Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 3.36 Full Name

Episode Date: October 29, 2019

Cream tries to point out reasons muggins doesn't love his wife, muggins makes a willy out of himself in the airport and their travels to the Far East get partially debriefed as they embark on the second European leg of their ever lasting tour

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

I just sat there waiting. Aye. I sent a text on my phone. Aye. You were there like, no coffee, no phone, just sat there like a psychopath. Wait for you to fucking finish your little fucking bit in your little group.

You're in the group. I'm not now, am I? I was fucking waiting for you. The WhatsApp group that you're in. That you've just been up in the banter in. That was a very for it the little whatsapp group that you're in that you've just been having the banter in that was a very funny banter on the whatsapp group though

no don't do it don't tell the in joke no why fine fine here we are

in Stocktonholm Sweden do you expect a song no don't I did I could probably pull it out of the bag if you want

absolutely don't I shouldn't chew chewing out of the bag if you want absolutely do it I shouldn't chew chewing gum on the podcast it's unprofessional it's a very professional podcast that's not your drink is it it's empty so I would assume

can I glean it a bit closer not to the podcast to me aye we've had a bit closer not to the podcast to me aye we've been we've had a bit of a podcast drought simply because we've been

can't be arsed mostly in the air and we can't be arsed and when we can be arsed to do a podcast we've been getting hammered aye we've just done a fucking

weird session around the world didn't we that was class you've got to remember that this podcast made sense when we were going

on the road for three months three months of the year a three month podcast like hey we're doing it's easy man it's easy as fuck it's easy as fuck

to do ten podcasts in a row I'm fucking I've nothing to say to you right I'm just I don't know how to explain this

to the podcast listeners to put themselves in my shoes because it is class don't get how to explain this to the podcast listeners to put themselves in my shoes because it is class don't get us wrong I really fucking love going from country to country city to city

doing all these shows but we're kind of in purgatory now aren't we it's like a little bit Bruce Bogtrotter you know the bit where you want some fucking cake

have some fucking cake you like this day it's like can you have too much of a good thing you know the fat guy in fucking Matilda weird that you know

him on a full name basis but alright what do you think it's weird that I know the names of just you know it was the last time

you watched Matilda do you not know Augustus Gloop from the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory aye but that's because I saw I'd study fat kids

from movies it's easy to remember names when you read the books have you read Matilda I fucking love Roald Dahl books

how old were you when you read Matilda probably from the age of 4, 10, 15 now I've multiple read most Roald Dahl books

I've read his autobiography Boy that was good Boy that's his autobiography, Boy. That was good. Boy? That's his autobiography? Mm-hmm. Is that not just a book? No.

Turns out I'm not the biggest fan I thought I was. But Boy was past my reading level, I'm going to be honest. That was one of the big ones with small words. Maybe it was Boy, but it's Edward and Alfred on one side. Twit. Twit's out of... One thing I remember about his autobiography is he makes one of his older sisters' boyfriend smoke goat shit.

Does he? He shits his autobiography. Yeah, you know, honestly, because he wrote that, so basically he comes from the time when he was in loads of older brothers and sisters and they all died from, like, fucking plague or whatever the older brother was. I haven't read Boy and I haven't read

Danny the Champion of the World. No offence. It just wasn't for me. I just saw the title and went, fucking pure fiction that. Give us one of his other books. On the...

That are non-fiction. On the Fox that fucking starts a war with the farmers. BFG. Come on, I can suspend my disbelief so far. Big fucking Gimp. What?

What did you just call him? I think you fucking... Rewind the podcast if you missed it. Did you just call him? God, you're a big fucking Gimp. Who, me? I thought you were a calendar giant. No.

Sorry, I thought you were a very friendly giant. Is Gimp one of the words that we're never going to be told is offensive or is that oh imagine that become fetish shaming but also

isn't that first of all I'm a big fan of kink shaming I think some of them should be kinked away into non-existence

I think some of them should be absolutely kink shamed into like non-existence some things are just literally a step away from paedophilia and if I say what they are

people are going to be like no it's not do you know who those people are paedophiles you're like you know people that are like in love with inanimate objects oh

grown men that want to dress up in diapers and that that's like that's fucking fantasising about children so even if there's no children involved or harmed it's like going into a shop

and buying a fucking baby blow-up doll you know what I mean it's like it's like nah nah you shop and buying a fucking baby blow up doll you know what I mean it's like it's like nah nah you're a threat you're too close to the threat

fucking barometer to be allowed to continue with your fetish I've always think like you can fancy anyone within reason

and within reason be reasonable but it's like you can fancy men you can fancy women you can fancy any of the ones and you can fancy anywhere between and you can be floo between that you can fancy men you can fancy women you can fancy any of the other ones

and you can fancy anywhere between and you can be fluid between that you can love anyone you want at any fucking time we've agreed on an age of consent we've agreed on an age of consent

anything after that anything after that even beyond 80 knock yourself out you're allowed to love who you fucking love as long as they're over the age of consent

if you fancy a car if you fancy a rollercoaster if you fancy get go to jail fancy a roller coaster if you fancy get go to jail what do you or or go to a mental hospital

so right let's let's find out where your tipping point is I think it's fucking a car man so inanimate objects what do you what do you think about like fetishes

like foot fetish and stuff like that body parts that like that's harmless well so there's like that, body parts that, that's harmless. Well. So there's kinks that are just like...

There's things that I'm not into, but if you're into it, then fine. I think I'd have a foot fetish if I could. No. Why?

Because like... Because everyone's got feet? I mean, people are frivolous with their feet distribution. They're fucking everywhere mate imagine like like you felt for feet

like you feel for boobs and there was as much boob opportunity as much feet opportunity no but that would make me that would make me a disgusting pervert everywhere

but then my eye that's the thing as well that would just be a disgusting it's like these curtains here imagine you had a thing for curtains that would be class but then you're that

then you're that level of fucking I've just turned on all of the time but I just want to I don't think foot fetish is a problem I do I do find it

interesting I don't think it goes into your realm of problem though no and I think that's why you could get called

king shaman if you fancy feet I don't fancy feet but you're allowed to fancy feet that's when you could get called King Shaman if you fancy feet I don't fancy feet but you're allowed to fancy feet that's when King Shaman would come in and go actually that's fucking

not fair on that person that person just fucking really fond of feet why are you being a dick to them here's my problem with people talking about King Shaman first of all

I think we should all be ashamed of a lot of these things because they are gross and we're dark little perverts there's nothing wrong with that I don't want I don't want to be shameless with the stuff I do

in the fucking bedroom that's disgusting I don't want to be fucking like even like as someone who does talk about sex on stage I'm never going to be

as explicit it's mad that we're ashamed of masturbating like getting caught getting caught masturbating it's like oh my god oh I can't believe that

this is awkward between me and this person me and this person and am I going to be the same again it's only awkward if you stop it's only awkward

if you stop if you keep doing it you can just make it their problem sorry where do we go there I'm high are you high I've been high I'm not going to be sober for high are you high I've been high

I'm not going to be sober for any of this tour I've been high since it started that was a problem for you as well with doing the far east stuff you couldn't bring your weed

aye anyway a bit like fucking he all lost his tail dead depressed it's the source of all of his power is he sad

because he lost his tail they're all meant to represent mental health issues aren't they aren't they like let's go through it

Eeyore has got depression Tigger loves eggies he's a proper pill head piglets and nonces no no when he's piglets

and nonces oh yeah when he throws us on with a little fucking little pink thing alright the kangaroo is

racist aye the old slut shames yep and negative mental health issue Aye And the

Christopher Robbins A boomer Christopher Robbins Baby boomer Aye I think baby boomer Should be a mental illness Here we go

It should be A mental illness Like Baby boomers Fucking suck man They are a bitch Are we tired Of this already

Probably Well I think everyone is except for the baby boomers who obviously like self-awareness I just feel like I'd miss my

parents now lad I'd really fucking miss my parents a lot but if that whole generation of fucking baby boomers just left us alone

and just went to the woods walked into the sea just went look crack on everyone we're just gonna like we're not even we never had and just went to the woods. Right. Just walked into the sea. Just went, look, crack on everyone. We're just going to,

like, we're not even, no internet, we never had internet in the first place but we're not going to do anything. We're not going to

turn up with a vote. We're not going to have an opinion. We're just going to fuck off. Is that alright? We're going, you're not going to interfere with anything.

You're just going to, like, I'll just hug my mum and make her a pack of lunch. Like, because everybody would want their parents to stay like you know what again oh fuck off

I'll have the baby boomers but I'm gonna keep these like I would like I would like that but that's selfish but I think I just have to say goodbye to my mum and dad if it meant

the baby boomers would fuck off I don't know if my parents were boomers are my parents boomers I mean they'd probably argue against it they're probably in that like a generation that you're in between like X and millennial but like most Millennials were Kylie Generation X most Generation

X were Kylie and millennial I know I was at the time when the internet was invented huh there was a time in my life before the internet yeah also I've lived on both sides of 9-11 yes I think the introduction of phones and internet we straddled both of those lives it's almost like there was probably a generation in the 1800s that were

pre-electricity and post-electricity that had to make the transition and then those people who come along that just took for granted like that fucking electricity's already been there always been there that had to make the transition. And then those people who come along that I just took for granted. Like that fucking electricity's already been there. Like, always been there. I wonder what our kids are going to be ungrateful about. Teleportation.

Oh, I've got to teleport in Nan's house. I used to have to walk up a hill. There and back. Would you use a teleporter? Not if... Ah, here we go. I had a teleporter? Not if Here we go All I've said is I've invented a teleporter Are you going to get it?

I think I'm going to die And then somebody else is going to be me And they're going to feel like they've always been me But I'll just switch off into blackness But is that not you? It is But I just don't get to experience it. My experience comes to an end.

I think when the work, I don't know how to do that, it's literally going to take the whole life and soul away from you and then create a new life and soul. It's going to... Just copy and paste. Copy and paste and then... But it's not the same copy that you've pasted. I mean, it is, it's a copy.

This is the movie The Prestige. this is the movie The Prestige? It is the movie The Prestige. One of the top five movies of all time. And will you stop playing with that please? Professional podcast. Not the card, you cock. What are your top five movies? Air Buds. Air Bud 2. What are your top 5 movies? Airpods

Airbud 2 Airbud 3 Tokyo Drift Let's talk about Tokyo Alright we were in Tokyo So I did not expect The lanes that went down So

The picture of Tokyo that you expect Is definitely the first thing that catches your eye. That's the big fucking tall, lit, like, fucking Times Square-ish vibe of the whole city. Capitalism. Yeah. It's been advertised, too. But, like, weirdly not because it's all in foreign speak. Right.

Japanese. Literally so close. Really bad Japanese accent. Yeah, definitely. Japanese. Literally so close. They're doing a really bad Japanese accent. Yeah, definitely. Not going to do it. However, however, this is legit. When Japanese people are surprised by something, and you pointed this out, they do this, do the impression of it.

Oh. They're like, genuinely, if you surprise any, and I mean, if this is racist, this is racist. You surprise any Japanese person they will do a voice of Tim Allen from Home Improvement like just

and it's the greatest most genuine thing in the entire world if anyone's ever played Metal Gear Solid 1 for the Playstation it's when one of the guards

finds one of the guards that you've took out so if you leave a corpse or an unconscious guard on the floor the other guard will come up because that's a Japanese made game isn't it? Must be. So when the guard comes up and it's like quite a serious game up until the guard goes vrooom and it's like a question mark

appears above his head vrooom. I didn't realise I thought they were doing that like it's a cut like of making a bit cartoonish but they were just being earnest. The rest of the time they're just just so... They're the politest people in the world, and then you surprise them, and then they suddenly get animated. Yes, and I felt like, also, anything that people have considered to be racist towards Japanese people, when you're there, you just think, oh, none of this would ever bother them.

Like, doing a voice, or doing any kind of cultural appropriation of Japanese people, they would just find it laughable, because you're such a minority there. You really get it. At least walking through London, you'll look around and you'll see a handful of different cultures. So you have to be sensitive around each other. But they are like fucking absolute fucking 99.9% minority, majority Japanese.

Aye. That's so British. That's so 99.9% minority and there it is the imperialistic yes so it was all that

fucking reach for the skies fucking oh by the way these Japanese people taking photos if anything the odd brief here

and there taking photos maybe maybe the cliche is just tourists take photos Japanese people taking photos. If anything, the odd brief here and there taking photos. Maybe the cliche is just tourists take photos. That might be all it is. So, we got took to a bar where we just got took

off the beaten track from these tall, neon sky high-rises and into these lanes where there was like a little map when we first got there, and it was like 50 pubs on the map. But each pub is about the size of a shower?

Yeah, like... Over a small bathroom. Over a small bathroom, exactly, right? So you go in, and there's... So you have to find an empty one. Right. If there's one with a group of people in, you don't fit in.

I never fit in. You don't fit in. You fit in you can't fit in you've got to find one that's empty so you've got to

barter yourself for the point and we ended up crawling through a

few of those drinking Japanese whiskey god fucking mullad

mate I probably blasted Japanese whiskey is very good

one of my favourite things about Japan was they genuinely all the time and consistently Japanese whiskey is very good one of my favourite things about Japan was they genuinely all the time and consistently

swap out L's and R's in their typing out of words and amazing and I wish I was more mature and I wish I was a better person

but it made me laugh every single time Spark ring water Spark ring water on the menu Spark ring water I'm sorry I wish I was a better person but that's it

was so good well see that one as well because we went to the um we went to that big vr place yeah we went to the the arcades are fucking class there man like and that that was one thing i was looking forward to about tokyo and it did deliver it's like i was like oh how because we'll go to arcade stuff all the time it's always like 80s vibe 80s game, 16 bit I'm like what is the next level of arcade and Tokyo fucking nailed it Aye and it's also like I cannot believe

any video ever goes viral of like any Japanese person being like really good at a game because it goes viral in the fucking in the west and we're just like oh my god look how good this person is at this game and you think

that's one anomaly in this arcade every single person was playing the game to like a YouTube fucking viral sensation level yeah sat in fucking

in the middle of this room with all these just autistic savants absolutely on the music floor of the arcade tower oh my god in

in a fucking smashing it stereotypes are true well I think just in a play yeah and that is if you go to an arcade people are very good

at games also there was some games two the same style but two very different games where you take your cards

like suppose you've got like Pokemon cards and you lay them down on this kind of interface, and the screen in front of you picks up where you've put the card down and what its powers and abilities are and projects it onto the screen. So one of them was a battle where there was kind of, I'm guessing you would put down a card that's cavalry

and a card that's frontier and a card that's frontier and a card that's archers and move them around the battlefield and they're moving on the screen so you watch people doing that and over the other side exactly the same

kind of interface but putting down Lionel Messi and footballers and playing some kind of football version of the battle that was happening over there

and I couldn't really work out how to play it because everything was in Japanese. Aye. It looked fine. I'm looking forward to that. It looked like live chess sort of thing.

And also, it looks like a bit of a pay to play where you have fucking cards. To do that, you're going to have to bring your deck of cards in which is great

if you're a fucking teenager day and night but coming from fucking World of Warcraft over here. I'm 100% going to get the cards, I'm not going to lie. And then the next floor up was the VR floor, where they'd actually fucking made a warehouse-sized space

to roam around with a wireless VR headset on. You could actually walk around for like 30 by 20 it was like 30 by 20, which was, I mean, the game was shite. Yeah, it wasn't great. And they'd also put Unlimited Ammo and Unlimited Lives on, so it just felt a bit futile. There was no, like, element of danger to it. No, yeah.

And then also that one where you're on the horseback with a bone arrow. Ah, that was all right. That was pretty cool because, like, you had the feeling like you were moving around a lot within the space but without having

to move around so like you know how normally in VR if you move around you like throw something over there and then you appear

over there or you just move the fucking analog stick in your walk like this was good because the visual was moving at the same pace

as what the horse was moving and anything unfortunately if you say something racist in the game, people in the arcade can still hear you, so that's true. And also, if you shoot the arrow into the back of your horse's head and melt it down for glue and eat it, you get a dicky tummy.

We've melted down the glue to eat it. And eat it. Oh, right. I thought you were melting it down to become glue to then eat the glue so it's like next level next level Ralph no no

dude if I'd done that I'd keep my mouth shut oh that was one of them where everyone said that to Natalie she would have went how long you been

waiting until that joke as if as if I had the set up in my back pocket oh I put pocket I put a I put a message between me and Natalie online the other day

and a couple of people messaged Carl as a psycho for for having my wife's full name aye in the phone book

aye is that not odd that makes you not have anything just no affection towards her at all I've got me dad as Kevin Humphries

fuck I've got me mam as Linda Humphries I've got fucking I've got Matty as the pincer I've just literally got everyone

except Matty as their full name but Matty is just full name the pincer pincer's straight I've got him down as

but I just like I don't even know why like it's just no no Milo's down as Tobias oh yeah I changed that for a screen cap and I haven't changed it back yeah I'm thinking for the show that's because Milo wears jorts in the shower like Tobias from Arrested Development but you just don't do you know I told my mum that like as as a genuine fact and my mam lives with that fact now

in every interaction she has with Milo because she hasn't seen the rest of the development What does it take? So the whole never nude thing to her is an original concept that she'd never heard of that I'd pitched as a thing and my mam actually just believes

Milo's a never nude and she's spent quite a bit of time with him So it's more about him than it is believable aye it does actually aye in fact I'm starting to believe it

and I made it up what were we talking about before erm I'm not even high so I should know this erm name saved in your phone

aye no you're a psychopath like do you not have any love for it at all aye but like why does it need to be so who else is using your phone

who are you expecting like a scenario where you're dying and somebody's got your phone and you're like the passcode is

7513 and you use your phone and you're like um be wife and they're like oh is it down his schnookums and you're like nah like is it they're like oh you know what's funny about that is it down as schnookums

and you're like no like is it down as baby is it down as boo is it down as my love no no just Natalie Margaret Humphries

Margaret yeah you know what's funny about that is you started saying the actual password to my phone and then realised that you were doing it

and changed it because you must know the password of your phone I don't I think you definitely doing it and changed it because you must know the password of your phone I don't I think you definitely got it because when there was like a thing with me stag

oh I got it I got that from Natalie Humphries yeah and then got it there like literally I don't even know why I've got a password

on my thing do you not have any names for Natalie I told you just call her Natalie Humphries I call her Morgz because she looks like right so why isn't

there is Morgz on your phone well the 8 year old boy from the jungle book why I call her Morgz because she looks like right so why isn't there a Morgz on your phone like well the 8 year old boy from the Jungle Book aye why when people see that

coming up they're going to be like oh my god Kai's got a relationship with a character from a cartoon nobody sees it but me anyway

just for the fucking off chance I screen captured it and put it on the line exactly so why is it so nobody sees it apart from you

so why is it done in something so fucking official like is it wait because also you fucking official? Like, is it... Wait, because also you've just pointed out the other single thing. You don't have your dad down as dad. Aye.

Do you love anyone? How do I show my love by putting them in my filofax? It's essentially an electronic filofax. I've just got to ignore that. When I say the word mum to you, you don't think of your mum. You go, mum, Linda Humphries.

I know who Linda Humphries is. Linda Humphries. Also, here's a couple of reasons that it isn't because of, but are valid reasons. First one, the novelty of changing the name to Humphries was cute enough to put it in my diary.

Oh, you should. Okay, it's different. It's Maud Lee, not Humphries. But I had a doubt it was Natalie Lane before that. Which again, it's still not great. It's a good excuse but it's not my excuse the other one

especially when you go now with her if you've got because when you're married to her it's different right but when you're going out with her

and she was Natalie Lang to have her in your phone as Natalie and her second name suggests that there are not only other Natalies in your life

that you're like I've got to narrow it down that she's not the first one to come to your fucking mind like that's what it comes across like when it's Natalie Lang it's like

who's texting Natalie Natalie who who do you fucking think you fucking god damn girlfriend honestly nicknames all you want but

a person's name is the greatest song you can ever sing it's a beautiful name and I like it in all of its glory I don't want to water it down or boil it down to

something that I made up when made up her name's Natalie Humphries right there's another excuse that isn't valid right here's the third excuse that isn't valid I had David Canham in my phone book as Tyrone right because Tyrone is the one in Coronation Street who got beat up by his wife. Right. Or his stenders. Coronation Street? Coronation Street. Right. So I put him down as Tyrone Canham. Tyrone, can't still put his second name in. Tyrone Canham Work. Right.

And then I sent out an email for the Punch Drunk Confirmations to the actors that were on, the agents that were there, Gav, who's Punch Drunk Comedy's email address and because Can's the show manager for one of the gigs when we ran two

alongside each other I had him in the email too and he was like dude what the fuck you've got us down as Tyrone and I sent out all these comedians

and agents I can't think of Tyrone so why you've got them saved in your phone book as go out as their name on the CC's

on an email if you have their number and their email address so like you could have someone down as like fucking ginger faggot right and then you loop them into a professional email in some capacity if that comes up on the thing

how often are you professionally emailing people and bringing that CC Natalie in the conversation but Lena she doesn't know who Moogs is she's like why is fucking Emotionally emailing people And bringing Natalie CCing Natalie In the conversation But Lena No She doesn't know Who Moogs is She's like

Why is fucking Why is there someone Called Moogs in me thing Like why I mean this It's like also again This isn't my excuse But it's a valid one

I just I just don't think You love her Look I just say His first name Last name And sort everybody Out into order

Psychopath You know the times as well That I fucking Went and text Milo Look at you say his first name, last name, and sort everybody out in the order. He's such a fucking psychopath. Do you remember the times as well that I fucking went and texted Milo and I fucking can't find him in my phone book and then I'm like, I called him Tobias and I have to find him. I didn't want that with everybody. Just for memory then.

I do remember the names. Why do I have to remember two names for everybody? But it's just such a little thing. You're like, oh, sometimes I go to the site put Milo and then I have to delete it and then I have to

type Tobias and oh it's just not worth my time but like for everybody like that I'm a fucking it's not everybody there's anyone

wait you were there even if you just had her down as Natalie nobody gives a fuck if you've just got her down as or even not it's the fact that

the other thing the other thing people are picking up on is that I didn't put a kiss on my message oh well no that's not that's all the time you meant

to put kisses in like I think people think so bollocks fucking pince I used to put hundreds oh he used to he still does

like I was going to say I'm sorry I'm sorry if his new girlfriend's listening but he used to put loads of kisses on there. He fucking puts, literally, I think, I think it got to the point where he put,

like, you know how you can put fast keys? Do you know, you can go into the keyboard, and so I've basically got my email address, I type in ZZ, and that's the fast key for my email address, so I don't have to type my email address in, because it's fucking tedious. I think he had it where, like, two kisses was the fast key for my email address so I don't have to type my email address in because it's fucking tedious I think he had it

where like two kisses was a fast key for a million kisses so he wasn't even putting in the effort for that he was copying and pasting essentially

I don't put kisses in I'd probably sign off on one if I'm saying goodnight aye end of the day not essential end of the day or aye no I'm about to go to bed end of the day not essential end of the day or

oh I know I'm about to go to bed that's the only time the rest of the time I don't see the point also another good keep on guessing good valid reason

that wasn't my reason it was in a group chat the screen cap if you're using kisses in a group chat it's fucking ah yeah it's a bit of a

it's a bit of a soppy group chat alright get a room all 12 of you yeah no that's definitely not allowed if you

put kisses in a group chat to your partner it's different levels of because it's not even public displays of affection it's social media

displays of affection and those are worse yeah one of my favourite things of all time is when people put stuff in the wrong group. It's amazing.

Did I... We had a... I'm not going to do in-jokes. I'm not going to use the content of it. I feel like you'd think I'm going to. I'm not. So basically... That's one of the first things you did yesterday

with Parang as well. It's the first thing after the private joke. Which one?. The first thing I heard was a private joke. Which one? Explain it to them. Explain the private joke to them. Yeah, so there was a one where somebody said something and it was out of context it was appropriate to someone else

in the group so they went to the name of Rich's autobiography, right? And then that become a bit where people would scroll back up through the messages, find a message and bump it with the title of Elliot's autobiography right and then that become a bit where people would scroll back up through the messages find a message and bump it with the title of elliot's autobiography and it just become a running bit where you're digging through the archive of a whatsapp group in there i searched for something found it bumped it as the title of daniel's autobiography and realized it was just in a completely different group it was like a group for like brett and mary's wedding it was just in a completely different group. It was like a group for, like, Brett and Mary's wedding. It was like a mammy and a man.

So it was just this, like, dormant group that hadn't been used for a bit. I don't know what you're marking me. I just... I just... I just seized an opportunity to rinse you. May I have some weed? I'm having some weed.

Is it cool to travel with that oh oh you're we'll write we'll go to the end of that well I'm not going to edit that out but we'll change the subject your suitcase

hasn't turned up you're travelling late right now it should be here soon apparently because you travelled through Shiphall to get to Reykjavik

which seems like a weird route actually from Edinburgh considering Schiphol's one of the Schiphol's the top for me top five worst

airports in the world it's just too unnecessarily big and everything's too far apart you need it's badly designed it

right it's fine to fly into Schiphol or out of Schiphol but to change over in Schiphol I've never I've never I've never changed over

for a flight where I haven't sprinted full tick through the airport and you look around and everybody else is sprinting full tick it's like

why why do why add this stress to people to stop being shite I'll tell you what was a good fucking airport Brisbane airport

remind me about Brisbane we got through in about three minutes yes it was the most it was the most easiest and most

logical I nearly came in my fucking pants now again this is obviously from two people that travel all the

time so let me just tell you the perfect airport experience we got in we checked in we put our bags through

and then we went to queue up in the airport security pit there wasn't that much of a queue but

there was both the security machines were sort of, everyone was unpacking their stuff. And just to the left was the VIP queue, whatever the fuck it is, first class, business class, whatever. And one of the guys just looks over and goes, oh, the business class security pit's empty. Nobody's coming through there.

This is full. I'm going to use my human being logic. And he goes, you two can just use that one. And we were like oh brilliant so straight through immediately go get our laptops out of the bag and go do we need to get anything else out he's like no we're like what about this he's like just we'll work it out just leave everything in the bag you were sitting there being like do I need to get rid of this water and he's like is it water and he's like nothing no you can just take it through and

you go oh it's not taking the laptop out of the bag. Don't be silly. Just straight through. Have a good day, sir. None of this, you're going to have to randomly swab your fingers for cum just in case you plan to masturbate on this flight again, sir. Yeah, that was exceptionally slick. If you could guarantee all airport experiences would have been like that, would I get an extra hour in bed every fucking day? Aye. Brisbane was good.

experiences of being like that would I get an extra hour in bed every fucking day aye Brisbane was good I had I had one of my worst airport experiences on the way to Reykjavik

and it was all my fault why would you do so before we get into this hold on thanks everyone in Australia and Japan and Singapore

and blah blah blah they came out to shows it was fun aye it was good wasn't it it was next I was in

right so I'm trying to eat healthy for this leg of the tour because I've got this It was good, wasn't it? It was. Next. I was in... Right, so I'm trying to eat healthy for this leg of the tour because I've got this sneaking feeling that if I carry on the way I'm going, I'm going to be a big fat blimp by Christmas. So I'm going to just eat well when I can. Just the healthiest option that's available to me at the time, I'll go for. And I'm in the fucking airport with not enough time to sit down. So I have to go to WH Smith

and find whatever the fucking healthiest option there is and there's this fucking John West tuna dish that just looks like

cat food and I'm like if I'm sticking to my rule that there is the option right so I get it and I go to the

fucking till and there's people behind us and I get there and she scans it through and I'm like, can I have a fork please? And she went, we don't have any left, we're waiting for an order to arrive, forks.

And I just think, I was in a fucking bad mood anyway because I'm jet lagged. I'd seen me way for like a day and a half and then I'm jetting back off again. So I was like fucking, I just want life to be easy to me right now. And I just went, look, it's a fucking refund then because it's, and I just think, in that moment, I just had this to be easy to us right now. And I just went, look it's a fucking refund then. Cause it's, and I just think in that moment, I just had this like falling down moment

where I was just like, I kind of believe you've even got them on the shelf. I kind of believe you're like, please go and take them all off the shelf. Cause you're expecting people to come along, scan them through, buy it, and then just walk through the airport eating tuna with a fucking hand.

And I wasn't polite about it at all. And she just looked I don't understand why an airport would sell tuna what the airport says it's the way it's different Gatwick he's selling tuna

you're not like a fucking like not a tuna can but it's like a tuna meal it's got like sweet corn and fucking a bit of dressing on and some salad and that

it's like a fucking but it's got like a tin lid it's like a tin lid like a kind of foil rather than tin you know what I'm talking about man surely you've seen them right

oh so I go to the happy part I was literally fucking just saying I can't believe you're trying to sell these to people

for them to walk around just scooping shit I'm saying it in front of that customer and she just looked at it scanned it back through and gave us a refund

went aye it's got a fork in it and I felt like the biggest cunt I felt like And she just looked at it, scanned it back through and gave us a refund and went, ah, it's got a fork in it. And I felt like the biggest cunt. I felt like the biggest, the biggest cunt in the world.

Because it was just how organic it happened. I was like, oh yeah, before I forget, can I get a fork? And they went, there isn't one.

And I went, oh, can I get a refund? And she was a little bit like resistant about giving us a refund on the product. So that's when I was like, because I thought she wasn't gonna give us the refund I thought I'll kick up a bit of a fuss. So she definitely gives us the fucking

Three pound back. Yeah. Oh my fucking god. I just think I Like when she said it I literally just went I'm sorry and dashed I'm so sorry Just evacuate from the situation just went I'm sorry and dashed I'm so sorry and then just fucking legged it I was like just evacuate from the situation completely I think

I'm looking at the other type of situations where I look back like I laugh at them I don't ruminate on them good for you good for you

I'm sure she's looking back and laughing at it you horrible cat and I'll be like I'm so glad I'm ruthless enough that that back and laughing at it you horrible cat and I'd be like I'm so glad I'm ruthless enough that that doesn't like a good person

a real decent person right would be like oh my god I can't believe that I'm such an asshole and all that but I just might be like

I'm going to tell Danny about this but I did I felt like so it was that was one of my worst airport exits

because I made a fuss oh you did the people behind us in the queue you know what like they were like so. It was one of, that was one of my worst airport exits because I made a fuss. Oh, you did? The people behind us in the queue, you know what I mean? Like they were like, they, because I was holding them up

so I was making that fucking vocal so I could, yeah, this is why I pulled it up, that fucking mechanism tune out of my hands. Are you kidding?

That one second. That mechanism fucking tune out of my hands so I, yeah, first world country apparently. Oh man.

What did your teammates have to say about that? Oh, head down gone mate fucking like they literally probably bonded on it swapped numbers

stayed in touch started a whatsapp group they are pals now they've lot like oh joy by the candy forky tantrum man

do you have little tantrums like that in there? I do know. Don't say it to me. Don't say it. What's this? It's a fucking revelation to me.

It's as if you're bestowing me with new vision. Here, Daniel. Inside Scoop, sometimes me, Kai Humphries, throws a little bit

of a bitch fit. Sir, say it ain't so. In all the years we've known each other. It ain't so cool. Unfathomable. Fucking, I can't believe it. This is like earlier on when you were like, I used to play for Blythe Spartans youth football team.

No, not the Blythe Spartans youth football team no not the Blythe Spartans I'm not that good that's no one's parameters of decency in football and I only

trained with them as well I never met the team tell us about what have you sorry tell us what have you rare history

what I'm trying to say is right I think usually I would have had the same conversation but being laughing and affable I would have usually

been like can I make a tuna in my hand how about because it would be fun like I think I would have been a little bit more like that

but I was like where's the manager my name is Kai Karen Karen what was the thing where I said it's my one vice

what was that again the whole bit was was that everything was your one vice everything was my one vice I started off with child porn it's my one vice hell of a voice though

aye but everything else I'm crazy everything else is above board you've been living apart from that what we're doing now we're in Stockholm that's the Stocks and Home what's this bit

that was I was going to tell the story to the listeners about Mark Nelson getting the train back to Glasgow

last train back bit drunk as Mark Nelson tends to be no not Mark Nelson he woke up on the stopped

train panicked and got off because he thought he was home at Glasgow and then watched the train leave

and spent the night in Oxnard which I don't even think the night in Oxnard. Which I don't even think I know where Oxnard is. It's near the Lake District. No, in the Lake District. It's like Cumbria.

For our listeners, the Lake District is the UK's version of the Red Light District. Yep. And Mark just accidentally got off. And then purposefully got off. So we're in Stockholm did you just fart no I sucked my teeth through your butt

I was kissing my teeth like a rude boy so we're in Stockholm we've been to Wrecking Thick we're going to Oslo

we are doing the Scandinavia leg of the tour and me and you clearly had the very same weekend because we both rocked up

the airport like the first day of school both with our new boots on and our new jackets on aye because the amount of times we've gone to Iceland we've fucked it up

so many times it's like fifth times a charm I've literally turned up there with only tracky bottoms and fucking running shoes and I think one hoodie. And it's been like, ah, this will be... And the wind cuts through you

and the fucking one drop of rain that just wets your clothes is fucking enough to just ruin your day. So we're fucking squared ourself away with all kinds of fucking Himalayan hiking gear for one day in Reykjavik. It was lovely and warm. It was.

It was actually palatable. I had to take my jacket off. It was, aye. It was chilly. It was just like a British autumn type of... We didn't get to go out too much. I still need to see so much more of Iceland. Yes.

I just feel like it's not a place where you can really get drunk. I mean, I know you can drunk, but it's so expensive there. You don't want to be mullered wandering around the street looking for your hotel room. Aye. And you also like... It's weird. I don't think that there mustn't be binge drinking in these countries

because, like... Oh, no, the Swedes can. Can they? Because that's a fucking expensive hobby, binge drinking here. Aye. No, the Swedes are one of the very, very few nations that I will say, like, I can keep up with them, but it takes a fair fucking bit. I'd put them top five drinkers.

Just to give you an idea of the fucking exchange rate over here is we've done shares on meals where we took turns paying for a meal that took my round in Oslo and we went to I think

it was Pizza Hut it wasn't even like a fucking high end joint it was like a franchise pizza place

and it comes to the equivalent of 70 pounds for a pizza and drinks soft drinks 70 quid

expect to watch and then you got your run in Poland best two dollar kebabs I've had in my life I fucking totally gear change

when I was in the airport I was looking I've been wearing this little fucking Casio watch and I thought I'll make it humble brag

I'll make it you know the story why I wear this little 7.89 watch because you threw your last watch in the sea apparently so right

well I've lost like so I fell asleep on a beach in Benidorm and I woke up and my watch was gone so someone rifled my body

and then my phone broke the very next day and then Danny texting Natalie saying Kai's phone's broken and he threw his watch

in the sea just because that's that's a funny thing to do so couldn't defend himself couldn't deny it was like text her

text her tell her I didn't throw my watch in the sea and I was like no so she spent two days she said she said she said to you

like just tell him not to contact us for 24 hours I can't be honest with him alright fair because she bought us a watch from me birthday and I fucking threw it in the sea lose my phone she's like just tell them not to contact us for 24 hours, I can't be arsed with them. Fair. She bought us a watch for my birthday and I fucking lose my phone. She was like, just tell them not to bother with us for 24 hours. And I was like, well, baby, I'm getting on the session anyway, so... Best of its all.

I'm like, Natalie, that's like saying you can't quit, you're fired. I'm like, Natalie, that's like saying you can't quit, you're fired. So she was really fucking sound about it, actually, considering she's not long since bought us it. Right. And then she bought us the exact same watch again. What did you do with it? I kind of find it.

Like, I still stand by that it's going to show up. Where? Albufeira. Like, Albufeira is going to come to you like the fucking I still stand by that it's going to show up where Albufeira like Albufeira is going to come to you like the fucking heart of the sea in Moana

it's going to float to the surface I think it's like Thor where like I keep putting my arm out and holding it there but you're not worthy

but just no just not for long enough like I just feel like it just keeps shifting and then I drop my arm and it stops it just comes at quite a slow pace

just every day if you're travelling too much if you were to be in London for two weeks in a row and you were to do it for roughly four hours a day you'd definitely get it back I would just keep

pulling in one direction it's probably it's probably somewhere in the middle of fucking Afghanistan I've pulled it in so it was just

fucking past just like well I guess I'm going to just stop buying this stuff because you just fucking lose she was like, well, I guess I'm going to just stop buying your stuff because you just fucking lose it. And I still need a watch. But I didn't want to buy a nice watch because I'd fucking lose it.

Because you might lose it and that'll cost you money this time as opposed to her. You fucking horrible cunt. Why are you? Why are you doing this? This whole podcast is you trying to tell me I don't love my wife

you don't right I do so what that entire story did was my wife bought me a watch and I lost it so what happened was I made her buy me

a new watch which I then also watched which I then also lost and then as a lesson for me to hopefully learn to be more responsible she went

you can buy your own fucking watch and you went oh good, I'll just buy a cheap one then because I know I'll lose it as opposed to learning a valuable lesson buying the same fucking watch so I bought this little

cheap one to see if I could trust myself to not lose it but you failed the last two tests ah, so that's why I haven't bought a nice watch it's been four years now it's been a year and a half

when did I get Albufeira like April 2018 oh why I was asking myself and then I answered let's keep out of it so it's been like

a year and a half now since I've last lost a watch I mean I've replaced this one once I was about to ask you how you know but you probably timed it so I think it's about time

I'll buy a different one and I know I've put it's that tough to deny and never know what record you've set because every time you think you've set a record you lose the watch

like fuck what was I up to again fuck I've been timing it and I think I've put this in I think there might be An extensive fucking conversation With the same conversation

About people buying Expensive watches right So I go into a shop And like I do this now and again The last few times I've been through Like an airport or somewhere Selling watches

A mall I'll go and have a look At the watches And you'll see one you like And then look at the watches and you'll see one you like and then look at the price and it'll be like fucking whatever

like 380 quid whatever like that's a fucking that's as far as watches go like we're going up with fucking

tens of thousands right and I look at that and it puts us off the price tag because I'm like that's fucking wasted on me

like I want one that looks like that but like costs like 50 quid right because so what I'm what I think I'm getting at

is watches from the price of 50 quid at 5 grand the fuck is the difference right the fuck is the actual difference between that

like even if one's off by a second it's not worth paying an extra fucking 5G to have that second quarter one

I'd rather just every now and again change my watch right what if like oh that one that expensive one the never break

it'll last you forever that watch right what if like I just buy a new one of these every year it's gonna fucking last forever also well it's not gonna

last you forever because you're gonna lose it I've got a finite life aye but also that one's gonna be gone in a year and you're just going to buy a new one. The concept of that watch exists forever. That watch is going to be lost within a year.

So when you buy an expensive watch, are you buying a family heirloom? Or are you buying, like, a status? Like, do some people know what a good watch looks like? Because they've also done that research and somebody says you're watching and oh I see

you've got a I think that's it it's like they do this thing in fucking Sweden where even if you what you can do is you can buy champagne

to just have it in a club to just have it poured down a sink that's what I'm asking is buying an expensive watch doing that can't

like that can't be it like I hope there be it like I hope there's people like I hope there's not people at home that have got

really nice watches offended that that's the suggestion but that's what it feels like it's close to but it's everything with the expensive

car it's like no no no there's a difference an expensive car and a cheap car there's a fucking huge difference when you drive

the two of them but when you boil it down to checking the time you're getting the exact same fucking miles per gallon the exact same speed but they'll argue it down to checking the time you're getting the exact same fucking miles per gallon

the exact same speed I'm not going to argue it's about the intricacy of the fucking cogs and shit like that you know

watch nerd watch shit aye I'm not that guy I just want like a nice watch that looks nice but doesn't cost us a lot of money

aye and one that your wife doesn't get pissed off when you throw it in the sea aye you fucking put a little finger you are trying to get in between me and my marriage first you whisper money. All right. And one that your wife doesn't get pissed off when you throw it in the sea. Aye. You fucking pot a

little finger, you are. You're trying to get in between me and my marriage. First you whisper something to her for a fucking year and a half so I don't ever get to

say it. And then you stay shit on the podcast. Sounds like you're jealous. I've just got to work out of who. What are you doing?

Checking the dates? Yeah, I'm going to, no, I think they're all sold out, so fucking. Remember the watches that changed the TV channel?

No. Right, you could get watches that you could fucking change the TV channel with, you don't have to remember it anymore, I've just told you it exists. Right.

So they were around in the fucking 90s, right, and it was class because they used to put like the TV on and fucking play a video in class

and fucking one of your pals was going obviously not me couldn't afford one and boop and changed the channel and the teacher's like oh what is this

witchcraft so if somebody goes off and has 10 grand Rolex and you go aye but watch boop

change the channel the Rolex just instantly looks shit because you've just done something magical we all watch

and it's like aye it's six it sounds like you're all at James Bond watch that is my theory on

jewellery we've had this conversation before I don't think on the podcast but if I'm spending hundreds of pounds

on an item of jewellery I want to get plus three strength I want to get some fire resistance I want some of pounds on an item of jewellery I want to get plus three strength I want to get some fire resistance I want some kind of fucking magical quality

that comes with me jewellery if you're playing an RPG and you just pick up a fucking thing that doesn't give you any armour bonuses it's a fucking waste of programming

just get that out of the game it's got to add something to your stats so same with a watch if you can get a watch that does shit I was looking for watchie talkies

and talkie I remember I thought it would be really neat if me and you were just like oh Daniel come in just talking to each other on the watch while I'm on stage

just finishing my watch you just hear us laughing we're on to DanielSloss.com also America and Canada you fucking cunts we're on tour DanielSloss.com also America and Canada

you fucking cunts X goes out on Saturday the 2nd of November on HBO at 10pm oh yeah you excited

no please watch because I'm not going to be able to watch I'll be somewhere I'll be in Austria Belgium

I'm going to do the same see you're out of the zone when it comes out aye and then I'm also going to be able to watch I'll be somewhere I'll be in Austria or Belgium I'm going to do the same thing see you're out of the zone when it comes out aye and then I'm also I'm also still doing the show and then also I'm going to do the same thing

I did with Netflix which is just not not go on social media for a few days I find that's the you're going to down it aye I just feel like

yeah down tools aye just go down just let things happen and then come back in right what are the different scenarios right so you're getting a couple of days down right you then come back in right what are the different scenarios right so you're getting a couple of days

down right you can come back on right Jennifer Lawrence has messaged me told me I'm very brave and that she

wants to just one time give me a big kiss aye aye Jack and Piggy would be sad

with that just a big kiss just a big kiss oh aye she would be aye

because that's not a mate if she wasn't aye no she would like that's just not a mate no aye she'd be sad about it she's not a mate if she wasn't aye no she wouldn't like that's just not a mate no aye she'd be excited about it

she'd be like obviously I'm not thrilled at this but I'm also I'm not I'm not gonna be the bitch that doesn't let that happen nah I think Piggy's a good bloke aye

she's a top bloke fuck a good bloke alright she'd be like crack on aye film it maybe she'd probably want to watch erm

so you could come back and like your fucking Twitter population is doubled you're getting like a bunch of nice messages and or like

oh you're fucking woke cunt you're probably going to get a little bit of that right a little trolling a little bit of trollage in that right

which is grand it could be that it's fucking massive you're like fucking overnight superstardom it's just an option I already am

so that's what do you mean I put the super there well and the star and then I get just a dom so

shouldn't have been funny it wasn't I'm glad you're high I hope everyone else is high or imagine you just had like three less followers

it just goes down by three I've got same thing I've got with Netflix no expectations because the getting it's the achievement

so that's the having any other aspirations beyond it would be fucking selfish obviously go on what I would like it to do

but what's the deal with airplane food I cover it in my new special X by Daniel Slott

streaming this Saturday 10pm on HBO. Can you believe they sell luggage at the airport? Isn't it a little bit too late? I'll often have observational thoughts style, observational material style thoughts, and just leave it. But on this one, I'm not going to leave it.

Natalie bought a dish bowl to get in the sink. I've never... I've never been washing dishes and thought, I wish this was smaller and clogged up. It is clogged back and turned. People make good money off that people are

millionaires of outwardly projected those thoughts with confidence Lee Evans was brilliant that's it

fucking remarkable some of them Mickey Flanagan he's built yes Mickey Flanagan was fucking legit though

like oh yeah I think McIntyre and Lee Evans are legit performers I think their topics

are so this is I hate fucking like punching up and critiquing fucking people that are better

than me right but they've aimed that comedy at such a wide audience

that they've probably narrowed down what gives the essence of comedy. Like, you know, Stan Hope isn't going to fucking go down well on the large scheme of things because baby boomers are going to get offended. Aye. Right?

So you're just making sure everybody's okay when you're doing that stuff. So it narrows down what you can talk about, which is, to bring it back around that's what makes them brilliant because with that with those parameters they've still excelled

and been exceptional I also think that McIntyre and Lee Evans both they just got less and less risky towards the end

when they started like McIntyre I remember seeing McIntyre on TV and then getting with McIntyre and watching him do 15 minutes of really fucking funny

filth proper funny filth proper fucking filth sex jokes and I was like the fuck is I've never seen Michael McIntyre do filth

yeah I'd love to see that but the thing is man he's always had that material it was just it was never put on television so when he was

not on television more same thing with Lee Evans I'd love to see Lee Evans they just stopped doing the darkest

stuff because they all did the Comedy Store. They were all Comedy Store fucking heroes. Is the archive there? Because that would be meant, someone that's that good at performing that wasn't worried that your gran's in the room.

That's the thing about it. They're operating with so much decorum. Right. But before, you know, there were definitely plenty of times when fucking Lee Evans and Michael Taylor were younger and they were doing filthy shit. Maybe not dark as we go but definite

cunts and yeah I guarantee you Lee Evans is I'm actually going to look that up I'm going to try and find the

the darker side of more pedestrian mainstream television anyway the special's out spread the fucking word if you've seen the show

I wanted to get big viewers so I can tour more and then inevitably work less and get more money so make me famous please not because I think I deserve the adoration but just because I really want the money

so I can spend more time doing my passion like this podcast and really put my heart and soul into it You finished? Aye Your dad started working overtime this podcast and really put my heart and soul into it. You finished? Aye. Your dad started working overtime as a lollipop lady so occasionally you'll see him on the

roadside doing school holders and night shifts. Your dad shoves a finger up his bum and one in his mouth and then presses them at the same time because he thinks it takes a screenshot. When I pointed out this was not the case he said yeah well explain x-rays. Your dad rolls over more time than your dog, but your mom gives him less biscuits. Your dad wears a police body cam on the bus to school to catch his bullies in the act.

Your dad has a button nose, which is cute until you see him trying to put his shirt on when he's drunk Your dad thinks squirrels are just gay rats I'm listening Your dad has a Harley Davidson which he rides side saddle with his legs crossed Your dad sold his

car engine and floor for Yu-Gi-Oh cards and now has to drive around using his feet like the Flintstones. Your dad read The Taming of the Shrew and by the end of the book he was tamed. Your dad calls his belly button nature's doorbell. There's never anyone in. Your dad has had cosmetic surgery to have a pouch like a kangaroo and he keeps his beers in it. Your dad insists on drinking all drinks like Capri Suns and has a razor-sharpened stainless steel trough that he pierces through the side of any can or bottle.

Your dad goes fishing with his mates but they always sit on the bank of the river while he always gets hooked onto the bait and cast into the water Your dad paints his toenails with a spray paint Does he use a little stenciler or does he just go and fall coverage He just washes the rest off Your dad blew a raspberry

when he was registered on your birth and that's why you're called Your dad says can't get mad, not touching around children Your dad always gets hand-me-down clothes off his little brother who's eight years younger than him

Your dad is actually three mums in a trench coat Your dad puts his thumb in his bum Not taking a screenshot Your dad puts his thumb in his bum and holds his nose when he farts and that's how he's got a big head. I think that's how I wrote those. Aye. Just leave it running while we're quiet.

Just so they know what happens after the cameras go off. Just take it off. Just take silence. Is this your charger or main I'll see you at dinner no thanks

what time are we getting picked up I'm tired of you man we'll take are you looking for a phone don't don't start

while I'm in the room we'll just chuck his before name they're my boots so we're gonna do that aye