at the festival.

I had a job to do, which was my ring. Yeah. I wasn't at the festival. I had a job to do which was my show. Yeah. In a specific time. But as far as the festival social aspect went, I wasn't offered to do it. I lived out of town.

I had a bicycle. I would cycle in, do my obligations, cycle out, I would come into the gym. It is doable but you're going to be living in town

with your comedian friends. I'm living with Jamali. He's not. Jamali. He's quiet as fuck. He just sits there sad. Does he do a thing? Oh, fuck it. We've got to get Jamali he's not Jamali he's quiet as fuck he just sits there sad does his own thing oh fucking we've got to get Jamali back on

yeah he's back in a couple of weeks he's still in New Zealand I was hanging out with him I was hanging out with him in fucking Sydney it was so funny because he watched our Instagram story

of me Gareth and Daniel in the bath so basically what happened I'll fill everybody in that's some white boy shit there. I can't repeat what he said when I was dropping the end box.

He was like, you're not catching, you're doing nothing. You see black dudes here, like, if I was with a couple of my brothers from home and I was like, yo,

do you want to come get in a bath with me? Bro, he would like fucking do some exorcism on me. He would take shit out of me. I would be beaten. And he'd then be right to. He'd be like, nah bruv,

we've got enough to contest with. That's some white boy shit. Yeah, it's funny right, because, because I went and I hung around with him.

Every now and then, I'll do something like, fuck, there was one time living with him and archie maddox i lived with him archie and jamali and edinburgh right two black guys and mixed race not not me and uh one day they just fucking laughed because i was cooking chicken they just laughed i'm not even joking i just cooked some chicken because you're doing a

chair no i was just cooking my fucking chicken, bruv. I don't want, because their thing is like, oh, we got their thing, like,

you know, season it, put all of this shit on it. I don't want to, I don't want to die at 50 or fucking, like, no,

because have you ever seen like the jerk seasoning and all of that stuff? It's just, the salt content of it's insane. Oh, really? Because that's why,

that's why people die at 50. Because it's just full of salt and then they're like going so Jamali comes through

and he's like yo Archie Archie come look Archie comes in they both laugh

and then fuck off to their rooms and it took me like a year to

realise what they were laughing at they laughed at me because I bought some ready chopped onions but I was like that's just convenient they laughed at me because I bought

some ready chopped onions aye but I was like that's just convenient yeah that was just oh

it's just different cultures and what they bring to the table yeah but I will I'd love to get them back on here

man I'll fucking crack this up is that damn white boy shit that was funny though because I I'd

like it was the day Danny had recorded this show yeah so they were up and it's that time white boy shit that was funny though cuz I I damn like it was the day Oh Danny had recorded the show yeah and so they like we're just getting on it it was a bit of a celebration you know and a few people came back Jimmy McGee Sean Glockman and I've come back my gaff yeah it was good crowd was really good there Newcastle mattress on that just down on the background in the middle of everyone chatting and I took the fucking weed cookie well a cuz why I half in them and then I took a everyone chatting I took the fucking weed cookie well eh because we're like halfing them

and then I took a full one I was just saying I'm just going to take a full one I'm just going to fucking make myself out and then Jimmy was just saying that's a fucking good boy just fucking have yourself

a weed cookie run yourself a bath fucking chill we'd go to bed because I wasn't out that well even though I was partying I wasn't that well so I did that

I think everyone started leaving a fucking weed cookie starts kicking in I run myself a bath next thing you know fucking them two get in it fucking not quite what I

had in mind I wiped myself out the other night I went on the little dum-dum club podcast

did Angel so I went down they asked us if I'd come on it I was a punch drunk

on the weekend I come up on the train go straight to Angel you took MDMA before you got on the train

nah nah I'll come up on the train I'll come up on the train I go straight to Angel. You took MDMA before you got on the train. Nah, nah. I come up on the train. I come up on the train. I see what you did there. Good one. I'm a bit rusty from the... I haven't spoken to me in a long time. Rich as well,

this podcast, I fucking jumped on it. It's out there. It's the little dum-dum club. You can get it. I think I say about three words because the boat is on as the third guest. And then Ray Bradford started telling a story

that he couldn't get out of. He was like stuck on a loop, you know, when someone just gets stuck in a story and they can't finish it. And everything we said, like simply derail him and bring his story back like five minutes

and we're against the clock. So I couldn't chip in with anything other than little fucking quips to do with his story. Oh, right. Had he had a few drinks? Everyone was fucked. Oh, Ray does that.

Ray does that. I love Ray. If you're drinking with Ray, mate, fucking right, sorry I'm a die, fucking, what was the fucking thing? And you just go like...

And there's parts of the story I don't need to be there. Yeah, yeah. He's like... It was good entertainment. It was good to watch. He's like when a girl tells a story. Yoga.

Yoga, the podcast coming up with me. Just a little disclaimer. Yogo, the podcast come over, Will. Just a little disclaimer, all of the words coming out of Elliot Steele's mouth are not endorsed by the Muggins & Cream brand. What were you saying?

You know when, like, you know when there's, like, a drunk girl at a bar? You mean a bimbo? A bimbo. You're not trying to bring down a whole gender? Nah, nah,

you want to stick together but there's male bimbos too you mean bimbos I'm just giving them shit yeah give it

to them alright done too many podcasts with Daniel who's made you fucking do fat checks and all the

little things it's made me soft hasn't it yeah so you know when like a fucking bitch is telling

commit to the bitch come on so you know when like a fucking bitch is telling... Come in a bit, come on. So, you know, like I'm fucking about, you know when like a girl is telling a story at a bar, she's had a few drinks and it'll be like, and you meet her in a smoking area and it'll be like, this is my friend Stacey and Stacey is wonderful. And so we met back when we were at uni

because I was learning how to be a journalist, but I work at TK Maxx now. But then you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What is the story? Because I was meeting Stacey, then I found out you're not a journalist, now you work at TK Maxx. That is...

That's a good example. I just love that your window into the female world is just the people that you chat up off Instagram. They're the people you slay into the DMs of. And people that you chat up off Instagram. They're the people you slide into the DMs of. And that is your just cross section. That's your cross section of work. That's who women are. I like staying on my side.

They can stay on this. Oh, my dears. I'm fucking about, man. Speaking of Instagram, I told you that date story earlier. Do you want me to tell that later? Bookmark that. Bookmark that because I'm going to finish the point I was trying to make. So the Little Dum Dum Club are a big ambassador of Milan,

who you know Milan. A lot of our podcast listeners have heard of Milan already, but if you don't know Milan, if this is the first time you're hearing of him, he's Australian by accent, Serbian by birth, and he just appears in random festivals and places around the world and when Milan turns up

you are getting cunted and there's no two ways about it I don't know what he does he's an enigma I think he works touring bands and his hobby is comedy I think

he's in the music industry but his hobby is comedy nobody truly knows he tried explaining it to me the other day and I kind of stopped him I was just like you know what

I like it the way it is but that's how I know it's to do with music but I don't know what aspect of music so he just

fucking like this is how I find out he's at the fringe I'll hear him laughing and see him in my audience and then my heart will sink while I'm on stage

because whatever I had planned tonight it's fucking ruined I've had it before where I've been in Vegas before with Nick Cody and Sloss and Matty and then my heart will sink while I'm on stage because whatever I had planned tonight is fucking ruined. I've had it before where I've been in Vegas before with Nick Cody and Sloss and Matty and then fucking Milan's just rocked up because he knew he was our mates

and he fucking knew we were there and he fucking rocked up in Vegas. You just turned up out of the blue? Out of the blue. Fucking me. It was the wildest fucking weekend of my life. So he is in Serbia with the Dumb Dumb Podcast World Tour

and I know he's in Serbia with them and then he posts a picture of him and someone saying this is the reason I'm not coming to London and I just thought he wasn't coming to London he'd thrown that in as a little fucking red herring for me to pick up because he was coming to London he just wanted me to think he wasn't

so I turned up to the podcast, I got my bag ready to just hit and run, do the podcast, get off home I got my land on my back ready to just hit and run do the podcast get off home I got my land getting my land's brutal I got my land it was fucking brutal but I actually fucking

at the punch trunk gig I'm going to shout out to Jocelyn and Terry Bernard who they're from Fife but they come to the punch trunk gig

to live you know those guys they brought us a weed brownie and I decided then was the point to crack into it oh nice so I was given I was giving I was snapping off bits of a weed brownie and I decided then was the point to crack into it.

Oh, nice. So I was giving, I was giving, like I was snapping off bits of my weed brownie and dishing them round and people were like, oh, I'll have half of that and having half of the bit

I gave them and then giving me half back and I was just like, I'm not going to put it back in a tin foil so I just put it through the hatch. I fucking OD'd on weed brownie mid-bean Milan

and then I took a pill off Joey Page. What? What? I don't know what I don't know I don't know if you'll appreciate that I was a dealer

if you want to see Joey Page he's now on G-Wing for drug supply he'll be alright with his time he's cool he probably will

I'm not going to take any I'm not going to assume that he'll be all right so i'll just think i'm just not gonna assume he listens to the podcast that's that sort of don't have to edit anything um so i ended up right in that so that's what what was that combination like it got too much yeah so there was there was a point where um i'm holding my own in conversation right you know how i've always pride myself with keeping hold of the wheel.

So I'd get to the point, at this point in the night, right? We were out with Ray, who I didn't know very well. Ray Bradford. He's quality, right? So I think I'd met him before, but I'd never hung out with him until that night. Nicholas Capa. Don't know him. He was on the podcast.

It's fucking great what they did to Capa. Everybody wanted him to be on the podcast as a guest on the world tour right but he couldn't afford to travel around and it's not making

enough money to subsidise him so they decided to put it to the audience to crowdfund his travel but however much they raised

during crowdfunding they had to fucking make him go that far so like if they raised like a fucking just a couple hundred or whatever he'd have to get the economy flight there but if they raised, like, a fucking, just a couple hundred pund or whatever,

he'd had to get the economy flight there. But if they raised a few grand, they'd send him through China and Mongolia and fucking everywhere, right? Oh, amazing. They raised four grand. Oh. And he, to get the free trip,

he had to date in a tuxedo with makeup on and his hair straightened. Oh. In the cunt, has fucking travelled the world looking like a fucking boxing ring announcer has just been kissing the fucking one of the ring girls

and make up smeared across his face that's genius I've not heard this podcast but I already that's amazing it's so fucking cool right

that's so good so fucking I'm out basically with fucking Ray Bradren who's off his melon fucking Kappa who's wearing a tux

hair straight and I've just met them. I've met them before, but this is my first time hanging out with them. I'd lost Tommy and Carl, who hosted, who I know, and I'd fucking lost Milan. They'd out-fucked our home at this point. So I'm, like, out in Stoke Newton,

by the way, at a fucking Latino bar, where there's just people, like, fucking grinding up against each other, shirts open, medallions on. Oh, yeah, they don't. Unironic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they don't fuck about. And then all of a sudden,

we went in with like half the audience like fucking 20 people out of the podcast audience probably less than half but an amount right and then it just like

this fucking Latino bar just got like fucking swarmed with nerds essentially and it's just it was just such a

fucking clash of two worlds I'm looking over people with their satchels on like really fucking into podcasts and all that

like enthusiasts and then people like fucking listening to Sean Paul and trying to dance to reggae turn his dick off on a guy

trying to rub his cock against somebody that's a side of I've that's a side see what we've talked about Jamali calling us

white or something that's the thing I will always say I'mali calling us white or something that's the thing I will always say I'm too white to do is dance and it not be ironic and also if I was to sit

if I was to go into a place and that was the kind of dancing I'll just go no do you know what tonight I'm feminist yeah I don't agree with this like I can't do it

like I mean I can't do that but I hate to say it though the Lassies were loving it they are loving it they were fucking

twerking and backing up and draining right in with them and that and that and my school that works at my school there was the Jamaican

and Latino kids at prom yeah were doing things on the dance floor that they could not do post Me Too and everyone was cool with it

and everyone was 15 and it was the Jama it and everyone was 15. Oh my God. And it was the Jamaica kids and the Latino kids and then the white people were there going like, oh,

when's Come On Arlene coming on? They were really taking this shit out of them. Yeah, just waiting for Cotton Eye Jules so you can have

some human contact. I got doot doot. What's that one where you fucking sit on the floor and tap the seat what's that one can't I get in

time warp no no time warp let's do what's that one there's the macarena what's the one where you sit on the floor I know

everyone fucking sits in the chair there's people screaming at the podcast right now and you do the rowing sort of thing and then you it's an old disco one

yeah so it got to the point people say we disco one yeah so it got to the point people say we don't have culture it got to the point right where I was because I was fucking chain smoking as well

which I've been not smoking lately as well and like I just woke up with a heavy chest and I was like fuck what did I do that for but I had to like just technically

sell away from it a little bit and when people were talking I was holding my own in conversation but I had to let them know I was like this fucking weed brownie is kicking my ass right now,

like, I'm fucking really, hanging on in there, but like, they were just going, now you seem alright, you seem sound, so I was,

I was holding on to it. What was the, what was the, because, because a pill makes you go, I want to go and chat to everyone, and a weed brownie makes you go like, oh god,

what if we run out of oil? This, this is exactly what it did to us in the end, it made us want to chat to everybody, but it didn't make us want to socialise, Oh God, what if we run out of oil? This is exactly what it did to us in the end. It made us want to chat to everybody, but it didn't make us want to socialise. So I sat in the corner, I found something,

because I got to the point right where I was like, I need to get myself home now. There's nobody here that cares for us, you know what I mean? I was out with people who I've just met. There's nobody there that's going to make sure I get home okay. Also, you're a 36-year-old man. I'm a 36-year-old man, right okay like I'm sure also you're a 36 year old man I'm a 36 year old man right and I'm sure

if I fucking reached out to somebody like the cap or a brother like lads I'm fucked you're going to have to fucking look after me here like you know you've seen me before

where I've said you lot I went I was in a bifa and I took a second lot and I was like lads I'm in trouble like you're going to have

to look out for us it was the Ketamine that did you yeah because I thought I thought we were giving this thing a call I know sorry dad

I don't want to listen to this podcast I'm sorry I've hit a new low and it was two years ago can I just say that was one of the

most wonderful moments ever I gave Kai a little key he did it and then someone else came up I won't name who because I don't want

to throw people under the bus because I'm not like you gave them a key

I turned away and you both went oh that's a bit stingy and I went oh what

do you want a bit more ket and you both in unison went ket

I just watched people fall out of the sky I'd only been on the ket so anyway there's a I just watched people fall out of the sky. Yeah, because we just took... I'd only been on the kit. So anyway, there's a point where I've went, lads, you're going to have to look out for me.

I'm in trouble here. I'm going to be all right, but I'm just going to need some guidance. But I didn't really have anyone that I could reach out to in that capacity. So I was like, right, you know you're going to be in trouble. Get yourself home while you're aware of it,

while you've got the substance. So I went to book an Uber, and my phone was on like fucking less than zero. So I'm fucking just going around this Latino bar looking for a charger. I managed to fucking plug my phone in. And where were you? Stoke Newington? Stoke Newington.

So there's no tube station. So I just fucking, I get to my phone charge, and I'm just sat by my phone fucking bag on my back just like fucking so sad it's so sad

but people just kept on a rotation coming to talk to us like just coming to check if I was alright and then I was like shooting the breeze with them for five minutes

so I was just sat there just fucking treating me treating like all these people like your sushi just just coming

because Joey was there with his missus as well and she just kept coming and checking in with us and having a chat because like we've beaten a glass game treating me treating that like all these people like your sushi just come because i enjoyed joey was there with his missus as well and she just kept coming and checking in with us and having a chat because like we've been to glasgow so uh it was good but then i got my uber and got home woke up in the uber at my door not knowing where the i was because i bear in mind i've just been new york what's my life been lately it's been like it's been South Africa to Mauritius to the UK to New York

back to the UK to Australia like five different places in Australia to back home and like in the midst of this I just opened my eyes and I was like

where the fuck in the world an army who's there what a struggle look oh it was fucking great to see me home and then I just woke up in the morning

with the exact same feeling I woke up in the taxi feeling like where the fuck am I just woke up in the morning with the exact same feeling I woke up in the taxi feeling like where the fuck am I then woke up in bed like where the fuck am I fucking hell man that's why I don't do

the edibles because I don't really smoke weed anymore like I used to quite a bit and now I don't I don't touch the stuff and it's exactly that thing of like

it's I know I'll be alright on it do you remember when we ate those space cakes at Soss's yeah and it just it just went well like it's I know I'll be alright on it do you remember when we ate those space cakes at Saucers yeah it just it just went well

like it grew a bit more hot well we watched we watched three films yeah we watched Mr Deeds and we watched Chris Rock Down to Earth

both of them are the same film just one's with a black guy and one's with a white guy yeah it's essential that that's what it is and we were me and Colin had been like watching but even with one with a black guy it's one with a white guy it's essential that that's what it is and we were

me and Colin had been like watching but even with one with a black guy it's one with a black guy being a white guy yeah yeah it would have been

so racist the other way around oh they've got to do it Adam Sandler you've got to do it you're dying come back into the black guy

he's trying to fit into white culture please please there's nothing beyond you so and I just remember

lying on sofa you were asleep on the other side of the room so I was on one part of the sofa I was on this little sofa chair

it doesn't matter but I remember just lying there and going what the fuck and so the next night I did a bit more with Colin.

It was just me and Colin. I think we watched like every Blade film or something. Or over that weekend, we'd watched all the Blade films. That was the weekend where my knitting took a turn for the worse because I got high. Remember, I was knitting that scarf, and it was like really neat. And then I got high. And then people were posting me the picture of the spaders

that are given like a tiny nanodose of different drugs like caffeine and cannabis and stuff like that and it shows you

the spader webs change and it was literally that primal my knitting was that primal I took a thing and my knitting changed oh wonderful

I remember just one of the nights I was sleeping in Daniel's room Daniel was away I wasn't just like crashing in there and yes

I'm Piggy and no so and it was surprise guys anyone guess it and the only times I've had

to beep Elliot in the ear mode so I was in there and I went it's too cold I'm gonna die of cold so I went into the other room to the spare room and slept in there because it wasn't as. I'm going to die of cold. So I went into the other room,

to the spare room, and slept in there because it wasn't as cold so I wouldn't die of cold. And that's when I was like, I'm not doing edibles anymore. Because it wasn't that cold? No, because it's just,

you can't deal with the simplest of things, the simplest of tasks that I'm given. I just start, I find what weed's good for, it makes you think deeply. So there are bits of stand-up that are i've written because i've just been on the team and i've had a pull on something and it just makes you thinking a bit more of a like what do i really think about this

i think it's good for that but there's an edge where it puts you into like sort of mode do you know what i mean yeah like I just can't deal with that you find yourself just having to proactively stop intrusive thoughts and it's fucking it's exhausting

yeah and there's times when like you forget what you're saying while you're saying it and you forget what you're thinking while you're thinking it

and it's like it's just too much like you've just fucking it's a lot of admin you've just malfunctioned a little bit that's what's good about it at least you can't all day on it when you're all day on it that's the worst it gets yeah is that you just get fucking stuck in like a like you're stuck

stoned for a bit yeah yeah um like i was never i was never unsafe being on it no no i just think it's a weird combination to have with uh with a Yeah. It's like, are you taking an upper with a downer? So I did it so you don't have to. I do not recommend it. Yeah. Fucking challenge me. Yeah, I mean, you'd probably give it a shot. I've got some left if you want some.

What, weed brownie? A little bit of brownie. Fuck no, man. I've got to go on stage in a little bit. Yeah, don't take it. Jesus, that'd be me crying up there. Yep. So I got home

and while I've been away, they've opened a pure gym over the road. Right. And they've opened a knitting shop around the corner. For someone. Like, what the fuck is it? So I moved here

and there's a Mai Tai place and a climbing wall right next to it. Then I fucking go away for 10 weeks, come back and they're just going, oh, you've got two other hobbies how about we'll just put them here for you as well I think I'm going to open up

a weed brownie shop in a place that serves ecstasy next time you guys just to really tension well actually you say that I've been smelling

cannabis next door coming from the balcony next door so they've been smoking weed so there might be a potential supply next door so maybe if I oh you don so there may there may be a potential supply next door so maybe you don't want that

you don't want you don't want that neighbour who you end up smoking weed with and hanging out with man all the time because then it's like every time you see each other

you've got to now hang out you actually really don't want that you don't want that it's actually it was bad enough living with Sloss you don't want that

because that's because he's a he's a wicked big kind of guy when you live with him. Danny manages weed in a way that is so good. He gets so much done.

Danny... He gets shit done. Danny, like, he's fucking irritating. He organises comics in the Alphabetic Lawda. He just does shit like that. He's just practical.

He's just, yeah, he'll get high and then write he's just yeah he'll get high and then write a hit show whereas I'll get high and then like get Brentford into the Champions League don't get me wrong

they're both they're both impressive I'll get high and just fucking get locked into Hearthstone for fucking three hours which by the way Gareth Ward still hasn't

listened to any of the podcasts. I have a confession. What? So, all right, you see that you said when Gareth and Elliot listened to that podcast, that's the way they'll be able to play Hearthstone. So a little recap. That was the thing. Yeah, that was two episodes ago.

So I did listen to that podcast when it came out. Immediately. It was like half an hour after I released it. Immediately when it came out, yeah. Here's why I listened to it. Because when you put it out, you said there was a live Sloss and Humphrey show. I was fucking raging that I had not been asked.

I was furious. I was like, I'm listening to this to find out who the fuck's on this. And then I remembered you were in Australia. Oh, really? So you can... Because Elliot... Elliot texts me

saying that you text me saying that fucking that of course I listen to your podcast I fucking

owe me an apology and you took the moral high going on it I did I went back and re-listened and I was like

I do enjoy the podcast I do like it I like the podcast that I'm on yeah thanks for having me on but I do I do like it.

It does make me laugh. So as far as the live podcast went, right, absolute success, I think, is a live show for sure. The people that came to it loved it, loved meeting everybody, loved hanging out with people afterwards. Somebody went on an eight-hour trip because they lived eight hours away from Melbourne

but had uni in Melbourne but because it was Easter weekend they were back home with their family for two weeks so I think it was Matilda hi Matilda

so she what a hero she drove for that so I give her the mittens I knitted because I thought well if she spent a few hours on me

I've spent a few hours on her that's fair so I give her those mittens not that she'll ever need them in Australia but it's a bit of memorabilia

for the thing you know I'm sure she'd probably rather something of Danny but no that's why she drove for you

that was but you know what so as an event I think it meant the world to the people that went there

it meant the world to us that they came especially on Easter weekend when people are fucking spending time doing pre-planned shit yeah you know

and it was good I enjoyed doing it the guests were fucking awesome on it I don't know how it is for the listeners back home I've not listened to it yet

yeah Matty Matty said that he preferred it who gives a fuck what Matty thinks who gives a fuck about Matty thinks who gives a fuck about Matty

he's about to lose another house he's got back in his early relationship personally I listen to the Dollop podcast now and again

and every time that's live I feel like it's not really as intimate as it was so I don't know we're not we're not going to

make a regular thing of it unless there's a massive demand I doubt we will but we're going to do the odd one I better be fucking honest because it's like

a lot of podcasters slip into live podcast mode and every single one is a live podcast yes let's not do that let's keep it like this and then

say at Edinburgh Festival we'll put one on yeah I do prefer it where I'm just sat on your sofa drinking tea. Yeah.

And just relaxed. I would actually, in front of a live audience as well, it'd be horrible to know what would bomb. And also, if I started getting laughs on horrific things, I'd say, I probably would take it a bit too far. Yeah. It would go a bit like, oh, no, no, no, I was joking there, sorry. I mean, it was finding out that, you know,

when I do the little tunes at the beginning, it just got a titter, got like a titter of laughter. No. It just got like, ha, ha. No, because in your head, everyone's like belly laughing on their way to work. Well, I don't know if I was thinking, though, belly laughing. Right? But it was like, I knew it was funny because it winds Danny up,

and it was the not known that made it funny it was the not known if it went down were people that made it funny but now I just know that it's tepid it's almost like it's a draw it didn't stop you today did it?

nah, never will should I tell I told you this story before yeah for the podcast yeah and I was like oh it's

it's a shame because I I didn't think you'd want to tell the story on the podcast because it was a date

oh I don't give a fuck because now you've got all your fucking Instagram girls out there do the impression again

oh my god so Jennifer so we like started at school together and now we're only hanging out and it's so much fun. But like, no, sorry, no, do you have another cigarette?

Since all those girls are listening, I thought you were trying to let them all know that we're exclusive. No, no, no, no. It was a date. So I was going on a date. So it was just on a date. So it was just me and her having a few drinks. That's what it was, right? So I'm meeting this person by London Bridge. And I go meet her.

And I take, I swear to God, Kai, two steps. Two steps. And I look on the floor. And there's a bag of cocaine. What am I telling this on here? And then, and then I pick it up, and I look there,

and I went, well, one of us has been good in a past life. So we go, we're having a few drinks. We haven't done it, and we're actually, like,

hanging out. She's into it as well. She thought it was funny, so. thought it was funny so because that was because that's that's a rule of the days like some people like it's some I'm not going to

derail the story I'm just going to punctuate it right so a friend of mine who I will not name right was going out with a girl who he referred to as

Snow White because she's like like porcelain white squeaky clean right and he referred to her as Snow White and then one of his friends

texted him asking what he was up to tonight and he was like I think I'm just going to be banging Snow White right and he texted to her

right and she just went excuse me she doesn't actually it's called Snow White right and he just went oh sorry

that text wasn't meant for you I'm just there letting my mates know I'm on the coke tonight right styled it out she dumped him

for taking coke Let me meet you know I'm on the coke tonight. All right, still it out. She dumped them for technical I feel like it's different to do that because it's a historic story you're right without saying fucking early 20s that's a fucking amazing story

so we go we have a couple drinks we go to another bar and I go to her like fuck it should we do it and she's like all right you go for it so i go

and i do uh parents listen to this i do a line of it right and i do it right and i go that's the dumbest thing i've ever done i just found something on the floor that was like that was really didn't even like dab a little bit i just like i just did it and then i went, oh, fucking idiot, Elliot. You fucking idiot. Yeah, you know, there's these people that put razor blades

into the fucking parks. That's an urban myth. Urban myth stuff, right? But it's like somebody could drop a bag of something shitty in a nightclub. Yeah, and kill me.

And so I did it. My God, bro. Whoever dropped that bag of coke, I'm so sorry that you dropped absolute rocket fuel. kill me and so I do it my god bro whoever whoever dropped that bag of coke I'm so sorry that you dropped absolute rocket fuel oh dude

oh I did one line and I went I don't need anymore and I was sat in this place she goes to do a key and I'm just sat there

in this bar and I went I need to get up and walk around like I can't sit down so yeah it was a

it was a fun day and and then and she tell them what tell the listeners what you told me about where she thought it was a play so she she yeah this is the other thing so she comes out she does this thing and then she like sort of goes to herself hold on i never saw it on the floor i only saw him turn around and go, like, look what I found. So she was going, I don't know if this guy could have just been drugging me. And then, like, it could have been anything. Yeah.

Like, it was just like a play where she was like, like I'd rehypnoled her or something. Or like, because you said she thought it was a play where, like, you brought a bag of coke, you'd throw it down and went, hey, look what I've just found. Yeah, yeah. And then you have a great night.

I'm not smart enough to do that. I haven't got that ability in me. That is fucking... That is like Bill Cosby genius. No, that was a hip and old one. It's like fucking chess move. Yeah. No, that's like fucking chest move yeah no that's like

it'd be a fucked up thing to do but it's also a little bit like what's this behind your ear yeah

it's a little bit corny to do that also yeah it could just be like I went on a date with a girl one time and there was

a part where she was like we're both adults here but when I found it I didn't know if adults here like but when I found it I didn't know if she

did drugs so I immediately found it lit up like a just because you got excited just by the way you didn't even test the water didn't even test the water imagine she was like

oh god you should call the police and you're like you have to stay allowed you're like I just found a bag of coke oh my god like quickly your fingerprints are on it And you're like, you have to style that out. You're like, I just found a bag of coke. Oh, my God. Like, quickly, your fingerprints are on it.

Yeah, so I'm not like a Bill Cosby sort of... Well, you know what? It was probably the giveaway that you weren't trying to drug her was probably the fact that you racked yourself up a big bump a lane first. I came in more chatty than tired. I didn't do a big one. I just did like a little, I'll tell you how good this line was.

It broke my phone. My phone broke, so I had to go get my phone fixed this weekend. You might have just given it a power outage. I don't know. I might have just sniffed up my battery from my phone. That's why you're so amped but yeah it was uh it was one of those things where i did it i still i mean i that story's out there now yeah i probably should

have thought about telling that no you did you did you just told it to me at the coffee table and then i was like you should tell that on the podcast you're like man all right go on then anyway so you didn't think about it so my show this year is about me quitting drugs is that it yeah it's got a bit about it about cause cause well

I don't want to give too much away about it but like spoilers but it's anyway I was trying to think of a spoiler

but I didn't I didn't want to spoil one of those are you doing the thing about your 100 days off a little bit of it's about that are you doing about the end of your 100 days off

about the last the end of your 100 days off? A little bit of it's about that. Are you doing about the end of your 100 days off? About? The last, the end of your 100 days. Wait, don't tell this story. All right. Go on then. I knew that was going to happen. Because every story on here is now going to involve,

the whole podcast has been us talking about drugs. Everyone's going to think we've got a problem. Yeah, well, it's a drug podcast, isn't it? That's the episode now. Like, you know, sometimes it'll be on a theme. Fuck to think we've got a problem yeah well it's a drug podcast isn't it that's the episode now like you know sometimes it'll be on a theme fuck man we've done ones about knitting we've done ones about

Dungeons and Dragons I've not been on them once we've done ones about Muay Thai yeah you know there's ones that have picked a theme yeah

often you know we talk about Muay Thai people don't like it we're tired about fucking knitting people might think it's a bit shit like Dungeons and Dragons

might be over a few people's heads every now and again the podcast is about a thing that is for some people and it isn't for others and if this one isn't for you

fucking loser nerd so right you can decide who's the loser after this little story oh it's so bad

Elliot took a hundred days off everything. Drink, drugs. Sausage rolls. Sausage rolls. Had a Muay Thai fight in the middle of it where the shit kicked out of me. So 100 days clean,

which is the fucking battle cry of someone with addiction. Not I've quit, but I am going to show that i've got control of this yeah right which is it controlling you essentially no i disagree i disagree because my thing is like i can pick it up and put it down whenever i want the reason i did it is because i had to focus i i'll tell the audience this i'd fucked up in edinburgh fringe yeah and you're coming in short i was coming in short i'd fucked it up and I didn't have my priorities right. So I had to sort my priorities out and one of those priorities was putting all of that down and not just showing myself but sort of showing the powers that be in

the comedy industry. Hey look I'm not that guy. I can take it. I can I can take this seriously. Yeah. So you did that and it was a success. Yeah, I could do it whenever. It was 100 days down to the minute, right? And then because I was back in London, and that coincided with your 100 days running out. Let's go out. You're like, shall we go out?

And when midnight hits, we can get on it. Yeah. And we'd done our gigs. We met up at about 11. We ordered a drink, and you had your first pint on midnight. I didn't we'd done our gigs, we met up at about 11, we ordered a drink, and you had your first pint on midnight, and we're cool. I didn't drink,

I didn't even drink that night. I was still like, I don't fancy drinking. Nah. No, I didn't drink at all. I remember, I remember it differently. My first drink was at

Phil Wang and Tom Rosenthal and Ian Sterling's birthday. Okay, that just made the story even weirder. Because you were tanning the coke that night I didn't I didn't know that you were sober

I was sober why didn't you stop cutting the coke I wasn't telling you you're making it out of my coke Danny I did let me tell the story

because you're going to tell it no no no I've got it I've got this no you're just correct as I'm stopping right because I was that I wasn't tanning the coke so you weren't right you're going to tell it no no no I've got it I've got this no you're just correct as I'm starting right

because I was that I wasn't that in coach so you weren't right I'm going to say I came back

from a gig in Essex this is what it was I was doing a gig in Essex I came back

met you lot and then I met you lot at Peckham Levels oh yeah that's where it was in my head

I had a Soho theatre so we did meet at Soho theatre we went to Peckham Level, and then we ended up coming back here. But I had been sober up until I got back here. I hadn't touched a drink or anything. You drank here though? No, I didn't. Because I was just like, I didn't fancy drinking.

But that was the whole point of the night. Was that your 100 days had finished? My 100 days had finished, but I just wasn't drinking. For whatever reason, I wasn't, I didn't fancy. But that was the whole point in the night. Was that your 100 days had finished? My 100 days had finished but I just wasn't drinking. For whatever reason, I wasn't drinking. Right, this makes it weirder, right,

because now, I thought you were drunk that night. Why? Turns out you weren't. This is why the ending of it will make more sense. This makes it even weirder,

right? We had a fucking neat idea you were sober. I thought that was the whole point of the night. No, that wasn't the point of the night at all. So anyway, anyway, I'm going to get to the crux of the story. We've fucking diluted this with fucking fake news, right?

Is we'll get back to here, this flat, where currently Natalie's flat. Natalie was out as well. Now Natalie doesn't, she doesn't touch coke, right? But we had some, and it was in these like folded up lottery tickets and we woke up in the morning to an

absolutely tidy house immaculate tidy and then it turned out Natalie had got it up at a reasonable time before us tidied around us and we woke up to that right and you were like oh where's the lottery ticket? The folded lottery ticket from the thing that had me corking. Oh no, you just mentioned the cork fish.

It was like, there's no cork on the thing. And you went, it wasn't in a plastic bag, it was in a folded up bit of paper. And she was like, oh, in that case, it's in the recycle bin.

So fucking, next thing you know, you've got the recycle bin out along me kitchen floor rummaging through and I went through and went, what are you doing?

And you're like, I'm just looking for me cork. Elliot, Elliot, you're telling me, you've just been 100 days clean, and on the first day after 100 days, you're rummaging through your bin looking for drugs. Yeah. So let me just say to the listener

what had happened. We'd, someone had picked up, I'd put money in, got some, did a bit of it, and then I just wasn't, I wasn't like straight back into sesh level like I had been I was just like

which is why you had some left in the morning I'm just going to say in your defence that's why you had left in the morning and then it was it was also

because like I was still at that time in my life I was fucking wary about seshing because I was like oh am I going to go back into it

oh you lose your tolerance and like just do it not just a tolerance thing but like am I just going to go back into it are you losing tolerance and like just do it not just a tolerance thing but like am I just gonna I didn't want to do like a sesh turn into a sesh turn into a session because I you you know how it is like you go out and you party and stuff but you are my thing is now what I've got to do this Edinburgh which speak to you before about I can't fucking I've learned about myself can't do, I haven't got the ability to set things aside. So I'm either, I'm either doing it or I'm not doing it. I have not got the ability like you can to go like, oh, I'm out and I'm now doing this.

Fuck it. That's the way it's gone. Yeah. Like, but I've still got to get up and do this, this and this tomorrow. I can't do that. So I'm either like, right, I'm not doing it. I'm in this. I'm training.

This is the morning. This is it. Gig every night. Right. That is what I do. So that's my lifestyle. Or it's just like, ah, fuck it. I'm going to eat at McDonald's.

I'm going to do like, you know, and it falls like that to everything. You've got no balance so I I'm quite wary if I do like uh I did a few weeks earlier this year where I just I just found out I hadn't been drinking I just found myself not drinking yeah and I was just suddenly like doing it before altitude and then I went I did a gig at the I was at the comedy store this is really boring but I did a gig at a, I was at the comedy store, this is really boring, but I did a gig at a comedy store, and I ended up having a drink there, because I was like,

fuck it, you've just smashed the store, it was for my agency showcase. Slipping that in there, what? My agency showcase, and I was like, you can have a drink here.

Oh yeah, that's the thing, don't begrudge yourself, like, if you're at a point where, like, you're trying to do well, but then you find yourself in a situation,

where like, you don't want to rob yourself of that situation, you fucking go for it. Yeah, I just find it like I'm still because of what I've been doing. So we'll make a decision. He has his choice for you, right? After here, what time is it now? 45. It's 10 past three.

No, it's the actual time. So Natalie and Kat are getting in about six o'clock, right? We've got a good three hours to kill before they get here. Here's an option for you. Do you want to come to the gym

or do you want to go out for a paint? Let's go to the gym. Do you want to? Yeah, yeah. That's a choice. I've been to Muay Thai today already,

but I'll go to the gym with you. All right. I've got a gig. I'm easy with it. I haven't seen you in a week, right? If you want to come

to the gym and have a gym session, let's do that. If you want to go out for a paint, we can go out for a paint. Do you want to go to the gym and have a gym session let's do that if you want to go out for a paint go out for a paint go out to the gym right look out for my Instagram stories

Stephen Stephen sticks to his word let's just say this have a look at the Instagram stories let me just say this because this is probably the most honest I've ever been

because I've never I've never really spoke about this right on the podcast like I speak about it to you but even within our group of friends I'm very wary about speaking

I don't mind coming on and telling my drug stories I I hate the fact that there was a point in my life where I was a guy who was not handling his shit yeah

like I'd never want to be at that point in my life again yeah and it's you didn't have your affairs in order your ducks in a row

yeah yeah yeah I didn't have my affairs in order. Your ducks in a row. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't have my fish in a barrel. That's not the statement. But yes. I didn't have any, I don't know. But yeah, I didn't have stuff in the right order and looking back on it, I wasn't in the right place anyway

to be doing that and I was then turning... Yeah, well, when your physical state and your financial state and all of this stuff like your business isn't in order your mental health

can be in decline yes that's kind of the foundations like I know some people's mental health like even if their family life

and their funds and everything's well their mental health like is declined but for somebody just in general somebody who isn't mentally ill

in general your mental health can be ill if you don't have them foundations in order and my mental health is not in a good state when they are in order yeah yeah i agree yeah um so uh i i found like it's very odd we talked about this on the podcast before. When you turn up to a weekend and you're known as someone who like, we'll go out for a few beers, not necessarily a party, but you go out for a few beers.

The minute you go, I'm not doing that. The look of surprise on people's face is like, oh, I didn't know everyone saw me like that. Do you know what I mean? Like when people are like oh what do you mean you're not drinking and you're like

nah man I ain't on the booze or anything and you don't want to go you don't want to say I'm sober because there's people out there really

have drink fucking issues yeah and like it's not like I've like turned up to my kid's fourth birthday like

down the bottle of Jack's and tried to fucking just eat the birthday cake because I heard there was Jägermeister in it yeah like if people give me that like fucking try to like peer pressure me into having a drink

which is because you know I just lived healthy there in Australia and every now and again you'll get someone that peer pressures you right and you just get like I just like like I don't need to prove myself to you

yeah like if we got a fucking huge vault right and put in one corner we got a fucking huge vault and put in one corner everything that I've ever drunk and taken in one corner and everything you've ever had in the other corner, you'd look like a fucking pussy. So you'd stand there fucking twisting my arm. Like, oh, you're not having a beer. Yeah, but I mean in the sense of when you've had people like that,

I had, I'll tell the podcast listeners this if we're being honest, are like not when you when you when you've had people like that i had a competition i had i had i'll tell the podcast listeners this if we're being honest i had like people that be the powers above yeah step in and be like and and actually they've spoke to me about it recently when they're like dude you wasn't that bad you was just being a fucking 22 year old yeah and it showed and we're just letting you know you can't be that in this game do you know what I mean so that's why

I'm trying to cover for those six stories that I just told just in case anyone listens and they're going like Elliot's done it and then they'll listen

at the end and they go wow he has matured that's what I'm trying to do so we're going to the gym after this nah fuck that I'm going for a beer

I've already been to the gym. We're going to have to go into dad jokes soon, but do you want to do a quick mobile call now? Did you get everything written down? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry for taking everyone on that tangent, but I thought it was a time for that. Yeah, it was like,

you know what it was like a little bit the last five, ten minutes was a little bit like you're reading the small print at the end of something. You know, like the fucking little disclaimers, the little asterisks, like when really no one's buying it for a second.

You're a fucking reprobate and a mess. the fucking little disclaimers the little asterisks like when really no one's buying it for a second they're going you're a fucking reprobating mess yeah but also it's I'll tell you what we've talked about real quick

we've done the Punchdrunk weekends first time we've done weekends I shouldn't give a shit can you not no go ahead we've doubled them

so we had one on in Ascherton one on in Pegswood it's a fucking Pegswood club as well so did I tell the story on here about us fucking getting into a fight one on in Pegswood. It was fucking Pegswood Club as well. So I tell the story on here about just fucking getting

into a fight with someone from Pegswood in Albufira. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was fucking in a hole and I was like, oh, is that cunt

going to turn up? Like, I mean, it's a proper small town. And I was like, oh, what if this lad turns up? And then like, now it happened.

But in the end I was just thinking, why would he turn up? Like, if ever there's a time to get us, it's not when I'm in a room full of me mates. Like, that would happen. But in the end, I was just thinking, why would he turn up? Like, if ever there's a time to get us, it's not when I'm in a room full of me mates. Like, fucking a hundred of me pals in a room. And also, like, why should I worry about him? Should he not be the other way around?

Why? Because you knocked him out? Why? Like, how that deferred... Because you think two steps ahead of, like, things like that, and you know you think two steps ahead of like things like that and you know how lads think

and you know lads won't rationalise that as they'd want a revenge it wouldn't be that guy's in a room with a bunch of his mates it's that cunt's in my town

do you know what I mean that's how guys think yeah but it turns out it didn't turn up but it also turns out a few people who knew about it

come up and said that I'd done the town a favour oh really so yeah so i went around those gigs and there was just a great moment where so my brother gav who you know i'm just letting the podcasters know and runs the gig so me and gav are always at the same gigs every time that the punch drunk's on since the start in 2015 and this was the first one where i was on since the start in 2015 this was the first one where

I was on one without Gav he was on at one gig and I was on at the other and then on the

next day me and Gav did the same one and there was an Ashton gig went ahead completely

without me and Gav so that means these gigs can run independently of us like we can

actually run a Punch Drunk gig without us there now we've got Can and Ryan and

everyone trained to run the gigs so massive moves for Northumberland let's just get straight to

that that was as good as my little disclaimer at the end that was business more than anything fuck off

fuck off that was just there you did so offensive these guys have been keeping up with my career for fucking

three years now they've been keeping up with my coke habits for way longer shall we do a quick muggles because I haven't done a muggle in a while

yeah I don't want to overrun the podcast though so let's flash them you go muggles will shit on things for supposedly being nerdy yep so we've had this

with specifically it's Mark Nelson yeah I knew that so it's good who will and he's doing it as a bit

but he also means it so you've got Tom who's into Magic the Gatherer and card games yeah and I was playing that with Tom in Altitude you've got me

you and Danny who are into Hearthstone and Dungeons and Dragons you and Danny who are in Hearthstone and Gareth who's into Hearthstone as well but like Gareth doesn't know that

we're into it well still dealing on the slang until he listens to the podcast we've got Cullen who joins us in Dungeons and Dragons

now with Hearthstone with Magic the Gathering with Dungeons and Dragons you've got fucking Mark Nelson just fucking too cool for school bag on one shoulder because it's uncool to have it on two shoulders,

conforming to the fucking laws of the playground, going, oh, he's a fucking loser, he's playing out of that. But created a Game of Thrones WhatsApp group so we could all discuss about dragons and what zombies attack each other. But watches the wrestling and really enjoys when Rick Flag was... Woo! You know what I mean? the wrestling and really enjoys

when Rick Flagg goes woo you know what I mean like he's only nerdy about the things that he believes

to be cool even though it's not so to bring this back to make it like a muggle thing is I was telling people about Dungeons and Dragons and they were turning

their nose up at it and I was going you will have a great time it's so much fun it's like it's a board game it's just a lot of fun tabletop game it's a much fun. It's like a board game. It's just a lot of fun.

Tabletop game. It's a tabletop game, whatever. It's a fun, it's just fun. And it's a proper laugh. And that's all it is. But you going like, that's fucking nerdy. And you go, yeah, it is. It is.

It's great. What do you think? None of them nerds are having fun. So is reading. And I don't do that. I don't give you lots of shit for it. Yeah, it's like being selective over what's geeky, isn't it? Yeah.

It's like sat there in your fucking ivory tower. There's definitely a reference to Boonan being in an ivory tower. And that being role play, but I lost it. I'll just give you the ingredients of the joke. It's all right. Very IKEA joke, that. Yeah, well, there's a bit missing. that being roleplay but never mind I lost it I'll just give you the ingredients of the joke very Ikea joke that yeah well I was on it it was a bit missing I thought you had to

assemble it yourself so yeah he's got his own fucking nerd shit that he'll defend yeah I was just using him as an example

yeah but that is that is people that is people who's like more specifically, I know it'll have been brought up. I don't watch Game of Thrones. I did it last one.

Right, yeah. Don't, shut up. That was last week's. So this one I've got in here is, right, one, yes, royal baby enthusiasts are muggles. Yes. Right?

But that's so obvious, right? They're the muggles. The muggles are people who get enthusiastic about the royal baby enthusiasts. Like, somebody's getting excited about the royal baby right they're the muggles the muggles are people who get enthusiastic about the royal baby enthusiasts like somebody's getting excited about the royal baby

and they're like oh my god I can't believe they're getting excited about the royal baby and I know I'm just the degree of separation behind them now

being the fucking third tier so I'm putting myself in muggle corner by pointing this out but the second wave of royal baby posts is the fucking

grimest read ever have you seen some of the funny ones though at least the people who are enjoying the royal baby posters the fucking grimest read ever have you seen some of the funny ones though at least at least the people who are enjoying the royal baby

are enjoying something are getting into something are showing an interest in something like all the other people that they have shown a non interest

in a thing but shown an interest in a thing that isn't a thing yeah but I agree you should go into mogul corner

but there is something weird about royalists you know hardcore royalists in this country don't if there's any

American or Australian listeners you won't you won't get you won't get it it's Australia's Queen too it's not really though

is it it is yeah it's not though it's a fucking 24 hour flight it's their queen fucking get your own queen

and suddenly I've come to where I love the queen half Nazi accent it's a fucking 24 hour flight it's their queen fucking get your own queen and suddenly I've come to I love the queen half and Aussie accent I can't do Aussie I'm having a nice time I'm having a nice time

there is something weird about them do you know what I mean like the people who queue up to watch the queen go past and it's such a great day.

And you go, okay, there's a few too many people. Yeah. We don't need that. I'm so into it. I'm so into it. You know, but maybe that's their nerdy thing. Maybe it's their fucking real-life Game of Thrones. They probably just can't.

Why is everyone that bothered about the fucking Iron Throne? And everyone's obsessing over who's on that and that's just fucking made up there's actually a throne and there's people who are heir to it

but now what if they were fighting I'd probably get behind it and they were getting usurped and the queen is also a giant lizard

like in Game of Thrones yeah there's so much lizard stuff going on online every time there's a royal thing isn't there yeah

just call my joke hack yeah it's so joke hack yeah so much so hack that said we could tackle it for longer but I didn't

want to overrun yeah royalists in muggle corner yeah in the royal baby wave and the anti-royalists by proxy

and you put in Mark Nelson specifically just Mark Nelson yeah sure Mark Nelson in the corner okay so

plug a few things before we do dance yes so as I said got my fringe show 12.15pm

you know what come for the great jokes stay to see if I've actually committed to this he has an idea I'm going to come to the fringe

for a weekend let's get cunted on one of the nights right and stay up for it I'm going to come to the Fringe for a weekend let's get cunted on one of the nights right and stay up for it I'm actually the weekend you're up is

I can't I can't come out that weekend at all yeah yeah sorry so you plugged the Fringe so I've got my Fringe show

12.15 Bannermans on Instagram editstill.com and Twitter no on Instagram I'm at

editstill on Twitter at editstill.com on in June I, on Instagram, I'm at editstill. On Twitter, at editstill.com. On, in June, I will be doing a preview of my show in Bristol. On the 12th,

on the, what am I doing here? Sorry, everyone. On the 24th, I will be back at Top Secret doing another preview. Someone came from it.

He was a podcast listener last time. Yeah, good. They're coming to shows. It was great. I get so nervous when I'm in podcasts. listener the last time. Yeah, good. They come to shows. It was great. I get so nervous when I'm in podcast listeners

because they've heard. They know everything about you. Your stories can't be fucking twisted or fake on stage because of how it was in real life. And on the 3rd of July I'll be in Leeds

doing it and on the 14th of July I'll be at Piccadilly Comedy Club doing it. There's some other previews going on as well but those are the ones I'd like you to come to.

I've got some fantastic news for the podcast listeners. It's great news. First up, I'm going to do this one plug and one plug only. I'm doing a show at the Soho Theatre, 8.45 on Saturday the 11th of May. So this Saturday coming. I need an audience. I haven't done anything in the way of promo. I've

got it on at the same night Daniel Sloss is playing the Palladium which is like my entire audience are going to be at the Palladium so I need to fucking no but like 30 yeah my entire audience

the people that would have been in the fucking Seoul, Vienna will actually just be seeing me anyway at the Palladium right who's done that

yeah ridiculous the agent done fucked up the agent done fucked up but My agent done fucked up. But it's a fucking gross oversight. I'm going to open for Danny in front of anybody that would be at my solo show, and I'm going to run over to my solo show where I am expecting a hardcore bunch of you to be.

I haven't even checked ticket sales. I'm just assuming. I'm expecting a hardcore bunch of you to be there. It can only be you guys. Who else will be there? It has to be the people that have seen us already like you've had the Friday show

or last time we were in Leicester Square Fiat yeah plug your show at the end of Friday as well yeah I'll plug it at the end of Friday I'll get them in there

but there will be an audience it's not just going to be you sat there but com 845 we don't we never fucking ask for any money on this podcast

we never we realise we can do live shows we're not going to date we realise we can Patreon we're not going to date we realize we're with patreon we're not going to date we know we can get sponsorship we're not going to date both didn't want to sponsor post didn't the fucking you know what even if they came knocking new i can't fuck the fuck off but by the way i'm still going to wear your product and plug it all the time but no too late if they came we went we're not going to go she went we're not going to do it but then just carried on carried on

like doing it like they were sponsors just without any of the money or the free phone shit I swear to God I would do that so here's the good news for you after I've just fucking said that

you can buy merch you can buy Muggins and Cream merch from mugginsandcream.co.uk let's just double check into that one and not.com so we've had a podcast listener big shout out to um to robert gibbs who set this up so he designed a t-shirt and made it

for himself right and we fucking love the design we're like that's fucking awesome where can people get that from so he put a shop selling this t-shirt in um like as unofficial merch i just got in touch with rob and i was like hey Rob how about we make an official merch you can design and host it and we'll reach out to the audience

and get it to them so they can find it it's mugginsandcream.co.uk so do you not make any money off it it's basically just the fucking cost of it

I tell you T-shirt mill will make a bit of money off it hopefully Rob will get some of his money back that he's invested in the website and stuff like that

in the build-up of it. And if there is any fucking bits and bobs that would make off it, we'll just use it to fucking give the guests a bit of cash, a bit of our money on the podcast. That'd be great. Your face lit up. Now it's in your best interests.

You're going to buy a few. Guys, so that's mugginsandcream.co.uk. Mugginsandcream.co.uk, right? And there's some great ones. There's some knitting ones. There's ones for faces. There's team mugginsandcream.co.uk. Mugginsandcream.co.uk, right? And there's some great ones. There's some knitting ones. There's ones for faces. There's Team Muggins. There's Team Cream.

There's a Team Milk Hoodie. No one's going to get that. And it's got a question mark at the end of it. So let's do a prize goes to the first person that takes a photo of themselves in a milk hoodie. What's the prize? The prize is you'll retweet it

to 50 followers yeah I will retweet it to my 50 followers and there's also where have you been since 9-11 t-shirt and and

can I get a photo of someone in the airport with that on please that would be nice yeah so yeah you won't need a photo

it will be on the news as an international incident thanks to Robert Gibbs thank you so much mate we would never have been proactive enough

to do that you're a fucking legend for daylight and I hope people enjoy wearing this stuff I really like the designs and it looks like they're wicked man

they're really cool quality garms so yes I'd love to offer you a free one but I'd just have to go online and buy it myself and send it to you

because there's no stash of stock it's not like we've done it like if we'd done it properly like that we could have had some money but like I said

we're not in it for that I don't even get a free t-shirt nah I've got to buy my own branded t-shirt yep fucking this podcast

why do people listen to this but you know what Buy my own branded t-shirt. Yep. Fucking this podcast. Why do people listen to this? Well, you know what? If it was a functional podcast, we'd have to do it regularly. It would have to come out at a specific time. Nobody's invested in it. We probably couldn't have a 10-minute story where someone tells us about the cocaine

and then quickly tries to backtrack on it. We can do that with both sub-entren. You're right. Elliot. Yeah? Your dad does this party trick where he puts his tongue up one of his nostrils and it comes out the other.

Kai, your dad did a Facebook post called 10 questions I'd like to ask Kate McCann and all 10 were about how does she make a lasagna. That's good. It's a shame it was offside with a stumble it would have been a good goal that one it's never going to make match of the day your dad thinks the square root of pie is pasty

your dad wrote and read a poem on the 25th anniversary of the massacre titled I'm done with the pain from Dunblane. Oh no. When your dad's running out of frairy liquid, he tops it up with water and gets another week out of it. He does the same with milk.

He does the same with lube. He's even tried it with diesel for his car. That was really good. Your dad tried to hide the fact your mum's dog died by dressing up as an Alsatian and growling at the postman. Your dad rolled a split for your mum when he sprinkled a bit of gunpowder on her

because he doesn't like her that much. Your dad is trying to learn how to kickflip. Your dad clenched his teeth tightly together throughout his entire best man speech and his best mate's wedding. Your dad keeps getting Mal his teeth tightly together throughout his entire best man speech at his best mate's wedding. Your dad keeps getting Malala Yousafzai and Mia Khalifa mixed up, but he still powers through his wank.

Oh my God. When your mom had a cesarean section, your dad rubbed salt in the wounds by grabbing a handful of salt and rubbing it in the boobs. Your dad has a, if found, please return to the pub shirt. To be fair, he has only worn it once, but your mum reckons it ruined her wedding day. What was the title of it? Your dad has a, if found, please return to the pub shirt.

If found, please return to the pub, sir. Your dad's mating call is tough, soft, double armpit farts, and he does it around the playground during the school run to impress the mothers, but it only seems to make the kids laugh. Your dad's favourite thing in the world is to watch a film set in New York in the 90s and point out the Twin Towers. Where have you been since 9-11 your dad didn't have a plunger

so he unblocked the toilet with his bare foot your dad got shanked in a school playground your dad's got a picture of his dead ex-wife up in the house

to remind his current wife not to fuck with him. Your dad wanted to show your mum a new movie learned at Taekwondo and now he's not allowed within 500 feet of her. Your dad filled his pillowcase with soil, put a couple of mixed seeds in it and he waters it

every night with his tears. His tears only should have been grown rice. Everyone at work thinks your dad's a dick not because his ringtone is the crazy frog but because it went off during a minute's silence for Barbara who had lost her battle with leukaemia and he quietly hummed along

laughter laughter laughter laughter it's good to be back alright I'll see you all on Saturday in Soho Oh, Barbara. It's good to be back. Quite some liquor. All right, I'll see you all on Saturday in Soho, because you're definitely going to be there, not the Palladium.

Bye, Merch.