Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 3.33 Fashionable illnesses

Episode Date: September 4, 2019

Milk is back from the fringe and Muggins is back from bed shopping so if you want to hear about them talking about those things, this is the podcast for you. No Cream this episode as he's up in Edinburgh basking in his new mansion.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and Cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Awww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

Alright, it's Muggins here from Muggins and Cream fame. I'm sat here with a tall glass of milk, Elliot Steele. Sorry, I didn't realise we were starting. I just thought I'd shock you. I just shocked you into it. Came out of the blue. We sat here for an hour and just, we were talking about doing a podcast

and didn't realise you were clicking it and going there. Yeah, we had our best crack before we started, didn't we? We've had a great chat that we never talked about we've covered literally everything I haven't seen the way I saw you at the fringe

but do you want to give them the warning for what's about to happen in half an hour into this podcast okay I'm going to pause it

in half an hour there we go yeah okay because I'm getting a wardrobe delivered for my room and fitted and it's one of them

fucking shitty systems where they're like oh we're gonna deliver the wardrobe between the hours of seven in the morning and eleven o'clock at night and you have to sit

in the house all day and just wait for it to come and they did that it was on it's eleven till six I'm exaggerating but they did that to me last Tuesday

and then fucking rang me at like five to six where they're like oh the wardrobe's got a bit missing we've been at the warehouse so we're going to come on another day.

So they did it new. So I'm just fucking, I'm on house arrest. Yeah. That's the top and bottom of it. These companies have got no right to put you on house arrest. Look, just because I was going to

sit here in my underpants anyway scratching my balls watching Revisit La Liga doesn't mean that they've got any right to pin me to my house. How the fuck do they do it if I'm not a layabout like myself? I don't know.

If you work a night of five, like Natalie fucking out the house seven till six, right? How the fuck she meant to, if I'm not here? Do you take a sick day? Do you have to take a sick day to get a water off?

Just take a sick day. Just be like, could you take a personal day? Why don't you just go and, could you just come at 7pm on the dot? Do you know what's class for all the people who work 9-5

a class little thing I found out now companies are now accepting mental health days so you're going to have to ring up a place don't put on a voice don't be like

I'm having a schizo day who said that like you can take a mental health day now yeah that's going to be good for days off that's going to get abused oh absolutely

oh my god a lot of people with hangovers cooling up on a Monday people day it anyway people harm up mental health illnesses that they don't have

you day it yourself you day it I talk about it you pretend you've got dyslexia because you're thick I have got dyslexia I got diagnosed very late when I was 16 years old at college. I got diagnosed with it.

Right. I didn't believe you. Well, I did. Like, honestly, you read all your text messages. You get them. You reply to them. Sometimes I... You're spelling mistakes in them.

But you're reading everything. You're understanding everything. Sometimes I read words wrong. Sometimes you just spell the thing back and then use it as an excuse. Look, bro, what does me a culturally appropriating dyslexia really... Who does it hurt?

Who does it hurt? Who? Who? Get them to write in. They're not going to be able to fucking do it. People... People... I thought you were about to let that joke go. No, no, I was looking for a joke to put on and I didn't know where you were about to let that joke go

I was looking for a joke to put on and I didn't know where you were going I was really pleased that you finished it it's like people with dyslexia I'm just using this as a fucking minor thing it must suck for people with dyslexia but it's not affecting their happiness

to a great deal you've got people with actual depression right like someone like robin williams who has got on this it seems like he's got everything he's got this illustrious career he's got all this money he's got everything but depression still keeps him down yeah you've got people who i mean i mean death is what keeps him down now down on the ground hung himself it was the depression but now it's some rope let's not speak ill

let's not speak ill of the great man we're going to have some kind of moral compass on this podcast I've been loving he might not be down, he might have been cremated but then you'll just have people who are they've made some poor life decisions

that have got them broke that have got them broken up with that have got them and they'll go I'm depressed and you go nah you're just

in a shit spot you're just sad you've got situational sadness and to lean on somebody else's mental illness just to just to say

that I'm sad sometimes though and I talked I talked about it in my show this year that we do have this thing with sexy mental health disorders

now like we do always I'll just do a bit where we pick and choose the ones we want to suit us at the time that we need and it is always

you're right in like there are these I describe as sexy mental health disorders you pick your anxieties your depressions your

bipolars ADHD which I have and ADHD is fucking debilitating at times it's horrific but you'll get people

who are like oh my god I'm so ADHD oh my god there's a squirrel and you're like that's not your brain never shuts up you can hallucinate it's horrific

you're just a wanker mate just a toss pot but like you never meet someone who like turns up and goes hi I'm a psychopath do you I've got like

I've got mild panchylia you know it's just a mental health thing you know sometimes I'm a psychopath do you I've got like I've got male pithilia you know it's just a mental health thing you know sometimes I get a hard on with kids fuck it are we sticking it

to the mental health this early on I don't know I was five minutes in but here's the thing I would say with like what you were saying

about I've just got just a little bit down syndrome sometimes I'm really strong no there is so but what depression can do and things like that yeah is it can be very

and it sounds weird I think you've got to take responsibility for your actions but at times it can put you in a shit spot where you make the stupid decision because it makes you feel worthless you know

like with my anxiety at times, when I've had a panic attack, I've had panic attacks about things I've done when I was eight years old now because like my brain's like, my life's fine. Everything's good.

But anxiety doesn't work as like, or sometimes it'll go like, everything's fine. You're not used to this. Fuck something up. Do you know what I mean? But sometimes you'll be like, oh, I've got anxiety.

I'm like, I've just seen you out last week turning the coke. Right. Oh, why do you have to do this but sometimes you'll be like oh I've got anxiety I'm like I've just seen you out last week tanning the coke right oh why do you have to do this every fucking podcast I've not been doing I've been

so well behaved during the three and then you come on and like the minute we're in this you're like telling you tan coke and then

now he's having roid rage have you seen the shape of me at the moment if there's one thing I'm definitely not on it's steroids I'm having

I'm having KFC rage and if you are on steroids it's for your asthma another one of your sexy fucking illnesses that you've got sexy my lungs don't work

my sexy hey ladies you take my breath away. You brought your frog? Right, I've not... No, I was joking. I've done that on purpose because last time...

You kept saying... I used to tell you a tiny coke, which made it sound like you had a problem. Yeah. The problem is I ain't got any coke so I thought I'd throw it in again just because I knew

how much it wound up but a lot of the time it is that a lot of the time when people like they'll start like putting on about

anxiety and I'm like I've seen your drug use I've seen your drug use and you're talking about anxiety fuck

like I went to a music festival on Saturday. Yeah. Saturday, Sunday. What day is it? Tuesday. I'll do yesterday.

Fucking anxious as hell. Of course I'm anxious. I'm coming down off a pinger. Right. Like, I never then start going, oh, I've got anxiety. I'm like, no,

I'm suffering self-induced anxiety. I've got it right now, but like, I don't want your sympathy. I've done it myself. It's like, I've got a headache. I put headache i put you on you're drinking like there may be someone who's actually got a migraine they haven't they've been eating healthy now that they've got a migraine

and you're banging on about your fucking headache because you drank a bottle of jack daniels last night i'm just tired of that situational shit is the stuff that's going to get used as the day off yeah yeah yeah there are people use but like, sometimes drugs and mental health go hand in hand because they can be seen as a quick fix. You know, like if you, if you take coke or things like that, or you do pills,

it's like that can make you just happy and then you can get into the cycle of it making it way worse. But like, no, I do, I do agree with you. I think we, I think people do do like people will just

ring up work on a come down and go oh i'm suicidal oh no i can't come in and do that spreadsheet today and then just sit there and watch all of coronation shoot uh it's gonna get properly abused i think it's like um you know the thing that got abused was the the thing where airlines had this thing about you can bring your emotional support animal. So people have been at war. People with PTSD do have emotional support animals. But then everyone would just be like, got an emotional support animal. Because they couldn't check it.

It's my emotional support animal. Well, really, it's a fashion accessory. Well, it's their pet. It's a handbag dog. Well, I mean mean just their pet aye yeah people like I would like

to bring my pet on holiday with me would you yeah I'd love to bring my cat away I have all the time I'm there on holiday

just going oh man I wish there was some shit to pick up and that's why you bring Daniel so I'm getting so I mentioned the wardrobe's coming today I'm getting as I mentioned the wardrobe's coming today

I'm getting a new bed on Thursday it arrives on Thursday but very exciting time it is a really exciting time because

I've been moving with my mum and dad since I was about 18 years old right show off that's the only reason I brought you round here I've had my driving licence since I was 17

this is not part of the story I'm just rubbing it in your face you live with your parents parent and you can't drive sorry I'm ill fashionable

fashionable I need to take a mental health day I can't do this podcast anymore if we're going to be going on about me this is actually because we'll get back to it after but you've just finished the fringe so you actually probably are suffering a bit of fatigue work related fatigue

from your one hour shift per day oh go fuck yourself but yeah you're right. Um, so me and Natalie decided to treat myself with, um,

so we didn't have, right, I've just finished the tour. We just got paid. You treat yourself every week? I treat myself every week, right? Look,

I'm working class, I'm new money. Where are you going on Saturday? Hawaii. Treat me still! I'm treating myself! What are you getting delivered today? A new wardrobe?

On Thursday, a new bed? New bed. We're getting the bedroom done, right? Got a car, got the kids, right? Got a little bit of fucking disposable income. And we're like, what do you think we should spend it on? And all my life since I've moved out with my mothers, I've been on IKEA beds, right?

That fucking 100-pound mattress where the fucking springs start pouring through after year one and you keep it for another six, right uh i was like why don't we just go and fucking rolls royce the bed and i'm properly excited i've never been more excited i would have purchased an army life i've uh went with john lewis and just fucking tried every mattress and then picked the best one and then looked at the price tag afterwards got a cyprian goose down pillars fuck me i'm gonna kind of bring through one of the pillars for you to put your head on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, go on.

We haven't used them yet, right? We've got the pillars. Yeah. You're going to be a reaction video, podcast, reaction video. Should I speak to him

while you go get it? No, hold on, I'll just finish through. We're not going to use it, like, they arrive in piecemeal, but we're not going to use it until it's island one.

We'll get the mattress arrives on on Friday that's the final thing to come and then we're getting late fucking Egyptian cotton and all that was it the silk silk feel from John Lewis that stuff pretty excited like yeah but then but then we're gonna get one night sleep in it then we have to be up early for all that now we're fucking excited with all these things hold on I'm going

to get the pillow you go get the pillow mate I've never met someone in my entire life who treats himself every single week and

then complains look at the life he lives he's going to Hawaii he's got this like bed that's cost thousands of pounds and then

he moans because some of his friends are sad and can't experience the same life as him Because not all of us as best mate is a fucking worldwide success. Hey, how's it going? You know what I'm saying? This is what I do This is this is something I think I think this is like the working class guilt, right?

I do I do treat myself all the time like I'm living a lovely life but it is because of me it's because of me I have stale choices right I've fucking I decided to get out of the way

for 10 weeks at a time and graft graft 20 minutes a night yeah right so I spend a lot of time apart I don't have children

you said it's 20 minutes but I can't I can't talk about the things I buy without trying to apologise for it it always comes with guilt. It always comes with a little bit of fucking remorse.

Like, I shouldn't be, I don't deserve this thing. I've got to kind of back it up. So I'm there like, oh, I don't even have a car. I don't even have kids. Like, fuck off. You've just been working away. Buy yourself something nice. I can't help myself.

I'm fucking. So is this the pillow? So explain what pillow this is that I'm trying. This is a Siberian goose down. So what is a Siberian goose down? Put your head on it. That's duck feathers. Oh, okay.

I like that you like it. What, you don't like that pillow? I do. I think it's very nice. Pillows are not my area of expertise. No? So I wouldn't know what's like a good... Wait, what about when you hold it

and it looks anonymous? You know that one you have fast to the pillow? Right. You can stop using it now. Oh, sorry. So what I would say... Because, yeah, it's a very nice pillow.

How much did it cost? £140. £140? For one pillow. That's all right. You know, treat yourself. I got two of them. I got one for Natalie.

Oh. I treat myself. I've honestly never been more excited with purchases because we spend fucking eight hours a night in bed as people on average. What is it, like seven, eight hours? That's what you're meant to get. Yeah. Something's different. But it's something that, like, I don't know if other people do,

but I've never fought to invest in it. I've never fought for that to be the direction of putting money. Because I'm never awake for it. Right. I bought quite a nice mattress a little while ago. Did you? Yeah. Like a, what is it? Airphone. Memory foam ones. right I bought quite a nice mattress a little while ago did you yeah like a air

what is those memory foam ones see we lay on a couple of memory foam ones but I'm not sure I bought them they're kind of like mold around you

but they don't seem to offer you as much suspension and comfort well I've got one that does but you've got to break it in but I've been away I haven't slept in that

only tonight I'm going to sleep in my bedroom for the first time in six months. And it's like I went and had a lie on it today. And I'm like, fuck, I haven't broke it in. So it's just like you've got to sleep on it a little bit for it to work. Yeah. And yeah. We're just talking about our mat.

Fuck it, that's what we're talking about. That's what we're doing. I'm trying to remember the key features of this one but it was just the most comfortable you know when you're lying on them

I think gel pockets whatever they are there's little gel pockets that sounds good that sounds like

one of those buzzwords temperature regulating as well temperature regulating and you've

got to turn it and flip it every couple of weeks apparently so like was there

someone telling saying all these words to you nah it was written on

the things. Did you do any research going into it? All we did is we said, let's not look at the prices. Let's just lie on the mile. Let's go back and make a short list. Go back to the ones. People were coming up and going, do you need any help? But I was like, well, unless you're going to pick us up and put us on it.

I can kind of make my own judgment on it. I'll get back to you. And then we got it doing, pretty much one, there was one standard one and it was actually half the price of the nearest one in there. Really?

Yeah. God, how much was it? It was 899 for the mattress and the most expensive one was two grand and even when we found out the price,

we went, did we miss something with the two grand one here? And we went back and lay on it and then went back to the other one. That's not too, that's not as expensive

as I thought you were going to say it was that's still expensive yeah it adds up when you've got like if you're going to if your mattress

like if they're meant to last seven years yeah you've just got to if you break that down as like per year or like well that's fuck all

I ain't going to do the math on it like totally there's like near enough don't know do the math like totally there's like no enough 100 quid a year I'm saying

I'm coming with this fucking guilt of like I'm spending this much on myself on such like I don't know

right but the bed is like an ottoman bed like it lifts up and like it kind of

it's on a hinge so it kinds up with like a 45 degree angle and leaves like storage underneath you know if you live in a flat in London

storage solutions are key this is the most fucking boring podcast in the world I was just letting you go with it I was saying because this is

this is what I've been doing lately it would be time off just doing my research on Ben's and Ben's shopping I don't have any stories so I'll go ahead

and tell you I was off my nut at a music festival and Ben Shopman I don't have any stories so don't go ahead and tell your I was off me nut at a music festival on Saturday night and I brought this up as a conversation piece

with somebody I'd just met another comedian and I had to stop myself I was like oh you know what I've just done and I was about to tell them about my Ben Shopman

which is basically what I've just done now and they were like what? and I was like actually it doesn't matter I caught myself what was that voice

in your head five minutes ago before you started this tirade and that but I've known you for ages it's these guys

that are fucking yeah I know this is the thing we have run out of things to talk about haven't we we've run out of like in our lives now

because how long have we known you I've known you six years I've known you yeah I know yeah shit first met when I was 17 I groom known you six years. I've known you. Yeah? I don't know, yeah, shit. First met when I was 17.

I groomed you. You groomed me, yes. Kept telling me about this fancy bed he's had. So, I've been doing that. You've been to the Fringe? I've been to the Fringe, man. It's sick. And you, actually, this is... Hold on. you've been to the fringe I've been at the fringe man sick and em you actually

this is hold on I was just making sure of my phone that it weren't here because I saw em you told me

yeah I'm going to go in I think we've got this on record on the podcast right yeah I'm going to go in I'm going to like

eat clean I'm going to work out yeah I'm going to stay off the drink right I'm not going to do any drugs and I'm gonna

focus on my show yeah you felt like you blew your show two years ago yeah you had a year off you've come back with a strong show yeah and you went in you texted us in week one and it's all going to plan yeah and then i got talking to ashley story yeah on instagram yeah and i was messaging her and she was like elliot elliot's been really well behaved it's like he's uh she was like Elliot's been really well behaved it's like he's all grown up and matured

I feel like there's a big buck coming here he's getting up early for his fringe I'm sure I saw him drinking a cup of tea the other day

in Abitur that's what she said when all the boys were drinking he was there with a cup of tea and then he went home early

and I just texted her back and well I'll give him until Friday thought nothing of it Friday night

oh no one o'clock in the morning I got a message off you saying I've just broke a man's arm did the wheels come

off the bus wheels came off his bus. Oh. Oh, it went over my punchline. Let's pause this story. Had to pause the podcast there because there's some guys now in my bedroom fixing up the wardrobe.

Some real men. We've got an audience. So yeah, we were talking about... So I want to get back onto this. I got to text a few out of the blue. I broke a man's arm. And I was like, that's the very to text a few out of the blue. I broke a man's arm and I was like, that's the,

that's the very definition of the wheels coming off the bus. You're fucking up a clock. You text your mate saying that. You must have got into a fight, right?

And then, try and explain this to the podcast listeners. What, what happened? Because when you explained it to me, you did not come out

looking great. Ugh. So try and, I'm not going to put in, I'm not going to steer it yeah so what happened right is I was in Abattoir

I'm sure I'll say the name of the place I'm not going to say the name of the people so Abattoir is the artist bar I'm not sure if we've mentioned it before

but just if anyone is tuned in now it's the artist bar it wasn't actually in a that would be a way better story if I was just saying it's a slaughterhouse but that's why it's called they call it Abattoir because it's a place to he wasn't actually in a that would be a weird bit of story if I was just saying

it's a slaughterhouse but that's why they call it Abattoir because it's a place to go get slaughtered that's the joke and I go outside and I see

and I'm just gonna I cannot tell you what happened beforehand I see three people on top of a dude outside Abattoir why can't you tell me what happened beforehand

because I don't know oh like I don't know oh like I don't know three people yeah do you know the three people I knew the three people on top of this guy

they were they were what were their names name the role Dorman yeah Dorman friend

right on top of one dude on top of one dude and he must have done something he's done something because the friend and the two Dorman they're not the kind of people who just get on top of people.

Yeah, and also the doorman at the artist bar is actually, he's a tough guy, but he's actually quite artsy himself. He's artsy himself. He's a sweetheart. To explain him to people, he's like, imagine someone from Kingsman. He's not looking for trouble. No, no, no, no, no, not at all. He's a lovely guy. And so I go out and I see that.

Now, I have a espresso martini in hand at this point and i'm just looking over sipping it enjoying watching martini which is somewhere between jager bum and cocaine yeah yeah yeah so i'm just having a sip of that watching because i'm not gonna lie i enjoy watching situations like that they They're kind of fun. My friend, who is on top of him, looks up, sees me there, and gives me a sort of nod of like... Gives a hand, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So this guy must have been pretty big then. He was a bit of a unit. He was more on the side of he enjoyed... I think he was very drunk, and he enjoyed a few pies. So it's quite heavy. Hefty, yeah. Like a butter bean. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But this is the funny part. So I give Gareth War my espresso martini. I thought you were going to name names. Well, he was... So they're beating up Gareth. So I run over and they go grab his other arm. So I go, I grab the arm and i immediately go for an

armbar and the doorman looked at me and went no mate just restrain it so i go yeah what the fuck i'm not you know i'm not bruce lee what am i doing here so i get his arm but he's moving it around quite a bit now all i remember is put the shoulder to the floor, grab the arm from, what's this part called? Wrist control. The elbow. I didn't go over it. Did you just ask what the elbow's called? No, no, no,

but like this sort of area. The forearm. The forearm, there we go. Look, I'm not the one on trial here. The LM elbow. The LM elbow. I put his shoulder

to the floor, I grab that and I just sort of go, floor, I grab that, and I just sort of go, boom. But I move it back quite far, and this is what I hear. Snap. I just hear, and I look around, and I'm like, amongst this chaos of this guy wrestling, nobody else has heard it.

So I'm there like, going to keep that quiet. Did he scream? No, because at this point he was unconscious. You just... You just... Wait, keep telling me. Right. I'm not stealing it. So then what happens, like I'm fucking a bit panicky now

because I'm like, oh shit, I probably shouldn't be telling this story allegedly this is what happened so I move it

behind right there's this snap I look over at my friend who's on top of the guy and he goes

uh oh and I go what and he goes he's just shit himself so the guy then we're on top of shits himself

he's unconscious broken arm shot himself he goes he's just shit himself so the guy then we're on top of shits himself he's unconscious broken arm shot himself he was he was unconscious when I say unconscious let me make clear to people the guy

he's in brutality now the guy who's on top of him yeah I know I shouldn't be telling this story the guy who's on top of him he wasn't unconscious like he'd been knocked out

can I just like make this clear what the guy he was tucking out he was he was just he I just like make this clear what the guy he just took it out he was just he wasn't like unconscious is the

wrong word he subdued he was subdued but then he could have screamed if he broke his arm well I'll get there let me finish the

story spoiler alert didn't break his arm he's fine like I'm not a lawyer at all right now but I would fucking be having you

against the fence right now with the way you're trying to twist and turn and cover your tracks and change the story while telling it. Yeah, I don't know if we should be putting this on the podcast. I only asked you, well, how many broken guys are there? Oh, fuck. Oh, anyway, he was fine. He was fine.

It turns out he was fine. You didn't break his arm. I didn't break his arm. He was fine. I did hear a big snap. I might just be the world's best chiropractor. Who knows? Do you know what you just walked away with?

Ooh. That's been bothering me for years. And now all of a sudden. This guy, from what I... I got out there, saw that. This guy had tried to walk in, started taking swings at people, and, like, had been put on the floor,

and had, like... and when he got up afterwards he then tried to go and have a fight again yeah so he was just steaming drunk yeah he was just

he was just trying to fight anybody he was just trying to fight anybody and he ended up fighting everybody but I think I think let me let me make this clear he got what he deserved

yeah if you're gonna turn up to a place take swings there's kids around you know if you're gonna take swings at to a place, take swings, there's kids around, you know, if you're going to take swings at people, one of them,

one of them, one of them fucking snuck the cunt's arm, but no, his arm's fine, his arm's fine. I was going to say, like, I got that text message from you,

the reason I let you tell that story yourself is because, no matter how you tell it, no matter, like, even though you're a hero of your own story, I come out bad, you ran in,

where a guy was already subdued by three people and then broke his arm. I didn't break his arm. But do you know what, bruv? Your chat sheet, you get banged, innit? If you're going to have that thing where you're going to go, don't try to fight Dorman. Coward. You're a coward.

I am a coward. I am a coward. I'm a coward. But at the end of the day I didn't mean to. If I'd gone if I meant to do it his arm was fine. I had him in

handcuffs afterwards. So he's almost fine. Yeah yeah yeah the police came because he was trying to fight everyone. He should have fucking arrested

E. What for being a legend. But just like Hayden and the Bush while it's out kicking off and as soon as as soon as as soon as the phantom one

you dive up the bush. Do you know what the worst part is about this year? This is how in my head how I saw that story until I text you. Can I explain how I saw that story? Trouble was afoot at Abattoir.

The boys outside need help. Elliot walks out with an espresso martini, runs over, takes care of him. Hold my drink with an espresso martini, runs over, takes care of it. Hold my drink. Hold my drink. Hold my drink, Garrett. Hold my drink.

Hold my drink. You can help, but let the men deal with this. Let the men deal with this. Let me go over. Oh, you want to resist, do you? Snap. Hand me back my espresso martini.

When in reality, it was absolutely fine. I probably didn't need to get involved. And you got involved when it was already dealt with. Oh, yeah. Where were you when it was kicking off? I was ordering an espresso martini. Your friend, who I know who that friend is,

was probably just with you also having an espresso martini, but he saw danger and he reacted before it was over. Yeah. The difference. Listen, listen. History is written by the victor. yeah difference listen

listen you know history is written by the victor good luck to that guy writing anything with that arm but there's not

I didn't I didn't just to make clear in case in six months time I'm sat in court and their players I didn't break his arm

it turned out it was fine it's all good I wonder what the fuck those guys were setting building that thing I'm thinking Jesus these guys

have intense conversation. That's how I always think if anyone's used to dropping a podcast. Like, this isn't how we're normally talking to each other. It's like an exact

version. Oh, no, we would be high-fiving about talking about smacking someone. No, but anyway, I didn't, I was joking there as well. I didn't break his arm.

His arm was fine right we're going in circles like him when he's swimming I've been back in the gym since the end of the tour I've been getting up and do the

you're looking in very good shape thanks man I've been doing the 7 o'clock in the morning so I stand by fasted cardio because I put on quite a bit of Timber on the tour.

I get like this skinny fat. Yes. I mean, I lose any kind of weight. It's where I am at the moment. Any kind of weight I have in my arms. But you've still got thick shoulders though, so you carry it well. I get like,

my shoulders and arms go small and I get a fat belly and I found the best way I can focus it, get rid of it, is if I do fasted cardio. Yeah. So,

whether that's just going for a jog down the canal or what, but the Muay Thai gym, do like fucking sparring and fitness classes and technical drills and pad work. Every day,

it's a different type of class. But, it feels fucking, it feels mint because you're done by eight. Like, I'll be walking back sweating. Don't have to do it again,

yeah. Yeah, like, I've done me, like, I don't feel bad about lounging around and watching fucking netflix if i'm working seven late but it just feels like i'm up to something you know what i mean i'm training to fight while everyone sleeps what are you up to what have you got planned that's why i had to give up muay thai before the fringe because of what you just said there that uh the feeling of i've completed the day the feeling of I've completed the day

when you still have to do like three hours of writing is it's dangerous because I've had it before where like fuck me man I'd go in at

I'd go in at 10 be done by 11.30 walk back have my lunch and I'd be like well I need to have a nap and then before you know it it's four

and then you go oh well you know it's four no one writes it four nah so I had to give it up you had to give it up but you're fucking with it

at the moment but it's been every morning I love it because I kind of use my jet lag to my advantage when I come back from America I was like

I'm waking up at like 4.30 and stuff like wide awake and then so when I got to 7 I'd already like had a couple I was playing some

Playstation or whatever I was playing some PlayStation or whatever. Like, I was just, like, you know, getting up at old man times. Like, that used to fuck me off when I worked at the sports center. I was there. Early bird swim was seven, so I had to be in at half past six to take the covers off the pool, get the lights on, just fucking, just turn the sports center on. And when I turned up at six, there'd be cunts queuing outside. The old people that were coming for the 7 o'clock swim they're there

at fucking half past 6 and you'd chat to them and they were like I've washed the car and mowed the lawn and walked the dog and I've already done like a bunch of shit

and that's how I felt like the last few days like getting up at those like the last few weeks getting up at those times do you know right do you know

sorry sorry all I was saying is like it's just such a weird thing I don't know if it's highlighted a bit more that it's 7 in the morning but it is like it's just such a weird thing I don't know if it's highlighted a bit more that it's 7 in the morning but it's like

it's 7 in the morning like I fucking kind of sneak out the hoose and going under the railway bridge like Nads and the Archers and fun fight with strangers

it's just such a weird thing you know when you put it like that it's such an odd hobby like I go in and we fight each other we fun fight each other we go in and fun fight at other. We fun fight each other.

We go in and fun fight at like 7 in the morning and we all fucking love it. And none of us know each other from outside of the gym. We just know each other from this fucking common little fetish that we've got of wanting to chin each other. Have you had that thing where people in your gym, like you've ever tried to hang out with people from your gym? I've done it a couple of times in my gym. I've been there I've been there

two and a half years so I kind of completely different people right so I know these but like it took him a year before anyone realised I did comedy

yeah like before anyone really asked because you already had the common interest it comes up with me quite a bit because I'm

I'm in and out of the gym like like I've been gone for three years in and out right like I've just done've been gone for three years in and out right like i've just done a solid month there and i've seen one or two people that i trained with in the afternoons they've dropped out in the morning so there is one or two people who

i know from last time so i'll be like i've been away with work for a couple of months so i haven't been able to do it and then it comes up what do you do yeah and i'm not i'm not in the business of spinning the weather lies even though i'd rather not talk about it when I'm training. People have odd jobs there, though, when you think about it. The odd jobs there is that some of the people are professional fighters. I love that. There's people that are professional fighters. That's their job.

There's people who are there who are like... I got tired of a bloke who was a doctor. Yeah. And he just likes to keep himself fit. He's telling everybody else to be healthy and practices his own body preaches. And then you'll get people who are absolutely just like the day just to keep off the streets yeah recovering like drug addicts and stuff so you get like you get people from fucking every walk of life get in there it is great like that it's interesting there's a few very reformed characters in magic yeah like a few people in there who were like very very creed and yeah now like professional

multi-fighters but what he was talking about getting up early there and so my fringe show this year was at 12 15 which in um that that doesn't sound like much if you say to somebody army job starts at 12 that's a lie in for most people but it's festival hours like you're on festival hours like if you were Glastonbury and you had to be up at 12.15 you'd be like fuck that

it's the same it's a festival I had to do that every day for like 28 days and I love to show everyone who came especially podcast listeners

I love it when you come and you point out how they listen to us on the podcast they were all surprised that I was actually good at comedy literally

all of them every single one was like yeah I'm quite surprised that you were able to do that kind of show thank you for that

that's amazing I had low expectations after all the time I've had oh so low but then yeah I don't want to do

a show at that time again because it's it's just getting up at that time it's not's it's just getting up at that time it's not just let me explain getting up at that time if you wake up at 10

I'd still want to have an hour in bed yeah but in that hour in bed I'm there going fuck I've got to go do the show you want to have some breakfast

before you do a one hour on stage sometimes I would sometimes I wouldn't fasted comedy fasted comedy I'd be probably late headed I reckon if I'd done a 12 o'clock show without having breakfast sometimes I wouldn't fasted comedy fasted comedy I'd be probably late headed

I reckon if I'd done a 12 o'clock show without having breakfast yeah I don't I don't like eating before I go on stage anyway like that close

yeah you know do you know what it's like like you know when you do a gig at some venues and they give you food I always get the food afterwards

I was like that until my first one hour at the Fringe right because I got nervous before the gigs whether I liked fringe right because I got nervous before the gigs whether I liked it or not

I got nervous even if I tell myself I wasn't nervous I still had the symptoms of being nervous shriveled up dick nervous all the time now you know

if you're going for a pee if you're nervous it's like you've just been for a jog you never notice that if you're nervous about something you're going for a piss

your dick shrivels up what no your dick shrivels up what no your dick shrivels up when you go for a jog go for a jog is that what happens fizz dick that's what they call it

in the marines fizz not physical oh right right not fizz no it's not physical it's not like an alka-selsa

I'm amazed that you could just say that word like that by the way what was that alka-Seltzer fuck me if I had that in my vocabulary that would sit in the back room and just not be used that would take like two guys with a key to turn the lock

prepare me for Alka-Seltzer you know your vocabulary put it in the lexicon the moment's gone there'd have to be a five minute warning that I was about to use that word so I

bit of a druth dry mouth dry mouth sip on your drink all the time before you go on because your mouth is dead dry

so even if you're like I don't feel that nervous check your pulse and even if you don't feel that nervous your heart rate's up and also the inability to eat

and up to like three two three hours before the gig i couldn't eat food because i guess you're just the nausea of being nervous and done my first fringe in 2010 and i ended up just doing loads of extra shows i was on big value i've done jocks and jordys uh i've done my own show and then any other bits and bobs i've had three definite dotted throughout the day and then any extra ones I picked up and because it was

my first fringe and I was unknown I had to go into all of the fucking free fringe laughing horse shows just to get rid of flyers just to like

announce myself like do a five minute spot get rid of so I was doing loads and I was like if I can't eat before a gig I'm never ever

going to eat so I found myself like not hungry just forcing food, donuts, before I got on. And eventually it just become like,

it's fine now, it's alright. Yeah, but what? So you've just got to force yourself through it. Oh no, no,

no, it's not a nerve thing, it's just generally like, sometimes like I'd be on, so do you know what my routine was? Sometimes I'd Uber it to my venue,

sometimes I'd walk, I'd walk, but I'd change it up every now and then, sometimes I'd go past the meadow, sometimes I'd go through town, and I'd get to B my venue, sometimes I'd walk, I'd have a route, I'd walk, but I'd change it up every now and then. Sometimes I'd go past the meadow, sometimes I'd go through town and I'd get to Bannerman's where I was. I'd have a cigarette.

I'd have, I'd get a water and a Red Bull. Yeah. The water was to have off stage. I'd drink the water off stage. A Red Bull for me was when I was on stage because what I actually really enjoy during an hour show,

having a beer on stage yeah but you didn't want to have a 12 o'clock beer I didn't want to have a 12 o'clock beer because that would have been your first beer that would have been

yeah at 12 yeah and that would have been the wheels coming off the bus that would have been the wheels coming off the bus because you get a taste for it

like fancy another one yeah yeah and so on the last day I had a beer and it actually wasn't as nice as the Red Bull like I've barely I wouldn't finish the drink because like,

if anyone who saw my show, like part of like the performance of it is I'm sat down during it or I'm sipping, you know, but like, uh, it's, but that,

but you know, when you've just got that set routine and eating the own eating only came into it a couple of times, couple of times I'll go to pie maker. Like I might've gone out and had a few drinks the night before I wouldn't be like hungover but I'd be like

I probably should eat something because the last time I ate was at 8 o'clock last night so I might go to a pie maker and get myself a little pie but there was nothing aww you'd get yourself a little pie

oh yeah I'd get myself the haggis and mashed potato pie oh that's lovely that's sweet you know you're just there like like you're queuing just clutching your coins oh yeah my coins were in my pockets mashed potato pie that's lovely dead sweet you know hungry after

they kick you and just clutch on your coins oh yeah my coins were in my pockets can I have a pie please the night before I'd snap some cunts on for no reason

and there I am hello you are absolutely fucking Perry from Kevin and Perry hello can I have a pie can I have a pie please

yeah man it was a fun it was a fun it was a fun fridge there was nothing do you know what was interesting not having when you and Danny weren't really there

because Danny was there but he wasn't but he lives out of town now he lives out of town and when Danny popped in Danny would pop in and get to like two and he'd be like

right let's move off he just wanted to be back in his new crib didn't he he has me fucking going on I've bought a bed after the two hours. And he's like, I've bought Tony Stark's mansion.

Yeah, it's ridiculous. But you came up like second weekend, right? And what was interesting, you did that, you did that thing

that everyone who comes up second weekend does, where you turn up fresh faced. And the second weekend is a good weekend to turn up, I think. If anyone's to ever come, you go And the second weekend is a good weekend to turn up, I think.

If anyone's to ever come, you go, come second weekend, everyone's settled. No one's burnt out yet. You turn up on that second weekend and you are just like, woo, let's go. It's off the walls. Everyone went like, dial it back free. Nah. Nah, everyone dialed it up.

Fuck you. Did they? Fucking yes, they did. Did they? Well, I they did. Did they? Well, I ended up back at Danny's watching the UFC. I was still up at seven in the morning, mate. I wasn't there. People dialed it up. I had a 12 o'clock show.

You had responsibilities. And at least you had the fucking common sense to go, right, I can't join this. It was just you that shat yourself. You were like, oh, fuck, I remember this piece. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, it was... Because this is the thing when you're at the Fringe. It is great fun. by this pace yeah yeah yeah well yeah it was because

this is the thing when you're at the Fringe it's it is great fun it's great I I didn't cry I had two days

where I came close to crying did you yeah yeah yeah you never cried at the Fringe no you're not people do that don't they oh yeah it's a big thing

the Fringe cry mad pussy thing to do that like alright crying oh me fucking shoes look guys oh no no no I don't mean I don't mean about show or anything like that I mean like mad pussy thing to do that like alright crying oh me fucking show is not good oh no no no I don't mean

I don't mean about show or anything like that I mean like the reviewer said that I'm not funny so fucking oh man but the thing is

you can take the piss you can take the piss out of reviewers when you're not there but I've been flying in the rain and there's only quad reapers

there's people fucking doing the cold face man yeah but do you know like I get I know it's easy to laugh at but like the reviewer thing

yeah arty wank crying oh shut up they're gonna fucking cry over your art when it's not really an art well I disagree I think it is art

yeah I think it fits into the category of art I don't consider myself an artist no i but i think i think like in stand-up comedy you've got to be self-aware so then for us to go like we are artists then we then sound amazingly unself-aware do you know what i mean it's like it is it is it is an art form but like one thing that i enjoy about stand-up comedy like the one the reason i only do stand-up comedy, I can't do anything else. And I don't mean as just any other thing.

I had to do an audition for a voiceover thing. I turned up and I sucked at it because they were like, I wasn't in control. They were like, go, no, can you read this part? And I'm reading these whack jokes. And I'm there and I went like, can I do this my way? Let me just do it. And they're like, no. And I mean, I can't do and I'm there and I went like, let, can I do this my way? Like, let me just do that. And they're like,

no. And then I, I mean, I can't do anything else. You know what I mean? Like, you know, when you get that invite to turn up to,

you had it with the celebrity big brother thing. Yeah. It was fucking gross. Yeah. Like, um, I'm sure there's a Mitch Hedberg joke about that. But like when,

when you're a comedian, yeah. Um, when you're a comedian, you get like asked you get asked straight away can you write a script can you write a sitcom can you do that and you're like what's the punchline

of the joke it's not like as if I got a job doing this so that's when you're going to do that what was it again it's not the same

he's just talking about no I just want to do comedy this is what I do it's fucking so right because as well when you start doing stand up all of a sudden you've got to be good at logistics

because you've got to work out how to fucking get your product from here to fucking Sheffield. Yeah. You've got to work with the logistics of that and the financial side of the logistics and the timing of it and all that. So all of a sudden,

you've got to have that strength in your bow, which you might never have been good at. Right? And then you've got to have some kind of accountancy thing. Your administration needs to be in spec, is why we've got like people that take chunks out of our wage in the form of agents and accountants and that because you like oh fuck I actually haven't got the capacity to to deal with this I'm

just fucking I think a funny fortune I've got good ways of packaging them to deliver to strangers yeah all of a sudden I've got to be fucking good at all these other things as well yeah and you see all that all that other hard work that goes with it and then you're standing there in the rain

your flyer and 12 people turn up to your show you're allowed to fucking cry I didn't honestly I didn't like you know what

I didn't think you should bottle up crying you should probably if you feel like crying, it's probably bad for you to choke down them tears and fucking bottle it up. And that's probably what leads you to having suicidal thoughts and stuff like that.

It's probably why there's a high male suicide risk because they feel like they have to be a man and they can't deal with their emotions the way they want to. So they bottle it up and they're buried away and it manifests and it fucking hurts you psychologically. But I'm just really glad

that I don't have to deal with their emotions. If I've got low numbers, I'll be like, oh, wait, fucking, I've got my health. You know? Like,

people, like, I get a bad review and I'm like, ah, you know, my mates think I'm all right. Yeah.

I don't care what the stranger says in his little blog. I know, I know. It's so easy to like easily take a stance against reviewers that is like oh, they're just fucking

this, that and the other. I like the good reviews if they get a compliment. The thing is though when you get a good review it does put a spring in your step that day. If you get a compliment

off a fucking audience member it puts a spring in your step. If they come up and go that's the best show I've seen all day. Ugh. I'm on a 12 you've literally seen these shows if audience members

come up to me don't speak to me you scum no people are really nice after my show actually and the laugh does nice

and it's like you know if you get a bad review it sucks if they don't laugh it sucks if someone comes up and went

the worst thing with reviews is this year like I got four four and a half and I got It's like, you know, if you get a bad review, it sucks. If they don't laugh, it sucks. If someone comes up and went, hmm. The worst thing with reviews is this year. Like, I got four, four and a half, and I got threes. Right? The thing that's annoying with a three is a three is actually a good review. A three is like, this is a good show, but you just can't do anything with it. Well. Do you know what I mean?

It's just like, yeah, this is good. So then you cry? What do you do? Do you just get out and meh? No, I played Mario with Tom. just like it's like yeah this is good so then you cry what do you do no i played mario with tom would you rather get a three star uh no review well that's it answers obviously you'd rather not have the review at all than have the three star no because then if you don't get if you don't get we're just getting just quite self-indulgent if you don't self-indulgent but let's do it right if you don't get reviews what will then happen is like so when I knew I was getting a couple

good reviews like I knew like you get you sort of know when you're going to have good reviews like there's a reviewer

in the show as well yeah you have to be sadeswaped for them to do it well I had a I had one reviewer just come up to me

afterwards and be like look I'm reviewing it for this that's a really good show and don't worry about like um what I was surprised with was I don't worry about like, um,

what I was surprised with was I didn't get any, like, I actually got called like quite woke. This is not woke, but like, I actually got called like quite like feminist. You sound astonished. I am.

Cause I'm definitely fucking not. You did do bits about like ethical porn and stuff like that, didn't you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You were very good to work with actually. but you did do bits about like ethical porn and stuff like that didn't you yeah yeah yeah that's what we were working on together before the preview

yeah yeah yeah you were very good to work with actually you were very good to work with because you really do draw a bit out yeah like you do go like

what is it you're trying to what is this here this is what the story is and I think that comes from when I started out and I would like not like just started out but when I was

writing I would write with Tom Stead when I lived in Edinburgh and he would draw a bit out so he kind of showed me how to write with someone as well as yeah

that's a really important thing to learn this how to write with people do you know who's great to write with Tom Horton Tom's good yeah

as in like going Tom yeah Tom's given me a couple of really good lines in my last show and Tom will also come watch your show and go like

here's what the structure of this is this is what you're because it's so easy when you're writing a show to have your idea yeah and then you

have a bit that's interesting and someone will go whoa whoa whoa that's the show yeah that bit there is what the show should be

yeah instead of you then going like yeah you keep like you'll help you shift your focus yeah yeah

Mark Nelson's fucking killer like I've been so lucky that instead of you then going like you'll say yeah you'll help you shift your focus yeah yeah he's really good Mark Nelson's fucking killer like I've been so lucky that every time I've previewed my shows it's been with Mark Nelson

Gareth Ward Daniel Sloss and we'll fucking we'll sit together and we'll work on it and then we'll watch each other's shit so the four of us

have got like a big influence in each other's shows yeah and then when we when we get to the fringe we're normally fucking shit hot because you've had like just an extra three joke writers like fucking helping you with your premises expanding it oh that's leading you in the right direction like right with your sense of humor in mind rather than that one as well because that's that's how i think as well like that's the that's the thing that I'll say like the worst bit

for me this year about the fringe wasn't wasn't the fringe itself it was two months before it having to get that show and where it was being

so personal and like you do you find like oh man you got it if you do it next year you got this to come that thing where you're

sat in May and you're gonna go to Muay Thai you're gonna come back here you're gonna put on you sat in May and you're going to Muay Thai you're going to come back here you're going to put on La Liga and then you're going to sit back and go I should be working on the show yeah

every book I pick up every PlayStation game I pick up I should be working on the show it's because you're self-employed you've got no boss breathing down your neck yeah you've just got you and it's only you you can let down

and you let yourself off with so much shit I leave it so late usually but I've got ideas for next year I'm taking some time off I'm not going to go out to Australia I'm actually coming to

Australia soon to the podcast listeners in Australia I'm coming with Daniel Sloss on tour in October it's pretty sick right we're going out to Tokyo which I'm going

to Tokyo but I can't get my visa it's such a short period of sick, right? We're going out to Tokyo, which I'm going to Tokyo, but I can't get my visa, it's such a short period of time, so I'm just going to get out there to join the tour. For sure. Danny's doing it

without a support, or if we can find someone local, and then we've got Hong Kong, Singapore, Australia, and then we'll come back

and do the European. So that's me plugging the gigs that are coming up. Just go on Daniel Sloss' website. If you want to see my solo show How I'm just gonna pause this come on in it It's just the wardrobe construction guys borrowing a chair Fancy fancy to sit down go go put in Narnia. Ah

Yeah, bit of whimsy bit of whimsy. Um,sy yes I'm doing one solo show between now and Christmas it's on the 22nd of December and it is in Newcastle at the start I think I'm going to be there oh yeah

because I've lent my entire career to Daniel's career for this last 18 months because he's had way more success than me so it's more exciting yeah

oh yeah I could have just been doing like little mini two hour of me own like 40 people and that but I was like nah I'll just go and play to 1200

or that cunt if we're doing plugs on the well I'm doing there will be some more dates but I'm doing my show at the Brighton Comedia on March 20th

of 2020 that is very far away it's not even on sale yet that's going to be a new show that's my show the show that you're doing now yeah yeah yeah

your latest one yeah but I've booked it in now probably not even meant to say it yet I've probably got to wait for loads of things to be confirmed

fuck it but also yeah I think I'm going to because Palace are playing Newcastle the day before your show so I thought

let's have a good time so I thought I was going to come up and see Newcastle so yeah next year this is what I plan

I'm doing my bedroom out I'm getting a computer desk in and I'm going tocastle so yeah next year this is what I plan on doing my bedroom out I'm getting a computer desk in and I'm going to have a working day next year because I'm only

going to pick a handful of weekend gigs just to not get rusty just to pop away do you know what to do

take advantage of living in London and take advantage of living in London I've already spoke to some

people about I didn't want to be chasing money gigs all the time. I want to be looking at gigs where I'm getting less money or no money, and they're going to give us the creative freedom to have me note, send me back pocket, a couple of bits written on my hand. I mean, top secret every night,

you know, that's one of the best places in the world. Then you've got, just down the road, backyard. Backyard. Every Thursday, they've got a new material night. Literally a five minute walk from you. You've got a down the road Backyard Backyard every Thursday they've got a new material night

literally a five minute walk from you you've got a boat show on Tuesday the Guinea Pig Club they do one that's on a boat that's cool like you can

I know people in London like I never do it because I I hate it but like people do free gigs free new material nights on a Monday

most I ever do is two that's the plan I'm going to I'm going to have writing days I'm going to get up and just do stuff and I'm going to like just put my set on the back burner, like my club set.

I'll keep it alive. I'll keep it going. And then I'll just try and... Do your stores, do your comedians. Yeah, well, that's the plan. I'll get up and do the stand gigs and the glaze. This is the weird thing about London. I can understand why people like moan that everything's

in London because the amount of things I've got from just doing spots at places in London as in like just being seen for something

and someone's like oh yeah man my mate just popped down fancy watching some comedy I've done no I've done literally Soho theatre

in the comedy store the only things and the slosses tour are the only gigs I've done in London everything else is outside of London I think I'm the fucking only things and the slosses tour are the only gigs I've done in London everything else is outside of London

I think I'm the fucking only person in the world that's moved to London and commutes out of it for a week it's fucking pointless it's so good

it's so good for like just central London for like because man do you know what so today this is the first time

I got the tube in ages because of being in Edinburgh and it just felt nice just oh it felt so nice like being actually back in London

yeah like seeing people rush seeing people you know people stand at the right on the escalator oh a little home comfort

like that well Edinburgh Edinburgh's in my top five favourite cities in the world it's definitely Edinburgh's like one of the best cities about

that's an absolute breath of fresh air from Londonondon as well if you're getting a bit fucking hardened if you're getting hardened by london edinburgh is a good city to get in and fucking loosen you up a bit and uh scottish people like edinburgh the friendliest about i find glasgow can be glasgow's cool uh they can be a bit that i've had like a couple of people who've been a bit funny with me like just a few people just a bit funny about my accent

yeah yeah yeah yeah I've had it a couple times but like not nothing bad just like yeah there is a bit of prejudice towards southern accents

in Scotland like I've always gotten away with it being a Geordie you'll get away with it because I mean essentially like we were saying

I know there's some ruffle feathers basically we were talking about this the other day I can't remember who it was if you were to just move the Scottish border you could probably include Newcastle in it

oh would win the league I would embrace that nobody would really be like yeah I can there's a sort of the same thing well this is the way I've looked at it right the reason that people in Scotland

dislike the English, and if you look outside of the UK and go to Ireland and why they dislike the English, it's because of the government. They feel like they've been oppressed by the government. Ireland has got like a rich history

of being oppressed by the British government. Scotland, they've got like a modern history of being oppressed by the British government. But you can've got like a modern history of being oppressed by the British government. But you can't still hate, you can't hate Newcastle if that's your reason because we've actually been oppressed by the British government

because they took away all our industry and all of our transport links and didn't put anything there to replace them by any like fucking backup plan. They just fucking pulled the rug from underwear and just left we're hanging. So the geordies actually have got a lot of resentment for the way they've been treated by the government so when the scottish hate the english you're like oh yeah but you're on our side newcastle's actually on our side of the fence even it's

not on our side of the border they're on our side of the fence and that's how i think they're feeling island as well so that's why when i turn up to these places with a jolly accent they don't treat me like the Englishman that they would treat you as yeah yeah yeah I like

there's a gig in Belfast the Empire like I don't bother doing it because it is like I just don't want I don't want to go there

and die for that little money and I have to fly somewhere and I have to stay over and I have to fly back and it's just a shit 24 hours. I just don't want to do it.

What the fuck's going on? I know we've run out of time but fucking Brexit it's nuts isn't it? It's getting exciting. We're going to be political over. Let's try it. I feel like it's beyond fucked up because it's the fall of democracy, right?

I don't know. I'm an idiot, right? But what I've read, they're suspending parliament so they can push through something that nobody wants pushed through. Our elected ministers are stopping it from getting pushed through.

You're not elected. No, no. The MPs who are stopping it, they're being suspended. They're the ones that the MPs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who are stopping it. They're being suspended. They're the ones that the people elected. Yeah. Boris Johnson isn't the one that anybody elected. No, did anyone elect Boris Johnson?

140,000 people in the Tory party. Is it? Right. In the Tory party. Right, okay, so he is unelected, right? And this has been given permission by unelected royals, right? But the elected ministers have been moved out of the way. That means democracy isn royals, right? But the elected ministers have been moved out of the way. That means democracy isn't working, right?

And you know what we're doing about it? Nothing. Because the football's on. And X Factor for the lasses. And we're quite content. Yeah. Because do you know what the thing is, yeah? You go on social media and everyone's like,

look at the chaos. What, are they annoyed? But then I look outside your window. It's all right. The sun's shining. There's kids playing in the park. Squirrels just ran past the balcony. That's a great callback.

Honestly, I think Facebook might have fucked it because if we were up in arms before 2008, we didn't have a pillar to scream into, which is Facebook. Writing your opinion on Facebook, it sheds you of the angst, but it puts it nowhere. Facebook is screaming into the pillar and that's all everybody is doing.

We're doing nothing. Twitter's the we're digging nothing Twitter's the worst man Twitter's the worst for it because like you just see people I know we've got to wrap this up but you see people

tweeting you idiots what have you voted for you idiots and you're like look man there's some sick memes on here

so I'm just going to mute that I'm going to go oh look there's an account that just retweets fit girls what's his face Jeremy Corbyn's calling for a general election right so I'm just going to mute that I'm going to go oh look there's an account that just retweets fit girls yeah what's his face

Jeremy Corbyn's calling for a general election right oh my god that guy has that guy do you know what he reminds me of he reminds me of

like an uncle I had who just used to sit in a shed and smoke hash like he has no he's like and he would have like these radical ideas you're like

these are good ideas what are we going to do to implement them and then it's like oh he's back to his shed. He just doesn't do anything. What did he just say about the Jews? So this is how I look at it, right? As if a general election comes up.

Who do you vote for? I'm going to vote for Labour. Right. And this is why I'm going to vote for Labour. Who does Rupert Murdoch least want to be in? vote for Labour right and this is why I'm going to vote for Labour right who does Rupert Murdoch least want to be in who does

the Order of the fucking Sun and Starbucks least want to be in who would Katie Hopkins and Piers Morgan least want to be in

who would Donald Trump least want to be in the answer to every one of them questions is Jeremy Corbyn the enemy of my enemy

is my friend I'm voting for the person that's going to piss all of those cunts off. I think that's the only way I can vote. You can't vote for your favourite person because there isn't really one. You just vote for the one that's going to fucking... Because they're the bad guys. I've just listed the bad guys, right?

If they are fucking political icons and idols, you're on the wrong team. And just because the other team is this little fucking weak, handshaking man that wants to get rid of the nuclear weapons, that's keeping us safe. Fuck. We're in a pickle, aren't we?

Oh, no. We're in a pickle. Anyway, your dad... That's politics from fucking Muggins and Milk anyway. So, your... Oh, this is a bad way to start it. Your dad threw a banana at a black footballer not because he's racist,

but because he was genuinely concerned about his potassium levels. He's just naive and innocent. Your dad wears a moon cup up his arse when he has diarrhoea. Your dad really misjudged the Catherine wheel he let off at his co-worker Mike's funeral. Your dad paid the dentist an extra £100 to take his rubber gloves off. Your dad paid the dentist an extra £100 to take his rubber gloves off. Your dad put on American History X thinking it was a George Washington porno.

Your dad got his dick caught in a zip, but it was a zip to his tendon. Your dad was showing your mum some sick things he'd learnt at karate and now she lives in a halfway house Your dad lost an eye by throwing a mentos in a bottle of coke and then having a look Your dad doesn't smoke or vape, he steams Your dad wears jorts to go swimming Your dad's stuck up a tree Your dad went to a straight go swimming. Your dad stuck up a tree. Your dad went to a straight pride march and got battered because he thought he was taking the piss.

Your dad actually did drop his gay card at straight pride. Your dad used to put all of his own school photos around the house as well as yours because he didn't want you stealing the limelight your dad tweets Ryan Collins saying looking forward to your gig later is that him? your dad walks the dog by grabbing its back legs and walking it like a wheelbarrow your dad used to pick you up from school

in the pussy wagon from Kill Bill when your dad fell in love with your mom he didn't know what the feeling was so he checked himself into A&E to get out of luck then aww it's really sweet your dad's screensaver is of the Annoying Orange

of the Annoying Orange? don't wanna know I'll show you right wait everyone google Annoying Orange right no no no you're doing it now I'll show you it Wait everyone Google Annoying Orange Right no no no You're doing it now I'll show you

It'll be very funny Okay I'll just do this Just for your reaction To the Annoying Orange The face recognition feature On your dad's phone Only recognises him When he's crying

Same with everybody This is the Annoying Orange Nice I'll just give you that snippet I haven't just seen that right that's the end of the podcast you got one last

your dad joke are you done no that was it that was it so yes anyway that's what your dad's screensaver's up all over the world

you can see me and Daniel on tour you have to wait in March to see Elliot what have you got between now and then oh wait in March to see Elliot what have you got between now and then losing clubs yeah yeah yeah

so I will do have you got a website with the dates on no what am I fucking Stephen Hawking no this is a

shambles of an right follow Elliot on Twitter he'll let you know where he's going bye we're getting right bye