Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.35 The Getalong Gang

Episode Date: October 11, 2019

Muggins and Cream get along after receiving some complaints after arguing on the previous podcast, join the friends being friends as they discuss childhood television, sparkling water, diversity and each others dads. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road Muggins and cream, cream and muggins Straight thuggin', livin' the dream And that's our intro Fuckin' muggles Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha!

They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack Ah, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia

Where have you been since 9-11? You need to put this on the podcast. Right, water's already shit. And I say that from a naturally privileged position. As someone that's not dehydrated, I come from a country that has the best tap water in the world, Scotland. There's an abundance of water. But water is base level.

It's the minimum amount of drink. It's like just, it's so fucking basic right which is fine it's absolutely fine I'm not going to complain about air right

but see if they just made fucking fizzy air and people were like it's actually it's just nicer it's just more refreshing that's what rain is what?

that's what rain is no it's wet air no it's inverse though because it's the air is the thing in the water that you don't like so it's like the water is the thing in the air

rain is in for sparkling water fine rain's shit like sparkling water anyway

the thing is it's horrible to generalise people but people who like sparkling water are more inclined

to have sex with children that's just got to be dropped there's no research on that. I don't want to lead the jury, but I like sparkling water.

Well, it's just one of those things where every time somebody enjoys sparkling water, I'm just like, you don't actually like it. You've just bought into the illusion that it's nice, and you're too proud at this point to admit that it's not as good as water, which is already

not great water's just fine it's fine it's the bread of liquids I think water like it doesn't wash everything down

until it's carbonated somebody saved up all this money right just saved up all the money to get a fucking

soda stream and they put fucking water through it you don't get a soda stream anymore that's not for through it you don't get a soda stream anymore that's not

for you you've wasted this did you buy an HDTV to go and fucking see facts

did you but you know if you buy a greasy meal like fish and chips or a kebab but you don't

want to be a fat cunt and get a coke alright get water does he want nah

nah nah nah nah it doesn't it just slides past the grease in your mouth

it's just it's just not good I love that they didn't even catch on that you are already a fat cunt just get a coke

it's not it's not it's not for health reasons it's just not good why have you made something that's flavourless and shite wait hold on

do a reaction video if you're having some spartan water I can't man on video because it doesn't make you sick it's not like no but it's just it's just not good do a reaction video if you're having some spot on I can't man video sound Sean Walsh actually because it doesn't make you sick it's not like

no but it's just it's just not good it's not like I'm offering you like your fucking lactose intolerant I'm offering you milk or I'm offering you something else it's just something that's shite it's just

it'd be like it'd be like give me fucking bread with you know fucking popping candy being like eh that's fucking awesome no it's not

and you know it'd be shite but like obviously a sweetened bread like in a kind of cake just doesn't belong in there why are you putting it in water you know how you get

scones that's kind of sweet bread isn't it is it scones sweet bread instead of raisins pop and candy paint and that

we're not going to be able to put this podcast in now I'm going to have to edit that out they're going to steal it I just it's sparkling water it I just

Sparkly water is just this fucking thing which is because the sparkling water you go just have water What is fine what there was nothing wrong with water? Everyone likes water because they have to because if they don't like water they're dead. That's how that works, right? What why did you just why have you made the basis the most basic thing? Shitter so what else would you have it would So would you say with sparkling water, like when does sparkling become okay for you? Because like Fanta,

you drink Fanta. You drink Fanta, like iron brew, so like at one point. Yeah, because that's got flavour. Because you've already, sparkling with flavour, but sparkling without flavour.

No, no, no, no, because at this point we get on to fucking seltzers and it's like, you know, because there's absolutely a difference between tonic and soda. Like, you know there's absolutely a difference between tonic and

soda like you know if you get vodka soda you get vodka tonic I prefer tonic to soda so to me if you were to

actually put fizzy water into like orange juice and stuff it would just be like the fucking it would be like a really really

it's like it'd be a much shitter version of it like fat is delicious if you say I can have a fucking soda they go oh we

don't have soda but we've got sparkling water yuck I'll have ten pints of Guinness then flat

it is flat for soda it's sparkling for water it's flat for soda it's the lowest it's the

it's somehow the lowest form of fizzy juice and also the lowest form of fizzy juice and also the lowest form of water when water

already exists so why is there a market for it because fucking posh toff Tory wanks lied to the

public and people like you perpetuate this lie I sometimes get it when the cards go by I go on

and I squabble in water please it's just like slapping yourself during the day like yeah sure it might wake you up but why are you doing it to yourself? I'll just swallow water, please. It's just like slapping yourself during the day. You're like, yeah, I'm sure it might wake you up, but why are you doing that to yourself?

There's no way. I refuse to believe that you prefer sparkling water to actual water. I just feel like you've got like, you're a bit like a child where all you want is like sweets. Oh, I'll drink water. But it's like, you know, when you have an olive. Like, it's like you have an olive and I'd prefer

to have a grape but you can just enjoy both of those things as independent things just because but they're both different and they taste different sparkling water

doesn't taste any different to what it's just like and here's a sensation you go it's not why I drank water I didn't drink water for a sensation

if I wanted fizzy something in my mouth I'd be like right I'm going to have an iron brewer or a coke or I'm thirsty and I want water you've combined two things that never belong together you drink fizzy stuff because you've

got sweet tooth and you want the experience of something fizzy you drink water because you're thirsty and it quenches your thirst you've put them together and you've fucked it up it's I suppose someone said it tastes like tv static it tastes like TV static. Aye. You know, the TV static. It tastes like dead arm. It tastes like when you bang your funny bone. It's like my tongue banging this fucking funny bone. It's just, it's not one of those.

Oh, they're muggles, people like to, why is it called a funny bone? It's not funny, it's not funny when you hit it. Oh, my.

They're proto-muggles. I'm sorry, we've got a couple of complaints now. No, not complaints, just people that said that the last podcast were just arguing

and talking over each other alright and so I'm just going to be nasty on this one it's a get along gang podcast did you watch the get along

gang no with Ryan Oki oh no it wasn't it was Montgomery Moose see we don't argue this is the fucking content you get

aye spot on water that's fucking spot on big topic um what come no rhinoceros sorry

did you watch a cartoon where it was called the wuzzles it had rhinoceros because it was like a rhino and a monkey can you smell burning toast

what are you having a stroke no no no what's the show called it's called the wuzzles it's fucking not what are you talking about it's a cartoon

right and it's called the wuzzles wuzzles and what channel was this on um it's called The Wuzzles. Wuzzles. And what channel was this on? It's got to be on one of the four because I didn't have no sky. Right. So it was on one of the premium channels. It was called The Wuzzles.

It was a cartoon. I feel like I'm fucking actually making up something. Yeah. I swear to God because there was Rhinoky, which was a rhino and a monkey. Rhinoky? Rhinoky. Right. There was B Rhinocchi which was a rhino and a monkey Rhinocchi Rhinocchi right there was Bumblelion who was a

did you just get a knock off version of Pokemon are you just no no no there was like a combination of two animals

there was Hippopotagoo and what was that combination of I swear to God I'm not even going to Google it I'm just going to And what was that a combination of? Oh, fuck, I swear to God, I'm not even going to Google it. I'm just going to live in a world where that exists. Fuck you.

I swear. Because the get-along guy was a fucking wall-mine in Montgomery Moose. I'm sorry. Walmart. No, Montgomery Moose is what I wanted. Aye, he was the main guy. And his name was Montgomery Moose. Was he a moose?

And what? Full moose, full moose. Both of his parents were moose. Double moose. Both of his parents were... Pedigree. The plural of moose, by the way, is mace. Maces.

Right. Montgomery Moose had two Moose parents And in this world Of abominations No no no The normal one No this is a different show Oh right

Okay sorry That was a competitor That was the number one competitor I just want to know more About this TV show That you've made up Off the top of your head Right

Should I google it right now? No, absolutely not. Should I Google it? No. It wasn't characters. And see what combinations of animals there are. So, but what was the... I want you to explain it first and then we'll Google whether it's real, which it's not.

Bumble Lion was like a bee and a lion. Right. So it was a lion that could fly and stung you and then died? Aye. Right. Aye. It was on one episode. But what did this flying bee lion do?

I can't remember. I can barely remember if it exists or not. That's if you made it up. What if I made it up? I'm fucking... I can't put this podcast down. You can't, Clem. This is going to be funny.

Right. Your concept for a TV show is you get animals that under no circumstance should ever fuck. And somehow, you've not created a lion and a tiger and you've got a lion here. I swear I watched it as a kid. Right.

I didn't have any of the merch. I definitely had merch from the Get Along Gang. Well, there was the rhino monkey. The rhino monkey, right. So it was a rhino that swung from tree to tree and then charged through people. I'm sure he had a colourful like nose horn as well. That was like neither a rhino or monkey.

And what else? So we've got a rhino and a monkey and again, horrible combination. Just really, really awful combination. The kids are watching it. A giraffe, a shark.

Just some fucking horrible abomination shark with a horrible neck that comes out to eat leaves off of trees or tree climbers or monkeys. Rhino monkeys. Rhino monkeys.

Do they live on the plains? Do you get spider monkeys in real life? What do you think spider monkeys are? What do you think they are? I know what they are. They're sling webs. Right. They got bit by a radioactive monkey That's how Spiderman happened

That's how Spiderman happened Because the man bit the spider What did you watch as a kid? Because I'll probably remember All the stuff you watched as a kid But I'll remember like Feeling like I was too grown up for it And just ignoring it I remember feeling like I was too grown up for it and just ignoring it

I remember the magic roundabout that transcends gender I can't remember what Dave Benson Phillips was on I just know

I loved them that was the gun show that was the that was the playbush wasn't it the playbush that's the cunt and he would go

to the Y bird stop and he would be like why is the rhino and the monkey having sex what are those stops brother

can anyone remember the Y bird stop but that's the only one I remember I remember I've got a lot

more memories of stupid childhood things because Josie did a bit of simple stuff she watched so much shite

Rosie and Jim do you remember Rosie and Jim these are all from my childhood

unless I remember these from my childhood, unless I was watching them in my teens. Which doesn't bode well. It doesn't bode well that my disabled eight-year-old sister also understood them at the same level that you did. Even though I'm nine years older than her. Way older than her now. What do you mean she didn't stop aging? That's her technicality. What technicality? She's dead. So, it's mostly because my sister was similar age to you.

That was like Teletubbies 4. She was watching it. I was too old for Teletubbies. I was too old for Teletubbies. I never went to Teletubbies. Aye. What about Macapacka and that? Did you watch that show? I fucking swayed to God's man was that the night garden

was that you was that your generation the night garden oh and the night garden no no no that's because when I was teaching swimming

that's what the kids that I taught swimming would watch so like we're not that much of an age gap that I would have taught you how to swim

oh like this is the worst episode in the world we're getting along no na na I'm food for American listeners are they

they're learning! Aye. But it's like, when was the... me and Pinky played a game, eh, which... Oh, maybe if I could start with you, actually, I can't remember. What fucking tune jingles can you remember from, eh, adverts from years ago? For example, BNBN. Do, do, do, do, do. BNBN.

Right. It was the BNBiscuit ones. Okay. What was it? Green Giant. Green Giant, it was the BN basically once okay it was Green Giant Green Giant I

that was a sweet call there was fucking I remember quack quack oops

off a radio game show where if you got the answer wrong it went quack quack

oops I remember the entire life of kicking phone number 0181811 8181

well now their phone's ringing off the tits now fucking now their fucking now their pineapples are ringing that was what it was a bunch of customers

phoning up being like I don't like it when they argue it would always be a weird phone wouldn't it like the answer a shoe

or answer a pineapple or something like that that was like the fucking live and kicking phone was just an obscure item do you remember the yop advert yop milkshake where all their mouths go big and weird give me yop pineapple or something like that. There was, that was like the fucking live and kicking phone was just an obscure item. Do you remember the,

the Yop advert, Yop milkshake, where all their mouths go big and weird? Give me Yop. Oh yeah. It was like a Snapchat. Yop,

me mama, Yop, full way, na mani, come. It was like a Snapchat filter, wasn't it? There was that,

eh, almost racist advert, the, on Bongo, the drink in the Congo, that got cancelled real quick. Aye. Because that was,

not good. That was like a real tongue twister wasn't it I don't know and I'm not going to risk saying it because cancelled do you reckon

we'll get cancelled I reckon I'll get cancelled in January that's my theory no you reckon you'll get complained about well yeah that is what

cancelling is no because like cancelling is if you've got some fucking skeleton in the closet right like fucking you've got some fucking skeleton in the closet, right?

Like fucking, you've molested someone, something like that. You're going to get cancelled for that, right? You can't get cancelled for the opinions you've had on a podcast. No, but I've said, no, no, no, but it's not necessarily. So you're saying it's a text something out of context that you're saying. Out of context, we've said some fucking horrible things on this podcast. Even in context, we've said some horrible things on this podcast. Just under the thing that we're allowed to make mistakes.

The thing is, it's the thing is it's not about it's not about all it takes is one person intensely to take something out of fucking context and then also there's all

the horrible things I've said in private conversation that could just be I would screen what's our conversation away from being fucking disliked

by a lot of people because they'll not see the context of the joke or they'll not see that I was saying the thing because it's the worst possible thing to say

and you're in good company. Because that's the game. And you're in good company. You're in company of people who, like, know that you're saying the horrendous thing solely because it's horrendous. Right. There's probably people that would be like,

oh, that guy's a dick. When I'm like, oh, that's not how it was meant to be received. You weren't meant to receive that at all you're not meant to know how much of a dick I am so there would be a bit of that but like the

whole cancelling thing I think you need to have like the fucking just this guilt of that you've done something looming over you that that's kind of funny and we're free of that

so it doesn't matter when your special comes out and you get more and you get more famous. People could scroll through the tweets and you've probably

fucking done some fat shaming or something like that where people are just going, ah, that's a bit shitty. But like, I've also probably said

some fucking, like I was an angry kid, I've said some, I continue to say stuff that could fucking ruffle feathers, but like, I'm not about to

fucking step on the one show you know what I mean I'd be on the one show for fucking one day and I'd be kicked off because I'd snorted a lane of cocaine

off a tortoise it's like who gives a fuck I'm not trying to be that guy the minute you get on a reality TV show

you'll get out of this fucking stuff you'll drag up and then they'll knock you off that all it'll do is knock you off that platform yeah because you pitch yourself as family friendly

and then everyone wants to check if you're family friendly I've never claimed to be family friendly nah like fucking like nothing Doug Stanhope has ever said is going to knock him off his platform

you know what I mean he's probably said some fucking really out of order stuff because his platform is being that guy so just be true to your identity well I guess it depends because I take your point

but I think fucking obviously when X comes out with him what have you done how old you have but I mean in the sense of what

my fear with X is that it's going to come out and it's the thing I said at the end of the show which is specifically it's not meant to

I don't mean the show to be a fucking lecture to men it's not meant to be about me being a smug man telling you I'm better it's the complete I say at the end of the show, which is specifically, it's not meant to, I don't mean the show to be a fucking lecture to men. It's not meant to be about me being a smug man telling you I'm better than you. It's the complete and polar fucking opposite of that. That being said, you kind of take, you kind of control how people take it.

Some people out there are going to watch it and they're just going to see a bleeding heart left-wing liberal on stage lecturing men. That is how they're going to take it. Just stay with your fucking mentions. You're going to get a bunch of incels that are fucking,

you know, I think there's a bit about the male pill, about the men quitting the trials on the male pill, and somebody emailed us via my website, like fucking telling us how I was discrediting men and the actual side effects of it and stuff like that, and hadn't done enough research. He pulled me joke to fucking bits to the point where I was like, it wouldn't be funny if I took that

out of consideration and I keep telling the joke and he's probably right and I'm just like ah you know what like fucking I'm not a politician I'm

fuck I'm a clown like laugh at me joke take it how you want and do me a fuck I'm not trying to change the world I do get fucked there's one thing

that's fucking doom I'm not in it about I think here's a muggle corner but it's a comedian muggle corner

right any fucking comic in the fucking world who says you can't

say anything anymore while saying whatever the fuck they want to say whatever they want

anyone that talks about cancel culture be like oh wait till they get a fucking grow up man first of all

very few people have actually legitimately been fucking cancelled you can say anything you want anywhere you fucking want and there's no consequences

except for if you go on Twitter some people yell at you that's it that's it you these cunts that are fucking

cashing in you know I can't say anything anymore come to my show I'll say whatever the fuck I want to say you were doing that anyway you were doing that anyway you were doing that anyway

and by the way when you got cancelled you got free fucking publicity it's the best thing that can fucking happen to you so then that thing there you can't say anything anymore

you fucking you have all you can't you can say fucking anything but also people can deal you repercussions for what you say

people can respond to what you say so you're actually suppressing their free speech of telling you you're a fucking arsehole when you've been an arsehole. And you're going,

what? I can't just say that without you responding. You're the person that's fucking... Why are there consequences to the words I said? That's fucking horrible.

Don't get me wrong. I've got free speech but you haven't got the free speech to tell me about it. People, in the sense that... You can only get cancelled

because of your cock. Aye. You can only get cancelled because of your cock. Aye. You can't get cancelled for your fucking words. You can get, you can, people can think you're shit for your words. People can just go, I'm not going to bother with that person anymore. Yeah, and you can double down on it. You can go, I'm going to be the person that still says these things. And I'm like, cool, enjoy the audience you get.

Like, if you're going to fucking, like, when you've said some fucking shitty things, you're like, well, you know. Oh, aye, fucking N-word. Aye. That's like a Kramer. Aye. Yeah, he could have been a eunuch and he would have been cancelled for what he was saying.

So there is, I guess there is a limit to the things he's saying, but fucking. Aye, but yeah, but, I mean, he did. Because that was like, it wasn't even contextually,

it wasn't even like he was using. It wasn't out of context. that was like it wasn't even contextually it wasn't even like he was using it wasn't like Goddex he was just it was like he was it was just not I think it's a bit racist

to be honest with you it was smidge it was but you know what he's probably he's probably got a few fucking

of the wrong fans because of it so like he just Ali Dunn has fucking retuned his audience to an audience he didn't want

I also think don't get me wrong because fucking Roy Chubby his audience to an audience he didn't want I also think don't get me wrong because fucking Roy Chubby Brown will always have an audience it's not like you're going oh Roy Chubby Brown

is cancelled I'll be senior and Benidorm's cancelled he's fucking playing out to a sellout crowd of fucking bigots you just

you just kind of fucked it what you're going to actually come back about is you can no longer make jokes to the comedy club audiences because

the audience you want the people that you want to find you funny and find you happy and like your opinions. Just didn't mean to ask. Don't be a cunt for both of us due to that, don't it? Also, and I fully defend any fucking comedians trying to say anything and sort of jokes, but there's some people who can fucking joke about anything you want, and you can also claim that they're just jokes, but let's not pretend for a fucking second that none of us know the impact of words. Like, it's all fair.

I fully agree with the defense. If I say this is a joke and I meant it as a joke, you don't get to tell me I meant it as a fucking serious thing. But enough people complain about that fucking joke where they're going, hey, we, not necessarily, we took it seriously. But sometimes when you're joking about things, you do tend to normalize things and you don't get to choose how your audience takes it. For example, the reason I would never say faggot on stage is because I would never under any circumstance want anyone to think

that I condone using that word because they would sort of, they would see me saying that word or hear me saying that word and they go, well, Daniel said it, it must be okay to say it. It's absolutely not okay to say it.

That being said, I would be an absolute fucking liar if I said to you that I haven't used that word in the past two weeks towards a gay friend of mine yeah but you just don't use it. But even then maybe you should not just to get out the habit. I probably but I definitely will. It's still a bad habit it's like em there's a there's a lad in Blythe who is an Indian lad who works works in the local shop and he calls himself

Patrick Pete. He calls himself that. Right? And he encourages it. But it probably still shouldn't because nobody else like, could tone that.

So like, I get his point of view. He's just like, look, I'm like one of the only Indian people in a small white community. I'm just going to embrace that

wherever there's my armour. And I get that he's done that, but it's probably not. All right. Don't get into the fucking habit. I'm just going to embrace that wherever there's me arm at and I get I get that he's done that but it's probably not alright don't get into the fucking habit

it's probably not encouraged that like I would go on and continue to call him that aye aye mind you

you did grow up in fucking Blackfield it doesn't surprise me it is so weird actually growing up in a absolutely like

0.01% of diversity. Like I grew up where I barely knew any, like I said, one or two Indians who I knew in Blythe, right? Zero black people, zero homosexuals that outed anyway. Now it's a lot more, a lot more people are opening Blythe. How do you know they're wearing any clothes black people you just know you just know you know what I mean

they've got rhythm they're twice as good at dancing so I didn't know any vegetarians until my 20s right so I didn't know any vegetarians until my 20s right first of all that's not

like historically that's not the people that have suffered it doesn't go it doesn't go black people gay people vegetarians but I'm just talking about

diversity as far as diversity goes age age is the only thing that's diverse in Blythe right and I'm talking including haircuts

when I was growing up there was fucking zero diversity so like it was same in Scotland well not Scotland yeah five as well well yeah Scotland man

like I grew up in five I was in the east where it's primary school all white and then I'm pretty sure at high school as well predominantly white but I don't this is fucking this could be an interesting conversation but from that perspective like growing up in this white area my version of and it's not racism because it wasn't hate based and it was just like I absolutely

my prejudice was black people are cool that was because there was just the only time I ever saw was on television was on American

fucking TV shows where especially back in the 90s they always played the fucking the cool ones and fucking rap obviously got into

all that and the fucking teenagers and stuff that was the only sort of black culture so I remember the first time I properly met the first time I had a black friend

for the first two weeks of it I was just like this is this is very cool I'm being cool I'm being cool around them and then you suddenly go oh no that's still not

that's still not right I'm still treating I'm still 100% treating this person different based on the colour of their skin despite the fact that on my head

I'm like no no it's positive discrimination. And he was probably like, no, but it's the second half of that I don't like. It doesn't matter how positive or negative it is. But you still react differently with someone if they've got a different, like a specific background or like history. Like for instance, if Matty,

Matty's got a Geordie accent and his dad's got a Cockney accent like like he's different you know what I mean he's got a Cockney accent he's got a different

background like he's not Geordie Matty's dad sounds like a chimney sweep yeah that's he does he was so on me who's sweeping

my chimney sweep he was actually on my roof it's Matty who's that my mum and dad are in Matty broke up

with your mum and dad they got they got they got the house honestly they played him but I like so when he come to Newcastle people are going to

respond differently to him because he's got a different different accent a different accent a different background a different story so maybe he's just differently around people that are different when, a different story. So maybe they act just differently around people that are different when you come from a place where everyone's

the same. Because I think you're just like, you're different and I don't want to pretend. I don't want it to be obvious that you're so different that I'm like, okay, you're very different. It's more like putting on your own mask to sort of deal with it. it's more like putting on your own mask to sort of deal with it in Blive like you were saying

there's no there's no prejudice like I feel like there's everybody's like intelligent enough to be sound

right but there is in the diction like an addiction in Blive in the diction the diction the words

I've heard it a couple of times I was in Blive for three days and I heard people ordering Chinese food in Canada with chinkies and I'm like that's not hate-fueled you're fucking lovely to the Chinese people who are bringing you that food but you're just saying that and you've got no idea that you're doing anything wrong and I just feel like there's

no hate involved in it at all it's probably the only way people that'll get prickly but it's still there but the reason I think the reason it shits because even though it's not hate it's still normalisation and just because for certain people it's not hate filled you normalise it in front of people who are hate filled and then they use the words

and the fucking I think the whole rule is if people come up to you and go, hey, we don't like you using that word, you should be like,

well, why not? You just go, all right, I'm not going to. Sorry, mate. Like,

if one of your friends came up to you and was like, hey, I really, really hate, if I came up to you and I was like,

I really fucking hate when you call me Danny, like, I just don't, you'd be like, oh, why are you being so fucking, you'd be like,

all right, mate, I just won't call you Danny anymore, what do you want me to call you? I mean, that's also a thing, like you kind of choose your nickname. But they're not asking. Could you call me Billy Boom Boom, please?

You kind of pick your own nickname. If people want to call you Danny, you just got to get called Danny. You kind of correct them. Because if you do correct them, if they just start calling you, they think less of if for being that precious mmm but if they're good me it they'll call you it more just to piss

you I just to wind you up and but the to validate the point that you were making is like I would forget like I get annoyed if people cars of Macam hmm yeah thank you because that's the whole thing when people say, when people say packets, usually to an Indian person. Aye, they get it up. You know?

So like, you're calling them their neighbour who they tend not to get along with. It's like that. They'll call any brown person that works.

And that, they just go, you're all from Pakistan. They're like, whoa, hey. No, there's like, you've just savaged about 50 different

cultures into one day and I just decided that we're all the same mind you I guess we do

the same with fucking Southeast Asia and fucking Asia in general that's why I've got no idea what to

expect in Japan and Hong Kong wind why wind I would I don't know how that if they kind of

play rugby kind of fly right surely rugby players are hard enough to not calve off because of the wind unless it's really severe know how that's if they can't play rugby can't fly right surely rugby players are hard enough to not calve off

because of the wind unless it's really severe they're not going to be like it's a bit

drafty the typhoon is in Japan it's going to get there on Friday I think it's

gone by Sunday hopefully that's the tail end of it and then I don't know surely it'll get there is it a religion

or is it just idiots in America that think storms are caused by gay people? Oh, it's religious. It's religious. Is that like extreme Christianity, think that storms are gay people because they're going to put two and two together and beat the rugby?

It's, all right, that's Christians. They're pissing on each other in the shower and that. The evangelical ones are there, even then, they're alling each other in the shower and that the evangelical ones are there even then they're all just so weird oh so just what kind of

imagine that was true such a weird reality to live in to be in their head just go can't they believe that do they actually think that's what happens

do they actually think it are they just being like no no it's what they think they think to them gay is an abomination

so what it is is like God is punishing the world by putting the storms on. Because you know what God's like? He's like, I know... God knows everything. God knows everyone.

So he knows who's doing the sin. But much like a fucking teacher in primary school, he's going to punish everyone. Yes. For no reason. Yeah, the whole class stays back. All right, there's your benevolent God

that you always fucking talk about. He loves us all equally but he's going to destroy us all for the sins of one do those heterosexual people

think that heterosexual Christians who think gay is a sin do they think the gay people are just like choosing just choosing

to have sex with a man even though everybody's straight everybody's born straight the thing is that they've strayed on straight i think it's that they've strayed so far from god or that they're tools of saying because like obviously gays make uh good music and make good clubs and uh it's sort of like and you know all the gay icons they're you know they're good music they sort of they're spreading it that's the

gay propaganda the kids are listening to so that it's being normal that's what they think I think they think gays are tools of Satan it's so shitty in which case Satan's got fucking

it's so shitty that gay people have to contest with that with that breed of fucking pawn life it's so shitty something that they do

in their own privacy Jesus Christ something that they they're fucking can you not imagine how fucking awful it would be especially like

let's not forget let's not forget for a second homosexual gay marriage was only fucking legalised in the UK in 2014 it's fucking recent as shit so let's not pretend

it's just America but even then what would happen before that can you imagine you as a human being you're a gay person you love your fucking

partner with all of your heart and you've got to go on television to talk about why you think you should person, you love your fucking partner with all of your heart, right, and you've got to go on television, right, to talk about why you think you should be allowed to marry your partner, and the person that you're meant to debate against is a man who believes in wizards! And you're like, it's like, even the debates

are mockery! Like, why on earth is this person's opinion anywhere near the validity of mine? Has there ever been any homophobic bashing? Have we ever beaten up homophobes? Has there ever been any homophobic bashing? Have we ever beaten up homophobes? Has there ever been, like, kind of lynch mobby style homophobic bashing

in the same way, like, fucking... Well, yeah, that's what... Well, that's what... ...gay people... Can there just be, like, a fucking... like, a vigilante alternative group that makes homophobic people scared? Well, I think, in a sense, that's kind of what cancel culture is. They'll find out that you said something homophobic people scared well I think in a sense

that's kind of what cancel culture is they'll find out that you said something homophobic ten years ago and punish you for it now but it's not the lynch mob

instead of being a physical lynch mob and beating them up it's you know it's just you're being socially hung which is absolutely nowhere near as bad

as actual gay bashing actually I've done it myself isn't there like somebody was homophobic to me thinking I was gay and was homophobic to us

and I just knocked them clean out. I barred them. Because, like, tell that story in the pub, mate. I don't know if it ever has. In the same way that there's never been there's never been anti-racist lynching. There's never been, you know,

and I think that just proves that those people are more filled with hate. When you get the far fucking right people who go, the far left are as bad as the far right, you go, yeah, absolutely, the fact that they're as mental, but let's not pretend for a second that the far right isn't infinitely more violent

than the far left. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like liberal people will have hate for those people, homophobic and racist people, but liberal people also have hate for those people homophobic and racist people but liberal people also

don't think violence is the answer well that's honest this is Alec true

Antifa's out there barring cunts left right and centre where do

you stand on that I think it's hard kangaroo courting shit and taking

it in their own hands as much as I'm like I just you look at some of the people in there you go

this is not the way to get anything fucking done like it's harms the cause you just make fucking the Extinction Rebellion

right I'm fully what is that explain that the Extinction Rebellion so that's the Extinction I thought you said

Extinction no sorry the Extinction Rebellion that's going on in fucking London which is a cause that I fully believe in in the sense

that global warming is something that needs to be taken seriously. It's where all the future's all fucked. And one important thing to note is, I just wanted to say this, when people and cunts like fucking Piers Morgan come up with the following argument, this is how you know that they are bought and paid for

by a fucking company. Anyone that peddles the argument that Harry and Meghan or any other activists about climate change, whenever they get private jets to places or their own cars,

whatever, whenever you see anyone go and look at these fucking hypocrites flying to this place on a private jet and then talking about global warming,

every single one of those people is bought and paid for by the newspapers because 75%, well, not 75%, but most of the global warming issues

come from three fucking companies and that's it it comes from the three fucking companies and those companies are paying for these fucking media people

to come in and take the blame off them and be like look at the hypocrisy of this how did even if every

single fucking one of us if every single one of us didn't drive a car for the next fucking two years it would not make

a fucking difference if these big three companies didn't do shit taking a plane somewhere and I got the fucking the energy free raft over

just to fucking keep that off her back you know so she could like whatever PR people are around are pushing this campaign I know she's

pretty much she's got her own ideas but she's pretty much a spokesperson for the campaign which people are fucking hating the idea campaign. I know she's pretty much, she's got her own ideas, but she's pretty much a spokesperson for the campaign, which people are fucking hating the idea of, but why the fuck not? That's what a prime minister is. Right?

So she's the voice of this and she's going across on that board so that she's not getting this backlash off these fucking idiots. But if she did fly at her, right, it's a tiny, tiny shuffle backwards to get a million steps forwards. Right. So so but just whenever

you see Piers Morgan I swear to god Piers Morgan whenever he fucking says something like he knows what he's doing he like these people

they know that global warming is fucking dangerous and they just don't care because they've got because they're psychopaths and it doesn't affect their lifetime

it doesn't affect their fucking lifetime matter of fact if those anyway sorry the extinction rebellion thing I don't know if you saw

like the protests are going out there like we need to pay fucking attention to this fucking it's just stinky

cunts that write poetry a lot of the time like you know when you just look at your teammates and you go

oh shit there's all these cunts and fucking stilts doing fucking what's the fucking dancing that

means shit oh like interpretive dance oh fucking these stinky poetry writing cunts aye

fucking white cunts with dreadlocks and the way they're like you're trying to raise awareness of like we're all fucking sick

just do it in numbers when you're on fucking television right fucking shoving quinoa down your fucking gullet right and talking

you're making me look like a dick don't don't you don't put on a fucking costume and a strip and be like we're all this is what a dick. Don't, don't you, don't put on a fucking costume and a strip and be like, we're all, this is what we stand for. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I take showers, right? You do look, you do look like a squadron going, oh man, we're not well equipped. Prisoners against the gods. I imagine, you know, it's, it's fucking centre right people just looking at fucking Katie Hopkins just going, stop know, it's fucking centre-right people just looking at fucking Katie Hopkins just going, ah, stop it. Stop it.

My centre-right beliefs are actually more to do with the economy more than anything else, more than immigration. But could you stop making all my right-wing policies? Honestly, if we could just shave off the fucking extremes of each side, we could probably be the long gang. Nah, it's the Murdoch's man. You'd be the long gang nah it's the Murdoch's man it's a bit high but it's about

the extreme cell and that and you create the fucking I don't know if I've mentioned this on the podcast but you know

the whole thing where people dislike Jeremy Corbyn because of his he wants to get rid of the nuclear defence and stuff like that

which is like I wouldn't use the nuclear defence if it was needed and that's making people go oh that's a fucking weak hand shake of a man like fucking

we need someone a bit more powerful in a fucking turbulent climate in charge and stuff right so I kind of get why people didn't want him in but the way I see it

is all the people like Rupert Murdoch and P.S. Morgan and Katie Hopkins and Donald Trump and Boris Johnson and fucking everybody that you hate would despise

for him to get in that's the bit when you go who do my enemies hate yeah and I think I've said that before so I'm sorry to the

listeners if I'm fucking repeating something I've already said but that's these cunts complain about us fucking arguing they can take whatever

content they're given fucking whiny bastards so funny free content free content free content that they yell at me about when I don't fucking do it

and then mind you that being said I hope they're driving away out of like fucking our suite they're just having a lovely debate and put a spot on the wall

that's what I came in for that being said I want to hear who Kai's driving that being said I will say I do apologise for the lack of podcasts

that have become it has been utterly fucking laziness more than anything else but we're now back on the road now yeah and also you went up to Thurso

to visit your grandparents and I went to Blythe spent some time with my family hadn't seen them since before America my mum and dad had come up to the fringe

but I hadn't seen everybody else and had my pals and that when you had my dad up at the fringe the company yeah sure

oh so they did yeah of course they did they surprised us they totally didn't even tell us they were coming it was lovely How did that happen to the French? The company, yeah, sure. Oh, so they get, yeah, of course they get, sure. They surprised us. They totally, didn't even tell us they were coming, it was lovely.

Aye, no, I knew that, I helped organise that surprise, allegedly. Yes, and, allegedly,

your name was on it, your people. Aye, I signed the card. But I was, I just fucking got drunk, my pals just had a fucking bag of cans at Rouge's house.

Fucking class discount, you know, and you've just been jetting around and your life's kind of chaotic and everywhere. You know how it is. To just, like, go back where I'm at from school and have a fucking beer. Oh, yeah, I do like... And it just kind of, like, fucking remains you who you are a little bit. Like, where you came from and fucking your roots. Just's lush day and night. So good for your soul. Aye, that's why I like the alleys, big alley and little alley. You just got back to hanging out with your childhood.

Aye, it's been really lush as well that we've been kicking it about with Emma on World of Warcraft because that's what you used to do as kids. Well they didn't so it's a new thing. It was just me that used to play World of Warcraft in that's what you used to do as kids so that would be they didn't so it's a new thing it was just me it was me that used to play World of Warcraft

in my teenage years and they all just fucking laughed at you well they didn't because they you know

we were at fucking high school and also it used to be such a big game that you could only play on they played

football and it was girls that sort of stuff little lally the podcast listeners didn't

know they didn't know how ridiculous a comment that was for me the podcast listeners didn't know they didn't know how ridiculous a comment that was no no for me

the thing I'm enjoying most about World of Warcraft is the fact for me it's reliving my teenage years where I just got obsessed with this game but then also

at the same time it's doing it with you introducing new people and getting fresh eyes on the game it's like one of the biggest

tests in the world. In fact, fuck it, here's a good question for you. When you and Natalie started courting each other, there's always things that you love that you show the person that you're starting to like to see if they like it too. Because if they don't, you you're like our souls don't match yeah

like it's like here's like for me a big test is always uh Bo Burnham what is one of the first things I put on

so if that's I watch it and they and I'll watch them so you're picking things for the first time through you Bo Burnham

yeah yeah so they've never seen it and I love that special and I love Bo Burnham and I want to watch it with the person I'm with and then watch them watch it so I can tell

oh like what you hate your audience doing yes yes that's exactly that no the glance the watch but it's a

it's a they say Warrior's another one for me like you've got you've got to watch because I dating a girl a while ago a while ago

years ago I made her watch Warrior and even after watching the movie she was like yeah it's just a boy movie and I'm like no it's not

and that was you know that lady wouldn't watch when the you know the tap Tommy tap

she wouldn't watch that bit she was like too gross to buy it I've been grossed out she doesn't know because there's some things as well where you go oh right that person

doesn't like that thing like if she doesn't like UFC that's just things as well where you go oh right that person doesn't like that thing like if she doesn't like UFC that's just but some things are too many couples shave their bits off themselves

and become one boring person you know what I mean my girlfriend doesn't like football I'm not going to like football I'm going to enjoy

football I don't like the reality TV show so now she's not going to watch the reality TV show and all of a sudden you just boil it down

to the couple of things that meld together and nothing more than that. That's one of the most gross things to say. That's there with a fucking joint Facebook account. Just be two individuals

that amplify each other as people. I've got a great... I'm about to do the worst podcast content we've ever done. I've got a great meme to show you about that after. I'm so sorry that's the way that's the way that's the way

it is listening but now again will it just fall out why the beat nice bring up Kai's driving fucking Craig

Craig Johnson who like I haven't been listening to the podcast anyway he just randomly asked us last night is it driving still as shit as it was fucking Craig Craig Johnson who like I haven't been listening to the podcast anyway he just randomly asked us last night

is it driving still as shit is it I think I've never crashed that's not that's not going on no no no

so my question was is that what was the was there any time while you were recording where you were just like your little testers to be like

but not even testers because that suggests that they can fail the test but you go hey here's something that I love so much I'm going to show not even testers that you because that suggests that they can fail the test but you go hey here's something that I love so much I'm going to show you it and hope that you

fucking enjoy it too me mates just me mates you know and I fucking wheel out Rouge and wheel out Sopit and stuff like that

who like might turn the nose up of some fucking snobby people right just because they're quite frank and abrupt and like fucking like I love that

about them I love that about them. I love that fucking hardcore that they've got. And, and then like, if, if I had like a, a girl that I had been dating and had met them and they turned their nose up a little bit and was a bit sneery,

I'm like, you have got to go. Oh, I can't do that. Yeah. Yeah. But fucking, it's,

because it's kind of, it kind of would be a deal breaker. Like fucking, Natalie absolutely fucking loves those. Like, like she's come from a completely different walk of life. You know what I mean? fucking it's because it's kind of it kind of would be a deal breaker like fucking natalie absolutely fucking loves those like she's cut from a completely different walk of life you know what i mean and she just fucking loves that because she's never really hung out with people like that before the fun as fuck so when she meets those lads she's just like fucking these are class all right that's the thing about what i've learned in becoming friends with you and all the Achory friends is that there is

because they're salt of the earth but also scum of the earth and it's both because you just fucking bought one of them because I but I used to have such

I mean you know I used to have such a fucking preconception about fucking your lot like just being like all chavs all neds can't be a fucking arse deal with them to have such a fucking preconception about fucking your lot like just being like all chavs all neds

can't be a fucking arse deal with them then you hang out with them you go fucking aye they're fucking good fucking fun people

they say things wrong and they're mental but their hearts are in the right fucking place and they're not as violent as I

thought well that being said if they need to be if any of them need to be it does feel like

if anybody's like oh you and who's army I've got one I've got an army you don't want to ask for those keep this space between me and you

you don't want to ask for those cunts you and what army just scroll through your phone book this one this one oh no she's pregnant

no she'll still join in absolutely each of those people have got people that would come and have their back with any questions asked this one oh no she's pregnant no she'll still join in absolutely each of those people have got people that would come and have their back with any questions asked and not even because

they're like me just because they love fights but it was fucking absolutely quality just having a few days in the gigs back and forth

I kind of fucking that was nice you know when we were driving past the bridges and I put it in the gigs back and forth I kind of fucking that was nice you know when we were driving past the bridges at a point in the mood

you know like that feeling of like all the bridges on the town as you go by the road bridge you know like

that feeling of seeing like a landmark from your hometown when you spend time away like you're like

souls attached to Edinburgh when you see the castle it's fucking you get that we're talking about there's just

there's certain you know if you love a place you love the place you live in you love the place you grew up there's just, there's certain places, you know, if you love a place and you love the place they live in, you love the place they grew up in, there's just some sort

of sites where you just look at it and you go, I fucking love this place, man. Yeah. Like, Edinburgh's got so many of those views. I don't think I have that affinity for Fife, really.

No, that's not true. Every time I get fucking fish and chips in Fife, I'll go. Yeah, but that's like, even though I'm from Blythe, then that's where, like, fucking, that's my roots, that's like even though I'm from Blythe then that's where like fucking

that's my roots that's who I am is the fucking Blythe lad like my soul's attached to Newcastle completely

that stadium the angel of the north the fucking the river like fucking my soul is completely attached to that city

yeah yeah and Edinburgh represents Scotland to me yeah that's Glasgow listeners losing their mind what? just said Edinburgh represents Scotland to me people Yeah, that's... Glasgow listeners losing their mind. What?

I just said Edinburgh represents Scotland to me. People in Glasgow... I've probably told you this before and I'm not sure if I've put it on the podcast, but did I tell you the fucking two polarities of Glasgow and Edinburgh that I saw in one day? The one where... Right, so the first one was I was going through to Glasgow,

walked to Haymarket train station to get the train and I walked past Ian Edinburgh, right? A nine-year-old boy, or about that age, in his shorts, getting a violin lesson in the front lawn. Great. Yeah, that's it. Edinburgh, Cairnsville, right? And then...

And then in Glasgow, it was him getting beat up. He's under strict instructions to never visit Glasgow that badly you see that train station we don't go there never get on the train it will merely take you to your death and then I get to Glasgow

early for my gigs I go for a pint in the Queen Street pub the pub and the train station and I go out to the pub and the lady getting served before me must have been

about right I was going to say 80 but she was from Glasgow she was probably about 60 right she fucking looked like she'd been chain smoking

all her life right and she asked for this old woman asked for a haggis bomb right not a Jaeger bomb a haggis bomb

right in the last can I guess what it is hold on it's going to on it's gonna be it's gonna be Jaeger dropped an iron brew

or whiskey dropped an iron brew ah whiskey dropped an iron brew fucking dropped a shot of whiskey into an iron brew when she asked for a haggis bomb

and fucking it was the same day within hours of seeing the kid getting the violin lesson and I was like there it is there's the fucking

I've seen all that Scotland there's the only fucking polarity and then you go north no no I went up the fucking door knocked of is my fucking grandparents my grandparents from Thursday which is still even you so you to get Inverness, which is very, very far north, I drove another hour north to get to Dornach and then from there

it was still another 19 miles to get up to my grandparents' place. I mean, you always forget how much more, because you get to Inverness and you're like, these people are fucking mental. Like, a lot of people from Inverness,

they're fucking weirdos. They talk weird, they've got weird stupid, like Aberdonians Piggy's from fucking Aberdeen her accent's fine but people she knows are weird

when you start getting to Dorna you just go you get Tories up there ah that's weird that's how sheltered they are up there like the only form of media

they get is the sun news it's the airdrop the airdrop of the sun I always get that drop dropping out of a fucking field fucking fucking Brexit voters. The furthest north you could get.

People in just... Oh, the white... Is there an off-south divide? Do they look at you like fucking Londoners? Do they look at you like the way the North might look at London?

Probably. Being in Edinburgh. Oh, Edinburgh, yes. Glasgow, no, yeah. But no, the rest of Scotland looks down on Edinburgh like that. And rightfully so. Anytime Edinburgh cops shit, they're like, you think you're better than us?

I'm like, yes. I absolutely do. That's why I live in Edinburgh. I used to get a laugh everywhere outside of Edinburgh. I live in Scotland now. I moved to Edinburgh. I live in Edinburgh with the rest of the English people. That's absolutely true.

And even though I said it, I didn't know why it was working so well I didn't know if it was because a bunch of English people have moved to Edinburgh so you do get a lot of English people there or if they just consider

people from Edinburgh English people because they're that Scottish I think it's that when people move to when English people move to Scotland they move to Edinburgh

because it's the capital city because that's why the way the joke was intended but the way the people of Glasgow laugh was as if I called people from Edinburgh English yeah absolutely

that's exactly why they're laughing at me that's not how I meant it but I was like oh I've just stole I've just stole like accidentally landed on a better joke

it's a big better insult I would yeah because I don't consider I'm a fife boy I just want to fucking grow up a Fife boy that's where I fucking grew up

I moved to Edinburgh it's like I remember being in the concordate gate and some girl was like she's like

you live in Edinburgh now don't you and I was like yeah it's just because you think you're better than us I was like oh no no no

and I've always I've always thought I was better than Fife I was six years old don't get me wrong loved it was a brilliant

childhood it was one of those, man, it's fucking coastal Scotland, man, you get a bus to go bring your friends there, you know, before pedos existed, you could just go wander the streets, you used to have a pager, mum takes you home for dinner. A pager. Like, I do hate that that gets attached to you if you move somewhere big, like, because if you, like, if I've moved to London, it'll be like, oh, you think you're too good,

and you think you're better than us type of vibe that people might have. When you're like, it's just way more convenient for stuff, for the life I'm living. So it's better. My wife's got a job there, and it's quite a long commute from Blythe. I like her. She seems to, I think it's going well.

I've got her, right. I think she likes me. If not, she wasted money on that fucking dress. They've got a Nando's. That's what Joanie sees as culture. London is so cultured. It's got a Nando alright let's insult your dad shall we

I have yours plug oh should we talk about the fucking before we get fucking Wagatha Christie Colleen Rooney

oh that was class I really enjoyed that I don't know normally I stay away from all of that fucking tabloid gossip any time football gets tabloidy

it usually sucks but that was fucking belter that was do you want to like try and inform the American listeners what happened so Colleen Rooney

is the wife of Wayne Rooney she's also oh he plays for DC United doesn't he so he yeah. She's also... Oh, he plays for DC United, doesn't he? Yeah. I don't know who he is.

But she's also... I think she's... I mean, she's a businesswoman. She's got loads of fucking... She's entrepreneurial and stuff. Used her fame to do charity work and she's also got brands and things. Anyway, she's a fucking celebrity over here.

Wayne Rooney, one of the most famous Hingham players. And she, Colleen Rooney, has got a closed Instagram account so that she can share stuff about like our life and our kids and everything like that with a large group

of friends and family yeah people that you trust and you go hey I understand I live a public life but I still want a private life it beats

it beats having a fucking WhatsApp group with that many people in that aren't connected to each other I can just keep the people I love updated but some stories

kept being leaked from this uh uh getting to the sun newspaper in the daily mail she's like i know it's coming from my private so she started uh spreading fake uh she started spreading fake stories on the instagram thing but blocked every person apart from one person it should release things like uh i've got a flood in the basement I'm going on holiday to Mexico going on holiday to Mexico

so I can pick the gender of the baby sort of thing stuff that she knew would make it to the fucking tabloids that they'd want to sell it's utter genius

from Colleen Rooney not only Colleen Rooney has destroyed the myth that wags are stupid that is one of the smartest

most Sherlock Holmes level shit fucking colloquial my fucking god what a genius woman turns out the lake you know I kind of

always on Instagram she's eh it turns out she believes it is the girl that wasn't blogged is Rebecca Vardy

who is the wife of Jamie Vardy of the last two but the whole the whole release blog was a superb piece of writing. Oh, man. With the reveal.

Look, if you go on Colleen Rooney's Twitter, you'll find the thing. It's dot, dot, dot. Dot, dot, dot. It's Rebecca Vardy. And as someone that does not like gossip in any way.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. And then, once you've read that article, if you haven't, you're surely out of it. You live in the internet age. Fucking check with the memes. The memes have been mint.

Aye. I do. That's one thing. The reason none of us will ever delete Twitter, I do think the world would be a better place if Twitter didn't exist. I can't have gone on Facebook. I really do believe.

People would be happier. People would be happier and we'd be kinder to each other because we'd have empathy because you'd say things to people's faces and you'd see the reactions

I'm addicted to memes like a fucking smoker I bet see when something bad memes are the best man oh man I have

20 memes a day it's maybe one vice it's maybe one face is memes but it is whenever something bad whenever

something happens you are just because the internet really makes you realise how funny other people in the world are some

of the funniest things in the world I some of the funniest things in the world I've got much to show you after this actually good content and to know real gay these are not trying

to become public figures they're not trying to they're just funny as fuck they're just funny as fuck they're not trying to become comedians they're not trying to garner a following

they're just funny as fuck and they're just being funny on the internet and I I absolutely fucking adore them for it aye like

memes from the general population are always funnier than memes from comedians aye well except fucking fucking boomer memes are you on that page

boomer memes me and Elliot Steele fucking send each other fucking boomer jokes all the time I like I

I hate boomers they what I hate them because normally my jokes all the time I like I I've started I hate boomers I hate them because normally because he's that's so guilty he's like normally

normally when I normally when I fucking when I fucking hate people right there's always a really horrible moment when it's something

you fucking hate you and them laugh at the fucking same thing and you go fuck there's part of me that is the same as you so I guess we were found for services today that was just full of boobas

oh they're all crap they're all shite they're all absolutely not a single one of those in that wherever that service station we were in right between the hours of fucking nine and three not a single person in that matters they were just the worst people and you shouldn't judge a book when you cover it but there was a busload of books and I was right they were all cunts

aye it was you look at the running ads now like honestly you could service station

just fucking contain it just get rid of them all here we found them I don't know what got them

right this is coming out today so 12th of October we're in Lincoln and then this is where things get weird 15th of October hopefully we're in Tokyo

16th in Singapore that's sold out thank you very much on the 18th we are in Hong Kong 19th is Hong Kong sold out? Hong Kong is not sold out

is Tokyo sold out? Tokyo is not sold out is Singapore sold out? Singapore is sold out that's the one that I'm doing What, the Singapore one? No, it's a pattern Oh, you also do the Melbourne one?

Okay, yeah Ah, well then you're arguing a boost of shit I don't even tell people that I'm on Sorry, because the Tokyo one I couldn't get a visa Oh yeah, okay But I'm coming October the 19th, Melbourne There's two shows On Sydney

On the 20th of October Because my agent Fucking hates me And doesn't listen To my instructions That I don't ever Under any fucking circumstance Want to do two shows

In a day So I'd recommend Coming to the earlier show Because I'm going to be Fucking either very drunk Or very angry By the second one What's it is that?

Sydney Brisbane sold out Love you Brisbane Oh I see Gene Yeah we could see She's coming to Melbs as well she's coming to Melbs and then

couple days off and then October 24th in Perth what I will say is people have obviously noticed that we're not doing Adelaide on the tour

and they think it's because I hate Adelaide I can genuinely I can genuinely tell you it isn't because I hate Adelaide it was just we couldn't get there

and we couldn't get the dates to work that is the only reason don't get me wrong I still think Adelaide is a fucking shithole did you say we've got a date off

in Perth we've got three days off before Perth where we could have been in Adelaide maybe venues didn't work out I mean specifically it wasn't a venue size

that would have worked for us and also I'll watch some time off and then on the 28th we start the European tour which is the ones that are not sold out fucking I love Europe man

you're the best Reykjavik not sold out yet all these ones sold out Budapest not sold out Prague not sold out Paris not sold out Madrid not sold out

Berlin not sold out the rest of Germany has a lot of tours yeah almost almost Tallinn, Vienna Moscow in front of 3,000 people surprisingly is not sold out the rest of Germany has their attitudes yeah almost almost Tallinn, Vienna, Moscow

in front of 3,000 people surprisingly it's not sold out yet I've got my visa for that I've got my Russian one alright come and see us

live your dad your dad's being domesticated by his dog your dad puts hot sauce on everything he eats to look hard. Your mum's pussy is in tatters. Your dad doesn't have any control over his arms, they just flop by his side, but he's still pursuing his dream of being an Olympic sprinter.

Your dad put a ring up his arse before visiting the proctologist, and that's how he met your mother. Your dad put his arm through a glory hole and got his fist sucked. Your dad says, ah, for way too long when the dentist says,

say ah. He does it for the entire thing. Say ah. Ah. Commit. Ah. Commit. commit commit well I'll only commit if you start doing

dental work on me get that on the t-shirt hold on say that sentence again one say that sentence again I'll only commit if you like I gave you what it was

I'll only commit if you do dental work on me. Didn't Natalie tell you, and you mentioned this in the last podcast, that you love a book of your own. And you just said, I'll only commit if you do dental work on me. She knows you better than you know yourself. I love dentists, man.

Your dad puts a custard pie on the passenger side dashboard so that if he crashes, he can laugh at your mum. Your dad crushes cards with soup against his head after eating them. Your dad had a gentleman's wash in the Nando's sink. Your dad uses an old sock as a bookmark. He owns a Kindle. Your dad was so furious that his steak bake

was cold that he stoned back in the counter and demanded to speak to Greg your dad went on his holly bobs and packed all of his stuff

in a Christmas stocking holly pops holly bobs your dad wished that people would listen to him for a change and the genie didn't grant it your dad just doesn't understand

why Greta Thunberg's on TV all the time like what's the point like why is she there like what is it she's just doesn't understand why Greta Thunberg's on TV all the time like what's the point like why is she there like what is it she's just a kid man like fucking mental what it's baby boomers

your dad's armpit farts smell like real farts whenever your dad goes to an Italian restaurant and the waiter comes up and says parmesan he just tips his head back like a bird

and opens his mouth about the dentist again your dad asked for my little pony for Christmas and I just told him that he was getting a dead leg that joke works

in two ways your dad spent his summer holidays saving up money for bogs by running a car washing service. He saved money on soap and cloths by just using his tongue. Your dad...

Oh, no. There's a whole new different meaning to the word ribbing. Your dad sung Ding Dong, the witch's dead at your sister's funeral. Your dad's dead and this is how your mum wanted me to tell you.