Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 3.31 Getting to Know Each-other

Episode Date: May 17, 2019

Muggins and Cream quiz each other about themselves to see how well they know one another after a decade of solid time on the road together. To get there you'll need to listen to their opinions on Game of Thrones and Scottish football first. Anyway, they're back touring. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road Muggins and cream, cream and muggins Straight thuggin', livin' the dream And that's our intro Fuckin' muggles Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha!

They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack Aww, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia

Where have you been since 9-11 you know what to say don't you no a mugger's in the hand is worth two in the cream and we're back

Sluss and Humphries on the road once again back on the road actually this time we are back on the road this is something

that happens a lot when we you know mind you we didn't do it in Australia I will argue that we weren't

technically on the road in Australia we were staying stationary in Melbourne and we did do some we're just lazy pieces of shit now we're actually on the road it's only each other's company so that's why we do it even though we were

doing separate things we weren't we're not as in love as you guys think what we're saying is don't do a petition because we'll have to go back and do Australia again. Oh, my... Like, you're going to be petitioning... Can we...

Can I and Daniel do Australia again because we didn't do the podcast the way we wanted them? Oh. Oh, there's not too... Can we just do it? We weren't meant to be doing Muggle Corner this week, but... Straight in.

Straight in. Straight in. If... Oh, half a million of you. Every single person that signed that fucking Game of Thrones

petition to have it fucking last season remake because you think writers are incompetent

you are all muggles now understand episode 4 I thought was one of the worst bits of television I've

ever watched in my life that being said I kept my opinion to myself and also I understand how

difficult it is in fact I don't understand how difficult it is to write a show that goes on for fucking eight seasons with so many characters

and then to cross and make every single ending. The amount of effort it takes them to do. They've made you this thing that you are not paying for. Shut your goddamn fucking mouth, you ungrateful sacks of shit. It's not even the ungrateful. It's like, who the fuck do you think you are to demand that it's not even the like ungrateful it's like who the fuck

do you think you are to demand that it's done a specific way the thing that didn't even exist without like without the people

that created it as if you have a fucking right to it it's just yeah the world owes you nothing and also

this is another thing you know what I thought was happening when you because you I thought you were jumping on the bandwagon complaining about

episode 4 because I watch it independently quite like they've tuned into the whatsapp group that were in that I had

mute and I was like oh not them as well they've been turned also that was a fucking beautiful bit of television I really liked it I really liked the

tension when they were like discussing treason and stuff I mean you can say nothing happened but the I mean I didn't want to put spoilers in i don't know where people are at but fuck it right there was plenty of action i ended up fucking rhyming off like to elliot elliot went oh not much happened and i rhymed off a bunch of shit that happened and he kind of absorbed it like you'd understood but he'd already had his stance and he'd instead of coming back

just nah nah it was shite and i was like nah but I've just unravelled your argument when I say nothing happened obviously something happened in the 80 minutes it wasn't it wasn't the game of thrones same thing for 80 fucking minutes

and then also one of the things that people were complaining about and I'm not talking about the 500,000 people that petitioned is the fast travel how are you complaining

about fast travel what did you want to watch all the guards get dressed as well you've got to do the fast travel I know the first complaining about fast, what, did you want to watch all the guards get dressed as well? You've got to do the fast travel. I know the first couple of seasons, right,

the shorty, the road from King's Road, you can't do that there and back every time, right? It's like they go, oh,

this is how, you have it on a game, right? You'll travel there and they go, right, that's how you travel there. Log that in,

that's how you travel. And the next time, just click on it on the map and go and imagine that that's what happened. Right, we get what happened but I thought when people are

mentioning stuff like oh we didn't see the fast travel we used to be going on the journey with them and you're just scared that it's coming

to an end so you want to say about every last moment every conversation that's had every step you're panicking

that it's coming to an end and you're like oh no that was too rushed that's what's happening also you don't know what George R.R. Martin

is going to do and this is one thing where I'm slightly on the other side of it right and I would hate to be one of these people and if the British

McMichael corner is so fucking big absolutely fuck George R.R. Martin to the fucking grave absolutely fuck him to death like write the fucking book you can't

petition for him to die no no no I wouldn't but all I'm saying is, for me personally, without any further, I hope he's destroyed his fucking legacy.

Like, he's just a lazy cut man to me and look, I'm not... Is he not just working on something that's making him more money?

He started writing this book, right? Not now, he didn't know how it was going to go. He didn't know that it was going to pick up. He's writing it

for whatever, six years, he's powered seven books. But for me, for me, I genuinely, even if he has to go something else

I find it genuinely disrespectful to fans I find it absolutely disrespectful see when fucking Star Wars right was remake it was doing the fucking

new one there was a guy who'd waited all of his fucking life he can't even do two podcasts a month aye they're not the real fans

I wouldn't even know how to pay money that's what happened is like you started getting money you started getting money from the TV side of it so you wrote alongside them

for the TV because that's where way more people are watching it way more people are like absorbing a story than what we're reading

but he's also he's not been writing on the fucking show that's where people are complaining he's not oh when he released The Hedge Knight

as a book fuck The Hedge Knight I would book. Aye. He's just going, fuck The Hedge Knight. Aye, it's, it's, it's, it's, I would never,

look, this is, the reason we go for the podcast is because my main job is fucking stand-up comedy and that's where my fucking fans are and that's what I want to

often find. This is bonus fucking, this is bonus fucking comedy. You mean like, if two-thirds of the way through the tour you just went, nah,

I'm just going to do the tour, no, no, I'm going to cancel the rest of the tour and I'm only going to do the podcast, right?

If every single one of my fans went fuck you we're not listening to you anymore I'd be like I brought that on myself you have

like tough shit welcome to welcome to welcome to what having fans is like it's a fucking responsibility right

and it's the Star Wars thing there was a guy who'd wait all of his life for fucking Star Wars and he'd been diagnosed with fucking cancer right

and it was coming out in fucking December and he was given until fucking October and JJ Abrams went you know what I fucking come see it in a private fucking screen I want you to fucking see the Star Wars movie and they do this guy there's a big fucking they petition for the guy to see it and he went and saw it and he died he had his big petition for people being like he wants to see he wants to see the he wants to see the fucking last or the this new Star Wars movie

before he dies and they fucking did that right George R.R. Martin has been writing this for 25 years fuck him hurry the fuck up it doesn't take that long it just doesn't and the only reason it's taking that long is because you're just not doing it

because you're writing other fucking books stop it stop it and if you think he just doesn't know how it ended oh man

he absolutely doesn't he's like I got the idea I don't know I just start typing I've got seven books and I've got a fucking Like, when I just start typing, like, I'm seven books in, I've got a fucking Scooby where this is going. I'm reading a book just now called

Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss. I just read both. Very, very good fantasy fucking books, right? I think he wrote the first one like eight years ago and he wrote this, or the second one came out like maybe five or six years ago. He's openly been like, guys, I know this is a dick in a while.

I'm not working on it. I'm really trying here. I want it to be as good as fucking possible I'm trying I'm trying I'm like you know what sympathy for you like you know I can't imagine when that's

now he's like George R. Martin it's been 75 years since he last wrote a book it's just not acceptable but we're still getting to enjoy his work we're still

every fucking Monday you get to enjoy his work but what I'm saying is we would have enjoyed we would have enjoyed his work more like as much as I hate people fucking complaining I'm saying is we would have enjoyed we would have enjoyed his work more like as much as I hate people

who complain I'm really looking forward I don't want to do any spoilers I'm really looking because each chapter is from the point of view of a person I don't want to give

too much away but before the pivotal point in episode 5 the last episode it showed you a person's face before an action happened we all know who I'm talking about

and we all know what the fuck happened, right? But that was just a facial expression from an actor, right? I really want to know what went through her head. Like, I really want to read the chapter of the book where, because you know when you're reading a book and it's like you're inside the head of like, what's the opposite of protagonist?

Antagonist. Antagonist. And you kind of start understanding their way of thinking if it's written well even though you're not on their side and you can see

that what they're doing is wrong you can understand how they got to the action they got to right the TV can't do that these

I don't care about fucking spoilers if you haven't watched the new Game of Thrones stop the fucking episode now and go watch it and then listen to this podcast fuck you

it's been out for almost a week grow up people that are going on about being like Danny character arc is rude because she fucking is rude

no it's not since the fucking start this whole story of Game of Thrones the whole fucking story of Game of Thrones it's called a song of ice and fire

that's what the whole thing is called Daenerys Argerian is a foreign invader coming over to a land from a mad land of fire to reclaim a throne that was never fucking hers in the first place. She's been the bad guy since the start. Just because you're a fucking dumb cunt. And the only people that were trying to get her to stop burning the ground

saying you would be a good queen, you would work, is the people around her, like Jorah and like Tyrion. They're trying to fucking reign her in right and she's trying to create destruction from the start

it's only ever been a council that kept her on the straight and narrow and as soon as she fucking got there like so fucking it's basically the whole story

of Game of Thrones is the Aesop fable of the scorpion it's because it's in my nature because that's the one isn't it yeah yeah him and the scorpion and the frog going across frog says to the scorpion it's because it's in my nature right because that's the one isn't it yeah yeah

him and the frog the scorpion and the frog going across frog says to the scorpion can I have a lift across the river and the frog goes no you'll sting me and the scorpion's like

I'm not going to sting you because I'm trying to get across the river too it's not my benefit to sting you then halfway across the scorpion stings him and the frog's like the fuck's that about he's like

it's in my nature I'm a scorpion alright what do you want yeah and that is the whole of fucking Game of Thrones is everybody succumbs to that who they are everybody's like it's in my nature I'm a scorpion alright what do you want yeah and that is the whole of fucking Game of Thrones is everybody succumbs to that

who they are everybody's like it's in my nature like fucking the whole Arya story arc is that's not who I am alright that's yeah and it's just

it's from the everything's coming together perfectly I think everyone's just everyone's becoming who they are it's so unlike Daenerys Targaryen

to burn didn't she watch her brother get murdered brutally with hot gold the way she the way she got her fucking dragons

was by burning a woman alive who killed Khal Drogo that was she did it in season one you fucking moron you don't deserve this television show

because you've created a fucking character and you go make it my way make it your fucking self absolutely it's the same

it's the same thing like this is muggle across the board anyone that sort of goes you know what happens on twitter

a lot of people being like oh stick to comedy you go do fucking comedy then if you don't like something do it better

or shut the fuck up right as much as I'll yell at a TV when a footballer is being shit never never to their face

sort of be like you're shite at what you do because you don't get to tell someone they're shite at someone unless you can do it better I'm sure you were there actually

I saw Andy Carroll in London you know he played for Newcastle and then Liverpool signed him for like fucking stupid money and that was the spark

of Newcastle going well spend the money you've just sold a player why are you not spending it and there's turmoil in Newcastle because we're the money you've just sold a player like why are you not spending it and there's turmoil in Newcastle because we're cashing in

on players well first of all say thank you to Mike Ashley no say thank you to Mike Ashley for all he's done

for the club aye I think if I England football star Rio Ferdinand it was very clear that you all owe Mike Ashley

a big old thank you yes well I can't bring myself to even ironically thank him in case it gets taken out of context and there are words online of me saying

thank you Mike Ashley fuck fuck yeah so he kind of left under a dark cloud none of it was his fault in my opinion

I saw him in London and Andy Carroll just to make sure just him in London and Andy Carroll just to make sure just to make sure Andy Andy Carroll that happened

with Gavin Gavin my mate Twig looking across the bar sure that they were looking at Peter Ramich who played for Newcastle at the time

and one of them thought it was and the other one thought it wasn't and it turned out it was right but the way they worked it out't and it turned out it was right but the way they're working out

is twig whacked up the end are ye ramage are ye ramage that's become like a little catchphrase for like are you joking

are you like what time are you picking us up six in the morning are ye ramage pick up at nine smack on so Andy Carroll

and shook his hand and went thanks for your service at Newcastle and he looked fucking bewildered because he's probably

just used to getting shit off Newcastle fans also you money grabbing cunt you know like people or it wasn't Andy Carroll

oh there is that it's like it's just some fucking he's a three foot black guy oh Evra I'm a footballer

but you're way off yeah so you wouldn't give them shit oh man I fucking love being at the Toon game on Sunday last game of the

season was it 4-0 it was 4-0 against I mean against Fulham and it meant nothing but it

was fucking exciting being in the away end right the crowds were chanting so they started off with just

chanting players names on the pitch right and different songs just you know standard you know preschool stuff

yeah yeah yeah so you see where this is going eventually right no no no let me I've got questions right let me

like what are the Newcastle chants because like the only chants I really know are not good ones I know East Fife's Roly Poly

Mon the High Beats sorry that's Hebs East Fife's one East Fife Shagged Your

Wife said East Fife Shagged Your Wife East Fife Shagged Your Wife said East Fife

Shagged Your Wife well this is theagged your wife East Fife shagged your wife said East Fife shagged your wife well this is the classic we hate Sunland we hate Sunland we hate Sunland there's also Geordie Boys taking the piss

the Geordie Boys taking the piss there's a bit of banter that one alright who are you taking the piss over in that just anyone

or just in general we want you to stay we want you to stay Rafa in general we want you to stay we want you to stay Rafa Benitez we want you to stay there's that one no there's em

we are the Jordies the Jordie boot boys and we are mental for we are mad boot boys we are the loyalist football I don't know

football supporters the world has ever had we are the I'm not going to keep doing it thank fuck hey me lads you should have seen us going

running through the Scotswood road just to see us standing all the lads and lasses there all the smiling faces running down the Scotswood road to see the

bladed races oh me lads I'm not going to keep doing it please don't you said that two songs ago and then you continued to do it so I feel like I'm not going to keep doing it please don't you said that two songs ago and then you continue to do it so I feel like I've been lied to

so anyway thank god regular songs were going there's another one another one it's not going to work but eventually people started chanting

She-Ra which I'm going to let you have it and they know he doesn't play for them anymore right it's been a long time right and then they start

then they start chanting there's only one Bobby Robson is there there's none Bobby Robson is there there's none Bobby Robson but there was only one Bobby Robson and now his name's

been taken off so if you're a woman called like Sarah Robson and you have a child and she's like can I call it Robert they're like

nah nah you can't call it something else alright Bob no no we see what you're doing Missy there's only one of them loophole no you can't call it something else alright Bob no no we see what you're doing Missy

there's only one of them loophole so so when somebody in the audience was to click down and write these are historic chants

and then someone just started going Andy Andy Cole he gets the ball he scores the whole fucking crowd was chanting Andy Andy Cole

90s Jesus it'll be a nostalgia sing-along but then every single chant that'd come out was just a fucking

historical chant sometimes like pure fringe players like Albert Luque remember Albert Luque no they were doing 1-0 down

4-0 4-1 up Albert Luque wrapped it up we'll rhyme up with up. With a knick-knack, Paddy White goes on and beats Sunderland. All right. So they just started pulling chants in the back.

I mean, kind of on stitches, because this is like a little trip down memory lane. I feel like footballers are really the only... Sorry, football fans are the only true bards of modern day. It's like back in the old days, there used to be people would go around following heroes I will sing songs of your feet

good sir I will tell of the time that you saved the queen whereas you know obviously people sing songs I will write a song

in your honour it'll go something like this um and Rafa brought in Ron Don get yourself a goal son did they deal with West Brom

no I did a fucking cover of another song as well I need to get to more football games but I'm just too far away from things yeah that's

you've done a beautiful analogy about why Scottish people follow the Premier League oh because you've all got your team

you've got Chelsea and Gareth's got Arsenal and it all just depends on what era you got involved in it because you've got to choose right and also yeah you've got your and Gareth's got Arsenal and it all just depends on what era you got involved in it because you've got to choose right and I know yeah

you've got your things you were always supposed to wear that people would be like why don't you watch your own league it's like I do watch

my own league and I find it very fucking dull and it's also not on television all the time and I'm not going to in the same way in the same way that I don't only

watch fucking Scottish cinema I'm going to watch the things that Hollywood make just because I'm from a place doesn't mean I don't get to don't eat Italian food any country that says

I'm not allowed to enjoy football in another country is quite frankly should be fucking confined to their home the reason I watch the English Premier League is because I fucking

hate England not as a place to visit not as a fucking people as a symbol I fucking hate England imperialistic imperialistically I fucking hate England

I love English people I get all my fucking emotions do you have British imperialism in your soul though like here's a question

when you're filling in a form and it asks where you're from Scotland right no no no and you're looking for United Kingdom you know that's what you're looking for

right because they never break it down into Scotland, England, Wales right Northern Ireland they'll put United Kingdom you know that's what you're looking for

if you have to scroll are you a little bit pissed off Kingdom you know that's what you're looking for if you have to scroll are you a little bit pissed off because you know sometimes it's right at the top there's USA United Kingdom

totally and then you have to scroll and you go I've got to go past Uganda you mad cunts no top please

like and now there's less of them but you must still have that imperial like that's not imperial that's not imperialism

that's just I'm used to something you've changed it I'm used to my option being at the top it's got nothing to do with people like we deserve to be at the top

no no I'm used to being the number one no no but you also go to Spain go to a service industry and just

speak English I mean you have been known to slip into French but generally you'll you just expect it that's what I mean

by that like that it's good that we recognise it it's bad that we have it I don't think it's imperial I think it comes from imperialism but I don't

I think it's wrong to say just because you do it it's entitlement it is entitlement but I don't think it's like there's no way a fucking Spanish it. It's entitlement. It is entitlement, but I don't think... It's like there's no way a fucking Spanish person would just walk into fucking WH Smith

and start speaking Spanish and expect... But it's not entitlement in the sense that I'm like, fucking, I belong to the United Kingdom. When you're still on the third of the planet, you'll do what I fucking say. It's like, hey, realistically, I know because of imperialism, I know that most of us have rudimentary...

You know more rudimentary English you know more rudimentary English than I know rudimentary French. I'll happily try and talk to you into French, as you've seen me fucking do, and I'll try and speak fucking Spanish, but I'm really just waiting for the moment. But the bit that you don't see is that in their spare time,

they're figuring that shit out, they're working that English out, they're doing that. There's never a part of us where we're going, God, I've got to try and tune up my French. Aye, and you know what? It's because they don't speak fucking Spanish in China

and they don't fucking speak Italian in Russia. Like, it's not, like, if we're talking about Mandarin, you've absolutely got a point. In fact,

you know what? Spanish is actually a bad example because South America is a common language there. Spanish is a bad example, but even then, it's, it's,

people, If there's more places where I'd need it. If everyone agreed on Spanish as the universal. Yeah, if anyone, God, I'm so fucking lucky that people just universally choose English. This is an argument that people come up with all the time, and it's a fucking horseshit fucking argument.

They're like, you know, actually, Mandarin is the most common language. You go, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's because there's so many fucking Chinese people. That's why. Mandarin is not common globally. It's not spoken in fucking France globally it's not spoken in fucking France it's not spoken in Serbia

English and it shouldn't be but welcome to fucking imperialism like that's yeah like it's more people's first language

it's nobody's second language there's like a billion people speak Mandarin but I've got about six of them speaking as their

second language and I guarantee I guarantee you like a whole bunch of them their second language is English what's an English person's second language and I guarantee I guarantee you like a whole bunch of them their second language is English was an English person

second language French Spanish Italian I mean majority the majority of the answer would be second language

I mean I could do an Irish accent yeah yeah I could say where's the swimming pool my analogy on English football was it's

even though I hate England as a whole it's like having a neighbour who's an absolute fucking cunt and one day you sincerely hope he dies but his wife's hot and he fucks her

with the curtains open and that's the Premier League yeah that's the Premier League be like I fucking hate you you get to peer in at his hot wife which is the fucking

best league in the world just watch him be like of course he's left the blinds open I'm going to watch him fuck his hot wife it's not because I like him it's because I like what he's doing it blinds open I'm going to watch him fuck his whole wife it's not because I like him it's because I like

what he's doing it's a good for you I don't appreciate what he stands for yeah I think that's when I fully understood why you

like choose because like why don't you support Blythe Spartans like no I root for Blythe Spartans

I don't show them any support because I want to watch top flight football I root for East Fife but I'm going to watch them any support because I want to watch top flight football I'm rooting for East Fife but I'm going to watch the Premier League

I like football because I like what happens on the pitch and when I watch non-league football I'm not enjoying what's happening on the pitch

it's scrappy it's masterful at the top level and also if I fucking tell you right now if East Fife or fucking Hibs

were to have a thing where they were like, hey, here's a season ticket for your fuller laptop, you can watch every single... I guarantee you I'd watch every single East Fife game. Yeah, if I could watch the highlights of the live game, I'd 100% support them. It's definitely a coverage issue as well.

Yeah, it's an absolute coverage issue. Like, Premier League... I would 100% keep up with that team, know all the players, and if I could, tune the players and like if I could tune in for 90 minutes if I could but watch every single highlight

so it is definitely like but also like I'll watch fucking any game I can in the Premier League because I love sport but I'm not

it's the same reason I still watch the fucking World Cup but I'm not allowed to watch the World Cup because my shite country is not in it fuck off

like it's the most worst thing in the world that must be really frustrating that like you know for like say you and Kevin Bridges and Lewis Capaldi

and people who have reached a level of success where they're getting all of the like everything you've dreamed of is happening

even the fucking most unsuccessful poor English person gets to watch that team in the World Cup oh no there's like there's something

completely out of your control it's so frustrating there's nothing you can do it's so frustrating the fact that it's just not you could become a billionaire

if you couldn't do this is what we're talking about in type but no if I became a billionaire I could absolutely do it make Scotland a good team absolutely could

how? you can't sign players no no no but it's not about that the no if I became a billionaire I could absolutely do it make Scotland a good team absolutely could how you can't say in players no no no but it's not about that the reason if you want to get into why the Scottish national team you think you could change

the infrastructure of Scottish football 100% 100% you think if you put money into the clubs that wasn't demanded back by ticket sales

no no no you fire every single fucking person currently in the SFA you get rid of every single one of them right could you still have it in your lifetime because you get rid of every single one of them right could you still have it

in your lifetime because you're going to have to start from scratch if you're ripping it out but there's the thing about fucking wise men plant plant seeds for trees

that they'll never have to sit under right so what you do is you leave the world a better place than you fucking left it if I never see Scotland

in the fucking World Cup so fucking bad but if they pull everybody out the people that are in there want like they're the people that are in there they're the people that want something from Scottish football no no no not in the SFA Cup so fucking bad but if they pull everybody out the people that are in there want like they're the people that are in there they're the people

that want something from Scottish football no no no not in the SFA no they absolutely don't it's all fucking this is the reason Scotland used to be

one of the reasons Scotland used to be a very good fucking football team is the Tartan Army was one of the best fucking fan bases in the world

like consistently in the World Cups that we were in before that we won the awards for the best best fans in the world the reason it fucking changed is because the SFA is that they were in before that we won the awards for the best best fans in the world the reason it fucking changed is because the SAF

is that they upped the prices at fucking Hampton so fucking much they outpriced Scotland fans right to fucking people working class families

right a fucking friendly matches they're all the lowest level fucking it's something like 50 fucking quid so the fans stopped fucking turning up

right you can't charge much for a Scotland game like that right it's fucking it's absolutely fucking they should be like trying to get people in so the fans stopped fucking turning up right you can't charge much for a Scotland game like that right it's absolutely fucking they should be like trying to get people in

so the fans stopped fucking turning the real fans stopped fucking turning up it became a fucking statement thing like there was no fucking thing

so the players it stopped being an honour to play for Scotland a lot of Scottish players don't see playing for Scotland as a fucking honour

and it takes it's going to take it does have to change from fucking within it is possible it's just not going to happen I know how these could do

just fucking get Matt Ritchie in why the fuck does Matt Ritchie not get a call up because they've got their fucking agenda for who they want to play

for where and how they want to fucking sell tickets and who they want to be the fucking manager what you need is you want a manager you want fucking like

Beazle from fucking Leeds right Bielsa yeah you want him do you want a manager like that like a Rafael Benitez from fucking Leeds right you want him do you want a manager like that like a Rafael

Benitez who can like take a team of players that are like not the big money players but they can play football

and organise them in such a way also stop signing stop making fucking SPL like Scottish Premier League

players are chosen above Championship Scottish players because Scotland has still this idea that if you talk to any

Celtic or Rangers fan they'll be like Celtic or Rangers could survive in the Premier League I'm like cunts you couldn't survive in League One

like what are you talking about for some reason Scottish players want to play for the and I understand that Scottish players want to play for the clubs

they grew up fucking watching and I get that and I fucking respect that there is like that patriotism. And I've got zero problem with that. Like fucking, I really like players that go, this is my club

and even though I could go to a bigger club, I love this club. I've got a lot of time for that. I think that's a fucking sweet thing. Yeah, but if you're a footballer, you're also like a businessman and you're claiming a career.

If you're playing for a club, even if it's the club you adored as a kid, if you get offered a better job is there any other fucking place in the world where like you

you get offered a better job and you take it and all of a sudden you're a fucking traitor for taking a better job like with a pay rise and a better experience yeah yeah yeah

like if you no but if somebody offers you a better job you've just been offered like any job that you leave and put your notice in because you get offered a better job

it's not you're not being a traitor. You just took a better job. No, but you'd still be seen, you'd absolutely still be seen as a traitor. Like if you work for one of the best fucking agencies in the world

and then you fucking sign for another agency, you're absolutely seen as a traitor. And whether that's your client or whether you're an agent. But no, that's, if you, that's a complicated one

because if like, say in our industry, if you've got an agent, your agent is employed by you and you're technically firing them so it's a bit unfair

you're like even though the agent can be bigger than you the agent can be multi-million pound agency and you can be just like a lowly circuit comic right

and if you if you if you say I'm going to leave you you're firing them as being your agent I don't mean that. CAA, the

agency I've got in America, they split to a couple of years ago and some of the fucking big heads from

some of the fucking sections they built this from the fucking ground up, they cut this fucking company and then they

moved over to another company. Of course they're seen as fucking traitors. To them they're like I took a fucking better

job, I took a fucking pay cut and I had my rights but for the people who were also in there you've gone over to another

side you've gone to an opponent fucking business but that's like you're taking part of the business with you aren't you're taking

like you're contacts you're relationships no no no but that's what it always is that's what it always is

if you go to a competitor if you go to a competitor you're not rightfully but of course you're seen as a fucking

traitor because it's a competitor like if you're a bus driver and you get a fucking and you go to a competitor you're not rightfully but of course you're seen as a fucking traitor because it's a competitor like if you're a bus driver and you get a fucking and you decide to become a fucking Uber driver like none of the bus drivers

be like oh fucking la-di-da traitor to the fucking cause they don't give a shit because there's no sort of you know yeah but maybe it's the day

maybe it's if like a taxi driver started like riding Uber like the guys at the taxi firm are like it's coming maybe there is I'm fucking speaking of which

Uber has finally listened to us I heard there's a quiet button is that actually in place now

I saw an article I mean I read the headline of an article so they brought in another thing which is just don't talk to me

button which is what I always need and I just honestly don't know why we're stopping there

I think there should be you know Brazilian fucking meat restaurants? Yeah, the El Toro. Yeah, yeah. The thing I love about that is what happens is, right, is if you want served, you turn off a little thing and it goes green.

And that lets people go around, know that you want somebody to come up to your table and fucking serve you. And when it's red, they fuck off for the rest of the day. Until that's green, they go away and do their job. Yeah. Why is that not a system everywhere why is it and again

I understand like this is a very sort of biased perspective because most people don't go to restaurants every single day of their lives

yeah so people do it as an event people do it as an event people do it as an event we're going to this restaurant and everyone you get waited on

we're just trying to get our next meal right and the waiters and the waitresses they're very good and what they're doing is they're doing their fucking best job they are going above

and beyond they're like hey is your meal okay is there anything I can do hi welcome to this place do you want me to talk to you

the menu to new people like they're making it experience and I appreciate them for that I do just wish there was just a little

thing I could be like I go to restaurants all the time frequent flyer frequent flyer just be like just don't talk to me man

shush I fucking loved it when I was in Perth Australia for em that wasn't all of Australia that was just

so mean about Perth aye it was really fucking one dormant aye no no it's a bunch

the city the audiences are still some of the best in the world but I think they'll openly admit that their nightlife is shit.

My problem with Perth is the thing Perth has to offer and the things I enjoy is a Venn diagram is a pair of tits. Like it's just there's nothing there. What was I talking about

about Perth, Australia? We're talking about the restaurants and the experiences and people leaving you alone when you're eating and dining oh that was it

yeah yeah so I went to yeah so I was only in Perth for fucking two days right we ended up going to the same fucking restaurant three times just because it was nearby

and oh the third time I went in there I walked in and the guy sat down and I did the same thing as well like I don't give a fuck about variety I came in

and he just went same again I was like absolutely and that was the only interaction I had with her oh man I had that at the Rose Bay he fucking sat me down

he went same again next to your house oh it's the best yeah she just comes in like knows what I want like I I was just like got this

the same meal and she'll just sit she'll say hello to us bring us my food and then we'd interact like do you know when it is sad though when it's a takeaway

for some reason I get hoagie raps from whenever I get fucking home from it's a big disgusting rap but I love it so much tell the Americans what it's in it

so the hoagie rap it's and also Americans sorry about the football chat we've just done we'll get back for stuff like that but that happened

sorry if you want us to talk about something we'll talk about something you like, we'll talk about abortions in a second, you fucking psychos. I'm going to just fucking petition. All right.

Fucking 500,000 of you signed a fucking petition to get Game of Thrones through fucking rent, but you're doing fuck all about a fucking law in Alabama. Oh, mate. It's fucking ridiculous. Oh, God.

And you know what? I'm going to fucking say it. Here's the fucking big problem. Nobody's ever going to fucking talk about it. Religion is fucking cancerous in every single form I don't care what form of religion you subscribe to at its base level

it's fucking cancerous and it holds back society to an astronomical level and even if you're not a bad religious person you are still absolutely culpable for everything

your religion does fuck you also be religious in your own little peaceful time, which I'm sure you are. I'm sure you are.

But don't let it affect laws in the way society operates. Don't make us bend around you. You just quietly... You're religion... You quietly go and pray to your fairies or whatever the fuck you do.

You adhere to fucking society, not to you. America is not a country found on religious principles. They've wrote that in the fucking date however if you give me two weeks off

during Christmas at the same time you made it I'm going to be religious pseudo religious just so I can have time off thanks for your holidays and your festivals

they are very fun oh man well I want the Muslim ones as well huh I want the Muslim ones as well Ramadan

aye is that not when everyone fucks me I take the aye if there was extra holidays of course aye I'm a dad. Aye. Is that not when everyone fucks me? I take the, aye. If there was extra holidays, of course, aye.

But you know what? That's true progressiveness, right? That's what we need, actually. This is why British people are fucking all these races, right? This is how we do it,

right? We start making all the Muslim holidays bank holidays too. I fucking guarantee you religious holidays go through the fucking roof.

But no, they need to, bank holiday Tuesday, bank holidays too I fucking guarantee you religious holidays go through the fucking every leg but no they need to bank holiday Tuesday tell me more man I guarantee right if we just like every time

if we put even just one Muslim holiday one leg because we know we know when the Muslims are we know when the Jewish ones are

there's got to be a bunch of Sikh ones right fucking I don't know I don't know about the Jewish ones are there's got to be a bunch of Sikh ones right fucking I don't know I don't know about the Buddhists their whole thing seems a holiday

to be honest with you but you know Boston's holiday having a holiday all of them like fucking maybe that's how we make it

more inclusive right every year we just add an extra fucking holiday but here's the fucking deal here's the deal right

because because we fucking decorate right everything like Christmas wise an extra fucking holiday. But here's the fucking deal. Here's the deal, right? Because we fucking decorate, right, everything Christmas-wise, you know, it's still a bit religion fucking too, but it's mainly fucking Christmas. We go, you know what, Muslims, here you go, you get the streets,

you make this as fun as possible, and I guarantee you, we're probably going to like this. If you're telling me your holiday, right, involves at the end of it, you cooking us a bunch of fucking food after a day off. Are you fucking kidding me? Have you met a British man?

Yeah, we're going to have one little tweak, though. Can we just put one? We're going to drink. Oh, sorry. It's a tiny little... You don't have to join in. No, no, no. But you can watch.

Aye. As I'm kicking off on Facebook, someone put a poll on do you think they should force children to learn Arabic numerals in school and it was like 43, 57 right but it was like a threat and people were like oh my god people should learn

their own come over here learn our numbers like what if the people that's the Arabic no they shouldn't get like

back to Roman like maybe this way they can't do it it should be very confusing

and Geordie yeah I love it like I said 57% say no in Arabic numerals um aye hmm have you seen the Arabic numerals I

have you seen the guy from New York kicking off about the French numbers it's fucking brilliant because he's like oh they just come all the way to the French

yeah he's like one, two, three, four, five, six they've just got their own words for it and then they get up like 13 and then what is it

it's like 10 and 4 10 and 5 10 and for it and then they get up like 13 and then what is it it's like 10 and 4 10 and 5 10 and 6 yeah and then he probably starts kicking off

when he gets to 80 because it's 4 20s 4 20s and 2 4 20s and 3 4 20s and 4 4 20s and 4 he's like

French involves just a lot of math yeah he was like that's 4 numbers that's there's 4 numbers for one number

then it gets to 100 he's like I don't even know what 100 is nah it's just 100 it's cent it is cent innit yeah

but it's fucked up the French numbers are fucked up like that was a routine I don't know if he's a comedian and he was just doing the routine

where he was driving off it's just somebody actually having a rant it's fucking brilliant I guess go google it what would you google American guy talking about French rant it's fucking brilliant I guess go google it what would you google American guy talking about

French numbers it's fucking brilliant shall we do a quiz yeah I've read some questions

so we've decided we're trying to spice things up keep this relationship from hitting the rocks and by that I

mean a relationship not only with each other but a relationship with you the fans because obviously we're very aware

that sometimes we let you down because we don't produce things some of you don't watch Game of Thrones you had to put up with that

some of you couldn't care about football you had to put up with that but some people who watch Game of Thrones and football just had a great time

didn't they yeah there were people who didn't enjoy Game of Thrones or football who enjoyed that there's probably people who enjoy Game of Thrones or football who enjoyed that and there's probably people

who enjoy Game of Thrones and football and fucking hated every second of that as is the way of the world we've decided to come up with a newish sort of game to do

which is to just see how well we know each other because we started off by like ask each other questions like is there anything you don't know about me and I was like

fuck like I don't know your street name, but, like, do I care? Street name? But then we decided that we'd write a little quiz and try and ask each other questions about ourselves. So it's out of five. Yeah.

I'm going to take turns. I'll just do... No, I think we'll just go through... All of them. Oh, no, it's like, yeah, we'll make it. We'll let penalties. Yeah. Right.

How many tattoos do I have? Right. You've got Calvin and Hobbes. You've got Nikola Tesla. You have got... You've got the ha-ha-ha-ha-ha joker on your back. You've got three tattoos. Five. There's two tattoos

that I didn't mention in there you're not counting Calvin and Hobbes there's two that's Calvin and Hobbes that's Calvin and Hobbes oh yeah that one

that's Calvin and Hobbes that's Anthony and the Arbor yeah that's what I was thinking when I said Calvin and Hobbes because that's what your mum did so yeah I didn't know about that one I just actually forgot about it

that was Calvin and Hobbes the fifth one the Drop Dead Fred one that I got with Cal Penn ah right I didn't know

about that one because I thought you got the yeah she did this one I got with fucking Cal Penn yeah but I thought you got that one when you were with Cal Penn

sorry I pointed at Alvin and the Aardvark Anthony and the Aardvark Anthony and the Aardvark because that's the book that your mum wrote people have brought me that in New York

somebody brought that book for me to sign it was fucking dead cool it was real nice that's fucking awesome and didn't by utter trance your

god kids parents found it found it fucking found Anthony and the Ardvark at a car boot sale

saw the author was Leslie Sawson they went oh what a coincidence that's the same name as Danny's mum yeah not really then they sent me a picture on whatsapp and I what a coincidence that's the same name as Daddy's Mom yeah not really than it was yeah they sent me a picture

on WhatsApp and I was like no that's legitimately my mum's book yeah so you get some of that with the parents

like it's Milo Milo and Leslie were friends Milo's been on the podcast and now Milo's like you know you've got daughters you've got daughters

that nice speaking of which what are the names of my names of my godchildren oh fuck I don't even think

I can because both of their parents love you listen to this I know I know and one of them is Rouge is

so right let's break it, let's break it down. Let's break it down. What's Rouge got? He's got a boy and it's going to be a chavvy name. And? A boy and a girl. They're both your godkids.

Alright. Fucking Priscilla and Jaden. Is that your guess? No. I do know it I've Dylan

yeah Dylan and oh fuck I don't know the other one Abby Abby

and then you've also I don't think you've spent much time with Abby though but you've also got the other yeah let's see you've got you've got one out of five alright

and then you've got Grass who's Jade yeah who's just had a but you've also got the other yeah so you've got you've got one out of five alright and then you've got Grass who's Jade yeah who's just had a just had a daughter so I've got a god

granddaughter alright at the age of 35 er oh yeah Jade and Dylan's what I can do

I'm sorry yeah I'm sure you know one of them because I remember when... So it's Caley and Rihanna. You've got two out of five there, right?

So that's not enough to get a point for that question. But what did I do? Because I send them a video all the time, right? I always send them a video on their birthday of me just saying happy birthday, just letting them know where I am just saying when I'm coming back when I'm going to see them

I'll just talk to the camera and I'll say some birthday stuff but then I start the video with this birthday is Rihanna R-H-A-N-N-A just saying the thing happy birthday Rihanna just wanted to say it

I miss you I love you and blah blah blah and then I think Jean was with us at the time Jean was like what are the time Jean was like what are you doing I was like I'm just sending a message

to Rihanna but didn't even think that in her world yeah it wasn't the Rihanna she doesn't have got a God killed girl Rihanna

right so when I clicked on that this was happening I went on Twitter and I sent the video to Rihanna did she reply no

no but then I obviously told Janine Janine that's it the video to Rihanna. Did she reply? No. Oh, bitch. No. But then I obviously tell Janine, Janine, that's her, my mum's name, I tell Jane,

so confusing, so many Js. I tell Jane that it was probably God, don't I? But there was just a moment in time when I was sending

the video to Rihanna just casually. Wish her a happy birthday and not on her birthday. I know. Right, this should be an easy-ish one how old was I when I lost my virginity

I'm gonna say you are right okay I think I know who it was with you don't I don't

it wasn't your first girlfriend no so you lost it like on a death play? You didn't put it in the horn yard. I've always been a legend. 17?

Fuck yeah, good. Fucking loser, mate. I lost my virginity at 16, and then went my whole 17th year without getting laid. Oh, there you go. Because I was going out with... When it rains, it pours. Because I was going out with... When it rains, it pours. Because I was going out with a girl

and waiting for her to turn 16. I mean, I respect you. I respect you in the sense that I respect you for appealing to that. That's very nice of you. But then also, you're a beast. I waited, I groomed her. Fuck, man. It must have been five years, that wait. I'm waiting I groomed her fuck man

it must have been five years that wait you said 17 but 18, 19, 20 so you were 17 hold on a second so you didn't lose it can I use her name

yeah Alison no no no no I've had sex with at least fucking four or five people before Alison. Yeah.

Aye. We shag her, mate. You know what? I bet we were awful at it. Oh, man. Imagine, imagine like, like you've had so much sex

in the fucking years since then, right? That it's like, it's like a blurry past. I bet the first few times we were awful at it like so bad like thank you so much

to them girls for putting up with that I thought I had a rectal dysfunction for years because I didn't know my dick was big so I was using

normal condoms and it was like cutting off the circulations so I went through at least two years where I was like right so you were only 17 you had a massive hogger

oh aye great it's the last thing that came out of my mum ironically alright so it was no I had to say it was a bunch of girls

before Arlton aye so I got that one right oh you did one point to you alright right here's a question what have I been

driven away in what have I been driven away in most frequently ambulances or police cars or driven away in most frequently? Ambulances or police cars? Almost recently. No, most frequently.

Almost frequently. Right, okay. So police car... I think police cars only one or two. Wait, there's ambulance? I know there's at least... Right, there was a time you fucking killed yourself in the sea. Uh-huh. it was with jet skiing and

you've been arrested I don't know if you were in a police car you've definitely been in a police car I'm this is going to be a guess I'm going to say

ambulance yes yes I've been driven away in two ambulances and I've been driven away in one police car. If I were to question differently, I've been in more police cars.

Yeah, yeah. But they usually let us back out. I can usually... I'm usually good at getting back out of the police car. And no matter how hard I try to get out of an ambulance... Yeah, yeah, yeah. They never let us do the ambulance. I've been driven away in every ambulance I've been in.

I've gotten out of practically every police car I've been in. But the police car, the reason the question's quite fresh in my mind is because, and I don't know if we've spoken about this on the podcast, so let's do it as a fresh fresh take my visa like I'm worried about my visa for America

because I've got one arrest on me file and this is the one time I was driven away in a police car was I borrowed my mate's car and he was cool with it

but like I'd done it like I was delivering his car for him he did not have it but he would have been chuffed when I got there you know what I'm saying

right so he'd been fucking buzzing when I got his car back I get pulled over in the car and I just think oh fuck

just pretend you're him right so I'm like 23 right and I go pull over what's your name like Alan Watson

like how old are you like 41 what's your date of birth I'm like I'm like, Alan Watson. I'm like, how old are you? I'm like, 41? I was getting a bit of... I'm like, I'm not Alan Watson. I don't even know why I tried to be Alan Watson. I don't even know how I'm going to do this. And he asked us a story, and I told him it sounded like such a lie.

And I already got an awful lie. He's trying to get in touch with a car owner, which he's flagged it up as it's definitely his, right? I've used the right name. I tell him who I am. He's got me driving licence I'm not him they were just

fucking sure I'd stole it and they took us away in the car and then they get in touch with Alan and the guy and I just let him out

cool alright like but fuck man I was like Charles Bronson in that cell fucking working out gay for the stay

I looped up looped up looped up waiting for a fight doing press ups had my pocket out turned fucking put us in a cell yeah they put us in a cell because they were like

the thing I didn't do by the time I'd get into the police station and they were like oh we need to process you because it's a twock taken without consent that's what's on my record

and as I get there someone starts having an epileptic fit in the cell because it's a twock taken without consent that's what's on my record and as I get there someone starts having an epileptic fit in the cell and they fucking had to put me in a cell while they sorted that guy out in a

hard time you got two drop tattoos you know so I'm fucking I'm worried about the interview because that's why like I

just ran that story past you there just to get the lie fresh in my mind okay so there's

three possible answers to this if you get two I'll give you a point apart from velvet

what three other irrational things freak me out irrational things right the texture of vegetables that irrational things freak me out. Irrational things. Right, the texture of vegetables. Like, if there's vegetables in your food,

you have to get them out. Like, you can blend them in your food. I mean, I'll give you... It doesn't really freak me out. It's like things that make me... Like, freak out. And you've cancelled Velvet out

but it's a similar vein to Velvet fuck I'm tempted to say a pupil touching a belly button but that's Ricketts oh no I'm also

I'll give you that one is that one card I'll give you that one it's not one that was written down but it's absolutely something that freaks me out yeah so that's like

I was right in thinking that I wasn't so I'll give you that point I'd forgotten about that one thankfully fuck off I'll do the hard way shit

is it like when you've got too much butter on a sandwich oh no and it like pokes up through the little holes

in the bread or whatever oh it makes a wee fucking bread labia yeah it's not that no because I know that's quite a common one

I was just wondering if that was you you do know I know the three things I'm pretty sure you might not know one of them but I'm pretty sure

is it like when you're petting hedgehogs like you I get something I feel like the answer is frosted glass

ah new frosted glass new frosted glass a new frosted glass that's such a weird thing to freak out it is cotton wool balls

yeah and then moths moths moths yeah can I just put like can I put something forward as a notion

and you can bat it away if you want you can't be as arrogant as you are if you're scared of weird quirky stuff like that you can't be like

I'm the man I'm the king fucking there's only one king velvet you can't you can't have swagger and also sensations freak you out you know what you're getting straight. You can't have swagger.

It also, sensations freak you out. You know what I mean? It's a fucking, it's like nails starting to chop. It's not something that, it doesn't stop me doing anything.

Like, it's just something, if I touch someone who's got velvet on, I'm like, that's fucking, like. And now the feeling, because it's the feeling I get when dogs

sniff around us. Like, dogs I don't know. Like, it's just a random street dog, even if the owner's there or whatever, like, when it starts sniffing us, I get don't know like it's just a random street dog even if the owner's there whenever like when it starts sniffing I get that like just

but that's got teeth and it might have different intentions multiple teeth probably how else do they eat all the clothes I suppose so

it's been up your science yeah got out that one didn't it right what's your one oh yeah right on my first lads holiday right what's your one um oh yeah right eh on my first

lads holiday oh god did I get laid yes or no no so yeah the answer's no I was at where we were at

the quickfire round section but I do want to put it out there I bet you did there was a fair bit of kissing in this two week holiday the two week holiday

love you Nick two week two week oh my god where did you go packed so the vacancy packed so many

condoms more than I'll ever need no one was more than you ever needed no I mean ever ever need not just all

just now we're to Portugal the Ville de Lobo met Roy Keane did you I didn't fuck him either do you know what I saw Roy Keane right and he didn't fuck him either you know what I saw Roy Keane right

and he was I think he was in his 2002 might have still been at Man United probably still at Man United 2002 right and

asked him if he'd put on me toon top for a photo and he wouldn't right rude rude fuck imagine I'd got that photo when he got

the Sunderland manager's job that would have been a belt that would be like having a photo of you in a sunland tub that exists it does fuck probably stag do though

I think the one day the one day where the other Jordies were like aye aye but me and Mike both saw you kiss it what we're not getting into this again

I know I don't know is this still recording do you think I get killed right em the fuck was that here's my

here's my phone shh em who do I prefer Gareth or Steel Gareth no Steeleele Gareth no Steele because Steele

listens to this podcast in real life Gareth do it do it yeah because because Gareth fucking still hasn't listened to this

I was out and myself on Twitter about playing Hearthstone I couldn't take it any longer I just needed I needed people to hear I think it was a trick question I don't have a preference

you winging it nothing do you actually prefer Gareth to Elliot no no I love them for different things Elliot's fun to bully

I couldn't pick between the two of them no I couldn't I don't know I could probably pick between other goats I feel like you and Gareth have got more history though

he's got like sexual history yeah chemistry but it's also proximity yeah I could probably pick between other goats. I feel like you and Gareth have got more history, though. Sexual history. Yeah. Chemistry. But it's also proximity. Gareth lives five minutes away from me. Yeah. And Steel lives right here.

He's pointing at his cock, by the way. Point to my arsehole, too. So there's no correct answer to that. That was a trick question. No, I'll give you a point because it was a trick question. Same one, too. answer that that was a trick question and I'll give you points of discrimination to and in air cadets I represented Northumberland in which event yeah could days off fucking hell

that's just like I was so just to go to some context like when you play like there's loads of like different competitions and sports and accolades and that and you go and represent

your squadron for wing and then you represent your wing for regional and then you represent your

region against other regions so I got Fruit to represent North Dublin to play against so in Yorkshire

against different counties representing Northumberland to play against. So we're in Yorkshire against different counties. Scrabble. How did you guess? Nah, 800 metres. Couldn't just do it. You know what happened? I got to the fucking regionals and I was just this tiny little skinny kid

and there was just a bunch of them freak show like blue toe kids, you know, like the kids that just seem to have been having fucking hormone therapy. It looked 100% like I was in the wrong age group. Like when we're lining up next to each other, like when it got to that level.

Because at that rate, I was up against bigger kids when I was in, because I was a fucking little whippet when I was a kid. But when I was like, because what age would I have been? 14, maybe 15. When I was looking fucking to me left and when I was a kid but when I was like because what age would I have been 14 maybe 15 when I was looking fucking to my left and my right

on the starting thing of that I was just saying looking to your left up and looking to your right up I mean what the fuck am I doing I didn't come last you felt like one of the

one of the Looney Tunes in Space Jam against the Monstars I didn't lose but I didn't do good like fucking 6th or 7th alright this would be

very easy for you name five people I'd happily kill oh Nigel Farage Donald Trump Theresa May all politicians

aren't they let's say now Luis Suarez you know what you'd say that but you'd stop yourself because you're like

oh right I'm just getting too passionate about football like you wouldn't kill Luis Suarez oh no he isn't I'm trying to like he's a. Like, you wouldn't kill Luis Suarez. Oh, no, you wouldn't. Like, I'm trying to, like...

He's a racist and a cheat, and I don't like either of those things. You wouldn't kill him. You're not going to kill Luis Suarez. All right, okay. Right. Also, take Theresa May out. I wouldn't kill Theresa May. I just think she's fucking shite.

Okay. I don't think Theresa May is inherently evil. Trump and Farage. Katie Hopkins. Oh, aye. Yeah. I already knew you Farage Katie Hopkins oh aye yeah I reckon he'd kill Katie Hopkins

erm ooh I think just do despite that old man that Hickory didn't kill Marnie if he's still in his deathbed

if he's still with us I think you'd wipe him out just do the sheer personal vendetta absolutely 100% and then you'd probably like just like

do again kill Marnie again aye ding dong the witch is dead proper celebration aye And then you'd probably like just like do again kill Marnick again. Aye. Ding dong the witch is dead. Proper celebration aye. You got one more. One more person

that you'd kill. This should be quite easy actually but I haven't like made stipulations of like you would think twice about it. Is it going to be

another politician? Is it going to be I can't give you any more. Like fucking Ian Huntley. Oh no I won give you any more like fucking Ian Huntley oh no well you wouldn't kill

Ian Huntley that fucking drunk two kids in a bathroom that's cheating I'm able to see you in a collage yeah

no I'm an asshole if I say no no dickheads the kids no wait that old man in Kilmarnock was way worse than the old man

you're hoping in horror now that fucking Louis Tauris wait so I got that but I'm fucking snookering on the technicality did you have answers

written down in there I didn't I was just oh come on I didn't think there'd be enough memory on your Mac no Mac slip that in there slip it's not my brand did you have answers written down there I didn't I was just I didn't think there would be enough memory on your Mac not a Mac

it's not my brand do I have another question what do I search for on Pornhub oh I can't say one of them

can you not no I need to know I'll tell you after you can't I can't say one of them when I've actually got

the tamest search entry the fuck is this is that Kiss the Sun the badge maybe I'm making something like

a fucking the word that we've said out of here is it Joel Dumbard I do know this is it is it interracial

no your marriage is sorry sorry I got confused um oh I don't anal

no so basically um like there's a number of like specific porn stars I'll search for

like Nicole Graves um who else fucking what's that one again um Griffithaghan Griffith

Janice Griffith there's a few of them right so there's like I'll generally though look for pretty girls try and find a new pretty girl I always go for hot faces

right and then try and find them getting double teamed I didn't know this fuck I knew I knew it I knew it I like had a little mission it's like it's like you find someone that's hot enough to go right that's a I didn't know this. Fuck, I knew I knew it. I knew it. I like had a little mission.

It's like, it's like you find someone that's hot enough to go, right, that's her. If I can't find them double teamed, the search continues. So how many points? It's a fun little game. It is.

I got, you got three. I'm in the session for the ball. Oh, sorry. I thought you were just, come on. This is also a fun game because of myself. So you got three I'm in the session for the ball oh sorry this is also a fun game because about myself so you got you didn't get my search history

you didn't get my thing you did get whether I got laid on my first holiday you got you got two you got driven away in an ambulance

you didn't get all my good children you got three you got how old I was when I lost my virginity you got who do I prefer

cats and steel and then you'd make people have the kill didn't know my fears How old I was when I lost my virginity You go Who do I prefer Catherine Steele And then You'd make people Have the kill Didn't know my fears And didn't know Many tattoos I had Alright

Tour We're on it Today We are in Sheffield Tomorrow On May the 19th

We're in Durham May the 22nd We're in Southend May 24th Reading oh there should be 23rd is Bournemouth 25th is Glasgow

30th Dublin 31st York and then yeah there'll be more podcasts out by then July America yep

pending my visa well I'm still going regardless American fans there's a whole bunch of dates LA Phoenix San Diego Boulder Salt Lake Minneapolis loads go to DanielSloss.com well I'm still going regardless American fans there's a whole bunch of dates LA Phoenix

San Diego Boulder Salt Lake Minneapolis loads go to danielsloss.com right your father

tell me about my dad your dad thinks Nando's is Indian food because it's spicy your dad always comes out the public toilet licking his fingers your dad always comes out the public toilet licking his fingers your dad claims

he's chewed millions in residuals because he's the voice of the ambulance in police cars I can claim to see your dad's thigh gap without touching his legs and if I do he knows later I prank phone called your dad seven years ago and he's nose lights up I prank phone called your dad seven years ago and he's been chasing

the refrigerator ever since chasing the refrigerator is your refrigerator running your dad got fat tipped himself to your mum because he thought she was going to leave him it worked though

your dad uses his cock as a bookmark he's got a kindle just rested up mate I haven't worked though. Your dad uses his cock as a bookmark. He's got a Kindle. Just resting on that. Your dad has an in case of emergency break glass banana. Your dad wears double denim to funerals. Your dad got fired as a surgeon

because he kept screaming in terror even though he was really good at it your dad's karaoke song is Beethoven that movie about the dog he just barks at the stream

and a lot of times the news he says I don't have it but fortunately your dad has it on VHS, DVD and USB drive. Oh. You can't rape Martin Lick, is that a joke? Your dad was a witness to a brutal mugging of an old lady by a youth,

but he wouldn't give a witness statement because he's not a snitch. I could, man. Integrity. Your dad hides Maltesers from your mum in his statement because he's not a snitch I could man integrity your dad hides Maltesers from your mum in his belly button at Last Daughters if Last Daughters

gets called when it's your dad's round there's a 100% chance that you've already seen him for the last time knock knock who's there your dad

your dad who your dad who molested you as a child your dad's got tennis players elbow from playing air guitar your dad knows domestic abuse

like the back of your mum's hand your dad got thrown out the strip that's for checking one of them for lumps Your dad combs his hair with a cheese grater Your dad calls Your dad calls Friday evenings Rapunzel night Because that's when he lets his hair down

Your dad shouts Get your rat out when he drives past schools your dad's show's getting a rat when he drives past schools that's a wrap