Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 3.34 The Joy of Arguing

Episode Date: October 2, 2019

Muggins and Cream are back on the road with the last leg of the tour bringing you frequent podcasts until Christmas, including this one where they mostly enjoy arguing about parking a van. 

Yo Muggins Yo Muggins I just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Yo, Muggins. Yo, Muggins. Yo, Muggins. Picture cream. Did we try and stop with it? We did. I was going to do a different intro, but you just...

Wait. Let's restart. No, no. Mine isn't going to work anymore. It was going to be funny. I was going to be like, shh, they're here. And I was going to be pretending that we were, like, bitching about them. Because we know that they've been bitching about us

because it's been so long since we've seen a podcast so I was just trying to get one over these fucking whiny cunts you know what holipops are man

first of all it's holibobs holipops holibobs you say holibobs holibobs aye fucking Scottish man damn

god I mean holibobs what did you say holipops holipops it's like when you call your jabs, your jags, you're like, no, fucking jabs. Hollypops, you're not, it's around to a hollypop.

Lollipops. Hollypops, yeah. Lollipops. That's the whole point, isn't it? No. Hollybobs. I mean, it's just Hollybobs. I mean, neither are acceptable.

They're all muggly. They're all muggly. Aye. So, it is as muggly as the, oh, put me in your suitcase. That was one of the original Muggle Hornets. It was, wasn't it? You missed a bit when you cleaned the windows.

Aye. I was cleaning those windows. Painting the Forth Bridge. Was that a saying you used to say, even though you're from Fife? No, what? Like painting the Forth Bridge. Yeah, the Forth Bridge connects to Fife.

Yeah, I know, but like I'm saying, because it's not as exotic for you guys because that was a saying that meant like it's pointless tidying up after the kids because they've made

a mess elsewhere it's like if you paint the 4th Bridge by the time you finish painting it yes the 4th Bridge has to be repainted at all times

because it's that I mean they've probably come up with some decent paint by now I don't know if that's true and also no I didn't believe that shit. But for a very, very long time, my dad, being the dick of the ES,

managed to convince me that the reason it was called the Fourth Road Bridge was because it was the fourth one. He's like, yeah, the three fell down. I was like, didn't they, are they? He didn't think it was because the name of the channel was the fourth. I didn't know the fucking name of the river. Is that a river or a channel? It's a, what do you call it, like a mouth? It's a firth. It's the fucking name of the river. Is that a river or a channel? Like, it's a... What do you call it? Like a mouth?

It's a firth. It's the firth of fourth. But I've never heard any other firths. Is that the only firth of fourth? No, I think there's... No, it's the only firth of fourth, but I'm pretty sure there's another firth. Is it just the way that you just rename stuff?

Like, you go, this is a mountain. Nope, Monroe. This is a lake. It's a lock. This is the M6. Nope, A47. I don't think it's... I don't think it's we name them differently.

I think it's the fact that, like, languages come from different47. I don't think it's we named them differently. I think it's the fact that, like, languages come from different areas. I don't think it's like, we were like, we're going to be different. It's not like the way the whales do. Oh, but that wouldn't have worked very well with my punchline of putting the motorway at the end of it. No, no.

All right, well, yeah, look, for the purposes of the joke, sure, fine. Yeah. I didn't think it needed such instant surgery. We're one episode in. You want to get back into this do you get back into what get up man what how was your holiday

it was nice really nice I got my bronze on aye oh let us just address something here right oh here we go not you this is something with these oh right these cunts aye

right so I got into an, right, these cunts are. Right? So I got into an Instagram. Oh, these fucking cunts, man. I put a Sloss and Humphries on the boat, because we're

on a boat. We're on a boat. Right? And this perfectly normal picture. Absolute fine picture. I realised that the next filter along

made me look really tanned. Right? I mean, I wasn't that tanned. I was a little bit pink but the filter I was like

you know what that photo does look better if I just give myself a bit of tan right and I popped that on and for some reason

it just lit up your foot like a Christmas tree and neither and neither of us know it's because neither of us are fucking losers nah

it's not the main thing of the photo you've got the boat the sunshine the sea, the legends. But some people,

upon seeing stuff on Instagram, like they have this, they have this, they have this inner hatred of something that's popular. These comments on Barrelave, of course.

Yeah, yeah. So these people who are on Instagram, but hate people who are on Instagram, so they're like, oh my God, all of these people

looking at this picture and liking this picture, I'm going to be so different and I'm going to point so different and I'm going to point out something. Look at the filter on the foot. Oh my fucking god. Every single one of you's desperate attempt

to be an individual just threw you under the bus with all the other cunts we hate. You know what it is, right? I saw a Facebook post by, I think it was Lee Kyle, who's the celebrity that year um that you have to be reminded of to know exists right which is like a fun thought game because like you you're not reminding yourself so you have to really dig deep which

celebrity have i forgetting about and try and just knock some cobwebs off a celebrity chris eubank good one right that's a good one and i put i put Howard off the Halifax right I thought that's a pretty obscure good one but I decided to have a little scroll first and there's hundreds of comments

but it took us a few seconds to just scroll and Gareth Wall had already put on Howard off the Halifax right and I was like been done

I'm gonna move on how the fuck did these foot commenting cunts notice every other fucking comment about the foot

like that's all my notifications were for a week every single 36 comments so was wrong with Slaus's foot Slaus's foot

was like fucking Marlena Marlena fucking three days later messaged me going is your foot sorted I'm like oh my god you fucking moron

like why is it because this is the thing right you know what it's racism as well just because I'm Scottish I get sunburned racist absolutely racist

my problem was because I'm on hold I'm not in my phone very often I fucking barely touch the thing just the input right not the output so I had to like

catch up and I genuinely believe I've missed important messages of family members because I just couldn't be asked before commenting alright

some people reading below really nice comments I heard you got offered a Netflix special in commenting comments. Aye, just, aye, some people reading below, really nice comments. I heard you got offered a Netflix specials in the comments and you've just not seen it. Aye, I'm sorry Netflix. Yeah,

I had a lottery one in touch via the comment thread. Aye, they're just like, you've won 7 million pounds. you didn't check your numbers when you were on holiday, you've won 7 million.

I'll never know. I'll never know. I'll never know. Aye, really fucking brutal. Madeleine McCann comment. Marked herself safe. Dr. Dre said he dropped the Detox album.

That's how he released it in the comments, but nobody will know about the Detox album because of his fucking sluss foot. Oh, he fucking muggles. Oh, he was nice though. It's so nice. It's like a destination that has to live up to its hype because there's so nice it's like a destination that has to live up to its hype

because there's so much hype when you get to Hawaii and you go oh this is what every picture of someone on holiday is from like this is when you think of a holiday and like you know the sun, the sea, the sands the sluts there wasn't actually that much

blart there there was lots of th much blart there there was lots of thong bikini action that was just like everybody was so comfortable just walking around with their thongs on

to Australian listeners not flip flops they also had ok yes flip flops you got me on a technicality they also had flip flops but J string bikinis were just

norm there and that is decent aye because I love wearing them. I'm super decent with that. They go really well with my eyes. You can just see blood splashes coming out the side of mine. Aye. Yes, but it was...

You know what, as well? This is something lame to pick up on. But there was no mozzies. Wow. Wow. Hey, that's all right, Trump. Jesus Christ. There's no mozzies.

Fucking mad you could not. Why do you not like mozzies? They try to bite me. No, they're not. They want my blood. Sir, you stop reading the Daily Mail the spread infections

no these are all horrible horrible bits you mean mosquitoes right no yes I mean mosquitoes alright so for those of you

that don't get that joke that basically comes from a time a while ago when I was talking to Kai Humphrey's lovely lovely parents who are very kind and they were talking about wanting to move to Greece and I said to your mum Linda I was like are you excited to move to Greece she goes yeah yeah yeah I love the weather I think it's great just heard there's a lot of mozzies there and I was like oh my god like Guy's mum's racist and like or not even

not even not even in a way I think it was a road about the time that that guy in Tunisia had went fucking postal on the beach it was one of those things

where you just go oh my god she's got this racism but it's not even like it's like it's racism that she doesn't even realise it's racism because she just said it

so casually in conversation to me like Guy's girlfriend is you know her mother's muslim oh my god this is bad uh and i didn't know whether to tell you that your mum was a racist and then later found out that mozzie's meant mosquitoes and not muslims and turns out i'm the bigot for thinking all you poor cunts are racist your head went there this is a little game that i always play Linda Linda Linda I'm just waiting for an answer

yeah son the game I always play is every time I've got people around I'll tell them I'm going to make my mum see a sweet meat and then I'll mention mosquitoes and then he gets his dick out

and pour sugar on it and point and just look at my mum until she says no every time every time you talk about mosquitoes it'll eventually get me mam

say they bit me all the time they bite me all the time give them the kev give them the kev that's me mam's catchphrase give them the kev that's that's

do not they kev they bit me all the time give them the kev have a laugh have a laugh have a laugh who choose the bitters and bitters all the time don't they Kev have a laugh have a laugh have a laugh who chews juice you can fuck off

with that bit like chocolate or chocolate we can all play this game I don't even say that compliments to the chef we've got so many things going on here

I'm going to put a lid on this every time my mum we get to talk about musketeers she goes always bite me I'm sweet meat aren't a kid um so i can make my mom say sweet meat on cue so i can say watch this i'm

gonna make my mom say sweet meat and then i'll just start talking about mosquitoes eventually like it's fun game um however daniel has been getting annoyed at me because i've been calling him a catchphrase comedian and he didn't mean to become a catchphrase comedian I'm not one but people come up to you and you can't choose it

it's like you can't choose your own nickname you can't choose your own catchphrase you're already pitching the stories of people come up

to me saying catchphrases who chooses nobody's ever said that in comedy and you reply with going who chooses there we are you reply with going who chooses

Jason and Barry are you levelling up and who chooses Jason and I just have to stand there

I'm cringing this podcast is going to be shit if I have to knock you out for the rest of it for spreading your fucking lies

so you were trying to rebuttal with me like choking on a Toblerone choking on a Toblerone which is a punchline which by the way choking on a Toblerone

was something I did when don't that's a joke if this joke comes back out you're getting cancelled no I'm not going to bring it back

I said that I was going to put a joke in that wasn't funny just people would laugh at it because of my accent so I put in choking on a Toblerone into my set just so I can must have been choking on a Toblerone and people laugh because I tell them where to laugh with the tone of my voice here's a wee comedy insider tip sometimes sometimes comedians don't know why things are funny all we

know is that they are like the one that always comes up with sometimes certain chocolates are funnier as punchlines than other ones for example Twix isn't as funny as Curly Whirly why?

Curly Whirly is a much funnier punchline than fucking Twix Curly Whirly? Curly Whirly? Curly Whirly? Cashless comic

so I put that in so basically at the end of the show at the end of the podcast we're going to be selling shirts that say Curly Wurly on them. There's a way you can get the birthday cards,

you open them up, they've got a recorded message in. Kyle said Curly Wurly. If you text 6606, that number, you can get Kai's little voice for a wee message alert. Just be like... And everybody,

the way Daniel says people don't come up and say who to choose after shows, you just watch. They don't come up and say who choose juice after shows you just watch they don't watch I mean if they didn't they wouldn't 100% do that they will

not I but these are going to be podcast cards no we no Carly Worley will land if there is Maltesers funny

Maltesers is not funny is it I wrote something down on my phone the other day because I knew it was a funny word and I was just going to try and squeeze it in there. Did you escape this? But the one thing that would be the nearest to catchphrase

that was main that people would shout out is I know what you're doing in there. I can smell it. I know what you're doing in there and another one was I've got me towel. I've got me towel. Oh, yeah. I've got me There. I Can Smell It. Aye. I Know What You're Doing In There and another one was I've Got Me Towel. Oh yeah. I've Got Me Towel. I've Got Me Towel.

Touched The Turtles, didn't you? I mean, I just died in there. That one. No. That one didn't make it. I've Got Me Towel was a proper one.

I've Got Me Towel was a proper like people would say. Cashfish comic. So drop it. Then everyone would run up. Who'd choose juice you're having a laugh

what was your favourite part about Hawaii just you being there and that what was your least favourite part can I get it

aye aye have a guess have a guess what your least favourite part of the holiday was Natalie being there

well I'm going to assume well I'm going to bring up I'm going to bring up have a guess have a guess who your least favourite part of the holiday was Natalie being there well I'm going to assume well I'm going to bring up I'm going to bring up something to do by what would you say the worst meal

you've ever had in your life is the worst meal I've ever had the worst meal like I was scared to eat it actually

because Matty right Matty Matty tried to kill us. He cooked a meal. Did he? Did he cook a meal?

He, he warmed some chicken skewers up under his armpit. No, no, no, no. He texted the kebabs the fire emoji three times

and then served it to us. And he had a wee hoof, didn't he? He did. He basically got a roast turkey, put it in a tanning bed, right, and then we it to us and he had a wee huff didn't he he did he basically got a roast turkey put it in a tanning bed right and then we didn't

want to eat it he was like why because something had to get roasted and it was him so here's the actual story of what happened before we get back

into roasting my on my birthday we all got very very drunk during the day and Matty and Alex Nath's brother, very, very kindly... Oh, no, basically, we realised that we hadn't eaten because we'd been drinking all day

and that we should probably eat if we were going to go into the rest of the evening. Didn't we do, like, a shop run? So we went and got the skewers. We did the thing. So that kind of, like, got us off the hook. Oh, well, no, it was also my birthday, so I wasn't doing anything.

I was off the... So Matty and Alex basically fell on the internet and they graciously stood up and decided to be the ones to cook the BBQ chicken

yeah yeah now we were very very drunk so we didn't really need to do it anyway but the cabbages were slightly undercooked

a bit chewy and there's a little bit of pink left in the oh is that the beef ones yeah yeah a little bit of

pink left in the chicken but not enough like salmon doesn't exist it would have been fine to eat but you know just a little bit of pink left in the Oh, is that the beef ones? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little bit of pink left in the chicken. But no, no, salmon doesn't exist. It wouldn't be fine to eat. But, you know, just a little bit. Nobody brought it up at the time because nobody really gave a shit. And then two days later,

we bought more kebab stuff and I was about to cook them. And, oh no, Mike was about to cook them. He was like, well, why don't we just, why don't we just reheat the cooked stuff from the other day? And I just... Re?

That was exactly how I went, re? And then everyone laughed because everyone knew privately that it was slightly undercooked. Now, that's where we should have stopped. But what happened was we found a rich vein of form in that making jokes about Matty not being able to cook really made us laugh, really made everyone else laugh. And because Matty...

Felt underappreciated which I will say at this point Matty was 100% right to be on half with us because he was doing a nice thing from the goodness of his heart nobody else made him do it

and we were just turning him into the laughing stock we were just making fun of him pointing and laughing for no other reason than we were but what was funny I was like saying stuff like

do you want us to knock the fan off just give him an extra couple of degrees because his little fan spiralled him on the ceiling and saying just standard stuff of being like Matty you're meant to knock the fan off just give an extra couple of degrees because the little fan's spiralling on the ceiling just standard stuff of being like Matt you're meant

to use cooking oil not fucking suntan lotion yeah standard stuff like Matty how are you going to cook that beef if you're giving it an icy stand

he couldn't make icon out of it so I'm going to go for a shower go and take the chicken in there turn it on hot so you can cook it

better than Latin Matty do you reckon this food is called Latin because you poured your heart and soul into it and it was one after the other

after the other and em it was very funny and he was getting more and more annoyed I just looked over and there's Matty he stood with his

boob apron on with a little tear going down his cheek our cheek though and em he didn't he didn't store him off he finished cooking

the stuff he put it on the table and then he excused himself to I don't know go screaming to go not eat it I don't know

if only we could do that so we made fun of Matty we I would later on I didn't apologise you know what was funny with how Matty

dealt with it at the end because he was just annoyed that we like fucking spent our even degrading him he's trying the end because he was just annoyed that we'd spent our even degrading him and it was just constant you know what we get like

when he's doing a favour and I was completely in the wrong in this situation right and I guess to Matty I'll give you a game of Kirby

we're playing Kirby on the pool and the loser's got to apologise and then I beat Matty and he apologised to me for it fair's fair I have his word

fair's fair so that was your that was your favourite bit that was actually my highlight well it was hilarious so Matty's actually I didn't find that not funny at any point

I know he didn't find it funny at some point what's that? no idea? nah no? no recollection at any point holiday we lost sense of humor oh with the parking of the van that was a nightmare that was um you were like waving us out and like pulling us out and then

soppit screaming at the back and you've already passed the high uh was it the um the height thing you know when sorry let's let's tell the story properly we're going into a car park where it goes let's start from the beginning with the noise start now this starts from the beginning of that i love you very much but you're not that good a driver i'm already driving i'm already parking i'm already in all of it you're all wrong. Yeah, but you think you're going to drive it and everyone else thinks you're not going to drive it.

I'm super cautious. So it gives me air that I'm unconfident and shit. I've just been through a car window before, so I'm dead cautious.

Well, did it do brain damage? Do you think so? So, you're driving in the van. It's a big van. I've driven it for most of the holiday.

It was good fun to drive. Chris Martin drove it for a bit. It's your turn to drive because you're dropping it off that evening. I've driven it for most of the holiday it was good fun to drive Chris Martin drove it for a bit we it's your turn to drive because that you're dropping it off that evening I'm drinking during the day

you have to stay sober anyway you're driving Natalie is in the front with you with her phone up with the directions on where we're going to

shop it five rows back decides that he wants to go in a different direction and you are sitting there going I don't know who to listen to. I need to be him. If only there was somebody holding a phone with a map on it right beside you, giving you directions, and you could just ignore the man.

Five rows behind you as everyone was telling you to ignore him. But you didn't. You were getting wound up because someone was yelling. Everyone was telling you to follow Natalie's thing. But you got more and more wound up. We finally get to this parking place the car van I know for a fact is seven feet high

because I've I've been driving it all week yeah there's a parking so there's that bar on a chain that says like height limit yeah

and once you're under that yeah you're under that and it says there six point it says oh no see you were waving us through

because a beam came down and you were waving us through while sobbits in the back end you've passed the limit man why haven't you just fucking drive up and park the car you've skipped forward again so we get to the parking structure it says six foot five ago we can't go in there sobbits as we can we start going up we make it past the first little bit i decide to get to the van because i don't trust this fucking thing and i'm like okay i'm gonna make out and i'll tell you when to stop if you're gonna hit the fucking roof you start driving up and I get in the car and then I suddenly see a lower hanging down basically a bit of a concrete covering a pipe that's the 6.5 clearance the seven foot van is clearly about to hit this thing so I hold my

hands up in the air and go stop stop stop you're about to hit it you don't stop because you are currently in the van looking at the roof which is the only reason why i got out of the car so that you didn't do that so you could see the actual roof i had to kick the front of the van and so we're not like a pipe we hit a pipe we didn't hit the the frame of the building no and we're all right it was just like a little dink on the roof and then we'll reverse back right yeah but my came out like who ran the place and he was laughing at us and he's like you won't get that in there but just out there literally just behind you just against the wall it's where we allow you to park your vans how would it take you what the reverse back and park because this is what's a first off driving a fucking automatic can eat my dick right

so i'm just trying to like do a parallel park into the wall as close to the wall as possible but because you've got no clutch and no clutch control you put it into reverse this is like a big heavy van and you're on a hill and you still have to press the accelerator at the reverse you see how that's fucking annoying you see that's annoying so i'm trying to do that i can see how it's annoying but i can't see how it is and then again i had somebody telling me to like straighten up but they didn't see this is like a lip of the wall coming out so i've got them while somebody else is fucking saying something else and you're saying

I'll date when I've had a drink right and I'm just trying to fucking park this van it did take a little while I'm going to be honest because you don't understand

the concept of reversing your mirrors no no I got it but it's it so I've got you saying fucking get out I'm going to date

when you're drunk I've got Alexander trying to back us in in like decent form of him but like I don't think he'd seen the lip that was coming out so I'm looking in the wing mirror again now I'm going to back into that lip and then I've got fucking so them but like I don't think you'd seen the lip that was coming out so I'm looking in the wing mirror

going now I'm going to back into that lip and then I've got fucking sopping like I don't know what he's doing Tasmanian Devil style somewhere so what you consider

to be my sense of humour Phil I was later on I went I said to the lads I'm going to go get the van and just bring it round and pick yous up and apparently

that was me spitting me dummy and being like shoes under their foot it wasn't funny when Matty was doing it but driving a fucking automatic which sucks anyway just bring it round and pick yous up and apparently that was me spitting me dummy and being like shoes on the other foot knew it wasn't funny when Matty was doing it but driving a fucking automatic

which sucks anyway 12 seater which I'm not used to driving big vehicles but other side of the road other side of the vehicle foreign country right that's like

I've got a lot to handle with these fucking six drunk cunts screaming different so if I can I'm just going to go and get this on me the simple task

of getting a van from a parking space and bringing it round is so simple but if I can, I'm just going to go and get this on me own. The simple task of getting a van from a parking space and bringing it round is so simple. But if I do anything with six drunk people around me, there's a mouth and a horn, I'm probably going to fuck it up. I'm probably going to make a mess of it. Because you're talking about that you would have an argument if that hadn't been my life for the previous seven days.

I was also the sober driver for the rest of the week, driving around while everyone was in the back. I'll never give you one. Nobody did? Yes, and the reason people weren't giving me instructions was because I was not about to crash the car every four seconds. Oh no, the instructions were like two different directions

you know, like people are shouting on. So when I'm already I'm already contestants with that. And that just continues in every single aspect of the journey like I would have been so much better just on my own

just I tell you what I'll just put my directions on my lap you just play cards in the back I would have been totally fine

but that was it's just that I'll just try to puppeteer the whole situation because you would have no no no you can't you can't pretend

that we were all I wouldn't have even tried to get in that cunt are you kidding me? That car park where you went, oh, spin in here, it may be big enough. I would have took one look at that and went, probably not that one.

Aye. Guarantee I would have. Aye. So you got way into that because you saw a fucking screaming guy in there. Yeah, yeah, right. But for the rest of the week, I also had that

and I was still able to make adult decisions by myself. Like, you can't say, oh, to make adult decisions by myself like you can't like you can't say oh I would have done it this because you didn't do that you said well I would have just parked someone else

why didn't you? I should have completely ignored you that's where I went wrong yeah exactly the whole time you were sitting there I'd be like stop it's giving me directions and we're all going

Natalie's beside you with a map on a phone and you're like I don't know who to listen to but she was struggling because she was like I'd started driving and she was like

oh Kai you're going to have to hotspot as your phone so I could do it so I didn't even fucking I didn't know who to listen to but she was struggling because she was like I'd started driving and she was like oh Kai you're going to have to hotspot your phone so I can do it so I didn't even fucking I didn't want to start hotspotting the phone while I'm driving

so I passed my phone to her and tell her how to do it so she's hotspotting it while he's telling us that so it was a fucking mess like

you can put it on me that I lost my sense of humour I just wanted an out of date with that crack like a shit crack but you've already twisted the story you can ask

anyone else's you were about to hit the wall a thousand times you were literally the reason people were yelling at

you while you were reversing was because you were three seconds away from crashing for up to seven minutes I was trying to

get as close to the wall as possible that was the point if I nearly hit it but didn't then perfect that's

what I try to do. I try to get close to the wall. Oh, I think you're lucky. You're lucky it's just me and you and this boy. This is like on the BBC where they go, we're going to have two balanced opinions. Here's a man from science talking about why abortion is sometimes necessary.

And here's his counterpart, a minister. It's not like that because this is what it's like, right? It's some things, and this happens a lot with me, with you guys, is everybody will be on one side of the fence and I'll be on the other one. And you expect because I'm outnumbered that means I'm wrong. It doesn't mean I'm wrong. It means that you're up against us at this point. The whole ball needs to cross the lane.

You need to get me on your side with some fucking decent argument. Because you're into that because you're trying to claim that you weren't about to hit the wall. That was the only reason you were being yelled at, was because you were constantly about to crash. Because for the same reason that I got at the front of the van to tell you... I could see the wall. I'm not surprised you were that fucking close to it. All I was bothered about was

the fact that you had to accelerate to get back. In fact, I'd have just lifted the brake and let it roll back. Right. That would have been decent, but it was the fact that I hit a leg. Because I've never driven this car, so I don't know what the biting point of the accelerator is or how fast it goes. So I'm, like, tentatively trying to do it.

It's like defusing a bomb. And people are like, ah, you're going to hit the wall. And I'm like, fuck, I'm trying to park next to the wall. Aye, but you were about to hit the wall. You were literally. But did I hit the wall? No, because people were yelling at you.

Had they not yelled at you, I guarantee you would have hit the and the same reason had I not kicked the front of the van you would have crashed it through that fucking pipe aye that was probably

going to happen aye aye aye and the reason I know and the reason I know you know you're wrong is for the same reason

you know I'm wrong sometimes is because you know what type of fucking because when we were sat there at the dinner table right I was making fun of you because you're a shy driver,

and your main rebuttal was, yeah, well, you're fucking shit at football. And I was like, fucking hell. Where did this come from? That's what this is about, right? The shit at football rebuttal was, if you seriously think I'm a shit driver, why are you screaming at us the fucking way

that you think you're going to make us better? If I'm watching you knitting, right, and say I'm fucking knitting this jumper for Natalie, and you take it on, if I approached how you were knitting with how you fit, because if you think I'm a bad at driving and I think you've got some catching up with knitting, right, I'm not going to start being a cunt with you. Sure, sure, I agree. But while I'm knitting, the thing that I'm about to do wrong, right, is that about to crash a van into a wall

is there any sense of urgency for you correcting my knitting no there isn't in the same way that there's no urgency to correct me playing football or playing these games there's an urgency needed

when you're about to crash a wall and since you're not listening to the instructions I was going how many times have I crashed into a wall in the last 10 years that you've known us? The answer's never. I can name you five. But I can name you...

No. What about when you fucking drove where the right wheels went up on the wall and the left wheels were still on the thing and then you popped off the wall and took the whole wheel arch out of the wall? Ah, yes, yes. So that was from a driveway in a fucking hill.

Yeah, sure. That wasn't driving a car. Okay, right. If we go look into this game how many times have you curbed it in the past year I can tell you

seven aye I've buzzed the tires a couple of times but I haven't caused any damage to curbs but what I'm saying is like

you were being yelled at because you were about to crash a car I guarantee if I just was popping into town right I would have just been like the same time

I've ever drove anywhere in the last fucking 15, right, I would have just been like the same time I've ever drove anywhere in the last fucking 15 years or whatever. I would have gotten there and back just fine. What does fucking cause an incident is six drunk people shouting on. You weren't that drunk. No, I just, you're fucking, you're putting on your wee victim. A drunk person trying to drive when you're trying to be the responsible one. Why, because you, no, no, no, no.

I don't know you weren't trying to drive, you're trying to be the responsible one? Well, because, no, no, no, no. I know you weren't trying to drive, you were trying to park. I was trying to park because me drunk is better at parking than you parking sober. Aye.

But, on a higher call, that like, it's not like, I'd bought it and paid for it, I had the insurance on it, I had like,

it was all, like you could have just got out and went to the pub. I did, I did, I eventually had to leave around the corner, I to go around the corner watching you drive watching you drive stretches me the fuck out because then I removed myself around the corner eventually Natalie came

around the corner and then what happened so I've been parked it no something reparked it because you told me I'd parked in the wrong space you had because I didn't know there was a wrong space that's that's information you should have been yelling. Oh, I've only bought parking for this particular space. Right. I don't understand how me saying you're about to crash in the wrong space would have been helpful. I thought you're about to crash was enough information. I didn't think the direction of where it was mattered that much.

So my point is the situation, the problem with the situation was you lot. It costed six against one because yous were wrong. No, because I'd been in that car. I'd been driving it all week. There was no complaints. Nobody ever yelled at me that I was about to crash. Similar fucking things. Ah, because I trusted you in gunning?

Aye, because I wasn't about to. Do you trust that's the problem? No, no, no. See, because surely by that argument, if the four other people involved would have been like, he's about to crash the car. But I wasn't about to trust that's the problem no no no see because surely by that argument if the four other people involved would have been like he's about to crash the car surely i wasn't gonna i was definitely just like leveling the car up and then somebody's shouting put the left hand down when that would like swing the front end into the wall and that's not what i would need to do so i'm trying to ignore the three left hand down while making sure alex doesn't back us onto the

bit where i shut it out i mean i don't know if this is good content, but... It wasn't good parking. It's definitely an argument with us. You've got to convince us. You can't just outnumber us. Yeah, but it wasn't... I'll never say being outnumbered is you've won the argument. I'll say it as like, oh, you just haven't articulated...

Are you in denial that you're the bad driver? Oh, no, I'm a fucking cautious driver. I'm safe. So are old people. But they're more dangerous. I wouldn't say I'm a dangerous driver. I'm just a bit tentative. Especially trying to figure out new controls.

I'm not just going to dive in and I'll fucking bluster. I made it up when I was fucking 21 like oh fucking just boost trying to get the gear I'd rather I'd rather just figure out

the controls you know read the manual before using the television kind of guy oh no don't ever become that but that's what I'm like when I'm driving

I'm like right I'm going to figure this out that's like those fucking you know those psychos right before they build Ikea furniture they read it all the way figure this out. That's like those fucking, you know those psychos, right, before they build IKEA furniture, they read it all the way through, and you go,

it's not a fucking test, man. Oh, yeah. Like, I know it's a test, but just have a little bit of faith in yourself. I think my dad used to do that. We'd read the instructions all the way through. Begin at the end first. Oh, yeah, and I guess it makes sense because it gives you a higher understanding of it, but it does make you a giant who deserves to be wedgied.

Aye. Like, it's just, you know, that's a little bit of my old school fucking chauvinism where I'm like, just be a man about it. And this is coming from someone who famously always has to bring a man round to the house. That's old school chauvinism as well. There's not a chance any of us would have talked like that to any of the lasses of the drove. Oh, 100%. That's a bit where you're laying. Oh, 100% would have. You would have spoken like that to any of the lasses if they drove 100% that's a bit where you're at 100% would have you would have

man I'm sorry but any one of them would have fucking cried if everyone started talking like that to the lasses if you if anyone's about to crash a car

regardless of the oh no no no the whole thing not just like oh watch the back because you can do that nicely as well you know what I mean like okay stop stop

I thought you were going to hit the wall. But if it's just in the cacophony of screaming, you put like, shout you're going to start at the wall, and then that's the one little tiny bit of the thing that you try to hang on to for dear life. Enjoy the artistry that he's painted in this story as he is the victim.

I was barely touching the wall. I wasn't that far away. I was trying to get close to the wall. If I nearly could hit the wall and missed, that's exactly what I was trying to get close to the wall. If I'd nearly hit the wall and missed, that's exactly what I was trying to do. Congratulations. All right. Well, look, I'm sure Matty's loved this bit of the podcast

and Natalie's loved this bit of the podcast and everyone else has loved this podcast because everyone obviously, you've done your standard thing. You've managed to twist the story that you're the victim and the hero in the whole thing. I'm not a victim at all. You're all idiots.

See, there we go. This is true. If Natalie was driving, right, in as strong a world as Natalie is, if you started screaming different directions and then getting there. She wouldn't have been yelled at because she's not as shite at you. Like it's a parallel universe. If she was in this position, she wouldn't have gotten into that position. I wasn't yelled at because I never got into a position where I needed to be yelled at by six people.

Natalie wouldn't have got yelled at by six people because she wouldn't have gotten herself into a position where six people thought she was shy to watch what she was doing. Well, that's true. There wouldn't have been a position where one of you was sat there reading out directions while the other one's screaming over the top to go a different way. Well, Natalie would just sit there and go, Kai, what's the instructions?

And then she would have just looked over there at the phone that you were holding up and followed those ones as opposed to the man 75 yards in the back of the van. He was making some valid points, because he was like why are you turning right it's up the coast we're on the course now yeah that's your fault for listening to him I was like why were like because Natalie had the map in her hand and she already chosen to engage that was the you've already your decision but you just go I'll go for the map cool I could go that way your logic

makes sense I'm following the map that's right there that's there as opposed to voice back there that's occasionally paying attention yeah and then the other voice that comes in just like oh just follow the map and blah blah blah

like what the fuck now does everyone get involved well two opinions two opinions and a general consensus to just follow the map and one person

going to the coast well all of the fun so that was the holiday the rest of it was just Pearl Harbor was fun wow was

you know what I can't understand with Pearl Harbor how far away Hawaii is from where they took off from did they come all the way from Japan to get to Pearl Harbor are you a flat earther no no no

right you know the earth's round right hold on hold on but it's still horizontal it's still horizontal there's still I don't know what your point is with this but it's a flight

from Japan to Hawaii it's still a seven hour flight whether the earth's flat or round unless they come from aircraft carrier right that's what I'm asking

so World War 2 did they have a Japanese aircraft carrier yeah we were in Pearl Harbor this whole story was there did you know they literally that was the whole museum Right, that's what I'm asking. So World War II, did they have a Japanese aircraft carrier? Yeah. We were in Port Harbour. This whole story was there. Did you know, Peter, literally, that was the whole museum.

That was super high. This is the equivalent to going to the Nile Levy Museum. And they're like, when did the planes hit the tower? And you're like, the museum just said. No, no, hold on. Oh, so they didn't fly in from Japan?

Right. I'm struggling to remember this because it was literally explained that there was there was Japanese people

people carrier just a wee run over castle Toyota Premier just wee people sorry it was an aircraft carrier

and a couple of Japanese subs and they managed to get sort of well there I can't remember fucking how

but that's where the planes took off from but it was a one way sort of trip trip because they knew it was a one-way trip because that's why they were going to do the kamikaze missions and uh they got there and there was the the uh u-boats i don't know if they were called submarines at that time they were caught by uh the american uh navy coming before they managed to get them to do more damage so it was only the planes that managed to do the the right so they didn't fly all the way from japan uh well they kind of yeah well not all the way but most it's just seven hours this is a load even with the aircraft carrier the flat earth reference doesn't make any sense yes it does right because imagine this is a map here right this is a map of the world we agree europe's in the middle of standard maps no no

hold on no we don't need to imagine Europe it's the distance between Hawaii and Japan yeah opposite ends of the map it's literally no no no just yeah

I'm not saying Ghan all the way run past us you fucking idiot I'm not saying Ghan over America and come run I'm not saying

Ghan run you can still take the quickest route from A to B which is Japan to Hawaii across the Pacific seven hours different Ghan

different Ghan back across fucking China and Russia and then Europe. And that's what you were suggesting. What's that fuck? I was saying, the seven hour flight

from Japan, because that's how far away it is from Japan. My whole point was going to be, you would have time to think about it. Seven hours. You know,

imagine, right, you're having a fucking like vat of rage with somebody like fucking that lived three hours away and you had to drive to get and fucking knock on the door and have it out with them and fucking put knock them out right like you'd camp down on the way where there'd be services like I'd be fucking buying a sandwich stop and have a sandwich and then fucking carry on and

then knock someone out well it's cos there's no where there'd be services in the sky is there they're just flying the whole way blub blub blub you'd get there and then just go look I drove up here and knocked you but I just fucking crashed I don't want to drive back oh that's why

they did it I'm fucking answering my own question I don't think it was her I'm not going back

I'm just going I already tacked that way away I didn't want to hit the thing there'll probably be some peer pressure do you know what it was fucking peer pressure imagine you go to someone's door with everyone else they'd already attacked that way would have been way I didn't want to hit the thing they're probably decent

peer pressure now do you know what it was fucking peer pressure you've got to do it imagine you go to someone's door with everyone else though you've got to do it then you've talked about

game over they're probably in each other's ears going I'm going to kill this many I'm going to kill this many they've got to do it the last one just pulled back up and then crashed

somewhere in the Pacific because it runs out of petrol gas whatever Pearl Harbor was decent And then crashes somewhere in the Pacific because it runs out of petrol. Gas, whatever. Pearl Harbor was decent. All right, we've done that and then we ziplined through Jurassic Park. But not really. But not really?

Well, there was only one scene that was filmed from Jurassic Park. The rest of it was actually on the other island. The bit with the logs at the head behind. Oh, right. But I didn't realise how many other destinations were filmed there, like 51st Dates

and all the other big classics I'll say it right out 51st Dates is a banging romcom I've not seen it

have you not nah I'm saving it I like looking forward to it here's the thing right Adam Sandler

we can all admit has made some not that brilliant movies right but some people just enjoy getting on the bashing Adam Sandler fucking wagon. Some of his movies are fucking good. Waterboy's great. Everyone likes fucking Waterboy.

Billy Madison, still fucking funny. It's got a very young Norm Macdonald in it, which is funny in its fucking self. What's the other one? Waterboy. Happy Gilmore, great. Are you talking about the old stuff? Would he put Tag in that in there? Adam Sandler.

Oh, no. I thought you were just like them type of movies. No, no. I'm just talking specifically Adam Sandler movies. Oh, right. So...

Because the special was fucking brilliant. Yeah, really good. Because didn't he like... Because he wasn't like grown-ups too and stuff like that. It started getting a bit like it was just a new movie coming out every two minutes

and it was very similar. Aye, but the reason out every two minutes not very similar I really enjoyed about Sam special so much is because when you see him doing stand-up again you realize that what made Adam Sandler famous and funny was that he's actually funny yeah he's just a fucking easily enjoyed doing fucking funny characters silly fucking voices that's we got into SNL which made us thing which was just him doing loads of fucking characters doing fucking bits dudes, silly fucking voices. That's how we got into SNL, which made us thing, which was just him doing loads of fucking characters, doing fucking bits, doing fucking silly voices, being very, very funny.

And then basically Hollywood goes, oi, do you want all of this money to make a fucking movie, right? And instead of doing what a lot of other people do, they go, aye, aye, I'll spend it on all this. He goes, I'm going to pay my mates a really good wage. I'm going to pay a fucking crew

a really good wage. And I'm just going to make a film based in Hawaii with my mates and their wives like that is how you do it and when you watch a stand up

you suddenly realise it's a man that has achieved everything but just wants to go back to old school being like I just want to make my friends laugh

and I just want to make people like me and I'm fucking like it's I want to be recent he's got to be June I think he's doing yeah yeah

so I think he's on tour at the moment thing I think he's doing yeah yeah so I think he's on tour at the moment doing for anyone that's not watched his special on

Netflix trust it yeah it's really good man if you've avoided it because you

think it's an Adam Sandler thing that's wrong go and watch it I understand

if it was you know fucking if Rob Schneider was to release a stand up special that's probably

not going to be great Rob Schneider was in it Rob Schneider is in Adam Sand-up special you'd be like that's probably not going to be great. Rob Schneider was in it? Rob Schneider is in Adam Sandler's He's in Adam Sandler's special as an astronaut. That's very good. We watched a funny programme

a funny film the night before last. Aye. Mr Wright. Mr Wright with Anna Kendrick and Sam Rockwell and Tim Roth. Sam Rockwell's fast

become one of your favourite actors. Aye. He is one of my favourite actors aye he is one of those ones where you just go anything you're in I'm now going to watch Joseph Gilligan as well who's in Brassic

Brassic and Preacher and was in season 3 of Misfits and he was he robbed Frescoes and Curly Watts caught him and that was his

unscreened debut at the age of 10 aye Coronation Street he's a really he's really really fucking good who would you say

your top top five actors are em shh them two at the minute Tom Hardy aye

em even though I haven't seen much of his other work I'm gonna have to go on with Cillian Murphy as well because I think

he's fucking belt as Thomas Shelby aye he was Scarecrow in Batman I saw him in Dunkirk as well

but he was very few line very mute who's your favourite actresses Bella Donna I've got one I've got one

she's going to be the fifth in my top five it was a list of actors oh yeah actors but the fifth in my top five. It was a list of actors too. Oh, yeah, okay, actors. But the fifth person is Jodie Comer. Oh, she's, yeah.

Jodie Comer's the fucking New Yorks man. I don't know. Sandra Oh as well then. Fucking both of them in Killing Eve. Yeah. So I'll go, right, so top five actors, Joe Gilgan. Yeah.

Sam Rockwell. Yeah, one of the same people. Tom Hardy. Yeah. Sandra Oh. yeah Sandra oh no Jodie Comer and Sandra Oh so you've took Kelly Murphy out for Sandra Oh I'm trying to think of who else I fucking really like oh Woody Harrelson's great I mean you could talk about your whole podcast about this couldn't you I could I but someone someone has two other white men I've no point in us doing it could do a whole podcast about this, couldn't you? I could, but someone has, two other white men I have, no point in us doing it again. Right.

Oh shit, this is going fast, this podcast, this must be all the arguing. I know, I bet they came, well, this is one of the many,

many things that, I think at this point, these cunts know it, but. That's how we argue? Yeah. We are so often. And it bothers people and that does me head in because I'm like, oh, you think we're all falling out? I yeah it's we all so often it bothers people

and that does me head in because I'm like oh you think we're falling out it's people see people see us because we get passionate we start to report we yell at each other

we swear at each other and we get like passionate and things and they think it's they're like oh my god I need to defuse this

you go nah you it wasn't awkward until you started thinking it was awkward now we look like dicks Natalie told us that she thinks I get wild eyes

when I'm drunk when I've had a drink and it's like because it's just on about moments where like I've disagreed with someone about something and I've been pretty

passionate about it or like somebody's accused of something and I go in and defend myself mode right so like I'll I'll always be passionate

again the way I've eyes isn't because I'm drunk it's because I'm like fucking standing up for myself while I'm being passionate. If I was arguing with someone with like cold,

dead, blank eyes, then I'm a fucking psychopath. Like, I just don't deadpan it. Are you trying to claim that there's no possible chance that you get a certain glint

in your eyes at certain moments to let us all know that we're going to be in trouble soon? Are you telling me that that's come from nothing? Is that what that means?

No, no, as much as I agree with you I fully agree with you like sometimes you know it's like my auntie Kim always says she goes you always think

your opinion's right and you go aye that's what a fucking opinion is do you have opinions that you don't think are right but to take Natalie's

for a brief bit there is sometimes you get fucking you know when you get drunk and you just go and I know the look because it's the look

you gave me when we were going on the fucking Matty's killing spree you get a fucking look in your eyes and it's like that fucking bit

in Lord of the Rings Two Towers looks like meat's back on the menu boys it's like you're like oh no I'm just fucking

ripping the tape off me gloves or me teeth me boxing gloves are coming off. Put them on like the goat in Jurassic Park. Just be fucking Lord. It's that way of looking in your eyes

where you know you've gone too far so you're doubling down. You're like, I'm already in trouble. I've said all the things. He can't storm off twice. We might as well alright

shall we do let's plug some fucking dates we're on tour Kai yeah we've just started the last leg of the tour

it's 50 fucking dates it's 50 dates so normally the tours that we've done in previous years OG fans

is a 50 day tour that we did in the autumn and that's how we're doing um now this 50-day tour is the last leg rather than the actual full thing and also we're going everywhere we're going so at the minute we're in bristol we've just done cardiff so that's how it starts with a few uk dates aberdeen and inverness and newcastle all in the mix um but then we'll go to Tokyo and Singapore and Hong Kong and Australia again and then over to Reykjavik and then do a bunch of

European dates like a week in Germany so it's like it's like every single section of the tour has been a section like a UK leg a European leg

a US leg but this leg is like a fucking end level boss where it's like you know everything that you've just done you're doing all of that to all

plus some extra stuff alright so I would recommend coming to season 2 because it's like you know everything that you've just done you're doing all of that all plus some extra stuff alright so I would recommend coming to season 2 because it's going to be the last tour for a fucking while yes

I reckon until this time next year right no next one's probably going to be 2020 because daddy needs to write a new show I mean I'll still be doing I'll still be doing shows

in America and in Australia and the UK and stuff but it won't be because I'm going and in Australia and the UK and stuff but it won't be because I'm going to write something for the Fringe I'm going to do a Fringe show

so if you're taking the autumn off I may try and tour that some smaller venues fuck I'm dead alright October 3rd which is tomorrow

or today whenever this comes out Dublin at Vicar Street almost sold out but not yet Bristol's Night sold out Colchester October 4th Aberdeen sold out thank you Aberdeen Street almost sold out but not yet Bristol's Night sold out

Colchester October the 4th Aberdeen sold out thank you Aberdeen Inverness sold out thank you Inverness October 10th Newcastle

we need to sell more tickets for Newcastle I know it's because we're coming back so we return venues it's our third time back it's our third time back in Newcastle

I just want to fucking all that money 11th of October Leicester 12th of October Lincoln that money 11th of October Leicester 12th of October Lincoln and then 15th of October Tokyo

which I fucking I'm properly I'm so interested to see what that gig is same as Hong Kong and same as Singapore and Moscow and Moscow

Moscow no no Moscow I'm not as happy as about because Moscow I know is definitely going to be local. It's going to be like the European tour. Aye. I'm looking forward to Russia

because it's going to be a fucking Russian crowd and even if I do badly there, I'm like, at least that's, at least I know. Whereas Japan, Hong Kong and Singapore, I'm hoping it's, obviously if there's expats there, please come to the fucking show, but I am hoping it's... Obviously, if there's expats there, please come to the fucking show. But I'm hoping for a local,

second language understanding audience because that's just... Those are the best. Well, I've watched when the UFC's on in Japan. Aye. The audience respectfully sit there watching it and there's no atmosphere. It's like a quiet viewing.

I think that's because... And then something happens and there's like a cricket applause. I hope they laugh. Aye, but that's because I think that's because and then something happens and there's like a like a cricket applause and like I hope they can I hope they laugh aye but that's but that's because they're watching martial arts

and to them it is like it's an art they're staring at an art like they're not like they're not like well please what we do is not art please don't stare

people in Tokyo what we do is not art it's just don't stare at a thing and it's art observing it no look they can't stare as hard as the Dutch

erm I found the the Dutch I think that's the reputation the Dutch have but I think they've generally

been better than the reputation no no no just because my fans are the best fans yeah that's it alright you're da

I need my phone for this oh you're going to go and phone them get them on the line oh there it is That's it. All right, your da. Oh, I need my phone for this. Oh, here we fucking go. Phone him. Get him on the line. Oh, there it is. It's right next to us.

Well, that's receipts. Your dad wipes his bum before having a poo. That's just to get rid of the old one. Your dad's got a fat arse and I love shagging it. Your dad planted some eggs in the back garden because he wanted to grow a chicken tree. Your dad drinks coffee through a straw

because I battered him. He doesn't know that he's coming or going with you. Your dad took a bottle up now when he went to the room with dolphins because he heard about the noses fuck you your dad said

pull my finger so you did and then he said no like this and then started making out with his finger when your dad

was looking after your baby cousin he took off her nappy and curled a huge shit out of it and then put it back on her. So that when your auntie got her back, she'd get quite the surprise. Very funny. Very funny prank, Dad. It's good on you. Your dad's front door has a glory hole in it. At least that's what he thinks it does. What he actually has is a very unprofessional postman. he thinks he does what he actually has

is a very unprofessional postman your dad invited a token black guy into his marriage just in the name of equality well done

well done Martin he just looked at his marriage and went it's all white people that's fair you know what your dad rewinds all the songs

he listens to and spots his foot high so the next listener doesn't have to your dad sneezed and his glass eye flew out listen to and spot his f***ing eyes so the next listener doesn't have to. Your dad sneezed in his glass eye, flew out and landed in his pint and then he

accidentally fished out an ice cube and put that in by mistake so what I'm trying to say is your dad puts ice in his pint. Your dad films himself masturbating but only

so that he can watch himself back to improve his technique. Cyber critical. Your dad puts lipstick on before kissing the kids goodnight. Your dad plays FIFA career mode with Sunderland while your mum's in bed. What a thought. That's a harshest one.

I once accidentally stuck your dad to the fridge with a magnet because I thought he was a child's drawing harshest one. I once accidentally stuck your dad in the fridge with a magnet because I thought he was a child's drawn of a dad. Your dad phones the Samaritans and tries to convince

them to kill themselves. Your dad licked his finger and drew small circles Around the rim of his butthole And made such a high pitched noise That it shattered all the windows In his greenhouse

Your dad tried to pattern An egg shaped chocolate treat That had a compartment inside That said things like You look fat today Sadly kinder suited Before kinder necks Could be launched

We've got 10 minutes left should we give them some bonus content what have you got I like your hair like Jeremy but that's not a good thing you rocked up with a pub

when was it night before last Thursday Tuesday Saturday what a shit game Sunday you turned up on Sunday and we had the exact same haircut night before last Thursday Tuesday Saturday what a shit game Sunday you turn up on Sunday

and we had the exact same haircut we started to a haircut it was like we both turned up first day of school well I think it's because what happens is you and I do the

look I don't want to get all hierarchical and get up my fucking high or whatever but if you're a man and you go to anything other than a Turkish barber what you mean something you've just picked up in the last six months

no no no no no I've always used the one down the road for the past that's been at least three years I've been using the Turkish barber because you used to always go and fancy a tan didn't you no I went to I went to there was an aquina place across the road it was also it was just two nice ladies who worked there but Turkish barbers are the way forward yeah because I actually started going to

prop my hairdressers for a bit like a fucking Tony and Guy thing because I remember just getting butchered one time I got like

I put a V in the back of my head like I was a 12 year old boy I was like I put some fucking stripes in my eyebrows as well you daft cunt I actually

got into my hairdressers and got in different hairdressers and got in sort of Natalie March is there and I'm

pointing at the back of my head he's come back with this so I started going to a hairdresser as well

I went to Vidasa soon I went one time when I was doing my BBC shitey thing all those years ago they made me go there to get my haircut and it cost like 70 quid.

And I was like, fucking, I genuinely don't notice the difference. And then I started going to another one where it was like 20 quid. And I was like, that's better, that's more manageable. And then I went to a Turkish barber who didn't say a fucking word to me. Nine puns. Didn't say a single word to me for fucking 20 minutes apart from calling me white boy, right? At one right one point was shaving the back of my head he got must have dropped or spilled something on it wiped the thing on my shirt moves your fucking

head right just grabs it spins it snaps it in fucking place I with his big fucking muscles and then it's dating me fingers that just give you a perfect way here go he's got he's got a water spray in a Jack Daniels bottle obviously he does he's got music playing in the bathroom and he will not

he's got fucking big massive big fucking barrel chest and terrifying but just dainty wee hands and just so good

at what he does and then it doesn't say a word to you and then it was about five minutes before the end

the first thing he said to me normally all hairdressers go and have a nice new year holiday he goes I'm going to Turkey in two weeks I was like he's like

I'm going to Turkey in two weeks I was like oh aye looking forward to it he's like away from this pish and that was the only words he said to me

only words he said to me by the way also did not ask what I wanted I went in you got in one haircut please

I have one haircut sir because to him I'm just another white boy and to be fair to him I'm just another

white boy so he's like I'm going to give you the white boy haircut and you know what he wasn't wrong

it's the haircut I always go for he nailed it I just got in don't cut a V in the back I guess it's a shame that women will

never experience the joy of a Turkish barber they can like if they want well do you reckon well I guess

they must be they could just go in just like free back the sides please alright well maybe

the Turkish barbers are really good because they're really good barbers at that shit so maybe they are good at the female haircuts

maybe it's just trust them. Maybe it's just, you know, trust them more. Maybe it's just... Nah, just choose to have long hair. And they also, fucking,

I'll tell you what, they always give you the offer. They always give you the offer. Turkish barbers are really good. You want to burn your nose hair off and you go, what? I get my eyebrows done

and all, you just fucking... Just set yourself on fire. Yeah, you put the comb on my eyebrows and then you can just fucking set yourself on fire yeah you put the comb on my eyebrows and then you can see all the like

stray hairs popping through and then just does them off and I'm like didn't even see that coming mate that was an option I've always said no

to the the firing away my nose hair because I reckon it smells like shit but I'm going to start getting it soon

I kind of I hate nose hair you know how people go you love it yeah I'll look up like the flame thing next year yeah I might get that done because you know how people go you love it I'll look up the flame thing next year yeah

I might get that done because you've got all these people body positive people saying oh I love your body he's like I get what you're saying

but I really hate my nose hair my nose hair fucking does me in it's just sticking out all the time it's like I can never get it either

you know there's like a head from your razor that gets right in doesn't do it it just comes with full of snot and I wipe it

wipe it wipe it on my client's t-shirt which is just a small wee whizzy thing that just makes

fucking boogie candy floss up there shite alright that's enough contact fun aye aye is that enough

oh fuck aye I've got to do soundcheck now