Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 3.37 Husband 101

Episode Date: November 1, 2019

Cream commends muggins on his approach to being away from home on his wife's upcoming birthday. They talk drugs and bucket lists on top of a random assortment of other nonsense, you know how this works by now, who reads the blurb?

Sloss and Humphrey's on the road! Muggins and Cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Awww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

It's Muggins and Cream. I'm Muggins. Mm-hmm. Yes. And you're Cream. Mm-hmm. We are. It's 56 days of Christmas.

Is it? I think so. That's what everyone, that's like the Muggle wave is like, it's the people being Muggles on purpose. Aye. Like, oh, now Halloween's gone, it's Christmas. It's right around the purpose. Aye. Like, oh, now Halloween's gone. It's Christmas.

It's right around the corner. Just things. Why don't you just enjoy Christmas? Do you want me to enjoy Christmas? No, just people in general. Just all these people be like, oh, I fucking hate this Christmas crap. I'm like, yeah, just enjoy it, though.

I think I'm getting this year. Just enjoy it. Like, when the music's on, I'd be like, oh, this is cheesy and it's shit. But, you know, it's that time of year that quarter of the year I maybe I think maybe

I get a it's less in my fucking face because I don't have an office job yeah so I don't give a shit I'm not listening to radio we don't listen to radio

I'm not listening to radio all day it's not people I'm not fucking having like conversations in the fucking tea room it's never going to come out of the car is it it's never coming up I'm talking about Christmas conversations in the fucking tea room it's never coming up

I'm talking about Christmas so fucking little so maybe regular people, i.e. scum experience it more frequently than I do we might be the first people for some people to be attacking would it? no, nobody's better than us that would suggest that we weren't the coolest people in the world

and that simply could not be the case yes so that's been the muggle week of the day when I've been scrolling Facebook

it was 56 days till Christmas 56 days till Christmas do you know what you're getting Natalie don't know what I'm getting

it's actually I birthed in a couple of days is it 5th of November I remember I remember the 5th

aye she made a song up for it what the fucking arse is that's unbelievable what the fucking how old is she

going to be fuck they said firework job that's a different question that's a fucking you know what

I remember our birthday but like remember ages keeps changing yeah but once a year

like if I were to ask you the difference between morning and the afternoon, you'd fucking be able to make a distinction between them. And that happens once a day. So I've done some quick maths. Right. No, it wasn't. We had a full conversation while you did the math.

There's nothing quick about that. I finished it, but I just thought I'd let you finish. Right. I'd done the quick maths and then went, right, as soon as he stops, I'll tell him that my maths was quick. 34. She's 34.

And dog years. What would that mean again? Times 7? All right, quick maths. Divided by 7. 34 times 7, do it. What do you mean divided by 7? 5.

34 times 7. If she was a dog, if she was a dog... So 34 dog years, then, and human years, she would be... 210 or 35. 210? You've got that right 30 35 multiplied by

7 yeah yeah you are and then divided by 7 takes it down to 5 quick maths

you are that's not a new segment of the show but you and I slowly do math you make me lose confidence in my correct math because you look at me like

I don't fucking know I'm like oh god so ladies and gentlemen if you want quick maths to be a part of the show then please write in on an envelope just write it on the envelope

write it on the envelope keep quick maths please and send that to one moon avenue the moon just quick maths the postman that gets Warren Moon Avenue the moon just quick maths the postman that gets that is going to be so pissed off

he's like oh fucking I took I took the postman's vow I put my hand on the phone book and I swear to legions to deliver the post

to whoever it was he goes he says goodbye to his wife he's one off, but he's got three months to train, obviously. Fucking going into the big office. Unfortunately, there is enough stamps.

There is enough stamps. He's tied. He's tied by policy. He's tied by the pre-release. He's tied by policy. Like, look, they put ten stamps on. The only thing you can think to do is put AT in his basket. But he's out of office so she's 34 who

oh Natalie sorry I forgot we were having a conversation you're like E.T. I'm like is she fucking looks she does look bad

for her age she does not no E.T. Natalie doesn't look bad for her age. She does not. No, E.T. Natalie doesn't look good for her age. She looks good in general. Oh, fuck. Jesus fucking Christ. That's what that is.

That was fucking hoaching. That was lush. That's fucking... That's probably a nice thing to say. Nah, you don't... You don't say it to your mate about your bird. You say it to your bird in private like a decent human being. You don't say it to a mate when the bird's not here

just in the knowledge that she's going to listen to it. You don't get to score points with me for the future. That's fucking rancid. That's to be rude. You can't alley-oop yourself off of my fucking body to get your dick sucked, you piece of shit. Fucking passing it off the wall like it's indoor your dick sucked you piece of shit fucking passing it off the wall

like it's indoor football fuck you absolutely not like you it shouldn't be as if I'm going to agree with you as well

like what yeah what a fucking horrible social situation to put someone in you rancid bastard I just I just I just

I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just

I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just

I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just

I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just

I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just

I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just

I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I'm just saying how I feel nah she's in good nick fucking text her that don't bring it up into my conference I don't want to think about it

well the day the other day I brought a picture of you you were I can't stop laughing you were waiting for your

luggage to be scanned and come through and I fucking come through the metal detector and you just stood there waiting for your stuff and I come up

and put my arm around you and went alright buddy this is me and you just stood there waiting for your stuff and I come up and put my arm around you and went, alright buddy, this is me, me. And you're like, fucking never do that again. It's just such an inhuman, it's not inhuman, but it's just not. That's not the type, because here's the thing, what you're doing is people, people who don't know our situations, so they'll see you doing that to me and they'll be like, aw, those guys are good friends. I don't want anyone thinking that.

I don't want anyone looking at me going, aw, fuck that. No, you don't get to force other people looking at me like that on me. You know what would be even funnier? If people who listen to the podcast were looking over there going, aw, look at this,

a little bit of cream from a good time. Just two bros just travelling around you're fucking livid what's it on? I'll just sort of try it out it's the same it's the same level

of fucking it was the same level of rage I feel whenever a taxi driver asks me how my day is again how's your day oh none of your business that day

that driver yesterday was like Chabba Joes he was like cutting journalism. Because he was aware of you and he knew your stuff, so I think he was excited to meet you and stuff. But he should have just contained his excitement a little bit

and give you some privacy. Because you were really pleasant with him and all that, but after a while I was thinking... He was driving and I was like, what makes you think he's not actually just doing something on his phone? I felt a bit, felt a bit bad for you, that you were just getting grilled, the whole journey.

There's times when it's on my fucking terms that I meet fans, which I've got no problem with, like I've signed up to that, and it's a difficult thing because at the end of the day, being famous is great, and the advantage of it are tenfold, so if the price of that is people talk to you all the time and they want to know

things about you it's a very small price to pay for lots of fucking benefits it's really close to that in the majority of the time but you know when you're

like receiving a service off someone you want to be providing a service also you want it to be like just fucking mutually bonded into the service that only one of you

is paying for unfortunately I was high so so you managed that, right? No, I just forgot about it immediately after. So we were in Copenhagen yesterday. That's not answering my question. We're getting Ali for a birthday.

Oh, right. So I got a Les Mis concert ticket. Do you know what that means? You know how Les Mis is a show? I do. They put a concert on of it where they didn't do the show. They just sing the song. They just sing the song they just sing the song

even though the entire musical is just a fucking song all the way through so it's just it's just it without the acting she's listening to

the audio version of a movie but honestly it's like fucking catnip for her like I honestly I like Liam is I think it's alright

I like it more that she buzzes off it like it's probably easier for her to come to a I like it more that she buzzes off it. Like, it's probably easier for her to come to a match with me now that I'm fucking properly into the game. Right? You know, like, if I was just sat there, just, meh. Aye. She'd probably not get into football.

But she gets into football because, like, she's getting... So I like that. Like, I'm there watching it with her. I think it's the same. That's why Piggy gets into sex. Because you like it. Because I'm so into it. But she'll be there with this fucking massive smile on her face,

like fucking clapping her fingertips together, like fucking, something's about to happen. And fucking, it's just so excitable that like, I fully get behind it. So she went to watch this concert with one of her pals and fucking loved it.

Like I don't know how much more different it was to the original one, but she was fucking over the moon and then our parents were coming down she was like i really want to take them but i kind of justify fucking going again the same thing in one week so i bought her a ticket for that so she can go on again with her parents and kind of expensive so uh i felt really fucking bad that like not bad because i've spent probably ended up spending the equivalent or more than what i would have normally spent on a present and um because it's fucking expensive

and then i just felt bad that like i'm away on a birthday and i haven't got anything yet so um tenor dick pic so with a quit strapped to it um We're eating your pan Oh here we go Husband of the year Kai Humphries back in the room Thanks If you haven't listened to our podcast before This is a regular segment we do Where Kai Humphries just comes on

To speak to our listeners About how to be a better partner in general Just by setting such high examples Of what it means to be a good person And a good husband Not just husband let's not make it gender specific

but sorry I've interrupted esteemed guest passed me the ear can't have this continue your point so you bought her a pan we've got like this

non-stick wok right and the non-stick bits come off it so every now and again like you get black bits in your eggs or whatever like ah the black bits

coming off and then we'll put it in the dishwasher foolishly and that fucking bitch which is why which is where the problem started

but you know we've been persevering with this pan so thought I'll send a pan she's not expecting it pan on the live she'll go ah fucking sweet

I need a pan it's not a birthday as such I put it on a thing like fucking like this is probably a romantic gift by the way

open it slowly but also I felt like bad just in a pattern oh did you good right just so I do I'm so angry

where you were morally I'm glad you said that because up until now I'll be honest with you no one of me and the listeners thought that that would have

crossed your fucking mind that realisation so em I couldn't I couldn't pick one you fucking sexist get back in the kitchen is it so I couldn't it's not pink when you're fucking sexist get back in the kitchen is it so I couldn't

pig look pig look I bought a pan because she needs a pan right this is like I'm just doing her a solid you know what I mean

it's like doing her a favour but getting her a pan fucking hell one of my mates stopped doing your vows one of my Geordie mates right fucking on his last birthday

borrowed a car right filled it with petrol bought it back happy birthday baby I've filled your car with petrol bought it back what happy birthday beer we have filled the car with petrol should have been

fucking chuffed with that right but our lads were just like you bought a bit of petrol for Christmas for our birthday was that the full present aye

no fucking full tank 70 pound I don't what part of that story is true it was I'm sure was he that Chris Dawson or Andrew Dyer so I think the only present I don't... What part of that story is true? It was... I'm sure it was either Chris Dawson or Andrew Dyer,

so I think they might have... The only present... I think it might have been Dyer. It was the main present. He filled their car up with petrol. Well, it's got to have been Chris Dawson, right? It's got to have been, because Chris Dawson's the same bloke

who, on Valentine's Day, had borrowed his car, the one I eventually ended up buying, remember the last time I had it? And you filled it up for him, and he was like, fucking hell, car hell cars flirt Jesus Christ it's not even my birthday

because my car was knackered I had been borrowing his and that's what led us to buy it and I dropped in his car and I dropped off his keys and when I went in him and his missus were sat he was dressed up nice and smart because I think he was expecting it to be a bigger occasion than it was on Valentine's Day and she was in her pyjamas and they were eating

I think it was like turkey, dinosaurs and she was in her pyjamas. And they were eating, I think it was like turkey, dinosaurs and chips off an iron board. In a car? And I dropped the car off, went to the house and they've got an iron board set up with like a little table

and I sat there and he's like fucking dressed up with a name machine in her pyjamas and all that. I was like, here's your cockies. Geordie's a classmate. Wow! So, hold on. okay Tony's our classmate well so

hold on so I didn't just want to like send a plan but never mind she's not no I get it I need to know the answer

to the question was his main birthday present to his girlfriend he filled her car up with petrol well I'm going to say yes I honestly don't think most of you people should be allowed to vote I'm going to say that his main birthday present to his girlfriend he filled her car up with petrol well yeah i'm gonna say yes i honestly don't think most of you people should be allowed to vote i'm gonna say i'm gonna say yes because i don't remember any of the rest of that story i don't remember as much as i don't

like austerity i also don't think most of the people you come from i think tank the pedals a nice treat i mean look don't get me wrong. It's a lovely gesture. I'm not here to question how, like, if somebody fills up your car with petrol, you're like, fucking yas, man. If it's the man whose dick you suck. And it's the only fucking thing he got you on your birthday when you know full well fucking Janet's boyfriend got her fucking new rims in the car or fucking a vajazzle or whatever it is, fucking weird gifts, passes, fucking a

jenny can full of fucking petrol, whatever it is. She can't just go in there, what did your husband get you? Well, look out the window, look how I got here. Didn't do the bus pass today, money bags, got us a full kind of unleaded. Fuck that. And then the girl she tells it to goes home and hits her husband and goes why is Chris

by his girlfriend all the nice stuff he's got a full tank of petrol here's me running on fumes I'll get my feet to the bottom of the car like I'm fucking Simpsons I'll look like a fool

Patrick a fool I dip the clutch on hills so yes even though I've got it so just so that Natalie understands Butcheron Hills. So yes. Even though I bought it. So just so that Natalie understands the...

She's probably going to hear this before the fucking presents arrive as well so well done. Spoiler of the pan. Thanks for that by the way. But now she's going to be sitting in her car just watching it being like

fucking two bars only half full. Well Natalie tune out if you don't want to know what else you're getting. You don't have to tell her what the point is. No, now she only half full. Well, Natalie, tune out if you don't want to know what else you're getting. You don't have to tell. No, I'm actually going to tune out. All right.

And then listen to it after. Oh, so for a card. But this isn't even like a spoiler alert. Spoiler alerts are for like, hey, this movie came out and I've seen it before you all. I saw Avengers two days before the rest of you. But what actually happens, the movie is not out. You broke into the studio. No, you're the director.

This is like the Russell brothers coming out and going, Iron Man dies. And you go, wow, Iron Man dies. The movie's out next week. Go see Avengers Endgame. But it's not because we've got people invested in this now. There's people who are probably

there's probably people who are waiting outside of work and they've got to clock in in a minute and they're like will you fucking hurry up and say what you gotta. Oh the three.

So we're sat there watching I think it must have been fucking an advert come on. I didn't know what I was watching. Right.

Right. And Natalie went ooh they're cool. i noted there's two black people in the advert absolutely noted it she's getting two black guys um ninja air fryer oh what ninja air fryer i don't even know what it is myself but you fucking probably picked up what a ninja air fryer come on the telly i guess it's like a fucking nit right just just so i know all three words that you're saying in order ninja I picked up what a ninja air fryer come on the telly. I guess it's like a fucking... Right.

Just so I know, all three words that you're saying in order. Ninja. That's the brand. All right, cool. The crucial bit of information because already my expectations have subverted,

almost reversed. So, branded. It's nothing to do with actual ninjas. Nah. Right. Right. So just say... Because that sounded really cool as a

good thing you're like you're gonna have a fucking ninja air fryer aye so you bought her an air fryer

still exciting I don't know what that is my Scottish mind puts me to you hold something in front of like an advanced version

of a fan and it deep fries it but if that existed I would yes it deep fries it in the air in the air

does it fuck something like that no it doesn't flash fries it in the air in the air does it fuck something like that no it doesn't flash fries it in the air in the air while you hold it no no you put it in it's like a slow cooker

type thing put the lid on your chicken and air deep fries it and air fries it no apparently so and a ninja does it hmm

hmm I guess it's like ninja because it's like fucking how the fuck did that happen I just smoke out all those pop a smoke bomb and left

So yeah I got all them things As like little bonus gifts Because I've already got a A gift But I just Wanted to have something Up another day

That's fucking sexy She's got a bunch of kitchen things So I'm gonna have Bought her some marigolds So I'm gonna She doesn't have to take her wedding ring off Paying money to lucky old you I'm gonna get a reaction Bought her some marigolds. So I'm going to... And so she doesn't have to take her wedding ring off, paying money to lucky old you.

I'm going to get a reaction video off you. Of what? Not a video, because it's a podcast. So, Natalie, do you know she keeps doing this thing where she triple taps the power button on her phone? Do you know about it? No. So she triple taps the power button on her phone by accident.

And what it does is it sends me an SOS text message. It sends me her location. It sends a text saying, I need help. It sends a little audio and it sends a picture. It takes a photo with a front-facing camera. So this is like if she were to be kidnapped. You tap the button three times. Tap the button three times.

And then what it does, it'll take a photo of this and then it'll hopefully give a police clue about where her body's buried and an audio recording of the guy who's murdering her saying I'm Daniel Sloss and I'm here to murder you and the location of where

I threw the phone in the river is where she'd write a couple of lines so she's got that feature on her phone but she only ever uses it to cry wolf and I didn't want to be

the one that doesn't respond to the time she needs it right here wolf and I like I didn't want to be the one that like doesn't respond to the time she needs it right here's the first question I have

how many times is this alarm going off so quite a few I'm gonna say in the last six months four times

way too many right so that would be like if your phone accidentally dialed 999 I'm pretty sure

after the third attempt they'd go you're not allowed that phone anymore you're not like we're gonna take the nine like if your phone accidentally dialed 999 I'm pretty sure after the third attempt they'd go you're not allowed that phone anymore you're not allowed we're going to take the 9 off of your phone yep

and you're literally going to have to cry like a wolf in the future for us to come get you absolutely so all four times I have responded like it's an actual

fucking problem sometimes I'll be fucking fast asleep in a different time zone right and now all of a sudden I'm out of bed I'm wide awake I'm falling off friends I'm fucking figuring out I'll be fucking fast asleep in a different time zone, right? And now all of a sudden I'm out of bed, I'm wide awake, I'm falling off friends, I'm fucking figuring

out... I've just been like, Natalie's dead, do you want to get together? Figuring out off Kirsty's Instagram that fucking, she's still alive because I can see her dancing in the background and that was three seconds ago. So I've

basically taken a couple of the photos. and that was three seconds ago. Just for that. So, I've, basically, taken a couple of the photos. Great. And made a moon pig out of it. Because, I mentioned before, Natalie looks really good. And you didn't like that.

And that's why you said it earlier, because you knew this. I wasn't setting it up, but it does set it up. It does seem. Yeah, it was a nice one. It seems like you knew you were going to't setting it up, but it does, it does set it up. It does seem. Yeah, it was a nice one. It seems like you knew

you were going to say that your wife was serious so earlier on in the podcast and got away with it. You set up a specific and oddly pointed out moment where you specifically pointed out how beautiful she was.

I'm just telling you how I perceived it. Wait a minute, let's put up your wave. Right. Oh no. Oh God, that. Oh, God. Have you ever seen the meme of the old man

who sent a picture of his dick to someone being like, I sent you a picture of my dick, please respond. I'll do a reaction video of you. Suddenly realising how spot on this meme is. So, right, we'll stay on this photo for now. Because the other two, as you can see, there's the one, one was just the floor, one's a cup of tea, one's the ceiling.

Oh, fucking hell, actually, there's loads. I take it back, there's way more than four. I'm up to six already, seven. Right, here you go. This is back in December, seven of them. I'll tell you right, you put this caption over that image and sent it down

like it's the funniest thing in the world. Just if you're on Google. What have they got to say to find the picture? I showed you my penis, please respond. It's a very, very funny meme.

Ah, that's been good. So look at that, I'm just going to scroll for you how many fucking times it's sent the picture. Oh my God. So more than four. So each one of them is like, fuck it my god so more than four so each one of them

is like fuck it yeah more than four I don't think she should be allowed this feature look at that one oh my god it's just for the listeners which is all of you

it's just her smiling like beaker from the Muppets which is hypocritical of me to bring that up but it's just somehow like a chin is part of her neck like I don't know how she's done it's part of her neck like I don't know

how she's done it which chin and which neck I honestly don't know how she's done it she looks like all the little characters from Bob's Burgers

which is because she's got like Natalie's just been fucking blessed with like just looking good in every photo oh here we go

digging himself out do you want another shovel day no she's photogenic but somehow is she fuck but somehow when she's photogenic. But somehow... Is she fucked? But somehow,

when she's in grave danger, she doesn't look that good. I think she should take that off of her phone. Or change the button combination. Yeah. Like, if you've prank phone called someone that many fucking times

to, I'm about to get murdered and pillaged, then, I think she's playing with fire. It's not, isn't it? I think Kat gets

the same messages as well. I think both of us are set up as responders, so, eh, I should just probably, like,

work shifts with Kat. Just kind of, like, every even number I'll sort it but I sent her a moon pig with those two just thought like

fucking she scared me I'll scare the fucking burglars I'm such a romantic so how do you think I've done it a 10 for her birthday

for the frying pan for right so what you got for her for her birthday and Christmas was you got her layman's tickets

which is fine good but to be fair you did complain about the price of it for a solid five minutes oh no it's like look

here we go I didn't mean spending that much on me they can rewind until you complain about the price if they want they don't need to hear it I really didn't mean spending that much on me wife they can rewind until you complain about the price if they want

they don't need to hear it again I really didn't mean spending that much on me wife because I just feel like I could

have gotten a bit more bang for my buck with a birthday present you know what I mean more rewards but like

but she obviously doesn't like she's fucking delightful sorry to answer your question do I think you did a good

job of buying her a frying pan and then telling her how to not listen to the podcast for five minutes think you did a good job of buying her a frying pan and then telling her to not listen to the podcast for five minutes before you then talked about how hideous she was

I'm going to say on the scale of of Guy Humphries well great so that's another solid ten out of ten yes

woo always been on top aye fucking Jesus Christ aye and you do got a bad mate as well I've been

I've been on 2OU since I got married aye a year and a bit ago aye so's mate I think I'm I think I'm doing it

right from afar I'm keeping it alive aye I think that's an advantage to doing because neither of our partners really get to see the real us just on the podcast

just get to keep me I don't think Peggy listens to this does she though? yeah bitch I always find it strange when people are like that close to you to ever listen to it

because if they had a thing I would 100% listen to it would you? if Natalie had a podcast I'd fucking love that aww you're a bear I would

look if I was they kept me doing it 20 minutes no I would I would fucking love to I would love to hear it like you know em

aye I totally would and like Jean for instance Jean doesn't listen to our podcast no she doesn't however

we're like fucking 10,000 miles apart from each other for the majority of the time it would be a nice way for her to keep up

like if Jean had a podcast I would fucking totally tune in for that I'd listen to Jean's podcast I'm just saying

I wouldn't listen to Natalie no because I'll talk to Natalie I just don't I don't I don't think I don't think she'd enjoy

having a podcast I just don't remember when she phoned up mid podcast and you said something racist to the answer

and she hung up on you so for me I think the reason I wouldn't enjoy Natalie's podcast isn't because I'm not interested in what Natalie has to say I absolutely am

she would crumble that's why I would hear her I would hear her being uncomfortable not wanting to do the thing and then in the same way

that as much as I sort of say I love watching comics die I actually can't watch comics die a lot of the time like I am just too because I know what that's like so even like

the first thing watching a comic die or a new comedian die as much for like 30 seconds you're like ha you're like oh no no

I do remember that that's shite you can just hear it in the voice the fear I reckon I'd pick that that's shite you can hear it in the voice the fear I reckon I'd pick that up from Natalie's on a fucking podcast

yeah that is true and also it'd be a fucking lamest podcast I'm not listening to that shit I think the reason that I would want to hear it right is because she occasionally

like if she's usually if she's angry with something she'll leave us voice memos instead of text messages so she can put a rant in there if Natalie's podcast was a rant it's fucking little areas right if that was Natalie's

if Natalie's podcast was a rant it's pressing recall when she was pissed off at something she's usually about to burst into tears whilst manically laughing

and it's fucking the property crackers up right she has a cycle belongs in the loony bin if you ask me the loony bin right

morbid mental morbid mental is that was there a mental that's there that's there well I guess they're probably Belongs in the loony bin if you ask me. The loony bin. Right. Morpeth mental. Morpeth mental. Was it a mental? That's the... Well, I guess they probably didn't call it Morpeth mental anymore just because it's a bit insensitive, isn't it? Right. But that's what it was.

Morpeth. That's what it was always known as. The loony bin. The men in white coats are going to come and take you. But like, you know. Do you know why we have the word loony? Loony. Lunatic. The moon. Luna. Yep. I reverse engineered that one. Right. going to come and take you but like you know do you know why we have the word loony loony lunatic

the moon luna yeah a reverse engineer that one alright so did they at the time actually

did they no no there's loads of stuff reverse engineered though that's past as fact like I think yours was reverse engineered

no it wasn't why is brass why is brass why is brass mean prostitute brass door brass door whore now

brass door is not a thing like there is brass doors but they're on fucking temples and that like it's not it's not a common place like outlaws and pears

and fucking tin baths and all that like it's not brass door is not like no well I didn't come up with the thing no no I think

you reverse engineered I didn't I don't know I've been I went on I think it was actually so why don't you

take over him it's a brass flute prostitute no brass nail tail brass hank

skank but they're they're the they're the two I think it's brass they're the two main ones that are online because two No I think it's Brass They're the two main ones That are online Cause I like

No I think it's Brass Hex Twerker Brass Hex Twerker Oh That's Yeah That's one where it comes from

Council Housing Violent For Charles Non-agreeable Delinquent Both Reverse Engineered I know those ones Fuck And then it turns out. Both reverse engineered. I know those ones.

Fuck. And then it turns out like the reverse engineer way is the better way. Oh, there's that one there. Did we talk about the fucking bucket list thing? Oh, yeah.

Fuck. That actually bothered me a bit and I did go digging around the internet looking. All right, so here's a fact that is going to annoy a lot of people because they're going to claim

it's not a fact. Much like we claimed it wasn't a fact and then that is going to annoy a lot of people because they're going to claim it's not a fact, much like we claimed it wasn't a fact, and then you're going to do the same research that we did and then also find out that it is true and it's very hard to disprove. Let's play a little game first where I'll ask a question just now and you just answer, right? So that number's in your head, right? What year do you think

the term bucket list came into play do you think it was like BC do you think it was like 500 AD do you think it was

recent do you think it was in the 1800s do you think it was modern era what year do you think the term bucket list i.e. or how long do you think you've known the term bucket list

yeah have you known it all your life is it something that you were talking about in school? No. Some of you are going to be smug wee cunts and be like, no, I just didn't get it

until later on in life. But if most of you are like us, you go, I've obviously known that term for most of my life. Yeah, I've known it all my life. I'm 36. And I can say like,

I had stuff on my bucket list in my teens. Yeah. No, you didn't. Turns out I didn't. You did not. Bucket list, the term, has only been a phrase bucket list in my teens yeah no you didn't turns out I didn't you did not bucket bucket list the term

was has only been a phrase since fucking that's not the right one since the movie since the movie since the movie

bucket list 2007 2007 the movie bucket list is the first ever recorded usage of somebody saying

because they can check like google records before then of how often words were searched and before the movie The Bucket List with Robert De Niro

and Morgan Freeman the movie that none of us have watched by the way why haven't I watched it it seems like such a good premise such a good cast why the fuck

have none of us watched it no it's not on my bucket list it's not on my bucket list but I could swear right so when you told me 2007 I was like hell no because I swear right So when you told me 2007 I was like Hell no

Because I swear that like When I Talk about doing stand up I'm like Oh it was on my bucket list Aye Right It was on my bucket list

To get up and do a stand up gig Like I didn't particularly think It was going to be a career But it was on my bucket list To give it a go Turns out I started at the same time As the term bucket list

Aye Or it probably existed before then but it was called something else or we didn't have a fucking name for it and we've just

falsely planted the memory of saying it in our own fucking head because you've always thought like oh I want to drive route 66 yeah the concept

has always existed yeah did you have a bucket list have I got a bucket list fucking man like I keep ticking stuff up my bucket list I didn't even fucking list fucking man like I keep ticking stuff up

my bucket list I didn't even fucking put on it it's class we keep doing loads of mad shit so it's pointless making one

you're just like you know what just fucking stay on the roller coaster stop trying to choose directions I always feel fucking spoiled already

like people go what are your dreams you go live in them like anything else would just be fucking selfish at this point aye

like even if fucking the player were doing that I would just be fucking selfish at this point. Aye. Like, even if fucking the player were doing that, I would just be like, that's being classed, that. Aye. If I was to die young,

it's about as disappointing as I'd be, because I've got, you know, there's still so much drugs to do in the world, and so many things to say and whatnot,

but, yeah, fucking aye, very good run. High, definitely a high score. Yeah. Okay,

bucket list, yeah, let's, let's chuck okay bucket list yeah let's chuck a bucket list together I want to go watch World Cup game oh World Cup game

alright Skydiving not done that yet I've done that Skydiving is like it's such a cliche one but it's like it's

fucking awesome like it's such a good thing to do like a unique experience. I have a professional fight but an amateur bout or something but time's ticking on us for that. I know I can probably still at 40 and then I can match this up with someone

in my own years. I think I'd like to get in the ring and fight Muay Thai. I guess flying a plane. Oh, you've not done that no I've done it loads alright

ISIS kamikaze actually alright it's a terrible job I just whacked it off I don't understand every time every time I

every time I come back to get my kamikaze grade he gives me an F I don't know what the big fucking deal is it's just bullshit it's like it's just,

I require vindication. It's fucking, you know, Steve Pastey's dead. How's that fair? I'd like to have sex with David Attenborough. Ah,

time's ticking on that now. It really is. It's fucking mad. What's good, what's good is it's been is it's been... Yeah, it's... It's been ticking for years.

What? On David Attenborough, right? He's us. He's us. It's been ticking. David Attenborough has been like, oh, no, I really didn't want it with Gann,

but it's got to be soon. I've been like, that's for as long as I've been alive. And it's like 36 new. Like, it should get to the point where if anything happens to him you can well you know what

I got an extra 20 years I wasn't expecting but if anything did happen to him I think I'd be a wreck he's one of the ones I don't know if I'd be a wreck but you would or a wreck

I do think you'd just you'd suddenly realise fuck I didn't realise how big a you know big an impact that person you know had on my life Steve Irwin

that fucking devastated me when he died David also died me fucking Ryan Dunn Ryan Dunn that was my Diana I was like

Diana you know jackass because she was because he was killed by the prayers the queen did it the queen did it

like I think I would have been most affected by Tupac's death if I didn't get into him after he died. Aye. Like, how do you say this word? Post-hummus. Post-hummus. Post-hummus, aye.

Post-hummus. Post-hummus is after you've eaten hummus it's a starter fucking fuck you Post Hummus is when Maddy went missing

actually just before they went to check on her I'll tell you what other celebrity devs have found Jeffrey Epstein the memes are class

so always wear from dying for the memes and from dying no no but I didn't want him to die I wanted him to that's why he's dead

you want the canary to be dying that's one of the ones where I've spoken about on the podcast so many times I fucking hate conspiracy theories

I think like the rudest this one isn't even a conspiracy theory it just happened in front of it aye but that's what they say about

everything else that's what they say about everything else yes and it's just like because obviously you know you know

maybe he did you know he'd kill himself he was going to go to jail for a fucking long time like he was you know but he just you know he'd kill himself he was gonna go to jail for a fucking long time like he was you know but he just didn't

kill himself or did he man if he did kill himself that might have been the fucking he might have done that with that in mind

he might have been thinking like fuck I wasn't gonna kill myself but I've got this opportunity here this god's a fucking

bellend like he's turned his back right if I kill myself now this is gonna to be looking like the most suspicious shit in the world that's going to blow

everything out of the water so he might have actually killed himself just so that fucking everybody in the world fucking throws their attention at it his last words were

yippee-ki-yay motherfucker just like that bit in Die Hard 4 where Bruce Willis shoots himself his last words were it was Rebecca Vardy's account but no one was there

to hear it which is the modern day philosophy actually yes what this library just affected you let me think

Nate Dogg he was the chorus of my youth but like I didn't really have like I didn't have a I didn't have a connection with him that it would affect I would be like

oh my god I fucking really enjoyed all his work but like I couldn't tell you about like his politics his philosophies

he's like he could be an asshole for all I know I know like literally it's not like I watch interviews of Nate Dogg you know I remember him

being backstage on the Open Smoke Tour I'd give him with camera a bit of lip but yeah clearly have some harvard resentment for so like i really fucking cheeky jappies I really enjoy his body of work but I like his body of work

still there and I didn't have the loss of like the effect he had on us David Bowie I didn't I wish I

I saw people devastated by the death of Bowie and I don't I don't I don't know he was brilliant as Nikola Tesla

in The Prestige yeah but that's your that's who David Bowie is to you that's who David Bowie is to you. That's who David Bowie is to me. I'm not into music. I could probably... If you were to put on a David Bowie song,

I'd probably go, all right, I do know this one. But if you were to ask me to name any David Bowie song, couldn't it? Nah. Man on the Moon. No, wait. That's Michael Jackson.

You're actually going to make a fool of yourself and try and do it. I don't know. Because I can't even correct it. Honestly, I've never really fucking paid much attention to this. But man, there's people who listen to this podcast who will be furious at the concept of this. Yeah. Because David Bowie meant so fucking much to them.

And what I say to you is, for me, that person is Ryan Dunn. And if you're choking up going, if you're choking up like, I don't even know any of his stunts no well well then you

and me are no different buddy boy we are two somebody died the other day that was a big part of me

childhood adolescent years are you granddad no that was earlier Craig's dad from Friday yeah he come

in my house you eat all the pigs feet I've not seen Craig you know it's a he died and I was like oh fucking

but again it's like oh I used to watch him when like so it meant something to this from a time but like I didn't have

producer Neil only became a fan of producer Neil after he died after Chris Thomas aye and he did a lot of Thomas mmm em I feel like

fucking left out because his was then again maybe part of me I'm glad I fucking missed it because I'm fucking really like his fucking stand up

and I reckon had I been a fan of his stand up and then he died would have been devastating but the fact that I discovered after him dead I didn't have to go through that trauma

that's my Tupac situation aye and my Patrice O'Neill situation if Bill Burr died aye gutted erm I think Eminem dying

oh aye that'd be shite that's gonna be a big day because I've got one of his erm I've got one of his fucking selling out of his trunks Infinite albums

from before he was famous on vinyl so when he dies it's gonna be sad but fuck I'm chitching I'm going all the way to the bank

Adam Sandler would crush people a lot more than they'd realise yeah I think actually he'll get properly immortalised

as the talent that he is thanks to that last special I think he definitely will and because his back catalogue of work will rise to the top

instead of the most recent stuff being he's just a man being silly with his friends yes a man being silly with his friends. Yes. A man being silly with his friend.

Oh. Don't! No! That was nice, Danny. Oh, yeah. I don't... Fucking... Is this an affectionate boy?

I will not use the fuck out. Yesterday, we were in Copenhagen we went to the Bastard Cafe because it's somewhat of a tradition to go to the Bastard Cafe

spend three hours learning a game and then 45 minutes playing it and then because we've only had 45 minutes of playing it after so much learning it

we have to go out and buy it we did this with Dobble it didn't take us three hours to learn but we did spend a lot of time

playing it Raptors was a fucking great one where one played the Raptor it was a good two player

only game and this game King of Tokyo King of Tokyo and Walking Dead Risk we also did yep so

this one Orcs, Orcs, Orcs Orcs, Orcs, Orcs is a 2 to 6 player god we're such god honestly just to interrupt for the time

we we are such fucking virgins man nah but we've got hot birds and no but

like honestly really just I just had an out of body experience when I looked to you and me in a hotel room lying on a bed

talking about board games talking about board games earnestly and we are going to go out and buy it we're going to go out and buy that game and we're going to

have the time of our life and we're going to talk about it on a podcast that people listen to which is honestly do you know that the fact that my deck's ever been in anyone's

mind is a miracle it's so fucking liberating though to just be able to just be that you are because I mean when I was like between my first cuz a first girlfriend and second girlfriend both lasting about four years in that spell in between when I was single we've been talking about this is not actually no there's a good year in between but in that year in that year sometimes I felt like a loser just sat in my house

playing on my Playstation like oh this isn't going to get you late is it I'd have that feeling where like I'm doing the thing I wanted to do

but feeling like oh but this isn't cool you're 22 you're just fucking in the hospital but that was fucking cool

it would have been cool if I just went this is class I'm playing fucking games and obligations in my life I think the older you get I think the older you get you suddenly

either one or two things happens either the importance of being cool starts to mean less to you or the older you get you realise that the concept of cool

doesn't actually exist yeah I think most of the time when you're young it's a perception the reason parents are the most embarrassing the older you get you realise that the concept of cool doesn't actually exist yeah because I think most of the time when you're young it's a perception the reason parents are the most embarrassing people in the world

is because to them it's the funniest thing in the world to embarrass their kids because they're like oh my god look how easily look how fucking

this kid thinks that's cool like man I used to get my mum to dye my fucking hair fucking like metallic blue because I was like this is cool my mum's sniggering

her fucking ass off being like he thinks this is cool I had's sniggering her fucking ass off being like he thinks this is cool I had to buy him a Lincoln Park jeans he thinks he's cool she's dying laughing so she's not there

where you're putting the blue in your hair having a laugh going oh my god this is going to be so silly when I've got blue hair you're like mean mugging

you're a part of mean mugging looking in the mirror going oh look at that guy and then the only even stuff now I know there's still stuff there I go that's a cool thing that's nothing and I look at that guy. Even stuff now, I know,

there's still stuff there I go, that's a cool thing, that's nothing. And I look at people who are cool who just laugh. Because look, every person over the age

of 65, not every person, but they all become a bit mental at one point. They start wearing whatever the fuck they want to. They stop giving a shit.

They all become racist. I think there's just a point where being cool as a concept stops existing or you stop giving a shit maybe, smoking's cool though smoking is cool, that's what sucks

drugs are cool? drugs are very cool sunglasses, cool sunglasses are cool? is that the biggest cliche ever? nah they're not you look fucking cool in a pair of shades, I'm sorry but you do no some people do it's like saying hats are cool. No. Is that the biggest cliche ever? Nah, they're not. You look fucking cool in a pair of shades. I'm sorry, but you do.

No, some people do. No, no. It's like saying hats are cool. Hats aren't cool to either of us, but hats are cool to some people. In the same way that suits aren't cool to some people. Drugs are cool. To everybody.

Booze is cool. Across the board. Underage drinking is cool. No, drugs aren't cool to everybody. We're talking about that ilk of person portrayed by the doctor in Brassic

oh I was going to say you got any of the old fucking McNulty yeah I watched the whole of Brassic without realising that was McNulty

he's a fucking brilliant actor yes aye aye some people do ruin drugs but the thing is

not everyone uses drugs it's such a small portion of society that in general it's still it's still full I was thinking in a world where

everybody's inclusive and everybody's like doing their best not to offend anyone how much drug shaming there is how like imagine right

like you talk about fat shaming right but you don't have to go into a toilet cubicle to eat a cake fuck man if you had to scurry off so not to get fucking imagine you just racked up Imagine, right, like, you talk about fat shaming, right, but you don't have to go into a toilet cubicle to eat a cake. Fuck, man, if you had to scurry off so not to get fucking... Imagine you just racked up in the middle of the fucking pub. The amount of fucking shit you get off people.

And all you want to do is just fucking piss them off a little bit. Like, fucking absolute shaming. Yeah, but, like, if my fucking toddler walks past your table and takes a bit of cake off your table I'm not going to be like sorry about that my toddler stole a bit of your cake do you want me to be like sorry my toddler stole some of your cocaine hold on a fucking second why is my toddler touching your cake so what's like I take that point but then you get good but then you get to the point where like

fuck what if I put me vape on the table or my pint on the table or like my firearm you know people have fucking guns in some countries I think drug shaming

should exist and I think it's helpful because I don't want people I don't want man there's so many nerds I don't want to smoke weed

I want to become something like the only reason it's the only reason drugs are cool is because people won't do it. That's the only reason it's cool. That's why sunglasses are not cool, because everyone wears sunglasses now. Because people like, cool people wear sunglasses, right? Non-cool people saw cool people wearing sunglasses, so I'm going to wear sunglasses now. Now sunglasses, in general, are actually not cool. Man, I think, yeah, that was an absolute stretch.

That's why smoking's still cool. No, that was a stretch because sunglasses are just to keep the sun out your eyes. Sometimes. They're always going to get you. That would be like if you were like, oh, people are just wearing umbrellas now. You're like, no, no, they put the umbrella up when it rains. No, no, no, no. I've never seen somebody with an umbrella up when they didn't need an umbrella. I've seen hundreds of people. I've never seen, right, it's never, nobody's ever walked around where they'd be like, la, la, la, la, it's a sunny day seen right it's never nobody's ever walked around where they'd be like

la la la la it's a sunny day like it's a fucking parasol or something right people wear sunglasses on days that are not sunny and in situations

where sunglasses aren't needed because they think sunglasses make them feel cool that's definitely the fucking case right so that being said

the only reason drugs are still cool is because losers that listen to this podcast are going to complain about us encouraging drugs are not going to be encouraged by drugs because they're fucking losers.

And that's because the losers don't do drugs. That's why drugs are still cool. I just find it insane that like, especially reading about the, especially in America, right, it's like the freedom, the whole thing is about freedom, right? It's the freedom to do anything you want as long as you're not hurting anybody. Like in that Wait But Why article, which we'll get to in a minute, actually, it says it's like you've got the freedom to swing your arms,

but that freedom stops at my nose. Yeah. Right? So how the fuck did drugs get taken off that freedom list? Because how the fuck is me having a little bit of the fucking herb? Devil's lettuce. Having a little bit of the fucking herb and I know that's back on the fucking market now a freedom but it took a while and how the fuck did that freedom get taken away today I do I do I fucking ever met an actual hippie the sick they fucking suck this awesome I need what I suck to

talk to they suck to talk to the dullest They fucking suck to talk to man They suck to talk to They're the dullest people to talk to Man imagine, right You know what, probably I'm not condoning the fucking Taking away drugs or anything right But at the time of the 60s there was a bunch of fucking vegans Not having showers right

I fully agree with what they were fighting for The nan was fucking absolute bullshit That being said, hippies are still gross And this was clearly a way to punish being said, hippies are still gross. And this was clearly a way to punish. I'm just saying, there are certain people I wouldn't want to do drugs. They've just got the regulation of it completely wrong because it was the 60s.

It was the regulation. Now we're in a world where we're like, right, we've figured this shit out. We've been through a prohibition. We've regulated alcohol. We're putting more and more stricter regulations on smoking now that we know the fucking effects of it. Just do some fucking research. Put some regulations on, chuck some taxes on, and then fucking,

you know, you don't even have to have a fucking big store in the fucking city centre, you just need to have somewhere, like, suburban, near my house, where I can just pop in. Do a bump. I just didn't see, I didn't see how, what the fuck I'd do in my spare time affect anybody else to the point that to the point that I'd get fucking

locked up for it you know it's a well no as much as I agree with the concept of that right let's be honest cocaine

it's almost like sorry cocaine wouldn't be good fucking legal for cocaine wouldn't be good it's too fucking addictive the same you know

a lot of the drugs we're talking about it weeds the exception to the fucking rule because it doesn't actually ruin lives as much as just because we've done drugs

that haven't ruined our lives does not mean other people are going to ruin theirs that's why is everyone else shit that's why so you can't everyone stop being shit

so we can just have a society no no no but we can't that's why because like as much as as much as we are coming from the bias argument

of like, hey, we've done these drugs and our lives are fine. That's not true for everyone. So that's why the other ones have to be, you know. I would never argue for the, oh, I mean,

the legislation of cocaine. You have to decriminalise it to get out of the criminal states. But people are getting it anyway, man. Like, people are getting it anyway man like it's people are getting it it's not difficult it's just it's just fucking

shifty but then you've got to so you change the way it's punished to the i don't don't punish it like fuck man you know this is how i

say it right but it was weirdly desensitized to it right taking drugs can get you arrested even though it's only affecting you that's like fucking

arresting you for masturbating you're doing something that gives your own body a sensation and then they go no stop that absolutely not that's an argument for weed and marijuana only people on cocaine

get violent and more aggressive they get more confident, they get more fucking fighty people on heroin will do anything to get heroin include rob people, mug people break into fucking houses same with speed, same with meth I'm picking up what you're putting down I'm going to pick up what you're putting down

and just blow that argument out of the water with alcohol look what the fuck that does to people how's that the one that slipped in there no no no I fully agree that it slipped in there but what you're suggesting

is because alcohol which has gone through which is still fucking ruining lives you can't just let all of the other ones in and make seven new problems as well

when this one's barely done you need to work out why people resort to these things and then solve those fucking economic problems why is this

what we're talking about well it's drug legislation aye I don't know it's a nice topic I know you take it to wrap it up as well but it's two non-experts talking about something

no it's two consumers talking about the industry experts in the field no I would never like if when they start pushing for fucking I want marijuana

fucking legalised in Scotland and I'll fucking fight for that I'll get involved in all of those fucking bills but if you were to push

for the legislation of cocaine is when I would be like I can't get on board with this one decriminalising and like decriminalising them

I would agree with in the sense that you reach punishments on people and instead of punishing people for being drug addicts to help them stopping you know drug addicts so try and fix them as opposed to just fucking punish them that's why i decriminalize it but i absolutely i wouldn't be like you could buy heroin in a store now or cocaine i would allow them to be used medically like you know fucking if people want to do tests on acid and DMT and all that shit

medically and then potentially I would decriminalise it for those reasons but I would not ever under any circumstance sell coke, heroin or DMT in a fucking shop fucking Walmart I don't trust people man I don't fucking I've got friends who I love dearly

who I fucking hate when I'm on drugs and those are my favourite people in the world most are my favourite people in the world most of my favourite people in the world suck when they're on fucking drugs yeah and I just

put a couple of them on mint a couple of them on fucking clasps but it's not worth it for the rest of the world man it's not worth it

it's never going to be worth it don't do drugs kids because you're all shite at the moment you're all shite so plug plug plug let's plug your HBO special drugs kids because you're all shite so plug plug

plug let's plug your HBO special which comes out tomorrow that's pretty fucking

exciting isn't it get excited I'm excited so that comes out the 2nd of November

at 10pm in America and Canada even though that's a fucking wide range of time zones but because the time zone moves over I think it's 10pm in America and Canada even though that's a fucking wide range of time zones I don't know but because the time zone

moves over I think it's 10pm so I think it's going to be on I'm saying here we're in Europe it's going to be on in Europe

about 2 in the morning about 2 in the morning but you can't watch it alright because you're shite so yeah you were going to wake up on Sunday morning

you've lost three followers but no no I'm not I told you I'll see how long I can go because I went a good while after Netflix not checking my phone did you? I spent most of the day and it was then just in the evening that I fucking retired to my castle of narcissism and praise

this time I might try and leave it a bit longer spread the fucking word even if you're not in America or Canada fucking talk about it raise uh this time i might try and leave it a bit longer spread the words spread the words uh even if you're not in the even if you're not in america or canada fucking talk about it because if people uh because it's only going out in h1 american canada means i can still have companies in other countries pick it up if they want to fucking stream it so the more you talk about it the more likely it is to come to a platform near you where you can watch it. So that's why I would suggest plugging it lots and not just because, you know, you like it. So in the midst of this, we are in Belgium for tonight.

Tonight. Here's what it's like. Instead of talking plugging shows, let's just gig shame people who are not sold out. Budapest, fuck you. How dare you are not sold out Budapest fuck you how dare you not be sold out Paris fuck you also our first time

in Budapest as well yeah look Jamie looking forward to it though thank you can't wait and also Paris looking forward to coming back but fuck you for not being sold out Paris

fuck you Madrid also looking forward to coming to Madrid for the first time but also fuck you for not being sold out Berlin fuck you for not being sold out Leipzig fuck you for not being sold out.

Berlin, fuck you for not being sold out. Leipzig, fuck you for not being sold out. Moscow, I'm not going to say fuck you for not being sold out because that is a 3,000 seater room. So, you know what? If it takes you a bit longer, so be it. Take your sweet time.

Well, not your sweet time. Well, no. No, no, no. Buy them on the day. Buy them on the day. Pay on the door. No. Right. no no no buy them on the day buy them on the day pay on the door no right you go

your dad has an album out on Spotify and it's just 13 different tracks of him crying and I know the words to everyone your dad had a panic attack when his waters broke

some people do forward stroke some people do doggy paddle. Your dad swims like a duck, arms tucked under his armpits and only uses his feet. Your dad rewinds stuff on Netflix after he's watched them. Your dad auditioned to be a Tickle Me Elmo. Nice. How'd he get on?

Well, I didn't get on. Two of regs. Your dad actually had a snake in his boots and no one believed him and just thought he was being silly. You're the flossers with the silly string. Your dad got carried away in an abortion protest and started chucking stones at pregnant women.

One of them had a miscarriage and he said she deserved it for what she was about to do to her baby. And then he invoiced her. Your dad killed a bee and now his head is mounted above the fireplace and he only answers to Queen Killer. Your dad done not touching can't get mad all the way through a lap dance. Your dad's Google search history it made an NSA agent kill himself your dad put a disc in his lip like an

African tribesman and he used a floppy disk because it's his culture your dad legally got his middle name changed to Moana. Nice. Your dad put his finger through his zip to make a little willy and he stood like that while he waited for you to finish school. Your dad tells people that he came up with the retort, in a while, crocodile. His whole story for years and years and years, people would always say see you later

alligator he'd be like but if it was him no one would believe him well I'm not that way I'm not an

alligator stupid thing to say that was an allegation of anything and then one day I said

in a wild crocodile you should have seen the looks on their faces stop that actually stop can't

alligator after that when your dad was in the police he didn't see the point in the siren he could just wind the window down

and do it himself same thing he did when he had an ice cream truck I love kids he's been getting flat on the way under his hip

and it's badly drawn Simpsons characters on the site your dad converted to Islam after the local bakery ran out

of bagels a bit drastic if you ask me fucking straw duck broke the camel's back I'm going ran out of bagels. I didn't. Aye, a bit drastic if you ask me. Fucking strawed up, brought the camels back. I'm going, I'm going to go to bed, I couldn't be bothered. And your dad spits in his chest so that his pecs glisten in the sun. Nice idea, yeah.

I'll do that. I didn't enjoy how supportive you were of your father. Aye, I was like, nice, da. Nah, nah, because at what point do you facilitate them? I don't have support if you were of your father I just started like nice dad like part of it behind the ears no no because at what point are you at what point

do you facilitate them you know I don't know you know what like you said when people get older they just want to express themselves

but some of the things I said weren't okay the fact that you let them do that your dad threw fucking stones at pregnant women and I'll have a word

with him about that right I'm going to bring that up to'll have a word with him about that right I'm going to bring that up to him have a word I oh do you want to do that again no

I'm going to put that on the wrist no you're doing fuck all with your dad you can't even cuddle with him what was he doing again

what was the thing he converted to Islam because they run out of bagels surely you can't he's not an extremist yet he's not an extremist Yet He's not an extremist He converted to Islam

Because they ran out of bagels That's the definition Of an extremist He did you know what He just thought You know what I'm just going to Blend in with a few nice Muslims

And live in the community Again at the mosque No He didn't do it For good reasons He did it because They ran out of bagels He was like

Enough of these bagels I need to find enough pieces I'm going to find a few you're wrong we'll let that one slide you're letting the fact that your dad has an album out on Spotify

which is him crying for 13 tracks aye but it's like an art piece it's a literal cry for help the album is called cry for help what do you call

that fucking actor that lets people fucking come and put staples in him and that oh fucking anyway he watched like 24 hours of Ali's movies back to back. Not Jake Gyllenhaal, but like of that ilk.

Aye, yeah. Not even of that ilk. Fucking Shea Guevara, what's he called? Joaquin Phoenix and all. Oh, Shea something. Shea LaBeouf. Shea LaBeouf, that's him. It's like that kind of artistic expression.

That's just what we're not as capable of you know what it's not for everybody I think there are like 300 or 400 listeners or you

but okay what about when you audition to be a Ticket Me Album why are we fine with that easy ask you

CD Undertones who are Ticket Me Albums for kids why is your dad trying to be one he wants to get Ticket Me Kids

what does that tell you? Well, it's just like... You're like, oh, don't kink shame him. I'm not kink shaming him. I'm people shaming him. He's not kink shaming him

because he's not doing it for sex. He's not doing it for sex. He's doing it for work. You know what I mean? What? Audition? Why are you trying to keep a working man down?

Look, it's an audition, right? Like, it comes up, who the fuck's auditioning for this thing? He! It's not... He saw the audition. He was like, there's some good on his work. Kids come up and tickle us fuck's auditioning for this thing he saw the audition he was like that's some

good honest work kids come up and ticklish I'm ticklish that's his entire CV that's my dad's CV

he's handed in the I'm ticklish CV into fucking HMV Woolies Game Station just a

load of cases on a guy in a business I'm feeling good about Blockbuster guys Game Station just a lot of places that I got into business I'm feeling good about Blockbuster guys twice or once I can't wait to get a job at this Atlantic bank

Mapland he put his TV in at all of them places every one of them shut down because of Death of the High Street didn't he

and then honestly right he's fucking got tears at all over this TV from recording his Spotify album because he was deaf at the high street and then and then well he honestly right he's fucking got tears at all over the CV from recording his Spotify album but it's an email

how is that possible no he printed it out no no he handed it in he's crying right he's on the track fucking 30

right then this fucking ping up on his phone it's the job centre what's this tickle my elbow looks at his fucking CV looks at his CV

covering tears and he's like I think this is for me still releases the album ah because that was in his time of you know all the best artists

died in the fucking time of tragedy did they Van Gogh was his year what was his tragedy I don't know he drew a sunflower

he was like oh that last there's a kind of fucking cinema yeah I drew a sunflower yeah well let's that last there's no kind of fucking cinema yeah draw a sunflower yeah well let's make him a millionaire after he's dead

post Thomas you know after he cut one of his ears off he lost his sense of depth which was the attitude when he came to sound

couldn't tell how far away things were was that right no that's your you're dumb I was just like why not

why would that 3D sound not work with like a stereo you tell me if he cut off his ear right and I whispered in his ear ah yeah

you've got I've been thick here right but I was also hold on hold on I was only giving you some of me processing

right because the other part of me processing my brain was working on this image that was that, that he put his ear

in the envelope, right, and he posted it of his lass, right, and then all he could hear was this, ooh,

post, oh, this one's handwritten. And then all he could hear was, all he could hear was, like he's missed a potato head.

You could hear the film ripping through the fucking... And then... And then, oh, is this a fake ear? Oh, that's an actual ear. Fucking hell, whose is that? And he's like, oh, fuck, I forgot to tell that was me. What?

Can she not tell me heart rate? Can she not tell from my ear? How many body parts have I got to sell out before she... Sell out. Sell out. I think she got to sell out before I sell out? So I think we've got to cut that, eh, bae? Yeah, bae? Yeah, bae? Yeah, bae? No, not even that good. Oh, God.

What a tragedy of an ending. Right. Always do your best, Alan, tragically.